for john dillinger

Wholesome American Guts: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2012

We began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs and Gus Van Sant back in 2006, and a lot of things have changed since then. (For one thing, the YouTube copy we linked to in 2006 through 2011 is gone and borked forever.) We also cannot possibly hope to match the grim depths of the 2010 / 2011 iterations of the prayer, so we know better than to even make the attempt.

It is traditional for the head of the household — gay-married or not — to lead the reading of this prayer before the family feasts upon the fruits of the harvest, from the traditional Vice-Presidential yam to the grotesque frankenbird that is, however little Bob Jones University Press wants to acknowledge the fact, the end product of millions of years of evolution. Plus some freaky factory farming practices that Kortney and her zucchini would be happy to tell you all about (ah, the memories).

gobbleSo Happy Thanksgiving, America. May all your Hoverrounds come equipped with TruckNutz. May you return safely from your holiday travels without having actually punched any wingnut relatives in the nose. May your attempts to recite “Alice’s Restaurant” from memory be at least 30% successful. May you see everything twice — unless you get dragged out to that thing about sparkly vampires, or that other thing that’s a remake of that 1984 thing about Rooshians invading Colorado. (North Koreans? As if.)

And remember to Buy (almost) Nothing tomorrow!


About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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    1. CalvinsChoice

      I served with a mommyblog. I knew a mommyblog. A mommyblog was a friend of mine. Wonkette, you're no mommyblog.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Diametrically Opposed, in fact. But I would so love to have a recording of Newt Fucking Gingrich reading this aloud.

            It would replace my Official Newt-Babbling-on-TV-Yet-Again Soundtrack, that is played over a furiously Muted TV whenever I have the misfortune to have to watch him: Zappa's Broken Hearts are for Assholes.

            It's rewarding, but wearing a bit thin.

  1. boskolives

    I'm so very grateful that like my sex life, Thanksgiving only comes once a year, and I'm not going to have to see most of these people who are sitting around my dinner table again until the republicans have spent 364 more days explaining why Romney et al lost.
    Further, as I see many of the lower parts of the genetic pool that I'm supposedly related to, I'm happy that I've managed to rise above most of that morass, too.
    Amen, also.

  2. memzilla

    I am thankful for the snarkful intelligence of my fellow Wonketeers, and the toils of Editrix and her stable.

    Now watch this drive.

    1. deanbooth

      I'm a sucker for period dramas, and I started out really enjoying this, but of late I've started yelling out predictions of silly lines I expect to follow. Too often, I'm right.

      But the pretty women in pretty clothes keep me coming back.

    2. Callyson

      I thought it was spelled "Downton Abbey"?

      I ask not to be a grammar cop, but because if I'm correct, "Downtown Abby" sounds like a great name for a porn takeoff of that show…

      1. coolhandnuke

        Nailing the hedonistic trifecta all at once is a rarity. But if you add bacon, avocado and the Onion it improves your odds.
        And buttsekz.

  3. Trannysurprise

    I need a transcript of this so I can read it to my folks around the turkey right after we say the prayer.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    But but but Footbawl!

    Be thankful the not as liebrul as many hoped but still sane Barry Obamer won and that any conversation about that "Dinger Obamer" from the most wingnutty of relatives can be shut up with a mention of the 339 electoral votes he won despite all those fucking racist emails forwarded to you about him being a Kenyan Racist Colonialist Communist Socialist Nazi Muslin Christian Manchurian Candidate and posting on your FB wall the latest screeds paid for by the Koch brothers.

    It will make the Festivus airing of grievances and feats of strength all that more interesting.

    1. weejee

      But but but Footbawl!

      Zactly!! Will the Wonkette be live blogging the Bob Jones University – Cal Poly football game or will it go with Liberty U – MIT?

      m₁u₁ = (m₁ ✛ m₂) · V again, harder, harder

      m₁u₁ = (m₁ ✛ m₂ ) · V again, harder, harder

    2. BoroPrimorac

      Festivus airing of grievances sounds peaceful and civilized. Too bad my Mick/Spic family is too quick on the throwing and fighting end of things.

  5. jodyleek

    Happy Tofurkey Day, Wonkers! Please say a pagan incantation for me at your family feast. I may drink myself into a stupor today because my husband and son are driving me to it and it's only 9:30am! Shiva help me!!!

      1. boskolives

        I kinda Shiva myself considering what one could do with extra arms, but I wasn't thinking so much about it taking place in the kitchen, per se, ad hoc, too.

  6. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Sincerely, I would like to give thanks to you all, including the various editors in their various guises. Every day at least one of you, usually many of you, make me laugh and that really means a lot to me.

    Thanks Wonketteers! Happy Turkey [or tofurkey or whatever] Day!

  7. Beowoof

    Thanks for Red Wine.
    And Happy Thanksgiving to all, I know that we will spend the day with good friends, great food and lots red wine and good conversation. That is really good stuff and what I am thankful for most of all are the friends and family.

    1. BadKitty904

      AMEN, Beo! I come from a family of winebibbers and Joaquin and I are ALL up into reds. Thanksgiving is one of the days Daddy uncorks the top-drawer stuff, so ¡Salud!

      O for a beaker full of the warm South!
      Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
      With beaded bubbles winking at the brim…

  8. LIT_Fag

    I'm thankful for "knowing" you fellow Wonketeers, for the election results, and for the post election amusement from the RWNJ's reactions. Happy Thanksgiving

  9. boskolives

    Oh holiday joy, black friday will arrive at midnight (unless you're in bondage at Walmart, in which case, hours earlier), this is our annual chance to spend less of the money we don't have to buy things we don't need to impress people that don't matter.
    Crap, thinking that thought just put me on the naughty list so I'll get coal in my stockings, the Koch brothers win again

    1. PubOption

      I might but some groceries on Black Friday, but that will be all. The 4 pounds of advertising supplements which came with the newspaper this morning are already in my recycle box.

  10. UW8316154

    Happy Thanksgiving, ya'll. Even though we've got alot of crazies in this country, we still have so much to be thankful. Starting with Obama in the White House and a roast duck in my oven.

    Does anyone else ecschew turkey and go non-traditional on Turkey Day?

    1. MosesInvests

      Well, doing a Tofurkey for my daughter and my ex-both vegetarians.
      Roast chicken for me and my son because a) a turkey for 2 people is ridiculous, and b) kosher turkeys run about $80.00 this year (yikes).
      I'm thankful for a virtual community of snarky but warm-hearted folks here on the Interwebz, who've helped me keep my tenuous hold on sanity these past few years.

      1. ChapterUndVerse

        We threw a dart on the map,and went to a place where we knew no one. We ate chili at Grandmother Apple's restaurant. It was good, and no one needed to use a vomitorium afterwards, on account of neither overeating nor listening to the wailing and gnashing of teeth by people we love and don't vote with.

        1. TribecaMike

          I had a cat named Murpy, or more truthfully he had me. Greatest cat I've ever had the honor and pleasure of knowing. His way of sleeping while stretched out on an ironing board was legendary.

    1. DCBloom

      Cool! Is that like biting into the baby at Mardi Gras…. if you get the baby, you buy next year's cake.

  11. UW8316154

    I'm thankful for the gratitude I have for the people and things that are already in my life, so that I can skip Black Friday and the cheap trinkets and ladies fighting in Wal-Mart over the latest "must-have" toy.

  12. Come here a minute

    May all your Thanksgiving memories have circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back explaining what each one is to be used as evidence.

    1. boskolives

      Thanksgiving memories of hours sitting on the "Group W" bench and eating Turkey give me warmth. And a little gas also. I recommend staying upwind, if you get my drift , or maybe to avoid my drift.

  13. TribecaMike

    For the past several years, our Thanksgivings have been spent with the in-laws and the usual, and quite delicious, Thanksgiving fare. This year I'm most thankful that we're staying home and digging in to our household's (apartmenthold's?) traditional spaghetti, meatballs, beer, wine, and thee olde resinous pipe.

    Buon giorno del ringraziamento, everyone!

  14. TootsStansbury

    Thank you for keeping my spirits up during our weird political um climate. I am off to my lovely but wingnuttish in laws to stuff myself into a stupor. No shopping tomorrow for me, I haz werks. It'll be quiet so expect to see many stupid comments from me.

  15. chascates

    I'm thankful I'm smarter now than when I was in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. And just hope I can say the same about my 50s, 60s, and 70s, twenty some-odd years from now.

  16. el_donaldo

    I realized I need to go out tomorrow and get a bag of split peas, but I'm going to make sure I buy Goya.

    Other than that, casa el Donaldo is ready for Turkey day and Buy Nothing day. You should see how much wine we've laid in for the next three days.

  17. fartknocker

    I am celebrating the joy of watching my Tea-bagging shit stain lawyer brother in law watch my television as I replay the entire Rachel Maddow show from November 11th while eating my smothered pork chops and drinking my bourbon. It's a fesitvus at the Fartknocker Casa.

  18. An_Outhouse

    I'd like to thank my wife for the successful hard cider experiment. She doesn't read Wonkette but at least I said it. Now go make me a turkey sammich.

  19. C_R_Eature

    I am very thankful that I made it through getting sideswiped by Super Storm Sandy without being killed, losing friends and relatives and having everything I own blown sideways for a half mile, scattered, broken, drowned and lost.
    I am very sad for those that can't say the same.

    Just needed to say that. Now, back to our Regularly-Scheduled Snark.

    1. sullivanst

      I'm thankful we made it through the storm unscathed, and had enough room to put up my sister-in-law's family who were flooded out.

  20. TribecaMike

    One thing I'm thankful for is the good Doktor Zoom's highlarious commentaries on our culture's foibles, fairy tales, and general fuckupedness.

    I am not thankful for whatever (Satan? Santa? Sangria?) made me purchase that carton of almond milk a few weeks ago, and which I finally finished off this morning. Most boring liquid ever.

  21. keepwalkin

    I give thanks for Tradition.

    Like this awesomely cynical yet beautiful piece by Burroughs and Van Sandt.

  22. Dudleydidwrong

    We're having a community (read: communist) Thanksgiving in these here parts; wish you all could join in. Thanks for Wonkette, the other and greater Community that keeps me learning and laughing the year-round. Whatever you're doing this day, know that we're all together in spirit–or In the Spirits: red wine, gin and tonic, bourbon and ginger ale, Jack on the rocks…

  23. AlterNewt

    I remain caustically optimistic, thanks in part to all of you here. Try to be kind and maybe a little happy. It'll be our little secret.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    After a fairly nutty, up-and-down year I'm thankful that votes still beat money, that the government is still run by people who think it can do useful stuff rather than the people who want to prove it can't; that more people have the freedom to get married and smoke weed in peace than last year; that I've spent lots of time enjoying some cool critters and just appreciating being alive; that my Wonkette keeps me alternately pissed off or hopeful depending on what's needed at the time; that there are so many cool people here, and mostly for my sweetheart Mumbletypeg, who's gone a great way to making the hardships more bearable and the pleasant parts more enjoyabe.
    Happy Thanksgiving you sick bastards!

          1. SayItWithWookies

            At least we don't have the downfist now so everybody doesn't get thrown into a tizzy 'cause some Breitbarters came over here and knocked everyone down a point. It made the comments far less interesting when they were all about that.

            So p was a real pain in the tuckus then — at least now it's just a mildly interesting feature. And congrats!

  25. Tommmcatt_Again

    I walked up there and I said "Shrink, I wanna kill. I wanna, I wanna kill. Kill. I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill. KILL! KILL! KILL!" and I started jumping up and down yelling "KILL! KILL! KILL!" and we was both jumping up and down yelling "KILL! KILL!" and the sargent came over, sent me out the hall, said "Your our boy!"

    Happy Fucking Thanksgiving Everybody!

  26. C_R_Eature

    I'm also Thankful for Doktor Zoom's insistence upon the link to Powell's City of Books at the margins. Great service from Good People who love books.
    Thanks Dok!


    thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams

    What was he talking about?

  28. GeneralLerong

    Champagne, anyone? I'd hate to have to drink all these bottles by myself [discovered that the Costco stuff, half the price of Average French Swill, is actually pretty tasty…so I bought twice as much].

    1. TribecaMike

      Cheers! The spousal unit and her best gal pal (Irish, funny as hell, and Peter O'Toole* tall) are downing the bubbly in the other room, gossiping about other chicks. Good times.

      *I used to think Peter O'Toole had to be a stage name (two slang terms for penis in one name just seems too good to be true), until learning that he indeed was born with it. "It" meaning two penises, of course.

  29. Callyson

    I am thankful for the election results, for my friends and family, my dogs, the election results and for the fun I've had reading Wonkette. Thanks to all of you for the many, and very much needed, lulz…

  30. Madam Killjoy

    I mostly lurk here because I can't comment from work but I'm here everyday and I want to thank you all for bringing me the lulz. The best commentariat in the tubes – y'all give me hope that this country isn't completely doomed!

  31. awwalk56

    I would like to wish all of you and yours, young and old, great and small, legal and illegal, yellow, black, brown or white you are all precious in my sight, male and female and others, critters of land, sea and air domesticated and in the wilds, free thinkers and those of faith, a Happy Thanksgiving. This holiday greeting does not extend nor applies to republican sonsabitches. Happy Thanksgiving all.

  32. ttommyunger

    I'm thankful the American Electorate finally seems to be waking the fuck up. I'm thankful for 'Becca and her peeps, top drawer all. Thanks to all who read my brain-droppings and a special thank you to those who make the effort to reach out. You are all my happy place, considering I live in the belly of the beast here in Gawgia. I love and appreciate each of you in my own twisted, perverted way, heh, heh.

    1. DCBloom

      It's true. We folks stuck down here in the red states need a place to commiserate with those of our kind.

        1. BadKitty904

          Well said, TTommy and DC!

          I'm thankful that us Wonketeers who are Down South are still able to keep that good ol' liberal freek-flag flying!

          ~ Sent from Florida, not in Garrison

  33. TribecaMike

    En hommage to Cole Porter and Redd Foxx

    Birds do it
    Bees do it
    Even creeps at Bob Jones U do it
    Let's do it
    Let's all get drunk and throw up in the car

  34. DrunkIrishman

    I'm thankful for my penis and people who like my penis (not many, but those who do…they're cool).

  35. slowhansolo

    Just sent everyone packing. First Thanksgiving in the new house, and even with the toddlers (yes, plural) destroying everything in sight, I managed to sit, sigh, smile and, yes, be thankful for the chance.

    Plus, I ended up with a fridge full of great food and beer. Hard to muster the cynicism right now. Thanks for another year full of laughs, everyone, and I hope y'all managed a moment of peace today.

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