dispatches from the fema camps

Comrade Obama Joins Wonkette War On Christmas With Halal Sharia Brigade

Take a moment to remember where you were and what you were doing today because today, this Black Friday 2012, is likely the last time Americans will be allowed to partake in the sacred pre-Christmas tradition of lining up outside big box stores to purchase $5 DVD players. And not just because solid state media is basically obsolete.

As everyone knows, Barack Obama is a secret Muslim. He plans to use his second term to implement Sharia Law and turn America into a socialist Islamist theocracy. That means Christmas will be outlawed in the FEMA Camps! Because Obama doesn’t like it when anyone else gives gifts — especially gifts for non-browns and non-sluts.

To show you what this nightmare look like, Wonkette operatives bravely traveled to Dearborn, Michigan, where Sharia is already practiced openly, to infiltrate and document the Tehran-like Fairlane Town Center mall. Most American malls are currently engaged in the wholesome, Christian practice of over-commercializing Christmas, but things are very different at Fairlane. Take a good look because this is the hell that awaits us in Obama’s second term.

In the 1980s, Fairlane sold Chuck Taylors and Walkmans. In the 1990s, it was Nirvana CDs and Tickle Me Elmo dolls. The 2000s, iPods and Rip Hamilton jerseys. In Obama’s dark future? A big box full of honor killings and burkas all wrapped up with pretty ribbons and bows.

Jihad Santa

Where is Santa? Oh, just hanging out at the Hamas training camp.

And when Santa does return at 2:05, they’ll keep him stashed in Auda Abu Tayi‘s bedouin ice tent.

When America becomes a Sharia terror state all the food will be Halal. Not just Halal meat. There are studies underway to make Halal salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk…even Halal Cinnabon. Can you imagine, Mandrake? Halal Cinnabon.

Sharia H&M

Ladies, take a look at the Islamicly-appropriate modest clothing you’re likely to find next year under the Muhammad birthday bush or whatever.

Frederick's of Riyhad

There’s even Sharia lingerie. You’ll have to share it with your sister wives because the Qu’ran allows men to take four brides.

Forever Agenda 21

Oh. My. God. Allah. Forever (Agenda) 21. It’s all so clear now. The circle is complete.

Will they recruit our children? Yes, they will recruit our children. These are the clothes children will be forced to wear to the FEMA Camp madrassa.

Claire's Jihad

Tween girls will be recruited, also.

25 Days of Sharia

Just look at Secret Muslim Obama’s deviousness. You can hear the libruls now: “Oh see, Obama will allow us to continue celebrating Christmas alongside his Islamic holidays. Why there will even be 25 days of Christmas in Obama’s Sharia America.” Don’t be fooled. 25 days of Christmas? That’s almost a month. You know what else lasts a month? Ramadan. Think about that. Yeah.

الأمل والتغيير

About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick
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    1. Veritas78

      Do they have fishnet burkas? If so, I'm calling my attorney, because that's the name of my new band.

  1. Loch_Nessosaur

    So we are all going to be forced into FEMA camps and the men have to wear Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie.

  2. bflrtsplk

    Just wait til they change the name from Christmas to Ramamas or Christdan or something even more E-VIL. Them`s sound like fightin`words to me..

        1. SnarkOff

          Actually, nothing. I was just making a dumb pun on "hooker," inspired by that crappy display of Victoria's Secret lingerie.

          1. weejee

            And I thought it would be more fun to run literal with the pun. Sorta like hash, or maybe a different kinda hash tag.

            / tag you're it….

    1. boskolives

      Silly, when you're in Dearbornistan you shouldn't buy a hookah when you can rent them by the hour, with adjustments for special performances or abilities. You'll find that the ones by Cinabon usually will have more cushion for the pushin', if that rocks your boat.

    2. Negropolis

      That would be a funny, old-timey skit. You know, have some New Englander or New Yawkehr trying to find a hookah at Fairlane and everyone pointing them to the smokeshops.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Every White
    Down in White-ville
    Liked Christmas a lot…

    But the Obama,
    Who was the only blah in White-ville,
    Did NOT!

    The Obama hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
    Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
    It could be that his skin wasn't close to being quite white.
    It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
    But I think that the most likely reason said the prigs
    May have been that his dick was two sizes too big.

    Whatever the reason,
    His skin or his dick,
    He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whites,
    Staring down from the White House with a sour, Obama frown
    At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
    For he knew every Whitey down in White-ville scene
    Was busy now, buying a cheap ass TV.

    "And they're gorging their bellies!" he snarled with a sneer.
    "Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
    Then he growled, with his dark fingers nervously drumming,
    "I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
    For, tomorrow, he knew…

    1. ManchuCandidate

      And THEN
      They'd do something he liked least of that
      Every White down in White-ville, the tall and soooh fat,
      Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
      They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whites would start singing!

      They'd sing! And they'd sing!
      AND they'd SING Fucking Kid Rock
      And the more the Obama thought of the White-Christmas-Sing
      The more the Obama thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
      "Why for fifty years I've put up with it now!
      I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
      …But HOW?"

      Then he got an idea!
      An awful idea!

      1. ManchuCandidate

        "I know just what to do!" Obama Laughed in his throat.
        And he made a quick tailored suit and a coat.
        And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Obama trick!
        "With this coat and this suit, I'll look just like a Rich White Prick!"

        All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
        All the Whites were all dreaming about Jeebus without care
        When he came to the first house in the square.
        "This is stop number one," The old Obama Mitt hissed
        And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

        Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the White' feast!
        He took the Mayonnaise! He took the Fried Turkey beast!
        He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a twinkle.
        Why, that Obama even took their last pack of Twinkies!

        Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
        "And NOW!" grinned the Obama, "I will fuck up their tree!"

        He did the same thing
        To the other Whites' houses

        Leaving crumbs
        Much too small
        For the other Whites' mouses!

        It was quarter past dawn…
        All the Whites, still a-bed
        All the Whites, still a-snooze
        When he packed up his sled,
        Packed it up with their presents! Their medicare! Their taxes!
        The bibles! And their guns! The ammo! Their Waffle Irons!

        1. ManchuCandidate

          Three thousand feet up! Up the side of badly named White House,
          He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
          "Pooh-pooh to the Whites!" he was Obama-ish-ly humming.
          "They're finding out now that socialism is coming!
          "They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
          "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
          "The all the Whites down in White-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

          "That's a noise," grinned the Obama,
          "That I simply must hear!"
          So he paused. And the Obama put a hand to his ear.
          And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
          It started in low. Then it started to grow…

          But the sound wasn't glad!
          Why, this sound sounded angry!
          It couldn't be so!
          But it WAS angry! VERY!

          He stared down at White-ville!
          The Obama popped his eyes!
          Then he shook!
          What he saw was a shocking surprise!

          1. ManchuCandidate

            Every White down in White-ville, the tall and the Fat,
            Was fighting! Without any guns at all!
            He HADN'T stopped the stupid from coming!
            IT CAME!
            Somehow or other, it came just the same!

            And the Obama, with his blah-feet ice-cold in the snow,
            Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
            I saved their industries! I stopped all the wars (sort of)!
            "I tried to help them and cure their sores!"
            And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
            Then the Obama thought of something he hadn't before!
            "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
            "Maybe this war on Christmas…is a big whore!"

            And what happened then…?
            Well…in White-ville they say
            That the Obama's big brain
            Shrank three sizes that day!
            And the minute his head didn't feel quite so tight,
            He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
            And he brought back the ammo! And the mayo for the feast!
            And he…

            …HE HIMSELF…!
            The Obama gave the riches a great tax increase!

          2. greenloner

            Wow! Just Wow! this deserves a wider audience, readership, etc. Maybe Calvin Trillin's publisher would like it!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      They forgot to mention it in the Bibble, but God created the malls. Probably on Saturday night, so Eve would have something to do.

  4. larryfinexx

    I'm looking foward to the day when we can stop looking over our shoulders, and legally have sex with all the camels we want. One hump or two, you decide!

  5. docterry6973

    I thought we were going to make everyone in the FEMA camps wear burqas and thawbs just to remind them that they now live under Sharia law. Though wearing some of the duds from that mall would be pretty depressing in itself.

  6. GregComlish

    Guys, you have to cover the American black Friday shit-fit. People pulling guns on other shoppers outside of Sears. A full-scale panty riot outside of Victoria's Secret. Has nobody been trampled to death yet?

    1. FeloniousMonk

      "Has nobody been trampled to death yet?" Of course not, strong measures have been taken since 2008 to prevent that ever … what? They haven't? Eh, dumb luck, then. So far.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        I think the stores now trigger the doors by remote control, the same way they start horse races. Much safer (for the employees.)

    1. PugglesRule

      How dare there be a Cinnabon in Medina! Next thing you know people there will want to have toilet paper, and pencils, and JCPenney.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Never gonna stop, give it up, such a siren call
      I always get it up, for the touch of the discount mall
      Ma-ma-ma-My Sharia.

  7. Callyson

    Considering that a bunch of idiots and assholes in Santa Monica broke a glass door at Urban Outfitters (really? You fought for that overpriced crap?), "The Devolution of Shopping" sounds more accurate…

    1. MosesInvests

      Jacksonville, FL, also, too. I grew up with kids named Ossi, Abboud, Adeeb-and Tommy Hazouri was mayor back in the 90's. Used to eat Lebanese food made by the ladies of San Jose Catholic Church when I was a kid.

    2. Negropolis

      Between the Poles and the Maronites, I believe Catholics still may form a majority in Dearborn, or at least a plurality, but it'd be very close, now.

  8. Naked_Bunny

    Anyone know a good medical supplies website? It's time for me to get down to shopping for my family.

    1. shelwood46

      Pre-lubricated catheters are still a good stocking stuffer, right? I mean, they're some kind of stuffer.

  9. LibrarianX

    I just got a call from some nuts asking for donations to lead the impeachment battle against Barry Sotero.

  10. PubOption

    But if the Christmas shopping season begins on Thanksgiving afternoon, it already runs for about a month. Barry's Sharia Law might even shorten it.

  11. MrsConclusion

    Yes, Jeff, yes…Tell me, Jeff…when did you first become aware of this whole sharia-law-taking-over-Christmas business…?

  12. boskolives

    Always remember, Sharia spelled backwards is Air Ahs, which sounds like Err Oz, which means it's a mistake to not watch out for the guy behind the curtain, also.

    1. Negropolis

      Lingerie is very popular in the Muslim world. Like in a lot of other religions, this stuff is permitted in a marriage.

  13. christianmuslin

    The Twelve Days of Christmas Times Two Plus One., or is it 12 times three minus 6? I'm confused and in no hurry to learn that song. Who's writing it?

  14. Guppy

    We are a land of Christians and native to the soil,
    Or so A Beka Books have taught us in our home-school toil;
    Our preconceptions threatend, Fox Nation cries for war:
    Hurrah for the twenty-foot tree that bears a single star!

    Hurrah! Hurrah!
    For Christmas lights, hurrah!
    Hurrah for the twenty-foot tree that bears a single star!

    (Yes, I had too much free time last night.)

  15. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Ramadan will next occur at Christmastime again in about 2040, JUST ABOUT THE SAME YEAR THE OIL IS SUPPOSED TO RUN OUT. Just sayin. Also.

  16. BZ1

    The ultra-religious Christian folks keep pushing an agenda in the heart of a Muslin neighborhood, and then get all hot and bothered when people protest?

  17. finallyhappy

    Get off my lawn- Forever 21 windows generally look like they are selling clothing for cheap hookers(like I used to see driving down 14th street in Dc 30 years ago). I told someone this and this guy(my age- almost 60) told me it was inappropriate to say that because young girls buy clothing there. I told him- so what- the clothing looks like it is for cheap hookers. I realize this is not quite the topic but I hate that store. Now Bebe and Arden B- look like they sell clothing for expensive hookers. I hate the mall- every mall. Also I am Jewish AND do not celebrate Christmas so WAR on CHRISTMAS(although I am very fond of my homemade candy cane cocoa and gingerbread cookies)

  18. Negropolis

    Meh, Eid al-Fitr ain't so bad. And, since parts of Michigan are under Sharia, anyway, it'll be a pretty smooth transition.

    When the caliphate came to Michigan, it was driving a Ford and wrapped in a shawarma.

    1. glasspusher

      Not bad. Better than some of the mosques I saw when I was in Turkey in 2006. I was there for the total eclipse, natch. Had a great time.

  19. BadKitty904

    So. These comments are going to be deleted? Very well, then. I'll admit it! At last!

    I am yesterday, and today, and tomorrow. I am sorrow, and longing, and hope unfulfilled. I am Hash-E-Ho-Tep. SHE. SHE who must be obeyed! I am I.

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