democracy is for suckers

Petition To Punch Grover Norquist In Dick Removed From White House Petition Site

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pow right in the kisserWell, Wonketteers, we bring you some very depressing news: the petition for “all everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick” has been removed from We The People, the White House’s platform for direct democracy. This saddens us greatly for reasons that should be pretty obvious, do we really need to go into it because we’re pretty broken up about this whole thing. Also saddening for super obvious reasons: someone or someones removed the petition for President Obama to do the hokey pokey. We were going to drown our sorrows in a bottle of vodka but we got over it once we realized the petition to name Wonkette the official mommy blog of the United States of America is still alive and well.

[We The People]

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    Too late, I think it's already been shrunk down to the size where it can drown in the bathtub.

    • Terry

      Have you heard him speak? His testicles never seem to have descended either.

      • 1stNewtontheMoon

        He formulated all his policy positions (consisting of no taxes, ever never ever never infinity) as a child. Not because he was a prodigy but because the policy was childlike in its stupidity. And remarkably, he never developed physically or intellectually beyond the 4th grade so he grew a manly beard.

  • memzilla

    See, they would have left it up there if the petition had read:

    “All everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick… with votes.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Done already.

      • Botlrokit

        Link?

    • teebob2000

      Mission accomplished

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I just can't believe there were only 57 signatures. They must have pulled it down after only a couple of minutes.

    • Terry

      Those 57 votes were all from DNC and White House staffers.

      • not that Dewey

        One from each of the 57 states.

  • sudsmckenzie

    He has a dick?

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Has one and also is one, too.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Just like his circular arguments.

    • Yellerdawg

      Right between his shoulders.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      That's probably why it was taken down.

    • hollywooddood

      I know, right? How can they tell?

    • Tommy1733

      Yes, and I am sure it does not get taxed much.

  • LibertyLover

    I don't know about the rest of the wonketteers, but I would never let my mom come to this blog….

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      My mom's dead, so I'm sure she's lurking.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Mine too, but I'm sure that her zombieness would like more Nixon jokes.

      • LibertyLover

        "Dead Mom Lurking" sounds like a great name for a grunge band.

      • UW8316154

        My mom has late-stage Alzhiemers, but back in the day? She would have seen the humor in a place like this.

    • Botlrokit

      I would now that I don't follow her belief system, or share her ideals. It would do her good, I'd imagine.

      • LibertyLover

        I'm a disappointment to my mom, as well. ;-)

        • Botlrokit

          A hesitant, crestfallen, yet empathic and unanimous upfist for you!

    • Terry

      Mine would rather enjoy it.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      My mom would like it except for all the cursing. It's a sign of low intelligence, you know.

      • NDeeeZ

        Fuck, yeah!

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Too late! Eat your vegetables, son or daughter.

    • shelwood46

      My mom introduced me to Wonkette. She's awesome.

    • wondering where i am

      I am your mom. And I am here already. Hee hee hee.

    • fishwharf

      My mom would have hated it. Fox News lost its biggest fan when she passed away in 2009.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Let's start a petition to raise Grover's taxes.

    • LibertyLover

      I would vote for that.

    • BadKitty904

      A Sensible Policy for a Better America.

    • Cleopatriot

      Yeah!

  • NDeeeZ

    I can hit pretty hard (with votes,) but I'm gonna need a bigger target…

    • BadKitty904

      And gloves, because ew.

  • LibertyLover

    Grover of Sesame Street never uses the word "poopyhead" to describe anyone….

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Spoiler alert: The monster at the end of the book is actually Grover.

    • sudsmckenzie

      The call is coming from in your caucus.

      • LibertyLover

        Are you sure it isn't coming from the lobby?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Cleveland libel.

  • IncenseDebate

    Isn't this in the Bill of Rights already?

  • YerMa

    I'm starting a petition to put it back.

    • Gleem McShineys

      His dick? Come to think of it, he does sound a little like the guy singing Detachable Penis…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They probably pulled it because of the typo in the title.

    • MissTaken

      Yeah, I don't think hairy, unbleached asshole is spelled d-i-c-k

    • eggsacklywright

      Wrong font size. Or perhaps wrong fontanelle?

    • Gleem McShineys

      Whitehouse Pulls Grover Norquist's Dick

      Saw it on the internet. TRUE

  • MissTaken

    11/15/12
    The Day Democracy Died

    Never Forget.

    • BadKitty904

      America, you bitch, etc.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Let's secede!

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Wonkette nation. Mandatory buttsex and gay abortions for all.

        • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

          And free stuff!

          • Esteev

            I gotta pay for the buttsechs?

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            No! Everything's free now!

    • JustPixelz

      NO! I set up a counter-petition to repeal the 22nd Amendment so Obama can be elected to a third (or fourth!) term.
      http://wh.gov/XKK6

  • solrobins6

    ITS OK GUYS I GOT THIS SHIT YO!
    https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/reinsta

    • IncenseDebate

      You rank with the greats – Madison, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Jenna Jameson!

      • solrobins6

        Lincoln has some bigass titties. And Jameson freed the slaves

      • sudsmckenzie

        This is Plouffe on his vacation.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I tip my hat to you for your ingenuity.

      • solrobins6

        And I steal that hat, and run away with it. What now?

        I got your hat.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          No biggie…I'll just fold up another newspaper!

          • solrobins6

            And I took that one too!

            ALL YOUR HATS ARE BELONG TO THE ME

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Damn…I need to find your mom and have her sit on my head.

          • solrobins6

            Then I would own my mom. And I would set her free, because fuck slavery yo

          • Tommy1733

            Waste of paper – do what I do and use foil.

    • memzilla

      I wish you an upfisty p-ness rocket for this.

    • BadKitty904

      Vox populi…

    • EatsBabyDingos

      I am going to vote after I sign in my new White House handle, "Harry P. Ness," formerly known as Grover Norquist.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Something from the banks of the Boneyard Creek?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Polly Morphus is on board! (But I didn't realize the last name is hidden – just an initial. I've just have to do better next time.)

      Whee the People!

    • Vecchiojohn

      I signed. How soon before the FBI starts sending me obscene pictures?

      • Guppy

        You don't get them already?

    • Mojopo

      It's gone!

  • IncenseDebate

    What if we changed the wording to "ballz" or "nutz?"

    • eggsacklywright

      Try "testicular appendages."

  • BadKitty904

    Conspiracy!

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    Grover is a dick, perhaps the first dick to have a dick. So if you punch him in the dick it's kind of redundant, also.

    • memzilla

      … but satisfyingly redundant.

    • BenGleck

      So punch ALL of him.

  • memzilla

    At least it would make a good bumper sticker:

    —– DON'T BLAME ME —–
    I Voted for Grover Dick Punch

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Vote early and vote often, with your feet, and with your fist and votes, also.

    • peaceocrap

      Grover Dick Punch never goes over very well at the school dances, even after it's laced.

  • Botlrokit

    Grover Norquist is first in the long line of dick punches I want.

  • bflrtsplk

    Grover don`t have a dick..Ergo, punching him there is impossible. Ergo, petition to punch him there is superfluous.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I like how they said dick, cause with a voice that high and grating, you know he ain't got no balls. Also, I could totally come up with more of these guys to dick punch than there are states to secede.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    We were going to drown our sorrows in a bottle of vodka but we got over it once we realized the petition to name Wonkette the official mommy blog of the United States of America is still alive and well.

    Excuse me, but official "Mommy/COMEDY blog of the United States," if you please.

    We need to get Ol' Handsome Joe Biden to endorse this petition.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    With votes?

  • hollywooddood

    I pledge allegiance to punching Grover Norquist in the dick.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      And the pleasure that it stands for, too.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Hell, I'd even leave the "Under God" phrase in there.

    • MegPasadena

      I would let everyone else have the pleasure instead.
      The feeling of Grover's balls against our hands? Even with pants on. Gross!

  • sudsmckenzie

    can we "Ultra Sound" him?

    • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

      I would recommend a cystoscopy. Ultrasound is too non-invasive for dudes.

      • sudsmckenzie

        I only watch disgusting "Katie" Couric videos. All of them.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If everybody punched him in the dick, he'd end up with a bloody nose, black eyes, split lip, broken jaw, and cauliflower ear. That's right. Dickhead.

    • BadKitty904

      And that would be a problem…how?

    • tessiee

      I see nothng to object to there.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    How do you punch anyone square in the dick? The only hole punches I've ever seen are all round!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Google "square paper punch." Ya learn something new every day here at Wonkette!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Well, I'll be….

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    Grover Norquist has formally requested that all punches be delivered to his dick, sinnce if you were to punch him in the nose you might break his finger, too.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Same problem with kicking him in the ass.

  • BadKitty904

    What kinda name is "Grover Norquist," anyways? Surely, that's an alias.

    (And yes, I called y'all "Shirley")

    • memzilla

      It sounds… French.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Norquist's closet name is Shirley? Does Lindsey know?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Shirley U. Jest?

  • EnnuiThereYet?

    Save energy: line Reince Priebus up behind him and get two dicks with one punch.

    • BadKitty904

      "Reince Priebus" – again with the weird-ass names. "Reince Priebus" sounds a space-villain in one of the old "Johnny Quest" episodes…

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Reince Priebus behind him might be cruel and unusual punishment to some, but not me, not today, also.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The White House took this down? They must have gone behind Bamz's back, because I'm sure he's one of the 57 that signed it.

  • Trannysurprise

    You can just tell from looking at this toad that it has a tiny, tiny dick.

    It would take some military precision shit to hit it.

  • Major Thom

    Grover is a DILP (Dick I'd like to punch). I'm copyrighting this as I type.

    • Tommy1733

      I approve this message.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

    This has been a terrible couple of weeks for both Elmo and Grover alike. The difference being, Elmo totally didn't deserve it.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Sustained!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Are you saying the Koch brothers have their hands way-up Grover's ass?

  • neiltheblaze

    What dick?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Nixon, the one you're not supposed to change in the middle of a screw.

  • solrobins6
    • Guppy

      We need a petition to reinstate the petition to reinstate the petition to all everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick!

    • UnionSpies

      Didn't see it but while I was up there I signed the petitions for a couple of the Red States to secede.

  • SnarkOff

    IF YOU PUSSIES HAD JUST SHARED THIS WITH YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS, THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!!!111!!!!! BUT NOOOOOOOO!!!1!!

    • LibertyLover

      I regret that I can only upfist you once for this!

    • YouFail4eva

      It took a year to teach myself how to use the computer, but I spend all my time searching for articles for you. So Fuck you, and get of the fucking Internet!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't know if I'd want any of my extremities near his junk.

  • LibertyLover

    Can we start a petition to see Grover's birth certificate?

    Can we start one to see Donald Trump's grades?

    • Lizzietish81

      fuck that, how about an IRS audit on both of them?

  • memzilla

    Now this is a petition.

    • Botlrokit

      Collective actions are people, too, my friends.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Bring back public pillories!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "Where are the warblogs of yesteryear?" — Captain John No-say-rian

  • MonkeyMotion

    It's difficult to get in a clean punch with Boehner's head in the way.

    • freakishlywrong

      A revolting and well deserved two-fer.

    • PhilippePetain

      Lubricated with tears.

  • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Dude: Hey Grover. How'd you break your hand?
    Norquist: Someone punched my package.

  • Goonemeritus

    Only 57 Americans signed it, that’s a National disgrace.

  • Terry

    A lot of high level RNC donors have been doing this all week to both Norquist and Rove.

  • freakishlywrong

    Is this a great country or what?

    • TootsStansbury

      I wonder if they thought it through when they made this website: America is a smart-ass.

      • freakishlywrong

        Librul America is a smart ass. Wing nut Ameriduh is deadly serious about secession. " No. Please. Don't Go."

        • TootsStansbury

          "Secession" is code for I'm too stupid, lazy and xenophobic to emigrate.

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    I always thought Eric Cantor was his dick, or maybe it's the other way around if you can consider it a reach-around.

  • eggsacklywright

    "I pledge allegiance to the Grover, and the corporations for which he stands….etc."

  • Botlrokit

    OH SNAP

  • OneYieldRegular

    Having to be the moderator for that site would be a job and a half.

    • BadKitty904

      Still, I'm sure they get a MUCH bigger laugh outta this kind of stuff than the usual Teabagger posturing and pontificating.

  • Redgyal

    This is the petition to sign. https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/force-a

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    You know… if there isn't yet a tumblr created to track screencap's of all these petitions' hijinks, I'm gonna wonder why I bothered getting out of bed this morning.

  • tessiee

    We're gonna need a bigger petition.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I hope that when the new taxes are put in place, they call it the Grover Norquist Tax Increase, so it goes down through the ages that way, like "Bush Tax Cuts" and "Obama Care." Only because he would be mortified.

  • tessiee

    Fine. Be that way.
    *starts petition to punch Grover Norquist in the balls*

  • elviouslyqueer

    Okay, since it looks like the whole "punched in the dick" petition isn't going to fly, why don't we go with the original idea of publicly pillorying him? I mean, there's nothing that says you can't, y'know, punch Grover square in his goodie-bits whilst he's just cold hanging in the pillory, amirite? Semantics, people, semantics!

  • tessiee

    We can still punch Mitch McConnell in the dick, though, right?

    • James Michael Curley

      Do it quickly before it recedes into his shell.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Objection. Facts not in evidence.

  • tessiee

    How about we punch one of the Koch Bros. in the dick? That would efficiently allow us to punch Grover Norquist in the mouth at the same time.

    • Vecchiojohn

      Do you think punch him in the Koch would stay up?

    • Tio_Doidinho

      Pointless violence coupled with irony – I like it!

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I thought Grover was toast along with Elmo and Big Bird?

  • kyeshinka

    Make Obama do the Hokey Pokey? Wow. That's….just….really funny…in a 1920s sort of way.

  • WinstonK3

    I love all the secession petitions. The Secession movement is huge with the Tea Baggers right now, and we should encourage them to leave so we don't have to spend our tax dollars propping up the south.

  • solrobins6

    They took it down. I am replacing it with "in the funtime area"

  • Mojopo

    I signed the Wonkette petition and put it on my wall. Right next to Malala.

  • solrobins6
    • Mojopo

      I'm in.

    • Redgyal

      That link does not work.

  • tessiee

    So, the take-away here is that President Obama (oh, how I love typing that!) is NOT going to do the hokey pokey?

    Dang.
    And here I was mentally hearing him narrate the steps as he did them:
    "You put your left foot in. Let me be clear. You put your left foot out…"

    • Mojopo

      You put your (pause) ahhh, your right foot in, and ahhh (pause) you, ahhh, shake it all… about. [Thumb tamped down on fist for punctuation]

  • Redgyal

    Judging by the number of petitions to leave the Union, I would say that the president is still blah. Also sign this petition https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/force-a

    • UnionSpies

      Did you see the petition for North Carolina to STAY in the Union?

      "Bless their hearts…"

      • Redgyal

        Yes I did. Seriously, this secession drama is only highlighting what some people have said before. The original intent of the US was to benefit only a small, very specific group of people. The problems started when they had to share the bounty with others they had considered inferior. And as they did then, they are doing now. If they can't have it all for themselves, no one else can have it. I honestly pray that these people get what they are asking for……Barry as their permanent dictator boyfriend.

  • UW8316154

    What? I'm only number #62 in the mommy-blog petition?!?

    MUSH, you people, MUSH!!

  • DixvilleCrotch

    Just curious… what are the perks of being US America's Official Mommyblog?

    • Tio_Doidinho

      Free breast milk, obvs.

  • not that Dewey

    Vote for revenge!

  • James Michael Curley

    My cats want to punch some body in the dick because they had to pay more for their little licenses this year while the Republicans in town lowered the license fees for contractors.

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    can we start this back up at change.org?

  • ChickTract_Fil_A

    Leave it to O'bummer to take away my freedums.

  • DahBoner

    TAKE OUR COCKPUNCHING BACK

  • barto

    ALL YOUR GROVER NORQUIST ARE BELONG TO US!

  • ElPinche

    I say slap a dress on Norquist (one that "asks for it") and lock him in a room with a four star general.

  • Woodshedding

    To help cheer Wonkele up, let's all remember to click on at least one ad.

    My own sorrow is, I used to click away on Romney ads just so his campaign would have to pay, and don't have that opportunity any more. Hit me up, barkeep.

  • UnionSpies

    Just when I start getting depressed about this country, I see something like this petition. I freaking LOVE America!

  • RalphCrown

    Well played, anonymous petition starter, very well played.

  • GregComlish

    Heh, Kris E. Benson was probably the author of that petition

  • PurgedVoter

    Wait a minute, even if it is Grover, I don't think we should approve of gay bashing.

  • BenGleck

    I love Grover dick humor!

  • BenGleck

    Can we petition them to give Grover a colonoscopy?

  • Tommy1733

    I have a feeling that monitoring this new Petition site is going to be a full-time job for several people – JOB CREATION!

  • Joey_Blau

    well at tleast this is there

    Support a Resolution of Expulsion of Mitch McConnell from the Senate for his disloyalty to the United States.

  • rickmaci

    OMG. What is the White House hiding? Grovergate? What did this president know and when did he know it. And why is he trying to cover it all up with Generalsdickgate and and the CIA and Susan Rice? Impeachment I tell you. More from FuxNooz tomorrow.

  • AlterNewt

    There are some awfully suspicious (and familiar) names affixed to the 'Mommy-blog' petition.

  • ttommyunger

    I think Grover Norquist is a poopy-head.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12
  • mr bojangles

    i don't always drink beer, but when i do i punch grover norkwist in the dick!

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    He gives all Grovers a bad name.