A Declaration Of War On Christmas

  ain't no treaty this time

AND MY AX!For real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter.

The time has arrived, as it does every year, for America to be besieged by that familiar and insidious enemy: Christmas. We have endured its tyranny for 2,000 years, with its manger scenes, its mint-flavored everything, its bearded occupation of J.C. Penny locations nationwide. Christmas flaunts its influence from the gilded trees in suburban bay windows across our land, mocking us while hijacking the radio waves for reindeer idolatry and the glorification of little boys with drums.

And we shall suffer it no longer.

Though its supporters have long bemoaned “attacks” on this, the worst of all seasons, Christmas has never felt the wrath of the people, the power of the oppressed masses. We shall rise up. We shall fight back. Before the media warns us for another year of the stealth “War on Christmas,” we shall make it clear.

We shall, officially, declare war on Christmas.

 
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Your politicians have lied to you! No one in America believes in a god; you have merely been lulled into complacency by Tom Selleck and Bart Simpson, who are sleeping with your wives while you go caroling.

The founding fathers did not create this nation in a Christian image. They worshiped the gods of the Sun and soil, named Sol Invictus and Ricky. There is no Christian nation, there is only Christmas lies. We shall burn Christmas, we shall punch Christmas in the tooth, for we welcome Hell. The pulled pork is far better there.

Rise up, atheists! Rise up to ruin it for the innocents, who only want to have a nice time! We must show them the error of their ways, and smush the face of Christmas all up around the glass wall of justice, and leave behind gross spitty smears! We will find Christmas where it hides, and we shall greet it with rocks and heavy books. We will hit it from the north, west, south, and west. We will hit it all over the place. Christmas, that is. We will hit Christmas so hard that its cries will be heard from pretty far from where it is crying.

And it will flee, yes, Christmas will, and its legions, louts the lot of them, will be pushed from the public buildings into the history books, under the title “The Queer Folk Who Thought They Could Suppress The Godless Wave Of Cultural Destruction America Wants And Deserves.”

The trees shall be crumbled. The cookies and milk shall spoil on their little tables. The stockings will be taken from the mantle and put back onto feet. The war criminal Santa will be removed from his throne and banished to the swamps, for his prostitution of elves and promotion of Winter Wonderlands. He deserves to be hit with shoes. ATHEIST SHOES.

Come! It is time! Call your public officials, and tell them to take down city holiday displays! You can tell them it is about how “that is not a government’s job, to be celebrating some people’s religious holidays while publicly insulting other religions,” but we know what you are really doing: giving Christmas a beating about the head and face and legs, in war.

Also, Facebook from your Facebook! tweet from your tweeters! Shout from all available mountaintops!

We have them cornered now, in the city, where they all are, the Christmas people. There is no one to fight back. We must strike! We have destroyed their walls, ornaments, and shovels. We have driven them back. We have shaken them vigorously, so that their heads hurt in the back, and their necks are kind of sore. Christmas is an illusion, and they are trying to sell to others an illusion.

We will shatter the illusion! We will eat their defenders like Pringles! War! War! War on Christmas!

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176 comments

  1. memzilla

    Needs moar Slim Pickens riding a W88-tipped Christmas tree down onto the Walmart-owned Secret Santa Doomsday Machine target. With votes!

    LET THERE BE CANDY-CANE COLORED MUSHROOM CLOUDS !!1!!

  2. mavenmaven

    What gaffe or odd pronouncement was this a response to? Or is it a preemptive strike against the inevitable Fox News pronouncements?
    I, for one, would be satisfied with a constitutional amendment banning 24 hour all christmas song radio formats. Especially at the workplace, where it is like Communist indoctrination, played ALL F#$%ING DAY.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      I, for one, would be satisfied with a constitutional amendment banning 24 hour all christmas song radio formats. Especially at the workplace…

      This is why I love being able to work from home now. There is an official ban on Christmas music in the House of Wagstaff from Nov. until Feb. (just to be safe). Actually there's a year-round banned. It includes any classical that's associated with the holiday. Especially that damned Messy Ah (as I call it).

      1. PsycWench

        Me too! And I get first dibs (after BadKitty) on taunting him for needing medication for something he should overcome via willpower and/or faith in God.

    1. ButthurtWingers2012

      That's pretty much the fun of this war…watching wingnut faces become so red their eyes can barely be held in sockets as a result of the massive blood pressure. Bill O' is not alone, however and he has reserves. Two other ace douchenozzles always willing to soulessly agree with this stupid 'war' premise on a pagan festival: John Gibson/Steve Douuuuchheeeyyyyy. My favorite thing to do with wingnut 'defenders' is to remind them that the only part of Christmas they seem to fucking care about is the pagan iconography and the orgy of consumerism. If they ACTUALLY practiced the religious aspect they wouldn't be shitting themselves over stores saying "happy holidays" they would be happy about it preserving the 'religious' side of Christmas. My only question about the 'war' is, what kind of dealo has Bill O' gotten from Walmart for this?

  3. glasspusher

    The only thing that Charlie Brown pic is getting me thinking of is Mounds bars…one of the sponsors of the special when I was a kid. Mmmm…

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Actually, the two best spatulae that I've ever owned were from Williams-Sonoma. Thin and springy and reasonably-priced, they made pan-frying a joy. Unfortunately, the Chinese stainless steel was (needless to state) not quite the best and they finally wore out. Now, of course, the W-S bean counters realized that they were not such a bad deal after all and quit offering them.

      (Now, the best spatulae I ever used were in a cooking job years ago and were made of spring steel. Razor-sharp on one side from constant use, long and springy, they gave wonderful feedback when I slid them under omelets, and had a pleasant ring as I tapped them lightly on the grill, keeping the rhythm going just as a blacksmith taps his hammer lightly on the anvil. But you can't get them anymore, I guess, maybe because they worked very well and they rusted without care.)

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Man! Those are some awesome spatulae!

        You're giving my Goodwill-sourced crap some serious performance anxiety.

    2. DemmeFatale

      While I was reading this, (and laughing so loudly. Mr, Fatale asked if I was OK), I got an email from them. 15% off some stupid, overpriced, pannini maker

    1. Geminisunmars

      The war between the best-muppet-named characters has begun. Methinks that the Emperor Norquist will suddenly discover that he wears no clothes.

      Who knew that I could grow to like old Saxby.

    2. ButthurtWingers2012

      Wow, big shock! It's almost like some Republicans are taking their first gingerly baby steps out of the primordial muck that is their philosophy to evolve a little. I mean, who in their right fucking mind thought the 'no taxes, ever!' thing was a good idea? Probably some mook who failed basic macroeconomics…aka GOP economists. If this sort of pushback against the ridiculous right works there may (MAY) come a day where Republicans no longer demagogue minorities, or women, or promote idiotic Rand-anomics; there may also come a day where they are no longer happy to explode the deficit by cutting taxes for the rich while simultaneously wasting trillions in graft and waste in order to bomb brown people, also. When that day comes a glorious moment will happen: Limbaugh's head will FINALLY explode from the fatal amounts of cognitive dissonance stored inside….but I'm probably being far too fucking optimistic and they'll be right back in the goo soon enough…

    1. bikerlaureate

      Srsly. Remember when it didn't start until after the war or Thanksgiving, much less the war on Halloween?

    2. trampndirtdown

      There has been an escalation on my front. My boss who lurves Christmas music has started playing it Thanksgiving week for the past 10 years. It's a game I hide his cd's and he buys more. Now with new IronDome technology my tactics are ruined. Fucking Ipods!
      PS love my boss, he's not a religious loon just loves Christmas music.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    O little town of Jeebusville
    How loud do you tell lies
    Only thy greed and shameless sales
    Cheap waffle irons to buy
    Yet in thy Walmart aisles continues
    The everlasting Fight
    The tropes and fears of all the years
    Are brought on thee tonight

  5. Mahousu

    Uh-oh. Is this a desperate attempt to revive the old warblog days? When the war goes sour, will we try to convince ourselves that it was somehow a success?

    "We know where the items of mass consumption are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat."

    Reporters will head there and find only old, shuttered Walmarts and abandoned Twinkies factories.

  6. eggsacklywright

    True story: I once managed a wine department in a fancy grocery store. Late afternoon on Christmas eve, the place was packed. In walks a bedraggled and tipsy Santa. Someone says, "Merry Christmas, Santa." He continued his bee-line for the beer cooler and bellowed, "Awww, fuck Christmas." I almost fell over laughing.

    1. FNMA

      You've met Billy Bob?
      One of the holiday traditions around my house is watching Bad Santa, the bestest Christmas movie ever.

  7. PsycWench

    Wait, I thought that demanding that shopkeepers say "Happy Holidays" instead of Christmas was accomplishing all this destruction and more?

  8. SayItWithWookies

    I'm all for a war on Christmas — and I also think the best way to defeat Christmas is to let it turn into an empty, materialist shell and a soulless amalgamation of various pagan traditions sculpted by the worst elements of America into a corporate-whipped mob of fear and shopping. In other words, leave it in the hands of the Christians.

    1. PsycWench

      I spent several winter months in Germany when I was considerably younger. The difference in commercialization of Christmas was amazing. Don't know if it's still that way, but it made one think twice about how a family holiday became this pageant of consumption.

    1. DCBloom

      I made that too with a couple of shots of Makers. Cranberry Business is def a new holiday tradition at our house.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Every year, I keep saying "Next year…" But I keep getting asked to do my traditional mushrooms thing, so I guess maybe at Xmas this year? If it doesn't get killed in the war on Xmas, that is.

      1. HistoriCat

        Empty platitudes don't cost anything so I'm all for them. Just as long as he doesn't want "health care" or "veterans benefits" or any of that other foolishness.

  9. barto

    I'm cool with this as long as it doesn't devolve into something stupid like the War on Drugs, or Terror, etc. etc. etc. mmmkay?

    1. BadKitty904

      Not unless we can make hundreds of millions of dollars off federal contracts selling the gubbmint "anti-Christmas defense systems" or some such…

      'Cause JERBS, etc.

  10. boskolives

    What a slippery slope we weave, when first we start to believe.
    O.k., who among us doesn't think that putting Christ back in Christmas isn't the precursor to putting the Cunt back in Country? Remember, a show of a finger is not 1/5th of a show of hands, especially "that" finger.

  11. sbj1964

    Oh Goody,another unpaid for war just what we need.I hope it's a real war this time instead of the war on drugs,or the war on violence,Junk food,obesity,women,or soft drinks.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Oh, clearly now, with all the loot we'll be taking home, the War on Christmas will surely pay for itself.

  12. ThundercatHo

    GOOD! I hate all this fucking shit anyways. All the cleaning and shopping and wrapping and decorating and cooking is EXHAUSTING and I never get any good shit anyways. Besides, it's fucking YULE which the fucking asshole xtians priests stole from the cute Celtic PAGANS so they could rape everything forever. Count me in, I'll be in the calvary with my horses of doom. The teabaggers will tremble in their cups when they hear the mighty hoofbeats of the oppressed riding down and trampling their fucking, tacky displays to ruin!

    1. MosesInvests

      Hate to be pedantic (not really, I live for it), but Yule (or Jul) is a *Teutonic* pagan holiday. Anyway, the original theft was the Roman pagan holidays of Saturnalia and Sol Invictus.

    1. emmelemm

      Wow! That is a blast from the past. We actually saw that picture in 10th grade history, if I recall correctly.

  13. GregComlish

    what about the man-on-man-on-woman-on-woman X-mas orgy free-for-all? God I love sluts in X-mas themed lingerie.

      1. Negropolis

        What else would he be wearing? I mean, everyone knows that you should see no whites after Labor Day. How gauche.

  14. ChillBill

    No need for a war. Just remind your fellow materialistic Christian Black Friday shoppers that Santa , the trees, the mistletoe, the candy, the presents, etc, are all pagan traditions that have nothing to do with Jesus.

  15. sullivanst

    Needz moar #WAR!

    Seriously, though, better an imaginary war on an intangible concept than a throw-millions-of-people-in-jail war on a conceptual grouping of chemicals or a rain-death-from-sky-robots-onto-weddings war on an intangible concept.

    1. HarryButtle

      We're not the Eastern Front for Orthodox Christmas, we're the Orthodox Christmas Eastern Front! Splitters!

  16. AlterNewt

    Your politicians have lied to you! No one in America believes in a god; you have merely been lulled into complacency by Tom Selleck and Bart Simpson, who are sleeping with your wives while you go caroling.

    Wrong wrong wrong!

    It's "a-caroling."

  17. LibrarianX

    Is there an other holiday on earth that lasts as long or generates as much interest and revenue? War on Christmas? We lost years ago.

  18. damanoid

    "The sleigh is riding majestically toward us, like some great feather, riding as though it was mighty– mighty proud of the place it's playing in this world holiday. The reindeer are practically standing still now. Santa has dropped the reins; the gifts are being unloaded by a number of elves. It's starting to snow; the snow had slacked up a little bit. The sleigh is–"

    "It's burst into flames! Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Get this, Hermie! It's on fire and it's crashing, it's terrible, the sleigh is burning, bursting into flames, Santa is falling, the reindeer, the reindeer are on fire, they're burning, this is the– the worst catastrophe, ladies and gentlemen…"

  19. not that Dewey

    Push them from public buildings over there so we don't have to push them from public buildings here.

  20. BarackMyWorld

    Can we just skip ahead to the Christian Death Camps? Between the gay indoctrination and scraping "In God We Trust" off all my spare change, my next month's kind of booked up already.

  21. malsperanza

    Time to oil up the fruitcake catapults* and check their spring mechanisms. The Christers will never see us coming.

    From the fully fledged blue state of Colorado: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-iGRbLWBao

    From the blue enclave of increasingly blue North Carolina: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OrAGRjqem4

    People of the Swing Republics of Nevada, Iowa, Ohio, and Virginia! Throw off the chains of the oppressors! Built your own weapons of mass secularization!

    *That is, these things: http://www.flickr.com/photos/68961023@N00/2170202….
    Not to be confused with this thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tt_YcQlYxyY

  22. sbj1964

    Santa Claus is developing WMD,and has an army of Ninja,Muslim,Communist,Giant robot elves! Well that's what they are saying on the Conservative blogs.Fox News strikes again.Jesus is hopeing Hillary shows up back in town before Christmas.I mean X-MAS.

  23. Grief_Lessons

    "The Godless Wave Of Cultural Destruction America Wants And Deserves"

    Where was it that I just heard "Thanks for the American Dream: to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine"?

  24. Guppy

    Yes we'll rally round the tree, boys, we'll rally once again,
    Shouting the battle cry of Christmas,
    We will rally from the Wal-Marts, we'll gather from the mall,
    Shouting the battle cry of Christmas!

    For Jesus and Santa, hurrah, boys, hurrah!
    Down with the "holidays," and on with the war!
    While we rally round the tree, boys, rally once again
    Shouting the battle cry of Christmas!

    We are springing to the Tweets of our brothers gone before,
    Shouting the battle cry of Christmas!
    And we'll fill our vacuous rants with a million emails more,
    Shouting the battle cry of Christmas!

  25. Blendergoathead

    I have no idea what the fuck this rant was about, but it did remind me that the Little Drummer Boy game is officially on.

  26. DixvilleCrotch

    So what am I supposed to do now with all this lead-laden crap I just bought at Walmart? Bury it in Yucca Mountain?

  27. solrobins6

    Finally. As a Jew, I have been waiting for this my whole life.

    Time to fuck me up some reindeer. NO ELF SHALL BE SPARED MY VENGEANCE!

  28. One_Man_Band

    http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-v….

    I can’t believe what Christmas has come to today
    All these atheists and judges trying to take it away
    No carols in our public schools, no trees in City Hall
    And they wish you Season’s Greetings at the shopping mall
    Ain’t you sick of it all?

    Well, there’s a war on Christmas, it’s under attack
    But this year America’s taking it back
    Separate church and state, that’s what some lawyer said
    I say it’s time we separated him from his head
    You can call me un-Christian but that’s not true
    ‘Cause have I got a present for you
    It’s the thought that counts

    Christmas is as American as apple pie
    It’s a late December version of the Fourth of July
    And they may go by a different name
    But Uncle Sam and Santa Claus are one and the same
    So boys take aim

    Well, there’s a war on Christmas, it’s under attack
    But this year America’s taking it back
    Separate church and state, that’s what some liberal said
    I say it’s time we separated him from his head
    You can call me un-Christian but that’s not true
    Buddy I got a present for you
    I hope it’s the right size

    Oh say can you see this Christmas
    Baby Jesus ’tis of thee
    I’m placing 50 shining stars atop
    The Statue of Liber-Tree
    Then I’ll go and jingle the Liberty Bell
    Post Old Glory with an elf
    And if you say I can’t deck my halls
    Then I’ll deck you myself

    Well, there’s a war on Christmas it’s under attack
    Hey, this year Old Saint Nicholas is taking it back
    He’s firing guns from his reindeer, dropping bombs from his sled
    This year if you were naughty, you’re as good as dead
    He wears red and white, and you can throw in blue
    And has he got a present for you
    And St. Toby has got one too
    Yeah, we got a present for you
    As in the ACLU

  29. lulzmonger

    HENGHHH?!??
    A war on what?
    Been Xmas-free for more than eight years … & still lovin' it.

    Brat Jeebus, Santa, Frosty, Rudolph & the rest of Teh Cartel can all EAT ME RAW.

    1. UW8316154

      X-mas free since 2002 ~ and I t'aint going back. No stress, no shopping, no trees tied to the top of the truck…..

      However, I'm keeping my Winter Solstice celebration.

  30. bibliotequetress

    I laid siege to the Edwards Ham Shop website this morning. It was hell, and I had to carry my buddy out barely alive. Smithfield ham shrapnel everywhere. I sit here picking the shards of slivered almonds from detonated Hickory Cheese Balls™ from my burnt and bloody arms. It's hell, boys, but I'll go back in to stop the Peanut Pie Holiday Giftbasket from being delivered to another innocent.

    1. kittensdontlie

      I recieved a Harry & David ham yesterday. I put it in the backyard and safely dentonated the sodium nitrate laden mass. The blast site will be contaminated for years, but the saturated fat alone in that thing, would have sent many a comrade to an early painful death.

  31. HistoriCat

    I'm looking forward to the books and movies this war will inspire like
    - All Quiet on the Northern Front
    - Born on the Twenty-fifth of December
    - The Longest Night …

  32. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    What's all this then? I have been shopping since 5 this morning. I've been to three malls, a couple of Wal-marts, Best Buy, Target. And then I started decorating and I'm about to rush out the door and start caroling and setting up the Nativity scene inside the state capitol building. So what's this about again?

  33. snowpointsecret

    Okay, so my birthday is on Christmas.

    My question is: Do I still get one or does the whole day get nuked beyond repair?

    1. kittensdontlie

      Jesus?! Are you resurrected…..and a wonketteer? !! I knew it! Just enjoy your B-day as Santa had originally intended.

  34. teapartynyc2011

    DHS has a special Santa anti-insurgency wing and they've been notified.

    On a less halarious note, if you want to take down something really odious, here's something both lefties and libertarians should be able to get their collective shoulders behind: http://youtu.be/2h_yaqgjHMc and let's go after NDAA too (true progressives know exactly what this is, fake lefties, i.e., suburban liberals, like Debbie Wasserman Schultz, don't): http://youtu.be/7MwB2znBZ1g

  35. cybermoe

    "for 2,000 years"

    Um, WTF! happened to the Bush years? … and Obama's first 2 (Teabugger's F'd up years 3 and 4). Would Jesus knock out 12 years?

  36. DocChaos

    Who needs Christmas when "The Messiah" Barack O'Claus is handing out gifts all year round. This year were all getting toilet paper made from the constitution and abortifacients for the ladies. It's in the Quran.

  37. ttommyunger

    Still can't decide which I like best: the "Squdbillies Christmas Special" or the "Robot Chicken" Christmas Special. So sick…..so sweet.

  38. mcrummett

    "…we welcome Hell. The pulled pork is far better there."

    I always knew North Carolina was an Inner Circle!

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