new sheriff not in town

Unsuccessful Sheriff Candidate Who Promised To Arrest All Abortions Moves To Chile To Be Next Pinochet Maybe

you feel lucky, punk?People of Hillsborough County, New Hampshire! You have done a great disservice to yourself and this nation by failing to elect Frank Szabo as sheriff. Now who will protect you all from federal agents and abortions?

In an interview with the Monitor ahead of the primary, Szabo pledged to protect citizens against rogue federal bureaucrats if elected, arresting government agents if he thought it necessary to protect property and personal rights. In an earlier interview with WMUR, he had said he might use deadly force to stop abortions but later retracted that statement, saying that he would simply arrest abortion providers.


Frank Szabo was going to give you everything, people of Hillsborough County New Hampshire. He was going to help you understand why abortion is like slavery! He was going to dispense some stone cold posse citizen’s justice all over your fair New England land.

Szabo said he would arrest doctors who perform elective or late-term abortions and bring them to the county attorney to prosecute, even if the doctors’ actions were allowed under state law.

“The county attorney would then need to follow through on prosecuting,” Szabo said. “And if they choose not to do their duty and uphold the constitution, they can be brought up on charges before what is called a citizens grand jury, which is something that is not common in the United States, but again is something based in common law that is within the purview of the county sheriff.”

Who doesn’t want a sheriff that ignores the law?? Since you were so foolish, people of Hillsborough County, New Hampshire, Mr. Szabo has decamped to…well, we don’t know where, because his location is seekrit because he is concerned about “capital controls; current and forthcoming.” We have no idea what that is, but it sounds terrifying.

Fare thee well, Frank Szabo. America is endlessly poorer for your absence. We’ll just have to cuddle Sheriff Joe Arpaio instead.


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  1. sewollef

    What the fuck has Chile done to deserve this asshole? Hasn't it suffered enough over the years.

    And this dick was going to arrest doctors for following the law. Gee, what's wrong with that concept?

    ps. Good morning fellow Wonketeers. Happy day before Thanksgiving!

      1. LesBontemps

        Good news! Since that's not an actual elected office, he can still be one; he just has to start calling himself the Constitutional Sheriff of Hillsborough County. Of course, he'd have to pay for his own uniform, badge and gun, which is a deal-breaker, probably.

    1. Redhead

      He was also going to go after the DA for "not doing his duty" if he didn't prosecute people who had broken no laws and couldn't therefore be prosecuted.
      The logical thinking with this one is just… staggering.

  2. CapeClod

    "They can be brought up on charges before what is called a citizens grand jury, which is something that is not common in the United States"

    In other words, its illegal.

    1. Defeatably_Joe

      Right, this is what the Sovereign Citizen loonies keep trying to do, in between tax fraud schemes and filing baseless and harrassing litigation against every public official they can find.

      Which explains why this guy was running for County Sheriff, since he probably thinks that County Sheriff is the highest legitimate political office in the United States.

      1. Biff

        They also think gold is the only legitimate currency, so be prepared to pay for traffic stop slavery with gold, bitches!

    1. Terry

      New Hampshire is being invaded by idiots from across the country whose goal is to turn the state into a libertarian paradise. I'm surprised they didn't elect this guy, but then again, all the free staters were probably smoking weed in a house or apartment they've "claimed" via squatters' rights and forgot to vote.

    2. Lot_49

      Mitt's still got a mansion there. Does he have that luminary glow anymore? He was spotted pumping his own gas, eating pizza and visiting Disneyland yesterday, so maybe not.

  3. BadKitty904

    Good thing his campaign for sheriff wasn't hampered by extraneous issues, like, you know, enforcing the law or stopping crime.

    So, New Hampshire is the Yankee Arizona?

      1. BadKitty904

        To the best of my knowledge, I've never even seen a New Hamshiran (New Hampshirite? New Hamster?), much less one of their license plates. They're on the opposite end of the country from me.

        1. LesBontemps

          Oh, sorry. Their license plates famously read "Live Free Or Die, Motherfucker!" Although the "Motherfucker" part might only be implied.

      2. Pres.Beeblebrox

        what, the picture of a stony mountain formation that looks like a dude's face which recently slid off into a ravine?

        Srsly, New Hamster isn't all that batshit crazy, just slightly. Enough to attract the "Free State Project"/open carry/Live Free Or Die, Yo type of people, of whom Mister Szabo is apparently one.

    1. Lizzietish81

      Friend of mine used to go up there for tax free ciggarettes (of freedom!) and quoted the state motto as "Live Free and Die"

      If you go up rt 1 from Massachusetts as soon as you cross the border there's a big sign that says "Live Nude Ladies" which marks what my brother in law dubbed, the "Strip Mall of Sin". In addition to the porno store (with the live nude ladies) there was a fireworks store (illegal in MA), a tatoo parlor (was illegal in MA then), a liquor store, a head shop and a comic book store.

      Good times.

      My favorite recent story of New Hampshire politics was when the legislature was supposed to vote on an amendment banning same sex marriage, which national Republicans were frothing over because the legislature was full of republicans…

      It got killed, hard core, with votes and while the National Party couldn't figure it out I was like, well of course, because they're not just Republicans, they're libertarians, and actual libertarians at that, so they scoff at government control like that.

      1. Pres.Beeblebrox

        N.H. once had so many Libertarians elected to their House of Representatives (which is huge for such a small state, something like 450 members) that they were the first and only state to have a Libertarian Party caucus in an elective body.

      2. boskolives

        They had poor attendance with their previous sign, "Dead Nude Ladies", so this will be called a "Pro-Life" move by those in the New Hampshire financial world.

    2. mbatch

      Would someone please explain to me how a full-strength libertarian can be anti-choice? I once asked a libertarian friend who lapsed into high dudgeon, apparently a synonym for "just don't ask".

      1. Yellerdawg

        It's called cognitive dissonance, which allows a person to hold two exactly conflicting ideas, and take the resulting stress out as anger directed towards anyone who points out that they may just be stupid.

  4. Goonemeritus

    I think being able to arrest people, even for legal actions is a precedent worth exploring. I have often fantasized about arresting my 350lbs neighbor for mowing his lawn shirtless all summer. And then there is the lady down the street who refuses to cut down her sumac I would have her locked up for as an example to the other lawn care slackers.

    1. sewollef

      Good point G. Come to think of it I'd like to arrest my next door neighbour, Mrs Grumpy, who insists on using a leaf blower [aka. make it someone else's problem] and blowing their leaves over my garden.

      She deserves 30-days in Rikers.

    2. tessiee

      "I have often fantasized about arresting my 350lbs neighbor for mowing his lawn shirtless all summer."

      I'll see you your neighbor and raise you my neighbor who is not obese, just a generic chunky middle-aged guy, but who mows his lawn wearing baggy underwear boxer shorts printed with big valentine hearts, like who knew those even existed outside of cartoons? Bonus: After awhile, he starts sweating the shorts into transparency.

  5. Mahousu

    Szabo informs us that "the County Sheriff actually has more power than the POTUS within the borders of the county." It would have been fun to see him try that out.

    1. Estproph

      His campaign was probably angling to get the Hillsborough County nuclear codes, so that he could start a war with Merrimack county.

  6. coolhandnuke

    No fucking way did this xenophobic troglodyte hightail it somewhere foreign. He's too clueless to survive a month abroad. He's gotta be lurking in some bunker in Dingleberry RFD.

  7. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Szabo said he would arrest doctors who perform elective or late-term abortions and bring them to the county attorney to prosecute

    I'd like to take a good chunk of the populace who voted Republican to their county attorney to prosecute for being fuckwits, but I expect I'd get the same response as this assblintz would have done.

  8. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Seems like there should be a Bob Marley song about this guy.

    Merry Pre-Thanksgiving you silly Libtards!

    1. BadKitty904

      I'm sure he issued himself one, as a Free and Independent Citizen.

      I wonder if he knows that they speak Furrin' in Chile?

  9. Mahousu

    If he shows up in libertarian paradise Chile, he will be surprised to find that (a) it's not actually a libertarian paradise; and (b) they don't speak English, they speak (shudder) … Spanish.

      1. Lot_49

        Actually not so much. It's populated mostly by descendants of European immigrants who ran the indigenous peoples off to Tierra del Fuego. The eurotrash live off various extraction industries, mostly copper mines, but also lumber and fishing. Lots of salmon in those rivers.

        Brazil, on the other hand, has a glorious tapestry of genetic heritages on account of they hung onto slavery even longer than we did.

        Which reminds me: TL Jones as Thaddeus Stevens in "Lincoln" is glorious, just amazing.

          1. Lot_49

            When you visit as a tourist, they are magically invisible. For some reason the copper pits aren't on most itineraries.

    1. sewollef

      Your forgetting one other little thing, M.

      Chile has gen-u-wine Leftist political parties, including:

      Partido Socialista de Chile [socialists]
      Partido Radical Socialdemócrata [socialists]
      Partido Regionalista de los Independientes [socialists]
      Partido Comunista de Chile [err, commies]
      Partido Humanista [humanist socialists]
      Movimiento Amplio Social ['broad' socialists]
      Partido Ecologista Verde [green socialist hippies]
      Partido Progresista [socialists]
      Partido Igualdad [equal rights socialists]

      And…. the Partido Izquierda Cristiana de Chile

      Yes, even the Christian Party of Chile is leftist.

      Are we sure Mr Sheriff has done his research? I'm thinking Sudan is a better fit.

      1. iburl

        I think the key consideration is that that they do not extradite people to the U.S. that are on the run from the IRS (Just a wild guess.)

  10. Kid_Charlemagne

    The common law used to provide for trial by ordeal too. I'd be happy to toss this dolt into a lake myself.

  11. PsycWench

    Our sheriff candidates just talk about boring stuff like basic safety. None of that bad-ass creative "law" enforcement.

  12. Boskolives

    A simple case of not appreciating how small of a window there is when life needs protection. From conception (some may say from erection) to birth it’s sacred, after the birth event, the kid’s on his or her own.
    In a related issue, the shortest list there is on earth would be that of “Pro-Life” supporters who have showed up to protest criminals being executed. Just saying…

  13. Terry

    Abortion is against "common law' and under the purview of a local sheriff?

    Adios, dude, I feel sorry for the people of Chile.

    1. SorosBot

      You would think someone who wanted to be in charge of law enforcement would know that in the US, common law only applies to civil, not criminal, law. You can only be arrested for violating an actual statute.

  14. Poindexter718

    Citizen Szabo begins his missive thusly: "I want to thank you for having stood by me, even during the most embarrassing of times."
    George Washington's farewell address, Lou Gehrig's goodbye in Yankee stadium, and now one more heartfelt valedictory enters the pantheon.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Seems to me he'd be more comfortable as the sheriff of some county in the southern part of the country.

  16. boskolives

    People of New Hampshire didn't see his point because it was covered by by his white Klan robe, and perhaps they were distracted by flames jumping from his torch?

  17. Tundra Grifter

    After seeing that picture, we all know where Jill Kelley and her fine sister got their signature "Bent Neck Photo Pose."

  18. bflrtsplk

    This Teaborg might be happy to know that South Americans enjoy using Yankee visitors for target practice.

    1. GlowneyHouse

      So he's Sheriff Taylor. Not exactly Sheriff Andy Taylor, but it explains the Barney Fife reference.

  19. Lizzietish81

    Apparently it is legal under common law for a man to beat his wife with a stick "no thicker than his thumb"

  20. Baba_NinjaCat12

    Frank can finally attain his goal and be able to wear: a sheriff uniform, a badge and a gun as part of a costume as a RODEO CLOWN!

    1. Redhead

      "Candidate says he let his imagination get out of control."

      Well… I guess it beats "I'm sorry you were offended by my totally legit comments"????
      (And then he goes on to talk about how he feels when walking in on an abortion-in-progress… which, unlike GETTING one, actually would break laws and HIPPA…)

  21. Lizzietish81

    Also, the "Capitol Controls" he's talking about?

    I'm thinking taxes, as in the IRS is probably gonna want to check his records to see if he's paid like…ever

  22. BaldarTFlagass

    “The county attorney would then need to follow through on prosecuting,” Szabo said. “And if they choose not to do their duty and uphold the constitution, they can be brought up on charges"

    They're gonna need a bigger prison.

  23. mavenmaven

    He's passing through Chile to reach Argentina. He heard the chicas in Argentina like former GOP candidates.

  24. LibertyLover

    At least he is taking his pledge to secede if BHO was re-elected seriously, unlike all of the other RWNJ's who still are sitting in their mom's basements getting high on cheetos, monster drinks and hohos Little Debbie Swiss Rolls.

  25. Tio_Doidinho

    This inbred dipshit has a hell of a learning curve up ahead.

    And if he did wind up in SA, I certainly hope somebody's filming this.

  26. sundaytrucker

    We aren't all crazy up here. Sure we've had our fair share of crazies (Lyndon LaRouche, Meldrin Thompson) but we have a democratic governor, both us reps are dems and one dem for a us senator. So we're just the right amount of crazy. We let them run, but we don't let them rule. The free-stater bullshit wasn't our idea, btw. Also, fuck you, "live free or die" is an awesome motto and you know it.

  27. cognachas4paws

    Just once I really would like to see these idiots actually try to start arresting federal agents for enforcing the law. Just once. Pretty please?

  28. Nowisallthereis

    But what about all his crappy Pizza places in all the malls?

    What, not him?

    Oh, queue Gilda Radner.

  29. glamourdammerung

    This guy is a total moron and yet still managed to show more intellectual and moral consistency than Chairman Limbaugh and several Republican governors.

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