LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT  5:18 pm November 15, 2012

Alabama Fella Pretty Much Started Petition ‘Cause Fascist Gubmint Shut Down His Nudie Carwash

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

GrossLots of red-blooded US Merkins love America so much they want to LEAVE IT (because Kenyan Mooslim Sharia Oppression and such). But one such patriot is a little more interesting! Sup, guy who started Alabama’s secession petition Derrick Belcher, 45, of “Chuncula”? “Blah blah libertarianism, RON PAUL!!!1!, freedom, not-racist, hard-working, etc.” Oh yes, here it is:

“It’s economics -– just that simple,” he said. “I’m working poor. And I work -– I’ve never taken a dime from the government. I’ll starve before I take a handout. That’s what being a true American is all about.”

Belcher blamed the government for shutting down his former business. Belcher said his Euro Details car wash, which featured topless women, was successful for a decade on Halls Mill Road in Mobile. But he said he was arrested and charged with obscenity by city officials in 2001.

“The government ripped my business away, and now they’re choking America to death with rules and regulations,” he said.

Yes, Derrick B.! Seceding from the Union will stop Mobile, Alabama, officials from arresting you for washing automobiles with bare ladies boobies. If anything, it just makes too much sense!

Stop Sharia! Secede from Mobile, maybe?

[BlogAL, thanks to Wonkette operative "Lisa Z"]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 345 comments }

Tom November 15, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Family values?

Dashboard Buddha November 15, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Probably not…Mammary values maybe.

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:27 am

Family values are beyond reproach at those times when said family caries the name of "Belcher", too.

SnarkOff November 15, 2012 at 5:22 pm

"I’ll starve before I take a handout."

One can only hope.

sullivanst November 15, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I can almost guarantee he's claimed EITC, and very, very likely other tax credits too, but only considers them handouts when other people get them.

JohnnyQuick November 15, 2012 at 5:51 pm

…and before he gets a free handjob, also.

CommieLibunatic November 15, 2012 at 7:09 pm

He might think twice about that if he knew what actually happens when you starve to death.

PsycWench November 15, 2012 at 8:59 pm

I feel that statement has as much credibility as when men say they'd rather not have sex than have sex with a condom.

BaldarTFlagass November 15, 2012 at 10:56 pm

In my priapic youth, I probably would have acquiesced to using a wool sock as a condom, if I going to get laid out of the deal.

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:31 am

WOOLITE LIBEL

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 15, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I'm too busy today to read this article. What happened to Joe Biden?

Callyson November 15, 2012 at 5:26 pm

He took one look at that photo and decided to wash his car himself.

Fred Humphries II Jr November 15, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Biden wanted some ladies to wash his Camaro but the place was closed down. Turned out BHO had personally arrested the owner.

Geminisunmars November 15, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Yeah, that's what I took away too.

MissTaken November 15, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Topless car wash makes no sense. The nipples would get so hard they could break the windshield.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 15, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Care to demonstrate?

SorosBot November 15, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I'm gonna' be keepin' an eye on you too now.

Mojopo November 15, 2012 at 6:01 pm

When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you watch your friends.

SnarkOff November 15, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Come summer the work gets kind of hard
This ain't no place to be if you plan on being a star
Lemme tell you it's always cool
And the boss don't mind sometimes if you act a fool

(Just continuing with the 1970s cheesy-pop theme)

actor212 November 16, 2012 at 9:43 am

So that's why I keep banging so many uggos!

emmelemm November 15, 2012 at 6:07 pm

HEY!

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 15, 2012 at 6:47 pm

If you care to demonstrate, I'm all for it.

Doktor Zoom November 15, 2012 at 8:19 pm

I went down to the demonstration
To watch Lionel get his fair share of abuse

Lascauxcaveman November 15, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I think… um.. I'm, ah… I think… ummm, wow!

I'm going to go and lie down with a cool cloth on my forehead for awhile now…

Not_So_Much November 15, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Cletus should open a windshield repair business right next door. Bam! Free Market all up in his ass!

CommieLibunatic November 15, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Is that what the kids are calling spontaneous buttsechs nowadays?

OneYieldRegular November 15, 2012 at 6:07 pm

There was one of these near where I grew up in the South, and I remember asking my father what it meant. He explained that it was for convertibles.

BadKitty904 November 15, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Bless his heart.

Dudleydidwrong November 15, 2012 at 6:46 pm

That would look good on the form for unemployment benefits:

How did you lose your last job? Fired

If you were fired, please explain: Nipples too hard.

Approved!!!

sullivanst November 15, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Yeah, I think that file would be put in the "REVIEW!!!" pile.

Wadisay November 15, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Does the car get bigger when they rub?

Mumbletypeg November 15, 2012 at 8:08 pm

"Oh you dirty, dirty car! You came to the right place, sugar."

JustPixelz November 15, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Your explanation made me break my computer screen. Because of hardness.

FeloniousMonk November 15, 2012 at 8:24 pm

I think I'm missing something here. It isn't the cold, 'cause Alabama. I thought only men got aroused by cars. Do you mean all those ads have been telling the truth, and a powerful car really is an effective penis substitute? Is it a p-ness substitute too? I'm goin out an buy me a Lamborghini.

(Wanders off humming "Every woman I know crazy 'bout an automobile, and here I am standin' with nothin' but a rubber heel.")

MoeDeLawn November 16, 2012 at 11:16 am

Let's take a ride….

I loves me some Ry humor.

gullywompr November 15, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Huh. I thought that was just a stone chip.

Doktor Zoom November 15, 2012 at 11:43 pm

A chip slip?

RufusTFirefly November 16, 2012 at 12:18 am

I'll be in my bunk.

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 1:26 am

You'd be surprised how much some men love their cars. I've known folks who'd shun a smoking hot hooker in the summer because she might get booty sweat on the two-toned leather interior and scuff the chrome.

dr_giraud November 15, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Derrick Belcher should organize a million-boob march on Mobile. And, as the biggest boob in the parade, he should lead it, too.

fawkedifiknow November 15, 2012 at 5:23 pm

How much to shine my knob (gear shift knob, I mean)?

MLHencken November 15, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Oh, we should definitely let Alabama go.

Biff November 16, 2012 at 12:16 am

But we should hang onto the nekkid women. Well, some of 'em, anyway.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 15, 2012 at 5:23 pm

If we live in a land where shirtless FBI agents are allowed to run free, but shirtless car washes are shut down, are any of us free?

Callyson November 15, 2012 at 5:27 pm

First, they came for the shirtless car washes…

…um, er, maybe I don't want to finish that thought…

Tundra Grifter November 15, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Apparently it's but a tiny step from shirtless to shitless.

Beowoof November 15, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Well they did make the jump instantly to witless.

MLHencken November 15, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Also, Joe Biden upon hearing the news, haz a sad.

MagnanaMouse November 15, 2012 at 8:49 pm

You're a smart one! Heard all the "Romney has a sad" and got himself an idea: "I'mma use it with a Biden in it and weeeee-hoo! Now them libruls just gave me the witty! That means Romney's automatically President and we're at WAR again! Yeeeee ha!"

snowpointsecret November 15, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Well, he needed those topless women at the car wash because it sounds like this man is too dumb to have a woman get naked near him otherwise.

gullywompr November 15, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Wait, go slower so I can write this down….

1) Don't be too dumb.

OK, go on.

Mumbletypeg November 15, 2012 at 5:25 pm

describes himself as “an absolute Libertarian.

Wonder what his Tree of Liberty gets watered with.

SmutBoffin November 15, 2012 at 5:26 pm

The 7-Eleven cup he keeps in his truck for 'emergencies' or just whenever he is running behind schedule and doesn't want to pull over.

Biff November 16, 2012 at 12:17 am

I thought that was a spit-cup?

sullivanst November 15, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Absolut? Or the closest shiner approximation to it.

Designer_Rants November 15, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I'm guessing it SHOULD be watered with a steady IV drip of anti-psychotics.

Geminisunmars November 15, 2012 at 5:59 pm

He wants it to be suds.

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Pabst Blue Ribbon, either regular or recycled.

mbatch November 15, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Yeah, but what have you been doing since 2001 Derrick? Driving a truck on those government-constructed highways? Maybe you should switch to all gravel roads on general principles.

elviouslyqueer November 15, 2012 at 5:32 pm

You've obviously never been to South Alabama, have you, darling?

Designer_Rants November 15, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Gravel roads that he creates as he drives, from stone that he quarries and crushes all by his lonesome.

Biff November 16, 2012 at 12:18 am

I used to grade gravel roads for the county road department.

shelwood46 November 16, 2012 at 12:54 am

My guess? Working for Austal building ships for the Navy.

PugglesRule November 16, 2012 at 10:29 am

Not even gravel. Usually gravel roads are maintained by counties. I vote for dirt, just plain dirt. Mud would be good too. Or better yet, quicksand!

bureaucrap November 16, 2012 at 10:33 am

Just because they're gravel doesn't necessarily mean they weren't provided at government expense.

SmutBoffin November 15, 2012 at 5:25 pm

And what did Count Chunkula have to say about "working people" having the right to unionize?

Blunderthing November 15, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Did someone say "boobies"? I'll take two.

Lascauxcaveman November 15, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Well, two at a time, anyway.

Tundra Grifter November 15, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Ya seen two, ya seen 'em all…

DemmeFatale November 15, 2012 at 7:49 pm

When my nephew was 12, the only way to wake him up was to say "titties!" in his ear.

Biff November 16, 2012 at 12:19 am

At 60, that still works for me!

Doktor Zoom November 15, 2012 at 11:44 pm

They travel in pairs

corthylio November 16, 2012 at 12:03 am

Are you saying Derrick has a twin?

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:45 am

-Woody Allen,
Everything you wanted to know about sex, too.

Callyson November 15, 2012 at 5:25 pm

he was arrested and charged with obscenity by city officials in 2001.
“The government ripped my business away…"

And you're only just now getting around to the secession petition? Yeah, your business woes might have more to do with your laziness than with anything the government did, buddy…

GeorgiaBurning November 15, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Maybe they're finally getting around to it- one of my favorites: http://www.theonion.com/articles/south-postpones-

FakaktaSouth November 15, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Okay, number 1, that was 11 years ago, where was your petition then? And two, how the hell did I not know this place existed? (Much less that town) I mean damn. Money out the freaking window. Who wouldn't wanna work for an obvious fucking moron who thinks starving to death is the American way? Man I cant wait til I can point and laugh at this place too. Just, damn.

pdiddycornchips November 15, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Alabama is as red a state as they come. It was your fellow wingnuts that shut down your tittie car wash ya dumb cracker!

CommieLibunatic November 15, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I guess he didn't want to whine while the greatest president in the history of ever was in office.

spareme November 15, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Ugh.

bobbert November 16, 2012 at 1:52 am

That really is the key point, isn't it. As with so many other instances of right-wing butthurt, this terrible governmental misbehavior doesn't seem to have risen to the level of requiring"secession" until just now. I wonder what changed?

Toomush_Infer November 16, 2012 at 8:39 am

blah….

HobbesEvilTwin November 15, 2012 at 5:26 pm

I may not be able to describe car washes, but I know them when I see them.

Lascauxcaveman November 15, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Lol, Justice Stewart gets his car washed.

tessiee November 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm

And Clarence Thomas.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 15, 2012 at 5:26 pm

What's next? Is the Government going to shut down my business where I offer people sex or illegal drugs for money?

We must all secede!!!

SorosBot November 15, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Bet he supports "States' Rights", and doesn't get the irony.

Aridzona November 15, 2012 at 5:28 pm

What year is that Corvette?

MissTaken November 15, 2012 at 5:30 pm

What corvette?

SorosBot November 15, 2012 at 5:36 pm

The Little Red one?

MissTaken November 15, 2012 at 5:37 pm

The nekkid woman's ass? Cuz that's all I see.

Defeatably_Joe November 15, 2012 at 5:46 pm

I'd say a '92.

Aridzona November 15, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I was thinking more like a '38.

weejee November 15, 2012 at 5:58 pm

special?

SorosBot November 15, 2012 at 5:59 pm

I was thinking more a DD.

glasspusher November 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm

70s. Just like this guys' IQ

spareme November 15, 2012 at 11:22 pm

I'd say thats it or close.

Sivart_R1 November 15, 2012 at 5:51 pm
Aridzona November 15, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Shirley, you can't be serious?

Sivart_R1 November 15, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Mr. Stryker, stop calling me Shirley

MaxUdargo November 15, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I don't know, but I had no idea Dee Snider had such a nice ass.

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Looks like a 73 or 74.

PugglesRule November 15, 2012 at 5:28 pm

So he wants to secede from the United States because local government is restricting his freedom to have naked women wash cars?

NellCote71 November 15, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Yes.

BadKitty904 November 15, 2012 at 6:24 pm

11 years ago.

One_who_wanders November 16, 2012 at 9:28 am

I am pretty sure that is one of the reasons enumerated in the Declaration of Independence . . just afther the right to Rock and Roll all night and party every day.

SorosBot November 15, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Wait, why would anyone want to go to a topless car wash? Wouldn't that get the seats all wet? And turning away non-convertibles really limits the customer base.

Chow Yun Flat November 15, 2012 at 6:26 pm

The customers would have to be very base.

CrunchyKnee November 15, 2012 at 5:28 pm

2001? Hmmmmm, who was your preznit then, Mr. Dumbass?

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:48 am

That mission accomplished, also.

Ryy November 15, 2012 at 5:28 pm

This is all I have to say: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLNPCqzRVU0

CommieLibunatic November 15, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I don't know what happened. I clicked the link, blacked out, and came to just after hitting the upfist button. And there's this weird, awful tune I don't remember hearing ringing in my head.

snowpointsecret November 15, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I don't get it, why doesn't he just go to Nevada?

PhilippePetain November 15, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Free market solutions.

MaxNeanderthal November 15, 2012 at 5:57 pm

If he were in Nevada, 1) he'd be selling the same thing, 2) he'd be legal, and 3) he wouldn't be an olympic standard hypocrite.
Oh, and the overheads would sure as shit be less…

Guppy November 15, 2012 at 6:09 pm

You think his business could survive in an actually competitive market?

Besides, Nevada is full of godless communist Muslims, according to last week's vote.

decentcitizen November 15, 2012 at 7:05 pm

I'm not Muslim.

Guppy November 15, 2012 at 7:18 pm

That makes you a crypto-Muslim.

PugglesRule November 16, 2012 at 10:31 am

Muslin, dammit! Muslin!

poorgradstudent November 15, 2012 at 6:09 pm

A car wash/brothel may indeed be one of the greatest innovations of humanity.

smokefilledroommate November 15, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Because Harry Reid.

Veritas78 November 15, 2012 at 5:29 pm

What a shame—he's clearly a thrifty businessman. Think how much he saved on employee uniforms and laundry services.

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:52 am

And admission to those tittie bars

HempDogbane November 15, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Come on over to my new BurkaWash. My ladies'll take care of you…and your car!

smokefilledroommate November 15, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Featuring the newest in Chamois burkas– Let these 'lil ladies roll all over your car! You'll be glad you did! Praise Muhammad!

Designer_Rants November 15, 2012 at 5:30 pm

When I went to Mobile I drove through a tunnel underwater. Then I stayed on the beach where all the houses were built on stilts and painted pretty Miami Vice colors. It was neat. But too bad about your nudie car wash problem, buddy.

MissTaken November 15, 2012 at 5:36 pm

After dinner at the Waffle House in Gulf Shores I shot off fireworks in the gulf while standing on the beach in February. South Alabama is fun. Too bad I missed the topless car wash, though.

Designer_Rants November 15, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Dammit, I musta missed the Waffle House. We still ate good though. Also, nice little zoo there for the little ones.

Guppy November 15, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Did the fireworks set fire to the gulf, or was this before the BP spill?

MissTaken November 15, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Definitely before. I hope such activity is illegal post-BP

Biff November 16, 2012 at 12:27 am

That Waffle House was the first place I was discriminated against on my one and only trip to the Dirty South. Not because I had brown skin, because I was a long-haired hippie biker. Reminded me of the old days when Denny's wouldn't serve us, either.

bobbert November 16, 2012 at 1:56 am

I got shit at restaurants in the South when I was in the fucking Air Force, because Yankee.

Biff November 16, 2012 at 2:53 am

My brother was at Keesler in about '65, they hated him too.

Designer_Rants November 16, 2012 at 6:59 am

At least it didn't turn out like the end of "Easy Rider".

BadKitty904 November 15, 2012 at 6:26 pm

*GREAT* seafood in Mobile! Or, at least, there was, pre-BP.

Estproph November 15, 2012 at 5:30 pm

The only topless carwash to have a washing machine on the front porch.

Aridzona November 15, 2012 at 5:47 pm

And a couch with sagging springs.

Guppy November 15, 2012 at 6:10 pm

If only that was all that was sagging…

BaldarTFlagass November 15, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Surprised that Vette ain't up on cinder blocks, to be honest.

sullivanst November 15, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Local fucking government. How does it work?

Guppy November 15, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Living someplace where the local government apparently can't even wipe its own ass without a ballot question, I'd say "it doesn't."

TribecaMike November 15, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Well, first you find a complacent farm animal…

shelwood46 November 16, 2012 at 1:10 am

The other night I had two people patronizingly explain that the town we lived in distributed liquor licenses based on zoning. They were quite adamant and very certain. When I told them they were wrong, they said, "Oh no, I read it somewhere." I thought about mentioning that I'd been the township Zoning Officer for five years, but then I remembered they were both Republicans and I'd be wasting my breath.

bobbert November 16, 2012 at 1:58 am

I wish I had your self-control.

PugglesRule November 16, 2012 at 10:32 am

Trying to explain how government works to Republicans really IS a waste a breath.

elviouslyqueer November 15, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Oh Alabama, thank God for you.

Love,

Mississippi

BadKitty904 November 15, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I've seen bumper-stickers in Pensacola:

FLORIDA: At least we're not Alabama.

CommieLibunatic November 15, 2012 at 7:45 pm

I think at that point you're basically choosing between different bowls of shit, differentiated only by smell.

Esteev November 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Arizona, you now have a goal.

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:57 am

California: Gateway to Hawaii.

FeloniousMonk November 15, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Louisiana leans back and smiles. Then remembers it has Piyush Jindal for a governor and breaks down and weeps piteously.

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 10:05 pm

"PS Sacralonna says hey"

spareme November 15, 2012 at 11:24 pm

As pointed out to me by a great friend who writes for Reuters, more than half on the signers on the Alabama petition were not from Alabama. Which means that more than half of the country would love to see us secede.

UnionSpies November 16, 2012 at 7:52 am

I signed the Kansas petition just because I felt like picking on a landlocked Red State.

barto November 15, 2012 at 5:31 pm

How many fictitious items can our editrix fit into a single report? "Belcher"? "Chunkula"??? Nekkid wimmin worshin cars?1!/!?

sure……

BadKitty904 November 15, 2012 at 6:32 pm

"Perhaps you're not familiar with weird-ass Southern place-names," said the boy who lives some north of Wewahootee.

LibertyLover November 15, 2012 at 5:32 pm

He's never taken a dime from government, but I'll just bet that he's hooked up to the government's sewer system and gets that water from a pipe that comes from a plant that has treated that water to make it safe for boobies.

Guppy November 15, 2012 at 6:12 pm

"This water is certified safe for boobies."

I have a brilliant bottled water business idea!

UnionSpies November 16, 2012 at 7:53 am

Wonder how many of his customers are military or military contractors.

HarryButtle November 15, 2012 at 5:32 pm

EURO Details? What's wrong with good ol' 'Murican Details?

Pat_Pending November 15, 2012 at 5:37 pm

yeah, no shit. Belcher sounds like a closet socialist.

Designer_Rants November 15, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Sounds like a french fag ta me. [spit!]

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 8:59 am

International redundancy, once again

snowpointsecret November 15, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Depending on the country, lower wages. He learned that outsourcing thing from Mitt.

smokefilledroommate November 15, 2012 at 6:26 pm

American Details = You have a car that runs most of the time. You're Welcome.

YasserArraFeck November 15, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Er, that's "Uro", on account of the "Golden Shower Special Rinse" ($5.00 extra)

GeorgiaBurning November 15, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Actually, a topless car wash would go over big in Russia. But not practical year-round.

Guppy November 15, 2012 at 6:13 pm

It's easy enough to just import topless Russian girls nowadays, anyway.

Dudleydidwrong November 15, 2012 at 6:53 pm

I think he should go to Wasilla, Alaska to open a topless car wash. There might be someone there interested in a jerb. I hear the weather's nice, too.

fatbob54 November 15, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Een Ruusha, naked cars wash you!

Mumbletypeg November 15, 2012 at 5:35 pm

the man who started a petition seeking Alabama’s withdrawal from the U.S

I'm sure Bugs Bunny has a hand saw available to loan him, if he wants to hurry up and sever something.

Pat_Pending November 15, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I hate the word 'boobs.' I can barely stand 'tits.' I prefer 'upper frontals.'

gullywompr November 15, 2012 at 5:46 pm

It's a perfectly cromulent word.

elviouslyqueer November 15, 2012 at 5:51 pm

"Funbags" is always nice. Or "dirty pillows."

emmelemm November 15, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Dirty pillows, a personal favorite.

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 10:07 pm

"Eve was weak. Say it."
"No, Momma!"
"Say it! SAY IT!" [slap]
"OWWWW! Eve was weak!"

emmelemm November 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Best ever!

johnnymeatworth November 15, 2012 at 5:53 pm

To quote Russ Meyer, "shadowcasting overhangs…."

snowpointsecret November 15, 2012 at 5:57 pm

I can't hear the word 'tits' without thinking of those little birds.

DemmeFatale November 15, 2012 at 8:00 pm

And I can't hear about those little birds without thinking of perky ol' titties!

shelwood46 November 16, 2012 at 1:20 am

Blue footed boobies!

EnnuiThereYet? November 15, 2012 at 5:59 pm

I don't care what you call 'em as long as they stay in an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.

LibertyLover November 15, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Sometimes ya gotta let the girls hang low, though. Because Freedom.

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 10:08 pm

From now on, I'm calling a jockstrap an under-the-butt-nut-hut.

An_Outhouse November 15, 2012 at 7:50 pm

plus upper frontals is unisex

FeloniousMonk November 15, 2012 at 9:17 pm

That's not a recommendation. On ladies, they are an aesthetic delight and a treasure, regardless of size, shape, condition, or anything else. On men … well, I've never had a woman compliment me on mine. Is there an underground of man-boob fanciers out there?

BaldarTFlagass November 15, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Ya mean like this? http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/583102
And it's probably not what you think.

FeloniousMonk November 16, 2012 at 12:16 am

Thank you, Baldar. I've just lost three meals.

docterry6973 November 15, 2012 at 8:06 pm

I call them proof that God loves mankind. The men and the lesbians, anyway.

C_R_Eature November 15, 2012 at 8:49 pm

"Mammalian Protuberances"

corthylio November 16, 2012 at 12:11 am

"Let me get my hands
On your mammary glands…"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfmSAow6AfE

bobbert November 16, 2012 at 2:00 am

Please. Despite, Steve, I've always liked "Golden Bozos" .

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 2:13 am

I'm king of partial to 'tigg-ole-bitties', myself.

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 10:38 am

I can almost hear Bob Hope singing ♬ "Thanks, for the mammaries…." ♬

EnnuiThereYet? November 15, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Of course it's Obama's fault. Remember when he launched his 2008 presidential campaign from Jefferson Davis' front porch?

Mumbletypeg November 15, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Unhooking his modem from the int'r-continental network, to become self-reliant with all his fellow Recessionists, should be no problem either; Californy may have softwarh' ingeneer surplus but they ain't got nothin' on Derrick's silicone valley!

Defeatably_Joe November 15, 2012 at 5:42 pm

So, municipal law, not federal law, or even state.

Two points, sir:

1) "States rights" does not mean "dissolve all government" (hell, it barely ever means States' rights, but that's a separate issue entirely, for once).

2) If you do believe in "dissolve all government", that makes you an anarchist.

3) You can totally still call yourself a libertarian, after all, plenty of right-winger anarchists already do, but that does make you a dipshit. Then again, so does everything else about this story.

SorosBot November 15, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I think what he believes in is "dissolve all government that personally inconveniences me", which makes him a pure and true Libertarian.

Geminisunmars November 15, 2012 at 6:09 pm

I think their platform is "I don wanna!"

PugglesRule November 16, 2012 at 10:33 am

And their symbol is a pacifier.

DemmeFatale November 15, 2012 at 8:07 pm

4) You will never kiss a girl.

boskolives November 16, 2012 at 10:39 am

I guess that makes a blow job out of the question?

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 10:10 pm

"Two points, sir:
1) …
2) …
3) …"

Always nice to run into a fellow English major.

bobbert November 16, 2012 at 2:07 am

Or a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 2:14 am

Rick Perry University.

coolhandnuke November 15, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Derrick there is a way to run a successful car wash. Sell top grade meth and liquidate your competition. Good luck Walter Whitey.

DCBloom November 15, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Damn you, you beat me to it!

sundaytrucker November 15, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Suddenly I see the wisdom in smaller government.

carlgt1 November 15, 2012 at 5:48 pm

what kind of commie in Alabama would have "Euro" in the name of his company?

coolhandnuke November 15, 2012 at 6:02 pm

It's short for Europeon…he immigrated from Rome, Georgia.

NellCote71 November 15, 2012 at 6:19 pm

And his father was from Paris, Texas.

TribecaMike November 15, 2012 at 7:13 pm

His aunt was from Saucier, Mississippi

corthylio November 16, 2012 at 12:14 am

I heard his mother was from Florence, Alabama…

AngryBlakGuy November 15, 2012 at 5:52 pm

…who would have figured that opening a NUDE car wash in bible thumper territory would result in your business getting shut down?!?!? And this is Obama's fault how?

BadKitty904 November 15, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Benghazi!

AngryBlakGuy November 15, 2012 at 8:20 pm

…good point. IMPEACHMENT!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!'m

johnnymeatworth November 15, 2012 at 5:53 pm

And yet Larry Flynt's Hustler Club in San Francisco thrives….

docterry6973 November 15, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Barack Obama is closing nudie carwashes in Mobile? IMPEACH

snowpointsecret November 15, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Not just closing them, retroactively closing them. This was in 2001, after all.

docterry6973 November 15, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Damn that Soros time machine!

Geminisunmars November 15, 2012 at 5:57 pm

That's a lot of chamois wow!

elviouslyqueer November 15, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Secession, he said, would allow Alabama and other states to stop entitlement programs.

Oh please, Belcher. Another of your fine municipalities couldn't even afford to upgrade all of its shitters. You wanna run your own little banana republic? Good luck with that.

Mumbletypeg November 15, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Indeed, the sheer number of accounts where Alabama officials have dogged their constituents could fill a cesspool.

slowhansolo November 15, 2012 at 11:58 pm

These low-cunning softies couldn't survive a grape embargo, let alone anarchy.

SayItWithWookies November 15, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Before he condemns the whole big government thing, Mr. Belcher might consider working for the FBI.

smokefilledroommate November 15, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Dammit, now Memaw is out of a job.

Mojopo November 15, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Ok, that's awesome.

emmelemm November 15, 2012 at 6:22 pm

That's a good one!

Mumbletypeg November 15, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Editrix better hurry and put another post up, every time I read this comment again I can't stop giggling

BadKitty904 November 15, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Sharp. Very sharp.

Tundra Grifter November 15, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I used to walk home from the San Francisco Financial District through North Beach.

When I passed by the "Talk to a Naked Woman for a Dollar" emporium on Broadway I would inquire of the barker "How's Mom?"

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 15, 2012 at 6:00 pm

A smart entrepreneur would have opened a second car wash just down the road from the topless one for when his customers finally realize there is still bird shit all over the hood of their car.

kittensdontlie November 15, 2012 at 6:01 pm

His Americanism is above reproach. No one else but a true American would have a nudie car wash.

Naked_Bunny November 15, 2012 at 6:09 pm

A true patriot wouldn't require his employees to wear thongs like a Muslin.

FeloniousMonk November 15, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Ahem. And you have to pay extra to get the tops off. No socialist handouts here.

bobbert November 16, 2012 at 2:14 am

Twenty-five goddam pounds for a teeny Euro carwash and another fiver for teh boobies? You can prolly still get laid in Amsterdam for thirty quid. (Not by those girls, though).

poorgradstudent November 15, 2012 at 6:02 pm

God, I just hope this starts that long-awaited chain reaction where the free-market libertarians and the theocrats tear each other apart. Unfortunately, if the last two decades have been any indication, the American Right is just dumb and crazy enough to handle the contradiction without ending up like NOMAD.

BadKitty904 November 15, 2012 at 6:38 pm

"Error? Error? Error? Examine."

~NOMAD

UnionSpies November 16, 2012 at 7:57 am

The strippers go to church and call themselves Christians down here, so don't even try to make sense of it all.

Naked_Bunny November 15, 2012 at 6:05 pm

At least he isn't trying to pin the blame on Bill Clinton, because, c'mon.

Barrelhse November 15, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Anyway, it's Nixon's fault.

tigernole November 15, 2012 at 6:06 pm

"they’re choking America to death with rules and regulations…" and all i want to do is choke my chicken

fitley November 15, 2012 at 6:07 pm

So the gov. during his biz shutdown was Bush's. Mmmm Hmmmm.

emmelemm November 15, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Here in the great Northwest, we fight over nudie espresso stands. Regional differences, y'all!

NellCote71 November 15, 2012 at 6:13 pm

But he said he was arrested and charged with obscenity by city officials in 2001. Obama has been president for that long??? It seems only a week ago.

Dashboard Buddha November 15, 2012 at 6:14 pm

This is good…but nearly as good as the dude who killed himself over Obama winning and also being responsible for his business failing.

His Tanning.Salon.In.Key.West business.
http://reason.com/24-7/2012/11/14/florida-man-com

decentcitizen November 15, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Darwin claims another victim.

Dashboard Buddha November 15, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Darwin's waiting room is never empty.

Barrelhse November 15, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Unfortunately for the Darwin Awards, this fella was already out of the gene pool BEFORE his demise.

Biff November 16, 2012 at 12:50 am

Oh for fuck's sake!

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 2:17 am

Wait…there are Republicans in Key West?!

Naked_Bunny November 15, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I’ve never taken a dime from the government.

The Economist says otherwise.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 15, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Mr. Belcher? A Whitesnake video is not a good basis for a business plan.

HarryButtle November 15, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Tawny Kitaen libel!

BadKitty904 November 15, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Well, in Alabama, maybe…

Tundra Grifter November 15, 2012 at 6:52 pm

My favorite is the carwash scene in "Cool Hand Luke."

tessiee November 17, 2012 at 1:17 am

It's not even a good basis for a video.

RelicOven November 15, 2012 at 6:20 pm

I'm not sure I see the appeal of a topless car wash…

snowpointsecret November 15, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Well, Derrick, thanks for the Mammaries.

owhatever November 15, 2012 at 6:33 pm

According to Article IV, Section C, paragraph 2 of the Illuminati Code, this guy was nailed in 2001, which not only was a hundred and four years ago, but the President responsible for this liberty taking was George the W Bush. Why do Republicans hate small business?

valthemus November 15, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I read stories like this and the thought of tossing out satirical bon mots in the comments section just seems like coals to Newcastle.

LIT_Fag November 15, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Should have kept a log of every car that came through. I'm sure there were probably some Local or state Republicans that he could have blackmailed to keep it open.

emmelemm November 15, 2012 at 7:03 pm

That's the real American way, after all.

Barrelhse November 15, 2012 at 8:01 pm

He had young boys there? Topless?

Schmegeg November 15, 2012 at 6:46 pm

I support this guys business model.Some poors are not able to afford nekked car washes. I think the government should subsidize this

docterry6973 November 15, 2012 at 8:09 pm

It could be one of Obama's gifts to his voters.

weejee November 15, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Do these rubes need to spell secede to be successful?

Lascauxcaveman November 16, 2012 at 1:58 am

"Ah hearbye succeed from the tha' Union!"

"Well, when you consider how much federal money you get compared to taxes you pay; yes, you do succeed."

TootsStansbury November 15, 2012 at 6:50 pm

I would like to meet this brilliant entrepreneur. And point at him and laugh.

cybermoe November 15, 2012 at 6:53 pm

I'm opening up a carwash with shirtless FBI agents (Federal Bikini Inspectors) bitches!

Tundra Grifter November 15, 2012 at 6:54 pm

I'll bet Grover Norquist has bigger boobs than some of the gals who worked that car wash.

And this gentleman certainly sounds like a bigger dick…

coolhandnuke November 15, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Their advertising catchphrase did raise a few eyebrows– "Euro Details your kind of car wash for wax on whacks off."

littlebigdaddy November 15, 2012 at 7:06 pm

This is one winger cause I can, er, get behind!

decentcitizen November 15, 2012 at 7:16 pm

I would be willing to look the other way on your nudie car wash if secession was a promise, not a threat.

BlueStateLibel November 15, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Pimp says what?

TribecaMike November 15, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Meanwhile, the Bar Eric Bana From Ever Playing An American Again petition got so many signatures it automatically became the 28th Amendment to the Constitution.

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 2:19 am

Also, Gerard Butler. Too. Tambien.

awwalk56 November 15, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Pathetic home schooled hick is lacking a bit in the 'American History" area. He should sneak in and submit his petition to the town hall at lunch hour or when (can't risk being caught and burned at the stake) the Reich christers are rounding up vampires, werewolves, Gays and Lesbians. Pathetic hick.

Serolf_Divad November 15, 2012 at 7:24 pm

I'm having one of those "holy crap, why didn't I think of that first" moments.*

* And by "that" I am, of course, referring to starting a petition for Alabama to secede from the union.

** OK, I'm a goddamn dirty liar…. I was actually thinking about naked lady car washes.

rocktonsam November 15, 2012 at 7:25 pm

do they detail the interior too?

Dashboard Buddha November 15, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Hell, they'll scrub your headers right down to the gasket. They also do heads.

rickmaci November 15, 2012 at 7:29 pm

“If the Confederacy fails, there should be written on its tombstone: Died of a Theory". Jefferson Davis

Belcher is proof the congenital stupidity never went away.

bobbert November 16, 2012 at 2:18 am

Is that a real quote? Because it suggests that it's morans all the way down.

pdiddycornchips November 15, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Was he hoping President Romney would send him his binders full of women?

La_Cieca November 15, 2012 at 7:44 pm

9/11 really did change everything forever.

An_Outhouse November 15, 2012 at 7:48 pm

we need to stand with the job creators.

christianmuslin November 15, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Is it just me, or why do I think this class act failed to reach out to achieve racial and gender diversity? Oh yeah, it's Alabama. Never mind.

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 10:24 pm

I have no idea about racial diversity, but "gender diversity" in the context of a topless car wash would be shirtless, mulleted rednecks washing cars — hardly a novelty in Alabama.

Barrelhse November 15, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Somebody ought to choke old "Soup" to death (with lynch).

kingofmeh November 15, 2012 at 7:56 pm

[calls euro details]
"do you guys do motorboats?"
"that costs extra."
[tows motorboat on a trailer over to euro details]
"okay, let me know when you're done with the boat."

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 10:25 pm

I'll bet the topless car wash gets LOTS of calls asking about motorboating.

YasserArraFeck November 15, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Topless? It's 'Bama, People. More like toothless.

drstrabismus November 15, 2012 at 8:11 pm

That's Chunchula, not Chuncula. "Chunchula is an unincorporated community and census-designated place in Mobile County, Alabama. As of the 2010 census, its population was 210. It has a post office with the 36521 ZIP code. The community has one site listed on the Alabama Register of Landmarks and Heritage, the Chunchula School." Wikipedia

A little wide spot in the road about 10 miles north of Mobile on Highway 45.

Mittaplasia November 15, 2012 at 10:50 pm

They confused it with Count Chocula cereal which is considered health food in Alabama.

Barrelhse November 15, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Wow. It's the home of Alabama's only school.

bobbert November 16, 2012 at 2:26 am

Wait. If it's unincorporated, how does it have a municipal gummit that can shut down the nudie carwash?

JustPixelz November 15, 2012 at 8:15 pm

The secessionists have inspired me. I've created my own petition on "We The People" at whitehouse.gov. My petition is to repeal the 22nd amendment (two term limit for president) so Barack Obama can be elected to a third term. Maybe it will pass! Or maybe it will just piss off the wing nuts.
https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/twenty-

FeloniousMonk November 16, 2012 at 1:03 am

Either would be worthwhile. As a non-citizen, I don't think I should vote for it, but you have my moral* support. I gather it was only introduced out of petty spite, but there was enough of that to pass it. My best, but very conservative, friend still refers to FDR as "Franklin the Rat".

*Eh, maybe not an applicable adjective, but whatever.

Dashboard Buddha November 15, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Belcher…rhymes with felcher.

VinnyThePooh November 15, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Talk to the Moral Majority, Derrick.

Tangled sin tax November 15, 2012 at 8:24 pm

2001? That Near Muslim Commie Socialist Nazi has a Tardis?

ttommyunger November 15, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Problem is, when the 'Bama Skanks got through with the inside, it smelled like dirty socks and burnt bacon for a week.

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 10:27 pm

and wite casuls.

ttommyunger November 15, 2012 at 10:32 pm

We have an abundance of Waffle Houses and Mickey D's. WC notsomuch.

MosesInvests November 16, 2012 at 2:33 am

Krystals, please.

Barrelhse November 15, 2012 at 11:33 pm

And those cakes we like.

ttommyunger November 16, 2012 at 7:57 am

And how!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

ibwilliamsi November 15, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Who was President in 2001? Didn't something else happen that year, too?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 15, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Workin' at the car wash, yeah.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v8I5egzoMo

[Because someone had to.]

PhilippePetain November 15, 2012 at 9:46 pm

I was going to say that only in Alabama do you find "That ol' tituh bar out on Falls Mill roaduh" but fuck no you don't! They're everywhere from buttfuck Arizona to Bozeman and back.

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Alabama’s secession petition Derrick Belcher, 45, of “Chuncula”?

He's a fat vampire?

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 9:55 pm

It's in Alabama, and doesn't have the word "nekkid" in the name?
He deserves to go out of business bidness.

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 10:00 pm

“It’s economics -– just that simple,” he said. “I’m working poor. And I work -– I’ve never taken a dime from the government. I’ll starve before I take a handout."

He's not "working poor" because
A) He doesn't work. The ladies do the actual work of washing the cars. All he does is collect the money they make.
B) Anybody who can't make money running a titty car wash *deserves* to starve to death.

tessiee November 15, 2012 at 10:19 pm

David Lee Roth is looking mighty fetching these days.

mosjef November 15, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Euro Details. A clean car for a dirty mind.

BaldarTFlagass November 15, 2012 at 11:26 pm

This man should be in an institution, and probably would be if Reagan hadn't shut them all down. It's pretty clear that this man is clinically insane and that this should not be a news article, as it simply takes advantage of this man's clear departure from reality. But I guess you could say the same thing about most of Fox's viewing audience.

bobbert November 16, 2012 at 2:30 am

(Strictly speaking, Reagan only shut down the institutions in California.)

BaldarTFlagass November 15, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Dude, it was successful during the Clinton era and shut down after Bush took over. I'm guessing you were shut down back in late '01 by the newly-formed T.&S.A.

slowhansolo November 15, 2012 at 11:55 pm

My fave petition so far is the one that would give us all one, and only one, free punch to Grover's junk.

RufusTFirefly November 16, 2012 at 12:24 am

Alabama state motto: "Thank God for Mississippi."

But in Latin.

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 2:24 am

The only kind of Latin they speak in 'Bama is Pig Latin.

Ollra Ideta!

bflrtsplk November 16, 2012 at 12:26 am

A name like Belcher has to belong to a beer drinker.

Biff November 16, 2012 at 12:28 am

Wait–don't they spell it warsh?

gurukalehuru November 16, 2012 at 12:55 am

2001??

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 1:24 am

Only slightly related, but some stooge started up a petition to calling for returning Toledo to Michigan. I say Ohio can keep it. We've already got Detroit, Flint, and Saginaw, thank you very much.

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 2:03 am

Truly, this is the highest form of tyranny. What kind of land is it where a man can not legally enjoy sopping wet tities pressed up against his windshield whilst getting his car washed? Not any land where I want to live. Give me topless carwashes or give me death!

bobbert November 16, 2012 at 2:32 am

I'm with you up to the give me topless carwashes part, but I think I diverge at the "or death" part.

livefrombagram November 16, 2012 at 2:06 am

Oh god. This is my neck of the woods. And he can't even spell Chunchula right.

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 2:11 am

Let me guess, this god-fearing, red-blooded Southerner probably hates the wimmenz, queerosexauls, the liberals, and The Blacks, though, right?

FeloniousMonk November 16, 2012 at 2:24 am

No, no. He loves them, he just hates their feminizin, fudge-packin, lieberalizin, melanizin ways. But you can't string up the sin, so the sinner's going to have to do.

bobbert November 16, 2012 at 2:34 am

You know, truly, the guy is just a jackass. It's hard to know who he might hate. Although, given the timing of this petition, "The Blacks" is probably a pretty good guess.

decentcitizen November 16, 2012 at 2:13 am

I think a man that can persuade women in Mobile to get naked and wash cars (for tips) has a political future in front of him. Derrick 2016!

livefrombagram November 16, 2012 at 2:18 am

I'm pretty disappointed in the comments on this. Don't y'all jerks know that the reason the Wonkettes is funny, here and in most places, is because the joke is not LOLOL SOUTHERNERS but LOLOL IDIOTS? It's fairly apparent that the stupid is even spread across our great nation. TRY HARDER NEXT TIME.

sati_demise November 16, 2012 at 2:38 am

He should have had the Cirque d Solei design them some leotards.
They can be painted very realistically with airbrushes.

See? You gotta think outside the box to beat the government!

Negropolis November 16, 2012 at 2:43 am

Totally OT, but did anyone hear the reports that Paula Poundwell, errr, Broadwell was mulling a run for one of North Carolina's Senate seats as a Republican?

Of course she was, bless her heart. This thing just keeps getting better and better. Telemundo don't have shit on this. Real Life FTW.

BZ1 November 16, 2012 at 7:27 am

Chunchula sound kinda foreigny!

DahBoner November 16, 2012 at 7:33 am

Derrick Belcher is my breast friend.

corthylio November 16, 2012 at 8:17 am

Your bosom buddy?

shylocxs November 16, 2012 at 8:49 am

One of the many reasons I loved Mobile, AL so much… topless car washing.

Dr. Matt November 16, 2012 at 8:56 am

Um, he wants nothing from the government yet he drives a truck……on what? Does he only take private roads in Alabama?

GoodDogThor November 16, 2012 at 9:22 am

So now he wants Alabama to secede, because somehow the resulting Christo-fungelical dictatorship of DumbFuckistan would be OK with topless anything…

T3rbo November 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm

“I don’t want to live in Russia. I don’t believe in socialism,” said Belcher, an operations manager for a Mobile trucking company [who is not sure if the Soviet Union was a communist state or what].

He's going to present his petition to the Governor, even though the top two lines of signatures are from people who live in:

Anonymous
and
States other than Alabama

Make sure you say Ron Paul when you are presenting said petition, and dress like a 18th century PATRIOT

FlownOver November 16, 2012 at 12:32 pm

So is this why Pablo Escobar started his petition for Colombian secession from the US of A?

Kate_fate November 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

EXCELLENT call, Wonkette! Let's hear it for States' rights.

gullywompr November 15, 2012 at 9:54 pm

If you want to be happy the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: