True Americans everywhere are finally wising up to the fact that they will live another four years under the rule of the Nobamanation, and that basically all hope for freedom is now lost. We remember long ago in this nation when a skinny liberal weirdo from Illinois got elected, and threatened to redistribute Real Americans’ wealth, by acknowledging that some of that wealth was actually human beings. And those Real Americans responded in the honorable fashion: by founding an entire republic based on the defense of slavery, and waging an insanely bloody war for four years in an attempt to defend it. And so in the year of our Lord 2012, similarly brave souls pledge their lives and sacred honors to fight against tighter regulation of the health insurance industry and moderate increases to marginal tax rates, by using the 2012 equivalent of charging headlong into a wave of Union bullets: adding their names a strongly worded petition on the White House’s website.
As part of the Obama administration’s commitment to transparency and Internet-y stuff when it came to office in 2008, they put up a page on the White House website where “we the people” (i.e., cranks) could create petitions about any subject. If you can’t get even 25,000 people, or 0.008% of the U.S. population, to sign your petition (and “signing” can mean just putting your first name and last initial!), it will be completely ignored. If you manage to get to 25K, some White House staffer will do some half-assed Googling and come up with a list of links that explain why your petition will be ignored, as the marijuana legalization people discovered.
Anyway, now people from pretty much the states you’d expect are signing on to petitions demanding secession from America, in order to form a better America. They quote generously from the Declaration of Independence, which is funny considering that the actual signers of the real Declaration of Independence were considered traitors and were hunted down by vicious Hessian mercenaries, while these brave souls will have an unpaid intern roll their eyes at them. Texas and Louisiana are coming pretty closed to getting an actual snooty response from the White House, though! It will no doubt be more or less identical to the helpful note from the Kansas City Star, which gently informs its readers that “the petitions have no legal significance, and the constitution does not allow states to unilaterally secede from the union.”
Meanwhile, Rick Perry, who was always threatening to break Texas away from America while he was trying to run for president of America, which was an interesting strategy, now “believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it,” what a little baby. [WaPo/KC Star/HuffPo]
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Rick Perry, cocksucker.
We don't know this for sure. That is, we haven't actually seen the video. Yet.
So why is it bad for someone to be gay?
No, it's okay. He just a donkey cocksucker. I forgot to put that in.
Cocksucker libel!
Perry actually looked at the account name on all those checks Texas gets from the Potomac area – "Hot damn, free money! I'm KEEPIN' it!"
Rick perry says he is not gay because he does not like the taste of cock;Any more.Well not any less either.
Just go and take those fucking Dallas Cowboys with you. "America's Team" my ass.
The Ice Bowl in Green Bay was the best game ever. Dandy Don and the Cowboyz, "American's Loozers".
I loved Dandy Don as part of the Monday night football announcer team, though.
He was in a pretty great episode of "King of the Hill" as well.
"I've always been a creeper. Violetta says I creep like the kudzu vines that are slowly but surely strangling our Dixie."
I remember when Tex Schramm came out with that particular sobriquet back in the 70s; can't remember which member of the Oakland Raiders quipped, "So what does that make us, Nicaragua's Team?"
I preferred the alternative name for the Cowboys, The Warden's Team
America's (most hated) team. Though being a Packers fan, I'm a little biased.
Being a Cowboys hater that lives in Texas, so am I.
Coached by the man who killed the men's hat industry for half a century.
Come one, Landry's hat was pretty darn jaunty.
It always seemed to be sort of like the Yankees in baseball – lots of money, lots of hype, lots of rah-rah, in a way that causes red-blooded fans of any other team to despise them.
(I'm a California product, so not inclined to think much of Texans running off their mouths. Humph.)
Except the Yankees win, (sometimes).
How many texans does it take to eat an armadillo?
Three. One to eat the armadillo and two to watch for traffic.
Not all Cowboys fans are assholes, but if you're an asshole, you're probably a Cowboys fan.
Well the Patriots are nearly as bad, and of course the Steelers are lead by an unprosecuted serial rapist. Still the Cowboys are the most hateable.
Don't forget the Eagles, led by a dog killer.
Packers are America's team!! Because coldness and socialist!
I grew up in Green Bay. When I was a kid, I went to camp one summer in Fort Worth. I was picked up at the airport by the father of a local camper, who greeted me not with, "Hello," but "Yer boys beat our boys in '67." To which I could only reply, "Yes, yes, we did."
Skanky cheerleaders and all. Ugh.
To be fair, quite a few years ago, I found myself on a flight out of Dallas with the Cowboy cheerleaders, and they were pretty cute in their travelling outfits.
Bobbert Does Dallas
Nothing wrong with giving a Cowgirl a ride.
They are America's Team, in the sense that they are the team America loves to hate. Fuck off Cowboys, you and your horrible quarterback Tony Homo.
The Dallas Cowboys the only reason they can field a team is work release.
No snark for a moment: Why don't we want secession? The Southrons think evolution is fake and hate education, while my fellow Northeast folks like science and logic and safety nets and stuff.
Why not split into 2, or more, countries? I'll gladly take PA up through Maine as our new country.
It has lots of pluses, but it would mean abandoning the 20 or so folks that are rational.
JW raises hand.
Yes, you qualify for amnesty and free relocation. Next question?
(Whew)
Then I'm in.
Moving to FlorDuh did not raise the statewide IQ, as I had hoped – the sheer amount of proud ignorance is more resistant than first believed.
Fun fact about Southerners, even educated rational ones, of whom there are plenty. We have not desire to live in the North. People have no manners there.
But that's the thing: If the Northeast really did separate, I figure we would loudly offer relocation to those people who no longer want to live under a fundamentalist regime. So it would lead to an even greater amalgamation of brilliant folks in one area of the country.
That type of amnesty would only last until the inevitable overcrowding and strain on services pissed off the natives. Plus, the intellectual heft of all that 'brilliance' might well sink the NE into the Atlantic.
I'm currently living in Indiana for the next few weeks. There is PLENTY of spare room up here.
But…but….It’s cold up there. California’s part of our bright new nation, right? And can we have the US Virgin Islands?
Can the upper-east corner of Illinois pleez come with?
Couple problems: you have Indiana in the way, but it's possible we could do some sort of trade to get some of the more crazy conservatives out to turn it properly blue.
We would require large, large shipments of Deep Dish to NewMerica, and none of that Uno's chain garbage. The good stuff.
We could do kind of a Danzig Corridor thing.
Can we include Hawaii? I kinda like not needing a passport. Also, too, Oregon. And California.
As a native Marylander, I object to your boundaries.
Welcome aboard, I like you guys.
Gay marriage by popular vote, the Dream Act, and we've had religious tolerance on the books since 1649 (only preceded in this by Rhode Island, take that Quakers!).
We've also been annoying Virginians for centuries starting with our being founded by Papists
Escuse you, but please not to be sending Wisconsin off to live with the Southrons. We voted for Obama AND Tammy Baldwin.
Because it's worked so well for Korea and India?
Try Federalist papers 2-5 or so.
But who gets the nukes? You don't want 1/2 of the ex-USA's destroyers and drones and bombs and shit in the hands of New Jesusland.
We'll just take all the W's off DoD keyboards in New Jesusland when we leave. That oughta do it.
Ahem–what about true blue Minnesota? Why should we get stuck with the reds when we're way up north? And how do you propose to deal with Colorado and Nevada who are turning blue in a virtual sea of red? And your new country in the NE would be rather foolish to exclude California. Regional bigotry is not a nice quality, sir.
Snark aside–it's never gonna happen, so there's no use dreaming about it.
Arizona is blueing as well. I'd be happy to wall off all of Scottsdale, though.
Speaking of "true blue Minnesota", don't get me wrong, I like you guys, but especially for a blue state, how in the world do you keep re-electing Crazy Eyes? Is it just for the laughs?
o/ Beeeeeeeeee it! don't dream it. beeeeeeeeeeeeeee it ! don't dream it o/
"Regional bigotry is not a nice quality, sir. "
Thank you so fucking much for giving me the sentence I need to deal with this horse shit. My fellow Wonketeers are all about nuance and historical understanding, until they get the the South-bashing thing, where their critical-thinking skills seem to abandon them all together. It boggles the mind.
Nothing says the new nation has to have contiguous borders: let's do the West Coast (plus Hawai'i), the region you mentioned, and any college towns and progressive areas in the heartland or south that want to join in. It would make for a strange looking map, but a civilized nation…
Sadly a lot of borders to patrol, but, that could work. I figured it could work to have a couple of SuperStates that would govern themselves. So, PA/Maryland up through Maine, then the rust belt as another, the Deep South, the West Coast, etc.
Why even contemplate secession when demographics are finally turning in our favor?
I'll stay here and go all Red Dawn II on their ass (at least as long as my cell stays charged)
If the can't "unilaterally secede", what if we make it a mutual decision?
I foresee one HUGE problem with allowing the right-wingers to concentrate themselves somewhere outside the Union. They are so fractious and war-loving that It'd be like establishing Hitler's Germany right next door. There would soon be hand-to-hand combat in the cities and suburbs, or worse, as in nuclear strikes on Union territory. They are not sane.
Damn the nukes are in the mid west.But it's not like they would know how to fire them.Buttons have to many moving parts for Conservatards.
"I'm a Hessian….with no aggression." Yosemite Sam
President Glen Beck of The United States of morons?
Hey, Texas, you won't get to keep the military bases, or NASA, or the Pantex nukuler weapons manufacturing plant in Amarillo; also, the INS will patrol north of the Red River, not the Rio Grande. Keep all that shit in mind.
None of that shit matters. Duh…the black guy got re-elected.
Hey Jawjuh? Newt? Ditto for the C-130 assembly plant in Cobb County.
Wait, that means we're keeping Oklahoma? One of only three states without a single county that went for Obama?
Don't forget all the subsidy checks. Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, farm subsidies.
Roads, bridges, and other infrastructure…
And we will buy our oil from Canada, thank you.
Remind me again, how many aircraft carriers does Texas have?
Just one. Oh, and a dreadnought.
I reckon no Messicans are going to want their land back once the U.S. removes our military.
Last time some states seceded there was some disagreement over the ownership of federal installations, namely a Fort in Charleston Harbor.
The only good thing that ever came out of Texas is I-10.
do they need help packing?
I get my buddy's truck too
Scott Brown?
I will drive the conservatards to the airport myself.
Please don't get rid of us, Ohio has people who signed it too and I don't want to leave this country, we finally have hope again!
Don't worry. We'll airlift the entire city of Austin out before you guys leave.
Austin, Ohio?
I assumed s/he was talking about Texas, but if it's Ohio then we can airlift out…um…parts of Cleveland and a couple of roller coasters from Cedar Point?
I was definitely talking about Ohio. (I actually searched for Austin, Ohio, and the best I found was Austintown… Which is in a very blue county, at least.)
Actually if we make the border right down Rts 40 through Columbus, Indianapolis and Peoria it should work out fine. Let the Yahoos have the Ohio River and it's flood plain.
Ohio can stay,but the repbulicans have to be relocated to Utah.We can set up GOP reservations,and deny them Casinos.
Haven't we been trying to give Texas back to Mexico for years? This would save us so much paperwork.
Hasn't Mexico suffered enough?
Yesterday I read an article about how many of the people who were signing the petition (On FACEBOOK! So you know it's official!) for Alabama to secede weren't from Alabama. No shit guys, just fucking try it, please. PLEASE.
It's on Facebook – slacktivism at its best!
You have to suspect something is wrong when you write a petition to secede and everyone from outside your state signs it.
Take my Confederacy… PLEASE!
This right here, this is brilliance!
Typo.
Leave the racists. Take the cannoli.
Can we create a petition to send the Union army to re-occupy the South to make them stop acting all treason-y again?
Why bother?
Do it. Let us know the link and we'll pass it around. Should be great fun!
Several points to make:
1) Federalize the National Guard in each state where the number of petition signers exceeds 1,000 and use those troops to guard Federal installations (none of that grabbing of unguarded depots and forts like last time).
2) Move the Navy to blockade positions outside seaports of said states in preparation for instant activation of the blockade.
3) Alert the NIH to start a crash program to clone William Tecumseh Sherman.
Funny how Louisianans had no thoughts of secession when the Katrina dollars were flowing in or a BP cleanup was happening.
Well, they sure were ungrateful the whole time.
The attitude here in the Katrina disaster area on the beautiful volunteer helpers v/s Brownie & BushCo's Fema has consistently been "For all who helped, a million thank yous. For those whose job it was to help, but didn't, a million f*ck yous."
Now of course we're busy holding benefits for the Hurricane Sandy area. (Much is all too familiar. When I got electricity back 5 weeks after the storm, I was cutting edge lucky; 6 months and more was very common.)
Don't bother them with facts!
Point of order, the Katrina levee failure disaster area population is predominantly Democratic (and the city of New Orleans itself overwhelmingly so). Unfortunately we're outnumbered by the neo-Confederates in the northern 2/3 of the Louisiana.
1. The land is attached. You can't saw Florida off and float it anywhere.
2. These people always bitched about "English only". That may be a problem for 'em now.
3. Only the US is pro-gun, so leaving means you're unarming yourself, dumbass.
4. If you must take anything, take Mississippi. Geographically, it's a fucking bore, and completely uninteresting. It's our very own personal Quebec.
1. Are you saying Loony Tunes lied?
2. Forget your fancy "English" – they will speak Rill Murkan
3. Well, aside from the firearms they constantly masturbate to/on/with (I don't want to know which one is correct)
4. Needs more European sophistication.
If only we had a way of democratically polling the nation about how we collectively feel about these issues.
…or buying those polls. But we tried that recently, too. Didn't work.
It's only a democracy if my team wins! *Thbbbbt*
That's gonna take, like, four years to set up.
After realizing that US Amercia is the only nation that has Corprat Healf kare mandated by not gay War Jeebu$, the wingnuts have gone all Confederatzi on US Amercia failing to (yet again) realize that they have no legal grounding, what happened the last time or that US Amercia might actually be sick of their crybaby shit and cut them fucking loose.
So how many people supporting the Texas secession page are actual treasonous Texans, and how many are normal good patriotic Americans who want to rid this country of that pestering boil shithole?
I’m in I would drive down there and help them pack if it would speed this thing along.
Hey, let's scan the signatories! I think Seymour Butts lives in Austin. Mike Hunt down by Brownsville…….
If there is secession, I say we gerrymander the border on them just to mess with their heads. Trying to get from Texas to Arizona? Sorry about your 2,000 mile side trip!
19 of the 31 states where a few thousand yahoos have signed (or marked their X on) secession petitions are net takers versus makers insofar as federal tax dollars go.
If all these wingnuts secede our quality of life ranking will jump at least 10 spots or more.. Go for it Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama etc.
Average national IQ numbers should spike, too.
Diabeetus numbers will plummet, also!
And they're all states that get a hell of a lot more in federal money than they pay in taxes, except for Texas, while the East and West Coast blue states subsidize them. Dumping their freeloading asses would help with the deficit big time.
Good. Fucking. Riddance.
Secede? Cool, just don't expect me to try and stop you, much less go to war again over it.
Someone thought of it first (don't recall where I heard it) but TX and LA should feel free to join together with the entire racist hate-filled red-state mess that is the southeastern US to form "Dumbfuckistan"
Oh, don't forget to take Arizona with you.
Adios motherfuckers.
By "union," Perry means boinky-boinky.
I loathed Dubya and never voted for him. I never hated my country and her citizens though. Please, go, and let the doorknob hit your ass on the way out.
Teatard Bluster. Aren't these the same imbeciles that scream every 10 seconds about Obama dividing our country?
In some better alternate timeline, there was no Civil War.
Instead, President Lincoln said this:
"You want to secede from the Union? Fine. Go ahead.
"However, as soon as you do, the Fugitive Slave Law becomes null and void. Any slave who crosses the Ohio River or the Mason-Dixon line will not be returned to you and is a freedman forever.
"So between the loss of your free unpaid labor, and the cost of garrisoning thousands of miles of border and coastline and inland waterways, good luck with your economy on that.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I've got tickets waiting for me at the will-call window at Ford's Theater."
Interesting. Considering that the slave population outnumbered the property owners in some areas, they would have also been leaving themselves open to a attempted revolts
The Abolition movement would not go away. They would smuggle slaves out and weapons in. The CSA would have built a border fence and would have went to war with the USA anyway over the activities of he Abolitionists.
Is this some kind of thinly veiled paid campaign for the soon-to-be-released Lincoln?
!!!!!!
and the James Bond – Petraeus connection.
Hollywood IS running the counntry!!!!!!!!!
Brought to you by the same folks who convinced millions that 2012 was a real thing.
Its all an ancient Mayan Conspiracy, they're making a come back.
If at first you don't secede, try, try again.
Nicely played.
You're waited almost 150 years to write this, haven't you?
How much you wanna bet they bring back slavery after they secede?
Bring it "back"? When did it stop?
In their imagination you mean, right?
LOL! I'd like to see them fuckin' try. You don't let a people taste freedom for as long as we have an expect to put this genie back in the bottle. The South would burn to the ground before they introduced Southern-styled slavery, again.
They will name their new wingnut paradise The Independent Republic of Butthurt Randtards.
I'm pretty sure when learning of this development, Barry and I had the same reaction: we yawned, chuckled softly to ourselves and farted loudly in Southernly direction.
Wait a minute the stupid people want to form they're own country? Bet they name it Teabeckastan.
Or maybe GlenBeckistan – would be about as relevant.
GlenBeckyBeckyStanStan
We shouldn't allow the Red States to secede – we should demote them to Territory status and appoint their governors until they prove they can govern themselves again.
But we can't risk Niki Haley's impressive effort to bring more jobs to her State so far.
Like I said, restart reconstruction!
No, no, no…we let them secede then we send in the military and reclaim those states and make them Federal Districts like DC — so we can tax them but they get no representation in Congress. Problem solved!
My position for Quebec has always been that Canada should let them secede and subsequently fail, then buy the province back for a dime on the loon (ask a Canadian). This would drop the onus on the rest of the country of supporting them with their taxes to make up for what the Quebecois didn't pay, maintaining dual language schools, signs, ballots, etc. It would work just as well in our own South Bumfuckistan, except I think a few pennies on the dollar should do it.
Fakakta performed the most incredible live, spoken word rant on this subject this morning, went on for 10 minutes of brilliance and wit, invective and derision, she could be a fucking star I tells ya, the anti-Limbaugh voice of sanity, I can't begin to recount it except to note that it began with the statistics on the ratio of taxes paid to federal dollares received for the seceding welfare states and how much they milk from the federal government that they despise, and then she took off. I am as always in awe of her knowledge, intellect, wit, and righteous anger.
An oral presentation, eh?
Pics or GTFO!
Oh geez, it was on the phone this time, sorry. But all the naked ranting and stomping about the states vs the federal government will be televised next time, I promise you. God I am such a nerd.
You are so crazy, but very sweet to me. It IS a fact though, when a state gets 2.02 from the Federal government for every 1 dollar it puts in and then starts raising hell about being part of the organization because they are too stupid to understand how good they've got it, well, fuck it man, it's back of the hand time bitches. (And we'll be taking that TVA contract, your military bases and all port authority you ever thought to have, an do enjoy keeping them borders safe). Fucking brilliant these secessioners are, always.
Good point about the TVA. We take the dams, leave the water
Available transcript?
She is the one with the amazing memory and near-perfect recall. I could not do justice to it.
Is there a Wonkette Morning Conference Call? Goddammit, Editrix, is there a podcast and floor show, too? Are you going to advertise or something?!
Here is an ever so timely piece that is guaranteed to delight:
http://www.fuckthesouth.com
Rick Perry “believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it,"
Translation: keep sending those sweet, sweet federal dollars our way since the praying thing hasn't worked out so well.
Let's let the landlocked states secede. Reroute roads to go around the state and aggressively defend U.S. airspace.
Border fence! Bi-lingual only (pig latin acceptable…)
Wait a minute, all the Hessians I know listen to metal and skateboard. Well, they do shoot guns, but mostly at targets, while drunk, for pictures to post on their Facespace accounts.
Lemmy tattoos in every pot!
Let Texas secede. Declare a conflict. Drone strike every registered Republican home. Storm the capital–take down Bush's statue. Claim victory. Repeat every 8 years.
P.S. Petraeus, I've got this from here.
Austin rhymes with Berlin…which means airlift to Sane City, TX…
I realize everybody looooves fucking Austin but they're not the only blue county surrounded by a sea of red in Texas.
Friend of mine from Russia once told me that every election in that country, there's someone who vows to get Alaska back.
I see no reason to not let them…
I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit.
It's the only way to be sure.
Knock it off, Hudson.
Turns out the sense of entitlement in the (newly defined) 47% class is pretty audacious. Let 'em go, see how far they go without Uncle Subsidy.
This clown needs only a few signatures. We Wonkies should give him assistance in helping Texas secede.¹
¹#tonguefirmlyincheek
Maybe this new country they build out of the seceded states can merge with the nation it will most resemble, and become known as Western Somalia.
White Somalia was already taken by Arizona?
Walmart Somalia?
It would be great for the rest of America if we could pack 'em all off to Florida, and then recreate the team that dug the Panama Canal, can you dig it? But there would be a need to put a "Manhattan Project" rush on it, also. Remember that 2016 is just around the figurative corner, in a New York minute, too.
We're winning the war against the old farts who vote republican and you want us to relinquish one of the most naturally beautiful states in the union? Fuck that noise.
Finally. A purpose for all those FEMA prisons.
So what's the downside if a few states secede peacefully? I mean, think about it. Think about the starving residents of Kansas as they are surrounded by the rest of the United States. We can stand at the border and laugh at them and tease them with bottles of Coke and new iPads….it'll be like one giant zoo exhibit only the apes won't fling poo!
And then we can hire Kansasians (?) to mow our lawn for cheap. Build the danged fence already also, too.
Can we have a Berlin-style airlift in and out of Lawrence? Pretty please? We'll build our own wall if it'll help.
Only if you promise to disarm the nukes first.
Disarm?
We just said "Screw it" and detonated them back in '83. Most of the radiation has dissipated, and all the mutants moved to Topeka to start a church.
I heard Michigan has one of these petitions. For the life of me, I'll never understand all of the secession talk and the few Confederate flags I've seen up here from people's whose ancestors fought and died to keep the country, together. Hell, the only statue of a person on the Michigan Capitol grounds – and the most visible and central monument on the grounds – is a statue of Austin Blair, one of the most fiery abolitionist govenors in the country, at the time.
The stupidity and offensiveness of the exercize just leaves me breathless.
As an outed atheist, I would love to see how a Christian country's constitution would read. This may sound treasonous, but seriously, I'd love to watch this evolve.
MAKE IT SO, Christianists!
cf:Saudi Arabia; Iran
I'm thinking more of "Baptist versus Methodist", or "Presbyterian versus Mormon".
Somehow, I think they'll finally figure out why AMENDMENT ONE was so well worded — but they had to find out the hard way.
Adios mofo.
"I am a part of all that I have stepped in.
And all experience is a stage wherethrough
Gleams that uncomprehended audience whose members laugh
Forever and forever when I gaffe." — Ricky, Lord Perryson
This is the most exciting development since the remake of Red Dawn!
Wolverines!
They did it A SECOND TIME?
Yep, and starring an Aussie with the least convincing American accent since Renee Zellweger in Cold Mountain.
Though, if they secede, the Wolverines! cry will have to be replaced. It'll remain with the USA.
Wait, Renee Z was born in Tex…
Oh, now ISWYDT. Nevermind.
You wouldn't know it from watching the flick (which I do not, repeat do not, recommend you do).
I heard they had to change the bad guys from China to North Korea, because somebody in the studio forgot the cold war is over and we can't be making enemies out of our economic trading partners. So yeah, millions of North Koreans invade, defeat, and occupy the U.S. I suppose it's as plausible as the Cuban-Nicaraguan axis of the first movie.
First in treason, last in everything else.
I know, I know: Mississippi libel.
James DeMint is prematurely spinning in his grave.
South Carolina isn't the first one this time? What a sham!
OT: HAPPY DIWALI to our Hindu, Sikh, and Jain Wonketeers!!! :0)
Wait, so a scattered group of citizens mostly from the Party of Lincoln – you know, the guy who wanted to keep the Union together – is calling for secession?
They keep this shit up, and their going to wake up the Zombie Abraham.
This petition drive is a nefarious plot by O'Bamz to get the locations of all true Amerikkans. For targeting purposes.
I nominate Allen West to be president of New TeaBagistan. I hear he's looking for a new gig.
It's not just the blue states that have all the money and brains, it's the blue counties in the red states. And we smug northern fuckers need to look around and realize the South begins as soon as our cell signals revert to 2G, even in North Dakota.
While running ragged tryng to get people out of water and collapsing homes for the first few days after Sandy, I found a 7-11 running on generator power and stopped off for my first hot coffee three days. Outside was a guy with the full mulletification of a guy from the deep red south in his 'Stars and Bars' emblazoned truck with the "Bochephus III' emblazoned across the front had a MASS license plates. Since he had a winch on his truck I asked if he had an hour or so to pull some drift wood off a road which was blocking the only road in and out of a low lying area. His response was, "I'm really just passing through. How much does it pay?" Then he saw me get in the OBAMA stickers and he called me a … guess … ? Wouldn't do it unless I paid him.
Didn't Mittens win the Presidency of the Confederacy; it'll give him something to do.
What if they won't secede?
I love this secession idea as it's a fair litmus test for separating the people who are conservative due to misinformation/lazy thinking from the ones who are genuinely brain damaged.
That's exactly what James Madison said.
This is the political equivalent of a child holding its breath when it doesn't get its way.
I saw we let him until he passes out, just for the hilarity.
Could we literally put their suitcases on America's front lawn?
"And their best sharkskin suit, right on top of some dog-waste!"
Don't let the back door hit ya, where the good lord split ya.
As Rabbi Avram Belinsky put it, "Would somebody please show these poor assholes the way out of town?"
Hey, what if Wonkette got together a petition that some WH intern could ignore?
I vote a petition for those cakes we like. Anyone up for writing one?
We could call it the Cedar Cheese Initiative.
Isn't there a Weedlord petition ?
We could petition to make Wonkette the official blog of the United States.
This. This I like.
Megaupfists!
Why don't we all pick one state that we're not using all that much anyway, say Utah or Oklahoma, and have all the folks who want to secede move there then break away.
Any one else from a blue state going to sign every petition from worthless states like Texas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Alaska, Montana, Idaho, Utah, Arizona (DEFINITELY signing that one), North Dakota, South Dakota, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, Flori-duh? I know I am
You got your federal troops in my Charleston Harbor! No, you got your Charleston Harbor in my federal troops!
Civil War 2: Electric Bugaloo.
When Civil War 2 comes to America, it will be wrapped in a muumuu and carrying a cross.
Don't shoot (with votes) until you see the whites of their Hostess cupcakes' center!
Don't shoot until you see the whites! (with votes)
Hessian Mercenary Libel!!!!!
Ooooh, hey everyone! Uberrelevant!
It's already gone meta!
Take that, Wachowski's!
Okay, I was just going to propose a petition that those who petition for succession be required to wear dunce hats, but this is even better.
Nah, I like this one best
https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/respect…
Can dependably blue areas like Austin, Nashville, Atlanta, New Orleans, and here in Savannah (my voting district voted 72% for Obama!) become protectorates or territories or something?
Actually, Savannah already is the property of the
YankeesUnion: Sherman gave Lincoln the city of Savannah as a Christmas present in 1864* and I believe he included the official statement of 'no take backs'.* Seriously. He did.
We could use a man like General Sherman.
Didn't need no welfare state…
It's never too soon to post this again…
I will pop some popcorn and watch Majority-Minority Texas have a Civil War over having a Civil War.
http://www.texastribune.org/texas-counties-and-de…
http://www.tmdailypost.com/article/politics/will-…
Eva Longoria/Rosie Perez 2016! Or vice versa.
OT, but man oh man oh man, as the Petraus story emerges, it appears that its this Jill Kelley woman, the OTHER other woman, who is the one with the fucking magical pussy that makes men, generals, FBI Agents, and anything else that enters its gravitational field, go fucking cuckoo for cocoa-puffs off the fucking rails yodeling naked in the street CRAZY!
She's like the REAL prostitute that Eliot Spitzer was down and went down for, and that goofy jersey girl got all the whore-dollars. COME ON JILL! Claim your Magic Pussy with the Gravitational Pull Crown (you really went all out there, didn't ya). Don't let that writer bitch get all the cred!
I love distractions so so much.
I'm just waiting for my real life to begin.
Thanks for making me go listen to that.
And the best part is that the FBI agent who set the whole thing in motion is a low-level Barney Fife and a Teatard. Ever watchful for a chance to get in Jill Kelley's pants, he got his bosses to start this investigation he wasn't allowed to be a part of, after she went crying to him in her tight lemon dress. But, undeterred, and still entranced by imaginings of her frilly underthings, he kept busy-bodying around until he had convinced himself that NOBAMA was quashing his gallant attempt to get some! So he runs to Eric Cantor and NewsMax, like a little crying bitch, but they won't try and sink NOBAMA before the election because of residual respect for Bush Boy Patraeus. There the poor guy sits, boner in hand, cock-blocked by NOBAMA!!
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/13/us/timeline-sho…
She'll be the headline star of "Real Housewives who fuck Generals Over"
It might not be a Magical Pussy. Maybe she sucks dick like Nancy Regan.
Apparently it wasn't institutional, bureaucratic infighting at all, it was who gets to get In Jill Kelley fighting! I'm surprised it didn't come to fisticuffs, or even bar-clamps, before all was said and done!
Saw this this morning and thought you would like to jump on it like whatever …
Former secretary of state says two-party dominion of elections dooms process
A former New Jersey Secretary of State says only a broad grassroots movement can accomplish what elected officials in the two parties have a vested interest in not making happen, namely greater protection of the sacred right to vote.
DeForest “Buster” Soaries, a former Republican who served as secretary of state under Gov. Christine Todd Whitman and as an appointee to the federal Election Assistance Commission (EAC), said the protection process in the country right now amounts to political theater. (Pizarro, PolitickerNJ) http://www.politickernj.com/60999/fmr-sec-state-s…
Taking the World's Safest Medicine (Total overdose deaths : 0) is WRONG because it hurts the profits of Phizer & Budweiser…
Yay safe medicine!
I'm assuming there must be nukes in the south somewhere. Do they get to keep them? I'm pretty sure they can't be trusted with any of them.
I say we start posting, in the Wingtard blogosphere, the rumor that these secession petitions are being used to collect names for the FEMA camps in Montana. Roll those boxcars..and WAKE UP, SHEEPLE, etc.!!!
America First! Unless they elect a black guy.
I do declare Miss Scarlett, our new Glorious Cause is this time we'll let them secede.
Isn't this what Palin called the "pro-American" parts of the country? I am so disappointed
He misheard the question; he thought they were asking about his hair.
With the ensuing savings in federal taxes I'll finally be able to afford that Aston Martin DB5 I've been wanting since my folks took me to see Goldfinger in '64.
Richard Gatling, call on line two.
I'm down for connecting from DC up. DC is warm enough, no?
I guess I could hang with DC…. considering global warming and all, it ought to be quite nice in a few years.
I love how these babies want to secede instead taking the simplest approach of packing their shit and leaving. We've spent too much money on these red state money pits to just let them wander off and become their own country. Either pay us back for decades of infrastructure and disaster relief or GTFO.
Or, "Self-Deport" as the Mittster recommends.
See? Obama is like Lincoln.
Sounds like a plan. The Teabaggerstan Reservation.
Teatardistan?
Just fucking go, leave a check for the Interstates and no you cannot have any nukes, you're too stupid.
Do they get a really neat flag? Do we take their stars off of ours? Or should we just shoot them for being traitors?
Maybe we could have them secede like every Wednesday and every other weekend, kind of like visitation. I just suggest this since they're acting like children…
the name of this new "Christian" nation should be "WhiteTrashistan"
Do you (pick one):
1. Love this country
2. Want to secede whenever you do not get your way
Because the two are mutually exclusive.
Texas secedes, USA invades, all the assorted wingnuts hole up in the Alamo and are slaughtered. A plan, indeed.
Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?
SAY WHA?! WHADDYA MEAN I NEED A PASSPURT TO SEE UNCLE BUBBA IN OKLAHOEMA??? WHAT'S A PASSPURT?
If Obama were really the president these guys claim he is, this would just be a clever ploy to collect the addresses of all the treasonous people needing to be rounded up.
I was just on National Catholic Reporter, where one commenter was practically wetting his/her pants with excitement that 30 states want to leave the Union. I haven't heard back since I explained that it's really not THE STATES, but random sore losers within those states who have filed the petitons, probably all of whom are card carrying Tea Baggers. Would anyone with an IQ over 8 not realize that ideantical petitions from 30 different places probably didn't just appear on their own? These people are lucky that Obamacare will help them get the medications and therapy they so desperately need.
I've signed the petitions to strip the citizenship rights of those who want to secede and have them deported.
"hunted down by vicious Hessian mercenaries"
Yosemite Sam libel!
Actually, one of my ancestors was one of those Hessians. From what I can tell he was a bit of a jerk.
Yes, what's the big deal? Sure liberals are happy to march further and further down the road to 1984, e.g., increased surveillance of citizens, NDAA, suspension of due process for citizens in cases of suspicion of terrorism. etc., the greatest assault on civil liberties in over a generation. Really, who gives a shit — OUR GUY WON!! WOO HOO!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embe…!
Before 9/11, the US routinely condemned Israel's use of targeted killing against Palestinian terrorists asserting that "the United States government is very clearly on record as against targeted assassination … they are extrajudicial killings, and we do not support that." Now that our guy won — WHOO HOO!!! What's the big deal? Gosh, why in the world would people start to think about leaving this liberal wonderland you're all creating?
There is a reason for that.
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