BELOVED TRADITIONS  12:05 pm November 20, 2012

Put Some Food On Your Family With Aunt Wonkette’s Real Cranberry Business

by Ken Layne

Richard Nixon on Wonkette's Cranberry Business: 'This cranberry business PUNISHES.'The following is our annual repost of Ken Layne’s Real Cranberry Business, because when we bought this bitch we bought the archives too. One hundred and seventy two years from now, “Ken Layne” will be retelling his cranberry business recipe … from the grave!

Each Thanksgiving, we re-post this Holiday Favorite from 2009:

No first lady could even imagine making something as wonderful and perfect as your editor’s famous Wonkette Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business. It is one of those things that just blows people away, because they assume it must be so hard to make real cranberry relish because why else would we eat that Jell-o’d aspic glob from the can? IT MUST BE SO HARD. No, it isn’t, so stop whining about everything, for once.

This dish takes exactly three minutes to prepare, and another 10 or 15 minutes in the oven, and you don’t even have to think about it. Pre-heat the oven, prepare the cranberries, “slide in the pyrex,” as they say, and just turn the oven off, go outside, enjoy a marijuana cigarette, make snow angels in the trash pile outside the neighboring foreclosure, relax.

Do not forget our other Holiday Recipes for Thanksgiving! Betty Ford’s Chocoholic Icebox Fantasy and Mamie Eisenhower’s Lesbian-Soviet Hockey Rink and Nancy Reagan’s Racial-Transcendence Monkey Bread!

There are many recipes you can find “on the Internet” for fresh cranberry sauce, but you don’t need to do that anymore. Just send this one to your xBox or iPad or whatever and be DONE, done with the search for the ideal cranberry relish recipe.

THE THINGS YOU NEED:

  • When you’re at the store, get two sacks of fresh cranberries from the produce section. This year, we have found Organic fresh cranberries, for the first time, at the regular supermarket. They are like, a pound each. This will be plenty for eight or so people. Did your relatives refuse to use any kind of birth control, producing a larger family of say, 16 people? Just double the recipe, meaning buy two of whatever, and use twice as much, in the recipe. And “double the recipe” does not mean set the oven to 700 degrees instead of 350. Come on, people.
  • If for some reason you don’t have some basic real cane sugar and a decent bottle of bourbon at home, purchase these things in whatever respectable quantity, so next time (Friday morning) you’ll have this stuff handy. For Buy Nothing Day!
  • Oranges. Buy some of them. Fight Scurvy!

NEXT: Either right now or tomorrow or 30 minutes before carving time — IT DOES NOT MATTER — you wash the cranberries. (The thing that looks like a ’50s space helmet, it is called the colander, fill it with the cranberries and put it under the cold faucet).

Dump said berries in the Pyrex baking dish, like the one people might use for lasagna or baked manicotti. (This is a good time to remove whatever weird stuff the Stephen King characters who pick cranberries might’ve dropped in the bucket: loose teeth, “biker earrings,” etc.) Get the cheese grater and just grate on some sad-but-firm orange, right on the peel, so that the little bits of orange peel fall down upon the lonely berries. It is fine if some bigger chunks — like, half-inch-long shreds, but no bigger than that — fall down there, too. It adds “color” … orange color, in fact. Do this until you’re tired of doing it, at which point there’s probably about three teaspoons’ worth of orange “zest” in the pyrex, with the cranberries. Don’t pick it out and measure it or anything, just show some confidence. For once.

Cut open that poor orange you’ve just Gitmo’d, and squeeze the juice into your cranberry business. Do not drop the orange seeds in there, Jesus christ ….

Now drizzle a couple-five shots of bourbon on the berries. And sprinkle about half a cup of granulated cane sugar over all that. (Generally, cranberry relish recipes call for some insane amount of sugar, like three cups. Do not ruin everything, okay? Using not-so-much sugar produces a tart but still sweet-enough relish that is to be served with savory dishes like turkey and dressing, right? If you want to put this on a peanut butter sandwich, by all means use fifteen cups of sugar and chase it with an “energy drink” or whatever. Let freedom reign.)

Cover the baking dish with foil and put it in the oven. Doesn’t really matter, whatever the oven is set to, which is going to be in the 300-425 range for your general Thanksgiving dishes crowding the oven. You also don’t need to be a dick and start yelling about how somebody needs to move the mac-and-cheese or the brussels sprouts under the broiler (and you SHOULD have simple cut-in-half olive-oil-brushed brussels sprouts under the broiler!) because you must get in your cranberry relish. Anytime is fine, and plus who will be impressed if you keep talking about it, beforehand? They might notice how easy it is to make, and then who are you? You are basically Lou Dobbs Newt Gingrich. So go outside and yell at a Mexican.

Come back inside, and please wash your hands if you were smoking or “playing with the dog” out there, and see what is going on. Are people tense? It is probably time to open a bottle of wine, go ahead and pass around maybe a Petite Syrah, something that will go with maybe some pita chips or apple slices, whatever, try to get people to relax. It is okay to have “Irish Coffees,” too, because it’s daytime.

When the cranberry business is bubbly and the berries have this nice soft-but-firm kind of thing going on, take out the pyrex and let it cool somewhere out of the way. If there’s room in the fridge, you can just put the tray in there once it’s cool to the touch. But there’s no room, jesus just look at all the food in there, plus there are about a million beers for tomorrow, so just scrape it all into something pretty, some kind of thing you might put chutney in, or whatever (ask mom).

Serve and watch how people say, “OMG I only ever had it from a can,” etc.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 168 comments }

nounverb911 November 20, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Too late, I'm already done with my Thanksgiving shopping. I'm making my favorite thing: reservations.

boskolives November 20, 2012 at 12:15 pm

My favorite thing to make at Thanksgiving time: excuses.

ChillBill November 20, 2012 at 12:10 pm

What are the Romneys having for Thanksgiving?

Fukui-sanYesOta November 20, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Sour grapes?

ChillBill November 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Karl Rove's recipe.

nounverb911 November 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Rafalca?

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Stable to Table: The Rafalca Story

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm

On Animal Planet or Fox News?

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 2:17 pm

on Lifetime Horse after "Not Without My Trotter".

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Gasoline, according to Gawker

boskolives November 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Crow, they're eating lots of crow.

NorthStarSpanx November 20, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Well, this recipe is out – bourbon.

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I hope they eat shit and die. With tryptophan.

memzilla November 20, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Roast Filet of Loser, stuffed with Poached Votes and seasoned with the Salty Tears of FAIL.

mrpuma2u November 20, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Week old butt-hurt stew.

HRH_Maddie November 20, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Poor people.

PsycWench November 20, 2012 at 1:15 pm

If half the Wonketteers followed through with their threats, a heaping plate of lightly salted poison rat dicks.

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Karl Rove.

widestanceromance November 20, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Garrison Keillor has shipped a case of rhubarb pie to each of Willard's houses, but it won't help.

Biff November 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I think he needs more ketchup, myself.

DerrickWildcat November 20, 2012 at 12:10 pm

This story is very confusing to me.

NorthStarSpanx November 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Because it is helpful. You can produce something with it, not just manufacture outrage.

freakishlywrong November 20, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Do not drop the orange seeds in there, Jesus christ
I fucking love me some Ken Layne. And this cranberry shit. Which rocks.

fuflans November 20, 2012 at 8:17 pm

right? miss that voice.

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 12:12 pm

My uncle and aunt own a cranberry bog up in Massachusetts. They are Fox News watchers. Therefore, fuck cranberries.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Dude, road trip! We'll bring cases of beer and pee in the bog.

memzilla November 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Back in the '70s, I saw Bog Pee open for Jethro Tull at the Garden.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Bog Pee sounds like a side effect of Viagra.

snowpointsecret November 20, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I like the one I've had the last few years, it has pineapple, jalapeno, and cilantro in it and it's amazing.

Still, any cranberry sauce that's not out of a can is okay with me.

Jus_Wonderin November 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Oh, I love the sound the can stuff makes. Poke a hole with an ice pick.

Then ssssssssssssssssrcceeec….plunk! Presto!

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 12:29 pm

A very special sound indeed. Makes you want to just serve it to the guests as-is; they too can enjoy the sound just by looking at it!

wapitiscat November 20, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I always find myself slicing it along the lines that the can left. You get like three thick slabs and then maybe eight really thin slices.

widestanceromance November 20, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Same sound as Chris Christie being removed from a van, as one commenter commented here some time ago (James Michael Curley maybe??).

fuflans November 20, 2012 at 8:28 pm

woah! that sounds awesome. i use ginger and orange (and puree, not cook), but i'd love to know about pineapple and (especially) jalapeno.

jzgplj November 21, 2012 at 8:46 am

That sounds delicious….would you be willing to share proportions for this culinary delight?

OneDollarJuana November 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

One hundred and seventy two years from now, “Ken Layne” will be retelling his cranberry business recipe … from the grave!

Andrew Breitbart could give you pointers on writing from the grave.

boskolives November 20, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Andrew Breitbart could give you pointers on blowing dust farts, also. Too soon? NFW.

YasserArraFeck November 20, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Thomas Kinkade can give you pointers on painting* from the grave.

*such as it was

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

How am I going to fit that recipe on a fucking 3×5 index card?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Index card? It fits in your head: CB's, orange, bourbon, sugar. I just wing it from there.

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 12:32 pm

All I got was bourbon and mouth. There were other ingredients?

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Biff November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

DIEBEETUS!

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

You can't – you have to print it out and save it in all of it's late GWB presidency early Obama first term glory.

weejee November 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Fresh zest is the best.

boskolives November 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Was sure that “slide in the pyrex” was a gay term for "Very Hawt Secks", I stand, or lay as it were, corrected, also.

Oblios_Cap November 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Who is this "Ken Layne" fellow? Is it the pen name of somebody famous like Jim Newell?

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Wasn't "Kenny Layne" one of the tracks on Sergeant Pepper?

Oblios_Cap November 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Kenny "Passing" Layne? Night Train Layne's little brother?

boskolives November 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Car Pool Layne's aborted child?

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm

…who was known as Check Out Layne?

gullywompr November 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm

One of the famous Band Aides. Almost famous, anyway.

rocktonsam November 20, 2012 at 12:39 pm

wasn't he the drummer for the cranberry's?

Guppy November 20, 2012 at 12:53 pm

That's a paddlin'.

ShiftyParadigm November 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Seeing this recipe makes the holiday REAL. And reminds me that I need to add bourbon to the shopping list. Screw Wal-mart — it would make my life a lot easier if the liquor stores were open on Thanksgiving.

boskolives November 20, 2012 at 12:18 pm

You obvs don't live in Los Angeles. If you call this living, also.

MissTaken November 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

SorosBot recently enjoyed his first taste of Brussel Sprouts thanks to the Wonkette recipe of years gone by. Thank you, Wonkette, for saving us from shitty food!

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Digging in to the Wonkette recipe vault, I think next we should try Rush Limbaugh's Crisco-and-Saltines fried chicken:
http://wonkette.com/477589/everythings-better-wit

MissTaken November 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm

With a side of the Under The Sea Salad? Yum?
http://wonkette.com/477629/this-real-recipe-from-

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Oh yes, so delicious; it's a wonder Rush can keep his svelte figure with that kind of cuisine. And Miracle Whip the fake mayo goes so well with Jell-O.

boskolives November 20, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Try the Chinese version, with Cream of SomeYoungBoy added to taste.

Guppy November 20, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Wonkette killed Hostess?

finallyhappy November 20, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I find that not unusual- I have eaten brussel sprouts for many years(even when they were boiled- so not so great). I had many co-workers who had never eaten them and would not. Even my broiled brussels with a little butter and maple syrup(it is good- really)

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Needs moar Grand Marnier. Nobody puts bourbon on cranberries.

In the cook, maybe.

Jus_Wonderin November 20, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Isn't that the Mercury version of the Ford Escape???

Biel_ze_Bubba November 20, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Now that is an excellent idea! Save the bourbon for the world's best Manhattan:

3 parts bourbon or rye
1 part sweet vermouth
1 part dry vermouth
1 part real maple syrup
bitters to taste
Shake well w/ ice, strain into a cocktail glass (or over ice in an Old Fashioned glass.)
Garnish w/ cherry or orange.

MissTaken November 20, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I'm at work and you are making me crave a Manhattan. Damn you to hell….again!

CindynEncinitas November 21, 2012 at 4:07 pm

We get to go home at 2:00!

snowpointsecret November 20, 2012 at 12:15 pm

So is this holiday recipe thing an ongoing trend here?

… And if so, can it continue? I'm always open to something different. I knew I liked it here!

HempDogbane November 20, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Will you be posting the Kenducken recipe tomorrow? I can't wait until Thursday morning to get all the ingredients.

JustPixelz November 20, 2012 at 12:15 pm

"Now drizzle a couple-five shots of bourbon on the berries"

I need it more than the berries.

Never trust a sober cranberry.

In case of Repubican party takeover, does the recipe work for hobo beans too?

Oblios_Cap November 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Don't forget to watch the William Burroughs clip while you're making it.

skoalrebel November 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Organic fresh cranberries? [spit!] That's just fuckin' gay. Fuckin' elitists with your free-range heirloom Whole Foods turkeys, y'all just make me sick. A real American Thanksgiving has cranberry slop from a can. And the turkey is a Butterball, since that's what Jesus made for the first Thanksgiving. [spit!] You should deep fry the bird, too, out in the front lawn next to the car that's been set up on cinderblocks.

Pro tip: thaw the Butterball before dropping it in the hot oil.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Pro tip: thaw the Butterball before dropping it in the hot oil.

You speak as a man of great experience.

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Another pro tip: Gently lower the bird into the hot oil, rather than dropping it in. Saves on emergency room visits.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 12:29 pm

But how will I practice my jump shot????

CindynEncinitas November 21, 2012 at 4:08 pm

The windmill jam into the hot oil! What a splash that will make! Cover up the cars on the lawn first, tho.

Jus_Wonderin November 20, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I think another pro tip for the frying scenario is that one should not use their hands to put the turkey in the vat. Live, and learn.

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Or, even more importantly, to take the turkey out of the vat.

widestanceromance November 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm

So much for my idea of playing Bobbing for Butterballs.

Wait. . .

Biel_ze_Bubba November 20, 2012 at 1:31 pm

You mean, "learn, and live".

Biff November 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Dennis Haysbert reminds us that 15 people set fire to their doublewides homes while deep-frying birds last year.

FNMA November 20, 2012 at 12:18 pm

This year, my sister isn't making the trip from the People's Republic of Berkeley for the holiday so we'll have to skip our Thanksgiving tradition, which is gathering in my mother's kitchen to do the cooking while drinking all the wine people brought for dinner.

SnarkOff November 20, 2012 at 12:18 pm

So this really is a mommy blog now?

Blueb4sinrise November 20, 2012 at 12:18 pm

My mom used to make cranberry sauce…..and now SHE'S DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MissTaken November 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm

True Fact!
Everyone who makes homemade cranberry sauce DIES!

DahBoner November 20, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Co-in-cidence?

dr_giraud November 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

It's probably too late for Layne to square off against Susan Stamberg in a cranberry bake-off, snark relish vs. cranberry glop.

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Nice thing about being a bachelor is, you don't have to cook shit on Thanksgiving. Either accept one of the invitations from your married friends or relatives, or stay home and get shitfaced, nuke some Gino's pizza rolls, and watch the NFL. Of course, you can get shitfaced if you accept one of the invitations, too.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Best thing about dead parents is, I get to eat out.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, barbecue….

Nopantsmcgee November 20, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I agree. The family has assigned me to bring a 'cheese tray'. I guess they have more trust in me since I didn't fuck up last years instructions to "Bring Diet-Coke".

CindynEncinitas November 21, 2012 at 4:10 pm

They always have me bring burn-n-serve rolls, a leftover joke from my college days. It sort of hurts that they still do it, but it's super cheap and I don't have to mess around in the kitchen. I can watch the NFL and get sauced also, too.

Jus_Wonderin November 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Partay!!

ttommyunger November 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm

If I want cranberry sauce, which I rarely do, I'll buy the stuff that comes out of the can like week-old Jell-0, thank you very much. 'Course, I also think Velveeta is cheese, so I've got that going for me, which is nice….

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm

So, whipping cream from the dairy section, or Cool Whip?

MissTaken November 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Can of Redi Whip so you can get a nice buzz, also.

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

True story. In my youth, I had a job for a couple of years at a dairy warehouse (we unloaded semi-trailers from the actual dairy in Dallas and then loaded the delivery trucks for their restaurant/retail routes). With judicious "whipping" of the real cream topping cans, you could get all the topping to the bottom of the can, and all the propellant would be at the top for easy huffing/buzzing back in the cold vault. We had to back off when the 12-can cases kept coming back from the restaurants because the cream wouldn't come out of the cans because no propellant. The worst abuser ended up with the nickname "Real Cream Roy."

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Whippet good!

ttommyunger November 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn. Whatever I can grab first and get the fuck out of there. I hate stores!

boskolives November 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Cheese is Christ too, my friends.

ttommyunger November 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Not to the Jooze.

gullywompr November 20, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Here's my recipe: Using a pocket knife, slam the blade down forcefully through the top of a can of hobo beans, moving the blade around the rim until there is enough to pry back the lid at least halfway. Then, using the plastic fork you stole from McDonald's last week, eat them.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

CrunchyKnee November 20, 2012 at 12:32 pm

You've got a pocket knife? We have to whack our can of hobo beans with a rock we fished out of the river.

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 12:41 pm

You have a rock? We have to open ours with discarded emery boards we dig out of the dumpster behind the Vietnamese nail salon down at the strip center.

gullywompr November 20, 2012 at 12:44 pm

If you search under the bridges at night, one of the dead guys will eventually have a knife in his pockets. That's how I got mine, anyway.

boskolives November 20, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Or in his back, if he wasn't popular there.

taylormattd November 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Where is the part where Layne tells us we are all doomed and dead anyway?

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 12:42 pm

The original post actually went on to say, "Now that you've made your cranberry business, it's time to think about the Keystone XL pipeline."

widestanceromance November 20, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Tomorrow's recipe calls for dead rats gleaned from broken toilets. Stay strong until then.

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Just dining out this year; there's one advantage of being on the opposite side of the country from the parents. Though I will miss my dad's cooking.

Terry November 20, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I do easier cranberries. Wash the cranberries, put them in a pot with just enough water to float them all. Turn on the heat and don't wander off to another task. The cranberries will all start to pop at about the same time. When they're burst, pour in a little orange juice. Stir. Pour in some sugar. Taste. Add more sugar if it needs it. Done. You can get fancy and add spices, depending on your mood. Actually, a little cilantro and cumin makes a great Tex-Mex-y version but I like the simple ones best.

Texan_Bulldog November 20, 2012 at 12:33 pm

My recipe:

1 bag of cranberries
1 cup of sugar
1 cup of orange juice

Heat them suckers up until they pop & you are done. (This leaves more time for drinking & bitching that Dallas lost … again.)

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 12:39 pm

RG III is gonna be tough to beat, even in Irving.

Texan_Bulldog November 20, 2012 at 12:42 pm

If Jerry Jones had a brain left behind all the botox & eyelid surgery, he'd have drafted RG III instead of keeping that clown Romo.

Terry November 20, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I cheer Dallas losing, but great post other than that.

My mother has always insisted that the root of the Washington-Dallas football rivalry was because Dallas was the city where Kennedy was shot. Mom is a dyed in the wool Democrat.

wapitiscat November 20, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Huh … I never got past the whole Cowboy and Indian thing. Your mom's rivalry root sounds smarter.

Terry November 20, 2012 at 1:22 pm

She has a few other quirks. Whenever the University of Maryland plays a team from North Carolina, we're going to hear a time worn speech about "goddamn Tobacco Road". lol

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 12:49 pm

My dad was stationed in DC when I was wee, he used to take me to The Goal Post, a local bar where the Skins guys hung out. One summer Sonny Jurgenson was out with broken wrist, he worked behind the bar (this was back when those guys didn't get paid dick) and used to make me sandwiches, and I was dandled on the knee of the defensive linemen sitting at the bar. They inculcated in me a joy in seeing the Cowboys lose that hasn't left me in 45 years.

Terry November 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Wow, that's wonderful! Sonny was a god in our household. Still is, in fact.

People not from the DC area, or who blow in and out with the political tides, miss the quirky almost small townishness of the place.

finallyhappy November 20, 2012 at 5:48 pm

well, that is as good an explanation as any- living here for 40 years- I never understood the rivalry(or cared).

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Ah! NOW the holiday season has begun. (Or should that be "just begun is the war on Christmas"?)

boskolives November 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Is that a cranberry colored photo of Nixon at the top?

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Little known fact: Nixon's actual color.

Goonemeritus November 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

"One hundred and seventy two years from now, “Ken Layne” will be retelling his cranberry business recipe … from the grave! "

Ken is way way to bitter to die.

banana_bread November 20, 2012 at 12:35 pm

a) I love you, zombie Ken Layne
b) I'm totally making this shit
c) My grandpa used to pick cranberries and he didn't have any piercings, SO THERE

docterry6973 November 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You paid to write for us? Paid MONEY? Wow.

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 12:43 pm

No, silly – she bought the rights to your immortal soul. You really should have read the Intense Debate terms of service before signing up.

Kid_Charlemagne November 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I was worried this was going to turn into Susan Stamberg's recipe.

TootsStansbury November 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm

My inlaws view my cranberry relish as some subversive exotic. They eat it up though! They have no idea how easy it is to make

weejee November 20, 2012 at 12:42 pm

In an attempt expand our Wonkette base, here is a tasty recipe for baked possum. Boner petite.

knuck1es November 20, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I always make my own, with the same recipe but in a saucepan on the stove. It's so satisfying to listen to the cranberries pop. I can't tell you.

Estproph November 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm

BTW I make this every year. It is every bit as awesome as it sounds.

metamarcisf November 20, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Romney was right. Fuck NPR and their hideous Cranberry Relish agenda.

ifthethunderdontgetya November 20, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Did somebody say, "From The Grave"?

A Swedish woman was charged with possession of human skulls and bones, which the prosecution claimed she used for sexual purposes.

The 37 year-old woman kept at least six skulls, one spine and “a large number of other bones” in her Gothenburg apartment, according to the prosecution’s charge sheet.

It said she had used the human body parts “for various sexual activities”. The evidence included two CDs entitled “My necrophilia” and “My first experience”.
~

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Your move, Lisbeth Salander.

emmelemm November 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm

ACTUAL SKULL-FUCKING!

rocktonsam November 20, 2012 at 12:51 pm

BUY WISCONSIN CRANBERRIES ALSO!!!1!

GoodDogThor November 20, 2012 at 12:55 pm

YES! Time to Gitmo some oranges…

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I've made this recipe in the past and it turns out great. (I know, I know, Emeril..)

commiegirl99 November 20, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Fuck you Smoke, NOTHING WRONG WIth EMERIL!!!

BornInATrailer November 20, 2012 at 1:00 pm

If you ever write a cookbook it will weigh 7lbs and contain 13 recipes.

Jerri November 20, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Yay!!! This is my favorite of all the internet traditions of which I am aware!

sundaytrucker November 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Don't you have a recipe for cooking a dead hobo? Cuz the one I got in the garage is getting kinda gamey. Thx.

Pat_Pending November 20, 2012 at 1:28 pm

They generally come pre-marinated. Serve with hobo beans.

MissTaken November 20, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Technically for Pig's Feet, but I'm sure substituting Dead Hobo will work as well. http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/recs/628/Feet-In

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 1:55 pm

You need to talk to Weedlord BonerHitler and CR_Eature … they're the cannibals around here.

Pat_Pending November 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I LIKE THE CANNED STUFF…

finallyhappy November 20, 2012 at 5:49 pm

really?

DahBoner November 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm

What's the difference between a pirate and cranberry farmer?

fuflans November 20, 2012 at 8:31 pm

god nothing i hope.

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Come back inside, and please wash your hands if you were smoking or “playing with the dog”…

People play with their "dogs" outside? At Thanksgiving? With the family there and all? Whoa. That's kinky.

zyxomma November 20, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I make a live food relish/chutney out of my organic cranberries: Into the Vitamix, place love (always the first ingredient), cranberries, tangerine and zest, 1 small or 1/2 large soaked vanilla bean, Ceylon cinnamon, fresh-ground allspice, and soaked dates. Pulse the Vitamix until blended but still chunky. Can also be made in a food processor.

finallyhappy November 20, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Can I leave out the dates?

zyxomma November 20, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Sure, but you'll probably need something else to sweeten it. Soaked dried apricots would work.

Mojopo November 20, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Can I use champagne cognac instead of bourbon? I have that and scotch.

Chet Kincaid_ November 20, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I thought "Cranberry Lady Business" was the name of Prince's studio complex in Minneapolis.

qwerty42 November 20, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Oh, a warning about the stuff you grate — it is called "orange zest" and avoid the white part. It is bitter.

smellypossum November 20, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I'm relieved it wasn't Susan Stamburg re-re- re- telling of her fucking obsession with her Stamburg Family Cranberry Enema AGAIN. FUCK, I'm sick of that.

And just so I don't sound so hate-filled: Great to have Ken "So go outside and yell at a Mexican" Layne back.

StillGoinGreen November 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm

My T-giving cranberry recipe:

4oz Svedka vodka
1oz cranberry juice
2-10/500 hydrocodone/APAP tablets

Add additional vodka/cranberry combos until hydrocodone/APAP tablets dissolve and are dispersed throughout the blood stream

CindynEncinitas November 21, 2012 at 4:39 pm

So… what's your address, anyway…

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Here's another recipe from ReadyMade magazine. You can cook it today and keep it in the fridge. When you cook it, it smells like happiness.

(Instead of the pear, you can substitue an orange or half a grapefruit, coarsely pureed, peel and all.)

12 ounces fresh cranberries
1 firm, ripe pear, cored, quartered, and cut into bite-size pieces
1 cup water
1 cup sugar

Makes about 3 cups

In a small pan over medium heat, combine the water and sugar and stir until dissolved. When it comes to a boil, add the cranberries and pear. Return to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for 10 minutes. Cool and refrigerate.

Yum! Also, you should be drinking the whole time, ideally.
http://www.readymade.com/magazine/article/thanksg

LibrarianX November 20, 2012 at 4:06 pm

What does this have to do with Jello?

Fr33th0t November 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Couple-five shots? Is that two to five or 15 shots total (serious question)

Oh, and remember the NOBAMA? Now its MOBAMA!

elgin_pelican November 20, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I hate me some cranberries. But every year gotta have a can of them on the table NOT OPEN THANK YOU which my wife did by mistake once.

fuflans November 20, 2012 at 8:37 pm

i miss ken.

BZ1 November 20, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Anything "drizzled" sounds good.

CindynEncinitas November 21, 2012 at 4:45 pm

There is nothing like reading recipes from a bunch of disaffected snarkmeisters to get me in the holiday mood! I'm going to go duke it out with the other last-minute losers at Vons and then I'll have a drink(s) and then it will REALLY be Thanksgiving. Y'all have fun.

Mojopo November 22, 2012 at 9:16 pm

I made the cran business – huge hit. Even someone who hates cranberry sauce had two servings. I used brown sugar and some honey. You win!

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