ALL QUIET ON THE NORTHERN FRONT  6:34 pm November 23, 2012

Catch-11/23: Being A True and Accurate Account of the Late War On Christmas

by Rich Abdill

Your Fat Man is deadFor real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter.

Ex-PFC Wintergreen was cold. So cold. It seemed so easy to just drift off, but there was fucking Minderbinder screaming in his face, hoisting him over his shoulder, getting him the fuck out of there, man. He could only stare at Milo’s lips, from which no sound issued. The smell of nutmeg had deafened him. He looked down. Where his legs should have been was instead a giant web of cotton candy. He fainted.

The War on Christmas was not spurred by any one event — the long-simmering feud saw the decline of relations every holiday season, with Christmas making significant manger-scene incursions in some years, and lawsuits and injunctions beating it back in others. This year, however, Christmas was caught off-guard by a preemptive strike, an all-out siege declared before any media outlets could interpret innocuous defense of the First Amendment as a move of military aggression.

It started with Wonkette’s godless secular precision strikes on Christmas targets — the first hours of the war saw the obliteration of all major elf workshops and tinsel mines. Heavy casualties on both sides caused immediate efforts to escalate, and soon air strikes cut off all major North Pole supply lines. Initial reports were triumphal.

Early Victories

Surprising allies appeared, as if out of nowhere:

Assume Rudolf Roasted

But that of course made it sound like a video game, when in reality it was all too real. Brigades of spinster aunts armed with fruitcakes, surrounded and sent to FEMA camps. The Mall of America a bloody wasteland of tinsel and curled ribbon. Dead elves fuckin’ EVERYWHERE.

Hermie, the gay elf who only wanted to be a dentist, hated by the Clausites simply because he was “different,” broke from the Clausite ranks and was tragically cut down as he tried to reach secularist lines, becoming the first confirmed martyr among the anti-Christmas forces. Wonkers vowed vengeance. And vengeance they had. Things started to break their way with wave after wave of skyborne punishment. Drones and stuff, you know, like that. Hermie’s sacrifice was not in vain, as his medical bag yielded vital intelligence:

Guantanahohoho

The Wonkette Ministry of Propaganda dominated the social media environment:

Social Media Domination

Bravo Camp was victorious over all Pipers.

The Festivus delegation couldn’t decide whether to join ranks or stay neutral. Neutrality was for pussies; it also got you FEMA camped. You were with Wonkette or against them.

The Pole was running dangerously low on cookies and egg nog. Penguins, in violation of their status as noncombatant observers from the South Pole Neutral Zone, had begun to attack. There were rumors, fed by the cruel anti-Christmas generalix on Twitter, that they would be nuked. Ignoring the North Pole Minister of Propaganda, “Bobsled Bob,” and his reassuring claims that all was well, residents became desperate, and resorted to throwing last year’s toys over the compound walls in an attempt to disappoint the children of the siege with uncool gifts. Though there were myriad elf defections, the situation appeared to be approaching stalemate. It wasn’t always clear where loyalites lay:

(Thanks, SpurningBeer!)

Abominable behavior

Morale of the attackers was waning dangerously, until a company of troops discovered one of the toys launched from the Pole was a Tickle-Me Elmo, which are way grosser now than when they were the coolest toy anyone could have ever wanted. Spurred by fury and mildly creeped out, the attackers stormed the walls, eating their way through the Gumdrop Gate and pushing through the stocking-stuffer barricades of deodorant and Tic-Tacs.

News of Enemy movements was hard to pin down. At one point, Dessert Fox Bill O’Reilly was thought to be unreachable, safe within his Fortress of Falafel in the depths of Bullshit Mountain. Then news came that he had escaped, but did not get away without a stain on his reputation:

Get it? GET IT??

A strike team using two helicopters dropped into the Eagle’s Nest and found Santa Claus (code-name “Fat Man”) cowering behind one of his wives, whom he was using as a human shield, in a spider hole. He was captured and enhanced-interrogationed by the Council for Secular Humanism.

They were going to kill him super-dead, but then Jimmy Carter showed up and convinced them to just cart him around the globe letting people throw shoes at him instead. Then everybody had a Victory Lapdance, for freedom, to the music of the children’s wails. VICTORY! Except for Ex-PFC Wintergreen, who has candy canes for legs now and fucking never shuts up about it. As of press time, Major Major could not be reached for comment.

An uneasy quiet has descended on the malls and shopping websites. While the foe has been vanquished, eternal vigilance remains our watchword.

Nevar Forget!!

[#waronchristmas / @wonkette]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 350 comments }

nounverb911 November 23, 2012 at 6:40 pm

WWJS?*

*Where Would Jeebus Shop?

smokefilledroommate November 23, 2012 at 11:51 pm

A thrift store. Swaddling clothes are all the rage now, thanks to hipsters.

kittensdontlie November 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Most likely a Salvation Army Thrift.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:10 am

Jesus is boycotting Christmas this year.Says all he wants to do is"Hang around Jerusalem for a few days."

yyyaz November 24, 2012 at 8:47 am

WTF? He couldn't wait until Good Friday?

kittensdontlie November 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Trader Joes.

TribecaMike November 24, 2012 at 6:08 pm

The Shekel Store?

smokefilledroommate November 24, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Crazy Eddie's– However, lured by the insanity Jesus refused to purchase anything because he was not a schnook.

cousinitt November 25, 2012 at 1:06 am

Forever 33.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 11:59 am

INBED!”~

ManchuCandidate November 23, 2012 at 6:41 pm

FESTIVUUUUUUUUSS!!!!!!

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:11 am

For the Rest of us!

BerkeleyBear November 23, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Truly, victory is sweet. And a little sticky.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:12 am

Sticky is trying to get Raindeer blood out of your whites.I know it's after Labor day,but who cares.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

INBED!”~

LibrarianX November 23, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Comrade Grassley? I always thought the Hayseed Dullard bit was just a ruse for the Iowa Senator. No one could be THAT idiotically boring.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:15 am

Actually he' a party animal after a few beers,and a heroin injection.

ManchuCandidate November 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. And the enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days as I'm sure Walmart Jeebus will be, fighting with Santa Claus for what Rudolph called possession of my Wallet. There are times since, I've felt like the child born of those two fathers. But, be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to buy again, to sell to others what we can, and to try with what's left of our lives to market to the masses a consumer's meaning to this life.

memzilla November 23, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Nicely adapted! Throw in some recipes, some ponies, some vodka, and some Vicodin, and Editrix might serialize it!

bibliotequetress November 23, 2012 at 7:55 pm

You, sir, are a fucking genius.

memzilla November 23, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Sorry, Manchu, I forgot the soundtrack for your vignette.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:18 am

Global warming will insure Santa will never have a base of operation again.But baby Jesus is still out there,and we should not let our guard down.

ChapterUndVerse November 25, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Pogo Libel!

gullywompr November 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm

We're never going to grow up. You know that, right?

ProgressiveInga November 23, 2012 at 7:29 pm

From your mouth to Allah's ears….

HogeyeGrex November 24, 2012 at 4:42 am

They'll get my immaturity when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:19 am

Classic case of Peter Pan Syndrome.

Beowoof November 24, 2012 at 11:01 pm

It is good know there are kindred spirits here.

memzilla November 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I can't wait for the next installment on the mind-eating horror of Post Traumatic Santa Disorder.

BeccaBlast November 23, 2012 at 8:14 pm

We do need to thank Comrade Pogo for supplying information on the enemy's European Chief of Operations, codename Wenceslas — "his feets were uneven."

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:20 am

Just go to the Mall,They are like the walking dead.Very sad.

Crank_Tango November 23, 2012 at 6:47 pm

I hear that Desert Fox O'rly is holed up in Faloofa right now.

ManchuCandidate November 23, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Driving a Hummus?

HarryButtle November 23, 2012 at 8:23 pm

That magnificent bastard!

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:24 am

I heard Bill O'reilly after leaving Bullshit Mountain complex dressed as a woman is hiding out in Miami working as a cab driver from Pakistan.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

INBED!”~

Callyson November 23, 2012 at 6:50 pm

I wish I could have been there to give an assist to this warrior:

Ridiculing Shoppers in Line on Black Friday at the Entrance of Best Buy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAeMeLhjswQ

ETA: unfortunately, this guy has another video where he goes on about Obamaphones. But this vid is still pretty amusing.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:26 am

ObamaPhones are the hot ticket reason for the season.

editor November 23, 2012 at 6:55 pm

let's not be too hasty. i will feel a lot safer once unlawful enemy combatant o'reilly has been smoked out of his cave.

Barrelhse November 23, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Tell me where to exhale.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:27 am

Bill just needs to be Rickrolled again.

corthylio November 24, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Erasmus B. Dragon? Is that you?

DemmeFatale November 23, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I love the smell of sugar cookies in the morning!

Steverino247 November 23, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Someday this holiday season's going to be over…

corthylio November 24, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Yes, it will have to be over in time for St Valentine's day flowers, cards and candy merchandising.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 23, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Smells like… Diabetes.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:29 am

Taken one for the team kid.There,s a Purple Care bear medal in it for you if you live.

smokefilledroommate November 24, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Just don't take the Ranbaxy Lipitor windowpanes.

TribecaMike November 24, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Give me powdered sugar or give me death!

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

INBED!”~

Mumbletypeg November 23, 2012 at 7:04 pm

"Late" War on Christmas? I'm way ahead of y'all, I've given up shopping for Lent! True enough, Lent arrives earlier every year, ask anyone.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:31 am

That's why you need to empty the Lent trap after every load.

Mumbletypeg November 24, 2012 at 10:40 am

Clothes. Exactly. Everyone's all gettin' their season-change heavier clothing items out of storage for winter — I'm bringing BACK my shorts and iron-on T shirts out of the closet *just* to prove my point, somehow! And look: here in VA we had seventy-degree temperature high yesterday! which surely proves my point, somehow..

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

INBED!”~

facehead November 23, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Why can't every day be Black Friday?

Operation Commercialization Must Succeed!

Come here a minute November 23, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Honey, I stopped twitter following @wonkette for several hours. We all had to sacrifice.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

INBED!”~

Lucidamente1 November 23, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Dessert Fox Bill O’Reilly

Does he come with all the toppings?

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:32 am

No just sour grapes.

Joshua Norton November 23, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Merry Saturnalia, Charlie Brown!!!!

BoatOfVelociraptors November 23, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Io, yo!

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:34 am

Charlie Brown No live here! You stop calling! I *69 nine you.I call Police!

Doktor Zoom November 24, 2012 at 11:01 am

That's the meaning of Christmas, Charlie Brown.

(And then there's the Fundamentalist who borrowed the cartoon and added his own spin. Stop being so pagan, Charlie Brown!)

Joshua Norton November 23, 2012 at 7:17 pm

I like Xmas for the pressies. I like Easter for the chocolate eggs, and I like St. Swithin’s day for the look of total incomprehension on people’s faces when I say what day it is.

Pat_Pending November 23, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Like every May 1st when I celebrate IWW day by hugging a Wobbly. If I can't find a Wobbly I just drink until I get wobbly and hug everybody…

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:35 am

St.Patricks day is my day.Green Beer Yum.

rocktonsam November 23, 2012 at 7:19 pm

isn't it really a war on advent?

PubOption November 23, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Advent doesn't start until December 2nd. I'm not sure what this war is about.

Biff November 23, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Oh man, now you made me miss my old Advent speakers!

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:37 am

The war will not end until Baby Jesus,and Santa are put on War Crime Trials.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

INBED!”~

StealthMuslin November 23, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Let me see your War on Christmas face! AAAAAHHHH!!!!

Steverino247 November 23, 2012 at 8:59 pm

HO HO HO!!!!

Biff November 23, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Now it's only Ho Ho.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:38 am

Lot of HO's here today.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 23, 2012 at 11:42 pm

HOOOORJ! Spidery Santa warfare!

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

INBED!”~

virtualcruiser November 23, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Is it just me, or does the father in the propaganda picture look like H. P. Lovecraft?

DixvilleCrotch November 23, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Wow, you guys are really doing this! Put a Sidewinder up Bill O's ass for me, pretty please? That's all I ask for Festivus.

WITH VOTES I mean.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:40 am

Bill O'reilly would not even notice a sidewinder missile up his ass.Sean Hannity has been tapping that for years.Just look at him definitely a bottom boy.

DixvilleCrotch November 24, 2012 at 11:11 am

I did not know that. But it does sound plausible. The things you learn here!

Radiotherapy November 23, 2012 at 7:21 pm

What I want for the War on Christmas is answers, ANSWERS about the Benghazi cover-up.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:50 am

Is a Benghazi Cover up like some kind of Snuggy?It's so cold here.

Thurman Munster IV November 23, 2012 at 7:23 pm

When Black Friday comes
I'm gonna dig myself a hole
Gonna lay down in it 'til
I satisfy my soul
Gonna let the world pass by me

Mumbletypeg November 23, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Like with Catch-22 references, I have trouble resisting thumb'ing an apropos Steely Dan lyric
*curtsies*

AlterNewt November 23, 2012 at 9:39 pm
Mumbletypeg November 24, 2012 at 11:35 am

I've still got this biography of Fagen & Becker on the shelf; it is dense, who knows when I will get around to finishing it.

AlterNewt November 24, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Thanks. I was unaware of this bio.

Pat_Pending November 23, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Thanks, that's been going thru my head since last night.

sbj1964 November 24, 2012 at 8:51 am

And I thought it was just me.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

INBED!”~

Joshua Norton November 23, 2012 at 7:24 pm

The War on Christmas was not spurred by any one event

Maybe not for you, but receiving a catalogue for "Last minute gift ideas" right after Labor Day had a lot to do with it for me.

a_pink_poodle November 23, 2012 at 7:25 pm

A thousand nations of the Christian empire descend upon you! Our Bible's will blot out of the sun!

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

INBED!”~

BlahAndBlue November 23, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Ooooh, we're warbloggin' AND wartwattin' now?!?!

Naked_Bunny November 23, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Truly, war is hell.

Guppy November 23, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Yes, not enough ass-fucking.

BadassKitty November 24, 2012 at 11:05 am

It's called buttsechs, newb. Also.

Guppy November 25, 2012 at 7:10 am

On the contrary.

We've always been ass-fucking Eurasia.

"Buttsechs" is for those rank amateurs at Jezebel.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

INBED!”~

sudsmckenzie November 23, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Shock and Nog!

BoatOfVelociraptors November 23, 2012 at 11:45 pm

I want to go to a Christmas party dressed head to toe in black, carrying a mug, so that I can hold it forth and say: "Kneel before Nog".

HistoriCat November 24, 2012 at 8:41 am

100% win.

Naked_Bunny November 23, 2012 at 7:28 pm

When can we start the War on Presidential Campaigns?

Biff November 23, 2012 at 8:30 pm

There's a truce until after the inauguration.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

INBED!”~

Mahousu November 23, 2012 at 7:29 pm

So that explains why Hillary Clinton showed up at our house in a heavily-armed diplomatic convoy. We gave her a cup of hot chocolate and a pint of bourbon, which seemed to satisfy her, but I was concerned that we were missing something.

Biff November 23, 2012 at 8:33 pm

3rd Amendment libel!

Steverino247 November 23, 2012 at 9:00 pm

You forgot the solar powered vibrator!

BadKitty904 November 23, 2012 at 11:43 pm

"Forget it, Jake; it's Christmastown."

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

INBED!”~

BlahAndBlue November 23, 2012 at 7:31 pm

We must kill them. We must incinerate them. French hen after French hen… Partridge after Partridge… Christmas village after Christmas village… toy soldier army after toy soldier army…

bibliotequetress November 23, 2012 at 8:02 pm

And one by one, the sugar plum fairies drop lifeless into the orchestra pit.

Toomush_Infer November 24, 2012 at 7:57 am

Sherman's march to the North Pole…

corthylio November 24, 2012 at 1:06 pm

You are making an exemption for Andy Partridge, yes? I know XTC did a coupla Xmas songs, but they also wrote "Dear God"…?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrUUKoz8IM0

PubOption November 23, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Has Ana Marie Cox returned as the Wonkette spokesperson?

shelwood46 November 23, 2012 at 9:51 pm

She has a suspiciously elfin look about her. Are we sure she isn't a mole?

BoatOfVelociraptors November 23, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Gingers have been known to hold wonk ranks.

shelwood46 November 23, 2012 at 11:55 pm

True. This guy doesn't seem too suspicious: http://www.baltimoremagazine.net/people/2012/11/c

Blueb4sinrise November 23, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Never in the field of human blogging was so much owed by so many to so few. All hearts go out to the editirxes, whose brilliant actions we see with our own eyes day after day; but we must never forget that all the time, night after night, month after month, our tweeters tweet far into suburbia, find their targets in the darkness by the highest GPS skill, aim their snark, often under the heaviest whining, often with serious loss of p-ness, with deliberate careful discrimination, and inflict shattering blows upon the whole of the technical and war-making structure of the Christmas power.

Also, buttsechs!

Both Sides Do It November 23, 2012 at 7:53 pm

What's this war at the heart of Christmas? Why does this holiday vie with itself?

Is there an avenging power in Santa? Not one power, but two?

Does Rudolph's ruin benefit the Earth? Cause the grass to grow, or the sun to shine? Is this darkness on Christmas Eve in you, too? Have you passed through this night?

This great evil . . . where's it come from? Robbing us of candy canes and icicle lights. Mocking us with the sights of manger scenes we could have known. Preventing us from reaching out, and . . . touching the glory.

Bill O'Reilly: "Are you righteous? Kind? Does your confidence lie in this? . . . Do you imagine your sufferings will be less because you loved goodness? Truth?"

Steverino247 November 23, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Now you get up there and charge that credit card, Staros. Do you hear me?

Tommmcatt_Again November 23, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Good acid, huh?

Groovy.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

INBED!”~

bibliotequetress November 23, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Did we bomb the rail lines to Walmart?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 23, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Strafe the shopping carts with snowballs! Stab the plastic bags with icicles!

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

INBED!”~

barto November 23, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Reports of O'Reilly's unit taking heavy gumdrop fire coming in from Santa Claus Lane (in Carpinteria, CA).

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

INBED!”~

Guppy November 23, 2012 at 7:57 pm

This polyvinyl infant Christ was made across the sea,
Its glorious LED lights transfigure you and me:
As He died to make men holy, let us que for free TVs,
While Fox News prattles on!

Put the "Christ" back into "Christmas!"
Put the "Christ" back into "Christmas!"
Put the "Christ" back into "Christmas!"
While Fox News prattles on!

DemmeFatale November 23, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I did a version of this many years ago, when Anita Bryant was getting a lot of press for her anti homosexual stuff:

Glory, glory hallelujah.
Aniiiita Bryant, what's it to ya?
Christ would shudder if he knew you,
Gay rights keep marching on!

(I know it's crappy, but I was only 16.)

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

INBED!”~

bibliotequetress November 23, 2012 at 7:57 pm

My last post is as tasteless as I will ever get.*

*Probably.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 23, 2012 at 9:05 pm

*Hopes not.*

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 23, 2012 at 7:59 pm

For which side does Burgermeister Meisterburger fight?

HistoriCat November 24, 2012 at 8:49 am

He's one percenter, so he doesn't fight, just encourages others to fight for his amusement.

FeloniousMonk November 23, 2012 at 8:08 pm

What? It's over? That's it? I was looking forward to putting on my armchair general's uniform, settling down in my armchair general's armchair, and watching brave young Wonketeers die in pointless assaults on Bullshit Mountain. Then watching the others come back, the armless, the p-less, the blind and insane. And it's done before December is even here?
Never mind, I get it it now. It's another "mission accomplished" joke. (Brushes off epaulettes, whistling happily.)

Doktor Zoom November 23, 2012 at 8:19 pm

We'll probably be taken surprised by the bargain-counter insurgency

BoatOfVelociraptors November 23, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Operation stocking stuffer? I can't wait to read the Patraeus field manual on that!

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

INBED!”~

Rotundo_ November 23, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Hwy 136 south of Dyersville? No toy tractors for the little Christianists this year. Did they take out the Field of Dreams baseball diamond too?

gullywompr November 23, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Was this really a war, or just a squirmish?

Pat_Pending November 23, 2012 at 8:22 pm

More of a squeamish, but I split hairs.

Toomush_Infer November 24, 2012 at 8:01 am

Which hairs?…

Biff November 24, 2012 at 9:14 am

Perhaps the proverbial RCH…

bibliotequetress November 23, 2012 at 10:25 pm

It may be a police action unauthorized by any parliamentiary considerations. Or just some whomp-ass.

BeccaBlast November 23, 2012 at 8:18 pm

And our eternal thanks to the crew of the USS Colorado, who knew a lawful order when they saw it and obliterated Whoville to cover the Grinch's escape….

Pat_Pending November 23, 2012 at 8:21 pm

PUTTIN' THE MISSILES IN THE MISTLETOE!!!

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

INBED!”~

smokefilledroommate November 23, 2012 at 8:39 pm

And now Rudolph has the thousand-yard stare..

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

INBED!”~

oenspiek November 23, 2012 at 8:49 pm

What, the war to end xmas is already won? Can we haz war crimes trials nao, plz?

BZ1 November 23, 2012 at 8:53 pm

For that war on Christmas, I know a general who's not doing too much right now …

fartknocker November 23, 2012 at 8:53 pm

So what the fuck I am going to do with my 3 french hens and 2 turtledoves?

OT: The Republicans are starting to realize Grover Norquist policy is full of shit
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/20/us/politics/gro

glasspusher November 24, 2012 at 11:51 am

Nice. What a fucking tool.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

INBED!”~

AlterNewt November 23, 2012 at 8:57 pm

IN WAR: Resolution
IN DEFEAT: Defiance
IN VICTORY: Magnanimity
IN PEACE: Buttsecs

GorzoTheMighty November 23, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Claus doesn't surf! OMG back in the shit at the northpole again

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

INBED!”~

cybermoe November 23, 2012 at 9:31 pm

All I want for Xmas is for Breitbart to still be dead. I don't even need a fuckin' bow to wrap it up.

Doktor Zoom November 24, 2012 at 12:13 am

It's the simplest gifts that mean the most.

kittensdontlie November 24, 2012 at 9:47 am

His autopsy results were just released. Primary cause of death: votes.

ttommyunger November 23, 2012 at 9:36 pm

I don't know, but I've been told,
Eskimo pussy's mighty cold.
If I die on the Russian Front,
Bury me in a Russian cunt.
Pin my wings upon my chest,
Tell my mom I done my best…..Old Paratrooper marching chant.

James Michael Curley November 24, 2012 at 4:10 am

Sound off, 1 ,2
Sound off, 7, 4
Sound off, 9, 3, 6, 2 .. 1, 1.

The Marine version.

ttommyunger November 24, 2012 at 7:14 am

Yeah, your other left, dummy!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

Steverino247 November 24, 2012 at 9:35 am

See my take off on the "Yellow Bird" song, below.

Doktor Zoom November 23, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Hey, man, you don't talk to Santa. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll… uh… well, you'll say "Merry Christmas" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "You better not pout. You better not cry. You better watch out, I'm tellin' you why!"… I mean I'm… no, I can't… I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's… he's a great man! I should have been a vision of sugarplums, man…

gullywompr November 23, 2012 at 9:59 pm

"Never get out of the sleigh." Absolutely goddamn right! Unless you were goin' all the way… Santa got off the sleigh. He split from the whole fuckin' program.

C_R_Eature November 23, 2012 at 10:40 pm

We train young men to sell Fruitcake to people. But their Supervisors won't allow them to write "Fuck" on their order slips because… it's Obscene!

BoatOfVelociraptors November 23, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Did you know that lid is the middle word in holiday?
If you can keep your sack when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you?

Sharkey November 24, 2012 at 1:05 am

So what does "Ho ho ho!" REALLY mean?

C_R_Eature November 24, 2012 at 7:57 am

"Ho Ho Ho Chi Minh!

Of course.

HogeyeGrex November 24, 2012 at 5:59 am

Svalbard… shit; I'm still only in Svalbard…

MosesInvests November 24, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Mistah Claus-he dead.

JustPixelz November 23, 2012 at 9:46 pm

During this time of #waronchristmas, we must remember our patriotic duty to shop. As Dubya Bush put it:

We cannot let [them] achieve the objective of frightening our nation to the point where we don’t — where we don’t conduct business, where people don’t shop.

Dudleydidwrong November 23, 2012 at 9:58 pm

So the war is over and I can come out of my 1960s bomb shelter where I had stocked up on tinsel, a metal christmas tree, and bubble lights. But what I really want to know: can I ever again sit on Santa's lap?
http://i.istockimg.com/file_thumbview_approve/775

Doktor Zoom November 24, 2012 at 12:12 am

I saw my baby wearin' Santa's beard.

amoamas November 23, 2012 at 9:59 pm

First they came for the Jew …

Wait.

Toomush_Infer November 24, 2012 at 8:08 am

Yeah – and Hannakah can kiss my ass, too…

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 11:05 pm

But, Hanukkah is multiple days of gift-getting. I think we should reconsider.

corthylio November 24, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Besides, we may NEED those Maccabees…

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 11:39 pm

And, they may also help us combat global warming. We must find out the technology they had that enabled them to make their fuel last for as long as it did.

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 8:47 pm

'Tis true, 'tis true. The Maccabees will cut a bitch.

bibliotequetress November 23, 2012 at 10:26 pm

It was the War To End All Wars. Until Easter.

kittensdontlie November 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm

But will the Wonkette Nation be able to stomach another war? With a good French recipe like Rabbit Terrine with Green Olives and Pistachios, I think we will be fine.

bibliotequetress November 23, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Based on that picture and a guess or two about your gender, you can sit in Santa's lap.

C_R_Eature November 23, 2012 at 10:28 pm

By the rude Blog that arched the Web,
Their flag to Winter's breeze unfurl'd;
Here once the embattl'd Wonketts stood,
And fired the snark heard round the world.

bibliotequetress November 23, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Hermie and David Sedaris are my two favorite gay elves.

Toomush_Infer November 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Well, God rest those merry gentlemen…

P71 November 23, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Gimme eat.

Negropolis November 23, 2012 at 10:40 pm

ROTFLMAO!

I hear that there are bloggers reporting that a fat man disguised in women's clothing is being detained at Bellingham along the U.S.-Canadian border, so maybe the guy we caught earlier was an imposter.

GeorgiaBurning November 24, 2012 at 2:33 am

You can never be sure. The Fat Man has doubles everywhere, and they have secret identities you don't expect. That guy in Bellingham could be a double, the real one, or just an innocent drag queen from Nanaimo headed south for a cheaper airline flight

Doktor Zoom November 24, 2012 at 3:50 am

Can't fool the Fat Man

Toomush_Infer November 24, 2012 at 8:08 am

I've said it before: he knows when you are sleeping…

johnnyzhivago November 23, 2012 at 11:03 pm

OT Question: In the north pole do elves get some kind of Civil Union benefits or not?

FeloniousMonk November 24, 2012 at 12:27 am

5-year-old self: Well, there's …. 59-year-old-self: No, you can't make me say that! The shame … 5-year-old: Aw, come on … Both: There's the National Elf Service!

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

INBED!”~

mosjef November 23, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Twas the war before Christmas and all through the heavens
Reindeer were mowed down with AK-47s
The stockings were hung all over the house
And OReilly was hung like a circumcised mouse
When what to my wondering eyes did appear
But O'Reilly with loofahs stuck out of his rear
His eyes how they drooped, tears filled to the brim
In hopes that Dick Morris would Dick more of him
Now Dahmer, Now Manson, Now Romney and Limbaugh
On Comet, On Ajax, On Dandruff, Wolf Blitzen
A little old driver, a sleigh full of toys
With clearly an unnatural fondness for boys
But secular war and pretend indignation
Is useful to fire up dopey Fox Nation
The stump of a pipe Santa held in his face
As crack smoke set off alarms in the place
I heard him mutter under his breath, "Oh shit.
That jackass O'Reilly is full of it."
I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight
"Tell Hannity I'd kick his ass in a fight."

BoatOfVelociraptors November 24, 2012 at 12:00 am

A season's blessing of ho's and upfists be upon ye, good sir.

Negropolis November 23, 2012 at 11:09 pm

We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in the North Pole, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our homeland, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches of Hudson Bay, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the mossen tundra fields and in the snow-swept alleys, we shall fight in the Arctic Circle; we shall never surrender! Huzzah!

BadKitty904 November 23, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Ha! Crazy-ass minds think alike…(see below)

Negropolis November 23, 2012 at 11:10 pm

So this is the reason for Obama's weather machine. He's trying to melt them out, reduce the glaciers and drown those filthy terrorist elves.

DahBoner November 23, 2012 at 11:10 pm

ASSUME RUDOLF DRUNK

not that Dewey November 23, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Heard of a van that's loaded with weapons,
Packed up and ready to go.

C_R_Eature November 23, 2012 at 11:33 pm

High on a hillside, trucks are loading
Everything's ready to roll,
I sleep in the daytime, I work in the night time
I might not ever get home

Doktor Zoom November 24, 2012 at 12:06 am

This ain't no party!
This ain't Kris Kringle!
This ain't no foolin' around!
No time for presents
Or spicy cider
I ain't got time for that now.

C_R_Eature November 24, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Hey, you're really good at this!

If you haven't read it already, you should check out Harlan Ellison's short story "Santa Claus Vs. S.P.I.D.E.R." He turns Santa into a James Bond character who fights politicians taken over by evil alien brain parasites, as only Ellison can.
I read it in an old December edition of Fantasy & Science Fiction and it was accompanied by truly grotesque Gahan Wilson cover art. I think he's anthologized it.

Doktor Zoom November 24, 2012 at 12:09 am

Heh.. comment from the YouTube clip from Stop Making Sense:

"Little known fact: The cocaine that fueled and helped define what the 80's were, was actually made up of little particles of David Byrne.."

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:03 pm

INBED!”~

BaldarTFlagass November 23, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Needz moar Edward R. Murrow.

BadKitty904 November 23, 2012 at 11:52 pm

"This is Santa's Village calling…"

smokefilledroommate November 24, 2012 at 12:17 am

"Good night, and good luck."

BadKitty904 November 23, 2012 at 11:53 pm

But if we fail, then the whole world, including other liberal blogs, including all that we have known and cared for, will sink into the abyss of a new dark age made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted holidays. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if Wonkette and its Wonkville last for a thousand years, men will still say, “This was their finest hour.”

BaldarTFlagass November 23, 2012 at 11:55 pm

"The lamps are going out in Walmarts all over America, we shall not see them lit again in our time."

If we're lucky.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:03 pm

INBED!”~

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 24, 2012 at 12:10 am

Has the War on Xmas ended already? When do we play the Ewoks' jub jub song?

Doktor Zoom November 24, 2012 at 12:20 am

Sure! You don't mind if it's the Barbershop version, do you?

smokefilledroommate November 24, 2012 at 12:37 am

I hear these people also do a mean homage.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 24, 2012 at 12:52 am

I hear they do a mean BBQ also.

viennawoods13 November 24, 2012 at 10:31 pm

This springs to mind.

BadKitty904 November 24, 2012 at 12:31 am

Only if we get to do the dance, too.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 24, 2012 at 12:46 am

The clip Dok posted desperately needs a dance mix.

Wile E. Quixote November 24, 2012 at 12:13 am

This Claus guy? He's wacko man! He's worse than crazy. He's evil. It's It's fuckin' pagan idolatry. Look around you. Shit! He's loco… I ain't afraid of all them fuckin' elves and reindeer and snowmen and shit. I used to think if I died in an evil place, then my soul wouldn't be able to make it to Heaven. But now? Fuck! I mean, I don't care where it goes, as long as it ain't the North Pole. So whaddya wanna do? I'll kill the fuck.

Doktor Zoom November 24, 2012 at 12:18 am

Charging a man with profiteering during the War On Christmas was like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500.

Wile E. Quixote November 24, 2012 at 12:20 am

I don't say this very often, but take me now you stallion!

Doktor Zoom November 24, 2012 at 12:31 am

Dude, I'm THERE

smokefilledroommate November 24, 2012 at 12:43 am

Bronies!

slowhansolo November 24, 2012 at 12:33 am

Just look at it, gentlemen. How calm… how peaceful it is. A strip of water between the godless and this creche on public land… between the Secularists and us. But beyond that peaceful horizon… a monster waits. A coiled spring of men, ships, and planes… straining to be released against us. But, gentlemen, not a single Secularist soldier shall reach the shore. Whenever and wherever this invasion may come, gentlemen… I shall destroy the enemy there, at the water's edge. Believe me, gentlemen, the first 24 hours of the invasion will be decisive. For the Secularists well as the Christianists, it will be the longest day… The longest day.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:03 pm

INBED!”~

not that Dewey November 24, 2012 at 12:41 am

BREAKING NEWS Two people shot at Florida Walmart Black Friday event. Nobody is surprised.

FeloniousMonk November 24, 2012 at 1:05 am

And treated for *non life-threatening wounds*. C'mon, just a little friendly warning for tresp… I can't do this any more. It's my belief that the NRA was the target of a very successful deep cover infiltration in the 60's or 70's. The object was simple: adopt positions so bizarre that the people would gag, and be more receptive to a few mild gun control measures. The perpetrators were horrified to discover that they couldn't say anything sufficiently batshit that their members wouldn't lap it up. They've been cranking it up ever since, way past 11, and it still doesn't work. May God have mercy on their souls.

not that Dewey November 24, 2012 at 9:22 am

Meh. They were probably just standing their ground.

C_R_Eature November 24, 2012 at 5:20 am

An Armed Society is a Polite Punctured Society.

Biff November 24, 2012 at 9:44 am

“I don’t think that it had anything to do with merchandise,” said one shopper, Kollet Probst, who huddled in a restroom with other shoppers after hearing gunfire. “It was so odd and unprovoked that it just doesn’t seem like it was a Black Friday mob.”

That's how we get 'em, lull 'em into complacency, then they don't even know what hit 'em.

not that Dewey November 24, 2012 at 12:52 am

One if by hoverround, two if by sight-seeing bus.

smokefilledroommate November 24, 2012 at 2:31 am

and I in the opposite parking lot shan't fuss
But I'm ready to cry and spread the alarm
that all middlesex villages and farms
are now WalMarts.

not that Dewey November 24, 2012 at 10:42 am

Till in the silence around him he hears
The muster of crowds at the shopping mall door,
The sound of carts, and the tramp of feet,
And the measured sighs of the cashiers,
Dropping down to their knees on the floor

AlterNewt November 24, 2012 at 1:41 am

My dearest Imogene,

Doubtless by now you will have been notified by the Foreign Office that we are mobilizing all U.K. Nationals here at the L.A. Consulate. Don't worry darling, we have the situation well in hand. SIS and GCHQ are sending us hourly updates on this "Twenty-fifth of December" group. They are a nasty bunch, but we shall flush them from their nests. Be brave my darling and kiss the children for me. KBO.

Yours,
Reginald

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 1:58 am

How are the field hospitals holding up? I'm hearing that there has been an influx of candy cane-related injuries.

There is also word coming in that rogue factions of the North Polean Army have escaped en route to Iceland. The plan is to start back up the X-box factories, which produce Weapons of Mass Distraction, but first they must procure rare earth elements from Communist China. Our intelligence thus far on the stance of Bjork's fairy and imp defencefroce is spotty, though. This is far from over.

weejee November 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Panda Santa has moved to take over the USPS. Must put on our Nikes 등록 상표 Union Made™ boots, go postal, and stamp this out.

BarackMyWorld November 24, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Speaking of candy cane injuries…my senior year of high school someone had the brilliant idea to sell penis-size candy cane sticks as a fund raiser, followed by another more brilliant idea to buy them as gifts for attractive girls, followed by an even more brilliant idea to encourage the girls to suck on the candy cane sticks in the presence of teenage boys and pervy male teachers.

trampndirtdown November 24, 2012 at 2:07 am

We few. We happy few. We band of brothers. For he who twitters his tweets with me today, be the alcohol level in his blood higher than legally allowed shall be my brother.

smokefilledroommate November 24, 2012 at 2:11 am

Hey, bro.

BenGleck November 24, 2012 at 2:26 pm

A-men!

GeorgiaBurning November 24, 2012 at 2:50 am

Don't think this is over. The internet may be silent but there's plenty of elven chatter on the usual Claus satellite frequencies and the ULR-227 system in my garage (great Loral surplus buy!) is going crazy with all the stuff heading south. Not over by a long shot.

HogeyeGrex November 24, 2012 at 5:06 am

"How can you shoot elves and reindeer?"
"Easy! Ya just don't lead 'em so much! Ain't war hell?"

DerrickWildcat November 24, 2012 at 5:23 am

The Ramadan Tree is in place. I repeat, the Ramadan Tree is in place.
Operation Santa Strike initiated.
Agent Wildcat out.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:03 pm

INBED!”~

Jus_Wonderin November 24, 2012 at 7:35 am

So sorry. I have been AWOL.

BarackMyWorld November 24, 2012 at 8:09 am

I expected more resistance, but those kids armed with Red Rider BB Guns just shot their own eyes out.

Toomush_Infer November 24, 2012 at 8:18 am

Snark off – I'm just mourning Hermie today – he just wanted to fix teeth, all he ever really desired…

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:03 pm

INBED!”~

C_R_Eature November 24, 2012 at 8:25 am

AFTER ACTION REPORT
W.O.C. COASTAL/MARINE CAMPAIGN

The "Voter Registration" Front Group Cephalopods for Obama was highly successful in recruiting Maritime Fast-Attack Assets. These were quite effective in interdicting major Port Operations nationwide and capturing or delaying several Super Post-Panamax container ships. The resultant interruption of the Wal-Mart supply chain from China lead to the consumer riots we are all familiar with.

Our Combined Species Land-Sea Operation progressed better than expected, capturing or neutralizing Elf "Christmas Village" strongholds all along the Coastal areas. Elf assets were cleared from Harbor and rail heads along the East and West coasts in record time, in spite of pockets of fierce resistance within "Historic Districts" and a few Malls. Elements of the 19th Volunteer Division secured airfields in the New York Metro area and a squidron came within 5 minutes of capturing "Target S.C." at JFK as his Sleigh conveyance lifted off.

The notable exception to this success is the ill-planned aquatics only amphibious invasion of Fishery Harbor districts in the Northeast. We hold the commanding officer, General Pulpo, directly responsible for the total loss of our Expeditionary Force and would recommend Courts-Martial if he had survived.

HQ did, however receive many nice "Thank You" cards, most written in Portuguese, for the "Christmas Miracle".

Lagoon Marshal CRE

Blueb4sinrise November 24, 2012 at 11:08 am

I heard that there might be video………..

C_R_Eature November 24, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Sadly, because of the indiscriminate use of Electromagnetic Pulse weapons by the Elves, to cover their retreat, all of our dash, helmet and MantleCams were slagged. We're working on the hard drives to attempt to recover some data. So far, we only have a few screen caps: One of the Amphibious assault on L.L.Bean and this still of a battle in San Diego where no one really can understand what is going on.

BadKitty904 November 24, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Here’s a photo of a field operative, cleverly disguised in seasonal camouflage…
http://www.veniceflorida.com/features/images/xmas

C_R_Eature November 24, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Hey, that's Carl! He's one of our best.

AlterNewt November 24, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Are you sure that isn't Doug? I thought for sure it was Doug.

BarackMyWorld November 24, 2012 at 8:29 am
Biff November 24, 2012 at 9:30 am

Friendly fire, no doubt. The guy was a dick for a neighbor, I tell you what.

sundaytrucker November 24, 2012 at 8:44 am

Doesn't anyone have a photo of Iraqis toppling a Christmas tree?

Steverino247 November 24, 2012 at 9:33 am

A jolly elf
With a beard of white
Was lurking 'round
On Christmas Night.
I lured him in
With some pumpkin bread,
And then I crushed his FUCKING HEAD

Steverino247 November 24, 2012 at 9:50 am

He who hath no stomach for this Black Friday Sale, let him depart!

Toomush_Infer November 24, 2012 at 10:29 am

How many people have to get shot in the eye with a bb gun for us to realize the futility of this endless engagement?…

Radiotherapy November 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

Valor….Kwanzai!
Battle….Kwanzai!
Victory….Kwanzai!

weejee November 24, 2012 at 11:42 am

Now that Panda Santa has been shoed from the stage. If anyone is still going to take their last two Ameros to get that something special for their sweetie, or kids, or grandbabies, how about something made in the USA, USA, USA?

♪♫ The bells go jingo, jango, jingle ♫♪

/ honor the Walmart picket linez too, also

Radiotherapy November 24, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Yes, YES Weej, I've been pushing a Made in USA War on Xmas for twenty years– that or a Ken Layne Style minimalist Christmas or make things yourself. It was a lonely battle. But it's good to know there is some reinforcements coming over the hill.

Here's a good company.

BaldarTFlagass November 24, 2012 at 11:46 am

Wal-Spartaaaaaaaaa!

glasspusher November 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Yesterday I was reliving some PTSD working behind the counter on Black Friday, 20 years ago. Nevar Ferget!

HistoriCat November 24, 2012 at 1:54 pm

The horror!

BadKitty904 November 24, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Were there no prisons? And the Union workhouses? The treadmill and the Poor Law were in full vigour, then?

DixvilleCrotch November 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

OT: can you guys do a wacky and yet somehow wistfully poignant piece on the "Christmas Lights Gangnam Style" house down in Texas? I'll buy some panties from the Wonkette Gift Shoppe if you do, to make it "worth it."

Dr_Zoidberg November 24, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I wish to let everyone know that I, personally, took out an entire platoon of Christmas cookies.

Blueb4sinrise November 24, 2012 at 2:23 pm
bibliotequetress November 24, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Yep. And I read "Front Row Center with Thaddeus Bristol" at least once during the holidays, usually after I've ODed on pics of 6 year olds dressed as Wise Men.

dawgeral November 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Although disabled during the Maunday Thursday Wars, I was still able to do my part. Took my father's Billy Bass off the wall and shot it. I'm now in hiding…and running low on supplies. Twinkling lights have appeared in the trees and I

Blueb4sinrise November 24, 2012 at 2:27 pm

DAWG!!!
DAWG!!!
COME IN DAWG!!!

[damn-it]

Biff November 24, 2012 at 5:06 pm
not that Dewey November 24, 2012 at 2:01 pm

DINAH THE CHRISTMAS WHORE LIBEL!

cheetojeebus November 24, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I got this.
Loadin' up a candy cane striped, brown sugar sprinkled, Poinsetta enhanced, enriched fruitcake loaded idiot seeking cruise mistle of christmas that should waste their asses.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:03 pm

INBED!”~

BenGleck November 24, 2012 at 2:20 pm

But the hangover the next day was a bitch, right?

sati_demise November 24, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Oh, you think you won the war?
I have news for you all; you just won one battle.

Word from the street is Santa has gone underground, in a workshop somewhere, and has a battalion of elves working on a top secret project.

TribecaMike November 24, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Dude's gone Colonel Kurtz. Terminate with extreme prejudice.

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 11:14 pm

My god! Could it be? The fat bastard is manufacturing deadly custard gas beneath the pole!

Be prepared for all-out (and delicious) chemical and confectionary warfare.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:03 pm

INBED!”~

dawgeral November 24, 2012 at 3:09 pm

This may be the last transmission, but in my sugar-induced delirium I am seeing a magnificent portion of…yes..spaghetti…hovering above me – so close I can nearly reach up and touch it. It's glowing. There are two, beautiful meatballs (almost like "eyes", fer christsake! -)…and I…and I think…I hear…

HistoriCat November 24, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Stay with me, man – STAY WITH ME!!

AlterNewt November 24, 2012 at 4:00 pm

"An elf's duty is to offer himself to die."

~Napoleon

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 11:10 pm

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his elvin friends."

~ Tundra Jesus

AlterNewt November 24, 2012 at 11:46 pm

My 3rd favorite Jesus.

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 11:54 pm

I'm almost afraid to ask who the other two are. Almost.

AlterNewt November 25, 2012 at 12:06 am

1.) Giant Concrete Rio Jesus
2.) 80s Coke Dealer Jesus

Walkinwiddaking November 24, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Ex-PFC Wintergreen wouldn't give a fuck what Milo thought. You meant Snowden.

MosesInvests November 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Ou sont les Niegeons d'antan?

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:04 pm

INBED!”~

weejee November 24, 2012 at 4:35 pm

This may not be over, 'til Roger sayz it's over. Faux Newz spittle cannons, in 3, 2, 1…

BadKitty904 November 24, 2012 at 5:04 pm
Beowoof November 24, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Damn I missed Black Friday again, went to Toronto for the Who concert. They play pretty well for old guys.

weejee November 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Wasn't Keith Moon a little stiff?

yyyaz November 24, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Yeah, but Zombie Keith Moon was unfucking real. Until his left hand started to slough off, that is. He kept going, though, and really made the radius-ulna WAKwok thing work. It was beautiful, man.

Beowoof November 24, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Yeah but Entwhistle covered for him.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:04 pm

INBED!”~

BadKitty904 November 24, 2012 at 5:54 pm

BadKitty is prepared to do his part!
http://rubmint.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/

GeorgiaBurning November 25, 2012 at 2:20 am

Stand tall, BadKitty, we will need you.

TribecaMike November 24, 2012 at 6:14 pm

"I shall return." — General Madalyn Murray O'Hair

SaintRond November 24, 2012 at 7:19 pm

It's not all fun and games, smart asses. On March 16, 2012, Wonkette's War Against Christmas resulted in the mass murder of between 347 and 504 unarmed civilians in the North Pole by members of Wonkette's "Charlie" Company of the 2st Batalion, 20th Infantry Regiment of the Americal Division. Most of the victims were women, children, infants and elderly dwarfs. Some of the female dwarfs were gang-raped and their bodies were later found to be mutilated and many of them were raped prior to the killings. While 26 Wonkette soldiers were initially charged with criminal offenses at Franz Josif Land, only one platoon leader in Charlie Company, was convicted. Found guilty of killing 22 villagers, she was originally given a life sentence, but was released a few months later and put under house arrest and will serve only three and a half years in toto.

Biff November 24, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Post-mortem rape is illegitimate rape, duh!

BadKitty904 November 24, 2012 at 7:39 pm

*looks at Weedlord* …

SaintRond November 24, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Looking at my non existent faves, I guess it's still too soon to be waxing satirical about My Lai.

TribecaMike November 24, 2012 at 8:34 pm

In Toto's whaaaaat?

corthylio November 24, 2012 at 11:25 pm

I have a feeling she's not in Toto anymore…

SaintRond November 24, 2012 at 7:26 pm

In such cases, a woman's body has ways to shut down pregnancy.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:04 pm

INBED!”~

TribecaMike November 24, 2012 at 8:06 pm

All I want for Christmas is a rock 'em sock 'em robot shoved forcibly up Pat Robertson's saggy old arse.

BadKitty904 November 24, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Ew.

BloviateMe November 24, 2012 at 8:16 pm

The Western Front. We were holding our own. They sent many, time after time, wave after wave, but each attack we repelled. It was not without casualty. The bodies were piling up on both sides, but we were slowly, inexorably winning this gut-wrenching war of attrition. Had I only known what was to come. I've heard the song many times, and it seemed so innocuous in its irritating quality. "Grandma got run over by a reindeer." I shudder to think of it now, knowing it was a cautionary tale. A portent of things to come…

BloviateMe November 24, 2012 at 8:18 pm

They came out of nowhere, the battle caribou. Row upon row from our left flank, cutting thru our ranks with jolly efficiency. The bloodlust could be seen in their eyes, cartoonishly lit up from the crimson glow of their leader's nose. We tried to run as they sliced us apart from behind. I knew I was going to die as I stumbled and fell into a pile of the dead. I then half crawled under the pile and remained as still as possible, waiting for death. I felt the hot, fetid breath on my neck. I was all I could do not to scream as the the man's head next to me exploded under the weight of the deer's hooves…

BloviateMe November 24, 2012 at 8:19 pm

The coppery taste of blood was in my mouth, but I don't know if it was my blood, or someone elses. The deer eventually moved on, crushing life from those foolish enough to cry out. It felt like days before they finally left. I waited a long time before I ventured a glance around me. The enemy was gone. I was alone with the piles of dead bodies of my friends, still steaming, their lifeless eyes lamenting my cowardice. I made it to the woods. I am alone, and terrified. I can hear the haunting laughs of the elves off in the distance, but they are getting closer. I tremble, not just from fear, but from the cold. I know it's only a matter of time before the chattering of my teeth gives away my position. The reaper is near…

TribecaMike November 24, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Evidently, all's not so quiet on the western front.

sati_demise November 24, 2012 at 11:46 pm

but Gumby found him, dear readers, unconscious but alive- and pulled Capt BloviateMe to a lake of warm fudge where he was enfolded in warmth and fell asleep bathed in coco

Sleep well warrior! tomorrow is another day

Toomush_Infer November 25, 2012 at 11:10 am

Jolly efficiency….still glowing…

fishwharf November 24, 2012 at 8:49 pm

I hate Christmas. I had to fight the urge to abuse the bell ringer in front of my supermarket today.

dawgeral November 25, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Good thing! Bell-ringers love abuse. It's why they do what they do!

viennawoods13 November 24, 2012 at 10:39 pm

What? Nobody referenced The Night the Reindeer Died???

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Christmas was an inside job!

cousinitt November 24, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Why the HELL hasn't "The War On Christmas," by Wonkette, been nominated for a Newbery Award yet!!1!!

corthylio November 25, 2012 at 12:02 am

If the War Against Xmas is won, does that mean it's time for a rematch of the Boxer Rebellion?

Wile E. Quixote November 25, 2012 at 1:29 am

OK, this is fabulous. And I just want to know where were all of these hot guys when I was in the military.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed

Simple J Malarkey November 25, 2012 at 1:44 am

"Daddy, what did you do during the Great Christmas War"

I proudly served in uniform, at the front, for the entire war — all day Black Friday. Ringing a bell, at the entrance to Walmart. And I kept every last dime tossed in the bucket, all to myself.

I am a veteran of the Damnation Army.

GeorgiaBurning November 25, 2012 at 2:25 am
not that Dewey November 25, 2012 at 9:29 am
BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 10:14 am

What he said.

T3rbo November 25, 2012 at 2:39 am

boring and lazy. but enough about me, let's talk about this post by no-one that was read by the author

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 4:29 am

Wha?

Biff November 25, 2012 at 9:29 am

My Dog, war is hell!

Biff November 25, 2012 at 9:41 am

Did the godless bastards get Doktor Corpsman Zoom? I miss my Sundays with the Xtains. Heading to Vegas in a few, so I won't get to read it in real time, guess I'll have to set the recorder…

BadKitty904 November 25, 2012 at 10:30 am

OK, I may as well 'fess up – I love Christmas. I always have and I prolly always will. My whole family loves Christmas and it's a huge deal for us.

However, for at least the past 3-4 generations it has not been, in *any* way, celebrated as a religious holiday, though my family is fairly religious. Christmas, for us, has always been about Santa, carols, presents, elves, Rudolf, fireworks, the younglings, decorations, food, and, most especially, about family.

In THAT sense, I dearly love Christmas, intend to celebrate it this year, and hope to celebrate it each year, as best I can, ongoing! :0)

Toomush_Infer November 25, 2012 at 11:24 am

You peaceniks really get my goat….hit that foxhole running, grunt….

ttommyunger November 25, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Speaking of which: I was forced to attend a kiddie movie with my eleven year old twin grand daughters as usual this Thanksgiving, something about the rise of something. The voice of Alec Baldwin was Santa. Santa's forearms were covered in tats! Are you believing that shit? As if our kids don't have enough bad examples (my forearms are covered in tats) now Santa has joined the effort to lead our kids astray? Seriously, call me a prude, but this is really irresponsible in my opinion. WTF?

dawgeral November 25, 2012 at 12:34 pm

…I must have just passed out, but when I awoke…there were 8 tiny…. – (burp) oh shit!!!
I've been gift-wrapped during the night..(!!!)…with a giant candy-cane protruding from my…aargle….brgllll….my, my…

lulzmonger November 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm

$CR00G3 1S GR00VY K1LL TH3 J0LLY 0LD 3LF

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:04 pm

INBED!”~

fuflans November 25, 2012 at 8:19 pm

i was thinking about going for a classic war-y wilfred owen reference.

then i reread him.

can't do it.

though it's not a bad way to end thanksgiving weekend.

Mumbletypeg November 26, 2012 at 12:04 pm

INBED!”~

Doktor Zoom November 24, 2012 at 12:53 am

I have accidentally stumbled upon the "Eye of Argon" for Pony fanfic. Sadly, it appears to be deliberately bad, not sincerely inept.

corthylio November 25, 2012 at 12:06 am

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Don't worry about me- I'm fine here in the dark…

zyxomma December 3, 2012 at 12:17 am

The FIVS? (That's fuel implosion vaporization system, for the uninitiated.) Allen Caggiano's old gas guzzlers got 113 to 145 mpg. True, he's not a member of our tribe, but he sure was treated like one …

Negropolis November 25, 2012 at 1:28 am

I am partial to Big Butter/Touchdown Jesus, myself. Well, was.

AlterNewt November 25, 2012 at 1:39 am

On June 15, 2010, the statue was struck by lightning and consumed in the resulting blaze

Apparently Thor didn't care for it.

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