Part 13: A Perfectly Calm Discussion Of Why Liberals Are Pure Evil

Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook To Rescue Your Homeschooled Child From The Modern Age

Inevitable results of the liberal outlookPop quiz, everyone! It’s a review question from Chapter 24 of our 10th-grade Christianist textbook, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective:

“What phenomenon at the beginning of the 20th century threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization?”

OK, pencils down! Anyone care to share your answer?

No, it is not “buttsex,” and for that you can stay after class and muck out the Pony stalls.

The correct answer, of course, is “Liberalism.” We will give partial credit for “Marxism,” because same difference.

We get a little lesson on the meaning of “liberal,” including this buggy entomology: “The word liberal comes from a Latin word which means ‘free'” (The book doesn’t tell us which Latin word, because that might lead to Popery). We learn that some desires for freedom are good, such as free markets or a “liberal arts” education which “frees a person to think clearly for himself and not to depend on others to do his thinking for him” (as long as he thinks the right things, of course).

Modern liberalism, however, is the desire to be free from absolute standards and morals, especially those of the Scriptures. Beginning with the un-Biblical idea that man is basically good, liberalism challenges such basic assumptions as the existence of absolute truth, objective knowledge, and a universally binding morality.

Needless to say, the book’s later section on the Holocaust does not mention Anne Frank or her un-Biblical belief that “in spite of everything…people are truly good at heart,” because questions about whether Anne Frank is in Hell make many Christians uncomfortable. (OK, probably not these guys; they’d confidently say that’s the current location of most people who’ve ever lived, duh.) So what evils flow from thinking that people are good and are not bound by the universal morality of Christian publishers in Pensacola, FL?

Modern liberalism usually equates itself with the desire to free man from authority order, restraint, and responsibility; in practice, however, liberalism usually leads to the imposed restraints of government control over many aspects of life, resulting in the transfer of responsibility from the individual to the state. Instead of freedom, liberalism ends in slavery first to man’s unbridled passions (anarchy) and eventually to an all powerful, totalitarian state.

We get the sense that these guys are, like the Paul Reiser character in Diner, not entirely comfortable with nuance.* In case anyone missed the point in earlier chapters, we learn that Freedom is in fact Slavery:**

Indeed, the same ideas of unbelief and revolution (i.e. — the Enlightenment, German philosophy etc.) that gave rise to Communism, socialism, and other false philosophies also spawned modern liberalism. All ideas have consequences, and modern liberalism has had many tragic consequences — war, tyranny despair — for mankind.

Hyperbole in the defense of Western Culture is no vice. So, in contrast to this bleak, life-destroying idea, we have good wholesome American guts and decent church-going conservatives (with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces):

American and other Western conservatives believe there are eternal values that need to be preserved in human thought and action; they also seek to preserve the ]udeo-Christian heritage that has made Western civilization great.

OK, but Anne Frank is still in Hell. She was put there by liberals.

Western conservatism emphasizes the following principles:

(1) There are absolutes established by God — eternal values that need to be conserved. (This contrasts with the belief of many liberals that everything is relative and constantly changing, leaving man to create his own values.)
(2) There is more to life than this present physical world. Any idea that does not take the spiritual and eternal into consideration is limited and unrealistic.

Angels and miracles: Absolutely real. Natural selection: A fairy tale. As usual, we’d like to see these guys take a pledge to abstain from any medical interventions developed with knowledge based in evolutionary theory…

(3) Because of man’s fallen nature, there is a necessity for governmental authority (law) and for the order, responsibilities, and restraints of such traditional institutions as family, church, and community. And although government is important and necessary, government alone cannot provide for man’s needs.
(4) Because of the realities of human nature, people will be happier and more productive if they maintain private responsibility for their own property, families, and futures. If government controls these things, the result will be poverty and tyranny.

Government helping to feed people is slavery. Government oversight of uteruses and what people are allowed to do with their genitals is, of course, only common sense.

(5) Man’s sinful nature makes it impossible to perfect society (either through legislation, education, the arts, or any other means). Any attempt to impose a “perfect” system on mankind leads only to misery and despair. Man cannot solve every social problem.

Keeping sluts in line and making sure that no child ever finds a bad word in a library book, however, is admirable. Come to think of it, libraries are socialist. You only need one book, anyway.

(6) Because people differ from one another in many ways, any artificial attempt at creating and imposing “equality” upon society will lead to discontent and eventual dictatorship.

Our negroes were perfectly happy before all those outside agitators showed up and started stirring up trouble.

(7) For humanity to survive and prosper, the truths from the past must be transmitted to each generation (education), providing a foundation for facing present problems and setting a course for the future.

But not at taxpayer expense.

In case there were any questions, the authors include a perfectly clear and understandable graphic aid (which for some reason is missing in the more recent 3rd edition of the text):

Arrows? Why arrows? Who drew this thing?

We honestly have no idea what those arrows are supposed to indicate. Or the fact that they’re angled in the second instance. We may need to go lie down now. By way of summation, this section closes with a reminder that

Of course, the most powerful conservative force through the ages has been the Bible, which contains God’s revelation of Himself, the universe, man, morality and the conflict between good and evil.

Especially that Parable of the Talents? That’s some parable, that Parable of the Talents! Also, the parts about stoning homosexuals are pretty good. Needless to say, anyone suggesting that Jesus had any radical ideas about equality, human dignity, or how the poor should be treated is a dangerous agitator who should be reported to the authorities. The Sermon on the Mount is especially suspect.

*Comments on video disabled, possibly because the uploader found that easier than correcting his description of Barry Levinson’s movie as a “1982 Robert Altman film.” Goddamn troll.
**Yes, of course they later claim George Orwell, the socialist, as a conservative writer, since he “graphically portrayed the horrors of the totalitarian state.” Ugh, these people.

Next Week: More dangerous liberals of the 20th Century, like Sigmund Freud, Bertrand Russell, John Dewey, and…Kierkegaard and Nietzsche?

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if you would like 140 characters of the finest nuance around, Doktor Zoom is on Twitter too.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  1. sbj1964

    In the context of human history there has been well over 10,000 gods throughout .When a person of faith can answer why they don't believe in the other 9,999 Plus other gods just tell them that is why I don't believe in yours.

      1. sbj1964

        Exactly.If those gods are not real than why would anyone think your god is real?(Actual response from an actual Atheist.)Thank you BzB.

        1. WTE

          If you believe in God, you have chosen to reject Allah, Vishnu, Budda, Waheguru and all of the thousands of other gods that other people worship today. It is quite likely that you rejected these other gods without ever looking into their religions or reading their books. You simply absorbed the dominant faith in your home or in the society you grew up in.

          In the same way, the followers of all these other religions have chosen to reject God. You think their gods are imaginary, and they think your God is imaginary.

          In other words, each religious person on earth today arbitrarily rejects thousands of gods as imaginary, many of which he/she has never even heard of, and arbitrarily chooses to "believe" in one of them

          1. sullivanst

            Spoiler alert: Allah and God are one and the same, they're both the dudes that set fire to Moses' bush and told the Jews to stone the gays and anyone who eats shellfish.

  2. memzilla

    So, being free to do what I want to do means I am not free, because I am a slave to my desire to do what I want to do? Hmm. I need better union representation.

  3. Steverino247

    "Man cannot solve every social problem."

    Especially those social problems caused by the widespread belief among Christians that you should beat children and stunt their intellectual development with the fables of Bronze Age nomadic shepherds.

      1. gullywompr

        If not man, then who? Oh right… God. But not if we deny him, right? So then, it's up to man again? Man, God, man, God…. that's some fucking Mobius Strip shit right there.

    1. Negropolis

      Plus, since "man cannot solve every social problem" that means that they shouldn't try to solve any, at all.

  4. glasspusher

    Nice to see the Talmud didn't even rank on their "standards" chart. Guess Muslims are better than Jews in their opinion?

      1. glasspusher

        Yeah, I figured they just got lumped in with that, and the Koran shows up there probably as an example of “false” religions? Why not throw in the Book of Mormon too?

        1. Doktor Zoom

          It's a small chart that had to fit at the bottom of a page. "All the wrong varieties of Christianity," of course, are indicated by the bendy arrows.

          1. ericthefredd

            I especially like the reference to "Marxism-Leninism" as one of the 'Standards' apparently rejected by Liberals. They are totally undermining the people trying to teach that Liberals are all secretly Communists.

          2. Doktor Zoom

            Yeah, that's part of the total fail of the chart–they're trying to suggest that being a "liberal" in a Marxist system is a good thing, but it's an awfully sloppy depiction.

            Can't for the life of me imagine why they dropped that chart in the 2010 3rd edition (Of course, they kept all the rest of teh Crazy)

    1. bikerlaureate

      Maybe it's too fluid to be considered a standard, what with all of those scholars still decoding it and all.

  5. glasspusher

    I love that mindset where the oppressors feel oppressed. Too bad self awareness doesn't go along with it.

    1. ButthurtWingers2012

      True…like when a state such as Alabama passes a series of Draconian laws because they say the bibble says so and then they flip out and scream about "religious oppression" when one of their douchebag klan-lite judges can't plop a huge, garish 10 commandments monument inside a state building? I know…these assholes really bother me…not because they're psycho that actually makes them humorous. But because they INSIST this country is supposed to conform to a very specific version of right wing evangelism and manage to pass laws enacting portions of it to inflict on an unsuspecting populace and then they whine about oppression when they don't get their way. If they could just leave other people the fuck alone then their wierd snake handling, delusional jabbering and pathological "god speaks to me directly' lunacy would be hilarious rather than disturbing. Oh and the "do as I say not as I do" hypocrisy of the hyper devout on the religious right is purely nauseating…

      1. NellCote71

        True dat. I work at a university, too, one where the student senate voted to support the right to carry concealed hand-gun s on campus. I don't have to worry about going to hell. I am already there.

    1. sbj1964

      Here at the Wonk that would be Monday-Sunday 9am-5pm except on Holidays that encourage alcoholic consumption.The staff gets kind of saucy,and you get phoned in Posts about Sarah Palin.The 12 step program at the Wonkette consists of how many steps it takes to get from they're car to the bar.

  6. glasspusher

    "Unless we conform, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free"- Frank Burns

    1. Geminisunmars

      I never appreciated Frank Burns as the towering thinker that he was until I watched the Republican Presidential Primary Debates.

      1. memzilla

        I just realized that Franks Burns could make passable claim to being the bastard son of Montgomery Burns.

      1. glasspusher

        Oh, Pierce and McIntyre, they think they're really smart/I'd like to take a scalpel, and stab 'em in the heart!

  7. BadKitty904

    And here I thought fluoridation was the phenomenon that threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization. Just how many bugaboos do the Neo-cons have to keep the ignorant frightened and in line?

    Pick two or three fake "threats" and stick with 'em, you people. I'm getting confused…

    1. glasspusher

      Fluoridation may destroy the roots of civilization, but it strengthens the enamel. You can't have everything.

        1. glasspusher

          If you're suggesting that in their quest to prevent moral decay, they have become the agent for intellectual decay, I'm suggesting that I agree with you.

          1. glasspusher

            The solution to our problems will be found through our society's molarity? I think I'm stretching a little too hard on that one…

    1. YouFail4eva

      Up is down, black is white, and ignorance is knowledge! Bring on the LSD and let's make this a world to forget!

    2. bikerlaureate

      Whenever the rabble object to The Way Things Are, it can only end in totalitarianism (which is not at all like how the Tribes of Israel were run).

    3. HogeyeGrex

      Nobody has ever accused these people of logical consistency.

      Except maybe the logical consistency of applesauce.

    1. Negropolis

      I guess the cost is selling your mind away piece by piece, and eventually you get to purchase the "prize" of sheer paranoid insanity…err…The Word or whatever the hell they want to call it.

  8. memzilla

    Actually, the most shocking thing in this whole post is the discovery that no one has claimed the domain name

  9. VodkaGoGo

    Ah, so all it takes to be a good liberal is to reject things conservatives don't like. That makes sense, it's just like being Joe Lieberman. "Even the liberal Joe Lieberman thinks government healthcare is dangerous"

  10. BeccaBlast

    I am always amused that these fools neglect that the majority of laws in the Old Testament and the New are as to how the Nation of Israel is to treat the poor and less fortunate in their midst.

    G*d does not tell the prophets to say, "Hear, O those of you in Israel who have excess income and the convenience to do so" — the orders are "Hear, O Israel — this is what you will do if you will be My People."

    We fail the test of being a Godly nation not because someone somewhere might be having buttsex; we fail it because we have ignored every law G*d gave us as to how to behave towards other people.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Ah, but you see, all those rules apply only to individuals, not governments. If a gummint feeds the hungry or cares for the sick, that magically transmutes it into slavery.

      Sure, God, who tended to be awfully specific about distinctions between clean and unclean animals, didn't actually make that distinction, but it's just so obvious that He meant that.

      1. BeccaBlast

        It must be my silly girl brain that keeps fixating on that "governments derive their powers from the governed" idea. *giggle flirt wink*

        I bet every one of the idiots who love these books believe in the totally ungodly precept of American Exceptionalism, too (nice to know that spell-check thinks that's a typo that needs correcting). As She makes pretty clear in Her scriptures, even if we are the best thing in humanity, that makes us the shiniest… effluent in the dung heap.

        Yay, us!

      2. Pennywhistler

        Well, since you mention it, most of the "rules" in the Hebrew Scriptures are for priests, judges, armies, the entire nation, prophets, families, AS WELL AS individuals.

        1. HogeyeGrex

          I do seem to remember something about a nation or two being all smited like wholsale for being ungodly and whatnot.

          1. Pennywhistler

            Your memory has failed you. No nations in Hebrew Scriptures were smited like wholesale for being ungodly and whatnot.

            And what that has to do with the "rules" applying to individuals and classes along with governments is beyond me.

    2. Negropolis

      We fail the test of being a Godly nation not because someone somewhere might be having buttsex; we fail it because we have ignored every law G*d gave us as to how to behave towards other people.

      Oh, there are plenty of laws that they adhere to, religiously, as to how to behave towards other people. Perhaps they are just the ones you don't like. And, that's kind of the problem with religion, in general; anyone can claim to be adhearing to the laws…and most of the time, both who claim such a thing or correct.

  11. ManchuCandidate


    Absolute unless it is non white (read US Amercians)… or liebruls… or atheists… or fellow Xtian nutjobs who don't agree with us.

    This contrasts with the belief of many liberals that everything is relative and constantly changing, leaving man to create his own values

    Um… okay.

      1. Boojum

        An unregulated morass being necessary to the ignorance of a free corporate State, the right of the proper people to keep, bear, and use arms against liberals shall not be infringed, too also.

  12. PsycWench

    There are absolutes established by God — eternal values that need to be conserved.
    Which is why no conservative woman today ever cuts her hair, wears pants, works outside the home or runs for political office.

  13. VodkaGoGo

    Sorry OT: I was just watching Face the Nation and someone on the panel was doing card tricks for Bob Scheifer and he was giggling like a schoolgirl. Gotta love the very serious people on the Sunday bobble head shows, they're a treasure providing a sacred service to the American people!

    1. glasspusher

      Nothing wrong with showing you have a sense of humor from time to time. I respect those who do more than those who don't. Lighten up, Francis.

    2. ttommyunger

      That's what you get for watching that drivel. I tweeted Ten Good Reasons to Avoid Today's Suday Gas Bag Shows. Here they are for your enjoyment: Lindsey Graham, Joe Klein, Peggy Noonan, Peter King, Carley Fiornia, Jon Kyle, Kay Bailey Hutchison, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, and Liz Cheney. BTW, if I want a good chuckle, I'll watch Fox and Fiends.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        I'll always treasure that episode of Press the Meat where she'd had too much gin to drink, tried to show David Gregory how she could still launch a ping-pong across the room from her hoo-ha but ended up losing sphincter control and shitting all over him.

  14. BadKitty904

    And *W*H*Y*, pray, is the person (man? woman?) passed out nekkid on the table, amidst the alcoholic carnage, a REDHEAD?!?!?!??!

    What kind of vile, pro-melanin bigotry is THIS?!

    1. WTE

      I love when christians get all butt hurt when you show them how hitler followed the teachings of christ and is teh most famous christian of the 20th century

    1. YouFail4eva

      Nah, mang, she was retroactively unbaptized after there were complaints. She was then proactively baptized just to get it over done.

      1. Beowoof

        I wonder if I am the only one that made the wrong relate to Last Tango in Paris. After all buttsechs is huge here at Wonkette.

      1. YouFail4eva

        It's almost like the people using the words have no idea what they mean. But that can't be true, right?

    1. christianmuslin

      Sounds more like where the conservative Tea Party wants to lead us with the total lsck of tolerance of opposing views.

  15. glesslib

    So, I guess I can pretty much give up my new business plan of selling copies of, "Lies My Teachers Told Me" and "Don't Know Much About History" at Christian home schoolers' conventions?

  16. Mumbletypeg

    I'll go along with whoever (Pascal?) said about the God-shaped vacuum in man's heart, just for a second.
    Why these Xtian posers end up filling that void with mean-eyed scrutiny, suspicion of others' motives in outreach, and curricula hamfisted with ideology that undermines the scripture-embedded mission to serve fellow man — must be the same quandary that characterizes a party that worships Power yet is subscribed to by autotrons unaware how the efforts they're cheerleading feed and strengthen the abuse of that Power.
    It isn't really very God-flattering in the end, just a bunch of homophobes who deep down realize you *can't* be all-Godly ALL the time, but rather than admit that, they hang obnoxious pretensions and decoys on their faith like cheap Xmas decorations, never thinking the real hole in their façade still waits to be filled with something showing actual heart.

  17. kittensdontlie

    Beginning with the un-Biblical idea that man is basically good.

    Yes, God is the Great Giver of Goodness. Let us thank him graciously for the pestilence, flood, famine, drought, disease, and war that he bestows upon us. Amen.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I burn down your cities, how blind you must be
      I take from you your children And you say how blessed are we
      You all must be crazy to put your faith in me
      That's why I love mankind.

    2. ericthefredd

      They've also lumped every Buddhist, Hindu and Confucian in with the evil Liberals by dismissing one of their most fundamental precepts.

    3. evodevo1

      O Lord, please don't burn us, Don't grill us or toast your flock, Don't put us on a barbecue, Or simmer us in stock, Don't braise us or bake or boil us, Or stir-fry us in a wok. (Meaning of Life)
      Thank you Monty Python, for some of the most devastating, tongue-in-cheek satire of religion ever composed …

  18. gullywompr

    This is my 2500th comment on Wonkette. I can think of no better way to expend it than in support of the War on Christianists. This type of indoctrination is just vile. I feel really sorry for the kids that are forced to read this drivel, and I have nothing but contempt for the parents who force them to. The authors of this book are truly (repeat: truly) despicable, and deserve far more than the scorn and derision we can provide here.

    Fuck these people. Exclude them from any discussion of how our planet is managed.

          1. gullywompr

            Not sure what the label is. Suffice it to say that I'm a guy that refuses to set a place at the table for Chistianists, being under no obligation to entertain arguments that have no basis in intelligence. These people are quite simply invalid, and as such have forfeited all rights to inclusion in the management of human affairs. I give them no quarter whatsoever, here and forevermore.

            Sorry, on this topic, I'm all out of funny.

          2. sewollef

            Unadulterated shit like these books made me an atheist [if we must, for the sake of a label].

            What it boils down to is, religion is a problem that the world keeps reliving, millennia after millennia. During the course of which there is a thinning out of the species known as 'humans'.

            Gott Mit Uns being the modus operandi of these zealots. Whether it's xtians, muslims, jews or whoever the hell else there is.

            As Richard Dawkins says, "Over the course of millennia we as a species have discarded god after god after god…. the xtian/muslim/jewish god is merely one more we need to discard in order to progress to a saner world."

    1. BadKitty904

      Only a shrunken, twisted form of Christianity could dwell in such shrunken, twisted hearts.

      "…holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these."
      ~ II Epistle to Timothy 3:5, NAS

      1. gullywompr

        Well, a large quantity of them were dick jokes, so thinking doesn't have a whole lot to do with it, but thanks.

        1. YouFail4eva

          Nah, dick jokes take a lot of work to stay fresh and as the kids say "hip". So crack open a cold bud light, oh commenter on Wonkette. Cause we like nothing more than new dick jokes.

    2. Toomush_Infer

      See, the joke is not that these authors are despicable – in their own, homeschooled, Bob Jones educated way, they've tried to make the universe understandable from a smug perspective….it's envisioning their collegiate discussions, their jowl-shaking rhetoric and the Babtist-blasted Sundays of their youth that make these conclusions inevitable and epically preposterous…the only question is: will science prevail against the Idiocracy?… people aren't having children anymore….

  19. biraweeyaz

    whoa whoa, so a Christian who adheres to the "standard" (the Bible) and who doesn't reject said standard is a conservative? but a Muslim who adheres to (basically the same standard of) the Koran is a liberal? but isn't that some form of moral relativism? which is a liberal idea? #mindblown

    1. Doktor Zoom

      No, they're a conservative, but they're conserving the WRONG THING. So to become a good person, they need to become a liberal to Islam and hew to conservative Christianity.

      Which reminds me of the cliche about there being no one more insufferably zealous than a convert…

    2. drstrabismus

      Uh, no. I don't think they are saying that. A Muslim who adheres to the Koranic standard is conservative, but bad. As is a Communist who adheres to the Marxist-Leninist standard. A Commie or a Muslim who did not adhere to the M-L or K. standards, respectively, would be a liberal, but in that case that would be good.

  20. Mittens Howell, III

    "Modern liberalism, however, is the desire to be free from absolute standards and morals, especially those of the Scriptures."

    That sentence is remarkably easy to fap to.

  21. Joshua Norton

    Modern liberalism, however, is the desire to be free from absolute standards and morals, especially those of the Scriptures.

    Yeah. Conservatives prefer to cling to happy things like Timothy 6:1:

    "All who are under the yoke of slavery should consider their masters worthy of full respect, so that God's name and our teaching may not be slandered."

    Good times. Good times.

  22. cletar

    “What phenomenon at the beginning of the 20th century threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization?”

    Oh. I thought the answer was "Germans."

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        Do you know about this?

        Kathie Lee has had an interest in Aimee since college. I heard the NPR segment about the production and they aired some of the music. The person playing the lead is a pretty good singer but I thought the music was shit.
        Now we just need a musical about Katherine Kuhlman.

        1. Geminisunmars

          I heard that too. That Kathie Lee has held Aimee as a role model says all I need to know about her (either her).

          1. Butch_Wagstaff

            In the segment, Kathie Lee said that if you are a person of faith, you're considered a fool or a fraud. She said she found that type of thinking as offensive as hating gay people or being racist.

            Um, Kathie….hon. Bless your heart but your beliefs are a CHOICE. It's not the same thing.
            Also, fucking Anita Bryant was best buds with Kathie Lee and was her pageant sponsor.
            That also tells you all you need to know about Kathie Lee.

    1. billy_reuben

      I would have gone with "Spanish influenza". 75,000,000 fatalities without even trying is nothing to sneeze at… as it were.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Nah, she's a liberal modernist who rejects Bible Truth. She goes straight to hell with Anne Frank and Gandhi.

    2. DustyBowlBlues

      Are you fucking kidding? Do you know how much thinking her books stimulate? Thinking, wee jee. I take it you have never known a real Southern Baptist.

    3. Dudleydidwrong

      Armstrong is a great stimulator of thought and question about those things that most people seldom think or question. I'd also recommend Bart Ehrman, "God's Problem: How the Bible Fails to Answer Our Most Important Question–Why we suffer"

  23. snowpointsecret

    Why would I ever use Jesus as my moral compass? The asshole literally stole my birthday when he was really born in Spring, why the hell would I trust him when it comes to morals?

          1. snowpointsecret

            OH I GET IT. Sorry, I really need to not get on Wonkette until I really wake up… Or anything else for that matter. All right I'll shut up now xD

          2. gullywompr

            Naw mang, I find your posts pithy and insightful. Blather away. And for whatever it's worth, It's well into the afternoon and I'm still in my PJ's and nursing coffee, trying to get my synapses to fire properly. You're in good stead.

    1. Guppy

      when he was really born in Spring

      Depends on what gospel you're reading at the moment; John can be used to argue a December date.

      Why his birthday is in the Roman calendar rather than Hebrew, however, is beyond me.

    1. sullivanst

      I'm not seeing any, although that broken glass looks a little dangerous, someone should probably clean that up.

  24. snowpointsecret

    You know, this whole book is a waste of money, They could have given out a sheet of paper with the phrase "how 'bout dem Cowboys?" and they'd have distributed the same number of facts.

  25. AlterNewt

    OT – But in light of the recent election results, listening to/ watching the "Delicate Sound of Thunder" version of "Dogs of War" yesterday; I was overcome with a profound sense of Schadenfloyde.

      1. gullywompr

        She is the best female vocalist of our time. Best eyes, also too. I could linky all day long.

        What's that? Go ahead and link? Well, OK.

  26. snowpointsecret

    (1) There are absolutes established by God — eternal values that need to be conserved. (This contrasts with the belief of many liberals that everything is relative and constantly changing, leaving man to create his own values.)

    Shorter A Beka Book:


  27. SayItWithWookies

    Needless to say, anyone suggesting that Jesus had any radical ideas about equality, human dignity, or how the poor should be treated is a dangerous agitator who should be reported to the authorities.

    In fact Jesus didn't really have any radical ideas — the Golden Rule was derived from statements in the Old Testament that scholars like Hillel had codified before Jesus into something like "That which is despicable to you, do not do it to your fellow".

    You want radical? Try Ezekiel 18, which says that the son shall not suffer for the iniquities of the father (which used to be punishable for seven generations). This essentially also does away with the idea of Original Sin, which Christians say we are still being punished for. Mention this bit of chapter and verse to most Christians and they'll have no idea what you're talking about.

  28. Noah_Hegemon

    “What phenomenon at the beginning of the 20th century threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization?”

    First it was "modernism", then it was "communism", then "secularism", now it's "liberalism."

    They have been pretty consistent with the "Hellhole of Sin" being buttsex, though.

  29. SheriffRoscoe

    I'm trying to figure out how all this fits into my theory that Jesus was a liberal, (Laws of Moses and whatnot,) but my head won't stop spinning long enough.

  30. OkieDokieDog

    My Sunday would not be complete without reading Doktor Zoom's retelling of the Jeebus Fundies Textbook.

    Thanks, Doktor, for reading this crap cause Dog knows I damn sure wouldn't.

    1. Negropolis

      Yes, but when does it end, because I'm not sure how much more I can take, to be honest. At this point A Beka is basically repeating themselves, and it's also when the answer to everything is "God/Jesus."

  31. proudgrampa

    My gramma was a Bible-and-Book-of-Mormon-thumper who made today's fundamentalists look like liberal pikers. One of her big issues was temperance: she was always afraid of even being near a bar. She always said that they were "hellholes" and people who patronized them were going straight to hell. To her, anything in a can was suspect: she once threw out a case of Coca Cola in our house because she thought it was beer. Boy, was Dad pissed off.

    Seeing the above about the "Hellhole of Sin" brought back some wonderful memories.

    The memories are wonderful because I realize that I am not as crazy as gramma was.

  32. mavenmaven

    It all boils down to this one point in the graphic: "desirable if the standard is good… undesirable if the standard is bad…" and who decides which is which? Just shut up and do what we tell you.

  33. bikerlaureate

    or a “liberal arts” education which “frees a person to think clearly for himself and not to depend on others to do his thinking for him” (as long as he thinks the right things, of course).

    Is that in the original, for reals? The authors were not in favor of depending "on others to do his thinking for him" ?

    One of my frontal lobes just kicked off a soft reboot.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Yeah, they actually say that. Without a single trace of irony. See, a person who thinks clearly will inevitably recognize the perfection of the Bible, and with its guidance will never make any errors .

      And if they DO go off the rails, the Bible is perfect, so clearly it's blameless.

  34. Rotundo_

    This idea that conservatives adhere to a standard must take some interesting twists to achieve. I don't think I could drink enough to believe that there is a standard there: See deficits, when they are bad versus good etc.

  35. christianmuslin

    Do the 'authors of this dribble ever submit to drug testing, or are they really this freakin crazy? George Orwell would be amazed at all of this doublespeak. They conradict themselves on a level equal to the Christian Bible. Oh, never mind.

  36. BlueStateLibel

    I'm sure the U.S. interstate highway system would have been A LOT better if private individuals like Bain Capital had taken over it – a toll every mile, rotted out bridges, with the whole disaster abruptly ending in a cornfield in Idaho most likely.

  37. Wile E. Quixote

    What, you have a naked drunk red-headed chick (and hopefully the carpets match the drapes) passed out face down and ass up on the table and none of these drunken degenerates are taking advantage of her? It must be because they're all liberal homos having teh ghey buttsechs with each other.

  38. cousinitt

    Poor Wendy. Dave started her off with his hot 'n juicy 1/4 pounder, then the Cheddarburger plied her with vodka smoothies and before you know it, her warm, toasted buns were demanding a good seeing to from the BACONATOR®.

    Listen up, kidz: fast food = cheesy sin = liberal = good time ginger = death

  39. jello_mold

    That book jacket was the party I didn't go to last night.

    Instead I hung with a bunch of married people. Married people are very nice.

  40. CommieDad

    I am very confused. I do not believe in moral relativism, no more than I believe in mathematical relativism. But this same moral compass that God* has given me has led me to believe that humans are all in this together. This means we need to work together for the common good. Government is one tool to do this. Government should not just set regulations (such as how fast to drive), but also provide services that are essential (such as health care, disaster assistance, physical security, and dispute resolution). I am a liberal because I believe that it is the moral choice in our current political environment.

    *God can be short hand for evolution, chance, FSM, etc.

  41. GeneralLerong

    So, when your kid goes to your charter school and then, thanks to A Beka Books, fails the standard exam for basic information deemed to be necessary to be a functioning member of our society…does the school get its taxpayer money jerked?

    How I'd love to see the sad, sad faces realizing that their precious vouchers cannot be used any longer at their fave kiddie indoctrination prison.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Youtube is a wonderful thing. For the hell of it, I searched that title + "ponies" (of course). I started out here, but quickly arrived here. And here.

      Stop staring at me like that.

      1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        I enjoyed those, the first one especially. The last one links back to here! The calls are coming from inside the house!

  42. SexySmurf

    OT Anybody else going to watch Liz & Dick on Lifetime, tonight? The early reviews make it sound like a biggest disaster than I hoped it would be. I can't wait.

        1. Negropolis

          I have a feeling that after Disney gets through with the franchize, the holiday special will be appreciated as strict canon. Can't say I'm surprised, though. I mean George did stick Jar Jar Binks in the prequels, which is literally a step away from Disney's Goofy.

          1. viennawoods13

            It broke my heart when my son told me that, because I so love Greg Proops and so HATE the race guys.

          2. vulpes82

            Eh, I'll be honest, if George Lucas had asked me to be a part of the new Star Wars movie, I'd have done it, too. We all had such hope, then. We were young and innocent and the putrescence of the prequels had not yet sullied our souls. Plus, you know, they cancelled "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" and a comic's gotta eat. I wonder who voiced the other head? I bet he's glad of his incomprehensible alien gibberish-facilitated anonymity nowadays.

          3. viennawoods13

            “The putrescence of the prequels had not yet sullied our souls.”THIS.And it's sad, when you think of how many good actors got wasted in those piles of steaming shit. Hayden Christiansen NOT included.

          4. vulpes82

            They had on Attack of the Clones over the weekend, and watching Hayden Christansen try to emote when he's telling Padme about killing the Sand People was a goddamn laugh riot.

            Also, when you can make Samuel Motherfuckin' Jackson wooden and boring, you have SOME kind of talent. Just not one you should share with the world, GEORGE LUCAS.

          5. HistoriCat

            You mean they're going to turn it into a story about a princess who has issues with her absent father but who confronts evil with the help of some unusual, funky sidekicks?

  43. PubOption

    What is their opinion of ISO 9000. Is it a good standard since American companies like Ford want their suppliers to follow it, or is it bad because it is not uniquely American?

  44. mbobier

    Actually, the teachings of Jesus are anything BUT conservative. They didn't crucify him because he was so good at upholding the status quo.

    1. BadKitty904

      Truly. He was seen as a threat to the status quo and was legally murdered by the conservatives of His day, in order to preserve said status quo.

      Which shows how little has changed in 2,000 years…

  45. GeneralLerong

    When do we get to the sex education chapter? If the same hallucinatory schizy quality holds, it oughta scare the jammies right off even the goons at 4Chan.

    Oh. It's short. A weak lil' appendix.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I really, really, really need to find a fundie sex ed text. Please direct your suggestions or donations to doktorzoom dot wonkette at yahoo dot com.

      1. GeneralLerong

        I wonder if they follow the grand tradition of Catholic sex ed classes, wherein sex is never overtly or frankly discussed. Don't Do It Until You're Married. And Then You'd Better Do It Right [ask PedoPriest for guidance].

        An elderly acquaintance related to me her Catholic-girls'-school roommate at a Catholic college returning from a round-up of the freshmen girls and a lecture from a gynecologist about sex. Roommate had no idea that her own mother would actually have done something like that – let a man put a penis into her – and was quite traumatized by the whole prospect.

      2. BadKitty904

        Aren't they generally hidden in the "health" section of textbook catalogs?

        And I see that our old friends at A Beka Books offer the "Sex, Love, and Romance" series for grades 7-12. Given that the author's name is "Dr. Hugh Pyle" (srsly?), it should be a perfect target for evisceration…

        "The book details God’s plan concerning dating and marriage and the consequences of disobeying His moral commands in these areas. It can be used as part of the physical education, Bible, health, or science curriculum."

        1. Spurning Beer

          Dr. Pyle died in 2010, I just learned, and was pastor of a Baptist church in Pensacola close to Pensacola Christian College, the home of A Beka Books, the publisher of the text we are following.

          Pastor Pyle clearly took his sex education mission very seriously. In addition to authoring 47 books and booklets, "He also served as a staff evangelist for the Sword of the Lord publication."

          1. Doktor Zoom

            Just ordered "God's Design for Sex, Book 4: Facing the Facts: The Truth About Sex and You," There's a 2007 version, but of course ebay's cheapest was the 1995 edition.

  46. vulpes82

    Has any liberal anywhere, ever actually thought or said that society and people can become perfect? It's a GOAL, but not an EXPECTATION!

    1. Negropolis

      I think the irony is that A LOT of Christian denomination's whole program on earth is to make it a reflection of their God's supernatural kingdom. It's what treally throws me off about their criticism of utopianism.

      Utopianism: It ain't just for liberals.

      1. vulpes82

        Yes, but the Christian's know they're damned, dirty, lowly sinners who will never not be worth fucking shit to God, who loves them totally of course, so… it's okay?

  47. Jennyjen798

    Damn that enlightenment period! Just spawning mendacious thinkers like Voltaire, Isaac Newton, and John Locke all over the place, bringing about hell on earth. Especially Locke, that son of a bitch! Who just, you know, inspired our goodly constitution and our founding fathers.


    These people…are sadly, all around me and are | | <— this close to ruining it for the rest of the nation too. Goddammit Texas, are you ever going to pull your head out of your ass? Actually, I already know the answer. It's no.

  48. ButthurtWingers2012

    The problem as I see it in regards to science and evolution is too many people who accept the theory lower themselves to the level of these mad hatters by equating science with belief systems. I used to just let this one go but it really pisses me off when I read someone defending evolution or climate sciences by saying they 'believe' in them…science is a trial, not bible camp. If you accept science it is because you examine the facts in favor of, find the hilarious 'opposing facts' (a wizard did it) and then accept evolution as a fact based upon evidence. A correct way to view science is via factual skepticism: evolution could be at some point invalidated and replaced by an even more accurate scientific theory (not bloody likely, but still), but since evolution has not unraveled every bit of universal existence it is not a universal law and should not be treated via belief. It should be respected by accepting it as a fact…this is sort of O/T but it just pisses me off every time I see a person who accepts science go on teevee and cheapen science by treating it like religion…

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Good point. In other words, we should say, "The data currently seems to indicate xxx." Words of course that will never be found in these textbooks.

  49. poorgradstudent

    I take it then that they never mention Libertarian/Randian/technocrat conservatives, who more often than not sympathize with not just atheists but the anti-theist movement, or, on the other hand, "liberation theology" Christians?

    But maybe I'm being too hasty; you can tell that they're superserious when their definition of liberal boils down to "They reject standards, which is a bad thing, except when it isn't."

  50. Barrelhse

    Somehow I can't shake the funny feeling that maybe Greece and Rome had a lot more influence on Western Civ. than did the fucking Christians.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Hmmm… I don't read her that way at all… I think she's writing from more of a questioning perspective, albeit still faith-y.

      1. fuflans

        yeah that's what i read too.

        she's gonna be commenting here in 6 months. and be a full blown secular humanist in a year.

        mostly, i'm just glad i don't have to wrestle with whether or not anne frank is going to hell.

        jesus christ.

  51. weejee

    Since they are on Sunday morning, obvs the teevee Geritol™ pundit showz have been hijacked.

    Last week if you clicked your remote clickie just right you could hear lamest duck Joe Lieberman, Palestinian phobe Peter King, Princess Lindsey Graham, and cranky 'get off my f*ing lawn Walnutz McCain. And guess what you could do this week, too, also. The same tired, olde, farting douchnoodles to liven our morning between Cialis™ and Depends™ ads.

    Thank doG we have the Dok to turn to instead. And the intertubes as well.

  52. Spurning Beer

    The publisher of this text is owned by or affiliated with Pensacola Christian College, which is a half mile from my second job. It was founded 60 years ago by graduates of Bob Jones University. Students at PCC are protected from the rampant liberalism that currently prevails in Pensacola. Per Wikipedia:

    Physical contact between members of the opposite sex is only permitted under very limited circumstances. Written permission of the dean’s office must be procured for all off-campus meetings between members of the opposite sex. In addition, all mixed-gender meetings (on and off-campus), must have a PCC chaperone present. Most stairwells and elevators on campus are segregated by gender. In the absence of being able to have physical contact, a fad has developed among dating students on campus where couples stare deeply into each other’s eyes. This practice by students is variously called "eye kissing", or "optical intercourse" and is jokingly called "making eye babies."

    (emphasis added)

    They are also forbidden from attending movie theaters.

    1. BadKitty904

      A chum of mine's cousin goes to a fundie college down in Tampa. Students who want to get around the schools' PDA ("public display of affection") rules put an open hymnal on the pew during chapel, then hold hands under it.

      Love will find a way… ;0)

  53. Sharkey

    (1) There are absolutes established by g-d…

    If you would just tell us what they are, we could stop arguing.

    Also, just go away afterwards.

    1. ButthurtWingers2012

      The absolutes are whatever conservatism holds up as being correct at any one time. What I find so disturbing about these douches is they have their heads so far up Bush's asshole they can taste the beef jerky and pretzels he just consumed. This sort of political-religious cross-breeding is not something new for the US but the myopic degree it occupies is new. This will seem hyperbolic but these assholes remind me of the "German Christian Church" which combined national socialist and religious dogma so that in their eyes it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began. Capitalism by the way, is not religious aside from worshipping wealth…that they put socialism, communism, in anti-religious positions but omit capitalism shows just how much they ARE like the German Christian Church….

  54. Mahousu

    I assume the book cover up there is a subtle hint for those wondering what's happened to Newell.

    He's actually looking better than I expected.

  55. DahBoner

    Ass fucking was well established over in Greece, long before the 20th century.

    GO SPARTANS (the ass fuckers, not the Michigan State team)

  56. Negropolis

    I don't think liberalism assumes much anything of the morality of man one way or the other. I think the authors are thinking of humanism.

  57. BloviateMe

    As vulpes opined earlier on the thread, it is bizarre to associate libs with any attempt at perfection. I don't remember that part in my indoctrination.

    However, after reading ol' Benny Franklin's autobiography, he has to be regarded as a one man Tower of Babel.

  58. uncle_betty

    Of course Anne Frank is in hell, as is my mother and eventually Wonkette and me, because God is love.


    phenomenon at the beginning of the 20th century threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization?

    Om, glad you said Liberalism, I thought you had Egon Schiele in mind.

  60. lulzmonger

    "Hellhole Of Sin" = she wants it up her p00pyhole?

    Dumbing down what little kids get taught?
    Shit sure seems plenty diabolical to me.

  61. Troubledog

    “What phenomenon at the beginning of the 20th century threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization?”

    Institutionalized mendacity.

    1. BadKitty904

      An American journalist to Mahatma Gandhi: "What do you think of Western Civilization?"

      Gandhi: "I think it could be a good idea."

      1. sullivanst

        Also relevant: "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. The materialism of affluent Christian countries appears to contradict the claims of Jesus Christ that says it's not possible to worship both Mammon and God at the same time."

  62. sullivanst

    Man’s sinful nature makes it impossible to perfect society (either through legislation, education, the arts, or any other means). Any attempt to impose a “perfect” system on mankind leads only to misery and despair. Man cannot solve every social problem.

    We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union

    Butbutbut I thought the Founding Fathers were really the Fundie Fathers, and the Constitution was really just a transcription of Deuteronomy and Leviticus. Now I just don't know what to believe!

    Also too, seriously, WTF? Believing women should make their own choices about their own bodies = tyranny; imposing a literal reading of the Bible over every aspect of everyone's life = freedom? On what fucking planet? We must tyrannize the people to keep them free from tyranny! Not only is freedom slavery, but slavery is also freedom!

    1. BadKitty904

      I've quoted it before and I'll quote it again:

      "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."

      ~C. S. Lewis

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        Somehow I was born without the Tell Other People How To Live Their Lives gene.

        It's not lost though. Some right winger's got an extra one.

      2. sullivanst

        Considering the source, that's a little ironic.

        If he'd pointed out that robber barons usually get overthrown quicker, he might have had a point. But to imagine the robber baron feels a pang of conscience ever is even more fantastical than Narnia.

  63. drbill0620

    No time for discussion children. Let's move on to World Geography and talk about the fabulous flat world of ours.

    Yes, Jeremiah, it's true – if you sail to close to the edge, you will fall off. But, no, you don't fall into hell – the good news – you become an instant angel – so there are still rewards to be had….

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