also 'the jews'

Wingnuts Can’t Even Agree On Best Way To Hate Fags Anymore

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They want you for a new recruit! As we at Wonkette are obviously a pro-family, conservative Christian news establishment, we long for the days when Americans of all stripes could come together to show our mutual disdain for the Homosexican Agenda, but now that ‘Murka has gone and voted for the black guy again, our coalition is broken and fractured, to the point that we cannot even agree on the best way to hate the gayness.

Marry, fuck, kill? Marry, fuck, kill?!

Wait, that is a different game. Here, the argument is “Should we just kill them, or should we try to perform exorcisms on them first?” The wonderful and dashing David Pakman decided to devote a segment of his radio programme to allowing wingnuts to duke it out on this very question the other day. In one corner, we have former Navy Chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt, who lyingly lies that he was kicked out of the Navy for praying to Jesus in public, and who believes that animals become gay when human gays put Lady GaGa demons in their butts, so he’s obviously arguing for the Bobby Jindal approach to this whole problem. On the other side is Jonathan Phelps, of the Westboro Phelpses, who has slightly less shame and supports a much more Ugandan solution to gayness.

Watch these two clowns agree on absolutely nothing, while actually pretty much agreeing on everything:

Right. In case you missed that, the Phelps one’s argument is that, as per usual, God hates everything so I guess the death penalty would be fine, whereas the disgraced chaplain contends that if the Westboro Baptist guy wasn’t such being such a fuckin’ Jew and worshipping the Jewish god of the Old Testament, he would understand that God loves everybody enough to take the time to at least try to pull the gay demons out of their butts before throwing them in the lake of fire forever. Meanwhile, sweet David Pakman, who actually is Jewish, just grins through the whole thing, even when the chaplain explains to David that, because David loves the gays, he is actually a Christian, and the only Jew in the room is the assbeast from Westboro Baptist.

This all makes so very much sense, and we hope it answers all of our readers’ lingering questions on the subject. [The Advocate/The David Pakman Show]

About the author

Evan Hurst spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. As a Noted Homosexual, Evan is obviously condemned and has nothing to lose at this point, so he spends his days as the Director of Social Media for Truth Wins Out, and lends a hand at the Wonkette in order to protect its gentle readers from the Homosexual Menace. Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.

View all articles by Evan Hurst


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • ttommyunger

    Let's just delve a little deeper into this problem. Here, relax; just relax and it won't hurt, I promise…..

  • solrobins6

    So their goal is to what, entertain us?

    Is that the new right wing agenda?

  • bobloblawlawblg

    marry fuck kill:
    john mccain
    lindsey graham
    joe lieberman

    • JustPixelz

      with votes dammit.

      Personal note about Joe Lieberman. He is still my Senator for a few more weeks. Here in Connecticut it's hard to even cross the street what with all the Joe-mentum on pavement. Yuck.

  • finette_

    Has everyone heard of the Phelps son who escaped to Canada, where he is an atheist and a gay rights activist?

    Every family has one, I guess.

    • JustPixelz

      But since the elder Phelps spawned 13 children, the odds were at least one would not be a Mini-Me.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "… if you look at the data from the Bible…"

    There's nothing like biblical "data" to settle a debate between two of America's most insane religious goofballs.

    Watching this will make your brain hurt … and it's not just from the violent face-palming.

  • swordfis

    Pakman is Jewish? What about Super Mario- Sephardic?

  • DinDCW4

    OK… I just listened to all 14:15 minutes/seconds of this. I wanna know whom I can fuck to retrieve those lost minutes/seconds. I want to have the dirtiest gay sex – ever. I want it to be anonymous; I want it in public; I want it to hurt.