Jive Turkey Day

Jesse Jackson Jr. To Resign From Congress: Shocked Nation Momentarily Mistakes Him For His Dad Yet Again

Srsly, d00dDrudge Sirens! Illinois Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-He’s In Congress? Really?) will, after having won reelection despite not campaigning and completely disappearing from public view since June and a raft of past corruption allegations in the Rod Blagojevich scandal (who?), resign his seat in Congress. (Diagram THAT, Sister Mary Louise!)

We actually do feel bad for him, what with the diagnosis of bipolar disorder and depression and all, because those are just sad awful things that truly do suck to have in your life and which we wouldn’t wish on ANYBODY. On the other hand, we do feel compelled to note that before those maladies entered his life, he tended to be at least a fairly notable minor-league asshat who was often to be found on the periphery of scandals. But apart from the Blago, the adultery, and the ham-handed communications fail surrounding his truly unfortunate mental illness, he seemed like such a nice young man.

Needless to say, because it’s frickin’ Chicago, there will be much discussion in coming days about why he waited until after winning reelection (without campaining, as we think we mentioned) to resign. Quite simply, it’s because it’s the afternoon before a major holiday, which is always a fine time for a news dump.

And now we get an exciting special election, which will presumably be an advantage for the Democrats, and which will be decried as “corrupt Chicago thuggery” on Fox News, even though it’s the sort of thing that sleazy electoral machines of all flavors have done since time immemorial and will do forever, because, jesus, it’s party politics, now isn’t it? WE WOULD NEVER WRITE THAT IF HE WERE A DEMOCRAT.

Mostly, we will remember Jesse Jackson Jr. for that time he read “Green Eggs And Ham” on Saturday Night Live:

[Chicago Tribune]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

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  1. Lascauxcaveman

    Chicago style, it's more than just a pizza.
    And while he's not exactly Gabby Giffords, I hope he does get better.

        1. glasspusher

          East Coast and Chicago style are both delicious, says the NJ native. Pizza Hut, it is the devils' work!

          1. shelwood46

            I grew up Chicago-adjacent but have lived in Jersey since '85. I have realized that it's like potato salad and tossed salad: the same word is in the name, but they are two different foods. And it's okay to like both. However, my Midwestern upbringing has left me without the ability to appreciate a plain pie.

          2. glasspusher

            The true measure of a good pizza is that it tastes great even “plain”. There's only one place out here in CA that makes one this good that I know of…Giovanni's in Sunnyvale, but they're from Brooklyn and Hopewell NJ.I like a lot of toppings, generally, as well, as they can compensate, to an extent, for a substandard pie.

          3. shelwood46

            We get our pie in Hopewell all the time! They have several great places (Antimo's is my favorite). For a special treat, we go to Conte's in Princeton. Montgomery has disappointing pizza, yet I'm sure it's better than most anything outside NJ. Spoiled, right here.

      1. Goonemeritus

        I would have less of a problem if you made an impassioned case for nominating Michele Bachmann for Secretary of State. Chicago style Pizza is a disgusting soupy mess, fit only for Midwesterners .

          1. HistoriCat

            Tried the Cooks Illustrated deep dish recipe. It was delicious. It was also a royal pain in the ass to make, so I probably won't be making it again any time soon.

          2. Goonemeritus

            "Cooks Illustrated deep dish recipe" Sweet Jesus and Mary. If there is anyone less Italian than that New Hampshire skinflint I haven't met him. Let me guess he had you brine it overnight.

          3. HistoriCat

            All I remember is that it was a shit-ton of work and completelyunhealthy. Really tasty (must have been all the butter), but nofucking way would I be willing to put that much effort into it again.

          4. Weedlord BonerHitler

            My homemade pizzas tend to be ww crust with a schpritz of olive oil, caramelized onions, ground lamb, sauteed chard with garlic and shredded mozzarella. When I'm feeling REALLY fancy, I do a goat-cheese/green-onion with a smidgen of pine nuts for crunchy.

            I would NEVER make a deep-dish in a home kitchen. Wut can I say, dood, you're a better man than I am.

        1. SorosBot

          In fact, yes; it was good, the best deep dish since I moved back from Chicago way back when (goddamn Uno's sucks compared to the real thing).

          1. glasspusher

            Yeah, they do a good job. They have quite the cult following around here, easier because most of the rest of the pizza landscape around them isn't top notch.

        1. Negropolis

          Come on, now. Everyone knows it was Michael, even a cloistered Greek Orthodox monk. It was utter sarcasm.

          And, BTW, I'm pretty sure it was Randy Jackson, anyway. Which one? You decide!

          1. Weedlord BonerHitler

            Oh, you know I have next to no ability to read people signals. I used to get ragged on all the time for not being able to tell when people were being serious and when they were taking the piss.

            Happy Thanksgiving, dude. (Hugs you)

    1. PopeEdgardo

      I think, under the Constitution of Illinois, it's the Governor who gets to sell emplty seats in Congress.

      1. Spurning Beer

        Jesse was the first black preacher I ever heard using rhymes and a sing-song cadence like that. Of course he didn't invent parallel structure, call-and-response, or exaggerated prosody that are some of the core elements of black preaching.

        And let the record show that I am elderly.

    1. Negropolis

      Reverend Slick-backed Perm libel!

      But, no, really, I loves me some Al Sharpton. I mean, the hair the track suits. Truly, a god among men. But, he shouldn't have lost all that damned weight. His obesity was becoming of a man of his oratorical stature.

  2. snowpointsecret

    Advantage for the Democrats.

    You mean, "winning a district they'd never have a chance of losing anyway", right?

    I feel bad for him, being bipolar myself, but I have to say I wish he resigned well before this. He needed to take care of himself before anything else and I don't think staying in Congress was good for either him or the country.

    1. ThundercatHo

      Glad you are ok. My son has the rapid cycling variety, he was diagnosed at a young age and is 25 now.

      1. snowpointsecret

        Thanks, I hope things are somewhat under control there too. I know it never gets completely better but every little bit helps.

        1. ThundercatHo

          Oh, I'm sure some scars will be opened tomorrow. It's hard to breathe when he's here cuz I never know what will happen next. He's maintaining and has a nice girlfriend now but it's always 2 steps forward and one step back. I love my son and he is good and loyal but oy…….we just keep hoping for forward motion.

          1. Beowoof

            Good luck tomorrow, and for that matter every day. I grew up with a father who was depressed and found whiskey to be his medication of choice. Didn't work well for any of us. I will hope with you for forward motion.

    2. Beowoof

      I feel for you Snow, I have the depression part and it sucks big time. So I understand a little bit. I feel bad for Jr. too, neither issue is one be trifled with and they can be absolutely debilitating.

  3. Chet Kincaid_

    I'm one of his constituents. I don't give a damn what they do with him, so long as his seat stays Democratic, and frankly, there is no chance in hell that a Republican would ever be elected from this district.

    1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Are you guys even allowed to vote? It's awfully, um, "urban" down there on the South Side.

          1. Negropolis

            I heard they alawys had hands up their asses. Who did those hands belong to?! These are the questions.

    1. MissTaken

      It tickles me pink that the final post I see before heading home for a long holiday weekend has pic of Pinkie Pie saying "now get the fuck out". Yay!

  4. SorosBot

    Wait, if serious mental illness is a reason to quit Congress, then what the fuck is Michele Bachmann still doing there?

    1. MissTaken

      A mental illness implies a brain. The brightest minds in science cannot figure out what they fuck she has.

    2. CommieDad

      You are confusing mental illness with being bat-shit crazy. The former is a disease, which can be treated with drugs and counseling, the later is a condition caused by severe ambition and lack of morals, for which there is no treatment.

    3. PopeEdgardo

      Not to mention the two Senator Certifiables from Oklahoma, Frick and Frack, or whatever the hell their names are.

  5. bikerlaureate

    Corrupt – unlike holding onto your DA job after proof comes out… that you were lying to everyone you know before the election.


  6. mrpuma2u

    Ugh. As an IL resident I am posting with a paper bag over my head. He is not my representative, but still embarrassing to be in the same county.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Anyone aspiring to the Cook County Top 10 must at least have crazee eyes, crazee hair, or a getaway car full of cold, hard cash driven by a certified member of the Mafia. Rep. Jackson has none of those. Having the sadz on a front porch that has no bodies buried under it doesn't even make the Top 100.

      2. mrpuma2u

        Touche, but he is just the latest, not so much the greatest elected doofus. I still say that is 3 way between Rostenkoswki, Ryan, and Blago. As a long term Chi-towner you would think I would have a thicker skin for this by now….

    1. fuflans

      please. terrifying republicans with our corruption and thuggery is pretty much the main reason i haven't moved to los angeles.

      or well, getting to vote twice.

      me personally, i proudly stand behind my district that has elected (in historical order): rahm emanuel, rod blagojevich, dan rostenkowski and stephen douglas (yes, that one).

      it's easier if you just embrace it.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      OMG I had totally forgotten that sketch! THANK YOU!

      And watching it today, I suddenly realize that the "shiny red car with a radio" is, of all things, a mid-80's Maserati Quattroporte.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          I haven't the least idea. It was a pretty forgettable cast.

          Also, I am a liar. That's no Quattroporte. That's a Biturbo.

          1. Ground Zero Mostel

            I found it on the internets: Mary Gross (who I now vaguely remember) and Gary Kroger, cast member 1982-1985 (who if you showed me a bunch of pictures and said, "Which one wasn't on SNL" I'd pick him.)

  7. mavenmaven

    I hope he got money for the seat, because a seat "is a f****g valuable thing, you just don't give it away for nothing"

    1. hillarysleftone

      I was going to say, isn't this where we came in, with a governor mulling over appointing somebody to fill an unexpectedly empty seat? Hilarity ensues…

  8. LibertyLover

    (Diagram THAT, Sister Mary Louise!)

    Dok, Dok, Dok, It's time to get over your treatment at the hands of Sister Mary Louise. You know you were asking for that ruler on the back of the hand for throwing spitballs at John Henry. And you know that if she told you once, she told you a thousand times not to chew gum in her class…

    1. CommieDad

      yeah. its like nothing matters. like even posting on wonkette is too much fucking work. you dont even want to hit the shift key.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Whenever I've met someone who made snide comments about antidepressants, I like to point out that I only feel drugged when I'm in the middle of a depressive spell and NOT on my meds.

  9. Chet Kincaid_

    His wife, who is an Alderman, could perhaps have taken his seat with solidarity votes from the local Sisters who are mad he cheated with a practically-white blonde latina, but I hear Sandi's being investigated too. Oh, it is sad to ride by their joint political office on the Metra every morning, the lights dimmed behind the giant Jesse & Sandi window decals of their lonely corner building!

  10. StealthMuslin

    "He brings bi-polar disorder, you bring schizophrenia! That's the Chicago Way!"
    (Also, teabagger special election strategy.)

  11. LibertyLover

    OT– Shouldn't that ad on the right say "Wonkette Bizarre" instead of "Wonkette Bazaar" ???

    Just sayin'

  12. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    I have Borderline Personality Disorder (amongst other things). When people ask me what that means I tell them it means I'm this close to having a personality.

    1. UW8316154

      My sister is BPD, and it is a tough one. Our family has struggled with it for decades. Any suggestions are welcome. Peace ~ UW….

      1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        I wish you and your sister well. It can be a very difficult condition to live through. I'm not qualified to offer advice, but I will tell you that what has helped me is mindfulness meditation, CBT and DBT. Loving, caring, understanding friends and family also helps a lot. Unfortunately, this kind of thing doen't really "heal." But, like a lifelong condition such as diabetes, it can be treated and managed and anyone with it can live a full life. Take care.

  13. CalvinsChoice

    This dude wouldn't even get noticed in Louisiana. How much cash did he have in his freezer anyway?

        1. C_R_Eature

          Oh, come on over to the Dark Side. You'll like it here.

          OT: I got my copy of Kaikai Aniani yesterday (Sago-coconut pancakes with prawn filling! Flying Fox with prunes and cream sauce! Pawpaw sherbet!) but I can find no Cannibal Recipes. Am I missing something?
          I was looking forward to those.

          1. Weedlord BonerHitler

            Oh, there weren't any actual *recipes,* CRE, just information on the practice in PNG, and advice on how to cook the meat, once it was properly dressed.

            Note: Long pig is cooked just like pork.

            And NO, I DON'T KNOW THAT FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE! I read it in a book (Kaikai Aniani).

          2. C_R_Eature

            OK, thanks. That's good to know.

            I still think it's Suspicious that you just happen to know so much about the Practice. There's still the small matter of those missing neighbors, too.

          3. C_R_Eature

            Yeah. Those neighbors are exactly where you saw them last. Uh huh.
            I really want to try that Fruit Bat recipe. There's only a few in my area though, and I'm pretty sure the Zoological park would miss them.
            I do have wood grubs in the back, but not so magnificently large as those ones.

          4. Weedlord BonerHitler

            I *don't* have a freezer. Well, not that large a freezer.

            Don't be thinning out your local fruit bats, dude, there's more in the tropics anyway. As for the grubs, ew. I'm so not into alternate protein sources. Did I mention the partner has been permanently banned from cooking in my kitchen after mentioning he offered a garlic cicada stir-fry to his nutbag friends on the Sewer Tour? Yeah, that's what he does for fun. I'm sticking to chicken pork beef lamb goose et cetera.

  14. DemonicRage

    I want him to form an accapella group along with Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner. Singing should cheer him up. Too bad that Spitzer is now so reannointed that he is too busy pontificating on every media venue that will print or air his opinions (has no time for musical performance)!

  15. C_R_Eature

    So, the takeaway theme for this story:

    Democratic House members who suffer from debilitating mental illness take a leave of absence and, when that fails to work, resign.

    Republican House members who suffer from debilitating mental illness stubbornly stay at work and are appointed to the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology .

    I see.

  16. christianmuslin

    I suspect that @ 47 % of the voting public suffers from bipolar disorder. How could any mentally healthy person support Mittons of Romney, the republican platform and that little naked cherub Macaroni?

  17. Negropolis

    They just don't make 'em like they used to, huh?

    While I'm sure his diagnosis was a major contributor to him deciding to leave, it's probably not the top reason. People have served in far worse shape than him. Hell, his own senator, Mark Kirk, is still in there dealing with the after-effects of a stroke.

    It's not his head that has him unsettled, it's all the king's men closing in on him. Classic case of overstaying one's welcome. Sometimes, when you shit and don't get off the pot, you get pushed of.

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      Even Jr.'s own mother was quoted as saying (and I sarcastically paraphrase), "in my day we took our lumps, these kids today can't handle adversity without shitting their Pampers."

      (OK, the exact quote was, “I’m not ashamed to say … he thought he was going to be a senator. He thought he was going to have a chance to run for mayor. And young people don’t bounce back from disappointment like me and my husband.")

  18. ttommyunger

    Exhaustion, Bi-Polar, Tri-Polar; all so much bullshit. This is what a coward does when the shit gets heavy and the walls start closing in. Man-up, son and pay the piper; you've had your dance.

    1. Negropolis

      You call it a coward move, and I just call it a move to save his constiuents the circus of a trial that would have been if he hadn't resigned. A smart man knows when he's beat.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        I think ttommy is referring to the sudden diagnosis of Bi-Polar/exhaustion conveniently when word first got out that he was being investigated, not this resignation.

      2. ttommyunger

        The resignation is cool. The drama-queen bullshit of hospitalization was just a delaying tactic and a play for sympathy. Takes up a bed, costs us a bundle to no good end. The old man would have rode that bull.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

        1. Negropolis

          Oh, completely. He dragged out this circus longer than it had to be. I'm just glad he's finally going to quit if that's how he was going to "fight" his troubles.

  19. Walkinwiddaking

    Between the antics of his old man and himself I have zero, zip, zilch sympathy for either of these opportunistic assholes.

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