democracy is for suckers

Petition To Punch Grover Norquist In Dick Removed From White House Petition Site

pow right in the kisserWell, Wonketteers, we bring you some very depressing news: the petition for “all everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick” has been removed from We The People, the White House’s platform for direct democracy. This saddens us greatly for reasons that should be pretty obvious, do we really need to go into it because we’re pretty broken up about this whole thing. Also saddening for super obvious reasons: someone or someones removed the petition for President Obama to do the hokey pokey. We were going to drown our sorrows in a bottle of vodka but we got over it once we realized the petition to name Wonkette the official mommy blog of the United States of America is still alive and well.

[We The People]

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

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      1. 1stNewtontheMoon

        He formulated all his policy positions (consisting of no taxes, ever never ever never infinity) as a child. Not because he was a prodigy but because the policy was childlike in its stupidity. And remarkably, he never developed physically or intellectually beyond the 4th grade so he grew a manly beard.

  1. memzilla

    See, they would have left it up there if the petition had read:

    “All everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick… with votes.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    I just can't believe there were only 57 signatures. They must have pulled it down after only a couple of minutes.

  3. LibertyLover

    I don't know about the rest of the wonketteers, but I would never let my mom come to this blog….

      1. UW8316154

        My mom has late-stage Alzhiemers, but back in the day? She would have seen the humor in a place like this.

    1. Botlrokit

      I would now that I don't follow her belief system, or share her ideals. It would do her good, I'd imagine.

    1. Gleem McShineys

      His dick? Come to think of it, he does sound a little like the guy singing Detachable Penis…

    1. EatsBabyDingos

      I am going to vote after I sign in my new White House handle, "Harry P. Ness," formerly known as Grover Norquist.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      Polly Morphus is on board! (But I didn't realize the last name is hidden – just an initial. I've just have to do better next time.)

      Whee the People!

  4. memzilla

    At least it would make a good bumper sticker:

    —– DON'T BLAME ME —–
    I Voted for Grover Dick Punch

  5. bflrtsplk

    Grover don`t have a dick..Ergo, punching him there is impossible. Ergo, petition to punch him there is superfluous.

  6. FakaktaSouth

    I like how they said dick, cause with a voice that high and grating, you know he ain't got no balls. Also, I could totally come up with more of these guys to dick punch than there are states to secede.

  7. actor212

    We were going to drown our sorrows in a bottle of vodka but we got over it once we realized the petition to name Wonkette the official mommy blog of the United States of America is still alive and well.

    Excuse me, but official "Mommy/COMEDY blog of the United States," if you please.

    We need to get Ol' Handsome Joe Biden to endorse this petition.

    1. MegPasadena

      I would let everyone else have the pleasure instead.
      The feeling of Grover's balls against our hands? Even with pants on. Gross!

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    If everybody punched him in the dick, he'd end up with a bloody nose, black eyes, split lip, broken jaw, and cauliflower ear. That's right. Dickhead.

  9. boskolives

    Grover Norquist has formally requested that all punches be delivered to his dick, sinnce if you were to punch him in the nose you might break his finger, too.

  10. BadKitty904

    What kinda name is "Grover Norquist," anyways? Surely, that's an alias.

    (And yes, I called y'all "Shirley")

    1. BadKitty904

      "Reince Priebus" – again with the weird-ass names. "Reince Priebus" sounds a space-villain in one of the old "Johnny Quest" episodes…

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    The White House took this down? They must have gone behind Bamz's back, because I'm sure he's one of the 57 that signed it.

  12. Trannysurprise

    You can just tell from looking at this toad that it has a tiny, tiny dick.

    It would take some military precision shit to hit it.

    1. Guppy

      We need a petition to reinstate the petition to reinstate the petition to all everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick!

    2. UnionSpies

      Didn't see it but while I was up there I signed the petitions for a couple of the Red States to secede.

  13. SnarkOff


    1. YouFail4eva

      It took a year to teach myself how to use the computer, but I spend all my time searching for articles for you. So Fuck you, and get of the fucking Internet!

  14. LibertyLover

    Can we start a petition to see Grover's birth certificate?

    Can we start one to see Donald Trump's grades?

      1. freakishlywrong

        Librul America is a smart ass. Wing nut Ameriduh is deadly serious about secession. " No. Please. Don't Go."

    1. BadKitty904

      Still, I'm sure they get a MUCH bigger laugh outta this kind of stuff than the usual Teabagger posturing and pontificating.

  15. Mumbletypeg

    You know… if there isn't yet a tumblr created to track screencap's of all these petitions' hijinks, I'm gonna wonder why I bothered getting out of bed this morning.

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    I hope that when the new taxes are put in place, they call it the Grover Norquist Tax Increase, so it goes down through the ages that way, like "Bush Tax Cuts" and "Obama Care." Only because he would be mortified.

  17. elviouslyqueer

    Okay, since it looks like the whole "punched in the dick" petition isn't going to fly, why don't we go with the original idea of publicly pillorying him? I mean, there's nothing that says you can't, y'know, punch Grover square in his goodie-bits whilst he's just cold hanging in the pillory, amirite? Semantics, people, semantics!

  18. tessiee

    How about we punch one of the Koch Bros. in the dick? That would efficiently allow us to punch Grover Norquist in the mouth at the same time.

  19. WinstonK3

    I love all the secession petitions. The Secession movement is huge with the Tea Baggers right now, and we should encourage them to leave so we don't have to spend our tax dollars propping up the south.

  20. tessiee

    So, the take-away here is that President Obama (oh, how I love typing that!) is NOT going to do the hokey pokey?

    And here I was mentally hearing him narrate the steps as he did them:
    "You put your left foot in. Let me be clear. You put your left foot out…"

    1. Mojopo

      You put your (pause) ahhh, your right foot in, and ahhh (pause) you, ahhh, shake it all… about. [Thumb tamped down on fist for punctuation]

      1. Redgyal

        Yes I did. Seriously, this secession drama is only highlighting what some people have said before. The original intent of the US was to benefit only a small, very specific group of people. The problems started when they had to share the bounty with others they had considered inferior. And as they did then, they are doing now. If they can't have it all for themselves, no one else can have it. I honestly pray that these people get what they are asking for……Barry as their permanent dictator boyfriend.

  21. James Michael Curley

    My cats want to punch some body in the dick because they had to pay more for their little licenses this year while the Republicans in town lowered the license fees for contractors.

  22. Woodshedding

    To help cheer Wonkele up, let's all remember to click on at least one ad.

    My own sorrow is, I used to click away on Romney ads just so his campaign would have to pay, and don't have that opportunity any more. Hit me up, barkeep.

  23. UnionSpies

    Just when I start getting depressed about this country, I see something like this petition. I freaking LOVE America!

  24. Tommy1733

    I have a feeling that monitoring this new Petition site is going to be a full-time job for several people – JOB CREATION!

  25. Joey_Blau

    well at tleast this is there

    Support a Resolution of Expulsion of Mitch McConnell from the Senate for his disloyalty to the United States.

  26. rickmaci

    OMG. What is the White House hiding? Grovergate? What did this president know and when did he know it. And why is he trying to cover it all up with Generalsdickgate and and the CIA and Susan Rice? Impeachment I tell you. More from FuxNooz tomorrow.

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