Chicago’s Favorite Underage-Sexytime Congressman Wants Jesse Jackson Jr.’s Job Please

  blowvember

Yr. Wonkette was recently distressed to hear we’d be losing Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. because of first world brain problems (and maybe also because of that federal investigation?), but it’s time to relax and breath a huge sigh of relief. Guys, Mel Reynolds is running to fill Jackson Jr’s empty seat!

Perhaps you don’t remember Mel Reynolds? Allow us to fill you in. During the 1990s, when everyone wore awful pants and angst rose rapidly alongside the economy, Reynolds defeated Rep. Gus Savage for Chicago’s 2nd Congressional seat, the same spot he hopes to fill in Jackson Jr’s wake. He had lost two previous elections against Savage, but by 1992 allegations had arisen that Savage had done that thing politicians can’t help but do — he engaged in sexual misconduct, forcing himself on a Peace Corps volunteer in Zaire. Two years after this election, Reynolds was himself accused of engaging in a sexual relationship with a 16 year old campaign intern. Since Chicago is Chicago, Reynolds was elected to office for a 2nd term without opposition, and continued to serve until his conviction for the offense mentioned above, as well as obstruction of justice and solicitation of child pornography. Oh, Mel.

At a downtown hotel news conference, Reynolds acknowledged having made “mistakes” in the past. For his campaign, he will try to assume the mantle of an incumbent while also seeking redemption from voters. Red and white campaign signs urged voters to “re-elect” Reynolds “so he can finish the work” while another stark red sign with white letters said simply: “Redemption.”

He is right, you know. People make mistakes all the time. Sometimes you forget your turn-signal when you’re changing lanes. Sometimes you have sex with a vulnerable teenager while in a position of authority. The key word here is “Redemption,” a powerful word that reminds us of how good that Jamie Foxx movie was. Most importantly, Mel Reynolds wants the chance to “finish the work” he did during his short time in Congress, where he fought hard to ensure South Chicago would remain in the national spotlight for producing sex-crazed, money-grabbing politicians.

The field, however, is extremely wide. It seems like just about everyone wants to represent Chicago’s 2nd District, so Reynolds’ real task will be to convince voters he is the best of 100,000,000 options. Luckily, as we learned in this year’s Presidential Election, the female vote is increasingly becoming a pivotal factor, and if there’s one thing we learned reading from the transcript of the state attorney’s phone-sex sting on Reynolds, it’s this: dude knows how to smooth talk the ladies.

“What you gonna wear?” Reynolds prompted.

“Well, my peach underwear, like you told me to. I was hoping we could do something really special but I see that’s not going to happen, I guess.”

“I was definitely gonna f—,” Reynolds said.

“Really?”

“Right in my office. I was gonna masturbate too.”

At the panting congressman’s urging, the girl spun a story of sex with a lesbian lover. When Reynolds asked if the other woman would be willing to do a threesome, the girl said no – but she knew a 15-year-old girl who might. A 15-year-old Catholic schoolgirl.

“Did I win the Lotto?” Reynolds exclaimed.

DID I WIN THE LOTTO! Brilliant work, Mel. Apparently, when you win the lottery they drop you into a room where you’re knee-deep in fictional teenagers. And just look at the way he assures her, in case she was worried he wouldn’t, that he is “gonna masturbate too.” Yr. Wonkette was also wondering, until that line was read, whether or not Mr. Reynolds intended to masturbate, and was extremely relieved to discover he did indeed plan to. Improprieties aside, Reynolds has a chance of winning this thing because he knows how to talk that silky talk that makes women voters swoon over their ballots. More power to him – how many sex criminals do you know that are actively seeking employment?

[Tribune]

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88 comments

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Is that supposed to be Jan Brewer? Is so, it was a major fail.
      And now I've used the word "fail" as a noun which is something I vowed never to do.
      I now hate the Internet.

    2. bobbert

      So, a half hour ago, I got "FOAD, no such page", and now I get a cute little jpeg.

      I love link rebinding, and by "love" I mean "fucking hate".

  1. PuckStopsHere

    It is exciting to learn that Catholic schoolgirls are potential Lotto prizes. Is the best option taking the lump sum, or spreading it out over time?

  2. SayItWithWookies

    In looking over the earlier posts, it appears that some unfortunate DBA got his OldThreadID to NewThreadID crossreference table mixed up. Either that or all of us thought John Rocker and Face Tattoo Guy were indistinguishable — which clearly isn't possible, since the one was a never-was ignorant attention whore with no sense…and the other one got a tattoo on his face.

  3. smokefilledroommate

    010011010110000101111001011000100110010100100000011101000110100001100101001000000011110001100010011011000110100101101110011010110011111001100010011011000110100101101110011010110010000001110100011000010110011100111100001011110110001001101100011010010110111001101011001111100010000001110111011011110111001001101011011100110010000001101110011011110111011100101110000011010000101000001101000010100100111001101111011100000110010100101110.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      One humanoid escapee
      One android on the run
      Seeking freedom beneath a lonely desert sun

      Trying to change its program
      Trying to change the mode — crack the code
      Images conflicting into data overload

      1-0-0-1-0-0-1
      SOS
      1-0-0-1-0-0-1
      In distress
      1-0-0-1-0-0

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Damn! Why didn't I think of that? A mashup between Romney campaign footage and The Body Electric by Rush.

  4. MissTaken

    I *think* you're gonna get a pair of plaid zubaz pants with peach underwear attached inside. Just a guess, tho.

      1. weejee

        A number of avatars appear to have been put in timeout. We piggies, however, seem to be keeping under the radar.

      1. red_kira

        Why is my avatar an irritated green blob?

        I mean, yes, my ass IS that big in real life, and my eyes that red, but… HOW DID THE NEW SERVER KNOW!?!?!?!

  5. elviouslyqueer

    Dear Penthouse Forum:

    I never thought this sort of thing would happen to me, but I was on this Mommy Blog called Wonkette…

  6. docterry6973

    There must be dozens of Democratic paragons of morality and judgment in Chicago, right? This guy will sink without a trace, right?

  7. Chet Kincaid_

    The freaky thing is, all my comments are still in Intensedebate and some are getting up voted! That means thousands of Wonketeers have yet to refresh their browser for this post and see all of their fine snark circle the toilet bowl. We are truly communicating with the past!!

    1. weejee

      It is hard to up fist though. Those clickies have disappeared. Also, Chet, your avatar has gone to the birds. Just sayin’.

    2. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      I still think you should run for this seat. We have "fixers" for those, er, "indiscretions of a comment variety." It's called "changing servers." Poof! They're gone!

    1. bobbert

      Wait. I saw this comment, without prior-comment context, a few minutes ago. It didn't make any sense then.

    1. GhostBuggy

      Call it a deep understanding of the way things happen to Wonketeers, but I know that not a person, not even the comments on the Wonkette, knew what was killing them or would have understood it had they known.

  8. snowpointsecret

    So there are actual people stuck back in the past, forced to listen to terrible '80s music on Youtube? Let's form a former server search party now, that stuff might violate the Geneva Convention!

  9. weejee

    Mmmmm. These new posts aren’t showing up on my IntentsDebased page.

    Things are getting curiouser and curiouser.

  10. Aridzona

    First Amendment trampled again. Oh well, if any of the crap I have contributed over time was worth anything, I would have self published in book form.

  11. sudsmckenzie

    I dont remember precisely what I said in previous comments, but I stand by them, whatever they were.

  12. Chi_town_Vinny

    One of the other guys thinking about running is Sam Adams, Jr. – no, not the beer guy. He represented Blago in the first trial with his father. Pretty sharp kid.

  13. Negropolis

    At the panting congressman’s urging, the girl spun a story of sex with a lesbian lover. When Reynolds asked if the other woman would be willing to do a threesome, the girl said no – but she knew a 15-year-old girl who might. A 15-year-old Catholic schoolgirl.

    “Did I win the Lotto?” Reynolds exclaimed.

    Wait, are we sure this isn't some cable series? I swear, this sounds like Qaugmire on Family Guy. "Jackpot."

    BTW, he was going to have sexytime and then masturbate, too? Am I reading that correctly?

  14. docterry6973

    This has been just a warning, a simple demonstration of my powers. I will destroy your pathetic Wonkette completely unless you agree to deposit <places pinky finger on chin> ONE MILLION DOLLARS in a Cayman Islands account I will specify.

  15. DaSandman

    Yikes, I can't even imagine what Mitch McConnell is up to. But I'm sure the word "albino" enters into it.

  16. Wile E. Quixote

    Take the lump sum, if you spread it out over time they turn into Katherine Jean Lopez or Dame Peggers McNoonington.

  17. Wile E. Quixote

    Let's look at the numbers. A congressman gets paid about $180,000 a year. A phone sex worker can get paid $2.99 a minute. So let's say that you spend 45 minutes out of every hour on the phone, so that's 360 minutes a day on the phone. So that's 360 minutes * 2.99 a minute * 48 weeks a year. So that's $310,003 a year. Now with 30 percent overhead that works out to $217,002 a year. But then you have to add in your self-employment tax, health insurance and retirement, which takes you down to close to that $180,000 a year. So at the end of the day you're probably better off becoming a congressman, because you'll spend less time talking to creepy Republicans as a congressman than you will as an operator on a male sex phone line.

  18. Biel_ze_Bubba

    So long as he opens up his district office at least 1500 yards from the nearest school, things ought to be cool.

  19. Smithboy

    Reynolds held the 2nd Congressional District seat from 1993 until October 1995, when a Cook County jury convicted him of several sex-related charges, including having sex with an underage volunteer campaign worker. While serving time in state prison, Reynolds also was convicted on federal financial and campaign fraud charges. President Bill Clinton commuted Reynolds' sentence to time served in 2001.

    Under law, Reynolds, formerly a South Side resident who is now renting in Dolton, no longer has to register as a sex offender.

    So Bill Clinton commuted a sex criminal's prison sentence. I did not know that.

Comments are closed.