An Open Letter To Donald Trump Re: Buy Everything Day At WonketteBazaar.com

  Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money)

TrumPonyDear Muskrat-Headed Ego-Beast From Hell Mr. Trump,

We see that Barry Bamz has not taken you up on your generous offer, and that despite your seditious patriotic efforts to spark a pro-liberty uprising, every indication is that That One is still on track to be inaugurated for a second term in January. So here you are, with $5 million that you know won’t be going to Barry, and that you didn’t even bother to give to victims of SuperStormaGanza Sandy. And here we are, ready to unleash upon U.S. America a veritable maelstrom of merchandise, which, when combined with the frenzied capitalistic excesses of Buy Everything Day, threatens to blanket every city, town, hamlet, and ophelia in the nation with Progressive-oriented tees, coffee mugs, hats, and tote bags.

Yes, tote bags, Donald, the sort of bags that people might very well use to tote things. Things that they will want the government to give them, free, because they are Takers. And these amazingly well-crafted and aesthetically-pleasing items all promote things you hate, Donald, spreading the word that the people wearing, drinking out of, or toting things in them are denginerates, and SHEEP flouride drinking FLITH who are bent on pushing their liberal ideas down everyone’s throat and waving correctly-spelled protest signs, too.

But you can stop all that, Donald. Your money has a way to shut that whole thing down.

One Old Handsome Cuppa JoeSure, we’re liberals, but we’re also, at heart, a little like you. Willing to overlook a bit of months-old caviar if there’s a few bucks to be made. And like you, we know a few things about the Art of the Dealio. So, tell you what: You send us that five million, and we’ll let you have all our high-quality snark-promoting merch, including such gems as the Old Handsome Joe coffee mug and the spiffy Wonkette hats. They’ll all be gone, off the market. Even though they’d make perfect gifts for friends, family, or that nice young man in the beret and sunglasses who held the door open for voters in Philadelphia. And did we mention that soon we’ll be offering the finest in panties, too? We can think of a recently-reelected county prosecutor in Ohio who might like some of those.

 
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We even make it absurdly easy for our internet-savvy readers to pay: via PayPal, or “PayPal Advanced” to pay with a credit card without having to have a stupid paypal account. (We know they freak many of librul sheeple out.) From you, Trumpy, we’ll want a cashier’s check.

Look, Donaldo, if you don’t take this opportunity, the raving commies who read Wonkette are going to storm our virtual gates and buy it ALL at our insanely reasonable prices, and they are going to wear it. Even the coffee cups. Out in public. Where they will recruit others to read Wonkette. And then you can just kiss your little dream of reclaiming America for the 1% goodbye.

Tell you what, you come across with the 5 mil, and we’ll even send you our college transcripts.

[WonketteBazaar]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Hola wonkerados.

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94 comments

  1. noodlesalad

    The Donald doesn't shop on Black Muslin Friday. Not classy enough. He does his online shopping on Bald White Plutocrat Tuesday. That's when they have the best deals on wigs made from real orangutan hair and corporate jets.

    1. boskolives

      "…….wigs made from real orangutan hair and corporate jets"?
      I can see how the orangutan hair is used, but corporate jets? Does it really take that much power to blow dry that mutant life form?

      1. noodlesalad

        Not blow-dried, they actually grind up the corporate jets in the wig-making process.

        (Good grammar catch, I guess I didn't put enough whiskey in my coffee this morning).

    2. Misty Malarky

      And that genuine critically endangered Sumatran orangutan hair, not just the common endangered ones from Borneo.

    3. PugglesRule

      Oh to shop on Bald White Plutocrat Monday,
      When the wigs are made of orangutan hair
      Oh to shop to Bald White Plutocrat Monday
      You'll get some corporate jets on deep discount there…

  2. DCBloom

    What a perfect way to start your day…. with a nice cup of coffee with old handsome Joe on the cup smiling up at you. Sweet.

  3. memzilla

    Needz moar blahmail. Perhaps a line of merchandise with, say, Trump's multiple bankruptcy proceedings printed on it, with appropriately snarky comments? That would be something Trump would want off the market.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        I don't know but you gotta figure his credit is so whack after that many bankruptcies that the rate is sky high.

  4. boskolives

    Is anyone or anything truly worthless? I believe that if one end of a stick was planted firmly in the ground in the middle of a cornfield, and the other end of that stick was inserted up Donald Trump's ass, you would never again find a crow in or even near that cornfield. Or bugs either, also.

    1. LibertyLover

      Yeah, but then you'd get all of the riff-raffy kinda folks swarming around just to laugh and point. No crows but people instead? Not sure it's worth the trade-off.

  5. DinDCW4

    Thank you for allowing me to purge myself – spontaneously – of the remnants of yesterday's food orgy! Even his tie looks like shit.

  6. docterry6973

    No, no! Don't sell it all to the Donald! My Wonkette tee-shirt has arrived and I am thrilled because it really is a tee-shirt with the real Catwoman logo on it. I will order a coffee mug and maybe even a tote bag if you will just promise not to sell them all to Trump.

    It would be much better if Obama bought it all with the taxpayer's hard-earned money and gave it to liberals and minorities for free, since that is what he promised.

    Also,I would love to buy a ceramic travel mug with lid like those ones that Starbucks sells at a huge markup, so that I could sit here and read Wonkette while drinking coffee (which is all I do all day) and not put my keyboard in danger.

    1. LibertyLover

      Would that be Rebecca Black Friday?

      It's Friday, Friday
      Gotta get down on Friday
      Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
      Friday, Friday
      Gettin' down on Friday
      Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

  7. neiltheblaze

    Very clever. You're trying to create a competitive feeding frenzy for Wonkette swag between Muskrat Head and the rest of us.

    That's completely diabolical. I salute you!

  8. Katydid

    Dear Shit-For-Brains Wonkett,

    Everything is funny to you. I don't appreciate the "Jesus" as blah. Everyone knows Jesus was white as rain. The Bible even says so: Hypocrites 3:16.

    Signed,

    Cindy McCain

    1. boskolives

      It's true, in every photograph that I've seen of Jesus it's clear that he's as white as Papa John McCain's ass, and you can't get whiter than that.
      Or dumber, either, also.

  9. LibertyLover

    That's a pretty bold offer to show The Donald your college transcripts. I'm not sure that I am that brave. I wouldn't want anyone to know that I made a C in Organic Chemistry my Sophomore year. Oh Wait…

    1. LibertyLover

      Hey… thanks for the tip about the bacon on the turkey bird — worked great! And there was baconz afterwards, too! Been doing turkeys for a ton of years and I was so pleased with the results. Cudos…

      *applause*

      1. Terry

        I'm so glad! Mine turned out great this year, too. I used a meat thermometer, the kind where the probe stays in the bird and the little meter sits outside the oven. I've used to for beef and pork, but not turkey. It worked great, I ended up taking it out about 20 min earlier than I might have otherwise and it was done perfectly.

  10. TootsStansbury

    I will have to compromise my liberal values and shop this evening! I simply must have the Handsome Joe coffee mug! I haz a sell-outs :(

  11. Negropolis

    threatens to blanket every city, town, hamlet, and ophelia in the nation

    I see what you did there…

    Get thee to a nunnery, good Doktor!

    So, let me get what the Wonkette staff is saying…the best part of waking up is Old Handsome Joe in a cup, right?

      1. Negropolis

        Knowing that this is Wonkette, I should have said: Get thee to a winery, but it's too damned early.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Not a lot of hookers working the morning shift, either, though (or at least that's what my English lit teacher claimed that line was all about).

          The wineries open early around here. Drinking your way through a day can be quite the fun time (especially if you aren't doing the driving).

  12. Negropolis

    It is said that if Donald Trump comes out on Blah Friday and sees his shadow, it'll be two more months of schadenfreude.

    OT: Walmarters are striking. I truly feel sorry for all of the folks that will lose their jobs for this.

    1. Negropolis

      It'll be the most luxurious, most posh, most klassy revolution evah. Gold on the ceiling klassy; class-out-the-ass klassy. It'll be UGE! And, yes, it'll be televised and feature the most beautiful women on the planet that Trump's money can buy.

  13. Biff

    C'mon wonket, get those panties on the market! My g/f's birfday is coming up soon. Who's gonna model that stuff, anyway? Looking forward to Editrix and KBJ, obvs…

  14. LibertyLover

    Hey. Sweet revenge on my conservatard brother! I will purchase mass quantities of Wonkette swag and send to him for the upcoming FSM festivas! It's not like he would get any of the humor/snark/intelligencia here anyways, and I won't even have to make excuses for why I will not purchase the latest Rush Limbaugh book for him.

  15. Negropolis

    Speaking of Dumps-like-a-Trump, how many more miles does the vulgarian's current mail-order bride have on her before he trades her out for a newer model?

  16. ThundercatHo

    The Donald can have my OHJB coffee mug (as soon as I buy it) if he can pry it from my crabby, caffeine deficient fingers.

  17. DixvilleCrotch

    I pepper sprayed my way down the toy aisles this morning at Walmart and managed to find one of those trendy Tickle Me Elmo dolls, finally. It's going to be the best Christmas ever!

  18. Lot_49

    Today we are all flagrantly-combed-over, faux-billionaire gasbags presented with an offer we cannot refuse.

  19. GregComlish

    Bottom line: Wonkette is now offering a hat, totebag, and Joe Biden coffee mug in addition to the t-shirts they were previously offering. Wonkette is also making the same empty panty promises as per usual.

    1. gullywompr

      I think they ran out of stock after Sorosbot, Prommie, Lionel Hutz, Esq., and SayItWithWookies cornered the market on Wonkette panties.

  20. gullywompr

    If Wonkette Bazaar is going to sell koffee kupps, then they really need to offer us waterproof keyboards also too. You know why.

  21. CrunchyKnee

    Make a black kitten with whip tee and I'll order a grip. Hell, even red or green, but flimsy white? Ugh.

    The free market has spoken.

  22. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Is it just me and my Firefox browser, or is anyone else wondering where the "put this damned item that I want in the cart" buttons are?

    1. commiegirl99

      Yes, isn't it stupid? It's all the way at the bottom, under the last picture. Once you choose your size, style, etc., it will let you add it to your cart, and then you can check out. YAY YOU!

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Typical commie socialist system. A Real American (TM) site would have a "BUY IT NOW!!!!" button or two next to every item.

  23. drbill0620

    His picture makes me want to puke…I can only imagine how his poor wife must feel sitting across the breakfast table each morn…enough to spoil anyone's appetite

  24. DahBoner

    The art of the Dealio

    You mean like, if you can shut up for a minute THEN I'll put my dick in your mouth?

Comments are closed.