buh-bye

Mitt Romney Drops By To Make Sure You Still Loathe Him

what about meeeee?Mitt Romney was lonely. A week after the election, and all anybody was laughing at was Karl Rove and Fox News and Dick Morris and Gallup, and people had kind of forgotten Mitt himself, the onetime standard-bearer of the GOP. Had he himself not shit the bed? Was he not the master of his own destiny? How come nobody was blaming him for the Republican Party smashing itself to pieces? Well, the Tea Party was, but did they even count, with their manmade, unbreathable fabrics and their slipcovered couches? No, for Mitt Romney to be blamed properly, it must be by the Elite, not the anti-government warriors scraping by month to month on their disability checks.

With that in mind, is it any wonder the Los Angeles Times was able to surreptitiously listen in on a Romney conference call, and come back with just the right gifts for the rest of us?

“The Obama campaign was following the old playbook of giving a lot of stuff to groups that they hoped they could get to vote for them and be motivated to go out to the polls, specifically the African American community, the Hispanic community and young people,” Romney told hundreds of donors during a telephone town hall Wednesday. “In each case they were very generous in what they gave to those groups.”

Young people got a break on student loans, and health coverage through their parents’ plans. Those are pretty good things! You could also argue that investing in health and education for young people is a pretty good policy choice, but that kind of takes away from Romney’s plan to jack our loathing of him back up to those heady pre-election heights.

“With regards to Hispanic voters, the amnesty for the children of illegals — the so-called Dream Act kids — was a huge plus for that voting group,” he said. “On the negative side, of course, they always characterized us as being anti-immigrant, being tough on illegal immigration, and so forth, so that was very effective with that group.”

Oh yes, Latinos got the DREAM Act — or a piece of it, and finally. In the latest survey we could find, 75 percent of the nation, including more than 60 percent of Republicans, approved of letting kids stay here if they’d been here a long time, had come when they were children, and were in the military or in college. So does that make it a “gift” for Latinos, or does that make it a move with broad popular appeal that a super-majority thinks is the right thing to do? It’s so hard to decide sometimes, the shittiest way to say something to get the most loathing for your buck.

But what about black people? Did they get a gift, or did they get jack shit like Cornel West says? (He is a walking, talking U MAD? right now.) Oh, they did get a gift, Gov. Romney? Was it an Obamaphone?

Romney said the Obama healthcare plan’s promise of coverage “in perpetuity” was behind the intensity of support for the president among African American voters making $25,000 to $35,000, as well as Hispanic voters:

“With regards to African American voters, ‘Obamacare’ was a huge plus — and was highly motivational to African American voters. You can imagine for somebody making $25—, or $30—, or $35,000 a year, being told you’re now going to get free healthcare — particularly if you don’t have it, getting free healthcare worth, what, $10,000 a family, in perpetuity, I mean this is huge. Likewise with Hispanic voters, free healthcare was a big plus.”

Wow, it is almost like Obamacare is a popular thing, that people want! But if it is only black people who get Obamacare, that is kind of fucked and unfair! Oh, it is not only black people who get Obamacare? But it is still a “gift” to the black community? That makes sense! For instance, we are black (we are not black), and we have Pre-Existing Condition Insurance (PCIP) through Obamacare. Rates are based on age and zip code, so we pay $244 a month. It’s a really good deal! We’re very happy with it! And did you know that the fact that we buy insurance at an affordable rate makes us moochers (just like all the black people!) who should die young so’s to get off the public tit? Sadly, it is true.

So there you have it! Obama bribed the nation’s youngs and minorities (and don’t even get anyone started on the ladies and their “free” slut pills) to vote for him, with hard-fought policy prescriptions for some social ills that have troubled our nation for a very long time.

Anything to add, LAT?

Romney’s frank analysis echoed his secretly taped comments at a May fundraiser, where he told a small group of donors that 47% of the electorate was unlikely to vote for him because they paid no income taxes and were dependent on government. It followed his running mate Paul D. Ryan’s assertion that Obama’s win stemmed from turnout among “urban” voters.

Both were at odds with the election results — Obama won several key states without large cities or minority populations. And he did so in part by asserting that it was Romney who was planning to disburse gifts — by virtue of a budget plan that included tax breaks heavily skewed toward the wealthy.

Don’t listen to ’em Roms. Just typical liberal media nonsense. Instead, keep listening to the rightwing echo chamber that got you in this mess in the first place. Otherwise, the nation might slowly forget you ever existed.

[LAT]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Wadisay

    What do you think of the height of those trees in Michigan now, Mi'lord?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Still the right height. Just the wrong white.

    • BerkeleyBear

      I don't know what Hairgel thinks, but the people are probably thinking they are just the right height to chop down, plane into a rail and run him out of the state on if he ever shows his face again.

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    Petition to punch Romney in the dick. (With votes of course. But, actually we already did that part).

    • eggsacklywright

      "Mr. President, we cannot allow a dick-punching gap."

    • Kid_Charlemagne

      I'm sure Sheldon Adelson has already given him a couple of donkey punches already.

    • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      I prefer the treatment of for losing Japanese Warlords: bury them so only their heads are exposed and allow the public to urinate on them and taunt them with sticks.

      • tessiee

        Just urinate?
        *sadly puts prune juice back in fridge*

        • BerkeleyBear

          Ahh, you wanna cop a squat, you go right ahead. After all, Grover Norquist said Romney is a poopy head (I know, out of context, but not if you apply the Hannity School of Journalism Selective Editing Standard)

        • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

          So no bukkake either, then?

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

      We dick-punched him in the ballot box.

  • sudsmckenzie

    Dont let the elevator hit you in the trunk.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I'm surprised he didn't say his shoelaces were tied together.

    • BadKitty904

      "The sun was in my eyes," also, too.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        "My bus was too big"

    • HempDogbane

      "I got a cramp."

    • tessiee

      Silly, he has People to tie his shoelaces for him.

    • Esteev

      Rafalca still needs new shoes!

  • eggsacklywright

    Bammer is handing out gifs?

    • glasspusher

      Yes, and Romney has gotten into a tiff over it.

    • SorosBot

      But according to Romney, he just kept handing out gaffes! Never mind that their definition of "gaffe" was anything that Obama said, taken out of context and twisted to make it seem like he said something completely different.

    • gullywompr

      Walnuts tried to hand us a GILF, so why not?

    • Guppy

      Obamaphones come with them preloaded.

  • kwbridge

    Wow – an elected official provides things that the people actually want rather than what his corporate sponsors want …

  • Schmannnity

    But a trillion dollar tax cut is not a gift.

    • Lizzietish81

      Of course not, its a stimulus!

      • eggsacklywright

        Because trickle-downing!

        • Lizzietish81

          Tinkle down, like piss.

          • dr_giraud

            "Of course they'll think it's rain."–Mitt Romney

    • BadKitty904

      No, it's an entitlement.

    • sudsmckenzie

      Not if dancing horses are involved.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      It's a responsibility!

    • Guppy

      She works hard for the money… ♫

    • ButthurtWingers2012

      No, not at all! When you give rich people huge tax cuts they effect a multiplier! All the best wingnut economists say so, too. What my favorite part of this is the Non-part CRS study which said "uh no, tax cuts for the rich do not make any economic difference" well, duh. Rich people are rich because they HOARD money, that's how they get their holdings. So giving them tax cuts just means the extra money will go into their bank account and maybe 10 cents on the dollar will go back into the economy which is what they spend already. This idea may not make any sense, it may not have any real economic value but goddamn it liberals! it's not a gift! (even though the rich guys who spent shitloads on his campaign were considering it investments with an obvious quid pro quo return…)

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    For instance, we are black (we are not black)

    But you gots rivvim and soul, honeycakes.

  • Canmon

    He would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids, and minorities, and poor people.

    • BadKitty904

      And voters.

    • tessiee

      And sluts, can't forget the sluts!
      $; – )

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Who'd want to?

        • thatsitfortheother1

          She says that like it's a bad thing…

          • DCBloom

            I see what you did there, with your handle,,,, the bus came by & you got on?

          • thatsitfortheother1

            That's when it all began!

          • DCBloom

            We really are still everywhere.

          • thatsitfortheother1

            Only for about 40 years now…

      • finallyhappy

        And old white women- perhaps former sluts(I'm not confessing to anything though)

    • FakaktaSouth

      Yes, what is this with the voting, and self interest? The GOP thought they had gotten that shit fixed years ago.

  • sbj1964

    Mittens just admit you lost because your a lying, flip flopping,Money stashing,Tax sheltering,GOP Bottom of the barrel ass wipe! Now doesn't that feel better?

    • Esteev

      Yeah, sure. Now he's gonna be honest.

  • memzilla

    Keep f**kin' that tone-deaf chicken, Mitt.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Better to do a chicken than pullet.

      • eggsacklywright

        Keep chokin' that chicken, Mittz.

  • sewollef

    "….manmade, unbreathable fabrics and their slipcovered couches"

    There's something seriously disturbing about that sentence, no? What on earth were you drinking last night, Beccs?

    • BadKitty904

      And don't forget tricorns. Ya can't be a TRUE 'Bagger without ya got yer tricorn.

      • glasspusher

        Check ridiculous possessions:

        1. Monogrammed screen door
        2. Vinyl slipcovers
        3. Plastic animals on front lawn
        4. Tiny, hateful dog

        • BaldarTFlagass

          You have overlooked one thing in your list: trucknutz. And Hoverrounds. Sorry, two things.

          • glasspusher

            Well, hey, that's just a starter set. We could work on this list all day long.My grandmother had item #1.

        • thatsitfortheother1

          How do you know when a family of pink flamingos moves in nest door?

          Plastic statues of little rednecks in the front yard.

          • glasspusher

            Nice.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Did you see "Boardwalk Empire" this week? The current big-baddie (setting cops on fire, enjoying being choked whilst jerking off) broke into a historical display to steal a tricorn hat from the library so he could wear it while supervising the unloading of his bootleg booze on the beach. I wondered if it was a subtle dig at teabaggers by Scorsese.

        • shelwood46

          Don't forget that the hat belonged to Mad Anthony Wayne, BAMF and namesake of pretty much every place called Wayne in the US.

    • tessiee

      It's even worse if you read it as "slipcovered crotches".
      Need more coffee.

    • One_who_wanders

      Butterscotch schnapps?

    • Eve8Apples

      I think Beccs is channeling Peggy Noonanutz.

  • glasspusher

    He hates it when the government gives the help some help.

    • Geminisunmars

      Noblesse Oblige is only for the upper classes, you know.

  • solrobins6

    I FIXED THE PETITITION PPLZ WE CAN GET BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED GROVER NORQUIST DICK PUNCHING!
    https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/allow-f

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      THAT didn't last long.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Gee, the blahs were promised that the Lucky 13th amendment wouldn't necessarily be repealed by the GOP. What more do those whiners want?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I asked the three Hispanic ladies and one black lady and one Japanese-Amero lady in my vanpool this morning if they had received their Obama-gifts yet; goose egg so far.

    • glasspusher

      You ride to work in a van full of chicks? Nice!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        And the government pays for it! That was Obama's gift to me.

        • glasspusher

          Aren't you a pasty white guy like me? Are you sure there wasn't some mix up? Congratulations, nonetheless.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Hey, it's not like we have pre- and post-work orgies; traffic is way too heavy, for one thing.

          • glasspusher

            Au contraire! For a year and a half I was stuck in a 1.5 hour each way commute on the hell that is 880 in SF Bay. One Friday on the way home in traffic, my carpool mate and I passed a guy in slow traffic who was playing a trumpet while driving. Doing both pretty well, I might add. At this point, nothing would surprise me.

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            My HS band director did that.

    • Terry

      How can you call yourself a real Texan if you are consorting with minorities and commuting in a van pool? Where's your big arsed SUV with the steer horns on the grill?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I'm the stray blueberry in the cherry pie down here.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Is that a reference to the occupants of the vanpool too?

        • Terry

          When I lived in College Stagnation, uh, College Station, my roommate was from San Antonio. Her father was retired Air Force. I went with her there for a weekend visit. We couldn't go to the Riverwalk because "there are Mexicans there". They lived in San Antonio and were afraid to go to the Riverwalk because of "The Mexicans". I found out later that all of their shopping and socializing involved going on base. Where they were safe. From "The Mexicans".

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Joke's on them. There aren't any Mexicans on the Riverwalk, unless they work in the kitchen at the restaurants, or if they are Mexico's 1%ers up here on vacation. Your roomate's dad should have retired out of Hill AFB (Utah) or maybe Minot or Grand Forks (Dakotas); his retirement years would have been a lot less fear-filled.

          • Terry

            Agreed on all counts. That was one strange family.

          • HELisforHEL

            No wonder it's beautiful–the racists don't visit.

            How on earth did her dad survive in the military? Isn't it overrun with the blahs and browns? No offense–her dad sounds like a class 1 pussy.

    • eggsacklywright

      What lucky ladies. Baldar handles delicate subjects with impeccable taste.

      • tessiee

        All of us here got plenty'a finesse.
        *burp*

        • eggsacklywright

          Indeed. Refinement up the wazoo.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Yep. I'm like the Velvet Jones of south central Texas.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Romney was following the old GOP playbook of promising the moon to the 1%, while appealing to the base instincts of enough other people to bamboozle them into voting against their own best interests.

    • Loch_Nessosaur

      I thought Leroy Newton was the one promising the moon.

    • glasspusher

      You mean that strategy has only gotten the popular vote in one of the last 6 prez elections? I am shocked, shocked!

      • TheMightyHaltor

        I know, but it comes way closer to working than it ever should.

        • Hera Sent Me

          That's what scares me.

        • glasspusher

          Yeah, there's the conundrum: Do we keep the repubs close enough to think their failed strategy will work again, sucking in lots of clueless people (but not enough to win) to vote for them? I have a conflict of interest here, I would like to enlighten these poor souls. What's a girl to do?

    • glesslib

      Would it be okay if I made a pillow for my couch with this comment emblazoned on it? Best sum up I've read so far.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Nice legacy you got there, Mittens. Don't do anything to screw it up…oops, too late.

  • Terry

    Yeah, it's too bad Mitt that you weren't the embodiment of Joseph Smith's White Horse Prophesy like everyone has been telling you all your life.

    Go back to picking over the carcasses of businesses like the preening scavenger you are.

    • UW8316154

      Does this mean that maybe Missurah *isn't* the Promised Land, either?

  • solrobins6

    I used a lot of "merican words, we may be able to get some conservatives to sign it without reading it.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Bwahaha. This is starting to get good. Impotent narcissist is impotently narcissistic.

  • HRH_Maddie

    Hard to believe this prick only lost by like 3 million votes.

    • kittensdontlie

      Unfortunately, the disasterous lesson of the Bush years, is a history we will be repeating.

  • SorosBot

    Oh that was so unfair of Obama, actually having government do its fucking job and provide some of what is every government's most basic responsibility to provide for its citizens instead of just letting people die for being poor!

    • glasspusher

      Even my far right wing bro in law in NJ gave Bamz props for how quick he was on the job after Sandy

    • Geminisunmars

      That is positively anti-Darwinian. Oh, wait…

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Anyone ask if he filed a second amended tax return to get his $4M overpayment back?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      No need to ask.

  • memzilla

    Just the fact that Rmoney & Company looks at Affordable Health Care, and Education, and Civil Rights, and Women's Rights as "bribes," says all that needs to be said about the Rethuglican Party in 2012.

    Also: your developers really really really need to reprogram your (lack of human) emotion chip.

    • BadKitty904

      A very nice (and sadly accurate) summary of the Rethug POV, that.

  • eggsacklywright

    Poor Mittz, with a fistful of dolores.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    With that in mind, is it any wonder the Los Angeles Times was able to surreptitiously listen in on a Romney conference call, and come back with just the right gifts for the rest of us?

    "Surreptitiously"? The call was publicly available to all media.

    • sewollef

      You've just spoilt the storyline now.

      Thanks a bunch!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Illusion shattering….just another service offered by Actor212 Enterprises¹

        ¹ A Cayman Islands corporation

  • tessiee

    "the anti-government warriors scraping by month to month on their disability checks"

    This?
    *kisses bunched-together fingertips*
    I had to stop reading to post how awesome this is.

    • DCBloom

      Keep your government paws off my medicare!

      • Esteev

        And my FEMA payments!

  • jjdaddyo

    Saw this in the LAT yesterday and could not BELIEVE how rich white-guy douchey he sounded. This guy learned nothing during his 10-year campaign to be President.
    I think we can all agree that it was an excellent day in American history when this guy was not elected.

    • BadKitty904

      The utter lack of any sort of contact with reality IS kind of breath-taking, isn't it?

      • WootInTarnation

        Breath-taking in the way that you can't breathe when you're projectile vomiting. Yes.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dude can't count votes, he should just shut the fuck up and go count his money.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      He doesn't want to count his money. He wanted to be preznit. It was supposed to be his destiny, gosh darn it. He believed it would be so it should be.

      It seem to me that poor emotionally crippled and ultra douchebag Mittens just found out that money isn't everything.

    • Lizzietish81

      Please, he has people to count his money for him.

      • Esteev

        He doesn't have much distain for those foreigners.

  • HRH_Maddie

    GO AWAY ALREADY! Doesn't Romney have a Scrooge-McDuck-style pit of money he could be diving around in?

  • SorosBot

    The Republicans are showing their true colors here; Obama only one by turning out large numbers of minority, women and young voters, which is apparently somehow unfair; it's almost as if these assholes think that only the votes of old white men should really count.

    • memzilla

      That's what they really mean when they talk of the Constitution's "Original Intent." But you knew that already.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Bingo, and sucks to be me not reading the existing comments before commenting myself.

      "EVERYONE ELSE SUCKS BECAUSE THEY LIKE POLICIES THAT THEY LIKE" is not really a trenchant analysis of why Willard lost the election.

      • SorosBot

        But see, according to the right-wing activist the GOP shouldn't abandon it's hateful positions, but just needs to find candidates who can sell their horrible message better!

        • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

          The uppity nigras and lazy beaners would see the sense of being poor and oppressed if only we could find a good-looking nigra and beaner in suits to explain it to them.

    • FakaktaSouth

      America's a Melting Pot with vaginas? The hell you say. Get thee to the land owning, bitches.

    • tessiee

      Yeah, "almost as if".

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      This reminds me of a friend's son who lamented about the A's his classmates received in high school.
      "But it's not fair," he whined, "they studied, and did their homework!"

  • Aridzona

    Sads and pathetics.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    He should have used his French Underground nom de derp, Harry b'Hole.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      I believe he studied at the Sore Bone.

  • synykyl

    For a party that believes acting in your own self interest is the highest moral principle, all this whining about people voting in their own self interest seems a bit hypocritical.

    • tessiee

      Hey, YEAH!
      $: – /

  • ChrisM2011

    So let me get this straight: People voted for a man who created programs that directly benefited them? What an asshole!

    • BadKitty904

      You mean, kinda like what Rmoney's plutocrat supporters were planning on doing?

      • ChrisM2011

        Ha! Mitt couldn't wait to re-flip on that one. "Did I say I was for 100% of Americans? How silly of me…"

    • Esteev

      The system is assuredly broke. Like all those freeloaders!

    • GoodDogThor

      Doesn't Obama know he should be trying to drown himself in a bathtub?!?!

      Day 1 of the Rmoney administration, Mitt and Paul sacrifice themselves (with votes?) to save the government from having to pay their salary. Win-win!

  • Goonemeritus

    To still be lying when there isn’t election to win makes him seem kind of pathological. I know he’s butthurt and I accept that politics is a rough and tumble sport but for fuck sake he has no possibility of future in politics

    • sewollef

      And that's so odd, since unemployable, pathological, lying douchebag seems like the perfect requirement for a republican in congress, no?

    • BadKitty904

      Where's the "personal responsibility," Mittens?

    • UW8316154

      Ahhh…..but cyber-spawn TAGG certainly does.

      • viennawoods13

        Tagg 2020!!

    • glamourdammerung

      To still be lying when there isn’t election to win makes him seem kind of pathological.

      This is the same guy that did not "get" why people were horrified about his jokes about mistreating his dog. There is clearly something not working right there.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    You can imagine for somebody making $25—, or $30—, or $35,000 a year,

    No you can't, Mittens.

    • SorosBot

      Sure he can; he calls those people "the help".

      • Geminisunmars

        I'm sure he doesn't pay them anywhere near that.

  • tessiee

    Romney's campaign is the gift that keeps on giving.
    Massive sense of entitlement plus inability to function outside the bubble plus refusal to learn from past mistakes plus nonstop tone-deaf gaffes = schaedenfreude-gasm for wonketteverse

    • thatsitfortheother1

      That is, indeed, a gift that Bamz has given us.

  • Lizzietish81

    But Mittens did accomplish what he was going for.

    He was appealing to the rich white male vote and he got it.

    • Goonemeritus

      No in fact he didn’t the richest counties in the country went for Obama. Obama held the educated electorate. Sure he got the majority of white males but don’t confuse white with rich. His campaign was meant to divide the working poor from the traditional poor and yes he relied on racism. It didn’t work which makes me smile.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    All those gifts to the blacks and the hispanics and the young and the women are still going to cost us a whole lot less than the gifts Mitt would have lavished on his peer group had he won.

  • fawkedifiknow

    I'd almost forgotten why I hated him and his twatwaffle running mate already, just a week after the election. Thanks for reinforcing my opinion of those dickwads.

  • samsuncle

    It looks like Romney is closing in on McCain as the sorest looser in the last two presidential election cycles.

    • SorosBot

      Come now; while McCain was a sore loser, he was nothing like his running mate, still the sorest of them all.

  • MMathS

    As a member of the grammar snob voting bloc, here's the gift Barry gave me: I don't have to hear Mittens say "in regards to" any more.

    • Geminisunmars

      We think he is irregardless, don't we.

    • viennawoods13

      If you will.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Romney could at least be creative and blame Hurricane Sandy or space aliens.

    • snowpointsecret

      Instead of space aliens, he probably blames illegal aliens.

    • BadKitty904

      Just wait a bit – he's getting there…

    • Lizzietish81

      They were blaming Hurricane Sandy right away, saying it broke his momentum.

      In New York…which was totally going to vote for him.

      • SorosBot

        And which ignores the fact that the momentum was already headed straight Obama's way, with Mittens' post-debate bounce long over by the time Sandy hit.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      What? And intrude on Ross Perot's turf?

      Professional courtesy, my friend!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    I didn't realize that Romneycare in Massachusetts excluded everyone who isn't white.

  • snowpointsecret

    Gifts. Or as the rest of the world calls them, "policies".

    • Esteev

      Bingo. Tax cuts are the real gifts.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I'm sorry, maybe I missed something here…

    Mitt who?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You know, the guy married to Her.

      • Mittens Howell, III

        You know, her, on the horse.

        • thatsitfortheother1

          The one with that fuggin shirt.

  • sudsmckenzie

    "I regret that I have but one – no two, heinously funded, dishonest campaigns to give to My Country".

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Why are they bothering using exclusionary excuses? It would be far simpler to say "there aren't enough white middled-aged-and-above males for us to win"

    Honestly, these goddamn fools are going to wake up one day – but hopefully not for a while.

    • Lizzietish81

      Because that would be racist.

    • not that Dewey

      HO HO! Welcome back! How did I miss this?

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Because good things come in subtle packages?

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        Couldn't miss my favourite snark-o-rama for the election!

        • not that Dewey

          No, I suppose not. Well, cheers! We won!

          • Fukui-sanYesOta

            Not only did we win very handily, ol' Mittens and his gang of sycophantic echo-chamber lunatics didn't see it coming. Which is a beautiful thing.

  • Terry

    Mitt and the GOP'ers don't realize that minorities, women, students, etc, WILL vote for a white guy is he's not a heartless rat fucker out to screw them over.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yes, minorities and women have such a terrible voting record when it comes to the first 43 presidents. They only voted for the black guy all those years.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Because of Barry Bamz' re-election, Mitt will also be forced to lay off his car elevator operator.

    • pepperpat

      I hope he doesn't break a sweat pushing the buttons himself.

  • Selfish_T

    "I totally would've won if Obama hadn't done all that stuff that appeals to all those voters."

  • glasspusher

    All the President's Presents?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Mitt is probably really wishing he'd had one or two daughters with clamshell bikini bod's to pimp out for saving face.

    It' o.k., he lost, he can let it all hang out now! I really wonder why he would hold back at this point. We've seen the "dirty deeds" side of Mittens, now how about the Naughty side~

    • UW8316154

      Naughty Mittens => sneaking a taste of coffee ice cream

  • Redgyal

    Does Europe have a return policy? If so what is the limit? Two hundred, three or four hundred years?

  • sbj1964

    Mitt having Little Eddie Munster looking Paul Ryan aka voucher boy on the ticket killed in Florida.What was Charles Mason to busy to be your VP?

    • pepperpat

      Mason? Or Manson?

    • BoroPrimorac

      He killed in Pennsylvania and the rust belt as well.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    By taking our minds off of Ann Romeny's cunt, Mittroid reminds us at the end of the day, he is really Ann Romney's cunt.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      He's her asshole, too!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    It's way easier to blame everyone else than your "Fuck everyone but rich people" plan.

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    "You can imagine for somebody making $25—, or $30—, or $35,000 a year…" but only if you try really hard hahaha. amirite?!? Hell, I can't remember the last day I didn't make at least $35k.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

    With regards to African American voters, ‘Obamacare’ was a huge plus — and was highly motivational to African American voters. You can imagine for somebody making $25—, or $30—, or $35,000 a year[…] Likewise with Hispanic voters, free healthcare was a big plus.

    1) People making 25-35k a year typically have full-time, if very shitty, jobs, so the notion that they somehow are getting "free" or "unearned" health care makes you a shithead.

    2) Nothing racist about treating "poor" and "black/latino" as an identity with each other, no sir.

    I'm not sure I want to live in a country that gave this asshole even a 4.5% chance to win on Election day, not to mention 47% (HA!) of the popular vote.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Goddamit, it's been over a week and that fucking "Walking On Sunshine" song still won't leave.

  • tessiee

    “The Obama campaign was following the old playbook of giving a lot of stuff to groups that they hoped they could get to vote for them and be motivated to go out to the polls, specifically the African American community, the Hispanic community and young people,”

    I don't think it can fairly be considered "progress" if your party updates its talking points from "n***ers want handouts" to "n***ers and Mexicans want handouts".

    • One_who_wanders

      They are broadening their outreach. . . .

  • Oblios_Cap

    He didn't have to drop by. I still loathe him.

  • snowpointsecret

    It's sad that he's called mittens.

    Mittens are cute (when they're not old, rich, or white)

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh for crying out loud, Mittens. Your stupid fucking remarks even managed to piss off Bobby Jindal. Way to go, you moran.

    • BadKitty904

      Now, that there is a mighty sad statement, indeed.

  • southernboyman

    Did everyone get a catalog or something? Where the hell do I place my order?

  • http://www.marionstein.net Ground Zero Mostel

    Obama not only gave away the store to blacks, Latinos, young people and the womens, but he was also a complete slut when it came to the olds — promising to keep social security and medicare, and the near-olds — promising not to change medicare into a coupon program in 5 or so years. Then there was all the stuff he was throwing at the middle class like the gift of continued fancy dancy tax shelters for people who own homes or were saving to send their kids to college. Plus, veterans! Like serving their country wasn't enough!

    Poor Romney. Why were the majority of voters so selfish? Why didn't they understand the unfairness of taxing people like him? Haven't he and Egg been taxed enough? After all he's done for them! Like the Olympics. And then there was the Olympics. And hey, what about the Olympics thing which they gave him like a zillion dollars to manage. Didn't he do alright on that? And Romneycare, ur, no never mind the Romneycare but look how well he managed the Olympics.

    • BadKitty904

      I'm still curious about all this "giving" BS. Where does he think federal revenues come from? It's OUR damn money!

  • Gorillionaire

    This is going to be a huge set back for his next Presidential campaign.

    • BadKitty904

      I dunno. I think it's gonna take more than four years to wash the fail-stank off this 'un…

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    Mitt's still having trouble with the maths. The problem with appealing to the Top 1% (and racists/assholes) is that the Top 1% is outnumbered 99 to 1. I'll have to get back to you on the non-asshole to asshole ratio, but my guess is it's closer to 3 to 2.

  • GlowneyHouse

    Election Day eve..
    "Your revolution is over, Mr. Obama! Condolences! The bums lost!"

    Today:

    "It's funny. I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome. I've accomplished more than most men, and without the use of the 47%. What. . . What makes a President, Mr. Obama?

  • Lizzietish81

    Ah the party of personal responsibility, blaming everyone else for their failure.

    Good thing too, my Schadenfreude buzz was starting to die down.

    • ChapterUndVerse

      The pundits at Politico wrote "The Republicans are for free enterprise, but not free people. And that is their fundamental problem."

      Actually, their fundamental problem is that they think corporations are people, and that people are liabilities.

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    "Otherwise, the nation might slowly forget you ever existed. "

    Can someone please clue John McCain in on this as well?

  • mavenmaven

    OT: I just arrived in China. I can't get Facebook, but I can read Wonkette! 真棒!

    • Oblios_Cap

      你真幸運 !

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Is Wonkette upside down…down there?

      • BoroPrimorac

        Sideways.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Slanted? (me so bad)

      • mavenmaven

        I will do the requisite field work and let you all know…

    • Guppy

      "CommieGirl" isn't just a nickname!

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      why would you want to get FB?

  • hagajim

    Man these fuckers just don't get it. The world changed and they changed too – the wrong fucking way! I was listening to a bunch of young Repugs on NPR this morning and they all said the party doesn't need to moderate, it just needs to make sure people understand its platform and what they stand for….um….I think we got it assholes.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

      They really don't get it–the more people understand their policies the less they like them.

      • SorosBot

        It's great, these idiots continue believing that conservatism can't fail and instead blame the messenger. No, hon, people got the message, they just don't want it; your ideas are incredibly unpopular, but living in the echo chamber you just don't get it. So they'll probably double-down and bring on more unelectable far-right candidates next time too.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          That's what I'm hoping for. If these fucks would listen to Darwin, they would understand about adaptation and the survival of the fittest ideas.

        • WootInTarnation

          I keep hoping they'll stick with this delusional, but psychologically soothing plan to become MORE conservative. And maybe insult massive swaths of the electorate even more baldly and offensively.

          But think of how heart-achingly long 4 years of corruption and spin is in the minds of TV-watching voters. There's still a chance that someone somehow will convince Turd Blossom to keep on swinging.

          After all, he's still relatively young and he's consumed with ambition. The capper is that The Evil live very long lives in this country as a result of 1) having the best medical care Western socialist democracies offer (politicians), 2) Being obscenely rich through inheritance and scoundrelly business practice, and 3) the perverse Evil-enabled Longevity Gene.

          Remember Strom Thurmond in his wheelchair snoring though sessions in the Senate? His aides/cronies would wheel him in and park him for his 6-hour nap then do his voting for him. That obscenely immoral behavior lasted until he finally croaked at 104. God, I hated that bastard.

      • HELisforHEL

        They really don't get it–the more people understand their policies them the less they like them.

        /fixed

  • not that Dewey

    How did the LA Times typist manage to write the phrase "Romney’s frank analysis" with a straight face?

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    Never fails. Even when the wealthiest, most despicable people lose, don't they always still try to find a way to win?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Don't feel bad, Mitt. You did get elected President of old, white Amerikkka.

  • IncenseDebate

    He is the Biggest Loser.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Quoting his concession speech,"At a time like this, we can't risk partisan bickering and political posturing." Well, that was over a week ago.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

    I'm pretty sure Mitt Romney is not aware that some people make even less than $25,000 a year.

    • UW8316154

      Those freeloaders! Just imagine!

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

        Mitt Romney has to imagine, having never spoken to or looked directly at one of them.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Hell, I don't think he is aware that some people make less than $250k/yr. And they are (gasp!) allowed to vote.

    • Esteev

      Imagine a life in which you haven't tasted caviar… The Horror.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    The Obama campaign was following the old playbook of giving a lot of stuff to groups that they hoped they could get to vote for them

    Nice try douchebag. Obama was following the old playbook of GETTING THE MOST VOTES. You didn't get the most votes. Them's the breaks. Deal with it.

    Schmuck.

  • Respitetini

    Maybe, when all those dumb places secede, he can be the Preznit 4 Lyf of Jesusland.

  • UW8316154

    But how does this affect Rafalca??

    • bloggingbalkanistan

      I don't know, but I assuming there's going to be enough glue to hold together the binding of Mitt's upcoming magazine for the forseeable future

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    All the Egg's horses and all the media's men…
    Couldn't put Mitt back together again.

  • ingloriousbytch

    Can you imagine what kind of a dick this guy would be if he drank?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, that thought crossed my mind, but tangentially. I thought to myself, "What's the point of getting real rich if all you're going to do is go to church and not get fucked up on really good booze and coke and high-end call girls and jetting off to Mallorca for the weekend?" What a fucking wasted life.

      • WootInTarnation

        I'm all about the travel and the drugs. But if I were as wealthy as he, I know I'd derive significant pleasure from donating enough money to not only keep public libraries open, but to expand them. I would also enjoy giving a ton of money to the public schools.

        No question, he'd be a violent angry drunk with a penchant for spousal and child abuse. Remember when his campaign tried to humanize him by pushing the image of Mitt the prankster? (Tone-deaf again! Who would have guessed it?) His sons and his friends chuckled as they described one of his favorite pranks: holding up a stick of butter and asking, "Does this smell off to you?" then smashing the butter in their faces. Yeah. Somehow I knew that before it was ever brought to my attention. He also loved to shove his kids faces into their cereal bowls. What a card!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Noah_Hegemon

    The dick that keeps on dicking.

    • Esteev

      The cock that keeps on sucking?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Say, you know who else blamed his country's woes on a minority group?

    • BadKitty904

      Old King Pharaoh?

    • snowpointsecret

      The Pope?

    • Esteev

      Jefferson Davis?

  • GeorgiaMike

    Golly gee, Willard, didn't you ever figure that you lost because folks didn't, well, respect you all that much? That they didn't think eliminating jobs to increase share value wasn't that important a skill for a president? That maybe they wanted a president who at least tried to appeal to everyone's better angels instead of just 53 percent?

    Probably not. You probably think folks didn't appreciate Egg or Tagg Palin Romney. It certainly makes it easier to live out your remaining years if you don't blame yourself.

  • AutomaticPilot

    I heard RMoney's voice on the radio this morning and was reminded how much I hate it. I am so glad I don't have to listen to that 1950s-era filmstrip narrator voice for the next 4 years. Oh, and his policies suck, too.

    • WootInTarnation

      As a reader of The Times stated, "We dodged a bullet there. Thank FSM." We sure as fuck did.

  • neiltheblaze

    Republicans are incapable of accepting responsibility for their own failures. Nothing new, I know, but even defeat teaches them nothing. It's really quite extraordinary how adept they are at complete, utter, denial.

  • JustPixelz

    "The Obama campaign was following the old playbook of giving a lot of stuff to groups…"

    Sounds like he's been brainwashed by Fux News.

    Speaking of giving away stuff, Romney promised everyone a big huge ginormous tax cut that would magically cut the deficit.

    Ultimately, of course, the control-freak God that can create rape pregnancies and hurricanes to punish teh gheys … that God wanted Obama to win.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

      "Sounds like he's been brainwashed by Fux News."

      Honestly, I've been leaning on that theory ever since the story about how his campaign was Unskewing the Polls. Specifically, the campaign's internal polls.

      • SorosBot

        Now, be fair; Mitt may have been "unskewing" the polls because he knew he had to win because Joseph Smith's White Horse Prophecy says he was going to be president.

      • MosesInvests

        I figured that out when he tried to use that talking point about POTUS not calling the Benghazi attack "terrorism". He was absolutely sure that he had something there.

  • not that Dewey

    Dividing the inheritance equally among his heirs…

  • EarnestTaxpayer

    Free Stuff! Like voting rights! And equity in my home! And now I can pay for my young adult son to be on my health insurance! FREESTUFF !

  • James Michael Curley

    Why would anyone listen to this idiot, even to hear hims say something idiotic?

    • Lizzietish81

      Cause they're racist, bigoted, super greedy assholes too.

  • ckinsobe

    This gives me an idea for gift giving during the upcoming Holidays.
    Baskets filled with Obamagifts®

    Brass knuckles for punching Grover
    Shot Glasses with Boheners face on the bottom
    Slut Pills for all
    Obamaphones® that robocall Tea Pottiers with:
    a) Kenyan Marxist Islamist plots to take over govmt.
    b) We're coming to take your guns away Ha-haaaa (sung to the Dr.Demento tune)
    c) Announcements about socialist high speed rail and bike paths coming to their neighborhoods.
    d) Other scary things

    Any suggestions?

    • Esteev

      Coupon for "Get five free abortions get five more free"?

    • HELisforHEL

      I so want my Obamaphone®

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Dear God,
    Could you please go ahead and give Mitten's his own planet now?
    Thx! Love Ya!
    BSFD

    PS – If you could make it a gas giant with extra methane I would really owe you one.

  • DixvilleCrotch

    Mittens, chin up! Just "fine tune the message" and try, try again in 2016, 2020, etc. (For our amusement.)

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Wow, what a dick.

  • thatsitfortheother1

    "Mitt Romney Drops By To Make Sure You Still Loathe Him"

    It worked.

  • Jerri

    Meh. I'm holding out for my free government cadillac. I want heated seats, Bammerz!

  • TootsStansbury

    Don't go away mad Willard. Just go away. I still loathe you and always will. HAHAHAHA.

  • LibertyLover

    Nope. I don't miss him yet.
    Or ever.

  • Mahousu

    So basically Romney is saying that Obama's policies are (a) successful; and (b) won't be repealed ("in perpetuity"). See, he's not wrong about everything.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Politics, how do they work?

  • DahBoner

    Shorter Mitch Romney: Poor people don't know how to spend money so GIVE IT UP FUCKERS

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Wow — characterizing sound policy that prevents people from death or bankruptcy as a result of not being able to pay for medical care as a giveaway — and fuck, even Mitt knows that it's not free to anybody — it's merely affordable now. Which counters the previous policy that the free market didn't give a shit about you if it didn't make enough profit.

    Not that I'm surprised — this is the same outlook and worldview that led to Mitt and Paul Ryan being "shellshocked" when they found out they'd lost Ohio, Florida, Virginia, New Hampshire, Colorado and New Mexico, not to mention the rest of the United States.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    So sad this billionaire's sock puppet didn't get elected, I hear it was his time, too.

  • Esteev

    The question remains: Is Mitt still master of his domain?

  • mbobier

    Hey, Obama kept his word! There's a unicorn in my front yard right now! Best free stuff evah!

  • CommieDad

    This is beautiful. As a Democrat, I believe that Government is a force for accomplishing things that the private market is not able to do. To say that healthcare is a gift to the poor is…

    fuck it.

    Health care? A gift? That's so fucking evil I don't know where to start. We all have the right to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. Without health care, we lose all fucking three. In what reality is it OK to deny these basic rights to people who are poor? Mittens, thank you for this call. You are fucking evil.

    Sorry. Health care debate makes me mad. I don't like killing people.

  • sullivanst

    Yep, that'll do it. Well played, Mitt, well played.

    Not that there was much danger I'd ever stop loathing Mitt, it's just it was in danger of settling down to embers of loathing suitable for baking a potato wrapped in foil, rather than the burning heat of a thousand suns passionate hatred his campaign of lies oft inspired.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Few people know that Mitt was trying to get in on running China too. Lost there also.
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-china-203222

  • Esteev

    Obviously, the voters failed Mitt. The opposite would take too much self awareness.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Yep. He still makes me seethe-y. And he's still clueless and delusional.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Secede, Mitt. We'll even help you pack. The Caymans are lovely at Christmas, I'm told.

  • Blunderthing

    So Romney sez Obamz won cuz he gave college sluts free rubbers and BC pillz, and 26yr oldz got the free health care on their parents' moochy dimes, also Messicans got lots of free stuff too and DREAM acts and all 'at. Which means, basically, Oh poop,whine, whine, I lost because Dad always gives moochers the best toys.

  • http://www.marionstein.net Ground Zero Mostel

    And another thing: Maybe just maybe using Obama's "slow the rising of the ocean" along with wanting to destroy FEMA kinda backfired after Sandy, especially when your lame response was to collect some canned food and talk about America's spirit of private charity. Just fucking be a man and take some personal responsibility.

  • docterry6973

    No, Mitt. Buying an election involves cigar-smoking ward heelers handing out Jacksons to the locals and pointing them towards the polling station. This is hard to do on a national scale.

    Certain cities keep the practice alive just to entertain tourists. Kind of like Disneyland.

  • Walter_White

    Yep, still Loathing with a capital "L", but really hating on Mitch McConnell. Wish we still had Reconstruction so he could just be arrested.

    • HELisforHEL

      Good gawd I despise that fucking turtle.

  • Eve8Apples

    Obama promised me that if I voted for him, he would make Mittens shut the fuck up and go away forever. That was enough to sway my vote.

  • Eve8Apples

    Obama promised me that if I voted for him, he would protect my vagina from disgusting, perverted old white men who want to shove probes up my hoo-hoo. That was enough to win my vote.

  • TribecaMike

    OT, but I predict that Time Magazine's Person of the Year will be either Confirmation Bias or False Equivalence.

  • UnionSpies

    Considering progressives abandoned Bamz in droves of apathy shortly into his the first term, this shit is music to my ears.

  • finette_

    I am 31 and make a rather pitiful $33,000/year, but I'm white and I do have insurance, so I guess I don't get an Obama gift? But whadda ya know, I voted for him anyway.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Obama won strongly Republican, DuPage County, Illinois. How does that play out in your reality distortion field, Mitt?

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Grover may be getting punched in the dick by Repiglicans already: http://www.salon.com/2012/11/14/is_it_game_over_f

  • smellypossum

    Mitt's magical underpants must be riding up on him and making him cranky, full of shit, and a complete festering asshole.

    What our President (feels good to write that about the Big O) gave these people "specifically the African American community, the Hispanic community and young people" is the dignity of not shitting all over them.

  • lulzmonger

    Shorter Willard: See, everybody? The chicken LIKES it!

  • mustangsavvy

    My hubs and I are Asian and we are Obama supporters – where is the queue for the free Cadillacs, please?

  • Schmegeg

    Here is a guy, this mfer, who has made millions for himself and friends gaming a system set up and maintained by him and his friends. And if a crumb falls off the table the rest of us can claim it shamefully, and take shit while doing it.

    Enough of Romney. Let's resolve that he and his go to the wall first.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Mitt whom?

  • decentcitizen

    This confirms my suspicion that the only reason Romney was the GOP nominee is because he was rich with rich country club friends. He does not understand that having popular policies is an advantage in an election because he's an idiot. A rich idiot but an idiot nonetheless.

  • kingcocrazy

    I'd like to thank MIttens for, in a curious way, bringing me closer to our Lord and Savior. I've lost track of the number of times the last several months I've muttered, "Jesus Christ, what a fucking asshole!"

  • cybermoe

    I miss mitt. Egg, not so much.

  • bloggingbalkanistan

    I think we should all pitch in and buy Bamz a gift,I'd think he'd look pretty snazzy in a Wonkette T, for saving us from 4 years of this douchebag.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    OK, here's the deal. If someone is making between 25,000 and 35,000 per year, especially if that person has a family, there are two types of health care available–Free and None.

    Mitt is outraged that poor people have access to any health care at all.

    Class war anyone?

  • ttommyunger

    I blame Obama for Mitten's defeat!

    • glamourdammerung

      Mitt built that.

      • ttommyunger

        I always blame Obama. You learn that here in Jawja.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

        • glamourdammerung

          "This coffee is stale….DAMN OBAMA!!111!!!"

          Actually, that does sound like some alleged people I know.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    that'll do pig, that'll do.

    • viennawoods13

      Babe libel!!!

  • dennis1943

    Steadfast…….he never disappoints……………….

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    The gift that just keeps on giving.