pantheon of fallen heroes

Allen West Insists It’s Not Over, While Singing Fat Lady Tramples All Over Him (With Votes)

How Can We Miss You If You Won't Go Away?At long last, we just might maybe have a possibly-final result for the race for Florida’s 18th U.S. Congressional District. We think. As you may be aware, Florida does not have the most competent election system in the Union, which has led to a wee bit of uncertainty about whether wingnut torture-lover and Muslin-disliker Allen West has conclusively lost or not. See, the first vote count showed he was behind, but not enough for an automatic recount, so when West insisted on a recount, a judge said No Way, but then the St. Lucie County elections board said, OK, sure, we’ll recount… And then they failed to finish that recount in time for it to affect the election one way or the other, but maybe that makes no difference since the recount actually increased the lead for West’s opponent, Congressman-elect (probably) Patrick Murphy. As the New York Times essplains,

Regardless, under Florida law, previously submitted results favoring Mr. Murphy will be certified unless an emergency exemption is granted by the state.

So maybe this particular long national nightmare is over (?)

Yeah, right. Mr. West has been quite clear that he will not concede until all the votes have been counted, a position which, considering that this is Florida-for-fuck’s-sake, and constantly-shitting-the-electoral-bed St. Lucie County at that, we should probably have more sympathy for, except that this time around there’s no butterfly ballots or Katherine Harris mucking up the situation. Also, West appears to have lost by a far more conclusive total than the disputed vote count in Bush v. Gore, so there’s that. Nevertheless, as long as there’s the slightest chance that a recount may result in a different result, West will battle on.

Because Allen West is a warrior. He is a mighty Spartan. And after he came back, as mighty Spartans do, carried on his shield, he did what any defeated Spartan would do: he whined about it for two weeks and called his lawyer.

Also, too, a bit of campigning that we had somehow missed: As we all know, Mr. West, who is tired of black politicians who are stuck on the Democrat Plantation and playing the race card all the time, really is committed to raising the level of political discourse, and here’s proof: A yard sign decrying Patrick Murphy’s racist attacks on West [citation needed] with Murphy’s mug shot from a 2003 drunk & disorderly arrest…when Murphy was 19…and for which the charges were ultimately dropped:

Improving The Tone of Our Public Discourse

Oh, Allen West. We wish we could quit you.

But yeah, maybe we can give it a try.

[NYT / Palm Beach Post / Slate]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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154 comments

    1. CthuNHu

      +3 points for that post from this user
      -6 points for not posting it in brogue

      DrunkIrishman, I am disappoint.

  1. actor212

    Regardless, under Florida law, previously submitted results favoring Mr. Murphy will be certified unless an emergency exemption is granted by the state.

    Your Honor, my dog ate the recount.

    1. Antispandex

      I guess he could just refuse to give up the seat. I mean, just sit there like, "What you gonna do about it asshole? If I just sit here, you got no seat!". But that would probably not work either. Ah shit, who cares anyway? He hasn't done anything since Batman.

    1. HRH_Maddie

      Point well taken. But I'll gladly pay to watch West lose a recount he was constantly behind in. It's all over but the crying…which I hope is captured on video.

      1. starfanglednut

        One would think that a politician who loses by too significant a percentage to qualify for a recount would think to himself, with the humility befitting a servant of the people, "well, I guess the people don't like my message. I'll either rethink it, and run again, or accept the situation like a man and not a whiny little rodent."

        But one would be wrong.

    2. malsperanza

      Peace of mind
      Sleep
      Gray hairs
      Sanity
      Faith in the system
      Patience
      …oh, you mean money? Yeah, probably around $200,000, I'd guess.

      1. HistoriCat

        (this is where one would post a joke about "twue" or maybe "not twue" but apparently we've been overplaying the Blazing Saddles references)

  2. KathrynSane

    Hm, for some reason I'm starting to think that there may be a problem with the US elections system. Has anyone ever considered looking into that?

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        The female figure known as the "Venus Of Votingfraud" can be found throughout Internet records in the November 2000 period of American history. Although scholars cannot be exactly sure of the meaning of the curvaceous totem, she is thought to herald the dawning of a new age via the trimming of Bush.

      2. Jukesgrrl

        After being abandoned by Jeb Bush, Karl Rove, and others, the other BadKitty spent the middle part of the previous decade fighting allegations of campaign financial improprieties that had her investigated by the FBI and Justice. But don't despair. She enjoys life on a sumptuous Saratoga estate paid for by Daddy's wealth and her Swedish business executive husband. She is active in the Florida evangelical movement, it goes without saying.

  3. Loch_Nessosaur

    Allen West is using the old political tactic of adverse possession (squatter's rights) to claim his congressional seat.

  4. sullivanst

    Allen West will not go gentle into that good night
    Wingnuts will burn and rave at close of day
    He'll rage against the dying of the light.

    1. malsperanza

      Ah, you left out the most apt bit!

      Though Allen at his end knows dark is right,
      And though his words have screwed the poochie, he
      Does not go gentle into that good night.

      Wild man, who tried to claim that black is white,
      And learned, too late, sane folks don't think that way,
      Please, get the fuck out into that good night.

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      If it showed West lurking in the bushes in a hoodie and then springing out to stab white women, he might have a beef, but this silly boxing shit? Sorry, "Brother." Racist stereotypes deployed against black Republicans in search of Democratic votes is all kinds of ass backwards, so who would do it, also?

  5. carlgt1

    At first I was mad he wouldn't give up his 15 minutes — but now the longer he "stays in the race" and cries the more laughable he & the Repukes are….

  6. SayItWithWookies

    I remember the group asking for a full recount in Florida a while back being called something — let's see, what was it? Oh yeah — sore fuckin' losers. Maybe Mr. West should go back to Iraq and finish the job of securing freedom over there now that he's got some free time.

  7. SmutBoffin

    It's not enough that West should lose. Isn't there some kind of Phantom Zone we can send him to where he can never hurt anyone again?

  8. Aridzona

    No wonder West is fighting for his job. Who else is going to pay him $180k a year? Fox News? Oh, wait . . .

    1. Lot_49

      Is there even one person on Fox who's ever served in the military? Or are the wings of a chicken hawk the only rank one needs?

      1. pdiddycornchips

        Yeah, they are unlikely to hire an angry black man. I heard his wife has to continually sedate Juan Williams or he'd be out on his ear.

        1. Lot_49

          …whose full title is "convicted felon Oliver North." But yep, there he is. Geraldo's a veteran/war hero in his own mind, as well.

        2. pdiddycornchips

          They occasionally talk to Ralph Peters but usually via remote. They don't actually let him in the building.

  9. snowpointsecret

    When he finally runs out of options, a downtrodden Allen West will drag himself into the nearest Chick-Fil-A, tears in his eyes as he eats his hate-fried chicken sandwich, wondering what could have been if only a few more people were dumb enough to eat there with him…

  10. Oblios_Cap

    he did what any defeated Spartan would do: he whined about it for two weeks and called his lawyer.

    That's some mighty fine writing there!

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Nah, everybody's always ripping off stuff from everybody else in there.

          It's an All-Gankin' Round Table.

          1. Defeatably_Joe

            Godless Socialist Writing Collective was actually one of the most popular of intro-level creative writing seminars at Atheist Liberal College. The instead of a professor, everyone took turns grading each others' work, most of which was sadly still little more than Marx/Darwin slash fanfiction.

          2. FeloniousMonk

            Thank whatever gods you believe in that you weren't a math graduate student subjected to the Moore method. The professor sits and smiles beatifically while the students, forbidden to read any of the literature, instruct one another. One story has it that a student, after four years of this, triumphantly discovered something that was a great advance when Poincaré came up with it in 1895. Probably apocryphal, but having suffered through one course taught this way I'm prepared to credit it. Turned me right off student-centred learning.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Go tell the SCOTUS, stranger passing by,
      That here, not bound by their decisions, we lie.

      And lie, and lie some more….

  11. gullywompr

    This week will go down in history for the death of two things: Allen West and teh Twinkie.

    That's two things, right?

        1. BadKitty904

          Miss Lindsey may have qualified as a "twink" in the old days, at Tara, but that was a looooooooooooooong time ago.

        1. SayItWithWookies

          I guess The LORD was pissed off about Rev. Falwell's eating of seafood and wearing cotton and polyester together and lifted His veil of protection. You'd think the dumbass woulda seen that coming.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    You know it's a sad day in Florida when fraud-savvy Governor Rick Scott can't even fix an election. Oh, of course Scott got busted for fraud, so I guess he's proven himself inept already.

  13. Callyson

    “At this time, in our view, the race is still undecided,” said the West campaign manager, Tim Edson.

    Au contraire–the race for Craziest Wingnut 2012 was a clear victory for Allen West…

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      When all the Bananas in their republic(an party), didn't amount to the hill of beans they were expecting…

      1. MaxNeanderthal

        Like Terry Pratchet's trolls, who count:-
        "One, two, three, many.
        Many one, many two, many three,
        Lots"
        "lots many one, lots many two"…

  14. Callyson

    “…Mr. West lost this race. He’s put on no evidence that anything they’ve asked for would ever change that irrefutable outcome that Patrick Murphy is now the representative of the 18th Congressional District.”

    We won't let the fact checkers dictate this vote count.

  15. fitley

    So what you're saying is, there is no special clause for mentally challenged politicians to demand a recount if they are hallucinating their erroneous likely victory? What's up with that?

  16. Guppy

    Dok, Dok, Dok…

    Brony photomemes are your thing, and the unfunny pages are jfruh's thing.

    Stop fucking with the natural order of things. We fear change.

  17. Lascauxcaveman

    Hey, how about a little love for the Pacific Northwest's own little piece of Florida, Clark County, WA

    We still got a couple races that will probably be decided by a batch of ballots they found, like, yesterday.

  18. skmind

    "Vote NO on Patrick Murphy" says that yard sign.

    I did not realize that Patrick Murphy was a ballot measure.

    Note that the yard sign does not show his party affiliation. Wonder if people-still-confused-by-the-butterfly-ballot looked up Allen West's skin color, voted for the white guy, and that has lead to this violation of West's recount rights.

    Like the old western that should have been made, Buchannan Strikes Again!

  19. pdiddycornchips

    Allen West is a LEADER! If he has to, he'll have his men arrest these vote counters and then fire a few shots near their heads until they give him the result he wants. Oh, you can't do that in civilian life? Oh, you can't do that in the Military either? Then….wait, what? Did I mention Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid should get out of the country? I did? Damn, I guess this really is the end.

  20. SheriffRoscoe

    We love our Democracy, we're crazy about it. We eat it's ass, okay? And then it goes and farts in our faces. Democracy is a bitch, is what I'm trying to say.

  21. Come here a minute

    Another case of incompetent Democratic politicians. Can you imagine a Republican making a claim of "youthful indiscretions" for something that happened when he was actually youthful?

  22. Defeatably_Joe

    A yard sign decrying Patrick Murphy’s racist attacks on West [citation needed] with Murphy’s mug shot from a 2003 drunk & disorderly arrest…when Murphy was 19…and for which the charges were ultimately dropped:

    So, this would have been a year and change before Allen West tortured a man (and ordered soldiers under his command to also torture him) and eventually resigned his commission to avoid a court martial and probable dishonorable discharge?

    But yeah, Patrick Murphy was once a drunk college kid, talk about unelectable!

  23. usuhname

    Are we sure this isn't actually a post-coital picture of Patrick Murphy? IS the real story here that Allen West / his campaign manager made a pass at Murphy?!?!

  24. kingcocrazy

    The only thing left for Mr. West is to scale some tall structure with an AR-15 and several bandoliers of ammunition. And he just crazy enough (OK, WAY more than just crazy enough) to do it.

  25. Not_So_Much

    It ain't over until Allen West says it's over and demands his wife to submit to his lusts with whore-like competence!!1!! (pew! pew-pew!! pew!)

  26. Abernathy

    Florida's election officials have earned a monument dedicated to them in front of the Oklahoma state capitol.

    1. rmjagg

      how long did norm coleman drag the process out when he lost to Al Franken ? maybe west is trying to win a prize for the longest delay/ obstruction of a winning candidate …

  27. TribecaMike

    Seppuku means never having to say you're sorry, especially to innocent Iraqi's you have beaten up and threaten to kill.

  28. Steverino247

    Lest we forget, West had the largest "war chest" of any congressional candidate this cycle. That's pretty good for a freshman so somebody is serious about assholes like West being in Congress. I don't think West is the only person shouting about having machines turned back on.

  29. Troglodeity

    I fully expect that Allen West will show up for the swearing-in ceremony and proclaim that he, not this charlatan Murphy, is the once and future rightful Congressman. And no, this is not a joke.

  30. catholic4condom

    In the alternative universe in which Romney won the election of 2012, Allen West is selected to be Secretary of Defense.

  31. Negropolis

    I hope he quits, so he can go back to spending more time with the voices in his head, bless his heart,

    Yo, Imma let you finish Colonel, but Kanye was the best West evah. Bub-bye.

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