GETTING MEDIEVAL  2:55 pm November 20, 2012

Things You Didn’t Know You Needed To Worry About: Getting Raped By Demons

by Doktor Zoom

A clear and present dangerYou may have been under the impression that when Christianists think about rape, they mostly think about how women are either asking for it by not screaming quite loudly enough or dressing like the sluts that everyone knows they are, or lying about it so they can murder a babby, or maybe using it as the first metaphor that comes to mind for everything that happens, ever. But you would be incorrect! It turns out that at least some members of the wingnut beliefosphere are actually concerned about real, genuine rapey-rape of the sort that happens when a demon from hell literally forces itself sexually upon a human being. This is a topic that Susan Brownmiller never addressed, which just goes to show how out of touch the radical feminists are. This rather breathless piece in “CharismaMagazine” warns, “As bizarre as it sounds, those who minister to people in occult bondage say it’s more common than you think.” So apparently the reason this demon-rape epidemic has gone underreported is that no one was asking the experts.

What’s sort of fascinating about the article is how seamlessly it adopts the rhetorical tropes of the trauma and recovery genre:

For nearly two decades, Contessa Adams felt as though she had no power against the demonic violators of her body. She felt trapped in secrecy and shame and knew that the demons tormenting her wanted things to stay that way.

But God had another agenda for Adams when she found Christ in 1979. The former stripper has a ministry through which she exposes one of Satan’s darkest secrets — sexual demons.

Replace the stuff about demons and Jebus with secular counterparts, and you’ve got a couple of paragraphs that would be at home in any magazine of the last 30 years — just change “ministry” to “support group.”

Of course, this topic does involve some special challenges, such as the trivial detail that incorporeal sexual predators do not actually exist, so the writer kind of has to take normal human sexuality and turn it into something horrific. Fortunately for the author, that is pretty much a wingnut’s default setting when it comes to normal human sexuality:

These spiritual rapists, as Adams describes them in her book, Consequences, often prey on people by performing sexual acts through nightmares and erotic dreams. Some people become so dependent upon these demonic experiences that they actually look forward to them.

“Anybody that has been attacked by them will tell you … they’re worried [that] they could not find that pleasure with mortal people,” says Adams, who claims she was once possessed by sexual demons.

We are told, in complete seriousness, that the main types of “identifiable sexual demons” are the incubus (male) and the succubus (female), and that while these absolutely real monsters primarily plague opposite-sex human victims, some “also lure people into homosexual behavior.” Indeed, even Contessa Adams admits that “the succubus spirit that used to attack her confused her so much that she contemplated becoming a lesbian.”

Happily, you can probably save yourself from these awful sex demons through a combination of tidying up and — whee! — submission:

Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance, Adams says. It is a part of the reprogramming process that takes place when an individual submits his or her life to God.

“The Holy Spirit has to reprogram you. If you’re not programmed for obedience, it’s hard to do so,” she teaches. “Once you come out of that world, you’re learning what you can do and what you cannot do. With the Holy Spirit, if [you] go to touch that fire, He will quicken you and tell you, ‘No.’”

You suppose maybe this might help explain why these idiots have such medieval ideas about sex and say such insane things about rape to start with? Nahhh, that’s crazy talk, we know.

Nom nom nomSadly, the article does not identify any other figures from medieval folklore that we should be worried about, so should you be attacked by a Tarasque, you’re on your own. You might try bathing it in holy water and showing it the cross. If that doesn’t work, try activating your Pikachu (assuming you have enough Electric energy cards). Tarasque is especially vulnerable to Thunderbolt, whch can cause 30 to 70 damage.

For once, we recommend reading the comments on the original article, because many readers are quite skeptical about the subject matter. Of course, the reason they are skeptical is that sex demons aren’t actually mentioned in the Official Rulebook, so really, this is mostly a dust-up about whether this particular bit of fanfic conforms to canon.

[CharismaMagazine]

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if your house is clean and you have sufficient charisma points, Doktor Zoom is on Twitter too.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 283 comments }

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Thank you for saving us from recipe madness Dok. Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking recipes on this motherfucking board!

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Is that 2012 Baldar saying it or 2010 Baldar?

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Ooooooh, man…and here I thought I came down again….wow….

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

2008. Bladar was always ahead of his time.

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I didn't realize 2008 Baldar managed to avoid the great comment move purge.

Chichikovovich November 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Yeah, well you were saying something different in the primaries.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Today is OHJB's 70th birthday. I wonder why Trix hasn't posted about this?

coolhandnuke November 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm

You should sample my exes' Sufferin' Succubus Succotash recipe.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Wait. Where are the three year old recipes??????

Mumbletypeg November 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Yeah! furthermore,

You may have been under the impression that when Christianists

I'm still experiencing time warp tedium. There is talk of "christianists" yet today ain't "Sunday with teh Lord." [??]

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Right. It's only Tuesursday.

Doktor Zoom November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

If you do the Time Warp during the Te Deum, you may be escorted out of the cathedral.

Limeylizzie November 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I bet demon sex is pretty good.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Is any sex ever bad?

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Yes. There is such a thing as bad sex….

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Unpossible

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Know the term "minute man?" ;-)

Terry November 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Anytime there's a lot of apologizing.

Jus_Wonderin November 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

There was that one time my hand was in a cast.

Limeylizzie November 20, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Oh yes, I recall a man called “Ed Sullivan”-truly but not that Ed Sullivan, smallest penis I have ever seen, and no clue as to what to do to compensate.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Yea, but having seen you I can guaran-damn-tee you the sex wasn't bad for HIM!

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Lizzie (pointing and laughing): Who do you expect to satisfy with that?!?!
Ed: Uh, myself?

Limeylizzie November 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Aww thanks, I am sure I was adequate, but he did get to touch the fabulous 34Gs.

ManchuCandidate November 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm

But he claimed he was a really big show…er, right?

Limeylizzie November 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

It was the classic Irish Curse.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

He said "shoe," however

widestanceromance November 20, 2012 at 3:31 pm

If you can't cut the mustard, you better know how to lick the jar?

Limeylizzie November 20, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I love you.

widestanceromance November 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Whoever said 'bad head is better than no head' never had truly bad head. When all you want to do is shoo their head away and leave, none would have been better.

Defeatably_Joe November 20, 2012 at 5:19 pm

DEAR GOD THE TEETH

All I really have to say on that topic.

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Sounds Legit.

mrpuma2u November 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Hey if the succubi look like Dr Zoom's pic, count me in. Hail Satan!

CommieLibunatic November 20, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Depends on your mythos. I'd prefer mine look just a little bit more mature. (that's a wink and a nudge to you, Anime Community at Large)

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 2:59 pm

For nearly two decades, Contessa Adams felt as though she had no power against the demonic violators of her body.

Dammit! I tipped well! What is her problem?????

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Yes, but did you wear the dog collar like she asked?

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Wait…what?

Negropolis November 21, 2012 at 12:13 am

Just the tip.

BadKitty904 November 20, 2012 at 3:01 pm

So. The Devil made them do it?

sewollef November 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm

This all seems like the devil is in the details, doesn't it?

BadKitty904 November 20, 2012 at 3:52 pm

De Devil is in de tails, yes…

mrpuma2u November 20, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Beats taking actual responsibility for ones actions every time. I was gonna not get all coked up and go to that hotel with the hookers, but they were SUCCUBI and I was all enchanted and enslaved and stuff.

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 3:01 pm

"People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance,"

Doesn't ADT offer a security system for this problem? If nothing else, lock your doors.

BadKitty904 November 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Call Orkin, also, too.

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I thought holding an aspirin between one's knees was the correct procedure. I haz confuse.

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Maybe demons are just interior decorators that have had enough.

Jus_Wonderin November 20, 2012 at 3:41 pm

One can only move a fern around sooo many times.

UW8316154 November 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Rosemary's Baby wasn't a novel.

Tommmcatt_Again November 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

It's a cookbook!

ChrisM2011 November 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Annie: The first passage will allow the demon to manifest itself in the flesh.

Ash: Why the hell would we want to do that?

HRH_Maddie November 20, 2012 at 3:03 pm

What is this post? I'm still waiting on Ann Coulter's green bean casserole recipe.

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Speaking of a succubus….

rmjagg November 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

the one seasoned with a quart of vodka ?

SayItWithWookies November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

And the bitter, bitter tears of a has-been acquiring self-knowledge.

HRH_Maddie November 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Yup and the secret ingredient is hateful ignorance.

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 3:22 pm

and a dash of horseface

HRH_Maddie November 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

PS – quart of vodka is my signature drink

Tommmcatt_Again November 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Mostly just jerked meat in a bile sauce. Green beans are a liberal plot.

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order.

So.. a good douche and you're good?

weejee November 20, 2012 at 3:08 pm

but finds the house is clean, swept and in order

But does that create a problem for single-wide loving meth Jebus?

Doktor Zoom November 20, 2012 at 3:35 pm

What worries me is the Cable TV possibilities. Shudder… Hoarders

sewollef November 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

So.. a good douche and you're good?

What's John McCain got to do with the devil?

jqheywood November 20, 2012 at 4:04 pm

a good douche . . .

SuspectedDemocrat November 20, 2012 at 4:10 pm

For sure, I don't get no nookie until after the dishes are done.

Negropolis November 21, 2012 at 12:15 am

And, you have to make sure the bushes are pruned.

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Incubus … succubus … where did I put that Monster Manual? It's in one of these boxes, I know it is.

emmelemm November 20, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I had one of those.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I was thinking the same thing. And here Dok says they are outside the rules.

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Psst, they're Tanar'ri; the Baatezu equivalent are the Erinyes.

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

What the hell is that shit? Oh – you're one of those whippersnappers with no respect for tradition. In my day you had the Players Handbook, the Dungeon Master's Guide, and the Monster Manual – and we liked it!

Get off my lawn!

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Hey, that's from my day, in the ancient times of 2nd Ed.! I can't remember which were devils and which were demons off back in 1st Ed. though.

For non-nerds, they changed the names from devils and demons because of moronic Christianists who actually claimed that D&D taught teenagers real magic and got them to worship Satan. Really, fundies are dumb.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I refuse to recognize anything published after 1984. I still have my Deities and Demigods manual with the Cthulhu myth in it.

jqheywood November 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Fundamentalist!

shelwood46 November 20, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Does that make you Amish or Mennonite?

Chet Kincaid_ November 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

J'accuse!! I think you just made up some random words here to fool everybody into thinking it's some Deep Nerd Obsession that only the nerdiest of nerds geek over!

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 3:52 pm

No, the Tanar'ri, or demons, are the Chaotic Evil Fiends, and inhabitants of the Abyss:
http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Tanar%27ri

While the Baatezu, or devils, are Lawful Evil Fiends who reside in the Nine Hells also called Baator:
http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Baatezu

The two groups are eternally fighting in the Blood War, a war between Order and Chaos (while both sides are, you know, evil) which is probably good news for the good inhabitants of the outer planes since they will never fight together.

Chet Kincaid_ November 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Is this how you spend your day, instead of making MissTaken's sammiches?!

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Bah! In my day you were high end if you had moved on from the blue and white D&D cover and were all into AD&D.

jqheywood November 20, 2012 at 4:09 pm

To see if I should reply, I rolled a d20….

HRH_Maddie November 20, 2012 at 3:04 pm

So that's the devil who appears in my dreams every night and not Ryan Gossling?

Doktor Zoom November 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Count your blessings. Sometimes he manifests as a large and moving Torg.

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 3:25 pm

For a second there I read that as "a large and moving Torgo" and had a rather different image in my head.

StillGoinGreen November 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm

My wife doesn't call hers a "Torg", she calls it a "BOAR" (battery operated asshole replacement).

doloras November 20, 2012 at 4:19 pm

"I take care of the place while the master is away!"

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Ah, The Beast of Yucca Flats.

widestanceromance November 20, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Hey girl. Just lay back and enjoy it.

HRH_Maddie November 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm

YES! I'm just sorry I can only give one upfist…

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

You are saying they are not one in the same?

HRH_Maddie November 20, 2012 at 3:39 pm

TAKE THAT BACK!!!!!

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 3:05 pm

It's really a lot of fun cracking on these folks, but I hate to think that I share the same roadways and restaurants and public facilities with them. They should really seek psychiatric help.

Spurning Beer November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Speaking as a mental health professional, I don't really think you'd want someone with such a lively sexual imagination as a patient.

Chet Kincaid_ November 20, 2012 at 3:18 pm

What about Jung and the spanky-panky with Sabina Spielrein and having his mistress/analyst Toni Wolff over for dinner with his wife and kids? Granted, he did spend a couple of years working on his Big Book Of Insane Vision Watercolors…

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm

And the problem with this is…?

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Charisma Magazine? Should be called "Ghost-Jizma."

widestanceromance November 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I'm confused. Is this a sweet or a savory dish?

gullywompr November 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Imaginary lovers
Never turn you down
When all the others turn you away
They're around

Dr_Zoidberg November 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I want a Cthulhu baby.

Jus_Wonderin November 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Shouldn't you have a Cthulhu baby shower first?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Cthulhu is very old-fashion, He would insist on marriage first.

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

It would have robster craws! How cute!

BadKitty904 November 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm

"those who minister to people in occult bondage" – P. T. Barnum wept.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I'm willing to minister to anyone in bondage, occult or otherwise.

Chet Kincaid_ November 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm

There's a succubus born every minute!

StillGoinGreen November 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm

You say "raped by demons" like that is a bad thing. PRUDE!!

CommieLibunatic November 20, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Depends on which demon(s) you're talking about. Some steamy, oiled-up succubus/incubus? Sure. "Papa" Nurgle, the Chaos God of Pestilence and Decay? KILL YOURSELF NOW!!!

SayItWithWookies November 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance, Adams says.

So if your house is messy, you're gonna get devil-raped? So it's the spiritual equivalent of letting your ankles show, I guess. "Your honor, I couldn't help attacking this woman in her dreams — have you seen her kitchen? She was begging for it."

BadKitty904 November 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Apparently, cleanliness IS next to godliness.

ManchuCandidate November 20, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Would Todd Akin and the rest of the Teabagger Rape Lovers Club approve?

sullivanst November 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm

This is a woman talking about how she "reprogrammed" away any thought of sex as a pleasurable experience for her. So, yes, they'd approve, wholeheartedly, but only after chastising her for ever thinking that way in the first place.

ph7 November 20, 2012 at 3:08 pm

With the Holy Spirit, if you go to touch that fire, He will quicken you and tell you, ‘No.’”

If that doesn't work, try saltpeter.

emmelemm November 20, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Dok, I can't believe you didn't take an opportunity to link to this. Or even this. So many words up there, so many wasted hyperlink opportunities.

Mumbletypeg November 20, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Wait'll she gets visited *down there* by demon sheep. That's when the real problems start.

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

*throws Serta mattress out the window*

SayItWithWookies November 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Shorn begorrah that would be a wooly problem.

Chet Kincaid_ November 20, 2012 at 3:25 pm

They're very good at grazing, if you know what I mean.

CrunchyKnee November 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

'Sexual Demons' was a great song.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Ah, the prequel to the big Marvin Gaye hit, "Sexual Healing"

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

iStockphoto Devil is NOT scary.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I'll give this recipe a try, but I'm not sure the rest of the family is going to like it.

not that Dewey November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Add more bourbon.

widestanceromance November 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm

And less family.

Nostrildamus November 20, 2012 at 4:49 pm

They'd probably prefer it to brussel sprouts.

Joshua Norton November 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

As bizarre as it sounds, those who minister to people in occult bondage say it’s more common than you think

It doesn't sound "bizarre" at all. If you happen to be a magistrate in the Court of Oyer and Terminer in 1692 Salem Town.

Oblios_Cap November 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

“The Holy Spirit has to reprogram you.

So… Moonies are sexual demons? Who knew?

Botlrokit November 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

So who is the audience for this? Single xtian women who just left bad relationships that were sexually fulfilling?

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Tsk. Tsk. Single Xtian women are chaste…. amirite?

Botlrokit November 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Oh yes, all of them, Katie.

jqheywood November 20, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Or being chased by their demon lover…it depends upon whose turn it is…oh, chaste….never mind…

Jus_Wonderin November 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Gosh. My dreams and/or nightmares always have me driving backwards really, really fast. And the brakes don't work.

Not sure if this sheds any light on my waking hours, part of which consists of trying to get to the bottom of the Vodka bottle.

LibrarianX November 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Demon sexy time? I thought I was earning a Merit Badge!

RedneckMuslin November 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Aaaah! That's where the morning wood is coming from.

Loch_Nessosaur November 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I'm dating an incubus.

ph7 November 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Lucky!

Tommmcatt_Again November 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I light candles, burn incense, play Barry White, yet still no demon peen. What am I doing wrong? Believe me, my house is filthy.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

So…can I have your number?

Tommmcatt_Again November 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I dunno. Did you cascade from heaven, cast forth in rebellion with the host of the evening star, Lucifer, called lightbringer and lord of lies? Have you spent these many eons in the lake of the dammed, venturing forth only to tempt and defile? Are you into oral and hung like a mule?

Just, you know, curious….

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Hullo, I'm a dude, so even if I didn't, I wouldn't admit it.

But yes to the last two

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Talk dirty to me. The power of christ compels you.

Negropolis November 21, 2012 at 12:30 am

ROTFLMAO! Comment of the Thread.

OurHoboSenator November 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

If it's legitimate demon rape, the body has a way to shut that down.

sullivanst November 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm

All demon rapes must be legitimate, then, because nobody ever got pregnant from one. QED!

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Rosemary Libel!

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I think Dick Cheney's mother did.

Estproph November 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

At least this pic doesn't have a My Little Pony with demon wings…

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

You've got charisma! And by charisma, I mean a demon in your twat!

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Vinegar, hell! That's gonna need the sulfuric acid douche.

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm

But charisma is almost always a dump stat…

sullivanst November 20, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Dammit, I was hoping for Ms. Carpenter.

GoodDogThor November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Mmmmm… hot demon anime.

Needs moar tentacles.

RedneckMuslin November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Evil sex is the best sex. Ride me my incubus!

sullivanst November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Yes yes, all my nightmares are such that I worry I won't be able to find so pleasurable an experience in waking life. That's why they're nightmares, right?

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

“identifiable sexual demons” are the incubus (male) and the succubus (female),"

Do these succubi expect you to take them to dinner and a movie, or do the just come over and fuck your brains out? I'm asking for a friend.

Oblios_Cap November 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Hi, friend.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Dude, it says "suck".

Esteev November 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Can I be that Fiend?

asterixaverni November 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I wonder if this was Mary's first excuse and no one bought it so…

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Sooooo, where would one find a succubus? I need to know for a friend.

widestanceromance November 20, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Go to an airport restroom and stand widely in the stall. . .

jqheywood November 20, 2012 at 4:29 pm

No, it says succubus…I'm thinking the Port Authority here..

Nostrildamus November 20, 2012 at 5:51 pm

♫The people on the succubus go up and down,
up and down,
up and down…♫

Oblios_Cap November 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

The story about the Tarasque is particularly heartwarming.

randcoolcatdaddy November 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Sigh. I've been looking for some good demon sex rape for years, but I always seem to wind up at the bar on the wrong night.

smashedinhat November 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Is it Sunday again already? Man, I gotta lay of the vodka!

SmutBoffin November 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Bigfoots/feet, however, are real.

So……look out for those. They mostly hang around poorly-lit bars at closing time.

emmelemm November 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm

2.3 miles, if she's menstruating.

SmutBoffin November 20, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Sorry I changed the joke 20 seconds after posting. I indicated that Bigfoots could identify sluts by smell.

emmelemm November 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Hey, you changed the joke on me! ;)

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

No, the Sasquatch did. They objected to trade secrets being revealed.

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 4:12 pm

It was just another hiccup in the space-time continuum.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Do you mean something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsm5f9JiIZc

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

If you have to fight a Tarasque you really are screwed; they're the toughest creatures in the entire Monstrous Compendium, at least in the First, Second and Third Editions (Fourth Edition just sucks so I haven't paid much attention to it).

sullivanst November 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Even if you've run through the whole sorting order of evil?

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I thought incubusses were where they put the small babbys.

Goonemeritus November 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I try to keep my house clean swept but I have two border collies and they shed.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm

The problem with demon sex is they never want to cuddle afterwards.

emmelemm November 20, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Clearly, I am not a demon then.

BadKitty904 November 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Awww… :0)

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:41 pm

At the right times…..

HistoriCat November 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Oh, DO tell us more!

GeorgiaMike November 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I remember the Vanity Fair article about that idiot Dr. Laura some years back. The guy who took the naked pictures of her said he called her "Ku Klux" because she was a demon under the sheets. Just another reason we can't have nice things.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

So, Dok, any directions in the article on how to invite demons into your bedchamber? You know, just for a little change of pace?

MissTaken November 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I've never been granted the gift of demon dick. Must be because I keep the house nice and clean.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Its not as much fun as you would think. I understand the barbs get annoying.

Botlrokit November 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Best part about dream sex? No chance of pregnancy. HUSH AND ENJOY IT, WOMENZ

smokefilledroommate November 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

November-Coming-Tarded

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I'm surprised Dok coulnd't find a cartoon pony to illustrate this.

BadKitty904 November 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Shhhhhhhhhh! Don't encourage 'im!

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Soros, you need to get Taken to take you out more.

sullivanst November 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Rule 34.2 in action.

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm

But you don't know Taken; that would mean more ponies.

SmutBoffin November 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm

"bill bleckley • a day ago

R u serious why would u even mention this have we as believers gotten. So low to even think about these stupid things. MY JESUS SAYS GO ANS SIN NO MORE IM TIRED OF ARTICLES LIKE THIS IT IS TIME TO PUT THE DEVIL BACK IN HIS PLACE UNDER THE MICRISCOPE WHERE HE BELONGS"

This is perfect! I would say that one of you posted it, but it is from yeesterday…

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I keep sweeping my house, but that just leaves me tired and sticky.

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Is that what they are calling that now?

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm

"Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44"

Here I thought the most valuable tool against any demons is the Slayer, one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Sounds like some good slash fic.

sullivanst November 20, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Joss Whedon libel!

sullivanst November 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Wait, stop the swell of their member? Oh, you said number. That's different, never mind…

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Adds new meaning to the term "The devil made me do it."

TootsStansbury November 20, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I don't want to think about what an omnibus or a metrobus would do. I won't mention the minibus.

Aridzona November 20, 2012 at 6:32 pm

The airbus is the ticket.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 20, 2012 at 3:22 pm

From the comments:

"The mating of the sons of God (generally understood as angels) with human females was a one time occurrence that brought about catastrophic judgment upon the earth. 2 Peter 1:4-5 and Jude 6 shows that these angels were confined in darkness, being bound for the day of judgment. These is no indication that it has been happening since them and the gravity of the judgment suggests that it was a unique event like the flood, its punishment (and not a current occurrence) and that the demons that are still free did not cross that line or they to would be bound."

Reading this is JUST LIKE reading a bunch of sci-fi nerds arguing about whether the hobbits should use light sabers or how many dragons are in Dune, or whatever.

Chet Kincaid_ November 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Stay out of Sorosbot's Intensedebate history!!

Tommmcatt_Again November 20, 2012 at 4:22 pm

THERE ARE NO DRAGONS IN Dune! How dare you, sir!

SuspectedDemocrat November 20, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Worms, wyrms, same thing.

Guppy November 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm

That's funny; all my succubus-induced dreams involve being turned into a sheep and forced to solve puzzles.

EDIT: OK, there was that one dream where the succubus turned into my mom but… that was kinda weird for all involved. We don't talk about that any more.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance, Adams says"

They're talking about femine hygeine here, right? See, this bible stuff isn't that hard.

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I need to give the lady that cleans my house a raise.

Allmighty_Manos November 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

My genie just gives hand jobs, so I'm going to have to check out the local demon scene.

Shellwith2Ls November 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

If the demon looks like Michael Fassbender in Hex, I'm all for this. Actually, if it looks like Michael Fassbender in anything I'm for it.

jello_mold November 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm

My place is a freaking pigstye and I haven't been laid in em, months. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Maybe it's time to go to work for the SEC.

DerrickWildcat November 20, 2012 at 3:28 pm

How many Demons do you think are in prison? How many do they catch you think?

Esteev November 20, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Where do I sign… in BLOOD?

metamarcisf November 20, 2012 at 3:28 pm

If you're out of Holy Water, use tap water. They'll never know the difference.

Blueb4sinrise November 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

This happens to me when I'm AWAKE!!!!!!!
Like……..in the shower…….

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Were you sweeping your house?

Esteev November 20, 2012 at 3:31 pm

This is good news for the Ghostbusters.

not that Dewey November 20, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

BadKitty904 November 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I thought that, during the rectification of the Vuldrini, the Traveler came as a large and moving Torg?

not that Dewey November 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Ah, but you forget about the McKetrick supplicants.

BadKitty904 November 20, 2012 at 4:07 pm
not that Dewey November 20, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Nice doggy.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Wait, since God means for women to get rape, does he also mean for them to get demon raped? In which case, as it is all part of God's plan, what is the problem with a little demon rape?

asterixaverni November 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

What the fuck is with you libtards and logic?

SorosBot November 20, 2012 at 3:35 pm

You know, the way these Christianists describe the "sexual demons" it almost sounds like they're talking about having normal healthy sex drive, which they pretend is somehow wrong, creating pathology in their believers and driving them to accept "therapy" that is pretty much brainwashing and rather abusive and sickening. Almost.

Defeatably_Joe November 20, 2012 at 3:35 pm

If that doesn’t work, try activating your Pikachu (assuming you have enough Electric energy cards). Tarasque is especially vulnerable to Thunderbolt, whch can cause 30 to 70 damage.

Lies! The Tarasque is actually very well-equipped to handle Thunderbolt; while it doesn't have a direct energy resistance, it does have spell resistance 32 and a reflective carapace that redirects 30% of incoming spell effects back at the caster before resistance is applied.

James Michael Curley November 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

" So apparently the reason this demon-rape epidemic has gone under reported is that no one was asking the experts." Or, complaining.

Defeatably_Joe November 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

To be fair, while they don't show up in the Official Rulebook, they almost certainly existed in King James's homebrew setting, since he personally presided over trials of witches for consorting with the sex demons in question, and put more than a couple to death.

DahBoner November 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

UNIX is the only thing Christians should worry about!

In UNIX, it's perfectly acceptable for daemons to talk to children through pipes….

sullivanst November 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Not only acceptable, but common. They're constantly forking.

Doktor Zoom November 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I remember that ad where they were trying to hire some Eunuchs programmers…

sullivanst November 20, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Oo, inter-thread communication. Are you using SysV shared memory for that?

MosesInvests November 20, 2012 at 11:41 pm

If the company nurse stops by, tell her I said never mind.

docterry6973 November 20, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Daemons talk to children through pipes? the FIENDS!!!

ph7 November 20, 2012 at 3:39 pm

This is the one instance where you can lay back and enjoy it.

Chet Kincaid_ November 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Is there no mention of the Inkubus and Tattubus, demons who are really into Skin Art?

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Yeah, it's all well and good and everyone is having a good time and then the demon melts off your face.

SaintRond November 20, 2012 at 3:50 pm

It's Casper, the rapey ghost!

Callyson November 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Worst. Penthouse Forum. Ever.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me, but the other day when I ordered Pizza, I was raped by a large and attractive Demon from the fifth level of Tartarus.

Jus_Wonderin November 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Incubus. Succubus. All I need to know is can I afford the monthly note and what is the fuckin' MPG?

SuspectedDemocrat November 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

You know what they say… Demon in the head, demon in the bed.

bobbert November 20, 2012 at 4:43 pm

My worst nightmare is when my dreams are invaded by a blue / corny comedian with a big nose. You know, an inka-dinkubus.

pdiddycornchips November 20, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I once dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up, my pillow was gone. True story

pdiddycornchips November 20, 2012 at 4:44 pm

That is the worst Twilight fan fic EVAH!!!

axonneuron November 20, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Crazy Christian alternative reality fiction.

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 20, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I think she's talking about masturbation. Did I get that right? She's talking about masturbation? What do I win?

TribecaMike November 20, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Just lie back, close your eyes, and think of Beelzebub.

ffredpalakon November 20, 2012 at 5:29 pm

You know, Ms. Contessa Adams, I find the whole "asking for it" idea as contemptible as any sane person out there – but when you have a name that gets rejected by Tim Burton as "too gothic", you're pretty much asking for demonic intruders. Your only hope is that these satanic meddlers get distracted by your potential neighbor, Percy Barchester Stoker.

BenGleck November 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Oh, for crying out loud!

snowpointsecret November 20, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Wait, we went from Thanksgiving food to anime girls? Today's a good day on Wonkette.

emmelemm November 20, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Every day's a good day on Wonkette.

decentcitizen November 20, 2012 at 7:29 pm

JK Rowling just got a new idea for a Harry Potter follow-up, "Harry and the Occult Bondage."

ttommyunger November 20, 2012 at 7:48 pm

"Anybody that has been attacked by them will tell you … they’re worried [that] they could not find that pleasure with mortal people,…” – Mortal Republican people to be sure.

dennis1943 November 20, 2012 at 8:06 pm

"The Entity"……revisited…….

Dashboard Buddha November 20, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Now, that book creeped me the FUCK out.

GeneralLerong November 20, 2012 at 9:55 pm

But…but…doesn't Matthew continue the story with an invasion of seven more demons?

"Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation."

Something to look forward to, I guess.

BZ1 November 20, 2012 at 10:29 pm

No wonder my mother always had the house clean, swept and in order.

MosesInvests November 20, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Manga demon babes>ponies.

Negropolis November 21, 2012 at 12:08 am

I completely and utterly appreciate the Pokemon reference. lol But, Tarasque appears to be a ground-type Pokemon, so only an inexperienced trainer would use an electric attack.

Negropolis November 21, 2012 at 12:19 am

These ladies just need to lie back and think of Hades.

redarmyzombie November 21, 2012 at 3:10 am

Dok, I don't have a Pikachu. Will my Gengar do the trick instead, or can I go with any Electric type?

Doktor Zoom November 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

I actually had "or any electric type" in the parentheses, then swapped in the stuff about energy cards. Kid Zoom, who had all that stuff memorized when he was like 6, said that was dumb, because no electric attacks require additional cards. That's not how I remembered it.

redarmyzombie November 22, 2012 at 3:03 am

Eh, It's been a while since I've played; I'll have to ask my peeps who are still in the loop.

Defeatably_Joe November 21, 2012 at 8:27 am

Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance,

I assume this refers specifically to tidying up "down there", to keep the demons out, and as such, I heartily agree with this tactic.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

You swore you'd never mention that.

ManchuCandidate November 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Whiskey Dick?

Limeylizzie November 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

It looks like a penis , only smaller.

Botlrokit November 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm

ZING

ManchuCandidate November 20, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I suspected as much, but I went with the easy joke instead.

I take it he wasn't good with the tongue either. Too bad.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:18 pm

And suddenly I'm jealous in absentia.

Jus_Wonderin November 20, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Damn, is the new iPhone already out??

Limeylizzie November 20, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I have never been brave enough to actually use that expression in real life!

BaldarTFlagass November 20, 2012 at 3:22 pm

"Hung like a lightswitch."

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I know and you promised the check was in the mail.

actor212 November 20, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Well, at least I kept my word on not coming in your mouth.

CapeClod November 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Or crying, by either party.

CapeClod November 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Or a baby carrot.

Limeylizzie November 20, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Hung like a mouse.

LibertyLover November 20, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Is that what that was? ;-)

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 20, 2012 at 7:05 pm

I remember cutting out the chits in my BD&D set, because I was too cheap to buy dice.

Negropolis November 21, 2012 at 12:12 am

Hung like a 17th century witch.

Too soon?

redarmyzombie November 21, 2012 at 3:08 am

YES!!!1!

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