jill kelley for dod obvs

Senate Republicans To Swift Boat John Kerry All Over Again, For Larfs

cackle cackle cough cough loogie-hock oh no she diedSo Hillary Clinton is going to leave the State Department some day, and on that day the Great Impostor is going to need to find someone to replace her. Who else has the kind of 24-hour energy, common sense, and danciness to replace her? Maybe Ellen? No, not Ellen, Ellen can’t get through the Senate, because she loves muff. But everybody has been talking about former total loser John Kerry for State, ever since he gave that DNC speech that was hilarious and did not suck, but now they are saying no, not State because that is where Susan Rice will lose her confirmation vote instead, but rather the Department of Defense instead, we guess? Because the Washington Post said so, and the Washington Post is the White House’s “draft email folder” for sending Congress sexts.

What’s up, Buzzfeed, will the million-term US Senator from Massachusetts be acceptable to his colleagues in that august body? Hahahah, fuck no.

The idea of Kerry heading up DoD was also questioned by Republicans, who warned the selection of the Vietnam veteran-turned-critic wouldn’t be simple either.

“He’ll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets” if Obama taps Kerry for the pentagon slot, a GOP aide said.

So a “GOP aide” has spoken, and so it shall be. Any Kerry confirmation hearings will now be exclusively about how the erstwhile war hero actually shot himself and then shot a naked fleeing boy in the back while trying to get out of country.

Here, cheer yourself up with that one time John Kerry didn’t suck. It’s fun!

In the meantime, Senate Republicans magnanimously allowed that they might confirm Donald Rumsfeld if Obama were to nominate him. But then again, they might not.


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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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    1. PsycWench

      I have a feeling about that AFA guy who is always yelling about de gheys. Or maybe it's the Family Research Council. Or all of them.

      1. Barbara_

        Sarah Lee? Yes, true. She also hated "muffin tops" as did Levi Johnston. Face it, Mama's Chubby Cub, Bristol didn't have muffin top, that shit was a whole can of busted biscuits. *shiver*

  1. HRH_Maddie

    John Kerry was a god awful presidential nominee, but he was a real hatchet man for Obama in 2012. It was fun to watch him.

      1. HRH_Maddie

        Were you referring to McCain in '08 or Romney in '12? TRICK QUESTION! They were both terrible, terrible campaigns.

        1. glasspusher

          Kerry's was a lot like Mittens': Terrible campaigns, good debates (at least the first one for Mittens). See where that got them both…

          1. HRH_Maddie

            That "good debate" point is debatable (heh!) but Kerry was a public servant and a veteran who had the nerve to throw away his war trinkets. Whereas Romney was just a douchebag.

          2. glasspusher

            Yeah. The two chickens, AWOL Bush and 4 deferment Cheney, getting away with attacking Kerry's war record, or letting their surrogates do it. That's rich. Something was wrong with Kerry's campaign. See also Dukakis, Michael. At least Bush Sr. served in combat…then let Atwater do his dirty work in the campaign.

        2. thatsitfortheother1

          That's true, but until the nomination, the Democratic campaign sucked big one in '08 too. So I kinda lean toward '12 being worse.

      1. glasspusher

        The trick is to not give a f*ck so much when it really matters. Joe Biden is pretty near that balance…

  2. Botlrokit

    Nominate a moderate Republican from the Senate, kiss his ass, and slip a Dem in his vacant seat. WIN

    1. HRH_Maddie

      Trick question! There are no moderate Republicans in the Senate anymore. Joe Leiberman retired already.

    2. actor212

      I've got the PERFECT candidate.

      Senator Richard Burr, Republican of NC, who voted to repeal DADT

      North Carolina just elected a Dem governor.

      Plus, we'd get to say "Dick Burr". A LOT!

      1. herecomedajudge

        NC governor elect Pat McCrory (R).
        but i'll give you the fact that Burr is not as shitty as Dole-Helms, etc

        1. actor212

          Damn. I was so used "Democratic" and "Governor of NC" that I didn't bother to vet.

          And we're still ignoring the "Dick Burr" aspect! Come on, people! This is WONKETTE!

          1. ButthurtWingers2012

            what about Dick Lugar? I mean he's no Dick Armey for sec. def. but a name like that only comes along every so often…

    3. Negropolis

      This would only make sense if the Senate was tied or we were one away from 60. Otherwise, another Democratic Senator, at the moment, is like an extra leg on a centipede; it simply isn't necessary.

      1. Botlrokit

        Only for points. We're fucked in the House anyway, so keep chipping away at that super-majority. Besides, it's time for another Republican to get caught in a child sex scandal or something.

      2. Callyson

        Might not be a bad idea though–some of those senators are the Blue Dog types who can be almost as bad as Republicans on some issues.

        1. Negropolis

          That may have been the case a decade ago I'd have been willing to make a trade, but with as far as the GOP has moved to the right, they are making the Blue Dogs look downright liberal, these days.

  3. FakaktaSouth

    He'll run into a buzzsaw of REPUBLICAN Viet Nam VETERANS? Like, people who SERVED in a WAR? Why do I really really doubt this?

    1. PubOption

      There are the rednecks with POW-MIA stickers on their pick-up trucks, but they don't have much clout in congress.

    2. comrad_darkness

      "Buzz Saw of Republican Chicken Hawks" didn't have the right ring to it., factual though it is.

  4. snowpointsecret

    The idea of Kerry heading up DoD was also questioned by Republicans,

    Wait, I thought the Washington Post claimed to be a newspaper. What part of "Republicans attacking John Kerry" is news, exactly?

  5. Sean O

    Oh god, please don't let the Centerfold back into congress from the Commonwealth. I can't take any more of Scott Brown's goddamn truck.

    1. Botlrokit

      Technicality be damned, he's the most recent Senator who couldn't hold onto a six-year seat for more than two years. LET HIM TRY.

      1. FlownOver

        Who ya got? Can't beat somebody wit nobody. Patrick may be headed to Justice, Barney's all into his "Jim time," none of the next crop of Kennedys has reached drinking age yet, and… Coakley?

        1. Lizzietish81

          If Massachusetts had both Warren and Coakley in the senate…fuck it would be beautiful.

          There's also Capuano whose in the House right now and pretty bad ass.

    2. Come here a minute

      That's the solution — appoint Scott Brown to DOD, or CIA, or State. No, not State. How about ambassador to one of those clamshell bra countries?

  6. thatsitfortheother1

    "“He’ll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets” if Obama taps Kerry for the pentagon slot, a GOP aide said."

    Remind me, how many Republican Vietnam Vets are in Congress these days… McCain… Cunningham…no, wait…

    1. BadKitty904

      Didn't the Repugs just give us – last week, in fact – a sterling example of their ability to calculate probabilities and foresee the near future?

    1. BadKitty904

      Yup. Pretty much sums it up. The standard 3-yr-old's reaction – "If I don't get my way, I'll pitch a fit."

  7. MacRaith

    Remember the end of World War 2, when the Japanese dictated the terms of the United States' surrender? This is nothing like that. It's more like Appomattox, when General Lee demanded the Union's unconditional surrender.

  8. actor212

    Actually, I want to see him testify on Capitol Hill and force that asshole Corsi to testify under oath about how he man-handled Kerry's campaign with Karl Rove.

  9. SorosBot

    Wait, how is protesting against Vietnam somehow a problem for making Kerry Secretary of Defense? Anyone who was around back then and didn't protest against the war should be disqualified from government.

    1. LibertyLover

      I believe we just disqualified the last bozo that didn't protest against that war…(Mittens Romney).

  10. freakishlywrong

    “He’ll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets”
    Well, thank God there's none of those in the Republican party.

    1. Terry

      Now, now. GWB did a great job of guarding Houston from invasion during those years, until he found something better to do and walked away.

  11. memzilla

    I liked Madelaine Albright as SecState. A Holocaust-surviving old bubbela who would coo and kvetch and shame foreign leaders, all at the same time. Genius!

    So I think that's the winning formula. But, which nice old crochety Jewish grandma could we nominate? Barbra Streisand? Joy Behar? Barbara Walters? CommieMom?

    1. Negropolis

      Oh, man. Watching Streisand shame a foreign leader would be worth the price of admission three times ver.

      BTW, I think Joy Behar is an Italian (lapsed) Catholic.

      1. memzilla

        Anyone who's lived in New York City for more than twenty years is automatically grandmothered into The Tribe.

  12. LibertyLover

    I would say, at this juncture, that these are all unknown knowns that won't be fully known until they can be known in as timely a fashion as can be known what the known and unknown wishes of our CiC actually are as soon as he knows them.

  13. Mumbletypeg

    It occurs to me, looking at the photo wishing for a caption contest, that wonkbazaar could do worse than producing its signature line of logo-embossed band-aids.

    1. actor212

      Nah. He wouldn't be able to attract the kind of financial support on that quick a turn-around. He's already going to have to pay off campaign debts.

  14. TheGyrus

    How about not putting John Kerry in the cabinet because that means fucking Scott Brown will take his seat.

    1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Wouldn't Deval just appoint a Dem? Or does MA fill Senate vacancies with a special election?

  15. glasspusher

    Yeah, Cheney with his 4 ('count em 4) draft deferments in Vietnam was able to sell himself as a hawk. What a "muff", if you get my drift. Chickenshit hawk.

  16. Lizzietish81

    See, Kerry served in Vietnam and should be ashamed for protesting against it later, whereas McCain who served in Vietnam and spent time in a POW camp where he invented the Blackberry should be praised, whereas Clinton should be denounced for getting out of Vietnam service by virtue of being a Rhodes Scholar, but we shouldn't look too deeply into Bush or Romney during this time because they had perfectly legitimate rich boy excuses for not serving in Vietnam.

    And Obama ate dog once!

  17. weejee

    Bamz needs to be at his smiley-faced hopey bipartisan best and clearly tell the beloved and esteemed Senate Republicans to just go fuck themselves. That they should gather up all their used teabags that litter the Senate chamber floor and put them where the sun don't shine, also, too.

  18. Baba_NinjaCat12

    Swifty for Secretary of State. He will do a swift of a job. With the process of comfirmation, he will swift through it, hopefully. Or is it for the head of DOD, then he'll get swift boated again.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    "they might confirm Donald Rumsfeld if Obama were to nominate him."

    I vote GW Bush for State, Cheney for Defense. What could go wrong?

  20. mrblifil

    Of course Kerry is unqualified. As today's events involving Generals Petraeus and Allen teach us, nobody in the military has ever gotten anywhere by arguing for withdrawal.

  21. CalvinsChoice

    I'm just thinking about how close we came to seriously talking about John Bolton as Secretary of State.

  22. HobbesEvilTwin

    Sorry, Bamz, but the last thing we Massholes need is a vacant senate seat right now. There's a naked hand model with a staple in his crotch driving around in a pick up truck, just circling like a vulture above a shit wagon.

  23. Allmighty_Manos

    After going through this in 2004, I would imagine at this point Kerry would reach across the table and smash the first GOP pipsqueak who questions his military service with a claw hammer. Or at least I would like to see him do that.

  24. Lizzietish81

    See, my fantasy for this is that the Republicans work themselves in a tizzy ready to fight Kerry just cause and then Obama gets up and announces….

    That Hillary isn't going anywhere! And then she comes onto the stage, and she and Obama laugh and laugh and the Republicans start crying and the pictures are all over the net, and we all laugh and laugh…

  25. BZ1

    Kerry would run into a "buzzsaw" of Vietnam vets, you mean the same disingenuous load of miscreants that were bought and paid for by the GOP??

  26. comrad_darkness

    I'm really late to this, but I bow to the sly political move here. Give the craziest part of the GOP an irresistible toy that makes them ratchet up the disconnected bubble-head crazy just as the GOP is desperately soul searching. GAh. The brilliance.

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