Now We Shall Repost Ken Layne’s Repost Of Juli Weiner’s Writeup Of Betty Ford’s Boozy Chocolate Cake

  first lady recipes

That is Betty Ford on the left, holding baby Willow. She looks so young!Who can forget this classic Thanksgiving liquor cake recipe from First Lady Betty Ford? Our dearly departed Juli Weiner wrote this up several Thanksgivings ago, and we still reprint it every year, even though now she makes Harry Potter slash fiction photo-comics for Vanity Fair:

Here is one for the “chocoholics,” starring Betty Ford! It’s a Chocolate Icebox Dessert, and while it SOUNDS racist, that is just because of all the liquor.

Grab the following:

6 eggs
1 angel food cake
12 oz. chocolate chips
4 tb. of sugar
6 tb. of water
2 ts. vanilla
1 ts. salt
2 c. whipping cream

12 steps to dessert fun:

 
Related video

Get a cake pan, it should measure 9 x 9, so it should look like a square. Line it with “wax paper,” which people… buy.. at.. hardware stores (?). Cut up the angel food cake, use a spoon or plastic spatula or some dull edge—NO ONE LIKES A PROBLEM—and place it in the pan. Separate the eggs and beat the yolks until they have reached a Bellini-like coloring and consistency.

Melt the chocolate in a double boiler over water. Ask someone what a double boiler is. Have that person boil the chocolate. Squeeze that person’s waist inappropriately, wink, and walk out of the room to lie down. Using your hands to make sure the floor is still there, come back to the kitchen and add sugar and water and mix, and then add in egg yolks too. Beat it awhile more, just beat it until you feel like you’re losing control, and then sit for awhile and come back and beat it some more and then let it cool. “Just be cool,” you’ll say aloud, “to the dessert.”

Add vanilla and salt, get the person who found the boiler and ask them why this is the single most complicated recipe on Earth. You’re not even HUNGRY. You just ate yesterday. Mix again, beat the egg whites and fold them into the chocolate and then add the whip cream, which you also should have beaten, because you have to do everything. Everything’s on your shoulders, all the time, just like this constant weight. Spread the frosting around the cake part and put it in the refrigerator overnight. Sleep slumped up against the refrigerator, so you’ll be able to tell if anything goes wrong.

[RecipeSource]

Related

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

172 comments

  1. ttommyunger

    Enuff with the food porn, pleeze! This is starting to look like my "over the top with excitement" FB Pages.

      1. ttommyunger

        Oh, well, nobody can be on their game every day. Shit, once a Month would be a good average for me.

          1. ttommyunger

            Oh Crank, you modest fellow; we both know you have more snark in your little peen (just guessing) than I have in my whole misshapen body. ps-I assume everybody has a little peen; it just makes me feel better.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      C'mon you guys, chill. Haven't most of you been around this blog long enough to be aware of all our internet traditions?

    2. GhostBuggy

      But it's the annual tradition! Wake me when we get to Burroughs and his thoughts re: our proud American guts. I'll be passed out from drinking cooking sherry until then.

      1. ttommyunger

        With my memory, annual traditions are a monumental waste of time. I'm like a goose: I wake up in a new world every day.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

        1. Nibbler of Niblonia

          my people have traveled to earth many times throughout human history in order to nudge along technological progress for mankind in the art of instant desserts. pudding. jiffy pop. jello. we even taught your human ancestors how to make ants on a log and to put ho-hos in the microwave.

          these things were vital to the human race's survival. I was at the first Thanksgiving!

    1. Crank_Tango

      God what was the disgusting thing Rush Limbaugh's mom used to make?

      Like pretzels and cigarette butts and mustard and lime jello with a gin floater?

        1. glasspusher

          seriously, though, what are brownies? Baked icing, just about.

          Also, I make a decent apple pie, but not enough so I feel comfortable making crust. Drives me crazy the two times a year I make it.

  2. miss_grundy

    Aren't you going to post an article about Mittens pumping his own gas in La Jolla! Why, that is all over the Internets!

    1. sullivanst

      I guess he really does like firing people who provide him with services. Cali Wonkers: get your job applications to be Mittens' next gas pumper in now!

        1. sullivanst

          Those friendly commies may still be found in these parts, even though the even-more-local mom&pop hardware store in town boarded up a couple of years ago.

          Although, I don't recall meeting a helpful hardware man at my local Ace.

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    Ummm…does anyone else see the "Color My Boobs" comic book ad for $9.99? I think I need to see what my husband has been looking at on the internet tubez.

    1. Nopantsmcgee

      I do. Exactly how many colors do boobs take anyway? Like tan and white or brown or black, really, right?

      But, I am probably overthinking this.

    2. Secret_Pumpkin

      I get that ad, and I'm a heterosexual vaginal-American (i.e., really not who they are marketing to).

  4. elviouslyqueer

    Oh fine. Since we're all up in sharing decent boozy recipes, how about Sarah Palin's "Coulda Been a Contender Twat-tini," which is made of equal parts gin, bitters, sour grapes, Ugli fruit, and a healthy dash of recriminations.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      I'd like to see Snowbilly at her holiday dinner table, drunk and yelling profanities at all her potty-mouthed grandkids.

  5. YouBetcha

    Every recipe I have requires at least half a bottle of wine. Most of it never needs to go in the food, also too.

    1. Botlrokit

      Last night, I found totes by accident that buffalo sauce does not go with red wine. It was almost as horrific as orange juice and toothpaste.

      1. walterhwhite

        Hmm… I guess I'd better adjust that orange juice and toothpaste ice cream recipe I was planning to try. I'll add the red wine and then I won't give a sh*t. (Have to be careful with the swearz here at work.

    1. HistoriCat

      Rebecca is just giving us a chance to get our shopping lists ready. She has assured that there will still be Wonkette tomorrow.

  6. Mumbletypeg

    How many editors does it take for it to qualify as "reposting"? I'm already seeing double and blurry from my eye exam this morning; haven't even gotten around to my boozin' for the day, neither..

  7. snowpointsecret

    I usually have pumpkin pie.

    Step 1: Buy a pie because I'm horrible at baking.
    Step 2: Consume pie.

    1. DemmeFatale

      You're not horrible at baking!
      Just follow the recipe exactly. Baking is chemistry, people!!
      Just buy a pre-made crust, (Trader Joe's is a good one), and mix together the pumpkin filling and bake. (I like to put a few tablespoons of finely chopped candied/crystallized ginger in mine.)

  8. UW8316154

    Thanksgiving with Wonkett is my favorite time of year! Booze and friends!

    Plus, if I had to spend the holidays with my fundie family in Grand Rapids, listening to the whining about the election, predictions of soshulizm and the End Times, and fervent prayer to white Jeebus, I think I'd kill myself (with votes).

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    I think dessert this year will be Twinkies/HoHos/DingDong themed, because it will be the last chance.

    1. Veritas78

      I dunno, the aftermarket could last for decades. Those things won't rot by themselves, yaknow.

      And the Canadian trademark is owned by a company that is unaffected and producing at capacity, so a smuggled black-market will pop up in Buffalo and Detroit. So if anyone opens their coat and offers you a HoHo, think about it.

  10. Terry

    A perfect traditional style turkey:

    To brine or brine, that's a whole 'nother question. Do it if you like, it makes the meat more moist. Don't do it if you think it makes the meat mushy.

    Unwrap your bird in the sink. Wash all the surfaces, inside and out. Put the innards and neck aside to boil later with veggies for stock.

    Salt and pepper the bird, inside and out. I sometimes use Cajun spices on it, too. Depending on my mood. Put the bird on a raised rack in a roasting pan. Tuck the wing tips back behind the shoulders of the bird.

    Stuff the bird, stuffing recipe below. Yes, wussy little fraidy cats will tell you to do the stuffing separately so it doesn't go bad when you keep the stuffed bird in the fridge for a week. So…don't leave the frickin stuffing in the bird when you store leftovers. Cooking the stuffing in the bird lets all those delicious bird drippings saturate the stuffing. You can't simulate that really in a casserole dish.

    Tie the legs shut (or use the little device that may be on your bird for this). Tuck the neck skin down over the little bit of stuffing you put up in that area.

    Drape slices of bacon all over the top of the bird. I used to tent with tin foil to prevent overbrowning, but damn is bacon better. Pour some chicken or turkey stock in the roasting pan under the bird.

    Put in a preheated oven set to 350 deg F for 20 min per pound (it's about 13 min per pound for an unstuffed bird). Periodically baste with the liquid from the bottom of the roasting pan. With one hour to do, remove the bacon and drop it into the drippings/stock in the bottom of the roasting pan so that the bird can brown.

    At the end of the cooking time lift the turkey out of the roasting pan (it's nice if your rack has handles, btw) and let it stand while you make gravy. Pour the drippings into a heat safe measuring cup, the kind that separates grease is nice. Put the roasting pan on the stovetop and turn on a burner. Add wine if you have it, stock if you don't. Scrape up the brown bits on the bottom of the pan into the wine or stock. Remove the fat from the drippings in the measuring cup and pour the fat free drippings into the pan. Bring the liquid to low boil and cook down. Just before it's time to serve, put a teaspoon of corn starch into cold water and stir it up well. Add this to the roasting pan and stir. After it thickens, you now have gravy.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      I'm very pro-brine [?], but it helped that the one year I did this, we had cold enough temp's round the clock for me to let that sucker sit *outside*/ in the mud room while it brined. Dunno where I'd have fit it avec salt solution inside the fridge.

      1. Terry

        I've been brining the last few years and like the results. Some folks don't. Also like to use the metal syringe I got from a veterinarian supply place to inject seasonings and butter into the meat.

    2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I have a much simpler recipe that will give you the same results.

      Step 1. Put on pants.
      Step 2. Get in car
      Step 3. Drive to Terry's
      Step 4. Eat turkey

    3. shelwood46

      Am I the only person in America who is not a particular fan of bacon? Seriously, if I came to Thanksgiving and found someone had smothered my turkey in bacon drippings, I would be furious and disgusted. Luckily, I cook my own bacon-free turkey, so that won't happen.

      P.S. my method is to rub down with butter and Herbes de Provence, tent with foil, first hour at 500F, untent and 350F to 160F by thermometer.

      1. Terry

        The bacon leaves a slightly smokey taste and helps keep the breast meat moist. The flavor of turkey isn't hidden by the bacon.

        I do the butter rubs sometimes, too, but find that the bacon makes the bird semi-self basting.

        1. shelwood46

          I find with the high temp first hour, absolutely no basting is needed. And smokey taste is a minus, not a plus.

          1. Terry

            To each his own on the smokey taste. I love it.

            Jacques Pepin has a recipe for roast chicken where you roll the chicken in butter to start, then use high heat throughout and turn it so that the back, sides, and front all spend part of the time upwards. I keep meaning to try this one, but then again, I just buy a roasted chicken at either a Peruvian chicken place or the grocery store.
            http://old.post-gazette.com/food/19991128kitchen2

  11. snowpointsecret

    Hint for turkey: Put bacon strips on top of it. Helps keep it moist AND you get bacon! You win twice that way!

  12. Mojopo

    I think (maybe I'm wrong!) one of the reasons we don't fight with each other in the comments section of our Wonkette is because of posts like this. We're not like those other people from different places because of your loving consideration for our reading needs.

  13. Terry

    How to make a traditional, basic stuffing.

    Cook loose sausage meat in a skillet. Remove and put the sausage on a paper towel to drain. Pour the fat out of the pan, except for a tablespoon or two. Add diced celery, onion, and bell pepper, cook until the onion and celery have softened up a bit. Add poultry seasoning, some sage, whatever other seasonings float your boat. Season it fairly heavily as this will be the seasoning for all the stuffing. Add the sausage back in, mix, and turn off the heat.

    In a big mixing bowl, put in equal parts of cubed white bread and corn bread. Add the cooked veggies and sausage. Mix. Add some chopped parsley. Mix. Pour in some chicken or turkey stock, just enough to dampen the bread, not to soak it. Beat one egg and pour it in. Mix. (skip the egg if you like crumbly stuffing). Stuff the bird.

    Victory!

    After dinner, remove the remaining legs, wings, and breast meat from the bird. Get all the stuffing out and put it in a bowl to go in the fridge separate from the meat. Put the bones and the innards and neck you had from earlier in a big pot with water, onion, celery, carrots, whatever veggies you want, and cook to make stock. Freeze it to use the next time you do a bird.

    You can fancy that up in endless ways, depending on your tastes and who you are feeding.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Hey Terry,
      Do you have a good recipe for sweet potatoes? I am always in charge of them and I feel like mixing it up a bit this year.

      1. Terry

        I was traumatized by sweet potatoes with burned mashmallows on top by the cooks at my elementary school's cafeteria, so I never do them that way.

        My favorites for sweet potatoes are to:

        - make a pie, basically use your regular pumpkin pie recipe but substitute mashed up canned sweet potatoes for the pumpkin puree. Much better. Sweet potatoes have better flavor and better texture.

        - As I side dish, I like them simply roasted best. You can do this in the oven with the bird, too. Peel the sweet potatoes, then slice them in round of about 3/4 of an inch or so. Toss in a little oil, salt, and pepper. (you can add other seasonings if you feel adventurous, but really salt and pepper are enough) There should be enough oil to coat the sweet potatoes, but not to have them dripping. Cover a cookie sheet with tin foil and put the sweet potatoes down in a single layer. Cover with foil and bake them at around 425 for a half hour, then uncover them and bake them until the bottoms are browned nicely, maybe another 20 min or so. Turn them over, put them back in the oven for another 20 min or so until the other side is browned. It's really easy and you can do it while everything else is going on. They're wonderful.

      2. elviouslyqueer

        This is Justin Wilson's recipe for Sweet Potato Pie, which is my go-to for all occasions. OMFG the BEST.

        1 1/2 C. mashed boiled sweet potatoes (about 3-4 medium potatoes)
        1/2 C. honey
        1 tsp. ground cinnamon
        1/2 tsp. salt
        3 large eggs
        1/2 C. sugar
        1 tsp. vanilla extract
        1 C. pecan pieces or whole pecans (optional)
        1 9-inch deep dish unbaked pie shell

        Directions:
        Preheat oven to 350 F. Mix sweet potatoes, honey, cinnamon, and salt together in a large mixing bowl. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs, then gradually beat in sugar and vanilla. Pour the eggs into the potato mixture and mix well. Add pecans, if desired, and pour into pie shell.

        Bake 1 hour or until a knife inserted into center comes out clean.

        1. Terry

          When I lived in south Louisiana and would look at a menu in a restaurant, I used to hear Justin's voice in my head reading it to me.

          I still use his phrases "p-i-g…HOG" and "that sody pop with the foam on the top".

          A genuine character he was.

      3. Terry

        Here's another sweet potato one:

        Bake the sweet potatoes until they are soft, peel them (the skins should come off in your hands), and put them in a bowl. Add coconut milk and a little brown sugar. Mash. Taste and add more sugar or coconut milk if you like. Add some cinnamon. Voila! Done. The coconut milk makes this dish.

    2. SorosBot

      That sounds a bit more difficult than my recipe, 1. Buy stuffing, 2. Follow instructions on side of package.

  14. PsycWench

    This is a very strange recipe but preferable to the Facebook posts for "recipes" for a happy marriage, or life, or friendship that usually have a couple of pounds of Bible in them.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Whenever I see those "recipes" I make it a point to substitute bacon grease for the pounds of Bible.

        1. LibertyLover

          "No asshole"
          "No, asshole"
          "No the asshole"
          "No, the Asshole!"
          "No! The asshole!"

          Indeed, punctuation matters. ;-)

  15. CrunchyKnee

    This is getting me all nostalgic for the heady Wonket days of yore. I'm going to buy a pint of bourbon at lunch time and do shooters while working and reading the Wonks this afters.

    TUCKNUTZ!!!!!!11!

  16. BlueStateLibel

    Back in the Dark Days during the Dubya presidency, this guy ran this awesome Web site sticking it to the Bushies (he even got Dick Cheney after him). Consequently, no Thanksgiving would be complete without Laura Bush's "Smoked Freedom Fowl" recipe that calls for two boxes of NicoDerm CQ nicotine patches: http://whitehouse.georgewbush.org/firstlady/recip

  17. memzilla

    When will you post the recipe for Grandma Commie's Old-Tyme Home Made Bathtub Potato Vodka?!!!?

    Then you'll see us taking notes.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    This is the time of year I fondly remember my pot brownie recipe, especially as it's ideal for dealing with prickly relatives (no don't give it to them, have one yourself and they're easier to deal with).

    You can make all the stuff from scratch, but I just use one of those boxed mixes that calls for two eggs and a third of a cup of oil. Take your quarter oz. of weed, thoroughly stem and seed it, and, with the 1/3 cup of oil from the recipe, sautee it under pretty darn low heat for about 30-45 minutes or until the whole house smells like pot.

    Use a low temperature setting because if the weed gets too hot it'll turn brown, the THC will be denatured and you'll end up with nothing but a very expensive pan of brownies. So if the weed starts to turn even a little bit brown, take it off the heat right away and turn the burner down. Mash the weed with a spoon periodically.

    After the pot is cooked, use the weed/oil mixture exactly as you would use the oil in the recipe. You can strain the pot leaves out if you want, or you can keep it in if you like the taste and/or serious roughage — consider yourself warned.

    Then just follow the recipe as it's printed. I prefer adding a cup of walnuts or pecans as well. Remember to let the brownies cool before you slice them up, and also don't have more than two at a time — they take a while to kick in, and you might not be aware of how hard they hit you when they finally reach peak effectiveness. After this, your crazy uncle's rant about how Obama's going to take over the country will wash right over you.

  19. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Squeeze that person’s waist inappropriately, wink, and walk out of the room to lie down."

    I think Betty left out the good parts here.

  20. DoggerelCDogg

    Well, I guess this is funny because everyone else seems to think so, but I just don't get it. Betty Ford was kind of a like a hero to many of us, and she also had a sense of humor about herself, so what's the joke? I am eager to learn.

  21. Mapmonger

    Not precisely on topic, but I had to share. I was in Boston on Mapmonger business this weekend. The bartender at the Sheraton in Boston, after having been told by a French and a Dutch book dealer that neither of them observe Thanksgiving:

    "Huh. I thought everybody celebrated Thanksgiving."

    Baby, when Europeans think of America, they think of you. And also Predator drones.

    1. FeloniousMonk

      Here's a drinking game for all expat Wonketeers. Drink one shot for every time you've been asked if they celebrate Thanksgiving in wherever you come from. Done that? Anybody still standing?

  22. rmjagg

    how about just a box of betty crocker chocolate cake , a quart of sweet sherry , a pint of dark rum and a half pound of mini-marshmallows ? eat/chug without baking …

  23. hollyrocks209

    They aren't actually eating anything, but the table is nicely set. It's just them and the kids, so who took the picture? It was probably an early publicity photo for Ford, who needed a "just a regular guy who always eats dinner with the family" pic. I'm thinking as soon as the camera was gone, so was he.

  24. Steverino247

    I've met the kid in the chair. Nice guy and great with kids. It would appear that his parents raised him well, despite all the madness he must have been exposed to along the way (See Fromm, Squeaky).

Comments are closed.