love it or leave it

Alabama Fella Pretty Much Started Petition ‘Cause Fascist Gubmint Shut Down His Nudie Carwash

GrossLots of red-blooded US Merkins love America so much they want to LEAVE IT (because Kenyan Mooslim Sharia Oppression and such). But one such patriot is a little more interesting! Sup, guy who started Alabama’s secession petition Derrick Belcher, 45, of “Chuncula”? “Blah blah libertarianism, RON PAUL!!!1!, freedom, not-racist, hard-working, etc.” Oh yes, here it is:

“It’s economics -– just that simple,” he said. “I’m working poor. And I work -– I’ve never taken a dime from the government. I’ll starve before I take a handout. That’s what being a true American is all about.”

Belcher blamed the government for shutting down his former business. Belcher said his Euro Details car wash, which featured topless women, was successful for a decade on Halls Mill Road in Mobile. But he said he was arrested and charged with obscenity by city officials in 2001.

“The government ripped my business away, and now they’re choking America to death with rules and regulations,” he said.

Yes, Derrick B.! Seceding from the Union will stop Mobile, Alabama, officials from arresting you for washing automobiles with bare ladies boobies. If anything, it just makes too much sense!

Stop Sharia! Secede from Mobile, maybe?

[BlogAL, thanks to Wonkette operative "Lisa Z"]

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345 comments

    1. sullivanst

      I can almost guarantee he's claimed EITC, and very, very likely other tax credits too, but only considers them handouts when other people get them.

    2. PsycWench

      I feel that statement has as much credibility as when men say they'd rather not have sex than have sex with a condom.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        In my priapic youth, I probably would have acquiesced to using a wool sock as a condom, if I going to get laid out of the deal.

          1. SnarkOff

            Come summer the work gets kind of hard
            This ain't no place to be if you plan on being a star
            Lemme tell you it's always cool
            And the boss don't mind sometimes if you act a fool

            (Just continuing with the 1970s cheesy-pop theme)

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I think… um.. I'm, ah… I think… ummm, wow!

      I'm going to go and lie down with a cool cloth on my forehead for awhile now…

    2. Not_So_Much

      Cletus should open a windshield repair business right next door. Bam! Free Market all up in his ass!

    3. OneYieldRegular

      There was one of these near where I grew up in the South, and I remember asking my father what it meant. He explained that it was for convertibles.

    4. Dudleydidwrong

      That would look good on the form for unemployment benefits:

      How did you lose your last job? Fired

      If you were fired, please explain: Nipples too hard.

      Approved!!!

    5. FeloniousMonk

      I think I'm missing something here. It isn't the cold, 'cause Alabama. I thought only men got aroused by cars. Do you mean all those ads have been telling the truth, and a powerful car really is an effective penis substitute? Is it a p-ness substitute too? I'm goin out an buy me a Lamborghini.

      (Wanders off humming "Every woman I know crazy 'bout an automobile, and here I am standin' with nothin' but a rubber heel.")

    6. Negropolis

      You'd be surprised how much some men love their cars. I've known folks who'd shun a smoking hot hooker in the summer because she might get booty sweat on the two-toned leather interior and scuff the chrome.

  1. dr_giraud

    Derrick Belcher should organize a million-boob march on Mobile. And, as the biggest boob in the parade, he should lead it, too.

    1. Callyson

      First, they came for the shirtless car washes…

      …um, er, maybe I don't want to finish that thought…

    1. MagnanaMouse

      You're a smart one! Heard all the "Romney has a sad" and got himself an idea: "I'mma use it with a Biden in it and weeeee-hoo! Now them libruls just gave me the witty! That means Romney's automatically President and we're at WAR again! Yeeeee ha!"

  2. snowpointsecret

    Well, he needed those topless women at the car wash because it sounds like this man is too dumb to have a woman get naked near him otherwise.

    1. SmutBoffin

      The 7-Eleven cup he keeps in his truck for 'emergencies' or just whenever he is running behind schedule and doesn't want to pull over.

  3. mbatch

    Yeah, but what have you been doing since 2001 Derrick? Driving a truck on those government-constructed highways? Maybe you should switch to all gravel roads on general principles.

    1. PugglesRule

      Not even gravel. Usually gravel roads are maintained by counties. I vote for dirt, just plain dirt. Mud would be good too. Or better yet, quicksand!

  4. Callyson

    he was arrested and charged with obscenity by city officials in 2001.
    “The government ripped my business away…"

    And you're only just now getting around to the secession petition? Yeah, your business woes might have more to do with your laziness than with anything the government did, buddy…

  5. FakaktaSouth

    Okay, number 1, that was 11 years ago, where was your petition then? And two, how the hell did I not know this place existed? (Much less that town) I mean damn. Money out the freaking window. Who wouldn't wanna work for an obvious fucking moron who thinks starving to death is the American way? Man I cant wait til I can point and laugh at this place too. Just, damn.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      Alabama is as red a state as they come. It was your fellow wingnuts that shut down your tittie car wash ya dumb cracker!

    2. CommieLibunatic

      I guess he didn't want to whine while the greatest president in the history of ever was in office.

    3. bobbert

      That really is the key point, isn't it. As with so many other instances of right-wing butthurt, this terrible governmental misbehavior doesn't seem to have risen to the level of requiring"secession" until just now. I wonder what changed?

  6. PugglesRule

    So he wants to secede from the United States because local government is restricting his freedom to have naked women wash cars?

    1. One_who_wanders

      I am pretty sure that is one of the reasons enumerated in the Declaration of Independence . . just afther the right to Rock and Roll all night and party every day.

  7. SorosBot

    Wait, why would anyone want to go to a topless car wash? Wouldn't that get the seats all wet? And turning away non-convertibles really limits the customer base.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      I don't know what happened. I clicked the link, blacked out, and came to just after hitting the upfist button. And there's this weird, awful tune I don't remember hearing ringing in my head.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      If he were in Nevada, 1) he'd be selling the same thing, 2) he'd be legal, and 3) he wouldn't be an olympic standard hypocrite.
      Oh, and the overheads would sure as shit be less…

    2. Guppy

      You think his business could survive in an actually competitive market?

      Besides, Nevada is full of godless communist Muslims, according to last week's vote.

  8. Veritas78

    What a shame—he's clearly a thrifty businessman. Think how much he saved on employee uniforms and laundry services.

  9. Designer_Rants

    When I went to Mobile I drove through a tunnel underwater. Then I stayed on the beach where all the houses were built on stilts and painted pretty Miami Vice colors. It was neat. But too bad about your nudie car wash problem, buddy.

    1. MissTaken

      After dinner at the Waffle House in Gulf Shores I shot off fireworks in the gulf while standing on the beach in February. South Alabama is fun. Too bad I missed the topless car wash, though.

      1. Biff

        That Waffle House was the first place I was discriminated against on my one and only trip to the Dirty South. Not because I had brown skin, because I was a long-haired hippie biker. Reminded me of the old days when Denny's wouldn't serve us, either.

    1. Guppy

      Living someplace where the local government apparently can't even wipe its own ass without a ballot question, I'd say "it doesn't."

    2. shelwood46

      The other night I had two people patronizingly explain that the town we lived in distributed liquor licenses based on zoning. They were quite adamant and very certain. When I told them they were wrong, they said, "Oh no, I read it somewhere." I thought about mentioning that I'd been the township Zoning Officer for five years, but then I remembered they were both Republicans and I'd be wasting my breath.

      1. CommieLibunatic

        I think at that point you're basically choosing between different bowls of shit, differentiated only by smell.

    1. FeloniousMonk

      Louisiana leans back and smiles. Then remembers it has Piyush Jindal for a governor and breaks down and weeps piteously.

    2. spareme

      As pointed out to me by a great friend who writes for Reuters, more than half on the signers on the Alabama petition were not from Alabama. Which means that more than half of the country would love to see us secede.

  10. barto

    How many fictitious items can our editrix fit into a single report? "Belcher"? "Chunkula"??? Nekkid wimmin worshin cars?1!/!?

    sure……

    1. BadKitty904

      "Perhaps you're not familiar with weird-ass Southern place-names," said the boy who lives some north of Wewahootee.

  11. LibertyLover

    He's never taken a dime from government, but I'll just bet that he's hooked up to the government's sewer system and gets that water from a pipe that comes from a plant that has treated that water to make it safe for boobies.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      I think he should go to Wasilla, Alaska to open a topless car wash. There might be someone there interested in a jerb. I hear the weather's nice, too.

      1. FeloniousMonk

        That's not a recommendation. On ladies, they are an aesthetic delight and a treasure, regardless of size, shape, condition, or anything else. On men … well, I've never had a woman compliment me on mine. Is there an underground of man-boob fanciers out there?

  12. EnnuiThereYet?

    Of course it's Obama's fault. Remember when he launched his 2008 presidential campaign from Jefferson Davis' front porch?

  13. Mumbletypeg

    Unhooking his modem from the int'r-continental network, to become self-reliant with all his fellow Recessionists, should be no problem either; Californy may have softwarh' ingeneer surplus but they ain't got nothin' on Derrick's silicone valley!

  14. Defeatably_Joe

    So, municipal law, not federal law, or even state.

    Two points, sir:

    1) "States rights" does not mean "dissolve all government" (hell, it barely ever means States' rights, but that's a separate issue entirely, for once).

    2) If you do believe in "dissolve all government", that makes you an anarchist.

    3) You can totally still call yourself a libertarian, after all, plenty of right-winger anarchists already do, but that does make you a dipshit. Then again, so does everything else about this story.

    1. SorosBot

      I think what he believes in is "dissolve all government that personally inconveniences me", which makes him a pure and true Libertarian.

  15. coolhandnuke

    Derrick there is a way to run a successful car wash. Sell top grade meth and liquidate your competition. Good luck Walter Whitey.

  16. AngryBlakGuy

    …who would have figured that opening a NUDE car wash in bible thumper territory would result in your business getting shut down?!?!? And this is Obama's fault how?

  17. elviouslyqueer

    Secession, he said, would allow Alabama and other states to stop entitlement programs.

    Oh please, Belcher. Another of your fine municipalities couldn't even afford to upgrade all of its shitters. You wanna run your own little banana republic? Good luck with that.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      I used to walk home from the San Francisco Financial District through North Beach.

      When I passed by the "Talk to a Naked Woman for a Dollar" emporium on Broadway I would inquire of the barker "How's Mom?"

  18. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    A smart entrepreneur would have opened a second car wash just down the road from the topless one for when his customers finally realize there is still bird shit all over the hood of their car.

  19. kittensdontlie

    His Americanism is above reproach. No one else but a true American would have a nudie car wash.

      1. bobbert

        Twenty-five goddam pounds for a teeny Euro carwash and another fiver for teh boobies? You can prolly still get laid in Amsterdam for thirty quid. (Not by those girls, though).

  20. poorgradstudent

    God, I just hope this starts that long-awaited chain reaction where the free-market libertarians and the theocrats tear each other apart. Unfortunately, if the last two decades have been any indication, the American Right is just dumb and crazy enough to handle the contradiction without ending up like NOMAD.

    1. UnionSpies

      The strippers go to church and call themselves Christians down here, so don't even try to make sense of it all.

  21. tigernole

    "they’re choking America to death with rules and regulations…" and all i want to do is choke my chicken

  22. NellCote71

    But he said he was arrested and charged with obscenity by city officials in 2001. Obama has been president for that long??? It seems only a week ago.

  23. owhatever

    According to Article IV, Section C, paragraph 2 of the Illuminati Code, this guy was nailed in 2001, which not only was a hundred and four years ago, but the President responsible for this liberty taking was George the W Bush. Why do Republicans hate small business?

  24. LIT_Fag

    Should have kept a log of every car that came through. I'm sure there were probably some Local or state Republicans that he could have blackmailed to keep it open.

  25. Schmegeg

    I support this guys business model.Some poors are not able to afford nekked car washes. I think the government should subsidize this

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      "Ah hearbye succeed from the tha' Union!"

      "Well, when you consider how much federal money you get compared to taxes you pay; yes, you do succeed."

  26. Tundra Grifter

    I'll bet Grover Norquist has bigger boobs than some of the gals who worked that car wash.

    And this gentleman certainly sounds like a bigger dick…

  27. coolhandnuke

    Their advertising catchphrase did raise a few eyebrows– "Euro Details your kind of car wash for wax on whacks off."

  28. decentcitizen

    I would be willing to look the other way on your nudie car wash if secession was a promise, not a threat.

  29. TribecaMike

    Meanwhile, the Bar Eric Bana From Ever Playing An American Again petition got so many signatures it automatically became the 28th Amendment to the Constitution.

  30. awwalk56

    Pathetic home schooled hick is lacking a bit in the 'American History" area. He should sneak in and submit his petition to the town hall at lunch hour or when (can't risk being caught and burned at the stake) the Reich christers are rounding up vampires, werewolves, Gays and Lesbians. Pathetic hick.

  31. Serolf_Divad

    I'm having one of those "holy crap, why didn't I think of that first" moments.*

    * And by "that" I am, of course, referring to starting a petition for Alabama to secede from the union.

    ** OK, I'm a goddamn dirty liar…. I was actually thinking about naked lady car washes.

  32. rickmaci

    “If the Confederacy fails, there should be written on its tombstone: Died of a Theory". Jefferson Davis

    Belcher is proof the congenital stupidity never went away.

  33. christianmuslin

    Is it just me, or why do I think this class act failed to reach out to achieve racial and gender diversity? Oh yeah, it's Alabama. Never mind.

    1. tessiee

      I have no idea about racial diversity, but "gender diversity" in the context of a topless car wash would be shirtless, mulleted rednecks washing cars — hardly a novelty in Alabama.

  34. kingofmeh

    [calls euro details]
    "do you guys do motorboats?"
    "that costs extra."
    [tows motorboat on a trailer over to euro details]
    "okay, let me know when you're done with the boat."

  35. drstrabismus

    That's Chunchula, not Chuncula. "Chunchula is an unincorporated community and census-designated place in Mobile County, Alabama. As of the 2010 census, its population was 210. It has a post office with the 36521 ZIP code. The community has one site listed on the Alabama Register of Landmarks and Heritage, the Chunchula School." Wikipedia

    A little wide spot in the road about 10 miles north of Mobile on Highway 45.

    1. bobbert

      Wait. If it's unincorporated, how does it have a municipal gummit that can shut down the nudie carwash?

  36. JustPixelz

    The secessionists have inspired me. I've created my own petition on "We The People" at whitehouse.gov. My petition is to repeal the 22nd amendment (two term limit for president) so Barack Obama can be elected to a third term. Maybe it will pass! Or maybe it will just piss off the wing nuts.
    https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/twenty-

    1. FeloniousMonk

      Either would be worthwhile. As a non-citizen, I don't think I should vote for it, but you have my moral* support. I gather it was only introduced out of petty spite, but there was enough of that to pass it. My best, but very conservative, friend still refers to FDR as "Franklin the Rat".

      *Eh, maybe not an applicable adjective, but whatever.

  37. ttommyunger

    Problem is, when the 'Bama Skanks got through with the inside, it smelled like dirty socks and burnt bacon for a week.

  38. PhilippePetain

    I was going to say that only in Alabama do you find "That ol' tituh bar out on Falls Mill roaduh" but fuck no you don't! They're everywhere from buttfuck Arizona to Bozeman and back.

  39. tessiee

    It's in Alabama, and doesn't have the word "nekkid" in the name?
    He deserves to go out of business bidness.

  40. tessiee

    “It’s economics -– just that simple,” he said. “I’m working poor. And I work -– I’ve never taken a dime from the government. I’ll starve before I take a handout."

    He's not "working poor" because
    A) He doesn't work. The ladies do the actual work of washing the cars. All he does is collect the money they make.
    B) Anybody who can't make money running a titty car wash *deserves* to starve to death.

  41. BaldarTFlagass

    This man should be in an institution, and probably would be if Reagan hadn't shut them all down. It's pretty clear that this man is clinically insane and that this should not be a news article, as it simply takes advantage of this man's clear departure from reality. But I guess you could say the same thing about most of Fox's viewing audience.

  42. BaldarTFlagass

    Dude, it was successful during the Clinton era and shut down after Bush took over. I'm guessing you were shut down back in late '01 by the newly-formed T.&S.A.

  43. Negropolis

    Only slightly related, but some stooge started up a petition to calling for returning Toledo to Michigan. I say Ohio can keep it. We've already got Detroit, Flint, and Saginaw, thank you very much.

  44. Negropolis

    Truly, this is the highest form of tyranny. What kind of land is it where a man can not legally enjoy sopping wet tities pressed up against his windshield whilst getting his car washed? Not any land where I want to live. Give me topless carwashes or give me death!

  45. Negropolis

    Let me guess, this god-fearing, red-blooded Southerner probably hates the wimmenz, queerosexauls, the liberals, and The Blacks, though, right?

    1. FeloniousMonk

      No, no. He loves them, he just hates their feminizin, fudge-packin, lieberalizin, melanizin ways. But you can't string up the sin, so the sinner's going to have to do.

    2. bobbert

      You know, truly, the guy is just a jackass. It's hard to know who he might hate. Although, given the timing of this petition, "The Blacks" is probably a pretty good guess.

  46. decentcitizen

    I think a man that can persuade women in Mobile to get naked and wash cars (for tips) has a political future in front of him. Derrick 2016!

  47. livefrombagram

    I'm pretty disappointed in the comments on this. Don't y'all jerks know that the reason the Wonkettes is funny, here and in most places, is because the joke is not LOLOL SOUTHERNERS but LOLOL IDIOTS? It's fairly apparent that the stupid is even spread across our great nation. TRY HARDER NEXT TIME.

  48. sati_demise

    He should have had the Cirque d Solei design them some leotards.
    They can be painted very realistically with airbrushes.

    See? You gotta think outside the box to beat the government!

  49. Negropolis

    Totally OT, but did anyone hear the reports that Paula Poundwell, errr, Broadwell was mulling a run for one of North Carolina's Senate seats as a Republican?

    Of course she was, bless her heart. This thing just keeps getting better and better. Telemundo don't have shit on this. Real Life FTW.

  50. Dr. Matt

    Um, he wants nothing from the government yet he drives a truck……on what? Does he only take private roads in Alabama?

  51. GoodDogThor

    So now he wants Alabama to secede, because somehow the resulting Christo-fungelical dictatorship of DumbFuckistan would be OK with topless anything…

  52. T3rbo

    “I don’t want to live in Russia. I don’t believe in socialism,” said Belcher, an operations manager for a Mobile trucking company [who is not sure if the Soviet Union was a communist state or what].

    He's going to present his petition to the Governor, even though the top two lines of signatures are from people who live in:

    Anonymous
    and
    States other than Alabama

    Make sure you say Ron Paul when you are presenting said petition, and dress like a 18th century PATRIOT

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