let them eat quiche

This $100,000 Chicken Coop Will Win You A ‘First Place’ Against ‘The Wall’ When ‘The Revolution’ ‘Comes’

have any of you ever actually seen a chicken?It’s that time of year again! Time for the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Christmas Book of Charming Gifts for the guy at Papa Johns! Can you stand the excitement? Neither can we! But while there are plenty of stupid ways to blow the greasy wads of cash that have turned you from human being to Donald Trump, only one really stands out for its gobsmacking lack of humanity and empathy and realization that there are units we call “people” who roam the earth, the kind that says FUCK THEM, YOU MADE IT! Let us find out what it is, together! (Hint: It is a $100,000 chicken coop, like it says in the headline, and also that picture.)

The broody room
Here is the “broody room,” whence you shall collect your chickens’ fresh gifts to you, their lord and lady, while you are playing “Marie Antoinette among the milkmaids.” The Rembrandt (we believe? It is ever so long since our Art Criticking days) does not come with the coop, but rather you have to buy your own chicken coop Rembrandt. GYP! (Saying “gyp” is racist, but come on, have you ever met a Gypsy? Damn.)

chicken versailles 2
Is that the chicken coop chandelier, in the library? Yessirree Donald! But what about all the people who don’t live as well as your chickens, and we are not talking about sub-Saharan African people not living as well as your chickens, but, like, AMERICANS not living as well as your chickens? Do not worry, they have Obamaphones.

Oooh, look, fuzzy tiny baby chicks! Aw! Everybody loves fuzzy tiny baby chicks! Now nobody can blame you for buying a $100,000 chicken Versailles while people still don’t have power from Hurricane Sandy! We are powerless against baby chicks! MORE REMBRANDTS FOR THE BABY CHICKS!

If you wanted to buy us this trailer full of Bulleit, however, that would be something else entirely. Or you could head over to the Wonkette Bazaar. Soon it will have underwear and cups.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. glasspusher

    A chicken coop that costs more than a lot of folks' houses in this country? Shit is fucked up and bullshit.

    1. ChapterUndVerse

      I can see the police report now: Le Petit Trianon accidentally run over by Bulleit Trailer. Gives whole new meaning to the notion of trailer trash, no?

      1. BadKitty904

        "Pay *attention*, boy! I'm cuttin', but you ain't bleedin'! (That boy's about as sharp as a bowlin' ball)"

        1. glasspusher

          Man, I love this. My old man did a great Foghorn Leghorn. Had the deep bass voice for it. Too bad he died so long ago, never had a chance to share it with any of his grandkids. Now I haz a sad.

        1. Mittaplasia

          "Manifold Destiny" has a number of Kill 'em & Grill 'em recipes; their poodles and noodles is the best!

  2. scorpy1

    For every Heritage Hen Mini Farm purchase, NM will donate $3,000 to The American Livestock Breeds Conservancy

    Egregious, and socially conscious! Even if it is chicken society.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Hell the Bulleitt trailer comes with a 5 times more generous gift (and to AIDS research no less). That 3k is, I dare say, chicken feed.

    2. NYNYNYjr

      ANd what does the fuckin ALBC do with that money? I mean its not fuckin amnesty international! They are buying fuckin gold tiaras for their chickens and shit. And rembrants.

  3. spareme

    I am sure my fav dead art history professor is rolling in his grave right now. Also, this is making my hangover hurt.

      1. ChapterUndVerse

        The well-wattled wealthy want one in every pot, as long as the pot's from Housewares and they don't actually have to touch either the chicken or the pot.

    1. Negropolis

      Seriously. Take that shit back. I will not be a party to such rank vulgarity. Get out. GET THE HELL OUT!

    1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      "Fiscal cliff" and "taxmageddon" complete with scare quotes. You'd think with all that money, they could also afford some originality.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Or hiring Sarah Palin for one of her $100,000 speeches ($15,000 discount for West Coast appearances.)

    1. eggsacklywright

      Wait a minute, I thought co-ops were all communistical? What are these richies doing with communistical stuff?

      1. glasspusher

        How much time do you have to hear how I fucked up a batch of extra crispy when I worked at KFC 31 years ago?One of these days, I'm going to do an animated short based on that episode.Fact: I still go to KFC a few times a year, so it isn't that bad…

          1. glasspusher

            Hah. Let's see if I can say this in less than 250 words- it's a finely honed story at this point.EC is done differently than original. EC involves marinating the chicken in a seasoned salt solution in a stainless steel cement mixer for 15 minutes. The waterlogged chicken is then thrown into plain flour, where it makes gobs of dough. This is pressure fried as usual.What I did was put in, by accident, about 10x more seasoned salt than I should have, and let it marinate 2x longer than I should have. When I opened it up, the only way I knew these misshapen blobs were chicken parts is that I was the one who put them in there.I cooked 'em up anyway, 16 year old idiot that I was. We ended up giving back about $200 to customers that night, when they complained their EC chicken was too salty :PThat's it, minus some more funny details. You will be invited to the opening night of the animated short when I finish it!

    1. glasspusher

      Indeed. We have plenty of wild turkeys up in the East Bay Hills as well. The toms will take on cars when it's mating season!

      "As god is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly"- Arthur Carlson

      Our turkeys do!

        1. glasspusher

          I live on Skyline in Oakland, and frankly, the joyriders on motorcycles on the weekends are by far the bigger nuisance. Noisy and rude. Send your turkeys over!

          "It ain't cool bein' no jive turkey this close to Thanksgiving"- guy in jail to Eddie Murphy in Trading Places.

          1. glasspusher

            Hi Biff! I'm sure you're one of the good motorcycle guys. No joke, a few years back, a guy on a motorcycle was speeding on my winding road, crossed over the line, hit a guy on a bicycle and killed him. The motorcycle guy's dad was on the Oakland Police Dept. The motorcycle was dismantled within 24 hours and the guy was only charged with speeding.

            I'm sorry, but the vast majority of motorcyclists on the weekend here are indeed jerks. There are some good ones and I have friends who are responsible as well, but for crissake, it's a 25mph residential area…

          2. Biff

            My comment had nothing to do with bikes or bikers, it was tongue in cheek about you living on Skyline in Oakberg…

          3. glasspusher

            Hey man,
            No worries. As fate had it, I was on your page this morning and read your post about being discriminated against at Waffle House, of all places(!!!) and found out you were a biker in the process. Would never want to offend a guy who helped fight back the Brazilian Onslaught! You're welcome to come to our place for Thanksgiving. kkkk.

    2. mbatch

      I used to hang out in a South Texas neighborhood full of feral peacocks. Not sure they'd take out chickens, but they tended to cause traffic jams regularly.

      1. BadKitty904

        They'll also fuck up the (lower half of the) paint job on your vehicle. As well as screech 24/7 – it's like living in a damn Tarzan movie…

    3. tessiee

      "We have a roving gang of feral turkeys in our neighborhood."

      If this isn't a "Far Side" cartoon, it oughtta be.

  4. snowpointsecret

    So this is where Chick-Fil-A gets its ingredients. The upscale furnishings indoctrinate the chickens with the hate the company is so known for.

  5. JustPixelz

    If I were a rich man….
    I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese and ducks
    For the town to see and hear.
    Squawking just as noisily as they can.
    With each loud "cheep" "swaqwk" "honk" "quack"
    Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
    As if to say "Here lives a wealthy man."

    1. AlterNewt

      There would be one long staircase just going up,
      And one even longer coming down,
      And one more leading nowhere, just for show.

  6. JustPixelz

    For all it's wretched excess, $100K for a chicken coop is more useful than a donation to Karl Rove's super loser PAC.

    1. GeneralLerong

      Oh, I dunno about the OT – lotsa fat ruffled hens and capons shitting and squawking and clucking.

      And I enjoyed briefly contemplating the end of most chickens – the decapitation cone.

  7. Loch_Nessosaur

    What are they going to do when they find out the chickens are just going to shit all over their $100,000 house?

  8. gullywompr

    Gonna have to try me some of that Bulleit, even though I have my doubts about a whiskey that comes from Indiana. But my mom's family is in Southern Indiana, which as I remember is really just Northern Kentucky, so maybe it will be OK.

          1. BadKitty904

            Hey, I was just sayin'!

            I'm a Florida boy – we've always prided ourselves on smuggling rum. Psht, I ain't studyin' no Georgia…

          2. gullywompr

            Well all right then. Back in college, we drove Shooting Creek Road many a time to get us our likker. The local advice always was, if'n ya don't want a hide full o' buckshot, don't stop your car to take a piss, just keep driving.

          3. gullywompr

            PS, I love the hillbilly tradition of double negatives, or even triple negatives, or more. Best I ever heard was from a West Virginia woman who was caught by the FBI selling her newborn baby. In her own defense, she said: "I ain't never done nuthin' ain't nobody else ain't never done." Seven negatives in one sentence, awesome.

          4. gullywompr

            I had seen this on TV, so I tried to find a clip of her saying it, unsuccessfully. But I did find that selling one's baby was only a misdemeanor in WV prior to this case (due to the national publicity, it was subsequently declared a felony), so the woman, Lena Peek, then aged 26, only did a year in jail. She is now serving a life sentence, however, because at age 40 she murdered the blind woman across the street in a robbery, to support her meth habit.

            I also came across several other stories of parents in WV since that time that have tried to sell their babbies and gotten caught. The more things change…

  9. Stevola

    " whence you shall collect your chickens’ fresh gifts to you, their lord and lady, "

    Yeah, these people will ENTER A CHICKEN-SHIT FILLED COOP and gather their own eggs.

    1. glasspusher

      If you're rich enough to afford a coop like this, you're rich enough to hire someone to take care of it for you, while screwing them and your other employees on health care.

      - from the owner's manual

      1. corthylio

        The owner's manual also had this helpful tip:

        "The gardener will be delighted with this fresh source of chicken manure!"

  10. JustPixelz

    Bunch of mooching chickens. They're takers, not makers. Although they do lay the occasional egg (just like Mitt! — rimshot!).

    Pay attention kids. This is how tax cuts help the job creators.

    1. HarryButtle

      We have a story about excessive wealth, amazing stupidity, and chickens…how was this not the first post on the board?

  11. eggsacklywright

    The Donald's would be painted gold, the better to contain his road-apple reds.

    And, ahem, this would be eggsacklywrong.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      If you read the fine print enough to get the 8 cases, you know it is based on FDA numbers, which have about as much meaning as saying the mean of my wealth and Mitt Romney's is about 100 million bucks.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Among rich pricks who throw boozy parties for their rich prick friends, the only reason that 8 cases of bourbon last a year is because of all the vodka and gin.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      A Wonkette™ coffee mug arriving with name-branded panties stuffed inside sounds like winning packaging/ consolidated merchandising, in a Martha Stewart® sort of way~

    2. gullywompr

      Funny you should mention it, I'm wearing my Wonkette t-shirt this very minute, lazing around on a Saturday. I highly recommend that you buy one, because it's comfortable, soft, and really accentuates the flat, rock hard abs you could bounce a quarter off of..

      1. Toomush_Infer

        How is it with a side of flab, pasty whites and beer gut?….because I'm really thinking of one…

    3. Native_of_SL_UT

      Hopefully Wonkette will give a man in need a little help and have Anthony Weiner model the underwear.
      And will the cups come with a jockstrap to hold them in?

  12. docterry6973

    With a little searching our homeless veterans can get free refrigerator cartons and hobo beans, so I guess this is OK.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Which bar do you go to?…I've always preferred the Wooden Nickel, where I first passed my exam in 1967…no big deal back then, just your basic driver's license check….seriously, congrats!

      1. tessiee

        Fun* fact:
        In context, lawyers were more like the keepers of law and order, and the line was spoken by a villainous character; so the gist of it was effectively having a bad guy saying, "First thing we do, let's kill all the cops".
        *the sort of thing that English majors consider "fun", anyway.

  13. VodkaGoGo

    Hey, those chickens create jobs! They deserve better housing than the moochers who clean up after them. Why does Wonkette hate the chicken job creators?!

    1. docterry6973

      I like job creation and retail demand, yet this still makes me feel all stabby.

      Dear NM,

      Please google 'French Revolution', without the quotes.


      1. VodkaGoGo

        Frank Costanza: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen? 

        George Costanza: Why don't we talk about it another time. 

        Frank Costanza: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing! 

        Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right. 

        Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.

        Frank Costanza: That's perverse. 

  14. BadKitty904

    Speaking as someone who's not only seen chickens, but helped clean chicken coops (believe me, not by choice), Needless Markup's chicken château is gonna stink like a GOP fundraiser after about a week.

  15. weejee

    Does the NM coop duh ville have padded ceilings so the darling birds won't fly-up and break their little necks as sometimes happens when they are startled in moar pedestrian quarters?

        1. glasspusher

          I hadn't heard that one- I could think of a couple of correct answers.Also:What's a sorority girl say right before she falls asleep?What's a sorority girl do when she wakes up in the morning?

  16. christianmuslin

    Are the carpenters and painters union workers or will they get fired when their boss has to offer them health insurance?

  17. VodkaGoGo

    The real travesty here is the property taxes a real American would have to pay on that luxury chicken coop. It's almost enough to make an entrepreneur say "it's just not worth the hassle owning a gold-plated chicken coop. I'm moving all my chickens to the Caymens." See what you've done pinkos? Now all our most productive chickens are just going to take their eggs somewhere else AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

    1. Biff

      I know! I recently built a 96 sqft shed, to get below the 100 sqft taxation limits. As it turns out they go by total footprint, so the roof eaves count against the 100 sqft. As always, I'm fucked.

  18. BadKitty904

    I want to see a pic of the pigeons, in little maid's outfits, that wait on these plutocratic pullets…

  19. sullivanst

    I'm rather amused that while two on-site consultations from the founder of Heritage Hen Farm, plus the construction of raised beds are included in the $100,000, delivery is not.

    1. glasspusher

      yeah, really: "That comes to $100,000, not including parts and labor"

      "what does it include?"

      "Everything, except parts and labor!"

  20. TootsStansbury

    Hey Wonkette! You should do a Holiday Catalogue in the Bazaar for the 99% rabble. You could have pitchforks, torches, knitting needles, guillotines, all sorts of nice things!

  21. Toomush_Infer

    You're looking at this all wrong – first, some 99%ers had to make the damn thing, then – do you know how dusty chickens are?!!! – Maria will spend up to 29 1/2 hours weekly (part time) out there, just to keep it clean… if that ain't job creation, you can have my pizza!

  22. glasspusher

    I have a co-worker who has chickens in his backyard and often brings in eggs for us. I'll show this to him, but I think he'll agree the price has too many goose eggs in it.

  23. glasspusher

    Man, I bet egg salad from such a chicken coop would taste great on Wonder Bread, but I can forget about that now (shakes fist)!

  24. YasserArraFeck

    'Murrica's chickens really are coming home to roost!!! (Thank you, Reverend Wright). Now, they'll have somewhere to rest their asses.

    1. Veritas78

      And someone overpaid, again. It looks like maybe $7k if you're good with your hands and have the right tools.

        1. kittensdontlie

          I have lived in a couple of converted chicken houses with fine art on the walls, and never felt cooped up.

          1. glasspusher

            I think the term around here is p-ness, so any time mine gets bigger…I play the guitar, so I don't suffer from pianist envy.

  25. fartknocker

    Rebecca, I won't purchase you a fancy airstream filled with Bulleit bourbon. However, I will purchase you as many Bulleits neat you desire AND bar food when you come to Austin for a drinky thing.

    If you were here this weekend you could watch about 100K South Americans, Asian and Middle Eastern folks who have really good health care and nice clothes spending money like drunken sailors over our little Formula 1 race in Austin. They are nice people and I must say I was smitten by some ladies from Brazil with bolt-on breasts.

  26. not that Dewey

    If you're really into chickens, and would like to make a statement, $100k would finance 5,000 of these, which would offset starving and provide economic stability to untold numbers of people. Fuck you, Needless Markup fucks.

  27. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    The sign above the back door of the chicken coop reads: "Eggzit Only."

    ETA: I know you're out there. I can hear you groaning.

  28. sundaytrucker

    You know if you people spent less time bitching about this and more time dreaming up ridiculous shit for the wealthy to buy, we would have more income equality.

    1. docterry6973

      Well, we can give each other small bars of steel as a sign of our solidarity with the workers. Communism with a human face, and all.

  29. MrsConclusion

    *One-year supply of Bulleit Bourbon and Bulleit Rye not to exceed four cases of each, based on FDA average consumption.

    Because we don't want to encourage an irresponsible indulgence in excess. That's why we HAVE an FDA. If eight cases of booze isn't enough for your $150,000, then kindly take your custom elsewhere.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      FDA telling rich fucks how much free bourbon they can have? Just more of that damned gubbmint interference with our freedumbs!!!

  30. unclejeems

    That ad is uber-offhensive. Someone should contact Neiman Marcus and ask them to pullet. Cocksuckers. You could comb the Web for days, pecking away at one site after another, and you'd find that no one but a few rich people in Rhode Island read the thing.

    Damned rich people, always crowing about their trips through Italy. Many of them spend their winters there, where they rent the old doge's house within the sound of the legendary fog horn in the bay off Leghorn, west of Florence.

    But let's not get upset by a few poultry ads like this. After all, the rich wingnuts lost the election. They'll be all cooped up over the next in their local Chik-fil-a establishments for the next four years, preening their ruffled feathers, and clucking about their bad luck.

  31. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Are these people aware of the volume of shit that your average chicken produces? We're talking MOUNTAINS of shit, and it will be on every surface, including the ceiling, as chickens are also acrobats with a god-driven mandate to put shit on every available spot.

    1. Mojopo

      If anyone wants a better idea about the volume of shit, and the mess, try this: Give yourself diarrhea. Pull down your pants, stick out your ass and spin in place. Spatter the walls, knock objets d'art off coffee tables, drown the hamster in a ball that your kids lost track of yesterday and now you know.

  32. HogeyeGrex

    Am I the only one who wants to buy the Annie walk on and give it to the ugliest, smelliest, most loudly insane bum I can find?

  33. SheriffRoscoe

    Now I understand the reluctance on their part to redistribute the wealth. Those chickens aren't going to pamper themselves!

  34. Nostrildamus

    Not realistic. My 3 chickens cover their "broody room" so deep in chicken shit you'd think Donald Trump was living there.

  35. Jukesgrrl

    For some reason, the adaptation of Camille by Charles Ludlam and the Ridiculous Theatrical Company just popped into my head. What a lovely memory. Must have been our Editrix's line about playing Marie Antoinette among the milkmaids.

  36. tessiee

    "Soon it will have underwear and cups"

    Cups *are* underwear, they're part of a bra… also part of guy underpants, I think.

  37. catholic4condom

    So you gotta be able to shell out 100 G before you can eat poultry products that wasn't produced in the 1.3 chickens per square foot density by the 10'000s? Of course I could make those with a $200 band saw, $500 worth of plywood, and $300 more for someone to copy Gainesboroughs in minuature. 9 hour of work @ $11,000/hour. That's good pay for carpentry.

  38. Negropolis

    Editrix, why do you hate job creators and freedumb?

    This thing is incomplete without an Egg elevator. Just sayin'.

  39. Nowisallthereis

    Know what's best about this? That chicken coop MIGHT have cost upwards of $5,000 to build. Somebody is walking away with $95,000 of some dumb fucktard richguy's polo muneez.

  40. James Michael Curley

    As broker for the seller I am ethically restricted in what I can divulge, but I believe they will take $98,900 if you offer by Friday COB.

  41. Negropolis

    Is the housing market yet strong enough to absorb such inventory when it inevitably hits the market?

  42. lulzmonger

    Something something coming home to roost, something something something the other side, something something so keep right on fuckin' it.

Comments are closed.