WHINE AND JESUS PARTY  5:05 pm November 12, 2012

A Children’s Treasury of Random Wingnut Post-Election Butthurt (Part Douche)

by Doktor Zoom

Diagnosis: butthurt, againAs we have already pretty much established, America is Over Now, so all that’s left is just sitting around and waiting for the last few remaining embers of Freedom to burn out. If we’re really lucky, the Ancient Mayans or Space Jebus will just smash the Earth and be done with it. So let us see what further Elevated Whining there is to review.

To start with, there’s Orson Scott Card, the Mormon propagandist / anti-ghey crusader / science fiction writer who wrote one pretty good novel (OK, and his early stories were often quite nice, too) but has of late declined into a sad, right-wing parody of himself. He has discovered the truly perfidious villains responsible for the reelection of Barack Hussein Obama. You will be astonished to know that it’s all the fault of the Liberal Media!

To you newspeople at CBS, CNN, ABC, NBC. To you journalists at the New York Times, the Washington Post, at newspapers all over America.

You did it. You won. You were able to get Barack Obama his second term.

You knew that if you told the American people the truth, they would not have reelected this man.

Americans don’t vote to reelect a commander-in-chief who abandons our soldiers and agents and ambassadors when they’re under enemy fire.

But you, confident that you are much wiser than the American people, you decided we had no reason to think about this during the election.

Card then goes on to identify the precise bit of information that would have turned the whole election around:

You knew that Obama lied to cover up this culpable negligence, and then lied about lying. You had the video, CBS, which you could have aired immediately after the second debate, exposing him for the liar that he is.

Instead you held it back until two days before the election, when other stories predominated.

If you have no idea what CBS video Card is talking about (and does he provide a link or an explanation? Of course not!), welcome to the club. It turns out that it’s this thing, which further tweaks the total number of pin-head-dancing angels regarding Obama’s remarks the day after the Benghazi attack. See, we were thinking that maybe it was video of Barry saying, “Yeah, I withheld an AC-130 attack and a Delta Force rescue mission just so I could watch Ambassador Stevens die…in hi-def.” But we suppose that it is indeed possible that maybe the horrific lie that is Barack Obama might have completely unraveled if we’d had this one bit of tape to help us parse whether he meant “terrorist attack” when he said “act of terror.”

Also, Card thinks that Obama’s withholding of some of the documents in the “Fast And Furious” investigation is worthy of impeachment, and that Obama’s handling of Hurricane Sandy is objectively far more incompetent than George Bush’s handling of Katrina, and that there’s only one place we learn about these important truths:

You have to attack Fox News and sneer at them and accuse them of bias, don’t you — because they’re actually doing the job you merely pretend to do. They shame you by their genuinely balanced coverage, so you have to lie and accuse them of being what you are: ideological hacks, providing propaganda in order to advance a cause, while hiding the unhelpful truth

We should note that in Card’s nearly unreadable novel Empire, the good guy actually enlists the help of Bill O’Reilly to warn America of her mortal peril in the face of a liberal conspiracy to overthrow the government with an army of giant robots (the conspiracy is funded by a character who’s clearly a stand-in for George Soros). Yes, that is a completely accurate description of this novel, which was written as a tie-in to a video game.

We should also note that it’s perhaps understandable that Mr. Card thinks that a nation can be easily led and manipulated by a media conspiracy — after all, a central plot point of Ender’s Game involves two kids shaping planetary opinion through their highly influential posts to the novel’s version of the interwebs, and [spoiler alert!] the main character himself kind of unintentionally genocides an entire alien race because he is given a very limited stream of information by The Powers That Be. But it’s OK, because he meant well — which appears to be the only reason Orson Scott Card has left for putting up with his fellow citizens, the poor sheeple. As John Scalzi says, whatever strengths Card has as a novelist, “as a social thinker he’s far deep into my ‘oh, bless his heart‘ territory.”

And then there’s this incoherent screaming by Mary Matalin on CNN, which we somehow missed the day after the election:

Mandate? He has no mandate! What’s his mandate for? Giving ladies whore pills? MITT ROMNEY IS A GENTLEMAN YOU COMMUNIST! Obama is incredibly divisive, and I don’t care what you think!

[The Ornery American via alert Wonkette pal Doug on Facebook / CNN]

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if you’d like to maybe win a ride in a giant armored robot (we said maybe!), Doktor Zoom is on Twitter too.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 401 comments }

nounverb911 November 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

How does Carville stay married to that crone?

SorosBot November 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Cajun-style!

MissTaken November 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

My parents called me immediately after seeing her lose her shit. They just laughed and laughed.

starfanglednut November 12, 2012 at 9:22 pm

I love your parents.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Haha. You're just SAYING that, ya li'l nut. (Squeezes you)

starfanglednut November 12, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Hahahaha, Z! Cool new name and avatar!

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Geezus, they don't *like* her much, do they?

BadKitty904 November 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Van Jones, on the other hand, is pretty studmuffin-y… ;0)~

DCBloom November 12, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Yes, my thoughts exactly

YouBetcha November 12, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Yes he can.

He can any day of the week he wants. Any day, Van. You and me, baby.

starfanglednut November 12, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Alright, girls. Settle down.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Thanks for leaving the guys to sweat this through.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:28 pm

No shit. Number two on my list of guys I could make the beast with two backs wiv. GORGEOUS!

BaldarTFlagass November 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Maybe she has a prehensile vagina.

corthylio November 12, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Or just a reprehensible one?

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 6:15 pm

I p'd you, but I can't even imagine what you mean by that….

BaldarTFlagass November 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Let me just say, Bangkok. Able to pick up a Pyrex test tube with it. A real gripper, if you will.

gullywompr November 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Or the Okinawa Banana Show?

HogeyeGrex November 13, 2012 at 2:41 am
ManchuCandidate November 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Probably into the freakiest sex imaginable.

gullywompr November 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

She reads all the tips in Cosmo about keeping a man happy.

MissTaken November 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Finger in the butt?

actor212 November 12, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Yes, please!

ManchuCandidate November 12, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Whut Whut?

LionHeartSoyDog November 12, 2012 at 10:49 pm

wut

gullywompr November 12, 2012 at 5:54 pm

I now have a mental image of Matalin and Carville that I can't unsee.

Is is weird that I'm kinda turned on by it?

MissTaken November 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm

It is weird. But this is Wonkette, where weird turn-ons are the norm.

Gleem McShineys November 12, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Just a finger? I now wonder if you have just stumbled on an explanation for Carville's bald head…

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Oh god is that like the vulture thing? Why vultures are bald?

sullivanst November 12, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Sounds like a sure-fire path to divorce.

redarmyzombie November 12, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Or maybe the ones in Fox News Magazine.
http://wonkette.com/478101/fox-news-magazine-know

skmind November 12, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Librul conspiracy?

fitley November 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Action on the side.

jqheywood November 12, 2012 at 6:36 pm

The pony?

rocktonsam November 12, 2012 at 5:34 pm

simple, James doesn't let his crazy wife drive the jeep EVER

Jerri November 12, 2012 at 5:55 pm

They are equal and opposite reactions to each other, trapped in a terrifying perpetual motion machine of romance.

Have I ever told you how badly I failed physics? It was pretty terribly!

barto November 12, 2012 at 6:00 pm

couple of fifths of Makers Mark every day, I'm guessing

glasspusher November 12, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Spin the Bottle. Every time it points at her, he does another shot! Goddamn, bitter much, Mary?

memzilla November 12, 2012 at 6:07 pm

From the look of her, I'm guessing that she lost a bet to Carville that involved degrading sex acts and Craftsman® Powertools.

Not_So_Much November 12, 2012 at 6:09 pm

I presume they have a snake-ball of offspring that aren't done incubating yet?

RufusTFirefly November 12, 2012 at 8:13 pm

I'm gonna go with anal.

LionHeartSoyDog November 12, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Horrorshow woman sez wut?

Negropolis November 12, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Why, crazy, uncoventional sex, of course.

Bodeburu November 13, 2012 at 5:11 am

Is it possible to divorce a sibling?

metamarcisf November 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Writing screeds like this in the second person is no way to boost your career.

BadKitty904 November 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

It's looking like tinfoil-hat-manufacturing is going to be a growth industry in 2013. Jerb creation!

nounverb911 November 12, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Do we still have the skills for that here in Merika?

corthylio November 12, 2012 at 5:50 pm

If we can manufacture outrage, surely we can manage tin foil hats?

BaldarTFlagass November 12, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Maybe ABC should bring back that America Held Hostage show they had on during the late 70s when the Iranians occupied our embassy. Is Ted Koppel available?

SorosBot November 12, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Romney would surely have won if the media had played the Rev. Wright tape for a 1,000,001th time!

MissTaken November 12, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Still think it would be all kinds of awesome if Rev Wright gives the benediction at the inauguration.

SorosBot November 12, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Hey that was my idea!

MissTaken November 12, 2012 at 5:27 pm

And it's a good one!

ifthethunderdontgetya November 12, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I suspect Rev. Wright has about the same odds of getting that jerb as Cornel West.
~

Chet Kincaid_ November 12, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Why are those two still talking?

ifthethunderdontgetya November 12, 2012 at 6:58 pm
gullywompr November 12, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Yeah, they really need to do a better job of getting their message out there, don't they?

SorosBot November 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Besides BENGHAZI, needs moar SOLYNDRA, BILL AYERS, FAST AND FURIOUS, ACORN and of course BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

ChillBill November 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I seriously need to take a break from laughing at these idiots.

DCBloom November 12, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Yeah, the schadenfreude is getting a little much, like when you eat too much Ben & Jerry's. It still kinda tastes good though.

Grokenstein November 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Strangely enough, I haven't heard one word about Honey Boo Boo since the election.

MissTaken November 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

I heard she gave Obama three thumbs up.

sullivanst November 12, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Left, Right, and Mama?

MissTaken November 12, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Apparently, go go juice produces extra digits: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2209458
While Sugar Bear Mike, Honey Boo Boo's father, exclaims: 'That extra thumb reminds me of a Swiss Army knife.'

DCBloom November 12, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Bronco Bama girl has weighed in http://www.newser.com/story/157329/bronco-bama-gi

Stevola November 13, 2012 at 1:11 am

I hope he embraces that nickname

docterry6973 November 12, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Her work here is finished. I can say no more.

memzilla November 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

That's okay, Orson Scott Card. If it's a legitimate butthurt, the electoral body has a way of (etc.)

gullywompr November 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

It's the end of their world as they know it, and I feel fine.

Nothingisamiss November 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm

best.

cousinitt November 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

So there really is a SorosBot! If Orson wrote about it, it must be a real figment of his addled imagination.

actor212 November 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

So CBS withheld video of….an event that was televised at the time it occured?

This seems to be a recurring theme this season.

Doktor Zoom November 12, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Well, they withheld video of the portion of the 60 Minutes interview where Obama said "Well it’s too early to tell exactly how this came about, what group was involved, but obviously it was an attack on Americans," which is somehow either a lie, or a coverup, or contradicts the Rose garden statement that it was an "act of terror", making the initial statement a lie, or…

Really, fuck if I know what's supposed to be scandalous about it.

Chet Kincaid_ November 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Is that really the exact quote, Dok? Because if so, they have NO case whatsoever. Hahahaaha!!

Doktor Zoom November 12, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Ya think?

MacRaith November 12, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Yes, we liberals are evil super-geniuses who have figured out how to hide all evidence of our dastardly plots by making the evidence part of the public record.

I'm saying we just run with it. Super-villains have all the fun, after all.

SuspectedDemocrat November 12, 2012 at 6:11 pm

"I'm warning you, drop all this conspiracy nonsense or I'll send the sharks with frickin laser beams."

YouBetcha November 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm

You know, patriotic Americans know that also there is a supression of actual previously televised events of which there have been international significance in days before the election took place with Barack Hussein Obama that we are not privvy to these such events of terror that have been aired on the lamestream media also too such as, Katie.

magnabob November 12, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Carl, don't flaunt that logic!

edgydrifter November 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Never did two people deserve each other more than Carville and Matalin.

barto November 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Van Jones shoulda yelled out "where da white wimmin at?"
That woulda shut her piehole.

actor212 November 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Mind if I dance wif yo date?

Chet Kincaid_ November 12, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I don't get it.

jqheywood November 12, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Animal House reference

Chet Kincaid_ November 12, 2012 at 7:29 pm

That's not what I don't get.

Beowoof November 12, 2012 at 5:14 pm

And I thought Mormons didn't drink. Yeah right.

ChillBill November 12, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Please…the only sin the MSM committed was making it look like this was a 2-way race.

noodlesalad November 12, 2012 at 5:15 pm

The schadenfreude for this election has been so, so, so very good. I mean, so very good, Obama could fundraise another $1B just by promising to keep rubbing it in.

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 12:03 am

It's truly top-shelf schadenfreude, isn't it? I want MORE.

noodlesalad November 13, 2012 at 2:36 am

It's a smoky 12-year single malt schadenfreude that went into the oak barrels right after Bush v Gore.

SorosBot November 12, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I still don't understand how the Benghazi attack was somehow Obama's fault, or what he is alleged to have done wrong at all. Can some wingnut please explain what their conspiracy theory exactly is? Or are they just grasping at straws to find any mud they can sling at him?

gullywompr November 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

The latter.

actor212 November 12, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Failure of embassy security.

You know, the shit that Congress defunded.

Cleopatriot November 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm

And it's not an embassy. It's a consulate.

TheGyrus November 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Not even a consulate, a compound.

Doktor Zoom November 12, 2012 at 5:54 pm

And the only requests for increased security were for the actual embassy in Tripoli, so even had they been funded and granted, Benghazi would probably not have been more secure.

Defeatably_Joe November 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

BECAUSE GEORGE BUSH KEPT US SAFE FOR EIGHT 7 1/2 YEARS, UNLESS YOU COUNT ATTACKS ON US EMBASSIES.

SorosBot November 12, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Or anthrax…

HarryButtle November 12, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I tried to get my wingnut aunt to explain this "conspiracy" to me, but she couldn't. But did that stop her from posting links on Facebook to every wingnut story ever written about it? Nope. So, I kept asking her about it. Eventually she complained that I was protesting too much. I pointed out that technically, SHE was the one protesting too much. This is when she hid behind, "Oh, I don't necessarily agree with everything I post, I'm just posting articles about the candidates so everyone can get all sides of the story and make better choices."

There simply is no "there" with these people.

BaldarTFlagass November 12, 2012 at 6:40 pm

"I'm just posting articles about the candidates so everyone can get all sides of the story and make better choices."

Did you tell her that her plan succeeded?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 12, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Forget it, SorosBot. It's Butthurttown.

Callyson November 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Agreed.
No.
Yes.

Doktor Zoom November 12, 2012 at 11:48 pm

I don't know…

Could you repeat the question?

Defeatably_Joe November 13, 2012 at 1:15 am

You're not the boss of me!

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 12:04 am

They've already explained it, exactly, and it's not supposed to make sense.

Stevola November 13, 2012 at 1:16 am

When the attack happened, Obama was black.

HistoriCat November 13, 2012 at 11:28 am

This changes everything!

Lizzietish81 November 13, 2012 at 8:38 am

There were several embassy attacks during the Bush II years that were never "investigated" or even brought up by the right wing nut bags.

Double standards, etc, etc.

Slapwow November 13, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Benghazi is now just another "word" wingnuts have learned to bark out in the phonetic diarrhea that passes for rational argument. They don't know what it actually means, but they believe it has magical powers… Fortunately (?) this list of such words is only three entries long: "Soros! Solyndra! Benghazi! …uh, uh…SOROS!"

SnarkOff November 12, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Having finally achieved the ultimate goal of Obama re-election/sharia law for everybody, I, a member of the Librul MSM, can at last tell the truth: Yes, it was all a vast, carefully orchestrated conspiracy. We were all in on it, every last one of us. And we totally pulled it off. Now we're just waiting for the vats of cash and ironclad job security we were promised.

sullivanst November 12, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Well, Obama's gonna need to hire all of us to effect the total disarmament of all Real Murkans after he issues the XO repealing the second amendment…

BerkeleyBear November 12, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Hah – like he'd need to issue anything. Bush/Cheney had an NSA directive for disarming Americans set out years ago – all O would have to do is take out "brown skinned" and "foreign sounding" where appropriate.

SuspectedDemocrat November 12, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I'm hoping they'll let me personally present my overweight wingnut family members with their UN-issued bicycles.

gullywompr November 12, 2012 at 5:15 pm

This is why the GOP can't have nice things.

SuspectedDemocrat November 12, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Yes, that is a completely accurate description of this novel, which was written as a tie-in to a video game.

Available now for the Atari 2600.

alteredimages November 13, 2012 at 5:45 pm

My friends said it was a good game. But i ain't gonna play it.

weejee November 12, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Bugger all, the Lame Steam is a Formic fifth column. Who knew? So that's why they were behind banning DDT. It is all so clear now.

/ mounts propeller on tinfoil hat

sullivanst November 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Our cunning plan moves on to Phase IV.

ManchuCandidate November 12, 2012 at 5:39 pm

The bugs will have to pry the nuclear missile launcher and flame thrower from my cold dead power armor suited hands.

BadKitty904 November 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

"Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson…"

actor212 November 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Orson Scott Card complains about MSM
His name sounds like Orson Bean
Orson Bean's daughter was married to Andrew Breitbart.
ANDREW BREITBART IS A NOTED MEDIA CRITIC AND DEAD!!!!

COINCIDENCE?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?

FlownOver November 12, 2012 at 6:13 pm

And Mr. Bean is a British TV figure
And British TV figures molest children.
And Socialized Medicine, also too!

Q. E. muthafukkin' D!

cousinitt November 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Orson: What about your friend?
Mork: Eh, she spent a lot of time feeling lonely, but then she realized her best chance of going out was to be more outgoing.
Orson: That reminds me of an old Orkan saying…
Mork: Me, too, sir. "If one stays too long in his shell, he'll wind up nuts." On that same note, sir, nanu.

CrunchyKnee November 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Matalin looks and sounds like she's coming down from a three day meth binge.

TheGyrus November 12, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Let he who is not coming down from a three day meth binge cast the first stone.

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 12:06 am

**throws a goddamned boulder**

MosesInvests November 13, 2012 at 12:15 am

All right, nobody else throws any stones until *I* say so, and I don't care if he *does* say Jehovah!

1stNewtontheMoon November 12, 2012 at 5:49 pm

her rage has the same kind of no-sleep effect.

OneYieldRegular November 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

She makes Diane Sawyer's election night performance looks like a Sunday school picnic.

Native_of_SL_UT November 12, 2012 at 9:35 pm

I think Mary was overdosing on free contraceptives.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Not like she *needs* 'em. Her punim is a contraceptive, fer crying out.

BaldarTFlagass November 12, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Ahahahaha! What a card!

Dr_Zoidberg November 12, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I want to laugh and bathe myself in the tears of the wing-nuts, but I am almost saddened by their refusal to face reality.

BaldarTFlagass November 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

I used to be disgusted, now I just try to be amused.

trampndirtdown November 12, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Well at least you won't get any older.

ManchuCandidate November 12, 2012 at 5:37 pm

It's not a new thing for them.

Nothingisamiss November 12, 2012 at 5:42 pm

It's true. It scares me yet makes me happy.

memzilla November 12, 2012 at 6:03 pm

I'm saddened by their refusal to accept reality, too…

for about three seconds!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *srfle* *glink* *boit* *kloon*

(Don Martin sound effects can only convey 1/100th of my glee!)

BaldarTFlagass November 12, 2012 at 6:42 pm

What The Potrzebie?!?!?!

memzilla November 12, 2012 at 10:54 pm

I've got enough snark in my furshlugginer veeblefetzer to choke a poiuyt!

Dashboard Buddha November 12, 2012 at 7:00 pm

I'm saddened by their refusal to face reality mostly because so many of them are armed.

trampndirtdown November 12, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Dashboard Buddha November 12, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Funny thing about that (one or many, I'm sure) is that the Darwin they refuse to recognize is taking care of the really dumb ones.

TootsStansbury November 12, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I thought it had finally dawned on at least some of them that living in an alternate reality mightn't be such a good idea.

The new and improved conservative bubble! Now with twice the crazy!

ManchuCandidate November 12, 2012 at 5:20 pm

The two biggest plot holes in the novel:
1) Sorry folks, but kids make lousy strategists and tacticians
2) "Their (intertubes) essays are soon taken seriously by people at the highest positions of power in the government." Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!

Defeatably_Joe November 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm
ManchuCandidate November 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Pretty much. Otherwise, I enjoyed the novel (mind you I read this when I was pimply fat faced 15 year old.)

Doktor Zoom November 12, 2012 at 6:12 pm

kids make lousy strategists and tacticians

Yabbut, yabbut, yabbut Ender was like all genetically engineered and watched for his amazing strategic skills, yanno?

ManchuCandidate November 12, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Still seems way way way out in left field unless they hooked him up to one of those learning machines from the Forever War which crammed humanity's entire knowledge of war into a human mind within a month.

Plus there are plenty of adult military commanders (and Dick "Dick" Cheney) who didn't give a shit about losing soldiers lives.

memzilla November 12, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Mary Matalin has the same pharmacist as Dame Peggington, obvs, but Mary — Follow Dame P's advice and switch to vodka, cause the bourbon is keeping you mean.

Botlrokit November 12, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I wish they'd show how much she drinks in those commercials.

sullivanst November 12, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Gin libel!

415buzzard November 12, 2012 at 6:14 pm

She seems pretty hyper, like she's cooking her own meth. And what's up with her red nose? Is it just the pure rage turning her colors?

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Okay, she's either hot flashing or PMSing, but geez…..

Loch_Nessosaur November 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Today on, All My Butthurt, Bamz and CBS News plays a cruel trick on the nation to get Bamz re-elected. While back in LaJolla, Miffed, still in a catatonic stupor, sits in his car elevator staring at the wall. Nobody cares.

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 6:26 pm

It goes up, it goes down…

trampndirtdown November 12, 2012 at 7:20 pm

You can't explain it.

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 12:09 am

Suddenly, he puts the keys in the ignition, Ann none the wiser…

Geminisunmars November 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

I can haz some Van Jones?

cognachas4paws November 12, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Me, too! Me, too!

BadKitty904 November 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Dibs!

thebeatgoeson November 12, 2012 at 9:26 pm

That man is FINE!

Gayer_Than_Thou November 12, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Although I am not technically a white woman, if he wants to come for me, what can I do?

Nothingisamiss November 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

CANNOT GET ENUF.

Safe in Berekley, free from the dead eyed gamma rays of my dirty (douchbag) south.

Callyson November 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Go Bears!

As a Cal alum, I am almost as happy about Prop 30 passing as I am about Obama. Which means the CA haters on HuffPo are losing their shit…

Ah, another beautiful day…

cognachas4paws November 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

No, the media did not do that. The VOTERS did. It turns out we are not as stupid as the GOP thinks we are. This is what happens when the people who think they're the smartest in the room are actually…not.

SmutBoffin November 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

I AM A AMERICA PATRIOT AND I WILL NOT BE WATCHING THESE MEDIA ANYMORE EXCEPT FOR THE LOCAL NEWS TO SEE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL SCORES AND MAYBE AN ATTRACTIVE LADY INTERVIEWING A LOCAL RESIDENT ABOUT LOCAL POTHOLES (THANKS OBAMA!!!!) AND THEN EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND COMES ON

#WAR

Designer_Rants November 12, 2012 at 5:49 pm

So you're the person that sends my relative all those chain emails?

SmutBoffin November 12, 2012 at 6:01 pm

ROMNAY WOULD HAVE ONE THE ELECTION IF YOU HAD LIKED MY f.b. STATUS B+OBAMA UTOPIFYING SOCAILISM IS NOT MY WAY MR. PRESIDENT

LEARN HO 2 USE THE F******ING INTERNET!!!!

barto November 12, 2012 at 6:06 pm

You misspelled SCOLIASTISM, moran!

trampndirtdown November 12, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Needz moar I CHECKED IT ON SNOPES AND IT"S TOTALLY TRUE!!!!!!

GoodDogThor November 12, 2012 at 7:43 pm

…now forward this to all the people you know.

ChillBill November 12, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I wish somebody had warned me about Wolf Blitzer on that video. Worse than getting Rickrolled.

skmind November 12, 2012 at 5:24 pm

This was actually one election where if Romney had listened to the librul media, he'd found out that FOX "News" was really, and I mean that in the nicest possible way, full of shit.

How full of shit, you ask?

They were unskewing internal polls!

Geminisunmars November 12, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Now I get it. James Carville and Mary Matalin were the last two people on earth.

Botlrokit November 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm

To be fair, he's hard to look at, too.

SayItWithWookies November 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm

She's told him that if he divorces her she'll never give him the potion that turns him back into a human.

Designer_Rants November 12, 2012 at 5:40 pm

He should embrace his individuality. Not EVERYONE gets to be a walking, talking, Cajun skeleton.

Botlrokit November 12, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Did you see that interview? She's not human anyway!

Seriously, she seems to be a confusing woman. James has to be wondering "When did my sweet bride turn into this bitch I married?"

Weedlord BonerHitler November 13, 2012 at 12:24 am

He was human?

Doktor Zoom November 12, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I couldn't find a place for it, but I liked the line from a recent Wait Wait Don't Tell Me: "She's a staunch Republican, and he's a naked snapping turtle."

TribecaMike November 12, 2012 at 5:55 pm

That's it. I hereby renounce my Earthboundness.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 10:32 pm

THERE you are! How are you doing? You OK?

Thurman Munster IV November 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Next on The Twatlight Zone

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 12:11 am

Comment of the Year, and I mean it, too.

Geminisunmars November 13, 2012 at 8:03 am

Coming from you, that makes me very happy.

MiniMencken November 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Listening to Matalin, it is easy to see how the Republicans lost. I beleive in the South it's called "drinking your own bathwater."

gullywompr November 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Here at the Wompr Institute, we call it "eating your own shit". We have a department to come up with sayings like that.

Baconzgood November 12, 2012 at 5:26 pm

So many butt hertz. So few splintery broom handles.

SayItWithWookies November 12, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Oh, that Mary Matalin — I'd just love to bottle her and sell her in stores. To keep raccoons from rooting through garbage cans, among other uses.

gullywompr November 12, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I think I saw that on Etsy.

Botlrokit November 12, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Fine, we get it. Your side lost. You're angry.

Other than the blatantly obvious answer of "because Mitt couldn't buy votes after all", why is this Obama's fault?

Blendergoathead November 12, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Personally, I'm fine with having another civil war. But this time, we're not going to just shame them, we'll put them down for good. With votes, of course.

edit: Oh, wait, we just did that, with votes. Suck it, GOP.

Designer_Rants November 12, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Last time they thought they had us with their cotton. This time, I don't think they have anything we want.

Baconzgood November 12, 2012 at 5:29 pm

…then he lied about the lie he lied about lying about while he way laying.

Tommmcatt_Again November 12, 2012 at 5:31 pm

When did Mary Matalin become an expert, and, more to the point, how?

I do not think the word "expert" means what you think it does.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2012 at 6:06 pm

To be fair, she worked in the White House…10 years ago during the run up to the Iraq War. If anyone should be an expert on lying to the public, it's her.

BaldarTFlagass November 12, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I think pundits should have a shorter shelf life, like NFL players. Sure, Steve Young was a pretty damn good quarterback 20 years ago, but he really wouldn't be very effective if you threw him out on the gridiron this coming Sunday.

neiltheblaze November 12, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Wow – she's looking worse than Bay Buchanan in that still photo.

But I didn't look at the clip. I tried – and I couldn't make it past Wolf Blitzer blaming Obama for "failing to form a coalition with Republicans". I felt sorry for Van Jones having to talk to such a fucking imbecile – and one who is so in the tank he should have "Property of Ronald Regan's Dick" stenciled on his ass.

I immediately thought "Right! THAT'S why I won't watch CNN" – and clicked it off. Can't do it. I'll just take your word for it that it's a bunch of screeching. I've heard it before. I know how it goes.

Geminisunmars November 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm

But it was worth it to see Van Jones giving Matalin (and Volfie) the patented Romney pity-stare.

neiltheblaze November 12, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Maybe I'll soldier up and watch it if there's a good payoff.

Geminisunmars November 12, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Well, watching Matalin was rather schadenfreudingly enjoyable, but I loves me some Mr Jones.

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Oh, you should watch it, just for the flush of raginess on Matalin's face….and for her logic of : "My man was a gentle man, while your fucking asshole was rude", with absolutely no clue how she was behaving…..priceless….

Biel_ze_Bubba November 12, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Sorry — I tried, but I could not take more than about 20 seconds of the bitch.

Chet Kincaid_ November 12, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Soledad and Anderson Cooper are the only CNNers that aren't blithering idiots.

Wilcoxyz November 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

I know these folks are a bit cranky right now, but shouldn't we get started on repealing the 22nd amendment so Hopey can have a third term?

1stNewtontheMoon November 12, 2012 at 5:54 pm

you know if we just faked like that was the plan, they'd spend the next two and a half years throwing gobs of time and money to make sure that it didn't happen when they should be focused on finding a sentient human who will give them a snowball's chance in hell of not getting curb-stopped by someone other than Barack in 2016.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 12, 2012 at 7:53 pm

OMG, can you imagine the exploding heads if we were able to convince them that we were going to pull a Bloomberg on them? Impossible to actually do it, of course, but they're too dumb (and fact-resistant) for that little detail to get in the way.

Designer_Rants November 12, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Precisely why it would work! We'll just tell them that in those 20bazillion pages of the ACA, we repealed the term limits, and now Obummer doesn't even have to run a campaign – he just gets grandfathered in. Then Karl Rove would be all "Count the ballots in Ohio!", and Megyn would be all "Awkwaaaard!" and then our liberal plant in their counting room would say "Yep. Obummer wins another term! Sorry Megyn."

bikerlaureate November 12, 2012 at 8:27 pm

You've got this all figgered out.

Alternatively – since ACORN stole this election, Bronco wasn't really truly elected… so he can be elected for only the second time in 2016.

Bwah hah hah.

starfanglednut November 12, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Actually, they're talking about it already. I read it in some comments on some stupid right wing site. I forget which one.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Newt Gingrich apparently "accidentally" released an email (which got picked up by RawStory) indicating that 2016 Bammerz run was wut GOP needs to fear most. We don't have to conspire against them, they're doing it themselves.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Best idea I've heard all week.

Cleopatriot November 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

This is not ending any time soon, is it? I don't think they understand how entertaining it is, or they'd stop.

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

No, the response is 100% how Rmoney was too moderate, too lefty, and not enough caveman give me back the car keys so I can go to the bank and withdraw all our money, bitch….

Designer_Rants November 12, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Now they're trying to secede. Haha! http://gawker.com/5959719/we-the-people-petitions

starfanglednut November 12, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Oh god. This time, let's let 'em!

Come here a minute November 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Sadly, this is as close as the wingnuts ever get to science.

not that Dewey November 12, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Was Mary Matalin all out of Jeeps?

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Man, she was as melty-downy as it GETS! I wonder wut she does when her spawn acts the same way?

not that Dewey November 12, 2012 at 9:40 pm

She commissions a bad Fauvist painting of them.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Bleah. I coulda lived the rest of my life without that sight, Dok. You *could* warn a body, yaknow. Gadz, they're hideous.

Sorry. Shallow, trivial, looksist. But I don't have to fuck 'em and I shouldn't care.

StillGoinGreen November 12, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Thanks be to Jesus that Gentleman Mitt laid out a foundation for all conservatards to follow for years to come… lie your ass off and get slaughtered in the general election. I, for one, like it!

Designer_Rants November 12, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Well, I'm just glad that this Card person is reminding us not just of Benghazi, but of several other crimes against humanity committed by your Dear Leader, Barack Hussein Obama.

^ ^ Did I do that right? Been reading a lot of this crap lately with all the butthurting (and LOOOOVING it!)

Gleem McShineys November 12, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Your recipe is a little light on the impotent fury.
Keep working on it, and I Can't Believe It's Not Wingnut Shadenfreude might be as delicious as the original.

Designer_Rants November 12, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Well, those ones are the funniest to emulate, but sometimes you read the "Wingnut Sophisticate" version of a comment on NRO or other wingnut site and it's all grammatically correct yet still factually appalling…

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Honestly, we're so pathetic, sometimes. (Snickers meanly, digs D_R in the ribs)

WaltFrench November 12, 2012 at 5:37 pm

After looking for an antonym to Schadenfreude, none seems apt.

Who has a word for “pompous, self-righteous despair?”

BadKitty904 November 12, 2012 at 5:44 pm

There's so many – Joewalsh, Allenwest, etc.

Callyson November 12, 2012 at 6:03 pm

"Republican."

GoodDogThor November 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Glenn Beck

bikerlaureate November 12, 2012 at 8:29 pm

I know this one… it's akin to the name of a misogynist loser…

CalamityJames November 12, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Wow, that Matalin chick talks real good, what with being deaf and all. What? Oh, sorry, she talks well.

BadKitty904 November 12, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Deaf only to reason…

Lot_49 November 12, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Matalin's so worried about women getting free "birth controls" and you have to wonder why. Surely she and the Lizard King never did the nasty.

Aridzona November 12, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Ah, but they did. And their spawn was Paul Ryan.

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Yeah, what was that about? Obama's entire platform was free birth control – wow!….some spokesperson for the party, here….just Shade and then some Freude….and a little more Shade…and some Freude….I don't need anything, just this lamp….and nothing else…just this lamp and….

HateMachine November 12, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Yes, that is a completely accurate description of this novel, which was written as a tie-in to a video game.

That was a decent video game, though. Wait, no, that game was cancelled. The game that was made as a tie-in to the would-be-tie-in novel (yes, this chronology is exhausting) was damn good, gameplay-wise, and the devs have since cut ties with Card. As in, he doesn't get to write novels in their alt-history anymore.

It's called Shadow Complex, if anyone's interested (only downsides are that the big bad is a complete Cobra Commander ripoff, which may not be a downside. Also, the allegedly librul terrorist conspiracy has San Fran staked out as its first target, which, uh?)

La_Cieca November 12, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Beauty hint for La Matalin: blusher isn't perishable, so don't feel like you have to use up the whole container for just one application.

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm

That was hot flashing or PMS (pretty mad shit)…

La_Cieca November 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm

She has a argument of aggression and assertion and awful alliteration.

bibliotequetress November 12, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Arrogance and anomaly also!

Geminisunmars November 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm

And she is an arrogant asshole.

AncienReggie November 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Funny. For a long time there, i was truly afraid that I (along with my fellow-travelers and Wonkelettes) was tons "wiser than the American people." Then we had that election thing, and it turns out I was only wiser than about 48 percent of the American people.

Color me relieved.

Defeatably_Joe November 12, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Americans don’t vote to reelect a commander-in-chief who abandons our soldiers and agents and ambassadors when they’re under enemy fire.

No, presumably Americans vote instead to elect someone who would decide to bombard our soldiers and agents and ambassadors with massive friendly fire via C130 ordinance, in such a position.

OT, but speaking of which, here's a little fun to keep the tin foil hat brigade, myself included, occupied for a bit. Rove's involved, so I'd honestly be totally surprised if this was completely off-base.

qwerty42 November 12, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Oh dear dog. If I end up ranting like this Card guy in my last days, someone should just pull the plug and try to remember when I was sane. Jeebus.

1stNewtontheMoon November 12, 2012 at 5:44 pm

did Mary get past "D" in her thesaurus under "asshole, acting like an"?

she and carville can go get bent on each other forever. speaks volumes to the true nature of a likable asshat like carville that freely decides to marry such an awful, awful person like her.

Eve8Apples November 12, 2012 at 5:44 pm

The only thing that would make me happier than listening to those lunatic freaks come unhinged is if we could somehow run Obama in 2016 so he could kick their assess one last time. How about a Biden/Obama ticket or a Hillary/Hopey ticket?

Geminisunmars November 12, 2012 at 6:09 pm

I'd be down with a Van Jones/Elizabeth Warren ticket, myself.

PubOption November 12, 2012 at 7:38 pm

A similar trick worked for Putin.

One_Man_Band November 12, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Instead of "Part Douche", I would like you to actually number these installments for realz, so that in four years we can see "Part 416" or whatever, and be all "Look at how our little child has grown!"

Doktor Zoom November 12, 2012 at 6:56 pm

That would take far more organizational competence than any Wonketter possesses.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 12, 2012 at 7:05 pm

We count good! One, two, eleventy, four score, fiverty Brazillion…, um Q, purple, two thousandish…

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 11:27 pm

You forgot the radishes.

Also too, giraffes in the bathtub.

Designer_Rants November 12, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Dude, just open up Excel and type a "1" and then hit "Return" every time you make one of these posts. Then highlight the entire column; click "autosum", and you know how many you've done!

This concludes the width and breadth of my Excel knowledge.

Callyson November 12, 2012 at 5:46 pm

and does he provide a link or an explanation? Of course not!

Why should he be any different from the rest of the brainless trolls on HuffPo?

Callyson November 12, 2012 at 5:48 pm

They shame you by their genuinely balanced coverage

No comment–just howls of laughter.

Shit, I'm not even done reading this post, and my sides are already sore from the LMFAO moments the wingnuts are so generously providing…

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 12, 2012 at 6:00 pm

That one really made me laugh, also too. They don't shame me, but I am ashamed of them.

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Genuine…..that's another word for….Faux…isn't it? Freedom isn't Free, sheeple….

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 11:28 pm

It's a TARP!!! They're trying to kill us from larfingk.

Defeatably_Joe November 12, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Yes, that is a completely accurate description of this novel, which was written as a tie-in to a video game.

Even better, the video game predates the book, and the IP is owned by the video game company, so OSC is basically reduced to writing (admittedly licensed!) video game fan-fiction. That knowledge is honestly its own reward.

Ground Zero Mostel November 12, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I'm confused. Is "elites" another word for Latinos? Because that's who put Barackito back in the Casa Blanca.

Geminisunmars November 12, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Los Elitos?

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Shhhh – do you want to keep electing Democrats for the rest of the century or not?…..

Designer_Rants November 12, 2012 at 11:16 pm

GOP (as read by Haley Barber): "Weer sorrah, blacks n messcans. We jus' get all confoozed an' hatey when we see y'all lookin' all not-white 'n' all. Y'all unnerstan', right? No hard feelinz?"

Callyson November 12, 2012 at 5:51 pm

"so where do you see bipartisan cooperation going, if at all?"

Oh, the look of hate on Matalin's face…what a beautiful sight…

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 7:08 pm

She's going to take her dolls and go home, fuck this politics stuff….fuck Washington, fuck the country, just fuck…..

Eve8Apples November 12, 2012 at 5:52 pm

The GOP doesn't have a "demographics problem," they have a "disconnect from reality problem" and "an ate too much lead paint as a toddler problem."

starfanglednut November 12, 2012 at 9:57 pm

A "shoved crayon very, very far up nose" problem.

Callyson November 12, 2012 at 5:53 pm

"Frankly, Mitt Romney sounded a much better tone than you just did, Mary"

Oh, snap!

SuspectedDemocrat November 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm

"That's because he's a gentleman" doesn't seem like a very good comeback, IMHO.

Callyson November 12, 2012 at 5:57 pm

"I'm proud of Mitt Romney…he ran a campaign of conviction"

ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!! ROTFLMAO!!!

/Jesus, someone get me a breathing machine…I'm starting to gasp for air…

starfanglednut November 12, 2012 at 9:57 pm

FFS?

mingey November 12, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Oh noes! Lee Atwater's protegee has the vapors over the Democrats' incivility! I guess a veteran of George Bush's 1988 campaign would have to know a divisive, vicious operation when she sees it.

1stNewtontheMoon November 12, 2012 at 6:26 pm

She's so Lee Atwater that she even recanted Lee's death-bed recantation of his parade of horribles.

"Yeah, but Lee was sick and dying…and cancer makes people do fucked up things. Lee loved the same kind of vicious soulless borderline treasonous shit that I make money doing."

mingey November 12, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I think this video is further evidence that she regards critical self-reflection as some pussy-ass bullshit.

Meadow58 November 12, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Mary is looking so much like Madame these days…. come to think of it…. I've never seen them in the same room …..

http://www.tvacres.com/images/puppets_madame.jpg

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 12, 2012 at 5:58 pm

"Americans don’t vote to reelect a commander-in-chief who abandons our soldiers and agents and ambassadors when they’re under enemy fire."

But I'm sure Mr. Card thinks sending troops to a war based on lies and without proper equipment etc is just fine.

RelicOven November 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Someone get this lady a fainting couch and a tumbler of gin, I think she needs to unwind for a bit.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm

You needed to mention the horrifyingly bad "Iron Man" mini-series Card wrote for Marvel's Ultimate Comics line a few years back. Oh my God was it awful.

redarmyzombie November 12, 2012 at 7:08 pm

I just tried reading the synopsis on Wikipedia.

Good. Fucking. God.

1stNewtontheMoon November 12, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Mary Matalin, joining us from Houston, Harris County, Texas which Obama carried for the second time in a row after not once supporting a democratic presidential candidate in an election since LBJ. Eat a whole bag of dicks, Mary, or your husband.

TribecaMike November 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm

For the love of Allah, don't tell her that Mayor Annise Danette Parker has the gay!

qwerty42 November 12, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Geeze, just listened to the Matalin piece. She sounds as though she is ready to start screaming. The "no mandate" stuff has been a theme some of the Republicans have been pushing. Sure. That's why Boehner had a conference call with his members:
…Their party lost, badly, Mr. Boehner said, and while Republicans would still control the House and would continue to staunchly oppose tax rate increases as Congress grapples with the impending fiscal battle, they had to avoid the nasty showdowns that marked so much of the last two years.

Exhausted66 November 12, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Would the gentleman like to tell another birther joke?

LeathrTuscadero November 12, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I'd like to put Van Jones on the table. I'd like to birther his baby. I'd like to let him into my demographic cul-de-sac. I'd like to… ah, eff it. Mary M. just started talking and I lost it

BZ1 November 12, 2012 at 6:06 pm

"Better angels in the Republican party." How quaint.

TribecaMike November 12, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Just hasta be talking about Moroni.

Dudleydidwrong November 12, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Hell's angels. Gotta be.

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 12:22 am

Motorcycle gang libel!

Guppy November 12, 2012 at 6:08 pm

That remark, which was not included in the "60 Minutes" package that first aired on Sept. 23,

NEWS FLASH: Entire 60 Minutes audience old enough to remember what a "news flash" is, was probably already voting Romney anyway.

MinAgain November 12, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Ender's Lame.

bibliotequetress November 12, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Mary Mary Mary…
I know this is usually done only when playing a debate drinking game, but for the next four years WHENEVER I hear a republican accuse Obama of being uncooperative I'm going to take a drink. And I start my day at 5:30 AM listening to to news.

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Sounds like a prescription for a very bad liver, but you have my blessing…

TribecaMike November 12, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Some advice on making the perfect turkey burger would've been thoughtful.

trampndirtdown November 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Well first you have to grind up some turkeys. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJd_vm9VhpU Warning Palin ahead.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Jezus, Mike, all she has to do is *look* at a turkey with that expression, and, voila! Instant flame-broiled turkey burger. Getcher own goddamn buns.

Guppy November 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm

This is only phase 1 of the Great National Butthurt. Phase 2 begins on December 17, in 35 days. Mark your calendars!

(Seriously, a little surprised the Teabaggers/Paultards/etc. haven't start making noise about swaying the Electoral College yet.)

ttommyunger November 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Mary was wearing her cranky panties because CNN dared to put her on with a blah. BTW, had planned to fap later, but doubt I'll be able to coax my peen out of my belly for a day or two after seeing that face, and I don't mean Wolf or Vann.

synykyl November 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm

So, that's their new line? Obama won because he went negative? Does Matalin think we have all been sleeping for the past 40 years, while the Republicans did exactly what she is accusing the Democrats of doing? If she wants to see mendacious and divisive, she should look in a mirror.

SorosBot November 12, 2012 at 6:21 pm

You would think the name Willie Horton would ring a bell, considering she worked on that herself.

LibrarianX November 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Wait, CBS has porn???

C_R_Eature November 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm

The Modern Conservative Movement: To Stand Athwart Reality Yelling Stop!

gullywompr November 12, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Moar butthurt. If you've ever been to Bedford, Va, you'll think that this guy is probably a local hero now.

TribecaMike November 12, 2012 at 6:22 pm

When did folks start bragging about being wusses?

LibrarianX November 12, 2012 at 6:18 pm

A vast left-wing conspiracy….

petulant_pony November 12, 2012 at 6:18 pm

I thought Ender's Game was overrated. I read it because it was "acclaimed", but found it so sophomoric that I never read any more Scott. Here's one more reason not to. There are so, so many better SF writers (like Scalzi).

C_R_Eature November 12, 2012 at 6:19 pm

There's one important thing that the Republican Party will learn, that General Petraeus has learned all too well:

Erections have Consequences.

gullywompr November 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

BIG consequences…..

C_R_Eature November 12, 2012 at 6:34 pm

That's What She…. Oh, never mind.

FlownOver November 12, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Stand by for the House's impeachment resolution, over the Broadwell conspiracy and cover-up, in five… four… three…

BaldarTFlagass November 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

I saw Wolf Blitzer at the movies this afternoon. He told James Bond, after a night of partying on a Turkish beach, to go back to London. Adventure ensued!

LibertyLover November 12, 2012 at 6:42 pm

I, for one, welcome the depiction of the end of the world in a James Naughton painting.

LibertyLover November 12, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Right now, I am searching for the words of comfort that my Republican friends bestowed upon me in 2004, after the stunning defeat of John Kerry…. what were those words of comfort, you ask? I believe I wrote them down because they were so profound… here they are, in my pocket:

"Get over it!"

There, now, feel better Republicans. I do.

bikerlaureate November 12, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Now that was a campaign. Good thing W and the GOP didn't "go negative"…

Or stoke fear, for that matter.

oenspiek November 12, 2012 at 11:51 pm

That's what you get for having Republican friends.

savethispatient November 12, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Of course, if you're feeling butt-hurt, you could pick up your ball and leave.

Dashboard Buddha November 12, 2012 at 6:59 pm
Dashboard Buddha November 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm

I thought Mary Maitlen is a deaf actress.

NellCote71 November 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Sounds like she has been sipping from the same martini vat as Pegs and Diane and that crazy lady who said the f-word for 34 minutes.

fuflans November 12, 2012 at 6:58 pm

looks like mary's been dipping into that maker's mark she's been peddling.

Dr. Nick Riviera November 12, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I just can't stop stuffing my face at the trough of Rightwing despair. If schadenfreude had calories, Springer would be on the way to his place with a tractor to knock down my wall and roll me to the fat farm as we speak

glasspusher November 12, 2012 at 8:09 pm

BEEFCAKE!

Noah_Hegemon November 12, 2012 at 7:12 pm

It'll take years for them to realize that 2+ 2 < 5.

Dr. Nick Riviera November 12, 2012 at 7:13 pm

The two lines out of WSJ and Fox seem to be Obama won by OUTSPENDING Romney and supressing the vote by making him look bad.

decentcitizen November 12, 2012 at 7:14 pm

He's right that the media is a font of propaganda but not of what or for the reason he thinks. He exhibits the clear-mindedness that I expect out of Mormon sci-fi writers.

redarmyzombie November 12, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Gee, Mr. Card, it seems to me that Real Americans don't think the same way you do!

Go eat a bag of rat dicks, douchebag. And no, they WON'T be cooked.

redarmyzombie November 12, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Say, is Ender's Game really as good as people keep telling me? Cause from what I understand, it just sounds 'Meh' to me, and after the slew of shit that followed afterwards I *really* don't want to hear anything he has to say…

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 12:29 am

I think he does an excellent job at hitting on emotional cues, I'll give him that. At least the stuff I read was insanely emotionally deep, which is what seperates it from your average piece of science fiction.

cybermoe November 12, 2012 at 7:26 pm

I miss Mitt.

corthylio November 12, 2012 at 8:13 pm

"I still believe in the people of America. And so Ann and I join with you to earnestly pray for this great nation,..

HE STILL BELIEVES IN US AMERCIA, SHEEPLE!!1!

Biel_ze_Bubba November 12, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Orson Scott Card has spent waaaay too much time away from earth.

corthylio November 12, 2012 at 8:07 pm

I'm kinda tired of all this wingnut whining- the only Elephant Talk I really like is of the King Crimson variety…

glasspusher November 12, 2012 at 8:13 pm

You're in luck, Mary! Today's self-help topic is: Coping with Bitterness.

…if your luck continues, tomorrow's might be: Adding substance to your arguments.

prommie November 12, 2012 at 8:23 pm

I gave up science fiction at exactly the same time I gave up Vonnegut. Its not some kind of culturally transmitted judgment or pretentiousness, its just, like, discovering, now that Sci Fi and Vonngut had opened the door for me, that there was so much more much DEEPER thinking going on out there.

I think it comes down to this: identifying the flaws in society and complaining about them, is, well, pretty easy and boring. Imagining, just fantasizing, about other societies without those flaw, thats also pretty easy and also pretty head-up-your-ass. But examining with rigorous scientific analysis the causes of the flaws in society and trying to come up with practical and possible and feasible and implementable improvements, thats really really really fucking hard. Especially just accepting that any improvement can only ever be incremental and just a single battle in a never ending back and forth battle.

Doktor Zoom November 13, 2012 at 12:05 am

Might I suggest maybe some Ursula K. LeGuin, maybe? She's done some outstanding stuff…I'm especially fond of The Left Hand of Darkness which is all kinds of awesome, and focuses far less on the whiz-bang space opera stuff and more on the sociological — in this case, the question of how humans with no fixed gender might organize themselves.

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 1:20 am

I liked LeGuin, if my vague memories of her from the '70s and '80s are reliable. I believe I read "The Dispossessed", "The Lathe Of Heaven" and The Earthsea Trilogy (fantasy). Thoughtful, humanist, intelligent stuff, enhanced by a woman's perspective.

I stopped reading science fiction pretty much by the early '80s, becoming more interested in "real world" literature. I didn't, and still don't, know enough about the world I live in to spend much more of my reading time in constructed worlds. I wish sci-fi no ill will, and there's great stuff in the genre. (Back in the day, "sf" vs. "sci-fi" was something to fistfight about — remember FIAWOL vs. FIJAGDH?) But science fiction is a pretty big catch-all for a lot of different tendencies, the most lucrative of which are the most juvenile.

prommie November 13, 2012 at 10:57 am

Sounds like we went through similar phases of reading.

sati_demise November 13, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Reintroduce yourself to Vonnegut by reading his last book 'Man Without a Country'. You will not regret this.

prommie November 12, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Obama's crime is his abetting, allowing, the continued complete control over the US economy by the Federal Reserve-Goldman Sachs Complex, with no prosecution of their prior crimes, no effort to reign in their continuing crimes, simply nothing but, dick sucking, frankly.

glasspusher November 12, 2012 at 8:27 pm

I'm going to have to go ahead and agree with you there. A little prosecution would have been nice.

decentcitizen November 12, 2012 at 11:48 pm

At least when Obama's bought, he's bought and paid for.

Chet Kincaid_ November 12, 2012 at 10:32 pm

You never go Full Troll, Proms.

prommie November 13, 2012 at 10:58 am

Well fuck man its undeniable, the finance industry owns the government, both fucking parties.

Doktor Zoom November 12, 2012 at 11:50 pm

And to think, there were AC-130 gunships less than an hour's flight away!

Chet Kincaid_ November 13, 2012 at 1:37 am
ckinsobe November 12, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I would have watched more but at 3:14 I felt like Mary was going to reach out of the TV and strangle me, after her head spun around a full 360 turn.

I ran out of the room, sniveling.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I don't blame you. Even days later, after multiple watchings, I cringe.

FeloniousMonk November 12, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I look forward to anticipate your followup on secession petitions. Apparently the one in Texas has reached the threshold requiring a response from the administration. (When on earth did that rule get put in place? And why? And what were they smoking?) I hope the response is "Go fuck yourselves, you crybabies", but I shall probably be disappointed.

Callyson November 12, 2012 at 8:50 pm

requiring a response from the administration

"OK, as long as you let the decent Texans emigrate back to the US. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Bye now!"

MosesInvests November 13, 2012 at 12:50 am

Uh, if you look at a map of how each county voted, ALL the major cities in Texas-Austin, Dallas, El Paso, Houston, San Antonio-went blue. Not to mention the entire Rio Grande Valley. In a few more years, between educated white folks, black folks and Latinos, the Repubs are screwed here.

Callyson November 13, 2012 at 1:13 am

From your lips to God's ears…

glamourdammerung November 12, 2012 at 9:06 pm

If the only way you can logically justify any of your political stances involves elaborate conspiracy theories, there may just be a problem. And it is not the Kenyan hypnotizing people with television-based mind control lasers.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Hay, Guise? Guise? Nobody here, huh. Dammit.

FeloniousMonk November 12, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Nah, just didn't recognize our cosy little Mittborg. Admitting your kinship to Steely Dan, are you?

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I wonder how a knitted cosy would look on that thang?

Hey, wut? WUT? I'm a tad more fragile, do you mind.

D'you like it? I have another one, if you don't.

FeloniousMonk November 12, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Well, hugs with that would be … a new thing for me. Probably for Carville, too. I'd no idea he has a fanbase here. I've always liked him since I learned he got his political start working on a campaign for Price Le Blanc, best known around here as a car salesman who said daaahlin' a lot. I see starfanglednut has caught on too, so it'll soon be just like old times. (Yesterday.)

Weedlord BonerHitler November 13, 2012 at 3:52 am

I'll be careful, I promise. (Hugs Felonious)

FeloniousMonk November 13, 2012 at 2:01 am

Damn. I always hated history. I should have listened to Joe Smoe. (Mr Turk, the Sick Man Of Europe.)

GeneralLerong November 13, 2012 at 12:13 am

Occasionally I take a break from orbiting Neptune and pause to wonder about the family history of this august and revered name.

Any relation to the BongHitlers, through a Japanese marriage, perhaps?

Weedlord BonerHitler November 13, 2012 at 12:23 am

Anything's possible, in this world, General. Although I rather suspect the BongHitlers were a Szechwanese Jewish branch, quite honestly. Nothing like seeing the Hand of Fatma amid Chinese ideographs to hone one's sense of the ludicrous.

bobbert November 13, 2012 at 12:49 am

At one point in the campaign, the Rmoney guys ran what I guess you'd call a "web event", where they set up some label printers and then drove them with input from regular folks on the web. These were like name-tag labels on a RMONEY 2012 base label. Then they pointed cameras at the printers and put the camera output on the website, so people could watch their Romney labels being printed.

Yes. They really did that. With no ID or authentication. There were very many labels on the theme of weed and boners, and some Hitler, and before they shut the works down, there was "Weedlord Bonerhitler". It was possibly the stupidest political gimmick I've ever seen. But unintentionally hilarious.

Negropolis November 12, 2012 at 10:44 pm

I was so disappointed to hear about Orson Scott Card some years back. I loved his science fiction series when I was younger and more stupid, easily tricked by anything with spaceships and aliens in it. I read the damned Homecoming series, and most of the Ender saga.

ibwilliamsi November 12, 2012 at 10:55 pm

I wish I could get worked up about Benghazi, because it is indeed a tragedy that we lost those people and that our security failed us. I have to say that the more they beat this drum, the less I care.

All I can say is that it took a lot less time to get from Benghazi to an illicit affair than it did to get from Vince Foster to a cigar. Let's hope we can call it done now and not waste $40,000,000 to find out what we already know – the President can't be everywhere all at once, and sometimes things go wrong.

iburl November 12, 2012 at 10:55 pm

The seven stages of "My Li'l Pony" tolerance
1) Funny
2) Cute
3) Dumb
4) Annoying
5) Aggravating
6) Stabbing desk with Pen
7) STOP IT!! MAKE IT STOP!!! AIGIIGHAHHAH!!! HATE THIS CHILDISH CRAP!!!! AIGH!!!!

Doktor Zoom November 12, 2012 at 11:52 pm

You seem upset

iburl November 13, 2012 at 12:12 am

Perfect :)

VodkaGoGo November 13, 2012 at 12:27 am

I'm starting to really, really like the ponies. Sort of like a comercial you at first find mildly annoying but then the jingle starts to get its hooks in and you get sad when a commercial comes on and it isn't that commercial that you've grown so fond of. What I'm saying is, I THINK I AM GOING INSANE WITH TEH PONY LOVE AND IT IS YOUR FAULT DOK.

emmelemm November 13, 2012 at 1:51 am

Yeah, that.

Jaim November 12, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Jesus, she's loaded.

SaintRond November 13, 2012 at 1:09 am

Whore pills? I've been looking for a new drug for years now. I want.

Redgyal November 13, 2012 at 7:23 am

That comment from Mary Maitlin was brought to you by the letter "D".

Esteev November 13, 2012 at 9:31 am

Mary Matalin raises some interesting points.

blueflowers November 13, 2012 at 12:05 pm

You have to give Matalin a pass on the screaming though, you guys know she's deaf, right?!

superdave November 13, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Man, I loved Ender's Game when I was young. But I hate what OSC has become. Basically he's shitting on my childhood.

sati_demise November 13, 2012 at 1:53 pm

She ran out of 'D' words!

louiszwu November 16, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Bitter? Oh, a tad…

Defeatably_Joe November 12, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Thinking that increased security in Tripoli would make Benghazi more secure is like… putting up sandbags in Ohio for a hurricane hitting New Jersey, actually.

I can see why they think Romney would've done a better job.

Chet Kincaid_ November 12, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I don't recall Ronald Reagan getting dick-slapped by Congress when all those Marines got blown up.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 12, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Speaking of which, that creepy pony is kinda hot. Not really sure how I feel about this.

SorosBot November 12, 2012 at 6:13 pm

No, Pinkie Pie is the crazy pony, not creepy.

MissTaken November 12, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Pinkie Pie likes to party, so being turned on by her is totally okay.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Uh … Dok? An intervention?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 12, 2012 at 6:21 pm

That's awesome. But Mary Matalin just killed my buzz.

Chet Kincaid_ November 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

That horse is being mounted out of frame. What?! Isn't that what we're all thinking?!

BaldarTFlagass November 12, 2012 at 6:39 pm

That's because Reagan invaded Grenada less than a week after the Beirut barracks bombing. Shiny keys!!

BaldarTFlagass November 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Precisely.

trampndirtdown November 12, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Damn you Chet! You made scroll back up and look.

Chet Kincaid_ November 12, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Are we pivoting back to poutrage already?! Can't we wait for No Balls Barry to articulate the terms of his latest sellout first?

Naked_Bunny November 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Me too. And then I lingered for awhile.

Designer_Rants November 12, 2012 at 8:32 pm

You got it all figgered out too! Nobama's a LOCK in 2016.

starfanglednut November 12, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Gah! Teh poniez haz names?

HogeyeGrex November 13, 2012 at 2:43 am

Who knew you spelled Pinkie Pie with one L and two Ns?

ifthethunderdontgetya November 12, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Sure, Chet.

But it might be nice if people who claim to support Social Security and the rest of the social safety net actually fought for it.

Perhaps?

(I realize the drone strikes on civilians and spying on Americans are already bipartisan, and only disgusting an ideological purist or emo-proggie would even mention silly nonsense like that now.)
~

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 12:00 am

Pivot back? He never fucking left it.

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Fuck. That obvious, huh? (beams proudly)

starfanglednut November 12, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Well, I do know you pretty well.( rubs toe of sneaker in sand while gazing shyly at the ground)

Weedlord BonerHitler November 12, 2012 at 10:12 pm

You sure do! (Hugs you again)

starfanglednut November 12, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Awwww…. Who knew one could come to the rudest, most obscene, most sarcastic site on the interwebs and find such sweetness?

Weedlord BonerHitler November 13, 2012 at 12:05 am

Not me, fo' sho. First time I commented here, I was convinced y'all were gonna eat me alive. (Hugs you yet again) Been here a while, and it still amazes me.

Hey, should I change to my OTHER Weedlord Bonerhitler av, or just let this one sink in for a while? Or should I rotate them and let *everyone* enjoy the full grossitude of it all?

Negropolis November 13, 2012 at 12:05 am

Squirrel! Plus, Reagan was American (white).

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