Mike Ritze in convincing disguise, changing ALL 10 Commandments in the dead of nightGood news for Rage Against the Machine fans – another Republican loves your favorite band! Apparently Paul Ryan isn’t the only one who enjoys loosening his tie for a little “the power” fighting. Mike Ritze, current head of the Department of Forced Religion for the ruling Oklahoma Military Junta (and state lawmaker in his spare time) has finally unveiled his controversial Ten Commandments monument at the state capital, and it turns out the monument has little to do with honoring God and morals and country and blah blah blah. Ritze has pulled a fast one on his anti-secular GOP buddies with a secret plan to undermine and ridicule the prominent role religion plays in his state, and he’s executing it from the inside, man.

Ritze’s plan? Create a three year national controversy by fighting to install a religious monument at a government capital, because all those Oklahoma Communists running around need to be reminded of that glorious day 225 years ago when our founding fathers drafted and signed those Ten Commandments into law at the bottom of that flaming hill. Once everyone is good and mad at each other over whether or not some shitty stone slab will grace the capital complex of America’s least favorite state, secretly meet with the company erecting the monument and convince them to misspell MAYBE THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD IN JUDEO-CHRISTIANITY!!!!! (AND METAL!!!!!)

Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Ritze wants you to remember the SABBETH, a new American holiday where families everywhere gather to burn state flags and urinate on the Our Lady of Guadalupe window clings that infest nearly every house on the block, WHICH YOU’VE JUST NOW NOTICED HAS STARTED TO REALLY GO DOWN HILL I MEAN HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THESE OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE WINDOW CLINGS????

Sloppy, humiliating misspellings on Oklahoma’s shiny new Ten Commandments monument can’t be the fault of the monument company that made the Oklahoma Ten Commandments, can it?

“It’s a simple oversight and it will be fixed quite easily is my understanding, but the monument company said there’s no problem with fixing that,” said Ritze, a Broken Arrow native. “They are a reputable company that does monuments all over the country and the state.”

Wonketteers, it is time to start a monument company that doesn’t misspell or mispunctuate “sabbath,” maidservant,” and “neighbor’s.” We will make all the Ameros in the land!

Sure, you could assume the company responsible for the monument’s lettering made an innocent (though boneheaded) mistake. But then you’d have to assume our President isn’t a Communist mastermind who uses operatives to infiltrate the Republican Party. You’d have to honestly believe Barack Obama has no undercover agenda aimed at embarrassing an entire religion – not to mention most of a major political party. Moreover, you’d need an unshakable faith in unintended irony. You’d have to be the kind of person who wants to build an ornate religious monument at a site of secular governance to promote time tested values, such as avoiding idol worship. Who would want to be that big of a ninny?

Sadly, for anti-secular Republicans, one can’t help but acknowledge the depth of this conspiracy. According to Ritze, the misspelling of “Sabbath” is simply a minor error that will be remedied quickly and easily, which is believable if you don’t know the real Mike Ritze –- always hiding away in his garage with his shirtsleeves rolled sloppily to the elbows, headbanging to Guerrilla Radio.


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  • Come here a minute

    It's spelled "gorilla", dummy.

    • It's pronounced "gorillas" but it's spelled "throat warbler mangrove"

    • Tundra Grifter

      Only if you want to monkey around.

  • Assume literacy dead.

    • Terry

      Was it ever alive in Oklahoma?

    • chicken_thief

      What was that? I'm sorry, I cain't read…

    • tessiee

      Assume Oklahoma leotarded.

    • If only there was some commonly-available book that listed these so-called "Commandments" where people could check the spelling…

      • Oh, then you can get into the question of which version of the inerrant, unchanging, divinely-authored commandments you're talking about. And then you could note that there are really two-hundred-sixty-some commandments, or that for some reason they weren't orginially written in English as The LORD must have intended — yeah, have fun sowing discord among His chosen people.

        • Biff

          I guess it really does lose something in the translation from the original Aramaic…

    • Beowoof

      Fancy book learnin ain't sheeeeeet, when you have good old common sense.

  • Ozzy Osbourne just freaked out a little. Think of all the merchandise he's misspelled, now that God has changed the spelling!

  • smellypossum

    Thank you religion, and religion-justified ignorance! Woot!

    It's a tight race between Florida, Arizona, and Florida to be cultural and political epicenter of Dumbfuckistan.

    Texas, y'all are falling behind!

    • Yellerdawg

      No, sadly, we're not.

  • Cleopatriot

    Oh man. Couldn't they have just left out the 'nots? Thou shalt make graven images. Thou shalt kill. Thou shalt bear false witness.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I've seen my neighbor's wife, and I can tell you that I do NOT covet her. Nor her ass.

    • shelwood46

      Well, they do tend to leave out the 'nots' in practice.

    • FeloniousMonk

      Yeah. The publishers of the Wicked Bible were too timid. Though they did pick the best "not" to leave out.

  • metamarcisf

    I love Sabbath. Especially their early stuff.

    • But isn't Kansas the land of Oz?

      • It's certainly on the Crazy Train

    • SystemError

      Can't go wrong with anything up to Sabotage. But every once in a while I'll crank up "The Mob Rules" to give the Dio era a nod.

    • hagajim

      I Am Iron Man.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I was in a band that covered that song. But we did did it in a way that made it sound like Black-Sabbath-as-played-by-the-B52's.

        That one always packed the dance floor.

        • sewollef

          The B-52's I don't mind, a little dated now, but cool in their time. However, pretty much all other metal turns me cold.

          I'm glad Sabbath was spelled wrong though. Jackass GOP.

          • CthuNHu

            Please turn in your credentials immediately and leave music criticism forever.

            You will be permitted to genuflect briefly before the High Altar of The B-52s as you are escorted out.

          • sewollef

            Thank you. I feel honoured.

            I will go, head held high, knowing that Nick Cave, The Pixies and The Gang of Four are still held in high esteem in my household.

            Oh, and I might even fart in your general direction….

          • CthuNHu

            Even a hamster drunk on elderberry wine should know better than to label the B-52s "metal;" or, for that matter, to dismiss them as "a little dated now, but cool in their time."

        • AlterNewt

          In the same spirit, we do a Johnny Cash-flavored cover of Aqualung.

          • I'm asking Santa for a copy of the Lennon Sisters' "Over the Hills and Far Away."

  • Jesus wept.

    • chicken_thief

      Jeebs was a girlie man?!

  • PubOption

    Ozzy can bite the offending letter off the monument.

  • Ruhe

    'Cause ya see, if everybody knew that God doesn't approve of murder they'd all stop doing it so much.

    • kittensdontlie

      I break these commandments all the time. It's not like they are written in stone.

    • Guppy

      God has very broad definitions to fornication and adultery, but murder is very narrowly defined.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Actually there are many exceptions to this rule… Killing someone in a war, for example. Or someone who doesn't read the same version of the book as you. Or witches, fags, the occasional son, etc…

        • sewollef

          …. entire cities, civilizations. In fact anything the writers of this fantasy novel found offensive at the time.

  • Only a Communist would believe that the President is not a Communist.

    Or something like that.

    • chicken_thief

      The fact that the majority clearly disagrees with them only serves to prove the extent of the effectiveness of Obama's dastardly plan to hoodwink us all into letting the UN take over.

      Or something like that….

      • HistoriCat

        Something something brainwashing something Delphi technique.

    • Biff

      What part of Blah-rack do we not understand?

  • Thin gruel, Jr. More lumpish bits of meat!!

    • Click thru to the article. He blames Hollywood liberals like Charlton Heston

  • Sloppy, humiliating misspellings

    And this is a pressing issue for whom? For teatards?? …….

  • Disassembly

    Thou shalt have no other dogs before me.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      So sayeth Ceiling Kitteh

    • Tao shat not kilz.

  • freakishlywrong

    ♫ OOOOOOOOOklahoma, where the wind comes whistling through your head ♪

  • snowpointsecret

    Wait, they actually noticed? I thought education wasn't allowed in the Tea Party.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    I'm so sick of these MORANS!

    • Again, geographic confusion. Jerry Moran is the junior senator from Upper Oklahoma/Baja Nebraska.

  • This seems pretty ritzy for Oklahoma, Mike.

  • JustPixelz

    Bless their Sabbeth and keep it holey.

    Oklahoma is O-Gay.

    "They are a reputable company…" Private enterprise! How does it work?

    • Tulsa, home of the Gaylord Church of Christ, come for the Gay, stay for the Lord!

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Goudalupe = wolf cheese. An acquired taste.

  • And the lord said, "Spell Check is the work of the devil." Thow shalt rite in the wey dog intanded without chequing.

    • memzilla

      This is what you get when you don't install Clippy with Microsoft Word 97.

    • kittensdontlie

      Spell Check. Who knows how it works?

      • Lizzietish81

        Witches,. Cause its SPELL check, clearly work of the devil and his servants.

        And it goes deeper, why look at Bill Gates and his hippie wife.

        • Biff

          Mostly, I think they need spielcheck.

  • Disassembly

    Blessed are the meerkats for they shall inferret the earth.

  • freakishlywrong

    The separation of derp and hate.

    • sullivanst

      It's a thin line between derp and hate.

  • Sloppy, humiliating misspellings on Oklahoma’s shiny new Ten Commandments monument

    Get a clue, Morans.

    • Spelling errors aside, their basic count was good because 10 commandments they promised and 10 commandments they delivered, not 9, not 11, but 10. Remember that in 2016, if there is one after the soon to arrive rapture.

  • e_z

    Obviously this is the work of Gad.

  • Everything is better when it sitse on a Ritze

  • Good to see that cracker Ritze be an ironman.

  • memzilla

    Oklahoma? I has a saddeth.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Kreeping Sheria!

  • snowpointsecret

    Just wait until they realize they typoed "thou shalt commit adultery" in there too.

    Oh wait, considering their recent history, that wasn't a typo… The Republicans love families so much that they have more than one!

  • PsycWench

    His favorite band is Blakc Sabbath.

  • joobajooba

    Sabbeth is a cover band. They opened for Lez Zeppelin.

    • tessiee

      Is Lez Zeppelin the all-girl Led Zeppelin cover band?
      And if not, shouldn't it be?

      • DCBloom

        It is, I've seen them and they rock!

    • MonkeyBiz

      Do they ever tour with Deaf Leppard, the hearing impaired 80s cover band?

  • chicken_thief

    Is it ok in OK to beat my wife with that fucking hunk of marble if she's dawdling over the sammich making again?

  • So much hate for the home of the biggest McDonald's in the world.

  • MissTaken

    Hukked onn fonicks werked fer mee!

  • It's really just an unlucky streak for the chosen few. Their own bible's prophet said it so it must be true, "Only a remnant shall retard."

  • Botlrokit

    Remember the Sabbeth and keep it holey, Amercia.

  • memzilla

    “It’s a simple oversight and it will be fixed quite easily…” said Ritze.

    Allowing certain states to have Congressional representation without the oversight of psychiatric counselors can also be called a "simple oversight," as well.

    • bobbert

      Not so easy to fix, though.

  • sullivanst

    Needz less Oklahoma.

  • Proofreading. How does that work?

    • tessiee

      How the fcuk should I know?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Having worked for a party and event company, and a political campaign, and published books, I figured printing was remarkably unforgiving.

      Monuments, however, have printing beat. Would you think a company that produces these would have a proof reading system?

      I guess they've never heard the cliche "Well, it's not set in stone" (actually should be either "Set in concrete" or "Carved in stone," but that's a whole nother smoke).

      • shelwood46

        In my work over the years in the fire service, we've had a number of monuments//cornerstones carved, along with getting engraved plaques every year. It is remarkable how often they come back with errors. If you make a mistake on the form, it is guaranteed they will follow it to the letter. However, if you turn in a perfect form, they will come up with amazing misspellings, often claiming they couldn't read perfectly legible block printing. What, there isn't a 1 in the middle of "Richard"? No, it's not our policy to call and check…

        • Tundra Grifter

          sw46: A week or so ago I was at the gateway to the site of the Union Stockyards ("The Jungle") is a monument to Chicago firefighters killed in the line of duty. I looked at the names and dates – how very sad to see several clusters of people killed on the same day.

          It was erected by their Union, and apparently only Union firefighters are on it, because across the little square is another monument to the 21 heroes who died in a single fire (I believe in 1910).

          I went back to the first monument and checked – only one name for that date…

  • Goonemeritus

    This is barely on topic, last night I watched PBS’s wonderful documentary on the Dustbowl. My question is how can how can anyone from Oklahoma ever vote Republican again. Also how can Climate deniers make the case that human activity cannot change climate. Woody Guthrie is looking down from socialist heaven weeping.

    • DCBloom

      Saw that last night, too. Guess they don't bother teaching history down there.

    • Pastures of Plenty means plenty of assholes

    • TheGyrus

      Much as evaporation from the Dead Sea causes it to become saltier and saltier over time, a similar thing happened when all the smart Okies left for California, leaving highly concentrated stupidity behind them.

    • T3rbo

      Most people I have met from OK look like small scrawny inbred fucks, I am guessing the regular folk, after about a month of the dust bowl, bailed out. The relatives of the ones that stayed, after FOUR FUCKING YEARS of that nonsense, tearfully look upon their new monument and don't even realize anything is spelled wrong (GOD AIN'T MAKE MISTAKES!)

    • Biff

      I recorded it, please don't spoil the ending!

  • Come here a minute

    Luckily they didn't mess up the one about baring false witness.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Personally, I think we'd all be better off if false witnesses remained fully clothed.

    • bobbert

      As long as there's no baring of my neighbor's ass.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I have several sexy and smart friends from Ok. It always makes me wonder about that state, then I realize all the sexy and smart people leave.

    • Tundra Grifter

      "When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states."

      ~ Will Rogers

      [No offense intended towards your friends – or people who live in Oklahoma or California; I just think it's funny.]

    • T3rbo

      Ha, I just posted teh exact same thing in reply above.
      "Whelp, all that's left are dead jackrabbits, the soil is fucked, my kids are dead, it's still HOT AS FUCK because it's still oklahoma, I live in a half finished dugout, but at least the dust storms stopped. Time to focus on the 10 commandments!"

    • RatPuke

      Present and accounted for! <waves sexily and smartly from San Diego>

      Also: I did NOT vote for the Kreep fella. Just saying.

  • OneDollarJuana

    “It’s a simple oversight and it will be fixed quite easily…” said Ritze.

    So, in the Sooner State it can be fixed later?

  • rocktonsam

    ah yes, 225 years ago, thats when Noah's Ark sailed with the Nina, the Pinto and the Santa Maria.

    good times

  • Ritze is a cracker.

  • memzilla

    O/T, but it seems as if Allen West's recount demand has backfired on him.

    AHAHAHAHAHA! How fitting the recount proves that he's an even bigger loser!

    • snowpointsecret

      He's STILL going to fight on? What the heck can they do now? Not even Rick Scott would be able to spin that thing his way.

    • This can only end with a police standoff in his barricaded Congressional Office and a demand to see Debbie Wasserman-Schultz or else he'll turn the gun on himself. Unfortunately, she will have a scheduling conflict.

      • memzilla

        I don't think the Blazing Saddles "hostage scene" move is gonna work out the way he wants it to…

    • MonkeyBiz

      The fact that he's still fighting must mean that Fox News hasn't come through with a paid contributor offer yet.

    • Steverino247

      It means he's really delusional, is what it means. He really believes things are as he has been saying. It wasn't just to pander for votes, in other words.

      Here's how this ends: The state certifies the vote results and sends Murphy a certificate to that effect which he will present to somebody in order to be sworn in as a congresscritter. West rants and sues, but Murphy goes to Washington anyway.

      I know this isn't as entertaining as watching West scream, "Turn those machines back on!!!" but hey, that's the way it goes.

    • GoodDogThor

      Been holding on to this for awhile. If you listen to Irish Pub Rock on Pandora, you may know the tune (apologies to actual Irish lads and lasses…):

      ♪ The night that Patrick Murphy won is a night I'll never forget
      Allen West shit the bed tho' he ain't conceded yet
      Akin got legitimately raped by Murdock's gift from Dog
      and all of the Wonkers celebrated, they ain't been sober yet… ♫

  • tessiee

    Sorry, this Ritze cracker is NOT an acceptable substitute for twinkies.

  • glasspusher

    I have a good, liberal friend in Oklahoma…he clearly is able to deal with the stupid. I guess I would just make it a game…

  • 4. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

    • Guppy

      Does internet porn count?

  • tessiee

    I think to be capable of humiliation, you have to have both self-awareness and some decent sense of shame.

  • tessiee

    Oh, give Ritze a break.
    He can't spell his own name right; do you really expect him to get a long word like "Sabbath"?

    • chicken_thief

      How does he spell it? M-y-k-e?

  • Allmighty_Manos

    "We tried to make it as much of an Oklahoma-product as possible."

    One of Rep. Ritze's more accurate statements.

  • Botlrokit

    I am still in awe of the person who originally pointed out the irony of Christians making over a graven image of the Rules — that explicitly tell them not to. Whichever Wonketter you are, you're awesome.

  • where's cally? can't think of another posting that more deserves cally treatment.

  • a_pink_poodle

    Bl… blood libel?

    • HistoriCat

      No no no – say it like you mean it :

      BLOOD LIBEL!!1!

      • a_pink_poodle

        I wasn't sure if this counted I- BLOOD LIBEL!!!!

        • HistoriCat

          Well, maybe not – but that's never stopped us before.

  • proudgrampa

    Ritze is an esshole.

  • barto

    They probably left off the eleventh commandment as well:

    "Thou shalt not becoma a scoliast, moran."

  • ttommyunger

    Jesus wapt.

  • MissTaken

    The monument company just used the original derp spelling of Sabbath.

  • That's nothing. Who wants to see my flaming bush?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Christine O'Donnell libel!

    • Esteev

      But does your snake speak?

    • Biff

      They make a salve for that now.

  • Tundra Grifter

    We are beginning to suffer the consequences from a generation raised with computer and word processing SpelChek.

  • BoroPrimorac

    Give me my fucking independance.

  • NW_Pinko

    Juje note yeast yee be jujed

  • Esteev

    Their are no editors.

  • ph7

    Isn't Ritze the guy who did not want Oklahoma to realize the sun doesn't go down, It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round?

    • PennyDreadful

      No, that's Wayne.

  • T3rbo

    We should definitely not do this

  • TribecaMike

    How dare the government tell me not to covet my neighbor's ass. Freeheehawdom!

  • T3rbo


  • Nostrildamus

    Excellent. Obama's mind control program is working as planned!!!

  • MadBrahms

    Oh, sure, it had to be a black Sabbeth.

  • BZ1

    They do know that all those 10 Commandment tablets that appeared all over the US were the product of Cecil B. De Mille's promotional campaign for the movie of the same name. No? well, move along…

  • owhatever

    His fingernails ain't never looked so clean.

  • rebeccavegas

    Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to covet my neighbor's house, field, manservant, maidservant, ox, or his ass?

  • "Remember the Sabbath day, by reminding yourself that the Sabbath day is a good day to take a bath."

  • MLite

    Jesus Christ. Just. Jesus Christ. That is all.

  • rickmaci

    "I am the Lord OMG."

  • Negropolis

    Mike Ritze, current head of the Department of Forced Religion for the ruling Oklahoma Military Junta

    This is a description of immeasurable beauty.

  • Cheburashka64

    I blame Country Music. My Jr high metal phase didn't teach me much, but it did teach me how to spell Sabbath.

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