For real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter.
The time has arrived, as it does every year, for America to be besieged by that familiar and insidious enemy: Christmas. We have endured its tyranny for 2,000 years, with its manger scenes, its mint-flavored everything, its bearded occupation of J.C. Penny locations nationwide. Christmas flaunts its influence from the gilded trees in suburban bay windows across our land, mocking us while hijacking the radio waves for reindeer idolatry and the glorification of little boys with drums.
And we shall suffer it no longer.
Though its supporters have long bemoaned “attacks” on this, the worst of all seasons, Christmas has never felt the wrath of the people, the power of the oppressed masses. We shall rise up. We shall fight back. Before the media warns us for another year of the stealth “War on Christmas,” we shall make it clear.
We shall, officially, declare war on Christmas.
Your politicians have lied to you! No one in America believes in a god; you have merely been lulled into complacency by Tom Selleck and Bart Simpson, who are sleeping with your wives while you go caroling.
The founding fathers did not create this nation in a Christian image. They worshiped the gods of the Sun and soil, named Sol Invictus and Ricky. There is no Christian nation, there is only Christmas lies. We shall burn Christmas, we shall punch Christmas in the tooth, for we welcome Hell. The pulled pork is far better there.
Rise up, atheists! Rise up to ruin it for the innocents, who only want to have a nice time! We must show them the error of their ways, and smush the face of Christmas all up around the glass wall of justice, and leave behind gross spitty smears! We will find Christmas where it hides, and we shall greet it with rocks and heavy books. We will hit it from the north, west, south, and west. We will hit it all over the place. Christmas, that is. We will hit Christmas so hard that its cries will be heard from pretty far from where it is crying.
And it will flee, yes, Christmas will, and its legions, louts the lot of them, will be pushed from the public buildings into the history books, under the title “The Queer Folk Who Thought They Could Suppress The Godless Wave Of Cultural Destruction America Wants And Deserves.”
The trees shall be crumbled. The cookies and milk shall spoil on their little tables. The stockings will be taken from the mantle and put back onto feet. The war criminal Santa will be removed from his throne and banished to the swamps, for his prostitution of elves and promotion of Winter Wonderlands. He deserves to be hit with shoes. ATHEIST SHOES.
Come! It is time! Call your public officials, and tell them to take down city holiday displays! You can tell them it is about how “that is not a government’s job, to be celebrating some people’s religious holidays while publicly insulting other religions,” but we know what you are really doing: giving Christmas a beating about the head and face and legs, in war.
Also, Facebook from your Facebook! tweet from your tweeters! Shout from all available mountaintops!
We have them cornered now, in the city, where they all are, the Christmas people. There is no one to fight back. We must strike! We have destroyed their walls, ornaments, and shovels. We have driven them back. We have shaken them vigorously, so that their heads hurt in the back, and their necks are kind of sore. Christmas is an illusion, and they are trying to sell to others an illusion.
We will shatter the illusion! We will eat their defenders like Pringles! War! War! War on Christmas!