We're gonna need more nervous popcorn.Oh man is David Petraeus’ wiener getting people in trouble today.

We already knew about Petraeus, a retired four-star general and (now former) director of the CIA, and how he started up an affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, and how Broadwell then sent a bunch of crazy threatening emails to some lady in Tampa, probably about how Tampa Lady’s face looks like it’s carved out of soap.

We also knew that Petraeus and Broadwell then broke up, ending the first ever documented case of someone in the military community being unfaithful to their spouse. Then, Petraeus sent her “thousands” of emails, because he, apparently, is quite a dork, and somehow not at all busy running the Central Intelligence Agency.

But WOW, is there more.

First of all, the FBI goober who started all this investigating of emails was apparently quite friendly with Tampa Lady, who goes by “Jill Kelley.” Friendly to the point that he for some reason sent her shirtless pictures of himself, à la every creepy guy who has ever done a sit-up (Remember Congressman Chris Lee?!).

But the government professionalism does not stop there, no, that would be quite boring. Today’s New York Times tells us more about the nakey FBI fella who sent a bunch of shirtless selfies to Jill Kelley:

He had no training in cybercrime, was not part of the cyber squad handling the case and was never assigned to the investigation.

But the agent, who was not identified, continued to “nose around” about the case, and eventually his superiors “told him to stay the hell away from it, and he was not invited to briefings,” the official said…

Later, the agent became convinced — incorrectly, the official said — that the case had stalled. Because of his “worldview,” as the official put it, he suspected a politically motivated cover-up to protect President Obama. The agent alerted Eric Cantor, the House majority leader, who called the F.B.I. director, Robert S. Mueller III, on Oct. 31 to tell him of the agent’s concerns.

In case you missed that: The FBI is investigating harassment that’s connected to the director of the CIA having an affair, and one of its officers is stomping around Congress wearing a tin foil hat, telling Eric Cantor about the big conspiracy to keep the Kenyan Marxist in office. This stellar, upstanding officer also appears to be the one who leaked details of the investigation to… Newsmax, which is a lot like if your house got broken into, and instead of calling the police you write a letter to a homeless guy. And also your house was never actually broken into. (We have no evidence he was the guy who leaked to Newsmax except for the hope that there are not two Fibbies stomping around in tinfoil hats.)

But wait! There is STILL more!

From today’s Washington Post, featuring the distractingly badass dateline “ABOARD A U.S. MILITARY AIRCRAFT”:

The FBI probe into the sex scandal that led to the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus has expanded to ensnare Gen. John R. Allen, the commander of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan, the Pentagon announced early Tuesday.

Oh, god. Petraeus was having sex with John Allen too?

According to a senior U.S. defense official, the FBI has uncovered between 20,000 and 30,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Allen and Jill Kelley, a 37-year-old Tampa woman whose close friendship with Petraeus ultimately led to his downfall.

Ok, so not that, at least. Turns out it’s just that Petraeus’s mistress sent threatening emails to Kelley, who was also sending 30,000 pages of emails back and forth with Allen. All the while, Petraeus is sending thousands of emails to Broadwell too, and everybody’s Blackberrys melted.

And now the FBI, somewhere, has crates of emails — crates! — between a second four-star general and a second woman. How many times do you have to write “I am in the desert and I have a boner” to fill up 30,000 pages?

The answer is 2,820,000, if you use 12-point Arial, but that is beside the point. The point is that “pages” is a stupid way to measure emails, and also that the guy currently in charge of almost 70,000 troops in Afghanistan was sex-mailing all the time. Also, that somehow this guy convinced a lady to sex-mail with him at all:

I know, right?
(One can only imagine what kind of saucy emails baggy-faced old men send from the middle of nowhere: “Oh, you are as delicious as apricot marmalade, oh…”)

In any case, the men in charge of protecting our country have reduced Politico to ledes like this one:

Marine Gen. John R. Allen, the four-star U.S. commander of the war in Afghanistan, exchanged thousands of “potentially inappropriate” emails with Jill Kelley, the Tampa woman who claimed to have been harassed by the ex-mistress of former CIA Director David Petraeus.

Oh, and in case you’ve forgotten amidst all the intercourse, we still aren’t going to hear from Petraeus about Benghazi. [NYT/WaPo]

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if you’re really excited, Rich Abdill is on Facebook and Twitter too.

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  • Horny old generals and slutty cougars —->> this script has potential!

    • Terry

      If it took them tens of thousands of pages of email text to do email sexytime, I think they're probably doing it wrong.

    • memzilla

      Titles? Don't mind if I do!

      "Operation Unchained Poontang"
      "Seal Team Sex"
      "Hoo-ah Ho-ah"
      "Semper Infidelis"

      Did I miss any?

      • thatsitfortheother1

        "Operation (See My) Anaconda"

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "This One's for Fighting, This One's for Fun."

      • Fort Fornication

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Cougary cougars cougar.

    • Clearly you never watched "Army Wives" on Oxygen or some such.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      'Dancing with the Four-Stars"

    • RaflcaFlkaFlame

      Real Housewives of the Pentagon?

    • NYNYNYjr

      Yo, Paula Broadwell should write a book about THIS shit. I might buy that book. It needs a color photo section in the middle obviously. "The Cougars of Kabul". ?

  • Beetagger

    This is like trying to jerk off to the History Channel.

    • RomneysLogCabin

      This comment has my mushroom stamp of approval.

    • To "Ancient Aliens," more specifically.


        thereby lending yet another entendre to the term "FBI Probe"

    • Negropolis

      I remember when the History Channel was still the Hitler Channel.

      • I thought Fox News was the "Hitler Channel."

      • Now we have the Military Channel, and the Pawn Stars Channel.

        And Honey Boo Boo.

        • Pawn Stars is really a sneaky history program. I love it. Last night, they showed the Sturgis rally with a side trip to Mt Rushmore.

    • Fare la Volpe

      You haven't been up at 1 am watching History of Sex with a one-night stand that repulses you into a tequila bottle.

      …Not that…I would…ah fuck it.

      • It must be awfully tight, being repulsed into a tequila bottle…

    • Well, there was that two hour special on the bikini…

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Growin it up. And waxin' it down…

    • Yellerdawg

      And here I thought I was the only one!

    • GuidanceRo_Man

      You mean hawt?

  • freakishlywrong

    Democrats have a great election and gaining steam? SEX SCANDAL Quick, good news for D's, something shiny, look over there! Also BENGHAZI, too.

  • AlterNewt

    Burkas. That's the solution.

  • freakishlywrong

    Why is the FBI investigating what amounts to and Archie/Betty/Veronica love triangle?

    • Because they successfully solved all terrorism, and were just about to get around to dismantling the unprecedented surveillance state we built to combat it, but then this came up. I'm sure.

    • Terry

      Apparently the FBI didn't want to investigate, but one of their agents wanted to schtupp Miz Kelley and thought his superiors rejecting the case was a clear sign of Nobama interference.

      • Geminisunmars

        Finally — a concise and understandable explanation. Now we can all move on. Thank you.

      • Schtupp blocking is now a federal offence?

    • Negropolis

      Because they thought the general's email account/computer had been compromised.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Because the FBI is full of Jugheads.

  • What's a "sit-up"?

    • Terry

      It's what we do on the sofa before we "get up" and head to the kitchen for a refill.

    • I think it's like a "because shut up, that's why" but on a barstool.

  • I don't know if anyone's mentioned this yet, but Paula Broadwell would be a great name for a Bond girl.

    • EnnuiThereYet?

      And Paul Broadstance is the name that Larry Craig should've given to that cop.

    • MARCdMan

      Her Bond name would be something like Felicity Broadchest

    • How about Paula Galore?

    • Negropolis

      Ooo…ooo…let me try!

      Imogen Sugarwalls

      Constance Hardcastle

      Gretchen Applebottom

      • Fare la Volpe

        Vermin Supreme! Wait…

    • MiniMencken

      Maybe Paula Spreadwell. The gold standard, after all, is Pussy Galore.

  • BadKitty904

    Your Tax Dollars at Work

    • Esteev

      Your Tax Dollars at Fap

    • Fare la Volpe

      Our money is right where it belongs — in some lady's thong.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        No wonder Mitt thought it beneath him to pay taxes, it'd fund all this bad sexytime.

  • freakishlywrong

    "Gif" being the word of the year or whatever, THAT .gif is the win of the day.

  • The made for TV Movie:

    "Get ready for high heeled hi-jinks as a sex crazed General and the wackiest group of officers in the Army team up with the zany dames at Home Base HouseWives HeadQuarters for a WORLD WIDE WEB of FUN!"

    • BadKitty904

      It's funny because it's true!

  • memzilla

    This is the best you can do, Faux News and Newshax?

    Your coverage of a couple of years worth of inappropriate f**king in the military is not going to distract us from how you and your Rethuglican cohort have been ratf**king the country for over 30 years.

    • Especially considering their vaunted military base is the officer corps.

    • CrunchyKnee

      Rupert Murdoch: Sounds like a challenge to me, mate.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Inappropriate REPUBLICAN f**king, at that.

  • stopthemovie

    Guess who said "I think it's personally very sad for he and his family," Need a second? Thought not.Callista Gingrich!!!!!!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Callista had three majors in college: sluttiness, stupidity, and English.

  • snowpointsecret

    David Patraeus, you are NOT the father!

  • It seems that Washington DC is Beverly Hills 90210 for olds.*

    *I dunno why the NYT and the US Amercia public would be shocked.

    • Terry

      That base in Tampa more so than DC.

  • docterry6973

    I send 500 emails a day to Angelina Jolie. I don't see the problem here.

    • LibertyLover

      Angelina doesn't either, as long as you abide by that restraining order…

      • docterry6973

        Her lawyers sent me an extra-special private email address to use, which has worked out very well so far.

  • mavenmaven

    The Republicans just want to prove that some of their people really like women, too. Helps, you know, close the women gap.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, let me get this right. This whole foofaraw is about… poontang?

    • I met a gal she works on the Hill.
      She won't do it, but her sister will.
      The tube stake boogie woogie

    • Negropolis

      Isn't it always? Helen, Cleopatra, the whole damned story of all history.

      Paul Broadwell: The woman that launched a thousand emails.

    • PsycWench

      The 1980's band Bongwater said it best with their title track, "The Power Of Pussy".

      I tried to link the video but you have to sign in to watch it and I was too lazy.

    • WIDTAP

      H. L. Mencken said one time, "When you hear somebody say, 'This is not about money' – it's about money." And when you hear somebody say, "This is not about sex" – it's about sex.

      Senator Dale Bumpers, January 21, 1999

  • Ruhe

    Double dating with your mistresses? That is hubris.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      In the military that's known as having an "open deployment."

  • This could be why the military isn't asking for that extra $2 Trillion – they're too busy fucking each other senseless.

    • Geminisunmars

      Maybe it should be encouraged, then.

  • Considering the Mormoni is strong with the Fehbee guys, I wouldn't be surprised if there is an LDS connection going on.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Some LSD would really make slogging through this story easier.

  • Troubledog

    LOL @ Army groupies. Sad ladies, why not crush on vampires like the other shut-ins?

    • LibertyLover

      Because vampires don't look good in uniform. Duh.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        I'm beginning to rethink the class of women that made up Tiger Woods' brothel

  • Yeah but more importantly, where are the pics?

    • As a wise man once said on film, a flute without holes is not a flute.
      And a scandal with nothing to c is just a sandal.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Now I want a donut. Or a danish.

    • BadKitty904


  • LibertyLover

    Isn't Anthony Weiner's weiner involved with this at all?

    • Terry

      Not unless that was someone's nickname for a body part.

  • dennis1943

    And so,the Gingrich epidemic lays waste to the America he loves……….

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It's not a real sex scandal until someone plays the buttsechs card.

  • schvitzatura

    More vivandières and blanchisseuses, less skank ho journos and socialites…

    • NellCote71

      Don't forget the boulevardiers.

      • schvitzatura

        Cherchez la femme/vache ambitieux, n'est-ce pas? And über-entitled military peens…

        • NellCote71

          Oggi, siamo tutti ragazzi cattivi.

  • LibertyLover

    Guys. (and gals, also, too):
    Seriously, if you ever consider sending an insta-pic of your pecs or your penis (or vajayjay) to some female (or male) person from your phone. Please, Please, Please. For the love of Bob, reconsider. Nothing good can come of it. Trust me on this.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      In my younger days I worked at a ski area. When a camera turned up in lost and found, at least one of us took one of those photos with it, and turned it back in.

      • LibertyLover

        Freeze frame?

    • Esteev

      I disagree, respectfully. Send away!

  • EnnuiThereYet?

    Somewhere in New York Anthony Wiener silently weeps.

    • Also, Elliot Spitzer, too.


  • Just_me_again

    This the problem when you have a bunch of straight men in the armed services. I wonder if we could go "All Gay:?

  • Guppy

    “I am in the desert and I have a boner”

    Does anybody else see deep, philosophical meaning in this koan?

    • BadKitty904

      Today, we are all in the desert, etc.

  • HarryButtle

    All because Obama repealed DADT, I suppose.

    • Terry

      After seeing this, perhaps they should ban straight men in the military.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I blame gay marriage.

    • BadKitty904
      • DCBloom

        That was fabulous, thanks!

      • Geminisunmars

        How does one apply to get a gay as husband?

        • BadKitty904

          I think you can request an application form from the Homintern.

          • Geminisunmars

            I'll get right on it, so to speak.

      • Fare la Volpe

        A particularly dense Christian girl planned my imaginary wedding with three different chicks back in my college days. Every one of them agreed I was the best fictional husband ever.

    • snowpointsecret

      It's amazing how they attribute so many powers to just being gay. You'd think we'd rule the world if that was all true.

      • Terry


      • Fare la Volpe

        We already do, dear. We just don't let the breeders know.

        • You'd die out pretty quickly without us, just sayin'.

          • Fare la Volpe

            Nonsense! Our recruitment drives in elementary schools and public bathrooms are going swimmingly!

          • Tio_Doidinho

            Once lesbians figure out how to reproduce using just ovum, we're all fucked. (So to speak)

  • LeathrTuscadero

    I heard Broadwell called Kelly a "prostitute hooah" and then turned over a table. But her weave seems to still be intact so it wasn't all that.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    General Allen is a marine. Semper fidelis, indeed.

    • Terry

      Do you know how to do in a Marine? Throw a shovel full of sand against a brick wall and tell him to hit the beach.

    • Not semper faciem plenus?

    • Lizzietish81

      Semper Fellatio?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "I am in the desert and I have a boner."

    Could have been worse: Joke and Jill could have been at a state dinner when John Allen sends a text to Jill from the tapioca pudding bar saying "I'm in the dessert and I have a boner."

    • freakishlywrong

      And "boner"? Really? Fuck the world.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "I'm in the North African desert with my Korps and I have a bonerhitler."
      —Erwin Rommel.

  • Lot_49

    It's now much easier to see why the automatic defense cuts from "sequestration" would have such a devastating effect on military preparedness: these flag-rank jerkwads wouldn't be able to afford the extra staff who actually do their jobs while generals are off in their tents fapping to their email.

    • ALIVE!

      We need more like this, people.

      We could probably make up the entire 8% just by cutting back a bit on the data plan.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    MTV's "The Real World: National Security Edition" coming soon to a theater near you.

  • luckismine

    Apparently CENTCOM was one giant key party.

  • LibertyLover

    Beats the hell out of:
    "You hang up first.
    No, you.
    Okay, let's hang up at the same time.
    OK. On three.
    1, 2, 3…
    You didn't hang up.
    Neither did you.
    You hang up first.
    No, you!"

    et cetera, et cetera, et cetera…

    • Esteev

      You replied all!!11!

  • MacRaith

    Look, it's just not a good conspiracy theory unless you can link it to the JFK assassination or the faked moon landings. Come back when you can make a connection to the global Illuminati uber-conspiracy. Then we'll talk. Bonus points if you can work in some genetically modified organisms.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Meh, needz moar crazy lady in a diaper.

    • That gal really did set a new paradigm, didn't she?

    • DixvilleCrotch

      Didn't diaper lady blame that on her NASA training? I think in space you need to be ok with sitting in a dirty diaper all day, while you spend 12 hours attaching a bolt to the space station or whatever. Or has I a confused on past titillating stories? (Probably…)

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "Join the Astronaut Corps and learn to relax in your own waste!"

    • Yuengy

      That is my gold standard for crazy.

  • LibertyLover

    Kinda gives a whole new meaning to "Army Wives."

    • Terry

      You have to feel for them as apparently all of their husbands are off screwing around on them somewhere.

  • memzilla

    Newt Gingrich suing General Petraeus for trademark infringement in 7… 6… 5…

    • Terry

      None of the women in this case are dying of cancer, though, so Newtie's crown is still in place.

    • Lizzietish81

      Well he was talked about it on Fox News or CNBC or one of those news stations

    • Esteev

      John McCain libel!

  • LibertyLover

    Is this what they meant by Dick Armey?

    • Where's Dick Sargent when you need him? Playing with his privates?

      • PugglesRule

        He'll never make (a) lieutenant that way!

  • Lot_49

    Maybe they were exchanging passages from their favorite translations of Iliad.

    • Esteev

      "Read that Troop Movement Report to me again, Davey."

    • PugglesRule

      Or the Old Testament.

  • TootsStansbury

    FBI Wingnut twit runs to Eric Cantor? Really?

    • Terry

      AND he ran to NewsMax, too.

    • Lizzietish81

      the thing that gets me is that it was so stupid and crazy that Eric Cantor decided not to run with it.

      I mean think about it, ERIC CANTOR CHOSE NOT TO EXPLOIT IT.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        Paula set back the female biographers profile, this against the likes of Kitty Kelly. The Tampa lady called herself an Ambassador, brought federal attention to her emails when she was engaged in inappropriate correspondence with a high commanding officer herself. The FBI guy who is in no way associated with the 'investigation,' thought he was the shit, and a patriot.

        It's a real sad class of people when it's Eric Cantor who stands above the fray.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, is this Lisa Kelley hot?

    • Negropolis

      These are the important questions.

    • Esteev

      Via email she's smoking hot.

    • smellypossum

      surgically-enhanced hotness, most likely

      so, yeah.

    • I can't believe you haven't already boner-punched the Image Box!

    • Tequila Mockingbird

      Ay, ay, cap'n! In fact, she's the spitting image of Broadwell, which adds another layer of creepy to the shebang.

      • HistoriCat

        That picture just screams "KRAZEE!!"

      • Veritas78

        I can see the plastic surgery from here. She is going to look like a freak in 20 years. That stuff ought to come with a warning label.

  • PsycWench

    How could well-educated and apparently worldly people send incriminating information via email? EMAIL? Especially when the CIA was involved? Did no one learn anything from the hacking of Sarah Palin?

    • Terry

      Oh, but they used a trick commonly employed by terrorists. Petraeus and Broadwell didn't send emails to each other, they left them in the draft folder of their joint email account…which she apparently used to threaten the other other woman.

      • Lizzietish81

        Really that just adds to the stupid

        What they can't afford personal phones?

      • Geminisunmars

        All this makes me feel less bad about the stupid-ass shit I've done in my life.

    • Esteev

      That's what I was thinking. With the whole CIA at your disposal, call 1800-Flowers, make a hotel reservation, and be done with it.

  • Beowoof

    Who knew that being a General got you so much civilian sexy time. I would have joined. Oh wait, no the Vietnam war was still going on when I would have joined, never mind.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And you don't get to start out as a General, either.

      • Naked_Bunny

        If only corporations worked like that.

  • LibertyLover

    Where's the blue dress?

    • In Lindsey Graham's high security closet.

    • Botlrokit

      Camo. Army man, y'know.

    • TootsStansbury


  • MonkeyMotion

    And we're losing the war in Afghanistan? How can that be?

    • Esteev

      Some people aren't fucking around enough.

  • Jerri

    This story needs more Bill Murray, John Candy and Harold Ramis.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The General done been hoist by his own penard.

  • Terry

    "Turns out it’s just that Petraeus’s mistress sent threatening emails to Kelley, who was also sending 30,000 pages of emails back and forth with Allen."

    I have a theory that the Kelley and Allen were just fan of really big ASCII drawings of kittens, roses, and Kilroy faces and cc'ed those back and forth to each other several times a day.

    • PsycWench

      I have a theory that somehow all three of them found themselves back in high school.

      • Terry

        Junior high. The notes said "Do you like me? Check Yes or No."

    • I swear it's like you are literally reading all the emails I send The Lady.

      …do you work for the FBI?

  • Negropolis

    Wait, are we running a war or a military orgy, here? I had no idea the military had this many groupies.

    BTW, I love how the "patriotic" agent was trying to get this out before the election, 'cause, this totally isn't political, right? lol And to Eric fuckin' Cantor (R – Britney Spears), no less.

    • Jell-O Shot Butt Slurpers are feeling Petraus' pain right now.

    • you just KNEW there was a bagger at the bottom of this.

      always is.

  • SpiderCrab

    I'll bet those 30,000 pages of emails contain at least one complete Shakespeare play, and maybe even a sonnet or two.

    • oenspiek

      Sorry, not enough monkeys working at it.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Ain't nothing like a good sex scandal to get the villagers and the "godly" 'mericans in a tizzy. IMPEACH!!1111!11one!

  • jjdaddyo

    I'm thinking that FBI agent's next assignment is going to be investigating toxic waste dumps on Federal land in Wyoming.

  • Cantor's Wieneresque pictures to Lindsey Graham or GTFO.

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    I'm going to start hanging around MacDill AFB and see if I can haz general.

  • not that Dewey

    Wasn't Frank Burns a fictional character?

  • CrunchyKnee

    If one puts 1000 monkies with 1000 computers in a room and waits long enough they will produce 30,000 pages of gmail as well, or a weeks worth of Fox "News." Also, too.

  • Misty Malarky

    When do we get to see the 'Shirtless FBI Agent' man tits photo?

  • "Jill Kelley" my ass, I know a Kardashian when I see one!

    • Negropolis

      Which one is this? Sleepy, Dopey, Sneezy or Slutty Kardashian?

  • BZ1

    You need a program to keep up with all the players (or playahs).

  • TootsStansbury

    We are a silly, silly country.

  • Terry

    Petraeus' ultimate punishment for all this will be two-fold.

    1. The Beltway Bandit defense contractors are not likely to hire him after all this, so he's going to be living off his military retirement.

    2. His wife is either going to divorce him, take any assets he has and leave him eating hobo beans cold out of a can while standing over the sink in his trailer…or…she'll stay married to him and punish him every single day of the rest of his life.

    • PugglesRule

      I vote for 2B. I know that's what I'd do. But I'd make him eat hobo beans every day, also too.

    • docterry6973

      I don't think #1 is a problem at all. The General is going to do just fine at collecting payoffs, I mean fees, from defense contractors.

  • SorosBot

    If someone surrounds himself with nothing but yes-men and -women who spend all their time metaphorically sucking his dick, it shouldn't be too surprising when one starts doing so literally.

  • corthylio

    I just KNEW this was all Cantor's fault. Dumbfuck.

  • Lizzietish81

    Daily Show last night talked about this, because the biographer was actually on the show a few months ago for an interview. Its hilarious.

    • PugglesRule

      Yes, wearing a dress that looked like she was heading out to walk the streets afterward. And I don't mean to catch a cab.

  • Jill Kelley has hired a "Crisis Consultant." Kerry Washington is cute as hell, but these goddamned "Scandal" tie-ins are getting out of hand!!

    • NYNYNYjr

      I know one crisis consultant who's going to get laid!!

  • Botlrokit

    I read where he and Broadwell went on a run, when she was interviewing him. They ran leisurely at first, then began to race. Eventually, their pace was that of a six minute mile. By coincidence, he was undergoing treatment for prostate cancer.

    And running six-minute miles.

    And just retired from the Army.

    Holeeee shit, he's a fucking machine.

    • Naked_Bunny

      He operates on three "C" cells and has five speed settings.

  • malsperanza

    "It was [Director of National Intelligence] Clapper who told the White House late Wednesday, with Obama learning about it a day later. A senior administration official defended the decision not to notify the president earlier, saying that staff 'needed to get their arms around' the matter before briefing Obama." ~

    So to speak.

  • Katydid

    Clearly it's the fault of the feminists, who should be home barefoot and pregnant, not writing suck up sexy-named biographies.

    • PubOption

      Note to editors – your hagiographers need to be hags.

  • ahnc

    Generals, keep your privates private. The uniform and all.

  • Why wouldn't Camp Followers make use of the latest technology?

  • DixvilleCrotch

    How many pages of emails is it when you use the 72-point Wingding font?

    • Esteev

      To the Enigma machine!

  • Esteev

    "Wanna see my drone? It can literally go for 24-hours straight, baby."

  • R. Kelly yelled "GODDAMN MOTHERFUCK!!!", closed the NYT app and hurled his iPad across the studio into the mixing board. "Ain't nobody wanna hear my next 20 chapters now!!" Drip.

  • Someone help me out. What is the movie I'm recognizing that animated .gif/ clip-capture from?
    While I'm waiting… At least one other memorable film scene w/ popcorn that I'm surely not alone remembering was a seeming unscripted moment between Faye Dunaway and Marlon Brando in Don Juan DeMarco — I think they were throwing popcorn in each other's mouths, either that or the impromptu feel of the scene made it sexy in a fun way, (or funny in a sexy way).

  • Negropolis

    I see why Jill Kelley feared for her safety. Did you see the arms on that Broadwell woman?

    • Michelle could take her.

      • PugglesRule

        Paula vs. Michelle. Push-up contest. NOW.

  • SkinnyNerd

    Today in the military: Generals hunched over computer screens deleting emails left, right, and center.

    • Nah, apparently everyone over a certain age prints out their emails in order to read the at leisure (while receiving a blow job presumably). So they are probably engaged in all kind of man-on-man shredding activity and will be shocked SHOCKED when some nerd comes along and tells them that just because they trashed their emails they weren't actually deleted.

  • BadKitty904

    But how is this *Obama's* fault?

    • Negropolis

      Something something birth control something something sluts something something should be barefoot and chained to the stove something something black.

    • Esteev

      He was re-elected and the scandal broke. WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW?

    • Lizzietish81


  • thatsitfortheother1

    Jill "Fleet's In" Kelley.

  • SkinnyNerd

    Those 20,000 pages better be about something seedy. I sure would be upset if the general was sending her emails on floral arrangements for the galas she was setting up.

    • shelwood46

      I have a hunch that big chunks of them were just quoted song lyrics.

    • NYNYNYjr

      "Jill, I believe I have identified another subspecies of Grey Banded Sand Lizard. Enclosed are photos."

  • PubOption

    50 shades of olive drab?

  • ahnc

    Am I the only one to find it odd that Petraeus, as head of the CIA, never thought to delete his sexytime emails?

  • Tampa Lady’s face looks like it’s carved out of soap

    Note to self: Don't do Kelley in the shower

  • Negropolis

    Today, we are all decorated generals with premature deployments.

  • So the FBI is tasked with looking into email correspondence and…prints them out? In about 30 seconds you could run a search and derive the exact number of emails and…oh never mind I give up. The takeaway is: everybody in Government is fucking everybody all the time. And even the hot ones are gross.

  • Negropolis

    LOL! MSNBC has a venn diagram of all the players involved. After a bruising election, let's just say that I'm down with complicated sex scandals. Hey, if they are too cheap to give us bread the least they can do is provide us with circus.

    This just missed Cocktober by a few weeks. But, we're going deep into Blowvember, so this shouldn't be a problem.

  • Aridzona

    Where have our heroes gone? First, Lance Armstrong, now David Patraeus.

    Lance, of course, rode a bike well; David apparently rode a Broadwell.

  • GoodDogThor

    What a bunch of 14 yr olds. First rule of military discipline: Keep it in your pants!

    • And this is the first time in 10,000 years of war that this rule has ever been broken!

    • Naked_Bunny

      I'd be a terrible soldier, then.

  • CommieDad

    Jill Kelley is a real American Hero. Many of us talk about supporting the troops. She takes it a step further and engages with them in meaningful dialogue.

    Fuck this Broadwell chick who wants to get in the way of Mrs. Kelley's service.

    • smellypossum

      "Fuck this Broadwell chick who wants to get in the way of Mrs. Kelley's service."

      That's the plot summary of a sure-fire hit porn movie. Wait, that's not the summary, that's the whole plot.

    • Negropolis

      Dialogue, eh? So that's what the kids are calling it, these days? Yeah, she dialogued with the troops, all right. She dialogued the fuck out of 'em, it sound like.

    • NYNYNYjr

      Sometimes she supports 2 or 3 troops at once.

  • kyeshinka

    Sounds like one of Stewie's sexy pahhties!

  • Come here a minute

    I can think of many storage media that would preferable to "crates of paper" for transporting emails, but maybe they just wanted to look like they were working.

  • Talk about a Love Pentagon.

  • MrsConclusion

    1) Pulitzer Prize for hed and gif.
    2) Change "Lisa Kelley" to "Jill Kelley" in graf 6.
    3) More!

  • eudora_cactus

    Let me get this straight now: All four people who engaged in sketchy but legal affairs have been outed, and yet the wingnut FBI agent who violated professional ethics (and maybe laws?) by A. starting the questionable investigation in the first place as a favor to his girlfriend/crush, B. continuing it when he was no longer authorized to do so, and C. reporting a confidential investigation to a politician to advance his "worldview", hasn't been named? Do we even know if he's been fired? Never mind, let's keep talking about how slutty/crazy/overly made-up/overly toned/overly boobed the two women are – nothing to see here.

  • RawhideRawlins

    And also, ROVE is somehow involved. According to SLOG.

  • Naked_Bunny

    This widening scandal will eventually take down General Halftrack for his well-documented sexual harassment of Miss Buxley.

    • PugglesRule

      Maybe this was actually a Beetle Bailey RPG?

      • Naked_Bunny

        Oh, God. The US military is being run by Ender!

  • elgin_pelican

    Fort Bragg 90210

  • StillGoinGreen

    I haz a confused, is all of this good, or bad?

    • Naked_Bunny

      Let's ask John McCain.

    • TribecaMike

      All I know is that it's working wonders for my Alien Hand Syndrome.

      • StillGoinGreen

        As a radical Librul, I must compartmentalize everything into one of three groups:

        1) Feign outrage and mock the teatards
        2) feign outrage at how easily the teatards get outraged by "non-events", mock the conservatards
        3) Say, "Who gives a shit?" and go back to fapping to my photoshopped pic of Hillz in a fabtastic flag bikini!

        On this matter, however, I guess I'm gonna have to phone a friend??!!11!

  • Negropolis

    This gives new meaning to the term "mission creep."

  • TribecaMike

    "When morals decline and good men do nothing, hilarity ensues." — J. Edgar Hoover

  • ttommyunger

    Twits, Twats, and Twerps: more Romney sons, you ask? Why, no; our National Headlines today (slaps forehead with palm).

  • bobbert

    Well, I don't know where Callyson is, but I've said this before:

    Oh, for fuck's sake.

  • This stellar, upstanding officer also appears to be the one who leaked details of the investigation to… Newsmax, which is a lot like if your house got broken into, and instead of calling the police you write a letter to a homeless guy.

    Perfectly put.

  • TribecaMike

    From the Washington Post: "According to a senior U.S. defense official, the FBI has uncovered between 20,000 and 30,000 pages of 'potentially inappropriate' e-mails between Allen and Jill Kelley…"

    We got us a couple of David Foster Wallace's here.

    • HistoriCat

      Too bad that 19,000 to 29,000 pages are
      >>>>>> Quoted text in
      >>>>>> Replies

      • TribecaMike

        In that case, we can rule out anyone getting carpel tunnel.

  • RaflcaFlkaFlame

    If Petraeus was banging Broadwell, Allen was banging Kelley, and the square root of 69 is 8 something….then….


    • emmelemm

      That's math Republicans can understand.

  • rickmaci

    Why can't our modern generals in command of large American forces overseas conduct themselves in a manner that does honor to the way their great and valiant predecessors conducted their lives while overseas, like Eisenhower.

  • YAWN! Wake me when Allen's evil twin turns out to be Broadwell's father and Joan Collins shouts, "YOU BITCH!!" and starts a slap fight with someone.

  • lonewolfbear

    Where are the pics? Please? How can I pay tribute to our brave, heroic, patriotic and sexy CIA agents defending damsels in distress without pics? (Hey, what do you expect, I'm a wonkette reader!). … PS: if said CIA agent is ugly, nevermind about the pics.

  • I know I'm supposed to find this all very exciting, but I feel like I'm watching a Lawrence Kasdan movie in slow motion.

    Paula Broadwell? Not bad as a character name for this kind of thing. But the bar has already been set awfully high by Missy Le Hand.

  • docterry6973

    Can anyone doubt that Handsome Old Joe, the Big Dog, and our President who is black (need I say more) are deep inside this sex ring? So to speak.

  • Leave General Petræus alone!

    • Naked_Bunny

      Needz moar eye shadow.

  • In case you missed that: The FBI is investigating harassment that’s connected to the director of the CIA having an affair, and one of its officers is stomping around Congress wearing a tin foil hat, telling Eric Cantor about the big conspiracy to keep the Kenyan Marxist in office.

    pretty brilliantly sums up america ca. 2012

  • smellypossum

    This is awesome… "ALL up IN my snatch"

  • NYNYNYjr

    Sometimes I send 30,000 or more inappropriate emails to married Tampa ladies. A penis has many angles it can be photographed from. Also, you can put lots of things in the background. Sand, dead insurgents, tents, rations.

  • NYNYNYjr

    I like this part:

    I have a feeling this side of things gets even better. They also use the phrase "one-woman USO" for her. I want to suggest other metaphors…. "A splay-legged disneyland", "a bed spring-straining liason unit," "a cum-splattered Bob Hope."

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