set the ocean on fire

Sad Bro Just Wants His Meat, Shy Girls, Sperms

Girl stuffOh that Jezebel, with its commenters yawling about cisgendered heteronormativity and whatnot. But it also has Lindy West! Here, for your Sunday morning, is Ms. West throwing a dude’s box of garbage into the ocean, lighting the ocean on fire, and tesseracting to another dimension, because every woman who was once a girl read A Wrinkle in Time times 50 back when she was but a young Meg.

Dude wrote a list of the “32 Things Every Man Should Do,” most of which are variations on his obsessions with boldness and determination (it’s in the URL so you know he’s srs). And it’s…amazing:

Physically build something—Nothing says girly man like an inability to build even the most simplest of objects. If you can’t build a bookshelf or a nightstand it’s high-time you get to building.

Then he talks about how his grandpa made him a bookshelf and he honors it above all other bookshelves. Fine, Franz. Your bookshelf really pumps you up. But I just have to ask, what’s more “girly man”—not being able to build a nightstand, or using the word “nightstand”? Real men call it a “that table thing.”

Build a business – Working for someone else is a soul-killer. Taking orders is for order-takers.

Setting aside the remarkable phrase, “taking orders is for order-takers,” let’s break this down a little. Doesn’t leading encourage following? So if working for oneself is the only manly option, because men are supposed to be leaders, then aren’t you deliberately undermining other males? What does this dude think of his employees? Are all of his male employees insufferable girly-men who wouldn’t know a nightstand if it davenported them right in the credenza? So does that mean that he only hires female employees in the name of male empowerment? Because that’s actually pretty progressive. Nice work, bro. Full circle.

This has been your test post to see if Advomatic has indeed airlifted Wonkette to safety from the Hostgator POW camp. THREE AND A HALF DAYS ALAN!

In conclusion, someday we will steal Lindy West from the Jez, and she will roam the wilds of yr Wonket like a happy painted pony, for freedom.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. Mittens Howell, III

    My cisgendered heteronormativitys have been giving me hell all week, I can barely sit down.

  2. Close_Read

    Test successful. We are removing our oxygen masks now.

    Yes, please lure Lindy with rainbows and sugar cubes.

    1. zerosumgame0005

      I got a picture of this guy as being a lot like Dennis on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" aged to 50-60 well on the downslide and really resentful of it…

    2. deanbooth

      Years ago I had a roommate who kept a picture of his mother on his nightstand. When he complained about "sexual problems," my advice was to get rid of the picture.

  3. Goonemeritus

    Every man has a list comprised of only one thing, “One day Lord please let me do twins”. Building fucking bookshelves are just what we do while we are waiting.

          1. glasspusher

            This list maker should know that the way to a woman's bed is through her stomach.

            Also: "Good looks don't last. Cooking lasts."

          2. Jukesgrrl

            Yes, but don't be fussy about it. Pull out an exquisite bottle and pour it into stemless glasses like it's nothing. Don't tell the guests how great it is in advance and if they don't notice just give them beer the next time they come back.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      I do all the cooking in the Diddy crib. Including all the baking of cookies and those cakes we like.
      In addition, I own my own business, built my entire bedroom set (platform bed, two night stands and six drawer dresser). and most of the furniture in my kittchen. All of these skills l learned not because some doofus wrote something on the internet. They were the result of wanting to eat good food, being unable to find a job I really liked doing, and being too poor to afford the furniture at Ethan Allen.

    2. tessiee

      Cookie baking is certainly on MY list, and I have made more than one ginger snap.
      Also, the kitchen isn't the only room in the house where a person can be cooking, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

    3. tessiee

      "Is cookie baking on the list of 32 things?"

      Yes, yes it is.
      However, we have learned the hard way to put it on the list in the correct order, BEFORE another item, which is "eat raw cookie dough".

  4. Grief_Lessons

    Are we praising Lindy West or mocking her? Sometimes the snark in these parts makes it hard to tell.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Friends, Wonketteers, cunty-men, lend me your ears;
      I come to berry Lindy, not to praise her.
      The evil that womyn do lives after them;
      The good is oft inferred by their scones;
      So let it be with Lindy.

  5. smokefilledroommate

    Apparently dude's gonna have to supplicate to a "sissy man" to fix his fucking server.. Unless he's a meat-eating, cold shower taking, naysaying, woman-hating Man That Knows All About 403 Errors.

  6. Mittens Howell, III

    Just wrote a list of 32 things every man should do with one hand in his pants. Because if you can't do it with one hand in your pants, it ain't gettin done.

  7. mavenmaven

    Manly Dude says: "Eat meat – Meat is what produces testosterone"
    -wow, we get an on-target godwin for once, so here goes:

    You know who else was a vegetarian?

    1. tessiee

      About half the population of Portland, every last one of whom can't shut up about what all they refuse to eat?

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Oh, it damn well fits Portland and the farm to table fetishists. The freakish bonds people get to their food here is just stunning.

    1. BadKitty904

      "I don't care if a Slater is Christian, Muslin, or Jew, they should have the right to vote like any other Merkin!"

    2. Mahousu

      It's actually on topic, since they apparently had his name down as "Christina Slater." He should have built a nightstand for them.

    3. glasspusher

      OT or not, a chance to use that line from Heathers was worth it. A thousand upfists. Fuck them gently with a chainsaw! (with votes!)

    4. malsperanza

      Wait, is Bold and Determined in Florida? That can't be right. Real men do not live in Florida. Real men live in places that are cold in winter, where the principal industries are closed-up steel mills, not shady real-estate offices.

      Am v. disillusioned.

      1. YouFail4eva

        Wait, really? Damn, I need to reevaluate my life. But I don't want to be a girly man! I don't know how to put on makeup!

    1. smokefilledroommate

      It may be different when the author is possibly suffering from 'ESS'.

      Anyway, in girly news, I "can't wait" to watch the Eagles this evening. Aside from the Obvious Shit, maybe they might want to invest in special teams and get a goddamn punt returner that can make it past the 20 for the first time in a decade. Fuckers.

      (awkwardly saunters outta the locker room..)

  8. Mondo_Cane

    +1 on "meatloaf wrapped fleshlight in a bonnet"

    speaking as a man who built his own house and is married to a woman who is a better and more accomplished than I, the maker of this list for losers is clueless –

    1. BadKitty904

      Speaking as a man who once built a birdhouse and is dating a man who's at least 50 times smarter than me, I *heartily* agree!

      Well said, sir! :0)

          1. Jukesgrrl

            That's good!Back in the day I used to live for the New York Times to refer to Johnny as Mr. Rotten.But they were always proper and said, “Mr. Lydon, who calls himself Johnny Rotten …”Spoiled my fun.

  9. BadKitty904

    So. Some random, bigoted dickhead makes some random dickheaded remarks. I should pay attention…why?

    I did note, however, that one of his self-generated rules (or tenets or whatever they are) is "Don't talk too much." Too late, bro…

    1. glasspusher

      Always good to figure out the other point of view, as long as you don't go insane in the process…

      Ditto on the "don't talk too much". My philosophy is "keep talking and maybe eventually something worthwhile will come out"

    2. Chet Kincaid_

      "So. Some random, bigoted dickhead makes some random dickheaded remarks. I should pay attention…why?"

      Those are the kinds of questions that will cause you to lose your Faith in Wonkette.

      1. BadKitty904

        Oh, no, no, no, no. Wonkette skims off the *cream* of "random, bigoted dickheads making random dickheaded remarks," so that we don't have to!

    1. tessiee

      Some people have a talent for building their own crap and having it end up looking halfway decent. I am not one of them.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        I barely have a talent for kinda sorta getting the shit from IKEA to vaguely resemble the items on the showroom floor. I feel so bad about it that I am reluctant to take on household repairs, which does tend to be a source of friction.

  10. christianmuslin

    I thought man was made to make love not nightstands. The ordertakers take the orders; the worker bees make the nightstands; real men make love! Money, also, too.

  11. ManchuCandidate

    "Taking orders is for order-takers."

    Ah, classic line from the MBA skule of leadershit. This ends with the Neidermeyer principle aka "Getting Fragged by your own troops happens to egotistical arrogant idiots who believe 'Taking orders is for order-takers'"

    1. HateMachine

      My MBA program must have an updated curriculum, because the "taking orders is for order-takers" lesson is more like "backs are scratched mutually." It's like the Golden Rule, but with a side of ruthless profit maximization.

      It probably helps that anybody who's ever been successful in business is teaching our classes, because "I don't take orders, I'm a leader not a follower" is not going to get you ahead in a single corporation on earth unless your daddy is on the board.

      1. ManchuCandidate

        Fair enough. Not all MBAs should be lumped in with that group.

        Unfortunately, I've seen more of the former than the later (although that defect might have already been a pre-existing condition.)

        1. HateMachine

          I've no doubt you've seen more of the former. And as good as this program is, it's got some shit that sort of grinds on my commie heathen sensibilities on occasion.

          Also, this is probably the first time I can remember being in a college classroom with over twenty twenty-somethings and knowing that almost none of them have tried weed.

        1. glasspusher

          Guys in the 21st century aren't tough- they're sensitive people! Show their emotions around women and shit like that!

          1. Designer_Rants

            Dogs playing poker all day. Elvis was a drug abusing masturbator – although he makes up some points for having 50 lbs of red meat packed in his colon when he died.

      1. tessiee

        Or a couple of those plastic milk carton dealies.
        Helpful hint: Turn them on one side, so that the open side is facing outward.

  12. Tommy1733

    That book is a girls' book? Dangit, why didn't somebody tell me before I read it like seven times? Who knows what ill effects that may have had on my masculinity. 'Scuse me I must check on my quiche.

    1. JustPixelz

      I read it too! And I made quiche today. I think it's because Mrs. Pixelz and I have been watching sappy Xmas movies. (In the truly sappy movies, the couple-to-be have their first kiss exactly five minutes before the end.) I gotta go play some MW3 on XBOX.

    2. el_donaldo

      You're telling me?! I read the whole series! And I thought I was very comfortably cisgendered.

      The things I learn on Wonkette.

    3. CrunchyKnee

      Indeed, I read it several times as well. I wonder if that was what pushed me from such "manly" pursuits as baseball and football to skateboarding and punk rock? I coulda' been a CEO?!?

      1. HateMachine

        Exam "week" is my current version of the two-week "oh god small words no loud noises please" disease.

    1. HateMachine

      No way! Swedish commie hands once touched that furniture, and real manly hyper-t-count meat men won't waste time reading those assembly instructions.

    2. DemmeFatale

      My first thought, glass.
      Mr. Demme's father built kitchen cabinets and a table. Mr. Demme considers reading the directions from Ikea a chore.
      But who has the time or the tools to build anything now-a-days?

      1. glasspusher

        This shit is definitely not hereditary. My dad wasn't a builder, but he became a bit of one over time. Just hated spending money, so he learned a bit.Me, I can fix or build just about anything, much to the consternation of ms. glasspusher, who'd rather buy stuff.My son- loves Legos when there are instructions to build a finished thing, but give him a bucket of pieces and no instructions and he's stumped.Maybe it skips a generation?

  13. ExecutorElassus

    Holy shit, you *so* need to poach Lindy West. Her tear-down of late-stage Gallagher shows for The Stranger fucking *killed* it. I have had a raging internet boner for her ever since.

  14. Dashboard Buddha

    "Taking orders is for order-takers. "

    So, let's say our manly person becomes so good at building nightstands that he opens his own nightstand shop. When the customers come in to order a night stand, will the manly person tell the customer to fuck off in a manly way?

    1. HateMachine

      He'll have to "just say no" until the customer knows to come back and properly beg for their nightstands.

  15. glasspusher

    Personal history: I had a girlfriend 20 years ago, wanted me to make her a bookshelf, so I did. "There, it's finished", I said. She's like, "No, it isn't stained or varnished, then it will be done". I say "OK, you can handle that". She says "fine". Two years later, I'm moving her out of her apartment, and move out the same, unvarnished bookcase she'd been using all along.

    "You didn't stain that!"

  16. Troubledog

    So butthurt, Lindy. So I didn't call you the next morning. Truthfully, I'd forgotten your name before we even had sex. For you it was rainbows and magic. For me it was a Thursday.

    Is this sort of shit supposed to get my attention? You thought my piece was clever when you were trying to get in my pants. How about just lay in bed and blog about it on your lonely girl iPad in your lonely girl argyle sweater surrounded by your cats. Stop calling and texting me kthxbye

    -Nightstand Guy

  17. chascates

    Men who are concerned about manliness are narcissistic insecure boys. And probably wingnuts to boot.

        1. HateMachine

          Nah, more like CS Lewis references in general ("When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up")

          1. Negropolis

            Which is a reference directly from the Bible. There's a lot of good shit in that book, let me tell you.

    1. Grief_Lessons

      So here is a true story about what a fool I am (and perhaps also a narcissistic insecure boy):

      A few years ago I became concerned that I was insufficiently masculine. One project I undertook to remedy this situation was to go out and buy a straight razor to shave with, because what's more manly than that?

      The first time I touched that razor to my face, there was blood.

      Second time, too.

      So I sat down in my underwear on the side of my bathtub and started shaving a patch on the front of my thigh, reasoning that I could learn the right angle and pressure for the razor, and that the scars wouldn't be as visible.

      It then occurred to me that my virilization efforts weren't going as well as I had hoped, seeing as I was sitting in the bathtub shaving my legs.

      Gilette Mach 3 ever since.

  18. CrunchyKnee

    I like to build and make things. But, I also like to destroy things and take long walks on the beach or in the mountains, because sensitivity. I haz a confuse. Or, maybe just a hangover.

    1. gullywompr

      I like building things, but I never considered it a gender thing. I like to challenge myself to do challenging things, it's rewarding to have useful objects afterwards, and it's an enjoyable way to spend time. But I really don't get the macho obsession some dudes have with power tools – they scare the shit out of me. I like my hands, I'm pretty good with them nudge wink, and I want to keep them, so I avoid power tools wherever possible.

      1. CrunchyKnee

        There are some things that everyone should be able to, whether one is a dumbass "manly" man, or a shouty hyper-sensitive lib'tard. Things like cook a decent meal, sew on a button, iron a shirt, change your car oil, brew beer, code, wax poetic and snark.

    2. redarmyzombie

      I myself like going out for nice romantic walks in the woods, just before coming home and murdering little lines of 1's and 0's in my computer games…

  19. Blendergoathead

    Woah. I'll throw in a couple hundred Ameros to any signing bonus if you manage to pull that off.

  20. Hera Sent Me

    I think it means: Manly men build stuff by making girly men do all the work while they (the manly men) take the credit / keep the profit.

    So, capitalism is hyper-masculine, and socialism is gay. But working for a capitalist is hyper-masculine, even though he (the capitalist) takes the credit / Keeps the profit.

    Hmm. I think only Grover Norquist can figure this one out.

    1. glasspusher

      Good point. Also, how much stuff gets built by overcompensating, self-hating girly boys? AFAIK, half the shit the Third Reich made was because of that…to say nothing of our own military-industrial complex (and I mean "complex" in every sense of the word).

  21. Callyson

    Stop watching porn – Heavy porn watchers are always Low-T having, light avoiding, pussy repellent boys. It's embarrassing to be a masturbater and it is shameful. No matter what the degenerate liars on tv say, it is nothing to be proud of. If someone walked in on you masturbating you would feel righteous shame. When you give up the porn you have time for more important things, like building a business, having more energy, attracting women, and being a damn man.

    Yeah, something tells me this 32-step program to become a man is not going to catch on with the dudes…

    1. glasspusher

      What about masturbating without porn? Are you more of a creator if you're getting off to stuff you've created in your own mind? Uh, just a question a…friend…wanted me to ask.

    2. tessiee

      "If someone walked in on you masturbating you would feel righteous shame."

      Unless it was an extremely attractive pizza delivery and/or UPS guy.

    3. Wile E. Quixote

      If someone walked in on you masturbating you would feel righteous shame.

      No I wouldn't. I'd be righteously pissed off and say "Hey, I'm rubbing one out here. How about some fucking privacy!" That's how a real man deals with this.

  22. Beowoof

    Making shit can be overrated. I installed a stone floor in my kitchen, and then spent two weeks with a sledge hammer taking it out.

      1. Beowoof

        Someone who lives here decided a change was needed. She can be very insistent. New underlayment with vinyl tiles.

          1. Beowoof

            Travertine was a lot of work to maintain, vinyl you can run a Swiffer over, with little grand kids making a huge mess regularly the vinyl wasn't the first choice, but it is easy to clean and is a consideration with the 6, 4 and 3 year olds who make a mess on it, on a regular basis.

  23. Designer_Rants

    That pussy faggy veggy kid who wrote that blog has now blocked it from view. I'm beginning to doubt his ability to build a bookshelf. I'm also near-certain that he is a virgin.

  24. SheriffRoscoe

    I can't build shit. Instead, I do pullups. Building nightstands is for guys who can't do pullups.

    1. glasspusher

      I had a friend in grad school who could do one armed pullups. Guess he could have done floral arrangement and not gotten any shit.

      1. glasspusher

        Victor. Also played a mean viola. Never seen anyone else ever do it. You need a strength to weight ratio from hell. I can climb a rope just using my hands, but one arm pullups and chinups? No way. Wonder if my macho man nephew, training for the Green Berets, can do it.

  25. poorgradstudent

    We should start a fund for rescuing good writers from uptight social justice warrior blogs. The horror stories from places like Feministe and, God help us, Shakesville make me want to petition the UN.

  26. poorgradstudent

    As for the article being mocked, I would love to see the author in a Thunderdrome-like situation with my ex-Army knows-martial-arts vegan friend.

  27. viennawoods13

    Does installing new light fixtures count? The Mr is presently doing that in the kitchen. He seems pretty manly- he does keep saying "motherfucker".

  28. tessiee

    "tesseracting to another dimension"

    As the patent holder and sole owner of Tesscompumegacorp, Inc. (world rights in perpetuity), there will be no tesseracting, with or without the use of the Tesstron 3000 [tm], unless munnies.
    So stop tesseracting up, or I'll be forced to go all medieval on your bue-tocks!

  29. tessiee

    "what’s more “girly man”—not being able to build a nightstand, or using the word “nightstand”? Real men call it a “that table thing.” "

    Many Real Men [tm] are quite fine with the word "nightstand", provided the word immediately before it is "one".

  30. An_Outhouse

    isn't commenting on blog posts symptomatic of taking orders? you bunch of pussy followers. Wait, that didn't come out right.

  31. badseeds

    Christ, numero uno on my list of 32 things to do today was get up – and fat lot of good that did me.

  32. BoroPrimorac

    Give me a list of all the douchebags who follow his rules, so I can be clear on who to avoid hanging out with.

  33. Negropolis

    Question, what kind of man is a man who builds something so poorly that he only hopes that it stands under its own weight for a full minute so that he can feel vindicated in his own mind that he built something, but after it falls, he yells ungodly vulgarities for hours on end, and then sulks in the corner for being a failure, but flies into a blinding rage when someone else tries to "fix" your blatantly shoddy work?

    I'm asking for a friend…

    1. RelicOven

      The kind of guy who keeps wood glue handy when his efforts fall apart like they always do.

      Or so my friend says…

      1. Negropolis

        I've learned in my relatively short lifetime that you can break something so badly and thoroughly that even wood glue can't fix it…

        Well, my friend learned it.

  34. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    OMG. If Lindy ever wrote for Wonkette I would have sex with her posts and have her posts' babies and raise them myself and never ask for child support. I still miss her movie reviews in the Stranger.

    Also, that exact copy of a Wrinke in Time is in my bookcase right now.

  35. BadKitty904

    Axe is kinda a running joke with me and my buds, 'cause nobody in their right mind would wear it. Just fratbros…

  36. RelicOven

    Speaking as someone who just recently helped launched a business, it blows, and I don't suggest it. Really I'd rather just work with people and not paperwork.

  37. not that Dewey

    My PBS affiliate is running a Leonard Cohen concert right now. He is often self-effacing, and filled with doubt. Is that Bold and Determined, or not?

  38. Tommmcatt_Again

    Gah! Something is terribly wrong with our Wonkette when viewed on an iPad or iPhone! Someone alert teh editrix!

  39. Chet Kincaid_

    I still have the tattered remnants of an original edition of one of the volumes of Popular Mechanics' "The Boy Mechanic" series, from the '10s or '20s, that my father must have owned. Fucking 8 year old boys were building fucking steam engines and motor-cars and fucking kites with cameras in them. There hasn't been a real man in this country since the dough-boys took care of the Hun, came marching home and beat their sons until they completed a steam engine from Popular Mechanics' "The Boy Mechanic"!!

  40. Respitetini

    Was hoping someone did the "You know who else…" thing so I could use "Martin Luther".

    Also, as a dude, this dude is a complete embarrassment.

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