paranoia strikes derp

Surprise Shock Twist Surprise: Washed-Up Racist Base-Ball Man John Rocker Still Racist

What's with all the ponies, they said. We're tired of the damn ponies, they said. Nothing could be worse than the ponies, they said.John Rocker, the pretty good pitcher turned pretty huge asshole turned pretty bad right-wing columnist, has some thoughts that he and his thesaurus would like to share with you, about America’s place in the world, and about his very deep concerns that “the evolutionary processes within our society regarding specific intangible ideologies that have transformed our culture” may not, in point of fact, bode well for the future! In short, he thinks we’re headed for the crapper because we watch a lot of garbage on TV and idolize shallow celebrities and thuggish musicians and athletes. Gosh, that’s a novel thesis!

It’s probably even more indicative of cultural decay that someone can actually collect a check (presumably) from WND for writing like a peeved college freshman.

Here is John Rocker’s idea of a blistering critique of modern media:

It takes no more effort than to spend a few brief moments becoming broadly aware of some of the major influencing factors that permeate most facets of our society. If it’s not an obvious fact, then you probably live in a cave, if you don’t have at least moderate awareness as to the overwhelming amount of mindless, despicable garbage that permeates a host of media within our society. Studies have consistently shown, for example, that television through its visual and audible aspects has the greatest effect on the human psyche on many levels.

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Seriously, just look at that first sentence. Does it, in fact, say anything? Actually, it does: It says, more or less, “You can see this stuff everywhere.” But let’s not quibble. We are also impressed by Mr. Rocker’s insight that TV has both ” visual and audible aspects” — a pronouncement which promises to reshape media studies for years to come.

John Rocker really hates to have to tell you this, America, but after a great deal of thought about the major influencing factors that permeate most facets of our society, he thinks a lot of so-called “entertainment” is based on nothing more than cheap sexual thrills!

It says a lot about the state of our society as a whole when it takes at least two hands to list all of the female TV “stars” who have reached their talentless fame through the exploitation of “accidentally” leaked homemade sex tapes.

We will thank you to keep both of your hands on the table in plain sight, Mr. Rocker. But is there more? Of course there is. Is it racist? Well, it is John Rocker, so: yes.

Rocker identifies other bad influences who “are slowly eroding the fabric of our society’s integrity.” We thought that fabric “unravels,” but perhaps there are indeed sedimentary fabrics that are prone to erosion. (And really, who gives a schist?) But are these agents of societal erosion “water” and “wind-borne sand”? They are not!

Arenas such as professional athletics and music through which Americans create other influential “heroes” are also more times than not extremely poor examples of strong character for society’s observation. As consistent as the sunrise, it’s seemingly a daily occurrence to witness a revered athlete or musician in all of his tattooed/graffitied glory with a fresh set of gold teeth and prisonesque clothing being arrested for one thing or another or perhaps proudly speaking of his multitude of illegitimate children.

We believe that what Mr. Rocker actually meant to say here was something along the lines of “NIGGERNIGGERNIGGERNIGGERNIGGER.” But let us acknowledge that we are making something of a leap here, in playing the race card, since Mr. Rocker did not actually say that these hypothetical gold-tooth flashing thugs (in saggy pants, no less) were members of any particular hypothetical ethnic group. If we have erred in ascribing unsavory motives to him, we hope he will, in his magnaminity, grant us absolution.

Also, to his credit, Mr. Rocker never said nothing about no queers this time.

[WND]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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