Barack Obama Was Probably Banging Jill Kelley Obviously, Except For How He Is Gay

  AND TWINS!

Just picture Obummer there, and all of them nakedWell this is much better! Tampa nonsense queen Jill Kelley and her evil twin visited the White House three times this year, an administration official told AP. Obviously, this means President Barack Obama has been boning both of them, in the SitRoom, while eating popcorn and laughing while watching Christopher Stevens die. He did this because he is a murderer, obviously, but also probably to throw people off the scent of his Muslim homosexual marriage.

An Obama administration official says a Tampa Bay socialite whose emails triggered the eventual downfall of CIA director David Petraeus visited the White House three times this year with her sister, twice eating in the Executive Mansion mess.

The official says that Jill Kelley, who initiated an investigation that ultimately unveiled Petraeus’ extramarital affair, and her sister had two “courtesy” meals at the White House mess as guests of a mid-level White House aide. Kelley and her family also received a White House tour. The visits occurred during the past three months.

The number of visits (three) means that Kelley and her sister are now official White House spokespeople, just like Hilary Rosen, and the Obama administration owns everything (thousands of pages of emails, plus “diplomatic inviolability”) they have ever said.

[AP]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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295 comments

    1. LibertyLover

      Reminds me of a song from "White Christmas"

      Sisters, sisters
      There were never such devoted sisters,
      Never had to have a chaperone, No sir,
      I'm there to keep my eye on her
      Caring, sharing
      Every little thing that we are wearing
      When a certain gentleman arrived from Rome
      She wore the dress, and I stayed home

    1. Terry

      Every single posed photo of them, they're tilting their heads like that. Some photographer must have told them as some point that it is flattering.

          1. NellCote71

            I doubt they are half-assed. They look as if they may have the Kardashian curse, or blessing, depending on your perspective.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I wanna see them do the 'trout-mouth' or whatever those Facey-booky kids are calling it these days.

    2. StillGoinGreen

      They have water in their ears – you can tell they've crashed into one of those Florida canals cause their flotation devices have been inflated! BTW… which one is Jill, cause I wanna fuck the other one??!!11!

        1. StillGoinGreen

          Forward!! HAHAHAHAHA, GET IT? FORWARD! YOU KNOW LIKE ON MSNBC – NOT LEFT, NOT RIGHT, BUT FORWAR….. oh forget it!

  1. GlowneyHouse

    How quaint. When I was a child these people were called "groupies." and Carmine Appice molested them with mudsharks.

    Simpler times…

      1. CthuNHu

        Where "interesting" means "intellectually vacant but potentially willing."

        Which, for appallingly vast numbers of us menfolk, qualifies as "highly interesting."

      1. glasspusher

        They have people there that are very courtesy, and never mind trying to satisfy you, the custiments.

    1. MissTaken

      It's a little known fact that Obama had a nekkid car wash installed in the White House solely for Biden's Corvette.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      That's the one where they go camping in Afghanistan and make that Patreus biographer chick come along without a mosquito net, right?…

  2. MiniMencken

    Who else would like to check out the twins on those twins? Let he who is without sin send the first e-mail.

    1. HRH_Maddie

      I was thinking the same thing. That's an awful lot of sweater meat to have showing in front of a senator.

    2. MaxNeanderthal

      I heard they've spent several hours down in the old record archive earlier, choosing four of the very best, and those magnificant hits are about to be given an airing for the General's delight. They'll soon have them swinging along to the music.

    1. HarryButtle

      Mitch McConnell tried to block the nomination but finally relented after they convinced him that Jack was a ghey and totally wouldn't bang hot chicks like these trollops in the Lincoln bedroom.

  3. actor212

    Goddamit! He's hogging all the white poon now????

    When I voted for a blah guy, it was so *I* could get some!

    That's it…I'm voting for Romney!

    1. Botlrokit

      That's what I'm screaming. I don't know whether to tilt my monitor to the left or right. UNIFORMITY, please, ppl

    1. meepmeep09

      It IS good! The Wonkette team can get by just fine, doing hilarious 'shorters' of material from WND and Fox.
      Keep it up, wingnut grifter-scribes! People are depending on you!

  4. VodkaGoGo

    I never would have guessed Vincent D'Onofrio and his brother would make such convincing drag queens.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Chicks dig money.
      Well, not all chicks.
      Kinda chicks that'd double up on a dude like Marco do.

      I ain't saying they's gold diggers,
      But they ain't messing with no broke Senate figures.

  5. Botlrokit

    God dammit, what is the deal with this tilted head nonsense? Is this the new duck-face? Are their necks broken? Is this a congenital defect? Seriously, pretty people should cut this shit out.

  6. Goonemeritus

    No man would blame him for not passing up twins. It’s a well-known get out of jail excuse that all men have agreed to.

    Perhaps I’ve said too much.

    1. Mittaplasia

      Twin guys and a gal were a solid lineup from a female point-of-view, er, cough, cough, at least that's what a friend of mine said about a 1970's adventure I, er, SHE had.

  7. Abernathy

    If your relentless social climbing only gets you some sexts from wizened old killbots and lunch with a mid-level White house aide, ur doing it wrong.

    1. Preferred Customer

      I think a comprehensive set of Venn diagrams are nearly visible in this picture, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

    1. shelwood46

      I was surprised when I saw a pic of Petraeus and Broadwell together that she is taller than him. And I don't recall her being particularly tall.

  8. magic_titty

    Sounds like the only one not getting any in this scandal is Holly Petraeus. We should all be grateful.

    1. Weedlord BonerHitler

      Y'awl are fucking CRAZY if you can't see the crazy radiating off those two. Srsly. I look at them and all my alarm bells go off. Wouldn't hit it unless I could *guarantee* no witnesses, i.e., the whole rest of the world was dead and gone.

    1. Biff

      I'm trying to come up with an Asian lesbian theme/meme without sounding either racist or sexist, but of course I've failed at both.

  9. proudgrampa

    Gotta admit that I enjoy the casabas on those two raven-haired cuties…

    Wonkette is where I always go for soft porn.

  10. Texan_Bulldog

    I went on a White House tour, too. I can haz reality show? (Come on–you know it's coming!)

    I've never seen Marco look so happy.

  11. LibertyLover

    Comment deleted by the user because some other astute Wonketteer made the same dang observation. *shakes fist at said Wonketteer*

  12. owhatever

    Just another couple of socialist Agenda 21 queens snarfing up free stuff at the White House. Takers. Obama is using them as chips in the Grand Bargain, and Marco Pollo Rubio is on board with that.

  13. sati_demise

    Are these women getting posture lessons from hens?
    wtf is it with all this head cocking for photos?

  14. Beowoof

    Gee lunch in the building next door. Well obviously close enough for Obama to work his voodoo sex charm on some girls.

    1. Weedlord BonerHitler

      One of them (the one on the left as you look at the pic) is married to oncological surgeon Shawn Kelley. The other's name is Khawam, not Kelley. In the interest of accuracy, they should be referred to as the Khawam twins, not the Kelley twins, but Americans seem to have difficulty with not-white names.

          1. Negropolis

            It's funny because I only said it slightly tongue-in-cheek. In all honesty, it would have been changed to something like that. Maybe even Collum.

          2. Weedlord BonerHitler

            I have many friends whose parents arrived from Eastern Europe and their names were changed into something unrecognizable. I don't understand why this stuff happens. (Hugs you) Thanks for making me lol, the hell with the itch.

  15. Beowoof

    Cuddly little swamp reptiles aren't they. That gator in the middle looks like he will be showing them back to his hole in the swamp.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    I remember the delicate surgery to get those two siamese twins unseparated at the head. It's sad that their father waited until they turned 21 to have the operation done, especially since he figured it would keep them out of trouble.

    1. PubOption

      Tilted downwards, certainly, but I'm not sure about tilted to one side. I heard that Paris Hilton started the tilt-to-the-side business, so her eyes didn't look as odd.

      1. boskolives

        This was actually started by 90210's Shannen Doherty because her eyes don't match the horizon. Perhaps she received some excessive forceps work pulling her out of her mother's vahjayjay?

  17. GeorgiaBurning

    Headline next week in Gallup Independent "Local Social Security Office Welcomes Former White House Aide as Assistant Manager"

  18. rocktonsam

    I 've already photoshopped all my family photos so now my kids heads are all tilted too.

    Thank you Tampa sluts!

    1. Dumbedup

      I think I'm gonna' start tilting in my upcoming holiday photos! Why not. I may start tilting like that all day long.

  19. BadKitty904

    Honestly, what with slaughtering US ambassadors, building FEMA death camps, and boning tart-packs, when does Bamz have time to run the freekin' country???

  20. iburl

    I'm starting to think that this is more than just 2 sisters… Judging from the amount of shit these power-groupies have stirred up, I'm pretty sure what we are dealing with here is a clone army. They will not be satisfied until every single person in Washington D.C. texts them a topless picture.

  21. glamourdammerung

    Remember when the White House used to have a gay prostitute visit under a fake name and how that was not a big deal because the president was not a black Democrat?

        1. Weedlord BonerHitler

          Doing OK, Biffster! Happy to hear you're getting a life. Were pretty ladies with red hair and lots of bouncy-bouncy involved? Soon as my back's 100%, I'm getting a sex life, or so I've been promised. It's hard to have one when your back seizes up, dammit.

          1. Biff

            No red hair, but lots of bouncy-bouncy, or bunga-bunga, whatever the kids are calling it these days. Take my advice–don't wait until you're 100%, it might never happen!

          2. Weedlord BonerHitler

            That is fucking GREAT! Terrific, dood. I r teh happy for you! Hopefully this will lead to lots MORE bunga-bunga. (Hugs the Biffster) Congratubilations.

            I gotta wait till the spasms stop at least, dammit. But I'm getting *plenty* of incentive to get back into the old bunga-bunga!

          3. Biff

            Thanks, it IS pretty great. I've known her around 30 years, seen her go through a lot of shit, and she deserves a man like me. She's who I've been going to see in California, and why I'll be moving back there.Get better, I'm sure someone there needs you to!

          4. Weedlord BonerHitler

            That makes me so fucking happy for you. I've been waiting a long time for you to find a someone special to be happy with. Looks like you did, and it sounds like you might deserve a loving person like her too.

            I *am* getting better! We're actually going to try a short hike this weekend, if we get a little letup in this rain. Welcome back to CA, Biffster! Tell your sweet lady hello from me.

  22. Steverino247

    Well, those crooked necks aren't from bumping their heads against a glass ceiling, that's a fact.

  23. TribecaMike

    This is all too obviously a ruse to deflect the media's attention from Sylvester Stallone breaking up with Brigitte Nielsen. Lap it up sheeple!

  24. OldRedneck

    Well, I may be just an Old Redneck, but I gotta tell you — them's some FINE ta-ta's — I wouldn't kick either one of them out of the back of my truck!!!

  25. Wile E. Quixote

    Did their parents do something to their necks as children to make them easier to tell apart? "Jill is the one whose neck bends to the left", Natalie is the one whose neck bends to the right."

  26. PlanetWingNut

    The Kelley SIsters??? which one is Veronica and which one is Velma???? And all that General's Jizz i mean Jazz.

  27. An_Outhouse

    what is wrong with their heads? they're always tilted. brains too big? doubtful. maybe really weak necks.

  28. Tundra Grifter

    I think those fine young ladies took it a bit too seriously when someone told them to Get Bent.

  29. AddHomonym

    I'm no Rubio fan but that facial expression says, "There is no way I am not going to regret this photo!"

  30. Negropolis

    Bangin' Jill Kelley, eh? I think I saw that movie.

    BTW, someone needs to tell the twins that a head tilt with a more shallow angle is more photogenetic.

  31. blogmomme

    What is up with the way they pose in photographs? With the cocked heads- I think they are Siamese twins separated at birth

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