SET THE OCEAN ON FIRE  12:19 pm December 2, 2012

Sad Bro Just Wants His Meat, Shy Girls, Sperms

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Girl stuffOh that Jezebel, with its commenters yawling about cisgendered heteronormativity and whatnot. But it also has Lindy West! Here, for your Sunday morning, is Ms. West throwing a dude’s box of garbage into the ocean, lighting the ocean on fire, and tesseracting to another dimension, because every woman who was once a girl read A Wrinkle in Time times 50 back when she was but a young Meg.

Dude wrote a list of the “32 Things Every Man Should Do,” most of which are variations on his obsessions with boldness and determination (it’s in the URL so you know he’s srs). And it’s…amazing:

Physically build something—Nothing says girly man like an inability to build even the most simplest of objects. If you can’t build a bookshelf or a nightstand it’s high-time you get to building.

Then he talks about how his grandpa made him a bookshelf and he honors it above all other bookshelves. Fine, Franz. Your bookshelf really pumps you up. But I just have to ask, what’s more “girly man”—not being able to build a nightstand, or using the word “nightstand”? Real men call it a “that table thing.”

Build a business – Working for someone else is a soul-killer. Taking orders is for order-takers.

Setting aside the remarkable phrase, “taking orders is for order-takers,” let’s break this down a little. Doesn’t leading encourage following? So if working for oneself is the only manly option, because men are supposed to be leaders, then aren’t you deliberately undermining other males? What does this dude think of his employees? Are all of his male employees insufferable girly-men who wouldn’t know a nightstand if it davenported them right in the credenza? So does that mean that he only hires female employees in the name of male empowerment? Because that’s actually pretty progressive. Nice work, bro. Full circle.

This has been your test post to see if Advomatic has indeed airlifted Wonkette to safety from the Hostgator POW camp. THREE AND A HALF DAYS ALAN!

In conclusion, someday we will steal Lindy West from the Jez, and she will roam the wilds of yr Wonket like a happy painted pony, for freedom.

[Jezebel]

 
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{ 258 comments }

Boojum December 2, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Welcome to our new future Lindy West home!

Mittens Howell, III December 2, 2012 at 12:25 pm

My cisgendered heteronormativitys have been giving me hell all week, I can barely sit down.

Geminisunmars December 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Oh, go build a bookcase.

Mittens Howell, III December 2, 2012 at 12:35 pm

As soon as my tesseracts heal, I can't see a fucking thing.

Tommy1733 December 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

That sounds really painful.

WABishop December 2, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I can upfist you, if that'll help.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:20 pm

REAL, real men (a.k.a. NFL quarterbacks, i.e. multimillionaire LEADERS of ungirly men) say, "My prostate is giving me fits."

Close_Read December 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Test successful. We are removing our oxygen masks now.

Yes, please lure Lindy with rainbows and sugar cubes.

jello_mold December 2, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Don't forget the ponies!

Fred_Wertham_Jr December 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Steal Caity Weaver from Gawker while you're at it.

Close_Read December 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Yes. Multiple upfists to that.

deanbooth December 2, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Seconded.

OzoneTom December 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I've done six of those things. But now that I've seen that list I will repent.

RadioRaheem December 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I had one nightstand, back in college, does that count?

not that Dewey December 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

You didn't build that!

Mittens Howell, III December 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Standing at night is for nightstands.

Gratuitous World December 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

So when this guys fucks, is he looking at a mirror or at his nightstand? Has he built anything to clean up the blood?
mmmph.

zerosumgame0005 December 2, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I got a picture of this guy as being a lot like Dennis on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" aged to 50-60 well on the downslide and really resentful of it…

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 5:44 pm

The best night of his life was in 1988 when he snorted an eightball of coke then went to see the Diceman from a front row seat.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Ewwww.

deanbooth December 2, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Years ago I had a roommate who kept a picture of his mother on his nightstand. When he complained about "sexual problems," my advice was to get rid of the picture.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Don't tell me … you roomed at Harvard with Ross Douthat. Amirite??

Goonemeritus December 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Every man has a list comprised of only one thing, “One day Lord please let me do twins”. Building fucking bookshelves are just what we do while we are waiting.

AddHomonym December 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Is cookie baking on the list of 32 things? I bake a mean ginger snap!

BadKitty904 December 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

That impresses me LOTS more than a nightstand would.

SnarkOff December 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I see a gingerbread nightstand in your future…

BadKitty904 December 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Dang, how cool would *that* be?!

JustPixelz December 2, 2012 at 12:59 pm

esp. if it connects to your home network.

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm

This list maker should know that the way to a woman's bed is through her stomach.

Also: "Good looks don't last. Cooking lasts."

pdiddycornchips December 2, 2012 at 2:41 pm

I do all the cooking in the Diddy crib. Including all the baking of cookies and those cakes we like.
In addition, I own my own business, built my entire bedroom set (platform bed, two night stands and six drawer dresser). and most of the furniture in my kittchen. All of these skills l learned not because some doofus wrote something on the internet. They were the result of wanting to eat good food, being unable to find a job I really liked doing, and being too poor to afford the furniture at Ethan Allen.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Excellent. But do you have cedar cheese?

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Cookie baking is certainly on MY list, and I have made more than one ginger snap.
Also, the kitchen isn't the only room in the house where a person can be cooking, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:48 pm

"Is cookie baking on the list of 32 things?"

Yes, yes it is.
However, we have learned the hard way to put it on the list in the correct order, BEFORE another item, which is "eat raw cookie dough".

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:31 pm

I'm the manliest grrl in the land if those two things count. I also make soup. Shouldn't that be another important life skill?

Grief_Lessons December 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Are we praising Lindy West or mocking her? Sometimes the snark in these parts makes it hard to tell.

Mahousu December 2, 2012 at 1:12 pm

"It's complicated."

GhostBuggy December 2, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Indeed. I don't know if I'm supposed to ask her to make me a sammich or not.

kittensdontlie December 2, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Friends, Wonketteers, cunty-men, lend me your ears;
I come to berry Lindy, not to praise her.
The evil that womyn do lives after them;
The good is oft inferred by their scones;
So let it be with Lindy.

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:50 pm

So…
The take-away from that would be…
berry scones?

kittensdontlie December 2, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Yes! Lindy posting well, is like having a berry scone on your nightstand in the morning.

Negropolis December 2, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Are we praising Lindy West or mocking her?

Yes.

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Apparently dude's gonna have to supplicate to a "sissy man" to fix his fucking server.. Unless he's a meat-eating, cold shower taking, naysaying, woman-hating Man That Knows All About 403 Errors.

BadKitty904 December 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm

"Any man who frets endlessly about his masculinity usually has good reason to."

not that Dewey December 2, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Hostgator could kick his ass.

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Hostgator eats up the goddamn competition.

not that Dewey December 2, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Hostgator is a paragon of virile self-sufficiency.

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 7:05 pm

A true Alpha Male, even his actual name starts with 'A'– little known fact.

Mittens Howell, III December 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Just wrote a list of 32 things every man should do with one hand in his pants. Because if you can't do it with one hand in your pants, it ain't gettin done.

HogeyeGrex December 3, 2012 at 5:25 am

If you're wearing pants.

MiniMencken December 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Lindy West is La Reina de mi Cielo from now on! Sorry, Becca.

mavenmaven December 2, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Manly Dude says: "Eat meat – Meat is what produces testosterone"
-wow, we get an on-target godwin for once, so here goes:

You know who else was a vegetarian?

Tommy1733 December 2, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Moses?

Geminisunmars December 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Kortney?

BadKitty904 December 2, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Diplodocus?

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Saurischia LIBEL!

Mittens Howell, III December 2, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Joe the plummer?

kittensdontlie December 2, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Richard Simmons?

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 1:21 pm

that cannibal onion?

YouFail4eva December 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm

The mean dude who lives on the street corner and yells that I'm a sinner?

not that Dewey December 2, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Morrissey?

viennawoods13 December 2, 2012 at 3:34 pm

George Bernard Shaw?

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:51 pm

About half the population of Portland, every last one of whom can't shut up about what all they refuse to eat?

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm

"Here is the chicken you'll be enjoying tonight. His name was Colin."

Doesn't really fit in this context, but funny nonetheless..

BerkeleyBear December 2, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Oh, it damn well fits Portland and the farm to table fetishists. The freakish bonds people get to their food here is just stunning.

snowpointsecret December 2, 2012 at 5:26 pm

PETA?

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:35 pm

No one said Hitler yet?

BoroPrimorac December 2, 2012 at 10:03 pm

My Rasta pot dealer.

SexySmurf December 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm

OT Christian Slater's Vote Rejected In Florida.

Florida may have a "No Christian Slater" rule, but they seem to have an open door policy for assholes, though.

BadKitty904 December 2, 2012 at 12:57 pm

"I don't care if a Slater is Christian, Muslin, or Jew, they should have the right to vote like any other Merkin!"

Mahousu December 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm

It's actually on topic, since they apparently had his name down as "Christina Slater." He should have built a nightstand for them.

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I think the rejection letter cited something about "gleaming the cube".

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm

OT or not, a chance to use that line from Heathers was worth it. A thousand upfists. Fuck them gently with a chainsaw! (with votes!)

malsperanza December 2, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Wait, is Bold and Determined in Florida? That can't be right. Real men do not live in Florida. Real men live in places that are cold in winter, where the principal industries are closed-up steel mills, not shady real-estate offices.

Am v. disillusioned.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Pittsburgh!

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:52 pm

This proves that Christians are the most discriminated against EVAR.

ttommyunger December 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Trying to decide which is more pathetic: writing a tome on "Being a Man" or reading one?

Mittens Howell, III December 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Writing one then reading it at an open mic.

ttommyunger December 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Or sitting through such a reading…..Gah!

ManchuCandidate December 2, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Can't it be both?

ttommyunger December 2, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Why not?

not that Dewey December 2, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Nobody wants to clean vomit in the Iron John.

ttommyunger December 2, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Or stainless steel.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

BadKitty904 December 2, 2012 at 12:58 pm

EXACTLY! *Thank* you!

Real men don't fret about whether or not they're real men.

YouFail4eva December 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Wait, really? Damn, I need to reevaluate my life. But I don't want to be a girly man! I don't know how to put on makeup!

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 6:41 pm

It may be different when the author is possibly suffering from 'ESS'.

Anyway, in girly news, I "can't wait" to watch the Eagles this evening. Aside from the Obvious Shit, maybe they might want to invest in special teams and get a goddamn punt returner that can make it past the 20 for the first time in a decade. Fuckers.

(awkwardly saunters outta the locker room..)

Swampgas_Man December 2, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Watching the Eagles makes Real Men cry Manly Tears.

smokefilledroommate December 3, 2012 at 12:01 am

Now I wanna give Foles and Brown a hug and go make them a sammich.. Funny how that works.

ttommyunger December 2, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Taint as bad as it looks.

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Huh huh huh! Dude, you said "taint".

ttommyunger December 3, 2012 at 7:49 am

Hee, hee….and that's exactly what I meant.

Mondo_Cane December 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

+1 on "meatloaf wrapped fleshlight in a bonnet"

speaking as a man who built his own house and is married to a woman who is a better and more accomplished than I, the maker of this list for losers is clueless –

BadKitty904 December 2, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Speaking as a man who once built a birdhouse and is dating a man who's at least 50 times smarter than me, I *heartily* agree!

Well said, sir! :0)

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:55 pm

As long as it isn't Meatloaf wearing a bonnet (or not wearing a bonnet), I'm OK with this.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:41 pm

My late father referred to him as The Meatloaf. I grew to prefer that.

AutomaticPilot December 2, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I still kind of like "Mr. Loaf."

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 11:08 pm

I'm exceedingly fond of the music reviewer who called him "Mr. Loaf".

Jukesgrrl December 3, 2012 at 1:52 am

That's good!Back in the day I used to live for the New York Times to refer to Johnny as Mr. Rotten.But they were always proper and said, “Mr. Lydon, who calls himself Johnny Rotten …”Spoiled my fun.

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 2:04 am

Oh thank God! I thought you were going to say, "speaking as a man who made his own meatloaf wrapped fleshlight in a bonnet…"

el_donaldo December 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

So this guy's version of manhood basically peaks at high school shop class? I know the type.

BoroPrimorac December 2, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Guys have daddy issues too.

BadKitty904 December 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

So. Some random, bigoted dickhead makes some random dickheaded remarks. I should pay attention…why?

I did note, however, that one of his self-generated rules (or tenets or whatever they are) is "Don't talk too much." Too late, bro…

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Always good to figure out the other point of view, as long as you don't go insane in the process…

Ditto on the "don't talk too much". My philosophy is "keep talking and maybe eventually something worthwhile will come out"

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 2:06 am

"So. Some random, bigoted dickhead makes some random dickheaded remarks. I should pay attention…why?"

Those are the kinds of questions that will cause you to lose your Faith in Wonkette.

BadKitty904 December 3, 2012 at 8:59 am

Oh, no, no, no, no. Wonkette skims off the *cream* of "random, bigoted dickheads making random dickheaded remarks," so that we don't have to!

Joshua Norton December 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm

The main problem with building your own crap is that it ends up looking like crap that somebody built.

WABishop December 2, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Nothing that a thick coat of paint won't fix.

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Some people have a talent for building their own crap and having it end up looking halfway decent. I am not one of them.

BerkeleyBear December 2, 2012 at 7:25 pm

I barely have a talent for kinda sorta getting the shit from IKEA to vaguely resemble the items on the showroom floor. I feel so bad about it that I am reluctant to take on household repairs, which does tend to be a source of friction.

christianmuslin December 2, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I thought man was made to make love not nightstands. The ordertakers take the orders; the worker bees make the nightstands; real men make love! Money, also, too.

ManchuCandidate December 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

"Taking orders is for order-takers."

Ah, classic line from the MBA skule of leadershit. This ends with the Neidermeyer principle aka "Getting Fragged by your own troops happens to egotistical arrogant idiots who believe 'Taking orders is for order-takers'"

Designer_Rants December 2, 2012 at 1:30 pm

You're supposed to Go Galt before you get fragged.

HateMachine December 2, 2012 at 1:39 pm

My MBA program must have an updated curriculum, because the "taking orders is for order-takers" lesson is more like "backs are scratched mutually." It's like the Golden Rule, but with a side of ruthless profit maximization.

It probably helps that anybody who's ever been successful in business is teaching our classes, because "I don't take orders, I'm a leader not a follower" is not going to get you ahead in a single corporation on earth unless your daddy is on the board.

ManchuCandidate December 3, 2012 at 10:09 am

Fair enough. Not all MBAs should be lumped in with that group.

Unfortunately, I've seen more of the former than the later (although that defect might have already been a pre-existing condition.)

HateMachine December 3, 2012 at 11:21 am

I've no doubt you've seen more of the former. And as good as this program is, it's got some shit that sort of grinds on my commie heathen sensibilities on occasion.

Also, this is probably the first time I can remember being in a college classroom with over twenty twenty-somethings and knowing that almost none of them have tried weed.

HempDogbane December 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Found object nightstand is the new handbuilt nightstand.

Designer_Rants December 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Here's how ya do it: Get 2 cinderblocks and 2 2x4s.

HempDogbane December 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm

and go down to the swap meet and get a tapestry. Chicks dig that.

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Guys in the 21st century aren't tough- they're sensitive people! Show their emotions around women and shit like that!

MilwaukeeKent December 2, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Are you thinking the Velvet Elvis or the Dogs Playing Poker? What's a real man to do.

Designer_Rants December 2, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Dogs playing poker all day. Elvis was a drug abusing masturbator – although he makes up some points for having 50 lbs of red meat packed in his colon when he died.

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Or a couple of those plastic milk carton dealies.
Helpful hint: Turn them on one side, so that the open side is facing outward.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:44 pm

For books. Literature, not shit that tells you how to be a real man.

Tommy1733 December 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

That book is a girls' book? Dangit, why didn't somebody tell me before I read it like seven times? Who knows what ill effects that may have had on my masculinity. 'Scuse me I must check on my quiche.

JustPixelz December 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I read it too! And I made quiche today. I think it's because Mrs. Pixelz and I have been watching sappy Xmas movies. (In the truly sappy movies, the couple-to-be have their first kiss exactly five minutes before the end.) I gotta go play some MW3 on XBOX.

el_donaldo December 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm

You're telling me?! I read the whole series! And I thought I was very comfortably cisgendered.

The things I learn on Wonkette.

Designer_Rants December 2, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Fortunately, you're Wonkaderonormative.

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:59 pm

"Wonkaderonormative"

Wonketteers wearing sombreros? I'm in.

CrunchyKnee December 2, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Indeed, I read it several times as well. I wonder if that was what pushed me from such "manly" pursuits as baseball and football to skateboarding and punk rock? I coulda' been a CEO?!?

HogeyeGrex December 3, 2012 at 1:38 am

Dontcha know? All books are girls' books. Real Men don't read.

Beetagger December 2, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Please turn the thickness meter on your prose-a-matic down from 11. It's sunday, fer chrissakes.

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Hung over much? For me, it's a sinus headache I've had for the past two fucking weeks.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Why do those things last so fucking long? Mine has been going on for two week, too.

HateMachine December 2, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Exam "week" is my current version of the two-week "oh god small words no loud noises please" disease.

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Been there, done that! Good luck!

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:01 pm

"32 people a man should do"

/fixed

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Does assembling something from Ikea count?

HateMachine December 2, 2012 at 1:41 pm

No way! Swedish commie hands once touched that furniture, and real manly hyper-t-count meat men won't waste time reading those assembly instructions.

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Dammit. I knew it was too good to be true.

WABishop December 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Only if you totally ignore the instructions and cold nail the parts together.

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 5:17 pm

(immediately after discovering the delicate Allen wrench and screaming "What in the fuck is this shit?!" and angrily overhand pitching it out the door).

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Wheee. I'm in.

DemmeFatale December 2, 2012 at 2:25 pm

My first thought, glass.
Mr. Demme's father built kitchen cabinets and a table. Mr. Demme considers reading the directions from Ikea a chore.
But who has the time or the tools to build anything now-a-days?

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 2:34 pm

This shit is definitely not hereditary. My dad wasn't a builder, but he became a bit of one over time. Just hated spending money, so he learned a bit.Me, I can fix or build just about anything, much to the consternation of ms. glasspusher, who'd rather buy stuff.My son- loves Legos when there are instructions to build a finished thing, but give him a bucket of pieces and no instructions and he's stumped.Maybe it skips a generation?

M. Bouffant December 2, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Only if the particle board was pressed into being by East German prison labor. They take orders & like it!

ExecutorElassus December 2, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Holy shit, you *so* need to poach Lindy West. Her tear-down of late-stage Gallagher shows for The Stranger fucking *killed* it. I have had a raging internet boner for her ever since.

commiegirl99 December 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm

That Gallagher story was the saddest music in the world.

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Teh Stranger and teh Wonkette are always helping me keep the sadz away.

Dashboard Buddha December 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm

"Taking orders is for order-takers. "

So, let's say our manly person becomes so good at building nightstands that he opens his own nightstand shop. When the customers come in to order a night stand, will the manly person tell the customer to fuck off in a manly way?

HateMachine December 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm

He'll have to "just say no" until the customer knows to come back and properly beg for their nightstands.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Is that like an MBA kōan?

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Personal history: I had a girlfriend 20 years ago, wanted me to make her a bookshelf, so I did. "There, it's finished", I said. She's like, "No, it isn't stained or varnished, then it will be done". I say "OK, you can handle that". She says "fine". Two years later, I'm moving her out of her apartment, and move out the same, unvarnished bookcase she'd been using all along.

"You didn't stain that!"

YouFail4eva December 2, 2012 at 2:04 pm

man, you really worked for that one. Nice work!

Troubledog December 2, 2012 at 1:04 pm

So butthurt, Lindy. So I didn't call you the next morning. Truthfully, I'd forgotten your name before we even had sex. For you it was rainbows and magic. For me it was a Thursday.

Is this sort of shit supposed to get my attention? You thought my piece was clever when you were trying to get in my pants. How about just lay in bed and blog about it on your lonely girl iPad in your lonely girl argyle sweater surrounded by your cats. Stop calling and texting me kthxbye

-Nightstand Guy

Dashboard Buddha December 2, 2012 at 1:05 pm

is that centaur farting a rainbow?

not that Dewey December 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm

That only happens on DokZoom posts.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:52 pm

I thought only Justin Bieber farted rainbows.

not that Dewey December 2, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Ritchie Blackmore, too.

Jukesgrrl December 3, 2012 at 1:55 am

He used to be quite the ladies' man.Musta been the rainbows.

deanbooth December 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

and a featherduster?

Dashboard Buddha December 2, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Rule 34.

Negropolis December 2, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Farting if we're lucky, Jack.

chascates December 2, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Men who are concerned about manliness are narcissistic insecure boys. And probably wingnuts to boot.

ManchuCandidate December 2, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Probably drive a Humvee, too.

DemmeFatale December 2, 2012 at 2:28 pm

And if they have boats…(well, probably best not to go there).

HateMachine December 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Just like the overgrown children who are concerned about maturity.

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Was that…
*glances around skeptically*
Directed at anybody in particular?

HateMachine December 2, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Nah, more like CS Lewis references in general ("When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up")

Negropolis December 2, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Which is a reference directly from the Bible. There's a lot of good shit in that book, let me tell you.

weejee December 2, 2012 at 2:18 pm

probably wingnuts to boot

I prefer torquing wingnutz over kicking them.

Butch_Wagstaff December 2, 2012 at 6:34 pm

And "Men's Rights Activists". Also, too.

Grief_Lessons December 2, 2012 at 7:34 pm

So here is a true story about what a fool I am (and perhaps also a narcissistic insecure boy):

A few years ago I became concerned that I was insufficiently masculine. One project I undertook to remedy this situation was to go out and buy a straight razor to shave with, because what's more manly than that?

The first time I touched that razor to my face, there was blood.

Second time, too.

So I sat down in my underwear on the side of my bathtub and started shaving a patch on the front of my thigh, reasoning that I could learn the right angle and pressure for the razor, and that the scars wouldn't be as visible.

It then occurred to me that my virilization efforts weren't going as well as I had hoped, seeing as I was sitting in the bathtub shaving my legs.

Gilette Mach 3 ever since.

memzilla December 2, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I, for one, welcome our new IT overlords.

CrunchyKnee December 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I like to build and make things. But, I also like to destroy things and take long walks on the beach or in the mountains, because sensitivity. I haz a confuse. Or, maybe just a hangover.

gullywompr December 2, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I like building things, but I never considered it a gender thing. I like to challenge myself to do challenging things, it's rewarding to have useful objects afterwards, and it's an enjoyable way to spend time. But I really don't get the macho obsession some dudes have with power tools – they scare the shit out of me. I like my hands, I'm pretty good with them nudge wink, and I want to keep them, so I avoid power tools wherever possible.

CrunchyKnee December 2, 2012 at 5:17 pm

There are some things that everyone should be able to, whether one is a dumbass "manly" man, or a shouty hyper-sensitive lib'tard. Things like cook a decent meal, sew on a button, iron a shirt, change your car oil, brew beer, code, wax poetic and snark.

gullywompr December 2, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I don't know how to sew on a button.

NellCote71 December 2, 2012 at 8:28 pm

You really can't change the oil yourself in a Japanese car. Really.

redarmyzombie December 2, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I myself like going out for nice romantic walks in the woods, just before coming home and murdering little lines of 1's and 0's in my computer games…

Blendergoathead December 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Woah. I'll throw in a couple hundred Ameros to any signing bonus if you manage to pull that off.

Hera Sent Me December 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I think it means: Manly men build stuff by making girly men do all the work while they (the manly men) take the credit / keep the profit.

So, capitalism is hyper-masculine, and socialism is gay. But working for a capitalist is hyper-masculine, even though he (the capitalist) takes the credit / Keeps the profit.

Hmm. I think only Grover Norquist can figure this one out.

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Good point. Also, how much stuff gets built by overcompensating, self-hating girly boys? AFAIK, half the shit the Third Reich made was because of that…to say nothing of our own military-industrial complex (and I mean "complex" in every sense of the word).

Callyson December 2, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Stop watching porn – Heavy porn watchers are always Low-T having, light avoiding, pussy repellent boys. It's embarrassing to be a masturbater and it is shameful. No matter what the degenerate liars on tv say, it is nothing to be proud of. If someone walked in on you masturbating you would feel righteous shame. When you give up the porn you have time for more important things, like building a business, having more energy, attracting women, and being a damn man.

Yeah, something tells me this 32-step program to become a man is not going to catch on with the dudes…

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm

What about masturbating without porn? Are you more of a creator if you're getting off to stuff you've created in your own mind? Uh, just a question a…friend…wanted me to ask.

deanbooth December 2, 2012 at 3:41 pm

A handjob creator?

WABishop December 2, 2012 at 2:24 pm

What about porn you build yourself?

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 5:03 pm

"If someone walked in on you masturbating you would feel righteous shame."

Unless it was an extremely attractive pizza delivery and/or UPS guy.

gullywompr December 2, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Naw, It was embarrassing just the same.

Wile E. Quixote December 2, 2012 at 10:47 pm

If someone walked in on you masturbating you would feel righteous shame.

No I wouldn't. I'd be righteously pissed off and say "Hey, I'm rubbing one out here. How about some fucking privacy!" That's how a real man deals with this.

HogeyeGrex December 3, 2012 at 1:51 am

Go away! 'Batin'!

Negropolis December 2, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Manhood: He's doing it wrong.

Beowoof December 2, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Making shit can be overrated. I installed a stone floor in my kitchen, and then spent two weeks with a sledge hammer taking it out.

Geminisunmars December 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Sounds manly to me.

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 2:02 pm

woof indeed. What did you end up doing?

Beowoof December 2, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Someone who lives here decided a change was needed. She can be very insistent. New underlayment with vinyl tiles.

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 2:40 pm

…and you remain her humble servant. How sweet.Vinyl tiles? Would not have been my choice.

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Even I would have told her to go fuck herself on that one.

Beowoof December 2, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Travertine was a lot of work to maintain, vinyl you can run a Swiffer over, with little grand kids making a huge mess regularly the vinyl wasn't the first choice, but it is easy to clean and is a consideration with the 6, 4 and 3 year olds who make a mess on it, on a regular basis.

Designer_Rants December 2, 2012 at 1:27 pm

That pussy faggy veggy kid who wrote that blog has now blocked it from view. I'm beginning to doubt his ability to build a bookshelf. I'm also near-certain that he is a virgin.

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Something tells me this guy uses Flex speed stick.

BadKitty904 December 2, 2012 at 8:10 pm

And Axe Body Wash.

SheriffRoscoe December 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I can't build shit. Instead, I do pullups. Building nightstands is for guys who can't do pullups.

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I had a friend in grad school who could do one armed pullups. Guess he could have done floral arrangement and not gotten any shit.

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Victor. Also played a mean viola. Never seen anyone else ever do it. You need a strength to weight ratio from hell. I can climb a rope just using my hands, but one arm pullups and chinups? No way. Wonder if my macho man nephew, training for the Green Berets, can do it.

deanbooth December 2, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Does wearing pullups count?

HogeyeGrex December 3, 2012 at 1:57 am

Only if you're a Louisiana Senator.

poorgradstudent December 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm

We should start a fund for rescuing good writers from uptight social justice warrior blogs. The horror stories from places like Feministe and, God help us, Shakesville make me want to petition the UN.

Aridzona December 2, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Every time I look at my nightstand, the lamp atop it yells, "You didn't build that!"

glasspusher December 2, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Punch his lights out!

poorgradstudent December 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm

As for the article being mocked, I would love to see the author in a Thunderdrome-like situation with my ex-Army knows-martial-arts vegan friend.

An_Outhouse December 2, 2012 at 2:44 pm

"Taking orders is for order-takers." like those special forces pussies?

BZ1 December 2, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Last fool that used the words, "girly man" was the Arnold.

Barrelhse December 2, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Arnold the Granny-fucker?

LibrarianX December 2, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Hot glue gun, bitch!

One_Man_Band December 2, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Um, the reason I read Wonkette is because it ISN'T Jezebel, thanks.

viennawoods13 December 2, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Does installing new light fixtures count? The Mr is presently doing that in the kitchen. He seems pretty manly- he does keep saying "motherfucker".

schvitzatura December 2, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Jezebel = ellenjamessociety.com?

Tangled sin tax December 2, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I have a hard time believing this was not a tryout for an Onion gig. Just a bit too over-the-top for them, though.

Doktor Zoom December 2, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I am going to make a point of using her term "kookoonanners" at least weekly.

Barrelhse December 2, 2012 at 8:08 pm

It sounds kinda girly-man, though.

jello_mold December 2, 2012 at 4:29 pm

There's a few people round heah who could use a good tesseracting.

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:41 pm

"tesseracting to another dimension"

*Ahem*
As the patent holder and sole owner of Tesscompumegacorp, Inc. (world rights in perpetuity), there will be no tesseracting, with or without the use of the Tesstron 3000 [tm], unless munnies.
So stop tesseracting up, or I'll be forced to go all medieval on your bue-tocks!

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:43 pm

"what’s more “girly man”—not being able to build a nightstand, or using the word “nightstand”? Real men call it a “that table thing.” "

Many Real Men [tm] are quite fine with the word "nightstand", provided the word immediately before it is "one".

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:45 pm

“taking orders is for order-takers"

You know, he's got me there. /Apu

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:53 pm

MANLY SHIT IS SRS BSN!!!

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 4:54 pm

*sings*
Have you heard about the lonesome loser?

snowpointsecret December 2, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Is that the unicorn North Korea found?

BadKitty904 December 2, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Ha!

An_Outhouse December 2, 2012 at 5:33 pm

isn't commenting on blog posts symptomatic of taking orders? you bunch of pussy followers. Wait, that didn't come out right.

decentcitizen December 2, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Manly men don't write advice on how to be manly.

An_Outhouse December 2, 2012 at 5:58 pm

If Wonkette had real servers, it could look like that jezebel place.

Barrelhse December 2, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Couple of cinder blocks and a board- Presto! I built that!

badseeds December 2, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Christ, numero uno on my list of 32 things to do today was get up – and fat lot of good that did me.

BoroPrimorac December 2, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Give me a list of all the douchebags who follow his rules, so I can be clear on who to avoid hanging out with.

Negropolis December 2, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Question, what kind of man is a man who builds something so poorly that he only hopes that it stands under its own weight for a full minute so that he can feel vindicated in his own mind that he built something, but after it falls, he yells ungodly vulgarities for hours on end, and then sulks in the corner for being a failure, but flies into a blinding rage when someone else tries to "fix" your blatantly shoddy work?

I'm asking for a friend…

RelicOven December 3, 2012 at 12:04 am

The kind of guy who keeps wood glue handy when his efforts fall apart like they always do.

Or so my friend says…

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 12:19 am

I've learned in my relatively short lifetime that you can break something so badly and thoroughly that even wood glue can't fix it…

Well, my friend learned it.

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 2, 2012 at 10:48 pm

OMG. If Lindy ever wrote for Wonkette I would have sex with her posts and have her posts' babies and raise them myself and never ask for child support. I still miss her movie reviews in the Stranger.

Also, that exact copy of a Wrinke in Time is in my bookcase right now.

BadKitty904 December 2, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Axe is kinda a running joke with me and my buds, 'cause nobody in their right mind would wear it. Just fratbros…

smokefilledroommate December 2, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Who knew that marketing Horny 15 Year Old Doused in Variants of Drakkar Noir would equal profit?

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 2:26 am

Never smelt it — can Axe possibly stink worse than its intelligence-insulting advertising?

tessiee December 2, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Somewhere, Suzanne Venker is kvelling over this.

shelwood46 December 2, 2012 at 11:40 pm

It's almost depressing how much more of a man I am than this guy. And I'm a woman.

CaligulaBob December 2, 2012 at 11:40 pm

I built a cabinet for my Black Flag and Motorhead albums. I am a reel man fo reelz.

RelicOven December 3, 2012 at 12:03 am

Speaking as someone who just recently helped launched a business, it blows, and I don't suggest it. Really I'd rather just work with people and not paperwork.

not that Dewey December 3, 2012 at 12:51 am

My PBS affiliate is running a Leonard Cohen concert right now. He is often self-effacing, and filled with doubt. Is that Bold and Determined, or not?

Tommmcatt_Again December 3, 2012 at 1:43 am

Gah! Something is terribly wrong with our Wonkette when viewed on an iPad or iPhone! Someone alert teh editrix!

HogeyeGrex December 3, 2012 at 1:58 am

Real men call it a “that table thing.” "Where the anal lube is."

fixxored

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 2:17 am

I still have the tattered remnants of an original edition of one of the volumes of Popular Mechanics' "The Boy Mechanic" series, from the '10s or '20s, that my father must have owned. Fucking 8 year old boys were building fucking steam engines and motor-cars and fucking kites with cameras in them. There hasn't been a real man in this country since the dough-boys took care of the Hun, came marching home and beat their sons until they completed a steam engine from Popular Mechanics' "The Boy Mechanic"!!
http://www.amazon.com/The-Boy-Mechanic-Mechanics-

not that Dewey December 3, 2012 at 8:16 am

That may be, but did they build any nightstands?

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 2:32 am

There is no "tesseract". The Cosmic Cube was good enough for Stan & Jack and it's good enough for me!!

HogeyeGrex December 3, 2012 at 5:38 am
Thedongsofwar December 3, 2012 at 7:26 am

What if I built a butcher's shop with my bare hands and ate/work/lived in it? Would that guarantee me all the shy girl action a MAN could want?

Respitetini December 3, 2012 at 9:18 am

Was hoping someone did the "You know who else…" thing so I could use "Martin Luther".

Also, as a dude, this dude is a complete embarrassment.

DahBoner December 3, 2012 at 10:18 am

I've heard Girlymen don't impregnate the maid, while not banging their Kennedy wife!

//rimshot

AddHomonym December 2, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Also, wine. Don't forget about the wine.

Jukesgrrl December 2, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Yes, but don't be fussy about it. Pull out an exquisite bottle and pour it into stemless glasses like it's nothing. Don't tell the guests how great it is in advance and if they don't notice just give them beer the next time they come back.

Nostrildamus December 3, 2012 at 12:37 am

Wine's good, but the pros use Flunitrazepam.

not that Dewey December 3, 2012 at 12:53 am

He's tough as dirt. He's mean as blood. Where he steps, a weed dies.

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