Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook To Rescue Your Homeschooled Child From The Modern Age

by Doktor Zoom

Inevitable results of the liberal outlookPop quiz, everyone! It’s a review question from Chapter 24 of our 10th-grade Christianist textbook, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective:

“What phenomenon at the beginning of the 20th century threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization?”

OK, pencils down! Anyone care to share your answer?

No, it is not “buttsex,” and for that you can stay after class and muck out the Pony stalls.

The correct answer, of course, is “Liberalism.” We will give partial credit for “Marxism,” because same difference.

We get a little lesson on the meaning of “liberal,” including this buggy entomology: “The word liberal comes from a Latin word which means ‘free’” (The book doesn’t tell us which Latin word, because that might lead to Popery). We learn that some desires for freedom are good, such as free markets or a “liberal arts” education which “frees a person to think clearly for himself and not to depend on others to do his thinking for him” (as long as he thinks the right things, of course).

Modern liberalism, however, is the desire to be free from absolute standards and morals, especially those of the Scriptures. Beginning with the un-Biblical idea that man is basically good, liberalism challenges such basic assumptions as the existence of absolute truth, objective knowledge, and a universally binding morality.

Needless to say, the book’s later section on the Holocaust does not mention Anne Frank or her un-Biblical belief that “in spite of everything…people are truly good at heart,” because questions about whether Anne Frank is in Hell make many Christians uncomfortable. (OK, probably not these guys; they’d confidently say that’s the current location of most people who’ve ever lived, duh.) So what evils flow from thinking that people are good and are not bound by the universal morality of Christian publishers in Pensacola, FL?

Modern liberalism usually equates itself with the desire to free man from authority order, restraint, and responsibility; in practice, however, liberalism usually leads to the imposed restraints of government control over many aspects of life, resulting in the transfer of responsibility from the individual to the state. Instead of freedom, liberalism ends in slavery first to man’s unbridled passions (anarchy) and eventually to an all powerful, totalitarian state.

We get the sense that these guys are, like the Paul Reiser character in Diner, not entirely comfortable with nuance.* In case anyone missed the point in earlier chapters, we learn that Freedom is in fact Slavery:**

Indeed, the same ideas of unbelief and revolution (i.e. — the Enlightenment, German philosophy etc.) that gave rise to Communism, socialism, and other false philosophies also spawned modern liberalism. All ideas have consequences, and modern liberalism has had many tragic consequences — war, tyranny despair — for mankind.

Hyperbole in the defense of Western Culture is no vice. So, in contrast to this bleak, life-destroying idea, we have good wholesome American guts and decent church-going conservatives (with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces):

American and other Western conservatives believe there are eternal values that need to be preserved in human thought and action; they also seek to preserve the ]udeo-Christian heritage that has made Western civilization great.

OK, but Anne Frank is still in Hell. She was put there by liberals.

Western conservatism emphasizes the following principles:

(1) There are absolutes established by God — eternal values that need to be conserved. (This contrasts with the belief of many liberals that everything is relative and constantly changing, leaving man to create his own values.)
(2) There is more to life than this present physical world. Any idea that does not take the spiritual and eternal into consideration is limited and unrealistic.

Angels and miracles: Absolutely real. Natural selection: A fairy tale. As usual, we’d like to see these guys take a pledge to abstain from any medical interventions developed with knowledge based in evolutionary theory…

(3) Because of man’s fallen nature, there is a necessity for governmental authority (law) and for the order, responsibilities, and restraints of such traditional institutions as family, church, and community. And although government is important and necessary, government alone cannot provide for man’s needs.
(4) Because of the realities of human nature, people will be happier and more productive if they maintain private responsibility for their own property, families, and futures. If government controls these things, the result will be poverty and tyranny.

Government helping to feed people is slavery. Government oversight of uteruses and what people are allowed to do with their genitals is, of course, only common sense.

(5) Man’s sinful nature makes it impossible to perfect society (either through legislation, education, the arts, or any other means). Any attempt to impose a “perfect” system on mankind leads only to misery and despair. Man cannot solve every social problem.

Keeping sluts in line and making sure that no child ever finds a bad word in a library book, however, is admirable. Come to think of it, libraries are socialist. You only need one book, anyway.

(6) Because people differ from one another in many ways, any artificial attempt at creating and imposing “equality” upon society will lead to discontent and eventual dictatorship.

Our negroes were perfectly happy before all those outside agitators showed up and started stirring up trouble.

(7) For humanity to survive and prosper, the truths from the past must be transmitted to each generation (education), providing a foundation for facing present problems and setting a course for the future.

But not at taxpayer expense.

In case there were any questions, the authors include a perfectly clear and understandable graphic aid (which for some reason is missing in the more recent 3rd edition of the text):

Arrows? Why arrows? Who drew this thing?

We honestly have no idea what those arrows are supposed to indicate. Or the fact that they’re angled in the second instance. We may need to go lie down now. By way of summation, this section closes with a reminder that

Of course, the most powerful conservative force through the ages has been the Bible, which contains God’s revelation of Himself, the universe, man, morality and the conflict between good and evil.

Especially that Parable of the Talents? That’s some parable, that Parable of the Talents! Also, the parts about stoning homosexuals are pretty good. Needless to say, anyone suggesting that Jesus had any radical ideas about equality, human dignity, or how the poor should be treated is a dangerous agitator who should be reported to the authorities. The Sermon on the Mount is especially suspect.

*Comments on video disabled, possibly because the uploader found that easier than correcting his description of Barry Levinson’s movie as a “1982 Robert Altman film.” Goddamn troll.
**Yes, of course they later claim George Orwell, the socialist, as a conservative writer, since he “graphically portrayed the horrors of the totalitarian state.” Ugh, these people.

Next Week: More dangerous liberals of the 20th Century, like Sigmund Freud, Bertrand Russell, John Dewey, and…Kierkegaard and Nietzsche?

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if you would like 140 characters of the finest nuance around, Doktor Zoom is on Twitter too.

 

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{ 478 comments }

Blueb4sinrise November 25, 2012 at 11:05 am

Jass Musick?

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 11:06 am

So, basically, "Secular Humanism Gonna Get Yo' Mama"…

Steverino247 November 25, 2012 at 11:09 am

My guitar wants to kill your mama!

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 11:40 am

I'm a slave to the groove.

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 9:34 pm

One nation under a groove or die!

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Whoa, are you making some kind of a reacharound to ButtSecular Sex?

Pat_Pending November 25, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Where do the Mammynuns fit into all of this?

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 10:59 am

INBED!”~

sbj1964 November 25, 2012 at 11:08 am

In the context of human history there has been well over 10,000 gods throughout .When a person of faith can answer why they don't believe in the other 9,999 Plus other gods just tell them that is why I don't believe in yours.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 25, 2012 at 3:17 pm

But the other 9,999 weren't "real" gods (Actual argument from actual bibblethumper.)

sbj1964 November 25, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Exactly.If those gods are not real than why would anyone think your god is real?(Actual response from an actual Atheist.)Thank you BzB.

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Because Bibble and Jeebus! Ha, I win, Librul!

WTE November 26, 2012 at 8:40 am

If you believe in God, you have chosen to reject Allah, Vishnu, Budda, Waheguru and all of the thousands of other gods that other people worship today. It is quite likely that you rejected these other gods without ever looking into their religions or reading their books. You simply absorbed the dominant faith in your home or in the society you grew up in.

In the same way, the followers of all these other religions have chosen to reject God. You think their gods are imaginary, and they think your God is imaginary.

In other words, each religious person on earth today arbitrarily rejects thousands of gods as imaginary, many of which he/she has never even heard of, and arbitrarily chooses to "believe" in one of them

sullivanst November 26, 2012 at 8:55 am

Spoiler alert: Allah and God are one and the same, they're both the dudes that set fire to Moses' bush and told the Jews to stone the gays and anyone who eats shellfish.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 10:59 am

INBED!”~

memzilla November 25, 2012 at 11:08 am

So, being free to do what I want to do means I am not free, because I am a slave to my desire to do what I want to do? Hmm. I need better union representation.

mormos November 25, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Or buddhism

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Om. OmManeGautama=OMG.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 10:59 am

INBED!”~

AlterNewt November 25, 2012 at 11:10 am

Equality of opportunity, good or bad? Discuss…
TIME'S UP!

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:00 am

INBED!”~

Steverino247 November 25, 2012 at 11:10 am

"Man cannot solve every social problem."

Especially those social problems caused by the widespread belief among Christians that you should beat children and stunt their intellectual development with the fables of Bronze Age nomadic shepherds.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 11:15 am

"Man can damn well try."

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

If not man, then who? Oh right… God. But not if we deny him, right? So then, it's up to man again? Man, God, man, God…. that's some fucking Mobius Strip shit right there.

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Escher Möbius stairway buttsechs.

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm

The beatings will continue until their grade improve, or Child Protective Services takes them away, a win-win either way.

NellCote71 November 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

. . . fables of Bronze Age nomadic shepherds. I am so stealing that.

miss_grundy November 25, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Or that it is a good thing to have an ex-Hitler Youth be in charge of the Roman Catholic church.

YasserArraFeck November 26, 2012 at 10:56 am

Absolutely – 'cos if the Roman Catholic trains don't run on time, we're all fucked

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Plus, since "man cannot solve every social problem" that means that they shouldn't try to solve any, at all.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Bingo!

Negropolis November 26, 2012 at 2:02 am

How convenient, huh?

miss_grundy November 26, 2012 at 9:08 am

Wasn't that the 2012 Republican platform?

HistoriCat November 26, 2012 at 9:50 am

"Vote for us – we're useless!" I can't believe that wasn't a surefire winner.

HogeyeGrex November 25, 2012 at 11:03 pm

So we might as well make them all much worse. That we can do.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:00 am

INBED!”~

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:11 am

Nice to see the Talmud didn't even rank on their "standards" chart. Guess Muslims are better than Jews in their opinion?

Guppy November 25, 2012 at 11:42 am

Paul was a liberal when it came to the Torah.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:01 pm

They're Judeo-Christians. The best Jews simply recognize that Jesus is the Messiah.

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Yeah, I figured they just got lumped in with that, and the Koran shows up there probably as an example of “false” religions? Why not throw in the Book of Mormon too?

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

It's a small chart that had to fit at the bottom of a page. "All the wrong varieties of Christianity," of course, are indicated by the bendy arrows.

NellCote71 November 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

That chart really bothers me. It makes no sense at all.

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm

N.B., the Jews got top billing in that match-up.

bikerlaureate November 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Maybe it's too fluid to be considered a standard, what with all of those scholars still decoding it and all.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 25, 2012 at 8:05 pm

It's more like suggestions, anyhow.

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:12 am

I love that mindset where the oppressors feel oppressed. Too bad self awareness doesn't go along with it.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 11:16 am

Well, they have to justify their behavior (if only to themselves) somehow…

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:01 am

INBED!”~

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

No one is a better master of lying to one's self backwards than the American right wing.

ButthurtWingers2012 November 25, 2012 at 6:28 pm

True…like when a state such as Alabama passes a series of Draconian laws because they say the bibble says so and then they flip out and scream about "religious oppression" when one of their douchebag klan-lite judges can't plop a huge, garish 10 commandments monument inside a state building? I know…these assholes really bother me…not because they're psycho that actually makes them humorous. But because they INSIST this country is supposed to conform to a very specific version of right wing evangelism and manage to pass laws enacting portions of it to inflict on an unsuspecting populace and then they whine about oppression when they don't get their way. If they could just leave other people the fuck alone then their wierd snake handling, delusional jabbering and pathological "god speaks to me directly' lunacy would be hilarious rather than disturbing. Oh and the "do as I say not as I do" hypocrisy of the hyper devout on the religious right is purely nauseating…

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:00 am

INBED!”~

UW8316154 November 25, 2012 at 11:13 am

I see you snuck into my house and snapped a picture of the Day After Thanksgiving.

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:21 am

Now I know why Instagram hit an all time high. Nice ass, BTW.

PsycWench November 25, 2012 at 11:30 am

Nah, that's the faculty at my college the day after all the students have left.

NellCote71 November 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

True dat. I work at a university, too, one where the student senate voted to support the right to carry concealed hand-gun s on campus. I don't have to worry about going to hell. I am already there.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:01 am

INBED!”~

sudsmckenzie November 25, 2012 at 11:13 am

When does Sunday with the Atheist's start?

Loch_Nessosaur November 25, 2012 at 11:37 am

11:00 AM NOVEMBER 25, 2012

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

In the dictionary, it's just a few pages after "Someday with the Atheists".

sbj1964 November 25, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Here at the Wonk that would be Monday-Sunday 9am-5pm except on Holidays that encourage alcoholic consumption.The staff gets kind of saucy,and you get phoned in Posts about Sarah Palin.The 12 step program at the Wonkette consists of how many steps it takes to get from they're car to the bar.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:00 am

INBED!”~

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:14 am

"Unless we conform, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free"- Frank Burns

Geminisunmars November 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I never appreciated Frank Burns as the towering thinker that he was until I watched the Republican Presidential Primary Debates.

memzilla November 25, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I just realized that Franks Burns could make passable claim to being the bastard son of Montgomery Burns.

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:26 pm

And Homer Simpson.

HogeyeGrex November 25, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Frank Burns eats worms.

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Oh, Pierce and McIntyre, they think they're really smart/I'd like to take a scalpel, and stab 'em in the heart!

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 11:14 am

And here I thought fluoridation was the phenomenon that threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization. Just how many bugaboos do the Neo-cons have to keep the ignorant frightened and in line?

Pick two or three fake "threats" and stick with 'em, you people. I'm getting confused…

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:20 am

Fluoridation may destroy the roots of civilization, but it strengthens the enamel. You can't have everything.

memzilla November 25, 2012 at 11:22 am

I can find no dentin your reasoning.

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:32 am

What I say is no pulp fiction.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm

To prevent sexual deviance, fundamentalists have their children's bicuspids pulled at an early age.

PubOption November 25, 2012 at 11:36 am

The Fundies want people to have cavities between the ears, so why not in the teeth as well?

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:43 am

If you're suggesting that in their quest to prevent moral decay, they have become the agent for intellectual decay, I'm suggesting that I agree with you.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm

DRILL, BABY, DRILL

Geminisunmars November 25, 2012 at 1:49 pm

So you are saying they have confused it with molar decay?

Loch_Nessosaur November 25, 2012 at 11:18 am

Hell Hole of Sin – An Original Bedside Book

So what is this, a how to?

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

The picture should have "serving suggestion" on it like the pictures on ceral boxes where the product is in a bowl of milk adorned with strawberries, bananas and blueberries.

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Would a Carmen Miranda hat suffice?

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Either that or Hellhole of Sin – An Unoriginal Bathroom Book

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Butthole of Sin?

HogeyeGrex November 25, 2012 at 11:10 pm

My memoirs of a happier time?

*sigh*

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:01 am

INBED!”~

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:18 am

Liberalism leads to "anarchy…and then to a totalitarian state"? Totalitarian anarchy…I like it!

YouFail4eva November 25, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Up is down, black is white, and ignorance is knowledge! Bring on the LSD and let's make this a world to forget!

bikerlaureate November 25, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Whenever the rabble object to The Way Things Are, it can only end in totalitarianism (which is not at all like how the Tribes of Israel were run).

HogeyeGrex November 25, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Nobody has ever accused these people of logical consistency.

Except maybe the logical consistency of applesauce.

PsycWench November 25, 2012 at 11:20 am

I guess this is what conservatives mean when they say that freedom isn't free?

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:33 am

I just wish freedom wasn't dumb, either. Alas…

PubOption November 25, 2012 at 11:37 am

Does that make Kris Kristofferson a liberal or a conservative?

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:56 am

Yes.

YouFail4eva November 25, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Also, Too.

Toomush_Infer November 25, 2012 at 3:07 pm

And Truth isn't true….your turn…

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Temperance is shitfaced.

Low_Budget_Dave November 26, 2012 at 2:33 am

…and paying your taxes is an attempt to avoid responsibility.

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 9:42 pm

I guess the cost is selling your mind away piece by piece, and eventually you get to purchase the "prize" of sheer paranoid insanity…err…The Word or whatever the hell they want to call it.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:01 am

INBED!”~

memzilla November 25, 2012 at 11:21 am

Actually, the most shocking thing in this whole post is the discovery that no one has claimed the domain name hellholeofsin.com.

Loch_Nessosaur November 25, 2012 at 11:35 am

liesstraightfromthepitofhell.com is also still available. Tempted, very tempted.

shelwood46 November 25, 2012 at 11:58 am

hellholeofsin.gov is taken, of course.

NellCote71 November 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

And hellholeofsin.edu, too. Also.

HistoriCat November 26, 2012 at 9:53 am

That sounds like fun – do they have a part time program?

VodkaGoGo November 25, 2012 at 11:21 am

Ah, so all it takes to be a good liberal is to reject things conservatives don't like. That makes sense, it's just like being Joe Lieberman. "Even the liberal Joe Lieberman thinks government healthcare is dangerous"

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:02 am

INBED!”~

BeccaBlast November 25, 2012 at 11:21 am

I am always amused that these fools neglect that the majority of laws in the Old Testament and the New are as to how the Nation of Israel is to treat the poor and less fortunate in their midst.

G*d does not tell the prophets to say, "Hear, O those of you in Israel who have excess income and the convenience to do so" — the orders are "Hear, O Israel — this is what you will do if you will be My People."

We fail the test of being a Godly nation not because someone somewhere might be having buttsex; we fail it because we have ignored every law G*d gave us as to how to behave towards other people.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Ah, but you see, all those rules apply only to individuals, not governments. If a gummint feeds the hungry or cares for the sick, that magically transmutes it into slavery.

Sure, God, who tended to be awfully specific about distinctions between clean and unclean animals, didn't actually make that distinction, but it's just so obvious that He meant that.

BeccaBlast November 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

It must be my silly girl brain that keeps fixating on that "governments derive their powers from the governed" idea. *giggle flirt wink*

I bet every one of the idiots who love these books believe in the totally ungodly precept of American Exceptionalism, too (nice to know that spell-check thinks that's a typo that needs correcting). As She makes pretty clear in Her scriptures, even if we are the best thing in humanity, that makes us the shiniest… effluent in the dung heap.

Yay, us!

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:34 pm

silly girl brain

Here, have a kitten. It's so soft and furry.

Pennywhistler November 25, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Well, since you mention it, most of the "rules" in the Hebrew Scriptures are for priests, judges, armies, the entire nation, prophets, families, AS WELL AS individuals.

HogeyeGrex November 25, 2012 at 11:20 pm

I do seem to remember something about a nation or two being all smited like wholsale for being ungodly and whatnot.

Pennywhistler November 26, 2012 at 9:19 am

Your memory has failed you. No nations in Hebrew Scriptures were smited like wholesale for being ungodly and whatnot.

And what that has to do with the "rules" applying to individuals and classes along with governments is beyond me.

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 9:46 pm

We fail the test of being a Godly nation not because someone somewhere might be having buttsex; we fail it because we have ignored every law G*d gave us as to how to behave towards other people.

Oh, there are plenty of laws that they adhere to, religiously, as to how to behave towards other people. Perhaps they are just the ones you don't like. And, that's kind of the problem with religion, in general; anyone can claim to be adhearing to the laws…and most of the time, both who claim such a thing or correct.

ManchuCandidate November 25, 2012 at 11:23 am

"THOU SHALT NOT KILL."

Absolute unless it is non white (read US Amercians)… or liebruls… or atheists… or fellow Xtian nutjobs who don't agree with us.

This contrasts with the belief of many liberals that everything is relative and constantly changing, leaving man to create his own values

Um… okay.

soeoho November 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I believe the 2nd amendment was to overrule that commandment. So let it be written…So let it be undone!

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:34 pm

An unregulated morass being necessary to the ignorance of a free corporate State, the right of the proper people to keep, bear, and use arms against liberals shall not be infringed, too also.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

INBED!”~

PsycWench November 25, 2012 at 11:23 am

There are absolutes established by God — eternal values that need to be conserved.
Which is why no conservative woman today ever cuts her hair, wears pants, works outside the home or runs for political office.

Both Sides Do It November 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Truly, we live in fallen times

The gas station down the block has six flavors of Icee. God's retribution cannot be far behind.

FlownOver November 25, 2012 at 12:59 pm

When they hit fifty there's a book deal awaiting.

Both Sides Do It November 25, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"Fifty Shades of Neon Sugar Ice"

erotic Comic Book Guy fan fiction

mormos November 25, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Exactly! Welcome to the compound sister wife.

Radiotherapy November 25, 2012 at 11:23 am

Psst, don't tell them that the Constitution was a liberal document.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

INBED!”~

memzilla November 25, 2012 at 11:29 am

Say, you know who else used a book to claim that leftist values were bad… ?

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:36 am

The Boy Scouts?

Stevola November 25, 2012 at 11:44 am

Glenn Beck?

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 11:46 am

God?

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 11:47 am

Henry Ford?

MosesInvests November 25, 2012 at 2:27 pm

FTW

ifthethunderdontgetya November 25, 2012 at 11:47 am
trampndirtdown November 25, 2012 at 11:58 am

Newt Gingrich?

not that Dewey November 25, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Amy Vanderbilt?

Mittens Howell, III November 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Sarah Palin's ghost writer?

YouFail4eva November 25, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Karl Marx? Ooh, I always get this one wrong!

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm
kittensdontlie November 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Trader Joe?

Dashboard Buddha November 25, 2012 at 1:47 pm

2 Buck Chuck?

kittensdontlie November 25, 2012 at 1:59 pm

If a chuck’s a chuck, then…
why a Buck??

Dashboard Buddha November 25, 2012 at 2:37 pm

how much chuck could a wonkette suck
if chuck per bottle cost 2 bucks?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Shaw_wine

snowpointsecret November 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm

The Right Twix factory in that hilarious commercial?

FlownOver November 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

That guy who wrote No Apologies? Sorry – the name escapes me just now.

AlterNewt November 25, 2012 at 1:15 pm

John Locke?

finallyhappy November 25, 2012 at 4:18 pm

well, his new show failed- or did you mean the other guy?

bikerlaureate November 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Ursula LeGuin?

(Oh, wait, that would be left hand values…)

Chichikovovich November 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm
Mumbletypeg November 25, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Anyone who campaigned against three of our last 4 U.S. Presidents?

HogeyeGrex November 26, 2012 at 12:00 am

Ron Paul?

Defeatably_Joe November 25, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Paul Ryan's pope, Ayn Rand?

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Jonah Goldberg?

Barrelhse November 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Abbie Hoffman?

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:36 pm

M-m-m-mein Sharona?

VodkaGoGo November 25, 2012 at 11:29 am

Sorry OT: I was just watching Face the Nation and someone on the panel was doing card tricks for Bob Scheifer and he was giggling like a schoolgirl. Gotta love the very serious people on the Sunday bobble head shows, they're a treasure providing a sacred service to the American people!

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:39 am

Nothing wrong with showing you have a sense of humor from time to time. I respect those who do more than those who don't. Lighten up, Francis.

VodkaGoGo November 25, 2012 at 11:41 am

But it's Scheifer, I can't resist!

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:43 am

OK. I can't argue with that.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:08 pm
ttommyunger November 25, 2012 at 12:11 pm

That's what you get for watching that drivel. I tweeted Ten Good Reasons to Avoid Today's Suday Gas Bag Shows. Here they are for your enjoyment: Lindsey Graham, Joe Klein, Peggy Noonan, Peter King, Carley Fiornia, Jon Kyle, Kay Bailey Hutchison, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, and Liz Cheney. BTW, if I want a good chuckle, I'll watch Fox and Fiends.

YouFail4eva November 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Dear God, That's like a suicide cocktail of utter despair.

ttommyunger November 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Just reading those names is enough to ruin one's day…..sorry.

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

DoucheBagsЯus has Bobblehead dolls of everyone on that list at 50% off in their Post-Black Friday but Pre-Black Monday sale.

ttommyunger November 25, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I want two of each, for target practice; with votes!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Hard to “Fire for effect” when you're shooting votes, or blanks too.

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Was Dame Peggington shuffling and dealing cards with her hoo-ha again?

Wile E. Quixote November 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I'll always treasure that episode of Press the Meat where she'd had too much gin to drink, tried to show David Gregory how she could still launch a ping-pong across the room from her hoo-ha but ended up losing sphincter control and shitting all over him.

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 3:07 pm

A king-sized gin-soaked lady dump comin' at ya, Gregory!

(still laughing–thanks for that)

Toomush_Infer November 25, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Forthoops….

Vecchiojohn November 25, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Talk about your hellholes of sin.

HogeyeGrex November 26, 2012 at 12:12 am

The Aristocrats!

finallyhappy November 25, 2012 at 4:20 pm

on TWOP- someone calls the hoo-ha -a coochiepop.

ManchuCandidate November 25, 2012 at 11:29 am

"Keep yourselves from idols – Avoid the idolatry of the heathens; not only have no false gods, but have the true God."

Explain Tebow, Xtian wingnuts.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 11:30 am

And *W*H*Y*, pray, is the person (man? woman?) passed out nekkid on the table, amidst the alcoholic carnage, a REDHEAD?!?!?!??!

What kind of vile, pro-melanin bigotry is THIS?!

ManchuCandidate November 25, 2012 at 11:33 am

GINGERS HAVE NO SOULS!!

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 11:36 am

The hell we don't. Why, I've got a whole collection of 'em – ask my ex-boyfriends…

PubOption November 25, 2012 at 11:42 am

It shows the evils of alcoholism and popery in one stereotypical image.

memzilla November 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm

No, no. Since redheads have a higher tolerance to anesthesia, the illustration simply means that it was a really good party.

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 2:07 pm

In your search for a cheap drunk to date, never bypass those on the Ginger list.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 2:14 pm

HEY!!! Waddaya MEAN, "cheap"?!?!?!

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 3:28 pm

The word cheap has at least two meanings, if this offended you then I meant one of the other ones.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 3:35 pm

*I was joshin' you, dude ;0)*

HistoriCat November 26, 2012 at 9:58 am

Redhead = naughty sexy times. Rowl. Excuse me – I have to go lay down for a while.

BadKitty904 November 26, 2012 at 10:03 am

Well, yes, o' course, *THAT* part's true. But still…

LibrarianX November 25, 2012 at 11:35 am

How is the chapter "Hitler's Pope" illustrated?

Lucidamente1 November 25, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Pius XII in a thong?

Mittens Howell, III November 25, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Piss Christ.

Wile E. Quixote November 25, 2012 at 2:28 pm

In tasteful black and white by well known Christist and anti-Catholic bigot Jack Chick.

WTE November 26, 2012 at 8:44 am

I love when christians get all butt hurt when you show them how hitler followed the teachings of christ and is teh most famous christian of the 20th century

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

INBED!”~

Jimmyone November 25, 2012 at 11:36 am

Wasn't Anne Frank baptized by Mitt??? I thought she might have a condo on Kolob by now….

YouFail4eva November 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Nah, mang, she was retroactively unbaptized after there were complaints. She was then proactively baptized just to get it over done.

cletar November 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

It's actually Kondo on Kolob.

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 3:10 pm

How's the real estate market doing on Kolob?

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Krashed, after the election.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

INBED!”~

Schmegeg November 25, 2012 at 11:39 am

Is this week's lesson going to be on the final? They really jumped over the moon here.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

INBED!”~

Lucidamente1 November 25, 2012 at 11:39 am

I did not know our Editrix modeled book jackets before taking over teh Wonkette.

weejee November 25, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Is that our current Editrix wearing a ginger wig, or our Foundress Emeritus Ana teh Marie after a wicked night with Butterstick?

Beowoof November 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I wonder if I am the only one that made the wrong relate to Last Tango in Paris. After all buttsechs is huge here at Wonkette.

kittensdontlie November 25, 2012 at 12:49 pm

If your hellhole is full of sin, that's sad.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Between two evils, I generally like to pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Quoth none less than Marlon Brando, "It's better with butter".

Guppy November 26, 2012 at 7:56 am

Ken Layne in drag.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

INBED!”~

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 11:44 am

So.. liberalism leads to anarchy which leads to totalitarianism? Wow.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 11:48 am

I hate when that happens.

Beowoof November 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Philosophy 101, introduction to logic was not in the curriculum.

YouFail4eva November 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

It's almost like the people using the words have no idea what they mean. But that can't be true, right?

christianmuslin November 25, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Sounds more like where the conservative Tea Party wants to lead us with the total lsck of tolerance of opposing views.

Barrelhse November 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm

The Republicans would like to just skip to that last one.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

INBED!”~

glesslib November 25, 2012 at 11:44 am

So, I guess I can pretty much give up my new business plan of selling copies of, "Lies My Teachers Told Me" and "Don't Know Much About History" at Christian home schoolers' conventions?

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Home schooling is where just having a little sex with your teacher has it's own punishment built in when your dad gets home.

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Unless Dad is the teacher.

ifthethunderdontgetya November 25, 2012 at 11:45 am

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if would like 140 characters of the finest nuance around, Doktor Zoom is on Twitter too.

TWITTER is a TOOL of the DEVIL!1!
~

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

INBED!”~

Mumbletypeg November 25, 2012 at 11:45 am

I'll go along with whoever (Pascal?) said about the God-shaped vacuum in man's heart, just for a second.
Why these Xtian posers end up filling that void with mean-eyed scrutiny, suspicion of others' motives in outreach, and curricula hamfisted with ideology that undermines the scripture-embedded mission to serve fellow man — must be the same quandary that characterizes a party that worships Power yet is subscribed to by autotrons unaware how the efforts they're cheerleading feed and strengthen the abuse of that Power.
It isn't really very God-flattering in the end, just a bunch of homophobes who deep down realize you *can't* be all-Godly ALL the time, but rather than admit that, they hang obnoxious pretensions and decoys on their faith like cheap Xmas decorations, never thinking the real hole in their façade still waits to be filled with something showing actual heart.

Radiotherapy November 25, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Looks like Dok mined the gold of the white man's burden with the hellhole of sin. FTW!

Barrelhse November 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Fuckers.

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Or actual dick.

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Spacing between paragraphs, my friend. Spacing.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:58 am

INBED!”~

kittensdontlie November 25, 2012 at 11:50 am

Beginning with the un-Biblical idea that man is basically good.

Yes, God is the Great Giver of Goodness. Let us thank him graciously for the pestilence, flood, famine, drought, disease, and war that he bestows upon us. Amen.

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Yeah. So nice for the bible to tell people they basically suck. That's a real motivator right there.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:10 pm

I burn down your cities, how blind you must be
I take from you your children And you say how blessed are we
You all must be crazy to put your faith in me
That's why I love mankind.

kittensdontlie November 25, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Lord, if you won't take care of us
Won't you please, please let us be?

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:45 pm

If you are going to try my case for me, would you mind not losing it?

Paul Newman, The Verdict.

ericthefredd November 25, 2012 at 4:44 pm

They've also lumped every Buddhist, Hindu and Confucian in with the evil Liberals by dismissing one of their most fundamental precepts.

Guppy November 26, 2012 at 7:58 am

How could you forget about the rape pregnancies?

kittensdontlie November 26, 2012 at 9:26 am

MyGod's sins are multitude.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

INBED!”~

evodevo1 December 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

O Lord, please don't burn us, Don't grill us or toast your flock, Don't put us on a barbecue, Or simmer us in stock, Don't braise us or bake or boil us, Or stir-fry us in a wok. (Meaning of Life)
Thank you Monty Python, for some of the most devastating, tongue-in-cheek satire of religion ever composed …

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 11:51 am

This is my 2500th comment on Wonkette. I can think of no better way to expend it than in support of the War on Christianists. This type of indoctrination is just vile. I feel really sorry for the kids that are forced to read this drivel, and I have nothing but contempt for the parents who force them to. The authors of this book are truly (repeat: truly) despicable, and deserve far more than the scorn and derision we can provide here.

Fuck these people. Exclude them from any discussion of how our planet is managed.

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 11:59 am

Happy 2500th! Are you saying you have no tolerance for intolerance? Interesting…

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I'm totalitarian like that.

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I know how you feel. People are so inflexible. Why can't they see things my way?

bobbert November 25, 2012 at 2:53 pm

So wait, you're an anarchist?

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Not sure what the label is. Suffice it to say that I'm a guy that refuses to set a place at the table for Chistianists, being under no obligation to entertain arguments that have no basis in intelligence. These people are quite simply invalid, and as such have forfeited all rights to inclusion in the management of human affairs. I give them no quarter whatsoever, here and forevermore.

Sorry, on this topic, I'm all out of funny.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Only a shrunken, twisted form of Christianity could dwell in such shrunken, twisted hearts.

"…holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these."
~ II Epistle to Timothy 3:5, NAS

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:10 pm

So say we all.

weejee November 25, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Congrats on 2.5K gully!

/ gives hug & pat on back

Mittens Howell, III November 25, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Congrats on 2,500 free-thinkery comments!

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Well, a large quantity of them were dick jokes, so thinking doesn't have a whole lot to do with it, but thanks.

YouFail4eva November 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Nah, dick jokes take a lot of work to stay fresh and as the kids say "hip". So crack open a cold bud light, oh commenter on Wonkette. Cause we like nothing more than new dick jokes.

HogeyeGrex November 26, 2012 at 5:48 am

A new dick walks into a bar…

Toomush_Infer November 25, 2012 at 3:38 pm

See, the joke is not that these authors are despicable – in their own, homeschooled, Bob Jones educated way, they've tried to make the universe understandable from a smug perspective….it's envisioning their collegiate discussions, their jowl-shaking rhetoric and the Babtist-blasted Sundays of their youth that make these conclusions inevitable and epically preposterous…the only question is: will science prevail against the Idiocracy?…..smart people aren't having children anymore….

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

INBED!”~

Joshua Norton November 25, 2012 at 11:56 am

Stupid things like other people's facts and evidence mean nothing compared to the one true FACT that God believes exactly what I believe. End of story

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

INBED!”~

biraweeyaz November 25, 2012 at 11:59 am

whoa whoa, so a Christian who adheres to the "standard" (the Bible) and who doesn't reject said standard is a conservative? but a Muslim who adheres to (basically the same standard of) the Koran is a liberal? but isn't that some form of moral relativism? which is a liberal idea? #mindblown

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:12 pm

No, they're a conservative, but they're conserving the WRONG THING. So to become a good person, they need to become a liberal to Islam and hew to conservative Christianity.

Which reminds me of the cliche about there being no one more insufferably zealous than a convert…

drstrabismus November 25, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Uh, no. I don't think they are saying that. A Muslim who adheres to the Koranic standard is conservative, but bad. As is a Communist who adheres to the Marxist-Leninist standard. A Commie or a Muslim who did not adhere to the M-L or K. standards, respectively, would be a liberal, but in that case that would be good.

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:49 pm

But when they switched to Christianism, they would be good liberals, until the next switch.

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Yes, because that completely makes sense.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

INBED!”~

Lucidamente1 November 25, 2012 at 12:00 pm

We get a little lesson on the meaning of “liberal,” including this buggy entomology

ISWYDT

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I'd rather have a kickin' lesson in podiatry than have to actually read one of those terrible books.

trampndirtdown November 25, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Mmm Anna Marie Cox fan fiction.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

INBED!”~

Mittens Howell, III November 25, 2012 at 12:08 pm

HEY. I didn't authorize any pictures of my desk for use in your hellhole article.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

INBED!”~

Mittens Howell, III November 25, 2012 at 12:10 pm

"Modern liberalism, however, is the desire to be free from absolute standards and morals, especially those of the Scriptures."

That sentence is remarkably easy to fap to.

YouFail4eva November 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

But I find Scriptures easy to fap too as well! What a conundrum.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Don't be silly. You don't need to use a conundrum when you fap.

ttommyunger November 25, 2012 at 12:14 pm

The concepts of irony, hypocrisy, humor and contradiction simply escape these folk somehow.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

They're funny that way.

ttommyunger November 25, 2012 at 12:22 pm

But not funny Ha, Ha!

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 2:53 pm

funny queer?

ttommyunger November 25, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Prolly

Joshua Norton November 25, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Modern liberalism, however, is the desire to be free from absolute standards and morals, especially those of the Scriptures.

Yeah. Conservatives prefer to cling to happy things like Timothy 6:1:

"All who are under the yoke of slavery should consider their masters worthy of full respect, so that God's name and our teaching may not be slandered."

Good times. Good times.

PubOption November 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm

That sounds like the text for a sermon in Bentonville, Arkansas this morning.

cletar November 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

“What phenomenon at the beginning of the 20th century threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization?”

Oh. I thought the answer was "Germans."

NellCote71 November 25, 2012 at 12:52 pm

I was thinking flappers.

ericthefredd November 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm

My first answer was "Aimee Semple McPherson" : ).

Butch_Wagstaff November 25, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Do you know about this? http://www.theepochtimes.com/n2/arts-entertainmen

Kathie Lee has had an interest in Aimee since college. I heard the NPR segment about the production and they aired some of the music. The person playing the lead is a pretty good singer but I thought the music was shit.
Now we just need a musical about Katherine Kuhlman.

Geminisunmars November 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm

I heard that too. That Kathie Lee has held Aimee as a role model says all I need to know about her (either her).

Butch_Wagstaff November 25, 2012 at 7:22 pm

In the segment, Kathie Lee said that if you are a person of faith, you're considered a fool or a fraud. She said she found that type of thinking as offensive as hating gay people or being racist.

Um, Kathie….hon. Bless your heart but your beliefs are a CHOICE. It's not the same thing.
Also, fucking Anita Bryant was best buds with Kathie Lee and was her pageant sponsor.
That also tells you all you need to know about Kathie Lee.

billy_reuben November 25, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I would have gone with "Spanish influenza". 75,000,000 fatalities without even trying is nothing to sneeze at… as it were.

fuflans November 26, 2012 at 1:00 am

delightful.

Guppy November 26, 2012 at 8:01 am

I was thinking "nationalism" in general, but the irony would be lost upon them.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:04 am

INBED!”~

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Completely OT, and a repost to boot, but totally worth it:

From Jamie Kilstein's twitter yesterday, the Greatest Joke of All Time, told by Norm McDonald.

(original OT post deleted in the interest of conserving valuable bandwidth)

weejee November 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Are there no windshields, are there no windscreens?

AlterNewt November 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

told by Norm McDonald is the key.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

OK, "delivered like the holy sacred thing that it is," then. (No Norm Libel is allowed here)

AlterNewt November 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

He is not of this Earth, is what I'm saying.

Rotundo_ November 25, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Good thing the light is always on here…

weejee November 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Though moar doubtful than Thomas, do the Xtianists also read Karen Armstrong?

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Nah, she's a liberal modernist who rejects Bible Truth. She goes straight to hell with Anne Frank and Gandhi.

Mumbletypeg November 25, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I owe a lot to Amrstrong for helping refine my perspective~

DustyBowlBlues November 25, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Are you fucking kidding? Do you know how much thinking her books stimulate? Thinking, wee jee. I take it you have never known a real Southern Baptist.

Dudleydidwrong November 25, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Armstrong is a great stimulator of thought and question about those things that most people seldom think or question. I'd also recommend Bart Ehrman, "God's Problem: How the Bible Fails to Answer Our Most Important Question–Why we suffer"

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:05 am

INBED!”~

Radiotherapy November 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

BTW Dok, I see what you did there wip that wap web you weaved.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Oh, yes. It is a URL that has been much shared in the Secret Chatcave

snowpointsecret November 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Why would I ever use Jesus as my moral compass? The asshole literally stole my birthday when he was really born in Spring, why the hell would I trust him when it comes to morals?

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Preemptive Happy Birthday, Snow!!! :0)

snowpointsecret November 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

xD Thanks, it's still a month away though? It's actually on Christmas itself.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Hence the "preemptive"… ;0)

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Copycat!

snowpointsecret November 25, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Wait, is yours on the same day too?

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Last week, actually. No, I was talking about some other guy.

snowpointsecret November 25, 2012 at 1:04 pm

OH I GET IT. Sorry, I really need to not get on Wonkette until I really wake up… Or anything else for that matter. All right I'll shut up now xD

Guppy November 26, 2012 at 8:07 am

when he was really born in Spring

Depends on what gospel you're reading at the moment; John can be used to argue a December date.

Why his birthday is in the Roman calendar rather than Hebrew, however, is beyond me.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:05 am

INBED!”~

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

When that "Bedside Book" was first published, did it include a box of the appropriately named but not yet invented "Handy Wipes"? I rest my case, too.

JustPixelz November 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

RE: "The Hellhole of Sin". OK but what is the downside?

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

That'd make a great name for a bar…

sullivanst November 26, 2012 at 8:46 am

I'm not seeing any, although that broken glass looks a little dangerous, someone should probably clean that up.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:05 am

INBED!”~

snowpointsecret November 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

You know, this whole book is a waste of money, They could have given out a sheet of paper with the phrase "how 'bout dem Cowboys?" and they'd have distributed the same number of facts.

AlterNewt November 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

OT – But in light of the recent election results, listening to/ watching the "Delicate Sound of Thunder" version of "Dogs of War" yesterday; I was overcome with a profound sense of Schadenfloyde.

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Mumbletypeg November 25, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Oh I was hoping you meant this message… Had various of the Diva lineup going through my head last week for whatever reason.

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm

She is the best female vocalist of our time. Best eyes, also too. I could linky all day long.

What's that? Go ahead and link? Well, OK.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:21 am

INBED!”~

snowpointsecret November 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

(1) There are absolutes established by God — eternal values that need to be conserved. (This contrasts with the belief of many liberals that everything is relative and constantly changing, leaving man to create his own values.)

Shorter A Beka Book:

(1) STOP THINKING, DAMN IT!

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 3:47 pm

A Beka Book sounds like a line of educational products for pre-schoolers. (so I guess it's appropriately named).

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Needless to say, anyone suggesting that Jesus had any radical ideas about equality, human dignity, or how the poor should be treated is a dangerous agitator who should be reported to the authorities.

In fact Jesus didn't really have any radical ideas — the Golden Rule was derived from statements in the Old Testament that scholars like Hillel had codified before Jesus into something like "That which is despicable to you, do not do it to your fellow".

You want radical? Try Ezekiel 18, which says that the son shall not suffer for the iniquities of the father (which used to be punishable for seven generations). This essentially also does away with the idea of Original Sin, which Christians say we are still being punished for. Mention this bit of chapter and verse to most Christians and they'll have no idea what you're talking about.

Dashboard Buddha November 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Yep…and I bet the fucktards that shot Shazia Ramazan adhere to standards too.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:06 am

INBED!”~

Noah_Hegemon November 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

“What phenomenon at the beginning of the 20th century threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization?”

First it was "modernism", then it was "communism", then "secularism", now it's "liberalism."

They have been pretty consistent with the "Hellhole of Sin" being buttsex, though.

Wile E. Quixote November 25, 2012 at 2:33 pm

They have been pretty consistent with the "Hellhole of Sin" being buttsex, though.

Yeah, what is it with that? Is it because they were molested by an evangelical youth pastor at Bible camp?

Noah_Hegemon November 25, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Chances are fairly high.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:07 am

INBED!”~

SheriffRoscoe November 25, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I'm trying to figure out how all this fits into my theory that Jesus was a liberal, (Laws of Moses and whatnot,) but my head won't stop spinning long enough.

OkieDokieDog November 25, 2012 at 1:34 pm

My Sunday would not be complete without reading Doktor Zoom's retelling of the Jeebus Fundies Textbook.

Thanks, Doktor, for reading this crap cause Dog knows I damn sure wouldn't.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 3:40 pm

And thank YOU for finding my obsession with loonies entertaining!

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Yes, but when does it end, because I'm not sure how much more I can take, to be honest. At this point A Beka is basically repeating themselves, and it's also when the answer to everything is "God/Jesus."

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:07 am

INBED!”~

proudgrampa November 25, 2012 at 1:39 pm

My gramma was a Bible-and-Book-of-Mormon-thumper who made today's fundamentalists look like liberal pikers. One of her big issues was temperance: she was always afraid of even being near a bar. She always said that they were "hellholes" and people who patronized them were going straight to hell. To her, anything in a can was suspect: she once threw out a case of Coca Cola in our house because she thought it was beer. Boy, was Dad pissed off.

Seeing the above about the "Hellhole of Sin" brought back some wonderful memories.

The memories are wonderful because I realize that I am not as crazy as gramma was.

ifthethunderdontgetya November 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm

"The Devil's greatest trick was making us believe God is real."
~

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Just give it some time, no need to hurry there.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Isn't it a pleasant surprise to find evidence that Philip Larkin may have overstated the case?

proudgrampa November 25, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Wow! Truer words never written! Thank you for that, Doktor.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 25, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Cheery old Philip Larkin. Always good for a larf. http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/178058

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:07 am

INBED!”~

mavenmaven November 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm

It all boils down to this one point in the graphic: "desirable if the standard is good… undesirable if the standard is bad…" and who decides which is which? Just shut up and do what we tell you.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:07 am

INBED!”~

bikerlaureate November 25, 2012 at 1:50 pm

or a “liberal arts” education which “frees a person to think clearly for himself and not to depend on others to do his thinking for him” (as long as he thinks the right things, of course).

Is that in the original, for reals? The authors were not in favor of depending "on others to do his thinking for him" ?

One of my frontal lobes just kicked off a soft reboot.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Yeah, they actually say that. Without a single trace of irony. See, a person who thinks clearly will inevitably recognize the perfection of the Bible, and with its guidance will never make any errors .

And if they DO go off the rails, the Bible is perfect, so clearly it's blameless.

Spurning Beer November 25, 2012 at 10:31 pm

The Fundamentalist Lexicon defines "irony" as "the opposite of wrinkly."

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:07 am

INBED!”~

Rotundo_ November 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm

This idea that conservatives adhere to a standard must take some interesting twists to achieve. I don't think I could drink enough to believe that there is a standard there: See deficits, when they are bad versus good etc.

Wile E. Quixote November 25, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Yeah, the standard is called "It's OK If You're A Republican", or IOKIYAR.

Guppy November 26, 2012 at 8:16 am

Deficits? The definition of "usury" keeps getting narrower and narrower with these types.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:08 am

INBED!”~

christianmuslin November 25, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Do the 'authors of this dribble ever submit to drug testing, or are they really this freakin crazy? George Orwell would be amazed at all of this doublespeak. They conradict themselves on a level equal to the Christian Bible. Oh, never mind.

BlueStateLibel November 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I'm sure the U.S. interstate highway system would have been A LOT better if private individuals like Bain Capital had taken over it – a toll every mile, rotted out bridges, with the whole disaster abruptly ending in a cornfield in Idaho most likely.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:08 am

INBED!”~

Wile E. Quixote November 25, 2012 at 2:35 pm

What, you have a naked drunk red-headed chick (and hopefully the carpets match the drapes) passed out face down and ass up on the table and none of these drunken degenerates are taking advantage of her? It must be because they're all liberal homos having teh ghey buttsechs with each other.

cousinitt November 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Poor Wendy. Dave started her off with his hot 'n juicy 1/4 pounder, then the Cheddarburger plied her with vodka smoothies and before you know it, her warm, toasted buns were demanding a good seeing to from the BACONATOR®.

Listen up, kidz: fast food = cheesy sin = liberal = good time ginger = death

jello_mold November 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm

That book jacket was the party I didn't go to last night.

Instead I hung with a bunch of married people. Married people are very nice.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I'd like to say that guy gets around, but how can he? He has no legs.. Must be one of your garden variety 'floating' swingers.

Wile E. Quixote November 25, 2012 at 2:48 pm

And those dastardly liberals just never stop. Look at what they've done to our military.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed

PubOption November 25, 2012 at 3:39 pm

One of those soldiers has a Freddy Mercury mustache, see what repealing DADT has done?

CommieDad November 25, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I am very confused. I do not believe in moral relativism, no more than I believe in mathematical relativism. But this same moral compass that God* has given me has led me to believe that humans are all in this together. This means we need to work together for the common good. Government is one tool to do this. Government should not just set regulations (such as how fast to drive), but also provide services that are essential (such as health care, disaster assistance, physical security, and dispute resolution). I am a liberal because I believe that it is the moral choice in our current political environment.

*God can be short hand for evolution, chance, FSM, etc.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 4:50 pm

See, that's exactly how countries start on the road to gas chambers.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:08 am

INBED!”~

GeneralLerong November 25, 2012 at 2:57 pm

So, when your kid goes to your charter school and then, thanks to A Beka Books, fails the standard exam for basic information deemed to be necessary to be a functioning member of our society…does the school get its taxpayer money jerked?

How I'd love to see the sad, sad faces realizing that their precious vouchers cannot be used any longer at their fave kiddie indoctrination prison.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Nah, then they change the college standards. Assuming they haven't razed them altogether by then.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:08 am

INBED!”~

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 25, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Freedom = Slavery = Freedom = Adherence to Conservative ideology = Freedom = Liberalism = Slavery = Freedom.

Too far out, baby.
Fuck it. "Let's do some stuff and get fucked up." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlKSquIvYX0

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Youtube is a wonderful thing. For the hell of it, I searched that title + "ponies" (of course). I started out here, but quickly arrived here. And here.

Stop staring at me like that.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 25, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I enjoyed those, the first one especially. The last one links back to here! The calls are coming from inside the house!

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Oops! darn incomplete URL. Second try: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUqd68g-npM

Jennyjen798 November 25, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Pony Music Videos! YAY!

SexySmurf November 25, 2012 at 3:45 pm

OT Anybody else going to watch Liz & Dick on Lifetime, tonight? The early reviews make it sound like a biggest disaster than I hoped it would be. I can't wait.

PubOption November 25, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Could it be so bad that it ceases to be unintentionally funny?

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 4:10 pm

See also the Star Wars Holiday Special.

James Michael Curley November 25, 2012 at 4:15 pm

JMC, Jr. has been immersed in something called Treksgiving.

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I have a feeling that after Disney gets through with the franchize, the holiday special will be appreciated as strict canon. Can't say I'm surprised, though. I mean George did stick Jar Jar Binks in the prequels, which is literally a step away from Disney's Goofy.

viennawoods13 November 25, 2012 at 10:43 pm

I have always ranked the race announcers as the lowest of the low.

HistoriCat November 26, 2012 at 10:24 am

You mean they're going to turn it into a story about a princess who has issues with her absent father but who confronts evil with the help of some unusual, funky sidekicks?

viennawoods13 November 25, 2012 at 10:42 pm

That will always rule as the worst ever.

fuflans November 26, 2012 at 1:06 am

can't watch. don't have cable. supposed to be gawdawful.

do tell tomorrow…

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:08 am

INBED!”~

PubOption November 25, 2012 at 3:55 pm

What is their opinion of ISO 9000. Is it a good standard since American companies like Ford want their suppliers to follow it, or is it bad because it is not uniquely American?

Guppy November 26, 2012 at 8:24 am

Hell, what about the metric system? Jesus' Own Constitution seems to like it.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:09 am

INBED!”~

mbobier November 25, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Actually, the teachings of Jesus are anything BUT conservative. They didn't crucify him because he was so good at upholding the status quo.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Truly. He was seen as a threat to the status quo and was legally murdered by the conservatives of His day, in order to preserve said status quo.

Which shows how little has changed in 2,000 years…

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 4:15 pm

OT, but thank you, Mr. Freeman… :0)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/25/morgan-f

GeneralLerong November 25, 2012 at 4:27 pm

When do we get to the sex education chapter? If the same hallucinatory schizy quality holds, it oughta scare the jammies right off even the goons at 4Chan.

Oh. It's short. A weak lil' appendix.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I really, really, really need to find a fundie sex ed text. Please direct your suggestions or donations to doktorzoom dot wonkette at yahoo dot com.

GeneralLerong November 25, 2012 at 5:08 pm

I wonder if they follow the grand tradition of Catholic sex ed classes, wherein sex is never overtly or frankly discussed. Don't Do It Until You're Married. And Then You'd Better Do It Right [ask PedoPriest for guidance].

An elderly acquaintance related to me her Catholic-girls'-school roommate at a Catholic college returning from a round-up of the freshmen girls and a lecture from a gynecologist about sex. Roommate had no idea that her own mother would actually have done something like that – let a man put a penis into her – and was quite traumatized by the whole prospect.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Aren't they generally hidden in the "health" section of textbook catalogs?

And I see that our old friends at A Beka Books offer the "Sex, Love, and Romance" series for grades 7-12. Given that the author's name is "Dr. Hugh Pyle" (srsly?), it should be a perfect target for evisceration…

"The book details God’s plan concerning dating and marriage and the consequences of disobeying His moral commands in these areas. It can be used as part of the physical education, Bible, health, or science curriculum."

Spurning Beer November 25, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Dr. Pyle died in 2010, I just learned, and was pastor of a Baptist church in Pensacola close to Pensacola Christian College, the home of A Beka Books, the publisher of the text we are following.

Pastor Pyle clearly took his sex education mission very seriously. In addition to authoring 47 books and booklets, "He also served as a staff evangelist for the Sword of the Lord publication."

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Just ordered "God's Design for Sex, Book 4: Facing the Facts: The Truth About Sex and You," There's a 2007 version, but of course ebay's cheapest was the 1995 edition.

Guppy November 26, 2012 at 8:35 am

What Lovemaking Means to a Man
What Lovemaking Means to a Woman

Both by Tim "Left Behind" LaHaye.

vulpes82 November 25, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Has any liberal anywhere, ever actually thought or said that society and people can become perfect? It's a GOAL, but not an EXPECTATION!

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I think the irony is that A LOT of Christian denomination's whole program on earth is to make it a reflection of their God's supernatural kingdom. It's what treally throws me off about their criticism of utopianism.

Utopianism: It ain't just for liberals.

vulpes82 November 26, 2012 at 12:09 am

Yes, but the Christian's know they're damned, dirty, lowly sinners who will never not be worth fucking shit to God, who loves them totally of course, so… it's okay?

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:09 am

INBED!”~

Jennyjen798 November 25, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Damn that enlightenment period! Just spawning mendacious thinkers like Voltaire, Isaac Newton, and John Locke all over the place, bringing about hell on earth. Especially Locke, that son of a bitch! Who just, you know, inspired our goodly constitution and our founding fathers.

But you know what, just SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THAT! BECAUSE THEY WERE GOOD CHRISTIANS WHO LOVED JESUS BECAUSE, BECAUSE I SAID SO! THAT'S WHAT!

These people…are sadly, all around me and are | | <— this close to ruining it for the rest of the nation too. Goddammit Texas, are you ever going to pull your head out of your ass? Actually, I already know the answer. It's no.

ButthurtWingers2012 November 25, 2012 at 6:33 pm

The problem as I see it in regards to science and evolution is too many people who accept the theory lower themselves to the level of these mad hatters by equating science with belief systems. I used to just let this one go but it really pisses me off when I read someone defending evolution or climate sciences by saying they 'believe' in them…science is a trial, not bible camp. If you accept science it is because you examine the facts in favor of, find the hilarious 'opposing facts' (a wizard did it) and then accept evolution as a fact based upon evidence. A correct way to view science is via factual skepticism: evolution could be at some point invalidated and replaced by an even more accurate scientific theory (not bloody likely, but still), but since evolution has not unraveled every bit of universal existence it is not a universal law and should not be treated via belief. It should be respected by accepting it as a fact…this is sort of O/T but it just pisses me off every time I see a person who accepts science go on teevee and cheapen science by treating it like religion…

Geminisunmars November 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm

You've got me believing what you say.

BlueStateLibel November 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Good point. In other words, we should say, "The data currently seems to indicate xxx." Words of course that will never be found in these textbooks.

poorgradstudent November 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I take it then that they never mention Libertarian/Randian/technocrat conservatives, who more often than not sympathize with not just atheists but the anti-theist movement, or, on the other hand, "liberation theology" Christians?

But maybe I'm being too hasty; you can tell that they're superserious when their definition of liberal boils down to "They reject standards, which is a bad thing, except when it isn't."

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Not Real Conservatives, of course.

Barrelhse November 25, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Somehow I can't shake the funny feeling that maybe Greece and Rome had a lot more influence on Western Civ. than did the fucking Christians.

Jennyjen798 November 25, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Probably all that butt sex…

Barrelhse November 25, 2012 at 7:32 pm

LOL. Most likely, at least that seems to be the big take-away by GOP "Congressmen".

BZ1 November 25, 2012 at 7:07 pm

I'm glad the conservative believes in the Koran, sharia, much?

BarackMyWorld November 25, 2012 at 7:18 pm

I can haz advil?

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Sure, if I can haz barfbucket.

fishwharf November 25, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Thanks Wonkette,
You just led me to a genuine, All American, Christian psycho bitch from hell.
http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/did-anne-frank-go

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Hmmm… I don't read her that way at all… I think she's writing from more of a questioning perspective, albeit still faith-y.

fishwharf November 25, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Yes, perhaps I was a little harsh. She is kinda cute in a MILF-y way.

fuflans November 26, 2012 at 1:11 am

yeah that's what i read too.

she's gonna be commenting here in 6 months. and be a full blown secular humanist in a year.

mostly, i'm just glad i don't have to wrestle with whether or not anne frank is going to hell.

jesus christ.

weejee November 25, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Since they are on Sunday morning, obvs the teevee Geritol™ pundit showz have been hijacked.

Last week if you clicked your remote clickie just right you could hear lamest duck Joe Lieberman, Palestinian phobe Peter King, Princess Lindsey Graham, and cranky 'get off my f*ing lawn Walnutz McCain. And guess what you could do this week, too, also. The same tired, olde, farting douchnoodles to liven our morning between Cialis™ and Depends™ ads.

Thank doG we have the Dok to turn to instead. And the intertubes as well.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Thanks! I'm gonna get me a "More Fun Than John McCain" Tee shirt in the Wonkette Bazaar.

Spurning Beer November 25, 2012 at 7:54 pm

The publisher of this text is owned by or affiliated with Pensacola Christian College, which is a half mile from my second job. It was founded 60 years ago by graduates of Bob Jones University. Students at PCC are protected from the rampant liberalism that currently prevails in Pensacola. Per Wikipedia:

Physical contact between members of the opposite sex is only permitted under very limited circumstances. Written permission of the dean’s office must be procured for all off-campus meetings between members of the opposite sex. In addition, all mixed-gender meetings (on and off-campus), must have a PCC chaperone present. Most stairwells and elevators on campus are segregated by gender. In the absence of being able to have physical contact, a fad has developed among dating students on campus where couples stare deeply into each other’s eyes. This practice by students is variously called "eye kissing", or "optical intercourse" and is jokingly called "making eye babies."


(emphasis added)

They are also forbidden from attending movie theaters.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 8:10 pm

wow.

PubOption November 25, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Almost Saudi Arabia, just needs niqab.

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm

A chum of mine's cousin goes to a fundie college down in Tampa. Students who want to get around the schools' PDA ("public display of affection") rules put an open hymnal on the pew during chapel, then hold hands under it.

Love will find a way… ;0)

vulpes82 November 26, 2012 at 12:11 am

That's actually kind of sweet.

AlterNewt November 26, 2012 at 1:50 am

"We're gonna need a bigger hymnal."

Jennyjen798 November 25, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Kissing != intercourse. Can't even make eye babeys correctly!

Spurning Beer November 25, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Visine is the favored lubricant here. It contains a spermicidal agent.

Sharkey November 25, 2012 at 7:57 pm

(1) There are absolutes established by g-d…

If you would just tell us what they are, we could stop arguing.

Also, just go away afterwards.

ButthurtWingers2012 November 26, 2012 at 4:32 am

The absolutes are whatever conservatism holds up as being correct at any one time. What I find so disturbing about these douches is they have their heads so far up Bush's asshole they can taste the beef jerky and pretzels he just consumed. This sort of political-religious cross-breeding is not something new for the US but the myopic degree it occupies is new. This will seem hyperbolic but these assholes remind me of the "German Christian Church" which combined national socialist and religious dogma so that in their eyes it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began. Capitalism by the way, is not religious aside from worshipping wealth…that they put socialism, communism, et.al in anti-religious positions but omit capitalism shows just how much they ARE like the German Christian Church….

Mahousu November 25, 2012 at 8:00 pm

I assume the book cover up there is a subtle hint for those wondering what's happened to Newell.

He's actually looking better than I expected.

Sharkey November 25, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Is Hellhole of Sin available on Kindle?

FeloniousMonk November 25, 2012 at 9:14 pm

It seems you can only get the dead tree version.

Isyaignert November 26, 2012 at 12:40 am

"Hellhole of Sin" is rated FIVE STARS!!! Who knew??

DahBoner November 25, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Ass fucking was well established over in Greece, long before the 20th century.

GO SPARTANS (the ass fuckers, not the Michigan State team)

BloviateMe November 25, 2012 at 9:31 pm

So, Penn State?

…too soon?

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I don't think liberalism assumes much anything of the morality of man one way or the other. I think the authors are thinking of humanism.

BloviateMe November 25, 2012 at 9:24 pm

As vulpes opined earlier on the thread, it is bizarre to associate libs with any attempt at perfection. I don't remember that part in my indoctrination.

However, after reading ol' Benny Franklin's autobiography, he has to be regarded as a one man Tower of Babel.

vulpes82 November 26, 2012 at 12:12 am

Well, all those French whores at 80 will do that to you.

uncle_betty November 25, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Of course Anne Frank is in hell, as is my mother and eventually Wonkette and me, because God is love.

iburl November 25, 2012 at 10:37 pm

You know what other extinct life forms stubbornly adhered to a standard?

iburl November 25, 2012 at 10:38 pm

All of 'em, Katie.

BloviateMe November 25, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Not the invertebrates…those fucks have no backbone at all.

bearperney November 25, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Well, Sieg! freakin' Heil! then…

BTWBFDIMHO November 25, 2012 at 10:38 pm

phenomenon at the beginning of the 20th century threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization?

Om, glad you said Liberalism, I thought you had Egon Schiele in mind.

fuflans November 26, 2012 at 1:18 am

AUSTRIAN EXPRESSIONISM LIBEL!

lulzmonger November 25, 2012 at 11:01 pm

"Hellhole Of Sin" = she wants it up her p00pyhole?

Dumbing down what little kids get taught?
Shit sure seems plenty diabolical to me.

Troubledog November 25, 2012 at 11:16 pm

“What phenomenon at the beginning of the 20th century threatened to destroy the roots of Western civilization?”

Institutionalized mendacity.

BadKitty904 November 26, 2012 at 8:40 am

An American journalist to Mahatma Gandhi: "What do you think of Western Civilization?"

Gandhi: "I think it could be a good idea."

sullivanst November 26, 2012 at 8:54 am

Also relevant: "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. The materialism of affluent Christian countries appears to contradict the claims of Jesus Christ that says it's not possible to worship both Mammon and God at the same time."

BlueStateLibel November 26, 2012 at 7:25 am

OT: Warren Buffet has again given us a mighty sword with which to slay the cons and austerity freaks. Read it and weep bitter robot tears, Mitt Rmoney! http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/26/opinion/buffett…?

decentcitizen November 26, 2012 at 8:41 am

That book jacket reminds me of college – liberal arts major.

thatsitfortheother1 November 26, 2012 at 8:53 am

I lived like that in college.

In my dreams.

sullivanst November 26, 2012 at 8:45 am

Man’s sinful nature makes it impossible to perfect society (either through legislation, education, the arts, or any other means). Any attempt to impose a “perfect” system on mankind leads only to misery and despair. Man cannot solve every social problem.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union

Butbutbut I thought the Founding Fathers were really the Fundie Fathers, and the Constitution was really just a transcription of Deuteronomy and Leviticus. Now I just don't know what to believe!

Also too, seriously, WTF? Believing women should make their own choices about their own bodies = tyranny; imposing a literal reading of the Bible over every aspect of everyone's life = freedom? On what fucking planet? We must tyrannize the people to keep them free from tyranny! Not only is freedom slavery, but slavery is also freedom!

thatsitfortheother1 November 26, 2012 at 8:56 am

In summation, what a bunch of 'tards.

BadKitty904 November 26, 2012 at 8:59 am

I've quoted it before and I'll quote it again:

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."

~C. S. Lewis

thatsitfortheother1 November 26, 2012 at 9:19 am

Somehow I was born without the Tell Other People How To Live Their Lives gene.

It's not lost though. Some right winger's got an extra one.

BaldarTFlagass November 26, 2012 at 9:26 am

I had a Jewish girlfriend who got that gene from her father.

thatsitfortheother1 November 26, 2012 at 9:35 am

XXY?

BadKitty904 November 26, 2012 at 9:26 am

I was raised to focus on fixing my own faults first, before fretting about anyone else's…

sullivanst November 26, 2012 at 10:51 am

Considering the source, that's a little ironic.

If he'd pointed out that robber barons usually get overthrown quicker, he might have had a point. But to imagine the robber baron feels a pang of conscience ever is even more fantastical than Narnia.

drbill0620 November 26, 2012 at 9:38 am

No time for discussion children. Let's move on to World Geography and talk about the fabulous flat world of ours.

Yes, Jeremiah, it's true – if you sail to close to the edge, you will fall off. But, no, you don't fall into hell – the good news – you become an instant angel – so there are still rewards to be had….

YouFail4eva November 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

You were expecting anything in this book to make sense? You may have come to the wrong place man

ericthefredd November 25, 2012 at 4:41 pm

I especially like the reference to "Marxism-Leninism" as one of the 'Standards' apparently rejected by Liberals. They are totally undermining the people trying to teach that Liberals are all secretly Communists.

gullywompr November 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Naw mang, I find your posts pithy and insightful. Blather away. And for whatever it's worth, It's well into the afternoon and I'm still in my PJ's and nursing coffee, trying to get my synapses to fire properly. You're in good stead.

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

The solution to our problems will be found through our society's molarity? I think I'm stretching a little too hard on that one…

boskolives November 25, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Between two generals I like to pick the evil one that I'm sure can bring twins to the party.

Geminisunmars November 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Did you bite off more than you could chew?

glasspusher November 25, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I had mine pulled before I got braces. Didn't help prevent sexual deviance for me in the least.

Vecchiojohn November 25, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Later, they remove the wisdom teeth to prevent free thinking.

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 2:51 pm

a thousand.

Dashboard Buddha November 25, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I was thinking infinity.—

smokefilledroommate November 25, 2012 at 3:33 pm

shitballs

ttommyunger November 25, 2012 at 4:30 pm

“with votes” is an inside joke.

Doktor Zoom November 25, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Yeah, that's part of the total fail of the chart–they're trying to suggest that being a "liberal" in a Marxist system is a good thing, but it's an awfully sloppy depiction.

Can't for the life of me imagine why they dropped that chart in the 2010 3rd edition (Of course, they kept all the rest of teh Crazy)

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:38 pm

And they were pretty effective!

ttommyunger November 25, 2012 at 8:44 pm

It's twooo, it's twooo!

Boojum November 25, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Butt secretly.

ttommyunger November 25, 2012 at 8:53 pm

…goes without saying.

vulpes82 November 26, 2012 at 12:08 am

GREG PROOPS LIBEL!!!!

viennawoods13 November 26, 2012 at 12:12 am

It broke my heart when my son told me that, because I so love Greg Proops and so HATE the race guys.

vulpes82 November 26, 2012 at 12:37 am

Eh, I'll be honest, if George Lucas had asked me to be a part of the new Star Wars movie, I'd have done it, too. We all had such hope, then. We were young and innocent and the putrescence of the prequels had not yet sullied our souls. Plus, you know, they cancelled "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" and a comic's gotta eat. I wonder who voiced the other head? I bet he's glad of his incomprehensible alien gibberish-facilitated anonymity nowadays.

viennawoods13 November 26, 2012 at 1:08 am

“The putrescence of the prequels had not yet sullied our souls.”THIS.And it's sad, when you think of how many good actors got wasted in those piles of steaming shit. Hayden Christiansen NOT included.

vulpes82 November 26, 2012 at 1:14 am

They had on Attack of the Clones over the weekend, and watching Hayden Christansen try to emote when he's telling Padme about killing the Sand People was a goddamn laugh riot.

Also, when you can make Samuel Motherfuckin' Jackson wooden and boring, you have SOME kind of talent. Just not one you should share with the world, GEORGE LUCAS.

WTE November 26, 2012 at 9:11 am

They are all the same. Man made to control the masses

sewollef November 26, 2012 at 9:18 am

Unadulterated shit like these books made me an atheist [if we must, for the sake of a label].

What it boils down to is, religion is a problem that the world keeps reliving, millennia after millennia. During the course of which there is a thinning out of the species known as 'humans'.

Gott Mit Uns being the modus operandi of these zealots. Whether it's xtians, muslims, jews or whoever the hell else there is.

As Richard Dawkins says, "Over the course of millennia we as a species have discarded god after god after god…. the xtian/muslim/jewish god is merely one more we need to discard in order to progress to a saner world."

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