AIN'T NO TREATY THIS TIME  12:00 pm November 23, 2012

A Declaration Of War On Christmas

by Rich Abdill

AND MY AX!For real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter.

The time has arrived, as it does every year, for America to be besieged by that familiar and insidious enemy: Christmas. We have endured its tyranny for 2,000 years, with its manger scenes, its mint-flavored everything, its bearded occupation of J.C. Penny locations nationwide. Christmas flaunts its influence from the gilded trees in suburban bay windows across our land, mocking us while hijacking the radio waves for reindeer idolatry and the glorification of little boys with drums.

And we shall suffer it no longer.

Though its supporters have long bemoaned “attacks” on this, the worst of all seasons, Christmas has never felt the wrath of the people, the power of the oppressed masses. We shall rise up. We shall fight back. Before the media warns us for another year of the stealth “War on Christmas,” we shall make it clear.

We shall, officially, declare war on Christmas.

Your politicians have lied to you! No one in America believes in a god; you have merely been lulled into complacency by Tom Selleck and Bart Simpson, who are sleeping with your wives while you go caroling.

The founding fathers did not create this nation in a Christian image. They worshiped the gods of the Sun and soil, named Sol Invictus and Ricky. There is no Christian nation, there is only Christmas lies. We shall burn Christmas, we shall punch Christmas in the tooth, for we welcome Hell. The pulled pork is far better there.

Rise up, atheists! Rise up to ruin it for the innocents, who only want to have a nice time! We must show them the error of their ways, and smush the face of Christmas all up around the glass wall of justice, and leave behind gross spitty smears! We will find Christmas where it hides, and we shall greet it with rocks and heavy books. We will hit it from the north, west, south, and west. We will hit it all over the place. Christmas, that is. We will hit Christmas so hard that its cries will be heard from pretty far from where it is crying.

And it will flee, yes, Christmas will, and its legions, louts the lot of them, will be pushed from the public buildings into the history books, under the title “The Queer Folk Who Thought They Could Suppress The Godless Wave Of Cultural Destruction America Wants And Deserves.”

The trees shall be crumbled. The cookies and milk shall spoil on their little tables. The stockings will be taken from the mantle and put back onto feet. The war criminal Santa will be removed from his throne and banished to the swamps, for his prostitution of elves and promotion of Winter Wonderlands. He deserves to be hit with shoes. ATHEIST SHOES.

Come! It is time! Call your public officials, and tell them to take down city holiday displays! You can tell them it is about how “that is not a government’s job, to be celebrating some people’s religious holidays while publicly insulting other religions,” but we know what you are really doing: giving Christmas a beating about the head and face and legs, in war.

Also, Facebook from your Facebook! tweet from your tweeters! Shout from all available mountaintops!

We have them cornered now, in the city, where they all are, the Christmas people. There is no one to fight back. We must strike! We have destroyed their walls, ornaments, and shovels. We have driven them back. We have shaken them vigorously, so that their heads hurt in the back, and their necks are kind of sore. Christmas is an illusion, and they are trying to sell to others an illusion.

We will shatter the illusion! We will eat their defenders like Pringles! War! War! War on Christmas!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 176 comments }

CrunchyKnee November 23, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Can I just get drunk and not buy gifts while being grumpy like I do every year instead?

gullywompr November 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Deserter!

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 1:18 am

Hang him-or-her with (not judy) garlands!

memzilla November 23, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Needs moar Slim Pickens riding a W88-tipped Christmas tree down onto the Walmart-owned Secret Santa Doomsday Machine target. With votes!

LET THERE BE CANDY-CANE COLORED MUSHROOM CLOUDS !!1!!

eggsacklywright November 23, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I heard Santa and his favorite dwarve (sic) have an inappropriate relationship. Pay it forward.

deanbooth November 23, 2012 at 12:22 pm

And Mrs. Claus is his snowy white beard?

boskolives November 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I heard that a few of his elves were forced to go up on him, but it was o.k. because he was nuts over them.

notgross November 23, 2012 at 1:00 pm

You're right. That is pretty sic.

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 1:19 am

I heard his elves are actually sex slaves and the toy factory is a front and racket.

mavenmaven November 23, 2012 at 12:09 pm

What gaffe or odd pronouncement was this a response to? Or is it a preemptive strike against the inevitable Fox News pronouncements?
I, for one, would be satisfied with a constitutional amendment banning 24 hour all christmas song radio formats. Especially at the workplace, where it is like Communist indoctrination, played ALL F#$%ING DAY.

Lot_49 November 23, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Listen! You can hear it already:

♪♫ Come, they told me, barrup-a-bum-bum….♪♫

Butch_Wagstaff November 23, 2012 at 5:54 pm

I, for one, would be satisfied with a constitutional amendment banning 24 hour all christmas song radio formats. Especially at the workplace…

This is why I love being able to work from home now. There is an official ban on Christmas music in the House of Wagstaff from Nov. until Feb. (just to be safe). Actually there's a year-round banned. It includes any classical that's associated with the holiday. Especially that damned Messy Ah (as I call it).

spends2much November 23, 2012 at 12:09 pm

If this will raise Bill O'Reilly's blood pressure to dangerous levels, I'm in.

BadKitty904 November 23, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Hey, I'm up for that!

PsycWench November 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Me too! And I get first dibs (after BadKitty) on taunting him for needing medication for something he should overcome via willpower and/or faith in God.

ButthurtWingers2012 November 23, 2012 at 4:22 pm

That's pretty much the fun of this war…watching wingnut faces become so red their eyes can barely be held in sockets as a result of the massive blood pressure. Bill O' is not alone, however and he has reserves. Two other ace douchenozzles always willing to soulessly agree with this stupid 'war' premise on a pagan festival: John Gibson/Steve Douuuuchheeeyyyyy. My favorite thing to do with wingnut 'defenders' is to remind them that the only part of Christmas they seem to fucking care about is the pagan iconography and the orgy of consumerism. If they ACTUALLY practiced the religious aspect they wouldn't be shitting themselves over stores saying "happy holidays" they would be happy about it preserving the 'religious' side of Christmas. My only question about the 'war' is, what kind of dealo has Bill O' gotten from Walmart for this?

eggsacklywright November 23, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Oh, and Merry X-box to all the cretins shopping today.

glasspusher November 23, 2012 at 12:10 pm

The only thing that Charlie Brown pic is getting me thinking of is Mounds bars…one of the sponsors of the special when I was a kid. Mmmm…

Tommmcatt_Again November 23, 2012 at 12:19 pm

What happened to Dolly Madison?

gullywompr November 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Union thugs killed her.

Sharkey November 23, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Or we could buy crap from Williams-Sonoma.

weejee November 23, 2012 at 12:18 pm

I thought it was Williams-Soma. Part of our brave, new world.

gullywompr November 23, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I dunno, their chicken coop is only $800. Not sure if it's up to snuff.

Maman November 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

OOOOh. you have fancy chickens…

Chet Kincaid_ November 23, 2012 at 12:47 pm

That guy is funny, but he interrupts Deadpin's 24 hour coverage of athlete dick and butt selfies and has-been wrestler sex tapes.

OneDollarJuana November 23, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Actually, the two best spatulae that I've ever owned were from Williams-Sonoma. Thin and springy and reasonably-priced, they made pan-frying a joy. Unfortunately, the Chinese stainless steel was (needless to state) not quite the best and they finally wore out. Now, of course, the W-S bean counters realized that they were not such a bad deal after all and quit offering them.

(Now, the best spatulae I ever used were in a cooking job years ago and were made of spring steel. Razor-sharp on one side from constant use, long and springy, they gave wonderful feedback when I slid them under omelets, and had a pleasant ring as I tapped them lightly on the grill, keeping the rhythm going just as a blacksmith taps his hammer lightly on the anvil. But you can't get them anymore, I guess, maybe because they worked very well and they rusted without care.)

Lascauxcaveman November 23, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Man! Those are some awesome spatulae!

You're giving my Goodwill-sourced crap some serious performance anxiety.

DemmeFatale November 23, 2012 at 2:19 pm

While I was reading this, (and laughing so loudly. Mr, Fatale asked if I was OK), I got an email from them. 15% off some stupid, overpriced, pannini maker

weejee November 23, 2012 at 12:11 pm

And, gasp, in the first serious swing at shouty, no-taxy 0.1%er Christmas Elf Grover Norquist, Senator Saxby Chambliss (Almond Roca-GA), says he's gonna poop on his 20-year Groverian no-taxes pledge. For the freedomz and stuff.

/ faints asdf;lkj

Geminisunmars November 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm

The war between the best-muppet-named characters has begun. Methinks that the Emperor Norquist will suddenly discover that he wears no clothes.

Who knew that I could grow to like old Saxby.

Chet Kincaid_ November 23, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Finally, one of these fuckers grows a pair.

ButthurtWingers2012 November 23, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Wow, big shock! It's almost like some Republicans are taking their first gingerly baby steps out of the primordial muck that is their philosophy to evolve a little. I mean, who in their right fucking mind thought the 'no taxes, ever!' thing was a good idea? Probably some mook who failed basic macroeconomics…aka GOP economists. If this sort of pushback against the ridiculous right works there may (MAY) come a day where Republicans no longer demagogue minorities, or women, or promote idiotic Rand-anomics; there may also come a day where they are no longer happy to explode the deficit by cutting taxes for the rich while simultaneously wasting trillions in graft and waste in order to bomb brown people, also. When that day comes a glorious moment will happen: Limbaugh's head will FINALLY explode from the fatal amounts of cognitive dissonance stored inside….but I'm probably being far too fucking optimistic and they'll be right back in the goo soon enough…

fuflans November 24, 2012 at 12:37 pm

so someone IS punching grover norquist in the dick.

emmelemm November 25, 2012 at 5:33 pm

It's a Christmas miracle!

gullywompr November 23, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Man, the War on Christmas starts earlier every year.

bikerlaureate November 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Srsly. Remember when it didn't start until after the war or Thanksgiving, much less the war on Halloween?

Radiotherapy November 23, 2012 at 12:59 pm

So does the War on the War on Christmas.

boskolives November 23, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Who do you have to blow to get a deferment from the war on Christmas? Just asking for a friend who is waiting in Canada for the answer.

trampndirtdown November 23, 2012 at 3:23 pm

There has been an escalation on my front. My boss who lurves Christmas music has started playing it Thanksgiving week for the past 10 years. It's a game I hide his cd's and he buys more. Now with new IronDome technology my tactics are ruined. Fucking Ipods!
PS love my boss, he's not a religious loon just loves Christmas music.

boobookitteh November 23, 2012 at 12:11 pm

WOLVERINES!!!!

CrunchyKnee November 23, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Oh, Chuck, will you never get a good tree?

BadKitty904 November 23, 2012 at 12:13 pm
DCBloom November 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Aw man, that is fabulous!

ManchuCandidate November 23, 2012 at 12:13 pm

O little town of Jeebusville
How loud do you tell lies
Only thy greed and shameless sales
Cheap waffle irons to buy
Yet in thy Walmart aisles continues
The everlasting Fight
The tropes and fears of all the years
Are brought on thee tonight

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 23, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Let's put Santa in the turkey grinder and make Sarah Palin watch!

memzilla November 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Let's do it the other way around… with votes!

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 23, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I like the way you think.

gullywompr November 23, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Was it over when the Atheists bombed Pearl Harbor? HELL NO!

Mahousu November 23, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Uh-oh. Is this a desperate attempt to revive the old warblog days? When the war goes sour, will we try to convince ourselves that it was somehow a success?

"We know where the items of mass consumption are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat."

Reporters will head there and find only old, shuttered Walmarts and abandoned Twinkies factories.

eggsacklywright November 23, 2012 at 12:17 pm

True story: I once managed a wine department in a fancy grocery store. Late afternoon on Christmas eve, the place was packed. In walks a bedraggled and tipsy Santa. Someone says, "Merry Christmas, Santa." He continued his bee-line for the beer cooler and bellowed, "Awww, fuck Christmas." I almost fell over laughing.

FNMA November 23, 2012 at 12:24 pm

You've met Billy Bob?
One of the holiday traditions around my house is watching Bad Santa, the bestest Christmas movie ever.

iTuna November 23, 2012 at 1:05 pm

No, that'd be Die Hard.

SoBeach November 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Watching Bad Santa is kind of a tradition at my house too. Really gets me in the holiday spirit.

viennawoods13 November 24, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Well, it's cold outside. A man's gotta do something to keep warm.

Tommmcatt_Again November 23, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I still get my presents though, right?

BadKitty904 November 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

(I was thinking that, but wasn't brave enuff to ask) ;0)

Chet Kincaid_ November 23, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Yet another war where nobody is asked to sacrifice!!

Geminisunmars November 23, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Ha! You must not be a parent. Or grandparent.

Come here a minute November 23, 2012 at 12:37 pm

You get nothing! Good day sir!

Defeatably_Joe November 23, 2012 at 2:51 pm

What about my Obama Gifts? Do I get to keep those?

gullywompr November 23, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Presents are for closers.

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 1:27 am

You are a part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor!

HarryButtle November 23, 2012 at 12:18 pm

My heart shrank 3 sizes reading that.

PsycWench November 23, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Wait, I thought that demanding that shopkeepers say "Happy Holidays" instead of Christmas was accomplishing all this destruction and more?

SayItWithWookies November 23, 2012 at 12:18 pm

I'm all for a war on Christmas — and I also think the best way to defeat Christmas is to let it turn into an empty, materialist shell and a soulless amalgamation of various pagan traditions sculpted by the worst elements of America into a corporate-whipped mob of fear and shopping. In other words, leave it in the hands of the Christians.

PsycWench November 23, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I spent several winter months in Germany when I was considerably younger. The difference in commercialization of Christmas was amazing. Don't know if it's still that way, but it made one think twice about how a family holiday became this pageant of consumption.

Lot_49 November 23, 2012 at 1:15 pm

There're still a few battles to be fought.

DemmeFatale November 23, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I, for one, support this pre-emptive strike!

(OT, the Wonkette/Ken cranberry stuff went over very well yesterday.)

DCBloom November 23, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I made that too with a couple of shots of Makers. Cranberry Business is def a new holiday tradition at our house.

Lascauxcaveman November 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Every year, I keep saying "Next year…" But I keep getting asked to do my traditional mushrooms thing, so I guess maybe at Xmas this year? If it doesn't get killed in the war on Xmas, that is.

DemmeFatale November 23, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Why not both?The cranberry stuff is WAY easy!(BTW: what do you do with mushrooms?)

PsycWench November 23, 2012 at 12:19 pm

We still get the day off, right? And we eat insanely decadent food for a few days?

Chet Kincaid_ November 23, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Oh sure, gorge yourself and welcome wounded warriors like Rich Abdill home with empty platitudes!!

HistoriCat November 23, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Empty platitudes don't cost anything so I'm all for them. Just as long as he doesn't want "health care" or "veterans benefits" or any of that other foolishness.

Vecchiojohn November 23, 2012 at 2:11 pm

And the boozing. Don't forget the boozing.

BZ1 November 23, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I thought it was called Christmas shopping season, am I wrong?

barto November 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I'm cool with this as long as it doesn't devolve into something stupid like the War on Drugs, or Terror, etc. etc. etc. mmmkay?

BadKitty904 November 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Not unless we can make hundreds of millions of dollars off federal contracts selling the gubbmint "anti-Christmas defense systems" or some such…

'Cause JERBS, etc.

boskolives November 23, 2012 at 12:21 pm

What a slippery slope we weave, when first we start to believe.
O.k., who among us doesn't think that putting Christ back in Christmas isn't the precursor to putting the Cunt back in Country? Remember, a show of a finger is not 1/5th of a show of hands, especially "that" finger.

Abernathy November 23, 2012 at 12:22 pm

We have always been at war with Christmas.

BadKitty904 November 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

DANG. You beat me to it, ya rascal.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Io Saturnalia! Wouldn't it be a hoot to watch Trump cok his own soup!

deanbooth November 23, 2012 at 12:24 pm

That's all fine and good, but what are you getting me?

gullywompr November 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm

OK, everybody just chill the fuck out – Hillary just negotiated a cease-fire.

MozakiBlocks November 23, 2012 at 2:01 pm

This picture of Hills and Bibi makes me LOL. She looks ready to cut a bitch and he looks scared for his life.
https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/12879

Lascauxcaveman November 23, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I hate that prick. (Bibi, not Hillary) She should cut off his allowance; among other things.

starfanglednut November 23, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I agree. He is a total fucking tool.

sbj1964 November 23, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Oh Goody,another unpaid for war just what we need.I hope it's a real war this time instead of the war on drugs,or the war on violence,Junk food,obesity,women,or soft drinks.

Lascauxcaveman November 23, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Oh, clearly now, with all the loot we'll be taking home, the War on Christmas will surely pay for itself.

ThundercatHo November 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

GOOD! I hate all this fucking shit anyways. All the cleaning and shopping and wrapping and decorating and cooking is EXHAUSTING and I never get any good shit anyways. Besides, it's fucking YULE which the fucking asshole xtians priests stole from the cute Celtic PAGANS so they could rape everything forever. Count me in, I'll be in the calvary with my horses of doom. The teabaggers will tremble in their cups when they hear the mighty hoofbeats of the oppressed riding down and trampling their fucking, tacky displays to ruin!

Chet Kincaid_ November 23, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Just so long as they're not Ponies.

MosesInvests November 23, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Hate to be pedantic (not really, I live for it), but Yule (or Jul) is a *Teutonic* pagan holiday. Anyway, the original theft was the Roman pagan holidays of Saturnalia and Sol Invictus.

SayItWithWookies November 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"Calvary?" Just an hour into the War on Christmas and we've already got a friendly fire incident. Remember, the cavalry goes faster, not being nailed down and such.

weejee November 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Is this the Wonkette creche? Could maybe Photoshop in a pony or twelve and Pedobear to fill in for the missing livestock.

FeloniousMonk November 23, 2012 at 1:08 pm

That pyramid looks kind of wobbly to me.

Vecchiojohn November 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Awesome poster, dude.. I am so using this for Xmas wrap this year.

emmelemm November 25, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Wow! That is a blast from the past. We actually saw that picture in 10th grade history, if I recall correctly.

GregComlish November 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

what about the man-on-man-on-woman-on-woman X-mas orgy free-for-all? God I love sluts in X-mas themed lingerie.

Lucidamente1 November 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

As long as my copy of Henry Ford's The International Jew arrives by December 25, I'm ok with it.

boskolives November 23, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Any Jew you want as long as he's wearing black.

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 1:35 am

What else would he be wearing? I mean, everyone knows that you should see no whites after Labor Day. How gauche.

boskolives November 24, 2012 at 11:28 am

When you say “…… see no whites after Labor Day”, are you referring to Detroit? Just asking since I don't live there anymore.

T3rbo November 23, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I actually illegally downloaded that book, so as to further inflame the Jewry

Come here a minute November 23, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I'm in, but I'm still taking a week off at the end of the year.

ChillBill November 23, 2012 at 12:43 pm

No need for a war. Just remind your fellow materialistic Christian Black Friday shoppers that Santa , the trees, the mistletoe, the candy, the presents, etc, are all pagan traditions that have nothing to do with Jesus.

Geminisunmars November 23, 2012 at 12:50 pm

But what about the Chanukah Bush?

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 1:36 am

Wait, what's this about Chaka Khan?

docterry6973 November 23, 2012 at 2:22 pm

There you go again, with your 'facts' and your 'history'.

sullivanst November 23, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Needz moar #WAR!

Seriously, though, better an imaginary war on an intangible concept than a throw-millions-of-people-in-jail war on a conceptual grouping of chemicals or a rain-death-from-sky-robots-onto-weddings war on an intangible concept.

Grief_Lessons November 23, 2012 at 12:49 pm

We'll need a separate Eastern front for Orthodox Christmas.

shelwood46 November 23, 2012 at 1:24 pm

At least we got like a week or two to regroup and redeploy.

Grief_Lessons November 23, 2012 at 1:36 pm

And what could be simpler than a Russian land war in January?

HistoriCat November 23, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Never fight a land war in Asia.

FeloniousMonk November 23, 2012 at 2:55 pm

You know who else thought opening an Eastern Front would be a good idea?

HarryButtle November 23, 2012 at 3:13 pm

We're not the Eastern Front for Orthodox Christmas, we're the Orthodox Christmas Eastern Front! Splitters!

Toomush_Infer November 23, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Umm, Rich?….he knows when you are sleeping….just a word to the wise….

AlterNewt November 23, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Your politicians have lied to you! No one in America believes in a god; you have merely been lulled into complacency by Tom Selleck and Bart Simpson, who are sleeping with your wives while you go caroling.

Wrong wrong wrong!

It's "a-caroling."

MosesInvests November 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

A-wassailing libel!

LibrarianX November 23, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Is there an other holiday on earth that lasts as long or generates as much interest and revenue? War on Christmas? We lost years ago.

Blueb4sinrise November 23, 2012 at 12:57 pm
Chet Kincaid_ November 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

It would be awesome if Wide Receivers started goose-stepping into the endzone.

Geminisunmars November 23, 2012 at 1:07 pm

But where are the big floaty things?

Blueb4sinrise November 23, 2012 at 1:19 pm
damanoid November 23, 2012 at 12:59 pm

"The sleigh is riding majestically toward us, like some great feather, riding as though it was mighty– mighty proud of the place it's playing in this world holiday. The reindeer are practically standing still now. Santa has dropped the reins; the gifts are being unloaded by a number of elves. It's starting to snow; the snow had slacked up a little bit. The sleigh is–"

"It's burst into flames! Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Get this, Hermie! It's on fire and it's crashing, it's terrible, the sleigh is burning, bursting into flames, Santa is falling, the reindeer, the reindeer are on fire, they're burning, this is the– the worst catastrophe, ladies and gentlemen…"

AddHomonym November 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

CHARGE!!! Like all proper wars, we will put this one on a credit card, right? CHARGE!!!!!

Chet Kincaid_ November 23, 2012 at 1:15 pm
sullivanst November 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Yeah, everybody does that this time of y… wait a minute! It's an infiltrator! SPY! SPY!

not that Dewey November 23, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Push them from public buildings over there so we don't have to push them from public buildings here.

Chet Kincaid_ November 23, 2012 at 1:05 pm

It's the jingling I can't stand. The incessant, joyless and perfunctory jingling!!

BarackMyWorld November 23, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Can we just skip ahead to the Christian Death Camps? Between the gay indoctrination and scraping "In God We Trust" off all my spare change, my next month's kind of booked up already.

LibrarianX November 23, 2012 at 1:15 pm

"tweet your tweeters"? Can I just beat my blumbloopas, and wham my whowonkas?

Blueb4sinrise November 23, 2012 at 1:16 pm
natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 23, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Lovely and awesome. Also, apt!

TribecaMike November 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Yikes, I'm still exhausted from fighting the war on Groundhog Day.

malsperanza November 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Time to oil up the fruitcake catapults* and check their spring mechanisms. The Christers will never see us coming.

From the fully fledged blue state of Colorado: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-iGRbLWBao

From the blue enclave of increasingly blue North Carolina: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OrAGRjqem4

People of the Swing Republics of Nevada, Iowa, Ohio, and Virginia! Throw off the chains of the oppressors! Built your own weapons of mass secularization!

*That is, these things: http://www.flickr.com/photos/68961023@N00/2170202….
Not to be confused with this thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tt_YcQlYxyY

sbj1964 November 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Santa Claus is developing WMD,and has an army of Ninja,Muslim,Communist,Giant robot elves! Well that's what they are saying on the Conservative blogs.Fox News strikes again.Jesus is hopeing Hillary shows up back in town before Christmas.I mean X-MAS.

asterixaverni November 23, 2012 at 1:30 pm

But we'll leave the Island of Mis-Fit Toys alone, right?

HistoriCat November 23, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Those toys will greet us as liberators!

Grief_Lessons November 23, 2012 at 1:32 pm

"The Godless Wave Of Cultural Destruction America Wants And Deserves"

Where was it that I just heard "Thanks for the American Dream: to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine"?

Guppy November 23, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Yes we'll rally round the tree, boys, we'll rally once again,
Shouting the battle cry of Christmas,
We will rally from the Wal-Marts, we'll gather from the mall,
Shouting the battle cry of Christmas!

For Jesus and Santa, hurrah, boys, hurrah!
Down with the "holidays," and on with the war!
While we rally round the tree, boys, rally once again
Shouting the battle cry of Christmas!

We are springing to the Tweets of our brothers gone before,
Shouting the battle cry of Christmas!
And we'll fill our vacuous rants with a million emails more,
Shouting the battle cry of Christmas!

Blendergoathead November 23, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I have no idea what the fuck this rant was about, but it did remind me that the Little Drummer Boy game is officially on.

BadKitty904 November 23, 2012 at 1:44 pm

^ *busy watching "Toy Story" and eating leftover sweet-tater pie*

BlahAndBlue November 23, 2012 at 1:43 pm

tl;dr.

Cliff's Notes version, anyone?

cousinitt November 23, 2012 at 1:45 pm

"its mint-flavored everything"

Veiled Peanuts lesbian reference. Just ask Marcie, mmm-mmmm good!

T3rbo November 23, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Even if Christmas existed, it would be necessary to abolish it

rocktonsam November 23, 2012 at 1:46 pm

how many credit cards will we need to put this war on now?

DixvilleCrotch November 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

So what am I supposed to do now with all this lead-laden crap I just bought at Walmart? Bury it in Yucca Mountain?

solrobins6 November 23, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Finally. As a Jew, I have been waiting for this my whole life.

Time to fuck me up some reindeer. NO ELF SHALL BE SPARED MY VENGEANCE!

calliecallie November 23, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Christmas is dead! Long live Winter Solstice!

viennawoods13 November 24, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Keep the Yule in Yuletide!

One_Man_Band November 23, 2012 at 2:07 pm

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-v….

I can’t believe what Christmas has come to today
All these atheists and judges trying to take it away
No carols in our public schools, no trees in City Hall
And they wish you Season’s Greetings at the shopping mall
Ain’t you sick of it all?

Well, there’s a war on Christmas, it’s under attack
But this year America’s taking it back
Separate church and state, that’s what some lawyer said
I say it’s time we separated him from his head
You can call me un-Christian but that’s not true
‘Cause have I got a present for you
It’s the thought that counts

Christmas is as American as apple pie
It’s a late December version of the Fourth of July
And they may go by a different name
But Uncle Sam and Santa Claus are one and the same
So boys take aim

Well, there’s a war on Christmas, it’s under attack
But this year America’s taking it back
Separate church and state, that’s what some liberal said
I say it’s time we separated him from his head
You can call me un-Christian but that’s not true
Buddy I got a present for you
I hope it’s the right size

Oh say can you see this Christmas
Baby Jesus ’tis of thee
I’m placing 50 shining stars atop
The Statue of Liber-Tree
Then I’ll go and jingle the Liberty Bell
Post Old Glory with an elf
And if you say I can’t deck my halls
Then I’ll deck you myself

Well, there’s a war on Christmas it’s under attack
Hey, this year Old Saint Nicholas is taking it back
He’s firing guns from his reindeer, dropping bombs from his sled
This year if you were naughty, you’re as good as dead
He wears red and white, and you can throw in blue
And has he got a present for you
And St. Toby has got one too
Yeah, we got a present for you
As in the ACLU

One_Man_Band November 23, 2012 at 2:35 pm

What's sad is that, as I was looking for a clip of this, I found two different lefty websites where the commenters were arguing about whether it was satire or not. I thought being humorless and clueless was the other side's M.O.?
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/dubo
http://debunkingchristianity.blogspot.com/2009/12

lulzmonger November 23, 2012 at 2:12 pm

HENGHHH?!??
A war on what?
Been Xmas-free for more than eight years … & still lovin' it.

Brat Jeebus, Santa, Frosty, Rudolph & the rest of Teh Cartel can all EAT ME RAW.

UW8316154 November 24, 2012 at 10:44 am

X-mas free since 2002 ~ and I t'aint going back. No stress, no shopping, no trees tied to the top of the truck…..

However, I'm keeping my Winter Solstice celebration.

LibrarianX November 23, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Good grief

Vecchiojohn November 23, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Call me a sentiment old fool, but I kind of like the 12 months of Christmas.

Defeatably_Joe November 23, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Begun, this Christmas War has.

a_pink_poodle November 23, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Begun, the Christmas Wars, have. Around the nativity scene, a perimeter, create!

Lazy Media November 23, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Your blog sucks.

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 1:45 am

Nuh-uh!

bibliotequetress November 23, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I laid siege to the Edwards Ham Shop website this morning. It was hell, and I had to carry my buddy out barely alive. Smithfield ham shrapnel everywhere. I sit here picking the shards of slivered almonds from detonated Hickory Cheese Balls™ from my burnt and bloody arms. It's hell, boys, but I'll go back in to stop the Peanut Pie Holiday Giftbasket from being delivered to another innocent.

kittensdontlie November 24, 2012 at 11:56 am

I recieved a Harry & David ham yesterday. I put it in the backyard and safely dentonated the sodium nitrate laden mass. The blast site will be contaminated for years, but the saturated fat alone in that thing, would have sent many a comrade to an early painful death.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 23, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Very late to these wargames. Wonketz is live-tweeting the war like the IDF. Good grief.

HistoriCat November 23, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I'm looking forward to the books and movies this war will inspire like
- All Quiet on the Northern Front
- Born on the Twenty-fifth of December
- The Longest Night …

oenspiek November 23, 2012 at 6:03 pm

The war on xmas will never be finished while anyone still mentions Jeebus after Election Day!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 23, 2012 at 6:06 pm

What's all this then? I have been shopping since 5 this morning. I've been to three malls, a couple of Wal-marts, Best Buy, Target. And then I started decorating and I'm about to rush out the door and start caroling and setting up the Nativity scene inside the state capitol building. So what's this about again?

snowpointsecret November 23, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Okay, so my birthday is on Christmas.

My question is: Do I still get one or does the whole day get nuked beyond repair?

kittensdontlie November 24, 2012 at 11:45 am

Jesus?! Are you resurrected…..and a wonketteer? !! I knew it! Just enjoy your B-day as Santa had originally intended.

teapartynyc2011 November 23, 2012 at 7:09 pm

DHS has a special Santa anti-insurgency wing and they've been notified.

On a less halarious note, if you want to take down something really odious, here's something both lefties and libertarians should be able to get their collective shoulders behind: http://youtu.be/2h_yaqgjHMc and let's go after NDAA too (true progressives know exactly what this is, fake lefties, i.e., suburban liberals, like Debbie Wasserman Schultz, don't): http://youtu.be/7MwB2znBZ1g

starfanglednut November 23, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Just how drunk are they at Wonkette Headquarters?

cybermoe November 23, 2012 at 9:28 pm

"for 2,000 years"

Um, WTF! happened to the Bush years? … and Obama's first 2 (Teabugger's F'd up years 3 and 4). Would Jesus knock out 12 years?

DocChaos November 23, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Who needs Christmas when "The Messiah" Barack O'Claus is handing out gifts all year round. This year were all getting toilet paper made from the constitution and abortifacients for the ladies. It's in the Quran.

Negropolis November 24, 2012 at 1:46 am

Santa shall be displaced and dispatched with much haste, Inshallah.

ttommyunger November 23, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Still can't decide which I like best: the "Squdbillies Christmas Special" or the "Robot Chicken" Christmas Special. So sick…..so sweet.

DahBoner November 23, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Sounds like Good Ole Charlie Brown is up fucking Beaver Creek without a condom…

mcrummett November 24, 2012 at 4:05 pm

"…we welcome Hell. The pulled pork is far better there."

I always knew North Carolina was an Inner Circle!

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