pix or it didnt happen

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Present To You: ‘The Shirtless F.B.I. Guy’

He does sort of look like Walter Skinner?By all appearances, Frederick W. Humphries II, 47, has asked his remaining friends in the Federal Bureau of Investigation to reach out to The New York Times and speak as glowingly of his character as certain other people have spoken of certain other people’s maternal love. Wait, what? Oh, don’t worry about it. You guys, we got our SHIRTLESS FBI GUY!!1! (Photo from Seattle Times.)

“Fred is a passionate kind of guy,” said one former colleague. “He’s kind of an obsessive type. If he locked his teeth onto something, he’d be a bulldog.”

That description would appear to fit his involvement in the current investigation.

Oh, New York Times, how we love it when you’re a catty bitch.

Perhaps some of those friends take issue with newsmedia reports that Mr. Wertham II was just contantly sexting selfies to unsuspecting consuls honorary?

Mr. Berger took issue with news media reports that have said his client sent shirtless pictures of himself to Ms. Kelley.

“That picture was sent years before Ms. Kelley contacted him about this, and it was sent as part of a larger context of what I would call social relations in which the families would exchange numerous photos of each other,” Mr. Berger said.

The photo was sent as a “joke” and was of Mr. Humphries “posing with a couple of dummies.” Mr. Berger said the picture was not sexual in nature.

Well, it is illegal for a FBI agent to lie, we are pretty sure that is the law, so that clears it.

Oh, except for this one thing. It would be irresponsible not to speculate, given his “worldview,” that they are one and the same.

[NYT / photo from Seattle Times]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. Not_So_Much

    Don't all families with young children send photos of their junk back and forth? You know, for swinger parties "social relations".

    1. Veritas78

      Shirtless, all you want! But his dick? You'll have to pry it out of my cold, dead mouth first.

      (Okay, somebody had to say it.)

    2. Butch_Wagstaff

      He he small of stature and a bit effeminate according the greatest GOP minds. So…I hope that we can see such pics.

  2. christianmuslin

    I have turned my tablet upside down and inside out, yet still no shirtless guy photos. It would appear we all are dummies!

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    That picture… was sent as part of a larger context of what I would call social relations in which the families would exchange numerous photos of each other,” Mr. Berger said.

    Yeah, sounds normal to me. My cousins are always flashing upskirt shots when they pose with the family for their custom Christmas cards.

    1. Franknflower

      Shirtless with a couple of dummies is a totally normal photo. As long as he wasn't feigning sex with said dummies.

      1. NYNYNYjr

        He was posing shirtless with a couple of dummies, Michelle Malkin and Lindsey Graham. Who were also shirtless.

    2. PhilippePetain

      My thing is, if the shirtless pics were so normal, how did they end up getting mentioned/recognized in the initial FBI leak or whatever anyway?


    1. YerMa

      I would like a flowchart to get me up to speed on this fuck fest. I've been getting indoctrinated by college professors this week and woefully behind.

        1. mull_man

          From the G&M comments:

          I heard that the shirtless agent has a twin. And Kelly is going into a coma for 2 and a half weeks for watching two and and a half men. This is getting exciting. If Petraeus offs himself after a gold mine deal goes south, I'll wet myself.

          I agree. This is better than the time Nigel fell off the roof of Lower Loxley Hall on New Years Eve in The Archers.

        1. Steverino247

          Oh man! When I was in grad school, I had to know that shit cold. Names of all the enzymes, neurotransmitters, everything. The most useless information I ever learned.

    2. MissTaken


      I think he fucked the woman who wanted to fuck Petraeus but got told 'fuck off' by the woman who was fucking Petraeus. I think.

      1. ButthurtWingers2012

        You're pretty close…here's my reading on it: okay so Patraeus fucked his biographer who thought he was fucking this corrupt GOPer socialite so she wrote her emails telling her to fuck off and leave her bitch alone. The socialite, thinking she had diplomatic powers reported this to some douche who sent the emails over to someone who's an expert on fucking mass amounts of people: Eric Cantor. Cantor THEN sends (with extra smarm for effect) the emails to higher ups in the FBI who decide for god knows what reason (probably some bribery..I just assume Cantor is corrupt even when its ridiculous to be corrupt) to investigate and Patraeus and Broadwell admit to fucking thus ensuring his career is caput (probably his marraige, too..she is hot and her husband knows he's a goofy bastard so she'll get taken back). Then, this douchebag (shirtless guy) gets mad because the FBI isn't moving fast enough to embarass Obama so he sends inside information to rightwing jobber sites (I think it goes that way…). Meanwhile, rich GOPer socialite might be in trouble herself because she may have been fucking the US commander in Afghanistan ontop of being a Kardashian-looking crook (who I'd still bang). Shirtless guy was apparently stalking her, too…so this is where we end. (I think). Needs moar Venn diagrams, flowcharts and mob heirarchies…

        1. Negropolis

          Wait, maybe I've got the chronology mixed up, but I thought Humphries first sent the information on the affair to his higher-ups, and they decided to pursue it, but not as publically or as quickly as Humphries may have liked. Then months later, seeing that no one is going to make this public until the investigation is complete, sends the informaton of the affair to the Repulican leadership, and that it didn't make its way to Cantor's office until October.

    1. nmmagyar

      Not necessarily, I'm a II and there is no III, nor will there ever be one unless my husband get preggers.

    2. ButthurtWingers2012

      If there is we could probably find him due to tell-tale baldness like II…and with part III, it's ALWAYS personal.

  4. MissTaken

    The photo was sent as a “joke” and was of Mr. Humphries “posing with a couple of dummies.” Mr. Berger said the picture was not sexual in nature.

    Anthony Weiner and his penis are wishing he called his balls just 'a couple of dummies', too.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Mr Humphries was also Otto and Kevin's boss at the grocery at the beginning of Repo Man.
      "Otto, you were late again this morning. Now normally I'd let it go but it's been brought to my attention that you're not paying attention to the way you space the cans. Many young men of your age in these uncertain times—Otto! Are you paying attention to me?"
      "Fuck you."

    2. OzoneTom

      Probably should have been since I am an old fan, but I have to admit that my first thought was "I wonder if he is related to Barry Humphries."

      1. PsycWench

        Ben Franklin would say it doesn't matter "And as in the dark all Cats are grey…"
        Of course, Ben would have first made sure he wasn't boning a kitten.

        1. ButthurtWingers2012

          Okay…I'll take the bait: I just checked and your picture is definitely NOT Rush Limbaugh (since he's a pussy…) waka, waka!

  5. SmutBoffin

    Has this scandal reached "peak trashiness", or will some tale of Pentagon/FBI backroom assplay come along soon?

      1. corthylio

        Petraeus got involved in an extra-marital affair ages ago because he knew he'd want to resign rather than answer questions about Benghazi.

        Oh, and they are both Obama's fault.

        1. Dildeaux

          Bamz has knowed bout said affair for months.
          Once the gopers took up the Benghazi scent, what with Patraeus conducting his own post attack fact finding mission (prly a chance to revist some hot Middle Eastern poon), Kenyan jedi mind bogglingly fantabulous at conspiracies Bamz had to throw Patraeus under the Humvee in oder to prevent the general from spilling the true real factual facts about said attack, which would obviously lead the US to impeach the Pres, as we dissolve into an episode of Dommsday Preppers.
          12-20-2012 is coming anyway, so I cant get too worked up about much, aside from football.

  6. Joshua Norton

    Mr. Berger said the picture was not sexual in nature.

    More like sad. His posing shirtless for sexy-time photos is like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal.

  7. Fred_Wertham_Jr

    "Perhaps some of those friends take issue with newsmedia reports that Mr. Wertham II was just contantly sexting selfies to unsuspecting consuls honorary?"

    How the hell did I get dragged into this?

  8. decentcitizen

    Glad to see our domestic and foreign security is in the hands of such competent and well-balanced people.

  9. sharethegrief

    OT – I'm having trouble getting my snark back. I lost my favorite sister last month to bone cancer. I now know exactly what bereft feels like. When I discovered Wonkette last winter, to paraphrase a writer on here, you all were my opiate found below the false bottom of a Pringles can. Sometimes you have no idea how you've helped a virtual stranger. There have been lots of days that all of you pulled the dark curtain away for me.

    1. MissNancyPriss

      I have been there. There are no words. Although I found "Meditations" ( Marcus Aurelius, not the other kind), to be profoundly helpful.

    2. C_R_Eature

      You'd be surprised at just how many people here understand exactly how much this place has helped you. It sure has helped me through some very dark times over the years.

      Wonkette is full of the funniest and most creatively crazy people that I've ever had the good fortune to have found. It's not so much that this place lets me be a public jackass, but the Wonkette Community really puts a certain Bent spin on a brutish and humourless reality that desperately needs bending.

      Come in, stay, read and take your own time to heal. The Funny and The Community here go hand-in-hand and The Snark is a wonderful palliative.

      One more thing. You may feel you're a Virtual Stranger, but as long as you're here you're a Wonketeer.

      Take care, CRE

        1. C_R_Eature

          I'm just glad this blog doesn't have video.

          It's OK to embrace your Inner Dorkiness…Dorks are "In" this year. Just ask Nate Silver, when he isn't drunk.

    3. PsycWench

      I am so sorry. One of my colleagues…a man I respected and loved, knew for 15 years, a mentor…passed away at the beginning of October. We still talk about him in the present tense. I'm starting to tear up just writing this. I know that's not like losing a sister but I hate it for you.

    4. Dudleydidwrong

      Thanks for sharing your grief. (HUG) Wonkette helps a lot of us get through some tough times of varying degrees and types of toughness. This place is a gem.

    5. SayItWithWookies

      My deepest condolences — it seems impossible to get through losing someone you love, but you're not among strangers. Regardless of what's been going on in my day or my life I always feel at home here.

    6. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Take care and be well. Thank you for sharing this. In the meantime, hopefully our snark will give you some joy.

    7. calliecallie

      Hugs to you! I am so sorry about your sister. I feel just the same about Wonkette, and have been looking for an excuse to post it. Wonkette is a ray of sunshine in every day.

    8. lulzmonger

      Snark is indeed the ideal spiritual vitamin.

      My late Mom's advice: "Keep your pecker up, kid."
      This will probably only help if you're male.

      1. C_R_Eature

        This will make more sense when you learn that "Pecker" is the English term for "Chin"

        Although, in some instances the American slang term works too.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Yes, that is a thing We Do Not Discuss amongst polite company.
            Or, for that matter, here at Wonkette.

    9. AutomaticPilot

      I am so sorry to hear of your loss. That is so sad. I agree with your feelings about the power of our Wonkette!

    10. BaldarTFlagass

      Sorry to hear about your loss. Steadfast, you will get your snark back, just like Austin Powers got his mojo back.

      Edging back closer to my usual Wonkette personality: I hope you didn't tell your other sisters that your sister who passed away was your favorite.

    11. vtxmcrider

      More big hugs for you here.

      Wonkette is a very special place. Even on the darkest days, the crew here has made me laugh, often very inappropriately. Then again, if the laughter were appropriate, this would not be Wonkette.

  10. MissTaken

    and it was sent as part of a larger context of what I would call social relations in which the families would exchange numerous photos of each other,” Mr. Berger said.

    Phew! I'm not the only one who sends shirtless pics to her family!

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Our family was so poor that we only had one shirt for us all. So any photos were mostly shirtless, except for one lucky family member. Finally the damn Wal-Mart shirt wore out and now we're being arrested for lewd nudity. I tell ya, there's no justice.

      1. PsycWench

        At least you had a shirt. We had an old dish towel we'd take turns holding over our chests, and we were happy to have it.

        1. James Michael Curley

          Let's all be a little kinder to chickens. I know they are not too bright, but way smarter than turkeys who are said to look up when it rains and drown when the water goes down their open throat.

    1. boskolives

      I always heard that song as "Secret Asian Man", but now that China owns basically everything, everywhere, I'll forget it. It can join in the lost memory bin with everything else that the years have mercifully erased for me, also.

  11. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "The photo was sent as a “joke” and was of Mr. Humphries “posing with a couple of dummies.”

    Mr. Humphries's wife, and her mother, are not amused.

    1. Blueb4sinrise

      Looks like the boy scout and the den-mother.

      I'll bet he was popping Advils and Powerade after she got through with him

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    My favorite scene in Die Hard was when the Huey carrying the FBI agents got shot down and one of the cops said to the other "Guess we're going to need some more FBI guys."

  13. docterry6973

    He sent the picture long before Ms. Kelley contacted him about this. I actually think that 'Ms. Kelley contacted him about this' is the more interesting clause in that sentence.

    Just how often in the larger context of what you would call social relations does he call forth the power of the FBI to conduct off-the-books investigations for his pals?

          1. calliecallie

            Honestly, I was just thinking of Gilda Radner this morning (because Victoria Jackson's such an ass, I suspect). And Roseanne Rosannadanna also. "It's always something."

  14. docterry6973

    "…sexting selfies to unsuspecting counsuls honorary."

    So true. You can't believe the shit we consuls honorary have to put up with.

  15. proudgrampa

    Not that I care, but I have yet to see any shirtless guy. Did I miss something, or have I already had too many martinis???

  16. MissTaken

    I don't think you are supposed to take the whole "every time you fuck someone you are also fucking everyone they have ever fucked" thing literally.

  17. Veritas78

    For now, it's all fun'n'games because Obama's few republican hires turn out to be as sadly sleazy as their entire party.

    But just watch them try to taint BHO with their sad titty bitching. I nominate Miss Lindsey to be the first to complain, because no one had the kindness to shove a dingus up his butthole. "Water, water—everywhere! And not a drop to drink!"

  18. FakaktaSouth

    How much is this guy paying his lawyer? I think this "families send each other naked pics all the time, what the hell's the problem" defense is really not helpful, is it? Been better to just go with, Hey, dude tried to get some, it did (or didn't) work, what can you do? People would actually relate to and/or believe that shit, no?

  19. Jerri

    "If he locked his teeth onto something, he’d be a bulldog.”

    That is not how you please a lady, fella.

  20. Terry

    “Fred is a passionate kind of guy,”

    He is also a dick who thought that he could use an investigation to 1. Get closer to a woman and 2. to take a wingnut swipe at the Obama administration just before an election.

    Neither is appropriate for an FBI agent. Fred can kiss his career goodbye.

    1. fuflans

      wow. department of just doesn't get it.

      and what i got was a good president instead of an entitled asshole who couldn't manage a trip to london.

    2. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      We got a kick-ass President. Rmoney & Raynd and other fuckwits got nothing but fox news and butthurt.

  21. mosjef

    Suggest a more appropriate description would be "shirtless, hairless, shameless, dickless, clueless Eric Kantor fudge-packing shit stain"

  22. MosesInvests

    Molly Ivins quoting a Texas Ranger outside the Branch Davidian compound in Waco:

    "The three most overrated things in the world are young pussy, Mack trucks and the FBI."

  23. sati_demise

    ‎"Yeah, the fact that Broadwell has ties to the Hudson Institute says a lot to me. Hudson was the only place that would hire Douglas Feith after his departure from the Office Of Special Plans (OSP). He tried to get a seat at Harvard, UC Berkeley, and if memory serves me right the Hoover Institute.

    If anyone remembers it was Feith that ran the OSP under Wolfowitz at the Pentagon which fed un-vetted intelligence (Chalabi’s fantasies) to Cheney and Scooter Libby, who would feed the lies to Judith Miller of the New York Times who would publish the anonymous source claims of Iraq’s involvement with Al-Qaeda and the existence of massive amounts of WMDs. Then the Shrub administration would use the New York Times reports to justify their reasons for invasion, because the CIA analysts and UN inspectors (even under the control of an American general) were saying the exact opposite.

    Then Larry Franklin, who worked for Feith at the OSP, got arrested by the FBI for passing confidential material to two AIPAC employees (Steve Rosen and Keith Weissman) after an almost three year surveillance/wiretapping effort. Franklin confessed, and Steve Rosen and Keith Weissman of AIPAC never went to trial.

    With Broadwell having a tie to Hudson, I’m pretty sure the rabbit hole goes pretty deep in this current debacle." gbk
    hehe he said rabbit hole

  24. Negropolis

    Totally OT: But John McCain can go sit on a Sedona cactus for all I care, and take his whiney little bitch with him, excuse my French, for what they've tried to do to Susan Rice. Graham put out a shitty little statement, tonight, doubling down on his disgusting comments. I hope both get caught in scandals before their terms are up and they have to design in disgrace.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          She's doing some amazing things in Sans-a-belt with Jamacain as the main model. They are going places, sister!

    1. glamourdammerung

      Well, given that Songbird McCain is still crying about the last time he took on President Obama, I am not sure why he would want to go at it again.

      Actually, I do know why. Because he is a moron with no principles.

      As far as Ms. Lindsey, I would think it would be hilarious if President Obama brings up his "mandate" as often as possible while looking dead at Graham. Hilarity would ensue.

    2. Dr. Nick Riviera

      Didn't McCain already get caught in a big scandel? You can't pry that flabby ass out of Congress apparently.

      1. sullivanst

        You mean that time he tried to protect one of his corrupt bank-owning buddies at the height of the Savings & Loan crisis?

      2. James Michael Curley

        The Keating 5 scandal. Ages ago and McCain was somewhat cleared by the Senate Ethics Committee but had his wrist slapped for his unwise conduct. All five had received well over $1 million from Charles Keating when the Lincoln Federal Savings collapsed costing the US Government multiple billions. The senators were instrumental in sidetracking the attempt to prosecute Keating.

  25. Negropolis

    Check this guy's backyard. NOW. This is the kind of face that tells you he has binders-full of hookers pushing daisies.

  26. Negropolis

    Strange, whenever I see that pic "put the lotion in the basket" is the only thing that runs through my mind.

  27. glamourdammerung

    I am still not sure why the shirtless picture is that big of a deal. I guess I have just been to more beaches than most folks.

  28. SubhumanVarmint

    This shit is getting weirder.

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Telemundo, make this into your next telenovela. I promise I will watch it, even if my Spanish isn't up to par. PLEASE!

  29. skyshoes

    Has anybody caught on that this is a conclave of republicans? the shirtless FBI guy's wingnoia(R) was so extreme he contacted a congressman(R) in Washington who in turn contacted his putzworthyness Eric Cantor(R). Because Patreus(R) was boffing a cougar(R) Broadsomething who was narced out by the socialite Kelly(R) "ambassador"… [puff puff catches breath]….It really is the vagina(R) monologues!

  30. bobloblawlawblg

    This whole thing is bothering me for a few reasons.

    1. This Kelley chick seems like she (or her publicist) is on a mission to create the facade of being the most irresistible woman ever. Methinks a reality show is her goal, especially given her financial problems? Giving her attention just seems to help her *shudder*

    2. Even with all the information out there, people are still assuming Broadwell was jealous because of Kelley's relationship with Petraeus? The emails she sent were telling Kelley to "tone it down" and asking "who the hell she thinks she is" (and the like). That, to me, sounds like someone who has busted her ass in a tough, misogynistic world her whole adult life, then finds some bimbo bouncing up to spec. ops. claiming she's a VIP and gets to parachute with them/gets diplomatic immunity/etc. without ever setting boot in camp.

    In short: Why is it not even entertained as a possibility that Broadwell is defending military culture, rather than fighting for dick? Oh, right, because that doesn't fit into the more saleable, bodice-rippy narrative? Blech.

    1. Defeatably_Joe

      Seriously, this right here. The more we hear about Kelley, the more plausable this seems, over the "Broadwell was being a jealous hussie" narrative that's taken over, especially since we first heard that the emails weren't actually all they were cracked up to be, and were only escalated because Kelly had a friend who is a self-styled Fox Mulder, and then the whole "diplomatic inviolability" brauhaha.

      No, sorry. As attractive as the whole "fatal attraction"/Overly-Attached Girlfriend narrative is, sexy-media-wise, it honestly seems more likely that Kelley actually did need someone to tell her to tone it down, because she actually DOESN'T work for the State department or anything.

  31. myykuul

    He does have that certain, nearly definable quality…like Malkovich's character in "Burn This" but since our shirtless agent is FBI, a decidedly local je ne sais quoi, oui?

  32. Wile E. Quixote

    The photo was sent as a “joke” and was of Mr. Humphries “posing with a couple of dummies.”

    A couple of dummies like this?

  33. Wile E. Quixote

    Damn, the FBI has fallen a long way. J. Edgar Hoover never sent shirtless pictures of himself to women. Clyde Tolson yes, but cheap whores like Jill Kelley? Never!

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