HOW TO MAKE IT IN AMERICA  9:15 am November 19, 2012

Paula Broadwell Was Going To Be A Senator, Because Why Not

by Josh Fruhlinger

What might have beenGood morning, Wonkette darlings! It is Monday, and you have to ask yourself: are you getting a little bored with the Petraeus scandal? We mean, sure, it’s fun thinking about the crazy grifting identical twins and hot (?) shirtless FBI guys, but the actual core of the scandal — married dude and married lady with similar interests (one of which being the married dude’s awesomeness) spend a lot of time together and end up boning — is starting to seem a little played out. What this scandal needs is a counterfactual shot in the arm, such as: what if the FBI had never found those pesky email sexts, and then, a few years from now, it came out that CIA director Petraeus was having a sex affair with North Carolina Senator Paula Broadwell? That would certainly be an exciting scandal that would rock the nation and whatever political party Broadwell belonged to for weeks, would it not?

Time Magazine (aka “the one that is still in business, barely”) has come out with a long-ish article about the Petraeus scandal, entitled “Spyfall” (aka “get it, it is like the popular James Bond movie, please continue buying our magazine”), that contains this choice nugget:

Nor was Broadwell without a larger plan. After running with Lance Armstrong [!!! --eds] in July, she volunteered her secret purpose to at least six new acquaintances at the Aspen conference. That evening, over drinks, she told a small group that she had been arguing with her mentor about the direction of her career. Republican moneymen, she said, had approached her about a Senate run in North Carolina. She was tempted. Petraeus, she said in an irritated tone, rejected the idea out of hand. What was her position, he asked, on abortion? Climate change? Gun control? Gay marriage? Tax cuts? Social Security vouchers? Her answers, he told her, would not fit either party, and she should not sell herself out.

Now, far be it for us to say how competent a senator Paula Broadwell would have been. She probably would have been super-competent, since she seems like a manically focused person! And, seen from a certain light and ignoring the rabbithole of Petraeus obsession/monomania she’d fallen down in the last few years, her resume looks pretty good — military service, intense practical and academic study of terrorism and counterterrorism, etc.

But! From as near as we can tell about her work on Petraeus, she seems to be quite the disciple of capital-L Leadership as a solution to all of our problems, an attitude she is definitely not alone in holding. What Washington needs is not specific solutions to actual problems that balance the needs of various constituencies, but Strong Leadership, which will Get Things Done. Petraeus, in this third-hand retelling, seems to have been extremely sensible, reminding his protege/sex partner that she would have to have opinions on all sorts of non-Leadership things; plus (if we are interpreting “would not fit either party” correctly), she was probably a bazillion times too liberal to win a Republican primary in North Carolina. But mainly it just seems kind of telling that someone wanted to be senator and then got mad because her mentor/love interest said “Hmm, so you want to run for political office, let’s talk about the political views you hold, shall we?” Leadership is a process! Everything else is just content.

So, too bad, no Senator Broadwell for us! Plus there’s the small factor that neither of the current North Carolina senators are up for election until 2014. (Similar scheduling problems prevent either or both of the Kelley twins for running for Florida senate until 2016.) Still, Broadwell has been received warmly by her neighbors/potential constituents in her North Carolina home town, which just reinforces the Daily Beast’s insane proclamation, based on two examples, that her neighborhood is Mistressville, U.S.A. [Time]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 113 comments }

Barbara_ November 19, 2012 at 9:20 am

Mistress: something between a "mister" and a "mattress." Way to go, Paula!

thatsitfortheother1 November 19, 2012 at 10:02 am

It's awright. They're both married.

DogWhisperer November 19, 2012 at 10:29 am

But, in this case, I suspect Paula was on top.

thatsitfortheother1 November 19, 2012 at 10:31 am

Behind, maybe.

actor212 November 19, 2012 at 9:20 am

Senator? I'm sure she'd head some committee

boskolives November 19, 2012 at 9:45 am

Seems more likely she'd be giving some head to the head of some committee.

thatsitfortheother1 November 19, 2012 at 10:02 am

You said head.

boskolives November 19, 2012 at 10:08 am

Thanks for the heads-up!

actor212 November 19, 2012 at 11:17 am

That was the direction I was headed

gurukalehuru November 19, 2012 at 11:18 am

heh-heh-heh-head

EatsBabyDingos November 19, 2012 at 9:21 am

She should go for Governor of Alaska, and get herself a little 20 year younger plaything so she can get into his Levy's.

BZ1 November 19, 2012 at 9:22 am

because they're all media whores? or wait a second …

vulpes82 November 19, 2012 at 9:23 am

Actually, Petraeus's reaction is the only thing I can respect him for in this whole mess.

secanonymous November 19, 2012 at 10:42 am

I'd take a knee in his presence.

/amiright

BeefHardcake November 19, 2012 at 9:23 am

Giggity?

freakishlywrong November 19, 2012 at 9:27 am

It's a good thing Benghazi is all Rethugs want to talk about. It's obscuring the fact that all these awful assholes caught up in this utter nonsense are "fambly values" Republicans.

BadKitty904 November 19, 2012 at 9:31 am

As I said after Nov. 6 – these vicious, unAmerican GOP cretins are still around and they're *still* dangerous…

FeloniousMonk November 19, 2012 at 9:45 am

Indeed. One thing missing from most accounts is any mention of how devoted Petraeus was to the "spiritual fitness" of his troops, as detailed by Chris Rodda.

outragedcitizen November 19, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Yeah, but Obama's fault becuz he's, you know, blah.

BadKitty904 November 19, 2012 at 9:28 am

A caucus of courtesans. Miss Lindsay could wear her best frock!

Broadwell'd hardly be the first political prostitute elected to Congress, though perhaps the first *female* 'un…

actor212 November 19, 2012 at 9:36 am

LIDDY DOLE LIBEL!

BadKitty904 November 19, 2012 at 9:38 am

Hey, I was trying to be polite…

boskolives November 19, 2012 at 9:41 am

Well frock me blind, the very thought of Miss Lindsay involved in a "cock-us" would certainly be arousing to the masses!

AlterNewt November 19, 2012 at 9:29 am

Liar, cheater, Senator? Sure, why not?

BadKitty904 November 19, 2012 at 9:31 am

Sounds overqualified, if anything.

Terry November 19, 2012 at 9:38 am

Tossed out of her grad program at Harvard for poor performance, too.

Mumbletypeg November 19, 2012 at 9:30 am

If they haven't yet cast for Rielle World, Mistressville NC then someone at MTV needs to get on it!

actor212 November 19, 2012 at 9:36 am

She's disqualified due to proximity

bflrtsplk November 19, 2012 at 9:31 am

And here I thought the extra marital affair was at the top of every aspiring Republican senator`s resume.

BadKitty904 November 19, 2012 at 9:34 am

She got it all wrong, though, as amateurs are wont to do – she was sleeping with an adult human of the opposite gender.

Maybe next time she'll meet GOP standards…

boskolives November 19, 2012 at 9:39 am

Top of the resume unless the affair was with a dead girl or live boy, or so I've heard.

thatsitfortheother1 November 19, 2012 at 10:06 am

Under the resume header Other:

Have hiked the Appalachian trail seven times.

MLHencken November 19, 2012 at 9:31 am

Once again a potentially decent (or at least good for a few yuk-yuks) senatorial candidate is ruined by a misplaced penis — or in this case — vagina.

Sorry everyone.

Chet Kincaid_ November 19, 2012 at 9:32 am

My Lord, sleeping with Broadwell is probably a cross between some kind of P-90Sex and a wolverine attack. Patraeus was probably the only man outside of MMA fit enough to "sniff her flower."

Barbara_ November 19, 2012 at 9:52 am

She does strike me as the type of bitch that would totally chain you to the stove and beat you to a curtain rod if you pissed her off. I bet her Pinterest board is a very dark and whorey place. *shiver*

AlterNewt November 19, 2012 at 9:57 am

And she don't wanna listen to no Stanley Turrentine.

pdiddycornchips November 19, 2012 at 10:09 am

Little known facts about Wolverines. They are the only large mammal not to hibernate during the winter. They will steal a kill from a full grown Grizzly bear. When they eat their prey, they consume everything including the bones and the teeth.

thatsitfortheother1 November 19, 2012 at 10:35 am

They are the only large mammal not to hibernate during the winter???

Vecchiojohn November 19, 2012 at 10:49 am

Well, I'm a large mammal and I'd hibernate if I could. . . .

pdiddycornchips November 19, 2012 at 11:45 am

Well no. They are one of the only large mammals in Alaska who don't hibernate excluding humans and aquatic mammals like whales, walruses, and the like. Whateves, they eat bones and teeth.

thatsitfortheother1 November 20, 2012 at 3:24 am

Sorry, I take my mammalians srsly.

Lot_49 November 19, 2012 at 9:33 am

Yes yes, leadership is What We Need. There are several floors of Infantry Hall at Fort Benning devoted to teaching it to baby Army officers. Mitt Romney asserted that the mere fact of his leadership would turn the economy around. Paul Ryan was an "intellectual leader" of that collocation of great minds known as the house Republican caucus. Obama exhibited "failed leadership," because he failed to execute Phase II of the transition to Sharia Law.

And what have the voters chosen? It is puzzling.

Plus: Jesse Helms. Ews.

Estproph November 19, 2012 at 9:33 am

If McCain & Brown can be senators, then I guess she can too. It doesn't mean she has to be a good one, after all.

pdiddycornchips November 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

She isn't as batshit cray as Jim DeMint but then not many are.

Aridzona November 19, 2012 at 9:33 am

Her views on the Defense of Marriage Act are interesting, to say the least.

BadKitty904 November 19, 2012 at 9:35 am

Similar to Gingrich's, Limbaugh's, et al., no?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 19, 2012 at 9:46 am

Standard GOP view: adultery should only violate a marriage between a man and a woman.

Spurning Beer November 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

A good offense is the best defense.

docterry6973 November 19, 2012 at 9:34 am

First Gen. Petraeus, now Sen. Broadwell. Evil, evil sex has cost America another great leader. You won't find any of that sex stuff at MY house, nosiree.

actor212 November 19, 2012 at 9:37 am

DA Suben, is that you?

Goonemeritus November 19, 2012 at 9:36 am

“Her answers, he told her, would not fit either party, and she should not sell herself out”

Inquiring minds want to know if this valuable advice on the maintenance of one’s integrity was delivered during or after the repeated violations of their oaths of matrimony.

AlterNewt November 19, 2012 at 10:00 am

Selective integrity.

thatsitfortheother1 November 19, 2012 at 10:08 am

Nobody can eat just one.

ph7 November 19, 2012 at 9:37 am

Girls just wanna have fun.

boskolives November 19, 2012 at 9:38 am

An exhumed Ronnie Reagan would be "…. a bazillion times too liberal to win a Republican primary in North Carolina." Just saying…

PugglesRule November 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

But what about Futurama's head of Nixon?

One_who_wanders November 19, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Oh, fudge he is too liberal for the democrats . . .

boskolives November 19, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I ask myself, why does every politicalish post include head?

Rotundo_ November 19, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I keep hearing about how "The Gipper" wouldn't pass muster with the current crop of Republican idiots: I don't think the man possessed a single moral or ethical conviction that couldn't be turned on a dime by his handlers. Life was just a script for Ronaldus Maximus, especially after the short term memory functions petered out.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 19, 2012 at 9:39 am

Competent, practical, and academic? She's already disqualified from being a GOP congresscritter, regardless of her positions on the issues.

irishdave3 November 20, 2012 at 10:58 pm

So she is the Mistress of the Missionary Position but the Politcal Position…not so much?

KobayashiMaru November 19, 2012 at 9:40 am

Broadwell/Hunter '16!

NellCote71 November 19, 2012 at 10:56 am

What about my favorite ticket: Bachmann/Palin?

fawkedifiknow November 19, 2012 at 9:40 am

She violated the time honored sequence of events: Get yourself elected to high office, running as a "values" candidate, and THEN have your extramarital affair.

docterry6973 November 19, 2012 at 10:19 am

This is a sad situation, a tragic loss to the nation when one's personal affairs are dragged out into….wait, Broadwell is the woman? Slut.

freakishlywrong November 19, 2012 at 9:41 am

Why didn't fucking Vitter have to resign?

BadKitty904 November 19, 2012 at 9:44 am

I'd like to hear the answer to that, myownself.

thatsitfortheother1 November 19, 2012 at 10:09 am

Because diapers.

Mahousu November 19, 2012 at 10:50 am

Because the dead girl was not actually in his bed at the time.

bobbert November 19, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Because Louisivama.

Guppy November 19, 2012 at 9:42 am

his protege/sex partner

Oh, there was sex, but she was never a partner

horsedreamer_1 November 19, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Anthony Kiedis empathizes.

metamarcisf November 19, 2012 at 9:44 am

The complete transcript of Gen. Petraeus' answer to congress when asked about his involvement with Ms. Broadwell:

"The angle of the dangle
Times the square of the hair
Equals the heat of the meat."

Limeylizzie November 19, 2012 at 9:44 am

But I believe something is happening in Israel/Gaza, so let's talk about Paula Broadwell's sluttiness, and Benghazigate, because …oh fucking Lord how I hate the GOP.

BadKitty904 November 19, 2012 at 9:46 am

Beats working for a living.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 19, 2012 at 9:59 am

They do seem to be a bit slow to learn. May it last into November of 2014.

Guppy November 19, 2012 at 9:44 am

Also, too: what's with all the creepy stalker pictures taken through windows? Is this the kind of respectable journalistic integrity the AP is selling these days?

actor212 November 19, 2012 at 9:47 am

Integr-what now?

Rotundo_ November 19, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Journalistic integrity was deleted from the AP stylebook some time back. Sideboob sells.

Chet Kincaid_ November 19, 2012 at 9:45 am

New from the makers of "Infinity Blade" and based on the battle-tested Unreal Engine: "Punani Wars" for iOS!! Fight as any one of many Infamous Super-Powered Mistresses! Paula Broadwell, with her devastating forehead butt! Astronaut Diaper Lady with her insane stamina! Rielle the Hunter with her disabling Spells of Flattery! Argentine Lady with her Tango Death Move! Can your concubine conquer the combined commando attack of the Kelley Twins?! Notch Generals, Senators and Governors on your garter belt as you move up in Career Mode! Rated AO, obvs!!

actor212 November 19, 2012 at 9:48 am

FINISH HIM!

Chet Kincaid_ November 19, 2012 at 9:50 am

It's Mistress vs. Mistress, with Male Authority Figures as Career Achievements!

docterry6973 November 19, 2012 at 10:20 am

I still vote for the Argentine lady, and she is welcome to drop by any time.

memzilla November 19, 2012 at 9:49 am

Anagrams of "Paula Broadwell" include: A Durable Wallop, Pure AWOL Ballad, and Laudable Lap Row.

boskolives November 19, 2012 at 9:55 am

Ah, busywork on a slow news day indeed

gurukalehuru November 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

Also Paula Broad Well, too.

ManchuCandidate November 19, 2012 at 9:53 am

Instead of Senator, she can join a more entertaining club… Bravo's "The Real Mistresses of Washington DC."

toughsister November 19, 2012 at 9:54 am

YAWN… Kissinger said it until the old fart was blue in the face: "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac". So Broadwell fell for it, and Petraeus was only too happy to oblige.

Honestly, WHO GIVES A SHIT? Has national security be breached? I'll believe it when I see the Taliban landing on the beaches of New Jersey.

Mahousu November 19, 2012 at 10:52 am

Has national security be breached?

Oddly enough, "National Security" was Petraeus' nickname for Broadwell's vagina.

Spurning Beer November 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Now I'm confused. I thought it was National Vulva.

Chet Kincaid_ November 19, 2012 at 9:58 am

When Rielle and Paula hit the clubs in Dilworth looking for an eligible mark, it's like being scissored within an inch of your life by the "Night At The Roxbury" twins.

MozakiBlocks November 19, 2012 at 10:04 am

I thought being a Senator from North Carolina required you to have an affair and get your mistress pregnant.

Jukesgrrl November 20, 2012 at 12:29 am

Bob Dole did not get Liddy pregnant.

kittensdontlie November 19, 2012 at 10:05 am

Was it a copycat affair, or is there something in that North Carolina mountain spring water?? You decide.

rocktonsam November 19, 2012 at 10:06 am

that shiny forehead is shiny

smellypossum November 19, 2012 at 10:21 am

My thought also too when I saw that picture.

Perhaps she learned shoe-shining from her military mentor/partner/fuckbuddy, then used her shining skills on her forehead (and maybe his knob as well).

thatsitfortheother1 November 19, 2012 at 10:38 am

Lots of practice wiping it off, perhaps?

ttommyunger November 19, 2012 at 10:09 am

" ….what was her position, he asked, on abortion? Climate change? Gun control? Gay marriage? Tax cuts? Social Security vouchers?"….. Missionary, Doggie Style, Sixty-Nine, Sixty-Eight and I owe you One???? Inquiring Pervs want to know!

Maman November 19, 2012 at 10:12 am

I am still disappointed that I never saw a headline that said "BETRAEUS".

actor212 November 19, 2012 at 11:16 am

You just haven't looked hard enough

EnnuiThereYet? November 19, 2012 at 10:16 am

Paula Broadstone is a real-life Tracy Flick.

DustyBowlBlues November 19, 2012 at 10:24 am

Leadership–A word a bunch of whiny losers like to toss around. They lost, and it's everyone and everything's fault. WaaWaaWaa. Could we just have a moratorium on the winger alt-universe so we liberals and kind of stretch out a few minutes and forget those crybaby right wingers exist? Is that too much to ask?

Biff November 19, 2012 at 10:51 am

She should come to Nevada, where we welcome whores in politics.
Or more accurately in this case, pimps…

fuflans November 19, 2012 at 11:01 am

wasted away again in mistressville.

Esteev November 19, 2012 at 11:02 am

But the question remains, which position does she like the most?

southernboyman November 19, 2012 at 11:07 am

A round-heeled Tar Heel, who wouldn't vote for that!

gurukalehuru November 19, 2012 at 11:29 am

I heard that Ashley (the hot Judd) Judd might be fixin' to run against Turtlehead Mitch McConnell when his seat comes up in the rotation. Bet she'd whoop his ass, too.

I heard it on facebook, which is always a reliable source.

outragedcitizen November 19, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Why didn't Petraeus ask her about her views on Adultery?

Oh, right, she was running as a Republican and she was having an affair. Never mind.

elgin_pelican November 19, 2012 at 12:10 pm

She and Ryan would be a match – both people we keep getting told are attractive. Is it just me?

Jukesgrrl November 20, 2012 at 12:33 am

They could stand naked in front of a mirror and compare their abs. And then he could claim he fucked her for two hours and fifty-something minutes.

DahBoner November 19, 2012 at 12:22 pm

BECAUSE TWO DRINK MINIMUM PAL

Smithboy November 19, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Paula….John Edwards on line one.

boskolives November 19, 2012 at 11:28 am

Well played, then, also.

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