CAPITALISM SHEDS A TEAR  6:21 pm November 16, 2012

America Mourns Death Of Snack Food Murdered By Union Thugs

by Kris E. Benson

'There's lumberjacks and teamsters and sailors from the sea, There's farmin' boys from Texas and the hills of Tennessee, There's miners from Kentucky, there's fishermen from Maine; Every worker in the country rides that Farmer-Labor train. 'Today is a sad day for Americans because we are losing a quintessentially American dessert, maybe forever. This is mostly the fault of commie liberal “labor” unions who have the NERVE to demand a living wage for their work, which makes the whole thing double plus sad.

Of course, it isn’t actually the fault of labor unions but corporate spokespeople the media has SAID it’s the fault of labor unions so CASE CLOSED, no lessons to learn here other than labor unions mean no dessert, ever, for anyone, in Obama’s America.

Behold, for example, the first paragraph of the Associated Press’ report of the story:

Hostess, the maker of Twinkies and Wonder Bread, plans to go out of business, lay off its 18,500 workers and sell its snack cake and bread brands. The Irving, Texas, company said a nationwide strike crippled its ability to make and deliver its products, which also include Ding Dongs, Ho Ho’s and Home Pride bread.

And then let’s take a trip alllll the way down to the twelfth (12th) paragraph:

The company, founded in 1930, was fighting battles beyond labor costs. Competition is increasing in the snack space and Americans are increasingly conscious about healthy eating. Hostess also makes Dolly Madison, Drake’s and Nature’s Pride snacks.

See also CNN Money’s take on the Hostess closure, presented in an article titled “Hostess Brand Closing Due to Labor Strike.”

Hostess Brands — the maker of such iconic baked goods as Twinkies, Drake’s Devil Dogs and Wonder Bread — announced Friday that it is asking a federal bankruptcy court for permission to close its operations, blaming a strike by bakers protesting a new contract imposed on them.

What were the workers protesting? How much had their wages been cut? Why is this workers’ fault when the company tripled CEO pay in 2011 even though the company been in bankruptcy twice since 2004? These questions are NOT IMPORTANT, so don’t ask. What’s important is that there is one less item to cram in America’s snack hole, which we can fix by nationalizing twinkies. Also, is this actually a conspiracy between Michelle Obama and Muslim communists? No word on that, but we’ll keep our ears to the ground for you.

 
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{ 403 comments }

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I've been hoarding Twinkies all day. Let the snackpocalypse begin!

viennawoods13 November 16, 2012 at 6:29 pm

They should last for years. Not a problem.

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 6:34 pm

They should keep at least until the heat death of the universe.

Butch_Wagstaff November 16, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Then they could be fried! Mmmm!

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Protons will decay first!

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 10:38 pm

So that's the shelf-life half-life of a Hostess snackcake.

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 6:32 pm

OK now you're making me hungry for fried dough filled with something that vaguely resembles food.

Fare la Volpe November 16, 2012 at 7:15 pm

I too am thinking of Taco Bell.

cognachas4paws November 16, 2012 at 7:10 pm

You should put them on E-bay. Apparently a box sold for $59 earlier today. If that ends up being a legit bid, be careful announcing you are hoarding them. Who knows what lengths people will go to for a Twinkie.

rocktonsam November 16, 2012 at 7:13 pm

hey Barb, have you ever dipped your Twinkie in Hersey's chocolate syrup?

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Rock, you've given me a good idea, thanks!

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:18 pm

I honestly don't know if Hostess made them, but back east there is a product called "Funny Bones" (Drake's, maybe?) that is pretty much a chocolate twinkie coated in more chocolate and filled with a peanut butter filling. Much better than a twinkie…I usually grab a box when I'm back in NJ…

edit: Aha!
http://www.drakesfunnybones.com/

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:00 am

"have you ever dipped your Twinkie in Hersey's chocolate syrup?"

Is that what the kids are calling it now?

Steverino247 November 16, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Enough of the Petraeus scandal for one day!

MadBrahms November 16, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I was going to go with "Begun, the snack wars have", but I like "snackpocalypse" better.

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 7:50 pm

MadBrahams, I dream of a world where Chocodiles will be used as currency one day.

DustyBowlBlues November 16, 2012 at 8:07 pm

I'm with you, Barb. I'm going to buy as many as I can, and stockpile them. They are dee-licious plus would be the perfect emergency food to keep in the tornado shelter.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:02 am

In a pinch, you can use them to fill holes in the shelter wall.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 17, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Styrofoam peanuts have 1,000 times the structural strength. I think you're better off saving them for nutrition consumption.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:27 pm

…that slut!

Steverino247 November 16, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Wife and I don't eat them, so your hoard will be safe when we visit next month.

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 10:34 pm

I am excited about your visit. Jeff will have something for you tomorrow and I will email you about it.

Boojum November 16, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Yes, it is because Twinkies turn you gay.

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I thought it was the Ding Dongs.

viennawoods13 November 16, 2012 at 6:29 pm

And then there's the Ho Hos

MissTaken November 16, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I lick SnoBalls.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 16, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Minx.

Biff November 16, 2012 at 6:39 pm

What part of "twink" do you not understand?

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:27 pm

kkkkk

Sharkey November 16, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Either that, or the opposite of that.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:03 am

May Dan White rot in the hell I don't believe exists.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 16, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Who put the twink in the Twinkies?

GregComlish November 16, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Oh that guy. He put the extra "Ram" in the ram-a-lam-a Ding Dong. Then Hostess fired him because their supposed to a family brand.

PugglesRule November 16, 2012 at 9:42 pm

No, Tinky Winky turns you gay.

Swampgas_Man November 16, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Tinky Winky links to twinkies.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 16, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Pfft. I was eating twinkies before they were cool. #twinkster

Humberto_Echo November 16, 2012 at 6:26 pm

The loss of Hostess just opens up the market for Krokodil. Who needs to wait 20 years to lose a limb to diabetes when you can do it in 8 short weeks!

mavenmaven November 16, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Oh please don't let that catch on here. That drug is worse than death.

Humberto_Echo November 16, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Crude attempt to turn codeine into desomorphine. Kind of like trying to turn Benghazi into Watergate.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:28 pm

This is why organic chemistry should be mandatory for all citizens. Maybe biochem too?

Edit: Ugh. Just checked out the wikipedia page. Seems most of the damage is done by home made shit that the idiot addicts aren't smart enough to clean up first, and end up shooting in all kinds of bad stuff. Sad, sad and sad.

smokefilledroommate November 16, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Thanks for reminding me of those bone-chilling photos I saw awhile back… Ghastly.

finallyhappy November 17, 2012 at 5:30 pm

I see what it is now- at first, I thought it was one of those cute foreign names on snack food that your co-workers bring back from a trip overseas

johnnymeatworth November 16, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Sure, everybody blames Obama for this, but what about the oppressive feudal state that has flowered under the tyrannical reign of King Ding Dong?

Biff November 16, 2012 at 6:41 pm

If only we had voted for Mittens…

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:04 pm

It might not be too late if you're in Florida. Sure, they say they've got them all counted but you know those people have a long and deep history about lying, or as some call it, "Being a Romney".

bikerlaureate November 16, 2012 at 8:56 pm

You just know there's still ballot boxes sitting around, forgotten, in warehouses. I'll keep an eye open.

GlowneyHouse November 16, 2012 at 7:05 pm

We all know Twinkie the Kid is useless in a crisis, but surely Fruit Pie the Magician could have come up with something to save to company.

AutomaticPilot November 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm

By chance, are you speaking of Yama Lama Ding Dong?

Not_Mother November 16, 2012 at 6:26 pm

There goes my favorite insanity defense. Oh well.

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 6:26 pm

I hope that president Obama doesn't do a government takeover of Hostess. We will end up with Twinkies that are filled with asparagus if the FLOTUS has anything to say in this matter.

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 6:34 pm

And besides tasting disgusting they'd make your pee stink and turn green; ew.

MissTaken November 16, 2012 at 6:36 pm

No green pee. But yes, stinky pee.

Asparagus = Yum!

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 6:40 pm

No, Asparagus = Gross, Ew!

marechanden November 16, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I'm on dialysis so I can enjoy asparagus without consequence! Mwahahahaha!

Unless…does it make semen smell funny too?

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 6:46 pm

And taste funky, too; with a similar effect on girl-juice.

mercianomad November 16, 2012 at 6:40 pm

No takeover, bailout. TDTF! (Too delicious to fail)

CommieLibunatic November 16, 2012 at 7:49 pm

I figured she would make something more like this.

memzilla November 16, 2012 at 6:26 pm

All the media have missed the most important part of this story, namely… how does all of this affect Sarah Palin?

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 6:28 pm

At her age, she's produced enough Ho Hos.

Butch_Wagstaff November 16, 2012 at 7:40 pm

No more desert at the Palin household?

Geminisunmars November 16, 2012 at 8:21 pm

I thought this was their entree.

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 10:42 pm

No, it's always been a food desert at the Palin compound.

FlipFlopFuck November 16, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Hostess was an old surveyor mark company.

not that Dewey November 17, 2012 at 9:10 am

Don't reorganize — Rebrand!

PuckStopsHere November 16, 2012 at 6:26 pm

I don't know what the hell they are talking about. Ho Ho's are still very much available on the south side of Eight Mile Road.

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Yo, Go, Mo,Town Hos……

MissTaken November 16, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Oh noes! Now where will I get my hourly HFCS fix?

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 6:33 pm

At least we still have our Doritos!

Biff November 16, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Aren't Cheetos the official snack of Wonketeers?

Guppy November 16, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Then what are Hobo Beans?

Biff November 16, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Main course!

Fare la Volpe November 16, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Everywhere,

Crank_Tango November 16, 2012 at 8:20 pm

If you can't beat'em, Sweetums!

skmind November 16, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Donald Trump can file seven bankruptcies and run around like he is Sarah Palin. Hostess had only three, and now I have to go to eBay to buy Twinkies?

This is not right, people.

[starting a petition to secede]

gullywompr November 16, 2012 at 6:28 pm

NO! Not those cakes we like!!

MissTaken November 16, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Nobody better fuck with my cedar cheese!

Tangled sin tax November 16, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Choice of discerning woodchucks everywhere

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:38 pm

no wonder your comments are Extra Sharp

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 6:28 pm

The important thing is that our media always takes what our corporate overlords tell them at face value.

Beowoof November 16, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Well to do anything else would mean they would have to get off their fat, lazy, corn syrup swelled asses and do some work. Fuck that they boss says this is the story, here it is America.

PugglesRule November 16, 2012 at 9:58 pm

And therein lies the rub, yes?

boobookitteh November 16, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I'm just surprised to find out there are actual bakers involved in making Hostess products. I just assumed they were molded together by preschoolers using high fructose corn syrup and Play-Doh.

weejee November 16, 2012 at 6:38 pm

I thought Hostess was a wholly-owned subsidiary of Dow Chemical and those things were extruded, or maybe pultruded, kinda like they make spark plug wires.

emmelemm November 16, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Me too.

PugglesRule November 16, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Pultruded? You mean like the "chicken" for the McNuggets at McDonalds?

Mittens Howell, III November 16, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Preschool union thugs, to be precise..

PugglesRule November 16, 2012 at 10:12 pm

We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild,
And in the name of the Lollipop Guild, we wish to welcome you to Twinkie Land!

memzilla November 16, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Speaking of empty calories surrounded by a soft cream filling… how is Mooselini doing?

Tundra Grifter November 17, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Surrounding?

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Come on now, you almost seem to be suggesting that CEOs and other corporate executives should suffer consequences for bad business decisions. That's un-American and communist! Their pay should always go up, as the workers and consumers pay.

gullywompr November 16, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Oh, I see… no bailout for the snack industry, eh? Wassamatta Obummer, didn't they contribute enough to your campaign?

corthylio November 16, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Michelle said no!

gullywompr November 16, 2012 at 8:41 pm

HA!

Blunderthing November 16, 2012 at 6:30 pm

This shit always looked better in the pictures than it EVER tasted. Good fucking riddance. Pass the maple bars.

pdiddycornchips November 16, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Where can I find a maple bar? I've been jonzin' for one since I left Las Vegas. I'm in NYC so if you have a source, please share. Sadly, this is totally snark free.

CommieLibunatic November 16, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Word. If I'm going to cram hundreds of calories into my body in a single serving, it better be something worth ingesting. Pass the avocado shake (much tastier than it sounds)!

emmelemm November 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Peanut butter banana milkshake. (ohhhhhhhhh)

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I'm strictly a black and black man with my milkshakes…I likes my chocolate…

OneYieldRegular November 16, 2012 at 6:31 pm

True story: I once hung a Twinkie from a hook in the garage, and it was still pretty much in its original condition when I moved away more than 7 years later.

corthylio November 16, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Sadly, someone once showed me a McDonald's hamburger that was several months old. Looked like she'd just bought it… Thus confirming my longstanding dislike of any Mickey D's product except their apple pie thingies…

AncienReggie November 16, 2012 at 10:15 pm

I like their little hashbrown brickettes.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:41 pm

it would kill insects? They would fly into it, hit their heads and die?

OneDollarJuana November 16, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I saw a diner on the Food Channel that specializes in deep-fried Twinkies. Now what are they gonna do? Nobody stops to think of the collateral damage!

corthylio November 16, 2012 at 7:59 pm

S'okay- someone will buy the Twinkies brand at auction. And figure out how to do it profitably unlike the inept Hostess management putzes…

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Santa Cruz boardwalk, also

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:08 am

The owner will start a petition to secede.

finallyhappy November 17, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Tastycake- deepfried krimpets!!!

SmutBoffin November 16, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I heard that OBAMA bowed down before King Don.

INPEACH!!!!!!!!!

snowpointsecret November 16, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Yeah, but I heard Romney bowed before Jesus.

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Even worse; I heard he bowed to Don King.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:08 am

The fuck is that?

not that Dewey November 17, 2012 at 9:06 am

A special variant of Ding Dongs that was marketed in Canada (and available in NYC), to sidestep trademark infringement.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ding_Dong#Cartoon_ch

HarryButtle November 16, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Woody Harrelson's gonna be pissed…

weejee November 16, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Had to sign that petition. For the freedomz and all. Also, too David P (David Petraeus, obvs) signed just after me. Looks like Holly P and the rest of the ladies haven't signed yet.

Barrelhse November 16, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Fuck Twinkies and God Save the Unions.

smokefilledroommate November 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Dontcha mean Funyuns?

OneDollarJuana November 16, 2012 at 6:35 pm

And while I'm on disappearing American traditions, have you called the President, your Senators, and Congresspeople about this impending "deal" to cut Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid in exchange for a small bag of magic beans?

Call now, and call again tomorrow!!!!!!!!!

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Except there is no impending deal to cut any of that; people are panicking over nothing.

Geminisunmars November 16, 2012 at 8:27 pm

But I heard something erother…somewhere.

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 10:53 pm

What do you think will happen?

I'm wondering, myself, how Dems are going to deal with Medicare and the like.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:40 am

Social Security is, as you know, a no-brainer. Medicare is much tougher (and I say this having just become eligible on 1 Nov). The inflation of medical service costs is driven, in large part by great and continuing and expensive advances in medical technology. And by patent abuse by pharmaceutical companies, of course.

An amazingly large percentage of medical spending goes to prolong the lives of elderly people who are near death. I'll go look it up, and maybe post something later, but it's along the lines of <significant percentage, maybe 25%> of all medical expenses are incurred in the last two weeks of a person's life. It's the modern medical-dollar-factory equivalent of tonsillectomies for all when I was a kid, except a couple orders of magnitude more expensive.

The problem is, trying to do anything about this situation is gonna provoke "DEATH PANELS!!!" up the wazoo.

A similar, although (so far) less expensive, issue is diagnostic screening, and the benefits versus the costs of follow-up on false positives.

And there''s more.

It''s a really complicated problem, and I'm almost certain that we're gonna fuck it up. I'm just hoping the Democrats will fuck it up more equitably than the Republicans would.

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 10:03 pm

I don't know. I think a short-to-mid-term solution is fairly easy: you keep cutting payments to providers. Doctors will scream holy hell, but the price of treatment is astronomically high and certain types of docters are, quite frankly, overpaid, at the expense of primary care providers and the like. There has to be some sense brought back to this market. There are few other industries where you shop around a product, in this case treatment, and get some ridiculous divergent prices. I think we have to solve this, first, before we even get to talking about cutting service.

Beetagger November 16, 2012 at 6:35 pm

I wonder if Mother Jones can bake?

SmutBoffin November 16, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Mitt Romney will soon author an editorial "Let 'Big Snack' go bankrupt."

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:18 pm

I was thinking a similar thought, but in it Mitt bought the company, pulled the funds out of the retirement account, took everything else that wasn't bolted down, wiped his ass with a dingdong (seems more pornish when it's written out) and then walked away, Poof, almost instant Bankruptcy, also.

PubOption November 16, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I think two other private equity firms bought the company, and then followed your script.

SayItWithWookies November 16, 2012 at 6:36 pm

The CEO had to close Hostess down — not because the union refused an 8% pay cut after he had given himself a 300% raise, but because sooner or later they'd notice how much he raided from their pension fund.

GeorgiaBurning November 16, 2012 at 8:47 pm

The progression of bankruptcies, loans, and turnaround managers at Hostess suggests that there's a creamy filling inside this for a select few. The union is an easy target for finger pointing on Fox Business channel.

Not_So_Much November 16, 2012 at 6:40 pm

This doesn't leave much of a food-like, cream-filled void in my life.

OzoneTom November 16, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Wait — is that a blah sneaking into that mural?

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Awesome tweet:
Pot legalized in two states, and the maker of Twinkies shutters its doors? Now that's IRONY. George Takei

emmelemm November 16, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Leave it to Sulu to be …AWESOME.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Warped?

Tangled sin tax November 16, 2012 at 7:08 pm

The cosmic scales of Good and Evil must remain balanced.

NDeeeZ November 16, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Here in Colorado, we're taking this news rather badly…

Sharkey November 16, 2012 at 8:48 pm

You had your chance. You made your choice.

Geminisunmars November 16, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Timing is a bitch.

Beowoof November 16, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Takei's facebook feed is must reading.

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 10:35 pm

He's so wonderful!

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:41 am

Obligatory "Oh, my".

SexySmurf November 16, 2012 at 6:43 pm

OT Here's David Simon calling out the media's bullshit on Patraeus. Worth the read.

Aridzona November 16, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Thanks for the link. Good stuff.

Dudleydidwrong November 16, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Thanks. Very powerful essay, and not only aimed at the media.

shelwood46 November 16, 2012 at 10:51 pm

So, boys will be boys and leave him be? Simon sounds dumb as a plant, too.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 16, 2012 at 6:45 pm

This is Obama's doing! He wants everything to be on the black market!

barto November 16, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Guys at Bain are kicking themselves for not getting in on this one (or did they?).

Jus_Wonderin November 17, 2012 at 6:20 am

They have their hands full over at American Airlines. Damn, coulda been a two county twofer.

OldWhiteLies November 16, 2012 at 6:46 pm

I'm reminded of the scene in Zombieland when they come upon a Hostess truck crashed down an embankment off a highway, and it's full of those Snoballs – no Twinkies to be found.

I am reminded of this because that movie actually did a decent job of portraying the desolation of a land vacant of everyday human interaction – something akin to giving yourself an obscene raise and telling your workers to suck it.

And what the hell are all those fairgrounds gonna do without deep fried Twinkies?

CommieLibunatic November 16, 2012 at 7:54 pm

That's why you settle for deep-fried Oreos instead, at least if you're not a raging homophobe. Tasty as hell, if saturated in guilt.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:42 am

There's still fried butter.

finallyhappy November 17, 2012 at 5:32 pm

I saw orange sno-balls today at a Walgreens- I had no interest in buying them

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm

It's been a big day for owners of companies that produce horrible shitty food acting like total douchebag shitheads.

PugglesRule November 16, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Horrible shitty food in, douchebag shithead decisions out.

Callyson November 16, 2012 at 6:49 pm

CNN Money’s take on the Hostess closure, presented in an article titled “Hostess Brand Closing Due to Labor Strike.”
What were the workers protesting? How much had their wages been cut? Why is this workers’ fault when the company tripled CEO pay in 2011 even though the company been in bankruptcy twice since 2004?

Oh for fuck's sake–I've stayed away from CNN since the "Vagina Monologues" and the "women vote based on hormones" flaps, and now I am reminded why…

Assholes.

Barrelhse November 16, 2012 at 8:28 pm

They seem to be trying to out-Fox Murdoch, God knows why. I won't watch them, either.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:45 am

By sheer coincidence (I'm staying in a hotel, hence have teevee), I watched AC360 a little earlier this evening, and he did quite a good job of letting Dana Rohrabacher look like an absolute asshole. Admittedly a low bar, but I was entertained.

LibertyLover November 16, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Twinkies and Ding Dongs and Ho Hos, oh my!

PugglesRule November 16, 2012 at 10:15 pm

But do the Twinkies put their Ding Dongs in the Ho Hos?

*smacks self*

snowpointsecret November 16, 2012 at 6:51 pm

What I got out of this article: Tastykake wins the war.

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Oh man, I would totally kill for a Butterscotch Krimpet right now.

snowpointsecret November 16, 2012 at 7:05 pm

I wish they were more available here, they're only sporadically in stores. They are certainly my favorite…

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 7:33 pm

They are definitely one of the things I miss being out on the West Coast now.

tessiee November 16, 2012 at 7:42 pm

^^
^
Aaaaaah, ya buncha East Coast eeeeleeetists.

[tiny voice]
I miss Butterscotch Krimpets.

MissTaken November 16, 2012 at 6:57 pm

I only recently learned about Tastykakes.

Nom nom nom!

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 7:03 pm

What's your favorite, MissTaken?

MissTaken November 16, 2012 at 7:05 pm

I've only had two, chocolate and butterscotch. I'm a fan of both, but more of the butterscotch.

smokefilledroommate November 16, 2012 at 7:33 pm

You need to try the Jelly Krimpets and Koffee Kake, k?

just_a_head November 16, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Try the peanut butter Candy Cakes. Mmmmm,

smokefilledroommate November 16, 2012 at 7:30 pm

I grew up near Philly, so I was raised on Tastykakes. Hostess was always too damn sweet. Peanut butter Kandy Kakes, please!

tessiee November 16, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Which ones were Tandy Takes?
Or does my memory have a lisp?

smokefilledroommate November 16, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Tandy Takes/Kakes = Kandy Kakes; same thing

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Srsly…I'm from NJ, and there indeed were plenty of good alternatives to Hostess' shiite. What is up with large portions of our "great" nation? The good food doesn't get out there, so people don't know what they're missing? Pizza, a decent sub sandwich, I've finally found the good joints out here in SF Bay, but it was an effort. Ohio AFAIK is a pizza desert. Very few good ones. Pizza Hut? Please.

shelwood46 November 16, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Time for them to go national! I love the coconut Kandy Kakes they do for Halloween. And the Christmas dark chocolate/mint Kandy Kakes should be out soon….

Tequila Mockingbird November 16, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Never fear, ye lazy Americans!! Make your own!

(Insert "I built that" joke here.)

tabouley November 16, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Back in the day, that would be approximately 1970, there was a hippy dippy tv program on late at night. Can't think of the name, who hosted it, but one night they demonstrated how to make "twinkies", using several bowls of ingredients right out of the Dow Chemical corporation labs, along with some beef lard, I think.
it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen, and I haven't been able to even look at one of those things since that, never mind eat one.
Maybe some other old person can remember the name of the show.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 9:47 pm

hey, why settle for Polysorbate 80 when you can have Polysorbate 100!

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:48 am

Never settle for the lesser Polysorbate!

Crank_Tango November 16, 2012 at 8:24 pm

I'm doing all I can not to make a comment about putting the creme filling in your Twinkie.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:49 am

I'm still having flashes of Barb dipping her Twinkie in Hershey's syrup.

Guppy November 16, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Who will support our comic book industry now?

smokefilledroommate November 16, 2012 at 7:37 pm

There will always be Cheetos.

MilwaukeeKent November 16, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I grow old, I grow old
I will wear my eyelids rolled
Do I dare to eat a Zinger?
I will walk the Yellow Pages with my finger

PopeEdgardo November 16, 2012 at 7:40 pm

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient in a Twinkie coma

corthylio November 16, 2012 at 8:01 pm

This is from "The Love Song of Alfred J. Fruitpie"?

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:50 am

Oh, good.

DustyBowlBlues November 17, 2012 at 12:27 am

Twinkie, Twinkie, little cake,
With a filling you are baked.
How I love your not-real cream,
With no pull-date, you're a dream.
Twinkie, Twinkie, little cake.
With a filling . . . {{holds head in hands, bending over keyboard wet with tears}} can't–can't go on.

corthylio November 17, 2012 at 1:27 am

"And on the shrinkwrap these words appear:
`My name is Hostess, Ding of Dongs:
Look on my snacks, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains."

anniegetyerfun November 16, 2012 at 6:58 pm

I know some burly gay men who are going to be really, really sad.

Oh, TwinkIES. I thought you said "twinks".

Butch_Wagstaff November 16, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I just wonder if my people have to come up with a new term now…

BadKitty904 November 16, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Hey, now…

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 6:58 pm

The most notable thing about "Wonder Bread" is that it's a wonder that they are allowed to call it bread instead of "A Ton Of Air Bubbles You Have To Pay For", too.

Fare la Volpe November 16, 2012 at 7:19 pm

But it's bread-flavored air.

corthylio November 16, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Here is an ode to Wonderbread: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/175605

I really think you can find damned near ANYTHING on the Intertubez…

CommieLibunatic November 16, 2012 at 8:04 pm

On top of that, I'd like someone to explain why bread needs syrup in it.

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Because if they called it High Fructose Corn Syrup some people with any internet experience would find it's basically poison, also.

Geminisunmars November 16, 2012 at 8:38 pm

One of my earliest memories is peeling the crust off a slice of Wonder Bread, then mashing the remaining white goodness into a solid lump that was a cross between chewing gum and a plug of carbohydrate. That was almost as good as a wonder bread, baloney (bologna?), and mayonnaise sandwich. One time my mother asked how I had managed to become a good cook. I had to answer that it was in self defense.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:47 pm

no joke! Not like my mom ever bought the crap, but I swear, one could squish a loaf into the size of a golf ball. WTF?

Franknflower November 16, 2012 at 6:59 pm

But what will we name our yummy underage gay men?

BadKitty904 November 16, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Same as always – jailbait.

coolhandnuke November 16, 2012 at 7:02 pm

This is good news for Lil Debbie.
And bad news for big Debbie.

tessiee November 16, 2012 at 7:41 pm

But is it good or bad news for Memaw?

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 9:38 pm

And middlin' Debbie?

deanbooth November 16, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Hoverround stock fell 8 points!

christianmuslin November 16, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Think of the children.
This a big fucking deal.
Carrots are not an acceptable substitute for those great Igloo chocolate cakes covered in marshmallow and coconut.
Then again, I am getting a little old to eat those almost healthy sugar blobs.

CommieLibunatic November 16, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Pfff, my mother-in-law's carrot cake kicks Hostess in the Snowballs.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Paints an image…

Butch_Wagstaff November 16, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Gah…I ate so many Sno-balls as a kid, I still feel ashamed admitting it.
I remember peeling off the marshmallow & coconut layer & eating that first. Then I'd go in for the creamy center. The chocolate cake bits I ate last.
No wonder I was the fattest kid in my class.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I'm sure you were just big boned.

I never liked marshmallow or really sweet stuff like caramel. I was usually the thinnest or next to thinnest in my class. Coconut was and still is a-OK. Mounds bars…mmm.

LibrarianX November 16, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Hostess is served at FEMA Death Camps.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 9:51 pm

That would make a hunger strike a pleasure.

e_z November 16, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Loss of Twinkies? Meh.

You take away my Little Debbie Nutty Bars and there is going to gluconic rage in the house

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:53 pm

No shit, you should need a prescription to be able to buy Little Debbie Nutty Bars even if they sell them over the counter.

CommieDad November 16, 2012 at 7:07 pm

It's not the workers fault. As I heard on NPR, Hostess has no new products, no innovation, and no attempts to overcome the negative stereotypes of their (disgusting) products.

Times are changing, folks. I just tried to introduce my daughter (Josephine, age 3) to Mister Roger's Neighborhood. She got board with it before he had finished tying his casual shoes and wanted to watch the new fangled cartoon "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood." It's the same show, but a cartoon, and faster paced, and stars a tiger. Ok, it's the same song. Mostly.

Sigh. Hostess should have made, "Mexican Twinkies" Which would be the same thing, but with a cherry filling and sugar instead of corn waste product.

MilwaukeeKent November 16, 2012 at 7:22 pm

No kidding, I think the two or three Bain type outfits that took over the company just ceased all efforts at marketing and coasted on the brands. I can't remember the last time I saw an ad for any of their products. Maybe I'm wrong but that's the impression. This has all the earmarks of simply gutting a company for maximum profit. Some of the brands will no doubt be bought and maybe even marketed, leaving the weasels with more profit.

DustyBowlBlues November 17, 2012 at 12:31 am

This sounds exactly right.

Kate_fate November 18, 2012 at 2:01 pm

"the two or three Bain type outfits that took over the company just ceased all efforts at marketing and coasted on the brands."

See, they got mixed up between the longevity of the BRAND, and of the PRODUCT. There's a story out there that someone left a hostess cupcake out in their house; and after four years, the center was still soft. And neither the cats nor ants had touched it.

PsycWench November 16, 2012 at 7:55 pm

True story…at some point early in our marriage Mr. PsycWench and I bought a box of Twinkies and maybe ate one each and realized that the idea of Twinkies was much better than the reality. And so 17 years later, we still use the term "Twinkie effect" to describe anything that disappoints because the idea is far superior to the actual thing.

GeorgiaBurning November 16, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Could happen, since a likely buyer is Grupo Bimbo. (NOT the one in Tampa)

viennawoods13 November 17, 2012 at 7:33 am

Here in Canada, they've been doing the most obnoxious "we no longer have formaldehyde in wonder bread" radio commercials over the past year. I have to change the station when they come on, since I don't want vomit in my car (again)

Tundra Grifter November 17, 2012 at 12:50 pm

My favorite part of Mister Rogers was the Speedy Delivery Man who short-stopped the videos he was supposed to be taking to other people so Mr. Rogers could watch them…

Schmannnity November 16, 2012 at 7:08 pm

First Mitt, now Wonder. The death of white bread.

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Oh dear, how many times have I thought of Mitt as being nothing more than a shit sandwich without the bread?

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Romney, Mitt Romney. Sliced not stirred.

rickmaci November 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

No we must face ourselves with the question, what would Mitt have done?

Biff November 17, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I think he wrote the scenario. The union bashing is a bonus.

actor212 November 16, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Hostess has tens of millions in debt and while its sales suffered a little this year, they only went down two percent over 2011.

And they did that primarily because, oops!, they didn't advertise much! Imagine if they had actually tried to sell cakes instead of allowing the corporate vulture they hired as CEO (who had already taken three other companies through bankruptcy in the last decade alone) to run out the clock….

If I'm the judge, I order the firm into receivership and place it in an employee stock plan and have the pensions fund the purchase. The workers can run it.

You know, Marxism Adam Smith's vision of capitalism, where the means of production are owned by the workers.

karlamarx November 17, 2012 at 8:22 am

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. if i had a magic wand YOU would be the Supreme Court Chief Justice, actor212.
yep.
this particular story rings my social justice bell AND my healthy foods bell. all at the same time.
my children have been told to put "Union Maid" on my gravestone after i die.

actor212 November 17, 2012 at 9:10 am

I have a magic wand.

It doesn't work like that.

editor November 16, 2012 at 7:10 pm

wow. i am so torn. on the one hand, i do love me some commie liberal union thugs, so yay! but on the other hand, this just won't be the america i migrated to! no devil dogs? (what's going to become of the legacy of the eponymous band?) no twinkies? (what's going to become of the iconic twinkie defense?) no wonderbread? (what's going to become of the fried baloney sandwich?) so many of the things this country stood for, lost …

i think i'll side with the commie liberal union thugs anyway.

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Oh the brand will be back; following the bankruptcy and fucking over their employees and creditors, the owners will sell the remaining assets, primarily the brand name, off to make a nice big old profit for themselves. That's how modern Bain-style vulture capitalism works!

Designer_Rants November 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Don't worry, we'll see Twinkies again. They'll sell all the branding in liquidation and the CEOs who ruined the company will all get million dollar bonuses for being such great capitalists. Let us celebrate their splendor in this, their time of great mourning for their beloved Hostess.*
-
*corporations are people too

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Ding Dongs and Twinkies are people too, my friend.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 16, 2012 at 10:20 pm

People, are they the saccharine ancestors of peeple?

One_Man_Band November 16, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Just glad to see somebody else on Wonkette knows the Devil Dogs. No Requests Tonight = greatest live alb of all time. At least, between song banter-wise.

decentcitizen November 16, 2012 at 7:13 pm

The Teamsters called in an independent auditor to examine the books during their negotiations, and discovered the CEO had run the business into the ground. But, of course, it's the unions fault.

GeorgiaBurning November 16, 2012 at 8:51 pm

give credit where credit is due- yay Teamsters!

DustyBowlBlues November 17, 2012 at 12:36 am

No group gets shitty coverage in the media than unions. I can just hear Andrew Sullivan going into an uninformed rant on this one.

Jerri November 16, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Diabeetus wept.

GlowneyHouse November 16, 2012 at 7:13 pm

So in the top graphic, why is the man in the middle panel holding a yellow flag with an anagram of "U Cunts?" Is John McCain involved?

Goonemeritus November 16, 2012 at 7:14 pm

You try competing with Little Debbie, That girl will stone cold cut a bitch.

MinAgain November 16, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Someone is getting a visit from Marley's Ghost this Christmas.

MissTaken November 16, 2012 at 7:18 pm

As long as we still have Bimbo Bakeries all will be okay.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:53 pm

yeah, wtf? I've been seeing their trucks on the highway out here lately. Do I want to buy whore bread from what looks like the brother of Snuggles, the fabric softener bear?

PugglesRule November 16, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Bimbo caters to Mexican(-Amercian)s. Their snack cakes tend to be very dry and IMO overpriced.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:56 am

Sara Lee is a Bimbo? Fuck me.

red_kira November 16, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Take two packages of peach flavored Jello ™. Prepare according to package directions, and pour into a large bowl that you have lightly sprayed with cooking spray. Set in the fridge for 45 minutes, or until Jello ™ is half set.

Meanwhile, open a box of Twinkies ™ and carefully unwrap twelve of the delicious, light golden, "kreme" filled, weirdly dry-tasting-and-yet springy cakes. Working swiftly and at a 45 degree angle, PLUNGE the Twinkies ™ into the partially firm (hey – hawt!) Jello ™. The cakes should remain suspended within the peachy glow of the Jello ™.

Return the bowl to the fridge and chill until set – up to an additional 2 hours.

Unmold.

Gaze upon the wonder.

OH NOOOOOOOOOOEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! No more TWINKIES ™!!!!!!!!!!!

GeneralLerong November 16, 2012 at 8:39 pm

You're the cook at what prison/retirement home?

DCBloom November 16, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Lunch Lady/Man

tessiee November 16, 2012 at 10:04 pm

I'm finding this distressingly easy to masturbate to.

red_kira November 19, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Then my job is done. :-)

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 2:57 am

Shouldn't this involve banana slices or celery or something?

red_kira November 19, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Probably. And mini marshmallows.

Designer_Rants November 16, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Looks like CNN changed the headline on that "story" of theirs. Can't stand the heat (or plutonium radiation; whatever they cook Twinkies with…) then change your headline.
http://money.cnn.com/2012/11/16/news/companies/ho

Biff November 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm

If they worded it sans spin, it would perfectly indict vulture capitalism.

MilwaukeeKent November 16, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Gah! I should have known better than to start reading the comments on that CNN link. Need shower — must take deep breaths and think happy thoughts or I'll smash this laptop.

emmelemm November 16, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Never. Read. The. Comments.*

*When not on Wonkette.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:56 pm

we set a high bar for some things, here, that's for sure. I concur!

emmelemm November 16, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Yahoo comments. YouTube comments. Comments on any newspaper website. Cesspools one and all.

They will make you question humanity as a species.

Designer_Rants November 16, 2012 at 7:44 pm

I got sucked in and started commenting… Time to go back to my book – "The Hunger Games", a slightly more palatable apocalyptic vision than the 1910 robber baron celebration dystopia we've lapsed into in reality.

Mumbletypeg November 16, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Let me know if it's worth the hype. I'm still waiting on my niece to loan me hers.

Designer_Rants November 16, 2012 at 7:57 pm

It's a real fast read, mostly in 1st-Person-As-It's-Happening (did I use the correct term there? I know you know since you're one of them smart teacher-y literate types). Halfway through and I would recommend.

Last week I got done reading "The Passage", which is also post-apocalyptic. Would also recommend, kinda reminds me of "The Stand", but instead of god vs. satan, it's Remaining Humans vs. Superhuman Virals.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 16, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Where of where will America turn to now for unhealthy snacks?

malsperanza November 16, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Raid Chris Christie and Rush Limbaugh's sekrit stashes.

savethispatient November 16, 2012 at 7:23 pm

From the BBC:

Hostess Brands was founded in 1930 and had revenues of $2bn last year.
The union's pension fund is its biggest unsecured creditor, and is owed about $944.2m.

Yes, so obviously it's the union's fault, they didn't have anything at stake here…

southernboyman November 16, 2012 at 7:25 pm

I'm a Little Debbies man myself, so no worries. Oh, wait, jobs. F*ck corporate raiders….

BadKitty904 November 16, 2012 at 7:26 pm

OT: In less happy news, a truly creepy video of Israel's Iron Dome missile defense system in action against incoming Hamas rockets over Beersheba – http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/11/i

BadKitty904 November 16, 2012 at 7:44 pm
glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 9:05 pm

It seems "whoa!" is common to both our languages!

Designer_Rants November 16, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Life imitates video game.

Tundra Grifter November 17, 2012 at 12:53 pm

And it was President Obama – you know, the guy who hates Israel so much – who made sure they had the Iron Dome system in place. Maybe that's the reason the President and Defense Minister had so many nice things to say about him.

Not that you would ever hear them on the FoxPAC…

ChillBill November 16, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Twinkies are just like the Tea Party: outdated, bloated, full of fat, unhealthy…and now bankrupt.

Spurning Beer November 16, 2012 at 7:32 pm

This is just hearsay, but I understand that the filling in Twinkies used to be made of sugar and lard. Then they made it more unhealthful.

MadBrahms November 16, 2012 at 7:36 pm

More proof that the cake is a lie.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 9:19 pm

The proof is in the pudding, obvs.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 16, 2012 at 10:34 pm

The Twinkie factory here in Seattle caught fire a few years back. I'm wondering if there were lemons involved.

Relevant data: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8ufRnf2Exc

rmjagg November 16, 2012 at 7:36 pm

there's gonna be a billion tons of unused sugar on the market every week – it doesn't look good ….

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Witout Hostess® Twinkies, Fruit Pies and the rest how will Spider-Man, Batman and our other heroes distract bizarre two-bit supervillains and foil their plans?

valthemus November 16, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Since dispensing with the Comics Code, ridiculously large breasts and threats of decapitation have been the standard methods.

smokefilledroommate November 16, 2012 at 7:39 pm

I guess this marks the end of the Wonder Years.

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Better days abread?

smokefilledroommate November 16, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Yeast. At least I hope dough.

tessiee November 16, 2012 at 7:41 pm

"Hostess Brands — the maker of such iconic baked goods as Twinkies"

*screams at sky in pouring rainstorm*
NOOOOOOOO!!!

Mumbletypeg November 16, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Twinkies I'm ok without. The absence of Ding-Dongs' may hurt a little. But not the Zingers. NOT THE ZINGERS SNARK CAKES!!

Disassembly November 16, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Bread libel!

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 16, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Where's the Strategic Twinkie Reserve now that we need it.

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Three stories below the National Bud Light Reserve in Holland.

Designer_Rants November 16, 2012 at 9:42 pm

"The Strategic Twinkie Reserve is in you. It's in me. It's in the millions of Americans who walk around with an extra 40 lbs in tow. WE… are the the Strategic Twinkie Reserve!"
.
~ Excerpted from President Abraham Lincoln's historic "Gettysburg Address", afternoon of Thursday, November 19, 1863

johnnyzhivago November 16, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Today he takes our Twinkies. Tomorrow our guns.

Wolverines!!!!

An_Outhouse November 16, 2012 at 8:05 pm
glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Holy shit. I buy King Arthur whole wheat flour,but I'll be damned if I make those with it…

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 8:08 pm

The Frito Bandito sez, "Fuck you capitalist gringo cerdos!"

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 9:01 pm

He's owned by Pepsi…

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 9:49 pm

I shoulda known. Feckin' corporate pendejos.

DustyBowlBlues November 16, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Why do I suspect there is more to the story than the corporate mouthpiece is telling us. Not that the dickheads in the corporate world ever lie to the public.

TootsStansbury November 16, 2012 at 8:09 pm

OK so you know what? I lived on the damn fruit pies in High School. I lerved the HoHos; one time at visiting friends at college camp? I ate a WHOLE BOX of the HoHos on my own; the circle and all. Ate an entire box. Wonder bread can go fuck itself however.

tessiee November 16, 2012 at 10:08 pm

While I don't particularly care to *eat* Wonder Bread, it's a little sad to see a part of Americana go extinct.
I'll miss the childhood memories of the bright package.
There's a Little Rascals episode where you can clearly see the Wonder Bread on the grocery store counter.

Butch_Wagstaff November 16, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Among the many pieces of useless information that floats around in my head is that Sno-balls were a favorite of the late great Rev. Jerry Falwell. If I remember it right, he used to keep a desk drawer full of them.

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Thanks for the info, but the less I know about Jerry Falwell's sex life the better.

Crank_Tango November 16, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Yeah, I didn't think you could keep that in a drawer.

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Tammy Faye Bakker's drawers, baby!

BoatOfVelociraptors November 16, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Who's got that junk in the trunk?

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:58 pm

binders?

tessiee November 16, 2012 at 10:09 pm

You perverts!
He doesn't mean testicles, he means those pink marshmallow cakes… which… is actually much worse, now that I think of it.

tessiee November 16, 2012 at 10:10 pm

My Dad once almost grossed me completely out of existence by telling me that one of the other guys on his bowling team used to have the same snack between innings [??], namely, a package of pink Hostess Sno-Balls and a Miller High Life.

Biff November 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

As a kid, I'd stuff the whole snoball in my mouth, eviscerate the cake filling, and wear the rubbery outer shell as a dental guard. This is how I developed my awesome oral skillz.

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Do Snoballs melt in hell?

BadKitty904 November 16, 2012 at 8:15 pm

I've seen this stuff at the grocery store, but it never occurred to me to eat any of it. Still, I'm very sorry to hear some of y'all have lost, due to overweening corporate greed, what sounds like an iconic bit of y'all's youth.

*eats a Moon Pie*

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 8:17 pm

This one's for you, BadKitty… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3J9Jx4SYNE

BadKitty904 November 16, 2012 at 8:26 pm

BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! I've danced the shag to that tune!

"I don’t want no taters,
And no gravy on the top,
And I don’t want no salad,
Or none of that other slop…"

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I've been a fan of dose guys since forever. ;-)

Come to think of it, my old friend Bob was in a band with the Q's great keyboardist Terry Adams in Florida before NRBQ formed. Bob and his talented son Jake – cute and smart, ladies — have a killer band that plays the better dives down here in lower Manhattan. Nice guys all. They used to perform with a very sweet old skool stripper who's name escapes me who worked back in the day with Lenny Bruce and his mother, Sally Marr (who I had the great pleasure of knowing in her later years in San Francisco,and what a sweetheart she was), but alas she passed away several years ago. She told some wondrous tales and shook some wondrous tassels.

Pardon the name dropping, but I enjoy talking about the wacky friends I've been fortunate to know.

DustyBowlBlues November 17, 2012 at 12:45 am

Here's some RC Cola to go with that Moon Pie.

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 1:14 am

I luvs Moon Pie.

owhatever November 16, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Being a survivalist true American with great forethought, I have planted a hunnerd packages of Twinkies near my tree fort and will grow my own. Try to steal my crop and I'll go Clint Eastwood on your commie butt.

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Clint has been smoking the same bag of stems for sixty years.

Mumbletypeg November 16, 2012 at 8:44 pm

"*sniff*…Now, this means WAR!" — Governor Chris Christie

shelwood46 November 16, 2012 at 11:18 pm

He was asked about it in a press conference today, and his response was basically, Fuck you for making me say Twinkies.

Jennyjen798 November 16, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Oh Hey! You know who's right next door in Forth Worth and bakes delicious breads and fatty snack cakes? Grupo Bimbo aka Mrs. Bairds and every other brand name bread products! Turns out the Mexicans ARE taking all the jerbs!

I shall miss the ding dongs, but not that much really. They were kind of overpriced. All that CEO pay I guess.

Sharkey November 16, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Hopefully this has not yet been mentioned, but for any Ken Layne fans still in our midst, check out:

Murderous Twinkie Will Still Be Made After Bankruptcy Sale

He's been quite busy over there of late, click his name to get a list of his articles.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 3:11 am

Are we sure that's Ken? Seems lacking in the death, despair, and Destroyer of Happiness departments.

sudsmckenzie November 17, 2012 at 11:15 am

He did a Ke$ha video review, … http://www.theawl.com/2012/11/kehas-amazing-occul

I think the hill people are holding a child hostage.

Sharkey November 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

You have to look for it, but it's still there.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:57 pm

First, Hostess closed, and I did nothing…

tessiee November 16, 2012 at 10:11 pm

They came for the twinkies, and I said nothing, for I had a shitload of Pecan Sandies in the pantry.

AlterNewt November 17, 2012 at 12:39 am
sudsmckenzie November 16, 2012 at 8:58 pm

"Assume Twnky deAd' @chuckgrassley

One_Man_Band November 16, 2012 at 9:02 pm

But what will The Go-Nuts launch out of the snackapult now?
http://youtu.be/la1j1_xTvbY

Sharkey November 16, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Oh, and has anyone made any Zombieland references yet?

We're losing our mojo here.

BZ1 November 16, 2012 at 9:08 pm

What does Debbie say about all this?

Sharkey November 16, 2012 at 9:20 pm

"Done with Dallas."

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 3:13 am

Oops. Sorry.

bobbert November 17, 2012 at 3:12 am

"Assume Dallas Done".

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 9:10 pm

For Betty Crocker's sake, perhaps we need to post a Wonkette Best Recipes holiday thingie, and show how to kick the ass of all store bought goodies? I've got a few originals and hand me downs from my family recipes…

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 9:37 pm

I'm all for that, though within Wonkette rules of course:

1) One cup of strychnine per serving
2) Exorbitant amounts of hemlock
3) No antidotes permitted

Anyway, I have a ginger based bbq sauce that revives the dead.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 10:35 pm

I remember Socrates' words: "I drank what?"

Biff November 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

Wait–you grind up actual gingers for your bbq sauce? Ew!

DustyBowlBlues November 17, 2012 at 12:59 am

I have Ken Layne's cranberry sauce recipe. Funny as it is tasty.

glasspusher November 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm

My original stuff mostly is in the dessert field, but I'm a competent cook of main courses and vegetables…not that those can't be one in the same…

Fred Humphries II Jr November 16, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Today we are all Twinkies. Ich bin ein Twinkier.

Baba_NinjaCat12 November 16, 2012 at 9:43 pm

How humanity will survived after a nuclear apocaylpse without Twinkies? This must be the end of humanity as we know it.

Steverino247 November 16, 2012 at 9:58 pm

It would appear that the Official Song of American CEO's is "Mr. Bad Example" by Warren Zevon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24mqb-IAHfo

tessiee November 16, 2012 at 10:02 pm

"Devil dog" spelled backwards is "God lived", so the plant closing is obviously the work of…
Satan.
^ ^

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 10:11 pm

The first thing my mom said, this morning, about this is that if a strike could bring down Hostess, it must not have been in great shape to begin with.

glamourdammerung November 16, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Two bankruptcies in two years, and numerous worker concessions. Yeah, I am actually familiar with the mess simply because it comes up in financial publications as a cautionary tale.

BadKitty904 November 16, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Mom is one smart cookie.

ibwilliamsi November 16, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Back in the '70s we thought it was quite a treat to get a twinkie in the lunchbox. My mom bought them for 5 cents each at the day old bakery. We found one way back in a cupboard a couple years back and it still looked and felt fresh. I STILL couldn't get my picky eater brother to eat it, though.

shelwood46 November 16, 2012 at 11:20 pm

We called the day old bakery The Used Bread Store (we got our Twinkies there, too).

JohnnyQuick November 16, 2012 at 10:18 pm

And because those ladies couldn't stop stealing from the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory, they had to get locked inside where they burned to death. And now I have to pay 15 cents more for every shirtwaist!!! Union thugs!!! Obamacare!!!

TribecaMike November 16, 2012 at 10:25 pm

I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night,
Alive as you or me
Says I, "But Joe, you're ten years dead,"
"Those Twinkies never died," says he
"Those Twinkies never died," says he

"In Salt Lake, Joe," says I to him,
Him standing by my bed,
"They framed you on a murder charge,"
Says Joe, "But those Twinkies never die,"
Says Joe, "But those Twinkies never die."

DahBoner November 16, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Damn Bean Twinkie Counters.

deanbooth November 16, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Ask not for whom the Ding Dongs, it dongs for thee!

weejee November 17, 2012 at 11:33 am

I'm so jealous on that pun I can't post about Hemingway weeping.

Well done deanbooth, but you do know that folks got tossed off of the Puente Nuevo Bridge in Ronda for less. (with piles of votes to ease the landing)

deanbooth November 16, 2012 at 11:00 pm

It may seem funny now, but we'll all have to choose a side when the great Twinkie riots of 2012 begin.

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 11:09 pm

I never got how Twinkies remained so popular. For my tastes, Twinkies are a second-tier Hostess product.

BadKitty904 November 16, 2012 at 11:55 pm

There's a first-tier Hostess product???

Negropolis November 17, 2012 at 12:03 am

LOL! Well played, Kitty; well played.

BadKitty904 November 17, 2012 at 12:41 am

*purrs*

lulzmonger November 16, 2012 at 11:20 pm

People making failsnacks are going to stop doing so?
OH THE INANITY! OH THE INANITY!
Hopefully my heart will carry on somehow.

Also too: Willard Romney finds this post perfect to fap to.

SavageDrummer November 17, 2012 at 12:41 am

Ha! Us socialists up north of the border get to keep our Twinkies! Also, the people that make our Twinkies are probably paid better than the people that maid your Twinkies, because socialism is evil!

viennawoods13 November 17, 2012 at 7:29 am

Oh, to hell with Twinkies. We've got Jos Louis and Flakies!

Biff November 17, 2012 at 1:00 pm

'kin Frostbacks…

lulzmonger November 18, 2012 at 10:10 pm

As a socialist up north, AW SHIT … I mean YAY.

YAAAAAAAY.

LionHeartSoyDog November 17, 2012 at 1:01 am

Krapfood4Kids is banned?
About Fucking Time.
Seriously.

lulzmonger November 18, 2012 at 10:15 pm

No guff. Some scavengers won't touch that shit.

PROTIP: if you have not yet read the historical narrative around the origin of margarine, DON'T READ THAT, unless you're a mite rambunctious & suddenly feel the need to despise humankind.

DustyBowlBlues November 17, 2012 at 1:04 am

I could use some Wonder Bread right now. I decided to make a couple of loaves of white bread to use for dressing crumbs and to have. "Shoot," I sez to myself. "Why not make Vienna Bread and do something I've never done before?"

That was about 6 hours ago. This shit is taking forever. Hence, up all night on the Wonket..

DustyBowlBlues November 17, 2012 at 1:10 am

Many years ago, when my firefighter husband was in Seattle, his station responded to a fire at the local Hostess Bakery. (Yes, people, they are made in bakeries). They put out the fire, cleaned up the place and didn't take a single snack cake of the many they could have had. Because it would be a bribe, and they all paid taxes so they didn't want free stuff.

Anyway, the owner of the place was so grateful, he brought them an industrial case of Ho-Hos. By industrial, I mean big as a refrigerator. All three shifts are Ho-Hos for weeks.

And that's the story. Now I'm too sleepy to type, so nitty nite, all and 'later, losers.

MiniMencken November 17, 2012 at 1:31 am

Well, we'll always have Little Debby. She won't let us down!

littlebigdaddy November 17, 2012 at 1:51 am

So, twinkies are white, limp, and filled with cream. HoHos are black and filled with cream. DingDongs are, what, rampantly erect? I honestly don't know what they are.

LibertyLover November 17, 2012 at 4:33 pm

chocolate-flavored covered cakes filled with creme.

MiniMencken November 17, 2012 at 1:57 am

Is this the work of the Penguin? Here is some disturbing evidence: http://hostesscomicads.wordpress.com/2012/07/04/b

Jus_Wonderin November 17, 2012 at 6:13 am

I live down here at ground zero of this travesty. I have one thing to say. We will never have a shortage of HoHo's in Irving, Texas.

Jus_Wonderin November 17, 2012 at 6:23 am

In the bright side, this is a WIN for Moon Pies!

BadKitty904 November 17, 2012 at 11:13 am

Damn str8, bubba!

Misty Malarky November 17, 2012 at 7:28 am

The good news is all those stale Twinkies folks are hoarding will make excellent packing material for shipping their Beanie Babies.

BadKitty904 November 17, 2012 at 11:14 am

Ship them…where?

Misty Malarky November 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Huh. Good question.

dandalion November 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

My oldest wants to take them to school and auction them off so he can support his xbox habit. :D

Misty Malarky November 17, 2012 at 7:31 am
BadKitty904 November 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

Well, he has claimed, all along, that the pix were a joke…

rickmaci November 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

Surely a great nation can afford a bailout to save its HoHo's !!!

Misty Malarky November 17, 2012 at 11:36 am

How about a new marketing campaign featuring their own mascot called "The HoHo Ho"?

ttommyunger November 17, 2012 at 11:45 am

You can have my Twinkie when you pry it from my cold, fat, fructose-crusted, Diabetes-swollen, amputated fingers.

Tundra Grifter November 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I'm old enough to have had my Mom serve me many Hostess CupCakes when I was a lad. And after reading about the BK I did go to the grocery store and get a couple of packages along with some Twinkies.

BUZZKILL Warning:

We were explaining to the Italian exchange student staying with us what the big deal was. And, being an adult by now (at least in years) I read the ingredients.

A single Hostess CupCake contains: 12 grams of fat (half saturated) – 320 calories, 110 from fat; 440 mg sodium (18% of the recommended daily maximum); and 36 grams of sugar (well over a can of soda, which typically comes in at about 28 grams or 1 ounce).

Is it any wonder this company is in trouble?

dandalion November 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

That and Little Debbie is half the price… They kind of priced themselves out of business… I too would once in awhile treat my family and I with a box of Twinkies or ding dongs…

dandalion November 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

This sucks because I am in a state that legalized pot… now what am I going to have with my Doritos???

Noah_Hegemon November 17, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Oh crap. What will we eat now when we get high? Bimbo!!!

LibertyLover November 17, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Tacos?

DahBoner November 17, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Cupcakes?

Maman November 17, 2012 at 5:08 pm

How much will the CEO make next year with no company?

Jukesgrrl November 17, 2012 at 10:18 pm

The top managers are splitting several million in golden parachutes. See below for more info about who actually owns and runs Hostess Brands.

Jukesgrrl November 17, 2012 at 10:17 pm

I read several of these reports and, yes, they all portrayed Hostess Brands as struggling under the oppression of union contracts. Not one of them mentioned Ripplewood Holdings, the private equity firm that owns Hostess Brands. Yes indeedy, Hostess Brands does not own Hostess Brands. It was purchased and then loaded with debt by the same LBO "specialists" that own everything from a bank to a polymer manufacturer to Lillian Vernon.

Ripplewood's founder and CEO Tim Collins, a former vice president at Lazard Frères, is on the board of Citigroup. He is also is a member of Tony Blair's Interfaith Foundation and is an "advisor" of the Yale Divinity School. If that isn't tony enough for ya, how about he's active in American Friends of the British Museum (aka The Plunderers' Museum).

Interestingly, in 2004 alone, he and the Mrs. donated to Joe Lieberman, Evan Bayh, John Kerry, Chris Dodd, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Wesley Clark, (I guess they couldn't make up their minds), the Glacier PAC (located in Montana), and something called "United Victory," and they both maxed out on their contributions to the DNC and the DCCC. The lesson I learn is that greed knows no political boundaries.

catholic4condom November 17, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Twinkie the Kid WILL ride again. They will buy a plant in the New Confederate States of America, where – surprise, surprise – no pesky 13th amendment.

Misty Malarky November 18, 2012 at 11:24 am
woolmyn November 18, 2012 at 12:58 pm

My cat Twinkie (she is the exact color of a twinkie, hence the name) took up residence in the yard of an empty house round the corner. When I'd drive home everyday, I'd roll down the window and holler "Twinkie, Twinkie!" Soon a young man bought the house and I would often not notice him sitting on his porch as I would drive by with the usual Twinkie holler. It was quite embarrassing when I introduced myself and learned that he is gay! I apologized profusely and assured him that I really, really wasn't homophobic!

Kate_fate November 18, 2012 at 1:57 pm

"Nature's Pride." gag.

Anyway, it's too bad. A corporation is a person, so technically whoever does it in could be indicted for murder. But since they're of course blaming it on people who would like, please, to be paid a living wage, never mind.

outragedcitizen November 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm

It is a sad day for all those people who were looking forward to getting diabetes.

Barbara_ November 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Soros is right about the first thing, totally funky spunk. I have no idea about the second thing. Gentlemen, if you want your wang mouthafied, you should wait to eat your asparagus until after the hummer. Please and thank you.

SorosBot November 16, 2012 at 6:51 pm

It does; a long time ago I learned that the hard, stinky way.

PopeEdgardo November 16, 2012 at 7:13 pm

The more you know.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:31 pm

beets are more fun. Changes stuff red with no unpleasant odor!

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 8:44 pm

All of 'em, Katie!

smokefilledroommate November 16, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Korrect.

glasspusher November 16, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Yeah. It's good to get outside the bubble sometimes, but damn. Disagreeing with someone is one thing, but civil disourse really takes a beating out there. It's fascinating sometimes, in a detached, academic kind of way, for about 10 seconds before you puke.

Barbara_ November 17, 2012 at 12:36 am

I forgot about those Just. They are amazing!

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