The Walking Dead

Loser Congressman Joe Walsh Predictably Refuses To Go Away, Weighs Run For Senate Or Governor Or DWTS Or Something

Graaaaagh! Mnnnaarrgh! MUST SEEK OFFICE!Check your betting slips, kids! Who had Joe Walsh (R-Camp Crystal Lake) in the betting pool for “first defeated douchecanoe to announce they’re running again”? The deadbeat dad and shouty pantsload won the honor of leading off our “Pantheon of Fallen Heroes” series last week, and now he’s pursuing the coveted Not Quite Dead status of such legendary comeback kids as Grover Cleveland, Richard Nixon, and Jason Voorhees (only time will tell whether Walsh will ever attain Joker Immunity, however). In fact, within just 12 hours of losing his House race to Tammy Duckworth by a full 10 points, Walsh was speculating that it might be fun to run for Illinois Governor, or maybe for the U.S. Senate.

In an interview with the Daily Herald (“Suburban Chicago’s Information Source”) following his loss to Duckworth, Walsh was asked if he’d run for governor.

You know that I believe fervently in that vision. I don’t know of many other candidates who articulate that vision. Am I going to do something? Oh gosh, I don’t know. People approach me every day and ask, “Walsh, are you going to run for the governor? Are you going to run for Senate?” I want to do my part to lead a movement to present a vision to this. I’d rather go down fighting. Democrats have ruined this state but they’ve been able to do it because the Republicans have allowed them to.

Further, asked if he might consider becoming a media pundit of some sort (on public access cable, we hope!), Walsh came as close to self-awareness as he is ever likely to, acknowledging “I’ve got a lot of flaws as a candidate” but then adding, “But I can talk to any person in everyday language.” Presumably he means shouting out talking points, which he is quite good at.

And so, get ready for the Return of Joe Walsh to the pages of Your Wonkette. He really is the gift that keeps on giving. Except, of course, to his kids.

[PoliticalWire / DailyHerald]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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    1. Weedlord BonerHitler

      Yeah. That really burns me. You know those kids did without for years while his wife scraped and saved and borrowed and sold whatever dignity or self-respect she had to put food in their stomachs and clothes on their backs. That fecking useless PoS.

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    "People approach me every day and ask, “Walsh, are you going to run for the governor? Are you going to run for Senate?” Then when I tell them which Joe Walsh I am, they just turn their pretty heads and walk away."

  2. hagajim

    I hereby nominate Mr. Walsh for douchecanoe of the year…and man who obviously has lost all touch with reality.

    1. ButthurtWingers2012

      He has some stiff competition on that front…I mean Karl Rove is such an out-of-touch douchecanoe with a broken grasp of reality he went about the humiliating task of making FOX'S decision desk have to tell him to go fuck off through hairdoo Meghan Kelly. Then we have the doughy pantloads analog in Allen West who is such a nut with a poor grasp of reality he impounded the vote in his election loss while pretending there was some vast conspiracy against him…which is kind of true, I mean reality is pretty vast, come to think of it….

      Last but not least we have Moneybot 9000 who was so sure he'd win…well, it speaks for itself, no need to further elaborate.

    1. actor212

      LIAR LIAR! He's continuously approached.

      Sheriffs, bountyhunters…


      Oh surrrrrrre! Edit to answer my reply just as I'm making it! See if I care!

          1. Jimmyone

            I wanted to say happy T-day for what it is worth…at least I hope you are enjoying a nice peaceful day, surrounded by good people and good food…eat wisely…imbibe profusely…is my wish for my brother…Harvest is in and I volunteered to do my patriotic duty to the great State of Depravity as a quality control analyst of the third order….So far, I have found two standards in which I identify each sample…Standing Upright…and Face Plant….Jury is still out on the funny looking sample…have to keep waking up to re-light…oh the effort….any way see ya on the innertubes/funny papers…

          2. Weedlord BonerHitler

            Thank you, Jimmyone my brother! We're having a laid back day here at Eagleshit Towers. All the neighbours seem to have gone out of town, which means blessed peace and quiet. We're watching movies, eating lots of good food, and imbibing of the Sacred Herb. I prefer to think of my two standards as "Giggle Grass" and "Dope." The latter knocks you out, and the first turns you into a fucking genius of creativity, at least until you sober up. :)

    1. weejee

      ♪♫ Signed, sealed, and delivered ♫♪

      Well signed anyway. The first ever orficial White House Mommy Blog!!

      / oops, missed yer post Fare

    2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Signed. And also signed the one to strip citizenship and exile anyone signing petitions to secede from the US. Also noticed Alabama, Georgia and Texas secessions have each garnered over 20,000 signatures.

    3. Dudleydidwrong

      Whew! I signed #14. For a minute I thought that I would be # 13 and would have to start a petition to eliminate the #13 from all petition drives, hotel floors, and lists of Republican assholes.

      1. Spurning Beer

        Not only have I noticed, I cooked up a batch of White House Honey Ale last Saturday. I aim to serve it at Innauguration Day festivities.

        I love that the recipes were released in response to a FOIA request.

    4. emmelemm

      OK, I signed, but just wait until someone does the "Report this petition as inappropriate…" Where will we be then?

      On second thought, one could do that to all the secession petitions and see what happens.

    5. TribecaMike

      O beautiful for pilgrim feet
      Whose stern impassioned stress
      A thoroughfare of freedom beat
      Across the wilderness!
      America! America!
      God mend thine every flaw,
      Confirm thy soul in self-control,
      Thy liberty in law!

  3. Joshua Norton

    And so, get ready for the Return of Joe Walsh to the pages of Your Wonkette.

    Wingnut/Goldfish Attention Span:

    Oh Wow! A Castle!

    One Mississippi
    Two Mississippi
    Three Mississippi

    Oh Wow! A Castle!

    One Mississippi
    Two Mississippi
    Three Mississippi

    Oh Wow! A Castle!

    1. actor212

      It's a good thing he lost or we'd have to establish a number system for posts involving him, like "1" would be "The Eagles Suck", "2" would mean "Rocky Mountain Way," "3" = "Dirty Laundry," etc…

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          I like his Building the Perfect Beast album, but it was mostly because of Mike Campbell of TP/Heartbreakers providing the guitar licks.

          1. bobbert

            I'll be ridiculed for this, but I think "Boys of Summer" is downright catchy. And I've always had a soft spot for "You Must Not Be Drinking Enough".

  4. SexySmurf

    Joe is selling himself short. He should run for President. Or Secretary General of the UN. Or Dictator of the Galactic Confederacy.

  5. el_donaldo

    Install a cardboard mockup of a television camera in his living room and tell him it's a live feed to Fox News. He'll never leave the room again.

  6. SorosBot

    Yeah, he'll do so much better in a statewide race in reliably liberal Illinois than in the right-leaning Congressional district he already lost.

    1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Plus, I hate to break it to him but our Republican Senator Mark Kirk hasn't said he was planning to give up his seat, despite his health issues.

  7. ManchuCandidate

    He's going to end up in prison anyway, but I suspect that the people of Illinois would prefer to cut out the taxpayer middleman, he not collect his pension and go directly to jail.

  8. Ground Zero Mostel

    Yes. Please become a pundit on Faux News and continue to insult veterans and women. Thank you for being a stealth progressive and your continued work driving these constituencies further into the progressive camp.

  9. UnholyMoses

    People approach me every day and ask, “Walsh, are you going to run for the governor? Are you going to run for Senate?”

    A better question people should ask Mr. Shouty McDeadbeatpants: "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PAY UP YOUR CHILD SUPPORT, FUCKFACE?"

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Why do I suspect that Illinoisians have a better chance of seeing Walsh as Governor than his own kids have of seeing daddy help mommy pay for their college.?

  10. SorosBot

    Wait, if the deadbeat somehow does become Governor then this being Illinois we'd soon be seeing him in prison.

    1. fuflans

      i do not think this shouty loser has what it takes to be an incarcerated IL governor.

      some of us are very proud of that record and take these things very seriously.

    2. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      In Illinois getting elected governor comes with an automatic 10 year prison sentence upon completion of your term of office. Saves the taxpayers of Illinois the cost of the trial.

  11. Oblios_Cap

    Most folks that lose a congressional race go straight to the Governor's Mansion, especially in IL.

    Run, Joe, Run!

  12. FakaktaSouth

    Who taught him the word "vision"? Cause all I see is a serious moron trying to come up with a way to keep suckering even dumber tea-tards into sending him money. And the tea-tards? They really do think they are still a thing – the whole "they should have listened to us MORE if they wanted to win" whining is just not going away. I'm kind of enjoying it.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Article today in the Seattle Times interviewing a few Seattle based teatards. One lady gets angry every time she goes to Trader Joe's because she knows she is surrounded by people who are destroying freedom. Just having confirmation that they really are miserable and angry most of the time made my day.

        1. emmelemm

          Having been to the (incredibly cramped) parking lot of the Trader Joe's in question, I've thought about running over a few people with my car.

    2. prommie

      Sustained rabble-rousing sure does lead to a roused-up rabble, doesn't it? Demagoguery works, on a short-term basis. You can panic and scare people into watching your fake news network, or voting for you, or contributing to you cause. But it only works short-term, kinda like cocaine only works short-term as a way to find happiness. Because real quick, it loses effectiveness, and you have to start upping the dose or amping up the rhetoric, and before you know it you are a skritchy wreck who has been up for 4 days straight in a blind shrieking panic and you are paranoid, angry, and dangerous to be around.

    3. bikerlaureate

      Bless you. I thought maybe he just learned that word or something.

      "I want to do my part to lead a movement to present a vision to this." ??
      Time to check his glass for happy juice…

  13. Tequila Mockingbird

    Well, I heard some people talkin' just the other day. They said we were gonna put Joe on a shelf. But let me tell you, I got some news for you – and you'll soon find out it's true – and then Joe will have to eat his lunch all by himself.

  14. Callyson

    Who had Joe Walsh (R-Camp Crystal Lake) in the betting pool for “first defeated douchecanoe to announce they’re running again”?

    Dammit, I thought Allen West was a sure thing…

    (rips up ticket, bitches about money down the drain…)

    1. nothingisamiss

      Nah, he still thinks he’s won. You didn’t count on the delusions. Living in the reality based communities, it gets us every time.

  15. Callyson

    People approach me every day and ask, “Walsh, are you going to run for the governor? Are you going to run for Senate?”

    Yes, and those people are professional comedians who miss you already…

    1. schvitzatura

      I will now play Von Südenfed's "The Rhinohead (Pilooski Edit)" in honor of your dishonor of Joe.

      Mark E. Smith for IL 2014!

  16. BeefHardcake

    Speaking as an Illinois resident, all I can say is: PLEASE PLEASE RUN FOR GOVERNOR. That would be comedy fodder for years to come.

      1. BeefHardcake

        If I've learned anything this election cycle, it's that the well of the GOP crazy is deep and never-ending.

  17. secanonymous

    Hey Joe, I know this guy named Blagojevich who's 'got this thing' he can get you in exchange for an extended sleepover.

  18. HateMachine

    Dok, what did we ever do to you to merit the punishment of a TV Tropes link? There goes my afternoon…

    1. Doktor Zoom

      bwahahahahaa, my fiendish plot to destroy America's productivity continues apace!

      Now, my minions, UNLEASH THE CAT VIDEOS!

  19. paulabflat

    i think it might be fun to fill joe walsh's mouth with marbles until his jaws click. then push in more marbles.

    yeah. fun.

  20. Defeatably_Joe

    Not Quite Dead [...] Joker Immunity

    Jesus Christ, Dok, warn us next time, before you start linking to that goddamned black hole. Some of us have some work to do, at all, today.

  21. Lizzietish81

    I think it would be great. I mean Karl Rove, being the brilliant tactician and financial manager he is, could burn more money financing his campaign.

    1. DCBloom

      So true. My husband worked with the Wildlife Commission. There was a guy he worked with that was constantly going on & on about small gov't. He'd look at incredulously and ask him if he realized that he WAS the big gov't they want to cut. Complete cognitive dissonance

      1. Fox n Fiends

        I was just reading about the leader of an ultra-conservative superpac, the guy got rich by making locks for prison doors. Every penny he's ever earned is from taxpayer money. Hates the government.

  22. editor

    "You know that I believe fervently in that vision."

    which would be the vision of paying yourself $5000 a month from campaign funds for being such a good shouter, i take it. yeah, probably a more attractive vision than deranged street corner shouter, which is the only job alternative i see for this wack job.

    1. James Michael Curley

      In the rare event of cross-site scripting lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury.

  23. Hammiepants

    I just want to say I love "shouty pantsload" and I will actively seek out situations where I can use it.

  24. Terry

    "Further, asked if he might consider becoming a media pundit of some sort (on public access cable, we hope!)"

    On the new tea bagger TV network, perhaps.

  25. mbobier

    "Am I going to do something? Oh gosh, I don’t know" was pretty much his motto the entire time he was a Congresscritter.

    1. bikerlaureate

      He doesn't know many other candidates that articulate that vision, primarily because they're all speaking English.

  26. Jerri

    I hope Nobama's FEMA camps really do come true, and I hope they have a heavy focus on reading, writing, and sentence diagramming because goddamn do these Republicans suck at constructing sentences make sense.

    'Course, I suppose it would be hard for any of us to speak properly with all that bullshit filling up our talk-holes.

  27. James Michael Curley

    I'd like to see an estimate of how many of the furiously indignant 'tea party' of 2010 are dead now because of, well, being old, full of arterial plaque and professional grade indignant. Wonder if it swung and election?

  28. boskolives

    It's a tribute to human drive when an anti big-government man gets his ass kicked by a woman with no legs, and then somehow finds a way to grovel his way back to the government trough at feeding time.

  29. DixvilleCrotch

    I always thought of him as more of a guano faucet, rather than a douchecanoe. But that's just me.

  30. En_Buenora

    He knows there's enough right wing Teahadist dopes out there to give him a shitload of campaign donations, and when the campaign's done he can keep 'em.

  31. Dudleydidwrong

    Joe's vision is to have a part in a remake of Blazing Saddles: with Harvey Korman's arm around him, convincing him that he could become the president–and then banging his head. "Keep having those visions, Joe. Dare! Dare!"

  32. docterry6973

    The GOP couldn't be bothered to gerrymander a safe seat for this turd. Now he thinks he has a shot at state-wide office? Please run, Joe, and raise lots of money for the primary.

  33. Eve8Apples

    I've never understood why Republicans are so unwilling to work for a private sector job creator after their constituents have told them they're unfit for public office.

  34. carlgt1

    Does Allen West count as "first to announce" since he lost but refuses to leave, like all leftover Bush appointees from Bob Jones U who refused to go in '09?

  35. OneYieldRegular

    This is nothing new. I run into people every day in my drug-crazed neighborhood who have visions not shared by many others.

  36. cognachas4paws

    I just got rid of this guy as my congress-critter. He's like a bad penny – you can't get rid of him. Just when you think he's gone, he pops back up like a jack-in-the-box. He will never be governor of this state and I'm pretty sure it's safe to say he'll never be senator. He's shown himself to be quite an embarrassment to the state of Illinois and given some of the politicians we've had, that's quite an achievement. Well, at least that's something he can be proud of.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Congrats on being liberated.

      If nothing else, anyone can serve as a bad example. Maybe he can be the boogeyman to motivate Democrats – "Get busy with that campaign work or the Walsh will appear again…"

    2. Cleopatriot

      Congrats. But this pretty much seals a win for Quinn again unless the Dems run someone in the primary. Which may happen and I don't think Quinn can survive a primary this time. So it'll be some Dem (I hope it isn't Lisa) vs the most reactionary Republican among those running. And that means the continuation of Dem rule in IL.

      FTR, I like Pat Quinn, he's just a terrible governor.

  37. Amanwithnoplan

    I dreamed I saw Joe Walsh last night, as dead as he could be.

    "Not an actual wish, just a metaphor for him never having existed in any world, ever."

  38. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    The best think Joe Walsh could do for the people of Illinois is move to the 26th Illinois state district and try to unseat Mike Madigan, the entrenched and corrupt Speaker of the Illinois House. Hell, I'd even vote for Joe if he could get rid of Mike.

  39. elgin_pelican

    Funny, people come up to me and ask, "Are you going to date Katy Perry? Are you going to take a few snaps in the Giants game? Are you going to land a JET PLANE ON THE MOON??"

  40. Negropolis

    People approach me every day and ask, “Walsh, are you going to pay your child support? Are you going to stop being a d-bag?”

    Fixed for reality.

  41. Negropolis

    Well, sinbeing elected governor in Illinois seems to be the quickest route to prison for a politician, there, I'd vote for this guy in a heartbeat if I lived in the Land of Lincoln.

  42. ttommyunger

    Gee, Joe; I understand Joe the Plumber is in the same situation, employment-wise. Have you two considered a partnership? Plumbing is an honorable trade craft, maybe you could even pay down some of your child support debt. Not sure if copyright problems would preclude this, but how's this sound: "Dumb and Dumberer-Your Pantload Plumbers"? I know, you have no Plumber's License or credentials-not to worry, neither does he.

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