It’s that time of year again! Time for the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Christmas Book of Charming Gifts for the guy at Papa Johns! Can you stand the excitement? Neither can we! But while there are plenty of stupid ways to blow the greasy wads of cash that have turned you from human being to Donald Trump, only one really stands out for its gobsmacking lack of humanity and empathy and realization that there are units we call “people” who roam the earth, the kind that says FUCK THEM, YOU MADE IT! Let us find out what it is, together! (Hint: It is a $100,000 chicken coop, like it says in the headline, and also that picture.)
Here is the “broody room,” whence you shall collect your chickens’ fresh gifts to you, their lord and lady, while you are playing “Marie Antoinette among the milkmaids.” The Rembrandt (we believe? It is ever so long since our Art Criticking days) does not come with the coop, but rather you have to buy your own chicken coop Rembrandt. GYP! (Saying “gyp” is racist, but come on, have you ever met a Gypsy? Damn.)
Is that the chicken coop chandelier, in the library? Yessirree Donald! But what about all the people who don’t live as well as your chickens, and we are not talking about sub-Saharan African people not living as well as your chickens, but, like, AMERICANS not living as well as your chickens? Do not worry, they have Obamaphones.
Oooh, look, fuzzy tiny baby chicks! Aw! Everybody loves fuzzy tiny baby chicks! Now nobody can blame you for buying a $100,000 chicken Versailles while people still don’t have power from Hurricane Sandy! We are powerless against baby chicks! MORE REMBRANDTS FOR THE BABY CHICKS!