love it or leave it

Alabama Fella Pretty Much Started Petition ‘Cause Fascist Gubmint Shut Down His Nudie Carwash

GrossLots of red-blooded US Merkins love America so much they want to LEAVE IT (because Kenyan Mooslim Sharia Oppression and such). But one such patriot is a little more interesting! Sup, guy who started Alabama’s secession petition Derrick Belcher, 45, of “Chuncula”? “Blah blah libertarianism, RON PAUL!!!1!, freedom, not-racist, hard-working, etc.” Oh yes, here it is:

“It’s economics -– just that simple,” he said. “I’m working poor. And I work -– I’ve never taken a dime from the government. I’ll starve before I take a handout. That’s what being a true American is all about.”

Belcher blamed the government for shutting down his former business. Belcher said his Euro Details car wash, which featured topless women, was successful for a decade on Halls Mill Road in Mobile. But he said he was arrested and charged with obscenity by city officials in 2001.

“The government ripped my business away, and now they’re choking America to death with rules and regulations,” he said.

Yes, Derrick B.! Seceding from the Union will stop Mobile, Alabama, officials from arresting you for washing automobiles with bare ladies boobies. If anything, it just makes too much sense!

Stop Sharia! Secede from Mobile, maybe?

[BlogAL, thanks to Wonkette operative “Lisa Z”]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • Tom

    Family values?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Probably not…Mammary values maybe.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Family values are beyond reproach at those times when said family caries the name of "Belcher", too.

  • SnarkOff

    "I’ll starve before I take a handout."

    One can only hope.

    • sullivanst

      I can almost guarantee he's claimed EITC, and very, very likely other tax credits too, but only considers them handouts when other people get them.

    • JohnnyQuick

      …and before he gets a free handjob, also.

    • CommieLibunatic

      He might think twice about that if he knew what actually happens when you starve to death.

    • PsycWench

      I feel that statement has as much credibility as when men say they'd rather not have sex than have sex with a condom.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        In my priapic youth, I probably would have acquiesced to using a wool sock as a condom, if I going to get laid out of the deal.

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          WOOLITE LIBEL

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm too busy today to read this article. What happened to Joe Biden?

    • Callyson

      He took one look at that photo and decided to wash his car himself.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Fred Humphries II Jr

      Biden wanted some ladies to wash his Camaro but the place was closed down. Turned out BHO had personally arrested the owner.

      • Geminisunmars

        Yeah, that's what I took away too.

  • MissTaken

    Topless car wash makes no sense. The nipples would get so hard they could break the windshield.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Care to demonstrate?

      • SorosBot

        I'm gonna' be keepin' an eye on you too now.

        • Mojopo

          When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you watch your friends.

          • SnarkOff

            Come summer the work gets kind of hard
            This ain't no place to be if you plan on being a star
            Lemme tell you it's always cool
            And the boss don't mind sometimes if you act a fool

            (Just continuing with the 1970s cheesy-pop theme)

          • gullywompr

            If you want to be happy the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            So that's why I keep banging so many uggos!

      • emmelemm

        HEY!

        • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

          If you care to demonstrate, I'm all for it.

          • Doktor Zoom

            I went down to the demonstration
            To watch Lionel get his fair share of abuse

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I think… um.. I'm, ah… I think… ummm, wow!

      I'm going to go and lie down with a cool cloth on my forehead for awhile now…

    • Not_So_Much

      Cletus should open a windshield repair business right next door. Bam! Free Market all up in his ass!

      • CommieLibunatic

        Is that what the kids are calling spontaneous buttsechs nowadays?

    • OneYieldRegular

      There was one of these near where I grew up in the South, and I remember asking my father what it meant. He explained that it was for convertibles.

      • BadKitty904

        Bless his heart.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      That would look good on the form for unemployment benefits:

      How did you lose your last job? Fired

      If you were fired, please explain: Nipples too hard.

      Approved!!!

      • sullivanst

        Yeah, I think that file would be put in the "REVIEW!!!" pile.

    • Wadisay

      Does the car get bigger when they rub?

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        "Oh you dirty, dirty car! You came to the right place, sugar."

    • JustPixelz

      Your explanation made me break my computer screen. Because of hardness.

    • FeloniousMonk

      I think I'm missing something here. It isn't the cold, 'cause Alabama. I thought only men got aroused by cars. Do you mean all those ads have been telling the truth, and a powerful car really is an effective penis substitute? Is it a p-ness substitute too? I'm goin out an buy me a Lamborghini.

      (Wanders off humming "Every woman I know crazy 'bout an automobile, and here I am standin' with nothin' but a rubber heel.")

      • MoeDeLawn

        Let's take a ride….

        I loves me some Ry humor.

    • gullywompr

      Huh. I thought that was just a stone chip.

      • Doktor Zoom

        A chip slip?

    • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

      I'll be in my bunk.

    • Negropolis

      You'd be surprised how much some men love their cars. I've known folks who'd shun a smoking hot hooker in the summer because she might get booty sweat on the two-toned leather interior and scuff the chrome.

  • dr_giraud

    Derrick Belcher should organize a million-boob march on Mobile. And, as the biggest boob in the parade, he should lead it, too.

  • fawkedifiknow

    How much to shine my knob (gear shift knob, I mean)?

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    Oh, we should definitely let Alabama go.

    • Biff

      But we should hang onto the nekkid women. Well, some of 'em, anyway.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If we live in a land where shirtless FBI agents are allowed to run free, but shirtless car washes are shut down, are any of us free?

    • Callyson

      First, they came for the shirtless car washes…

      …um, er, maybe I don't want to finish that thought…

    • Tundra Grifter

      Apparently it's but a tiny step from shirtless to shitless.

      • Beowoof

        Well they did make the jump instantly to witless.

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    Also, Joe Biden upon hearing the news, haz a sad.

    • MagnanaMouse

      You're a smart one! Heard all the "Romney has a sad" and got himself an idea: "I'mma use it with a Biden in it and weeeee-hoo! Now them libruls just gave me the witty! That means Romney's automatically President and we're at WAR again! Yeeeee ha!"

  • snowpointsecret

    Well, he needed those topless women at the car wash because it sounds like this man is too dumb to have a woman get naked near him otherwise.

    • gullywompr

      Wait, go slower so I can write this down….

      1) Don't be too dumb.

      OK, go on.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    describes himself as “an absolute Libertarian.

    Wonder what his Tree of Liberty gets watered with.

    • SmutBoffin

      The 7-Eleven cup he keeps in his truck for 'emergencies' or just whenever he is running behind schedule and doesn't want to pull over.

      • Biff

        I thought that was a spit-cup?

    • sullivanst

      Absolut? Or the closest shiner approximation to it.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      I'm guessing it SHOULD be watered with a steady IV drip of anti-psychotics.

    • Geminisunmars

      He wants it to be suds.

    • tessiee

      Pabst Blue Ribbon, either regular or recycled.

  • mbatch

    Yeah, but what have you been doing since 2001 Derrick? Driving a truck on those government-constructed highways? Maybe you should switch to all gravel roads on general principles.

    • elviouslyqueer

      You've obviously never been to South Alabama, have you, darling?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Gravel roads that he creates as he drives, from stone that he quarries and crushes all by his lonesome.

    • Biff

      I used to grade gravel roads for the county road department.

    • shelwood46

      My guess? Working for Austal building ships for the Navy.

    • PugglesRule

      Not even gravel. Usually gravel roads are maintained by counties. I vote for dirt, just plain dirt. Mud would be good too. Or better yet, quicksand!

    • bureaucrap

      Just because they're gravel doesn't necessarily mean they weren't provided at government expense.

  • SmutBoffin

    And what did Count Chunkula have to say about "working people" having the right to unionize?

  • Blunderthing

    Did someone say "boobies"? I'll take two.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Well, two at a time, anyway.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Ya seen two, ya seen 'em all…

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      When my nephew was 12, the only way to wake him up was to say "titties!" in his ear.

      • Biff

        At 60, that still works for me!

    • Doktor Zoom

      They travel in pairs

      • corthylio

        Are you saying Derrick has a twin?

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        -Woody Allen,
        Everything you wanted to know about sex, too.

  • Callyson

    he was arrested and charged with obscenity by city officials in 2001.
    “The government ripped my business away…"

    And you're only just now getting around to the secession petition? Yeah, your business woes might have more to do with your laziness than with anything the government did, buddy…

  • FakaktaSouth

    Okay, number 1, that was 11 years ago, where was your petition then? And two, how the hell did I not know this place existed? (Much less that town) I mean damn. Money out the freaking window. Who wouldn't wanna work for an obvious fucking moron who thinks starving to death is the American way? Man I cant wait til I can point and laugh at this place too. Just, damn.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Alabama is as red a state as they come. It was your fellow wingnuts that shut down your tittie car wash ya dumb cracker!

    • CommieLibunatic

      I guess he didn't want to whine while the greatest president in the history of ever was in office.

    • spareme

      Ugh.

    • bobbert

      That really is the key point, isn't it. As with so many other instances of right-wing butthurt, this terrible governmental misbehavior doesn't seem to have risen to the level of requiring"secession" until just now. I wonder what changed?

      • Toomush_Infer

        blah….

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    I may not be able to describe car washes, but I know them when I see them.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Lol, Justice Stewart gets his car washed.

      • tessiee

        And Clarence Thomas.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    What's next? Is the Government going to shut down my business where I offer people sex or illegal drugs for money?

    We must all secede!!!

  • SorosBot

    Bet he supports "States' Rights", and doesn't get the irony.

  • Aridzona

    What year is that Corvette?

    • MissTaken

      What corvette?

      • SorosBot

        The Little Red one?

        • MissTaken

          The nekkid woman's ass? Cuz that's all I see.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

      I'd say a '92.

      • Aridzona

        I was thinking more like a '38.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          special?

        • SorosBot

          I was thinking more a DD.

          • glasspusher

            70s. Just like this guys' IQ

      • spareme

        I'd say thats it or close.

    • Sivart_R1
      • Aridzona

        Shirley, you can't be serious?

        • Sivart_R1

          Mr. Stryker, stop calling me Shirley

    • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

      I don't know, but I had no idea Dee Snider had such a nice ass.

    • tessiee

      Looks like a 73 or 74.

  • PugglesRule

    So he wants to secede from the United States because local government is restricting his freedom to have naked women wash cars?

    • NellCote71

      Yes.

    • BadKitty904

      11 years ago.

    • One_who_wanders

      I am pretty sure that is one of the reasons enumerated in the Declaration of Independence . . just afther the right to Rock and Roll all night and party every day.

  • SorosBot

    Wait, why would anyone want to go to a topless car wash? Wouldn't that get the seats all wet? And turning away non-convertibles really limits the customer base.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

      The customers would have to be very base.

  • CrunchyKnee

    2001? Hmmmmm, who was your preznit then, Mr. Dumbass?

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      That mission accomplished, also.

  • Ryy

    This is all I have to say: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLNPCqzRVU0

    • CommieLibunatic

      I don't know what happened. I clicked the link, blacked out, and came to just after hitting the upfist button. And there's this weird, awful tune I don't remember hearing ringing in my head.

  • snowpointsecret

    I don't get it, why doesn't he just go to Nevada?

    • PhilippePetain

      Free market solutions.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      If he were in Nevada, 1) he'd be selling the same thing, 2) he'd be legal, and 3) he wouldn't be an olympic standard hypocrite.
      Oh, and the overheads would sure as shit be less…

    • Guppy

      You think his business could survive in an actually competitive market?

      Besides, Nevada is full of godless communist Muslims, according to last week's vote.

      • decentcitizen

        I'm not Muslim.

        • Guppy

          That makes you a crypto-Muslim.

      • PugglesRule

        Muslin, dammit! Muslin!

    • poorgradstudent

      A car wash/brothel may indeed be one of the greatest innovations of humanity.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Because Harry Reid.

  • Veritas78

    What a shame—he's clearly a thrifty businessman. Think how much he saved on employee uniforms and laundry services.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      And admission to those tittie bars

  • HempDogbane

    Come on over to my new BurkaWash. My ladies'll take care of you…and your car!

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Featuring the newest in Chamois burkas– Let these 'lil ladies roll all over your car! You'll be glad you did! Praise Muhammad!

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    When I went to Mobile I drove through a tunnel underwater. Then I stayed on the beach where all the houses were built on stilts and painted pretty Miami Vice colors. It was neat. But too bad about your nudie car wash problem, buddy.

    • MissTaken

      After dinner at the Waffle House in Gulf Shores I shot off fireworks in the gulf while standing on the beach in February. South Alabama is fun. Too bad I missed the topless car wash, though.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        Dammit, I musta missed the Waffle House. We still ate good though. Also, nice little zoo there for the little ones.

      • Guppy

        Did the fireworks set fire to the gulf, or was this before the BP spill?

        • MissTaken

          Definitely before. I hope such activity is illegal post-BP

      • Biff

        That Waffle House was the first place I was discriminated against on my one and only trip to the Dirty South. Not because I had brown skin, because I was a long-haired hippie biker. Reminded me of the old days when Denny's wouldn't serve us, either.

        • bobbert

          I got shit at restaurants in the South when I was in the fucking Air Force, because Yankee.

          • Biff

            My brother was at Keesler in about '65, they hated him too.

        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

          At least it didn't turn out like the end of "Easy Rider".

    • BadKitty904

      *GREAT* seafood in Mobile! Or, at least, there was, pre-BP.

  • Estproph

    The only topless carwash to have a washing machine on the front porch.

    • Aridzona

      And a couch with sagging springs.

      • Guppy

        If only that was all that was sagging…

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Surprised that Vette ain't up on cinder blocks, to be honest.

  • sullivanst

    Local fucking government. How does it work?

    • Guppy

      Living someplace where the local government apparently can't even wipe its own ass without a ballot question, I'd say "it doesn't."

    • TribecaMike

      Well, first you find a complacent farm animal…

    • shelwood46

      The other night I had two people patronizingly explain that the town we lived in distributed liquor licenses based on zoning. They were quite adamant and very certain. When I told them they were wrong, they said, "Oh no, I read it somewhere." I thought about mentioning that I'd been the township Zoning Officer for five years, but then I remembered they were both Republicans and I'd be wasting my breath.

      • bobbert

        I wish I had your self-control.

      • PugglesRule

        Trying to explain how government works to Republicans really IS a waste a breath.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh Alabama, thank God for you.

    Love,

    Mississippi

    • BadKitty904

      I've seen bumper-stickers in Pensacola:

      FLORIDA: At least we're not Alabama.

      • CommieLibunatic

        I think at that point you're basically choosing between different bowls of shit, differentiated only by smell.

      • Esteev

        Arizona, you now have a goal.

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        California: Gateway to Hawaii.

    • FeloniousMonk

      Louisiana leans back and smiles. Then remembers it has Piyush Jindal for a governor and breaks down and weeps piteously.

    • tessiee

      "PS Sacralonna says hey"

    • spareme

      As pointed out to me by a great friend who writes for Reuters, more than half on the signers on the Alabama petition were not from Alabama. Which means that more than half of the country would love to see us secede.

      • UnionSpies

        I signed the Kansas petition just because I felt like picking on a landlocked Red State.

  • barto

    How many fictitious items can our editrix fit into a single report? "Belcher"? "Chunkula"??? Nekkid wimmin worshin cars?1!/!?

    sure……

    • BadKitty904

      "Perhaps you're not familiar with weird-ass Southern place-names," said the boy who lives some north of Wewahootee.

  • LibertyLover

    He's never taken a dime from government, but I'll just bet that he's hooked up to the government's sewer system and gets that water from a pipe that comes from a plant that has treated that water to make it safe for boobies.

    • Guppy

      "This water is certified safe for boobies."

      I have a brilliant bottled water business idea!

    • UnionSpies

      Wonder how many of his customers are military or military contractors.

  • HarryButtle

    EURO Details? What's wrong with good ol' 'Murican Details?

    • Pat_Pending

      yeah, no shit. Belcher sounds like a closet socialist.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Sounds like a french fag ta me. [spit!]

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        International redundancy, once again

    • snowpointsecret

      Depending on the country, lower wages. He learned that outsourcing thing from Mitt.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      American Details = You have a car that runs most of the time. You're Welcome.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Er, that's "Uro", on account of the "Golden Shower Special Rinse" ($5.00 extra)

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Actually, a topless car wash would go over big in Russia. But not practical year-round.

    • Guppy

      It's easy enough to just import topless Russian girls nowadays, anyway.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I think he should go to Wasilla, Alaska to open a topless car wash. There might be someone there interested in a jerb. I hear the weather's nice, too.

    • fatbob54

      Een Ruusha, naked cars wash you!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    the man who started a petition seeking Alabama’s withdrawal from the U.S

    I'm sure Bugs Bunny has a hand saw available to loan him, if he wants to hurry up and sever something.

  • Pat_Pending

    I hate the word 'boobs.' I can barely stand 'tits.' I prefer 'upper frontals.'

    • gullywompr

      It's a perfectly cromulent word.

    • elviouslyqueer

      "Funbags" is always nice. Or "dirty pillows."

      • emmelemm

        Dirty pillows, a personal favorite.

        • tessiee

          "Eve was weak. Say it."
          "No, Momma!"
          "Say it! SAY IT!" [slap]
          "OWWWW! Eve was weak!"

          • emmelemm

            Best ever!

    • johnnymeatworth

      To quote Russ Meyer, "shadowcasting overhangs…."

    • snowpointsecret

      I can't hear the word 'tits' without thinking of those little birds.

      • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

        And I can't hear about those little birds without thinking of perky ol' titties!

      • shelwood46

        Blue footed boobies!

    • EnnuiThereYet?

      I don't care what you call 'em as long as they stay in an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.

      • LibertyLover

        Sometimes ya gotta let the girls hang low, though. Because Freedom.

      • tessiee

        From now on, I'm calling a jockstrap an under-the-butt-nut-hut.

    • An_Outhouse

      plus upper frontals is unisex

      • FeloniousMonk

        That's not a recommendation. On ladies, they are an aesthetic delight and a treasure, regardless of size, shape, condition, or anything else. On men … well, I've never had a woman compliment me on mine. Is there an underground of man-boob fanciers out there?

    • docterry6973

      I call them proof that God loves mankind. The men and the lesbians, anyway.

    • https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/issue-presidential-proclamation-recognize-efforts-voter-ad C_R_Eature

      "Mammalian Protuberances"

    • corthylio

      "Let me get my hands
      On your mammary glands…"
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfmSAow6AfE

    • bobbert

      Please. Despite, Steve, I've always liked "Golden Bozos" .

    • Negropolis

      I'm king of partial to 'tigg-ole-bitties', myself.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      I can almost hear Bob Hope singing ♬ "Thanks, for the mammaries…." ♬

  • EnnuiThereYet?

    Of course it's Obama's fault. Remember when he launched his 2008 presidential campaign from Jefferson Davis' front porch?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Unhooking his modem from the int'r-continental network, to become self-reliant with all his fellow Recessionists, should be no problem either; Californy may have softwarh' ingeneer surplus but they ain't got nothin' on Derrick's silicone valley!

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

    So, municipal law, not federal law, or even state.

    Two points, sir:

    1) "States rights" does not mean "dissolve all government" (hell, it barely ever means States' rights, but that's a separate issue entirely, for once).

    2) If you do believe in "dissolve all government", that makes you an anarchist.

    3) You can totally still call yourself a libertarian, after all, plenty of right-winger anarchists already do, but that does make you a dipshit. Then again, so does everything else about this story.

    • SorosBot

      I think what he believes in is "dissolve all government that personally inconveniences me", which makes him a pure and true Libertarian.

      • Geminisunmars

        I think their platform is "I don wanna!"

        • PugglesRule

          And their symbol is a pacifier.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      4) You will never kiss a girl.

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        I guess that makes a blow job out of the question?

    • tessiee

      "Two points, sir:
      1) …
      2) …
      3) …"

      Always nice to run into a fellow English major.

      • bobbert

        Or a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

      • Negropolis

        Rick Perry University.

  • coolhandnuke

    Derrick there is a way to run a successful car wash. Sell top grade meth and liquidate your competition. Good luck Walter Whitey.

    • DCBloom

      Damn you, you beat me to it!

  • sundaytrucker

    Suddenly I see the wisdom in smaller government.

  • carlgt1

    what kind of commie in Alabama would have "Euro" in the name of his company?

    • coolhandnuke

      It's short for Europeon…he immigrated from Rome, Georgia.

      • NellCote71

        And his father was from Paris, Texas.

        • TribecaMike

          His aunt was from Saucier, Mississippi

      • corthylio

        I heard his mother was from Florence, Alabama…

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …who would have figured that opening a NUDE car wash in bible thumper territory would result in your business getting shut down?!?!? And this is Obama's fault how?

    • BadKitty904

      Benghazi!

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …good point. IMPEACHMENT!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!'m

  • johnnymeatworth

    And yet Larry Flynt's Hustler Club in San Francisco thrives….

  • docterry6973

    Barack Obama is closing nudie carwashes in Mobile? IMPEACH

    • snowpointsecret

      Not just closing them, retroactively closing them. This was in 2001, after all.

      • docterry6973

        Damn that Soros time machine!

  • Geminisunmars

    That's a lot of chamois wow!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Secession, he said, would allow Alabama and other states to stop entitlement programs.

    Oh please, Belcher. Another of your fine municipalities couldn't even afford to upgrade all of its shitters. You wanna run your own little banana republic? Good luck with that.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Indeed, the sheer number of accounts where Alabama officials have dogged their constituents could fill a cesspool.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      These low-cunning softies couldn't survive a grape embargo, let alone anarchy.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Before he condemns the whole big government thing, Mr. Belcher might consider working for the FBI.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Dammit, now Memaw is out of a job.

    • Mojopo

      Ok, that's awesome.

    • emmelemm

      That's a good one!

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Editrix better hurry and put another post up, every time I read this comment again I can't stop giggling

    • BadKitty904

      Sharp. Very sharp.

    • Tundra Grifter

      I used to walk home from the San Francisco Financial District through North Beach.

      When I passed by the "Talk to a Naked Woman for a Dollar" emporium on Broadway I would inquire of the barker "How's Mom?"

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    A smart entrepreneur would have opened a second car wash just down the road from the topless one for when his customers finally realize there is still bird shit all over the hood of their car.

  • kittensdontlie

    His Americanism is above reproach. No one else but a true American would have a nudie car wash.

    • Naked_Bunny

      A true patriot wouldn't require his employees to wear thongs like a Muslin.

    • FeloniousMonk

      Ahem. And you have to pay extra to get the tops off. No socialist handouts here.

      • bobbert

        Twenty-five goddam pounds for a teeny Euro carwash and another fiver for teh boobies? You can prolly still get laid in Amsterdam for thirty quid. (Not by those girls, though).

  • poorgradstudent

    God, I just hope this starts that long-awaited chain reaction where the free-market libertarians and the theocrats tear each other apart. Unfortunately, if the last two decades have been any indication, the American Right is just dumb and crazy enough to handle the contradiction without ending up like NOMAD.

    • BadKitty904

      "Error? Error? Error? Examine."

      ~NOMAD

    • UnionSpies

      The strippers go to church and call themselves Christians down here, so don't even try to make sense of it all.

  • Naked_Bunny

    At least he isn't trying to pin the blame on Bill Clinton, because, c'mon.

    • Barrelhse

      Anyway, it's Nixon's fault.

  • tigernole

    "they’re choking America to death with rules and regulations…" and all i want to do is choke my chicken

  • fitley

    So the gov. during his biz shutdown was Bush's. Mmmm Hmmmm.

  • emmelemm

    Here in the great Northwest, we fight over nudie espresso stands. Regional differences, y'all!

  • NellCote71

    But he said he was arrested and charged with obscenity by city officials in 2001. Obama has been president for that long??? It seems only a week ago.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    This is good…but nearly as good as the dude who killed himself over Obama winning and also being responsible for his business failing.

    His Tanning.Salon.In.Key.West business.
    http://reason.com/24-7/2012/11/14/florida-man-com

    • decentcitizen

      Darwin claims another victim.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Darwin's waiting room is never empty.

    • Barrelhse

      Unfortunately for the Darwin Awards, this fella was already out of the gene pool BEFORE his demise.

    • Biff

      Oh for fuck's sake!

    • Negropolis

      Wait…there are Republicans in Key West?!

  • Naked_Bunny

    I’ve never taken a dime from the government.

    The Economist says otherwise.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Mr. Belcher? A Whitesnake video is not a good basis for a business plan.

    • HarryButtle

      Tawny Kitaen libel!

    • BadKitty904

      Well, in Alabama, maybe…

    • Tundra Grifter

      My favorite is the carwash scene in "Cool Hand Luke."

    • tessiee

      It's not even a good basis for a video.

  • RelicOven

    I'm not sure I see the appeal of a topless car wash…

  • snowpointsecret

    Well, Derrick, thanks for the Mammaries.

  • owhatever

    According to Article IV, Section C, paragraph 2 of the Illuminati Code, this guy was nailed in 2001, which not only was a hundred and four years ago, but the President responsible for this liberty taking was George the W Bush. Why do Republicans hate small business?

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    I read stories like this and the thought of tossing out satirical bon mots in the comments section just seems like coals to Newcastle.

  • LIT_Fag

    Should have kept a log of every car that came through. I'm sure there were probably some Local or state Republicans that he could have blackmailed to keep it open.

    • emmelemm

      That's the real American way, after all.

    • Barrelhse

      He had young boys there? Topless?

  • Schmegeg

    I support this guys business model.Some poors are not able to afford nekked car washes. I think the government should subsidize this

    • docterry6973

      It could be one of Obama's gifts to his voters.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Do these rubes need to spell secede to be successful?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "Ah hearbye succeed from the tha' Union!"

      "Well, when you consider how much federal money you get compared to taxes you pay; yes, you do succeed."

  • TootsStansbury

    I would like to meet this brilliant entrepreneur. And point at him and laugh.

  • cybermoe

    I'm opening up a carwash with shirtless FBI agents (Federal Bikini Inspectors) bitches!

  • Tundra Grifter

    I'll bet Grover Norquist has bigger boobs than some of the gals who worked that car wash.

    And this gentleman certainly sounds like a bigger dick…

  • coolhandnuke

    Their advertising catchphrase did raise a few eyebrows– "Euro Details your kind of car wash for wax on whacks off."

  • littlebigdaddy

    This is one winger cause I can, er, get behind!

  • decentcitizen

    I would be willing to look the other way on your nudie car wash if secession was a promise, not a threat.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Pimp says what?

  • TribecaMike

    Meanwhile, the Bar Eric Bana From Ever Playing An American Again petition got so many signatures it automatically became the 28th Amendment to the Constitution.

    • Negropolis

      Also, Gerard Butler. Too. Tambien.

  • awwalk56

    Pathetic home schooled hick is lacking a bit in the 'American History" area. He should sneak in and submit his petition to the town hall at lunch hour or when (can't risk being caught and burned at the stake) the Reich christers are rounding up vampires, werewolves, Gays and Lesbians. Pathetic hick.

  • Serolf_Divad

    I'm having one of those "holy crap, why didn't I think of that first" moments.*

    * And by "that" I am, of course, referring to starting a petition for Alabama to secede from the union.

    ** OK, I'm a goddamn dirty liar…. I was actually thinking about naked lady car washes.

  • rocktonsam

    do they detail the interior too?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Hell, they'll scrub your headers right down to the gasket. They also do heads.

  • rickmaci

    “If the Confederacy fails, there should be written on its tombstone: Died of a Theory". Jefferson Davis

    Belcher is proof the congenital stupidity never went away.

    • bobbert

      Is that a real quote? Because it suggests that it's morans all the way down.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Was he hoping President Romney would send him his binders full of women?

  • http://parterre.com La_Cieca

    9/11 really did change everything forever.

  • An_Outhouse

    we need to stand with the job creators.

  • christianmuslin

    Is it just me, or why do I think this class act failed to reach out to achieve racial and gender diversity? Oh yeah, it's Alabama. Never mind.

    • tessiee

      I have no idea about racial diversity, but "gender diversity" in the context of a topless car wash would be shirtless, mulleted rednecks washing cars — hardly a novelty in Alabama.

  • Barrelhse

    Somebody ought to choke old "Soup" to death (with lynch).

  • kingofmeh

    [calls euro details]
    "do you guys do motorboats?"
    "that costs extra."
    [tows motorboat on a trailer over to euro details]
    "okay, let me know when you're done with the boat."

    • tessiee

      I'll bet the topless car wash gets LOTS of calls asking about motorboating.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Topless? It's 'Bama, People. More like toothless.

  • drstrabismus

    That's Chunchula, not Chuncula. "Chunchula is an unincorporated community and census-designated place in Mobile County, Alabama. As of the 2010 census, its population was 210. It has a post office with the 36521 ZIP code. The community has one site listed on the Alabama Register of Landmarks and Heritage, the Chunchula School." Wikipedia

    A little wide spot in the road about 10 miles north of Mobile on Highway 45.

    • Mittaplasia

      They confused it with Count Chocula cereal which is considered health food in Alabama.

    • Barrelhse

      Wow. It's the home of Alabama's only school.

    • bobbert

      Wait. If it's unincorporated, how does it have a municipal gummit that can shut down the nudie carwash?

  • JustPixelz

    The secessionists have inspired me. I've created my own petition on "We The People" at whitehouse.gov. My petition is to repeal the 22nd amendment (two term limit for president) so Barack Obama can be elected to a third term. Maybe it will pass! Or maybe it will just piss off the wing nuts.
    https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/twenty-

    • FeloniousMonk

      Either would be worthwhile. As a non-citizen, I don't think I should vote for it, but you have my moral* support. I gather it was only introduced out of petty spite, but there was enough of that to pass it. My best, but very conservative, friend still refers to FDR as "Franklin the Rat".

      *Eh, maybe not an applicable adjective, but whatever.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Belcher…rhymes with felcher.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Talk to the Moral Majority, Derrick.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Tangled sin tax

    2001? That Near Muslim Commie Socialist Nazi has a Tardis?

  • ttommyunger

    Problem is, when the 'Bama Skanks got through with the inside, it smelled like dirty socks and burnt bacon for a week.

    • tessiee

      and wite casuls.

      • ttommyunger

        We have an abundance of Waffle Houses and Mickey D's. WC notsomuch.

      • MosesInvests

        Krystals, please.

    • Barrelhse

      And those cakes we like.

      • ttommyunger

        And how!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  • ibwilliamsi

    Who was President in 2001? Didn't something else happen that year, too?

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Workin' at the car wash, yeah.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v8I5egzoMo

    [Because someone had to.]

  • PhilippePetain

    I was going to say that only in Alabama do you find "That ol' tituh bar out on Falls Mill roaduh" but fuck no you don't! They're everywhere from buttfuck Arizona to Bozeman and back.

  • tessiee

    Alabama’s secession petition Derrick Belcher, 45, of “Chuncula”?

    He's a fat vampire?

  • tessiee

    It's in Alabama, and doesn't have the word "nekkid" in the name?
    He deserves to go out of business bidness.

  • tessiee

    “It’s economics -– just that simple,” he said. “I’m working poor. And I work -– I’ve never taken a dime from the government. I’ll starve before I take a handout."

    He's not "working poor" because
    A) He doesn't work. The ladies do the actual work of washing the cars. All he does is collect the money they make.
    B) Anybody who can't make money running a titty car wash *deserves* to starve to death.

  • tessiee

    David Lee Roth is looking mighty fetching these days.

  • mosjef

    Euro Details. A clean car for a dirty mind.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This man should be in an institution, and probably would be if Reagan hadn't shut them all down. It's pretty clear that this man is clinically insane and that this should not be a news article, as it simply takes advantage of this man's clear departure from reality. But I guess you could say the same thing about most of Fox's viewing audience.

    • bobbert

      (Strictly speaking, Reagan only shut down the institutions in California.)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dude, it was successful during the Clinton era and shut down after Bush took over. I'm guessing you were shut down back in late '01 by the newly-formed T.&S.A.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    My fave petition so far is the one that would give us all one, and only one, free punch to Grover's junk.

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

    Alabama state motto: "Thank God for Mississippi."

    But in Latin.

    • Negropolis

      The only kind of Latin they speak in 'Bama is Pig Latin.

      Ollra Ideta!

  • bflrtsplk

    A name like Belcher has to belong to a beer drinker.

  • Biff

    Wait–don't they spell it warsh?

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    2001??

  • Negropolis

    Only slightly related, but some stooge started up a petition to calling for returning Toledo to Michigan. I say Ohio can keep it. We've already got Detroit, Flint, and Saginaw, thank you very much.

  • Negropolis

    Truly, this is the highest form of tyranny. What kind of land is it where a man can not legally enjoy sopping wet tities pressed up against his windshield whilst getting his car washed? Not any land where I want to live. Give me topless carwashes or give me death!

    • bobbert

      I'm with you up to the give me topless carwashes part, but I think I diverge at the "or death" part.

  • livefrombagram

    Oh god. This is my neck of the woods. And he can't even spell Chunchula right.

  • Negropolis

    Let me guess, this god-fearing, red-blooded Southerner probably hates the wimmenz, queerosexauls, the liberals, and The Blacks, though, right?

    • FeloniousMonk

      No, no. He loves them, he just hates their feminizin, fudge-packin, lieberalizin, melanizin ways. But you can't string up the sin, so the sinner's going to have to do.

    • bobbert

      You know, truly, the guy is just a jackass. It's hard to know who he might hate. Although, given the timing of this petition, "The Blacks" is probably a pretty good guess.

  • decentcitizen

    I think a man that can persuade women in Mobile to get naked and wash cars (for tips) has a political future in front of him. Derrick 2016!

  • livefrombagram

    I'm pretty disappointed in the comments on this. Don't y'all jerks know that the reason the Wonkettes is funny, here and in most places, is because the joke is not LOLOL SOUTHERNERS but LOLOL IDIOTS? It's fairly apparent that the stupid is even spread across our great nation. TRY HARDER NEXT TIME.

  • sati_demise

    He should have had the Cirque d Solei design them some leotards.
    They can be painted very realistically with airbrushes.

    See? You gotta think outside the box to beat the government!

  • Negropolis

    Totally OT, but did anyone hear the reports that Paula Poundwell, errr, Broadwell was mulling a run for one of North Carolina's Senate seats as a Republican?

    Of course she was, bless her heart. This thing just keeps getting better and better. Telemundo don't have shit on this. Real Life FTW.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Chunchula sound kinda foreigny!

  • DahBoner

    Derrick Belcher is my breast friend.

    • corthylio

      Your bosom buddy?

  • shylocxs

    One of the many reasons I loved Mobile, AL so much… topless car washing.

  • Dr. Matt

    Um, he wants nothing from the government yet he drives a truck……on what? Does he only take private roads in Alabama?

  • GoodDogThor

    So now he wants Alabama to secede, because somehow the resulting Christo-fungelical dictatorship of DumbFuckistan would be OK with topless anything…

  • T3rbo

    “I don’t want to live in Russia. I don’t believe in socialism,” said Belcher, an operations manager for a Mobile trucking company [who is not sure if the Soviet Union was a communist state or what].

    He's going to present his petition to the Governor, even though the top two lines of signatures are from people who live in:

    Anonymous
    and
    States other than Alabama

    Make sure you say Ron Paul when you are presenting said petition, and dress like a 18th century PATRIOT

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    So is this why Pablo Escobar started his petition for Colombian secession from the US of A?

  • Kate_fate

    EXCELLENT call, Wonkette! Let's hear it for States' rights.