Yr. Wonkette was recently distressed to hear we’d be losing Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. because of first world brain problems (and maybe also because of that federal investigation?), but it’s time to relax and breath a huge sigh of relief. Guys, Mel Reynolds is running to fill Jackson Jr’s empty seat!
Perhaps you don’t remember Mel Reynolds? Allow us to fill you in. During the 1990s, when everyone wore awful pants and angst rose rapidly alongside the economy, Reynolds defeated Rep. Gus Savage for Chicago’s 2nd Congressional seat, the same spot he hopes to fill in Jackson Jr’s wake. He had lost two previous elections against Savage, but by 1992 allegations had arisen that Savage had done that thing politicians can’t help but do — he engaged in sexual misconduct, forcing himself on a Peace Corps volunteer in Zaire. Two years after this election, Reynolds was himself accused of engaging in a sexual relationship with a 16 year old campaign intern. Since Chicago is Chicago, Reynolds was elected to office for a 2nd term without opposition, and continued to serve until his conviction for the offense mentioned above, as well as obstruction of justice and solicitation of child pornography. Oh, Mel.
At a downtown hotel news conference, Reynolds acknowledged having made “mistakes” in the past. For his campaign, he will try to assume the mantle of an incumbent while also seeking redemption from voters. Red and white campaign signs urged voters to “re-elect” Reynolds “so he can finish the work” while another stark red sign with white letters said simply: “Redemption.”
He is right, you know. People make mistakes all the time. Sometimes you forget your turn-signal when you’re changing lanes. Sometimes you have sex with a vulnerable teenager while in a position of authority. The key word here is “Redemption,” a powerful word that reminds us of how good that Jamie Foxx movie was. Most importantly, Mel Reynolds wants the chance to “finish the work” he did during his short time in Congress, where he fought hard to ensure South Chicago would remain in the national spotlight for producing sex-crazed, money-grabbing politicians.
The field, however, is extremely wide. It seems like just about everyone wants to represent Chicago’s 2nd District, so Reynolds’ real task will be to convince voters he is the best of 100,000,000 options. Luckily, as we learned in this year’s Presidential Election, the female vote is increasingly becoming a pivotal factor, and if there’s one thing we learned reading from the transcript of the state attorney’s phone-sex sting on Reynolds, it’s this: dude knows how to smooth talk the ladies.
“What you gonna wear?” Reynolds prompted.
“Well, my peach underwear, like you told me to. I was hoping we could do something really special but I see that’s not going to happen, I guess.”Dr. Gundry reveals the top 3 common foods that you would have never guessed were the cause of your fatigue.
“I was definitely gonna f—,” Reynolds said.
“Right in my office. I was gonna masturbate too.”
At the panting congressman’s urging, the girl spun a story of sex with a lesbian lover. When Reynolds asked if the other woman would be willing to do a threesome, the girl said no – but she knew a 15-year-old girl who might. A 15-year-old Catholic schoolgirl.
“Did I win the Lotto?” Reynolds exclaimed.
DID I WIN THE LOTTO! Brilliant work, Mel. Apparently, when you win the lottery they drop you into a room where you’re knee-deep in fictional teenagers. And just look at the way he assures her, in case she was worried he wouldn’t, that he is “gonna masturbate too.” Yr. Wonkette was also wondering, until that line was read, whether or not Mr. Reynolds intended to masturbate, and was extremely relieved to discover he did indeed plan to. Improprieties aside, Reynolds has a chance of winning this thing because he knows how to talk that silky talk that makes women voters swoon over their ballots. More power to him – how many sex criminals do you know that are actively seeking employment?