Your Wonkette switched servers this weekend, a holiday weekend, so all kinks could be ironed out before business today. Oh wait, what’s that? Your Wonkette was supposed to switch servers this weekend, but then the programmer disappeared for two days because it was a religious holiday, and nobody could find him, but then the server-migrating guys were all, oh no problem, it will be done super early Monday morning, but then at 9 Eastern they were all “oh by super-early we mean by noon”? OK THAT IS GOOD TO KNOW.
What that means for you, of course, is that there will be no posting until we switch servers, because they will all just disappear anyway. What that ALSO means for you is that any comments you wrote since 10:40 a.m. on Friday or Saturday (we forget which, do not make us find that email right now) will disappear, and you will be sad. WE DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. Just be sad on your own time! In the meantime, may we recommend buying a goddamn hat, for your bean? Or you could masturbate to this sexy picture of our son. What do we care? We do not care. He is of age. Or you could do some shopping through Amazon, that link over to the right. Just click in that box and then buy something. It’s cool. Don’t mind us, we will just be refreshing our email, in a rage.
[Sodahead]
{ 257 comments }
Noon is super-early for me. What are you implying?
Noon is super late for some of us, but then again, it's still Sunday night for us.
You mean it's not Sunday any more?
Didn't see the sun go down?
I'll have what he's having, please!
"Up with the older, fatter birds" as a chum of mine puts it…
Wouldn't the older birds be *skinnier* anaconda those young'uns got up early and scarfed all the worms?
Or do I have my homilies mixed up?
Just opened my eyes, me own self.
Nice pussies. In the meanwhile please copy the following into your Facebook statuses forthwith:
"The shit that I post here is my shit, yo. All intellectual content including photos, status updates, messages and/or "sexts" are the property of whoever has access to my user password. This copyrighted material is the property of the National Football League. Any rebroadcast or reproduction without the consent of the NFL is strictly prohibited. If any recreation, dramatic re-enactment, joke-stealing or plagiarism of this property results in an erection lasting more than 4 hours, the immediate attention of a medical professional is strongly advised. Exactly how a medical professional is expected to deal with an erection lasting more than 4 hours is unclear at present, though one suspects few major insurance plans are likely to cover the required ministrations, nor should it be safe to assume The Hippocratic Oath affords much protection. 4-hour plagiarism erections should also be generally considered to constitute grounds for immediate de-friending with extreme prejudice, though management's decisions in such matters will be handled on a case by case basis. After all this is not Hitler's Germany."
You're welcome.
Insufficient buttt seks references, rewrite please.
Sigh, by the time I recompose it, the server will have zotted it. What's the purpose of life anyway?
It's been at least 20 years since anyone used "zotted" in my presence. *sniff* (wipes solitary tear)
"If any…..plagiarism of this property results in an erection lasting more than 4 hours, the immediate attention of a medical professional is strongly advised."
I would bloody think so. Especially since I'm a girl. Ba dum bum! Thank you, that's my dumb joke of the day! I'll be back later with more =)
So what you're saying is, "Drinks are on the house"?
I'm jiggy wid that.
I think I know what I just said, but I'm not 100% sure, OK. Don't sue if I said something bad.
I'm jigger wid that.
Hey no–
Oh. It's OK, it's a "j"…
Cheers.
Like I've taken the time to actually measure out a shot in the last 30 years…
But you'll have to climb up there and fetch them yourself, basically, yes.
Wait, Thanksgiving is a religious holiday? What religion?
Reformed Orthodox Eastern Exceptionalism.
Bourbonism.
Capitalism.
Win!
Finally! And to think this will be imortalized forever…
I attended services by partaking in a new vacuum cleaner for the hell of it.
Black Friday, sacred to all real Americans.
True. And unlike Christmas' ostensible celebration of unselfishness gift-giving, Black Friday is full frontal greed.
Don't you mean Urban Friday?
Only if Cube can get Chris Tucker back! http://www.bet.com/news/celebrities/2012/11/09/ic…
It's those darned Zoroastrians again.
First Church of the Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship
No, it was Friday and Saturday that were the holidays. Worshiping the Gods of Capitalism.
That said, most of my Christmas shopping is done. Booooyah!
Pentecostal Gluttonist.
Last!
I blame Obama!
Obama saw that photo and said "Ummm, a snack."
Will we all be smarter, funnier and snarkier with a new server? I certainly have my hopes up!
And cuter! Don't forget cuter!
That, in my case, would be impossible; have you not noticed my Avatar?
Not possible!
We will run faster and jump higher!
Being impossibly white (except for the inside) that would be a major miracle. Can't dribble, either.
"We will run faster and jump higher!"
That's Keds.
Then I've got some work to steal, er, do.
Rule one: don't get caught. Rule two: don't talk if you do.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.
I'm pretty sure Sharia Law prohibits cats in sinks, doesn't it?
Well, I can tell you they aren't kosher. Unless there's a rabbi butcher-type person handy in Wonkette Towers [I have no clue what they're called, alright].
Make that Halal please, eating pussy is an oldtime tref violation.
/fixed
Quatre cinq. Just duct-tape 'em to a stick to make a handy toilet bowl brush.
I sometimes have terrible visions.
The young ones are good for Venetian blinds as well.
Wait, so this comment is going to be deleted soon? Pussy retard t ri g!!!
Skull f u c k i n g with a rusty chainsaw, without votes! Yee-haw!
^^^^^ This is why we need the Patriot Act. ^^^^^
RETARD,RETARD,RETARD,RETARD,RETARD, etc.
Your Wonkette switched servers this weekend, a holiday weekend, so all kinks could be ironed out before business today.
Didn't work. I'm still here.
It doesn't say they will remove anyone, only that they will make us straight. Good luck with that, also, new server.
Um. Say what???
The bold print says it all, but it does use the escape word "could" so maybe never mind.
My bf will *certainly* be relieved to hear that. ;0)
DAVE DAVIES LIBEL!
Lola says what?
Im'ma make you a man.
Fucking I.T. …
…how does it work? Kinkily.
Sh1t goes in, kink comes out.
I was fucking IT all weekend, but only because I was alone.
*looks at Actor*
What?
SCCM of the Earth!
religious holiday
Just wait'll you see what negligent schematics they got planned for ya come Super Bowl SUNDAY, Trix!
(j/k… srsly hope the issues get resolved sooner than later)
Fuck the hats — I want the Kitten with a Whip crewneck tee!!
Well, I guess technically I want what INSIDE the Kitten with a Whip crewneck tee…
Oh yeah, she is lookin' GOOOOOOD, huh? So glamorous!
Technically I want what's INSIDE the inside of the Kitten with a Whip crewneck tee…
And kitties don't *think* they're cute. Kitties ARE cute.
Has Barb weighed in yet?
Yeah, 132 with my clothes on. remember, I am tall and can get away with the extra curves without looking chunky.
Wait, is that what you meant?
Do you think you could defeat Paula Broadwell in battle?
The cute is in us, not the kitties. They are amorphous blobs of gray neumena.
Where's kittensdontlie?
I thought shaving your kitty was all the rage with the young ladies these days… No?
By order of congress all carpet must match the drapes in 2013, expect a baldness outbreak.
Something something Burma Shave.
Did anyone else besides me *just* learn this weekend that All Cats have Asperger's Syndrome???
Nope , this was news to me.
That video made me wonder if I have Asperger's.
Does that mean I need to stop beating them before I put them in the Skinner Box for the weekend?
Obviously that theory is being espoused by people who have no clue about the kitty-love. Our big boy has an enormous "emotional" vocabulary, is tuned into us, and is just as demonstrative as (gasp) a dog.
None of which would really be a contra-indicator for Asperger's (assuming it had anything to do with cats, which I personally don't buy). Both autistic and Asperger's sufferers can have deep emotional attachments to their close family members and particularly the folks on the Asperger's end of the spectrum develop coping mechanisms. In fact, one of the big reasons people have a hard time accepting a diagnosis is because, unlike a kid with autism, there isn't a glaring social deficit like a speech delay or complete standoffishness. It is much subtler, and as a result can actually be a lot harder to deal with in the long term.
Having a more than passing familiarity with the Autism Spectrum, I'd never put cats on it. Those fuckers know exactly what they want and can be intentionally cruel. They are generally sociopathic if anything. Asperger's folks are just fucking socially clueless – myself included. Hence the compulsion to speak seriously about joky videos.
Now dogs, they are definitely all damaged. But in that "aren't they precious" television telethon way, not the "I have no fucking clue what is wrong with you but you creep me out" effect folks on the Spectrum have on others (again, including me).
Thank fuck it's not ponies.
Oh you just wait, the herd can be heard approaching.
Since you brought it up:
http://civilservant.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/g…
Since this will all disappear anyways, I have something I've been meaning to get off my chest.
I shot JR.
The Bush years. Just like Pam's dream.
A very slow bullet, should have used votes. Too soon?
But you did not shoot the Bobby, oh no?
That's waaaay too English for this crowd.
Crikey! Don't be such a bloody wanker. Now hand me my trousers and push the button for the lift. I've got a lorry to catch.
Were you knocked up properly this morn, guv?
Hey, I had bangers and mash for brekkies.
Oh yes, there's really no better way to start on the week than to jump up at the crack of noon. Or was that jump up and try to score some crack to start the week? Meh…
"Honey, the fucking bathroom sink is clogged again!"
Kittyblog?
Do not use kitties for server migration. They are easily distracted.
Is our P safe? (Fapping to "our" son).
♪"She works hard for the p-score / So you better treat it right!" ♫ — Donna Summer
I thought it was "p-ness"? Which makes the song much more fun!
♪"She works haaaard..
…So ha-a-ard…
…p-ness…." ♪
By jove, you're right!
Somehow the fact this post will soon vanish gives it a certain piquancy. It's a metaphor, for how we are all but walking shadows, fated to strut and fret during our mere hour upon the stage, only to be heard no more.
Man, I have got to get laid soon.
Orgy time?
I got laid twice yesterday.
I got laid off during the Bush II years, does that count? Before you rush to judge, I did get screwed, in a way, too.
Oh good. Now I can get in a bath and a nap and not miss anything.
"Bath"?
Well, la-di fucking dah, Frenchy!
I thought Frenchies were known for infrequent bathing.
If these comments are going to be deleted than I will take this time to confess to the Kennedy assassination,The Roswell alien cover-up,and crying during an episode of Golden Girls.
Your Wonkette was supposed to switch servers this weekend.
Is this code for sexing or something??
So, how will I know that the server has switched? Funky old style webpage? P-ness reset to 0? Kortney returns?
Mmmmmm, Kortney.
Giant Macy's Balloon Campbell Brown will sit in judgement of your Cheetos
Kortney "loves" her vegatables.
Wait – Kortney Love? Is that a Kurt Cobain thing?
Who wins a cheek-off between Campbell and Founding Editrix Ana Marie Cox?
http://i.i.com.com/cnwk.1d/i/tim//2010/05/19/camp…
http://wwwimage.cbsnews.com/images/2006/09/12/ima…
Hmmm. Not the most flattering shot of our foundress. Did she have a cheek job or something?
Ken Layne recipes.
Miss Becca, your son looks like a very nice guy. :0)
If he decides to play on our team, let me know. I've got a bud – Jamie – who'd be on him like a bee on honey. Jamie's a good egg, employed, smart, funny, no addictions, no jail record, and his family lives on the other side of the continent. Such a deal, no?
I just spent a fortune at the Amazon.com link through Wonkette for Cyber Monday. Is there a link to porn? I need to wind down now.
I see your avatar is posing in bathroom sinks for Wonkette now. What's her story: "I was young and needed the money?"
She was wasted on catnip.
And here I thought "Hellhole of Sin" was confined to the Sunday post!
Now she qualifies for a gubmint job.
The laser pointer made me do it.
Think of Twinkies…
Hm. Odd how that's the exact same dream I had this morning, only instead of kittehs, it was me and Editrix and the sink was a hot tub…
Chicks love this kind of stuff! Add more details and you're in like Flynn!
"And then three days later came the urinary tract infection…"
QUIT JUDGING!
I thought it was just a leaky eye. It's not my fault it turned out to be conjunctivitis.
The kinks are tired of waiting for you to iron them out.
Hey, we're on a Low Budget here!
I read a biography of the Kinks a few months back and was somewhat surprised to find out that both Davies boys are notorious cheap bastards, i.e. leave their friends to pay the bar bill and such. Really?
I hadn't heard that but it wouldn't surprise me. Rock musicians of that era can be notoriously stingy. McCartney has been rumoured to have once toured for almost a year and never paid his band members.
I've been waiting for this…. thank you. One of the best bands evah.
My comment will disappear? What a shame; I'll make sure I point out later how witty and insightful it was.
I know how to get those lazy cats out of the sink!
*reaches over and turns faucet on full blast*
Clearly, you've never met my cat, who showers regularly.
Which is more than I can say for most Wonketteers.
My cat (Aldous Huxley) hogs the shower and is always first in. Unlike myself, the cold water doesn’t bother him. I have learned to dodge the droplets when he finally leaves and shakes the excess water off. Damn cat.
Mine walks through the shower, then nestles in between the shower curtain and liner to watch.
I'd be concerned if he wasn't such a sweet cat, but I did see him hastily close down a web browser one morning that I think was at uglyuglybagsofmostlywater.com…
I’m fairly certain my name in the cat language translates to Food Dispensing Unit #1.
It's Paula Poundstone who imagines your cat saying, "How can you do that?"
My cat sits out in the rain, fur glistening with raindrops.
Hey, no, they're good. No splash when one pees in the sink!!!
So the mouth on your av is just sort of self preservation?
But… but… but…
I had found ALL of the weekend comments remarkably easy to fap to! What now?
I can haz existential crisis? This comment shall soon cease to exist…so thus do I go into the dark as well?
When did this become a Kitty Pic Recipe Card Lit Major Mommy Hookup War Blog?!
Just wait until we land on the new server. We shall have extreme couponing and hidden object games too.
Wait, hookup?
Dude, there is so much swappin' goin' on here, the new site background image will be '70s rec room paneling!
Bowchicka-what, now?
In real news, Justin Beiber was booed during his performance at the Grey Cup ceremonies in Toronto yesterday.
When I heard that on NPR this morning, I started wondering if god does, afterall, exist. I got over that and went back to being a heathen. But, also, too, it made me love Canada even more than ever before.
Yeah, but in another article I read about the Grey Cup halftime, nobody seems to know who Gordon LIghtfoot is, who performed also.
AREYOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??? HOW COULD ANY SELF-RESPECTING CANADIAN NOT KNOW WHO GORDON LIGHTFOOT IS???
Sorry. Just shocked, is all.
They probably know 'The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald', but don't know who wrote it.
Earworm planted.
CAREFREE HIGHWAY LIBEL!
That is encouraging.
What's a Bieber?
It's a machine that makes noise when trucks back up.
It's a picture of Barb and kittensdontlie.
Whatever happens in a bathroom sink, stays in the sink.
I don't know about you Kitten, but I saw the nail clippers to the left of the sink and I am running.
The book on the loo is entitled STALKER, and has me just as worried.
You know who else washes their pussy in a sink?
♪♫ A gin-soaked Dame in
MemphisMidtown ♫♪ ??"Bidet" is the polite term. It is the cunnilinguist's friend.
Always good to hear from cunning linguists, who are people too, my friend.
Courtney Love on tour?
Linseed Graham?
The Bangles?
I am now very sad. please please listen to me.. about my sadness. very.
I has already bought my hat, thanks. We are in our
nine11½ month rainy season and I must protect my pate. Does your IT department also handle the shipping?No, all teh shipping and wrapping and posting and other such is done by ME! It is probably my favorite part of the day.
Never leave your pate out in the rain.
Someone left my pate out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never take that acid again, oh no
Switching servers? Well, that's good news for Mitt Romney!
Rather than having conventional servers, I think Wonkette should go with a team of snark-serving Brazillian restaurant gauchos. Just turn your token to the green side when you want more snark. kkkkkk!
http://www.thisweeknews.com/content/graphics/2012…
I thought gauchos were Argentinian? Who is the gaucho, amigo?
They have gauchos in Brazil, too. Have you not been exposed to the meat orgy of the Brazillian Restaurant Experience?!
http://www.fogodechao.com/menu/dining-experience/
Now that you mention it, only indirectly. I worked with an Australian guy who had a Brazilian wife. He only did vegetarian lunches, to recover from the meat onslaught at home.
I've been trying to get away from meat, myself. Puts me in a food coma too easily anymore. Sushi is another story entirely, though.
Wow. I didn't know this place was a franchise. The missus and I took a visiting Wonkettier there for dinner when she was in town for a job interview last year. The food was pretty good, but I noticed there were no gauchas, only gauchos.
Is the token a little green thing with a picture of a duck on it?
EDIT: sorry for the obscurity. This will only make sense if you grew up in Seattle in the 60's and listened to KJR.
Really, really salty snark. (but so tasty)
This is great! It's like posting into a void. Like running up the AMEX the day before 12/21 when the lights all go out. I can say anything, only I can't think because of this damned hangover. It takes two days of drinking to get ready for my in-laws to come over and two more to get past it. (Really helps if you can't really remember what goes on between the showing up and the leaving.)
Y'all get the feeling we've been told to play with – I mean – amongst ourselves?
Oh boy! Circlejerks for all! Early Christmas!
Nice pussies.
Rebecca, your son is a handsome young man. The tat thing is kinda weird, though.
He put his first (late) mom on his chest, and I think didn't want to hurt my feelings, so he put my name too.
If y'all's comments are about to get vaporized or "disappeared" or whatnot that posted since 10:40 on Saturday ("Caturday") and you're thinking it'd be nice to retain access to any or all super special ones, go turn on yer intensedebate-email-notification setting and I'll run a quick marathon replying to everyone's between Fri-Sat. (there were maybe 3 stories posted, total?) — then you'll see your kewl Words To Live By forever entombed in your email … for-EVAH~
Wow – that's a lot of replying. Your dedication to the cause will earn you a commendation after the Wonkette revolution.
Bless your heart.
So, a big "fuck you" to Omar Khayyam?
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Hilarity nor Snark
Shall lure it back to Delete or Edit half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a forbidden t rig-Word of it.”
I thought you outsourced most of the programming to IntenseDebate.
BTW is it just me thinking this: if someone created a commenting system where the p-ness formula was actually obvious, they'd make gazillions? ("Fucking p-ness, how does it work?")
Thus spake actor.
I would like to purchase a Wonkette app. Please can you make us an app? I will use good money – swear to God.
How 'bout a newsletter?
Why would I want more e-mail?
There's an app for that!
I don't want an e-mail app. I want a Wonkette app.
EDIT – Swear to God, this is like walking into my neighborhood diner. "I'd like a Reuben." They're out of corned beef. "How about a tuna melt instead?" I do not care for melted tunas!
If you delete my posts, do I not bleed?
Only if you get pricked.
Once a month, but they have an app for that.
"this sexy picture of our son. "
You're Amish?
Glasspusher's law of IT: if you're smart enough to be good at IT, you are smart enough to be good at other things. If all you know is IT, you're an idiot.
Kitties are scary.
I don't get why it should be so hard to change a server. I mean, at El Chico last Saturday my server changed from Jaunita to Juan in little under 15 minutes.
Why are you dragging that up?
"changed from Jaunita to Juan" sounds like the story line for the Chas bio-pic, but doing so in under 15 minutes might qualify this as an event for the olympics.
If it was a change from Juan to Juanita I would have blamed it on an accident in the kitchen.
Or perhaps you could blame it on the surgery that is often called a Loppitofomee?
Your IT guys are either counter-revolutionaries or suicide troops left behind when the rest of their unit evacuated during the War on Christmas (Hiroo Onoda libel, of course).
Be sad on your own time
Copyright: Bain & Co. Employee Handbook
Servers are so 2010. Has teh Wonkette not heard of the cloud? It's a pretty place…
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all.
OK, at 11:55 am sharp, everyone strip down to their Wonkette T-shirts and panties and head to the middle of Wonkette square for the countdown. I will bring a taser in case I need to rescue any ladies from actor212's unwanted attentions!
11:58 and all's well?
2 minutes till noon, Eastern! Let's see it!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuEN5TjYRCE
Just in time for the Hal-a-daze.
Pretty sure this kind of thing is what the Mayans were talking about.
Yeah. VW van with black lights and bong or GTFO.
MY GOD! IT'S FULL OF STARS!
Wait, what time zone are we talkin' about?
It's 12:04 Eastern. Did this comment survive?
Never Standard Time.
Slacker IT people time.
Like teh Wonkette, the space-time continuum is warped.
This comment will be deleted forever.
Or longer if need be, also.
Are we in heaven now? It's 12:20.
BeccaLou, man, you so need some of this JillyBean. (takes a deep drag, passes the spliff)
Aww cute kitties are cute. And this is what I am like when facing a comment deleting crisis – lame.
Pish-tush. "Cute" – exterior or interior – is in the eye o' the beholder. :0)
Aw, you have a certain je ne sais quoi-fu.
I'm sure it helps to be legally blind.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.
I thought beauty was in the eye of the beerholder, no?
See?!
Quoi-fu you, too! ;)Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.
When you get to me my age you'll dribble like hell.
I've taught mine to sniff.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.
What happens in prison stays in prison. Parole too.
Lets hope so!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.
I count "one Mississippi." That's about right.
By spelling out "M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I"
Using a glass is about all the civility I can muster.
Crooked letter, crooked letter.
Why waste the dishwater?
You keds get off my lawn!
You better take care, if I find you've been creepin' round my back stairs
There's more than one way? Sounds like a butt seks request.
No microbe on earth, or one of my cousins, can stand up to a shot of I.W. Harper Gold Label.
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