how to make it in america

Paula Broadwell Was Going To Be A Senator, Because Why Not

What might have beenGood morning, Wonkette darlings! It is Monday, and you have to ask yourself: are you getting a little bored with the Petraeus scandal? We mean, sure, it’s fun thinking about the crazy grifting identical twins and hot (?) shirtless FBI guys, but the actual core of the scandal — married dude and married lady with similar interests (one of which being the married dude’s awesomeness) spend a lot of time together and end up boning — is starting to seem a little played out. What this scandal needs is a counterfactual shot in the arm, such as: what if the FBI had never found those pesky email sexts, and then, a few years from now, it came out that CIA director Petraeus was having a sex affair with North Carolina Senator Paula Broadwell? That would certainly be an exciting scandal that would rock the nation and whatever political party Broadwell belonged to for weeks, would it not?

Time Magazine (aka “the one that is still in business, barely”) has come out with a long-ish article about the Petraeus scandal, entitled “Spyfall” (aka “get it, it is like the popular James Bond movie, please continue buying our magazine”), that contains this choice nugget:

Nor was Broadwell without a larger plan. After running with Lance Armstrong [!!! –eds] in July, she volunteered her secret purpose to at least six new acquaintances at the Aspen conference. That evening, over drinks, she told a small group that she had been arguing with her mentor about the direction of her career. Republican moneymen, she said, had approached her about a Senate run in North Carolina. She was tempted. Petraeus, she said in an irritated tone, rejected the idea out of hand. What was her position, he asked, on abortion? Climate change? Gun control? Gay marriage? Tax cuts? Social Security vouchers? Her answers, he told her, would not fit either party, and she should not sell herself out.

Now, far be it for us to say how competent a senator Paula Broadwell would have been. She probably would have been super-competent, since she seems like a manically focused person! And, seen from a certain light and ignoring the rabbithole of Petraeus obsession/monomania she’d fallen down in the last few years, her resume looks pretty good — military service, intense practical and academic study of terrorism and counterterrorism, etc.

But! From as near as we can tell about her work on Petraeus, she seems to be quite the disciple of capital-L Leadership as a solution to all of our problems, an attitude she is definitely not alone in holding. What Washington needs is not specific solutions to actual problems that balance the needs of various constituencies, but Strong Leadership, which will Get Things Done. Petraeus, in this third-hand retelling, seems to have been extremely sensible, reminding his protege/sex partner that she would have to have opinions on all sorts of non-Leadership things; plus (if we are interpreting “would not fit either party” correctly), she was probably a bazillion times too liberal to win a Republican primary in North Carolina. But mainly it just seems kind of telling that someone wanted to be senator and then got mad because her mentor/love interest said “Hmm, so you want to run for political office, let’s talk about the political views you hold, shall we?” Leadership is a process! Everything else is just content.

So, too bad, no Senator Broadwell for us! Plus there’s the small factor that neither of the current North Carolina senators are up for election until 2014. (Similar scheduling problems prevent either or both of the Kelley twins for running for Florida senate until 2016.) Still, Broadwell has been received warmly by her neighbors/potential constituents in her North Carolina home town, which just reinforces the Daily Beast’s insane proclamation, based on two examples, that her neighborhood is Mistressville, U.S.A. [Time]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger
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  1. EatsBabyDingos

    She should go for Governor of Alaska, and get herself a little 20 year younger plaything so she can get into his Levy's.

  2. freakishlywrong

    It's a good thing Benghazi is all Rethugs want to talk about. It's obscuring the fact that all these awful assholes caught up in this utter nonsense are "fambly values" Republicans.

    1. BadKitty904

      As I said after Nov. 6 – these vicious, unAmerican GOP cretins are still around and they're *still* dangerous…

    2. FeloniousMonk

      Indeed. One thing missing from most accounts is any mention of how devoted Petraeus was to the "spiritual fitness" of his troops, as detailed by Chris Rodda.

  3. BadKitty904

    A caucus of courtesans. Miss Lindsay could wear her best frock!

    Broadwell'd hardly be the first political prostitute elected to Congress, though perhaps the first *female* 'un…

  4. bflrtsplk

    And here I thought the extra marital affair was at the top of every aspiring Republican senator`s resume.

    1. BadKitty904

      She got it all wrong, though, as amateurs are wont to do – she was sleeping with an adult human of the opposite gender.

      Maybe next time she'll meet GOP standards…

  5. MLHencken

    Once again a potentially decent (or at least good for a few yuk-yuks) senatorial candidate is ruined by a misplaced penis — or in this case — vagina.

    Sorry everyone.

  6. Chet Kincaid_

    My Lord, sleeping with Broadwell is probably a cross between some kind of P-90Sex and a wolverine attack. Patraeus was probably the only man outside of MMA fit enough to "sniff her flower."

    1. Barbara_

      She does strike me as the type of bitch that would totally chain you to the stove and beat you to a curtain rod if you pissed her off. I bet her Pinterest board is a very dark and whorey place. *shiver*

    2. pdiddycornchips

      Little known facts about Wolverines. They are the only large mammal not to hibernate during the winter. They will steal a kill from a full grown Grizzly bear. When they eat their prey, they consume everything including the bones and the teeth.

        1. pdiddycornchips

          Well no. They are one of the only large mammals in Alaska who don't hibernate excluding humans and aquatic mammals like whales, walruses, and the like. Whateves, they eat bones and teeth.

  7. Lot_49

    Yes yes, leadership is What We Need. There are several floors of Infantry Hall at Fort Benning devoted to teaching it to baby Army officers. Mitt Romney asserted that the mere fact of his leadership would turn the economy around. Paul Ryan was an "intellectual leader" of that collocation of great minds known as the house Republican caucus. Obama exhibited "failed leadership," because he failed to execute Phase II of the transition to Sharia Law.

    And what have the voters chosen? It is puzzling.

    Plus: Jesse Helms. Ews.

  8. Estproph

    If McCain & Brown can be senators, then I guess she can too. It doesn't mean she has to be a good one, after all.

  9. docterry6973

    First Gen. Petraeus, now Sen. Broadwell. Evil, evil sex has cost America another great leader. You won't find any of that sex stuff at MY house, nosiree.

  10. Goonemeritus

    “Her answers, he told her, would not fit either party, and she should not sell herself out”

    Inquiring minds want to know if this valuable advice on the maintenance of one’s integrity was delivered during or after the repeated violations of their oaths of matrimony.

    1. Rotundo_

      I keep hearing about how "The Gipper" wouldn't pass muster with the current crop of Republican idiots: I don't think the man possessed a single moral or ethical conviction that couldn't be turned on a dime by his handlers. Life was just a script for Ronaldus Maximus, especially after the short term memory functions petered out.

  11. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Competent, practical, and academic? She's already disqualified from being a GOP congresscritter, regardless of her positions on the issues.

  12. fawkedifiknow

    She violated the time honored sequence of events: Get yourself elected to high office, running as a "values" candidate, and THEN have your extramarital affair.

    1. docterry6973

      This is a sad situation, a tragic loss to the nation when one's personal affairs are dragged out into….wait, Broadwell is the woman? Slut.

  13. metamarcisf

    The complete transcript of Gen. Petraeus' answer to congress when asked about his involvement with Ms. Broadwell:

    "The angle of the dangle
    Times the square of the hair
    Equals the heat of the meat."

  14. Limeylizzie

    But I believe something is happening in Israel/Gaza, so let's talk about Paula Broadwell's sluttiness, and Benghazigate, because …oh fucking Lord how I hate the GOP.

  15. Chet Kincaid_

    New from the makers of "Infinity Blade" and based on the battle-tested Unreal Engine: "Punani Wars" for iOS!! Fight as any one of many Infamous Super-Powered Mistresses! Paula Broadwell, with her devastating forehead butt! Astronaut Diaper Lady with her insane stamina! Rielle the Hunter with her disabling Spells of Flattery! Argentine Lady with her Tango Death Move! Can your concubine conquer the combined commando attack of the Kelley Twins?! Notch Generals, Senators and Governors on your garter belt as you move up in Career Mode! Rated AO, obvs!!

  16. toughsister

    YAWN… Kissinger said it until the old fart was blue in the face: "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac". So Broadwell fell for it, and Petraeus was only too happy to oblige.

    Honestly, WHO GIVES A SHIT? Has national security be breached? I'll believe it when I see the Taliban landing on the beaches of New Jersey.

    1. Mahousu

      Has national security be breached?

      Oddly enough, "National Security" was Petraeus' nickname for Broadwell's vagina.

  17. Chet Kincaid_

    When Rielle and Paula hit the clubs in Dilworth looking for an eligible mark, it's like being scissored within an inch of your life by the "Night At The Roxbury" twins.

  18. MozakiBlocks

    I thought being a Senator from North Carolina required you to have an affair and get your mistress pregnant.

  19. kittensdontlie

    Was it a copycat affair, or is there something in that North Carolina mountain spring water?? You decide.

    1. smellypossum

      My thought also too when I saw that picture.

      Perhaps she learned shoe-shining from her military mentor/partner/fuckbuddy, then used her shining skills on her forehead (and maybe his knob as well).

  20. ttommyunger

    " ….what was her position, he asked, on abortion? Climate change? Gun control? Gay marriage? Tax cuts? Social Security vouchers?"….. Missionary, Doggie Style, Sixty-Nine, Sixty-Eight and I owe you One???? Inquiring Pervs want to know!

  21. DustyBowlBlues

    Leadership–A word a bunch of whiny losers like to toss around. They lost, and it's everyone and everything's fault. WaaWaaWaa. Could we just have a moratorium on the winger alt-universe so we liberals and kind of stretch out a few minutes and forget those crybaby right wingers exist? Is that too much to ask?

  22. gurukalehuru

    I heard that Ashley (the hot Judd) Judd might be fixin' to run against Turtlehead Mitch McConnell when his seat comes up in the rotation. Bet she'd whoop his ass, too.

    I heard it on facebook, which is always a reliable source.

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