Getting Medieval

Things You Didn’t Know You Needed To Worry About: Getting Raped By Demons

A clear and present dangerYou may have been under the impression that when Christianists think about rape, they mostly think about how women are either asking for it by not screaming quite loudly enough or dressing like the sluts that everyone knows they are, or lying about it so they can murder a babby, or maybe using it as the first metaphor that comes to mind for everything that happens, ever. But you would be incorrect! It turns out that at least some members of the wingnut beliefosphere are actually concerned about real, genuine rapey-rape of the sort that happens when a demon from hell literally forces itself sexually upon a human being. This is a topic that Susan Brownmiller never addressed, which just goes to show how out of touch the radical feminists are. This rather breathless piece in “CharismaMagazine” warns, “As bizarre as it sounds, those who minister to people in occult bondage say it’s more common than you think.” So apparently the reason this demon-rape epidemic has gone underreported is that no one was asking the experts.

What’s sort of fascinating about the article is how seamlessly it adopts the rhetorical tropes of the trauma and recovery genre:

For nearly two decades, Contessa Adams felt as though she had no power against the demonic violators of her body. She felt trapped in secrecy and shame and knew that the demons tormenting her wanted things to stay that way.

But God had another agenda for Adams when she found Christ in 1979. The former stripper has a ministry through which she exposes one of Satan’s darkest secrets — sexual demons.

Replace the stuff about demons and Jebus with secular counterparts, and you’ve got a couple of paragraphs that would be at home in any magazine of the last 30 years — just change “ministry” to “support group.”

Of course, this topic does involve some special challenges, such as the trivial detail that incorporeal sexual predators do not actually exist, so the writer kind of has to take normal human sexuality and turn it into something horrific. Fortunately for the author, that is pretty much a wingnut’s default setting when it comes to normal human sexuality:

These spiritual rapists, as Adams describes them in her book, Consequences, often prey on people by performing sexual acts through nightmares and erotic dreams. Some people become so dependent upon these demonic experiences that they actually look forward to them.

“Anybody that has been attacked by them will tell you … they’re worried [that] they could not find that pleasure with mortal people,” says Adams, who claims she was once possessed by sexual demons.

We are told, in complete seriousness, that the main types of “identifiable sexual demons” are the incubus (male) and the succubus (female), and that while these absolutely real monsters primarily plague opposite-sex human victims, some “also lure people into homosexual behavior.” Indeed, even Contessa Adams admits that “the succubus spirit that used to attack her confused her so much that she contemplated becoming a lesbian.”

Happily, you can probably save yourself from these awful sex demons through a combination of tidying up and — whee! — submission:

Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance, Adams says. It is a part of the reprogramming process that takes place when an individual submits his or her life to God.

“The Holy Spirit has to reprogram you. If you’re not programmed for obedience, it’s hard to do so,” she teaches. “Once you come out of that world, you’re learning what you can do and what you cannot do. With the Holy Spirit, if [you] go to touch that fire, He will quicken you and tell you, ‘No.’”

You suppose maybe this might help explain why these idiots have such medieval ideas about sex and say such insane things about rape to start with? Nahhh, that’s crazy talk, we know.

Nom nom nomSadly, the article does not identify any other figures from medieval folklore that we should be worried about, so should you be attacked by a Tarasque, you’re on your own. You might try bathing it in holy water and showing it the cross. If that doesn’t work, try activating your Pikachu (assuming you have enough Electric energy cards). Tarasque is especially vulnerable to Thunderbolt, whch can cause 30 to 70 damage.

For once, we recommend reading the comments on the original article, because many readers are quite skeptical about the subject matter. Of course, the reason they are skeptical is that sex demons aren’t actually mentioned in the Official Rulebook, so really, this is mostly a dust-up about whether this particular bit of fanfic conforms to canon.

[CharismaMagazine]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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283 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    Thank you for saving us from recipe madness Dok. Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking recipes on this motherfucking board!

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Yeah! furthermore,

      You may have been under the impression that when Christianists

      I'm still experiencing time warp tedium. There is talk of "christianists" yet today ain't "Sunday with teh Lord." [??]

      1. Limeylizzie

        Oh yes, I recall a man called “Ed Sullivan”-truly but not that Ed Sullivan, smallest penis I have ever seen, and no clue as to what to do to compensate.

      2. widestanceromance

        Whoever said 'bad head is better than no head' never had truly bad head. When all you want to do is shoo their head away and leave, none would have been better.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Depends on your mythos. I'd prefer mine look just a little bit more mature. (that's a wink and a nudge to you, Anime Community at Large)

  2. actor212

    For nearly two decades, Contessa Adams felt as though she had no power against the demonic violators of her body.

    Dammit! I tipped well! What is her problem?????

    1. mrpuma2u

      Beats taking actual responsibility for ones actions every time. I was gonna not get all coked up and go to that hotel with the hookers, but they were SUCCUBI and I was all enchanted and enslaved and stuff.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    "People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance,"

    Doesn't ADT offer a security system for this problem? If nothing else, lock your doors.

  4. ChrisM2011

    Annie: The first passage will allow the demon to manifest itself in the flesh.

    Ash: Why the hell would we want to do that?

  5. LibertyLover

    Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order.

    So.. a good douche and you're good?

  6. HistoriCat

    Incubus … succubus … where did I put that Monster Manual? It's in one of these boxes, I know it is.

      1. HistoriCat

        What the hell is that shit? Oh – you're one of those whippersnappers with no respect for tradition. In my day you had the Players Handbook, the Dungeon Master's Guide, and the Monster Manual – and we liked it!

        Get off my lawn!

        1. SorosBot

          Hey, that's from my day, in the ancient times of 2nd Ed.! I can't remember which were devils and which were demons off back in 1st Ed. though.

          For non-nerds, they changed the names from devils and demons because of moronic Christianists who actually claimed that D&D taught teenagers real magic and got them to worship Satan. Really, fundies are dumb.

      2. Chet Kincaid_

        J'accuse!! I think you just made up some random words here to fool everybody into thinking it's some Deep Nerd Obsession that only the nerdiest of nerds geek over!

        1. SorosBot

          No, the Tanar'ri, or demons, are the Chaotic Evil Fiends, and inhabitants of the Abyss:
          http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Tanar%27ri

          While the Baatezu, or devils, are Lawful Evil Fiends who reside in the Nine Hells also called Baator:
          http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Baatezu

          The two groups are eternally fighting in the Blood War, a war between Order and Chaos (while both sides are, you know, evil) which is probably good news for the good inhabitants of the outer planes since they will never fight together.

          1. HistoriCat

            Bah! In my day you were high end if you had moved on from the blue and white D&D cover and were all into AD&D.

      1. SorosBot

        For a second there I read that as "a large and moving Torgo" and had a rather different image in my head.

        1. StillGoinGreen

          My wife doesn't call hers a "Torg", she calls it a "BOAR" (battery operated asshole replacement).

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    It's really a lot of fun cracking on these folks, but I hate to think that I share the same roadways and restaurants and public facilities with them. They should really seek psychiatric help.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        What about Jung and the spanky-panky with Sabina Spielrein and having his mistress/analyst Toni Wolff over for dinner with his wife and kids? Granted, he did spend a couple of years working on his Big Book Of Insane Vision Watercolors…

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Depends on which demon(s) you're talking about. Some steamy, oiled-up succubus/incubus? Sure. "Papa" Nurgle, the Chaos God of Pestilence and Decay? KILL YOURSELF NOW!!!

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance, Adams says.

    So if your house is messy, you're gonna get devil-raped? So it's the spiritual equivalent of letting your ankles show, I guess. "Your honor, I couldn't help attacking this woman in her dreams — have you seen her kitchen? She was begging for it."

    1. sullivanst

      This is a woman talking about how she "reprogrammed" away any thought of sex as a pleasurable experience for her. So, yes, they'd approve, wholeheartedly, but only after chastising her for ever thinking that way in the first place.

  9. ph7

    With the Holy Spirit, if you go to touch that fire, He will quicken you and tell you, ‘No.’”

    If that doesn't work, try saltpeter.

  10. emmelemm

    Dok, I can't believe you didn't take an opportunity to link to this. Or even this. So many words up there, so many wasted hyperlink opportunities.

  11. Joshua Norton

    As bizarre as it sounds, those who minister to people in occult bondage say it’s more common than you think

    It doesn't sound "bizarre" at all. If you happen to be a magistrate in the Court of Oyer and Terminer in 1692 Salem Town.

  12. Botlrokit

    So who is the audience for this? Single xtian women who just left bad relationships that were sexually fulfilling?

      1. jqheywood

        Or being chased by their demon lover…it depends upon whose turn it is…oh, chaste….never mind…

  13. Jus_Wonderin

    Gosh. My dreams and/or nightmares always have me driving backwards really, really fast. And the brakes don't work.

    Not sure if this sheds any light on my waking hours, part of which consists of trying to get to the bottom of the Vodka bottle.

  14. Tommmcatt_Again

    I light candles, burn incense, play Barry White, yet still no demon peen. What am I doing wrong? Believe me, my house is filthy.

      1. Tommmcatt_Again

        I dunno. Did you cascade from heaven, cast forth in rebellion with the host of the evening star, Lucifer, called lightbringer and lord of lies? Have you spent these many eons in the lake of the dammed, venturing forth only to tempt and defile? Are you into oral and hung like a mule?

        Just, you know, curious….

  15. sullivanst

    Yes yes, all my nightmares are such that I worry I won't be able to find so pleasurable an experience in waking life. That's why they're nightmares, right?

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    “identifiable sexual demons” are the incubus (male) and the succubus (female),"

    Do these succubi expect you to take them to dinner and a movie, or do the just come over and fuck your brains out? I'm asking for a friend.

  17. randcoolcatdaddy

    Sigh. I've been looking for some good demon sex rape for years, but I always seem to wind up at the bar on the wrong night.

  18. SmutBoffin

    Bigfoots/feet, however, are real.

    So……look out for those. They mostly hang around poorly-lit bars at closing time.

      1. SmutBoffin

        Sorry I changed the joke 20 seconds after posting. I indicated that Bigfoots could identify sluts by smell.

  19. SorosBot

    If you have to fight a Tarasque you really are screwed; they're the toughest creatures in the entire Monstrous Compendium, at least in the First, Second and Third Editions (Fourth Edition just sucks so I haven't paid much attention to it).

  20. GeorgiaMike

    I remember the Vanity Fair article about that idiot Dr. Laura some years back. The guy who took the naked pictures of her said he called her "Ku Klux" because she was a demon under the sheets. Just another reason we can't have nice things.

  21. SmutBoffin

    "bill bleckley • a day ago

    R u serious why would u even mention this have we as believers gotten. So low to even think about these stupid things. MY JESUS SAYS GO ANS SIN NO MORE IM TIRED OF ARTICLES LIKE THIS IT IS TIME TO PUT THE DEVIL BACK IN HIS PLACE UNDER THE MICRISCOPE WHERE HE BELONGS"

    This is perfect! I would say that one of you posted it, but it is from yeesterday…

  22. SorosBot

    "Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44"

    Here I thought the most valuable tool against any demons is the Slayer, one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number.

  23. TootsStansbury

    I don't want to think about what an omnibus or a metrobus would do. I won't mention the minibus.

  24. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    From the comments:

    "The mating of the sons of God (generally understood as angels) with human females was a one time occurrence that brought about catastrophic judgment upon the earth. 2 Peter 1:4-5 and Jude 6 shows that these angels were confined in darkness, being bound for the day of judgment. These is no indication that it has been happening since them and the gravity of the judgment suggests that it was a unique event like the flood, its punishment (and not a current occurrence) and that the demons that are still free did not cross that line or they to would be bound."

    Reading this is JUST LIKE reading a bunch of sci-fi nerds arguing about whether the hobbits should use light sabers or how many dragons are in Dune, or whatever.

  25. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance, Adams says"

    They're talking about femine hygeine here, right? See, this bible stuff isn't that hard.

  26. Shellwith2Ls

    If the demon looks like Michael Fassbender in Hex, I'm all for this. Actually, if it looks like Michael Fassbender in anything I'm for it.

  27. not that Dewey

    Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

    1. BadKitty904

      I thought that, during the rectification of the Vuldrini, the Traveler came as a large and moving Torg?

  28. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, since God means for women to get rape, does he also mean for them to get demon raped? In which case, as it is all part of God's plan, what is the problem with a little demon rape?

  29. SorosBot

    You know, the way these Christianists describe the "sexual demons" it almost sounds like they're talking about having normal healthy sex drive, which they pretend is somehow wrong, creating pathology in their believers and driving them to accept "therapy" that is pretty much brainwashing and rather abusive and sickening. Almost.

  30. Defeatably_Joe

    If that doesn’t work, try activating your Pikachu (assuming you have enough Electric energy cards). Tarasque is especially vulnerable to Thunderbolt, whch can cause 30 to 70 damage.

    Lies! The Tarasque is actually very well-equipped to handle Thunderbolt; while it doesn't have a direct energy resistance, it does have spell resistance 32 and a reflective carapace that redirects 30% of incoming spell effects back at the caster before resistance is applied.

  31. James Michael Curley

    " So apparently the reason this demon-rape epidemic has gone under reported is that no one was asking the experts." Or, complaining.

  32. Defeatably_Joe

    To be fair, while they don't show up in the Official Rulebook, they almost certainly existed in King James's homebrew setting, since he personally presided over trials of witches for consorting with the sex demons in question, and put more than a couple to death.

  33. DahBoner

    UNIX is the only thing Christians should worry about!

    In UNIX, it's perfectly acceptable for daemons to talk to children through pipes….

  34. LibertyLover

    Yeah, it's all well and good and everyone is having a good time and then the demon melts off your face.

  35. Jus_Wonderin

    Incubus. Succubus. All I need to know is can I afford the monthly note and what is the fuckin' MPG?

  36. bobbert

    My worst nightmare is when my dreams are invaded by a blue / corny comedian with a big nose. You know, an inka-dinkubus.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      I once dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up, my pillow was gone. True story

  37. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    I think she's talking about masturbation. Did I get that right? She's talking about masturbation? What do I win?

  38. ffredpalakon

    You know, Ms. Contessa Adams, I find the whole "asking for it" idea as contemptible as any sane person out there – but when you have a name that gets rejected by Tim Burton as "too gothic", you're pretty much asking for demonic intruders. Your only hope is that these satanic meddlers get distracted by your potential neighbor, Percy Barchester Stoker.

  39. ttommyunger

    "Anybody that has been attacked by them will tell you … they’re worried [that] they could not find that pleasure with mortal people,…” – Mortal Republican people to be sure.

  40. GeneralLerong

    But…but…doesn't Matthew continue the story with an invasion of seven more demons?

    "Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation."

    Something to look forward to, I guess.

  41. Negropolis

    I completely and utterly appreciate the Pokemon reference. lol But, Tarasque appears to be a ground-type Pokemon, so only an inexperienced trainer would use an electric attack.

  42. redarmyzombie

    Dok, I don't have a Pikachu. Will my Gengar do the trick instead, or can I go with any Electric type?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I actually had "or any electric type" in the parentheses, then swapped in the stuff about energy cards. Kid Zoom, who had all that stuff memorized when he was like 6, said that was dumb, because no electric attacks require additional cards. That's not how I remembered it.

  43. Defeatably_Joe

    Adams believes the most valuable tool against these sexual demons is based on Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order. People must have their houses in order so that a demon can no longer gain entrance,

    I assume this refers specifically to tidying up "down there", to keep the demons out, and as such, I heartily agree with this tactic.

Comments are closed.