David Petraeus, Gen. John Allen, And Shirtless FBI Agent Sent Sexy Emails All The Time, To Everyone

Oh man is David Petraeus’ wiener getting people in trouble today.

We already knew about Petraeus, a retired four-star general and (now former) director of the CIA, and how he started up an affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, and how Broadwell then sent a bunch of crazy threatening emails to some lady in Tampa, probably about how Tampa Lady’s face looks like it’s carved out of soap.

We also knew that Petraeus and Broadwell then broke up, ending the first ever documented case of someone in the military community being unfaithful to their spouse. Then, Petraeus sent her “thousands” of emails, because he, apparently, is quite a dork, and somehow not at all busy running the Central Intelligence Agency.

But WOW, is there more.

First of all, the FBI goober who started all this investigating of emails was apparently quite friendly with Tampa Lady, who goes by “Jill Kelley.” Friendly to the point that he for some reason sent her shirtless pictures of himself, à la every creepy guy who has ever done a sit-up (Remember Congressman Chris Lee?!).

But the government professionalism does not stop there, no, that would be quite boring. Today’s New York Times tells us more about the nakey FBI fella who sent a bunch of shirtless selfies to Jill Kelley:

He had no training in cybercrime, was not part of the cyber squad handling the case and was never assigned to the investigation.

But the agent, who was not identified, continued to “nose around” about the case, and eventually his superiors “told him to stay the hell away from it, and he was not invited to briefings,” the official said…

Later, the agent became convinced — incorrectly, the official said — that the case had stalled. Because of his “worldview,” as the official put it, he suspected a politically motivated cover-up to protect President Obama. The agent alerted Eric Cantor, the House majority leader, who called the F.B.I. director, Robert S. Mueller III, on Oct. 31 to tell him of the agent’s concerns.

In case you missed that: The FBI is investigating harassment that’s connected to the director of the CIA having an affair, and one of its officers is stomping around Congress wearing a tin foil hat, telling Eric Cantor about the big conspiracy to keep the Kenyan Marxist in office. This stellar, upstanding officer also appears to be the one who leaked details of the investigation to… Newsmax, which is a lot like if your house got broken into, and instead of calling the police you write a letter to a homeless guy. And also your house was never actually broken into. (We have no evidence he was the guy who leaked to Newsmax except for the hope that there are not two Fibbies stomping around in tinfoil hats.)

But wait! There is STILL more!

From today’s Washington Post, featuring the distractingly badass dateline “ABOARD A U.S. MILITARY AIRCRAFT”:

The FBI probe into the sex scandal that led to the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus has expanded to ensnare Gen. John R. Allen, the commander of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan, the Pentagon announced early Tuesday.

Oh, god. Petraeus was having sex with John Allen too?

According to a senior U.S. defense official, the FBI has uncovered between 20,000 and 30,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Allen and Jill Kelley, a 37-year-old Tampa woman whose close friendship with Petraeus ultimately led to his downfall.

Ok, so not that, at least. Turns out it’s just that Petraeus’s mistress sent threatening emails to Kelley, who was also sending 30,000 pages of emails back and forth with Allen. All the while, Petraeus is sending thousands of emails to Broadwell too, and everybody’s Blackberrys melted.

And now the FBI, somewhere, has crates of emails — crates! — between a second four-star general and a second woman. How many times do you have to write “I am in the desert and I have a boner” to fill up 30,000 pages?

The answer is 2,820,000, if you use 12-point Arial, but that is beside the point. The point is that “pages” is a stupid way to measure emails, and also that the guy currently in charge of almost 70,000 troops in Afghanistan was sex-mailing all the time. Also, that somehow this guy convinced a lady to sex-mail with him at all:

(One can only imagine what kind of saucy emails baggy-faced old men send from the middle of nowhere: “Oh, you are as delicious as apricot marmalade, oh…”)

In any case, the men in charge of protecting our country have reduced Politico to ledes like this one:

Marine Gen. John R. Allen, the four-star U.S. commander of the war in Afghanistan, exchanged thousands of “potentially inappropriate” emails with Jill Kelley, the Tampa woman who claimed to have been harassed by the ex-mistress of former CIA Director David Petraeus.

Oh, and in case you’ve forgotten amidst all the intercourse, we still aren’t going to hear from Petraeus about Benghazi. [NYT/WaPo]

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