war pigs

Poor Dumb Oklahoma Humiliates Itself Again, Sets It In Stone

Mike Ritze in convincing disguise, changing ALL 10 Commandments in the dead of nightGood news for Rage Against the Machine fans – another Republican loves your favorite band! Apparently Paul Ryan isn’t the only one who enjoys loosening his tie for a little “the power” fighting. Mike Ritze, current head of the Department of Forced Religion for the ruling Oklahoma Military Junta (and state lawmaker in his spare time) has finally unveiled his controversial Ten Commandments monument at the state capital, and it turns out the monument has little to do with honoring God and morals and country and blah blah blah. Ritze has pulled a fast one on his anti-secular GOP buddies with a secret plan to undermine and ridicule the prominent role religion plays in his state, and he’s executing it from the inside, man.

Ritze’s plan? Create a three year national controversy by fighting to install a religious monument at a government capital, because all those Oklahoma Communists running around need to be reminded of that glorious day 225 years ago when our founding fathers drafted and signed those Ten Commandments into law at the bottom of that flaming hill. Once everyone is good and mad at each other over whether or not some shitty stone slab will grace the capital complex of America’s least favorite state, secretly meet with the company erecting the monument and convince them to misspell MAYBE THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD IN JUDEO-CHRISTIANITY!!!!! (AND METAL!!!!!)

Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Ritze wants you to remember the SABBETH, a new American holiday where families everywhere gather to burn state flags and urinate on the Our Lady of Guadalupe window clings that infest nearly every house on the block, WHICH YOU’VE JUST NOW NOTICED HAS STARTED TO REALLY GO DOWN HILL I MEAN HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THESE OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE WINDOW CLINGS????

Sloppy, humiliating misspellings on Oklahoma’s shiny new Ten Commandments monument can’t be the fault of the monument company that made the Oklahoma Ten Commandments, can it?

“It’s a simple oversight and it will be fixed quite easily is my understanding, but the monument company said there’s no problem with fixing that,” said Ritze, a Broken Arrow native. “They are a reputable company that does monuments all over the country and the state.”

Wonketteers, it is time to start a monument company that doesn’t misspell or mispunctuate “sabbath,” maidservant,” and “neighbor’s.” We will make all the Ameros in the land!

Sure, you could assume the company responsible for the monument’s lettering made an innocent (though boneheaded) mistake. But then you’d have to assume our President isn’t a Communist mastermind who uses operatives to infiltrate the Republican Party. You’d have to honestly believe Barack Obama has no undercover agenda aimed at embarrassing an entire religion – not to mention most of a major political party. Moreover, you’d need an unshakable faith in unintended irony. You’d have to be the kind of person who wants to build an ornate religious monument at a site of secular governance to promote time tested values, such as avoiding idol worship. Who would want to be that big of a ninny?

Sadly, for anti-secular Republicans, one can’t help but acknowledge the depth of this conspiracy. According to Ritze, the misspelling of “Sabbath” is simply a minor error that will be remedied quickly and easily, which is believable if you don’t know the real Mike Ritze –- always hiding away in his garage with his shirtsleeves rolled sloppily to the elbows, headbanging to Guerrilla Radio.


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      1. SayItWithWookies

        Oh, then you can get into the question of which version of the inerrant, unchanging, divinely-authored commandments you're talking about. And then you could note that there are really two-hundred-sixty-some commandments, or that for some reason they weren't orginially written in English as The LORD must have intended — yeah, have fun sowing discord among His chosen people.

  1. smellypossum

    Thank you religion, and religion-justified ignorance! Woot!

    It's a tight race between Florida, Arizona, and Florida to be cultural and political epicenter of Dumbfuckistan.

    Texas, y'all are falling behind!

  2. Cleopatriot

    Oh man. Couldn't they have just left out the 'nots? Thou shalt make graven images. Thou shalt kill. Thou shalt bear false witness.

    1. SystemError

      Can't go wrong with anything up to Sabotage. But every once in a while I'll crank up "The Mob Rules" to give the Dio era a nod.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I was in a band that covered that song. But we did did it in a way that made it sound like Black-Sabbath-as-played-by-the-B52's.

        That one always packed the dance floor.

        1. sewollef

          The B-52's I don't mind, a little dated now, but cool in their time. However, pretty much all other metal turns me cold.

          I'm glad Sabbath was spelled wrong though. Jackass GOP.

          1. CthuNHu

            Please turn in your credentials immediately and leave music criticism forever.

            You will be permitted to genuflect briefly before the High Altar of The B-52s as you are escorted out.

          2. sewollef

            Thank you. I feel honoured.

            I will go, head held high, knowing that Nick Cave, The Pixies and The Gang of Four are still held in high esteem in my household.

            Oh, and I might even fart in your general direction….

          3. CthuNHu

            Even a hamster drunk on elderberry wine should know better than to label the B-52s "metal;" or, for that matter, to dismiss them as "a little dated now, but cool in their time."

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        Actually there are many exceptions to this rule… Killing someone in a war, for example. Or someone who doesn't read the same version of the book as you. Or witches, fags, the occasional son, etc…

        1. sewollef

          …. entire cities, civilizations. In fact anything the writers of this fantasy novel found offensive at the time.

    1. chicken_thief

      The fact that the majority clearly disagrees with them only serves to prove the extent of the effectiveness of Obama's dastardly plan to hoodwink us all into letting the UN take over.

      Or something like that….

  3. JustPixelz

    Bless their Sabbeth and keep it holey.

    Oklahoma is O-Gay.

    "They are a reputable company…" Private enterprise! How does it work?

      1. Lizzietish81

        Witches,. Cause its SPELL check, clearly work of the devil and his servants.

        And it goes deeper, why look at Bill Gates and his hippie wife.

    1. boskolives

      Spelling errors aside, their basic count was good because 10 commandments they promised and 10 commandments they delivered, not 9, not 11, but 10. Remember that in 2016, if there is one after the soon to arrive rapture.

  4. snowpointsecret

    Just wait until they realize they typoed "thou shalt commit adultery" in there too.

    Oh wait, considering their recent history, that wasn't a typo… The Republicans love families so much that they have more than one!

  5. chicken_thief

    Is it ok in OK to beat my wife with that fucking hunk of marble if she's dawdling over the sammich making again?

  6. memzilla

    “It’s a simple oversight and it will be fixed quite easily…” said Ritze.

    Allowing certain states to have Congressional representation without the oversight of psychiatric counselors can also be called a "simple oversight," as well.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Having worked for a party and event company, and a political campaign, and published books, I figured printing was remarkably unforgiving.

      Monuments, however, have printing beat. Would you think a company that produces these would have a proof reading system?

      I guess they've never heard the cliche "Well, it's not set in stone" (actually should be either "Set in concrete" or "Carved in stone," but that's a whole nother smoke).

      1. shelwood46

        In my work over the years in the fire service, we've had a number of monuments//cornerstones carved, along with getting engraved plaques every year. It is remarkable how often they come back with errors. If you make a mistake on the form, it is guaranteed they will follow it to the letter. However, if you turn in a perfect form, they will come up with amazing misspellings, often claiming they couldn't read perfectly legible block printing. What, there isn't a 1 in the middle of "Richard"? No, it's not our policy to call and check…

        1. Tundra Grifter

          sw46: A week or so ago I was at the gateway to the site of the Union Stockyards ("The Jungle") is a monument to Chicago firefighters killed in the line of duty. I looked at the names and dates – how very sad to see several clusters of people killed on the same day.

          It was erected by their Union, and apparently only Union firefighters are on it, because across the little square is another monument to the 21 heroes who died in a single fire (I believe in 1910).

          I went back to the first monument and checked – only one name for that date…

  7. Goonemeritus

    This is barely on topic, last night I watched PBS’s wonderful documentary on the Dustbowl. My question is how can how can anyone from Oklahoma ever vote Republican again. Also how can Climate deniers make the case that human activity cannot change climate. Woody Guthrie is looking down from socialist heaven weeping.

    1. TheGyrus

      Much as evaporation from the Dead Sea causes it to become saltier and saltier over time, a similar thing happened when all the smart Okies left for California, leaving highly concentrated stupidity behind them.

    2. T3rbo

      Most people I have met from OK look like small scrawny inbred fucks, I am guessing the regular folk, after about a month of the dust bowl, bailed out. The relatives of the ones that stayed, after FOUR FUCKING YEARS of that nonsense, tearfully look upon their new monument and don't even realize anything is spelled wrong (GOD AIN'T MAKE MISTAKES!)

  8. CrunchyKnee

    I have several sexy and smart friends from Ok. It always makes me wonder about that state, then I realize all the sexy and smart people leave.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      "When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states."

      ~ Will Rogers

      [No offense intended towards your friends – or people who live in Oklahoma or California; I just think it's funny.]

    2. T3rbo

      Ha, I just posted teh exact same thing in reply above.
      "Whelp, all that's left are dead jackrabbits, the soil is fucked, my kids are dead, it's still HOT AS FUCK because it's still oklahoma, I live in a half finished dugout, but at least the dust storms stopped. Time to focus on the 10 commandments!"

    3. RatPuke

      Present and accounted for! <waves sexily and smartly from San Diego>

      Also: I did NOT vote for the Kreep fella. Just saying.

  9. OneDollarJuana

    “It’s a simple oversight and it will be fixed quite easily…” said Ritze.

    So, in the Sooner State it can be fixed later?

  10. rocktonsam

    ah yes, 225 years ago, thats when Noah's Ark sailed with the Nina, the Pinto and the Santa Maria.

    good times

    1. snowpointsecret

      He's STILL going to fight on? What the heck can they do now? Not even Rick Scott would be able to spin that thing his way.

    2. Chet Kincaid_

      This can only end with a police standoff in his barricaded Congressional Office and a demand to see Debbie Wasserman-Schultz or else he'll turn the gun on himself. Unfortunately, she will have a scheduling conflict.

    3. MonkeyBiz

      The fact that he's still fighting must mean that Fox News hasn't come through with a paid contributor offer yet.

    4. Steverino247

      It means he's really delusional, is what it means. He really believes things are as he has been saying. It wasn't just to pander for votes, in other words.

      Here's how this ends: The state certifies the vote results and sends Murphy a certificate to that effect which he will present to somebody in order to be sworn in as a congresscritter. West rants and sues, but Murphy goes to Washington anyway.

      I know this isn't as entertaining as watching West scream, "Turn those machines back on!!!" but hey, that's the way it goes.

    5. GoodDogThor

      Been holding on to this for awhile. If you listen to Irish Pub Rock on Pandora, you may know the tune (apologies to actual Irish lads and lasses…):

      ♪ The night that Patrick Murphy won is a night I'll never forget
      Allen West shit the bed tho' he ain't conceded yet
      Akin got legitimately raped by Murdock's gift from Dog
      and all of the Wonkers celebrated, they ain't been sober yet… ♫

  11. glasspusher

    I have a good, liberal friend in Oklahoma…he clearly is able to deal with the stupid. I guess I would just make it a game…

  12. Chet Kincaid_

    4. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

  13. tessiee

    I think to be capable of humiliation, you have to have both self-awareness and some decent sense of shame.

  14. tessiee

    Oh, give Ritze a break.
    He can't spell his own name right; do you really expect him to get a long word like "Sabbath"?

  15. Allmighty_Manos

    "We tried to make it as much of an Oklahoma-product as possible."

    One of Rep. Ritze's more accurate statements.

  16. Botlrokit

    I am still in awe of the person who originally pointed out the irony of Christians making over a graven image of the Rules — that explicitly tell them not to. Whichever Wonketter you are, you're awesome.

  17. Tundra Grifter

    We are beginning to suffer the consequences from a generation raised with computer and word processing SpelChek.

  18. ph7

    Isn't Ritze the guy who did not want Oklahoma to realize the sun doesn't go down, It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round?

  19. BZ1

    They do know that all those 10 Commandment tablets that appeared all over the US were the product of Cecil B. De Mille's promotional campaign for the movie of the same name. No? well, move along…

  20. rebeccavegas

    Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to covet my neighbor's house, field, manservant, maidservant, ox, or his ass?

  21. Negropolis

    Mike Ritze, current head of the Department of Forced Religion for the ruling Oklahoma Military Junta

    This is a description of immeasurable beauty.

  22. Cheburashka64

    I blame Country Music. My Jr high metal phase didn't teach me much, but it did teach me how to spell Sabbath.

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