Getting Medieval

Things You Didn’t Know You Needed To Worry About: Getting Raped By Demons

A clear and present dangerYou may have been under the impression that when Christianists think about rape, they mostly think about how women are either asking for it by not screaming quite loudly enough or dressing like the sluts that everyone knows they are, or lying about it so they can murder a babby, or maybe using it as the first metaphor that comes to mind for everything that happens, ever. But you would be incorrect! It turns out that at least some members of the wingnut beliefosphere are actually concerned about real, genuine rapey-rape of the sort that happens when a demon from hell literally forces itself sexually upon a human being. This is a topic that Susan Brownmiller never addressed, which just goes to show how out of touch the radical feminists are. This rather breathless piece in “CharismaMagazine” warns, “As bizarre as it sounds, those who minister to people in occult bondage say it’s more common than you think.” So apparently the reason this demon-rape epidemic has gone underreported is that no one was asking the experts.

What’s sort of fascinating about the article is how seamlessly it adopts the rhetorical tropes of the trauma and recovery genre:

For nearly two decades, Contessa Adams felt as though she had no power against the demonic violators of her body. She felt trapped in secrecy and shame and knew that the demons tormenting her wanted things to stay that way.

But God had another agenda for Adams when she found Christ in 1979. The former stripper has a ministry through which she exposes one of Satan’s darkest secrets — sexual demons.

Replace the stuff about demons and Jebus with secular counterparts, and you’ve got a couple of paragraphs that would be at home in any magazine of the last 30 years — just change “ministry” to “support group.”

Of course, this topic does involve some special challenges, such as the trivial detail that incorporeal sexual predators do not actually exist, so the writer kind of has to take normal human sexuality and turn it into something horrific. Fortunately for the author, that is pretty much a wingnut’s default setting when it comes to normal human sexuality:

These spiritual rapists, as Adams describes them in her book, Consequences, often prey on people by performing sexual acts through nightmares and erotic dreams. Some people become so dependent upon these demonic experiences that they actually look forward to them.

“Anybody that has been attacked by them will tell you … they’re worried [that] they could not find that pleasure with mortal people,” says Adams, who claims she was once possessed by sexual demons.

We are told, in complete seriousness, that the main types of “identifiable sexual demons” are the incubus (male) and the succubus (female), and that while these absolutely real monsters primarily plague opposite-sex human victims, some “also lure people into homosexual behavior.” Indeed, even Contessa Adams admits that “the succubus spirit that used to attack her confused her so much that she contemplated becoming a lesbian.”

Happily, you can probably save yourself from these awful sex demons through a combination of tidying up and — whee! — submission:

Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance, Adams says. It is a part of the reprogramming process that takes place when an individual submits his or her life to God.

“The Holy Spirit has to reprogram you. If you’re not programmed for obedience, it’s hard to do so,” she teaches. “Once you come out of that world, you’re learning what you can do and what you cannot do. With the Holy Spirit, if [you] go to touch that fire, He will quicken you and tell you, ‘No.'”

You suppose maybe this might help explain why these idiots have such medieval ideas about sex and say such insane things about rape to start with? Nahhh, that’s crazy talk, we know.

Nom nom nomSadly, the article does not identify any other figures from medieval folklore that we should be worried about, so should you be attacked by a Tarasque, you’re on your own. You might try bathing it in holy water and showing it the cross. If that doesn’t work, try activating your Pikachu (assuming you have enough Electric energy cards). Tarasque is especially vulnerable to Thunderbolt, whch can cause 30 to 70 damage.

For once, we recommend reading the comments on the original article, because many readers are quite skeptical about the subject matter. Of course, the reason they are skeptical is that sex demons aren’t actually mentioned in the Official Rulebook, so really, this is mostly a dust-up about whether this particular bit of fanfic conforms to canon.

[CharismaMagazine]

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if your house is clean and you have sufficient charisma points, Doktor Zoom is on Twitter too.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

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  • BaldarTFlagass

    Thank you for saving us from recipe madness Dok. Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking recipes on this motherfucking board!

    • HistoriCat

      Is that 2012 Baldar saying it or 2010 Baldar?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Ooooooh, man…and here I thought I came down again….wow….

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        2008. Bladar was always ahead of his time.

        • HistoriCat

          I didn't realize 2008 Baldar managed to avoid the great comment move purge.

    • Chichikovovich

      Yeah, well you were saying something different in the primaries.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Today is OHJB's 70th birthday. I wonder why Trix hasn't posted about this?

    • coolhandnuke

      You should sample my exes' Sufferin' Succubus Succotash recipe.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Wait. Where are the three year old recipes??????

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Yeah! furthermore,

      You may have been under the impression that when Christianists

      I'm still experiencing time warp tedium. There is talk of "christianists" yet today ain't "Sunday with teh Lord." [??]

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Right. It's only Tuesursday.

      • Doktor Zoom

        If you do the Time Warp during the Te Deum, you may be escorted out of the cathedral.

  • Limeylizzie

    I bet demon sex is pretty good.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Is any sex ever bad?

      • LibertyLover

        Yes. There is such a thing as bad sex….

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Unpossible

          • LibertyLover

            Know the term "minute man?" ;-)

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            You swore you'd never mention that.

          • LibertyLover

            I know and you promised the check was in the mail.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Well, at least I kept my word on not coming in your mouth.

          • LibertyLover

            Is that what that was? ;-)

          • Terry

            Anytime there's a lot of apologizing.

          • CapeClod

            Or crying, by either party.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          There was that one time my hand was in a cast.

      • Limeylizzie

        Oh yes, I recall a man called “Ed Sullivan”-truly but not that Ed Sullivan, smallest penis I have ever seen, and no clue as to what to do to compensate.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Yea, but having seen you I can guaran-damn-tee you the sex wasn't bad for HIM!

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Lizzie (pointing and laughing): Who do you expect to satisfy with that?!?!
            Ed: Uh, myself?

          • Limeylizzie

            Aww thanks, I am sure I was adequate, but he did get to touch the fabulous 34Gs.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            And suddenly I'm jealous in absentia.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            Damn, is the new iPhone already out??

        • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

          But he claimed he was a really big show…er, right?

          • Limeylizzie

            It was the classic Irish Curse.

          • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

            Whiskey Dick?

          • Limeylizzie

            It looks like a penis , only smaller.

          • Botlrokit

            ZING

          • Limeylizzie

            I have never been brave enough to actually use that expression in real life!

          • BaldarTFlagass

            "Hung like a lightswitch."

          • CapeClod

            Or a baby carrot.

          • Limeylizzie

            Hung like a mouse.

          • Negropolis

            Hung like a 17th century witch.

            Too soon?

          • redarmyzombie

            YES!!!1!

          • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

            I suspected as much, but I went with the easy joke instead.

            I take it he wasn't good with the tongue either. Too bad.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            He said "shoe," however

        • widestanceromance

          If you can't cut the mustard, you better know how to lick the jar?

          • Limeylizzie

            I love you.

      • widestanceromance

        Whoever said 'bad head is better than no head' never had truly bad head. When all you want to do is shoo their head away and leave, none would have been better.

        • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

          DEAR GOD THE TEETH

          All I really have to say on that topic.

  • LibertyLover

    Sounds Legit.

  • mrpuma2u

    Hey if the succubi look like Dr Zoom's pic, count me in. Hail Satan!

    • CommieLibunatic

      Depends on your mythos. I'd prefer mine look just a little bit more mature. (that's a wink and a nudge to you, Anime Community at Large)

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    For nearly two decades, Contessa Adams felt as though she had no power against the demonic violators of her body.

    Dammit! I tipped well! What is her problem?????

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yes, but did you wear the dog collar like she asked?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Wait…what?

    • Negropolis

      Just the tip.

  • BadKitty904

    So. The Devil made them do it?

    • sewollef

      This all seems like the devil is in the details, doesn't it?

      • BadKitty904

        De Devil is in de tails, yes…

    • mrpuma2u

      Beats taking actual responsibility for ones actions every time. I was gonna not get all coked up and go to that hotel with the hookers, but they were SUCCUBI and I was all enchanted and enslaved and stuff.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance,"

    Doesn't ADT offer a security system for this problem? If nothing else, lock your doors.

    • BadKitty904

      Call Orkin, also, too.

    • LibertyLover

      I thought holding an aspirin between one's knees was the correct procedure. I haz confuse.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Maybe demons are just interior decorators that have had enough.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        One can only move a fern around sooo many times.

  • UW8316154

    Rosemary's Baby wasn't a novel.

    • Tommmcatt_Again

      It's a cookbook!

  • ChrisM2011

    Annie: The first passage will allow the demon to manifest itself in the flesh.

    Ash: Why the hell would we want to do that?

  • HRH_Maddie

    What is this post? I'm still waiting on Ann Coulter's green bean casserole recipe.

    • LibertyLover

      Speaking of a succubus….

    • rmjagg

      the one seasoned with a quart of vodka ?

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        And the bitter, bitter tears of a has-been acquiring self-knowledge.

      • HRH_Maddie

        Yup and the secret ingredient is hateful ignorance.

        • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          and a dash of horseface

      • HRH_Maddie

        PS – quart of vodka is my signature drink

    • Tommmcatt_Again

      Mostly just jerked meat in a bile sauce. Green beans are a liberal plot.

  • LibertyLover

    Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order.

    So.. a good douche and you're good?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      but finds the house is clean, swept and in order

      But does that create a problem for single-wide loving meth Jebus?

    • Doktor Zoom

      What worries me is the Cable TV possibilities. Shudder… Hoarders

    • sewollef

      So.. a good douche and you're good?

      What's John McCain got to do with the devil?

      • jqheywood

        a good douche . . .

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      For sure, I don't get no nookie until after the dishes are done.

    • Negropolis

      And, you have to make sure the bushes are pruned.

  • HistoriCat

    Incubus … succubus … where did I put that Monster Manual? It's in one of these boxes, I know it is.

    • emmelemm

      I had one of those.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I was thinking the same thing. And here Dok says they are outside the rules.

    • SorosBot

      Psst, they're Tanar'ri; the Baatezu equivalent are the Erinyes.

      • HistoriCat

        What the hell is that shit? Oh – you're one of those whippersnappers with no respect for tradition. In my day you had the Players Handbook, the Dungeon Master's Guide, and the Monster Manual – and we liked it!

        Get off my lawn!

        • SorosBot

          Hey, that's from my day, in the ancient times of 2nd Ed.! I can't remember which were devils and which were demons off back in 1st Ed. though.

          For non-nerds, they changed the names from devils and demons because of moronic Christianists who actually claimed that D&D taught teenagers real magic and got them to worship Satan. Really, fundies are dumb.

        • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

          I refuse to recognize anything published after 1984. I still have my Deities and Demigods manual with the Cthulhu myth in it.

          • jqheywood

            Fundamentalist!

          • shelwood46

            Does that make you Amish or Mennonite?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        J'accuse!! I think you just made up some random words here to fool everybody into thinking it's some Deep Nerd Obsession that only the nerdiest of nerds geek over!

        • SorosBot

          No, the Tanar'ri, or demons, are the Chaotic Evil Fiends, and inhabitants of the Abyss:
          http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Tanar%27ri

          While the Baatezu, or devils, are Lawful Evil Fiends who reside in the Nine Hells also called Baator:
          http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Baatezu

          The two groups are eternally fighting in the Blood War, a war between Order and Chaos (while both sides are, you know, evil) which is probably good news for the good inhabitants of the outer planes since they will never fight together.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Is this how you spend your day, instead of making MissTaken's sammiches?!

          • HistoriCat

            Bah! In my day you were high end if you had moved on from the blue and white D&D cover and were all into AD&D.

          • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

            I remember cutting out the chits in my BD&D set, because I was too cheap to buy dice.

    • jqheywood

      To see if I should reply, I rolled a d20….

  • HRH_Maddie

    So that's the devil who appears in my dreams every night and not Ryan Gossling?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Count your blessings. Sometimes he manifests as a large and moving Torg.

      • SorosBot

        For a second there I read that as "a large and moving Torgo" and had a rather different image in my head.

        • StillGoinGreen

          My wife doesn't call hers a "Torg", she calls it a "BOAR" (battery operated asshole replacement).

        • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

          "I take care of the place while the master is away!"

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Ah, The Beast of Yucca Flats.

    • widestanceromance

      Hey girl. Just lay back and enjoy it.

      • HRH_Maddie

        YES! I'm just sorry I can only give one upfist…

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You are saying they are not one in the same?

      • HRH_Maddie

        TAKE THAT BACK!!!!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It's really a lot of fun cracking on these folks, but I hate to think that I share the same roadways and restaurants and public facilities with them. They should really seek psychiatric help.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Speaking as a mental health professional, I don't really think you'd want someone with such a lively sexual imagination as a patient.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        What about Jung and the spanky-panky with Sabina Spielrein and having his mistress/analyst Toni Wolff over for dinner with his wife and kids? Granted, he did spend a couple of years working on his Big Book Of Insane Vision Watercolors…

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        And the problem with this is…?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Charisma Magazine? Should be called "Ghost-Jizma."

  • widestanceromance

    I'm confused. Is this a sweet or a savory dish?

  • gullywompr

    Imaginary lovers
    Never turn you down
    When all the others turn you away
    They're around

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    I want a Cthulhu baby.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Shouldn't you have a Cthulhu baby shower first?

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Cthulhu is very old-fashion, He would insist on marriage first.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      It would have robster craws! How cute!

  • BadKitty904

    "those who minister to people in occult bondage" – P. T. Barnum wept.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm willing to minister to anyone in bondage, occult or otherwise.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      There's a succubus born every minute!

  • StillGoinGreen

    You say "raped by demons" like that is a bad thing. PRUDE!!

    • CommieLibunatic

      Depends on which demon(s) you're talking about. Some steamy, oiled-up succubus/incubus? Sure. "Papa" Nurgle, the Chaos God of Pestilence and Decay? KILL YOURSELF NOW!!!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance, Adams says.

    So if your house is messy, you're gonna get devil-raped? So it's the spiritual equivalent of letting your ankles show, I guess. "Your honor, I couldn't help attacking this woman in her dreams — have you seen her kitchen? She was begging for it."

    • BadKitty904

      Apparently, cleanliness IS next to godliness.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Would Todd Akin and the rest of the Teabagger Rape Lovers Club approve?

    • sullivanst

      This is a woman talking about how she "reprogrammed" away any thought of sex as a pleasurable experience for her. So, yes, they'd approve, wholeheartedly, but only after chastising her for ever thinking that way in the first place.

  • ph7

    With the Holy Spirit, if you go to touch that fire, He will quicken you and tell you, ‘No.’”

    If that doesn't work, try saltpeter.

  • emmelemm

    Dok, I can't believe you didn't take an opportunity to link to this. Or even this. So many words up there, so many wasted hyperlink opportunities.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Wait'll she gets visited *down there* by demon sheep. That's when the real problems start.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      *throws Serta mattress out the window*

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      Shorn begorrah that would be a wooly problem.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      They're very good at grazing, if you know what I mean.

  • CrunchyKnee

    'Sexual Demons' was a great song.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ah, the prequel to the big Marvin Gaye hit, "Sexual Healing"

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    iStockphoto Devil is NOT scary.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'll give this recipe a try, but I'm not sure the rest of the family is going to like it.

    • not that Dewey

      Add more bourbon.

      • widestanceromance

        And less family.

    • Nostrildamus

      They'd probably prefer it to brussel sprouts.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    As bizarre as it sounds, those who minister to people in occult bondage say it’s more common than you think

    It doesn't sound "bizarre" at all. If you happen to be a magistrate in the Court of Oyer and Terminer in 1692 Salem Town.

  • Oblios_Cap

    “The Holy Spirit has to reprogram you.

    So… Moonies are sexual demons? Who knew?

  • Botlrokit

    So who is the audience for this? Single xtian women who just left bad relationships that were sexually fulfilling?

    • LibertyLover

      Tsk. Tsk. Single Xtian women are chaste…. amirite?

      • Botlrokit

        Oh yes, all of them, Katie.

      • jqheywood

        Or being chased by their demon lover…it depends upon whose turn it is…oh, chaste….never mind…

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Gosh. My dreams and/or nightmares always have me driving backwards really, really fast. And the brakes don't work.

    Not sure if this sheds any light on my waking hours, part of which consists of trying to get to the bottom of the Vodka bottle.

  • LibrarianX

    Demon sexy time? I thought I was earning a Merit Badge!

  • RedneckMuslin

    Aaaah! That's where the morning wood is coming from.

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    I'm dating an incubus.

    • ph7

      Lucky!

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    I light candles, burn incense, play Barry White, yet still no demon peen. What am I doing wrong? Believe me, my house is filthy.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      So…can I have your number?

      • Tommmcatt_Again

        I dunno. Did you cascade from heaven, cast forth in rebellion with the host of the evening star, Lucifer, called lightbringer and lord of lies? Have you spent these many eons in the lake of the dammed, venturing forth only to tempt and defile? Are you into oral and hung like a mule?

        Just, you know, curious….

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Hullo, I'm a dude, so even if I didn't, I wouldn't admit it.

          But yes to the last two

    • LibertyLover

      Talk dirty to me. The power of christ compels you.

    • Negropolis

      ROTFLMAO! Comment of the Thread.

  • OurHoboSenator

    If it's legitimate demon rape, the body has a way to shut that down.

    • sullivanst

      All demon rapes must be legitimate, then, because nobody ever got pregnant from one. QED!

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Rosemary Libel!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I think Dick Cheney's mother did.

  • Estproph

    At least this pic doesn't have a My Little Pony with demon wings…

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    You've got charisma! And by charisma, I mean a demon in your twat!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Vinegar, hell! That's gonna need the sulfuric acid douche.

    • SorosBot

      But charisma is almost always a dump stat…

    • sullivanst

      Dammit, I was hoping for Ms. Carpenter.

  • GoodDogThor

    Mmmmm… hot demon anime.

    Needs moar tentacles.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Evil sex is the best sex. Ride me my incubus!

  • sullivanst

    Yes yes, all my nightmares are such that I worry I won't be able to find so pleasurable an experience in waking life. That's why they're nightmares, right?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “identifiable sexual demons” are the incubus (male) and the succubus (female),"

    Do these succubi expect you to take them to dinner and a movie, or do the just come over and fuck your brains out? I'm asking for a friend.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Hi, friend.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Dude, it says "suck".

    • Esteev

      Can I be that Fiend?

  • asterixaverni

    I wonder if this was Mary's first excuse and no one bought it so…

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Sooooo, where would one find a succubus? I need to know for a friend.

    • widestanceromance

      Go to an airport restroom and stand widely in the stall. . .

      • jqheywood

        No, it says succubus…I'm thinking the Port Authority here..

        • Nostrildamus

          ♫The people on the succubus go up and down,
          up and down,
          up and down…♫

  • Oblios_Cap

    The story about the Tarasque is particularly heartwarming.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Sigh. I've been looking for some good demon sex rape for years, but I always seem to wind up at the bar on the wrong night.

  • smashedinhat

    Is it Sunday again already? Man, I gotta lay of the vodka!

  • SmutBoffin

    Bigfoots/feet, however, are real.

    So……look out for those. They mostly hang around poorly-lit bars at closing time.

    • emmelemm

      2.3 miles, if she's menstruating.

      • SmutBoffin

        Sorry I changed the joke 20 seconds after posting. I indicated that Bigfoots could identify sluts by smell.

        • emmelemm

          Hey, you changed the joke on me! ;)

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            No, the Sasquatch did. They objected to trade secrets being revealed.

          • HistoriCat

            It was just another hiccup in the space-time continuum.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Do you mean something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsm5f9JiIZc

  • SorosBot

    If you have to fight a Tarasque you really are screwed; they're the toughest creatures in the entire Monstrous Compendium, at least in the First, Second and Third Editions (Fourth Edition just sucks so I haven't paid much attention to it).

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    I thought incubusses were where they put the small babbys.

  • Goonemeritus

    I try to keep my house clean swept but I have two border collies and they shed.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The problem with demon sex is they never want to cuddle afterwards.

    • emmelemm

      Clearly, I am not a demon then.

      • BadKitty904

        Awww… :0)

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        At the right times…..

        • HistoriCat

          Oh, DO tell us more!

  • GeorgiaMike

    I remember the Vanity Fair article about that idiot Dr. Laura some years back. The guy who took the naked pictures of her said he called her "Ku Klux" because she was a demon under the sheets. Just another reason we can't have nice things.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, Dok, any directions in the article on how to invite demons into your bedchamber? You know, just for a little change of pace?

  • MissTaken

    I've never been granted the gift of demon dick. Must be because I keep the house nice and clean.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Its not as much fun as you would think. I understand the barbs get annoying.

  • Botlrokit

    Best part about dream sex? No chance of pregnancy. HUSH AND ENJOY IT, WOMENZ

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    November-Coming-Tarded

  • LibertyLover

    I'm surprised Dok coulnd't find a cartoon pony to illustrate this.

  • SmutBoffin

    "bill bleckley • a day ago

    R u serious why would u even mention this have we as believers gotten. So low to even think about these stupid things. MY JESUS SAYS GO ANS SIN NO MORE IM TIRED OF ARTICLES LIKE THIS IT IS TIME TO PUT THE DEVIL BACK IN HIS PLACE UNDER THE MICRISCOPE WHERE HE BELONGS"

    This is perfect! I would say that one of you posted it, but it is from yeesterday…

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I keep sweeping my house, but that just leaves me tired and sticky.

    • LibertyLover

      Is that what they are calling that now?

  • SorosBot

    "Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44"

    Here I thought the most valuable tool against any demons is the Slayer, one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Sounds like some good slash fic.

      • sullivanst

        Joss Whedon libel!

    • sullivanst

      Wait, stop the swell of their member? Oh, you said number. That's different, never mind…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Adds new meaning to the term "The devil made me do it."

  • TootsStansbury

    I don't want to think about what an omnibus or a metrobus would do. I won't mention the minibus.

    • Aridzona

      The airbus is the ticket.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    From the comments:

    "The mating of the sons of God (generally understood as angels) with human females was a one time occurrence that brought about catastrophic judgment upon the earth. 2 Peter 1:4-5 and Jude 6 shows that these angels were confined in darkness, being bound for the day of judgment. These is no indication that it has been happening since them and the gravity of the judgment suggests that it was a unique event like the flood, its punishment (and not a current occurrence) and that the demons that are still free did not cross that line or they to would be bound."

    Reading this is JUST LIKE reading a bunch of sci-fi nerds arguing about whether the hobbits should use light sabers or how many dragons are in Dune, or whatever.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Stay out of Sorosbot's Intensedebate history!!

    • Tommmcatt_Again

      THERE ARE NO DRAGONS IN Dune! How dare you, sir!

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Worms, wyrms, same thing.

  • Guppy

    That's funny; all my succubus-induced dreams involve being turned into a sheep and forced to solve puzzles.

    EDIT: OK, there was that one dream where the succubus turned into my mom but… that was kinda weird for all involved. We don't talk about that any more.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance, Adams says"

    They're talking about femine hygeine here, right? See, this bible stuff isn't that hard.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I need to give the lady that cleans my house a raise.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    My genie just gives hand jobs, so I'm going to have to check out the local demon scene.

  • Shellwith2Ls

    If the demon looks like Michael Fassbender in Hex, I'm all for this. Actually, if it looks like Michael Fassbender in anything I'm for it.

  • jello_mold

    My place is a freaking pigstye and I haven't been laid in em, months. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe it's time to go to work for the SEC.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    How many Demons do you think are in prison? How many do they catch you think?

  • Esteev

    Where do I sign… in BLOOD?

  • metamarcisf

    If you're out of Holy Water, use tap water. They'll never know the difference.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    This happens to me when I'm AWAKE!!!!!!!
    Like……..in the shower…….

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Were you sweeping your house?

  • Esteev

    This is good news for the Ghostbusters.

  • not that Dewey

    Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

    • BadKitty904

      I thought that, during the rectification of the Vuldrini, the Traveler came as a large and moving Torg?

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, since God means for women to get rape, does he also mean for them to get demon raped? In which case, as it is all part of God's plan, what is the problem with a little demon rape?

    • asterixaverni

      What the fuck is with you libtards and logic?

  • SorosBot

    You know, the way these Christianists describe the "sexual demons" it almost sounds like they're talking about having normal healthy sex drive, which they pretend is somehow wrong, creating pathology in their believers and driving them to accept "therapy" that is pretty much brainwashing and rather abusive and sickening. Almost.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

    If that doesn’t work, try activating your Pikachu (assuming you have enough Electric energy cards). Tarasque is especially vulnerable to Thunderbolt, whch can cause 30 to 70 damage.

    Lies! The Tarasque is actually very well-equipped to handle Thunderbolt; while it doesn't have a direct energy resistance, it does have spell resistance 32 and a reflective carapace that redirects 30% of incoming spell effects back at the caster before resistance is applied.

  • James Michael Curley

    " So apparently the reason this demon-rape epidemic has gone under reported is that no one was asking the experts." Or, complaining.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

    To be fair, while they don't show up in the Official Rulebook, they almost certainly existed in King James's homebrew setting, since he personally presided over trials of witches for consorting with the sex demons in question, and put more than a couple to death.

  • DahBoner

    UNIX is the only thing Christians should worry about!

    In UNIX, it's perfectly acceptable for daemons to talk to children through pipes….

    • sullivanst

      Not only acceptable, but common. They're constantly forking.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I remember that ad where they were trying to hire some Eunuchs programmers…

      • sullivanst

        Oo, inter-thread communication. Are you using SysV shared memory for that?

      • MosesInvests

        If the company nurse stops by, tell her I said never mind.

    • docterry6973

      Daemons talk to children through pipes? the FIENDS!!!

  • ph7

    This is the one instance where you can lay back and enjoy it.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Is there no mention of the Inkubus and Tattubus, demons who are really into Skin Art?

  • LibertyLover

    Yeah, it's all well and good and everyone is having a good time and then the demon melts off your face.

  • SaintRond

    It's Casper, the rapey ghost!

  • Callyson

    Worst. Penthouse Forum. Ever.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me, but the other day when I ordered Pizza, I was raped by a large and attractive Demon from the fifth level of Tartarus.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Incubus. Succubus. All I need to know is can I afford the monthly note and what is the fuckin' MPG?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    You know what they say… Demon in the head, demon in the bed.

  • bobbert

    My worst nightmare is when my dreams are invaded by a blue / corny comedian with a big nose. You know, an inka-dinkubus.

    • pdiddycornchips

      I once dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up, my pillow was gone. True story

  • pdiddycornchips

    That is the worst Twilight fan fic EVAH!!!

  • axonneuron

    Crazy Christian alternative reality fiction.

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    I think she's talking about masturbation. Did I get that right? She's talking about masturbation? What do I win?

  • TribecaMike

    Just lie back, close your eyes, and think of Beelzebub.

  • http://italkyoubored.wordpress.com/ ffredpalakon

    You know, Ms. Contessa Adams, I find the whole "asking for it" idea as contemptible as any sane person out there – but when you have a name that gets rejected by Tim Burton as "too gothic", you're pretty much asking for demonic intruders. Your only hope is that these satanic meddlers get distracted by your potential neighbor, Percy Barchester Stoker.

  • BenGleck

    Oh, for crying out loud!

  • snowpointsecret

    Wait, we went from Thanksgiving food to anime girls? Today's a good day on Wonkette.

    • emmelemm

      Every day's a good day on Wonkette.

  • decentcitizen

    JK Rowling just got a new idea for a Harry Potter follow-up, "Harry and the Occult Bondage."

  • ttommyunger

    "Anybody that has been attacked by them will tell you … they’re worried [that] they could not find that pleasure with mortal people,…” – Mortal Republican people to be sure.

  • dennis1943

    "The Entity"……revisited…….

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Now, that book creeped me the FUCK out.

  • GeneralLerong

    But…but…doesn't Matthew continue the story with an invasion of seven more demons?

    "Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation."

    Something to look forward to, I guess.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    No wonder my mother always had the house clean, swept and in order.

  • MosesInvests

    Manga demon babes>ponies.

  • Negropolis

    I completely and utterly appreciate the Pokemon reference. lol But, Tarasque appears to be a ground-type Pokemon, so only an inexperienced trainer would use an electric attack.

  • Negropolis

    These ladies just need to lie back and think of Hades.

  • redarmyzombie

    Dok, I don't have a Pikachu. Will my Gengar do the trick instead, or can I go with any Electric type?

    • Doktor Zoom

      I actually had "or any electric type" in the parentheses, then swapped in the stuff about energy cards. Kid Zoom, who had all that stuff memorized when he was like 6, said that was dumb, because no electric attacks require additional cards. That's not how I remembered it.

      • redarmyzombie

        Eh, It's been a while since I've played; I'll have to ask my peeps who are still in the loop.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

    Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance,

    I assume this refers specifically to tidying up "down there", to keep the demons out, and as such, I heartily agree with this tactic.