new sheriff not in town

Unsuccessful Sheriff Candidate Who Promised To Arrest All Abortions Moves To Chile To Be Next Pinochet Maybe

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you feel lucky, punk?People of Hillsborough County, New Hampshire! You have done a great disservice to yourself and this nation by failing to elect Frank Szabo as sheriff. Now who will protect you all from federal agents and abortions?

In an interview with the Monitor ahead of the primary, Szabo pledged to protect citizens against rogue federal bureaucrats if elected, arresting government agents if he thought it necessary to protect property and personal rights. In an earlier interview with WMUR, he had said he might use deadly force to stop abortions but later retracted that statement, saying that he would simply arrest abortion providers.


Frank Szabo was going to give you everything, people of Hillsborough County New Hampshire. He was going to help you understand why abortion is like slavery! He was going to dispense some stone cold posse citizen’s justice all over your fair New England land.

Szabo said he would arrest doctors who perform elective or late-term abortions and bring them to the county attorney to prosecute, even if the doctors’ actions were allowed under state law.

“The county attorney would then need to follow through on prosecuting,” Szabo said. “And if they choose not to do their duty and uphold the constitution, they can be brought up on charges before what is called a citizens grand jury, which is something that is not common in the United States, but again is something based in common law that is within the purview of the county sheriff.”

Who doesn’t want a sheriff that ignores the law?? Since you were so foolish, people of Hillsborough County, New Hampshire, Mr. Szabo has decamped to…well, we don’t know where, because his location is seekrit because he is concerned about “capital controls; current and forthcoming.” We have no idea what that is, but it sounds terrifying.

Sponsored Intermission

Fare thee well, Frank Szabo. America is endlessly poorer for your absence. We’ll just have to cuddle Sheriff Joe Arpaio instead.


About the author


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  • sewollef

    What the fuck has Chile done to deserve this asshole? Hasn't it suffered enough over the years.

    And this dick was going to arrest doctors for following the law. Gee, what's wrong with that concept?

    ps. Good morning fellow Wonketeers. Happy day before Thanksgiving!

    • Mahousu

      He was going to be a "Constitutional Sheriff." That means he is above mere human laws.

      • LesBontemps

        Good news! Since that's not an actual elected office, he can still be one; he just has to start calling himself the Constitutional Sheriff of Hillsborough County. Of course, he'd have to pay for his own uniform, badge and gun, which is a deal-breaker, probably.

      • BadKitty904

        I.e., "a dick."

    • Redhead

      He was also going to go after the DA for "not doing his duty" if he didn't prosecute people who had broken no laws and couldn't therefore be prosecuted.
      The logical thinking with this one is just… staggering.

    • MegPasadena

      I heard that Chile has the strictest abortion laws ever!

  • CapeClod

    "They can be brought up on charges before what is called a citizens grand jury, which is something that is not common in the United States"

    In other words, its illegal.

    • Defeatably_Joe

      Right, this is what the Sovereign Citizen loonies keep trying to do, in between tax fraud schemes and filing baseless and harrassing litigation against every public official they can find.

      Which explains why this guy was running for County Sheriff, since he probably thinks that County Sheriff is the highest legitimate political office in the United States.

      • BadKitty904

        He certainly sounds "high."

      • Biff

        They also think gold is the only legitimate currency, so be prepared to pay for traffic stop slavery with gold, bitches!

    • PsycWench

      Or imaginary?

  • vtxmcrider

    What was New Hampshire thinking? It has to retain all the luminaries it can!

    • Terry

      New Hampshire is being invaded by idiots from across the country whose goal is to turn the state into a libertarian paradise. I'm surprised they didn't elect this guy, but then again, all the free staters were probably smoking weed in a house or apartment they've "claimed" via squatters' rights and forgot to vote.

    • Lot_49

      Mitt's still got a mansion there. Does he have that luminary glow anymore? He was spotted pumping his own gas, eating pizza and visiting Disneyland yesterday, so maybe not.

  • BadKitty904

    Good thing his campaign for sheriff wasn't hampered by extraneous issues, like, you know, enforcing the law or stopping crime.

    So, New Hampshire is the Yankee Arizona?

    • LesBontemps

      Have you read their license plates?

      • BadKitty904

        To the best of my knowledge, I've never even seen a New Hamshiran (New Hampshirite? New Hamster?), much less one of their license plates. They're on the opposite end of the country from me.

        • LesBontemps

          Oh, sorry. Their license plates famously read "Live Free Or Die, Motherfucker!" Although the "Motherfucker" part might only be implied.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            You need the "They Live" special glasses to see the "Motherfucker" part.

          • actor212

            We must sympathize with these poor souls, however. Remember, they lost their state symbol, the iconic "Old Perv of the Mountain."

          • MosesInvests

            I once saw there "New Hampshire: Live, Freeze and Die."

        • boskolives

          Apparently many are on the opposite end of the food chain, too.

      • Pres.Beeblebrox

        what, the picture of a stony mountain formation that looks like a dude's face which recently slid off into a ravine?

        Srsly, New Hamster isn't all that batshit crazy, just slightly. Enough to attract the "Free State Project"/open carry/Live Free Or Die, Yo type of people, of whom Mister Szabo is apparently one.

      • Biff

        They should just die already.

    • Lizzietish81

      Friend of mine used to go up there for tax free ciggarettes (of freedom!) and quoted the state motto as "Live Free and Die"

      If you go up rt 1 from Massachusetts as soon as you cross the border there's a big sign that says "Live Nude Ladies" which marks what my brother in law dubbed, the "Strip Mall of Sin". In addition to the porno store (with the live nude ladies) there was a fireworks store (illegal in MA), a tatoo parlor (was illegal in MA then), a liquor store, a head shop and a comic book store.

      Good times.

      My favorite recent story of New Hampshire politics was when the legislature was supposed to vote on an amendment banning same sex marriage, which national Republicans were frothing over because the legislature was full of republicans…

      It got killed, hard core, with votes and while the National Party couldn't figure it out I was like, well of course, because they're not just Republicans, they're libertarians, and actual libertarians at that, so they scoff at government control like that.

      • Pres.Beeblebrox

        N.H. once had so many Libertarians elected to their House of Representatives (which is huge for such a small state, something like 450 members) that they were the first and only state to have a Libertarian Party caucus in an elective body.

      • BadKitty904

        "Strip Mall of Sin" would be a SWEET name for a band!

      • boskolives

        They had poor attendance with their previous sign, "Dead Nude Ladies", so this will be called a "Pro-Life" move by those in the New Hampshire financial world.

    • mbatch

      Would someone please explain to me how a full-strength libertarian can be anti-choice? I once asked a libertarian friend who lapsed into high dudgeon, apparently a synonym for "just don't ask".

      • Yellerdawg

        It's called cognitive dissonance, which allows a person to hold two exactly conflicting ideas, and take the resulting stress out as anger directed towards anyone who points out that they may just be stupid.

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    Is that a bullet in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

    • NDeeeZ

      A .22

      • Tundra Grifter


        • boskolives

          A small bore?

          • Yellerdawg

            With a wet primer and no load.

  • Goonemeritus

    I think being able to arrest people, even for legal actions is a precedent worth exploring. I have often fantasized about arresting my 350lbs neighbor for mowing his lawn shirtless all summer. And then there is the lady down the street who refuses to cut down her sumac I would have her locked up for as an example to the other lawn care slackers.

    • sewollef

      Good point G. Come to think of it I'd like to arrest my next door neighbour, Mrs Grumpy, who insists on using a leaf blower [aka. make it someone else's problem] and blowing their leaves over my garden.

      She deserves 30-days in Rikers.

    • tessiee

      "I have often fantasized about arresting my 350lbs neighbor for mowing his lawn shirtless all summer."

      I'll see you your neighbor and raise you my neighbor who is not obese, just a generic chunky middle-aged guy, but who mows his lawn wearing baggy underwear boxer shorts printed with big valentine hearts, like who knew those even existed outside of cartoons? Bonus: After awhile, he starts sweating the shorts into transparency.

    • deanbooth

      My neighbor watches, watches, always watching… waiting to mow his lawn until I decide to sit on my backyard patio.

  • LesBontemps

    This sheriff is not near. Thank goodness.

  • Mahousu

    Szabo informs us that "the County Sheriff actually has more power than the POTUS within the borders of the county." It would have been fun to see him try that out.

    • CapeClod

      I want to hear him say that when the 82nd Airborne shows up.

      • Lot_49

        And he should keep an eye open for small aircraft with no apparent cockpits.

    • Estproph

      His campaign was probably angling to get the Hillsborough County nuclear codes, so that he could start a war with Merrimack county.

      • BadKitty904

        It's obviously his manifest destiny.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    You got to nip it in the bud!

    • Biff

      Obscure Barney Fife ref!

  • sewollef

    Oh, Snipy…. where's our Alt Text surprise? We loves our alt text on this here board.

  • coolhandnuke

    No fucking way did this xenophobic troglodyte hightail it somewhere foreign. He's too clueless to survive a month abroad. He's gotta be lurking in some bunker in Dingleberry RFD.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Szabo said he would arrest doctors who perform elective or late-term abortions and bring them to the county attorney to prosecute

    I'd like to take a good chunk of the populace who voted Republican to their county attorney to prosecute for being fuckwits, but I expect I'd get the same response as this assblintz would have done.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Seems like there should be a Bob Marley song about this guy.

    Merry Pre-Thanksgiving you silly Libtards!

  • CrunchyKnee

    Dude has a passport?

    • BadKitty904

      I'm sure he issued himself one, as a Free and Independent Citizen.

      I wonder if he knows that they speak Furrin' in Chile?

      • shelwood46

        He actually went to Chili's.

  • NDeeeZ

    Laws are for pussy Sheriffs!

    And while we're at it, "We don't need no stinking badges!"

    • kittensdontlie

      And when the entire populace of the county is in jail, policing will be a breeze.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Szabo, an aspiring organic farmer

    It appears that this year's mushroom crop was a real humdinger!

  • Mahousu

    If he shows up in libertarian paradise Chile, he will be surprised to find that (a) it's not actually a libertarian paradise; and (b) they don't speak English, they speak (shudder) … Spanish.

    • boskolives

      And many of them are "dark", also.

      • Lot_49

        Actually not so much. It's populated mostly by descendants of European immigrants who ran the indigenous peoples off to Tierra del Fuego. The eurotrash live off various extraction industries, mostly copper mines, but also lumber and fishing. Lots of salmon in those rivers.

        Brazil, on the other hand, has a glorious tapestry of genetic heritages on account of they hung onto slavery even longer than we did.

        Which reminds me: TL Jones as Thaddeus Stevens in "Lincoln" is glorious, just amazing.

        • Biff

          Eurotrash don't do the actual mining, though–gotta have browns for that shit.

          • Lot_49

            When you visit as a tourist, they are magically invisible. For some reason the copper pits aren't on most itineraries.

    • Oblios_Cap

      And he's in for a real shock when he goes to watch a futbol game!

    • Negropolis

      Wrong. They speak Mexican.

      • LesBontemps


        • Lot_49


    • sewollef

      Your forgetting one other little thing, M.

      Chile has gen-u-wine Leftist political parties, including:

      Partido Socialista de Chile [socialists]
      Partido Radical Socialdemócrata [socialists]
      Partido Regionalista de los Independientes [socialists]
      Partido Comunista de Chile [err, commies]
      Partido Humanista [humanist socialists]
      Movimiento Amplio Social ['broad' socialists]
      Partido Ecologista Verde [green socialist hippies]
      Partido Progresista [socialists]
      Partido Igualdad [equal rights socialists]

      And…. the Partido Izquierda Cristiana de Chile

      Yes, even the Christian Party of Chile is leftist.

      Are we sure Mr Sheriff has done his research? I'm thinking Sudan is a better fit.

      • iburl

        I think the key consideration is that that they do not extradite people to the U.S. that are on the run from the IRS (Just a wild guess.)

      • BadKitty904

        Not to mention "The Revolutionary Army of the Infant Jesus"…

      • HistoriCat

        I would like to know more about these socialist broads.

  • kyeshinka

    I'm sending Chile a care package.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    The common law used to provide for trial by ordeal too. I'd be happy to toss this dolt into a lake myself.

    • BadKitty904

      If…he…weighs the same as a duck……he's made of wood…

  • CrunchyKnee

    Hey, Szabo, Augusto Pinochet aint there no more.

  • PsycWench

    Our sheriff candidates just talk about boring stuff like basic safety. None of that bad-ass creative "law" enforcement.

  • Boskolives

    A simple case of not appreciating how small of a window there is when life needs protection. From conception (some may say from erection) to birth it’s sacred, after the birth event, the kid’s on his or her own.
    In a related issue, the shortest list there is on earth would be that of “Pro-Life” supporters who have showed up to protest criminals being executed. Just saying…

  • Negropolis

    They take Live Free or Die kind of serious, huh?

    • BadKitty904

      Sounds like he's backing "Live Free or Flee."

  • seppdecker

    Now he's the Sheriff of Nothingham.

  • Terry

    Abortion is against "common law' and under the purview of a local sheriff?

    Adios, dude, I feel sorry for the people of Chile.

    • SorosBot

      You would think someone who wanted to be in charge of law enforcement would know that in the US, common law only applies to civil, not criminal, law. You can only be arrested for violating an actual statute.

  • Poindexter718

    Citizen Szabo begins his missive thusly: "I want to thank you for having stood by me, even during the most embarrassing of times."
    George Washington's farewell address, Lou Gehrig's goodbye in Yankee stadium, and now one more heartfelt valedictory enters the pantheon.

    • BadKitty904

      Wait, he had times that were even MORE embarrassing than this drama-queen exit???

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Seems to me he'd be more comfortable as the sheriff of some county in the southern part of the country.

    • Terry

      Maricopa County, Arizona, perhaps.

  • boskolives

    People of New Hampshire didn't see his point because it was covered by by his white Klan robe, and perhaps they were distracted by flames jumping from his torch?

  • dennis1943

    Oh what to do with that surplus in the budget………..

  • Tundra Grifter

    After seeing that picture, we all know where Jill Kelley and her fine sister got their signature "Bent Neck Photo Pose."

  • Estproph

    Unfortunately, the state motto of New Hampshire in some areas is Live Stupid Or Die.

  • bflrtsplk

    This Teaborg might be happy to know that South Americans enjoy using Yankee visitors for target practice.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dude, check your heritage. "Szabo" is Hungarian for "tailor," not "sheriff."

    • GlowneyHouse

      So he's Sheriff Taylor. Not exactly Sheriff Andy Taylor, but it explains the Barney Fife reference.

    • BadKitty904

      Sounds kinda…furrin'…

    • Biff

      Some tailors also shred the guitar. RIP Gabor Szabo, died way too young…

  • boskolives

    Be careful what you say, judging by the photo it could be his week to carry the bullet.

  • Lizzietish81

    Apparently it is legal under common law for a man to beat his wife with a stick "no thicker than his thumb"

    • Negropolis

      Well, then, his dick should do just fine.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Frank can finally attain his goal and be able to wear: a sheriff uniform, a badge and a gun as part of a costume as a RODEO CLOWN!

  • SorosBot

    Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, asshole. Or do, we really don't give a shit.

  • Mumbletypeg

    This guy makes Henery the Chickenhawk going after Foghorn's egg bait look righteous.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Buford T. Justice.

  • Negropolis

    LOL! Just went to his campaign website, and featured prominent in the upper right-hand corner is a button that reads Apology for Abortion Comments. Bless his stupid little heart.

    Politics, Szabo; you're doing it wrong.

    • Redhead

      "Candidate says he let his imagination get out of control."

      Well… I guess it beats "I'm sorry you were offended by my totally legit comments"????
      (And then he goes on to talk about how he feels when walking in on an abortion-in-progress… which, unlike GETTING one, actually would break laws and HIPPA…)

  • actor212

    Capital Controls. Sounds like an exterminator.

  • Lizzietish81

    Also, the "Capitol Controls" he's talking about?

    I'm thinking taxes, as in the IRS is probably gonna want to check his records to see if he's paid like…ever

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “The county attorney would then need to follow through on prosecuting,” Szabo said. “And if they choose not to do their duty and uphold the constitution, they can be brought up on charges"

    They're gonna need a bigger prison.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "rogue federal bureaucrats"

    Know what's worse than that? Feral federal bureaucrats.

    • boskolives

      C'mon, it's Thanksgiving, give Sarah a break until she runs for something again.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Was there a trout in his milk? Or maybe a Chilean Sea Bass?

  • mavenmaven

    He's passing through Chile to reach Argentina. He heard the chicas in Argentina like former GOP candidates.

  • LibertyLover

    At least he is taking his pledge to secede if BHO was re-elected seriously, unlike all of the other RWNJ's who still are sitting in their mom's basements getting high on cheetos, monster drinks and hohos Little Debbie Swiss Rolls.

  • BZ1

    Why do dimwits who quote the Constitution, never have any idea what is in it?

  • Tio_Doidinho

    This inbred dipshit has a hell of a learning curve up ahead.

    And if he did wind up in SA, I certainly hope somebody's filming this.

  • sundaytrucker

    We aren't all crazy up here. Sure we've had our fair share of crazies (Lyndon LaRouche, Meldrin Thompson) but we have a democratic governor, both us reps are dems and one dem for a us senator. So we're just the right amount of crazy. We let them run, but we don't let them rule. The free-stater bullshit wasn't our idea, btw. Also, fuck you, "live free or die" is an awesome motto and you know it.

  • cognachas4paws

    Just once I really would like to see these idiots actually try to start arresting federal agents for enforcing the law. Just once. Pretty please?

    • sullivanst

      Oh, it's happened already. I know you've read some of TPM's coverage of sovereign citizen cases like Darren Huff.

  • TribecaMike

    Capital controls? Holy impossible trinity trilemma, Batman!

  • ttommyunger

    The Derp is strong with this one, he's managed to make Sheriff Joe R. Piehole seem reasonable.

    • sullivanst

      A little tame for your typical Sovereign Citizen, maybe he's just getting started out.

      • ttommyunger

        Nice start, lets hope he has similar success in all his endeavors.

  • Nowisallthereis

    But what about all his crappy Pizza places in all the malls?

    What, not him?

    Oh, queue Gilda Radner.

  • valthemus

    "We’ll just have to cuddle Sheriff Joe Arpaio instead. "


  • glamourdammerung

    This guy is a total moron and yet still managed to show more intellectual and moral consistency than Chairman Limbaugh and several Republican governors.

  • redarmyzombie

    Hm, capital controls. Does that have anything to do with our precious bodily fluids?

  • al2o3cr

    Wait till he finds out Chile has universal health care:

    Then again, there's not many places in the world he *could* move to that would let him avoid that particular teabagger-bane…