Well, Wonketteers, we bring you some very depressing news: the petition for “all everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick” has been removed from We The People, the White House’s platform for direct democracy. This saddens us greatly for reasons that should be pretty obvious, do we really need to go into it because we’re pretty broken up about this whole thing. Also saddening for super obvious reasons: someone or someones removed the petition for President Obama to do the hokey pokey. We were going to drown our sorrows in a bottle of vodka but we got over it once we realized the petition to name Wonkette the official mommy blog of the United States of America is still alive and well.
Hola wonkerados.
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{ 206 comments }
Too late, I think it's already been shrunk down to the size where it can drown in the bathtub.
Have you heard him speak? His testicles never seem to have descended either.
He formulated all his policy positions (consisting of no taxes, ever never ever never infinity) as a child. Not because he was a prodigy but because the policy was childlike in its stupidity. And remarkably, he never developed physically or intellectually beyond the 4th grade so he grew a manly beard.
See, they would have left it up there if the petition had read:
“All everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick… with votes.”
Done already.
Link?
Mission accomplished
I just can't believe there were only 57 signatures. They must have pulled it down after only a couple of minutes.
Those 57 votes were all from DNC and White House staffers.
One from each of the 57 states.
He has a dick?
Has one and also is one, too.
Just like his circular arguments.
Right between his shoulders.
That's probably why it was taken down.
I know, right? How can they tell?
Yes, and I am sure it does not get taxed much.
I don't know about the rest of the wonketteers, but I would never let my mom come to this blog….
My mom's dead, so I'm sure she's lurking.
Mine too, but I'm sure that her zombieness would like more Nixon jokes.
"Dead Mom Lurking" sounds like a great name for a grunge band.
My mom has late-stage Alzhiemers, but back in the day? She would have seen the humor in a place like this.
I would now that I don't follow her belief system, or share her ideals. It would do her good, I'd imagine.
I'm a disappointment to my mom, as well. ;-)
A hesitant, crestfallen, yet empathic and unanimous upfist for you!
Mine would rather enjoy it.
My mom would like it except for all the cursing. It's a sign of low intelligence, you know.
Fuck, yeah!
Too late! Eat your vegetables, son or daughter.
My mom introduced me to Wonkette. She's awesome.
I am your mom. And I am here already. Hee hee hee.
My mom would have hated it. Fox News lost its biggest fan when she passed away in 2009.
Let's start a petition to raise Grover's taxes.
I would vote for that.
A Sensible Policy for a Better America.
Yeah!
I can hit pretty hard (with votes,) but I'm gonna need a bigger target…
And gloves, because ew.
Grover of Sesame Street never uses the word "poopyhead" to describe anyone….
Spoiler alert: The monster at the end of the book is actually Grover.
The call is coming from in your caucus.
Are you sure it isn't coming from the lobby?
Cleveland libel.
Isn't this in the Bill of Rights already?
I'm starting a petition to put it back.
His dick? Come to think of it, he does sound a little like the guy singing Detachable Penis…
They probably pulled it because of the typo in the title.
Yeah, I don't think hairy, unbleached asshole is spelled d-i-c-k
Wrong font size. Or perhaps wrong fontanelle?
Whitehouse Pulls Grover Norquist's Dick
Saw it on the internet. TRUE
11/15/12
The Day Democracy Died
Never Forget.
America, you bitch, etc.
Let's secede!
Wonkette nation. Mandatory buttsex and gay abortions for all.
And free stuff!
I gotta pay for the buttsechs?
NO! I set up a counter-petition to repeal the 22nd Amendment so Obama can be elected to a third (or fourth!) term.
http://wh.gov/XKK6
ITS OK GUYS I GOT THIS SHIT YO!
https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/reinsta…
You rank with the greats – Madison, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Jenna Jameson!
Lincoln has some bigass titties. And Jameson freed the slaves
This is Plouffe on his vacation.
I tip my hat to you for your ingenuity.
And I steal that hat, and run away with it. What now?
I got your hat.
No biggie…I'll just fold up another newspaper!
And I took that one too!
ALL YOUR HATS ARE BELONG TO THE ME
Waste of paper – do what I do and use foil.
I wish you an upfisty p-ness rocket for this.
Vox populi…
I am going to vote after I sign in my new White House handle, "Harry P. Ness," formerly known as Grover Norquist.
Something from the banks of the Boneyard Creek?
Polly Morphus is on board! (But I didn't realize the last name is hidden – just an initial. I've just have to do better next time.)
Whee the People!
I signed. How soon before the FBI starts sending me obscene pictures?
You don't get them already?
It's gone!
https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/allow-f…
Back up.
And gone again.
They're on to us.
https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/#inbox/13b04ce62…
VIVA LA REVOLUTION OF DICK PUNCHING!
What if we changed the wording to "ballz" or "nutz?"
Try "testicular appendages."
Conspiracy!
Grover is a dick, perhaps the first dick to have a dick. So if you punch him in the dick it's kind of redundant, also.
… but satisfyingly redundant.
So punch ALL of him.
At least it would make a good bumper sticker:
—– DON'T BLAME ME —–
I Voted for Grover Dick Punch
Vote early and vote often, with your feet, and with your fist and votes, also.
Grover Dick Punch never goes over very well at the school dances, even after it's laced.
Grover Norquist is first in the long line of dick punches I want.
Grover don`t have a dick..Ergo, punching him there is impossible. Ergo, petition to punch him there is superfluous.
I like how they said dick, cause with a voice that high and grating, you know he ain't got no balls. Also, I could totally come up with more of these guys to dick punch than there are states to secede.
We were going to drown our sorrows in a bottle of vodka but we got over it once we realized the petition to name Wonkette the official mommy blog of the United States of America is still alive and well.
Excuse me, but official "Mommy/COMEDY blog of the United States," if you please.
We need to get Ol' Handsome Joe Biden to endorse this petition.
With votes?
I pledge allegiance to punching Grover Norquist in the dick.
And the pleasure that it stands for, too.
Hell, I'd even leave the "Under God" phrase in there.
I would let everyone else have the pleasure instead.
The feeling of Grover's balls against our hands? Even with pants on. Gross!
can we "Ultra Sound" him?
I would recommend a cystoscopy. Ultrasound is too non-invasive for dudes.
I only watch disgusting "Katie" Couric videos. All of them.
If everybody punched him in the dick, he'd end up with a bloody nose, black eyes, split lip, broken jaw, and cauliflower ear. That's right. Dickhead.
And that would be a problem…how?
I see nothng to object to there.
How do you punch anyone square in the dick? The only hole punches I've ever seen are all round!
Google "square paper punch." Ya learn something new every day here at Wonkette!
Well, I'll be….
Grover Norquist has formally requested that all punches be delivered to his dick, sinnce if you were to punch him in the nose you might break his finger, too.
Same problem with kicking him in the ass.
What kinda name is "Grover Norquist," anyways? Surely, that's an alias.
(And yes, I called y'all "Shirley")
It sounds… French.
Norquist's closet name is Shirley? Does Lindsey know?
Shirley U. Jest?
Save energy: line Reince Priebus up behind him and get two dicks with one punch.
"Reince Priebus" – again with the weird-ass names. "Reince Priebus" sounds a space-villain in one of the old "Johnny Quest" episodes…
I liked the name of the Applebee's franchisee guy that Jon Stewart riffed on the other night, Zane Tankel.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/09/zane-tan…
Zane Tankel.
Reince Priebus behind him might be cruel and unusual punishment to some, but not me, not today, also.
The White House took this down? They must have gone behind Bamz's back, because I'm sure he's one of the 57 that signed it.
You can just tell from looking at this toad that it has a tiny, tiny dick.
It would take some military precision shit to hit it.
Grover is a DILP (Dick I'd like to punch). I'm copyrighting this as I type.
I approve this message.
This has been a terrible couple of weeks for both Elmo and Grover alike. The difference being, Elmo totally didn't deserve it.
Sustained!
Are you saying the Koch brothers have their hands way-up Grover's ass?
What dick?
Nixon, the one you're not supposed to change in the middle of a screw.
IT IS GOING DOWN SON!
https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/reinsta…
We need a petition to reinstate the petition to reinstate the petition to all everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick!
https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/allow-f… Babambo
Didn't see it but while I was up there I signed the petitions for a couple of the Red States to secede.
IF YOU PUSSIES HAD JUST SHARED THIS WITH YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS, THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!!!111!!!!! BUT NOOOOOOOO!!!1!!
I regret that I can only upfist you once for this!
It took a year to teach myself how to use the computer, but I spend all my time searching for articles for you. So Fuck you, and get of the fucking Internet!
I don't know if I'd want any of my extremities near his junk.
Can we start a petition to see Grover's birth certificate?
Can we start one to see Donald Trump's grades?
fuck that, how about an IRS audit on both of them?
Now this is a petition.
Collective actions are people, too, my friends.
Bring back public pillories!
"Where are the warblogs of yesteryear?" — Captain John No-say-rian
It's difficult to get in a clean punch with Boehner's head in the way.
A revolting and well deserved two-fer.
Lubricated with tears.
Dude: Hey Grover. How'd you break your hand?
Norquist: Someone punched my package.
Only 57 Americans signed it, that’s a National disgrace.
A lot of high level RNC donors have been doing this all week to both Norquist and Rove.
Is this a great country or what?
I wonder if they thought it through when they made this website: America is a smart-ass.
Librul America is a smart ass. Wing nut Ameriduh is deadly serious about secession. " No. Please. Don't Go."
"Secession" is code for I'm too stupid, lazy and xenophobic to emigrate.
I always thought Eric Cantor was his dick, or maybe it's the other way around if you can consider it a reach-around.
"I pledge allegiance to the Grover, and the corporations for which he stands….etc."
OH SNAP
Having to be the moderator for that site would be a job and a half.
Still, I'm sure they get a MUCH bigger laugh outta this kind of stuff than the usual Teabagger posturing and pontificating.
This is the petition to sign. https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/force-a…
You know… if there isn't yet a tumblr created to track screencap's of all these petitions' hijinks, I'm gonna wonder why I bothered getting out of bed this morning.
We're gonna need a bigger petition.
I hope that when the new taxes are put in place, they call it the Grover Norquist Tax Increase, so it goes down through the ages that way, like "Bush Tax Cuts" and "Obama Care." Only because he would be mortified.
Fine. Be that way.
*starts petition to punch Grover Norquist in the balls*
Okay, since it looks like the whole "punched in the dick" petition isn't going to fly, why don't we go with the original idea of publicly pillorying him? I mean, there's nothing that says you can't, y'know, punch Grover square in his goodie-bits whilst he's just cold hanging in the pillory, amirite? Semantics, people, semantics!
We can still punch Mitch McConnell in the dick, though, right?
Do it quickly before it recedes into his shell.
Objection. Facts not in evidence.
How about we punch one of the Koch Bros. in the dick? That would efficiently allow us to punch Grover Norquist in the mouth at the same time.
Do you think punch him in the Koch would stay up?
Pointless violence coupled with irony – I like it!
I thought Grover was toast along with Elmo and Big Bird?
Make Obama do the Hokey Pokey? Wow. That's….just….really funny…in a 1920s sort of way.
I love all the secession petitions. The Secession movement is huge with the Tea Baggers right now, and we should encourage them to leave so we don't have to spend our tax dollars propping up the south.
They took it down. I am replacing it with "in the funtime area"
I signed the Wonkette petition and put it on my wall. Right next to Malala.
And we are BACK ONLINE
https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/allow-f…
I'm in.
That link does not work.
So, the take-away here is that President Obama (oh, how I love typing that!) is NOT going to do the hokey pokey?
Dang.
And here I was mentally hearing him narrate the steps as he did them:
"You put your left foot in. Let me be clear. You put your left foot out…"
You put your (pause) ahhh, your right foot in, and ahhh (pause) you, ahhh, shake it all… about. [Thumb tamped down on fist for punctuation]
Judging by the number of petitions to leave the Union, I would say that the president is still blah. Also sign this petition https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/force-a…
Did you see the petition for North Carolina to STAY in the Union?
"Bless their hearts…"
Yes I did. Seriously, this secession drama is only highlighting what some people have said before. The original intent of the US was to benefit only a small, very specific group of people. The problems started when they had to share the bounty with others they had considered inferior. And as they did then, they are doing now. If they can't have it all for themselves, no one else can have it. I honestly pray that these people get what they are asking for……Barry as their permanent dictator boyfriend.
What? I'm only number #62 in the mommy-blog petition?!?
MUSH, you people, MUSH!!
Just curious… what are the perks of being US America's Official Mommyblog?
Free breast milk, obvs.
Vote for revenge!
My cats want to punch some body in the dick because they had to pay more for their little licenses this year while the Republicans in town lowered the license fees for contractors.
can we start this back up at change.org?
Leave it to O'bummer to take away my freedums.
TAKE OUR COCKPUNCHING BACK
ALL YOUR GROVER NORQUIST ARE BELONG TO US!
I say slap a dress on Norquist (one that "asks for it") and lock him in a room with a four star general.
To help cheer Wonkele up, let's all remember to click on at least one ad.
My own sorrow is, I used to click away on Romney ads just so his campaign would have to pay, and don't have that opportunity any more. Hit me up, barkeep.
Just when I start getting depressed about this country, I see something like this petition. I freaking LOVE America!
Well played, anonymous petition starter, very well played.
Heh, Kris E. Benson was probably the author of that petition
Wait a minute, even if it is Grover, I don't think we should approve of gay bashing.
I love Grover dick humor!
Can we petition them to give Grover a colonoscopy?
I have a feeling that monitoring this new Petition site is going to be a full-time job for several people – JOB CREATION!
well at tleast this is there
Support a Resolution of Expulsion of Mitch McConnell from the Senate for his disloyalty to the United States.
OMG. What is the White House hiding? Grovergate? What did this president know and when did he know it. And why is he trying to cover it all up with Generalsdickgate and and the CIA and Susan Rice? Impeachment I tell you. More from FuxNooz tomorrow.
There are some awfully suspicious (and familiar) names affixed to the 'Mommy-blog' petition.
I think Grover Norquist is a poopy-head.
I guarantee the petition wouldn’t be removed if they just tea bagged him instead.
i don't always drink beer, but when i do i punch grover norkwist in the dick!
He gives all Grovers a bad name.
No! Everything's free now!
Damn…I need to find your mom and have her sit on my head.
Then I would own my mom. And I would set her free, because fuck slavery yo
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