pangaea is for marxists

Marco Rubio Becomes 2016 G.O.P. Frontrunner By Being Cuban, An Idiot

I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. In case you missed it, there was an election a few weeks ago, and one of the parties was reaaaaally banking on older white men to vote for them, because that was the only group they had not condemned to hell. This party was called “Republicans,” and they did very poorly, as a great many people are not, as it turns out, older white men.

But good news! There is a young, Cuban man repping the Republican Party right now and he is celebrating Mitt Romney’s giant white-dude loss with trips to Iowa and interviews with GQ, for that is where the future of the GOP is nestled. His name is Marco Rubio, and he is a senator, and he told GQ his best friend was Jim DeMint, who is also a senator, who said a few months ago that it was crazy, just crazy, that we aren’t just teaching creationism in schools already.

And Rubio,because he must, probably, is jumping on the “let’s not be too hasty, All Of Science” bandwagon” with him. To better his chances at the White House, Rubio is distancing himself from the nation’s most controversial issue of faith: people who know what they are talking about.

Tell us, hip GQ transcriber, how does Spring Chicken Sen. Rubio feel about matters of the brain?

GQ: How old do you think the Earth is?

Marco Rubio: I’m not a scientist, man. I can tell you what recorded history says, I can tell you what the Bible says, but I think that’s a dispute amongst theologians and I think it has nothing to do with the gross domestic product or economic growth of the United States. I think the age of the universe has zero to do with how our economy is going to grow. I’m not a scientist. I don’t think I’m qualified to answer a question like that. At the end of the day, I think there are multiple theories out there on how the universe was created and I think this is a country where people should have the opportunity to teach them all. I think parents should be able to teach their kids what their faith says, what science says. Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.

Let us pause for a moment, to consider several important points here:

  • For a government at the center of what it calls “The Great Experiment,” there seem to be a lot of politicians not really into the results of experiments. We have to ask presidential hopefuls how old the planet is.
  • More distressing: The wrong answer will make you far more popular than the correct one.
  • A Republican who has gotten popular without screaming hyperbolically about abortion, Muslims, or “religious freedom” still thinks the age of the Earth is “one of the great mysteries,” as if the entire geological record was lost when Atlantis sank. This, it seems, is all we can hope for.
  • When asked a question about science, Rubio answered with “I’m not a scientist, man.” This sounds stupid, sure. But it also implies that a scientist would know the answer, which they fucking do, but Rubio still just stands, gazing in wonderment, about how we will never know, so that dumb people will vote for him.

Pencils down. The answer is 4.54 billion years. That’s the answer. Sorry religion, you failed the test. You had a few thousand years to figure out the answer, you blew it. The good news: If Professor Rubio grades the tests, everyone is right. [GQ]

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167 comments

  1. Loch_Nessosaur

    DeMint is from South Carolina. Also, Rubio is a pandering and philandering idiot and will be destroyed, with votes of course.

    1. miss_grundy

      He'll be destroyed because racists old whites are not going to vote for someone with a foreign name and the Obama Cubans are going to tell him he is an a$$hat for following a political party that hates foreigners. As a Cuban-American, I can tell you that Marco Rubio es un tremendo comemierda y merece una patada en los huevos.

      1. sullivanst

        He'll be destroyed because the entire premise on which Republicans are advancing him as the new face to save their party by giving them a facade of not being racist, is itself racist – namely, the assumption that all Latinos are a monolithic voting bloc, and therefore Cuban is the same as Mexican or Puerto Rican, and that this voting bloc makes its one decision for who everyone will vote for principally based on identity and not policy preferences.

    2. Terry

      Pushing Rubio as a candidate will highlight one of the GOP's many Hispanic issues. They just don't see Cubans the same way they view the vast majority of other Hispanic people. That can be sort of annoying to the non-Cubans.

        1. weejee

          So that means I need to change my earlier post lede to the petty, bank-fellating senator from Oklahoma Pedostan? Or am I having a senior moment and you were talking about the Rube-eee-oh?

          1. SayItWithWookies

            I would call them all pedophiles, just to be on the safe side. You wouldn't want to end up like Susan Rice and get villified by noted pedophiles John McCain and Lindsey Graham because you withheld important information before it was confirmed or released officially, would you?

    1. ottercliff

      Don't know if he is a pedophile either. But I thought having some really unusual views on rape and SexyTime was the third leg of the Trifecta?

  2. gullywompr

    "I think it has nothing to do with the gross domestic product or economic growth of the United States. I think the age of the universe has zero to do with how our economy is going to grow. "

    So, "religious beliefs are irrelevant to the functioning of government" is the new GOP platform?

    1. boskolives

      "religious beliefs are irrelevant to the functioning of government" neatly skirts around the fact that money, in addition to being people, too, my friends, is the true religion. Those who deny it blaspheme before the altar of Rove at their own risk.

    2. OneDollarJuana

      Actually, Marco, the age of the Universe and Earth have a lot to do with our economic growth. People who believe in Biblical creation tend to believe in the Apocalypse, and believe that the End is Near. Thus, they can be as wasteful and polluting as they wish, which will drive our economy in a certain direction. However, if one believes in Science, and acts to not be wasteful or polluting, it will drive our economy in a different direction.

      It's also very clear from Rubio's comments that he doesn't believe a word of that religious b.s., but will say anything to get a vote. At least. a vote from a stupid, crazy, fundamentalist.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        They also think that oil isn't the byproduct of a millions year long process of decay but "placed there by God", and therefore is not a finite resource. Which they can "prove" because oil is found in places that today wouldn't be hospitable to dinosaurs or some such bullshit. I can't recall which idiot thought he stumped Sec. Chu with that one, but the pain it caused still lingers.

        Never mind that God will save us from global warming because of Noah. Gahhhhhhh!

    3. sullivanst

      Yes Marco, whether or not you accept science as a valid means for the acquisition of knowledge has no effect whatsoever on economic growth. Run with that. Please, be my guest.

    4. bobloblawlawblg

      Apparently, science and innovations therefrom have nothing whatsoever with the marketplace either. Take that, Apple/Windows/Google/DoD/etc.

  3. skmind

    This really is a reflection on the base. That such an answer is actually intellectually satisfying.

    Think about it. Rubio knows that the answer is 4.54 billion years. Yet he hums and haws thinking that not giving the right answer will not alienate him from an ignorant base.

    He is right.

    Wait, I forgot the snark. Oh, fuck it, I tire of these charlatans being portrayed as stars.

  4. snowpointsecret

    Did he just manage to piss off both Christianists and scientists in the same sentence? Hey Rubio, stick around, you'll be perfect for 2016.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Did he just manage to piss off both Christianists and scientists in the same sentence?

      I don't know, but the Christian Scientists are just fuming.

  5. ManchuCandidate

    Can't have it both ways Marco. Can't play the "I'm no scientist" card and then turn around with the "SCIENCE HAS NO ANSWERS!!!" card.*

    *only works in Jeebus circles, but not the real world.

    BTW, let's see the long form Birf Certifikate, Marco.

  6. RedneckMuslin

    The important question isn't how old the earth is but how long do we have left?

    I need to know whether I have to go to the family's for Thanksgiving or not.

  7. Lizzietish81

    I don't know, I mean he isn't saying for sure and he hasn't yet tried to comment on the mysterious biological workings of women, so he can't be qualified for Republican Christian Science Committees.

  8. ph7

    “I’m not a scientist, man.”

    But I oppose cap and trade, CAFE standards, mandatory vaccines, and the Clean Water Act!

  9. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Hey Marco, you have four years to learn the difference between a myth and a theory. You better get started. Asshole.

  10. CarnyTrash

    Water, fire, air and dirt
    Fucking magnets, how do they work?
    And I don't wanna talk to a scientist
    Y'all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed

  11. skoalrebel

    Of course he thinks the age of the Earth is “one of the great mysteries" [spit!] I mean, how fuckin' old is dirt, anyway? But the real mystery is how he thinks he can make it in presidential politics when the Constitution says "No Niggers or Spics" [spit!] I say he's just another dark skinned grifter lookin' for a handout. [spit] Dude needs to learn a work ethic. Then he can be a winner like me. [spit]

    1. boskolives

      Another RR slate (i.e. Romney/Ryan) is all we need, unfortunately for them the upcoming Mayan driven "Rapture" will be the third R and this holy trinity will end.

  12. snowpointsecret

    I'd vote for Ricky Rubio before I vote for Marco Rubio.

    And Ricky Rubio isn't even eligible to run.

    1. boskolives

      This is the traditional 3rd question, it follows the one about the bear in the woods and the one about the pope being Catholic, and precedes the one about a pigs ass being made of pork.

  13. qwerty42

    This GD "young earth" bs isn't even the belief of all religious groups, just the especially nutty ones. But then they want to be careful or they have to accept the "biblical" value of π (3):

    …Kings 7:23 And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about.

    1. Defeatably_Joe

      It gets even better than that. If we're using the "literal biblical" interpretation (nevermind that the "literally biblical" interpretation apparently takes a reference to aurochs to mean "unicorn", and a bunch of other King James mistranslations mean that dragons were literally real as well), then the Word of GOD also refutes the model of planetary motion upon which we've based all of our successful space exploration, and in the same exact passages (about the earth not moving and whatnot), it also LITERALLY refutes plate tectonics (it's JUST A THEORY!!)

      Honestly, approximating pi as 3 is a comparatively small detail, compared to saying that dragons and unicorns are real, the moon landing was faked, and that earthquakes happen because the turtle holding up the earth is a tad ticklish. I mean, even physics professors frequently approximate g as 10m/s^2.

    2. ottercliff

      This math is getting tough. How do you convert 4.45 billion years to cubits? I have a secular calculator.

    3. IceCreamEmpress

      Well, yeah. I had assumed he was Catholic until he started giving out with this shit. The Vatican has been off the young Earth train since seven or eight Popes ago.

  14. Crank_Tango

    For fuckssake. We might not know any exact dates, but anyone with a brain can rule out 7 days, or 6 days with a union-mandated day off.

  15. Dr. Matt

    Jebus, he's ALREADY channeling the Sarah Palin wing of the GOP? Waaaaaaay too soon, bro. Pace yourself, 2016 is a long ways away.

  16. MaxUdargo

    No, science and scientific knowledge have never had anything to do with American prosperity, growth, and security; and today that's more true than ever.

    1. IceCreamEmpress

      Jeb. Drugs (daughter), stalking ragies and drinking (son), shoplifting and customs fraud (wife), aggravated smuggery in the third degree (self).

    1. miss_grundy

      There are plenty of Cuban-American males who do that and they aren't running for office. I should know, I have one in the family.

      1. ttommyunger

        I have found that their opinions are set in fucking concrete, evidence to the contrary be damned. Persians, too.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  17. MissTaken

    Rubio's Great Mysteries:

    1. Age of Earth?
    2. Does the little light stay on all the time in the refrigerator?
    3. How is it already tomorrow in Australia?
    4. How is babby formed?
    5. Internet – series of tubes or a dumptruck?
    6. Where is this thing called 'clitoris'?

      1. Lizzietish81

        I mean, scientists say its an effect of the moon's gravity and the rotation of the earth, but whose to say its not really Cthulhu snoring?

  18. PsycWench

    Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.

    No, one of the great mysteries is how so many Republicans thought Romney was certain to win. The earth's age, we got that.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Really, the self-delusion is kind of shocking. I thought the moronic facade on all those pols and pundits was for the most part, a facade. But now I think many of them sincerely believed Rmoney was going to pull it off.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Hey Rube-yo, do you think the earth was created before the sun, or that fish and birds were created before land animals, or that the moon and all the stars were created simulataneously, or that animals were created before plants? I mean, that's what it says on the first fuckin' page of Genesis, so those are probably mysteries too, right?

    1. Abernathy

      And he doesn't even believe in asking for explanations (and thereby clearing up easily resolved "mysteries"), so he can't go full Ricky anyhow.

    2. miss_grundy

      Yes, but if I'm not mistaken, reruns of "I Love Lucy" are shown all over the world and on cable, here in the USA, so I guess he thinks he can run on that residual warmth forever–or at least until the next taking of the Casa Blanca in 2016.

    3. deanbooth

      I have a friend who married a Cuban guy; they're currently both professors at an Ivy League school. She's from a small town in northwest Ohio, and she told me that when she first introduced her husband to friends and relatives back home, there were many references made to Ricky Ricardo.

  20. Goonemeritus

    If you consider a rounding error of 10’s of millions of years inadequate I suppose you can make a pretty good case for the age of the Earth being a mystery. One thing that isn’t a mystery is when the Republican Party started to die. I think the start of the infection can be traced back to Reagan’s “Sothern Strategy” which became a full blown virulent tumor when the Tea part took over.

  21. MadBrahms

    "I'm not a scientist, man", the distinguished senator said, taking a long drag on his marijuana cigarette. "The world's just fuckin' mysterious, isn't it? So many things that just can be, you know? Sometimes it just blows my mind."

  22. SoBeach

    Rubio thinks the country will be so gaga over his cute little face that everyone will overlook the fact that he's as extreme right wing as it gets. He's not going to be able to smile and crinkle his eyes out of the batshit positions he holds.

    1. MadBrahms

      Considering his share of the vote, I think Mitt "Spiteface" McRomney already proved that no one cares what candidates look like as long as they can put on some facsimile of a smile while saying utterly horrifying things.

  23. DahBoner

    I can tell you what the Bible says, too.

    The Bible says earth has four corners.

    That's right! The earth is flatter than Marco Polio's man boobs…

    1. Biff

      It also hints that a man's head has corners. (Leviticus 19:27) Maybe Max Headroom's head, or Ronaldus Maximus's head, but not most normal heads…

  24. editor

    well, he does address his interviewer as "man" which totally goes to show he is way in touch with, uh, the 1960s?

  25. Blueb4sinrise

    He's just reviewing the Standard Model vs. Supersymmetry debate with respect to the CERN results on the Higgs boson. He'll get back to you.

  26. Aridzona

    I'm pretty sure you need a triple digit IQ to be a scientist, but you can get by in the mid-twos as a senator. And yes, this dork will always be Ricky Ricardo to me.

  27. larrykat

    Fuck, he sounds just like Romney except for saying "man". Unless Romney has said the same thing instead like this "My good man, please bring me my Diet Pepsi jacket."

  28. docterry6973

    They GOP strategy has been to reward name-calling and ignorance by telling ignorant name-callers that they are the only True Americans. Am I the only one who thinks this might be a problem for them down the road?

  29. CommieDad

    I've said it once, I'll say it again. God created the entire world three weeks ago. When He created it, it was 4 billion and some change old. He is just that good.

  30. Mojopo

    In four years, this is going to seem laughably quaint. I'll bet the farm on it. If he wants to be the Cuban Santorum, don't stop him. Let it happen.

  31. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I think the age of the universe has zero to do with how our economy is going to grow. I’m not a scientist. I don’t think I’m qualified to answer a question like that.

    Someone is gunning for a Republican seat on the Senate Select Science Committee.

  32. BornInATrailer

    In "Marco Rubio" the candidate lacking vision calls out various pandering answers and listens to the response from the electorate as he fumblingly attempts to find the White House.

  33. Tommmcatt_Again

    I’m not a scientist, man. I can tell you what recorded history says, I can tell you what the Bible says, but I think that’s a dispute amongst theologians and I think it has nothing to do with the gross domestic product or economic growth of the United States.

    Luckily, stewardess, I speak Wingnut and Teabagalog fluently, so I can provide some insight into the above for you all. It translates directly as follows:

    . Peon! How dare you question me! The universe is 10,000 years old just like Bishop Usser said! Now go print things that make me look presidential!

    I'm trying to learn Pautardish too but the spelling is difficult to decipher.

  34. TootsStansbury

    I don't suppose the GOP is trying to establish a narrative along the lineage of "a young not white Senator generates a groundswell of enthusiasm and support among Republican Americans; reminiscent of the rise of one Ronald Reagan."

    Nah, that would be cynical.

  35. TribecaMike

    Naturally he's going to deny that he's Scientist Man. What's the use of having an alter ego — in his case mild-mannered corporate shill Marco Rubio — if everyone knows he's really Scientist Man?

    That comma is a typo, right?

  36. owhatever

    Cuban Marco Rubio = Mark Ruby. Jack Ruby killed Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated President Kennedy on orders from Fidel Castro in Cuba. Do I have to spell this out, sheeple?

  37. Yellerdawg

    Good to see the Republicans are sticking to their themes of ignorance and anger. That should make 2016 easy.

  38. BerkeleyBear

    Right now I'm supposed to be writing a paper on a book called The Capacity to Govern. It is a somewhat amazing and very disturbing proposal for fundamental world reform to meet the complex problems of the current and future. The key ideas are that world leaders need to be more moral, world-focused, and capable of deep policy reflection. I read it, I struggle with it, I want to embrace parts of it – and then I read shit like this and know that this sort of cranial rectal inversion is damn near a prerequisite to get the votes of 45 percent of this country's population. And I weep.

  39. GregComlish

    Come on Rubio! Be the Michael Steele of Hispanic Republicans!

    "I'm no a chientist, mang. Why don chu go asska chientist if all you juz wan to no about chience, mang.

  40. OurDailyBread

    FFS, your not a theologian either, man.

    Get your Creationism correct; God created the Heavens and the Earth in 6 days and on the seventh day He rested.

    I know that and I am a GodlessCommiePinko.

    1. TribecaMike

      Many fundies believe that each of those "days" lasted a thousand years. Don't ask me why, unless they're admitting god is a slacker.

      1. OurDailyBread

        I grew up amongst the fundamentalist ilk. Those that believe that the days of Creation are not literal are edgy, liberal and are viewed with suspicion. Or they may be evangelicals, which means they are edgy, liberal and are viewed with suspicion.

  41. James Michael Curley

    It is incorrect to assume that the universe has lasted longer than effects of a sustained release Xanax.

  42. christianmuslin

    The new brown in town in the case of Florida is Puerto Rican not Cuban. Rubin is not a political scientist either. The Puero Ricans want to join the U.S. not have us overthrow their government. And, the party platforms, not the skin color, just might have something to do with their vote preference. Douche nozzle.

  43. SorosBot

    "but I think that’s a dispute amongst theologians"

    What does that have to do with anything? Theologians are completely useless and know nothing about anything.

    ", I think there are multiple theories out there on how the universe was created"

    No there aren't, there is one. There used to be multiple theories, but the discovery of the cosmic microwave background radiation settled things in favor of the Big Bang model.

    "I think parents should be able to teach their kids what their faith says, what science says."

    That's idiotic. What faith says is not true; what science says is real. Why do you want people to be able to teach flat-out lies to children?

    "Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries."

    We have answered that, a long time ago. It's not a mystery at all. It's settled.

  44. Defeatably_Joe

    GQ: How old do you think the Earth is?

    Marco Rubio: I’m not a scientist, man. I can tell you what recorded history says, I can tell you what the Bible says, but I think that’s a dispute amongst theologians [...]I think there are multiple theories out there on how the universe was created and I think this is a country where people should have the opportunity to teach them all. I think parents should be able to teach their kids what their faith says, what science says. Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.

    I really do sense a meme in the making here:

    "What's the weather like outside?"

    "I dunno, I'm not a meterologist, man; I can tell you what my calender says, I can tell you what the Curiosity Rover says, but I think this is a legitimate disagreement between space probes over what the weather is right now outside my apartment; there are multiple theories as to whether it's raining outside right now, and people should be able to say whatever they feel, in their faith. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to answer whether you should wear a coat today, it is one of life's great mysteries.

  45. ottercliff

    Mitt Romney didn't know how old the earth was either. But he knew when Jeebus was scheduled to come back (in Wisconsin or Michigan as I recall).

  46. valmach

    Well ..for a guy who got a teaching job at 70k a year at a local college, while simultaneously moonlighting as a state senator, never showing up for either role .. proves one thing… it's nice to be a white Cuban in the GOP

  47. Trinket

    I thought we learned a couple of weeks ago that that pandering to morons isn't the way to, you know, win national elections in the USA anymore.

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