our hero

Barack Obama Will Punch Graham’s and McCain’s Lights Out Probably, He Is So Mad About Them Slagging Susan Rice

Earlier we brought you the BREAKING NEWS that Senator John McCain is a puckered old asshole, and also why he is full of poo. B. Barry Bamz responded to McCain’s typical slurring of UN Ambassador Susan Rice in his press conference today by going all HULK SMASH and practically challenging McCain and his partner in E-vil, Miss Lindsey Graham, to fisticuffs! Here is a thought problem for our Internet friends: Was it SEXISMS by Barack Obama to get all het up on Rice’s behalf? Like, we cannot imagine him being so ruffled and dandery and whatnot if it were, say, Simon Rice under attack? The answer, of course, is YES it is sexisms. But it is our Barry O, so it is okay?

Yes. It is okay.

Just as we still expect more politesse in a debate with a woman opponent even though “but but but they shouldn’t be a little flower” — COUGH SCOTT BROWN COUGH — it is also okay to get more patriarchal-I’ll-protect-you-Little-Lady when someone is attacking us for no good fucking reason at all.

One of the many reasons Lady Americans are still vastly underrepresented in politics is because it’s shitty and mean and people attack you for no good fucking reason at all, and when we do that, we like to do it in anonymous emails. (Granted, there now seem to have been some reasons someone might want to go all Internet Stalker on someone else.)

So having some big strong men — “white knights,” even! — come in and enforce some FUCKING CIVILITY on our behalf and redecorate the boys club and make the Senate Women’s Restroom bigger while we’re at it, is an unmitigated good.

Still sexist though.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. ProgressiveInga

      Do NOT tweet your junk, Mr. President. We believe you have the biggest, swinging-est one on the planet.

  1. nounverb911

    Wait! Isn’t McCain the one that got the Croix de Guerre from Ho Chi Minh for setting the USS Forrestal on fire?

    1. sullivanst

      Yes, when she is at a safe distance from the President and the Secret Service, she is ready to tell some journalist that she totes felt like punching him.

  2. Oblios_Cap

    Senator John McCain is a puckered old asshole, and also why he is full of poo.

    Hardly Breaking News.

      1. DCBloom

        Ha! I had to explain to my sweet little mother-in-law all about Miss Graham. She was shocked when I pointed out the obvious. So cute! Oldsters just have no gaydar

    1. emmelemm

      Talk me off the ledge again, Weej. I went to read that article and my eyes fell upon some of the comments. Faith in humanity: shaken.


      1. weejee

        Those comments are just sanitary flooring for electronic parakeets. Simply poop catchers. We should sic Indiepalin on them to collect another wheelbarrow full of downfists.

  3. skoalrebel

    Rice, dudes and dudettes. [spit] Fuckin' stuff is from China! The Kenyan Moose limb is tryin' to turn our foreign policy over to the Chinks! [spit!] Connect the dots, sheeple! Pretty soon the gay illegals will establish Sharia so that their anchor babies can practice jihad on white womens! [spit! ]

      1. bobbert

        Oh, have you been introduced to skoalrebel? He's been absent for a while.

        Generally, wtf? is the correct reaction. Ironically, of course.

  4. SorosBot

    Does anyone take what grouch old McCain says seriously anymore anyway? I mean, aside from the Sunday morning talk show bubble?

    1. weejee

      Look at all the Sunday morning talkie ads. Incontinence, erectile dysfunction, constipation, arthritis, lumbago, diabetics, and all might point at leaning to oldes when putting together your guest list. A young guest might not know about rotary dial phones and rabbit ear antennas.

      1. SorosBot

        It's not just Sunday morning, all the network news is filled with nothing but drug ads for the elderly Baby Boomers, because that's the only people who watch network news anymore. So yeah, of course the geriatric likes of McCain and Lieberman appeal to those ancient demographics.

        Although a lot of young folks do know a lot about antennas, after refusing to pay the $100 or more a month for cable and replacing it with a digital antenna, along with Hulu and Netflix and other streaming services.

    2. Lot_49

      Fox, CNN, ABC, NBC and CBS have an hour each to fill every Sunday morning. Well, only 30 minutes for CBS. Somebody's got to get up early, put on makeup, go out there under the lights and bloviate since Chuck Hegel retired. Turns out old WALNUTS! doesn't have much else to do on Sunday, and it's not like he's motorboating Cindy's exquisitely sculptured 25-year-old tits when he wakes up with a hardon,.

        1. Lot_49

          Please, I was just getting started when your comment cut me off. He can't motorboat Cindy cuz she hates his ass, and stays in her conjoined high-rise oceanfront condos on Coronodo island near San Diego. The reason he couldn't remember how many houses he owns is that she won't let him in most of them. She's probably getting it from Manuel the illegal gardener at her Scottsdale place.

        2. One_who_wanders

          Do what I do: I have subscribed to a monthly delivery of brain bleach delivered directly to my door so I can continue to read Wonkette with relative impunity.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    Wait, was Petreaus sleeping with Susan Rice, too? (Sorry, I am getting all my RW outrage talking points confused.)

    These dumb asses act like Susan Rice shot these 4 guys herself.

  6. YouBetcha

    I'm glad to see Hopey get a little more "fuck you, assholes" in his 2nd term. Let's hope we see more of this, and less cooperation. Because fuck these assholes.

    1. SorosBot

      Oh yeah, now that he doesn't have to worry about reelection, and has had to deal with the Republicans' obstructionist bullshit for so long, I hope we get to see more Barack unleashed. Maybe he could start with a fuck you like inviting Rev. Wright to give his inauguration benediction.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        And Bill Ayers and any other terrorists he palled around with. Just to see the Fox heads explode.

        1. sewollef

          I think declaring himself an atheist and refusing to swear on any magic book, would be the way to go.

          Except to say "fuck you republicans."

      2. pac

        And invite his dead father, you know Frank Marshall Davis, to the inauguration. With a big George Soros mural in the background. Just for kicks. Forward!

  7. Shypixel

    Depending on which definition you use, simply acknowledging that women exist separately from men is sexist…

  8. Zango Crudmonger

    Bamz' visage is resolute, a Sisyphean demeanor for pushing the obstructionist rock over Bullshit Mountain.

    1. PugglesRule

      I bet he wakes up every day and thinks, "Holy fuck, I have to deal with this boatload of nitwits AGAIN?"

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!
        Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!
        Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!

      1. Crank_Tango

        Oh snap! Remember the last black lady SoS we had, and that "Bin Laden determined to strike in US" memo before she got the job?

        Me neither.

    1. sullivanst

      I'm thinking mostly just the basest, most craven political opportunism I have ever seen in real time.

  9. Raskolnikova

    Referencing the LOSER Files.. Isn't Clock-Hand the same Mental Midget that suffocated us with the Alaskan Moose Knuckle Barbie?

  10. Goonemeritus

    But in her position as UN ambassador isn’t she directing black helicopters to spy on my soft drink consumption.

  11. Oblios_Cap

    It's hard to imagine that a country that produced Woody Gutherie and John Prine – among others – could produce assholes like McCain and Ryan.

    Explain to me again how John McCain's getting captured in wartime somehow qualifies him to be an expert on all things military. Did they have a War College in the Hanoi Hilton?

    1. hagajim

      John McCain is an expert on two things….1) crashing planes at inopportune times; and 2) picking the biggest dumb ass in the world to be his running mate.

    2. lulzmonger


      Walnuts was only SECOND worst in his class at West Point.

  12. MissTaken

    It's not that Barry is a Man and Susan Rice is a Woman. It's that Barry is her boss and may appoint her to his cabinet. I would be pissed if my boss, male or female, didn't stand up for me if I was being called out for incompetence by geriatric war mongers.

    1. hagajim

      My thought exactly. It's too rare anymore that a boss actually stands up for their employees and Barry did a helluva job here. I wish my boss would do the same.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        My boss broke his foot so he is riding this knee wheely thing around and is only here but 2 hours a day for weeks. Though, if he could stand, he would stand up for me.

        He might whimper as he does it.

    2. kingofmeh

      of course. why is it surprising that having the president tell mccain to piss off is better than having rice go in front of the cameras and say "stop being mean to me, you guys"? using a surrogate is always better, regardless of the sex of the person attacked.

  13. gullywompr


    (PS – lotta searching for the One True Feminism on teh Wonketz of late… Let me know what I can do to help.)

  14. James Michael Curley

    Somebody finally found a use for the word politeese since Keith Richards spelled 'politics' wrong.

  15. sati_demise

    “Mr. President, don’t think for one minute I don’t hold you ultimately responsible for Benghazi,” Graham said in a statement. “I think you failed as Commander in Chief before, during, and after the attack.”
    Said little sissy Lindsey Graham. What a pansy not to say it to his face.

    1. BadKitty904

      I'm pretty sure that Bamz doesn't think for one minute that Miz Lindsey doesn't hold him ultimately responsible for Benghazi. And I'm equally sure that he cares even less than the average American does.

      1. sullivanst

        Barry was probably briefly tempted to tell Ham Biscuits to suck his dick, until he remembered that he'd probably take that as a sincere invitation.

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      Does that little bitch Lindsey Graham hold George W. Bush responsible for 9/11 and the Iraq war clusterfuck?

    3. JustPixelz

      WOW! The standard sure has changed since Dubya was Preznit. After 9/11, the Repubicans called him a hero when four Americans were killed. (Plus 2996 more.)

      1. sullivanst

        Yeah, I don't remember McCabe or Ham Biscuits clammoring for probes every time four or more Americans were killed in Iraq or Afghanistan (every day of the Bush administration, pretty much)

  16. calliecallie

    Lindsay Graham can suck it.

    Obama said they had tried to besmirch her reputation. Besmirch is another word we don't hear often enough in the national political discourse.

    He said "disgorged," too. Tee hee.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    If the damned Benghazi attack had happened four years ago, it would've been "All Quiet on the North African Front." If John McCain had a lick of fuckin' sense he'd drop this charade like it was an incompetent running mate. Oh, wait.

  18. jolpaj

    Guys. "E-Viyil" has a y and an i in it. Otherwise, I don't know, it just looks like you're talking about a late 90's internet company, like e-toys.com or e-petstuff or whatever.

  19. docterry6973

    Just as we still expect more politesse in a debate with a woman opponent …

    In my thought experiment I try to picture Scott Brown saying to a man, "Look at him. Does he look like an Indian?"

    And it doesn't work. I can't see Brown attacking a man in that way.

      1. snowpointsecret

        It astounds me that "Professor" can be used as an insult in the first place. It's like demeaning someone for being smart.

        Oh wait, this is the Republican Party we're talking about. Carry on.

  20. synykyl

    Just wait until John McCain finds out how many Americans have died because they had no health insurance. I bet he'll *really* be angry then!

  21. teebob2000

    Let me get this straight: Susan Rice goes on Sunday news talkers to explain the Benghazi situation 5 days after the attack in which 4 Americans were tragically killed, describing it as the intel knew it at that point. And that disqualifies her for SOS.

    Meanwhile, Condi testifies UNDER OATH that the Middle East will become a "mushroom cloud" because of non-existent WMD Iraq never had, due to faked intel, and got us into a war which killed 5000 American troops, countless Iraqi civilians ("countless" because we couldn't be bothered to count them), and put $5 Trillion on the American tax-payer's bill. And that qualifies her for SOS.

    Makes perfect sense to me.

    1. Defeatably_Joe

      Walnuts and Hambiscuits were actually both pretty major supporters of that previous Rice appointment, in fact, and both gave rode the "Nobody could have known" hobby horse all around the Sunday talk circuit as part of the push to get her confirmed.

      But yeah, this is what leads me to believe that it's not really any more sexist than every fucking thing Republicans do all the time, every day, but rather, the dominant motive at work here is just some good, old-fashioned, shockingly blatant partisan hypocrisy.

  22. glamourdammerung

    On one hand, he is whiting knighting for Rice, but at the same time, we all know that Songbird would not have been nearly as confrontational if Rice was a guy. So it balances out.

  23. MacRaith

    Memo to the GOP: The entire country opened a huge can of whoop-ass on you last week. With real, live, actual votes, no less. We gave the President a mandate to smack you down as hard and as often as necessary, and he seems to have gotten the message. So keep up with the same bullshit you've been spreading for the past four years, and it will go very badly for you. You've been warned.

  24. snowpointsecret

    Reminder from Fox News: It's only a war on women when women fight back. And then the women are the ones attacking women, apparently.

    Good luck figuring all that out, I got dizzy from typing it.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Same rules as class warfare, which Fucks Gnus called a "war" only when the 99% started to fight back.

    1. shelwood46

      This post (and yesterday's about Broadwell) is just baffling. Yes, Obama would have said EXACTLY the same thing if Rice was a man. Rebecca needs to lay off writing about women's issues, including pretend women's issues, because she's putting her foot really far into her mouth.

  25. ingloriousbytch

    1.) That's not sexism. That Barry having his employee's back and it's pretty nice to see after the flood of Papa John style assholes who are firing people and blaming Obama's win.

    2.) Is it me or does Barry seem to be running out of fucks to give? All that time spent with Bill Clinton seems to have rubbed off on him. Me likey.

  26. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    I'm so glad Bamz won last week. Can you imagine the verbal shitstorm we'd be trying to swim through if Mittens had won?

  27. sullivanst

    It's certainly the case that in defending her, he said nothing gender specific apart from choosing the correct pronoun.

    I've been fuming for over two months about the GOP's disgusting grandstanding on Benghazi, their continuing determination to twist the deaths of four good public servants for political advantage. I can only imagine how Barack feels about it, especially knowing that he had to tread extremely carefully on account of the election. Now that said election is done and dusted, to see them still trying to snatch the flags off the caskets to drape over themselves, and to try to shit over the UN Ambassador as a way to try to attack Obama, is fucking nauseating.

    At long last, have they no shame? No, they do not.

  28. Both Sides Do It

    Maybe it's because of Teh Petraenus but it seems like the public exploration of sexism and misogyny that made up such a big part of the campaign is continuing

    Please please please please let this be the case

    As soon as Nobama raises taxes this'll all probably go out the window in favor of ooga-booga socialism nonsense but for now . . . encouraging

  29. fredbell

    Senator Ham-Biscuits fires back (he's going all in):

    “Mr. President, don’t think for one minute I don’t hold you ultimately responsible for Benghazi. I think you failed as Commander in Chief before, during, and after the attack.

    “We owe it to the American people and the victims of this attack to have full, fair hearings and accountability be assigned where appropriate. Given what I know now, I have no intention of promoting anyone who is up to their eyeballs in the Benghazi debacle.”

  30. BadKitty904

    You know the media is just itching for her to get the SoS position, so they can run headlines like "Obama Sends Rice to India and China".

  31. rickmaci

    Way to go Walnuts and LinGra. Show us how the Reptardlicans want to turn over a new leaf and reach out to women….by declaring war on a woman. You guys are in a fucking hole. Does it occur to you that the thing to do is stop digging and put down the shovels?

  32. Biel_ze_Bubba

    That damned fuzzy line between chivalry and sexism has always been tricky to navigate. (I still open doors for the ladiez, chauvinist old fart that I am.)

  33. corthylio

    I've never really cared to identify myself as as a feminist- I think of myself as a humanist.

    Was it sexist for Obama to come to Rice's defense? I think he would have stuck up for a male in her position, but perhaps without sounding as protective. He wasn't at all condescending, though, and I think that's the key issue for many of us vag-Americans.

    1. BadKitty904

      I agree. I read it as him being defensive (in the good way), standing up for one of his team, rather than coming across as "the great, big MALE." Based on what I've seen of his relationship with the First Lady, Bamz has enormous respect for vagetarians.

  34. Abernathy

    Am I losing my sarcasm radar? Standing up for your political ally when a political opponent says they're shady is sexist but calling Paula Braodwell a skanky McSluttington who used her vagina dentata to ruin the glorious CIA isn't? Help me out here.

  35. BaldarTFlagass

    I hope Barry grows him a big ass angry black man Afro for his second term. And then keeps one of those Afro picks in it, the kind with the Black Power fist at the end of the handle.

    1. BadKitty904

      Who's the cat that won't cop out,
      When McCain shoots off his mouth?
      Right on!

      *cue some Isaac-Hayes-style funk*

  36. BaldarTFlagass

    "You're all Repub-men."
    "What if we are?"
    Obie pours the beer on the floor.
    "You know kid, uhh, usually when someone pulls shit like that my first reaction is, uhh, I want to punch his fucking lights out. But you know something? You're all right!"

  37. bobloblawlawblg

    Disagree about the sexisms. I think he's just pissed that they lost the election because of douchebaggery, and yet continue to douchebag it all up on the Senate floor. Professorial instincts cannot compute such inanity.

  38. rocktonsam

    ""Watergate style investigation"
    wasn't that against a repub president and his crooked henchman?
    isn't this all about a general with his pants down with a gal who is as driven as he was?
    fuck you Lindsey and walnuts your time is done and your act is warn out.didn't you get that on November 6th?

  39. Wadisay

    Barry needs to remember that he needs to punch up, not down–not easy when you're the PotUS. I would start by blaming God for Hurricane Sandy.

    1. GlowneyHouse

      With a hurricane centering over Tampa at Repub convention time and Sandy taking a bizarre path to stop Romney's momentum they were given divine proof not once but TWICE that Jehovah was pulling for the black man.

  40. AddHomonym

    So, is it sexist to open the door for a woman, or is it sexist not to open the door for a woman?

    We're waiting.

  41. Boojum

    Whether or not it is sexism, it is righteous for the guy with the power — the POTUS — to step up and defend the person who does not have the power against the two old biddies who think they have power and will therefore abuse it. Barry O. is my hero.

  42. fawkedifiknow

    So McCain is going to do everything in his power to prevent her appointment, huh? That's little more than someone like me making the same empty threat. Someone needs to tell that shriveled up old has-been that he doesn't have any clout, and neither does that mincing queen with him.

  43. corthylio

    Snark off- do any of you legal eagles think this show of hostility by Walnuts & Ham Biscuits has anything to do with the amicus brief they filed yesterday supporting Obama in Hedges v. Obama?

    Snark back on- salted rat dicks having buttsechs or GTFO…

  44. decentcitizen

    I think it's more troubling that O has not been as confrontational on all his appointments, especially to the bench.

  45. MozakiBlocks

    words…and…enunciates…them…very…clearly…so…the…idiots…understand…what…he …means…

  46. lulzmonger

    MEMO TO TEH GOP: Someone is getting REALLY tired of your weak shit.

    I think I'd be happier hearing "You've got a problem with me" from a Hell's Angel than a standing POTUS … at least until the Angels get their own drones.

  47. Negropolis

    Totally not getting the sexism angle. This is about McCain being the dick that he always was and trying to shit on another of Obama's election victories, and spouting egregious lies. This has nothing to do with Susan Rice being a woman, and really little to do with Susan Rice, at all. This is about an ongoing fued on John McCain's end.

    This was a really strange angle of addressing this issue.

  48. Negropolis

    Obama went after those bastards like black on rice.

    But, in all seriousness, I hope that the president makes them regret picking this fight. It's time to start taking down some of the road blocks, and I care not about the means to go about doing this.

    McCain is legendary for holding grudges. He hated Dubya's fucking guts, not for his ideology, but because he was beaten by him. I used to kind of like seeing him give Dubya a hard time, but I'm grown up, now, and see how stupid and petty this shit is. Time someone punched him in his rotten, little mouth…with votes.

  49. yyyaz

    Depends. … Vitter's beyotches prolly would charge Walnuts more than they do Li'l Davey cuz nasty old man buttcrack smell, and all those wrinkles for the poo to hide in, etc.

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