capitalism sheds a tear

America Mourns Death Of Snack Food Murdered By Union Thugs

'There's lumberjacks and teamsters and sailors from the sea, There's farmin' boys from Texas and the hills of Tennessee, There's miners from Kentucky, there's fishermen from Maine; Every worker in the country rides that Farmer-Labor train. 'Today is a sad day for Americans because we are losing a quintessentially American dessert, maybe forever. This is mostly the fault of commie liberal “labor” unions who have the NERVE to demand a living wage for their work, which makes the whole thing double plus sad.

Of course, it isn’t actually the fault of labor unions but corporate spokespeople the media has SAID it’s the fault of labor unions so CASE CLOSED, no lessons to learn here other than labor unions mean no dessert, ever, for anyone, in Obama’s America.

Behold, for example, the first paragraph of the Associated Press’ report of the story:

Hostess, the maker of Twinkies and Wonder Bread, plans to go out of business, lay off its 18,500 workers and sell its snack cake and bread brands. The Irving, Texas, company said a nationwide strike crippled its ability to make and deliver its products, which also include Ding Dongs, Ho Ho’s and Home Pride bread.

And then let’s take a trip alllll the way down to the twelfth (12th) paragraph:

The company, founded in 1930, was fighting battles beyond labor costs. Competition is increasing in the snack space and Americans are increasingly conscious about healthy eating. Hostess also makes Dolly Madison, Drake’s and Nature’s Pride snacks.

See also CNN Money’s take on the Hostess closure, presented in an article titled “Hostess Brand Closing Due to Labor Strike.”

Hostess Brands — the maker of such iconic baked goods as Twinkies, Drake’s Devil Dogs and Wonder Bread — announced Friday that it is asking a federal bankruptcy court for permission to close its operations, blaming a strike by bakers protesting a new contract imposed on them.

What were the workers protesting? How much had their wages been cut? Why is this workers’ fault when the company tripled CEO pay in 2011 even though the company been in bankruptcy twice since 2004? These questions are NOT IMPORTANT, so don’t ask. What’s important is that there is one less item to cram in America’s snack hole, which we can fix by nationalizing twinkies. Also, is this actually a conspiracy between Michelle Obama and Muslim communists? No word on that, but we’ll keep our ears to the ground for you.

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

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  • Barbara_

    I've been hoarding Twinkies all day. Let the snackpocalypse begin!

    • viennawoods13

      They should last for years. Not a problem.

      • SorosBot

        They should keep at least until the heat death of the universe.

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          Then they could be fried! Mmmm!

        • glasspusher

          Protons will decay first!

        • Negropolis

          So that's the shelf-life half-life of a Hostess snackcake.

    • SorosBot

      OK now you're making me hungry for fried dough filled with something that vaguely resembles food.

      • Fare la Volpe

        I too am thinking of Taco Bell.

    • cognachas4paws

      You should put them on E-bay. Apparently a box sold for $59 earlier today. If that ends up being a legit bid, be careful announcing you are hoarding them. Who knows what lengths people will go to for a Twinkie.

    • rocktonsam

      hey Barb, have you ever dipped your Twinkie in Hersey's chocolate syrup?

      • Barbara_

        Rock, you've given me a good idea, thanks!

        • glasspusher

          I honestly don't know if Hostess made them, but back east there is a product called "Funny Bones" (Drake's, maybe?) that is pretty much a chocolate twinkie coated in more chocolate and filled with a peanut butter filling. Much better than a twinkie…I usually grab a box when I'm back in NJ…

          edit: Aha!
          http://www.drakesfunnybones.com/

        • bobbert

          "have you ever dipped your Twinkie in Hersey's chocolate syrup?"

          Is that what the kids are calling it now?

      • Steverino247

        Enough of the Petraeus scandal for one day!

    • MadBrahms

      I was going to go with "Begun, the snack wars have", but I like "snackpocalypse" better.

      • Barbara_

        MadBrahams, I dream of a world where Chocodiles will be used as currency one day.

    • DustyBowlBlues

      I'm with you, Barb. I'm going to buy as many as I can, and stockpile them. They are dee-licious plus would be the perfect emergency food to keep in the tornado shelter.

      • bobbert

        In a pinch, you can use them to fill holes in the shelter wall.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Styrofoam peanuts have 1,000 times the structural strength. I think you're better off saving them for nutrition consumption.

    • glasspusher

      …that slut!

    • Steverino247

      Wife and I don't eat them, so your hoard will be safe when we visit next month.

      • Barbara_

        I am excited about your visit. Jeff will have something for you tomorrow and I will email you about it.

  • Boojum

    Yes, it is because Twinkies turn you gay.

    • Barbara_

      I thought it was the Ding Dongs.

      • viennawoods13

        And then there's the Ho Hos

        • MissTaken

          I lick SnoBalls.

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            Minx.

      • Biff

        What part of "twink" do you not understand?

        • glasspusher

          kkkkk

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Either that, or the opposite of that.

      • bobbert

        May Dan White rot in the hell I don't believe exists.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      Who put the twink in the Twinkies?

      • GregComlish

        Oh that guy. He put the extra "Ram" in the ram-a-lam-a Ding Dong. Then Hostess fired him because their supposed to a family brand.

    • PugglesRule

      No, Tinky Winky turns you gay.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Tinky Winky links to twinkies.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Pfft. I was eating twinkies before they were cool. #twinkster

  • Humberto_Echo

    The loss of Hostess just opens up the market for Krokodil. Who needs to wait 20 years to lose a limb to diabetes when you can do it in 8 short weeks!

    • mavenmaven

      Oh please don't let that catch on here. That drug is worse than death.

      • Humberto_Echo

        Crude attempt to turn codeine into desomorphine. Kind of like trying to turn Benghazi into Watergate.

        • glasspusher

          This is why organic chemistry should be mandatory for all citizens. Maybe biochem too?

          Edit: Ugh. Just checked out the wikipedia page. Seems most of the damage is done by home made shit that the idiot addicts aren't smart enough to clean up first, and end up shooting in all kinds of bad stuff. Sad, sad and sad.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Thanks for reminding me of those bone-chilling photos I saw awhile back… Ghastly.

    • finallyhappy

      I see what it is now- at first, I thought it was one of those cute foreign names on snack food that your co-workers bring back from a trip overseas

  • johnnymeatworth

    Sure, everybody blames Obama for this, but what about the oppressive feudal state that has flowered under the tyrannical reign of King Ding Dong?

    • Biff

      If only we had voted for Mittens…

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        It might not be too late if you're in Florida. Sure, they say they've got them all counted but you know those people have a long and deep history about lying, or as some call it, "Being a Romney".

        • bikerlaureate

          You just know there's still ballot boxes sitting around, forgotten, in warehouses. I'll keep an eye open.

    • GlowneyHouse

      We all know Twinkie the Kid is useless in a crisis, but surely Fruit Pie the Magician could have come up with something to save to company.

    • AutomaticPilot

      By chance, are you speaking of Yama Lama Ding Dong?

  • Not_Mother

    There goes my favorite insanity defense. Oh well.

  • Barbara_

    I hope that president Obama doesn't do a government takeover of Hostess. We will end up with Twinkies that are filled with asparagus if the FLOTUS has anything to say in this matter.

    • SorosBot

      And besides tasting disgusting they'd make your pee stink and turn green; ew.

      • MissTaken

        No green pee. But yes, stinky pee.

        Asparagus = Yum!

        • SorosBot

          No, Asparagus = Gross, Ew!

        • marechanden

          I'm on dialysis so I can enjoy asparagus without consequence! Mwahahahaha!

          Unless…does it make semen smell funny too?

          • SorosBot

            And taste funky, too; with a similar effect on girl-juice.

          • Barbara_

            Soros is right about the first thing, totally funky spunk. I have no idea about the second thing. Gentlemen, if you want your wang mouthafied, you should wait to eat your asparagus until after the hummer. Please and thank you.

          • SorosBot

            It does; a long time ago I learned that the hard, stinky way.

          • glasspusher

            beets are more fun. Changes stuff red with no unpleasant odor!

          • PopeEdgardo

            The more you know.

    • mercianomad

      No takeover, bailout. TDTF! (Too delicious to fail)

    • CommieLibunatic

      I figured she would make something more like this.

  • memzilla

    All the media have missed the most important part of this story, namely… how does all of this affect Sarah Palin?

    • Barbara_

      At her age, she's produced enough Ho Hos.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      No more desert at the Palin household?

      • Geminisunmars

        I thought this was their entree.

      • Negropolis

        No, it's always been a food desert at the Palin compound.

    • FlipFlopFuck

      Hostess was an old surveyor mark company.

      • not that Dewey

        Don't reorganize — Rebrand!

  • PuckStopsHere

    I don't know what the hell they are talking about. Ho Ho's are still very much available on the south side of Eight Mile Road.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Yo, Go, Mo,Town Hos……

  • MissTaken

    Oh noes! Now where will I get my hourly HFCS fix?

    • SorosBot

      At least we still have our Doritos!

      • Biff

        Aren't Cheetos the official snack of Wonketeers?

        • Guppy

          Then what are Hobo Beans?

          • Biff

            Main course!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Everywhere,

    • Crank_Tango

      If you can't beat'em, Sweetums!

  • http://www.themindisaterriblething.com skmind

    Donald Trump can file seven bankruptcies and run around like he is Sarah Palin. Hostess had only three, and now I have to go to eBay to buy Twinkies?

    This is not right, people.

    [starting a petition to secede]

  • gullywompr

    NO! Not those cakes we like!!

    • MissTaken

      Nobody better fuck with my cedar cheese!

      • http://www.wonkette.com Tangled sin tax

        Choice of discerning woodchucks everywhere

      • glasspusher

        no wonder your comments are Extra Sharp

  • SorosBot

    The important thing is that our media always takes what our corporate overlords tell them at face value.

    • Beowoof

      Well to do anything else would mean they would have to get off their fat, lazy, corn syrup swelled asses and do some work. Fuck that they boss says this is the story, here it is America.

    • PugglesRule

      And therein lies the rub, yes?

  • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

    I'm just surprised to find out there are actual bakers involved in making Hostess products. I just assumed they were molded together by preschoolers using high fructose corn syrup and Play-Doh.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      I thought Hostess was a wholly-owned subsidiary of Dow Chemical and those things were extruded, or maybe pultruded, kinda like they make spark plug wires.

      • emmelemm

        Me too.

      • PugglesRule

        Pultruded? You mean like the "chicken" for the McNuggets at McDonalds?

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Preschool union thugs, to be precise..

      • PugglesRule

        We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild,
        And in the name of the Lollipop Guild, we wish to welcome you to Twinkie Land!

  • memzilla

    Speaking of empty calories surrounded by a soft cream filling… how is Mooselini doing?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Surrounding?

  • SorosBot

    Come on now, you almost seem to be suggesting that CEOs and other corporate executives should suffer consequences for bad business decisions. That's un-American and communist! Their pay should always go up, as the workers and consumers pay.

  • gullywompr

    Oh, I see… no bailout for the snack industry, eh? Wassamatta Obummer, didn't they contribute enough to your campaign?

    • corthylio

      Michelle said no!

      • gullywompr

        HA!

  • Blunderthing

    This shit always looked better in the pictures than it EVER tasted. Good fucking riddance. Pass the maple bars.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Where can I find a maple bar? I've been jonzin' for one since I left Las Vegas. I'm in NYC so if you have a source, please share. Sadly, this is totally snark free.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Word. If I'm going to cram hundreds of calories into my body in a single serving, it better be something worth ingesting. Pass the avocado shake (much tastier than it sounds)!

      • emmelemm

        Peanut butter banana milkshake. (ohhhhhhhhh)

        • glasspusher

          I'm strictly a black and black man with my milkshakes…I likes my chocolate…

  • OneYieldRegular

    True story: I once hung a Twinkie from a hook in the garage, and it was still pretty much in its original condition when I moved away more than 7 years later.

    • corthylio

      Sadly, someone once showed me a McDonald's hamburger that was several months old. Looked like she'd just bought it… Thus confirming my longstanding dislike of any Mickey D's product except their apple pie thingies…

      • AncienReggie

        I like their little hashbrown brickettes.

    • glasspusher

      it would kill insects? They would fly into it, hit their heads and die?

  • OneDollarJuana

    I saw a diner on the Food Channel that specializes in deep-fried Twinkies. Now what are they gonna do? Nobody stops to think of the collateral damage!

    • corthylio

      S'okay- someone will buy the Twinkies brand at auction. And figure out how to do it profitably unlike the inept Hostess management putzes…

    • glasspusher

      Santa Cruz boardwalk, also

    • bobbert

      The owner will start a petition to secede.

    • finallyhappy

      Tastycake- deepfried krimpets!!!

  • SmutBoffin

    I heard that OBAMA bowed down before King Don.

    INPEACH!!!!!!!!!

    • snowpointsecret

      Yeah, but I heard Romney bowed before Jesus.

    • Negropolis

      Even worse; I heard he bowed to Don King.

    • bobbert

      The fuck is that?

  • HarryButtle

    Woody Harrelson's gonna be pissed…

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Had to sign that petition. For the freedomz and all. Also, too David P (David Petraeus, obvs) signed just after me. Looks like Holly P and the rest of the ladies haven't signed yet.

  • Barrelhse

    Fuck Twinkies and God Save the Unions.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Dontcha mean Funyuns?

  • OneDollarJuana

    And while I'm on disappearing American traditions, have you called the President, your Senators, and Congresspeople about this impending "deal" to cut Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid in exchange for a small bag of magic beans?

    Call now, and call again tomorrow!!!!!!!!!

    • SorosBot

      Except there is no impending deal to cut any of that; people are panicking over nothing.

      • Geminisunmars

        But I heard something erother…somewhere.

      • Negropolis

        What do you think will happen?

        I'm wondering, myself, how Dems are going to deal with Medicare and the like.

        • bobbert

          Social Security is, as you know, a no-brainer. Medicare is much tougher (and I say this having just become eligible on 1 Nov). The inflation of medical service costs is driven, in large part by great and continuing and expensive advances in medical technology. And by patent abuse by pharmaceutical companies, of course.

          An amazingly large percentage of medical spending goes to prolong the lives of elderly people who are near death. I'll go look it up, and maybe post something later, but it's along the lines of <significant percentage, maybe 25%> of all medical expenses are incurred in the last two weeks of a person's life. It's the modern medical-dollar-factory equivalent of tonsillectomies for all when I was a kid, except a couple orders of magnitude more expensive.

          The problem is, trying to do anything about this situation is gonna provoke "DEATH PANELS!!!" up the wazoo.

          A similar, although (so far) less expensive, issue is diagnostic screening, and the benefits versus the costs of follow-up on false positives.

          And there''s more.

          It''s a really complicated problem, and I'm almost certain that we're gonna fuck it up. I'm just hoping the Democrats will fuck it up more equitably than the Republicans would.

          • Negropolis

            I don't know. I think a short-to-mid-term solution is fairly easy: you keep cutting payments to providers. Doctors will scream holy hell, but the price of treatment is astronomically high and certain types of docters are, quite frankly, overpaid, at the expense of primary care providers and the like. There has to be some sense brought back to this market. There are few other industries where you shop around a product, in this case treatment, and get some ridiculous divergent prices. I think we have to solve this, first, before we even get to talking about cutting service.

  • Beetagger

    I wonder if Mother Jones can bake?

  • SmutBoffin

    Mitt Romney will soon author an editorial "Let 'Big Snack' go bankrupt."

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      I was thinking a similar thought, but in it Mitt bought the company, pulled the funds out of the retirement account, took everything else that wasn't bolted down, wiped his ass with a dingdong (seems more pornish when it's written out) and then walked away, Poof, almost instant Bankruptcy, also.

      • PubOption

        I think two other private equity firms bought the company, and then followed your script.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    The CEO had to close Hostess down — not because the union refused an 8% pay cut after he had given himself a 300% raise, but because sooner or later they'd notice how much he raided from their pension fund.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      The progression of bankruptcies, loans, and turnaround managers at Hostess suggests that there's a creamy filling inside this for a select few. The union is an easy target for finger pointing on Fox Business channel.

  • Not_So_Much

    This doesn't leave much of a food-like, cream-filled void in my life.

  • OzoneTom

    Wait — is that a blah sneaking into that mural?

  • Barbara_

    Awesome tweet:
    Pot legalized in two states, and the maker of Twinkies shutters its doors? Now that's IRONY. George Takei

    • emmelemm

      Leave it to Sulu to be …AWESOME.

      • glasspusher

        Warped?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Tangled sin tax

      The cosmic scales of Good and Evil must remain balanced.

    • NDeeeZ

      Here in Colorado, we're taking this news rather badly…

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        You had your chance. You made your choice.

    • Geminisunmars

      Timing is a bitch.

    • Beowoof

      Takei's facebook feed is must reading.

      • Barbara_

        He's so wonderful!

    • bobbert

      Obligatory "Oh, my".

  • SexySmurf

    OT Here's David Simon calling out the media's bullshit on Patraeus. Worth the read.

    • Aridzona

      Thanks for the link. Good stuff.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Thanks. Very powerful essay, and not only aimed at the media.

    • shelwood46

      So, boys will be boys and leave him be? Simon sounds dumb as a plant, too.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    This is Obama's doing! He wants everything to be on the black market!

  • barto

    Guys at Bain are kicking themselves for not getting in on this one (or did they?).

    • Jus_Wonderin

      They have their hands full over at American Airlines. Damn, coulda been a two county twofer.

  • http://wonkette.com OldWhiteLies

    I'm reminded of the scene in Zombieland when they come upon a Hostess truck crashed down an embankment off a highway, and it's full of those Snoballs – no Twinkies to be found.

    I am reminded of this because that movie actually did a decent job of portraying the desolation of a land vacant of everyday human interaction – something akin to giving yourself an obscene raise and telling your workers to suck it.

    And what the hell are all those fairgrounds gonna do without deep fried Twinkies?

    • CommieLibunatic

      That's why you settle for deep-fried Oreos instead, at least if you're not a raging homophobe. Tasty as hell, if saturated in guilt.

    • bobbert

      There's still fried butter.

    • finallyhappy

      I saw orange sno-balls today at a Walgreens- I had no interest in buying them

  • SorosBot

    It's been a big day for owners of companies that produce horrible shitty food acting like total douchebag shitheads.

    • PugglesRule

      Horrible shitty food in, douchebag shithead decisions out.

  • Callyson

    CNN Money’s take on the Hostess closure, presented in an article titled “Hostess Brand Closing Due to Labor Strike.”
    What were the workers protesting? How much had their wages been cut? Why is this workers’ fault when the company tripled CEO pay in 2011 even though the company been in bankruptcy twice since 2004?

    Oh for fuck's sake–I've stayed away from CNN since the "Vagina Monologues" and the "women vote based on hormones" flaps, and now I am reminded why…

    Assholes.

    • Barrelhse

      They seem to be trying to out-Fox Murdoch, God knows why. I won't watch them, either.

    • bobbert

      By sheer coincidence (I'm staying in a hotel, hence have teevee), I watched AC360 a little earlier this evening, and he did quite a good job of letting Dana Rohrabacher look like an absolute asshole. Admittedly a low bar, but I was entertained.

  • LibertyLover

    Twinkies and Ding Dongs and Ho Hos, oh my!

    • PugglesRule

      But do the Twinkies put their Ding Dongs in the Ho Hos?

      *smacks self*

  • snowpointsecret

    What I got out of this article: Tastykake wins the war.

    • Barbara_

      Oh man, I would totally kill for a Butterscotch Krimpet right now.

      • snowpointsecret

        I wish they were more available here, they're only sporadically in stores. They are certainly my favorite…

        • SorosBot

          They are definitely one of the things I miss being out on the West Coast now.

      • tessiee

        ^^
        ^
        Aaaaaah, ya buncha East Coast eeeeleeetists.

        [tiny voice]
        I miss Butterscotch Krimpets.

    • MissTaken

      I only recently learned about Tastykakes.

      Nom nom nom!

      • Barbara_

        What's your favorite, MissTaken?

        • MissTaken

          I've only had two, chocolate and butterscotch. I'm a fan of both, but more of the butterscotch.

          • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

            You need to try the Jelly Krimpets and Koffee Kake, k?

          • glasspusher

            All of 'em, Katie!

          • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

            Korrect.

          • just_a_head

            Try the peanut butter Candy Cakes. Mmmmm,

          • Barbara_

            I forgot about those Just. They are amazing!

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      I grew up near Philly, so I was raised on Tastykakes. Hostess was always too damn sweet. Peanut butter Kandy Kakes, please!

      • tessiee

        Which ones were Tandy Takes?
        Or does my memory have a lisp?

        • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          Tandy Takes/Kakes = Kandy Kakes; same thing

          • glasspusher

            Srsly…I'm from NJ, and there indeed were plenty of good alternatives to Hostess' shiite. What is up with large portions of our "great" nation? The good food doesn't get out there, so people don't know what they're missing? Pizza, a decent sub sandwich, I've finally found the good joints out here in SF Bay, but it was an effort. Ohio AFAIK is a pizza desert. Very few good ones. Pizza Hut? Please.

    • shelwood46

      Time for them to go national! I love the coconut Kandy Kakes they do for Halloween. And the Christmas dark chocolate/mint Kandy Kakes should be out soon….

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Never fear, ye lazy Americans!! Make your own!

    (Insert "I built that" joke here.)

    • tabouley

      Back in the day, that would be approximately 1970, there was a hippy dippy tv program on late at night. Can't think of the name, who hosted it, but one night they demonstrated how to make "twinkies", using several bowls of ingredients right out of the Dow Chemical corporation labs, along with some beef lard, I think.
      it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen, and I haven't been able to even look at one of those things since that, never mind eat one.
      Maybe some other old person can remember the name of the show.

      • glasspusher

        hey, why settle for Polysorbate 80 when you can have Polysorbate 100!

        • bobbert

          Never settle for the lesser Polysorbate!

    • Crank_Tango

      I'm doing all I can not to make a comment about putting the creme filling in your Twinkie.

      • bobbert

        I'm still having flashes of Barb dipping her Twinkie in Hershey's syrup.

  • Guppy

    Who will support our comic book industry now?

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      There will always be Cheetos.

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    I grow old, I grow old
    I will wear my eyelids rolled
    Do I dare to eat a Zinger?
    I will walk the Yellow Pages with my finger

    • PopeEdgardo

      LET us go then, you and I,
      When the evening is spread out against the sky
      Like a patient in a Twinkie coma

    • corthylio

      This is from "The Love Song of Alfred J. Fruitpie"?

      • bobbert

        Oh, good.

    • DustyBowlBlues

      Twinkie, Twinkie, little cake,
      With a filling you are baked.
      How I love your not-real cream,
      With no pull-date, you're a dream.
      Twinkie, Twinkie, little cake.
      With a filling . . . {{holds head in hands, bending over keyboard wet with tears}} can't–can't go on.

    • corthylio

      "And on the shrinkwrap these words appear:
      `My name is Hostess, Ding of Dongs:
      Look on my snacks, ye mighty, and despair!'
      Nothing beside remains."

  • anniegetyerfun

    I know some burly gay men who are going to be really, really sad.

    Oh, TwinkIES. I thought you said "twinks".

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I just wonder if my people have to come up with a new term now…

    • BadKitty904

      Hey, now…

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    The most notable thing about "Wonder Bread" is that it's a wonder that they are allowed to call it bread instead of "A Ton Of Air Bubbles You Have To Pay For", too.

    • Fare la Volpe

      But it's bread-flavored air.

    • corthylio

      Here is an ode to Wonderbread: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/175605

      I really think you can find damned near ANYTHING on the Intertubez…

    • CommieLibunatic

      On top of that, I'd like someone to explain why bread needs syrup in it.

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        Because if they called it High Fructose Corn Syrup some people with any internet experience would find it's basically poison, also.

    • Geminisunmars

      One of my earliest memories is peeling the crust off a slice of Wonder Bread, then mashing the remaining white goodness into a solid lump that was a cross between chewing gum and a plug of carbohydrate. That was almost as good as a wonder bread, baloney (bologna?), and mayonnaise sandwich. One time my mother asked how I had managed to become a good cook. I had to answer that it was in self defense.

      • glasspusher

        no joke! Not like my mom ever bought the crap, but I swear, one could squish a loaf into the size of a golf ball. WTF?

  • Franknflower

    But what will we name our yummy underage gay men?

    • BadKitty904

      Same as always – jailbait.

  • coolhandnuke

    This is good news for Lil Debbie.
    And bad news for big Debbie.

    • tessiee

      But is it good or bad news for Memaw?

    • TribecaMike

      And middlin' Debbie?

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Hoverround stock fell 8 points!

  • christianmuslin

    Think of the children.
    This a big fucking deal.
    Carrots are not an acceptable substitute for those great Igloo chocolate cakes covered in marshmallow and coconut.
    Then again, I am getting a little old to eat those almost healthy sugar blobs.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Pfff, my mother-in-law's carrot cake kicks Hostess in the Snowballs.

      • glasspusher

        Paints an image…

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Gah…I ate so many Sno-balls as a kid, I still feel ashamed admitting it.
      I remember peeling off the marshmallow & coconut layer & eating that first. Then I'd go in for the creamy center. The chocolate cake bits I ate last.
      No wonder I was the fattest kid in my class.

      • glasspusher

        I'm sure you were just big boned.

        I never liked marshmallow or really sweet stuff like caramel. I was usually the thinnest or next to thinnest in my class. Coconut was and still is a-OK. Mounds bars…mmm.

  • LibrarianX

    Hostess is served at FEMA Death Camps.

    • glasspusher

      That would make a hunger strike a pleasure.

  • e_z

    Loss of Twinkies? Meh.

    You take away my Little Debbie Nutty Bars and there is going to gluconic rage in the house

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      No shit, you should need a prescription to be able to buy Little Debbie Nutty Bars even if they sell them over the counter.

  • CommieDad

    It's not the workers fault. As I heard on NPR, Hostess has no new products, no innovation, and no attempts to overcome the negative stereotypes of their (disgusting) products.

    Times are changing, folks. I just tried to introduce my daughter (Josephine, age 3) to Mister Roger's Neighborhood. She got board with it before he had finished tying his casual shoes and wanted to watch the new fangled cartoon "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood." It's the same show, but a cartoon, and faster paced, and stars a tiger. Ok, it's the same song. Mostly.

    Sigh. Hostess should have made, "Mexican Twinkies" Which would be the same thing, but with a cherry filling and sugar instead of corn waste product.

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      No kidding, I think the two or three Bain type outfits that took over the company just ceased all efforts at marketing and coasted on the brands. I can't remember the last time I saw an ad for any of their products. Maybe I'm wrong but that's the impression. This has all the earmarks of simply gutting a company for maximum profit. Some of the brands will no doubt be bought and maybe even marketed, leaving the weasels with more profit.

      • DustyBowlBlues

        This sounds exactly right.

      • Kate_fate

        "the two or three Bain type outfits that took over the company just ceased all efforts at marketing and coasted on the brands."

        See, they got mixed up between the longevity of the BRAND, and of the PRODUCT. There's a story out there that someone left a hostess cupcake out in their house; and after four years, the center was still soft. And neither the cats nor ants had touched it.

    • PsycWench

      True story…at some point early in our marriage Mr. PsycWench and I bought a box of Twinkies and maybe ate one each and realized that the idea of Twinkies was much better than the reality. And so 17 years later, we still use the term "Twinkie effect" to describe anything that disappoints because the idea is far superior to the actual thing.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Could happen, since a likely buyer is Grupo Bimbo. (NOT the one in Tampa)

    • viennawoods13

      Here in Canada, they've been doing the most obnoxious "we no longer have formaldehyde in wonder bread" radio commercials over the past year. I have to change the station when they come on, since I don't want vomit in my car (again)

    • Tundra Grifter

      My favorite part of Mister Rogers was the Speedy Delivery Man who short-stopped the videos he was supposed to be taking to other people so Mr. Rogers could watch them…

  • Schmannnity

    First Mitt, now Wonder. The death of white bread.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Oh dear, how many times have I thought of Mitt as being nothing more than a shit sandwich without the bread?

    • TribecaMike

      Romney, Mitt Romney. Sliced not stirred.

    • rickmaci

      No we must face ourselves with the question, what would Mitt have done?

      • Biff

        I think he wrote the scenario. The union bashing is a bonus.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Hostess has tens of millions in debt and while its sales suffered a little this year, they only went down two percent over 2011.

    And they did that primarily because, oops!, they didn't advertise much! Imagine if they had actually tried to sell cakes instead of allowing the corporate vulture they hired as CEO (who had already taken three other companies through bankruptcy in the last decade alone) to run out the clock….

    If I'm the judge, I order the firm into receivership and place it in an employee stock plan and have the pensions fund the purchase. The workers can run it.

    You know, Marxism Adam Smith's vision of capitalism, where the means of production are owned by the workers.

    • karlamarx

      yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. if i had a magic wand YOU would be the Supreme Court Chief Justice, actor212.
      yep.
      this particular story rings my social justice bell AND my healthy foods bell. all at the same time.
      my children have been told to put "Union Maid" on my gravestone after i die.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I have a magic wand.

        It doesn't work like that.

  • editor

    wow. i am so torn. on the one hand, i do love me some commie liberal union thugs, so yay! but on the other hand, this just won't be the america i migrated to! no devil dogs? (what's going to become of the legacy of the eponymous band?) no twinkies? (what's going to become of the iconic twinkie defense?) no wonderbread? (what's going to become of the fried baloney sandwich?) so many of the things this country stood for, lost …

    i think i'll side with the commie liberal union thugs anyway.

    • SorosBot

      Oh the brand will be back; following the bankruptcy and fucking over their employees and creditors, the owners will sell the remaining assets, primarily the brand name, off to make a nice big old profit for themselves. That's how modern Bain-style vulture capitalism works!

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Don't worry, we'll see Twinkies again. They'll sell all the branding in liquidation and the CEOs who ruined the company will all get million dollar bonuses for being such great capitalists. Let us celebrate their splendor in this, their time of great mourning for their beloved Hostess.*

      *corporations are people too

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        Ding Dongs and Twinkies are people too, my friend.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          People, are they the saccharine ancestors of peeple?

    • One_Man_Band

      Just glad to see somebody else on Wonkette knows the Devil Dogs. No Requests Tonight = greatest live alb of all time. At least, between song banter-wise.

  • decentcitizen

    The Teamsters called in an independent auditor to examine the books during their negotiations, and discovered the CEO had run the business into the ground. But, of course, it's the unions fault.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      give credit where credit is due- yay Teamsters!

    • DustyBowlBlues

      No group gets shitty coverage in the media than unions. I can just hear Andrew Sullivan going into an uninformed rant on this one.

  • Jerri

    Diabeetus wept.

  • GlowneyHouse

    So in the top graphic, why is the man in the middle panel holding a yellow flag with an anagram of "U Cunts?" Is John McCain involved?

  • Goonemeritus

    You try competing with Little Debbie, That girl will stone cold cut a bitch.

  • MinAgain

    Someone is getting a visit from Marley's Ghost this Christmas.

  • MissTaken

    As long as we still have Bimbo Bakeries all will be okay.

    • glasspusher

      yeah, wtf? I've been seeing their trucks on the highway out here lately. Do I want to buy whore bread from what looks like the brother of Snuggles, the fabric softener bear?

      • PugglesRule

        Bimbo caters to Mexican(-Amercian)s. Their snack cakes tend to be very dry and IMO overpriced.

    • bobbert

      Sara Lee is a Bimbo? Fuck me.

  • red_kira

    Take two packages of peach flavored Jello ™. Prepare according to package directions, and pour into a large bowl that you have lightly sprayed with cooking spray. Set in the fridge for 45 minutes, or until Jello ™ is half set.

    Meanwhile, open a box of Twinkies ™ and carefully unwrap twelve of the delicious, light golden, "kreme" filled, weirdly dry-tasting-and-yet springy cakes. Working swiftly and at a 45 degree angle, PLUNGE the Twinkies ™ into the partially firm (hey – hawt!) Jello ™. The cakes should remain suspended within the peachy glow of the Jello ™.

    Return the bowl to the fridge and chill until set – up to an additional 2 hours.

    Unmold.

    Gaze upon the wonder.

    OH NOOOOOOOOOOEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! No more TWINKIES ™!!!!!!!!!!!

    • GeneralLerong

      You're the cook at what prison/retirement home?

      • DCBloom

        Lunch Lady/Man

    • tessiee

      I'm finding this distressingly easy to masturbate to.

      • red_kira

        Then my job is done. :-)

    • bobbert

      Shouldn't this involve banana slices or celery or something?

      • red_kira

        Probably. And mini marshmallows.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Looks like CNN changed the headline on that "story" of theirs. Can't stand the heat (or plutonium radiation; whatever they cook Twinkies with…) then change your headline.
    http://money.cnn.com/2012/11/16/news/companies/ho

    • Biff

      If they worded it sans spin, it would perfectly indict vulture capitalism.

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      Gah! I should have known better than to start reading the comments on that CNN link. Need shower — must take deep breaths and think happy thoughts or I'll smash this laptop.

      • emmelemm

        Never. Read. The. Comments.*

        *When not on Wonkette.

        • glasspusher

          we set a high bar for some things, here, that's for sure. I concur!

          • emmelemm

            Yahoo comments. YouTube comments. Comments on any newspaper website. Cesspools one and all.

            They will make you question humanity as a species.

          • glasspusher

            Yeah. It's good to get outside the bubble sometimes, but damn. Disagreeing with someone is one thing, but civil disourse really takes a beating out there. It's fascinating sometimes, in a detached, academic kind of way, for about 10 seconds before you puke.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        I got sucked in and started commenting… Time to go back to my book – "The Hunger Games", a slightly more palatable apocalyptic vision than the 1910 robber baron celebration dystopia we've lapsed into in reality.

        • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

          Let me know if it's worth the hype. I'm still waiting on my niece to loan me hers.

          • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

            It's a real fast read, mostly in 1st-Person-As-It's-Happening (did I use the correct term there? I know you know since you're one of them smart teacher-y literate types). Halfway through and I would recommend.

            Last week I got done reading "The Passage", which is also post-apocalyptic. Would also recommend, kinda reminds me of "The Stand", but instead of god vs. satan, it's Remaining Humans vs. Superhuman Virals.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Where of where will America turn to now for unhealthy snacks?

    • malsperanza

      Raid Chris Christie and Rush Limbaugh's sekrit stashes.

  • savethispatient

    From the BBC:

    Hostess Brands was founded in 1930 and had revenues of $2bn last year.
    The union's pension fund is its biggest unsecured creditor, and is owed about $944.2m.

    Yes, so obviously it's the union's fault, they didn't have anything at stake here…

  • southernboyman

    I'm a Little Debbies man myself, so no worries. Oh, wait, jobs. F*ck corporate raiders….

  • BadKitty904

    OT: In less happy news, a truly creepy video of Israel's Iron Dome missile defense system in action against incoming Hamas rockets over Beersheba – http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/11/i

    • BadKitty904
      • glasspusher

        It seems "whoa!" is common to both our languages!

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Life imitates video game.

    • Tundra Grifter

      And it was President Obama – you know, the guy who hates Israel so much – who made sure they had the Iron Dome system in place. Maybe that's the reason the President and Defense Minister had so many nice things to say about him.

      Not that you would ever hear them on the FoxPAC…

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    Twinkies are just like the Tea Party: outdated, bloated, full of fat, unhealthy…and now bankrupt.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    This is just hearsay, but I understand that the filling in Twinkies used to be made of sugar and lard. Then they made it more unhealthful.

  • MadBrahms

    More proof that the cake is a lie.

    • glasspusher

      The proof is in the pudding, obvs.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      The Twinkie factory here in Seattle caught fire a few years back. I'm wondering if there were lemons involved.

      Relevant data: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8ufRnf2Exc

  • rmjagg

    there's gonna be a billion tons of unused sugar on the market every week – it doesn't look good ….

  • SorosBot

    Witout Hostess® Twinkies, Fruit Pies and the rest how will Spider-Man, Batman and our other heroes distract bizarre two-bit supervillains and foil their plans?

    • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

      Since dispensing with the Comics Code, ridiculously large breasts and threats of decapitation have been the standard methods.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    I guess this marks the end of the Wonder Years.

    • TribecaMike

      Better days abread?

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Yeast. At least I hope dough.

  • tessiee

    "Hostess Brands — the maker of such iconic baked goods as Twinkies"

    *screams at sky in pouring rainstorm*
    NOOOOOOOO!!!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Twinkies I'm ok without. The absence of Ding-Dongs' may hurt a little. But not the Zingers. NOT THE ZINGERS SNARK CAKES!!

  • Disassembly

    Bread libel!

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Where's the Strategic Twinkie Reserve now that we need it.

    • TribecaMike

      Three stories below the National Bud Light Reserve in Holland.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      "The Strategic Twinkie Reserve is in you. It's in me. It's in the millions of Americans who walk around with an extra 40 lbs in tow. WE… are the the Strategic Twinkie Reserve!"
      .
      ~ Excerpted from President Abraham Lincoln's historic "Gettysburg Address", afternoon of Thursday, November 19, 1863

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Today he takes our Twinkies. Tomorrow our guns.

    Wolverines!!!!

  • An_Outhouse
    • glasspusher

      Holy shit. I buy King Arthur whole wheat flour,but I'll be damned if I make those with it…

  • TribecaMike

    The Frito Bandito sez, "Fuck you capitalist gringo cerdos!"

    • glasspusher

      He's owned by Pepsi…

      • TribecaMike

        I shoulda known. Feckin' corporate pendejos.

  • DustyBowlBlues

    Why do I suspect there is more to the story than the corporate mouthpiece is telling us. Not that the dickheads in the corporate world ever lie to the public.

  • TootsStansbury

    OK so you know what? I lived on the damn fruit pies in High School. I lerved the HoHos; one time at visiting friends at college camp? I ate a WHOLE BOX of the HoHos on my own; the circle and all. Ate an entire box. Wonder bread can go fuck itself however.

    • tessiee

      While I don't particularly care to *eat* Wonder Bread, it's a little sad to see a part of Americana go extinct.
      I'll miss the childhood memories of the bright package.
      There's a Little Rascals episode where you can clearly see the Wonder Bread on the grocery store counter.

  • Butch_Wagstaff

    Among the many pieces of useless information that floats around in my head is that Sno-balls were a favorite of the late great Rev. Jerry Falwell. If I remember it right, he used to keep a desk drawer full of them.

    • TribecaMike

      Thanks for the info, but the less I know about Jerry Falwell's sex life the better.

      • Crank_Tango

        Yeah, I didn't think you could keep that in a drawer.

        • TribecaMike

          Tammy Faye Bakker's drawers, baby!

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Who's got that junk in the trunk?

        • glasspusher

          binders?

    • tessiee

      You perverts!
      He doesn't mean testicles, he means those pink marshmallow cakes… which… is actually much worse, now that I think of it.

    • tessiee

      My Dad once almost grossed me completely out of existence by telling me that one of the other guys on his bowling team used to have the same snack between innings [??], namely, a package of pink Hostess Sno-Balls and a Miller High Life.

      • Biff

        As a kid, I'd stuff the whole snoball in my mouth, eviscerate the cake filling, and wear the rubbery outer shell as a dental guard. This is how I developed my awesome oral skillz.

    • Negropolis

      Do Snoballs melt in hell?

  • BadKitty904

    I've seen this stuff at the grocery store, but it never occurred to me to eat any of it. Still, I'm very sorry to hear some of y'all have lost, due to overweening corporate greed, what sounds like an iconic bit of y'all's youth.

    *eats a Moon Pie*

    • TribecaMike

      This one's for you, BadKitty… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3J9Jx4SYNE

      • BadKitty904

        BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! I've danced the shag to that tune!

        "I don’t want no taters,
        And no gravy on the top,
        And I don’t want no salad,
        Or none of that other slop…"

        • TribecaMike

          I've been a fan of dose guys since forever. ;-)

          Come to think of it, my old friend Bob was in a band with the Q's great keyboardist Terry Adams in Florida before NRBQ formed. Bob and his talented son Jake – cute and smart, ladies — have a killer band that plays the better dives down here in lower Manhattan. Nice guys all. They used to perform with a very sweet old skool stripper who's name escapes me who worked back in the day with Lenny Bruce and his mother, Sally Marr (who I had the great pleasure of knowing in her later years in San Francisco,and what a sweetheart she was), but alas she passed away several years ago. She told some wondrous tales and shook some wondrous tassels.

          Pardon the name dropping, but I enjoy talking about the wacky friends I've been fortunate to know.

    • DustyBowlBlues

      Here's some RC Cola to go with that Moon Pie.

    • Negropolis

      I luvs Moon Pie.

  • owhatever

    Being a survivalist true American with great forethought, I have planted a hunnerd packages of Twinkies near my tree fort and will grow my own. Try to steal my crop and I'll go Clint Eastwood on your commie butt.

    • TribecaMike

      Clint has been smoking the same bag of stems for sixty years.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "*sniff*…Now, this means WAR!" — Governor Chris Christie

    • shelwood46

      He was asked about it in a press conference today, and his response was basically, Fuck you for making me say Twinkies.

  • http://yunoletmehavecoolwebnameblogspot.blogspot.com/ Jennyjen798

    Oh Hey! You know who's right next door in Forth Worth and bakes delicious breads and fatty snack cakes? Grupo Bimbo aka Mrs. Bairds and every other brand name bread products! Turns out the Mexicans ARE taking all the jerbs!

    I shall miss the ding dongs, but not that much really. They were kind of overpriced. All that CEO pay I guess.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Hopefully this has not yet been mentioned, but for any Ken Layne fans still in our midst, check out:

    Murderous Twinkie Will Still Be Made After Bankruptcy Sale

    He's been quite busy over there of late, click his name to get a list of his articles.

    • bobbert

      Are we sure that's Ken? Seems lacking in the death, despair, and Destroyer of Happiness departments.

  • glasspusher

    First, Hostess closed, and I did nothing…

  • sudsmckenzie

    "Assume Twnky deAd' @chuckgrassley

  • One_Man_Band

    But what will The Go-Nuts launch out of the snackapult now?
    http://youtu.be/la1j1_xTvbY

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Oh, and has anyone made any Zombieland references yet?

    We're losing our mojo here.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    What does Debbie say about all this?

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      "Done with Dallas."

      • bobbert

        Oops. Sorry.

    • bobbert

      "Assume Dallas Done".

  • glasspusher

    For Betty Crocker's sake, perhaps we need to post a Wonkette Best Recipes holiday thingie, and show how to kick the ass of all store bought goodies? I've got a few originals and hand me downs from my family recipes…

    • TribecaMike

      I'm all for that, though within Wonkette rules of course:

      1) One cup of strychnine per serving
      2) Exorbitant amounts of hemlock
      3) No antidotes permitted

      Anyway, I have a ginger based bbq sauce that revives the dead.

      • glasspusher

        I remember Socrates' words: "I drank what?"

      • Biff

        Wait–you grind up actual gingers for your bbq sauce? Ew!

    • DustyBowlBlues

      I have Ken Layne's cranberry sauce recipe. Funny as it is tasty.

      • glasspusher

        My original stuff mostly is in the dessert field, but I'm a competent cook of main courses and vegetables…not that those can't be one in the same…

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Fred Humphries II Jr

    Today we are all Twinkies. Ich bin ein Twinkier.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    How humanity will survived after a nuclear apocaylpse without Twinkies? This must be the end of humanity as we know it.

  • Steverino247

    It would appear that the Official Song of American CEO's is "Mr. Bad Example" by Warren Zevon.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24mqb-IAHfo

  • tessiee

    "Devil dog" spelled backwards is "God lived", so the plant closing is obviously the work of…
    Satan.
    ^ ^

  • Negropolis

    The first thing my mom said, this morning, about this is that if a strike could bring down Hostess, it must not have been in great shape to begin with.

    • glamourdammerung

      Two bankruptcies in two years, and numerous worker concessions. Yeah, I am actually familiar with the mess simply because it comes up in financial publications as a cautionary tale.

    • BadKitty904

      Mom is one smart cookie.

  • ibwilliamsi

    Back in the '70s we thought it was quite a treat to get a twinkie in the lunchbox. My mom bought them for 5 cents each at the day old bakery. We found one way back in a cupboard a couple years back and it still looked and felt fresh. I STILL couldn't get my picky eater brother to eat it, though.

    • shelwood46

      We called the day old bakery The Used Bread Store (we got our Twinkies there, too).

  • JohnnyQuick

    And because those ladies couldn't stop stealing from the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory, they had to get locked inside where they burned to death. And now I have to pay 15 cents more for every shirtwaist!!! Union thugs!!! Obamacare!!!

  • TribecaMike

    I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night,
    Alive as you or me
    Says I, "But Joe, you're ten years dead,"
    "Those Twinkies never died," says he
    "Those Twinkies never died," says he

    "In Salt Lake, Joe," says I to him,
    Him standing by my bed,
    "They framed you on a murder charge,"
    Says Joe, "But those Twinkies never die,"
    Says Joe, "But those Twinkies never die."

  • DahBoner

    Damn Bean Twinkie Counters.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Ask not for whom the Ding Dongs, it dongs for thee!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      I'm so jealous on that pun I can't post about Hemingway weeping.

      Well done deanbooth, but you do know that folks got tossed off of the Puente Nuevo Bridge in Ronda for less. (with piles of votes to ease the landing)

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    It may seem funny now, but we'll all have to choose a side when the great Twinkie riots of 2012 begin.

  • Negropolis

    I never got how Twinkies remained so popular. For my tastes, Twinkies are a second-tier Hostess product.

    • BadKitty904

      There's a first-tier Hostess product???

      • Negropolis

        LOL! Well played, Kitty; well played.

        • BadKitty904

          *purrs*

  • lulzmonger

    People making failsnacks are going to stop doing so?
    OH THE INANITY! OH THE INANITY!
    Hopefully my heart will carry on somehow.

    Also too: Willard Romney finds this post perfect to fap to.

  • SavageDrummer

    Ha! Us socialists up north of the border get to keep our Twinkies! Also, the people that make our Twinkies are probably paid better than the people that maid your Twinkies, because socialism is evil!

    • viennawoods13

      Oh, to hell with Twinkies. We've got Jos Louis and Flakies!

    • Biff

      'kin Frostbacks…

    • lulzmonger

      As a socialist up north, AW SHIT … I mean YAY.

      YAAAAAAAY.

  • LionHeartSoyDog

    Krapfood4Kids is banned?
    About Fucking Time.
    Seriously.

    • lulzmonger

      No guff. Some scavengers won't touch that shit.

      PROTIP: if you have not yet read the historical narrative around the origin of margarine, DON'T READ THAT, unless you're a mite rambunctious & suddenly feel the need to despise humankind.

  • DustyBowlBlues

    I could use some Wonder Bread right now. I decided to make a couple of loaves of white bread to use for dressing crumbs and to have. "Shoot," I sez to myself. "Why not make Vienna Bread and do something I've never done before?"

    That was about 6 hours ago. This shit is taking forever. Hence, up all night on the Wonket..

  • DustyBowlBlues

    Many years ago, when my firefighter husband was in Seattle, his station responded to a fire at the local Hostess Bakery. (Yes, people, they are made in bakeries). They put out the fire, cleaned up the place and didn't take a single snack cake of the many they could have had. Because it would be a bribe, and they all paid taxes so they didn't want free stuff.

    Anyway, the owner of the place was so grateful, he brought them an industrial case of Ho-Hos. By industrial, I mean big as a refrigerator. All three shifts are Ho-Hos for weeks.

    And that's the story. Now I'm too sleepy to type, so nitty nite, all and 'later, losers.

  • MiniMencken

    Well, we'll always have Little Debby. She won't let us down!

  • littlebigdaddy

    So, twinkies are white, limp, and filled with cream. HoHos are black and filled with cream. DingDongs are, what, rampantly erect? I honestly don't know what they are.

    • LibertyLover

      chocolate-flavored covered cakes filled with creme.

  • MiniMencken

    Is this the work of the Penguin? Here is some disturbing evidence: http://hostesscomicads.wordpress.com/2012/07/04/b

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I live down here at ground zero of this travesty. I have one thing to say. We will never have a shortage of HoHo's in Irving, Texas.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    In the bright side, this is a WIN for Moon Pies!

    • BadKitty904

      Damn str8, bubba!

  • Misty Malarky

    The good news is all those stale Twinkies folks are hoarding will make excellent packing material for shipping their Beanie Babies.

    • BadKitty904

      Ship them…where?

      • Misty Malarky

        Huh. Good question.

    • http://dandalionsworld.blogspot.com/ dandalion

      My oldest wants to take them to school and auction them off so he can support his xbox habit. :D

  • Misty Malarky
    • BadKitty904

      Well, he has claimed, all along, that the pix were a joke…

  • rickmaci

    Surely a great nation can afford a bailout to save its HoHo's !!!

    • Misty Malarky

      How about a new marketing campaign featuring their own mascot called "The HoHo Ho"?

  • ttommyunger

    You can have my Twinkie when you pry it from my cold, fat, fructose-crusted, Diabetes-swollen, amputated fingers.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I'm old enough to have had my Mom serve me many Hostess CupCakes when I was a lad. And after reading about the BK I did go to the grocery store and get a couple of packages along with some Twinkies.

    BUZZKILL Warning:

    We were explaining to the Italian exchange student staying with us what the big deal was. And, being an adult by now (at least in years) I read the ingredients.

    A single Hostess CupCake contains: 12 grams of fat (half saturated) – 320 calories, 110 from fat; 440 mg sodium (18% of the recommended daily maximum); and 36 grams of sugar (well over a can of soda, which typically comes in at about 28 grams or 1 ounce).

    Is it any wonder this company is in trouble?

    • http://dandalionsworld.blogspot.com/ dandalion

      That and Little Debbie is half the price… They kind of priced themselves out of business… I too would once in awhile treat my family and I with a box of Twinkies or ding dongs…

  • http://dandalionsworld.blogspot.com/ dandalion

    This sucks because I am in a state that legalized pot… now what am I going to have with my Doritos???

  • http://wonkette.com/ Noah_Hegemon

    Oh crap. What will we eat now when we get high? Bimbo!!!

    • LibertyLover

      Tacos?

    • DahBoner

      Cupcakes?

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    How much will the CEO make next year with no company?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      The top managers are splitting several million in golden parachutes. See below for more info about who actually owns and runs Hostess Brands.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    I read several of these reports and, yes, they all portrayed Hostess Brands as struggling under the oppression of union contracts. Not one of them mentioned Ripplewood Holdings, the private equity firm that owns Hostess Brands. Yes indeedy, Hostess Brands does not own Hostess Brands. It was purchased and then loaded with debt by the same LBO "specialists" that own everything from a bank to a polymer manufacturer to Lillian Vernon.

    Ripplewood's founder and CEO Tim Collins, a former vice president at Lazard Frères, is on the board of Citigroup. He is also is a member of Tony Blair's Interfaith Foundation and is an "advisor" of the Yale Divinity School. If that isn't tony enough for ya, how about he's active in American Friends of the British Museum (aka The Plunderers' Museum).

    Interestingly, in 2004 alone, he and the Mrs. donated to Joe Lieberman, Evan Bayh, John Kerry, Chris Dodd, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Wesley Clark, (I guess they couldn't make up their minds), the Glacier PAC (located in Montana), and something called "United Victory," and they both maxed out on their contributions to the DNC and the DCCC. The lesson I learn is that greed knows no political boundaries.

  • catholic4condom

    Twinkie the Kid WILL ride again. They will buy a plant in the New Confederate States of America, where – surprise, surprise – no pesky 13th amendment.

  • Misty Malarky
  • woolmyn

    My cat Twinkie (she is the exact color of a twinkie, hence the name) took up residence in the yard of an empty house round the corner. When I'd drive home everyday, I'd roll down the window and holler "Twinkie, Twinkie!" Soon a young man bought the house and I would often not notice him sitting on his porch as I would drive by with the usual Twinkie holler. It was quite embarrassing when I introduced myself and learned that he is gay! I apologized profusely and assured him that I really, really wasn't homophobic!

  • Kate_fate

    "Nature's Pride." gag.

    Anyway, it's too bad. A corporation is a person, so technically whoever does it in could be indicted for murder. But since they're of course blaming it on people who would like, please, to be paid a living wage, never mind.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    It is a sad day for all those people who were looking forward to getting diabetes.