invasion of a rack

David Petraeus, Gen. John Allen, And Shirtless FBI Agent Sent Sexy Emails All The Time, To Everyone

We're gonna need more nervous popcorn.Oh man is David Petraeus’ wiener getting people in trouble today.

We already knew about Petraeus, a retired four-star general and (now former) director of the CIA, and how he started up an affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, and how Broadwell then sent a bunch of crazy threatening emails to some lady in Tampa, probably about how Tampa Lady’s face looks like it’s carved out of soap.

We also knew that Petraeus and Broadwell then broke up, ending the first ever documented case of someone in the military community being unfaithful to their spouse. Then, Petraeus sent her “thousands” of emails, because he, apparently, is quite a dork, and somehow not at all busy running the Central Intelligence Agency.

But WOW, is there more.

First of all, the FBI goober who started all this investigating of emails was apparently quite friendly with Tampa Lady, who goes by “Jill Kelley.” Friendly to the point that he for some reason sent her shirtless pictures of himself, à la every creepy guy who has ever done a sit-up (Remember Congressman Chris Lee?!).

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But the government professionalism does not stop there, no, that would be quite boring. Today’s New York Times tells us more about the nakey FBI fella who sent a bunch of shirtless selfies to Jill Kelley:

He had no training in cybercrime, was not part of the cyber squad handling the case and was never assigned to the investigation.

But the agent, who was not identified, continued to “nose around” about the case, and eventually his superiors “told him to stay the hell away from it, and he was not invited to briefings,” the official said…

Later, the agent became convinced — incorrectly, the official said — that the case had stalled. Because of his “worldview,” as the official put it, he suspected a politically motivated cover-up to protect President Obama. The agent alerted Eric Cantor, the House majority leader, who called the F.B.I. director, Robert S. Mueller III, on Oct. 31 to tell him of the agent’s concerns.

In case you missed that: The FBI is investigating harassment that’s connected to the director of the CIA having an affair, and one of its officers is stomping around Congress wearing a tin foil hat, telling Eric Cantor about the big conspiracy to keep the Kenyan Marxist in office. This stellar, upstanding officer also appears to be the one who leaked details of the investigation to… Newsmax, which is a lot like if your house got broken into, and instead of calling the police you write a letter to a homeless guy. And also your house was never actually broken into. (We have no evidence he was the guy who leaked to Newsmax except for the hope that there are not two Fibbies stomping around in tinfoil hats.)

But wait! There is STILL more!

From today’s Washington Post, featuring the distractingly badass dateline “ABOARD A U.S. MILITARY AIRCRAFT”:

The FBI probe into the sex scandal that led to the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus has expanded to ensnare Gen. John R. Allen, the commander of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan, the Pentagon announced early Tuesday.

Oh, god. Petraeus was having sex with John Allen too?

According to a senior U.S. defense official, the FBI has uncovered between 20,000 and 30,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Allen and Jill Kelley, a 37-year-old Tampa woman whose close friendship with Petraeus ultimately led to his downfall.

Ok, so not that, at least. Turns out it’s just that Petraeus’s mistress sent threatening emails to Kelley, who was also sending 30,000 pages of emails back and forth with Allen. All the while, Petraeus is sending thousands of emails to Broadwell too, and everybody’s Blackberrys melted.

And now the FBI, somewhere, has crates of emails — crates! — between a second four-star general and a second woman. How many times do you have to write “I am in the desert and I have a boner” to fill up 30,000 pages?

The answer is 2,820,000, if you use 12-point Arial, but that is beside the point. The point is that “pages” is a stupid way to measure emails, and also that the guy currently in charge of almost 70,000 troops in Afghanistan was sex-mailing all the time. Also, that somehow this guy convinced a lady to sex-mail with him at all:

I know, right?
(One can only imagine what kind of saucy emails baggy-faced old men send from the middle of nowhere: “Oh, you are as delicious as apricot marmalade, oh…”)

In any case, the men in charge of protecting our country have reduced Politico to ledes like this one:

Marine Gen. John R. Allen, the four-star U.S. commander of the war in Afghanistan, exchanged thousands of “potentially inappropriate” emails with Jill Kelley, the Tampa woman who claimed to have been harassed by the ex-mistress of former CIA Director David Petraeus.

Oh, and in case you’ve forgotten amidst all the intercourse, we still aren’t going to hear from Petraeus about Benghazi. [NYT/WaPo]

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289 comments

    1. Terry

      If it took them tens of thousands of pages of email text to do email sexytime, I think they're probably doing it wrong.

    2. memzilla

      Titles? Don't mind if I do!

      "Operation Unchained Poontang"
      "Seal Team Sex"
      "Hoo-ah Ho-ah"
      "Semper Infidelis"

      Did I miss any?

    3. NYNYNYjr

      Yo, Paula Broadwell should write a book about THIS shit. I might buy that book. It needs a color photo section in the middle obviously. "The Cougars of Kabul". ?

    1. Fare la Volpe

      You haven't been up at 1 am watching History of Sex with a one-night stand that repulses you into a tequila bottle.

      …Not that…I would…ah fuck it.

  1. freakishlywrong

    Democrats have a great election and gaining steam? SEX SCANDAL Quick, good news for D's, something shiny, look over there! Also BENGHAZI, too.

    1. Defeatably_Joe

      Because they successfully solved all terrorism, and were just about to get around to dismantling the unprecedented surveillance state we built to combat it, but then this came up. I'm sure.

    2. Terry

      Apparently the FBI didn't want to investigate, but one of their agents wanted to schtupp Miz Kelley and thought his superiors rejecting the case was a clear sign of Nobama interference.

  2. johnnyzhivago

    The made for TV Movie:

    "Get ready for high heeled hi-jinks as a sex crazed General and the wackiest group of officers in the Army team up with the zany dames at Home Base HouseWives HeadQuarters for a WORLD WIDE WEB of FUN!"

  3. memzilla

    This is the best you can do, Faux News and Newshax?

    Your coverage of a couple of years worth of inappropriate f**king in the military is not going to distract us from how you and your Rethuglican cohort have been ratf**king the country for over 30 years.

  4. stopthemovie

    Guess who said "I think it's personally very sad for he and his family," Need a second? Thought not.Callista Gingrich!!!!!!

      1. docterry6973

        Her lawyers sent me an extra-special private email address to use, which has worked out very well so far.

  5. mavenmaven

    The Republicans just want to prove that some of their people really like women, too. Helps, you know, close the women gap.

    1. Negropolis

      Isn't it always? Helen, Cleopatra, the whole damned story of all history.

      Paul Broadwell: The woman that launched a thousand emails.

    2. PsycWench

      The 1980's band Bongwater said it best with their title track, "The Power Of Pussy".

      I tried to link the video but you have to sign in to watch it and I was too lazy.

    3. WIDTAP

      H. L. Mencken said one time, "When you hear somebody say, 'This is not about money' – it's about money." And when you hear somebody say, "This is not about sex" – it's about sex.

      Senator Dale Bumpers, January 21, 1999

  6. LibertyLover

    Guys. (and gals, also, too):
    Seriously, if you ever consider sending an insta-pic of your pecs or your penis (or vajayjay) to some female (or male) person from your phone. Please, Please, Please. For the love of Bob, reconsider. Nothing good can come of it. Trust me on this.

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      In my younger days I worked at a ski area. When a camera turned up in lost and found, at least one of us took one of those photos with it, and turned it back in.

  7. Just_me_again

    This the problem when you have a bunch of straight men in the armed services. I wonder if we could go "All Gay:?

  8. Guppy

    “I am in the desert and I have a boner”

    Does anybody else see deep, philosophical meaning in this koan?

      1. Fare la Volpe

        A particularly dense Christian girl planned my imaginary wedding with three different chicks back in my college days. Every one of them agreed I was the best fictional husband ever.

    1. snowpointsecret

      It's amazing how they attribute so many powers to just being gay. You'd think we'd rule the world if that was all true.

  9. LeathrTuscadero

    I heard Broadwell called Kelly a "prostitute hooah" and then turned over a table. But her weave seems to still be intact so it wasn't all that.

    1. Terry

      Do you know how to do in a Marine? Throw a shovel full of sand against a brick wall and tell him to hit the beach.

  10. EatsBabyDingos

    "I am in the desert and I have a boner."

    Could have been worse: Joke and Jill could have been at a state dinner when John Allen sends a text to Jill from the tapioca pudding bar saying "I'm in the dessert and I have a boner."

  11. Lot_49

    It's now much easier to see why the automatic defense cuts from "sequestration" would have such a devastating effect on military preparedness: these flag-rank jerkwads wouldn't be able to afford the extra staff who actually do their jobs while generals are off in their tents fapping to their email.

    1. ALIVE!

      We need more like this, people.

      We could probably make up the entire 8% just by cutting back a bit on the data plan.

  12. LibertyLover

    Beats the hell out of:
    "You hang up first.
    No, you.
    Okay, let's hang up at the same time.
    OK. On three.
    1, 2, 3…
    You didn't hang up.
    Neither did you.
    You hang up first.
    No, you!"

    et cetera, et cetera, et cetera…

  13. MacRaith

    Look, it's just not a good conspiracy theory unless you can link it to the JFK assassination or the faked moon landings. Come back when you can make a connection to the global Illuminati uber-conspiracy. Then we'll talk. Bonus points if you can work in some genetically modified organisms.

    1. DixvilleCrotch

      Didn't diaper lady blame that on her NASA training? I think in space you need to be ok with sitting in a dirty diaper all day, while you spend 12 hours attaching a bolt to the space station or whatever. Or has I a confused on past titillating stories? (Probably…)

    1. Terry

      You have to feel for them as apparently all of their husbands are off screwing around on them somewhere.

    1. Lizzietish81

      the thing that gets me is that it was so stupid and crazy that Eric Cantor decided not to run with it.

      I mean think about it, ERIC CANTOR CHOSE NOT TO EXPLOIT IT.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Paula set back the female biographers profile, this against the likes of Kitty Kelly. The Tampa lady called herself an Ambassador, brought federal attention to her emails when she was engaged in inappropriate correspondence with a high commanding officer herself. The FBI guy who is in no way associated with the 'investigation,' thought he was the shit, and a patriot.

        It's a real sad class of people when it's Eric Cantor who stands above the fray.

      1. Veritas78

        I can see the plastic surgery from here. She is going to look like a freak in 20 years. That stuff ought to come with a warning label.

  14. PsycWench

    How could well-educated and apparently worldly people send incriminating information via email? EMAIL? Especially when the CIA was involved? Did no one learn anything from the hacking of Sarah Palin?

    1. Terry

      Oh, but they used a trick commonly employed by terrorists. Petraeus and Broadwell didn't send emails to each other, they left them in the draft folder of their joint email account…which she apparently used to threaten the other other woman.

    2. Esteev

      That's what I was thinking. With the whole CIA at your disposal, call 1800-Flowers, make a hotel reservation, and be done with it.

  15. Beowoof

    Who knew that being a General got you so much civilian sexy time. I would have joined. Oh wait, no the Vietnam war was still going on when I would have joined, never mind.

  16. Terry

    "Turns out it’s just that Petraeus’s mistress sent threatening emails to Kelley, who was also sending 30,000 pages of emails back and forth with Allen."

    I have a theory that the Kelley and Allen were just fan of really big ASCII drawings of kittens, roses, and Kilroy faces and cc'ed those back and forth to each other several times a day.

  17. Negropolis

    Wait, are we running a war or a military orgy, here? I had no idea the military had this many groupies.

    BTW, I love how the "patriotic" agent was trying to get this out before the election, 'cause, this totally isn't political, right? lol And to Eric fuckin' Cantor (R – Britney Spears), no less.

  18. SpiderCrab

    I'll bet those 30,000 pages of emails contain at least one complete Shakespeare play, and maybe even a sonnet or two.

  19. CrunchyKnee

    Ain't nothing like a good sex scandal to get the villagers and the "godly" 'mericans in a tizzy. IMPEACH!!1111!11one!

  20. jjdaddyo

    I'm thinking that FBI agent's next assignment is going to be investigating toxic waste dumps on Federal land in Wyoming.

  21. CrunchyKnee

    If one puts 1000 monkies with 1000 computers in a room and waits long enough they will produce 30,000 pages of gmail as well, or a weeks worth of Fox "News." Also, too.

  22. Terry

    Petraeus' ultimate punishment for all this will be two-fold.

    1. The Beltway Bandit defense contractors are not likely to hire him after all this, so he's going to be living off his military retirement.

    2. His wife is either going to divorce him, take any assets he has and leave him eating hobo beans cold out of a can while standing over the sink in his trailer…or…she'll stay married to him and punish him every single day of the rest of his life.

    1. docterry6973

      I don't think #1 is a problem at all. The General is going to do just fine at collecting payoffs, I mean fees, from defense contractors.

  23. SorosBot

    If someone surrounds himself with nothing but yes-men and -women who spend all their time metaphorically sucking his dick, it shouldn't be too surprising when one starts doing so literally.

  24. Lizzietish81

    Daily Show last night talked about this, because the biographer was actually on the show a few months ago for an interview. Its hilarious.

    1. PugglesRule

      Yes, wearing a dress that looked like she was heading out to walk the streets afterward. And I don't mean to catch a cab.

  25. Botlrokit

    I read where he and Broadwell went on a run, when she was interviewing him. They ran leisurely at first, then began to race. Eventually, their pace was that of a six minute mile. By coincidence, he was undergoing treatment for prostate cancer.

    And running six-minute miles.

    And just retired from the Army.

    Holeeee shit, he's a fucking machine.

  26. malsperanza

    "It was [Director of National Intelligence] Clapper who told the White House late Wednesday, with Obama learning about it a day later. A senior administration official defended the decision not to notify the president earlier, saying that staff 'needed to get their arms around' the matter before briefing Obama." ~ http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/

    So to speak.

  27. Katydid

    Clearly it's the fault of the feminists, who should be home barefoot and pregnant, not writing suck up sexy-named biographies.

  28. Mumbletypeg

    Someone help me out. What is the movie I'm recognizing that animated .gif/ clip-capture from?
    While I'm waiting… At least one other memorable film scene w/ popcorn that I'm surely not alone remembering was a seeming unscripted moment between Faye Dunaway and Marlon Brando in Don Juan DeMarco — I think they were throwing popcorn in each other's mouths, either that or the impromptu feel of the scene made it sexy in a fun way, (or funny in a sexy way).

  29. SkinnyNerd

    Today in the military: Generals hunched over computer screens deleting emails left, right, and center.

    1. mrblifil

      Nah, apparently everyone over a certain age prints out their emails in order to read the at leisure (while receiving a blow job presumably). So they are probably engaged in all kind of man-on-man shredding activity and will be shocked SHOCKED when some nerd comes along and tells them that just because they trashed their emails they weren't actually deleted.

    1. Negropolis

      Something something birth control something something sluts something something should be barefoot and chained to the stove something something black.

  30. SkinnyNerd

    Those 20,000 pages better be about something seedy. I sure would be upset if the general was sending her emails on floral arrangements for the galas she was setting up.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      "Jill, I believe I have identified another subspecies of Grey Banded Sand Lizard. Enclosed are photos."

  31. ahnc

    Am I the only one to find it odd that Petraeus, as head of the CIA, never thought to delete his sexytime emails?

  32. mrblifil

    So the FBI is tasked with looking into email correspondence and…prints them out? In about 30 seconds you could run a search and derive the exact number of emails and…oh never mind I give up. The takeaway is: everybody in Government is fucking everybody all the time. And even the hot ones are gross.

  33. Negropolis

    LOL! MSNBC has a venn diagram of all the players involved. After a bruising election, let's just say that I'm down with complicated sex scandals. Hey, if they are too cheap to give us bread the least they can do is provide us with circus.

    This just missed Cocktober by a few weeks. But, we're going deep into Blowvember, so this shouldn't be a problem.

  34. Aridzona

    Where have our heroes gone? First, Lance Armstrong, now David Patraeus.

    Lance, of course, rode a bike well; David apparently rode a Broadwell.

  35. CommieDad

    Jill Kelley is a real American Hero. Many of us talk about supporting the troops. She takes it a step further and engages with them in meaningful dialogue.

    Fuck this Broadwell chick who wants to get in the way of Mrs. Kelley's service.

    1. smellypossum

      "Fuck this Broadwell chick who wants to get in the way of Mrs. Kelley's service."

      That's the plot summary of a sure-fire hit porn movie. Wait, that's not the summary, that's the whole plot.

    2. Negropolis

      Dialogue, eh? So that's what the kids are calling it, these days? Yeah, she dialogued with the troops, all right. She dialogued the fuck out of 'em, it sound like.

  36. Come here a minute

    I can think of many storage media that would preferable to "crates of paper" for transporting emails, but maybe they just wanted to look like they were working.

  37. eudora_cactus

    Let me get this straight now: All four people who engaged in sketchy but legal affairs have been outed, and yet the wingnut FBI agent who violated professional ethics (and maybe laws?) by A. starting the questionable investigation in the first place as a favor to his girlfriend/crush, B. continuing it when he was no longer authorized to do so, and C. reporting a confidential investigation to a politician to advance his "worldview", hasn't been named? Do we even know if he's been fired? Never mind, let's keep talking about how slutty/crazy/overly made-up/overly toned/overly boobed the two women are – nothing to see here.

  38. Naked_Bunny

    This widening scandal will eventually take down General Halftrack for his well-documented sexual harassment of Miss Buxley.

      1. StillGoinGreen

        As a radical Librul, I must compartmentalize everything into one of three groups:

        1) Feign outrage and mock the teatards
        2) feign outrage at how easily the teatards get outraged by "non-events", mock the conservatards
        3) Say, "Who gives a shit?" and go back to fapping to my photoshopped pic of Hillz in a fabtastic flag bikini!

        On this matter, however, I guess I'm gonna have to phone a friend??!!11!

  39. ttommyunger

    Twits, Twats, and Twerps: more Romney sons, you ask? Why, no; our National Headlines today (slaps forehead with palm).

  40. Designer_Rants

    This stellar, upstanding officer also appears to be the one who leaked details of the investigation to… Newsmax, which is a lot like if your house got broken into, and instead of calling the police you write a letter to a homeless guy.

    Perfectly put.

  41. TribecaMike

    From the Washington Post: "According to a senior U.S. defense official, the FBI has uncovered between 20,000 and 30,000 pages of 'potentially inappropriate' e-mails between Allen and Jill Kelley…"

    We got us a couple of David Foster Wallace's here.

  42. RaflcaFlkaFlame

    If Petraeus was banging Broadwell, Allen was banging Kelley, and the square root of 69 is 8 something….then….

    INPEACH OBUMMER!!!!11

  43. rickmaci

    Why can't our modern generals in command of large American forces overseas conduct themselves in a manner that does honor to the way their great and valiant predecessors conducted their lives while overseas, like Eisenhower.

  44. lonewolfbear

    Where are the pics? Please? How can I pay tribute to our brave, heroic, patriotic and sexy CIA agents defending damsels in distress without pics? (Hey, what do you expect, I'm a wonkette reader!). … PS: if said CIA agent is ugly, nevermind about the pics.

  45. ffredpalakon

    I know I'm supposed to find this all very exciting, but I feel like I'm watching a Lawrence Kasdan movie in slow motion.

    Paula Broadwell? Not bad as a character name for this kind of thing. But the bar has already been set awfully high by Missy Le Hand.

  46. docterry6973

    Can anyone doubt that Handsome Old Joe, the Big Dog, and our President who is black (need I say more) are deep inside this sex ring? So to speak.

  47. fuflans

    In case you missed that: The FBI is investigating harassment that’s connected to the director of the CIA having an affair, and one of its officers is stomping around Congress wearing a tin foil hat, telling Eric Cantor about the big conspiracy to keep the Kenyan Marxist in office.

    pretty brilliantly sums up america ca. 2012

  48. NYNYNYjr

    Sometimes I send 30,000 or more inappropriate emails to married Tampa ladies. A penis has many angles it can be photographed from. Also, you can put lots of things in the background. Sand, dead insurgents, tents, rations.

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