double whammy

Characters Escape From Carl Hiaasen Novel, Get Arrested With Pot Guarded By Alligators

It's a dwarf vomiting rainbows. Need we say more?And now, dear Wonketteers, a headline that is quite simply tailor-made for Your Wonkette:

TWO ALLIGATORS, A POLE DANCER AND POT AT OLYMPIA AREA SHOOTING SCENE

Jesus Christ, this is what the internet was made for. Do we even have to write a story to go along with that? Actually, we do!

In a “normally quiet Scott Lake neighborhood” near Olympia, WA, sheriff’s deputies responded to a report of shots fired on Monday, according to Thurston County Sheriff’s spokesman Lt. Greg Elwin. And then…hell, there’s really no way to improve on Jennifer Sullivan’s reporting at the Seattle Times’ blog, so here you go:

Investigators were greeted by a 41-year-old man who lives at the home. The man said he had opened fire in self-defense after someone tried to run him over outside his home, Elwin said.

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But investigators believe the man had actually shot at a car that had pulled up outside the home in an ambush-style attack, Elwin said. A 30-year-old man later showed up at Providence St. Peter Hospital, in Olympia, to be treated for a gunshot wound to the arm and a bullet grazing injury to his back.

While inside the home, investigators found a floor to ceiling brass pole and talked to an exotic dancer, Elwin said.

Umm… question? How did they know she (?) was an exotic dancer? Did she give that as her occupation, or did they simply assume that, from the stripper pole and maybe the tassels over her nipples? We feel a bit let down by this part of the reportage, but the next bit makes up for it.

When detectives tried to walk into another room they were met by two five-foot long alligators hissing at them from the floor.

“They were there for protection for the marijuana grow area. They were just crawling around on the floor,” Elwin said. The detectives immediately shut the door.

The 41-year-old suspect, who was arrested for investigation of attempted murder, offered to help the detectives corral his gators. He managed to get them into a nearby bathroom where they were left in the water-filled bathtub. Because it wasn’t clear how long the alligators would be there, they were left with some raw chicken parts to gnaw on, Elwin said.

Thurston County Animal Control officials have been contacted, Elwin said.

“We don’t know what the legalities are of keeping alligators, it could be just fine,” he added.

Ladies and Gentlemen, nominations are now open for the Pulitzers. Apart from leaving us hungry to know more about the backstory of these people, this may very well be the greatest thing ever published on the interwebs in the past 48 hours.

Actually, maybe it’s just as well we don’t know. The fan-fiction will be far better than any of the dull, mundane reality of these people’s lives. We hope it turns out that one of them has either a weed-whacker or a choking pitbull attached to the end of their right arm.

On further reflection, we do realize that a couple of elements keep this from being the Ultimate Wonkette Story of Ever: There’s no tranny porn, heavily-armed militia lowlifes, or pink dildos. So close. So very close…

[SeattleTimes, via alert reader Nostrildamus]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Hola wonkerados.

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