Father Guido Sarducci, we're pretty sure (and friends)We all know that the holy rite of communion is not available to divorced Catholics, remarried Catholics, and nuns who are hospital administrators and allow women whose lives are in immediate danger from their pregnancies to get abortions. (And may get excommunicated, depending.) (Oh and it’s still available to priests who rape their charges, because that is a sin that God can forgive, but the other ones are not or something.) But did you know that if you are for gay marriage, you may lose the ability to join God, Jesus, and the Church at all? It is a little thing we like to call “the Inquisition,” and we are guessing you did not expect it!

Shana Cihak said her 17-year-old son, Lennon, wasn’t allowed to be confirmed at Assumption Church in Barnesville last month after posting a Facebook picture of himself with a political sign he altered to oppose the marriage amendment on Minnesota’s ballot. Voters on Nov. 6 rejected the constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

Assumption Rev. Gary LaMoine told The Associated Press Thursday that the teen was not denied confirmation but declined to explain, calling it an “internal and pastoral” matter.

“Some people chose to run out into the public and put it out in the media,” LaMoine told the AP, adding that he was consulting with the Catholic Diocese of Crookston about the issue.

If we had to decide who was lying in this situation, we would have to go with the mom, who is obviously not a priest. She says

she was called into a private conversation with the priest after the Facebook photo was posted and was told her son wouldn’t be allowed to complete confirmation. Lennon has gone to church every week and volunteered around the community in preparation for his confirmation this year, Shana Cihak said.

Also, no one in the family is allowed to receive Communion. When will Barack Obama take a break from imposing Sharia law, and impose Catholic thought-law instead? Anything less than mandating that all people abide by the Church’s rules would be an attack on the Church’s Religious Freedom.


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  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Well, I didn't expect a sort of Spanish Inquisition!

    • NObody expects the SPANISH INQUISITION!

      • Preferred Customer

        Their primary weapon is surprise. And a peevish sense of entitlement. Their TWO primary weapons are surprise and a peevish sense of entitlement. And the possession of overt political power that allows them to get laws passed requiring people to give a shit about what they say. Their THREE primary weapons…

        • Cardinal Fang! The First Class Seat!

    • Their chief weapon is surprise! Surprise, and homophobia. Surprise, homophobia, and a faNATical devotion to the Pope. Oh, and kiddie-diddling. Wait, let me come back in and try that again,

    • Shellwith2Ls

      I did.

      I'll have to rent some Monty Python this weekend.

    • *Throws Dr Zoiberg in the Obvious Bag*

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Rev. Gary LaMoine probably was afraid that Lennon Cihak was about to "out" him.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Any clinical psychologist worth his or her salt would be making note of LaMoine's use of "out" twice in one sentence.

      • Esteev

        "Just let me ouuuuuuut!"

        • OneDollarJuana

          "Internal" and "pastoral". I think we know how those words are linked to a priest and a Catholic boy.

    • Nowisallthereis

      Said to the congregation as a whole "Rev, are you refusing to confirm me because I refused to swallow?"

  • snowpointsecret

    Not only did Jesus turn the other cheek, but he banned people that he disagreed with from eating the flesh off his cheek too, right?

    • widestanceromance

      How about doing lines of frankincense off his cheek? Is that extra?

      • sewollef

        No, but you do get three hail marys for your trouble.

        Not more than three, and not less than three, but three.

        Three marys it shall be, and none other than marys, three in number it will be.

        • jqheywood

          Five is right out.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      You're a regular anthro-potha-guy then?

  • Come here a minute

    If they allow teenagers to support gay marriage, where will they get their stock of guilt-ridden closeted young men for the priesthood?

    • sati_demise

      Where indeed? They might try the GOP youth groups, if there is such a thing.

      • copiki

        "GOP youth groups" is what they call their escorts in the after party orgy.

      • teebob2000

        The brownshirts

      • shelwood46

        Kamau Bell did a thing where he spent election night with "GOP youth group" in NYC. The youngest member appeared to be around 50.

  • Crank_Tango

    It's all part of their membership drive?

    • The membership is a rite reserved for the alter boyz.

    • MOG2410

      Yeah, and the t-shirt is really cool.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Don't ever change, C-asshole-ic Church!

  • Lizzietish81

    The Episcopal Church loves it when the Catholics do this.

    The Episcopal Church, like the Catholic Church but not run by assholes.

    • Doktor Zoom

      "All the sin, but just half the guilt" as a friend always said.

      • Oblios_Cap

        The correct term is "Catholic Light".

        • Yes — 50% less hypocrisy.

        • HRH_Maddie

          Eh, I prefer "Catholic Zero"

    • Wile E. Quixote

      A Catholic friend of mine from high school referred to Lutherans and Episcopalians as "Catholic Junior Varsity".

      • Respitetini

        Twice the liturgy, double the ecumenicism, half the misogyny and homophobia. And with much better music. And non-closeted clergy. What's not to love?

        • CindynEncinitas

          Personally, I enjoy the pageantry and all of the gold and stained glass. You can keep the rest of it.

    • When I was nine or ten, I went to a friend's church that was Episcopalian and I was stunned that I was allowed to march right up to the altar with all the other people and take communion and drink a bit o' Jesus blood without all the hoops. No confirmation bullshit, no classes. And they had coffee, too! That was prolly the best/last time I ever went to church.

      • SorosBot

        That seemed so strange to me to; as a non-Catholic at Catholic school, they made it very clear that we heathens were not allowed to eat the ritually sacrificed human flesh that happened to look and taste like a cracker.

        • Yes, because hoops! Ridiculous rituals and dogma that don't mean a goddamned thing, but probably just made you feel like an outsider. Just like a Church of God should do.

        • shelwood46

          Grew up in a super Catholic town, raised by an atheist. When I would sleep over at a friend's house and go to mass the next morning, and later at Catholic boarding school, I just waltzed on up and took communion. I have to imagine they all thought I did First Communion elsewhere. Of course, if any of their stuff means anything, seeing as how I've never even been baptized, I am destined to burn in eternal hellfire. Kind of looking forward to it.

      • When I was in college, I once made out with a girl in a Catholic Church. That was the best/last time I went to church.

    • Fare la Volpe

      You sure? Because I distinctly remember half your church up and quitting when they confirmed their first openly gay bishop.

      An asshole by any other name is still an asshole.

      • Yeah, you get the point there – the assholes QUIT (some to become Catholic) and the gay bishops are still there.

        My fiancée is studying to be an Anglican/Episcopalian priest, and the gay thing is still a bit of an issue, but with an increasingly small minority.

        • Negropolis

          Yeah, you get the point there – the assholes QUIT


      • true but we're not assholes wearing prada shoes

        (and not wiping up generations of pedophilia)

    • mayor_quimby

      Last Xmas my folks dragged me to their old episcopal church, and lo and behold the new priest is a lady! And not just a lady, but an unabashed super butch lesbo, and everybody is just like 'whatevs, she makes a good casserole and I like her sermons'

      • horsedreamer_1


  • PugglesRule

    Interesting how the only people against imposing sharia law are the ones trying to impose it.

    And here's a big downfist (and perhaps up the rectum fist, with votes!) to that idiot priest. Just reason 47015 why I ran away from the Catholic Church 30 years ago.

  • T3rbo

    You are actually wrong on a technicality. A beautiful story-my mom was very happy when her ex husband died, because after 30 years, she (and my dad!) could finally be married in the church and take holy communion. Awww
    And I think it's fine that people can't receive the sacraments because of beliefs-it only means that they can't ever go to heaven after they die, which is what Jesus wants. My god is an angry, vengeful homophobe, and HE CAN READ YOUR FUCKING MIND and play goalie in heaven

    • Lizzietish81

      My grandmother was denied a Catholic funeral because she hadn't paid the tithe.

      • T3rbo

        The Catholic Church is living proof that hell is real-they make it fresh daily.
        I have a friend that is getting married in the church soon, and I have no idea why. All I can come up with is anecdotal proof that he has no critical thinking skills at all and is afraid of ghosts.

        • the_deliverator

          i did it for purely financial reasons. my dad paid for everything if i got married in the church. BUT, we also…coerced the church into giving me the time I wanted and i brought in my own priest – because the firm my dad worked for was doing pro bono for them. SO IT WAS AN EPIC WIN against actual belief in the church.

        • Lizzietish81

          There are progressive Catholic Churches in the US. I remember several in Boston told the Cardinal to get bent when he told them to not perform same sex marriages.

          • T3rbo

            Yeah, but it's all about re arranging the deck chairs at a progressive catholic church in boston. Sure, you can get gay married, right after we molest your children

      • My dad told me that when he was a kid, they would post in the church vestibule how much each family had donated.

        • I can remember visiting a cat-licker church with a friend and them putting up everyone's tithing to date on an overhead projector. Stay classy, cat-lickers!

          • UnPlainJane

            Is this a lesbian joke?

          • LibertyLover

            God doesn't keep track, but the church still does.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "The lord will kill you if you don't sit down."

      • MOG2410

        Wait, I grew up Presbyr and heard that all the time!

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Maybe it's one of those things that crosses all Reformation-derived lines, like the cross.

    • Steverino247

      God's favorite sport was hockey in the winter?

  • snowpointsecret

    I wonder what Garrison Keillor thinks about this.

    • vulpes82

      It made him compose a folksy poem…

    • Doktor Zoom

      He thinks all the children are above avarice.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        That… "made my Norwegian bachelor farmers, so you know it's pure, mostly" always creeps me out.

    • Father Mike at Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility was spending a lot of time online last week. Catechism classes had gotten a bit unruly, and he wanted to see if Facebook could shed any light on some of the snickering the Tollerud boys were doing when he read aloud about the sacrament of marriage.

  • carlgt1

    I'm amazed they ever allowed a kid named after known hippie-atheist "Lennon" in the church! Or maybe even commie "Lenin"!

  • BadPuppy

    Reason #67 I'm not a Catholic anymore.

    • and another recovering one here

      • FNMA

        It's a big club.

        • jqheywood


    • T3rbo

      I didn't need any reasons at the time to quit cold turkey, they all came after the fact. We had a child molester priest at my school-I remember him teaching us about Jesus in the second grade. He told me not to help the dumb kid figure out words when we were reading out loud. Turns out, pedophile.

    • Esteev

      With the holidays coming, it's never fun telling mother I'm not attending her cult gathering…

    • Shellwith2Ls

      Yep, same here.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I am still waiting (53 yrs and counting) to see any reason at all to join any church.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Don't look to hard. A reason to join is about as true as loser Romney's reasons for losing to Bamz.

        I just tell people that I gave up religion for Lent. They look a bit strange and then leave me alone., as they think that "atheism" is a communicable disease.

      • Quakers and Unitiarians are (mostly) okay in my book, give or take a Nixon.

    • pdiddycornchips

      I was raised Catholic, was an alter boy, in fact when I was young our parish priest suggested to my parents that I had "the calling". It wasn't until I got to college that I realized the Catholic Church is nothing more than a criminal syndicate. The leaders should be brought to before the International Criminal Court for crimes against Humanity. Assholes.

  • Ruhe

    I was raised a Catholic but can't ever remember actually believing, so I'm just guessing here, but isn't this the sort of thing that could pop the bubble for an independent minded kid?

    • T3rbo

      One would hope so

  • Pragmatist2

    This story is better in Latin.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Or in the original German.

    • Negropolis


    • comrad_darkness

      Ipso Factum Ridiculousum

      Am I close?

  • barto

    "Assumption", how appropriate. Assholes, more like.

  • el_donaldo

    I did actually expect this. Sad to say.

  • SorosBot

    Keep up the good work, Catholic Church, pushing away the few decent people still bound enough by tradition and upbringing to continue membership in your club and sliding further and further into being an irrelevant relic of the past.

    • The Catholic Church: doing the work of Dawkins and Hitchens way the fuck more effectively than either of them ever did.

  • SmutBoffin

    I hope that kid becomes and atheist and grows up to lead a happy an productive life without medieval institutions telling him what to do all the time.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I hate to be a dick or anything, but why would someone who is in favor of gay marriage want to be a member of the Catholic church anyway? For once I would be interested in people following religions that they actually FOLLOW. That's why I am nothing, I suppose.

    • Lizzietish81

      Many Catholics in the US actually do disagree with the official politics of the Church itself (for example, birth control)

      I myself was raised by hippie Methodists, but in a strongly Catholic town. There's a similar sense of community to the Jews (ie you are born a Catholic and the Church is very important) Most people I think just dismiss this dissonance as not important to their over all faith, others try to reform the church but remain Catholic, others leave.

      • T3rbo

        I think it's something you can measure by levels of exposure: most Catholics I know who went to Catholic school are were not very Catholic at all after a while. I had to go to church six days a week and went to Catholic school for twelve years. I knew kids who would take communiion, spit it into the urinal, and piss on it. In grade school, we used to steal the unconsecrated host and eat it with peanut butter in our free time. In high school, everyone who was a cool kid would try to sing falsetto during mass…

        • BaldarTFlagass

          So, in other words, you guys are catching the Acela Express straight to hell.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            Is that the route that runs on time?

          • T3rbo

            No no, the hosts we ate were not consecrated. It was a job perk for altar boys, no big deal. I never did the urinal trick, that seemed over the top: me and JC weren't that tight, more like co workers. He was cool, we went to the same parties, but I never really met him or really had a grudge.

    • Boojum

      Because he was…he….fuck, I got nothing.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I get it. I went through conformation not because I had any strong belief but because of a feeling of familial obligation. But then I was 13 or so and still in that mode of just doing what my parents told me to do. By the age of 17 I might have made a different decision.

    • Believe me, I've asked myself the same question…My uncle, who is gay tried to commit suicide a while back because my Catholic grandparents decided to disown him. He is doing much better now (has a husband and lives a happier, more supported life than many of the people in our extended family), and he still maintains his Catholic beliefs that were important to him in his upbringing.
      Personally, I loathe Catholicism–I'm a huge critic. But if my uncle feels the need to have it in his life and it makes him happier, then so be it. He's a great guy and I'd like him to stick around for awhile.

      • MOG2410

        I'd say God bless him, but not sure what would happen. Glad to hear his life has improved.

        • I think god has blessed him already. (weird for an atheist to write that, but you know what I mean).

    • hagajim

      The same could be asked as to why there are any gay Republicans. Shit happens though.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Or women or black people or whatever, and hey, I can dig it, there are things about being a Catholic that make people feel good, and some of the teachings are never bad things to follow – like being nice to poor people and doing stuff to help, but MAN these organizations do a lot of harm to a lot of folks. It would be better if there was just a "nice people who just want to feel good about being in a group and minding their parents" religion I suppose.

        • hagajim

          Well they've about lost the women (at least single ones) and black people except for the odd Herman Cain or Allen West. But I'm with you – organized religion (look at Israel right now for example) is nothing more than a money-making sham that makes people feel good. If people were just nice there would be no need.

  • I call bullshit. There are NO CATHOLICS in Minnesota

    • Esteev

      They were simply left behind! BADA BOOM!

    • lazlo_toth

      Catholics are the largest religious group in the state.

    • LibertyLover

      Sure there are. They just freeze the cats in the ice in the winter and then they lic them in the summer for heat relief.

    • emmelemm

      I thought they were called "Lutherans" when they're in Minnesota.

    • Negropolis

      Minnesota has a shit-load of Catholics. Hell, Catholics make up a plurality in nearly every county in the Upper Midwest.

  • Perhaps Lennon will come to understand that he is part of the solution and his goddamned church is the problem.

  • Hey, here's an idea… how about excommunicating pedophiles? HAHA! JK!

    • SmutBoffin


      Srsly tho, pedophiles are some bad shit and somebody in the Chuch should fuckin' own up.

      • Well, the infallible pope was the head of the part of the church that has the most information on these "scandals" (it's, perhaps unexpectedly, the same part of the church that was once known as "The Inquisition") So he knows exactly everything about these problems and chooses not to act… but he's an infallible ex-Nazi, so don't worry about it.

        • jqheywood

          As Charlie Pierce always calls the hierarchy of the church: "the international conspiracy to obstruct justice."

    • HRH_Maddie

      Why, it's not like any of those priests were trying to marry those little boys.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Oh jeez. Someone should send a police officer from up Brainerd to investigate this malfeasance.

    • sullivanst

      So where can I find some action? I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        The heck do ya mean?

        • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

          The heckya mean?

  • UW8316154

    If only the kid was half his age, the priest probably could have had a private conference with him – you know, spend alone-time confessing and whatnot – and everything would have been worked out just fine in the end.

    • DCBloom

      "In the end" …. I see what you did there

  • Assumption Rev. Gary LaMoine […] declined to explain, calling it an “internal and pastoral” matter.

    “Some people chose to run out into the public and put it out in the media,”

    I can think of LITERALLY NO other stories involving the Catholic church were these two lines could easily fit in. LITERALLY NONE.

  • My God, my god, why have Your followers forsaken Thee in deed every word they invoke in Your name, in Your House of worship?

    Something, something would be better off if a millstone were tied around his neck, something, also too ~

    • A LAY person, reading the BIBLE? Who do you think you are, Martin Luther?

      And a WOMAN??!!!

      • SorosBot

        Next they'll be suggesting the priests use a language the congregation can actually understand, instead of Jesus' Language* of Latin!

        *Jesus' actual language, assuming he existed, would have been Aramaic.

        • He also presumably would have needed to be bilingual, as either he knew Greek, or the Gospels contain a blatant anachronism (hahahahahahahaha)

          • SorosBot

            Well pretty much all the educated, upper-class people of the eastern Roman Empire at the time spoke Greek, the lingua franca of that time and place, so Jesus – was a poor carpenter.

          • Well, maybe he learned Greek spontaneously, Matrix-style, when he uploaded the Name of God program and became Keanu Reeves.

            (Warning: the above link contains graphic descriptions of airborne kung-fu watersports, by way of medieval anti-christian polemics, which are still way more awesome than anything in the actual New Testiment.)

    • And the Church aims to be that millstone.

  • Imagine what hell little Lennon will catch when he posts a picture of him holding up a sign advocating that churches with explicit political leanings should pay taxes.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Well, Shana, there's this new religion called Mormonism that is just like this but without the crackers and grape juice. They still have plenty of crackers, but they are usually named Tagg or Mitt or Fartyboy.

  • Boojum

    I suggest we deny the Catholic Church the benefits of our pluralistic society.

    • widestanceromance

      You mean no more children's rectums to plunder? HERETIC!

  • Nostrildamus

    Lennon was getting too old for the priesthood, anyway.

  • Your move God. I'd suggest going with the 5-mile wide asteroid, into a cross breeze.

  • CapeClod

    Hey, Catholic Chruch. Do you know why we don't worship a pantheon of Gods anymore? Because something better and more modern thinking came along. Take a hint.

    • snowpointsecret

      "My name is Kratos and I approve this message."

    • FNMA

      This is good news for the Flying Spaghetti Monster! Stripper factories and beer volcanoes for everybody!

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog


      • Esteev

        We must reverse the decline in pirates! Think of the children!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Don't be such a fag, Reverend LaMoine.

  • And maybe he shouldn't have chosen Judas as his Confirmation name.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Why is the reverend following this kid on Facebook? Seems a bit creepy. I hope the kid unfriends him.

  • OneYieldRegular

    If I were a parent, I'd have serious reservations about letting my child anywhere near a Catholic church, particularly one led by a priest whose name is a feminine noun that translates as "The Monk."

    • SubhumanVarmint

      I just became a parent at the beginning of this year, and there is no way in Hades that my kid is going anywhere near a church, Catholic or otherwise. The church's leadership disgusts me.

  • he was consulting with the Catholic Diocese of Crookston about the issue.

    Whoops, no time to answer that, we’re too busy claiming that any time religion isn't being coddled and fawned over, we're being actively persecuted.

  • cousinitt

    And thank you for tuning into another episode of EWTN's original tragedy, "Lost at See."

  • MacRaith

    You know, it's really depressing to realize that the church that taught me how to have an informed conscience has totally lost its own conscience.

    I mean every word literally when I say: Damn it all to hell.

  • docterry6973

    Way to remain relevant, Catholic church. Enjoy the empty pews.

  • Antispandex

    These people are lazy. Why not just punish people for sins that they haven't even contemplated, but that you know that they would if they ever got the idea into their head? You see the good thing about that is you wouldn't need priests for confessions anymore, and since we're running low on priests (the celibacy thing, and, you know, jail) well…everybody avoids alot of needless worry. You sinned, because we believed you will want to someday. Problem solved!

  • The church should modernize and just send out Confirmation emails.

  • HRH_Maddie

    Even Jesus wouldn't have been able to turn the other cheek to these assholes.

    • Esteev

      I wonder if… never mind. I won't make that joke. Just in case.

      • jqheywood

        Too thought it. Busted!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    A lot of European countries impose a church tax so that it's citizens are supporting the church whether or not they actually go. My parents lived in a mainly catholic country in the seventies and my mom had to go down to some government office and tell them she was not catholic. Since her church had no presence in the country she was not obligated to pay the tax. This evil institution will not cease to exist while governments are supporting it via direct tax collection.

  • FiscalClifford

    I understand the No Communion thing. I mean, that family's obviously got The Gay, to some degree. You don't want that spreading into your congregation through the Common Cup.

  • sati_demise

    God works in mysterious ways. This boy & his mother dodged a bullet!

  • Just to make sure I get this straight, if I have no problem with the Catholic Church being homophobic, but I think others should be allowed not to be homophobic, I can't be Catholic.

    I assume if I'm against priest molesting kids, I also can't be Catholic?

    • T3rbo

      Silly, you don't get to go to heaven anyway unless you are catholic. All this worry for nothing!

  • proudgrampa

    Not Catholic. Don't care.

    • cousinitt

      Just don't be preggers in Ireland–they don't give a shit about whether you are Catholic or Protestant or Klingon.

      In Catholic Ireland, fetus kill you.

  • mavenmaven

    He can have a bar-mitzvah instead at the local Temple, more food and dancing and plenty of liberal folks.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Yeah, but he might have to have a little "cutting" experience first.

  • poorgradstudent

    in my experience, whenever I read about the Catholic Church's antics, there's always some nasty twist at the end of the article. So it was with this article, where the Church wasn't just satisfied with singling out this one teenager for having one opinion they didn't like, but they had to go try to punish his entire family too.

    • LibertyLover

      Well, sure because obviously the family isn't bringing that child up with the proper amount of hate and loathing for teh ghey.

  • Estproph

    The Monty Python theme is actually pretty appropriate, since I would like to see the anti-abortion Catholic zealots stomped on by a giant foot from the sky.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Or crushed by a 16-tonne weight.

      • jqheywood

        But what if they are attacked with a bowl of strawberries?

  • cc423

    I give the Catholic Church 25-more years and then it will evaporate. I know there are crazy Catholics who will cling to this abusive church their whole lives, but you cannot continue to treat people like this and expect others to join your church.

    • Esteev

      Wait, I thought they were trying to thin the ranks. Wow. Now this story is just stupid.

    • LibertyLover

      That's why they make you sign a pledge to bring your children up a a Catholic and are against contraception… more babies.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Having been raised with no religion at all, I sometimes get confused. Are Catholics the ones also known as "bead-jiggling mackerel-snappers?" Or did the fish part go away after Vatican II?

    • Shellwith2Ls

      Umm, I'm Vatican II only so I don't know what any of that means. We're the ones with the incense and rapey priests though, if that helps.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Maybe they got rid of the rosaries because they were too similar to Muslim prayer beads.

    • SorosBot

      The fish part is now only on Fridays during Lent, rather than every Friday as before V-II. But they still do juggle the Rosary beads like motherfuckers.

  • smellypossum

    The people who love jeebus sure are a judgemental bunch (which I thought was a no-no according to the bibble, or something).

    Also, too: Comfy chair!

  • Wait, you can be excommunicated for thinking that non-catholics should probably not be bound to follow Catholic religious doctrine, as a matter of civil law?

    Wow, Joe Biden and Stephen Colbert are fucked.

    Also too Santorum and Ryan, since last time I checked, death penalty, charity, torture, etc.

    • HistoriCat

      death penalty, charity, torture

      Well, the church has views on those but they're not going to get all hysterical about them – I mean, there's no sex involved there at all.

      • I was going to mention Abu Ghirab, but then I remembered that Church policy on sex crime is also well-established.

  • upthruster

    Hey lady with the kid! Yes, you….If you really, really , really want to enact communion, just eat a Ritz cracker in your kitchen with a sip of grape juice and pretend. That's all that's happening in your church communion–PRETENDING to eat the body of Jesus, so what's the difference if you do it at home? Besides, your safe from the pedophiles then.

    • T3rbo

      She doesn't know the magic words, dummy

      • upthruster

        Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot she has to say "Please Lord, don't let your employees rape my children."

    • shelwood46

      If she really wants to replicate the church experience at home, might I suggest a trimmed tortilla and the cheapest, crappiest wine she can find? Then she and her family can put some money in a basket, throw the basket in the street, then go back inside and stand up, sit down and kneel over and over and over again.

    • Negropolis

      Transubstantiation libel!

    • EmileZoloft

      No mere grape juice can substitute for the liquid that has undergone the true miracle, which is to say fermentation. He is risen, and he is like 12% alcohol, and it was good. Or at least okay.

  • Esteev

    When a woman shoots down my advances, you don't see me talking to the newspeople. Rev. Gary LaMoine is such a drama queen.

  • Lot_49

    My brother married a Catholic woman many years ago. One of her sisters married a divorced guy, so her family cut her off, wouldn't talk to her, what hooer, etc.

    Then the divorced guy's first wife died, and the family welcomed both her and him back, now that their marriage was legitimate. Even more amazingly, the divorced guy and his wife said, "Great, thanks, happy to be here, your hypocrisy doesn't bother us at all."

    This is one of the Holy Mysteries associated with Jebus.

  • HarryButtle

    Can't beleive I'm first with this but…

    Lennon was quoted as saying, "Imagine there's no heaven…"

    • jqheywood


    • LibertyLover

      Well, I've never been to heaven…
      But I've been to Oklahoma….

      3 Dog Night.

  • Aridzona

    Parishioners raised a collective eyebrow when the priest who was to dispense the communion wafers snapped on a pair of latex gloves.

  • sundaytrucker

    You're kidding me??? Where were the gays and their precious marriage when I was being dragged down the aisle for my confirmation? Thanks for all being in the closet back then jerk-offs.

    • docterry6973

      Do gays jerk off? Because I thought it was a nonstop gay buffet. I am asking for a friend.

  • James Michael Curley

    Go Baptist.
    Better refreshments during the service.

    • LibertyLover

      Naw…. Too much fire and brimstone and damnation… At least in the southern version.

      • James Michael Curley

        But lots of hot soul singers in the choir … making that damnation worthwhile.

        • LibertyLover

          True story… I have attended predominantly white Southern Baptist Church services and also predominantly black Southern Baptist Church services and while I was damned to hell in the white church, I never had so much fun in the black church. "Testify!"

          As a person that was raised and confirmed in the Catholic church, it was certainly an eye-opener…

          • James Michael Curley

            Bill Moyers would be pleased.

    • Negropolis

      The only thing worse than conservative Catholics are Southern Baptists. Nothing is more evil than that convention.

  • elviouslyqueer

    True story. A hundred years ago when I was living in 1,000% Cat-lick South Louisiana, my very Catholic and very conservative best friend told me that conventional Catholic wisdom was that you could sin the living shit out of yourself 6 1/2 days per week, go to Mass on Sunday to confess away your sins and be granted absolution, and still be out in time to go get properly shit-faced at any number of bars and restaurants around town.

    Oh, and he could suck dick like a pro, this one could. Because of mitre-wearing Jeebus is why, I'm sure.

    • What if you sin DURING Mass, though?

      I'm… I'm asking for a friend of mine.

      • LibertyLover

        I used to press on my eyeballs really hard during mass until all of the circulation was cutoff and all the pixels were brown. Helped me make it through a lot of sermons.

    • LibertyLover

      I'm sure he learned a lot spending so much time on his knees at Mass.

    • docterry6973

      But if you should happen to die on Saturday night you are in a world of hurt. Well, not 'world' exactly…

    • EmileZoloft

      Well obviously, if you don't sin then JESUS DIED FOR NOTHING and you wouldn't want to make that happen, would you

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Assume Reverend pigfucker.

    • sullivanst

      I was gonna go with boyfucker, because, y'know, Catholic.

      • Blueb4sinrise

        'pigfucker' is one of my reflexive 'go to' swears.

  • mbobier

    Well, hey, guys, everyone knows the scripture passage that goes "Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved — you and your household" has been inaccurately translated. The text actually reads, "Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and vigorously condemn homosexuality every chance you get and you will be saved — and then you and your family might be allowed to take Communion, too."

    These folks need a waaaaay better church to attend.

    • SorosBot

      Now, it also says "and fight to insure that people with vaginas are never afforded equal rights to those with penises".

  • PhilippePetain

    Huh, I guess if the religion that I was a part of was for everything i was against and wouldn't let me be a part of their club for being me, maybe I would, I don't know, tell them to fuck off and not be a part of that religion anymore.

    Call me crazy.

  • GeneralLerong

    Now that the Catholic church has gone Republican, isn't it time to start taxing their property?

    • docterry6973

      If it is good enough for Italy it is good enough for the US of A.

  • qwerty42

    Well, the worst thing is they will be deprived if the Beatific Vision. So there! Actually I saw something like this a long time ago, but it was in some snarky mag, so …

  • pigdog2

    Excellent related news here:
    "As with Latinos and Asian-Americans, the number of voters who identify as gay appears to be growing. Only 1.9 percent of Americans over 65 identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual, according to the Gallup survey, while 3.2 percent of those between 30 and 49 and 6.4 percent of those between 18 and 29 do."

    In other words by 2982 or so there will be no more straight people. And that's just with linear growth, mind you. If the ghey is exponential it could be a lot sooner.

  • larrykat

    I still cannot believe there are all these layers of bureaucracy, like parishes and dioceses and serfdoms or whatever else, levels of inquiry in actual buildings, staffed with probably millions of real people in total – all to service and confer in serious tones about a FUCKING FAIRY TALE!

    • proudgrampa

      Who can explain it???

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Remind me again why people keep being Catholic?

  • ElPinche

    The COMFY CHAIR!!!!!!!!

  • veence69

    The marginalization of these archaic fuckers continues by the day..

  • Blunderthing

    Oh good lord, are we excommunicating teenagers now? Sign me up!

  • LibertyLover

    Cat -a -holics? Is there a 12 step program for that?

  • owhatever

    No irony here: You get reprimanded about liking gays by a man in a dress who works for a corporation that embraces in sodomy with children. Go figure.

  • Terry

    "We all know that the holy rite of communion is not available to divorced Catholics, remarried Catholics, and nuns who are hospital administrators and allow women whose lives are in immediate danger from their pregnancies to get abortions."

    Eh, go see the Jesuits. They will talk your ear off, academically analyzing the situation, but don't ban people from Communion often.

  • LibrarianX

    Priests are on Facebook? Is this to meet Altar Boys?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    told her son wouldn’t be allowed to complete confirmation be raped by priests.


  • miss_grundy

    Just another reason to step to the left and become an Episcopalian.

  • docterry6973

    Let's see if I can remember it.

    "This excommunication is a word
    From folks ecclesiastical often heard;
    A dictum permitting Satan to enslave men
    Forever and forbidding Christ to save them.

    -Ambrose Bierce or Burma Shave, I forget which.

  • ttommyunger

    I would never join any organization which would accept me for membership….What? They wouldn't? Well, fuck them anyway.

  • dennis1943

    NOW he has freedom FRoM religion………..

  • PennyCillin

    So god says it's okay to rape boys, but don't even THINK about marrying them?

  • There was a time where I was sad that the Presbyterian church i went to said my mother was going to hell because she was Catholic. When I read about this and how they couldnt protect their own children from abuse, I am slightly comforted that the protestants they are in bed with in this culture war are condemning them inside their heads as idol worshipping cultists. I suspect that without the godless hoardes on the other side of the culture war, they would be tearing each other apart.

  • Wish I had one of those incense censers. I'd drag it around the back yard, chanting in vile tongues.

  • time to read some hilary mantel again.

  • BZ1

    Disingenuous much?

  • DahBoner

    The Catholic chuch traces it's history back to the Apostles. They really are the First Hypocrites….

  • comrad_darkness

    ""It's just the way the priest has things running. He's so strict. He won't loosen up about things."

    Boy, did this kid's CCD classes fail him utterly.

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