So Hillary Clinton is going to leave the State Department some day, and on that day the Great Impostor is going to need to find someone to replace her. Who else has the kind of 24-hour energy, common sense, and danciness to replace her? Maybe Ellen? No, not Ellen, Ellen can’t get through the Senate, because she loves muff. But everybody has been talking about former total loser John Kerry for State, ever since he gave that DNC speech that was hilarious and did not suck, but now they are saying no, not State because that is where Susan Rice will lose her confirmation vote instead, but rather the Department of Defense instead, we guess? Because the Washington Post said so, and the Washington Post is the White House’s “draft email folder” for sending Congress sexts.
What’s up, Buzzfeed, will the million-term US Senator from Massachusetts be acceptable to his colleagues in that august body? Hahahah, fuck no.
The idea of Kerry heading up DoD was also questioned by Republicans, who warned the selection of the Vietnam veteran-turned-critic wouldn’t be simple either.
“He’ll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets” if Obama taps Kerry for the pentagon slot, a GOP aide said.
So a “GOP aide” has spoken, and so it shall be. Any Kerry confirmation hearings will now be exclusively about how the erstwhile war hero actually shot himself and then shot a naked fleeing boy in the back while trying to get out of country.
Here, cheer yourself up with that one time John Kerry didn’t suck. It’s fun!
In the meantime, Senate Republicans magnanimously allowed that they might confirm Donald Rumsfeld if Obama were to nominate him. But then again, they might not.
[Buzzfeed]
{ 160 comments }
Who doesn't love Muff?
Someone is going to answer this. Waiting, waiting…
Hitler?
Well, Hitler has been stiff for 67 years now. (Looking at the judges)
Yes! We will accept your answer.
You mean besides that Bachmann dude, right?
I don't have to confer with the judges. You are correct!
Marcus Bachmann?
Edit: Damn beaten to it… Um, Rick Santorum, also, too?
I have a feeling about that AFA guy who is always yelling about de gheys. Or maybe it's the Family Research Council. Or all of them.
Sarah Lee?
Muffin the Mule?
Sarah Lee? Yes, true. She also hated "muffin tops" as did Levi Johnston. Face it, Mama's Chubby Cub, Bristol didn't have muffin top, that shit was a whole can of busted biscuits. *shiver*
Lindsay Graham?
The official platform of the Republican Party?
Lou Sarah?
Not me. I think of nothing else. Emphasis on 'think'.
John Kerry was a god awful presidential nominee, but he was a real hatchet man for Obama in 2012. It was fun to watch him.
At least somebody has now run a worse campaign than Kerry.
Were you referring to McCain in '08 or Romney in '12? TRICK QUESTION! They were both terrible, terrible campaigns.
Kerry's was a lot like Mittens': Terrible campaigns, good debates (at least the first one for Mittens). See where that got them both…
That "good debate" point is debatable (heh!) but Kerry was a public servant and a veteran who had the nerve to throw away his war trinkets. Whereas Romney was just a douchebag.
That's true, but until the nomination, the Democratic campaign sucked big one in '08 too. So I kinda lean toward '12 being worse.
Two somebodies, in case you forgot Mcwhat'shisnuts and Ms.whatshertits.
It's always fun to see these guys let loose when they no longer really give a f*ck.
The trick is to not give a f*ck so much when it really matters. Joe Biden is pretty near that balance…
Nominate a moderate Republican from the Senate, kiss his ass, and slip a Dem in his vacant seat. WIN
there's a moderate republican in the senate? what is this, 1958?
Trick question! There are no moderate Republicans in the Senate anymore. Joe Leiberman retired already.
Joe Leiberman? My accountant?
Joe Leiberman hasn't been a moderate for about a dozen years…
He was cast to reprise his old role on "ALF, the next generation" t.v. show?
I've got the PERFECT candidate.
Senator Richard Burr, Republican of NC, who voted to repeal DADT
North Carolina just elected a Dem governor.
Plus, we'd get to say "Dick Burr". A LOT!
I thought he already conceded his seat to the Shrieking White Hot Sphere of Pure Rage?
http://www.theonion.com/video/after-obama-victory…
Man, what does it say that The Onion's actors are more convincing newscasters than any network's except MSNBC?
NC governor elect Pat McCrory (R).
but i'll give you the fact that Burr is not as shitty as Dole-Helms, etc
Damn. I was so used "Democratic" and "Governor of NC" that I didn't bother to vet.
And we're still ignoring the "Dick Burr" aspect! Come on, people! This is WONKETTE!
what about Dick Lugar? I mean he's no Dick Armey for sec. def. but a name like that only comes along every so often…
This would only make sense if the Senate was tied or we were one away from 60. Otherwise, another Democratic Senator, at the moment, is like an extra leg on a centipede; it simply isn't necessary.
OK, how about just for shits and giggles? You know, rub conservatives noses into it?
Only for points. We're fucked in the House anyway, so keep chipping away at that super-majority. Besides, it's time for another Republican to get caught in a child sex scandal or something.
Might not be a bad idea though–some of those senators are the Blue Dog types who can be almost as bad as Republicans on some issues.
That may have been the case a decade ago I'd have been willing to make a trade, but with as far as the GOP has moved to the right, they are making the Blue Dogs look downright liberal, these days.
Sort of the opposite of what happened when Janet Napolitano moved from Arizona to DHS?
Yeah, that still chaps my ass.
He'll run into a buzzsaw of REPUBLICAN Viet Nam VETERANS? Like, people who SERVED in a WAR? Why do I really really doubt this?
Short list of short lists: "REPUBLICAN Viet Nam VETERANS"
They were simply invoking zoological terminology. A buzzsaw of Vietnam vets is like a pride of lions or a napalm of Gooks.
And this buzzsaw would find itself facing a clowder of LOLcats.
I'm partial to a 'landslide of liberals'
/win
There are the rednecks with POW-MIA stickers on their pick-up trucks, but they don't have much clout in congress.
They did manage to keep us in Iraq, didn't they?
"Buzz Saw of Republican Chicken Hawks" didn't have the right ring to it., factual though it is.
The idea of Kerry heading up DoD was also questioned by Republicans,
Wait, I thought the Washington Post claimed to be a newspaper. What part of "Republicans attacking John Kerry" is news, exactly?
Honestly. "The idea of Kerry heading up DoD was also welcomed by Republicans" WOULD be *news*.
Oh god, please don't let the Centerfold back into congress from the Commonwealth. I can't take any more of Scott Brown's goddamn truck.
Technicality be damned, he's the most recent Senator who couldn't hold onto a six-year seat for more than two years. LET HIM TRY.
Who ya got? Can't beat somebody wit nobody. Patrick may be headed to Justice, Barney's all into his "Jim time," none of the next crop of Kennedys has reached drinking age yet, and… Coakley?
If Massachusetts had both Warren and Coakley in the senate…fuck it would be beautiful.
There's also Capuano whose in the House right now and pretty bad ass.
I have no faith in Coakley after she somehow managed to lose Teddy's seat to the centerfold.
Capuano against Brown would almost be too fun to watch. He'd tear Brown and his truck a new hole every day.
That's the solution — appoint Scott Brown to DOD, or CIA, or State. No, not State. How about ambassador to one of those clamshell bra countries?
Eventually Mass politicians are going to stop falling for th-BOOBIES!
Look real hard at the old dame with the bandage on her puss. She radiates her internal ugliness.
with a whiff of halitosis
And her eyes say "I have shingles"
I thought this buzz saw of Vietnam vets was largely a figment of Jerome Corsi's imagination.
Buzz saw? More like a Water Pik.
Yeah… Max Cleland sez "Chickenhawks sez what?"
"“He’ll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets” if Obama taps Kerry for the pentagon slot, a GOP aide said."
Remind me, how many Republican Vietnam Vets are in Congress these days… McCain… Cunningham…no, wait…
Didn't the Repugs just give us – last week, in fact – a sterling example of their ability to calculate probabilities and foresee the near future?
Why yes, I do believe they did!
Row, row, row your swiftboat gentle down the stream…
Republicans no longer in the driver's seat = puerile, baseless threats. QED.
Yup. Pretty much sums it up. The standard 3-yr-old's reaction – "If I don't get my way, I'll pitch a fit."
Remember the end of World War 2, when the Japanese dictated the terms of the United States' surrender? This is nothing like that. It's more like Appomattox, when General Lee demanded the Union's unconditional surrender.
Yeah, I remember reading about how the Kaiser marched up Broadway!
I just hope they don't nominate a Four-Star General.
I hear David Petraeus might be looking for work.
Actually, I want to see him testify on Capitol Hill and force that asshole Corsi to testify under oath about how he man-handled Kerry's campaign with Karl Rove.
Wait, how is protesting against Vietnam somehow a problem for making Kerry Secretary of Defense? Anyone who was around back then and didn't protest against the war should be disqualified from government.
I believe we just disqualified the last bozo that didn't protest against that war…(Mittens Romney).
Mitts made his statement with his feet, he marched onto a jet that took him to France, and Poof, his mission was accomplished.
Because riding a bike house to house bothering people is exactly the same as enlisting in the military.
Well, in my neighborhood……
I like the use of 'mission', really nice pun.
“He’ll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets”
Not amongst Senate Republicans, he won't.
Oh, snap!
“He’ll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets”
Well, thank God there's none of those in the Republican party.
Now, now. GWB did a great job of guarding Houston from invasion during those years, until he found something better to do and walked away.
Juan Maqain libel!
I liked Madelaine Albright as SecState. A Holocaust-surviving old bubbela who would coo and kvetch and shame foreign leaders, all at the same time. Genius!
So I think that's the winning formula. But, which nice old crochety Jewish grandma could we nominate? Barbra Streisand? Joy Behar? Barbara Walters? CommieMom?
Memz said it, Trix! Not me! I know you think I'm this mean old bastard…and you're right… but I'd never call you Grandma!
Such a shana punim on this one.
CommieMom, not CommieGirl.
I can haz latkes nao?
Oh.
My bad.
Carry on.
That's a good strategy; unfortunately, I think Bella Abzug is dead.
Oh, man. Watching Streisand shame a foreign leader would be worth the price of admission three times ver.
BTW, I think Joy Behar is an Italian (lapsed) Catholic.
Anyone who's lived in New York City for more than twenty years is automatically grandmothered into The Tribe.
Well, then, I nominate the good Rabbi Sharpton.
THAT'S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK!!!
Rebbe Farrakhan might object.
Whoopie Goldberg?
I would say, at this juncture, that these are all unknown knowns that won't be fully known until they can be known in as timely a fashion as can be known what the known and unknown wishes of our CiC actually are as soon as he knows them.
This is good news for Rambo.
Westmoreland must not be available.
It occurs to me, looking at the photo wishing for a caption contest, that wonkbazaar could do worse than producing its signature line of logo-embossed band-aids.
Good idea.
Would this confirmed nom possibly give us fucking Senator Barncoat again? Think about it.
Nah. He wouldn't be able to attract the kind of financial support on that quick a turn-around. He's already going to have to pay off campaign debts.
Paula Broadwell?
She 's more an undercovers operative.
She could send emails–Back off! Stay away from my ally!
How about not putting John Kerry in the cabinet because that means fucking Scott Brown will take his seat.
You had me at "fucking Scott Brown", then you lost me with the "take his seat" talk stuff.
Wouldn't Deval just appoint a Dem? Or does MA fill Senate vacancies with a special election?
Obama should give the job to some loser.I hear Romeny is looking for a job.
Yeah, Cheney with his 4 ('count em 4) draft deferments in Vietnam was able to sell himself as a hawk. What a "muff", if you get my drift. Chickenshit hawk.
Maybe one of those hot mistress women? They can get generals to do anything. Apparently.
Unless there's a trail of sexy emails involving women who are not his wife, I'm not sure Kerry would be a good fit over at Defense.
Mr. President, leave the Senate ALONE.
- America
P.S. Also, Democratic governors. Too. Tambien.
P.P.S. – The Supreme Court – just sayin'…
See, Kerry served in Vietnam and should be ashamed for protesting against it later, whereas McCain who served in Vietnam and spent time in a POW camp where he invented the Blackberry should be praised, whereas Clinton should be denounced for getting out of Vietnam service by virtue of being a Rhodes Scholar, but we shouldn't look too deeply into Bush or Romney during this time because they had perfectly legitimate rich boy excuses for not serving in Vietnam.
And Obama ate dog once!
Also we were the winners in Vietnam and by rights should really still be there having napalm parties and loving ladies long time.
Plus Benghazi!
I think Samuel L Jackson should be Secretary of State. Or Defense. Or both.
Secretary of Ass Whoopins has a nice ring to it.
Sam Jackson is the Secretary of Kicking Ass and Taking Names. Just remember not to call him "Secretary."
Sinister Minister!
The Wolf is coming directly.
Bamz needs to be at his smiley-faced hopey bipartisan best and clearly tell the beloved and esteemed Senate Republicans to just go fuck themselves. That they should gather up all their used teabags that litter the Senate chamber floor and put them where the sun don't shine, also, too.
A Sensible Policy for a Better America!
Tell them with votes, swift votes as it were, also.
Just send Handsome Joe in to laugh at them.
Swifty for Secretary of State. He will do a swift of a job. With the process of comfirmation, he will swift through it, hopefully. Or is it for the head of DOD, then he'll get swift boated again.
"they might confirm Donald Rumsfeld if Obama were to nominate him."
I vote GW Bush for State, Cheney for Defense. What could go wrong?
I hear Ron Paul has some time on his hands.
He'll come up against that infamous contingent of pro-war war veterans.
Both of them!
Of course Kerry is unqualified. As today's events involving Generals Petraeus and Allen teach us, nobody in the military has ever gotten anywhere by arguing for withdrawal.
Well, they're obviously not the types to pull out quickly, if you know what I mean.
There's that "penalty for early withdrawal" issue…..
I'm just thinking about how close we came to seriously talking about John Bolton as Secretary of State.
"A buzzsaw of vets" sounds like something in my dog's nightmares.
The number of buzzsaws in congress is just about equal to the number of vietnam vets.
Herman Cain is probably up for it and I hear he can supply free pizza for every meeting.
How about Barry giving the Rethugs a bipartisan orgasm and nominate Ted Nugent for DoD?
Sorry, Bamz, but the last thing we Massholes need is a vacant senate seat right now. There's a naked hand model with a staple in his crotch driving around in a pick up truck, just circling like a vulture above a shit wagon.
Show me on the bandage where he hit you, with votes, also.
After going through this in 2004, I would imagine at this point Kerry would reach across the table and smash the first GOP pipsqueak who questions his military service with a claw hammer. Or at least I would like to see him do that.
I'd like to see that fight again, assuming Kerry and Company would actually fight back this time.
See, my fantasy for this is that the Republicans work themselves in a tizzy ready to fight Kerry just cause and then Obama gets up and announces….
That Hillary isn't going anywhere! And then she comes onto the stage, and she and Obama laugh and laugh and the Republicans start crying and the pictures are all over the net, and we all laugh and laugh…
Or Hillz and Joe trade places.
Kerry would run into a "buzzsaw" of Vietnam vets, you mean the same disingenuous load of miscreants that were bought and paid for by the GOP??
With the Scott Brown circling, best keep Kerry in his Senate seat. How about the Big Dawg for State?
Maybe they can give Mitt the job. He can set up his office in France where he HID OUT DURING THE WAR.
Tough times call for rough muff.
Well, Bamz might pick Webb. He's out of the Senate.
I nominate ttommyunger for Secretary of Defense – he's the right man for the job.
Darth Cheney or GTFO.
I'm really late to this, but I bow to the sly political move here. Give the craziest part of the GOP an irresistible toy that makes them ratchet up the disconnected bubble-head crazy just as the GOP is desperately soul searching. GAh. The brilliance.
Yeah. The two chickens, AWOL Bush and 4 deferment Cheney, getting away with attacking Kerry's war record, or letting their surrogates do it. That's rich. Something was wrong with Kerry's campaign. See also Dukakis, Michael. At least Bush Sr. served in combat…then let Atwater do his dirty work in the campaign.
Ferretkhan can go sit on a bean pie for all I care.
In total agreement. I would still love to see W's DD-214 from the Texas ANG.
…with votes.
Comments on this entry are closed.