INVASION OF A RACK  8:50 am November 13, 2012

David Petraeus, Gen. John Allen, And Shirtless FBI Agent Sent Sexy Emails All The Time, To Everyone

by Rich Abdill

We're gonna need more nervous popcorn.Oh man is David Petraeus’ wiener getting people in trouble today.

We already knew about Petraeus, a retired four-star general and (now former) director of the CIA, and how he started up an affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, and how Broadwell then sent a bunch of crazy threatening emails to some lady in Tampa, probably about how Tampa Lady’s face looks like it’s carved out of soap.

We also knew that Petraeus and Broadwell then broke up, ending the first ever documented case of someone in the military community being unfaithful to their spouse. Then, Petraeus sent her “thousands” of emails, because he, apparently, is quite a dork, and somehow not at all busy running the Central Intelligence Agency.

But WOW, is there more.

First of all, the FBI goober who started all this investigating of emails was apparently quite friendly with Tampa Lady, who goes by “Jill Kelley.” Friendly to the point that he for some reason sent her shirtless pictures of himself, à la every creepy guy who has ever done a sit-up (Remember Congressman Chris Lee?!).

But the government professionalism does not stop there, no, that would be quite boring. Today’s New York Times tells us more about the nakey FBI fella who sent a bunch of shirtless selfies to Jill Kelley:

He had no training in cybercrime, was not part of the cyber squad handling the case and was never assigned to the investigation.

But the agent, who was not identified, continued to “nose around” about the case, and eventually his superiors “told him to stay the hell away from it, and he was not invited to briefings,” the official said…

Later, the agent became convinced — incorrectly, the official said — that the case had stalled. Because of his “worldview,” as the official put it, he suspected a politically motivated cover-up to protect President Obama. The agent alerted Eric Cantor, the House majority leader, who called the F.B.I. director, Robert S. Mueller III, on Oct. 31 to tell him of the agent’s concerns.

In case you missed that: The FBI is investigating harassment that’s connected to the director of the CIA having an affair, and one of its officers is stomping around Congress wearing a tin foil hat, telling Eric Cantor about the big conspiracy to keep the Kenyan Marxist in office. This stellar, upstanding officer also appears to be the one who leaked details of the investigation to… Newsmax, which is a lot like if your house got broken into, and instead of calling the police you write a letter to a homeless guy. And also your house was never actually broken into. (We have no evidence he was the guy who leaked to Newsmax except for the hope that there are not two Fibbies stomping around in tinfoil hats.)

But wait! There is STILL more!

From today’s Washington Post, featuring the distractingly badass dateline “ABOARD A U.S. MILITARY AIRCRAFT”:

The FBI probe into the sex scandal that led to the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus has expanded to ensnare Gen. John R. Allen, the commander of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan, the Pentagon announced early Tuesday.

Oh, god. Petraeus was having sex with John Allen too?

According to a senior U.S. defense official, the FBI has uncovered between 20,000 and 30,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Allen and Jill Kelley, a 37-year-old Tampa woman whose close friendship with Petraeus ultimately led to his downfall.

Ok, so not that, at least. Turns out it’s just that Petraeus’s mistress sent threatening emails to Kelley, who was also sending 30,000 pages of emails back and forth with Allen. All the while, Petraeus is sending thousands of emails to Broadwell too, and everybody’s Blackberrys melted.

And now the FBI, somewhere, has crates of emails — crates! — between a second four-star general and a second woman. How many times do you have to write “I am in the desert and I have a boner” to fill up 30,000 pages?

The answer is 2,820,000, if you use 12-point Arial, but that is beside the point. The point is that “pages” is a stupid way to measure emails, and also that the guy currently in charge of almost 70,000 troops in Afghanistan was sex-mailing all the time. Also, that somehow this guy convinced a lady to sex-mail with him at all:

I know, right?
(One can only imagine what kind of saucy emails baggy-faced old men send from the middle of nowhere: “Oh, you are as delicious as apricot marmalade, oh…”)

In any case, the men in charge of protecting our country have reduced Politico to ledes like this one:

Marine Gen. John R. Allen, the four-star U.S. commander of the war in Afghanistan, exchanged thousands of “potentially inappropriate” emails with Jill Kelley, the Tampa woman who claimed to have been harassed by the ex-mistress of former CIA Director David Petraeus.

Oh, and in case you’ve forgotten amidst all the intercourse, we still aren’t going to hear from Petraeus about Benghazi. [NYT/WaPo]

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if you’re really excited, Rich Abdill is on Facebook and Twitter too.

 
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{ 289 comments }

johnnyzhivago November 13, 2012 at 8:53 am

Horny old generals and slutty cougars —->> this script has potential!

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:15 am

If it took them tens of thousands of pages of email text to do email sexytime, I think they're probably doing it wrong.

memzilla November 13, 2012 at 9:27 am

Titles? Don't mind if I do!

"Operation Unchained Poontang"
"Seal Team Sex"
"Hoo-ah Ho-ah"
"Semper Infidelis"

Did I miss any?

thatsitfortheother1 November 13, 2012 at 9:34 am

"Operation (See My) Anaconda"

BaldarTFlagass November 13, 2012 at 9:34 am

"This One's for Fighting, This One's for Fun."

johnnyzhivago November 13, 2012 at 9:44 am

Fort Fornication

thatsitfortheother1 November 13, 2012 at 9:33 am

Cougary cougars cougar.

actor212 November 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

Clearly you never watched "Army Wives" on Oxygen or some such.

GeorgiaBurning November 13, 2012 at 11:07 am

'Dancing with the Four-Stars"

RaflcaFlkaFlame November 13, 2012 at 11:37 am

Real Housewives of the Pentagon?

NYNYNYjr November 13, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Yo, Paula Broadwell should write a book about THIS shit. I might buy that book. It needs a color photo section in the middle obviously. "The Cougars of Kabul". ?

Beetagger November 13, 2012 at 8:54 am

This is like trying to jerk off to the History Channel.

RomneysLogCabin November 13, 2012 at 9:22 am

This comment has my mushroom stamp of approval.

ChillBill November 13, 2012 at 9:33 am

To "Ancient Aliens," more specifically.

MUHAMMED_PBUH November 13, 2012 at 11:00 am

thereby lending yet another entendre to the term "FBI Probe"

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 9:36 am

I remember when the History Channel was still the Hitler Channel.

ChillBill November 13, 2012 at 9:50 am

I thought Fox News was the "Hitler Channel."

Defeatably_Joe November 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

Now we have the Military Channel, and the Pawn Stars Channel.

And Honey Boo Boo.

actor212 November 13, 2012 at 9:55 am

Pawn Stars is really a sneaky history program. I love it. Last night, they showed the Sturgis rally with a side trip to Mt Rushmore.

Fare la Volpe November 13, 2012 at 9:47 am

You haven't been up at 1 am watching History of Sex with a one-night stand that repulses you into a tequila bottle.

…Not that…I would…ah fuck it.

actor212 November 13, 2012 at 9:56 am

It must be awfully tight, being repulsed into a tequila bottle…

actor212 November 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

Well, there was that two hour special on the bikini…

thatsitfortheother1 November 13, 2012 at 10:03 am

Growin it up. And waxin' it down…

Yellerdawg November 13, 2012 at 9:59 am

And here I thought I was the only one!

GuidanceRo_Man November 13, 2012 at 10:00 am

You mean hawt?

freakishlywrong November 13, 2012 at 8:55 am

Democrats have a great election and gaining steam? SEX SCANDAL Quick, good news for D's, something shiny, look over there! Also BENGHAZI, too.

AlterNewt November 13, 2012 at 8:56 am

Burkas. That's the solution.

weejee November 13, 2012 at 9:35 am

For the Generals?

Fare la Volpe November 13, 2012 at 9:48 am

For the emails!

actor212 November 13, 2012 at 9:56 am

Ees naxt, sveemvare! Varry nice.

AutomaticPilot November 13, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I'm sad you only got three upfists for that one. Does no one remember that commercial??

emmelemm November 13, 2012 at 8:44 pm

I do! I do!

AlterNewt November 14, 2012 at 2:58 am
freakishlywrong November 13, 2012 at 8:57 am

Why is the FBI investigating what amounts to and Archie/Betty/Veronica love triangle?

Defeatably_Joe November 13, 2012 at 9:02 am

Because they successfully solved all terrorism, and were just about to get around to dismantling the unprecedented surveillance state we built to combat it, but then this came up. I'm sure.

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:17 am

Apparently the FBI didn't want to investigate, but one of their agents wanted to schtupp Miz Kelley and thought his superiors rejecting the case was a clear sign of Nobama interference.

Geminisunmars November 13, 2012 at 9:24 am

Finally — a concise and understandable explanation. Now we can all move on. Thank you.

boskolives November 13, 2012 at 9:31 am

Schtupp blocking is now a federal offence?

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 9:26 am

Because they thought the general's email account/computer had been compromised.

Fare la Volpe November 13, 2012 at 9:49 am

Because the FBI is full of Jugheads.

Mumbletypeg November 13, 2012 at 8:57 am

What's a "sit-up"?

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:17 am

It's what we do on the sofa before we "get up" and head to the kitchen for a refill.

actor212 November 13, 2012 at 9:58 am

I think it's like a "because shut up, that's why" but on a barstool.

Defeatably_Joe November 13, 2012 at 8:58 am

I don't know if anyone's mentioned this yet, but Paula Broadwell would be a great name for a Bond girl.

EnnuiThereYet? November 13, 2012 at 9:15 am

And Paul Broadstance is the name that Larry Craig should've given to that cop.

MARCdMan November 13, 2012 at 9:17 am

Her Bond name would be something like Felicity Broadchest

boskolives November 13, 2012 at 9:32 am

How about Paula Galore?

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 9:34 am

Ooo…ooo…let me try!

Imogen Sugarwalls

Constance Hardcastle

Gretchen Applebottom

Fare la Volpe November 13, 2012 at 9:52 am

Vermin Supreme! Wait…

MiniMencken November 13, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Maybe Paula Spreadwell. The gold standard, after all, is Pussy Galore.

BadKitty904 November 13, 2012 at 8:58 am

Your Tax Dollars at Work

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 9:43 am

Your Tax Dollars at Fap

Fare la Volpe November 13, 2012 at 9:52 am

Our money is right where it belongs — in some lady's thong.

NorthStarSpanx November 13, 2012 at 10:40 am

No wonder Mitt thought it beneath him to pay taxes, it'd fund all this bad sexytime.

freakishlywrong November 13, 2012 at 8:58 am

"Gif" being the word of the year or whatever, THAT .gif is the win of the day.

johnnyzhivago November 13, 2012 at 8:58 am

The made for TV Movie:

"Get ready for high heeled hi-jinks as a sex crazed General and the wackiest group of officers in the Army team up with the zany dames at Home Base HouseWives HeadQuarters for a WORLD WIDE WEB of FUN!"

BadKitty904 November 13, 2012 at 9:00 am

It's funny because it's true!

memzilla November 13, 2012 at 8:59 am

This is the best you can do, Faux News and Newshax?

Your coverage of a couple of years worth of inappropriate f**king in the military is not going to distract us from how you and your Rethuglican cohort have been ratf**king the country for over 30 years.

ManchuCandidate November 13, 2012 at 9:07 am

Especially considering their vaunted military base is the officer corps.

CrunchyKnee November 13, 2012 at 9:20 am

Rupert Murdoch: Sounds like a challenge to me, mate.

thatsitfortheother1 November 13, 2012 at 9:37 am

Inappropriate REPUBLICAN f**king, at that.

stopthemovie November 13, 2012 at 9:00 am

Guess who said "I think it's personally very sad for he and his family," Need a second? Thought not.Callista Gingrich!!!!!!

Dudleydidwrong November 13, 2012 at 9:31 am

Callista had three majors in college: sluttiness, stupidity, and English.

snowpointsecret November 13, 2012 at 9:00 am

David Patraeus, you are NOT the father!

ManchuCandidate November 13, 2012 at 9:00 am

It seems that Washington DC is Beverly Hills 90210 for olds.*

*I dunno why the NYT and the US Amercia public would be shocked.

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:18 am

That base in Tampa more so than DC.

docterry6973 November 13, 2012 at 9:00 am

I send 500 emails a day to Angelina Jolie. I don't see the problem here.

LibertyLover November 13, 2012 at 9:16 am

Angelina doesn't either, as long as you abide by that restraining order…

docterry6973 November 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Her lawyers sent me an extra-special private email address to use, which has worked out very well so far.

mavenmaven November 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

The Republicans just want to prove that some of their people really like women, too. Helps, you know, close the women gap.

BaldarTFlagass November 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

So, let me get this right. This whole foofaraw is about… poontang?

ManchuCandidate November 13, 2012 at 9:06 am

I met a gal she works on the Hill.
She won't do it, but her sister will.
The tube stake boogie woogie

memzilla November 13, 2012 at 9:11 am
thatsitfortheother1 November 13, 2012 at 9:40 am

CAUSE IF MY BABY DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE
I KNOW HERE SISTER WILL!
YEAH

GoodDogThor November 13, 2012 at 9:59 am

<having second thoughts about posting topic appropriate Nugent lyrics>

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 9:28 am

Isn't it always? Helen, Cleopatra, the whole damned story of all history.

Paul Broadwell: The woman that launched a thousand emails.

PsycWench November 13, 2012 at 9:37 am

The 1980's band Bongwater said it best with their title track, "The Power Of Pussy".

I tried to link the video but you have to sign in to watch it and I was too lazy.

WIDTAP November 13, 2012 at 10:25 am

H. L. Mencken said one time, "When you hear somebody say, 'This is not about money' – it's about money." And when you hear somebody say, "This is not about sex" – it's about sex.

Senator Dale Bumpers, January 21, 1999

Ruhe November 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

Double dating with your mistresses? That is hubris.

Dudleydidwrong November 13, 2012 at 9:44 am

In the military that's known as having an "open deployment."

johnnyzhivago November 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

This could be why the military isn't asking for that extra $2 Trillion – they're too busy fucking each other senseless.

Geminisunmars November 13, 2012 at 9:28 am

Maybe it should be encouraged, then.

ManchuCandidate November 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

Considering the Mormoni is strong with the Fehbee guys, I wouldn't be surprised if there is an LDS connection going on.

Fare la Volpe November 13, 2012 at 9:55 am

Some LSD would really make slogging through this story easier.

Troubledog November 13, 2012 at 9:02 am

LOL @ Army groupies. Sad ladies, why not crush on vampires like the other shut-ins?

LibertyLover November 13, 2012 at 9:15 am

Because vampires don't look good in uniform. Duh.

NorthStarSpanx November 13, 2012 at 10:42 am

I'm beginning to rethink the class of women that made up Tiger Woods' brothel

simplyblue7 November 13, 2012 at 9:02 am

Yeah but more importantly, where are the pics?

Mumbletypeg November 13, 2012 at 9:07 am

As a wise man once said on film, a flute without holes is not a flute.
And a scandal with nothing to c is just a sandal.

BaldarTFlagass November 13, 2012 at 9:14 am

Now I want a donut. Or a danish.

BadKitty904 November 13, 2012 at 9:09 am

Ew.

LibertyLover November 13, 2012 at 9:03 am

Isn't Anthony Weiner's weiner involved with this at all?

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:19 am

Not unless that was someone's nickname for a body part.

dennis1943 November 13, 2012 at 9:03 am

And so,the Gingrich epidemic lays waste to the America he loves……….

BaldarTFlagass November 13, 2012 at 9:03 am

It's not a real sex scandal until someone plays the buttsechs card.

schvitzatura November 13, 2012 at 9:04 am

More vivandières and blanchisseuses, less skank ho journos and socialites…

NellCote71 November 13, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Don't forget the boulevardiers.

schvitzatura November 13, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Cherchez la femme/vache ambitieux, n'est-ce pas? And über-entitled military peens…

NellCote71 November 13, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Oggi, siamo tutti ragazzi cattivi.

LibertyLover November 13, 2012 at 9:06 am

Guys. (and gals, also, too):
Seriously, if you ever consider sending an insta-pic of your pecs or your penis (or vajayjay) to some female (or male) person from your phone. Please, Please, Please. For the love of Bob, reconsider. Nothing good can come of it. Trust me on this.

thatsitfortheother1 November 13, 2012 at 9:43 am

In my younger days I worked at a ski area. When a camera turned up in lost and found, at least one of us took one of those photos with it, and turned it back in.

LibertyLover November 13, 2012 at 9:59 am

Freeze frame?

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 9:44 am

I disagree, respectfully. Send away!

EnnuiThereYet? November 13, 2012 at 9:07 am

Somewhere in New York Anthony Wiener silently weeps.

actor212 November 13, 2012 at 10:41 am

Also, Elliot Spitzer, too.

Also.

Just_me_again November 13, 2012 at 9:07 am

This the problem when you have a bunch of straight men in the armed services. I wonder if we could go "All Gay:?

Guppy November 13, 2012 at 9:07 am

“I am in the desert and I have a boner”

Does anybody else see deep, philosophical meaning in this koan?

BadKitty904 November 13, 2012 at 9:12 am

Today, we are all in the desert, etc.

HarryButtle November 13, 2012 at 9:08 am

All because Obama repealed DADT, I suppose.

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:26 am

After seeing this, perhaps they should ban straight men in the military.

BaldarTFlagass November 13, 2012 at 9:09 am

I blame gay marriage.

BadKitty904 November 13, 2012 at 9:17 am
DCBloom November 13, 2012 at 9:55 am

That was fabulous, thanks!

Geminisunmars November 13, 2012 at 10:00 am

How does one apply to get a gay as husband?

BadKitty904 November 13, 2012 at 10:17 am

I think you can request an application form from the Homintern.

Geminisunmars November 13, 2012 at 10:24 am

I'll get right on it, so to speak.

Fare la Volpe November 13, 2012 at 10:10 am

A particularly dense Christian girl planned my imaginary wedding with three different chicks back in my college days. Every one of them agreed I was the best fictional husband ever.

snowpointsecret November 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

It's amazing how they attribute so many powers to just being gay. You'd think we'd rule the world if that was all true.

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:26 am

Shhh!

Fare la Volpe November 13, 2012 at 9:50 am

We already do, dear. We just don't let the breeders know.

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 9:57 am

You'd die out pretty quickly without us, just sayin'.

Fare la Volpe November 13, 2012 at 10:00 am

Nonsense! Our recruitment drives in elementary schools and public bathrooms are going swimmingly!

Tio_Doidinho November 13, 2012 at 10:49 am

Once lesbians figure out how to reproduce using just ovum, we're all fucked. (So to speak)

LeathrTuscadero November 13, 2012 at 9:10 am

I heard Broadwell called Kelly a "prostitute hooah" and then turned over a table. But her weave seems to still be intact so it wasn't all that.

BaldarTFlagass November 13, 2012 at 9:10 am

General Allen is a marine. Semper fidelis, indeed.

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:27 am

Do you know how to do in a Marine? Throw a shovel full of sand against a brick wall and tell him to hit the beach.

weejee November 13, 2012 at 9:38 am

Not semper faciem plenus?

Lizzietish81 November 13, 2012 at 9:45 am

Semper Fellatio?

EatsBabyDingos November 13, 2012 at 9:12 am

"I am in the desert and I have a boner."

Could have been worse: Joke and Jill could have been at a state dinner when John Allen sends a text to Jill from the tapioca pudding bar saying "I'm in the dessert and I have a boner."

freakishlywrong November 13, 2012 at 9:22 am

And "boner"? Really? Fuck the world.

BaldarTFlagass November 13, 2012 at 9:28 am

"I'm in the North African desert with my Korps and I have a bonerhitler."
—Erwin Rommel.

Lot_49 November 13, 2012 at 9:12 am

It's now much easier to see why the automatic defense cuts from "sequestration" would have such a devastating effect on military preparedness: these flag-rank jerkwads wouldn't be able to afford the extra staff who actually do their jobs while generals are off in their tents fapping to their email.

ALIVE! November 13, 2012 at 11:21 pm

We need more like this, people.

We could probably make up the entire 8% just by cutting back a bit on the data plan.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 13, 2012 at 9:13 am

MTV's "The Real World: National Security Edition" coming soon to a theater near you.

luckismine November 13, 2012 at 9:13 am

Apparently CENTCOM was one giant key party.

LibertyLover November 13, 2012 at 9:14 am

Beats the hell out of:
"You hang up first.
No, you.
Okay, let's hang up at the same time.
OK. On three.
1, 2, 3…
You didn't hang up.
Neither did you.
You hang up first.
No, you!"

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera…

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 9:47 am

You replied all!!11!

MacRaith November 13, 2012 at 9:15 am

Look, it's just not a good conspiracy theory unless you can link it to the JFK assassination or the faked moon landings. Come back when you can make a connection to the global Illuminati uber-conspiracy. Then we'll talk. Bonus points if you can work in some genetically modified organisms.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 13, 2012 at 9:16 am

Meh, needz moar crazy lady in a diaper.

Mumbletypeg November 13, 2012 at 9:20 am

That gal really did set a new paradigm, didn't she?

DixvilleCrotch November 13, 2012 at 9:30 am

Didn't diaper lady blame that on her NASA training? I think in space you need to be ok with sitting in a dirty diaper all day, while you spend 12 hours attaching a bolt to the space station or whatever. Or has I a confused on past titillating stories? (Probably…)

BaldarTFlagass November 13, 2012 at 9:33 am

"Join the Astronaut Corps and learn to relax in your own waste!"

Yuengy November 13, 2012 at 11:11 am

That is my gold standard for crazy.

LibertyLover November 13, 2012 at 9:17 am

Kinda gives a whole new meaning to "Army Wives."

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:29 am

You have to feel for them as apparently all of their husbands are off screwing around on them somewhere.

memzilla November 13, 2012 at 9:18 am

Newt Gingrich suing General Petraeus for trademark infringement in 7… 6… 5…

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:29 am

None of the women in this case are dying of cancer, though, so Newtie's crown is still in place.

Lizzietish81 November 13, 2012 at 9:36 am

Well he was talked about it on Fox News or CNBC or one of those news stations

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 9:57 am

John McCain libel!

LibertyLover November 13, 2012 at 9:18 am

Is this what they meant by Dick Armey?

boskolives November 13, 2012 at 9:40 am

Where's Dick Sargent when you need him? Playing with his privates?

PugglesRule November 13, 2012 at 11:13 am

He'll never make (a) lieutenant that way!

Lot_49 November 13, 2012 at 9:18 am

Maybe they were exchanging passages from their favorite translations of Iliad.

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 9:57 am

"Read that Troop Movement Report to me again, Davey."

PugglesRule November 13, 2012 at 11:13 am

Or the Old Testament.

TootsStansbury November 13, 2012 at 9:19 am

FBI Wingnut twit runs to Eric Cantor? Really?

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:30 am

AND he ran to NewsMax, too.

Lizzietish81 November 13, 2012 at 9:35 am

the thing that gets me is that it was so stupid and crazy that Eric Cantor decided not to run with it.

I mean think about it, ERIC CANTOR CHOSE NOT TO EXPLOIT IT.

NorthStarSpanx November 13, 2012 at 10:50 am

Paula set back the female biographers profile, this against the likes of Kitty Kelly. The Tampa lady called herself an Ambassador, brought federal attention to her emails when she was engaged in inappropriate correspondence with a high commanding officer herself. The FBI guy who is in no way associated with the 'investigation,' thought he was the shit, and a patriot.

It's a real sad class of people when it's Eric Cantor who stands above the fray.

BaldarTFlagass November 13, 2012 at 9:20 am

So, is this Lisa Kelley hot?

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 9:31 am

These are the important questions.

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 9:56 am

Via email she's smoking hot.

smellypossum November 13, 2012 at 10:07 am

surgically-enhanced hotness, most likely

so, yeah.

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 10:21 am

I can't believe you haven't already boner-punched the Image Box!

Tequila Mockingbird November 13, 2012 at 11:50 am

Ay, ay, cap'n! In fact, she's the spitting image of Broadwell, which adds another layer of creepy to the shebang.

HistoriCat November 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm

That picture just screams "KRAZEE!!"

Veritas78 November 13, 2012 at 6:42 pm

I can see the plastic surgery from here. She is going to look like a freak in 20 years. That stuff ought to come with a warning label.

PsycWench November 13, 2012 at 9:20 am

How could well-educated and apparently worldly people send incriminating information via email? EMAIL? Especially when the CIA was involved? Did no one learn anything from the hacking of Sarah Palin?

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:32 am

Oh, but they used a trick commonly employed by terrorists. Petraeus and Broadwell didn't send emails to each other, they left them in the draft folder of their joint email account…which she apparently used to threaten the other other woman.

Lizzietish81 November 13, 2012 at 9:33 am

Really that just adds to the stupid

What they can't afford personal phones?

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 10:23 am

That wouldn't help.

Geminisunmars November 13, 2012 at 9:50 am

All this makes me feel less bad about the stupid-ass shit I've done in my life.

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 9:51 am

That's what I was thinking. With the whole CIA at your disposal, call 1800-Flowers, make a hotel reservation, and be done with it.

Beowoof November 13, 2012 at 9:20 am

Who knew that being a General got you so much civilian sexy time. I would have joined. Oh wait, no the Vietnam war was still going on when I would have joined, never mind.

BaldarTFlagass November 13, 2012 at 9:29 am

And you don't get to start out as a General, either.

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2012 at 10:29 am

If only corporations worked like that.

LibertyLover November 13, 2012 at 9:20 am

Where's the blue dress?

weejee November 13, 2012 at 9:39 am

In Lindsey Graham's high security closet.

Botlrokit November 13, 2012 at 9:40 am

Camo. Army man, y'know.

TootsStansbury November 13, 2012 at 9:55 am

Off.

MonkeyMotion November 13, 2012 at 9:21 am

And we're losing the war in Afghanistan? How can that be?

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

Some people aren't fucking around enough.

Jerri November 13, 2012 at 9:21 am

This story needs more Bill Murray, John Candy and Harold Ramis.

BaldarTFlagass November 13, 2012 at 9:22 am

The General done been hoist by his own penard.

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:24 am

"Turns out it’s just that Petraeus’s mistress sent threatening emails to Kelley, who was also sending 30,000 pages of emails back and forth with Allen."

I have a theory that the Kelley and Allen were just fan of really big ASCII drawings of kittens, roses, and Kilroy faces and cc'ed those back and forth to each other several times a day.

PsycWench November 13, 2012 at 9:35 am

I have a theory that somehow all three of them found themselves back in high school.

Terry November 13, 2012 at 10:01 am

Junior high. The notes said "Do you like me? Check Yes or No."

Defeatably_Joe November 13, 2012 at 9:59 am

I swear it's like you are literally reading all the emails I send The Lady.

…do you work for the FBI?

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 9:24 am

Wait, are we running a war or a military orgy, here? I had no idea the military had this many groupies.

BTW, I love how the "patriotic" agent was trying to get this out before the election, 'cause, this totally isn't political, right? lol And to Eric fuckin' Cantor (R – Britney Spears), no less.

mrblifil November 13, 2012 at 10:05 am

Jell-O Shot Butt Slurpers are feeling Petraus' pain right now.

fuflans November 13, 2012 at 12:19 pm

you just KNEW there was a bagger at the bottom of this.

always is.

SpiderCrab November 13, 2012 at 9:24 am

I'll bet those 30,000 pages of emails contain at least one complete Shakespeare play, and maybe even a sonnet or two.

oenspiek November 13, 2012 at 10:22 am

Sorry, not enough monkeys working at it.

CrunchyKnee November 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

Ain't nothing like a good sex scandal to get the villagers and the "godly" 'mericans in a tizzy. IMPEACH!!1111!11one!

jjdaddyo November 13, 2012 at 9:27 am

I'm thinking that FBI agent's next assignment is going to be investigating toxic waste dumps on Federal land in Wyoming.

weejee November 13, 2012 at 9:27 am

Cantor's Wieneresque pictures to Lindsey Graham or GTFO.

Loch_Nessosaur November 13, 2012 at 9:28 am

I'm going to start hanging around MacDill AFB and see if I can haz general.

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 10:26 am

It's a profession as old as War!

not that Dewey November 13, 2012 at 9:28 am

Wasn't Frank Burns a fictional character?

CrunchyKnee November 13, 2012 at 9:30 am

If one puts 1000 monkies with 1000 computers in a room and waits long enough they will produce 30,000 pages of gmail as well, or a weeks worth of Fox "News." Also, too.

Misty Malarky November 13, 2012 at 9:30 am

When do we get to see the 'Shirtless FBI Agent' man tits photo?

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 9:32 am

"Jill Kelley" my ass, I know a Kardashian when I see one!

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 9:35 am

Which one is this? Sleepy, Dopey, Sneezy or Slutty Kardashian?

ManchuCandidate November 13, 2012 at 9:52 am

Slutty Kardashian

All of them, Katie.

BZ1 November 13, 2012 at 9:32 am

You need a program to keep up with all the players (or playahs).

TootsStansbury November 13, 2012 at 9:34 am

We are a silly, silly country.

Terry November 13, 2012 at 9:34 am

Petraeus' ultimate punishment for all this will be two-fold.

1. The Beltway Bandit defense contractors are not likely to hire him after all this, so he's going to be living off his military retirement.

2. His wife is either going to divorce him, take any assets he has and leave him eating hobo beans cold out of a can while standing over the sink in his trailer…or…she'll stay married to him and punish him every single day of the rest of his life.

PugglesRule November 13, 2012 at 11:15 am

I vote for 2B. I know that's what I'd do. But I'd make him eat hobo beans every day, also too.

docterry6973 November 13, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I don't think #1 is a problem at all. The General is going to do just fine at collecting payoffs, I mean fees, from defense contractors.

SorosBot November 13, 2012 at 9:35 am

If someone surrounds himself with nothing but yes-men and -women who spend all their time metaphorically sucking his dick, it shouldn't be too surprising when one starts doing so literally.

corthylio November 13, 2012 at 9:35 am

I just KNEW this was all Cantor's fault. Dumbfuck.

Lizzietish81 November 13, 2012 at 9:37 am

Daily Show last night talked about this, because the biographer was actually on the show a few months ago for an interview. Its hilarious.

PugglesRule November 13, 2012 at 11:16 am

Yes, wearing a dress that looked like she was heading out to walk the streets afterward. And I don't mean to catch a cab.

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 9:39 am

Jill Kelley has hired a "Crisis Consultant." Kerry Washington is cute as hell, but these goddamned "Scandal" tie-ins are getting out of hand!!

NYNYNYjr November 13, 2012 at 9:22 pm

I know one crisis consultant who's going to get laid!!

Botlrokit November 13, 2012 at 9:39 am

I read where he and Broadwell went on a run, when she was interviewing him. They ran leisurely at first, then began to race. Eventually, their pace was that of a six minute mile. By coincidence, he was undergoing treatment for prostate cancer.

And running six-minute miles.

And just retired from the Army.

Holeeee shit, he's a fucking machine.

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2012 at 11:03 am

He operates on three "C" cells and has five speed settings.

malsperanza November 13, 2012 at 9:42 am

"It was [Director of National Intelligence] Clapper who told the White House late Wednesday, with Obama learning about it a day later. A senior administration official defended the decision not to notify the president earlier, saying that staff 'needed to get their arms around' the matter before briefing Obama." ~ http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/

So to speak.

Katydid November 13, 2012 at 9:43 am

Clearly it's the fault of the feminists, who should be home barefoot and pregnant, not writing suck up sexy-named biographies.

PubOption November 13, 2012 at 9:55 am

Note to editors – your hagiographers need to be hags.

ahnc November 13, 2012 at 9:46 am

Generals, keep your privates private. The uniform and all.

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 9:46 am

Why wouldn't Camp Followers make use of the latest technology?

DixvilleCrotch November 13, 2012 at 9:46 am

How many pages of emails is it when you use the 72-point Wingding font?

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 10:01 am

To the Enigma machine!

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 9:48 am

"Wanna see my drone? It can literally go for 24-hours straight, baby."

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 9:49 am

R. Kelly yelled "GODDAMN MOTHERFUCK!!!", closed the NYT app and hurled his iPad across the studio into the mixing board. "Ain't nobody wanna hear my next 20 chapters now!!" Drip. http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2012/10

Mumbletypeg November 13, 2012 at 9:49 am

Someone help me out. What is the movie I'm recognizing that animated .gif/ clip-capture from?
While I'm waiting… At least one other memorable film scene w/ popcorn that I'm surely not alone remembering was a seeming unscripted moment between Faye Dunaway and Marlon Brando in Don Juan DeMarco — I think they were throwing popcorn in each other's mouths, either that or the impromptu feel of the scene made it sexy in a fun way, (or funny in a sexy way).

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 9:50 am

I see why Jill Kelley feared for her safety. Did you see the arms on that Broadwell woman?

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 10:29 am

Michelle could take her.

PugglesRule November 13, 2012 at 11:17 am

Paula vs. Michelle. Push-up contest. NOW.

SkinnyNerd November 13, 2012 at 9:53 am

Today in the military: Generals hunched over computer screens deleting emails left, right, and center.

mrblifil November 13, 2012 at 10:02 am

Nah, apparently everyone over a certain age prints out their emails in order to read the at leisure (while receiving a blow job presumably). So they are probably engaged in all kind of man-on-man shredding activity and will be shocked SHOCKED when some nerd comes along and tells them that just because they trashed their emails they weren't actually deleted.

BadKitty904 November 13, 2012 at 9:53 am

But how is this *Obama's* fault?

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 9:56 am

Something something birth control something something sluts something something should be barefoot and chained to the stove something something black.

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 9:58 am

He was re-elected and the scandal broke. WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW?

Lizzietish81 November 13, 2012 at 9:58 am

BENGHAZI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!eleven!!!!!!!!!!

thatsitfortheother1 November 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

Jill "Fleet's In" Kelley.

SkinnyNerd November 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

Those 20,000 pages better be about something seedy. I sure would be upset if the general was sending her emails on floral arrangements for the galas she was setting up.

shelwood46 November 13, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I have a hunch that big chunks of them were just quoted song lyrics.

NYNYNYjr November 13, 2012 at 9:26 pm

"Jill, I believe I have identified another subspecies of Grey Banded Sand Lizard. Enclosed are photos."

PubOption November 13, 2012 at 9:56 am

50 shades of olive drab?

ahnc November 13, 2012 at 9:59 am

Am I the only one to find it odd that Petraeus, as head of the CIA, never thought to delete his sexytime emails?

actor212 November 13, 2012 at 9:59 am

Tampa Lady’s face looks like it’s carved out of soap

Note to self: Don't do Kelley in the shower

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 10:00 am

Today, we are all decorated generals with premature deployments.

mrblifil November 13, 2012 at 10:00 am

So the FBI is tasked with looking into email correspondence and…prints them out? In about 30 seconds you could run a search and derive the exact number of emails and…oh never mind I give up. The takeaway is: everybody in Government is fucking everybody all the time. And even the hot ones are gross.

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 10:04 am

LOL! MSNBC has a venn diagram of all the players involved. After a bruising election, let's just say that I'm down with complicated sex scandals. Hey, if they are too cheap to give us bread the least they can do is provide us with circus.

This just missed Cocktober by a few weeks. But, we're going deep into Blowvember, so this shouldn't be a problem.

Aridzona November 13, 2012 at 10:06 am

Where have our heroes gone? First, Lance Armstrong, now David Patraeus.

Lance, of course, rode a bike well; David apparently rode a Broadwell.

GoodDogThor November 13, 2012 at 10:07 am

What a bunch of 14 yr olds. First rule of military discipline: Keep it in your pants!

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 10:30 am

And this is the first time in 10,000 years of war that this rule has ever been broken!

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2012 at 10:32 am

I'd be a terrible soldier, then.

CommieDad November 13, 2012 at 10:08 am

Jill Kelley is a real American Hero. Many of us talk about supporting the troops. She takes it a step further and engages with them in meaningful dialogue.

Fuck this Broadwell chick who wants to get in the way of Mrs. Kelley's service.

smellypossum November 13, 2012 at 10:51 am

"Fuck this Broadwell chick who wants to get in the way of Mrs. Kelley's service."

That's the plot summary of a sure-fire hit porn movie. Wait, that's not the summary, that's the whole plot.

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 11:19 am

Dialogue, eh? So that's what the kids are calling it, these days? Yeah, she dialogued with the troops, all right. She dialogued the fuck out of 'em, it sound like.

NYNYNYjr November 13, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Sometimes she supports 2 or 3 troops at once.

kyeshinka November 13, 2012 at 10:10 am

Sounds like one of Stewie's sexy pahhties!

Come here a minute November 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

I can think of many storage media that would preferable to "crates of paper" for transporting emails, but maybe they just wanted to look like they were working.

Defeatably_Joe November 13, 2012 at 10:17 am

Talk about a Love Pentagon.

MrsConclusion November 13, 2012 at 10:26 am

1) Pulitzer Prize for hed and gif.
2) Change "Lisa Kelley" to "Jill Kelley" in graf 6.
3) More!

eudora_cactus November 13, 2012 at 10:27 am

Let me get this straight now: All four people who engaged in sketchy but legal affairs have been outed, and yet the wingnut FBI agent who violated professional ethics (and maybe laws?) by A. starting the questionable investigation in the first place as a favor to his girlfriend/crush, B. continuing it when he was no longer authorized to do so, and C. reporting a confidential investigation to a politician to advance his "worldview", hasn't been named? Do we even know if he's been fired? Never mind, let's keep talking about how slutty/crazy/overly made-up/overly toned/overly boobed the two women are – nothing to see here.

RawhideRawlins November 13, 2012 at 10:28 am

And also, ROVE is somehow involved. According to SLOG.

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2012 at 10:28 am

This widening scandal will eventually take down General Halftrack for his well-documented sexual harassment of Miss Buxley.

PugglesRule November 13, 2012 at 11:18 am

Maybe this was actually a Beetle Bailey RPG?

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Oh, God. The US military is being run by Ender!

elgin_pelican November 13, 2012 at 10:29 am

Fort Bragg 90210

StillGoinGreen November 13, 2012 at 10:31 am

I haz a confused, is all of this good, or bad?

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2012 at 10:33 am

Let's ask John McCain.

TribecaMike November 13, 2012 at 10:54 am

All I know is that it's working wonders for my Alien Hand Syndrome.

StillGoinGreen November 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm

As a radical Librul, I must compartmentalize everything into one of three groups:

1) Feign outrage and mock the teatards
2) feign outrage at how easily the teatards get outraged by "non-events", mock the conservatards
3) Say, "Who gives a shit?" and go back to fapping to my photoshopped pic of Hillz in a fabtastic flag bikini!

On this matter, however, I guess I'm gonna have to phone a friend??!!11!

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 10:34 am

This gives new meaning to the term "mission creep."

TribecaMike November 13, 2012 at 10:44 am

"When morals decline and good men do nothing, hilarity ensues." — J. Edgar Hoover

ttommyunger November 13, 2012 at 10:56 am

Twits, Twats, and Twerps: more Romney sons, you ask? Why, no; our National Headlines today (slaps forehead with palm).

bobbert November 13, 2012 at 11:14 am

Well, I don't know where Callyson is, but I've said this before:

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Designer_Rants November 13, 2012 at 11:24 am

This stellar, upstanding officer also appears to be the one who leaked details of the investigation to… Newsmax, which is a lot like if your house got broken into, and instead of calling the police you write a letter to a homeless guy.

Perfectly put.

TribecaMike November 13, 2012 at 11:26 am

From the Washington Post: "According to a senior U.S. defense official, the FBI has uncovered between 20,000 and 30,000 pages of 'potentially inappropriate' e-mails between Allen and Jill Kelley…"

We got us a couple of David Foster Wallace's here.

HistoriCat November 13, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Too bad that 19,000 to 29,000 pages are
>>>>>> Quoted text in
>>>>>> Replies
>>>>>>

TribecaMike November 13, 2012 at 12:33 pm

In that case, we can rule out anyone getting carpel tunnel.

RaflcaFlkaFlame November 13, 2012 at 11:36 am

If Petraeus was banging Broadwell, Allen was banging Kelley, and the square root of 69 is 8 something….then….

INPEACH OBUMMER!!!!11

emmelemm November 13, 2012 at 8:57 pm

That's math Republicans can understand.

rickmaci November 13, 2012 at 11:57 am

Why can't our modern generals in command of large American forces overseas conduct themselves in a manner that does honor to the way their great and valiant predecessors conducted their lives while overseas, like Eisenhower.

valthemus November 13, 2012 at 12:39 pm

YAWN! Wake me when Allen's evil twin turns out to be Broadwell's father and Joan Collins shouts, "YOU BITCH!!" and starts a slap fight with someone.

lonewolfbear November 13, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Where are the pics? Please? How can I pay tribute to our brave, heroic, patriotic and sexy CIA agents defending damsels in distress without pics? (Hey, what do you expect, I'm a wonkette reader!). … PS: if said CIA agent is ugly, nevermind about the pics.

ffredpalakon November 13, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I know I'm supposed to find this all very exciting, but I feel like I'm watching a Lawrence Kasdan movie in slow motion.

Paula Broadwell? Not bad as a character name for this kind of thing. But the bar has already been set awfully high by Missy Le Hand.

docterry6973 November 13, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Can anyone doubt that Handsome Old Joe, the Big Dog, and our President who is black (need I say more) are deep inside this sex ring? So to speak.

Porter Melmoth November 13, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Leave General Petræus alone!

Naked_Bunny November 13, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Needz moar eye shadow.

fuflans November 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

In case you missed that: The FBI is investigating harassment that’s connected to the director of the CIA having an affair, and one of its officers is stomping around Congress wearing a tin foil hat, telling Eric Cantor about the big conspiracy to keep the Kenyan Marxist in office.

pretty brilliantly sums up america ca. 2012

smellypossum November 13, 2012 at 2:56 pm

This is awesome… "ALL up IN my snatch"
http://americablog.com/2012/11/abc-denver-reporte

NYNYNYjr November 13, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Sometimes I send 30,000 or more inappropriate emails to married Tampa ladies. A penis has many angles it can be photographed from. Also, you can put lots of things in the background. Sand, dead insurgents, tents, rations.

NYNYNYjr November 13, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I like this part: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/13/jill-kel

I have a feeling this side of things gets even better. They also use the phrase "one-woman USO" for her. I want to suggest other metaphors…. "A splay-legged disneyland", "a bed spring-straining liason unit," "a cum-splattered Bob Hope."

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