pantheon of fallen heroes

Allen West Finally Surrenders, Kills Political Comedy Forever

Quitting brings shame to the DukeLet’s “open the kimono” here for a minute: Your Wonkette does not want this great nation of ours to be run by perverts and crazies; but, in another sense, your Wonkette needs this to be the case, because pervert/crazy politicians bring in the pageviews and associated ad moneys. That’s why the endless vote-recounting wackiness in Florida, in which Allen West was always losing but just close enough to demand further recounts, was a best-of-both-worlds situation for us: he wouldn’t be allowed to actually participate in the governing process, but he would stay in the spotlight and be ludicrous for our amusement. We even heard rumors that he was planning on showing up for work at the Capitol every day, and would get into fisticuffs with security guards, which would have been hilarious! But instead he just up and quit, like a little baby.

Politico has the scoop (and has West’s complete statement of surrender on page two). It’s remarkably non-sullen and gracious, considering that Allen is an actual crazy person and war criminal. It seems that he has chosen to make peace with reality as we humans understand it, this one time:

While there are certainly still inaccuracies in the results and the actions of the St. Lucie County and Palm Beach County Supervisors of Elections rightly raise questions in my mind and for many voters, after much analysis and yesterday’s recount in St. Lucie County, our legal team does not believe there are enough over-counted, undercounted or fraudulent votes to change the outcome of the election.

But … this is the sort of thing that we could have probably guessed two weeks ago! Why all the hubbub, Allen West?

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That led to a wild few weeks: Tea party activists rallied to West’s defense, raising money in preparation for a protracted legal battle.

Hahaha, we’re sure that money will find a good home, in some dumb WestHeroFreedomPAC that will help him parlay two years in office into a lifetime of employment in the endless Republican speech-making/think-tanking/motivational-speaking circle jerk.

Anyway, what was your favorite part of the magical bygone era when Allen West was someone who was “in the news”? You should scroll back through the Wonkette Allen West tag while joy-weeping, obviously, but we’re partial to that time he got hopped up on bloodlust in Iraq and wrote a letter home to his wife demanding she be his porn star. What sort of grim stuff going in the West bedroom tonight? (Hugging and weeping, we’re guessing.) [Politico]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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148 comments

  1. Loch_Nessosaur

    West needs to move out of Florida because the Baggerz been done killed, by votes of course, here. I suggest Arizona or Alaska.

    1. LibertyLover

      We've got enough crazies in AZ, thank you very much. Besides, I don't think they like brown people here, either, even if they are conservative.

    2. boskolives

      He's kind of a skinny looking blah, but if he went to visit Caribou Barbie he'd come back a real husky fucker. A trip to Alaska can do that to a guy, or so I heard.

    3. BoroPrimorac

      We got rid of our baggers by voting for fair districts and we've gone blue in the last two presidential elections.

    4. malsperanza

      Not AZ–it's tipping blue already & likely to continue that way. Unless the GOP runs Marco Rubio in 2016, of course. Alaska is good, or Wyoming, except that he'd get stopandfrisked every time he walked out his front door. But maybe he'd enjoy that.

  2. Negropolis

    Don't worry yourself, Josh. We'll always have state legislatures. Oh, and governors with terrible personality disorders that won't ever rise above their offices, god love 'em. When the good lord closes a door, he opens a window, a window chocked full of clowns.

  3. memzilla

    West’s complete statement of surrender… [is] remarkably non-sullen and gracious.

    Bad news: Allen West's new meds are working.

    Good news: Oxycontin drug-ring story breaking in 10… 9… 8…

  4. Monsieur_Grumpe

    You know, I’m going to miss him in the same way someone misses a plantar wart that has been on your foot for many, many years.

  5. memzilla

    West: "…our legal team does not believe there are enough over-counted, undercounted or fraudulent votes to change the outcome of the election."

    Translation: "Sheldon Adelson is not returning my calls."

  6. Loch_Nessosaur

    Maybe West can hook up with Rubio for a minority Republican Presidential Dream Team. Only, no minorities would actually vote for them.

    Rubio/West 2016.

  7. Tundra Grifter

    "Hahaha, we’re sure that money will find a good home, in some dumb WestHeroFreedomPAC that will help him parlay two years in office into a lifetime of employment in the endless Republican speech-making/think-tanking/motivational-speaking circle jerk."

    Very perceptive comment right there!

    Toss in "FoxPAC radio or tv gig as another right wing nutz' gasbag" and you'd pretty much have the history of the failed Republican candidates from about 1994 to The Present.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      Loudmouth/Asshole 2016!!!

      West and Walsh can fight over who's top and who's bottom…….of the ticket, of course…!

    2. vulpes82

      It does if you're going for a job on Fox/Glenn Beck's Broadcast Tendency/the Tea Party quacks speaking circuit.

    3. Mahousu

      I'm not so sure about that. "Loudmouth asshole" seems to have been part of the job description for management positions at several of the places I've worked.

  8. Negropolis

    BTW, my favorite Allen West moment was that vile letter he wrote to DWS. Good fuckin' riddance.

    Mr. West, you are many things, but you are no lady, sir.

    Yo, Mr. West, I'm let you finish, but Adam West was the best West of all time.

    1. HistoriCat

      My favorite Allen West moments are both movie related:

      a) the time he changed his mind about the debt deal (I think that's what it was for) and basically volunteered to be the getaway driver after they showed a clip from some heist movie in the Rep. House caucus

      b) the time he extolled the virtues of the ancient Spartans, based solely on viewing 300 – without seeming to realize all the rape, murder, and little boy-banging which went along with being a Spartan.

      1. glamourdammerung

        the time he extolled the virtues of the ancient Spartans, based solely on viewing 300 – without seeming to realize all the rape, murder, and little boy-banging which went along with being a Spartan.

        You forgot Polan- er, the slavery.

    2. Negropolis

      I nearly forgot the time he claimed that there were 78 to 81 Democrats who were actually communists in the House of Representatives. Good times.

      The hits, they just keep on coming.

    3. innisfree54

      LOL! We also have James West from The Wild Wild West….Allen is off to oblivion which is where he belongs…self inflicted graveyard spiral.

  9. actor212

    Lower your flags and march straight back to Talahassee, stopping at every home you pass by to beg forgiveness for two years of theft, murder, and insanity. Do that and your men shall live. Do it not, and every one of you will die today.

    I wish he'd have to do this

  10. Goonemeritus

    You could always start a Star Trek based fan fiction story line where Allen West ruled a war like homo-erotic planet at war with the Federation

  11. Terry

    Florida is one of the few states in the Union where a candidate could make his being dishonorably discharged from the military into a political asset.

    1. PubOption

      He resigned before he could be discharged, so it's not quite that bad. Anyway, since his problem was that he abused 'ragheads', it would probably be a political asset in most red states.

    2. CapeClod

      This why freak shows always travel around and never stay in one place too long. People enjoy the novelty of it for a while, but eventually the wierdness of it just gets on people's nerves.

    3. boskolives

      A dishonorable discharge still gives him a little bit of status above those chicken hawks in his party who never served but still want to invade everywhere and everything, including vaginas. This seems to be genetic since their children don't either, also.

  12. Chow Yun Flat

    West surrendered much too early when he had only hit florid insanity. He could have waited until the gibbering idiot foaming at the mouth phase of his political career.

  13. memzilla

    Think positive, all!

    We're not losing a crazy Congressman who supplied teh Wonket with story material for ad munniez … we're gaining a Faux News talking head with a persecution complex whose a**hatful comments will be supplying comedy gold for teh Wonket to make ad munniez from!

  14. Lizzietish81

    Somewhere there has got to be a running total of the amount of money the Tea Party, Karl Rove, Sheldon Anderson and Donald Trump spent on this election to see none of their candidates win.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I stayed at Adelson's Venetian in Vegas this past weekend, I didn't bother playing there though because I figured they've fixed the slots and everything else to take extra money from the gambling public, in order for him to make a little of his money back.

      1. Biff

        I'd like to say find another joint to stay, but they're all run by assholes. It really was better when the mob ran Vegas.

    2. DCBloom

      Maddow did a piece on that last week. The NRA lost 97% of thier investment. Similar numbers for Adelson, Chamber of Commerce. It's good to know all that money was for nothing.

  15. Negropolis

    Being that this is South Florida, what's the over/under on him ending up at the business end of a canal-side alligator? I could totally see this man being offended by this kind of critter and challenging it to a fight.

  16. Lot_49

    Maybe West and Norm Coleman could start a sore losers club, like the home for displaced Latin-American dictators in Autumn of the Patriarch. They could sit on the porch in rockers and bitch about how they were screwed, the system doesn't work, those hippies cheated, time was when this sorta thing….

    Al Gore couldn't join, because, whether it was the right thing to do or not, he was a gracious "loser," even though he didn't lose.

    1. Biff

      Al Gore couldn't join, because, whether it was the right thing to do or not, he was a gracious "loser," even though he didn't lose.
      No, WE lost…

  17. Gayer_Than_Thou

    Surely he'll run for governor of Florida, or something, right? That would be an endless fount of comedy.

  18. Negropolis

    Congressman West then added: "A great burden has been lifted from me. Now, I am free to spend more time with the voices in my head."

  19. Chow Yun Flat

    our legal team does not believe there are enough over-counted, undercounted or fraudulent votes to change the outcome of the election.

    As if that is a reason to stop a recount in Florida.

  20. randcoolcatdaddy

    Don't fret, Wonkette. You still have the new Republican governor (Tea Bagger crazy) and lieutenant governor (who ran on the slogan "Run, Forrest, Run!") of North Carolina to kick around.

    Besides, West will probably be back running for Preznit four years from now. Imagine a Bachmann/West ticket!

    1. Negropolis

      I thought the new govenor of NC (he was the mayor of Charlotte, right?) was a rather sane character and even pro-city? Did the tea party get to him, too? I mean, this guy brought light rail and all kinds of federally-funded goodies to the city, right?

      1. randcoolcatdaddy

        He's in bed with Art Pope, so I expect him to be a "slash and burn" governor. Rumors are already flying that Pope wants some of the UNC system campuses closed down or privatized, particularly UNC-Central in Durham.

        1. groverjefferson

          First off, its NC Central, and I've not heard any such rumors. That said, Pope does want to fuck shit up in higher ed in this state, and I doubt McCrory will stop him.

          Basically, Pat was a well-liked moderate in 08 who just barely lost in the surprise blue tide that year, so he went back to the drawing board and became a feckless stooge for Art Pope and the far-right, as well as the social conservatives– his silence on Amendment 1 in the spring, despite clearly being the kind of corporate tool Republican who knows better than to be a homophobe, was sickening.

          Bottom line- expect a shitty, spineless version of Scott Walker or Rick Scott, with a far-right legislature pushing him to all sorts of miserable awful shit.

          Bev, you might not have been the best, but we'll miss your mighty veto hammer.

          1. BoroPrimorac

            The Koch brothers are pissed off at Rick Scott because he is talking about setting up the health insurance exchange here in Florida.

  21. Pragmatist2

    There is a bright side. West will now be free to lead a Third Party Tea Party movement (to which we should all contribute). He is perfect for that: he is we'll known, crazy and he is of the Black persuasion, which the racists think will protect them from being called racists because logic.

  22. Negropolis

    Oh, you guys, keep an eye out for Kerry Bentivolio from Michigan's 11th in the upcoming session. You may remember him as the actually crazy Santa actor (and demanded to be called by Santa in a court case) and shirtless reindeer farmer. Yes, he really did win. I'd be surprised if he makes it through a term. Either some more crazy shit is going to come out about him, or he'll end up dueling with someone on the House floor…for freedom and not with votes.

      1. Negropolis

        If only they knew who they voted for. Given the resignation of McCotter sucking up all the air, my only explanation is that they saw an "R" next to his name, and he got swept in since he was an unintentional candidate. He also avoided the media entirely in this very short race, so there is no way put the geekiest followers would know about him.

        Had he been the candidate from the jump, there is no way he could have gotten elected in this wealth district. When he starts voting against the corporate interests of the overlords in the 11th, they'll take note.

    1. groverjefferson

      I am hoping and praying that Bentivolio becomes a Jim Traficant for our age. He's got all the right stuff.

  23. smellypossum

    I'm scared. What will we all do now that the wingnut teabag republitards have been banished from the public eye???

    Wait! Bachmann is still around.

    And because I crave the entertainment value: Palin/Nugent 2016!

    1. HistoriCat

      Baldar – how could you? Don't we have enough of these crazed asshats already?

      Or are you assuming that the crazy Teabagger aspect will be cancelled out by that whole pigmentation thing?

        1. HistoriCat

          Fortunately the Dems in Texas are traditionalists:
          The Democratic Party in Texas is leaderless and disorganized, ill-equipped to capitalize on the Republicans’ fear of their own extinction.

  24. HateMachine

    One day, science will give us the means to have it both ways. We will elect sane, reasonable candidates in this reality, and have a special telescope that allows us to observe the hellish alternate universe in which we elected the other, crazier guy.

    Political comedy blogs will be a better place when we don't actually have to live in a country/world run by its subject matter.

  25. Negropolis

    You know the saying, when life gives you lemons, make hateraid.

    Like a crotch rash, a hooker paid in counterfeit bills, or a murdered Jedi, Allen West will be back, and more powerful than you can ever imagine.

    Nobody puts Krazy in a corner.

  26. Negropolis

    Paula Broadwell just felt a disturbance in the force with this resignatio; her biographical senses are tingling…among other things.

  27. groverjefferson

    Among the many crazy suggestions in the Freeper mourning threads, my favorites so far have been

    (1) Allen West for Speaker! (because it doesn't HAVE to be a member of Congress…)*

    (2) Allen West for the leader of the "New Continental Army" (because this isn't the Confederacy, its the Revolution! Allen West is our black George Washington!)

    *in fairness, if Pelosi had stepped down, I would have been cheering for the dems to go and put Grayson somewhere in leadership just to fuck with the GOP.

  28. Not_Mother

    You leave town tonight, right now. And when you're gone, you stay gone, or you be gone. You lost all your L.A. privileges. Deal?

    -M. Wallace

  29. boskolives

    You miss the beauty of the recounts when you don't appreciate the fact that you get to watch him lose over and over. In a slow motion fall like in that "Rocky" movie when Apollo Creed gets gets his ass whooped.

  30. elviouslyqueer

    West ran as a rare truth-teller in politics, trying to turn his blunt talk into a campaign asset.

    Oh please. The Klonopin-induced babblings of a clinically insane, potty-mouthed racist motherfucker is hardly what I'd consider "blunt talk" or "rare truth-telling."

  31. vtxmcrider

    It is reported that the recount was stopped when he fired a gun next to the county elections commissioner's head. The choice was jail or concede.

  32. awwalk56

    I win! I fly to florida on Air Force One with a box of Obama phones, coordinate the hobo vote and we each voted five times! Now ltc leader of the baggers lead your broke ass on over to faux and further expose your own special kind of asshole.

  33. wondering where i am

    I gave munnies to that Murphy fella. I heard he had an old bar bill to take care of. Imagine. Someone named Murphy getting drunk and obstreperous at a bar!

  34. ttommyunger

    Well, Faux & Fiends could use a blah to support their "Fair and Balanced" theme. No doubt they won't allow him to sit next to the leggy blonde, though.

  35. Troglodeity

    "Just as I did in the deserts of Iraq and Afghanistan, just as I did on Capitol Hill, I will continue to fight for our Republic." – Allen West concession statement

    Might I suggest, Congressman West, that you turn your determined fury to recent seditious and treasonous acts by certain petition-signers? That would be a worthy cause.

  36. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Yet another case of the Democratic party stealing an election, and the Republicans refusing to provide us with the real answers. What is it that the Democrats have over the Republicans? Armies of Lizard People? Photos of them meeting with Donald Trump? Did they sent two New Black Panther party members to terrorize West?

    I guess we won't know until West gets his new show on FOX News next year.

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