Whine and Jesus Party

A Children’s Treasury of Random Wingnut Post-Election Butthurt (Part Douche)

Diagnosis: butthurt, againAs we have already pretty much established, America is Over Now, so all that’s left is just sitting around and waiting for the last few remaining embers of Freedom to burn out. If we’re really lucky, the Ancient Mayans or Space Jebus will just smash the Earth and be done with it. So let us see what further Elevated Whining there is to review.

To start with, there’s Orson Scott Card, the Mormon propagandist / anti-ghey crusader / science fiction writer who wrote one pretty good novel (OK, and his early stories were often quite nice, too) but has of late declined into a sad, right-wing parody of himself. He has discovered the truly perfidious villains responsible for the reelection of Barack Hussein Obama. You will be astonished to know that it’s all the fault of the Liberal Media!

To you newspeople at CBS, CNN, ABC, NBC. To you journalists at the New York Times, the Washington Post, at newspapers all over America.

You did it. You won. You were able to get Barack Obama his second term.

You knew that if you told the American people the truth, they would not have reelected this man.

Americans don’t vote to reelect a commander-in-chief who abandons our soldiers and agents and ambassadors when they’re under enemy fire.

But you, confident that you are much wiser than the American people, you decided we had no reason to think about this during the election.

Card then goes on to identify the precise bit of information that would have turned the whole election around:

You knew that Obama lied to cover up this culpable negligence, and then lied about lying. You had the video, CBS, which you could have aired immediately after the second debate, exposing him for the liar that he is.

Instead you held it back until two days before the election, when other stories predominated.

If you have no idea what CBS video Card is talking about (and does he provide a link or an explanation? Of course not!), welcome to the club. It turns out that it’s this thing, which further tweaks the total number of pin-head-dancing angels regarding Obama’s remarks the day after the Benghazi attack. See, we were thinking that maybe it was video of Barry saying, “Yeah, I withheld an AC-130 attack and a Delta Force rescue mission just so I could watch Ambassador Stevens die…in hi-def.” But we suppose that it is indeed possible that maybe the horrific lie that is Barack Obama might have completely unraveled if we’d had this one bit of tape to help us parse whether he meant “terrorist attack” when he said “act of terror.”

Also, Card thinks that Obama’s withholding of some of the documents in the “Fast And Furious” investigation is worthy of impeachment, and that Obama’s handling of Hurricane Sandy is objectively far more incompetent than George Bush’s handling of Katrina, and that there’s only one place we learn about these important truths:

You have to attack Fox News and sneer at them and accuse them of bias, don’t you — because they’re actually doing the job you merely pretend to do. They shame you by their genuinely balanced coverage, so you have to lie and accuse them of being what you are: ideological hacks, providing propaganda in order to advance a cause, while hiding the unhelpful truth

We should note that in Card’s nearly unreadable novel Empire, the good guy actually enlists the help of Bill O’Reilly to warn America of her mortal peril in the face of a liberal conspiracy to overthrow the government with an army of giant robots (the conspiracy is funded by a character who’s clearly a stand-in for George Soros). Yes, that is a completely accurate description of this novel, which was written as a tie-in to a video game.

We should also note that it’s perhaps understandable that Mr. Card thinks that a nation can be easily led and manipulated by a media conspiracy — after all, a central plot point of Ender’s Game involves two kids shaping planetary opinion through their highly influential posts to the novel’s version of the interwebs, and [spoiler alert!] the main character himself kind of unintentionally genocides an entire alien race because he is given a very limited stream of information by The Powers That Be. But it’s OK, because he meant well — which appears to be the only reason Orson Scott Card has left for putting up with his fellow citizens, the poor sheeple. As John Scalzi says, whatever strengths Card has as a novelist, “as a social thinker he’s far deep into my ‘oh, bless his heart‘ territory.”

And then there’s this incoherent screaming by Mary Matalin on CNN, which we somehow missed the day after the election:

Mandate? He has no mandate! What’s his mandate for? Giving ladies whore pills? MITT ROMNEY IS A GENTLEMAN YOU COMMUNIST! Obama is incredibly divisive, and I don’t care what you think!

[The Ornery American via alert Wonkette pal Doug on Facebook / CNN]

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if you’d like to maybe win a ride in a giant armored robot (we said maybe!), Doktor Zoom is on Twitter too.

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    How does Carville stay married to that crone?

    • SorosBot

      Cajun-style!

    • MissTaken

      My parents called me immediately after seeing her lose her shit. They just laughed and laughed.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        I love your parents.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          Haha. You're just SAYING that, ya li'l nut. (Squeezes you)

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Hahahaha, Z! Cool new name and avatar!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            Fuck. That obvious, huh? (beams proudly)

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Well, I do know you pretty well.( rubs toe of sneaker in sand while gazing shyly at the ground)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            You sure do! (Hugs you again)

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Awwww…. Who knew one could come to the rudest, most obscene, most sarcastic site on the interwebs and find such sweetness?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            Not me, fo' sho. First time I commented here, I was convinced y'all were gonna eat me alive. (Hugs you yet again) Been here a while, and it still amazes me.

            Hey, should I change to my OTHER Weedlord Bonerhitler av, or just let this one sink in for a while? Or should I rotate them and let *everyone* enjoy the full grossitude of it all?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

        Geezus, they don't *like* her much, do they?

    • BadKitty904

      Van Jones, on the other hand, is pretty studmuffin-y… ;0)~

      • DCBloom

        Yes, my thoughts exactly

      • YouBetcha

        Yes he can.

        He can any day of the week he wants. Any day, Van. You and me, baby.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Alright, girls. Settle down.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            Thanks for leaving the guys to sweat this through.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

        No shit. Number two on my list of guys I could make the beast with two backs wiv. GORGEOUS!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe she has a prehensile vagina.

      • corthylio

        Or just a reprehensible one?

      • Toomush_Infer

        I p'd you, but I can't even imagine what you mean by that….

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Let me just say, Bangkok. Able to pick up a Pyrex test tube with it. A real gripper, if you will.

          • gullywompr

            Or the Okinawa Banana Show?

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Precisely.

        • HogeyeGrex
    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Probably into the freakiest sex imaginable.

    • gullywompr

      She reads all the tips in Cosmo about keeping a man happy.

      • MissTaken

        Finger in the butt?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Yes, please!

        • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

          Whut Whut?

          • LionHeartSoyDog

            wut

        • gullywompr

          I now have a mental image of Matalin and Carville that I can't unsee.

          Is is weird that I'm kinda turned on by it?

          • MissTaken

            It is weird. But this is Wonkette, where weird turn-ons are the norm.

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            Speaking of which, that creepy pony is kinda hot. Not really sure how I feel about this.

          • SorosBot

            No, Pinkie Pie is the crazy pony, not creepy.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Gah! Teh poniez haz names?

          • HogeyeGrex

            Who knew you spelled Pinkie Pie with one L and two Ns?

          • MissTaken

            Pinkie Pie likes to party, so being turned on by her is totally okay.

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            That's awesome. But Mary Matalin just killed my buzz.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            That horse is being mounted out of frame. What?! Isn't that what we're all thinking?!

          • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

            Damn you Chet! You made scroll back up and look.

          • Naked_Bunny

            Me too. And then I lingered for awhile.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            Uh … Dok? An intervention?

        • Gleem McShineys

          Just a finger? I now wonder if you have just stumbled on an explanation for Carville's bald head…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            Oh god is that like the vulture thing? Why vultures are bald?

      • sullivanst

        Sounds like a sure-fire path to divorce.

      • redarmyzombie

        Or maybe the ones in Fox News Magazine.
        http://wonkette.com/478101/fox-news-magazine-know

    • http://www.themindisaterriblething.com skmind

      Librul conspiracy?

    • fitley

      Action on the side.

      • jqheywood

        The pony?

    • rocktonsam

      simple, James doesn't let his crazy wife drive the jeep EVER

    • Jerri

      They are equal and opposite reactions to each other, trapped in a terrifying perpetual motion machine of romance.

      Have I ever told you how badly I failed physics? It was pretty terribly!

    • barto

      couple of fifths of Makers Mark every day, I'm guessing

      • glasspusher

        Spin the Bottle. Every time it points at her, he does another shot! Goddamn, bitter much, Mary?

    • memzilla

      From the look of her, I'm guessing that she lost a bet to Carville that involved degrading sex acts and Craftsman® Powertools.

    • Not_So_Much

      I presume they have a snake-ball of offspring that aren't done incubating yet?

    • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

      I'm gonna go with anal.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Horrorshow woman sez wut?

    • Negropolis

      Why, crazy, uncoventional sex, of course.

    • Bodeburu

      Is it possible to divorce a sibling?

  • metamarcisf

    Writing screeds like this in the second person is no way to boost your career.

  • BadKitty904

    It's looking like tinfoil-hat-manufacturing is going to be a growth industry in 2013. Jerb creation!

    • nounverb911

      Do we still have the skills for that here in Merika?

      • corthylio

        If we can manufacture outrage, surely we can manage tin foil hats?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe ABC should bring back that America Held Hostage show they had on during the late 70s when the Iranians occupied our embassy. Is Ted Koppel available?

  • SorosBot

    Romney would surely have won if the media had played the Rev. Wright tape for a 1,000,001th time!

    • MissTaken

      Still think it would be all kinds of awesome if Rev Wright gives the benediction at the inauguration.

      • SorosBot

        Hey that was my idea!

        • MissTaken

          And it's a good one!

      • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

        I suspect Rev. Wright has about the same odds of getting that jerb as Cornel West.
        ~

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          Why are those two still talking?

          • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya
          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Are we pivoting back to poutrage already?! Can't we wait for No Balls Barry to articulate the terms of his latest sellout first?

          • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

            Sure, Chet.

            But it might be nice if people who claim to support Social Security and the rest of the social safety net actually fought for it.

            Perhaps?

            (I realize the drone strikes on civilians and spying on Americans are already bipartisan, and only disgusting an ideological purist or emo-proggie would even mention silly nonsense like that now.)
            ~

          • Negropolis

            Pivot back? He never fucking left it.

    • gullywompr

      Yeah, they really need to do a better job of getting their message out there, don't they?

      • SorosBot

        Besides BENGHAZI, needs moar SOLYNDRA, BILL AYERS, FAST AND FURIOUS, ACORN and of course BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    I seriously need to take a break from laughing at these idiots.

    • DCBloom

      Yeah, the schadenfreude is getting a little much, like when you eat too much Ben & Jerry's. It still kinda tastes good though.

  • Grokenstein

    Strangely enough, I haven't heard one word about Honey Boo Boo since the election.

    • MissTaken

      I heard she gave Obama three thumbs up.

      • sullivanst

        Left, Right, and Mama?

    • DCBloom

      Bronco Bama girl has weighed in http://www.newser.com/story/157329/bronco-bama-gi

      • Stevola

        I hope he embraces that nickname

    • docterry6973

      Her work here is finished. I can say no more.

  • memzilla

    That's okay, Orson Scott Card. If it's a legitimate butthurt, the electoral body has a way of (etc.)

  • gullywompr

    It's the end of their world as they know it, and I feel fine.

    • Nothingisamiss

      best.

  • cousinitt

    So there really is a SorosBot! If Orson wrote about it, it must be a real figment of his addled imagination.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    So CBS withheld video of….an event that was televised at the time it occured?

    This seems to be a recurring theme this season.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Well, they withheld video of the portion of the 60 Minutes interview where Obama said "Well it’s too early to tell exactly how this came about, what group was involved, but obviously it was an attack on Americans," which is somehow either a lie, or a coverup, or contradicts the Rose garden statement that it was an "act of terror", making the initial statement a lie, or…

      Really, fuck if I know what's supposed to be scandalous about it.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Is that really the exact quote, Dok? Because if so, they have NO case whatsoever. Hahahaaha!!

        • Doktor Zoom

          Ya think?

    • MacRaith

      Yes, we liberals are evil super-geniuses who have figured out how to hide all evidence of our dastardly plots by making the evidence part of the public record.

      I'm saying we just run with it. Super-villains have all the fun, after all.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        "I'm warning you, drop all this conspiracy nonsense or I'll send the sharks with frickin laser beams."

    • YouBetcha

      You know, patriotic Americans know that also there is a supression of actual previously televised events of which there have been international significance in days before the election took place with Barack Hussein Obama that we are not privvy to these such events of terror that have been aired on the lamestream media also too such as, Katie.

    • magnabob

      Carl, don't flaunt that logic!

  • edgydrifter

    Never did two people deserve each other more than Carville and Matalin.

  • barto

    Van Jones shoulda yelled out "where da white wimmin at?"
    That woulda shut her piehole.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Mind if I dance wif yo date?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        I don't get it.

        • jqheywood

          Animal House reference

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            That's not what I don't get.

  • Beowoof

    And I thought Mormons didn't drink. Yeah right.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    Please…the only sin the MSM committed was making it look like this was a 2-way race.

  • noodlesalad

    The schadenfreude for this election has been so, so, so very good. I mean, so very good, Obama could fundraise another $1B just by promising to keep rubbing it in.

    • Negropolis

      It's truly top-shelf schadenfreude, isn't it? I want MORE.

      • noodlesalad

        It's a smoky 12-year single malt schadenfreude that went into the oak barrels right after Bush v Gore.

  • SorosBot

    I still don't understand how the Benghazi attack was somehow Obama's fault, or what he is alleged to have done wrong at all. Can some wingnut please explain what their conspiracy theory exactly is? Or are they just grasping at straws to find any mud they can sling at him?

    • gullywompr

      The latter.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Failure of embassy security.

      You know, the shit that Congress defunded.

      • Cleopatriot

        And it's not an embassy. It's a consulate.

        • TheGyrus

          Not even a consulate, a compound.

          • Doktor Zoom

            And the only requests for increased security were for the actual embassy in Tripoli, so even had they been funded and granted, Benghazi would probably not have been more secure.

          • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

            Thinking that increased security in Tripoli would make Benghazi more secure is like… putting up sandbags in Ohio for a hurricane hitting New Jersey, actually.

            I can see why they think Romney would've done a better job.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            I don't recall Ronald Reagan getting dick-slapped by Congress when all those Marines got blown up.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            That's because Reagan invaded Grenada less than a week after the Beirut barracks bombing. Shiny keys!!

          • Negropolis

            Squirrel! Plus, Reagan was American (white).

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

      BECAUSE GEORGE BUSH KEPT US SAFE FOR EIGHT 7 1/2 YEARS, UNLESS YOU COUNT ATTACKS ON US EMBASSIES.

      • SorosBot

        Or anthrax…

    • HarryButtle

      I tried to get my wingnut aunt to explain this "conspiracy" to me, but she couldn't. But did that stop her from posting links on Facebook to every wingnut story ever written about it? Nope. So, I kept asking her about it. Eventually she complained that I was protesting too much. I pointed out that technically, SHE was the one protesting too much. This is when she hid behind, "Oh, I don't necessarily agree with everything I post, I'm just posting articles about the candidates so everyone can get all sides of the story and make better choices."

      There simply is no "there" with these people.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "I'm just posting articles about the candidates so everyone can get all sides of the story and make better choices."

        Did you tell her that her plan succeeded?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Forget it, SorosBot. It's Butthurttown.

    • Callyson

      Agreed.
      No.
      Yes.

      • Doktor Zoom

        I don't know…

        Could you repeat the question?

        • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

          You're not the boss of me!

    • Negropolis

      They've already explained it, exactly, and it's not supposed to make sense.

    • Stevola

      When the attack happened, Obama was black.

      • HistoriCat

        This changes everything!

    • Lizzietish81

      There were several embassy attacks during the Bush II years that were never "investigated" or even brought up by the right wing nut bags.

      Double standards, etc, etc.

    • Slapwow

      Benghazi is now just another "word" wingnuts have learned to bark out in the phonetic diarrhea that passes for rational argument. They don't know what it actually means, but they believe it has magical powers… Fortunately (?) this list of such words is only three entries long: "Soros! Solyndra! Benghazi! …uh, uh…SOROS!"

  • SnarkOff

    Having finally achieved the ultimate goal of Obama re-election/sharia law for everybody, I, a member of the Librul MSM, can at last tell the truth: Yes, it was all a vast, carefully orchestrated conspiracy. We were all in on it, every last one of us. And we totally pulled it off. Now we're just waiting for the vats of cash and ironclad job security we were promised.

    • sullivanst

      Well, Obama's gonna need to hire all of us to effect the total disarmament of all Real Murkans after he issues the XO repealing the second amendment…

      • BerkeleyBear

        Hah – like he'd need to issue anything. Bush/Cheney had an NSA directive for disarming Americans set out years ago – all O would have to do is take out "brown skinned" and "foreign sounding" where appropriate.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I'm hoping they'll let me personally present my overweight wingnut family members with their UN-issued bicycles.

  • gullywompr

    This is why the GOP can't have nice things.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Yes, that is a completely accurate description of this novel, which was written as a tie-in to a video game.

    Available now for the Atari 2600.

    • alteredimages

      My friends said it was a good game. But i ain't gonna play it.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Bugger all, the Lame Steam is a Formic fifth column. Who knew? So that's why they were behind banning DDT. It is all so clear now.

    / mounts propeller on tinfoil hat

    • sullivanst

      Our cunning plan moves on to Phase IV.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      The bugs will have to pry the nuclear missile launcher and flame thrower from my cold dead power armor suited hands.

  • BadKitty904

    "Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson…"

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Orson Scott Card complains about MSM
      His name sounds like Orson Bean
      Orson Bean's daughter was married to Andrew Breitbart.
      ANDREW BREITBART IS A NOTED MEDIA CRITIC AND DEAD!!!!

      COINCIDENCE?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        And Mr. Bean is a British TV figure
        And British TV figures molest children.
        And Socialized Medicine, also too!

        Q. E. muthafukkin' D!

    • cousinitt

      Orson: What about your friend?
      Mork: Eh, she spent a lot of time feeling lonely, but then she realized her best chance of going out was to be more outgoing.
      Orson: That reminds me of an old Orkan saying…
      Mork: Me, too, sir. "If one stays too long in his shell, he'll wind up nuts." On that same note, sir, nanu.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Matalin looks and sounds like she's coming down from a three day meth binge.

    • TheGyrus

      Let he who is not coming down from a three day meth binge cast the first stone.

      • Negropolis

        **throws a goddamned boulder**

        • MosesInvests

          All right, nobody else throws any stones until *I* say so, and I don't care if he *does* say Jehovah!

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      her rage has the same kind of no-sleep effect.

    • OneYieldRegular

      She makes Diane Sawyer's election night performance looks like a Sunday school picnic.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I think Mary was overdosing on free contraceptives.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

        Not like she *needs* 'em. Her punim is a contraceptive, fer crying out.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ahahahaha! What a card!

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    I want to laugh and bathe myself in the tears of the wing-nuts, but I am almost saddened by their refusal to face reality.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I used to be disgusted, now I just try to be amused.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Well at least you won't get any older.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      It's not a new thing for them.

    • Nothingisamiss

      It's true. It scares me yet makes me happy.

    • memzilla

      I'm saddened by their refusal to accept reality, too…

      for about three seconds!

      AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *srfle* *glink* *boit* *kloon*

      (Don Martin sound effects can only convey 1/100th of my glee!)

      • BaldarTFlagass

        What The Potrzebie?!?!?!

        • memzilla

          I've got enough snark in my furshlugginer veeblefetzer to choke a poiuyt!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I'm saddened by their refusal to face reality mostly because so many of them are armed.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown
        • Dashboard Buddha

          Funny thing about that (one or many, I'm sure) is that the Darwin they refuse to recognize is taking care of the really dumb ones.

  • TootsStansbury

    I thought it had finally dawned on at least some of them that living in an alternate reality mightn't be such a good idea.

    The new and improved conservative bubble! Now with twice the crazy!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    The two biggest plot holes in the novel:
    1) Sorry folks, but kids make lousy strategists and tacticians
    2) "Their (intertubes) essays are soon taken seriously by people at the highest positions of power in the government." Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe
      • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        Pretty much. Otherwise, I enjoyed the novel (mind you I read this when I was pimply fat faced 15 year old.)

    • Doktor Zoom

      kids make lousy strategists and tacticians

      Yabbut, yabbut, yabbut Ender was like all genetically engineered and watched for his amazing strategic skills, yanno?

      • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        Still seems way way way out in left field unless they hooked him up to one of those learning machines from the Forever War which crammed humanity's entire knowledge of war into a human mind within a month.

        Plus there are plenty of adult military commanders (and Dick "Dick" Cheney) who didn't give a shit about losing soldiers lives.

  • memzilla

    Mary Matalin has the same pharmacist as Dame Peggington, obvs, but Mary — Follow Dame P's advice and switch to vodka, cause the bourbon is keeping you mean.

    • Botlrokit

      I wish they'd show how much she drinks in those commercials.

    • sullivanst

      Gin libel!

    • 415buzzard

      She seems pretty hyper, like she's cooking her own meth. And what's up with her red nose? Is it just the pure rage turning her colors?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Okay, she's either hot flashing or PMSing, but geez…..

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    Today on, All My Butthurt, Bamz and CBS News plays a cruel trick on the nation to get Bamz re-elected. While back in LaJolla, Miffed, still in a catatonic stupor, sits in his car elevator staring at the wall. Nobody cares.

    • Toomush_Infer

      It goes up, it goes down…

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        You can't explain it.

    • Negropolis

      Suddenly, he puts the keys in the ignition, Ann none the wiser…

  • Geminisunmars

    I can haz some Van Jones?

    • cognachas4paws

      Me, too! Me, too!

    • BadKitty904

      Dibs!

    • thebeatgoeson

      That man is FINE!

    • Gayer_Than_Thou

      Although I am not technically a white woman, if he wants to come for me, what can I do?

  • Nothingisamiss

    CANNOT GET ENUF.

    Safe in Berekley, free from the dead eyed gamma rays of my dirty (douchbag) south.

    • Callyson

      Go Bears!

      As a Cal alum, I am almost as happy about Prop 30 passing as I am about Obama. Which means the CA haters on HuffPo are losing their shit…

      Ah, another beautiful day…

  • cognachas4paws

    No, the media did not do that. The VOTERS did. It turns out we are not as stupid as the GOP thinks we are. This is what happens when the people who think they're the smartest in the room are actually…not.

  • SmutBoffin

    I AM A AMERICA PATRIOT AND I WILL NOT BE WATCHING THESE MEDIA ANYMORE EXCEPT FOR THE LOCAL NEWS TO SEE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL SCORES AND MAYBE AN ATTRACTIVE LADY INTERVIEWING A LOCAL RESIDENT ABOUT LOCAL POTHOLES (THANKS OBAMA!!!!) AND THEN EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND COMES ON

    #WAR

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      So you're the person that sends my relative all those chain emails?

      • SmutBoffin

        ROMNAY WOULD HAVE ONE THE ELECTION IF YOU HAD LIKED MY f.b. STATUS B+OBAMA UTOPIFYING SOCAILISM IS NOT MY WAY MR. PRESIDENT

        LEARN HO 2 USE THE F******ING INTERNET!!!!

        • barto

          You misspelled SCOLIASTISM, moran!

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          Needz moar I CHECKED IT ON SNOPES AND IT"S TOTALLY TRUE!!!!!!

          • GoodDogThor

            …now forward this to all the people you know.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    I wish somebody had warned me about Wolf Blitzer on that video. Worse than getting Rickrolled.

  • http://www.themindisaterriblething.com skmind

    This was actually one election where if Romney had listened to the librul media, he'd found out that FOX "News" was really, and I mean that in the nicest possible way, full of shit.

    How full of shit, you ask?

    They were unskewing internal polls!

  • Geminisunmars

    Now I get it. James Carville and Mary Matalin were the last two people on earth.

    • Botlrokit

      To be fair, he's hard to look at, too.

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        She's told him that if he divorces her she'll never give him the potion that turns him back into a human.

        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

          He should embrace his individuality. Not EVERYONE gets to be a walking, talking, Cajun skeleton.

        • Botlrokit

          Did you see that interview? She's not human anyway!

          Seriously, she seems to be a confusing woman. James has to be wondering "When did my sweet bride turn into this bitch I married?"

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          He was human?

      • Doktor Zoom

        I couldn't find a place for it, but I liked the line from a recent Wait Wait Don't Tell Me: "She's a staunch Republican, and he's a naked snapping turtle."

    • TribecaMike

      That's it. I hereby renounce my Earthboundness.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

        THERE you are! How are you doing? You OK?

    • Thurman Munster IV

      Next on The Twatlight Zone

    • Negropolis

      Comment of the Year, and I mean it, too.

      • Geminisunmars

        Coming from you, that makes me very happy.

  • MiniMencken

    Listening to Matalin, it is easy to see how the Republicans lost. I beleive in the South it's called "drinking your own bathwater."

    • gullywompr

      Here at the Wompr Institute, we call it "eating your own shit". We have a department to come up with sayings like that.

  • Baconzgood

    So many butt hertz. So few splintery broom handles.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Oh, that Mary Matalin — I'd just love to bottle her and sell her in stores. To keep raccoons from rooting through garbage cans, among other uses.

    • gullywompr

      I think I saw that on Etsy.

  • Botlrokit

    Fine, we get it. Your side lost. You're angry.

    Other than the blatantly obvious answer of "because Mitt couldn't buy votes after all", why is this Obama's fault?

  • Blendergoathead

    Personally, I'm fine with having another civil war. But this time, we're not going to just shame them, we'll put them down for good. With votes, of course.

    edit: Oh, wait, we just did that, with votes. Suck it, GOP.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Last time they thought they had us with their cotton. This time, I don't think they have anything we want.

  • Baconzgood

    …then he lied about the lie he lied about lying about while he way laying.

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    When did Mary Matalin become an expert, and, more to the point, how?

    I do not think the word "expert" means what you think it does.

    • BarackMyWorld

      To be fair, she worked in the White House…10 years ago during the run up to the Iraq War. If anyone should be an expert on lying to the public, it's her.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think pundits should have a shorter shelf life, like NFL players. Sure, Steve Young was a pretty damn good quarterback 20 years ago, but he really wouldn't be very effective if you threw him out on the gridiron this coming Sunday.

  • neiltheblaze

    Wow – she's looking worse than Bay Buchanan in that still photo.

    But I didn't look at the clip. I tried – and I couldn't make it past Wolf Blitzer blaming Obama for "failing to form a coalition with Republicans". I felt sorry for Van Jones having to talk to such a fucking imbecile – and one who is so in the tank he should have "Property of Ronald Regan's Dick" stenciled on his ass.

    I immediately thought "Right! THAT'S why I won't watch CNN" – and clicked it off. Can't do it. I'll just take your word for it that it's a bunch of screeching. I've heard it before. I know how it goes.

    • Geminisunmars

      But it was worth it to see Van Jones giving Matalin (and Volfie) the patented Romney pity-stare.

      • neiltheblaze

        Maybe I'll soldier up and watch it if there's a good payoff.

        • Geminisunmars

          Well, watching Matalin was rather schadenfreudingly enjoyable, but I loves me some Mr Jones.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Oh, you should watch it, just for the flush of raginess on Matalin's face….and for her logic of : "My man was a gentle man, while your fucking asshole was rude", with absolutely no clue how she was behaving…..priceless….

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Sorry — I tried, but I could not take more than about 20 seconds of the bitch.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Soledad and Anderson Cooper are the only CNNers that aren't blithering idiots.

  • Wilcoxyz

    I know these folks are a bit cranky right now, but shouldn't we get started on repealing the 22nd amendment so Hopey can have a third term?

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      you know if we just faked like that was the plan, they'd spend the next two and a half years throwing gobs of time and money to make sure that it didn't happen when they should be focused on finding a sentient human who will give them a snowball's chance in hell of not getting curb-stopped by someone other than Barack in 2016.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        OMG, can you imagine the exploding heads if we were able to convince them that we were going to pull a Bloomberg on them? Impossible to actually do it, of course, but they're too dumb (and fact-resistant) for that little detail to get in the way.

        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

          Precisely why it would work! We'll just tell them that in those 20bazillion pages of the ACA, we repealed the term limits, and now Obummer doesn't even have to run a campaign – he just gets grandfathered in. Then Karl Rove would be all "Count the ballots in Ohio!", and Megyn would be all "Awkwaaaard!" and then our liberal plant in their counting room would say "Yep. Obummer wins another term! Sorry Megyn."

          • bikerlaureate

            You've got this all figgered out.

            Alternatively – since ACORN stole this election, Bronco wasn't really truly elected… so he can be elected for only the second time in 2016.

            Bwah hah hah.

          • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

            You got it all figgered out too! Nobama's a LOCK in 2016.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Actually, they're talking about it already. I read it in some comments on some stupid right wing site. I forget which one.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            Newt Gingrich apparently "accidentally" released an email (which got picked up by RawStory) indicating that 2016 Bammerz run was wut GOP needs to fear most. We don't have to conspire against them, they're doing it themselves.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Best idea I've heard all week.

  • Cleopatriot

    This is not ending any time soon, is it? I don't think they understand how entertaining it is, or they'd stop.

    • Toomush_Infer

      No, the response is 100% how Rmoney was too moderate, too lefty, and not enough caveman give me back the car keys so I can go to the bank and withdraw all our money, bitch….

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Now they're trying to secede. Haha! http://gawker.com/5959719/we-the-people-petitions

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Oh god. This time, let's let 'em!

  • Come here a minute

    Sadly, this is as close as the wingnuts ever get to science.

  • not that Dewey

    Was Mary Matalin all out of Jeeps?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      Man, she was as melty-downy as it GETS! I wonder wut she does when her spawn acts the same way?

      • not that Dewey

        She commissions a bad Fauvist painting of them.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          Bleah. I coulda lived the rest of my life without that sight, Dok. You *could* warn a body, yaknow. Gadz, they're hideous.

          Sorry. Shallow, trivial, looksist. But I don't have to fuck 'em and I shouldn't care.

  • StillGoinGreen

    Thanks be to Jesus that Gentleman Mitt laid out a foundation for all conservatards to follow for years to come… lie your ass off and get slaughtered in the general election. I, for one, like it!

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Well, I'm just glad that this Card person is reminding us not just of Benghazi, but of several other crimes against humanity committed by your Dear Leader, Barack Hussein Obama.

    ^ ^ Did I do that right? Been reading a lot of this crap lately with all the butthurting (and LOOOOVING it!)

    • Gleem McShineys

      Your recipe is a little light on the impotent fury.
      Keep working on it, and I Can't Believe It's Not Wingnut Shadenfreude might be as delicious as the original.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        Well, those ones are the funniest to emulate, but sometimes you read the "Wingnut Sophisticate" version of a comment on NRO or other wingnut site and it's all grammatically correct yet still factually appalling…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      Honestly, we're so pathetic, sometimes. (Snickers meanly, digs D_R in the ribs)

  • WaltFrench

    After looking for an antonym to Schadenfreude, none seems apt.

    Who has a word for “pompous, self-righteous despair?”

    • BadKitty904

      There's so many – Joewalsh, Allenwest, etc.

    • Callyson

      "Republican."

    • GoodDogThor

      Glenn Beck

    • bikerlaureate

      I know this one… it's akin to the name of a misogynist loser…

  • CalamityJames

    Wow, that Matalin chick talks real good, what with being deaf and all. What? Oh, sorry, she talks well.

    • BadKitty904

      Deaf only to reason…

  • Lot_49

    Matalin's so worried about women getting free "birth controls" and you have to wonder why. Surely she and the Lizard King never did the nasty.

    • Aridzona

      Ah, but they did. And their spawn was Paul Ryan.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Yeah, what was that about? Obama's entire platform was free birth control – wow!….some spokesperson for the party, here….just Shade and then some Freude….and a little more Shade…and some Freude….I don't need anything, just this lamp….and nothing else…just this lamp and….

  • HateMachine

    Yes, that is a completely accurate description of this novel, which was written as a tie-in to a video game.

    That was a decent video game, though. Wait, no, that game was cancelled. The game that was made as a tie-in to the would-be-tie-in novel (yes, this chronology is exhausting) was damn good, gameplay-wise, and the devs have since cut ties with Card. As in, he doesn't get to write novels in their alt-history anymore.

    It's called Shadow Complex, if anyone's interested (only downsides are that the big bad is a complete Cobra Commander ripoff, which may not be a downside. Also, the allegedly librul terrorist conspiracy has San Fran staked out as its first target, which, uh?)

  • http://parterre.com La_Cieca

    Beauty hint for La Matalin: blusher isn't perishable, so don't feel like you have to use up the whole container for just one application.

    • Toomush_Infer

      That was hot flashing or PMS (pretty mad shit)…

  • http://parterre.com La_Cieca

    She has a argument of aggression and assertion and awful alliteration.

    • bibliotequetress

      Arrogance and anomaly also!

    • Geminisunmars

      And she is an arrogant asshole.

  • AncienReggie

    Funny. For a long time there, i was truly afraid that I (along with my fellow-travelers and Wonkelettes) was tons "wiser than the American people." Then we had that election thing, and it turns out I was only wiser than about 48 percent of the American people.

    Color me relieved.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

    Americans don’t vote to reelect a commander-in-chief who abandons our soldiers and agents and ambassadors when they’re under enemy fire.

    No, presumably Americans vote instead to elect someone who would decide to bombard our soldiers and agents and ambassadors with massive friendly fire via C130 ordinance, in such a position.

    OT, but speaking of which, here's a little fun to keep the tin foil hat brigade, myself included, occupied for a bit. Rove's involved, so I'd honestly be totally surprised if this was completely off-base.

  • qwerty42

    Oh dear dog. If I end up ranting like this Card guy in my last days, someone should just pull the plug and try to remember when I was sane. Jeebus.

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    did Mary get past "D" in her thesaurus under "asshole, acting like an"?

    she and carville can go get bent on each other forever. speaks volumes to the true nature of a likable asshat like carville that freely decides to marry such an awful, awful person like her.

  • Eve8Apples

    The only thing that would make me happier than listening to those lunatic freaks come unhinged is if we could somehow run Obama in 2016 so he could kick their assess one last time. How about a Biden/Obama ticket or a Hillary/Hopey ticket?

    • Geminisunmars

      I'd be down with a Van Jones/Elizabeth Warren ticket, myself.

    • PubOption

      A similar trick worked for Putin.

  • One_Man_Band

    Instead of "Part Douche", I would like you to actually number these installments for realz, so that in four years we can see "Part 416" or whatever, and be all "Look at how our little child has grown!"

    • Doktor Zoom

      That would take far more organizational competence than any Wonketter possesses.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        We count good! One, two, eleventy, four score, fiverty Brazillion…, um Q, purple, two thousandish…

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          You forgot the radishes.

          Also too, giraffes in the bathtub.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        Dude, just open up Excel and type a "1" and then hit "Return" every time you make one of these posts. Then highlight the entire column; click "autosum", and you know how many you've done!

        This concludes the width and breadth of my Excel knowledge.

  • Callyson

    and does he provide a link or an explanation? Of course not!

    Why should he be any different from the rest of the brainless trolls on HuffPo?

  • Callyson

    They shame you by their genuinely balanced coverage

    No comment–just howls of laughter.

    Shit, I'm not even done reading this post, and my sides are already sore from the LMFAO moments the wingnuts are so generously providing…

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      That one really made me laugh, also too. They don't shame me, but I am ashamed of them.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Genuine…..that's another word for….Faux…isn't it? Freedom isn't Free, sheeple….

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      It's a TARP!!! They're trying to kill us from larfingk.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Defeatably_Joe

    Yes, that is a completely accurate description of this novel, which was written as a tie-in to a video game.

    Even better, the video game predates the book, and the IP is owned by the video game company, so OSC is basically reduced to writing (admittedly licensed!) video game fan-fiction. That knowledge is honestly its own reward.

  • http://www.marionstein.net Ground Zero Mostel

    I'm confused. Is "elites" another word for Latinos? Because that's who put Barackito back in the Casa Blanca.

    • Geminisunmars

      Los Elitos?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Shhhh – do you want to keep electing Democrats for the rest of the century or not?…..

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        GOP (as read by Haley Barber): "Weer sorrah, blacks n messcans. We jus' get all confoozed an' hatey when we see y'all lookin' all not-white 'n' all. Y'all unnerstan', right? No hard feelinz?"

  • Callyson

    "so where do you see bipartisan cooperation going, if at all?"

    Oh, the look of hate on Matalin's face…what a beautiful sight…

    • Toomush_Infer

      She's going to take her dolls and go home, fuck this politics stuff….fuck Washington, fuck the country, just fuck…..

  • Eve8Apples

    The GOP doesn't have a "demographics problem," they have a "disconnect from reality problem" and "an ate too much lead paint as a toddler problem."

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      A "shoved crayon very, very far up nose" problem.

  • Callyson

    "Frankly, Mitt Romney sounded a much better tone than you just did, Mary"

    Oh, snap!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      "That's because he's a gentleman" doesn't seem like a very good comeback, IMHO.

  • Callyson

    "I'm proud of Mitt Romney…he ran a campaign of conviction"

    ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!!

    /Jesus, someone get me a breathing machine…I'm starting to gasp for air…

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      FFS?

  • mingey

    Oh noes! Lee Atwater's protegee has the vapors over the Democrats' incivility! I guess a veteran of George Bush's 1988 campaign would have to know a divisive, vicious operation when she sees it.

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      She's so Lee Atwater that she even recanted Lee's death-bed recantation of his parade of horribles.

      "Yeah, but Lee was sick and dying…and cancer makes people do fucked up things. Lee loved the same kind of vicious soulless borderline treasonous shit that I make money doing."

      • mingey

        I think this video is further evidence that she regards critical self-reflection as some pussy-ass bullshit.

  • Meadow58

    Mary is looking so much like Madame these days…. come to think of it…. I've never seen them in the same room …..

    http://www.tvacres.com/images/puppets_madame.jpg

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    "Americans don’t vote to reelect a commander-in-chief who abandons our soldiers and agents and ambassadors when they’re under enemy fire."

    But I'm sure Mr. Card thinks sending troops to a war based on lies and without proper equipment etc is just fine.

  • RelicOven

    Someone get this lady a fainting couch and a tumbler of gin, I think she needs to unwind for a bit.

  • BarackMyWorld

    You needed to mention the horrifyingly bad "Iron Man" mini-series Card wrote for Marvel's Ultimate Comics line a few years back. Oh my God was it awful.

    • redarmyzombie

      I just tried reading the synopsis on Wikipedia.

      Good. Fucking. God.

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    Mary Matalin, joining us from Houston, Harris County, Texas which Obama carried for the second time in a row after not once supporting a democratic presidential candidate in an election since LBJ. Eat a whole bag of dicks, Mary, or your husband.

    • TribecaMike

      For the love of Allah, don't tell her that Mayor Annise Danette Parker has the gay!

  • qwerty42

    Geeze, just listened to the Matalin piece. She sounds as though she is ready to start screaming. The "no mandate" stuff has been a theme some of the Republicans have been pushing. Sure. That's why Boehner had a conference call with his members:
    …Their party lost, badly, Mr. Boehner said, and while Republicans would still control the House and would continue to staunchly oppose tax rate increases as Congress grapples with the impending fiscal battle, they had to avoid the nasty showdowns that marked so much of the last two years.

  • Exhausted66

    Would the gentleman like to tell another birther joke?

  • LeathrTuscadero

    I'd like to put Van Jones on the table. I'd like to birther his baby. I'd like to let him into my demographic cul-de-sac. I'd like to… ah, eff it. Mary M. just started talking and I lost it

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    "Better angels in the Republican party." How quaint.

    • TribecaMike

      Just hasta be talking about Moroni.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Hell's angels. Gotta be.

      • Negropolis

        Motorcycle gang libel!

  • Guppy

    That remark, which was not included in the "60 Minutes" package that first aired on Sept. 23,

    NEWS FLASH: Entire 60 Minutes audience old enough to remember what a "news flash" is, was probably already voting Romney anyway.

  • MinAgain

    Ender's Lame.

  • bibliotequetress

    Mary Mary Mary…
    I know this is usually done only when playing a debate drinking game, but for the next four years WHENEVER I hear a republican accuse Obama of being uncooperative I'm going to take a drink. And I start my day at 5:30 AM listening to to news.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Sounds like a prescription for a very bad liver, but you have my blessing…

  • TribecaMike

    Some advice on making the perfect turkey burger would've been thoughtful.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Well first you have to grind up some turkeys. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJd_vm9VhpU Warning Palin ahead.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      Jezus, Mike, all she has to do is *look* at a turkey with that expression, and, voila! Instant flame-broiled turkey burger. Getcher own goddamn buns.

  • Guppy

    This is only phase 1 of the Great National Butthurt. Phase 2 begins on December 17, in 35 days. Mark your calendars!

    (Seriously, a little surprised the Teabaggers/Paultards/etc. haven't start making noise about swaying the Electoral College yet.)

  • ttommyunger

    Mary was wearing her cranky panties because CNN dared to put her on with a blah. BTW, had planned to fap later, but doubt I'll be able to coax my peen out of my belly for a day or two after seeing that face, and I don't mean Wolf or Vann.

  • synykyl

    So, that's their new line? Obama won because he went negative? Does Matalin think we have all been sleeping for the past 40 years, while the Republicans did exactly what she is accusing the Democrats of doing? If she wants to see mendacious and divisive, she should look in a mirror.

    • SorosBot

      You would think the name Willie Horton would ring a bell, considering she worked on that herself.

  • LibrarianX

    Wait, CBS has porn???

  • C_R_Eature

    The Modern Conservative Movement: To Stand Athwart Reality Yelling Stop!

  • gullywompr

    Moar butthurt. If you've ever been to Bedford, Va, you'll think that this guy is probably a local hero now.

    • TribecaMike

      When did folks start bragging about being wusses?

  • LibrarianX

    A vast left-wing conspiracy….

  • petulant_pony

    I thought Ender's Game was overrated. I read it because it was "acclaimed", but found it so sophomoric that I never read any more Scott. Here's one more reason not to. There are so, so many better SF writers (like Scalzi).

  • C_R_Eature

    There's one important thing that the Republican Party will learn, that General Petraeus has learned all too well:

    Erections have Consequences.

    • gullywompr

      BIG consequences…..

      • C_R_Eature

        That's What She…. Oh, never mind.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Stand by for the House's impeachment resolution, over the Broadwell conspiracy and cover-up, in five… four… three…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I saw Wolf Blitzer at the movies this afternoon. He told James Bond, after a night of partying on a Turkish beach, to go back to London. Adventure ensued!

  • LibertyLover

    I, for one, welcome the depiction of the end of the world in a James Naughton painting.

  • LibertyLover

    Right now, I am searching for the words of comfort that my Republican friends bestowed upon me in 2004, after the stunning defeat of John Kerry…. what were those words of comfort, you ask? I believe I wrote them down because they were so profound… here they are, in my pocket:

    "Get over it!"

    There, now, feel better Republicans. I do.

    • bikerlaureate

      Now that was a campaign. Good thing W and the GOP didn't "go negative"…

      Or stoke fear, for that matter.

    • oenspiek

      That's what you get for having Republican friends.

  • savethispatient

    Of course, if you're feeling butt-hurt, you could pick up your ball and leave.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I thought Mary Maitlen is a deaf actress.

  • NellCote71

    Sounds like she has been sipping from the same martini vat as Pegs and Diane and that crazy lady who said the f-word for 34 minutes.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    looks like mary's been dipping into that maker's mark she's been peddling.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    I just can't stop stuffing my face at the trough of Rightwing despair. If schadenfreude had calories, Springer would be on the way to his place with a tractor to knock down my wall and roll me to the fat farm as we speak

    • glasspusher

      BEEFCAKE!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Noah_Hegemon

    It'll take years for them to realize that 2+ 2 < 5.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    The two lines out of WSJ and Fox seem to be Obama won by OUTSPENDING Romney and supressing the vote by making him look bad.

  • decentcitizen

    He's right that the media is a font of propaganda but not of what or for the reason he thinks. He exhibits the clear-mindedness that I expect out of Mormon sci-fi writers.

  • redarmyzombie

    Gee, Mr. Card, it seems to me that Real Americans don't think the same way you do!

    Go eat a bag of rat dicks, douchebag. And no, they WON'T be cooked.

  • redarmyzombie

    Say, is Ender's Game really as good as people keep telling me? Cause from what I understand, it just sounds 'Meh' to me, and after the slew of shit that followed afterwards I *really* don't want to hear anything he has to say…

    • Negropolis

      I think he does an excellent job at hitting on emotional cues, I'll give him that. At least the stuff I read was insanely emotionally deep, which is what seperates it from your average piece of science fiction.

  • cybermoe

    I miss Mitt.

    • corthylio

      "I still believe in the people of America. And so Ann and I join with you to earnestly pray for this great nation,..

      HE STILL BELIEVES IN US AMERCIA, SHEEPLE!!1!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Orson Scott Card has spent waaaay too much time away from earth.

  • corthylio

    I'm kinda tired of all this wingnut whining- the only Elephant Talk I really like is of the King Crimson variety…

  • glasspusher

    You're in luck, Mary! Today's self-help topic is: Coping with Bitterness.

    …if your luck continues, tomorrow's might be: Adding substance to your arguments.

  • prommie

    I gave up science fiction at exactly the same time I gave up Vonnegut. Its not some kind of culturally transmitted judgment or pretentiousness, its just, like, discovering, now that Sci Fi and Vonngut had opened the door for me, that there was so much more much DEEPER thinking going on out there.

    I think it comes down to this: identifying the flaws in society and complaining about them, is, well, pretty easy and boring. Imagining, just fantasizing, about other societies without those flaw, thats also pretty easy and also pretty head-up-your-ass. But examining with rigorous scientific analysis the causes of the flaws in society and trying to come up with practical and possible and feasible and implementable improvements, thats really really really fucking hard. Especially just accepting that any improvement can only ever be incremental and just a single battle in a never ending back and forth battle.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Might I suggest maybe some Ursula K. LeGuin, maybe? She's done some outstanding stuff…I'm especially fond of The Left Hand of Darkness which is all kinds of awesome, and focuses far less on the whiz-bang space opera stuff and more on the sociological — in this case, the question of how humans with no fixed gender might organize themselves.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        I liked LeGuin, if my vague memories of her from the '70s and '80s are reliable. I believe I read "The Dispossessed", "The Lathe Of Heaven" and The Earthsea Trilogy (fantasy). Thoughtful, humanist, intelligent stuff, enhanced by a woman's perspective.

        I stopped reading science fiction pretty much by the early '80s, becoming more interested in "real world" literature. I didn't, and still don't, know enough about the world I live in to spend much more of my reading time in constructed worlds. I wish sci-fi no ill will, and there's great stuff in the genre. (Back in the day, "sf" vs. "sci-fi" was something to fistfight about — remember FIAWOL vs. FIJAGDH?) But science fiction is a pretty big catch-all for a lot of different tendencies, the most lucrative of which are the most juvenile.

        • prommie

          Sounds like we went through similar phases of reading.

    • sati_demise

      Reintroduce yourself to Vonnegut by reading his last book 'Man Without a Country'. You will not regret this.

  • prommie

    Obama's crime is his abetting, allowing, the continued complete control over the US economy by the Federal Reserve-Goldman Sachs Complex, with no prosecution of their prior crimes, no effort to reign in their continuing crimes, simply nothing but, dick sucking, frankly.

    • glasspusher

      I'm going to have to go ahead and agree with you there. A little prosecution would have been nice.

      • decentcitizen

        At least when Obama's bought, he's bought and paid for.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      You never go Full Troll, Proms.

      • prommie

        Well fuck man its undeniable, the finance industry owns the government, both fucking parties.

    • Doktor Zoom

      And to think, there were AC-130 gunships less than an hour's flight away!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_
  • ckinsobe

    I would have watched more but at 3:14 I felt like Mary was going to reach out of the TV and strangle me, after her head spun around a full 360 turn.

    I ran out of the room, sniveling.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      I don't blame you. Even days later, after multiple watchings, I cringe.

  • FeloniousMonk

    I look forward to anticipate your followup on secession petitions. Apparently the one in Texas has reached the threshold requiring a response from the administration. (When on earth did that rule get put in place? And why? And what were they smoking?) I hope the response is "Go fuck yourselves, you crybabies", but I shall probably be disappointed.

    • Callyson

      requiring a response from the administration

      "OK, as long as you let the decent Texans emigrate back to the US. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Bye now!"

      • MosesInvests

        Uh, if you look at a map of how each county voted, ALL the major cities in Texas-Austin, Dallas, El Paso, Houston, San Antonio-went blue. Not to mention the entire Rio Grande Valley. In a few more years, between educated white folks, black folks and Latinos, the Repubs are screwed here.

        • Callyson

          From your lips to God's ears…

  • glamourdammerung

    If the only way you can logically justify any of your political stances involves elaborate conspiracy theories, there may just be a problem. And it is not the Kenyan hypnotizing people with television-based mind control lasers.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

    Hay, Guise? Guise? Nobody here, huh. Dammit.

    • FeloniousMonk

      Nah, just didn't recognize our cosy little Mittborg. Admitting your kinship to Steely Dan, are you?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

        I wonder how a knitted cosy would look on that thang?

        Hey, wut? WUT? I'm a tad more fragile, do you mind.

        D'you like it? I have another one, if you don't.

        • FeloniousMonk

          Well, hugs with that would be … a new thing for me. Probably for Carville, too. I'd no idea he has a fanbase here. I've always liked him since I learned he got his political start working on a campaign for Price Le Blanc, best known around here as a car salesman who said daaahlin' a lot. I see starfanglednut has caught on too, so it'll soon be just like old times. (Yesterday.)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            I'll be careful, I promise. (Hugs Felonious)

        • FeloniousMonk

          Damn. I always hated history. I should have listened to Joe Smoe. (Mr Turk, the Sick Man Of Europe.)

    • GeneralLerong

      Occasionally I take a break from orbiting Neptune and pause to wonder about the family history of this august and revered name.

      Any relation to the BongHitlers, through a Japanese marriage, perhaps?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

        Anything's possible, in this world, General. Although I rather suspect the BongHitlers were a Szechwanese Jewish branch, quite honestly. Nothing like seeing the Hand of Fatma amid Chinese ideographs to hone one's sense of the ludicrous.

      • bobbert

        At one point in the campaign, the Rmoney guys ran what I guess you'd call a "web event", where they set up some label printers and then drove them with input from regular folks on the web. These were like name-tag labels on a RMONEY 2012 base label. Then they pointed cameras at the printers and put the camera output on the website, so people could watch their Romney labels being printed.

        Yes. They really did that. With no ID or authentication. There were very many labels on the theme of weed and boners, and some Hitler, and before they shut the works down, there was "Weedlord Bonerhitler". It was possibly the stupidest political gimmick I've ever seen. But unintentionally hilarious.

  • Negropolis

    I was so disappointed to hear about Orson Scott Card some years back. I loved his science fiction series when I was younger and more stupid, easily tricked by anything with spaceships and aliens in it. I read the damned Homecoming series, and most of the Ender saga.

  • ibwilliamsi

    I wish I could get worked up about Benghazi, because it is indeed a tragedy that we lost those people and that our security failed us. I have to say that the more they beat this drum, the less I care.

    All I can say is that it took a lot less time to get from Benghazi to an illicit affair than it did to get from Vince Foster to a cigar. Let's hope we can call it done now and not waste $40,000,000 to find out what we already know – the President can't be everywhere all at once, and sometimes things go wrong.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    The seven stages of "My Li'l Pony" tolerance
    1) Funny
    2) Cute
    3) Dumb
    4) Annoying
    5) Aggravating
    6) Stabbing desk with Pen
    7) STOP IT!! MAKE IT STOP!!! AIGIIGHAHHAH!!! HATE THIS CHILDISH CRAP!!!! AIGH!!!!

    • Doktor Zoom

      You seem upset

      • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

        Perfect :)

      • VodkaGoGo

        I'm starting to really, really like the ponies. Sort of like a comercial you at first find mildly annoying but then the jingle starts to get its hooks in and you get sad when a commercial comes on and it isn't that commercial that you've grown so fond of. What I'm saying is, I THINK I AM GOING INSANE WITH TEH PONY LOVE AND IT IS YOUR FAULT DOK.

        • emmelemm

          Yeah, that.

  • Jaim

    Jesus, she's loaded.

  • SaintRond

    Whore pills? I've been looking for a new drug for years now. I want.

  • Redgyal

    That comment from Mary Maitlin was brought to you by the letter "D".

  • Esteev

    Mary Matalin raises some interesting points.

  • blueflowers

    You have to give Matalin a pass on the screaming though, you guys know she's deaf, right?!

  • superdave

    Man, I loved Ender's Game when I was young. But I hate what OSC has become. Basically he's shitting on my childhood.

  • sati_demise

    She ran out of 'D' words!

  • http://www.louiszwu.blogspot.com louiszwu

    Bitter? Oh, a tad…