all quiet on the northern front

Catch-11/23: Being A True and Accurate Account of the Late War On Christmas

Your Fat Man is deadFor real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter.

Ex-PFC Wintergreen was cold. So cold. It seemed so easy to just drift off, but there was fucking Minderbinder screaming in his face, hoisting him over his shoulder, getting him the fuck out of there, man. He could only stare at Milo’s lips, from which no sound issued. The smell of nutmeg had deafened him. He looked down. Where his legs should have been was instead a giant web of cotton candy. He fainted.

The War on Christmas was not spurred by any one event — the long-simmering feud saw the decline of relations every holiday season, with Christmas making significant manger-scene incursions in some years, and lawsuits and injunctions beating it back in others. This year, however, Christmas was caught off-guard by a preemptive strike, an all-out siege declared before any media outlets could interpret innocuous defense of the First Amendment as a move of military aggression.

It started with Wonkette’s godless secular precision strikes on Christmas targets — the first hours of the war saw the obliteration of all major elf workshops and tinsel mines. Heavy casualties on both sides caused immediate efforts to escalate, and soon air strikes cut off all major North Pole supply lines. Initial reports were triumphal.

Early Victories

Sponsored Video

Surprising allies appeared, as if out of nowhere:

Assume Rudolf Roasted

But that of course made it sound like a video game, when in reality it was all too real. Brigades of spinster aunts armed with fruitcakes, surrounded and sent to FEMA camps. The Mall of America a bloody wasteland of tinsel and curled ribbon. Dead elves fuckin’ EVERYWHERE.

Hermie, the gay elf who only wanted to be a dentist, hated by the Clausites simply because he was “different,” broke from the Clausite ranks and was tragically cut down as he tried to reach secularist lines, becoming the first confirmed martyr among the anti-Christmas forces. Wonkers vowed vengeance. And vengeance they had. Things started to break their way with wave after wave of skyborne punishment. Drones and stuff, you know, like that. Hermie’s sacrifice was not in vain, as his medical bag yielded vital intelligence:

Guantanahohoho

The Wonkette Ministry of Propaganda dominated the social media environment:

Social Media Domination

Bravo Camp was victorious over all Pipers.

The Festivus delegation couldn’t decide whether to join ranks or stay neutral. Neutrality was for pussies; it also got you FEMA camped. You were with Wonkette or against them.

The Pole was running dangerously low on cookies and egg nog. Penguins, in violation of their status as noncombatant observers from the South Pole Neutral Zone, had begun to attack. There were rumors, fed by the cruel anti-Christmas generalix on Twitter, that they would be nuked. Ignoring the North Pole Minister of Propaganda, “Bobsled Bob,” and his reassuring claims that all was well, residents became desperate, and resorted to throwing last year’s toys over the compound walls in an attempt to disappoint the children of the siege with uncool gifts. Though there were myriad elf defections, the situation appeared to be approaching stalemate. It wasn’t always clear where loyalites lay:

(Thanks, SpurningBeer!)

Abominable behavior

Morale of the attackers was waning dangerously, until a company of troops discovered one of the toys launched from the Pole was a Tickle-Me Elmo, which are way grosser now than when they were the coolest toy anyone could have ever wanted. Spurred by fury and mildly creeped out, the attackers stormed the walls, eating their way through the Gumdrop Gate and pushing through the stocking-stuffer barricades of deodorant and Tic-Tacs.

News of Enemy movements was hard to pin down. At one point, Dessert Fox Bill O’Reilly was thought to be unreachable, safe within his Fortress of Falafel in the depths of Bullshit Mountain. Then news came that he had escaped, but did not get away without a stain on his reputation:

Get it? GET IT??

A strike team using two helicopters dropped into the Eagle’s Nest and found Santa Claus (code-name “Fat Man”) cowering behind one of his wives, whom he was using as a human shield, in a spider hole. He was captured and enhanced-interrogationed by the Council for Secular Humanism.

They were going to kill him super-dead, but then Jimmy Carter showed up and convinced them to just cart him around the globe letting people throw shoes at him instead. Then everybody had a Victory Lapdance, for freedom, to the music of the children’s wails. VICTORY! Except for Ex-PFC Wintergreen, who has candy canes for legs now and fucking never shuts up about it. As of press time, Major Major could not be reached for comment.

An uneasy quiet has descended on the malls and shopping websites. While the foe has been vanquished, eternal vigilance remains our watchword.

Nevar Forget!!

[#waronchristmas / @wonkette]

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350 comments

    1. sbj1964

      Jesus is boycotting Christmas this year.Says all he wants to do is"Hang around Jerusalem for a few days."

  1. LibrarianX

    Comrade Grassley? I always thought the Hayseed Dullard bit was just a ruse for the Iowa Senator. No one could be THAT idiotically boring.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. And the enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days as I'm sure Walmart Jeebus will be, fighting with Santa Claus for what Rudolph called possession of my Wallet. There are times since, I've felt like the child born of those two fathers. But, be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to buy again, to sell to others what we can, and to try with what's left of our lives to market to the masses a consumer's meaning to this life.

    1. memzilla

      Nicely adapted! Throw in some recipes, some ponies, some vodka, and some Vicodin, and Editrix might serialize it!

    2. sbj1964

      Global warming will insure Santa will never have a base of operation again.But baby Jesus is still out there,and we should not let our guard down.

    1. BeccaBlast

      We do need to thank Comrade Pogo for supplying information on the enemy's European Chief of Operations, codename Wenceslas — "his feets were uneven."

    1. sbj1964

      I heard Bill O'reilly after leaving Bullshit Mountain complex dressed as a woman is hiding out in Miami working as a cab driver from Pakistan.

  3. editor

    let's not be too hasty. i will feel a lot safer once unlawful enemy combatant o'reilly has been smoked out of his cave.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        Clothes. Exactly. Everyone's all gettin' their season-change heavier clothing items out of storage for winter — I'm bringing BACK my shorts and iron-on T shirts out of the closet *just* to prove my point, somehow! And look: here in VA we had seventy-degree temperature high yesterday! which surely proves my point, somehow..

  4. Joshua Norton

    I like Xmas for the pressies. I like Easter for the chocolate eggs, and I like St. Swithin’s day for the look of total incomprehension on people’s faces when I say what day it is.

    1. Pat_Pending

      Like every May 1st when I celebrate IWW day by hugging a Wobbly. If I can't find a Wobbly I just drink until I get wobbly and hug everybody…

  5. DixvilleCrotch

    Wow, you guys are really doing this! Put a Sidewinder up Bill O's ass for me, pretty please? That's all I ask for Festivus.

    WITH VOTES I mean.

    1. sbj1964

      Bill O'reilly would not even notice a sidewinder missile up his ass.Sean Hannity has been tapping that for years.Just look at him definitely a bottom boy.

  6. Thurman Munster IV

    When Black Friday comes
    I'm gonna dig myself a hole
    Gonna lay down in it 'til
    I satisfy my soul
    Gonna let the world pass by me

  7. Joshua Norton

    The War on Christmas was not spurred by any one event

    Maybe not for you, but receiving a catalogue for "Last minute gift ideas" right after Labor Day had a lot to do with it for me.

  8. a_pink_poodle

    A thousand nations of the Christian empire descend upon you! Our Bible's will blot out of the sun!

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      I want to go to a Christmas party dressed head to toe in black, carrying a mug, so that I can hold it forth and say: "Kneel before Nog".

  9. Mahousu

    So that explains why Hillary Clinton showed up at our house in a heavily-armed diplomatic convoy. We gave her a cup of hot chocolate and a pint of bourbon, which seemed to satisfy her, but I was concerned that we were missing something.

  10. BlahAndBlue

    We must kill them. We must incinerate them. French hen after French hen… Partridge after Partridge… Christmas village after Christmas village… toy soldier army after toy soldier army…

  11. Blueb4sinrise

    Never in the field of human blogging was so much owed by so many to so few. All hearts go out to the editirxes, whose brilliant actions we see with our own eyes day after day; but we must never forget that all the time, night after night, month after month, our tweeters tweet far into suburbia, find their targets in the darkness by the highest GPS skill, aim their snark, often under the heaviest whining, often with serious loss of p-ness, with deliberate careful discrimination, and inflict shattering blows upon the whole of the technical and war-making structure of the Christmas power.

    Also, buttsechs!

  12. Both Sides Do It

    What's this war at the heart of Christmas? Why does this holiday vie with itself?

    Is there an avenging power in Santa? Not one power, but two?

    Does Rudolph's ruin benefit the Earth? Cause the grass to grow, or the sun to shine? Is this darkness on Christmas Eve in you, too? Have you passed through this night?

    This great evil . . . where's it come from? Robbing us of candy canes and icicle lights. Mocking us with the sights of manger scenes we could have known. Preventing us from reaching out, and . . . touching the glory.

    Bill O'Reilly: "Are you righteous? Kind? Does your confidence lie in this? . . . Do you imagine your sufferings will be less because you loved goodness? Truth?"

  13. barto

    Reports of O'Reilly's unit taking heavy gumdrop fire coming in from Santa Claus Lane (in Carpinteria, CA).

  14. Guppy

    This polyvinyl infant Christ was made across the sea,
    Its glorious LED lights transfigure you and me:
    As He died to make men holy, let us que for free TVs,
    While Fox News prattles on!

    Put the "Christ" back into "Christmas!"
    Put the "Christ" back into "Christmas!"
    Put the "Christ" back into "Christmas!"
    While Fox News prattles on!

    1. DemmeFatale

      I did a version of this many years ago, when Anita Bryant was getting a lot of press for her anti homosexual stuff:

      Glory, glory hallelujah.
      Aniiiita Bryant, what's it to ya?
      Christ would shudder if he knew you,
      Gay rights keep marching on!

      (I know it's crappy, but I was only 16.)

  15. FeloniousMonk

    What? It's over? That's it? I was looking forward to putting on my armchair general's uniform, settling down in my armchair general's armchair, and watching brave young Wonketeers die in pointless assaults on Bullshit Mountain. Then watching the others come back, the armless, the p-less, the blind and insane. And it's done before December is even here?
    Never mind, I get it it now. It's another "mission accomplished" joke. (Brushes off epaulettes, whistling happily.)

  16. Rotundo_

    Hwy 136 south of Dyersville? No toy tractors for the little Christianists this year. Did they take out the Field of Dreams baseball diamond too?

    1. bibliotequetress

      It may be a police action unauthorized by any parliamentiary considerations. Or just some whomp-ass.

  17. BeccaBlast

    And our eternal thanks to the crew of the USS Colorado, who knew a lawful order when they saw it and obliterated Whoville to cover the Grinch's escape….

  18. cybermoe

    All I want for Xmas is for Breitbart to still be dead. I don't even need a fuckin' bow to wrap it up.

  19. ttommyunger

    I don't know, but I've been told,
    Eskimo pussy's mighty cold.
    If I die on the Russian Front,
    Bury me in a Russian cunt.
    Pin my wings upon my chest,
    Tell my mom I done my best…..Old Paratrooper marching chant.

  20. Doktor Zoom

    Hey, man, you don't talk to Santa. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll… uh… well, you'll say "Merry Christmas" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "You better not pout. You better not cry. You better watch out, I'm tellin' you why!"… I mean I'm… no, I can't… I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's… he's a great man! I should have been a vision of sugarplums, man…

    1. gullywompr

      "Never get out of the sleigh." Absolutely goddamn right! Unless you were goin' all the way… Santa got off the sleigh. He split from the whole fuckin' program.

    2. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Did you know that lid is the middle word in holiday?
      If you can keep your sack when all about you
      Are losing theirs and blaming it on you?

  21. JustPixelz

    During this time of #waronchristmas, we must remember our patriotic duty to shop. As Dubya Bush put it:

    We cannot let [them] achieve the objective of frightening our nation to the point where we don’t — where we don’t conduct business, where people don’t shop.

          1. Negropolis

            And, they may also help us combat global warming. We must find out the technology they had that enabled them to make their fuel last for as long as it did.

          2. corthylio

            Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

            A: Don't worry about me- I'm fine here in the dark…

          3. zyxomma

            The FIVS? (That's fuel implosion vaporization system, for the uninitiated.) Allen Caggiano's old gas guzzlers got 113 to 145 mpg. True, he's not a member of our tribe, but he sure was treated like one …

    1. kittensdontlie

      But will the Wonkette Nation be able to stomach another war? With a good French recipe like Rabbit Terrine with Green Olives and Pistachios, I think we will be fine.

  22. C_R_Eature

    By the rude Blog that arched the Web,
    Their flag to Winter's breeze unfurl'd;
    Here once the embattl'd Wonketts stood,
    And fired the snark heard round the world.

  23. Negropolis

    ROTFLMAO!

    I hear that there are bloggers reporting that a fat man disguised in women's clothing is being detained at Bellingham along the U.S.-Canadian border, so maybe the guy we caught earlier was an imposter.

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      You can never be sure. The Fat Man has doubles everywhere, and they have secret identities you don't expect. That guy in Bellingham could be a double, the real one, or just an innocent drag queen from Nanaimo headed south for a cheaper airline flight

    1. FeloniousMonk

      5-year-old self: Well, there's …. 59-year-old-self: No, you can't make me say that! The shame … 5-year-old: Aw, come on … Both: There's the National Elf Service!

  24. mosjef

    Twas the war before Christmas and all through the heavens
    Reindeer were mowed down with AK-47s
    The stockings were hung all over the house
    And OReilly was hung like a circumcised mouse
    When what to my wondering eyes did appear
    But O'Reilly with loofahs stuck out of his rear
    His eyes how they drooped, tears filled to the brim
    In hopes that Dick Morris would Dick more of him
    Now Dahmer, Now Manson, Now Romney and Limbaugh
    On Comet, On Ajax, On Dandruff, Wolf Blitzen
    A little old driver, a sleigh full of toys
    With clearly an unnatural fondness for boys
    But secular war and pretend indignation
    Is useful to fire up dopey Fox Nation
    The stump of a pipe Santa held in his face
    As crack smoke set off alarms in the place
    I heard him mutter under his breath, "Oh shit.
    That jackass O'Reilly is full of it."
    I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight
    "Tell Hannity I'd kick his ass in a fight."

  25. Negropolis

    We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in the North Pole, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our homeland, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches of Hudson Bay, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the mossen tundra fields and in the snow-swept alleys, we shall fight in the Arctic Circle; we shall never surrender! Huzzah!

  26. Negropolis

    So this is the reason for Obama's weather machine. He's trying to melt them out, reduce the glaciers and drown those filthy terrorist elves.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        This ain't no party!
        This ain't Kris Kringle!
        This ain't no foolin' around!
        No time for presents
        Or spicy cider
        I ain't got time for that now.

        1. C_R_Eature

          Hey, you're really good at this!

          If you haven't read it already, you should check out Harlan Ellison's short story "Santa Claus Vs. S.P.I.D.E.R." He turns Santa into a James Bond character who fights politicians taken over by evil alien brain parasites, as only Ellison can.
          I read it in an old December edition of Fantasy & Science Fiction and it was accompanied by truly grotesque Gahan Wilson cover art. I think he's anthologized it.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Heh.. comment from the YouTube clip from Stop Making Sense:

      "Little known fact: The cocaine that fueled and helped define what the 80's were, was actually made up of little particles of David Byrne.."

  27. BadKitty904

    But if we fail, then the whole world, including other liberal blogs, including all that we have known and cared for, will sink into the abyss of a new dark age made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted holidays. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if Wonkette and its Wonkville last for a thousand years, men will still say, “This was their finest hour.”

  28. BaldarTFlagass

    "The lamps are going out in Walmarts all over America, we shall not see them lit again in our time."

    If we're lucky.

  29. Wile E. Quixote

    This Claus guy? He's wacko man! He's worse than crazy. He's evil. It's It's fuckin' pagan idolatry. Look around you. Shit! He's loco… I ain't afraid of all them fuckin' elves and reindeer and snowmen and shit. I used to think if I died in an evil place, then my soul wouldn't be able to make it to Heaven. But now? Fuck! I mean, I don't care where it goes, as long as it ain't the North Pole. So whaddya wanna do? I'll kill the fuck.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Charging a man with profiteering during the War On Christmas was like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500.

  30. slowhansolo

    Just look at it, gentlemen. How calm… how peaceful it is. A strip of water between the godless and this creche on public land… between the Secularists and us. But beyond that peaceful horizon… a monster waits. A coiled spring of men, ships, and planes… straining to be released against us. But, gentlemen, not a single Secularist soldier shall reach the shore. Whenever and wherever this invasion may come, gentlemen… I shall destroy the enemy there, at the water's edge. Believe me, gentlemen, the first 24 hours of the invasion will be decisive. For the Secularists well as the Christianists, it will be the longest day… The longest day.

    1. FeloniousMonk

      And treated for *non life-threatening wounds*. C'mon, just a little friendly warning for tresp… I can't do this any more. It's my belief that the NRA was the target of a very successful deep cover infiltration in the 60's or 70's. The object was simple: adopt positions so bizarre that the people would gag, and be more receptive to a few mild gun control measures. The perpetrators were horrified to discover that they couldn't say anything sufficiently batshit that their members wouldn't lap it up. They've been cranking it up ever since, way past 11, and it still doesn't work. May God have mercy on their souls.

    2. Biff

      “I don’t think that it had anything to do with merchandise,” said one shopper, Kollet Probst, who huddled in a restroom with other shoppers after hearing gunfire. “It was so odd and unprovoked that it just doesn’t seem like it was a Black Friday mob.”

      That's how we get 'em, lull 'em into complacency, then they don't even know what hit 'em.

      1. not that Dewey

        Till in the silence around him he hears
        The muster of crowds at the shopping mall door,
        The sound of carts, and the tramp of feet,
        And the measured sighs of the cashiers,
        Dropping down to their knees on the floor

  31. AlterNewt

    My dearest Imogene,

    Doubtless by now you will have been notified by the Foreign Office that we are mobilizing all U.K. Nationals here at the L.A. Consulate. Don't worry darling, we have the situation well in hand. SIS and GCHQ are sending us hourly updates on this "Twenty-fifth of December" group. They are a nasty bunch, but we shall flush them from their nests. Be brave my darling and kiss the children for me. KBO.

    Yours,
    Reginald

  32. Negropolis

    How are the field hospitals holding up? I'm hearing that there has been an influx of candy cane-related injuries.

    There is also word coming in that rogue factions of the North Polean Army have escaped en route to Iceland. The plan is to start back up the X-box factories, which produce Weapons of Mass Distraction, but first they must procure rare earth elements from Communist China. Our intelligence thus far on the stance of Bjork's fairy and imp defencefroce is spotty, though. This is far from over.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Speaking of candy cane injuries…my senior year of high school someone had the brilliant idea to sell penis-size candy cane sticks as a fund raiser, followed by another more brilliant idea to buy them as gifts for attractive girls, followed by an even more brilliant idea to encourage the girls to suck on the candy cane sticks in the presence of teenage boys and pervy male teachers.

  33. trampndirtdown

    We few. We happy few. We band of brothers. For he who twitters his tweets with me today, be the alcohol level in his blood higher than legally allowed shall be my brother.

  34. GeorgiaBurning

    Don't think this is over. The internet may be silent but there's plenty of elven chatter on the usual Claus satellite frequencies and the ULR-227 system in my garage (great Loral surplus buy!) is going crazy with all the stuff heading south. Not over by a long shot.

  35. BarackMyWorld

    I expected more resistance, but those kids armed with Red Rider BB Guns just shot their own eyes out.

  36. Toomush_Infer

    Snark off – I'm just mourning Hermie today – he just wanted to fix teeth, all he ever really desired…

  37. C_R_Eature

    AFTER ACTION REPORT
    W.O.C. COASTAL/MARINE CAMPAIGN

    The "Voter Registration" Front Group Cephalopods for Obama was highly successful in recruiting Maritime Fast-Attack Assets. These were quite effective in interdicting major Port Operations nationwide and capturing or delaying several Super Post-Panamax container ships. The resultant interruption of the Wal-Mart supply chain from China lead to the consumer riots we are all familiar with.

    Our Combined Species Land-Sea Operation progressed better than expected, capturing or neutralizing Elf "Christmas Village" strongholds all along the Coastal areas. Elf assets were cleared from Harbor and rail heads along the East and West coasts in record time, in spite of pockets of fierce resistance within "Historic Districts" and a few Malls. Elements of the 19th Volunteer Division secured airfields in the New York Metro area and a squidron came within 5 minutes of capturing "Target S.C." at JFK as his Sleigh conveyance lifted off.

    The notable exception to this success is the ill-planned aquatics only amphibious invasion of Fishery Harbor districts in the Northeast. We hold the commanding officer, General Pulpo, directly responsible for the total loss of our Expeditionary Force and would recommend Courts-Martial if he had survived.

    HQ did, however receive many nice "Thank You" cards, most written in Portuguese, for the "Christmas Miracle".

    Lagoon Marshal CRE

      1. C_R_Eature

        Sadly, because of the indiscriminate use of Electromagnetic Pulse weapons by the Elves, to cover their retreat, all of our dash, helmet and MantleCams were slagged. We're working on the hard drives to attempt to recover some data. So far, we only have a few screen caps: One of the Amphibious assault on L.L.Bean and this still of a battle in San Diego where no one really can understand what is going on.

  38. Steverino247

    A jolly elf
    With a beard of white
    Was lurking 'round
    On Christmas Night.
    I lured him in
    With some pumpkin bread,
    And then I crushed his FUCKING HEAD

  39. Toomush_Infer

    How many people have to get shot in the eye with a bb gun for us to realize the futility of this endless engagement?…

  40. weejee

    Now that Panda Santa has been shoed from the stage. If anyone is still going to take their last two Ameros to get that something special for their sweetie, or kids, or grandbabies, how about something made in the USA, USA, USA?

    ♪♫ The bells go jingo, jango, jingle ♫♪

    / honor the Walmart picket linez too, also

    1. Radiotherapy

      Yes, YES Weej, I've been pushing a Made in USA War on Xmas for twenty years– that or a Ken Layne Style minimalist Christmas or make things yourself. It was a lonely battle. But it's good to know there is some reinforcements coming over the hill.

      Here's a good company.

  41. glasspusher

    Yesterday I was reliving some PTSD working behind the counter on Black Friday, 20 years ago. Nevar Ferget!

    1. BadKitty904

      Were there no prisons? And the Union workhouses? The treadmill and the Poor Law were in full vigour, then?

  42. DixvilleCrotch

    OT: can you guys do a wacky and yet somehow wistfully poignant piece on the "Christmas Lights Gangnam Style" house down in Texas? I'll buy some panties from the Wonkette Gift Shoppe if you do, to make it "worth it."

  43. bibliotequetress

    Yep. And I read "Front Row Center with Thaddeus Bristol" at least once during the holidays, usually after I've ODed on pics of 6 year olds dressed as Wise Men.

  44. dawgeral

    Although disabled during the Maunday Thursday Wars, I was still able to do my part. Took my father's Billy Bass off the wall and shot it. I'm now in hiding…and running low on supplies. Twinkling lights have appeared in the trees and I

  45. cheetojeebus

    I got this.
    Loadin' up a candy cane striped, brown sugar sprinkled, Poinsetta enhanced, enriched fruitcake loaded idiot seeking cruise mistle of christmas that should waste their asses.

  46. sati_demise

    Oh, you think you won the war?
    I have news for you all; you just won one battle.

    Word from the street is Santa has gone underground, in a workshop somewhere, and has a battalion of elves working on a top secret project.

    1. Negropolis

      My god! Could it be? The fat bastard is manufacturing deadly custard gas beneath the pole!

      Be prepared for all-out (and delicious) chemical and confectionary warfare.

  47. dawgeral

    This may be the last transmission, but in my sugar-induced delirium I am seeing a magnificent portion of…yes..spaghetti…hovering above me – so close I can nearly reach up and touch it. It's glowing. There are two, beautiful meatballs (almost like "eyes", fer christsake! -)…and I…and I think…I hear…

          1. AlterNewt

            On June 15, 2010, the statue was struck by lightning and consumed in the resulting blaze

            Apparently Thor didn't care for it.

  48. Beowoof

    Damn I missed Black Friday again, went to Toronto for the Who concert. They play pretty well for old guys.

      1. yyyaz

        Yeah, but Zombie Keith Moon was unfucking real. Until his left hand started to slough off, that is. He kept going, though, and really made the radius-ulna WAKwok thing work. It was beautiful, man.

  49. SaintRond

    It's not all fun and games, smart asses. On March 16, 2012, Wonkette's War Against Christmas resulted in the mass murder of between 347 and 504 unarmed civilians in the North Pole by members of Wonkette's "Charlie" Company of the 2st Batalion, 20th Infantry Regiment of the Americal Division. Most of the victims were women, children, infants and elderly dwarfs. Some of the female dwarfs were gang-raped and their bodies were later found to be mutilated and many of them were raped prior to the killings. While 26 Wonkette soldiers were initially charged with criminal offenses at Franz Josif Land, only one platoon leader in Charlie Company, was convicted. Found guilty of killing 22 villagers, she was originally given a life sentence, but was released a few months later and put under house arrest and will serve only three and a half years in toto.

  50. TribecaMike

    All I want for Christmas is a rock 'em sock 'em robot shoved forcibly up Pat Robertson's saggy old arse.

  51. BloviateMe

    The Western Front. We were holding our own. They sent many, time after time, wave after wave, but each attack we repelled. It was not without casualty. The bodies were piling up on both sides, but we were slowly, inexorably winning this gut-wrenching war of attrition. Had I only known what was to come. I've heard the song many times, and it seemed so innocuous in its irritating quality. "Grandma got run over by a reindeer." I shudder to think of it now, knowing it was a cautionary tale. A portent of things to come…

    1. BloviateMe

      They came out of nowhere, the battle caribou. Row upon row from our left flank, cutting thru our ranks with jolly efficiency. The bloodlust could be seen in their eyes, cartoonishly lit up from the crimson glow of their leader's nose. We tried to run as they sliced us apart from behind. I knew I was going to die as I stumbled and fell into a pile of the dead. I then half crawled under the pile and remained as still as possible, waiting for death. I felt the hot, fetid breath on my neck. I was all I could do not to scream as the the man's head next to me exploded under the weight of the deer's hooves…

      1. BloviateMe

        The coppery taste of blood was in my mouth, but I don't know if it was my blood, or someone elses. The deer eventually moved on, crushing life from those foolish enough to cry out. It felt like days before they finally left. I waited a long time before I ventured a glance around me. The enemy was gone. I was alone with the piles of dead bodies of my friends, still steaming, their lifeless eyes lamenting my cowardice. I made it to the woods. I am alone, and terrified. I can hear the haunting laughs of the elves off in the distance, but they are getting closer. I tremble, not just from fear, but from the cold. I know it's only a matter of time before the chattering of my teeth gives away my position. The reaper is near…

        1. sati_demise

          but Gumby found him, dear readers, unconscious but alive- and pulled Capt BloviateMe to a lake of warm fudge where he was enfolded in warmth and fell asleep bathed in coco

          Sleep well warrior! tomorrow is another day

  52. fishwharf

    I hate Christmas. I had to fight the urge to abuse the bell ringer in front of my supermarket today.

  53. Simple J Malarkey

    "Daddy, what did you do during the Great Christmas War"

    I proudly served in uniform, at the front, for the entire war — all day Black Friday. Ringing a bell, at the entrance to Walmart. And I kept every last dime tossed in the bucket, all to myself.

    I am a veteran of the Damnation Army.

  54. Biff

    Did the godless bastards get Doktor Corpsman Zoom? I miss my Sundays with the Xtains. Heading to Vegas in a few, so I won't get to read it in real time, guess I'll have to set the recorder…

  55. BadKitty904

    OK, I may as well 'fess up – I love Christmas. I always have and I prolly always will. My whole family loves Christmas and it's a huge deal for us.

    However, for at least the past 3-4 generations it has not been, in *any* way, celebrated as a religious holiday, though my family is fairly religious. Christmas, for us, has always been about Santa, carols, presents, elves, Rudolf, fireworks, the younglings, decorations, food, and, most especially, about family.

    In THAT sense, I dearly love Christmas, intend to celebrate it this year, and hope to celebrate it each year, as best I can, ongoing! :0)

  56. ttommyunger

    Speaking of which: I was forced to attend a kiddie movie with my eleven year old twin grand daughters as usual this Thanksgiving, something about the rise of something. The voice of Alec Baldwin was Santa. Santa's forearms were covered in tats! Are you believing that shit? As if our kids don't have enough bad examples (my forearms are covered in tats) now Santa has joined the effort to lead our kids astray? Seriously, call me a prude, but this is really irresponsible in my opinion. WTF?

  57. dawgeral

    …I must have just passed out, but when I awoke…there were 8 tiny…. – (burp) oh shit!!!
    I've been gift-wrapped during the night..(!!!)…with a giant candy-cane protruding from my…aargle….brgllll….my, my…

  58. fuflans

    i was thinking about going for a classic war-y wilfred owen reference.

    then i reread him.

    can't do it.

    though it's not a bad way to end thanksgiving weekend.

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