ALL OVER BUT THE SHOUTING  5:24 pm November 17, 2012

Panty Prosecutor Wins, Evolution-Dumper Loses: Your Lesser Candidate Wrap-Up!

by Doktor Zoom

Oh, look! You can see his little hands!It occurred to us that we have not followed up on some very important electoral news: Namely, the fate of several candidates who nobody had ever heard of until they briefly shone in the “weird news” column, and then disappeared from view. What happened to those wackos with all their wackiness? Let it never be said that Your Wonkette doesn’t follow up!

Hola wonkerados.

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Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 239 comments }

TribecaMike November 17, 2012 at 5:27 pm

The funway is clear for takeoff.

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 6:17 pm

"Quist’s website attributes the loss to a superior get-out-the-vote effort and a lack of promised funding from the National Republican Campaign Committee"

Yet another reason to be grateful to Karl Rove, who with just those two pudgy hands of his diverted the mighty money flow from hundreds of candidates, only to piss it away on the world class fail that is / was / always will be Mitt the Merciless. Amen too.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 17, 2012 at 6:45 pm

My mother has fruit flies.

Mojopo November 17, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Where?

Weedlord BonerHitler November 17, 2012 at 11:31 pm

It was the reason for requesting a baby be brought to yoga class.

Some day I will explain all of this to you, if you're still interested. :D

Mojopo November 18, 2012 at 1:42 am

You cannot possibly imagine how fascinated I am. Call me.

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 9:25 am

Weedlord, you Magnificent Bastard!

Weedlord BonerHitler November 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Dooooood?

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 2:26 pm

This is the first I've seen of your New Post-Election Magnificent Avatar. I Highly approve.

You should know, though, that I've signed your new name to a lot of stupid/bizarre/awful petitions all over the web.

Maman November 17, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Whee! But in the Bad News Department Allen West (R-WTFlorida) has won a partial recounted even though the state has certified his loss.

fartknocker November 17, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Florida wins in the category of most fucked up electoral process in the US.

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Did they get to vote on that category in Florida too?

ChillBill November 17, 2012 at 8:05 pm
cheetojeebus November 17, 2012 at 5:32 pm

better'n pickin' nits. 'cept fer the itch ur lef' wit.

rocktonsam November 17, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I could have said teh Wonkette never followed up, once, may be twice.

Wait, I never said that ever.

carry on

glasspusher November 17, 2012 at 10:31 pm

…hardly ever? Sorry, my kid was just in HMS Pinafore…

MosesInvests November 17, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Oh, a British tar is a jolly tar….

shelwood46 November 17, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Dan Lungren has lost also too, yay.

Callyson November 17, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Seriously? OH YEAH!!!

(Opening new browser tab to see the good news…)

ETA: This is too good not to share…

http://www.news10.net/news/local/article/217462/2

Chow Yun Flat November 17, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Wow, Dolph Lundgren has really let himself go since "Universal Soldier".

malsperanza November 17, 2012 at 10:37 pm

So has this guy, one Mark Suben, who just won reelection as district attorney in Cortland Co. NY:
http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/70s-porn-star

Weedlord BonerHitler November 17, 2012 at 6:46 pm

YES. THANK YOU JEEBUS. Or whoever.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 10:15 pm

That was a nice apres-election mint.

Unfortunately, Darrel Pissah and Dana Roaringfucker are still with us.

Also, I hadn't noticed that Pete Stark got ousted by another Dem. Probably time, I guess. Makes me feel old, but what doesn't?

HogeyeGrex November 17, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Bilbray is toast too, though. So there's that.

Unfortunately, it really won't be a just world until Issa is shivering under a freeway ramp roasting rats.

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 10:54 pm

I believe that "Issa" is Lebanese for "He who sucks donkey dicks", or perhaps it's just a random collection of vowels and consonants, I got nothing here.

NeonVincent November 18, 2012 at 12:39 am

Or in prison. Ever read up on all of the allegations of criminal behavior involving his business? You should. As it is, he has a criminal record in Michigan because of a misdemeanor gun charge. Makes all the noise he made over Fast and Furious all the more ironic.

HogeyeGrex November 18, 2012 at 3:30 am

Oh, I'm fairly well aware that he's a felonious cockchancre. Prison, however, is far too good for him. Three squares and shelter from the elements. Bah.

Under a bridge. Roasting rats that he had to catch using his toes for bait.

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 11:35 pm

This is good news for Todd Rundgren…I think.

rocktonsam November 17, 2012 at 5:38 pm

in a follow up, the repubs in Scott Walker's Wisconsin took control back in the senate and house.

cripes

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 6:08 pm

When they cut Florida loose and dump it in the ocean, perhaps someone could attach a bungee cord to Wisconsin? With votes, of course.

rocktonsam November 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm

not sure about that my friend.
we did re-elect The President and there is Tammy Baldwin also, so there is hope and change.

Jukesgrrl November 17, 2012 at 6:47 pm

How voters choose Barack Obama as their president and Tammy Baldwin as their U.S. Senator, then at the same time cast votes for Republican representatives to their state house never ceases to amaze me. I lived in Pennsylvania when voters there chose Bill Clinton and Rick Santorum simultaneously, so it doesn't surprise me, it just fucks with my head. I know some of it can be explained by insane gerrymandering, but not all.

rocktonsam November 17, 2012 at 6:50 pm

If they hadn't redistrict Waukasha Co, Ryan would have to get a real job.

but if Illinois hadn't redistrict we'd still have Joe Walsh and the 3 other teabaggers to kick around, there gone.

Jukesgrrl November 18, 2012 at 12:34 am

More's the pity.

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 9:24 pm

The technical term for this phenomena is "Fucking yourself with your own dick", happily it doesn't seem to be contagious. So far.

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Little bit of redistricting and a whole lot of stupid, is what. I know, I live in Michigan, a state that routinely and heavily elects national dems and senators, but can't seem to be consistent in electing state dems. A lot of its has to do with idiot Dems only voting the top of the ticket…you know, because.

BerkeleyBear November 18, 2012 at 12:33 am

Has a whole lot to do with rural legislative districts that don't reflect population density for whatever reason. Oregon has 2 Dem Senators, and 4 out of 5 Congresscritters are Dems, yet the House was split right down the line and the Senate only had a 1 vote Dem majority going into 2012. The House is now Dem, but only by a couple seats.

It took Illinois until 2000 to go blue in the state Senate despite having a Dem assembly for decades, and Cali has only know gotten enough Dem seats to stop being held hostage by the Republican rump on tax issues. State legislatures are quirky and borderline undemocratic in a lot of places – and far less well understood than the should be, given their power over redistricting, Medicaid other social services, and the constant push by the GOP to give them more and more power.

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 1:05 am

In our last state senate election here in Michigan, the Republicans won 52% of the vote against the 48% won by Democrats…they netted over 68% of the seats.

Now, I know they were modeled after the U.S. Senate, but this is just ridiculous given that they have long sense been forced to follow population. Now, some of this has simply to do with the difference between where Democrats tend to live and where Republicans, do, but this gerrymandering has gotten out of control.

bobbert November 18, 2012 at 3:23 pm

You know, I was a little nervous about the referendum to have redistricting handled by a Citizens' Commission here in Cali, although I did vote for it. Apparently, under the bad old approach, the Dems were giving up too much gerrymander to the Reps, in order to absolutely secure the D seats (and get agreement from the Rs).

So far, I like this a lot. I just have to remember that we may not always win the competitive seats.

Antispandex November 17, 2012 at 5:39 pm

If the pantie story WERE true, it would almost, almost, make me want to move to Ohio. Almost.

Antispandex November 17, 2012 at 5:42 pm

WTG Kansas! Who neeb teef?

SexySmurf November 17, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Also, that DA in New York who used to do the porn won, despite the fact that the having any kind of sex other than missionary position with the lights out disqualifies a person from holding public office.

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Can't have sex standing up either, someone might look in the window and think you're dancing.

Mahousu November 17, 2012 at 6:26 pm

He won because his porn 'stache really was a porn 'stache. Truth in advertising.

shelwood46 November 17, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Ah, but he categorically denied the porn thing until after he won, when the accuser came up with video proof and he finally said, yeah, I was lying before, I did do porn.

Mahousu November 17, 2012 at 8:26 pm

It was the '70s. He should have just said he didn't remember, what with all the cocaine and so on. Everyone would understand.

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Don't forget all that time masturbating while being asphyxiated with no safe word, like he managed to forget about.

tessiee November 17, 2012 at 11:53 pm

You can hardly blame him; that's just basic physiology.

JustPixelz November 17, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Now I support Tennessee seceding. Texas too. Also all the states with over 50% obesity rate. (They are conveniently colored red on all those maps I noticed after the election.)

HogeyeGrex November 17, 2012 at 10:34 pm

So, if we let them secede, they lose their American citizenship, and can be treated as third-world serfs after we annex the land for "National Security" reasons. Right?

glasspusher November 17, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Fat chance

MosesInvests November 17, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Uh, all of the major cities in Tejas went blue-Austin, Houston, Dallas, San Antonio and El Paso-as did the entire Rio Grande Valley. We could be a swing state by next election-pinche gringos are already a minority here-or if not by 2014, then 2020. So no secession, thanks very much. I don't want to live in the !#%#% Confederacy.

BerkeleyBear November 18, 2012 at 12:38 am

Tell ya what – we let the GOP have "reservations" like we gave the natives wherever they have a majority. Then we fence them in, remove 90 percent or more of the economy (ie Federal services and property), and let them try and do whatever they can pull off without major Federal subsidies. And if the demographics shift/they sell to Dems? The land is automatically annexed, again borrowing from our own precedent. I give it 2 years tops before there's no more autonomous zones.

snowpointsecret November 17, 2012 at 5:45 pm

To be fair, 150 votes in Hocking County is probably a quite decent margin.

I'm guessing Dok found that picture for research purposes?

Joshua Norton November 17, 2012 at 5:46 pm

because those books just prepare students “to be liars, crooks, thieves, murderers, and perverts.”

or as we call them here: Republicans.

snowpointsecret November 17, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Dentists in Wichita must be thrilled, they'll be making a fortune.

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 6:22 pm

The toothbrush must have been invented in Kansas, if it was anywhere else it would be called a "teethbrush".

glasspusher November 17, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Drill, baby, drill!

actor212 November 18, 2012 at 1:17 am

Dentistry is theft!

Kate_fate November 18, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Again: ARE YOU SERIOUS. There is zero evidence that flouride, a toxic waste, prevents cavities. You really get your news from MSM around here?

bobbert November 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm

No, I get my news about fluoride from my teeth, which are nice and cavity free after 65 years.

Joshua Norton November 17, 2012 at 5:50 pm

It appears most of them are perfect candidates for running next time around on the "We never really landed on the moon" ballot.

Callyson November 17, 2012 at 5:52 pm

State Rep. Kelly Keisling…was the vigilant guardian of freedom who emailed his constituents to warn that Barack Obama might fake his own assassination so he could cancel the 2012 elections and hold on to power forever.

Coming up with an excuse to postpone an election…why does that idea sound familiar? Oh yeah:

Officials discuss how to delay Election Day
Talks stem from recent fears of terror attack timed to vote
Monday, July 12, 2004
WASHINGTON (CNN) — U.S. officials have discussed the idea of postponing Election Day in the event of a terrorist attack on or about that day, a Homeland Security Department spokesman said Sunday.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/07/11/electio

/FFS yet again

Tangled sin tax November 17, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Would he really do that, though? I hear zombies don't have much of a jumpshot so it would really put a crimp in Barry's game.

tessiee November 17, 2012 at 11:56 pm

You don't look under the bed unless you've hidden there yourself.

NYNYNYjr November 17, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Jill Kelly News: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/jill-kel

Love Sponge wanted to deep fat fry a Koran. Kelly intervened and blew him, and he didn't do it. (Rather, he did it in his own kitchen, and ate it.)

Thank you Florida.

Butch_Wagstaff November 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Love Sponge's radio show was in the Richmond market for awhile. He was getting his ass kicked in ratings by, of all things, Elliot In the Morning.

Jukesgrrl November 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

I'm with the commenter who wrote, "More and more I am hoping that the Mayan predicton of Dec 21st is correct. If the director of the CIA has to ask a bimbo to prevent an international incident to be perpatrated by a 'shock jock' we need to go."

NYNYNYjr November 17, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Tampon, Florida.

glasspusher November 17, 2012 at 10:51 pm

What'd I say?pee tee ess dee? Sorry!

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 6:03 pm

No panties means no panty lines, objection also over ruled, case closed too.

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Wu lost?
That's right, he did.
Who did?
I just told you Wu did.
And so on in an endless tribute to Abbot and Costello

LibrarianX November 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Sneaking? Sneaking? Fat Hobbit is always so polite. Smeagol shows them secret ways that nobody else could find, and they say "sneak!" Sneak? Very nice friend. Oh, yes, my precious. Very nice, very nice.

YouBetcha November 17, 2012 at 6:08 pm

I'm with you, Jack Wu. The very existence of the people of Kansas makes me suspect there is no evolution either. Darwin was clearly wrong.

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 6:26 pm

The gene pool is shallow in that one.

Jukesgrrl November 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Our friend Dustbowl Blues being a notable exception.

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Sustained…..

MosesInvests November 17, 2012 at 11:08 pm

I thought DB is an Okie?

Isyaignert November 18, 2012 at 1:35 am

Darwin was clearly wrong, as was Abraham Lincoln.

memzilla November 17, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Fortunately, Ol' Crazy Eyes One-L Michele is still in the House, so the Wonkette Snark Continuum can go on… with votes!

Mittaplasia November 17, 2012 at 7:01 pm

I would miss her…she is comedy goldl

Isyaignert November 18, 2012 at 1:37 am

Michele is gold and Marrccuuss is platinum!

Angry_Marmot November 18, 2012 at 5:46 am

I think I can guess which one's rubber and which one's glue.

BadKitty904 November 17, 2012 at 6:11 pm

What is this, the night shift?

TribecaMike November 17, 2012 at 6:12 pm

What's so goldurned incredible about Mr. Limpet anyway? Sure he turns into a dolphin, but he's still a mammal.

SheriffRoscoe November 17, 2012 at 6:13 pm

There was a man on the science committee named Roscoe. My mind is blown.

Barrelhse November 17, 2012 at 7:15 pm

So is your cover.

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 12:33 am

With any luck, other parts of him will get blown as well

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:00 am

I once had to do some paperwork for a company named Roscoe that did financial advising. It made me picture a short, cigar-smoking guy with lots of hair all over his back shoulders, wearing a wife beater and saying, "Yeah, your investments didn't do so good at the dog track".

An_Outhouse November 17, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I welcome the reappearance of the toilet rat.

corthylio November 17, 2012 at 9:54 pm

I, on the other hand, feel the need for a Silkwood shower. Ew.

christianmuslin November 17, 2012 at 6:16 pm

The 'Witch a titians' who opposed flouridation of their water for the third time since 1964, may, surprisingly, be the same people who oppose Obamacare with the requirement that their employer provide health care coverage. I thought god gave man the ability to reason. Maybe next time he will remember to give them the ability to use it as well.

MiniMencken November 17, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Shabbat shalom, y'all! But, along with the good news, Doktor Zoom (If that is your real name), what about the UN invasion of Lubbock, Texas? You know, this one: http://www.examiner.com/article/texas-judge-warns

boskolives November 17, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Start at the other end…..ללכת עם אלוהים

A tip of the yamelkah to Google translate.

Doktor Zoom November 17, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Heh… I considered but ultimately decided to leave this out. No invasion, but a nice snarky editorial in the local paper: "Where Are The Tanks, Tom?"

MiniMencken November 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Thank you for the link, Herr Doktor Professor von Zoom! I wonder if Mac Davis wants to consider rewriting the last three stanzas of "Texas In My Rear View Mirror."

Jukesgrrl November 17, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Judge Head (seriously?) wouldn't, of course, think to gin up "an additional $832,433" for education, now would he?

Vecchiojohn November 18, 2012 at 10:43 am

He also "[c]onducts mental competency hearings and other mental health related duties prescribed by law,"

The jokes just write themselves.

ButthurtWingers2012 November 19, 2012 at 12:49 am

Sadly it makes sense because it's Texas….here's how to get this loon to rule that you're a loon: accepts evolution as a fact (I fucking hate the "believes in" metric…science is not a belief system…people who accept science need to stop putting on the same stage as religion), check!…does not think Dubya was sent by god to protect us from black muslins…check, check! does not believe in the sky wizard…oh you better fucking believe that's a check! and finally, votes Democratic?!?! It's lobotomy time fer yew, babi killar! check, check, check! And so forth…

Goonemeritus November 17, 2012 at 6:23 pm

The very best thing about the Tea Party is they can't moderate their views. We won't have to worry about them focus grouping the crap out of their message and showing up in another two years in sheep clothing. I know they will be around for a while but even the Republican machine will treat them with scorn in two years.

BoroPrimorac November 17, 2012 at 6:47 pm

They can treat them with scorn all they want, but it's those crazy fuckers who show up to vote in primaries.

gullywompr November 17, 2012 at 7:24 pm

I think the GOP is too scared to scorn them, believing that they need all the votes they can get right now. As bad as they are at math, they won't be able to grok the calculation that the only way to really get more votes is to kick those crazies to the curb. The GOP is the leopard that can't change it's spots.

BerkeleyBear November 18, 2012 at 12:44 am

If the GOP could do math, the "Moral Majority" movement wouldn't have dominated their messaging throughout the Reagan years. Although in Ronaldus Maximus' semi-defense, at least he used those nuts rather than letting them run him. Hence all the tax increases. Boehner isn't bright enough to figure out how to co-opt them effectively.

not that Dewey November 18, 2012 at 9:27 am

As if to prove your point, Mark Levin tells the Heritage Foundation, “The Tea Party is the only thing that stands between liberty and tyranny. We have to defeat the Republican establishment mush in Washington, D.C.”

ButthurtWingers2012 November 19, 2012 at 12:51 am

Yuh huh they do too focus group their views…why do you think militia members suddenly vanish for a few hours and then later in the day the latest teabagger candidate has a new Obama conspirmacy? It gets really interesting when the Venn diagram overlaps militia members, civil war re-enactors, KKKlansmen and the conservative citizens council (same thing)…this happens often in the South, actually and the resulting crazy is often delicious…Arizona has all the above and adds in the John Birch Society.

gullywompr November 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Also, previously featured on teh Wonkette, sexy GOP human blingie Mindy Meyer got a few votes.

snowpointsecret November 17, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I wonder how many of those 3% voted as a joke.

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 12:39 am

Wonder if there were any write in names, like Shelley Sekula-Gibbs' race? It would have been tough to top ol' Dracula C*nt

Doktor Zoom November 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

We regret the omission.

(Thank goodness I wrote this post during the day, or it would have been an nocturnal omission)

actor212 November 17, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Diurnal omission sounds like a feminine itch problem.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:02 am

That Mindy has, so there's your circle of life right there.

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 12:40 am

And a tan to rival Boehner's…

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 10:28 am

If, as per the abovementioned article, she hadn't missed her one scheduled debate, she surely passed on her chance to earn Wonkette Political Gold.

AlterNewt November 17, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Bless her heart.

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 10:28 am

Running for state senate is haaarrd! Let's go shopping!

AlterNewt November 18, 2012 at 10:49 am

Yay!

emmelemm November 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I, for one, appreciate the follow-up on that delightful young lady.

southernboyman November 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Congress has always been a sack of crazies…

docterry6973 November 18, 2012 at 9:47 am

Really? What did I say? Apart from the odd preposition my one sentence included:

A synonym for an unwise person that rhymes with 'tool'
A synonym for a dishonest person that rhymes with 'beef'
A synonym for aluminum foil
A synonym for chapeau
The same word for people of impaired judgment that appears in the original post.

I think the deleting algorithm needs to be tweaked.

FeloniousMonk November 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm

"We can hardly wait to see who joins science expert Paul Broun … on that august body". Five'll get you ten it's two more members of the Congressional Prayer Caucus.

NeonVincent November 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Here's one for you. L. Brooks Patterson, the Executive of Oakland County, Michigan, was re-elected even though he was in a coma for 17 days after a car crash in August and didn't return to work until Halloween, when he was rolled into a meeting in a wheelchair. The news didn't come out until a week before the election. He still won in a walk, er, roll, and it wasn't even a sympathy vote. To add insult to injury, he was ticketed for not wearing a seat belt.

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 11:17 pm

This guy could be dead and buried and they'd still elect him. That's how it works in Detroit politics.

BerkeleyBear November 18, 2012 at 12:49 am

See you a coma and raise you a plea bargain and substance abuse pu pu platter – Jesse Jackson Jr. got 63 percent of the vote despite spending more time at the Mayo Clinic than DC or his district in the last 6 months and the breaking story he was actively negotiating a plea involving his stepping down for corruption.

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 1:14 am

L. Brooks Patterson is something of a drunk driving afficianado, enough so that in his most recent accident, he was blood tested even though he wasn't even driving, but they thought he may have been drinking with his driver in the car. lol

But he can't quite complete with a plea bargain for corruption. He's never been caught.

actor212 November 18, 2012 at 1:20 am
glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 9:32 am

Damn. Collected a 150k salary and a 90k pension at the same time! Nice!

NeonVincent November 18, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I fold.

editor November 17, 2012 at 6:55 pm

"Things didn’t turn out very well for Kansas School Board candidate Jack Wu, who campaigned on $5 and a promise to save school budgets by eliminating the teaching of evolution, because those books just prepare students “to be liars, crooks, thieves, murderers, and perverts.”

i know have mentioned this before, but repetition never hurt anyone (see: teletubbies). this very same jack wu majored in computer science at the (public) university where i am employed. there is some serious poe suspicion here.

Mittaplasia November 17, 2012 at 6:58 pm

More proof that the busiest person in Kansas is the tooth fairy.

BadKitty904 November 17, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Nice try, Collins – you're still on the losing team…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/17/chris-co

BlueStateLibel November 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm

"Hmmm, maybe I can sidle over to the winning team while nobody's looking."

Blueb4sinrise November 17, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Well, since Dok scooped me………here's a Cleaning -Up Victory Dance!!!!!!!!!!

Stan and Ollie

WhatTheHeck November 17, 2012 at 7:25 pm

ALL I gotta say is, these crazy fuckers are representative of their constituents.

ttommyunger November 17, 2012 at 7:35 pm

OT: the election has been over for a week and the shrill anti-Obama shit on my fb is still at a fever pitch, complete with Barry in Nazi regalia, including the mustache. Hate must provide a high I've missed out on.

James Michael Curley November 18, 2012 at 7:29 am

I'm not having that problem on my Facebook page. Then again I have only 'freinded' my wife, son and the two cats. Since the cats are both black they are a lot more tolerant of Obama.

ttommyunger November 18, 2012 at 8:16 am

My two are “Tuxedo Blacks” so they think they are upper-class. They would have voted R'Money so I kept them inside on the 6th.

Vecchiojohn November 18, 2012 at 10:54 am

True story. Outside of a post office I drive by every day, before the election, some asshole set up a table with an Obama-as-Hitler picture. In these situations, I always ask myself, What would Jesus do? So I rolled the window and yelled fuck you as loud as I could.

ttommyunger November 18, 2012 at 11:06 am

Ha! Also true. While demonstrating roadside against the war with Vet for Peace a few years ago a young guy in a pick-up rolled by and greeted me out the window by name. I smiled widely and waved at him wondering who he was. Guy nex to me said softly: “kind of out-dated, calling you a commie”. One of the little-known benefits of hearing loss.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

DemmeFatale November 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

At Union Square, in San Francisco, I saw one of these tables set up.
I curiously checked out the local news that night, because I hoped to see a story about what had to be a very unhappy ending.
But they must've decided to let him live.
No story on the news.

cybermoe November 17, 2012 at 7:36 pm

All these stories lead to a John McCain win. (BTW, did any of you know that John McCain was a POW)?

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:05 am

He should really mention that.

actor212 November 17, 2012 at 7:39 pm

So that pony is Sparkle Nazi?

Doktor Zoom November 17, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Rhineland Dash.

PubOption November 17, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Sudentenland Dash?

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Blitzkrieg Dash?

not that Dewey November 18, 2012 at 9:14 am

Ron Vibbentrop?

actor212 November 18, 2012 at 1:21 am

We did not check the alt-text, mein herr.

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 9:40 am

Überpony.

NYNYNYjr November 17, 2012 at 7:44 pm

A Dem got old Gabby Gifferd's seat. I assume the Repub must have been some guy with swastikas carved all over his face.

Jukesgrrl November 17, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Ah, no it was a flag-waving woman. Air Force Afghanistan veteran Martha McSally who dedicated 7.5 years of her life to fighting the Pentagon in court over their orders that she cover her head when she left base to go in Muslim areas where people were offended by her Western ways.

In all the advertisements we in the district were subjected to during a long election season, we never once heard a peep about her actual positions on any issue. She made Rmoney look like a man of unshakeable beliefs with creative policy solutions. Instead we had endless scenes of her hiking our beautiful mountains with her golden retriever following, while a sonorous voice-over droned on about her integrity, her grit, her general mavericky-ness, and how she was going to bring great solutions to our terrible lives. And then the voice would shout, "She SUED Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld!" Which was supposed to make her seem bi-partisan, I guess. They failed to mention that the suit was never settled.

Still, people managed to find out that her campaign was being funded by pretty much the same mystery-special interests that bankrolled teabagger Jesse Kelly in the previous elections. She might have won except that a lot of Latino-Americans registered to vote for the first time, and prevailed in having their votes counted in spite of opposition. I guess they don't favor golden retrievers.

She still might, however, contest the final result if the count is ever finished. Don't put it past her … she's a woman of HIGH ETHICAL STANDARDS!

ChillBill November 17, 2012 at 8:00 pm

The first pic, isn't that Allen West's new seat?

weejee November 17, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Dok you have outdone yourself with today's photo collage. You've blessed our retinas with dead rat USAs, Nazi Bronies, Jebus playing Alley Oop and riding a dinosaur, Golem, classic legal briefs, and some obscure Rethug douchenoodle (who seems ever so pleased with himself for having gone one hour without going pee pee). And somehow it really, really works. This could be Pulitzer-level ya know. What's the cut-off date to submit the nomination?

M. Bouffant November 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm

ever so pleased with himself for having gone one hour without going pee pee
Man, do I wish I could do that.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:06 am

"Golem"

I think you mean Gollum. Golem is Joe Lieberman.

weejee November 18, 2012 at 9:25 am

Correctomondo. I got confused over nations of Golems, here, like Joe, and abroad. But I get confused on spellings a lot. Even before I became an olde.

TribecaMike November 17, 2012 at 8:32 pm

In the eyes of the world, our national obsession with Sandra Locke just looks stupid.

M. Bouffant November 17, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Nice round-up. Better shit-house rats than those damn Ponies, too!

Monsieur_Grumpe November 17, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Hey, don't forget good old boy Judge Roy Moore!
http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/on-faith/1

weejee November 17, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Moses weeps.

Dudleydidwrong November 17, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Way to go, Alabama! Good job! Still in the running for the bottom, are you? You've got competition, of course–lots of it. But with judges like good ol' Roy, you are a top candidate for a win (along with Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, South Carolina, most of Florida, etc. My apologies to the residents if I left your state out. )

Biff November 17, 2012 at 9:47 pm

I heard on some commie left-wing radio talk show about a 10 Commandments plaque in front of a courthouse in Kansas, complete with misspellings. AL definitely has competition.

FeloniousMonk November 17, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Oklahoma state capitol, according to PuffHo.

AlterNewt November 17, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Come on now. How many really stupid people could there be out there?

Biff November 17, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Don't make me say AOTK!

AlterNewt November 17, 2012 at 9:50 pm

kkkkk

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 12:17 am

The appropriate Saturday night response

AlterNewt November 18, 2012 at 12:26 am

de fato

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Let's see…how about the 47% who voted for Mitt Romney?

MinAgain November 17, 2012 at 9:41 pm

What? No legal brief joke? You disappoint me, Wonkette.

Doktor Zoom November 17, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Somebody didn't read the alt-text.

actor212 November 18, 2012 at 1:24 am

Which reminds me, it's Quisp, not Quist, if you're going to use the cereals.

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 9:36 am

Wow, that's a blast from the past. Quake?

actor212 November 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Read the alt-text

Mojopo November 17, 2012 at 10:09 pm

I'm trying to decide which photo is better for me during this season of gastronomic indulgences – a dead rat in a dirty toilet, or the tampon earrings? Choices, choices…

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Dok, let's be honest, Wu didn't lose because he was too crazy for Kansas. Wu lost because he was an Asian from California in Kansas.

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 10:27 pm

BTW, there was a big winner here in Michigan, election night. Republican Speaker of the House, Jase Bolger, narrowly won re-election, despite being under investigation for election fraud. His Republican colleagues – who've obviously lost their damned minds – proceeded to re-elect the guy speaker. Did I mention the guy is under investigation for election fraud? They are going to regret this big time.

And supposed moderate governor, Rick Snyder, put his own integrity on the line to back the guy days before the election…because why? He was the only candidate the guv backed. He's going to feel stupid when they indict Bolger's sorry ass. He's already admitted to the allegations, but says that he was nearly be unethical and not criminal. lol

glasspusher November 17, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Republicans- stupid goes in, stupid comes out- you can't explain it!

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:08 am

"He's going to feel stupid when they indict Bolger's sorry ass."

Serves him right for being a governor named Rick.

glasspusher November 17, 2012 at 10:33 pm

I never had any formal training as a pervert, but Ms glasspusher says I still do a great job at it.

glasspusher November 17, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Dr. Wu is no longer with us.

MosesInvests November 17, 2012 at 11:18 pm

He's really just a shadow of the man that we once knew.

glasspusher November 17, 2012 at 11:45 pm

You are on my ass like a pair of Fruit of the Looms tonight! Getting all my musical references! I salute you!

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 18, 2012 at 3:50 am

Was he crazy, or was he high?

malsperanza November 17, 2012 at 11:03 pm

And then there's Jesse Jackson Jr., who has been in the Mayo Clinic since June and didn't campaign, and was reelected with 63%. I think the reasoning is that if he had resigned before the election, the machine hacks would have chosen a new candidate, and we all remember how well that worked out last time *coffRolandBurriscoff* whereas if he resigns now (due not to medical problems, but to some federal thing about campaign funds blahblah vague hints no actual indictments, whatever), there will be a whole new election (no, the position can't be filled by appointment), with actual choices for the lucky voters of his district. Maybe Bill Ayers will run. Hey, a girl can dream.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Taking this as the nearest current thing to a weekend thread, I haz anecdote (this will not be news to those of you who regularly watch teevee).

I spent Friday night in a hotel in San Jose, because my younger kid had a surprise appendectomy on Thursday night and I'm a doting father. Anyhow, at various times last night and this morning, I was in the hotel, and bored, and channel-surfing (I don't have TV in real life).

So I got saw quite a bit of coverage of Gaza on CNN and MSNBC, and some discussion of the "fiscal shit", and a lot of local news about the Bay Area storm, and some weird pictures from Daly City, where a water main broke a few days ago and buried a neighborhood in mud, and stuff like that.

Every single time I clicked through Fox (and this was four or five distinct shows), they were talking about Benghazi. Every fucking time. I believe that if the other networks were live covering the second coming of Christ, Fox would be talking about Benghazi.

As I said, this is probably old stuff for many of you, but for someone who doesn't normally watch TV — wow.

VodkaGoGo November 17, 2012 at 11:30 pm

"What did Jesus know about Benghazi and when did he know it?"

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Slightly off your topic, but is Daly City where that gas line blew up a few years back?

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 11:47 pm

I think so. Their infrastucture is, how you say, aging.

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 12:29 am

San Bruno. Close. I could see the fire from my place, across the bay, 30 miles away. Tragic.

Biff November 18, 2012 at 3:13 am

I lost a former classmate in that one.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:10 am

I normally watch TV, but I can think of no power on earth that would make me watch Fox.

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 12:20 am

Wow! You must be some parent! I never got a surprise appendectomy! He must have been thrilled!

Srsly, hope he's doing fine.

FlipFlopFuck November 18, 2012 at 2:40 am

All appendectomies are a surprise. Just sayin'.

not that Dewey November 18, 2012 at 9:08 am

That used to be true of c-sections, too. Soon, rich suburbanites will be scheduling their appendectomies so that they don't occur at inconvenient times.

"Got $100k, and don't want to blow it on a chicken house?"

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 12:54 am

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm always surprised when I go in a doctor's office or restaurant, or anywhere else for that matter, and see Fox News set on the TV. CNN is the station you're supposed to have on in the background for inoffensive background noise in a public setting.

Isyaignert November 18, 2012 at 1:51 am

I hope your son is doing well. My appendix blew up when I was six, which was a very long time ago, and it's a freekin' miracle I'm here pestering you nice people.

Benghazi is all the 'cons havet to work with. Before that it was the birther crapfest and before that the Rev. Wrightcrapfest. I feel sorry for them…., wait, ….no I don't.

Isyaignert November 18, 2012 at 1:55 am

Last time hubby and I went to Disneyland, we stayed at a very nice hotel in Orange County, except that the TV in our room would automatically reset to Fux News no matter where you left it when it was turned it off. Also, too, the TV in the breakfast room was tuned to Fux. I wrote a complaint letter to management, which I'm sure did nothing whatsoever.

Doktor Zoom November 18, 2012 at 3:37 am

Nice piece in The Economist about why it doesn't even make sense to talk about a "cover up" in this case:

the underlying accusation about Benghazi is that the Obama administration deliberately mischaracterised the terrorist attack there as having grown out of a spontaneous demonstration because that would be less politically damaging. Such a cover-up would have made no sense because the attack would not have been less politically damaging had it grown out of a spontaneous demonstration. The attack on the Benghazi compound would not have been any less politically difficult for the administration if it had grown out of a riot, nor would any normal voter have expected it to be less politically damaging, nor would any normal campaign strategist have expected any normal voter to have expected it to be less politically damaging.

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 6:14 am

Yes. And this actually cuts to what I see as the only legitimate issue, and that's if you know that it's going to be politically damaging, anyway, why tie yourself in knots to characterize it as something else?

I think most people have come to grips, now, with the fact that terrorists attacks can occur,anywhere, and that they are even more likely against American targets or interests outside of our borders where it's harder to defend against them. My disppointment outside of the attack is that the dicking around in the media, afterwards, by the administration gives the idiots even more to talk about.

not that Dewey November 18, 2012 at 9:12 am

Even Rush Limbaugh — RUSH FUCKING LIMBAUGH — was bemoaning this whole 'cover-up' nonsense. He thinks the conspiracy types are being ridiculous.

James Michael Curley November 18, 2012 at 9:50 am

I don't watch Fox News and the local versions also.
So thanks for your sacrifice. If after a couple hours of watching Fox News your thoughts turn destructive remember there is always 1-800-BrainDrain for counseling through your crises.

Best of health to your son. Though often touted as 'routine' that surgical procedure needs proper post op care, including strict adherence to medications, diet and stress and strains for a week or so.

docterry6973 November 18, 2012 at 10:10 am

You don't watch TV? And you're still alive?

bobbert November 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm

And, as a bonus, I have no idea who anybody is on Fox.

Wile E. Quixote November 19, 2012 at 2:21 am

Here's a primer:

Megyn Kelly is the blonde cunty one.
Gretchen Carlson is the other blonde cunty one.
Steve Doocy is the cunty one who's a guy.
Bill O'Reilly is the cunty one who looks like an the back side of an old guy's ball sack.
Sean Hannity is the cunty one who looks like he just pinched off a load in his pants, and is enjoying the sensation.

Hope this helps.

johnnyzhivago November 17, 2012 at 11:23 pm

These states that are taking science and math out of schools are going to be sitting pretty when it comes time to create ditch digging jobs.

tessiee November 18, 2012 at 12:11 am

Or cleaning $100,000.00 chicken coops.

BadKitty904 November 18, 2012 at 9:12 am

The billionaire right-wingers funding the GOP know that an ignorant populace is an easily controlled populace.

VodkaGoGo November 17, 2012 at 11:25 pm

Maryland Rep. Roscoe Bartlett, is that the guy who groped his granddaughter on a campaign commercial a few years back? Not even kidding, she was sitting on his lap and he had his hand on her chest and she was clearly just a little to old for that. There were noticable boobies coming in, is what I'm saying. Am I the only one who remembers that, or was that someone else?

Edit: I was wrong, it was Saxby Chambliss brought to you by Jim Newell. Also too, link fixed.

LadyWisdom November 17, 2012 at 11:30 pm

You forgot Randall Terry's (yes, THAT Randall Terry) run for congress opposing Democrat Alcee Hastings. Congressman Hastings did not need to worry about this challenge, he represents his voters superbly. But Randall Terry got a bit of publicity so he was, I'm sure, happy enough.

BZ1 November 17, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Isn't Arizona still counting? and not counting for much…

LibertyLover November 18, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Hey, Hey, Hey, some of us still have to live here, ya know. ;-)

corthylio November 17, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Looks like that toilet has a fluorosis enamel problem…

Beowoof November 18, 2012 at 12:01 am

John Birch Society, hmmm who founded that organization?

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 12:50 am

Brooks Patterson's political days are numbered, regardless. He admitted that maybe in another cycle or two, Dems will own all county-wide offices. As you are aware, they took over all but the exec and sheriff's spot, this election. Oakland is already blue at the presidential level. It's crazy how quickly things have changed even in just the last ten years.

As for Macomb…they're just weird. I mean, they elect Democrats, too, but they also elect some of the craziest people in the state regardless of party.

VodkaGoGo November 18, 2012 at 2:09 am

I can't say I really have anything against Patterson. He's a biznified republican type but I can't recall anything particularly ideological about him and Oakland county mostly seems to have its shit together. I'd certainly vote for him over Snyder in a primary, if he were ever to run.

VodkaGoGo November 18, 2012 at 2:09 am

I can't say I really have anything against Patterson. He's a biznified republican type but I can't recall anything particularly ideological about him and Oakland county mostly seems to have its shit together. Granted, I live downtown and don't have a car so Oakland county might as well be Neptune for all I know about it.

Negropolis November 18, 2012 at 6:17 am

Patterson got his start in Metro Detroit taking a very public role in opposition to busing. He was the racial counterweight to Coleman Young, and played the role in the region until relatively recently, and I'm talking the mid 00's. His last subtle play to fear where back in the last decade when the region was on the cusp of getting regional rapid transit and he opposed it because he said it'd bring "undesirables" to the county. Everybody got what that meant, and it's still an opinion held by many in the county rearing it's ugly head most recently when Troy's mayor tried to cancel the transit center (a reason she was recalled) with her supporters citing those people down the line possibly being able to visit their grand, virgin city.

He's kind of rehabilitated his image, particularly for the younger folks outside the city that don't remember his political beginnings. But that guy gave as good as he got in the racial politics of Metro Detroit.

VodkaGoGo November 18, 2012 at 9:28 am

Ha, I had no idea about any of that. That all sounds a lot more like the Metro Detroit race-baiting politics I'm accustomed too.

Isyaignert November 18, 2012 at 1:32 am

Nice work Dok – especially with the graphics!

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 18, 2012 at 3:56 am

And Brietbart is still at room temperature.

James Michael Curley November 18, 2012 at 7:32 am

Actually, approximately 55 degrees Fahrenheit being the constant temperature of dirt at about six feet under.

Angry_Marmot November 18, 2012 at 6:07 am

You go to airtime with the tragedy you have, not the scandal you wish to have.

BadKitty904 November 18, 2012 at 8:34 am

Not on Fox, you don't.

They've given up any pretext of being a "news" channel – it's "All Propaganda, All the Time"

BadKitty904 November 18, 2012 at 8:37 am

As I've mentioned:

a.) Per Fox, if you don't have a real scandal, you fake a false one (such as "Benghazi");
b.) Which political party cut funding for US embassy security? Hint: it *wasn't* the Dems.

Misty Malarky November 18, 2012 at 10:40 am

I was tickeld pink when Georgia's John Barrow, who was our congressman before getting jerrymandered into some very deep red territory, managed to handily win reelection against whatever mouth-breathing Tea Party doofus the Republicans ran.

Barrow even managed to look sexy cockin' his shotgun one-handed in his ads.

TRW Observer November 18, 2012 at 11:51 am

Jason Sarvar's fake story about Laina Fetherolf (panty-less prosecutor) makes her sound absolutely awesome.

lulzmonger November 18, 2012 at 10:01 pm

PANTSU PARTY!

The Tea Party: the GOP's Astroturf-filled life-jacket … where "Astroturf" = "lead."

Surely nobody could've predicted that these doughty advocates of pre-medieval civic hijinx & Colonial Cosplay would become a political liability!

iburl November 18, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Bathhouse Gollum R.I.P.

Wile E. Quixote November 19, 2012 at 2:15 am

I would totally vote for Laina Fetherolf.

boskolives November 18, 2012 at 9:03 am

Me too, collect if need be, also

Weedlord BonerHitler November 18, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Wow,you guys are REAL sickos.

It was two ladies in yoga class discussing kombucha. Apparently, the starter culture is called a "mother." Or, sometimes, a "baby." In this case, both.

There, aren't you disappointed, you filthy-minded perverts?

glasspusher November 18, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Therein is the problem. I was looking at this on my ipad, and onswipe sucks such moist moose meat that I turn it off and miss that.Quisp and Quake. I had to think hard to get the second one. Maybe not getting the alt text made this one more fun.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 18, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Dooooood!

I have another one, in case you get tired of this one. It's even *better!*

Is it time to come up with a new name yet, tho? I'm very attached to this one, even though I've only officially had it for a week or two.

C_R_Eature November 18, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Oh no, you need to ride Weedlord out for a bit. You're waited so long…

And, it's still Funny.

Mojopo November 18, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Not disappointed at all. I stopped reading after "…two ladies in yoga class," and took care of the rest myself.

FeloniousMonk November 18, 2012 at 7:56 pm

As a literal-minded, plodding dullard I'm relieved to have a straightforward, logical explanation. Wearing my sicko's hat, I still want to know what fruit flies have to do with funways. Are bananas involved?

Weedlord BonerHitler November 18, 2012 at 8:24 pm

I'm fairly literal-minded, too, so I feel your pain, or whatever it is you're feeling. Lookit, whenever funways are mentioned, isn't it a fair guess that bananas are involved? Not to mention mothers and babbies also too?

Frankly when I heard that I thought I was listening to spies talking, but the partner pointed out that spies would have sounded far more innocuous. All this talk about mothers, babies, bananas, and kombucha is making me hungry.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 18, 2012 at 8:25 pm

You will note that I am loudly NOT asking what "took care of the rest myself" involved.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 18, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Yeah. The other av is pretty fucking hilarious, too. I should try it out, just to annoy. :)

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