PART 12: OH WHAT A LOVELY WAR  11:00 am November 18, 2012

Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook To Make The World Safe For Theocracy

by Doktor Zoom

Beast Jesus is kind of modernist, maybeWelcome to the 20th Century, time tourists! Our 10th-grade textbook for homeschoolers, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, would like to remind you that while science and technology are developing like crazy in this new century, the world remains a very very sinful place that has unaccountably failed to adhere to the unchanging norms of Biblical Christianity, at least as they are defined by textbook publishers in Pensacola Florida in 1997:

Civilization had progressed so far by the beginning of the 20th century that it seemed the world could only get better and better. Little did people realize that on the horizon loomed two of the greatest wars the world had ever known.

“Foolish Hu-mans!” you can almost hear the editors laughing.

And of course, we all know why Europe stumbled into World War I: the tangled alliances, nationalist desires, and conflicting aspirations of the leaders, combined with a technological and economic sophistication that made war far more deadly than anyone could have imagined, right? Well, sure, that stuff entered into it, of course, but there were also bigger forces at work, you see:

the tensions caused by two centuries of anti-Biblical philosophies had set Europe on a seemingly uncontrollable course toward war. Strong feelings of revolutionary nationalism, the result of spiritual decay, caused some European powers to seek the annexation of areas inhabited by people of their own nationality.

Go, o soldier and fulfill your duty! Christ, the Good Shepherd watches His flocks. Thy Kingdom come, thy Will be done, on earth as it is in heavenTo make matters worse, Germany was not only expansionist and well-armed, but

“Many German people had by this time rejected all but an empty form of their Christian heritage and had accepted modernism almost without question. The vacuum created by this rejection of true Christianity was destined to bring terror and destruction to Germany.”

As the patriotic postcard to the right suggests, many Germans were also so completely deluded as to think that Jesus would bless their soldiers on the way to the front! They were apparently unaware of just how hollow their faith actually was.*

Unable or unwilling to sustain this nonsense about spiritual decline beyond these passages on the prelude to the Great War, the textbook then settles into a pretty accurate narrative of the war’s events, leaders, and tactics. It’s almost as if they handed that section off to, like, a historian or something, but forgot to pass along the memo about the necessity of moralizing on every turn of events.

You will also search in vain for any mention of the single most Christian moment of the war, the “Christmas Truce” of 1914, when British and German troops in many places along the Western Front spontaneously stopped fighting, came out of their trenches, and exchanged gifts and sang Christmas carols together. They even played enthusiatic games of “foot-the-ball” and shared their rations with each other. Talk about an inspiring tribute to the Prince of Peace! But of course, it was unauthorized, a spontaneous application of basic human decency by soldiers acting without guidance from the higher-ups — and the officer corps on both sides took pains to prevent it from happening again. No doubt if the event did make it into the textbook, it would be an example of rebellious free-thinking in defiance of Godly authority. (If accounts of the spontaneous truce can bring a tear to an atheist’s eye, then it couldn’t possibly have been a good thing, now could it?)

Once the war is over, preaching takes over the historical reins. We learn that the “most profound effect of World War I was its impact on the spirit of mankind”:

Before the Great War, people believed in the inevitability of human progress and the triumph of Western civilization. The war shattered this idea, and instead clearly illustrated how false the concept of “continual human perfection” was. The only explanation for the horrors of World War I was the Biblical doctrine of man’s sinful, depraved nature, and the only solution was in Biblical Christianity.

The weird thing is that we kind of agree with part of this analysis, a little, because back in our undergrad days we watched Robert Hughes’ brilliant TV series on modern art, The Shock of the New, which focuses more on the secular and creative aspects of that disillusionment, and makes the argument far more convincingly, not to mention entertainingly. We read the book, too.

In any case, we learn not merely that the only possible solution to the horrors of war was “Biblical Christianity,” but that humanity foolishly pursued political approaches instead, because of the whole depravity thing. Woodrow Wilson — in this textbook merely the ineffectual proponent of the failed “14 Points,” not the GlennBeckian archfiend of Progressivism — was a big dope who was “convinced that peace could be attained through human efforts” and gave us the League of Nations, which “looked like the final solution [yes, they went there] to world peace” but would merely

become just one more of man’s futile attempts to impose peace on people whose hearts are at war with each other.

Even with the tut-tutting about how human attempts to bring peace are inevitably futile, the editors’ hearts don’t really seem to be in it here; it’s as if they had themselves a good righteous rage against communism and were left tuckered out, with little to sustain them as they build up steam for the task of taking down Freud, Bertrand Russell, John Dewey, John Maynard Keynes, and other nasty 20th-Century liberals in the next chapter.

* We think that “spiritual decay” is, for this textbook, something like “toxins” for fans of alternative medicine: It’s a vaguely-defined Seriously Bad Thing that they are completely sure is causing systemic damage, even though it can’t be explicitly identified, and it can only be gotten rid of by a good purge.

Next Week: “20th-Century Liberalism: Retreat from Authority and Responsibility.” Yes, that is literally the chapter title.

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if you don’t think it’s too long a way to Tipperary, Doktor Zoom is on Twitter too.

 
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{ 224 comments }

AlterNewt November 18, 2012 at 11:05 am

Christ Toothpaste: Fights spiritual decay!

thatsitfortheother1 November 18, 2012 at 11:22 am

Jeezus Chicken.

It's only made of chicken assholes. When people get their meal they say "JEEZUS!"

memzilla November 18, 2012 at 11:31 am

Now WITHOUT FLUORIDE! Because not in the Bible. Or Wichita.

JustPixelz November 18, 2012 at 11:34 am

Whitens teeth and congregations.

weejee November 18, 2012 at 12:06 pm
WhatTheHeck November 18, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I fight spiritual decay by using the special, real American, whitening formula.

actor212 November 18, 2012 at 1:33 pm

With the miracle ingredient, Fraudulin!

Maman November 18, 2012 at 11:11 am

You know who else liked a good purge?

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 11:23 am
MUHAMMED_PBUH November 18, 2012 at 11:26 am

The Florida Elections Commission?

Pat_Pending November 18, 2012 at 11:27 am

without naming names, Jews are clearly a toxin.

Misty Malarky November 18, 2012 at 11:28 am

Karen Carpenter?

Too soon?

Doktor Zoom November 18, 2012 at 11:38 am

Never… and always

FlipFlopFuck November 18, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Awesome Dok…"wholesome is out."
If only Karen had ate her bible.
Quaaludes!

Fairtackle November 18, 2012 at 2:01 pm

This is why I love Wonkette. Sick bastards.

memzilla November 18, 2012 at 11:29 am

Colin Ostomy?

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 9:18 pm

He was great in The Sixth Sense.

TheGyrus November 18, 2012 at 11:53 am

Rubin T. ExLax?

mrpuma2u November 18, 2012 at 11:56 am

Mr N. M. Ma?

FlipFlopFuck November 18, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Ioseb Besarionis dze Dzhugashvili?

Mumbletypeg November 18, 2012 at 12:36 pm
tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:57 pm

The Olson twins?

bobbert November 18, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Apparently, Frieda Frozentwat ((c) EQ 2012)

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Hermann Göring after binging on Papa John's pizza?

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Every supermodel ever?

LionHeartSoyDog November 19, 2012 at 1:58 am

Bloody Zionist, Anal Netanyahu?

WIDTAP November 19, 2012 at 8:27 am

Anthony Hopkins as Harvey Kellogg in "Road to Wellville"?

memzilla November 18, 2012 at 11:18 am

I keep hearing this term "spiritual decay." Is that like radioactivity? So what is the half-life of a spirit, anyway?

(Yes, the answer is .5 liter).

thatsitfortheother1 November 18, 2012 at 11:23 am

2/5 of a quart.

memzilla November 18, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Thank you for converting godless scientific heathen metric measurements into Jeebus Units.

thatsitfortheother1 November 19, 2012 at 2:33 am

It's how I roll.

FlownOver November 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Twelve parsecs.

Mittens Howell, III November 18, 2012 at 11:20 am

"And of course, we all know why Europe stumbled into World War I:"

Obama gifts?

memzilla November 18, 2012 at 11:25 am

Free Obama telegraphs? A chicken in every Pickelhaube?

Mittens Howell, III November 18, 2012 at 11:39 am

A battery in every Pickelhaube?

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 11:26 am

Free Birth Control?

FlipFlopFuck November 18, 2012 at 12:22 pm

The Somme was a form of birth control.

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Ypres. Also too.

Doktor Zoom November 18, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Get a brain, Marne!

SunburntCounsel November 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I'm 100% certain it had something to do with Archie Duke and an ostrich.

Dudleydidwrong November 18, 2012 at 11:20 am

The horrors of World War I were a severe slap in the face of Western nations. But did the crew of "writers" consider that all of the nations that got things going were so-called Christian nations? "If it ain't our brand of Christianity, it ain't worth havin'."

memzilla November 18, 2012 at 11:28 am

Pizza Box Christianity: "You've prayed the rest, now pray the best."

Misty Malarky November 18, 2012 at 11:30 am

GOD HATES FLAGS

PubOption November 18, 2012 at 11:33 am

If the Catholics are bad, I suspect the Eastern Orthodox are even worse.

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Truly, the Eastern Orthodox of the Sufis of Christianity.

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 11:20 am

"Empty forms" of Christianity are easier to fill in, and don't for a moment think that the folks writing this textbook didn't benefit from Martin Luther either. So there.

One_Man_Band November 18, 2012 at 11:22 am

Modern art!? Art should only consist of naked, fat baby Jeebuses. And maybe an occasional fat baby angel with some wings and a piece of cloth artfully hiding their naughty bits as they fly around. But that's all.

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 11:39 am

Jesse Helms?

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 12:05 pm

The cherubims are putti in our hands.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I always wondered about that. If angels are the souls of dead people after they go to heaven, cherubs are… dead babbies?

BerkeleyBear November 18, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Nah, totally different ideas. The cherubim and seraphim are different species than humans, and it was only fucked up Renaissance artists who decided to turn the "awesome" lesser choir of angels (in the sense of God's kickass minions) into soft little chubby boys.

I really have no idea where the humans becoming angels bullshit started, but it ain't in the Bible. Same place as the intercession of saints I'm guessing as yet another way of trying to jazz up the idea of an eternal life without any of the fun stuff like lust, gluttony, sloth, etc.

MosesInvests November 18, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Cherubim are actually sphinxes, or griffins. They were guardian spirits in ancient Middle Eastern mythology.

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 11:21 pm

The description of cherubim and seraphim in the bible are just awesome. Tons of wings, many faces, animal parts…something straight out of science fiction.

BZ1 November 18, 2012 at 11:23 am

Here all along I thought it was the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, it was really all about anti-bible factions?

dennis1943 November 18, 2012 at 1:53 pm

That was only a footnote to the REAL story………..

bobbert November 18, 2012 at 5:46 pm

And now you know ……. teh REST of the story.

Mumbletypeg November 18, 2012 at 11:23 am

These cakes… (*regards photo*)… I like!!

memzilla November 18, 2012 at 11:23 am

Hmm. Is there any connection between "spiritual decay" and the fact that most of the larger wine-bottle sizes have Biblically-related names?

thatsitfortheother1 November 18, 2012 at 11:30 am

Such as "A Gaddamn Big Bottle"?

memzilla November 18, 2012 at 11:32 am

Or, "Holy S**t! You drank the whole bottle?"

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Drank or suckled?

FeloniousMonk November 18, 2012 at 12:36 pm

According to the link, " the quality of larger bottles are relatively inferior". So, yes: more spiritual, more decay.

Lascauxcaveman November 18, 2012 at 12:43 pm

But it warms the cockels of my post-Xtian heart that for my annual Xmas party I can buy stonking big bottles of wine named for my two favorite wise men, Balthazar (12 liters) and Melchior (18 liters!)

Sparky November 18, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Rather a lot like the hierarchy of the Roman Catholic church.

sewollef November 19, 2012 at 8:53 am

When I was a kid back in the olde country [around 11-years-old], I thought The Catholic Church and the Roman Catholic Church were two different teams. One of 'em dour, choir-boy molesting English catholics and the other, Italian ragazzo del coro molesting catholics.

A bit like Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid in football [soccer to you American heathens].

Dudleydidwrong November 18, 2012 at 12:42 pm

"Thou art a drunk forever, after the Order of Melchizedek"

bobbert November 18, 2012 at 5:48 pm

You mean "Jeroboam", "Rehoboam", and "Jesus Fucking Christ, that's a big motherfucking bottle"?

ManchuCandidate November 18, 2012 at 11:25 am

So Xtians, the machine gun… the product of the debil or Jeebus?

JustPixelz November 18, 2012 at 11:33 am

depends on where it's pointing

memzilla November 18, 2012 at 11:33 am

Jeebus. Just ask Saint Lewis, Saint Maxim, or Saint Gatling.

MUHAMMED_PBUH November 18, 2012 at 11:34 am

"Through the auspices of the gun, man is relieved of responsibilities-placing his faith in sister machine gun, brother bomb." – Jim Marcus

MUHAMMED_PBUH November 18, 2012 at 11:38 am

incidentally, Jim Marcus is also the inventor of a device called the "fucksaw"

FlipFlopFuck November 18, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Don't even get me started on skullfucking.

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 11:27 am

I refuse to accept any of this until I can see it diagrammed on Glenn Beck's blackboard.

Mittens Howell, III November 18, 2012 at 11:29 am

"They even played enthusiatic games of “foot-the-ball” Jesus highly encouraged foot and testicle play as a way of expressing love for your fellow man.

Mittens Howell, III November 18, 2012 at 11:30 am

What's with the sad Dennis Miller cake?

Mumbletypeg November 18, 2012 at 11:32 am

The only worse scenario I can imagine next to being trapped in a course utilizing these Beka™-brand comedy-of-terrors is that one evangelical choir singer I once had pointed out to me at a church service — had his own dental practice, I was told, and as I watched him sing into his odd pastel-colored, ice-cream-cone shaped microphone, my companion further added "Yeah, he sings to his patients as he works on them!"
Which could be slightly less agonizing than being preached to while being mandibly tortured by this Dr. StrangeChristian, I supposed, but not by much.

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 11:46 am

♫♪ Is It Safe?♪♫

shelwood46 November 18, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Marathon Man remake!

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 1:01 pm

"his odd pastel-colored, ice-cream-cone shaped microphone"

It's even worse than you suspected.
That was his vibrator.

PubOption November 18, 2012 at 11:36 am

I assume that chlorine, mustard gas and phosphorus were evil as products of godless science, and not because of their aplication.

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 11:56 am

I wonder how Christy Mathewson would weigh in about that.

JustPixelz November 18, 2012 at 11:38 am

As the patriotic postcard to the right suggests, many Germans were also so completely deluded as to think that Jesus would bless their soldiers on the way to the front!

Regarding the illustration of Jesus standing next to a cross: I can't believe he fell for it again.

Napoleon said: God favors the side with the best artillery. (I learned that from playing Modern Warfare 2 on XBOX — who says those games are a waste of time.)

Pretty sure Jesus wasn't blessing so much as he was saying "hasta luego".

Guppy November 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"Do unto others (with counterbattery fire)…"

JohnnyQuick November 18, 2012 at 11:38 am

When we get to the 30s, I'm betting that all of the Catholic right-wing dictators of Europe (Hitler, Mussolini, Franco) are going to be referred to as atheists. Because while the people who wrote this are no friend of Johnny Pope, they want to be damn sure that the 'greatest evil of all time' gets blamed on those who would dare not fear God-man.

Lot_49 November 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm

And yet the good Lutheran and Catholic soldiers of Herr Hitler's armies were bravely fighting Godless, atheistic communism. How could they possibly have been defeated? And how was it that the greatest battles of Dubya-Dubya Two were fought on the Eastern Front? And that it was old Joe Stalin who defeated Fascism, not Patton and Eisenhower?

Oh, sorry, I forgot we're not supposed to say that.

malsperanza November 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Hitler abandoned Catholicism pretty early on, although that didn't stop the Vatican and a lot of Catholics in southern Germany and Austria (and Italy, and Poland until oops) from enthusiastically getting with the program. Toward the end, he was thinking of jettisoning Christianity on the grounds that Jesus was a Jew, so that wasn't gonna work. He had some idea about reviving the Germanic gods. This proves that atheism, polytheism, and dingbat invented religions are all forms of Nazism. Hey, they dint name it GOD-WINS law by accident, ya know.

MosesInvests November 18, 2012 at 5:47 pm

The good Catholics of Lithuania massacred almost all the Jews there (including a bunch of my relatives), and the puppet government of Croatia was fully supported by the Bishop of Zagreb and priests served as cabinet ministers.

glamourdammerung November 18, 2012 at 6:25 pm

And then there is the whole pesky issue of the Catholic Church having so many people involved in helping those poor, persecuted Nazis get to South America.

JohnnyQuick November 18, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I had relatives in the same area, and I think they died. Basically, my grandmother had been writing them, and then at a certain point she got no responses.

Fairtackle November 18, 2012 at 11:39 am

The only explanation for the horrors of World War I was the Biblical doctrine of man’s sinful, depraved nature, and the only solution was in Biblical Christianity.

Because nothing says "world peace" like religious absolutism …

Defeatably_Joe November 19, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Not to mention that Biblical doctrine is perhaps not the shining counter example for "the horrors of war":

Then the Lord said to Joshua, “Hold out toward Ai the javelin that is in your hand, for into your hand I will deliver the city.” So Joshua held out toward the city the javelin that was in his hand. As soon as he did this, the men in the ambush rose quickly from their position and rushed forward. They entered the city and captured it and quickly set it on fire.
The men of Ai looked back and saw the smoke of the city rising up into the sky, but they had no chance to escape in any direction; the Israelites who had been fleeing toward the wilderness had turned back against their pursuers. For when Joshua and all Israel saw that the ambush had taken the city and that smoke was going up from it, they turned around and attacked the men of Ai. Those in the ambush also came out of the city against them, so that they were caught in the middle, with Israelites on both sides. Israel cut them down, leaving them neither survivors nor fugitives. But they took the king of Ai alive and brought him to Joshua.

When Israel had finished killing all the men of Ai in the fields and in the wilderness where they had chased them, and when every one of them had been put to the sword, all the Israelites returned to Ai and killed those who were in it. Twelve thousand men and women fell that day—all the people of Ai.

–Joshua 18-25

memzilla November 18, 2012 at 11:40 am

… back in our undergrad days we watched Robert Hughes’ brilliant TV series on modern art, The Shock of the New…

Say, you know who really hated Modern Art… ?

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 11:50 am

Jesse?

He don't like it.

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

"I like this one. The V-2 rockets are just the right height." http://www.boingboing.net/filesroot/swhitlerbocks

bobbert November 18, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Lord Vetinari?

redarmyzombie November 18, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Savonarola?

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 9:19 pm

That name always makes me think of wasabi.

Mittens Howell, III November 18, 2012 at 11:43 am

I can't wait for the chapter on Maynard G. Krebs.

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I heard he rode a cycle.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 1:02 pm

You might be thinking of Billy Joel.

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Sometimes I do. I enjoy playing "Vienna" on my guitar every once in a while.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Citric_acid_cycle

bobbert November 18, 2012 at 5:53 pm

That's the weirdest tabs I've ever seen.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Shouldn't you be calling him "Gilligan"?

deanbooth November 18, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Werk!

deanbooth November 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Dobie Gillis came up last weekend: The announcer for the Ohio State game on ESPN was a woman. I got nothing against that, of course; she was fine, yada, yada. I mentioned to Mrs. deanbooth that she sounded like Dobie Gillis's girlfriend. Mrs. deanbooth is too young or TV-sheltered to understand.

Who can explain why such a TV show made such a lasting impression on 7 year-old me?

bikerlaureate November 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Because the writing didn't treat the viewers like they were 7, and on Thorazine.

WIDTAP November 19, 2012 at 8:31 am

But to be fair, most 7-year-old today are on thorazine or ritalin.

eggsacklywright November 19, 2012 at 6:31 am

Zelda!

Doktor Zoom November 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Get thee to a bookstore and read Tom Carson's absolutely brilliant Gilligans Wake, a metafictional tour de force that reimagines the lives of the castaways into something rich and strange. It is simply one of the funniest, smartest, strangest books I've ever read.

(The Skipper reminisces about his days as a PT Boat captain, and his run-in with that grandstanding Kennedy kid… Lovey Howell remembers shooting heroin with Daisy Buchanan… Ginger was a sex toy for the Rat Pack.. And the Professor is a sort of CSM from the X-files, secretly behind any number of world events. And the whole thing may be the fever dream of one MG Krebs, confined to a psych ward)

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 11:44 am

One sure signifier of the depths of the spiritual decay of European civilization at that time is the appalling Degenerate Art that was produced.

JustPixelz November 18, 2012 at 11:46 am

"The vacuum created by this rejection of true Christianity was destined to bring terror and destruction to Germany."

But not before it brought terror and destruction to das Juden who are notoriously not Christians. But from the Christianist perspective, WWII happily led to creation of modern Israel which they lurve because it hastens the day when all the non-believers get disintegrated.

Blueb4sinrise November 18, 2012 at 11:50 am

Kingdom Cum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If whole kingdoms had cum, probably a lot of war could have been prevented.

mrpuma2u November 18, 2012 at 11:58 am

Make lust not war.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Or at least they would have had more cannon fodder.

An_Outhouse November 18, 2012 at 11:51 am

"two centuries of anti-Biblical philosophies "

We're looking at you, Martin Luther.

An_Outhouse November 18, 2012 at 11:52 am

It doesn't sound like a Great War to me.

The_Lucky_Wife November 18, 2012 at 12:03 pm

My grandma called it The First War, as it was the first she remembered, and to her, there was nothing great about losing her only brother because of the war. Of course, she called WWII The Second War, and had to endure her only son going away to fight that war. He came home, but she never did see anything great about war.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 1:03 pm

It was OK, not great.

PubOption November 18, 2012 at 4:18 pm

For those involved, it was pretty dire.

Ground Zero Mostel November 18, 2012 at 11:55 am

Really, those Europeans though God was on their side? Everybody knows he's on Team America. Because exceptionalism.

Designer_Rants November 18, 2012 at 12:35 pm

FUCK YEAH!

Tommmcatt_Again November 18, 2012 at 12:54 pm

If God's on Team America, where does that leave Isreal and Vatican City?

We've been double-teamed by God!!!!!!!

southernboyman November 18, 2012 at 11:58 am

Someone left that cake out in the rain.

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I don't think that I can take it, 'cause it took so long to bake it.

Dudleydidwrong November 18, 2012 at 12:45 pm

And I'll never have that recipe again — thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster

FeloniousMonk November 18, 2012 at 12:52 pm

We shall never see Richard Harris's like again. The Grimethorpe Colliery Band's version is pretty good.

zyxomma November 19, 2012 at 12:16 am

Perhaps that's true, but Jim(my) Webb wrote it. I saw Webb attempt to perform MacArthur Park on a talk show. He screwed up and started over. Didn't stop him from writing hit after hit (5th Dimension, Glenn Campbell, Linda Ronstadt, many more)

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Like a stripe-ed pair of pants.

The_Lucky_Wife November 18, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Oh goody! We are nearing the Great Depression and New Deal years. I can't wait for this textbook to explain how FDR was a godless commie who not only destroyed any attempt for the free market to correct itself after the stock market crash in 1929, he is somehow responsible for WWII. OK, I'm sure they will blame Hitler, but he will morph into a godless commie, in spite of being a Christianist who hated commies. The point will be that godless commies started WWII because they couldn't fix the economy fast enough during the Great Depression.

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 12:21 pm

They probably blame the Panic of 1857 on FDR as well.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Well, him and Obama.

Dudleydidwrong November 18, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Aw, you musta read ahead in your textbook. Brown nose!

The_Lucky_Wife November 18, 2012 at 12:51 pm

No, I live in South Carolina, where many Christianists live. As bad as FDR was, to them, Obama is worse. When they update the book to include the Obama presidency, THAT would be the best part.

Doktor Zoom November 19, 2012 at 12:22 am

Sadly, the third edition (2010) says nothing more about Barack Obama beyond noting that he was elected in 2008 and is the first black POTUS.

The_Lucky_Wife November 19, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Disappointing. Maybe they were praying for Obama to be a one term president.

finallyhappy November 18, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Saw Hyde Park on Hudson last night- FDR was quite the guy!!!

PubOption November 18, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Dok, I would be interested to know Beka Books opinion of General Douglas Haig. Haig as the Butcher of the Somme appears in most conventional and/or leftist narrative, but there is an alternative version which claims that he was only using the resources available, and if he had 19,000 fewer resources at the end of the first day, so be it.

weejee November 18, 2012 at 12:11 pm

two centuries of anti-Biblical philosophies had set Europe on a seemingly uncontrollable course toward war

OFFS !! Except for a few weeks really, here and there, Europe has been at war since the Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons were making with the shoot-out at the OK Corral er Chorale Cave. With rocks too, not with f*ing votes.

deanbooth November 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Let 'em all go to Hell. Except cave 76.

Doktor Zoom November 18, 2012 at 2:07 pm

We cannot allow a mineshaft gap.

Designer_Rants November 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

That cake is so awesome. My wife is a good cake decorator, she could pull that off. But then most people who saw it would just think she's a bad cake decorator.

not that Dewey November 18, 2012 at 1:03 pm

She'd have to do some kind of A/B comparison, so people would get the joke. And possibly include the inspiration for cake A.

Only slightly OT: the chain grocery stores have finally wised up to cakewrecks.com, and no longer allow photography of their "copyrighted cakes".

Designer_Rants November 18, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I like the "R.I.P." that looks like a skeletal cockandballs.

malsperanza November 18, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I envision enraged minimum-wage bakery-counter staff chasing their own customers with cake knives to confiscate their cell-phone photos. It's called Customer Service, foo!

Not to mention that the copyright on the cake makes it an infringement to create a copy of that cake, but the copyright on the photo of the cake doesn't belong to the store; it belongs to the photographer. Yay for unenforcible and incoherent copyright law, brought to you by the free market and Rep. Sonny Bono (R-Tree).

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 12:46 pm

As proponents of "intelligent design" might counter, the complexity of a Luger P08 pistol implies a designer.

ttommyunger November 18, 2012 at 1:40 pm

No finer example of art, function, craftmanship and beauty than a pre-war '08. I've never owned one, 'cause they're not a practical weapon, but I admire them immensely.

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 2:24 pm

No wonder its one of the most counterfeited weapons.

ttommyunger November 18, 2012 at 2:29 pm

And they don't hold a candle to the original. One can tell immediately just by the feel of in ones hand.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Oh, thanks.
I may never masturbate OR eat cake again.
Thanks a bunch, guys.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:52 pm

"And of course, we all know why Europe stumbled into World War I: the tangled alliances, nationalist desires, and conflicting aspirations of the leaders, combined with a technological and economic sophistication that made war far more deadly than anyone could have imagined, right? Well, sure, that stuff entered into it, of course, but there were also bigger forces at work"

Homer: Oh, no! This isn't about Jesus, is it?
Reverend Lovejoy: EVERYTHING is about Jesus.

MISTAHCOUGHDROP November 18, 2012 at 12:52 pm

the problem of belief is inevitably tied up in the problem "believe me" and "you don't believe me" and "believe me or else" and of course "bitter clingers and their guns." this extends not to hillbillies and those who love them, but also to anyone who has never sat down on the kybo and had a good long read of calvin and hobbes. just sayin' ..

MiniMencken November 18, 2012 at 12:53 pm

The Ottoman Empire entered the Great War on the side of the Central Powers. How does that get worked into this narrative?

memzilla November 18, 2012 at 1:04 pm

They lay the Ottomans at the feet of the armchair generals.

not that Dewey November 18, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Bertrand Russell, John Dewey, and John Maynard Keynes, all in the same chapter? I think I just Romneyed in my pants a little bit, from the excitement and anticipation.

FlipFlopFuck November 18, 2012 at 1:12 pm

not that Dewey!

not that Dewey November 18, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I KNOW! Just look at this flipflopfuckin book title. May as well have been written by Satan himself.

weejee November 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Doktor Zoom November 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Not that Dewey.

not that Dewey November 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

It's exceptionally rare that the right one comes up on the first try.

Schmegeg November 18, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I guess they can't say anything bad about militarism, judging from the fact they are all probably neocons.

deanbooth November 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Oh, I thought you meant

Mutant X, Season 1, Episode 1: The Shock of the New
A mutant empath on the run from mysterious government agents is rescued by a team of fellow "New Mutants" – the group known as Mutant X.

This was the result of WWI, too, I think.

Guppy November 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm

two of the greatest wars the world had ever known

OK, I'm stumped: the War on Christmas and what else?

actor212 November 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Silly…the great homosexual war on marriage!

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 2:15 pm

It would have to be the War on Breitbart, no?

actor212 November 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Mmmm, face cake!

actor212 November 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

“20th-Century Liberalism: Retreat from Authority and Responsibility.” Yes, that is literally the chapter title.

Hang on…how is it possible to create both a nanny state and a retreat from authority???

Redgyal November 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Effective use of the word purge.

weejee November 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm

But where is the discussion that the false profit Commie Jebus is behind Agenda 21 and the Nobama-UN enslavement of America?

Lot_49 November 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm

What about Freud, Marx and Einstein, those three Jews who ruined everything? Honestly, you'd think editors of this book didn't rally understand what made the 20th Century the bloodiest and most awesomely uncertain century of all!

BTW: did the entire NYT crossword today, with no Googling or other intellectual prostheses. Here's a hint: 115 Across is "saucier."

Doktor Zoom November 18, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Dude, we spent the last three weeks on Marx. Freud and his "pseudoscience" (you just gotta love creationists using that word!) is up next week. Einstein, oddly enough, gets a free pass, as we have evidently found one of the few fundie publishers that can tell the difference between "relativity" and "relativism." (Plus he helped the USA get the Bomb, so he's a good guy)

actor212 November 19, 2012 at 7:14 am

In fairness, you mention "relativity" to a Fundie and they start thinking they're getting married again

FeloniousMonk November 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

They were only playing leapfrog, bless* them all.

*ID now takes exception to a certain four-letter word promoted by Country Joe. Either that, or it doesn't like the abbreviation "'em".

Doktor Zoom November 18, 2012 at 2:00 pm

OK, that inspired me to finally put "Oh What A Lovely War" into my netflix queue.

ttommyunger November 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm

As weird as this may seem, Rightards would easily believe that painting it they were told the troops were IDF marching into Gaza.

bobbert November 18, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Not enuff APCs

ttommyunger November 18, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Or tanks.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

Joshua Norton November 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

become just one more of man’s futile attempts to impose peace on people whose hearts are at war with each other.

Well, that little tidbit sure sucks the stained glass out of the windows.

not that Dewey November 18, 2012 at 1:55 pm

So, Liberalism is simultaneously a Retreat from Authority AND the Greatest Tyrannical Force Ever Known?

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 4:23 pm

We're funny that way.

BlueStateLibel November 18, 2012 at 6:28 pm

The GOP has apparently become the official Quantum Physics Party and now routinely change positions depending on what side of the argument they're on. Expect this to continue far into the future.

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Deepak Chopra 2016?

Katydid November 18, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Bob Dylan:

In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.

So now as I'm leavin'
I'm weary as Hell
The confusion I'm feelin'
Ain't no tongue can tell
The words fill my head
And fall to the floor
If God's on our side
He'll stop the next war

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 8:47 pm

I got a big kick out of what Dylan said last month in Rolling Stone about charges of plagiarism:

"Wussies and pussies complain about that stuff. It’s an old thing — it’s part of the tradition. It goes way back. These are the same people that tried to pin the name Judas on me. Judas, the most hated name in human history! If you think you’ve been called a bad name, try to work your way out from under that. Yeah, and for what? For playing an electric guitar? As if that is in some kind of way equitable to betraying our Lord and delivering him up to be crucified. All those evil motherfuckers can rot in hell."

YasserArraFeck November 19, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Speaking of Rolling Stone, I feel moved to drop a quote from the Rolling Stones, because (i) I'm on a Stones kick right now, (ii) whatever, and (iii) also:
I stuck around St. Petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain
I rode a tank
Held a general's rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made
I shouted out,
"Who killed the Kennedys?"
When after all
It was you and me

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I'm sorry, but I feel compelled to link to A Bit of the Old Ludwig Van, just for the Chorus Line Jesus motif.

azeyote November 18, 2012 at 3:01 pm

for christs sake give me another beer

Chichikovovich November 18, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Many German people had by this time rejected all but an empty form of their Christian heritage

And even worse: many German people weren't Christians at all! The textbook writers are no doubt happy that the problem of those people was finally solved.

bobbert November 18, 2012 at 6:02 pm

I see what you did with your tense and part of speech modification there.

GeneralLerong November 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

That cake is really supposed to be Christ, instead of…oh, I dunno…a cheerful Cro-Magnon?

[one minute later] Googled "Jesus Cake." You should do that, too.

Doktor Zoom November 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Also search "beast jesus" (Or, OK, just read this)

GeneralLerong November 18, 2012 at 6:37 pm

I need to start hanging out at livelier internet bars, 'cause I missed this truly hilarious story. Thanks!

poorgradstudent November 18, 2012 at 4:06 pm

The whole Augustinian idea of "original sin" always struck me as bizarre, especially when you try to apply it to social issues and politics. If the innate nature of everyone, even the saved, is irredeemably corrupt, then what's the point of doing anything except resign yourself to a lifetime of solitude, fasting, and prayer like a very old-school monastic? Sure, you can talk about "following Scripture" in your political doings, but even then your interpretations of God's word might be tainted. And yet it's secular humanism that's supposed to be nihilistic?

I like how Michael Grant puts it in his (highly recommended by me!) Fall of the Roman Empire: "It is true that [Pelagius] disliked the current spiritual inertia, and perhaps the whole social system that lay behind it, so much that he even spoke warmly in favour of monasticism. Nevertheless, his doctrine of the will at least wanted people to try. Augustine's philosophy, on the other hand, led to fatalism."

Anyway, it's why, despite things like Bob Jones University, I genuinely feel bad for people who grew up with Calvinist theology. If only Pelagius had been the better writer…

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 11:42 pm

If you ever have the pleasure of traveling the hinterlands of Grand Rapids, you'll see the physical manifestation of the living dullness that is Calvinism. I have a very strange admiration of it, as I believe it to be far more accurate and honest attempt at the original teachines of the New Testament, particularly as opposed to the Southern "Gospel of Wealth" bullshit. But ,goddamned if this stripped-down version of Christianity isn't boring, drab and fatalistic as all hell. I'm just glad that the Dutch back in the Netherlands evolved into a nation with more color than their brethren back here in the states.

decentcitizen November 18, 2012 at 5:46 pm

What's the point in home schooling if you can't teach your kids the fucked up things you believe?

Isyaignert November 19, 2012 at 1:02 am

Fukked-up-ness begats fukked-up-ness. And thus, began the bagatting. Fuk.

decentcitizen November 19, 2012 at 1:43 am

If you ask me, this is the true "original sin" . You burden your children with the same morally compromised, emotionally convenient "reasoning" that has been your personal crutch for your all your inadequacies, and applaud as they go on to create amazing portraits of Obama setting fire to the original draft of the Constitution.

Barrelhse November 18, 2012 at 6:55 pm

And Jesus said: "Do this in remembrance of me- eat cake."

MosesInvests November 18, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Cake-or death?!

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Rebooted Marie Antoinette: "Let them eat Jesus-cake." Harrumph.

Isyaignert November 19, 2012 at 1:04 am

Are there any 'shrooms?

TribecaMike November 18, 2012 at 8:30 pm

"Before the Great War, people believed in the inevitability of human progress and the triumph of Western civilization."

Except for shorter life spans, high probability of dying at birth or within the first year, non-existence of antibiotics, low wages, and often deadly work (and living) conditions, life was just one big 24-hour party. That is, if you were lucky enough to survive the frequent minotaur and roc attacks.

a_pink_poodle November 18, 2012 at 9:28 pm

The only explanation for the horrors of World War I was the Biblical doctrine of man’s sinful, depraved nature, and the only solution was in Biblical Christianity.

I thought it was because both sides were using increasingly obsolete tactics with increasingly advancing military technology. A line volley may have worked when muskets took four days to load and couldn't hit the side of a mountain, but not with machine guns that could shoot at a far higher speed and with more accuracy, much of which was lost in the ridged military structure of European armies around the turn of the century.

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Pensacola, Florida? I should have known. Of course, it's Florida. It's always Florida. **sigh**

Spurning Beer November 19, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Two things. Pensacola is only technically in Florida. It's closer geographically and culturally to Alabama and Mississippi than it is to anything you'd recognize as Florida-like.

And second, even for the deep south, this place is a hotbed of fundamentalist extremism. Pentacostals are the religious moderates here. Fanatics shout scripture into bullhorns at intersections here. My favorite local bumpersticker reads, "IF IT AIN'T KING JAMES IT AIN'T BIBLE."

Negropolis November 19, 2012 at 10:21 pm

It's a distinction without a difference. Florida is Florida all the way through from the incompetence in Miami-Dade and Broward up to the Redneck Riviera. It's simply crazies of difference flavor.

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Poor Archduke Franz Ferdinand. He Czeched himself, which ironically had the effect of wrecking himself, poor guy.

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 11:15 pm

I know Progressivism meant something a bit different, back then, and that times were different back then. But, I have a hard time even then calling someone as racists and xenophobic as Wilson "progressive." His racism was even notable for the time he was in. Such isms can't legitimately abide with or in one another. You can't have good government if it seeks to shut out entire populations.

memzilla November 19, 2012 at 12:40 am

I won't defend racism, but I will say that, at the time, white people were just barely beginning to stop being so hateful to other white people — Italians, Jews, Irish, Catholics, slum dwellers, the rural poor, Northerners vs Southrons, et al. You can't stop being racist until you stop hating large segments of people who share your own skin color, and that is an incremental step that takes time and a couple generations.

Wilson was of, and in, that time of transition. But still Southron.

And 1917 was 40 years — a couple generations, IOW — away from the Civil Rights Act of 1957 which passed largely due to the efforts of Senate Majority Leader Lyndon B. Johnson.

"Progressive" in 1917 had more to do about economic policy — unions, fair treatment for farmers, gold vs. fiat currency, trust-busting — than social policy… but of course the two are inextricably bound up in one another.

Negropolis November 19, 2012 at 8:47 am

Like I said, I know what progressivism meant in that era, but, again, Wilson's racism and xenophobia was even a bit of a surprise to a lot of folks even of that time, enough so where it is notable to bring it up. He'd instituted segregation in certain areas of the executive branch and government departments and agencies where it hadn't existed for decades.

Isyaignert November 19, 2012 at 12:23 am

Oh FFS, that cake so reminds me of my unholy relationship with my holier-that-thou mother. I am a Christmas baby and my mother would always bring a cake to every Christmas gathering that said, "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus and 'Isyaignert." Imagine how I felt as an ignert five year old having to compete with his Jeezuzness. FAIL. Now, that I'z all growed up, every fukkin' Xmas, I get together with other Xmas babies and we have a "Jealous of Jesus" party with no red or green or Christmas crap allowed!

memzilla November 19, 2012 at 12:53 am

Every Christmas baby should be informed, as early as possible, of the 11-month free tax deduction that their birth gave their parents, and demand their piece of that, along with a free Obamaphone.

Isyaignert November 19, 2012 at 12:58 am

Thanks for everything memzilla – plus the Obamaphone! Cool-o-manul-o!!

decentcitizen November 19, 2012 at 1:29 am

I on the other hand was born just after Christmas but it seemed xmas so tuckered my parents out I never managed to get a birthday gift or party – just happy merry Xmas birthday gift.

Isyaignert November 19, 2012 at 1:54 am

Oh sweetie! I so feel your pain. You poor dear, I hope you've found solace in the snow-covered trees and whatnot.

OT but when my husband (read: Prince Charming) asked my birthdate, I told him it was 12/21 and he said, "That's my favorite day of the year!! I thought he was just being very smooth, but turns out it's true -he loves it because it's when the days start to get longer!

DahBoner November 19, 2012 at 9:14 am

If only these people had listened to the wisdom of the goat-herders who wrote the Bible and realize that the earth has four corners, and thats the TROOF…

outragedcitizen November 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

"… The vacuum created by this rejection of true Christianity was destined to bring terror and destruction to Germany.”

Yep, life was so much better when true Christianity reigned supreme in Germany, (as well as Spain, France and England) and the enlightened Christians were running around torturing, hanging and burning all those heretics and witches.

Yeah, good times!

weejee November 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Is the third time the lucky charm?

FlipFlopFuck November 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

It's the White Man's Burden!

Mumbletypeg November 18, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Oh that website is so full of Win~

Doktor Zoom November 18, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Colonialists rely on Pear's Soap…
for all their ethnic cleansing!

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 2:23 pm

"Remember the Moran!"

Oops, wrong war.

Doktor Zoom November 18, 2012 at 4:39 pm

bookmarked for future Wonkets

glasspusher November 19, 2012 at 11:51 am

I highly recommend doing songs on a guitar that were originally done on the piano. Really gets you working on chord changes. Try “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”

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