Add to Flipboard Magazine.

We began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs and Gus Van Sant back in 2006, and a lot of things have changed since then. (For one thing, the YouTube copy we linked to in 2006 through 2011 is gone and borked forever.) We also cannot possibly hope to match the grim depths of the 2010 / 2011 iterations of the prayer, so we know better than to even make the attempt.

It is traditional for the head of the household — gay-married or not — to lead the reading of this prayer before the family feasts upon the fruits of the harvest, from the traditional Vice-Presidential yam to the grotesque frankenbird that is, however little Bob Jones University Press wants to acknowledge the fact, the end product of millions of years of evolution. Plus some freaky factory farming practices that Kortney and her zucchini would be happy to tell you all about (ah, the memories).

gobbleSo Happy Thanksgiving, America. May all your Hoverrounds come equipped with TruckNutz. May you return safely from your holiday travels without having actually punched any wingnut relatives in the nose. May your attempts to recite “Alice’s Restaurant” from memory be at least 30% successful. May you see everything twice — unless you get dragged out to that thing about sparkly vampires, or that other thing that’s a remake of that 1984 thing about Rooshians invading Colorado. (North Koreans? As if.)

And remember to Buy (almost) Nothing tomorrow!


Previous articleNewark Tries To Murder Cory Booker
Next articleWatch the Palin Turkey Massacre Again, Because 'Tradition'