class-war trump-style

Trump’s Vegas Restaurant Gains Popularity Among Bacterial Culture Community

i'm a fancy boyIt’s been roughly twenty minutes since our boy Donald Q. Worthington Trump has been in the news, so here’s some background in case you’re unfamiliar with the underreported saga of everyone’s favorite honey-tinted quaff:

The Donald is a massively successful businessman who owns pretty much everything you could imagine owning. Trump is also a popular dissident against a government so radically Socialist it prevents people from being free and owning things. He mastered the art of smelling Kenyans in the late ’90s atop a mountain in Nepal, huddled around a stack of King magazines while sniffing sample patches of sandalwood cologne. Since then he’s achieved enlightenment, reaching the level of MASTER BIRTHER. And he would have been President too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their stupid dog.

So what’s The Donald up to now? Sticking it to the LIBRIL FASCISTS by ignoring those pesky and oppressive laws that require restaurants to serve people safe food, that’s what! Sure, the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas had its steakhouse shut down temporarily after logging 51 health code violations during a regular inspection, but can you prove they weren’t planted by the Obama cartel? Besides, we’re positive it’s still the best place on The Strip to mumble about government takeovers with a mouth full of moldy yogurt. Five stars for that, right?

While ready-to-eat food can be stored for up to seven days, inspectors at DJT reported finding the old caviar and yogurt, duck that dated back to June, veal stock and tomato sauce that was almost two weeks old, and expired peanut dressing and black bean chili.

Inspectors found no measures to destroy parasites in undercooked halibut and salmon, and noted that raw tuna was being improperly thawed. Icicles were found in a faulty freezer.

NOT THE CAVIAR! Why is Donald Trump class-warring like that??!?1!

Maybe the food could be a little more, well, fresh, but these issues wouldn’t exist if ObamaCare hadn’t violently murdered half the restaurant’s staff in their sleep. Why, before ObamaCare you could hire twenty people just to check expiration dates in your restaurant – that shit is hard, and without dedicated staff to give labels a cursory glance and throw out outdated material, we’ll likely all be stuffing our faces with expired meat and tainted dairy any day now. No restaurant is safe –- if a TRUMP establishment isn’t immune, you have to expect a thousand years of Obamacare darkness at your local Denny’s and Applebee’s to begin at any moment.

Luckily, the restaurant was able to restore its “A” grade and resume operation within a few hours, so Trump can continue to focus on the Kenyan spotting and calculated pouting that will pave the way for his White House run in 20LOL.


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    1. sullivanst

      The Times review of Fieri's venture will probably drive more customers there to see if it really is that bad (it probably isn't) than an enthusiastic endorsement would have.

      Weeks old veal stock, on the other hand, is not much of a draw.

    2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Every fat midwestern tourist in manhattan will go there just to get back at the elitist liberal media. And they will think its the best meal they've ever had because they don't know any better.

      1. glamourdammerung

        Every fat midwestern tourist in manhattan will go there just to get back at the elitist liberal media. And they will think its the best meal they've ever had because they don't know any better.

        Why do you hate diarhe…er, Freedom Squirts?

    1. coolhandnuke

      Piss colored cotton candy, named after Trump's coif, is a kids menu favorite at his Vegas restaurant.

  1. HRH_Maddie

    You probably deserve food poisoning from eating rancid beans if you spend money in a Trump establishment.

    1. T3rbo

      Not only do you deserve it, poor people CANNOT GET the type of food poisoning that you can. Think about the food poisoning that someone like mitt romney could get-rancid unicorn meat, white tiger soup that is 14 days old….

      1. HRH_Maddie

        It's true. I'm sure if Romney even drank milk that was on-the-turn he'd end up in the hospital. Weak stomach and such.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I don't know about deserving food poisoning, but if

      a) you ever catch me in Las Vegas


      b) I'm within a 1000-ft radius of Yoghurt

      please shoot me.

      1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        "Fuck off will you please, yeah?" At least he was polite about it. I mean, he did say "please."

  2. T3rbo

    I only went to Vegas once, and it seemed like a big horrible shopping mall where you can waste money on gambling and whores and be a big dumb fat ugly american. Is the Trump Hotel and Bacteria Farm a part of something like this? Do they let you actually piss on homeless people there in the restaurant while eating your old expired elitist nouveau rich person food? Hopefully so

    1. MissTaken

      Notice the complete lack of the word 'casino' in Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas. Trump can't even open a casino in Vegas. Not sure about the whores, but you can't even waste money on gambling at his big horrible shopping mall. What an idiot.

          1. Chichikovovich

            What was it Dorothy Parker said about prostitutes and bacteria?
            "You can lead a horticulture…."

        1. Crank_Tango

          turdblossom is the ultimate GFE–he will tell you anything you want to hear, for a price…oh yeah, sure we're gonna win Ohio, lemme get the Fix in… oh yeah…

    2. Callyson

      it seemed like a big horrible shopping mall where you can waste money on gambling and whores and be a big dumb fat ugly american.

      In other words, it's just like Wall Street.

      1. SorosBot

        I read a book (and saw a movie based on it) about Las Vegas once, and apparently it's full of fat ugly Americans who morph into lizard people if you stare at them too long.

    3. FeloniousMonk

      The first time I lose I drink whiskey, second time I lose I drink gin. Third time I lose I eat tainted caviar, 'cause I know I'm goin' to win. Good place for a $1000 wedding, though.

    4. SoBeach

      it seemed like a big horrible shopping mall where you can waste money on gambling and whores and be a big dumb fat ugly american.

      I've got a crush now.

    5. IceCreamEmpress

      You haven't been to Las Vegas recently, then, because it is wall to wall Chinese tourists. It's kind of lovely, really, to see Chinese tourists bellowing slowly and patiently in Chinese at people who only speak English or Spanish or Kreyol.

      I'm kind of digging the twilight of the Amurrican century. Fortunately I'll probably be dead before we get to the Spain phase of the lost empire cycle.

      1. T3rbo

        The only time I was in Vegas was to escort some Chinese business-persons around for the SEMA show. The big cheese got a gucci wallet and said "Oh, yes." A million times to the help, and we ate at Denny's every day. I assumed that the gentlemen would want to go to the strip clubs, but fortunately, the most fluent of them told me he didn't like to ride the bus, he liked having his own personal car (his words). Ironically, I put that one on a Greyhound bus to California to visit relatives-ever seen the greyhound station in Vegas? It looks like a mad max movie.

    1. Defeatably_Joe

      The gov'mint is going to come for all of his gold, because instead of keeping his Ameros in commemorative Goldline medallions, he instead decided to store it in giant letters that spell out his name, which he fashioned to the sides of all of his buildings.

      Such a classic money-management mistake!

        1. Defeatably_Joe

          You can never have too many spotlights! Have enough of them, and they practically earn back the money you spend on them!

          Only, make sure to use actual halogen bulbs that get so hot you could double as a stove for your rancid food, and none of those namby-pamby CFL bulbs: Real Americans can tell the difference.

          1. BoatOfVelociraptors

            Screw that noise. Give me LEDs and lasers. Perhaps even an arc lamp. Filaments are for pussies!

      1. Jukesgrrl

        The current Eastern European Hawt Wife is earning her keep.She's hawking a line of faux-expensive watches on one of the home shopping networks.You, too, can look like someone with an account in the Cayman Islands.

  3. OkieDokieDog

    I'm surprised that The Donald didn't give that old caviar to the poors. I'm sure he could have gotten a huge tax deduction.

    1. Gayer_Than_Thou

      I'm sure expired caviar was part of the $5 million that Trump was going to donate to charity in exchange for Obama's elementary school report cards, or whatever it was. No wonder he was in such a hurry to get the deal done! He had a walk-in fridge full of caviar past the sell-by date that he needed to unload.

  4. boskolives

    In closing, my final argument for retroactive abortions is, was, and always will be Mr. Donald Trump. Thank you. Please tip over the waiter on your way out. I'll be here until I can retire or die, which ever comes first.

  5. Grokenstein

    "Luckily, the restaurant was able to restore its 'A' grade and resume operation within a few hours…"


    1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Yeah, shouldn't they be on some sort of probation for a while? Maybe they could make sure they keep things clean for at least a week or something.

    2. Callyson

      Seriously–there was a place here that lost its 'A' grade, and it was shut for a week.

      (throwing up in my mouth a little…)

  6. SuspectedDemocrat

    That would explain Trump's updated menu:

    "Thanks to Obamacare, I have nothing but rancid food to feed my customers. Please deduct the cost of food poisoning from your server's tip."

    1. AngryBlakGuy

      …one time I walked into a gas station restroom and saw shyt on the ceiling, now I know what happened!

  7. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Trump's reaction: "I'd like to congratulate the Southern Nevada Health District on having the brains to visit such a classy restaurant as the DJT. They are very lucky to have visited my classy place and I know how proud they are to have been here. They will never forget the experience as long as they live because of all the class."

        1. Gayer_Than_Thou

          Technically, I think the candidates for president and vice president have to be two different people.

  8. e_z

    If those commie unions had not shut down the Twinkie factory the Don could have his Mezicans rip open a few packs, wipe the place down and zip zap through the magic of Twinkie preservatives everything would be jake again.

    1. finallyhappy

      Yahoo says Hostess is negotiating- maybe if the employees work for a box of twinkies or something

    2. PopeEdgardo

      Absolutely. Biblical science has shown that Twinkies have a way of shutting that whole bacteria thing down.

  9. Joshua Norton

    Luckily, the restaurant was able to restore its “A” grade and resume operation within a few hours

    They just wiped down the microwave and changed the name to "Olive Garden".

  10. Mojopo

    Imagine the tourists from Oklahoma, wearing their ankle socks and fanny packs, when the inspectors shut it down mid-meal.

  11. Defeatably_Joe

    I'm not surprised; Trump was already an anti-vaxer, and with the right-wing's war on climate science, evolution and geology, it kinda makes sense that the next thing they'd go after would be the Germ Theory of Disease (it's JUST A THEORY!!!1)

    1. sullivanst

      He's just doing his anti-vaxer part, exposing any kids in his restaurant to diseases so they can build up antibodies without needing to be vaccinated. It's just a profiteering version of a measles party.

      1. actor212

        Which is really weird because, well, I've met Trump. He refuses to shake hands with anyone and has a flunky carry around a bottle of hand-santizer at all times. Whenever he touches anything, he wipes his hands down.

        One of the most bizarre things I've ever seen. Also, he never drinks, and I almost told my boss to never trust anyone who doesn't even toast with a glass of wine until I remembered he doesn't drink either.

        Something about NY real estate does that. Neither Helmsley drank, either, if I recall.

      1. emmelemm

        Uh, actually wasn't the part in the Bible about not eating shellfish (yes I know caviar are not shellfish) really a health proscription?

        1. MissTaken

          What are you, a MUSLIN KENYAN?! Trump is CLASSY and so is his rancid CAVIAR!1!

          But yes, health concerns due to lack of refrigeration were the real reason behind no shellfish.

      2. SorosBot

        Rancid caviar makes you sick because it's unclean, NOT because of any so-called germs! Really, we're supposed to believe there are tiny living things when they're so small we can't even see them? Stupid scientists think we're so foolish to believe something exists when they've never seen them with their naked eye! No it's because of the anger of god and the angels!

      3. Defeatably_Joe

        Or perhaps
        Or maybe it's

        Remember, I'm not a physician, man, and I can tell you what Aristotle said, and I can tell you what books on Dianetics say, but that's really a debate for philosophers to have. And whether disease is caused by demonic possession, or by misaligned humors, or a dysfunctional body thetan, we'll never know; it's one of the great mysteries.

  12. JimmyPete

    Trump is a rent a name, like Twinkies, and about as nourishing. Anyone who get's taken in by Trump's name on cheaply built overpriced condo's, bad ties made by slaves, roach infested casinos and now unsanitary steak houses, deserve what they get.

  13. Callyson

    Inspectors found no measures to destroy parasites

    Well, of course not–The Donald isn't suicidal, you know.

    1. tessiee

      Yeah, but if you look under a microscope, the little e coli are wearing tiny top hats and monocles, and their flagella have one pinky up.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It is all starting to make sense. A strange species of space bacteria descends upon the Earth. For millions of years, it lies dormant, waiting for the right host to come along. Then, one day, it finds a host with so little brain matter, it can fill his entire head. The bacteria takes off in its new habitat, living so well that it starts to send tendrils through the skull, looking for more empty heads to grow in….,

    But, that is too slow. How can it spread itself quicker? Use the host to open up a bad restaurant where foolish people will eat whatever you put out in front of them, just because the host has been on television. As long as the living conditions in the kitchen are kept just right, nothing can stop it.

    If you can find a better explanation of Trump or Guy Fieri, I would like to hear it.

      1. viennawoods13

        I still remember leaving the movie theatre and going across the road to the shopping mall, and looking around at the all the pod people.

    1. PopeEdgardo

      Applying Occam's hair-clippers, I'd say in-breeding is a likelier explanation. But hey, man, I'm not a scientist.

  15. cousinitt

    Garçon! Yes, I'll start with the oysters rockefeller et staph, followed by the salad coli niçoise, a bottle of your '03 Chateau Latour Martillac Bordeaux, and for the main course, your trumproast à la donalde, well-done, and for dessert, the listeria-infused cheescake, with the salmonella topping.

    1. Sparky

      Can I interest Monsieur in an after dinner mint?
      Fuck off, I'm full.
      But Monsieur, it 's just a wafer thin mint…

  16. Antispandex

    I thought the old saying was, "You get what you pay for". Donny, apparently, hasn't that opinion when it comes to cuisine. Or, he just like his caviar and duck…aged?

  17. ChickTract_Fil_A

    Trump now has 2 regulators he's gonna close down on Day One of his presidency: 1.) That pesky Nevada Gaming Commission for snooping around the crap tables, and 2.) That pesky Nevada Health Commission for snooping around the tables of crap.

  18. Troglodeity

    Love the Scooby Doo reference. Appropriate, too, since Trump's establishments serve glorified dog food.

  19. snowpointsecret

    Is this even a question? Of course I'd go to Guy Fieri's place before Donald Trump's. Just think about it. It's Donald Trump. You get your steak with a side of wingnuts, and those don't exactly go through the system very well.

  20. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Trump should get into a business that better suits him like trash hauling, professional clown or village idiot.

    1. AznMom420

      Wouldn't it be awkward when he's too lazy to haul himself to the dump and just ends up in his neighbor's pool?

  21. Beowoof

    This is the secret Trump bankrupt a casino business plan. How can you expect those outside of his rarefied position to understand it.

    1. tessiee

      "How can you expect those outside of his rarefied position to understand it."

      I don't even understand how you can post a comment with the c-word in it without incurring the wrath of the banhammer, much less rarefied stuff.

  22. ChickTract_Fil_A

    I live down on the poor side of The Strip (i.e. anywhere in Vegas but The Strip). Trump Tower is one God-fugly, 80's-looking P.O.S. with all the gold-plating and cheesiness you'd expect. Why am I not surprised by all of this?

    1. Negropolis

      I don't know. The west, northwest and southwest sides are pretty nice. You go anywhere north or east of the Strip and it goes from "shitty" all the way up to "decent".

      1. Beowoof

        I didn't get any messages telling me I am in moderation. Although, occasionally I have been known to push the envelope until it breaks into confetti.

  23. Sparky

    Why is my comment being deleted by the administrator????? While I had no profanity ( when did that ever matter), I didn't know that homeopathy & medical humor was verboten.
    Can someone help?

  24. Veritas78

    Is there a PeopleOfTrumpRestaurants website? I would love to see who's ordering caviar there. (Apparently, not very often.)

  25. poorgradstudent

    Sounds like the type of place Libertarians should be required to eat at! It's the restaurant equivalent of Somalia.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Sounds like the type of place Libertarians should be required to eat at! It's the restaurant equivalent of Somalia.

      I annoyed one a few years back with my suggestion of the "It's Probably ____" line of fine pharmaceutical products. "It's Probably Your Heart Pills", etc.

    1. DemmeFatale

      I love the pretentious douche that wrote the first review, for example:
      "Don't get me started on tipping which is just a way to degrade the working class to the status of plebs but I digress."

  26. FeloniousMonk

    Junior, your proofreader just called. She wants to know if "quaff" should have been "quiff" or "queef". She says either would work.

  27. Dashboard Buddha

    It was my brief stint working in a kitchen many years ago that taught me how to turn down the gain on my personal cleanliness anxieties.

  28. Sparky

    So it's a simple medical term that's getting me deleted by the admin. Tisk, tisk.


    In Donald's defense, the caviar & yogurt melange was a simple h-o-m-e-o-p-a-t-h-i-c cure for his m-o-o-b i-n-t-e-r-t-r-i-g-o.

    Add that to your automated dictionary, administrators.

  29. MosesInvests

    Completely OT-as of today, I'm single for the first time in 18 years. Not sure if I'm happy, sad or indifferent. On that note, where the hell are the Wonkette Personals?

    1. emmelemm

      You're probably a little of all three at once. Hang in there.

      {obligatory picture of kitten hanging on a tree branch}

    2. tessiee

      Dude(ette), I feel your pain.
      Went right from a boyfriend to a husband, then to being single for the first time since I was 20. The first night alone in the new apartment was… a bit challenging.
      Also, there's nothing quite like competing with folks half your age for dates as well as jobs.
      Luckily for me, I like to read, so an evening spent with a good book (or even a halfway decent one) is better than an evening spent with company that makes you wish for a cyanide pill; one of many advantages to being a nerd.
      Try to think of it as an adventure.

      1. boskolives

        As you get older, you begin each day by thinking "Ah, the adventure begins", then you do a mental checklist / inventory before getting out of bed to find what parts are not going to work very well or will hurt when you start to move them.
        Still, considering the alternative, every day above ground is a good day.

    3. LibertyLover

      In most things, taking it one day at a time seems to work the best. If you are a female, the Ben and Jerry's and chocolate only goes so far. Seek out the things that give you pleasure or used to give you pleasure but you forgot. Slowly rebuild. Peace be with you on your journey.

  30. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    The small government wingnutz won't be satisfied until we are all projectile vomiting and shedding our rotten intestinal lining every time we eat.

    I'm eating a salad right now. Hope I don't die.

  31. tessiee

    If that ol' boy had axed Memaw, she'd'a done tole him the onliest time to eat deer is durin' deer season. Do NOT eat the deer you done hit with your truck; even iffen it looks OK, it ain't.

    1. IceCreamEmpress

      Fat, drunk, and stupid is a hell of a way to go through life. She'd been staving off the trifecta until now!

  32. Negropolis

    Hmmm And here I was thinking that Donald Trump was a virus.

    BTW, Vegas food inspectors do not play. You have that many buffets in a city, and you sure as hell don't want the bad press of a mass poisoning in your hotel-casino.

  33. Negropolis

    If the health violations are legitimate, the health inspectors have a way of shutting the whole thing down.

  34. Negropolis

    Totally OT, but Michigan is getting gay married, y'all! Bring the Faygo and Better Maid. In MSU's annual State of the State Poll, same-sex marriage is now supported by 56% of voters and opposed by 39%.

    1. boskolives

      It's Vernors or Die, dammit. Well, o.k., maybe Old Fashioned Root Beer if you can sing "♪ Which way did he go, which way did he go ♪ …", or Rock & Rye if you're desperate….

      1. Negropolis

        Like hell we are. We're getting married to Ontario, since Canada is America's gay brother, after all.

  35. Negropolis

    OT: Why is Soledad O'Brien interviewing Jeb Bush, Jr? And why did Jeb the Lesser just describe America's X factor as "America's secret sauce?" Bless their hearts. The Bush family is like a science experiment gone horribly wrong.

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