jill kelley for dod obvs

Senate Republicans To Swift Boat John Kerry All Over Again, For Larfs

cackle cackle cough cough loogie-hock oh no she diedSo Hillary Clinton is going to leave the State Department some day, and on that day the Great Impostor is going to need to find someone to replace her. Who else has the kind of 24-hour energy, common sense, and danciness to replace her? Maybe Ellen? No, not Ellen, Ellen can’t get through the Senate, because she loves muff. But everybody has been talking about former total loser John Kerry for State, ever since he gave that DNC speech that was hilarious and did not suck, but now they are saying no, not State because that is where Susan Rice will lose her confirmation vote instead, but rather the Department of Defense instead, we guess? Because the Washington Post said so, and the Washington Post is the White House’s “draft email folder” for sending Congress sexts.

What’s up, Buzzfeed, will the million-term US Senator from Massachusetts be acceptable to his colleagues in that august body? Hahahah, fuck no.

The idea of Kerry heading up DoD was also questioned by Republicans, who warned the selection of the Vietnam veteran-turned-critic wouldn’t be simple either.

“He’ll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets” if Obama taps Kerry for the pentagon slot, a GOP aide said.

So a “GOP aide” has spoken, and so it shall be. Any Kerry confirmation hearings will now be exclusively about how the erstwhile war hero actually shot himself and then shot a naked fleeing boy in the back while trying to get out of country.

Here, cheer yourself up with that one time John Kerry didn’t suck. It’s fun!

In the meantime, Senate Republicans magnanimously allowed that they might confirm Donald Rumsfeld if Obama were to nominate him. But then again, they might not.

[Buzzfeed]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_

    Who doesn't love Muff?
    Someone is going to answer this. Waiting, waiting…

    • Botlrokit

      Hitler?

      • Barbara_

        Well, Hitler has been stiff for 67 years now. (Looking at the judges)
        Yes! We will accept your answer.

    • Respitetini

      You mean besides that Bachmann dude, right?

      • Barbara_

        I don't have to confer with the judges. You are correct!

    • snowpointsecret

      Marcus Bachmann?

      Edit: Damn beaten to it… Um, Rick Santorum, also, too?

    • PsycWench

      I have a feeling about that AFA guy who is always yelling about de gheys. Or maybe it's the Family Research Council. Or all of them.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Sarah Lee?

      Muffin the Mule?

      • Barbara_

        Sarah Lee? Yes, true. She also hated "muffin tops" as did Levi Johnston. Face it, Mama's Chubby Cub, Bristol didn't have muffin top, that shit was a whole can of busted biscuits. *shiver*

    • HRH_Maddie

      Lindsay Graham?

    • snowpointsecret

      The official platform of the Republican Party?

    • http://wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

      Lou Sarah?

    • docterry6973

      Not me. I think of nothing else. Emphasis on 'think'.

  • HRH_Maddie

    John Kerry was a god awful presidential nominee, but he was a real hatchet man for Obama in 2012. It was fun to watch him.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      At least somebody has now run a worse campaign than Kerry.

      • HRH_Maddie

        Were you referring to McCain in '08 or Romney in '12? TRICK QUESTION! They were both terrible, terrible campaigns.

        • glasspusher

          Kerry's was a lot like Mittens': Terrible campaigns, good debates (at least the first one for Mittens). See where that got them both…

          • HRH_Maddie

            That "good debate" point is debatable (heh!) but Kerry was a public servant and a veteran who had the nerve to throw away his war trinkets. Whereas Romney was just a douchebag.

          • glasspusher

            Yeah. The two chickens, AWOL Bush and 4 deferment Cheney, getting away with attacking Kerry's war record, or letting their surrogates do it. That's rich. Something was wrong with Kerry's campaign. See also Dukakis, Michael. At least Bush Sr. served in combat…then let Atwater do his dirty work in the campaign.

          • thatsitfortheother1

            In total agreement. I would still love to see W's DD-214 from the Texas ANG.

        • thatsitfortheother1

          That's true, but until the nomination, the Democratic campaign sucked big one in '08 too. So I kinda lean toward '12 being worse.

      • 1stNewtontheMoon

        Two somebodies, in case you forgot Mcwhat'shisnuts and Ms.whatshertits.

    • DixvilleCrotch

      It's always fun to see these guys let loose when they no longer really give a f*ck.

      • glasspusher

        The trick is to not give a f*ck so much when it really matters. Joe Biden is pretty near that balance…

  • Botlrokit

    Nominate a moderate Republican from the Senate, kiss his ass, and slip a Dem in his vacant seat. WIN

    • http://bluemonkeh.blogspot.com/ BlueMonkeh

      there's a moderate republican in the senate? what is this, 1958?

    • HRH_Maddie

      Trick question! There are no moderate Republicans in the Senate anymore. Joe Leiberman retired already.

      • Esteev

        Joe Leiberman? My accountant?

      • glasspusher

        Joe Leiberman hasn't been a moderate for about a dozen years…

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        He was cast to reprise his old role on "ALF, the next generation" t.v. show?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I've got the PERFECT candidate.

      Senator Richard Burr, Republican of NC, who voted to repeal DADT

      North Carolina just elected a Dem governor.

      Plus, we'd get to say "Dick Burr". A LOT!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I thought he already conceded his seat to the Shrieking White Hot Sphere of Pure Rage?
        http://www.theonion.com/video/after-obama-victory

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Man, what does it say that The Onion's actors are more convincing newscasters than any network's except MSNBC?

      • herecomedajudge

        NC governor elect Pat McCrory (R).
        but i'll give you the fact that Burr is not as shitty as Dole-Helms, etc

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Damn. I was so used "Democratic" and "Governor of NC" that I didn't bother to vet.

          And we're still ignoring the "Dick Burr" aspect! Come on, people! This is WONKETTE!

          • ButthurtWingers2012

            what about Dick Lugar? I mean he's no Dick Armey for sec. def. but a name like that only comes along every so often…

    • Negropolis

      This would only make sense if the Senate was tied or we were one away from 60. Otherwise, another Democratic Senator, at the moment, is like an extra leg on a centipede; it simply isn't necessary.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        OK, how about just for shits and giggles? You know, rub conservatives noses into it?

      • Botlrokit

        Only for points. We're fucked in the House anyway, so keep chipping away at that super-majority. Besides, it's time for another Republican to get caught in a child sex scandal or something.

      • Callyson

        Might not be a bad idea though–some of those senators are the Blue Dog types who can be almost as bad as Republicans on some issues.

        • Negropolis

          That may have been the case a decade ago I'd have been willing to make a trade, but with as far as the GOP has moved to the right, they are making the Blue Dogs look downright liberal, these days.

    • Terry

      Sort of the opposite of what happened when Janet Napolitano moved from Arizona to DHS?

      • Botlrokit

        Yeah, that still chaps my ass.

  • FakaktaSouth

    He'll run into a buzzsaw of REPUBLICAN Viet Nam VETERANS? Like, people who SERVED in a WAR? Why do I really really doubt this?

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Short list of short lists: "REPUBLICAN Viet Nam VETERANS"

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      They were simply invoking zoological terminology. A buzzsaw of Vietnam vets is like a pride of lions or a napalm of Gooks.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        And this buzzsaw would find itself facing a clowder of LOLcats.

      • RomneysLogCabin

        I'm partial to a 'landslide of liberals'

        /win

    • PubOption

      There are the rednecks with POW-MIA stickers on their pick-up trucks, but they don't have much clout in congress.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        They did manage to keep us in Iraq, didn't they?

    • comrad_darkness

      "Buzz Saw of Republican Chicken Hawks" didn't have the right ring to it., factual though it is.

  • snowpointsecret

    The idea of Kerry heading up DoD was also questioned by Republicans,

    Wait, I thought the Washington Post claimed to be a newspaper. What part of "Republicans attacking John Kerry" is news, exactly?

    • BadKitty904

      Honestly. "The idea of Kerry heading up DoD was also welcomed by Republicans" WOULD be *news*.

  • Sean O

    Oh god, please don't let the Centerfold back into congress from the Commonwealth. I can't take any more of Scott Brown's goddamn truck.

    • Botlrokit

      Technicality be damned, he's the most recent Senator who couldn't hold onto a six-year seat for more than two years. LET HIM TRY.

      • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        Who ya got? Can't beat somebody wit nobody. Patrick may be headed to Justice, Barney's all into his "Jim time," none of the next crop of Kennedys has reached drinking age yet, and… Coakley?

        • Lizzietish81

          If Massachusetts had both Warren and Coakley in the senate…fuck it would be beautiful.

          There's also Capuano whose in the House right now and pretty bad ass.

          • Sean O

            I have no faith in Coakley after she somehow managed to lose Teddy's seat to the centerfold.

          • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

            Capuano against Brown would almost be too fun to watch. He'd tear Brown and his truck a new hole every day.

    • Come here a minute

      That's the solution — appoint Scott Brown to DOD, or CIA, or State. No, not State. How about ambassador to one of those clamshell bra countries?

      • Lizzietish81

        Eventually Mass politicians are going to stop falling for th-BOOBIES!

  • SpiderCrab

    Look real hard at the old dame with the bandage on her puss. She radiates her internal ugliness.

    • http://bluemonkeh.blogspot.com/ BlueMonkeh

      with a whiff of halitosis

      • not that Dewey

        And her eyes say "I have shingles"

  • PsycWench

    I thought this buzz saw of Vietnam vets was largely a figment of Jerome Corsi's imagination.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Buzz saw? More like a Water Pik.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Yeah… Max Cleland sez "Chickenhawks sez what?"

  • thatsitfortheother1

    "“He’ll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets” if Obama taps Kerry for the pentagon slot, a GOP aide said."

    Remind me, how many Republican Vietnam Vets are in Congress these days… McCain… Cunningham…no, wait…

    • BadKitty904

      Didn't the Repugs just give us – last week, in fact – a sterling example of their ability to calculate probabilities and foresee the near future?

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Why yes, I do believe they did!

  • Tealiban

    Row, row, row your swiftboat gentle down the stream…

  • mbobier

    Republicans no longer in the driver's seat = puerile, baseless threats. QED.

    • BadKitty904

      Yup. Pretty much sums it up. The standard 3-yr-old's reaction – "If I don't get my way, I'll pitch a fit."

  • MacRaith

    Remember the end of World War 2, when the Japanese dictated the terms of the United States' surrender? This is nothing like that. It's more like Appomattox, when General Lee demanded the Union's unconditional surrender.

    • memzilla

      Yeah, I remember reading about how the Kaiser marched up Broadway!

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    I just hope they don't nominate a Four-Star General.

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    I hear David Petraeus might be looking for work.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Actually, I want to see him testify on Capitol Hill and force that asshole Corsi to testify under oath about how he man-handled Kerry's campaign with Karl Rove.

  • SorosBot

    Wait, how is protesting against Vietnam somehow a problem for making Kerry Secretary of Defense? Anyone who was around back then and didn't protest against the war should be disqualified from government.

    • LibertyLover

      I believe we just disqualified the last bozo that didn't protest against that war…(Mittens Romney).

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        Mitts made his statement with his feet, he marched onto a jet that took him to France, and Poof, his mission was accomplished.

        • Terry

          Because riding a bike house to house bothering people is exactly the same as enlisting in the military.

          • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

            Well, in my neighborhood……

        • PubOption

          I like the use of 'mission', really nice pun.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “He’ll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets”
    Not amongst Senate Republicans, he won't.

    • glasspusher

      Oh, snap!

  • freakishlywrong

    “He’ll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets”
    Well, thank God there's none of those in the Republican party.

    • Terry

      Now, now. GWB did a great job of guarding Houston from invasion during those years, until he found something better to do and walked away.

    • Negropolis

      Juan Maqain libel!

  • memzilla

    I liked Madelaine Albright as SecState. A Holocaust-surviving old bubbela who would coo and kvetch and shame foreign leaders, all at the same time. Genius!

    So I think that's the winning formula. But, which nice old crochety Jewish grandma could we nominate? Barbra Streisand? Joy Behar? Barbara Walters? CommieMom?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Memz said it, Trix! Not me! I know you think I'm this mean old bastard…and you're right… but I'd never call you Grandma!

      • memzilla

        Such a shana punim on this one.

        CommieMom, not CommieGirl.

        I can haz latkes nao?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Oh.

          My bad.

          Carry on.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      That's a good strategy; unfortunately, I think Bella Abzug is dead.

    • Negropolis

      Oh, man. Watching Streisand shame a foreign leader would be worth the price of admission three times ver.

      BTW, I think Joy Behar is an Italian (lapsed) Catholic.

      • memzilla

        Anyone who's lived in New York City for more than twenty years is automatically grandmothered into The Tribe.

        • Negropolis

          Well, then, I nominate the good Rabbi Sharpton.

          • memzilla

            THAT'S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK!!!

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Rebbe Farrakhan might object.

          • Negropolis

            Ferretkhan can go sit on a bean pie for all I care.

          • memzilla

            with votes.

    • DCBloom

      Whoopie Goldberg?

  • LibertyLover

    I would say, at this juncture, that these are all unknown knowns that won't be fully known until they can be known in as timely a fashion as can be known what the known and unknown wishes of our CiC actually are as soon as he knows them.

  • Esteev

    This is good news for Rambo.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Westmoreland must not be available.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    It occurs to me, looking at the photo wishing for a caption contest, that wonkbazaar could do worse than producing its signature line of logo-embossed band-aids.

    • njstore

      Good idea.

  • freakishlywrong

    Would this confirmed nom possibly give us fucking Senator Barncoat again? Think about it.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Nah. He wouldn't be able to attract the kind of financial support on that quick a turn-around. He's already going to have to pay off campaign debts.

  • Schmannnity

    Paula Broadwell?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      She 's more an undercovers operative.

      • Schmannnity

        She could send emails–Back off! Stay away from my ally!

  • TheGyrus

    How about not putting John Kerry in the cabinet because that means fucking Scott Brown will take his seat.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      You had me at "fucking Scott Brown", then you lost me with the "take his seat" talk stuff.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Wouldn't Deval just appoint a Dem? Or does MA fill Senate vacancies with a special election?

  • sbj1964

    Obama should give the job to some loser.I hear Romeny is looking for a job.

  • glasspusher

    Yeah, Cheney with his 4 ('count em 4) draft deferments in Vietnam was able to sell himself as a hawk. What a "muff", if you get my drift. Chickenshit hawk.

  • Not_So_Much

    Maybe one of those hot mistress women? They can get generals to do anything. Apparently.

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    Unless there's a trail of sexy emails involving women who are not his wife, I'm not sure Kerry would be a good fit over at Defense.

  • Negropolis

    Mr. President, leave the Senate ALONE.

    – America

    P.S. Also, Democratic governors. Too. Tambien.

    • BadKitty904

      P.P.S. – The Supreme Court – just sayin'…

  • Lizzietish81

    See, Kerry served in Vietnam and should be ashamed for protesting against it later, whereas McCain who served in Vietnam and spent time in a POW camp where he invented the Blackberry should be praised, whereas Clinton should be denounced for getting out of Vietnam service by virtue of being a Rhodes Scholar, but we shouldn't look too deeply into Bush or Romney during this time because they had perfectly legitimate rich boy excuses for not serving in Vietnam.

    And Obama ate dog once!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Also we were the winners in Vietnam and by rights should really still be there having napalm parties and loving ladies long time.

    • BadKitty904

      Plus Benghazi!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think Samuel L Jackson should be Secretary of State. Or Defense. Or both.

    • Negropolis

      Secretary of Ass Whoopins has a nice ring to it.

    • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

      Sam Jackson is the Secretary of Kicking Ass and Taking Names. Just remember not to call him "Secretary."

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Sinister Minister!

    • Esteev

      The Wolf is coming directly.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Bamz needs to be at his smiley-faced hopey bipartisan best and clearly tell the beloved and esteemed Senate Republicans to just go fuck themselves. That they should gather up all their used teabags that litter the Senate chamber floor and put them where the sun don't shine, also, too.

    • BadKitty904

      A Sensible Policy for a Better America!

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Tell them with votes, swift votes as it were, also.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Just send Handsome Joe in to laugh at them.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Swifty for Secretary of State. He will do a swift of a job. With the process of comfirmation, he will swift through it, hopefully. Or is it for the head of DOD, then he'll get swift boated again.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "they might confirm Donald Rumsfeld if Obama were to nominate him."

    I vote GW Bush for State, Cheney for Defense. What could go wrong?

  • Goonemeritus

    I hear Ron Paul has some time on his hands.

  • Fare la Volpe

    He'll come up against that infamous contingent of pro-war war veterans.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Both of them!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Of course Kerry is unqualified. As today's events involving Generals Petraeus and Allen teach us, nobody in the military has ever gotten anywhere by arguing for withdrawal.

    • snowpointsecret

      Well, they're obviously not the types to pull out quickly, if you know what I mean.

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        There's that "penalty for early withdrawal" issue…..

  • CalvinsChoice

    I'm just thinking about how close we came to seriously talking about John Bolton as Secretary of State.

  • snowpointsecret

    "A buzzsaw of vets" sounds like something in my dog's nightmares.

  • elgin_pelican

    The number of buzzsaws in congress is just about equal to the number of vietnam vets.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Herman Cain is probably up for it and I hear he can supply free pizza for every meeting.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    How about Barry giving the Rethugs a bipartisan orgasm and nominate Ted Nugent for DoD?

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Sorry, Bamz, but the last thing we Massholes need is a vacant senate seat right now. There's a naked hand model with a staple in his crotch driving around in a pick up truck, just circling like a vulture above a shit wagon.

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    Show me on the bandage where he hit you, with votes, also.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    After going through this in 2004, I would imagine at this point Kerry would reach across the table and smash the first GOP pipsqueak who questions his military service with a claw hammer. Or at least I would like to see him do that.

  • ttommyunger

    I'd like to see that fight again, assuming Kerry and Company would actually fight back this time.

  • Lizzietish81

    See, my fantasy for this is that the Republicans work themselves in a tizzy ready to fight Kerry just cause and then Obama gets up and announces….

    That Hillary isn't going anywhere! And then she comes onto the stage, and she and Obama laugh and laugh and the Republicans start crying and the pictures are all over the net, and we all laugh and laugh…

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Or Hillz and Joe trade places.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Kerry would run into a "buzzsaw" of Vietnam vets, you mean the same disingenuous load of miscreants that were bought and paid for by the GOP??

  • http://wonkette.com/ Noah_Hegemon

    With the Scott Brown circling, best keep Kerry in his Senate seat. How about the Big Dawg for State?

  • ChrisM2011

    Maybe they can give Mitt the job. He can set up his office in France where he HID OUT DURING THE WAR.

  • TribecaMike

    Tough times call for rough muff.

  • qwerty42

    Well, Bamz might pick Webb. He's out of the Senate.

  • HistoriCat

    I nominate ttommyunger for Secretary of Defense – he's the right man for the job.

  • barto

    Darth Cheney or GTFO.

  • comrad_darkness

    I'm really late to this, but I bow to the sly political move here. Give the craziest part of the GOP an irresistible toy that makes them ratchet up the disconnected bubble-head crazy just as the GOP is desperately soul searching. GAh. The brilliance.