pix or it didnt happen

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Present To You: ‘The Shirtless F.B.I. Guy’

He does sort of look like Walter Skinner?By all appearances, Frederick W. Humphries II, 47, has asked his remaining friends in the Federal Bureau of Investigation to reach out to The New York Times and speak as glowingly of his character as certain other people have spoken of certain other people’s maternal love. Wait, what? Oh, don’t worry about it. You guys, we got our SHIRTLESS FBI GUY!!1! (Photo from Seattle Times.)

“Fred is a passionate kind of guy,” said one former colleague. “He’s kind of an obsessive type. If he locked his teeth onto something, he’d be a bulldog.”

That description would appear to fit his involvement in the current investigation.

Oh, New York Times, how we love it when you’re a catty bitch.

Perhaps some of those friends take issue with newsmedia reports that Mr. Wertham II was just contantly sexting selfies to unsuspecting consuls honorary?

Mr. Berger took issue with news media reports that have said his client sent shirtless pictures of himself to Ms. Kelley.

“That picture was sent years before Ms. Kelley contacted him about this, and it was sent as part of a larger context of what I would call social relations in which the families would exchange numerous photos of each other,” Mr. Berger said.

The photo was sent as a “joke” and was of Mr. Humphries “posing with a couple of dummies.” Mr. Berger said the picture was not sexual in nature.

Well, it is illegal for a FBI agent to lie, we are pretty sure that is the law, so that clears it.

Oh, except for this one thing. It would be irresponsible not to speculate, given his “worldview,” that they are one and the same.

[NYT / photo from Seattle Times]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  • Not_So_Much

    Don't all families with young children send photos of their junk back and forth? You know, for swinger parties "social relations".

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Abs are not junk. They are fucking GOLDEN.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Who'd want to see this loser naked? He looks like that guy who always plays some shopkeeper in movies about redneck states.

  • Beowoof

    Everybody knows women especially like pictures of big dicks. And he is a big dick.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Even looks like one.

    • Grokenstein

      I have a very great friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus.

      • MosesInvests

        He has a wife, you know….

        • HogeyeGrex

          Ah, dear Incontinentia.

  • facehead

    When can we see Nate Silver shirtless?

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      I know you want to check out his calculator.

    • Veritas78

      Shirtless, all you want! But his dick? You'll have to pry it out of my cold, dead mouth first.

      (Okay, somebody had to say it.)

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      He he small of stature and a bit effeminate according the greatest GOP minds. So…I hope that we can see such pics.

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      Ask, and ye shall receive…
      http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lndxpcPVrr1qksp

  • edgydrifter

    Dreamiest stalker ever, amirite? Love the "come hither and submit" gaze.

    • BadKitty904

      Oh, yah. He's def. got that "Waterboarder o' Luv" thing goin' on there. "Humpy Humphries…not

    • CindynEncinitas

      If he smelled good and had a sexy voice, I'd be in trouble…

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    Thank you for not posting the actual shirtless pics.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Oh, I thought I heard that he was scared shitless and couldn't figure out what the big deal was. Seeing him shirtless, I still don't know, too.

  • christianmuslin

    I have turned my tablet upside down and inside out, yet still no shirtless guy photos. It would appear we all are dummies!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    This stuff has turned out like a Lifetime Movie Channel…movie.

    • TribecaMike

      I was wondering if and when Tiffani-Amber Thiessen was going to show up in this story.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        She's too classy for this story. Think Tara Reid.

  • corthylio

    Did I fail to click on the correct link? I din't see nobody shirtless?

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Fred Humphries II Jr

      This Wonkie srsly needs to cite them shirtless pics.

    • NellCote71

      Apparently Wonkette has been overtaken by Huff Po. Wake up, sheepie. The killing fields have begun.

  • BadKitty904

    Dang. How disappointing is that/he?

    • Living in Joy

      Not exactly what I was expecting. I can't imagine how he lost out to General Allen.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That picture… was sent as part of a larger context of what I would call social relations in which the families would exchange numerous photos of each other,” Mr. Berger said.

    Yeah, sounds normal to me. My cousins are always flashing upskirt shots when they pose with the family for their custom Christmas cards.

    • emmelemm

      Wait, your cousins are the Kardashians?

    • C_R_Eature

      You're Scottish?

    • Franknflower

      Shirtless with a couple of dummies is a totally normal photo. As long as he wasn't feigning sex with said dummies.

      • NYNYNYjr

        He was posing shirtless with a couple of dummies, Michelle Malkin and Lindsey Graham. Who were also shirtless.

    • SorosBot

      It's like the nipple pic Elaine sent for Christmas to her family.

    • Barrelhse

      Can I get on the xmas card list?

      • Negropolis

        Sounds more like XXXmas.

    • VodkaGoGo

      Your cousins sound nice.

    • PhilippePetain

      My thing is, if the shirtless pics were so normal, how did they end up getting mentioned/recognized in the initial FBI leak or whatever anyway?

      I SMELZ COVERUP

  • FlipFlopFuck

    Wait, he fucked Petraeus??!?

    • YerMa

      I would like a flowchart to get me up to speed on this fuck fest. I've been getting indoctrinated by college professors this week and woefully behind.

      • FlipFlopFuck

        It's more fucked up than Romney's tax returns.

        • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Fred Humphries II Jr

          C'mon it's been a whole week — when are you gonna trust him on it?

        • HogeyeGrex

          Unpossible!

      • cybermoe

        It needs to be edited but its out there;
        http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/the-pet

        • YerMa

          Thanks, won't work on my phone, I'll catch up later!!

        • mull_man

          From the G&M comments:

          I heard that the shirtless agent has a twin. And Kelly is going into a coma for 2 and a half weeks for watching two and and a half men. This is getting exciting. If Petraeus offs himself after a gold mine deal goes south, I'll wet myself.

          I agree. This is better than the time Nigel fell off the roof of Lower Loxley Hall on New Years Eve in The Archers.

      • C_R_Eature
        • Lascauxcaveman

          Hey! I've go that tattooed on my back!

          • FlipFlopFuck

            Best tramp stamp evah!

        • corthylio

          Clearly, the phosphofructokinase is to blame here.

          Oh, and Obama also, too.

          • C_R_Eature

            The common denominator in all these Sex scandals: It's always the NAD's fault.

          • PhilippePetain

            Phosphofructokinase Libel

        • Steverino247

          Oh man! When I was in grad school, I had to know that shit cold. Names of all the enzymes, neurotransmitters, everything. The most useless information I ever learned.

          • FlipFlopFuck

            I got Krebs in grad school too!

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            There are more interesting acids to study than citric. Just sayin'.

          • HogeyeGrex

            Now that sounds more like my college experience.

          • C_R_Eature

            I supported cis-trans isomerism before it was Cool.

          • FlipFlopFuck

            Didn't we all experiment with homo-cysteine back then?

          • C_R_Eature

            I thought about Transamination for a bit, but eventually I got back on that Heterocycle.

          • FlipFlopFuck

            Just watch out for the oxycodone phosphorylation chain.

          • C_R_Eature

            You know Who Else got caught up in an oxycodone phosphorylation chain?

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            We preferred reductive amination. Helped with the late night studies.

          • glasspusher

            Nice. HOMO seeks LUMO for bonding?

          • Geminisunmars

            The is some OTC medicine for that.

          • C_R_Eature

            Did you take a bus back home?

          • glasspusher

            If pyruvic acid is the ultimate proton acceptor, does that make it a bottom?

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          Be still my heart. Phosphofructokinase, beloved PFK the First, God of Glycolysis.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

        Try this one.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          Where is Godzilla chillin'?

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

        Here is your unabridged flowchart

        And here is maybe the most accurate take: everything is terrible and don't try to understand it.

    • MissTaken

      Maybe?

      I think he fucked the woman who wanted to fuck Petraeus but got told 'fuck off' by the woman who was fucking Petraeus. I think.

      • PhilippePetain

        We need a Beeb miniseries, stat!, Maybe Our Michelle can help us out with that….

      • FlipFlopFuck

        It's a general fuck up.

      • ButthurtWingers2012

        You're pretty close…here's my reading on it: okay so Patraeus fucked his biographer who thought he was fucking this corrupt GOPer socialite so she wrote her emails telling her to fuck off and leave her bitch alone. The socialite, thinking she had diplomatic powers reported this to some douche who sent the emails over to someone who's an expert on fucking mass amounts of people: Eric Cantor. Cantor THEN sends (with extra smarm for effect) the emails to higher ups in the FBI who decide for god knows what reason (probably some bribery..I just assume Cantor is corrupt even when its ridiculous to be corrupt) to investigate and Patraeus and Broadwell admit to fucking thus ensuring his career is caput (probably his marraige, too..she is hot and her husband knows he's a goofy bastard so she'll get taken back). Then, this douchebag (shirtless guy) gets mad because the FBI isn't moving fast enough to embarass Obama so he sends inside information to rightwing jobber sites (I think it goes that way…). Meanwhile, rich GOPer socialite might be in trouble herself because she may have been fucking the US commander in Afghanistan ontop of being a Kardashian-looking crook (who I'd still bang). Shirtless guy was apparently stalking her, too…so this is where we end. (I think). Needs moar Venn diagrams, flowcharts and mob heirarchies…

        • Negropolis

          Wait, maybe I've got the chronology mixed up, but I thought Humphries first sent the information on the affair to his higher-ups, and they decided to pursue it, but not as publically or as quickly as Humphries may have liked. Then months later, seeing that no one is going to make this public until the investigation is complete, sends the informaton of the affair to the Repulican leadership, and that it didn't make its way to Cantor's office until October.

    • MegPasadena

      Not in a literal sense, but yes.

  • YerMa

    "Social relations"? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Sounds better than "Bumping Uglies".

    • Barrelhse

      Ha! more like "social intercourse", eh?!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Frederick W. Humphries II"

    You mean there's a IIIrd running around out there somewhere?

    • nmmagyar

      Not necessarily, I'm a II and there is no III, nor will there ever be one unless my husband get preggers.

    • calliecallie

      Not that he knows about.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Turds usually drain themselves.

    • ButthurtWingers2012

      If there is we could probably find him due to tell-tale baldness like II…and with part III, it's ALWAYS personal.

  • MissTaken

    The photo was sent as a “joke” and was of Mr. Humphries “posing with a couple of dummies.” Mr. Berger said the picture was not sexual in nature.

    Anthony Weiner and his penis are wishing he called his balls just 'a couple of dummies', too.

    • SorosBot

      Well balls do often make us menfolk act like total dummies.

      • Nothingisamiss

        Sometimes in an awesome sorta way.

  • corthylio

    Is it just me, or is anyone else thinking of Are You Being Served? when you read "Mr. Humphries"?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Mr Humphries was also Otto and Kevin's boss at the grocery at the beginning of Repo Man.
      "Otto, you were late again this morning. Now normally I'd let it go but it's been brought to my attention that you're not paying attention to the way you space the cans. Many young men of your age in these uncertain times—Otto! Are you paying attention to me?"
      "Fuck you."

    • OzoneTom

      Probably should have been since I am an old fan, but I have to admit that my first thought was "I wonder if he is related to Barry Humphries."

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Humphry Slocombe is a wacky ice cream place in San Francisco that's actually named after "Are You Being Served."
      My favorite flavor is "Secret Breakfast," (bourbon and cornflakes). http://www.humphryslocombe.com/Home.html

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        That's just awesome.

        • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

          I still have to try “Jesus Juice.” (red wine and cola sorbet)

      • HogeyeGrex

        I am so there. How did I not know about this place?

  • PsycWench

    My facebook profile picture is me with my skirt pulled over my head.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      T-back or granny panties?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Pics or GTFO…, wait, what?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      *sends friend request*

    • AlterNewt

      Somebody should ask, so I'll do it. At what age?

      • PsycWench

        Ben Franklin would say it doesn't matter "And as in the dark all Cats are grey…"
        Of course, Ben would have first made sure he wasn't boning a kitten.

        • AlterNewt

          Sort of my point. Absolutely no offence intended.

        • ButthurtWingers2012

          Okay…I'll take the bait: I just checked and your picture is definitely NOT Rush Limbaugh (since he's a pussy…) waka, waka!

  • SmutBoffin

    Has this scandal reached "peak trashiness", or will some tale of Pentagon/FBI backroom assplay come along soon?

  • SorosBot

    I'm sure his sending those topless pics was somehow Obama's fault anyway.

    • BadKitty904

      But how do said pix tie into Bengahzi?

      • corthylio

        Petraeus got involved in an extra-marital affair ages ago because he knew he'd want to resign rather than answer questions about Benghazi.

        Oh, and they are both Obama's fault.

        • Dildeaux

          Bamz has knowed bout said affair for months.
          Once the gopers took up the Benghazi scent, what with Patraeus conducting his own post attack fact finding mission (prly a chance to revist some hot Middle Eastern poon), Kenyan jedi mind bogglingly fantabulous at conspiracies Bamz had to throw Patraeus under the Humvee in oder to prevent the general from spilling the true real factual facts about said attack, which would obviously lead the US to impeach the Pres, as we dissolve into an episode of Dommsday Preppers.
          12-20-2012 is coming anyway, so I cant get too worked up about much, aside from football.

  • GlowneyHouse

    First thing that came to mind when I saw the title…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVJTW7wOgXE

  • Crank_Tango

    Propinquity inviolability libel!!!

    • LibertyLover

      It certainly is SAT vocabulary week at the Wonkette.

      • glasspusher

        Hey. Lets use words we all understand.

        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

          Machinegun Skullfuck Ret@rd.

          • glasspusher

            Thank you.

  • Beetagger

    He's sort of a more butch version of Joe the Plumber.

    • BadKitty904

      Looks crazier, too.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Is that possible? In any case, he probably has access to top-shelf weapons so, yes, worse.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    Mr. Berger said the picture was not sexual in nature.

    More like sad. His posing shirtless for sexy-time photos is like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal.

    • NYNYNYjr

      In nature the picture would not be sexual, but in human society, yes.

  • Not_Mother

    This news is getting better for Anthony Weiner minute by minute.

  • http://www.toastcat.com Fred_Wertham_Jr

    "Perhaps some of those friends take issue with newsmedia reports that Mr. Wertham II was just contantly sexting selfies to unsuspecting consuls honorary?"

    How the hell did I get dragged into this?

    • glasspusher

      Just think of it as part of your 15 minutes.

  • decentcitizen

    Glad to see our domestic and foreign security is in the hands of such competent and well-balanced people.

  • cybermoe

    Did he just call Petreaus and Allen "a couple of dummies"?

    • corthylio

      I just saw that on the Internetz so it must be true…

    • emmelemm

      If the shoe fits…

    • Mahousu

      I think we all are at this point.

  • Schmannnity

    Anthony Weiner wants to know how he can get in on this hot Kelley action.

  • sharethegrief

    OT – I'm having trouble getting my snark back. I lost my favorite sister last month to bone cancer. I now know exactly what bereft feels like. When I discovered Wonkette last winter, to paraphrase a writer on here, you all were my opiate found below the false bottom of a Pringles can. Sometimes you have no idea how you've helped a virtual stranger. There have been lots of days that all of you pulled the dark curtain away for me.

    • YerMa

      :hug:

      That's all I got….

    • MissTaken

      hugs

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Many of us been there. Take care.
      Lightnin' has had trouble too.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMuzFQTpjDE&f

    • proudgrampa

      I am so sorry for what you are going through.

      *hugs*

    • MissNancyPriss

      I have been there. There are no words. Although I found "Meditations" ( Marcus Aurelius, not the other kind), to be profoundly helpful.

    • C_R_Eature

      You'd be surprised at just how many people here understand exactly how much this place has helped you. It sure has helped me through some very dark times over the years.

      Wonkette is full of the funniest and most creatively crazy people that I've ever had the good fortune to have found. It's not so much that this place lets me be a public jackass, but the Wonkette Community really puts a certain Bent spin on a brutish and humourless reality that desperately needs bending.

      Come in, stay, read and take your own time to heal. The Funny and The Community here go hand-in-hand and The Snark is a wonderful palliative.

      One more thing. You may feel you're a Virtual Stranger, but as long as you're here you're a Wonketeer.

      Take care, CRE

      • AutomaticPilot

        I'm such a dork – that actually made me tear up a little!

        • C_R_Eature

          I'm just glad this blog doesn't have video.

          It's OK to embrace your Inner Dorkiness…Dorks are "In" this year. Just ask Nate Silver, when he isn't drunk.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        My sentiments exactly, but I'm not eloquent enough to have stated it that way.

        • C_R_Eature

          Thank you. That wasn't an easy one.

      • Jimmyone

        Word…

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

      God, fuck cancer.

      ::hugs::

    • PsycWench

      I am so sorry. One of my colleagues…a man I respected and loved, knew for 15 years, a mentor…passed away at the beginning of October. We still talk about him in the present tense. I'm starting to tear up just writing this. I know that's not like losing a sister but I hate it for you.

    • DCBloom

      {{{{{{{ Good thoughts to STG }}}}}}}}}}}

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Thanks for sharing your grief. (HUG) Wonkette helps a lot of us get through some tough times of varying degrees and types of toughness. This place is a gem.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      My deepest condolences — it seems impossible to get through losing someone you love, but you're not among strangers. Regardless of what's been going on in my day or my life I always feel at home here.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Take care and be well. Thank you for sharing this. In the meantime, hopefully our snark will give you some joy.

    • calliecallie

      Hugs to you! I am so sorry about your sister. I feel just the same about Wonkette, and have been looking for an excuse to post it. Wonkette is a ray of sunshine in every day.

    • lulzmonger

      Snark is indeed the ideal spiritual vitamin.

      My late Mom's advice: "Keep your pecker up, kid."
      This will probably only help if you're male.

      • C_R_Eature

        This will make more sense when you learn that "Pecker" is the English term for "Chin"

        Although, in some instances the American slang term works too.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I've said it before and I'll say it again: We're like Callahan's Crosstime Saloon, but with a lot more buttsex jokes.

      • C_R_Eature

        And Invertebrates.

        • Doktor Zoom

          And invertebrate buttsex (the less said, the better).

          • C_R_Eature

            Yes, that is a thing We Do Not Discuss amongst polite company.
            Or, for that matter, here at Wonkette.

    • An_Outhouse

      peace and love, always. praying for you.

    • YouFail4eva

      We got your back.

    • AutomaticPilot

      I am so sorry to hear of your loss. That is so sad. I agree with your feelings about the power of our Wonkette!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Sorry to hear about your loss. Steadfast, you will get your snark back, just like Austin Powers got his mojo back.

      Edging back closer to my usual Wonkette personality: I hope you didn't tell your other sisters that your sister who passed away was your favorite.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      as everyone always says things so well here, i will only add, i too am very sorry and wish you any and every solace you can find.

    • MosesInvests

      Virtual hug from me, too.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      C'mere, you big lug.
      (HUG!)

      And don't worry about your snark, it'll come back when you're ready.
      In the meantime, Wonketeers are at the ready! (salutes stg)

    • cousinitt

      Warm, furry hugs.

    • pigdog2

      We're with you. The snark will return when it's ready.

    • vtxmcrider

      More big hugs for you here.

      Wonkette is a very special place. Even on the darkest days, the crew here has made me laugh, often very inappropriately. Then again, if the laughter were appropriate, this would not be Wonkette.

  • MissTaken

    and it was sent as part of a larger context of what I would call social relations in which the families would exchange numerous photos of each other,” Mr. Berger said.

    Phew! I'm not the only one who sends shirtless pics to her family!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Our family was so poor that we only had one shirt for us all. So any photos were mostly shirtless, except for one lucky family member. Finally the damn Wal-Mart shirt wore out and now we're being arrested for lewd nudity. I tell ya, there's no justice.

      • PsycWench

        At least you had a shirt. We had an old dish towel we'd take turns holding over our chests, and we were happy to have it.

        • MosesInvests

          You were looky!

  • Crank_Tango

    Zombie Breitfart is in possession of the real pix, and you bet your Benghazi, are they ever hot.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Fred Humphries II Jr

      He and Satan are furiously fapping to them.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Well wasn't Randy Andy's coffin filled with marshmallows and roasting sticks? A gravedigger's hedge fund as it were.

  • cybermoe

    Federal Bikini Inspector?

  • JadedPreppy

    This whole Homeland episode needs a guest appearance by Dexter.

    • proudgrampa

      I'm not so sure. Dex has his own issues this season…

      • JadedPreppy

        Too bad he doesn't have issues with social climbing fraud-skanks.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    'Dick' or 'Shit' or "Dickshits' always work wonderfully in redacted documents.

  • Schmannnity

    Hunky Humphries hunkers into Tampa Tramps Tabloid

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Fred Humphries II Jr

    Thus my new name is born (it was aboot time to change it).

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Oh–thought it was Shirtless Bullshit No Linky Garbage Post Fake Outrage

    • calliecallie

      Does this mean you're born again? Just saying…

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Honestly– too many links, some broken and I'm drunk. So there. Gotsta grill me some food now.

    • cybermoe

      Yes but are you, shirtless.

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        I can be, shirtless. But the grill would, hurt teh boobies. Mr. Tambourine Mannnn!!!!!!!

        • cybermoe

          Can you grill me some bacon?

    • BadKitty904

      We have plenty of home-made veggie soup and I can grill you a cheese sammich, if you'd like. :0)

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        I'm grilling jerk chicken. I have some lentils, too. (whatever that means).. laughing out lentils

        • proudgrampa

          I would love to learn how you intend to grill lentils. Aren't they gonna fall through the grill?

          • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

            I don't grill legumes, duh. Only the Jeffersons can do that.

        • James Michael Curley

          Let's all be a little kinder to chickens. I know they are not too bright, but way smarter than turkeys who are said to look up when it rains and drown when the water goes down their open throat.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      This reminds me that I'm out of chocolate, but have plenty of beer.

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Well thank god. Chocolate is for retarded people. (supposed to be a joke, but awaiting choco-lash)

  • MissTaken

    ♫ Shirtless
    Agent Man
    Shirtless
    Agent Man
    He's sending you a picture
    And showin you his moobs ♫

    • BadKitty904

      Well played!

    • Aridzona

      You owe Johnny Rivers an apology.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      I always heard that song as "Secret Asian Man", but now that China owns basically everything, everywhere, I'll forget it. It can join in the lost memory bin with everything else that the years have mercifully erased for me, also.

    • PhilippePetain

      So bad, but so good.

  • BadKitty904

    Wow, Fox Mulder has really let himself go…

    • corthylio

      Hah! Is that a Jimmy Kimmel reference?

  • barto

    Hunk a Hump a burning FAIL

  • FiscalClifford

    Mr. Shirtless FBI Agent, you're no bulldog.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Looks like Bart Simpson has growed-up. Check for permanent chalk deposits under his fingernails.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    It's THE CONTEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    MUTHAFUCKAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    CONTEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "Moob"vember?

    • C_R_Eature

      "Bro" vember?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "The photo was sent as a “joke” and was of Mr. Humphries “posing with a couple of dummies.”

    Mr. Humphries's wife, and her mother, are not amused.

  • corthylio

    On behalf of whoever asked if Broadwell had any clothing with sleeves: http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2012/11/broadwells-e…?

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Looks like the boy scout and the den-mother.

      I'll bet he was popping Advils and Powerade after she got through with him

    • shelwood46

      He's short, too? Yeah, how could anyone resist him?

  • rocktonsam

    oh it was "a JOKE."

    move along nothing to see here.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      He sent those pictures WITH VOTES!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    My favorite scene in Die Hard was when the Huey carrying the FBI agents got shot down and one of the cops said to the other "Guess we're going to need some more FBI guys."

    • Barrelhse

      You'd expect: "Well, it's a start."

  • docterry6973

    He sent the picture long before Ms. Kelley contacted him about this. I actually think that 'Ms. Kelley contacted him about this' is the more interesting clause in that sentence.

    Just how often in the larger context of what you would call social relations does he call forth the power of the FBI to conduct off-the-books investigations for his pals?

    • Steverino247

      The power of Hoover compels you!

      (Repeat as necessary…)

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    My girlfriend always says my shirtless pictures are a joke…., sigh…

    • emmelemm

      I never said that!!!

      • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        emmelemm libel!

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    If they shitcan him he can always make BigBux posing for tourist pix in Times Square.

    • BadKitty904

      "If"? Given his insanely unprofessional behavior, I'm astounded he's still with the Bureau.

  • cybermoe

    Is the user name 'largercontext' taken?

  • corthylio

    Emily Litella told me they were shortless pics…

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      No, shirtless.

      • corthylio

        Oh.

        Never mind…

        • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

          Emily Litella everyone!

          • corthylio

            God, I miss Gilda Radner. She was pretty brilliant.

          • calliecallie

            Honestly, I was just thinking of Gilda Radner this morning (because Victoria Jackson's such an ass, I suspect). And Roseanne Rosannadanna also. "It's always something."

          • corthylio

            This is one of my faves: http://www.hulu.com/watch/2364

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            "There should be more violins on television and less game shows!" So true.

          • corthylio

            For some reason, I mis-remembered her saying "sax and violins"?

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr
          • emmelemm

            Only the good die young.

          • LibertyLover

            Is that why most of the Wonketteers are olds?

          • bobbert

            Hmmm.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            "I'm 37!"

            "What?"

            "I'm 37. I'm not old."

          • LibertyLover

            Don't tell your grey hair, dear.

  • docterry6973

    "…sexting selfies to unsuspecting counsuls honorary."

    So true. You can't believe the shit we consuls honorary have to put up with.

  • proudgrampa

    Not that I care, but I have yet to see any shirtless guy. Did I miss something, or have I already had too many martinis???

    • corthylio

      These are not mutually exclusive propositions…

      • proudgrampa

        Thank you. I was starting to doubt my cognitive capacity…

  • MissTaken

    I don't think you are supposed to take the whole "every time you fuck someone you are also fucking everyone they have ever fucked" thing literally.

    • glasspusher

      Fuck that!

  • Nostrildamus

    Photo from Seattle Times

    Shirtless in Seattle?

  • Nostrildamus

    Doesn't he write that BM-intensive TV column in The Stranger?

  • TribecaMike

    Until the photos appear we'll just have to make do with this… http://i.ytimg.com/vi/_w6KO27jHmA/0.jpg

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    I, for one, do not want to see shirtless photos of Hubert H. Humphrey II either.

  • corthylio

    Augh! Not the spectre of Scott Brown again… http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1112/83843.h

  • Trinket

    I don't know about y'all, but I miss the astronaut love triangle.

  • DCBloom

    Looks like a thinner version of Hank on Breaking Bad

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    SHIRTLESSFBIGUY is too long to fit on a license plate ANYWHERE!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Does it fit if you remove the "T"?

      • corthylio

        Or the 'R'?

    • gullywompr

      There's a shorter version.

  • randomsausage

    catfight, did someone say catfight?

  • Veritas78

    For now, it's all fun'n'games because Obama's few republican hires turn out to be as sadly sleazy as their entire party.

    But just watch them try to taint BHO with their sad titty bitching. I nominate Miss Lindsey to be the first to complain, because no one had the kindness to shove a dingus up his butthole. "Water, water—everywhere! And not a drop to drink!"

  • Barrelhse

    Today, we are all sanpaku.

  • Barrelhse

    Dummies? Or blow-up dolls?

  • calliecallie

    I see an episode of Dancing with the Stars in his future.

  • lulzmonger

    That eerie noise you hear?

    That would be the ghost of J. Edgar Hoover fapping.

    • LibertyLover

      In a dress?

    • C_R_Eature

      That has to be the most disgusting Zen koan ever.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Just "posing with a couple of dummies"?????

    How dare they refer the Florida GOP leadership that way!!!!!!

  • Close_Read

    I say 20-years younger Ed Harris plays him in the movie.

    • BadKitty904

      But Ed Harris is actually attractive.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I've seen a few Ed Harris movies, but not one that shitty.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    The Army General Staff is proposing new guidelines for flag officers sexy time email called "Don't Send Don't Reply"

  • FakaktaSouth

    How much is this guy paying his lawyer? I think this "families send each other naked pics all the time, what the hell's the problem" defense is really not helpful, is it? Been better to just go with, Hey, dude tried to get some, it did (or didn't) work, what can you do? People would actually relate to and/or believe that shit, no?

  • An_Outhouse

    i prefer bare naked ladies.

  • Jerri

    "If he locked his teeth onto something, he’d be a bulldog.”

    That is not how you please a lady, fella.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      And vice versa.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Depends where the teeth land.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Doesn't Barb have her power back, yet?

  • decentcitizen

    I may not be prescient but I feel Humps career options just narrowed considerably.

  • LibertyLover

    I, for one, always look for passion in my Fibbie guys.

  • Terry

    “Fred is a passionate kind of guy,”

    He is also a dick who thought that he could use an investigation to 1. Get closer to a woman and 2. to take a wingnut swipe at the Obama administration just before an election.

    Neither is appropriate for an FBI agent. Fred can kiss his career goodbye.

  • ttommyunger

    "….Posing with a couple of dummies….?" I know one of them was a fucking dummy, fer sure.

    • shelwood46

      AOTK

  • Misty Malarky

    Jeff Gannon?!?

    Is that you?

  • corthylio

    OT: I know I only voted for Obama because he gave me an Obamaphone. What kinda demoncrat swag did y'all get?
    http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      wow. department of just doesn't get it.

      and what i got was a good president instead of an entitled asshole who couldn't manage a trip to london.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      We got a kick-ass President. Rmoney & Raynd and other fuckwits got nothing but fox news and butthurt.

  • BartStarrland

    Needz moar……… shirt.

  • mosjef

    Suggest a more appropriate description would be "shirtless, hairless, shameless, dickless, clueless Eric Kantor fudge-packing shit stain"

    • cousinitt

      Needz moar shit, even less dick.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    this dude doesn't make me feel any safer.

  • MosesInvests

    Molly Ivins quoting a Texas Ranger outside the Branch Davidian compound in Waco:

    "The three most overrated things in the world are young pussy, Mack trucks and the FBI."

    • Steverino247

      Two out of three aint bad.

  • sati_demise

    ‎"Yeah, the fact that Broadwell has ties to the Hudson Institute says a lot to me. Hudson was the only place that would hire Douglas Feith after his departure from the Office Of Special Plans (OSP). He tried to get a seat at Harvard, UC Berkeley, and if memory serves me right the Hoover Institute.

    If anyone remembers it was Feith that ran the OSP under Wolfowitz at the Pentagon which fed un-vetted intelligence (Chalabi’s fantasies) to Cheney and Scooter Libby, who would feed the lies to Judith Miller of the New York Times who would publish the anonymous source claims of Iraq’s involvement with Al-Qaeda and the existence of massive amounts of WMDs. Then the Shrub administration would use the New York Times reports to justify their reasons for invasion, because the CIA analysts and UN inspectors (even under the control of an American general) were saying the exact opposite.

    Then Larry Franklin, who worked for Feith at the OSP, got arrested by the FBI for passing confidential material to two AIPAC employees (Steve Rosen and Keith Weissman) after an almost three year surveillance/wiretapping effort. Franklin confessed, and Steve Rosen and Keith Weissman of AIPAC never went to trial.

    With Broadwell having a tie to Hudson, I’m pretty sure the rabbit hole goes pretty deep in this current debacle." gbk
    hehe he said rabbit hole

  • ElPinche

    You know who else was an "obsessive type?"

    • not that Dewey
      • Negropolis

        Actual moss? You know, it's so clingy.

    • FlipFlopFuck

      Linda Tripp?

  • BadKitty904

    Bear in mind that *WE* are paying this bozo's salary.

  • Negropolis

    Totally OT: But John McCain can go sit on a Sedona cactus for all I care, and take his whiney little bitch with him, excuse my French, for what they've tried to do to Susan Rice. Graham put out a shitty little statement, tonight, doubling down on his disgusting comments. I hope both get caught in scandals before their terms are up and they have to design in disgrace.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Really.
      Little, whiny, titty babies!

    • Negropolis

      LOL! @ "Design in Disgrace."

      Unintentional jokes are the best jokes, right?

      • bobbert

        I await Miss Lindsay's clothing line.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          She's doing some amazing things in Sans-a-belt with Jamacain as the main model. They are going places, sister!

    • glamourdammerung

      Well, given that Songbird McCain is still crying about the last time he took on President Obama, I am not sure why he would want to go at it again.

      Actually, I do know why. Because he is a moron with no principles.

      As far as Ms. Lindsey, I would think it would be hilarious if President Obama brings up his "mandate" as often as possible while looking dead at Graham. Hilarity would ensue.

    • Dr. Nick Riviera

      Didn't McCain already get caught in a big scandel? You can't pry that flabby ass out of Congress apparently.

      • sullivanst

        You mean that time he tried to protect one of his corrupt bank-owning buddies at the height of the Savings & Loan crisis?

      • James Michael Curley

        The Keating 5 scandal. Ages ago and McCain was somewhat cleared by the Senate Ethics Committee but had his wrist slapped for his unwise conduct. All five had received well over $1 million from Charles Keating when the Lincoln Federal Savings collapsed costing the US Government multiple billions. The senators were instrumental in sidetracking the attempt to prosecute Keating.

  • Negropolis

    Check this guy's backyard. NOW. This is the kind of face that tells you he has binders-full of hookers pushing daisies.

  • Negropolis

    Strange, whenever I see that pic "put the lotion in the basket" is the only thing that runs through my mind.

  • glamourdammerung

    I am still not sure why the shirtless picture is that big of a deal. I guess I have just been to more beaches than most folks.

    • Negropolis

      Well, because obviously he wasn't just sending pics of himself with his family at the beach.

  • Manhattan123

    When does he start his Fox News "commenting" career? I'm guessing by the end of the year.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Putin?

  • malsperanza

    NYT isn't the only catty bitch. Here's Roll Call insulting the new head of the NRSC: http://atr.rollcall.com/senate-republicans-pick-m

    • TribecaMike

      What the heck is that thing?

  • SubhumanVarmint

    This shit is getting weirder.

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Telemundo, make this into your next telenovela. I promise I will watch it, even if my Spanish isn't up to par. PLEASE!

  • skyshoes

    Has anybody caught on that this is a conclave of republicans? the shirtless FBI guy's wingnoia(R) was so extreme he contacted a congressman(R) in Washington who in turn contacted his putzworthyness Eric Cantor(R). Because Patreus(R) was boffing a cougar(R) Broadsomething who was narced out by the socialite Kelly(R) "ambassador"… [puff puff catches breath]….It really is the vagina(R) monologues!

  • bobloblawlawblg

    This whole thing is bothering me for a few reasons.

    1. This Kelley chick seems like she (or her publicist) is on a mission to create the facade of being the most irresistible woman ever. Methinks a reality show is her goal, especially given her financial problems? Giving her attention just seems to help her *shudder*

    2. Even with all the information out there, people are still assuming Broadwell was jealous because of Kelley's relationship with Petraeus? The emails she sent were telling Kelley to "tone it down" and asking "who the hell she thinks she is" (and the like). That, to me, sounds like someone who has busted her ass in a tough, misogynistic world her whole adult life, then finds some bimbo bouncing up to spec. ops. claiming she's a VIP and gets to parachute with them/gets diplomatic immunity/etc. without ever setting boot in camp.

    In short: Why is it not even entertained as a possibility that Broadwell is defending military culture, rather than fighting for dick? Oh, right, because that doesn't fit into the more saleable, bodice-rippy narrative? Blech.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

      Seriously, this right here. The more we hear about Kelley, the more plausable this seems, over the "Broadwell was being a jealous hussie" narrative that's taken over, especially since we first heard that the emails weren't actually all they were cracked up to be, and were only escalated because Kelly had a friend who is a self-styled Fox Mulder, and then the whole "diplomatic inviolability" brauhaha.

      No, sorry. As attractive as the whole "fatal attraction"/Overly-Attached Girlfriend narrative is, sexy-media-wise, it honestly seems more likely that Kelley actually did need someone to tell her to tone it down, because she actually DOESN'T work for the State department or anything.

  • myykuul

    He does have that certain, nearly definable quality…like Malkovich's character in "Burn This" but since our shirtless agent is FBI, a decidedly local je ne sais quoi, oui?

  • dccajun

    Wouldn't a G-String be a regular part of a G-Man's wardrobe?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    The photo was sent as a “joke” and was of Mr. Humphries “posing with a couple of dummies.”

    A couple of dummies like this?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Damn, the FBI has fallen a long way. J. Edgar Hoover never sent shirtless pictures of himself to women. Clyde Tolson yes, but cheap whores like Jill Kelley? Never!

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    He apparently held up two dummies, but I couldn't figure out which one was the dummy.

  • leydeatraccion7

    Thank you for not posting the actual shirtless pictures.