journamalism

Newsmax Reporter: Petraeus Affair Endangered National Security, Per Egregious, Totally Fine FBI Leak

Fibbies on the caseWhat have our rightwing torture chamber pals at Newsmax been up to lately? Well, according to “chief Washington correspondent” Ronald Kessler, they’ve just cold been getting leaks from disgruntled Fibbies about retired spook-in-chief David Petraeus’s office boffings since October. Ronald Kessler is very outraged about the national security implications of this! Oh wait, no. Ronald Kessler thinks it is fine that an unclearanced person such as himself is getting fed “sensitive” information (just the tip!) about national security from the FBI.

On Oct. 10, I was contacted by a longtime FBI source who told me that a bureau investigation had uncovered Petraeus’ affair with a journalist and that it could potentially jeopardize national security.

Hmmm, what else might jeopardize national security? Like, maybe leaking serious shit to people from Newsmax?

The veteran agent related to me that FBI agents assigned to the case were outraged by what were they were told by senior officials: The FBI was going to hold in limbo their findings until after the election.

Oh, right. That’s what endangers national security.

Blah blah blah how dare the president claim not to know, etc., ad nauseam:

As FBI agents and CIA officers tell me, [delaying Petraeus’s resignation] could have meant that foreign intelligence service officers or criminals who may have learned of the affair could have blackmailed Petraeus into giving up the country’s most sensitive secrets. Given his position, those secrets would have included penetrations of Russian communications, bugging of foreign embassies, identities of assets risking their lives to give the U.S. valuable information on terrorists, and identities of terrorists who are about to be killed by drones.

Yes, much better to protect classified information by getting it into the hands of courageous journalistic outlets like Newsmax, where at least nobody would ever see it.

[Newsmax]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    If only faux-journalism cured Butthurtness.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      If only. These guys would be curing more people than Jesus.

      • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

        They do turn water in whine, though.

  • sundaytrucker

    Uhhmm…how do you blackmail someone that openly admits to an affair?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, see, that's just it! Newsmax threatened to reveal the affair so Petraeus felt he had to cut off such a fine example of journalistic integrity and accuracy.

    • http://lookatthisfuckingcentrist.wordpress.com Both Sides Do It

      Talk with them about the affair, use that as an opportunity to start another affair with them, and then blackmail them about that.

      And from the way things are shaping up, that strategy would have been successful with Petraeus. Sounds like he could make a desert wet and knew it.

    • TribecaMike

      Beats me, but I'm sure it involves time travel.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Back in the day, someone tried to blackmail the Duke of Wellington with a threat to expose some damning correspondence.

      HIs famous answer: "Publish and be damned."

    • ChapterUndVerse

      That's classified.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    would have included penetrations of Russian communications. sexy.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Where is a woman's "communications"? Is this something only Russian women have? I must really be behind the times…(searches for very dusty copy of "The Joy of Sex.")

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Not to mention the buggery of the assets.

    • bikerlaureate

      Newsmax has a "Forum" section? For anonymous confessions? And here I thought they were just another Koch puppet…

  • second_gen

    Kessler knew about this on October 10?!!?? one!! He owed it to The Patriots of this country to reveal this national security endangerment! He failed! He was complicit in the Obamanation election. Had he been a true Patriot, he could have stopped this travesty!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      KESSLER IS A SOSHULIEST FIFTH COLUMINSTA!

    • eggsacklywright

      And Broadwell's hub takes his suspicions to Warshington congress-critter Reichert for why? And the other, other woman is maybe connected to the DOD or maybe not? What a cluster.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "He owed it to The Patriots of this country to reveal this national security endangerment!"

      Oh, he told them alright. But they were too busy losing to the Seahawks, barely beating the Jets, and prepping for their road trip to London to give it any attention. Fucking Belicheat.

      • SorosBot

        But any loss for the fucking Patriots and their cheating cheater ways is great news for America!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Amercia's Team

          • SorosBot

            That's the label always given to the Cowboys; which used to equal the Patriots in being insufferable. It seems the label "America's Team" is only given to teams that everyone in America outside their home city hates.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Re-read that more carefully….

          • BaldarTFlagass

            As one who has hated the Cowboys and loved the Patriots since about 1968, I quite understand your mindset. I don't recall anyone hating the Patriots in the 70s, 80s, or 90s with the vehemence I encounter these days. I hate it when teams other than my own are too good for too long.

          • Terry

            Must make life tough for you in the Lone State State.

            I went to a game in Houston back in the 80's, when the Redskins were playing the Oilers. I was clapping as the Redskins were introduced, nothing obnoxious, and a man in the row behind me hit me in the back and told me to go back to DC. The three guys I was sitting with didn't see it and insisted that no one would be that crappy. In retrospect, I should have had his arse tossed from the stadium.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Well, my "second" team used to be the Oilers and is now the Texans. I guess my head is gonna splode when Texans visit Foxboro in December.

    • BadKitty904

      Conspiracy!

  • Goonemeritus

    Will the FEMA Death Camps allow these people internet access?

  • memzilla

    When it comes to the residue of leaked tips, Newsmax is the smegma of journalism.

    [This comment may be cross-filed under "Splooge From Republican Butthurt."]

  • snowpointsecret

    Wow, Newsmax is a month behind?

    Next from Newsmax, why Romney's win in the Denver debate means that America will be freed from socialism!

  • Esteev

    Petraeus' affair will definitely prevent him from testifying on Benghazi — at least for a week or so, also, too.

  • Indiepalin

    You know who else is having sex with Gen. Petraeus?

    • DCBloom

      Lindsey Graham?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

      His career?

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      According to that middle-school health video,* all of them, Katie?

      *(every time you have sex, you have sex with all of your partner's former partners, etc)

      • Guppy

        Thereby making my own "sex life" that much more pathetic in comparison.

    • eggsacklywright

      Jill Kelley?

    • metamarcisf

      Javier Bardem?

      • Jus_Wonderin

        His name always sounds like a menu item to me.

        • TribecaMike

          Sometimes a tapas is just a tapas.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, not Holly anymore, that's for damned sure.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe
    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      Wait, I totally know the answer to this one! This time, it TOTALLY IS Hitler!

    • metamarcisf

      The Girl from the Progressive Auto Insurance commercials?

      • Guppy

        "Flo?" So he's earned his red wings?

    • Terry

      Any NeoCon, male or female, who Petraeus would deign to pork?

    • calliecallie

      Sarah Palin?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Apparently not Mrs. P. At least, often enough.

    • Edith_Prickly

      Weedlord Bonerhitler?

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Rafalca?

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    So, Petraeus had an affair with an unmarried woman rather than an underage boy under his authority. At least we now know for sure he's a Democrat. (Although, frankly, I think the whole thing stinks.)

    • http://www.marionstein.net Ground Zero Mostel

      Married woman.

      • BarackMyWorld

        And with 2 kids.

        • MosesInvests

          And a major in the US Army Reserve, which makes her (I think) subject to UCMJ regs about adultery.

          • Terry

            …and who apparently has a sizeable screw loose.

          • carlgt1

            no crazier than the female astronaut driving across country non-stop in Depends so she can attack the other lover of the guy she was screwing!

          • Geminisunmars

            Butt-hurt LIBEL.

          • BarackMyWorld

            Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    it was only a matter of time before they found a reason to try to find a reason to blame Barry. Some other guy fucks around on his wife? Impeach OBAMA!!1!1!1!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He really should take responsibility for two grown adults and resign

      • 1stNewtontheMoon

        I should say, for a whole shit ton of reasons, I couldn't give less of a flying fuck if this guy wants to fuck any consenting adult other than (or in addition to) his wife and acts on that want. If I was Obama, I probably would've tried to talk him out of resigning (and perhaps he did).

        Plus, Paula Broadwell is kinda smoking. Needed to be said.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Reports are that Obama asked Petraeus to wait 24 hours, but that plea fell on deaf ears.

          And yes, she is. But the woman she thought was the fourth in the threesome, Jill Kelley, is even smokier.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Is that the woman who got fired for dressing too hot at the office?! http://www.villagevoice.com/2010-06-01/news/is-th

          • Mittaplasia

            Nothing says action like wearing a nightgown to a party.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Nobama fucked her with Petraeus's dick!!1!!

  • Badonkadonkette

    I'm kind of curious: if a journalist at Newsmax had information that (a) the head of the CIA may have had an extramarital affair that jeopardized national security and (b) the FBI was keeping said affair/risk to national security under wraps to help Barack HUSSEIN Obama secure re-election, why would Newsmax not report it? Perhaps I do not have the firm grasp of journalistic ethics that Newsmax displays in every clearly-not-fabricated story they publish.

    • snowpointsecret

      Having Obama win lets them just cruise by on pure rage for four more years, it's good for business.

    • sbj1964

      Damn liberal media is in the tank for Obama.Shocker! I love the tank!

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      perhaps newsmax knows that 99.95% of the "information" it receives is pure bullshit so they wait until they wish to report is confirmed by at least one other bullshit merchant.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Yea, except that flies in the face of practically every single story they've ever published.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          As if Newsmax readers would ever notice.

    • BadKitty904

      Plus how, exactly, secret could this affair have been? You'd think the head of the CIA would be better at hiding stuff.

      • 1stNewtontheMoon

        In fairness, he didn't think his bros at the FBI would rat him out because that's not what bros do when one of their bros is crushing some side-ass.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Clearly he didn't play the game correctly. What he had to do was find some stuff on the FBI executive staff and then sit in a conference room hashing out a plan

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Chief Editor Korir didn't greenlight it, for some reason

    • Terry

      Because his FBI source asked him not to tell, so the Newsmax "journalist" behaved just like a homely junior high school girl when the hottest guy in the class spoke to her for even just a moment.

    • Guppy

      why would Newsmax not report it?

      Waterboarding.

  • DCBloom

    You know it's bogus because "penetrations of Russian communications"
    Why are they still fighting the cold war?

    • SorosBot

      They foolishly thought Romney might win too?

    • eggsacklywright

      To protect our purity of essence.

      • One_who_wanders

        My essence has been pretty impure since puberty.

    • not that Dewey

      Because they were home-schooled?

  • Steverino247

    You can't politicize intelligence operations or you jeopardize your sources and methods just to score cheap political points. The Valerie Plame outing cost us a lot more than anyone will admit to. Hell, we shouldn't know more than the fact that our Ambassador was killed in an act of terror, but everybody now knows the CIA had a large operation there. The sources for Newsmax are more liable than Petraeus at this point! He was potentially criminal in that he was compromised by the affair, but his admission and resignation eliminates that. The Newsmax source has ACTUALLY committed a crime.

    • Terry

      "everybody now knows the CIA had a large operation there"

      It would have been a major scandal if the CIA DIDN'T have a large operation there.

      • Guppy

        Petraeus had a large CIA operation in his pants!

        (Someone had to say it!)

    • bikerlaureate

      The Valerie Plame outing cost us a lot more than anyone will admit to.

      Tragically true. But at least the guilty parties were punished.
      Wait, what?

  • Toomush_Infer

    The great failure of General Petraeus has been not to follow the criticism of Newt Gingrich, in developing a strong credit line at Tiffanies, for the express purpose of mediating enraged wives….

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Hasn't the right-wing realized yet that they are irrelevant?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

  • SorosBot

    "those secrets would have included penetrations of Russian"

    Now I want to hear more about our spies' penetrations of Russians myself.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
      • MosesInvests

        Cool-Natasha Fatale is now a model!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
          • MosesInvests

            Bozhe moi!

      • not that Dewey

        Those are some "gizmos" she's got there.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Is she still on LinkedIN?

  • Ducksworthy

    Hmmm. Maybe that's also where they got the info about Bammer's secret CCTV view of every street in Benghazi.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Fire up the wingnut circus with Mish Bachmann (she sits on the House Intelligence Committee) leading the shrieking charge.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    National security is a joke according to this memo David Petraeus leaked to me

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    At this point in time, I'd like to reveal that one year ago, I was contacted by Editrix and told that she would be taking over Wonkette.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    O.T., but try the butterscotch rant delivered by Althouse face.
    ~

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I may not sleep tonight….

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Brain bleach, need brain bleach….

    • DCBloom

      Whoa… that should have come with a warning. Ouch!

  • eggsacklywright

    Paula Broadwell – needs moar riding crop.

  • SorosBot

    Yeah, I totally believe that a) some FBI whistle-blower would have contacted some moron at Newsmax instead of a credible news source to leak the affair, and that b) the Newsmax "reporter" just sat on that story until today, instead of reporting it at the time to damage Obama's shot at reelection. Totally; that story holds up completely and is super-believable.

  • Aridzona

    Iraq War Hero Finds Weapon of Self Destruction

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Hey look, there's Newsmax! Right over there! ———————————->

    • One_who_wanders

      I know I keep wanting to get a hammer. . . .
      Does Wonkette appear as a side thingy for them too? If so it ought to ensure plenty of entertaining visitors for the future.

  • http://www.marionstein.net Ground Zero Mostel

    They are not going to give this up. They have Congress and they are desperate. Desperate people do desperate things. Clinton was impeached for a blowjob and that was in a pre-911 world.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      you're right, but i don't think it will be petraeus. there's not much there there.

      more likely they'll keep banging on about benghazi.

  • arihaya

    I love wingnuts logic, Obama sure didn't responsible for Osama bin Laden death but hell he is responsible for CIA director screwing around with some hot woman.

    • TootsStansbury

      Wingnut 'logic'; it's as twisted as their panties.

  • prommie

    So, the hero of the Bush administration (because he invented and implemented a terror campaign to cow an innocent population of a country invaded under false pretenses in an act of aggression) became a security risk because he fucked his biographer? OK, sure, makes sense to me! Lets ignore the terror campaign to "pacify" (translate: "terrorize") Iraq in an illegal war. He put his dick in another person with whom he did not have the requisite government-issued license legitimizing dick-entry, while another dick-entry license remained in effect! Let the freaking out commence! It is amazing the fucking umbrage, horror, panty-bunching and general fooforaw-ing and harrumphing that happens when people engage in fucking that is not legitimized with the appropriate government-issued fuck license. I mean after all, the sole reason he would be considered a "security risk" as a result of the unlicensed fucking, is bacause it is presumed that he would be so afraid of said finger-waving and clucking, that he would sell out the USA to avoid exposure of his unlicensed fucking. Am I just some fucking nutcase to think its alll, ALLL, insane?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      I don't think he would sell out his country, but if you're going to put anti-blackmail morals on the spies in the field, the head guy ought to play by the same rules. But really, who gives a shit? They're just trying to distill some butthurt salve for the election out of this. My only interest is that Broadwell is one tasty piece of hagiographer!!

      • DCBloom

        I agree that if there is some blackmail-worthy thing out there, then ok, resign. But if you come out and admit to the unlicensed fucking, then you can't be blackmailed for it. Amirite?

    • Toomush_Infer

      No, but it do make one a mite ranty, don't it…..

      • prommie

        God damned right, I protesteth too fucking much!

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          Waitaminute, you're not with The Company are you?!

          • prommie

            You know what I would have to do if I told you, right?

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Un-follow me with extreme prejudice?

    • One_who_wanders

      My concern is that she and Paty relied on Gmail for their clandestine email. Really. That is firing offense if you are head of the CIA.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    The more important news is that the Petraeus Affair has turned into a full-blown Sex Triangle!! (Quadrangle, if you count his beleaguered wife.) Paula was warning a bitch to get her hands off her man!! I expect at least a cross-country-roadtrip-in-a-diaper level of nuttiness out of this mess, although, in the case of Broadwell, I'll concede that there might be something to the "crazy in bed" truism.

    • Terry

      Each time one of these things comes out, I wonder why a man would go for the crazy woman. The best I can come up with is this.

      Your wife talks to you about real things like leaky roofs, how the kids are doing, what's going on in the world.

      An emotionally balanced single woman isn't going to screw around with an old married man.

      A woman who is unbalanced would worship an old authority figure kind of man, tell him how awesome he is, basically live for him, and screw him with crazy wild abandon even if he's married or both of them are married.

      The men who get in trouble with this sort of thing have egos that need the crazy worship.

      That's the best I can make of it.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Umm, let me see – some hawt woman wants to write a positive biography of me, sucks up to me for stories, is maybe the only available one around, and I….whoops, there goes me pecker again….yeah, that's really hard to understand….

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Terry, seriously, you're over thinking this:

        Army guy. Fit chick in running shorts.

        QED

        • Terry

          True. I just can't understand how a man would risk everything (career, family, reputation) for a extramarital affair…no matter how many times it happens. It's just so stupid.

    • eggsacklywright

      Saw her on Jon Stewart. The Super Jock and Jill vibe is strong with ol' Paula. Like a Bond villian-ette.

      • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

        rewatching that interview in light of current knowledge was fucking painful.

    • eggsacklywright

      " there might be something to the "crazy in bed" truism"

      I would like to confirm this theory with Anne Heche.

    • TribecaMike

      I've read that Eric Cantor's office was contacted by the aggrieved party before the FBI, which adds an S&M element to the sordid tale.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Ronald Kessler thinks it is fine that an unclearanced person such as himself is getting fed “sensitive” information (just the tip!) about national security from the FBI. "

    Kinda the same logic that they use when committing voter fraud to prove that it can be done.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Thinking about that, I'm kinda surprised Hannah Giles didn't break this story with James O'Keefe.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Would you like me to investigate Ms. Giles' gizmos?

    • Tundra Grifter

      BTF:

      What really bothered me about "I was contacted by a longtime FBI source…" was the "longtime."

      Why haven't they found that joker before this?

  • Terry

    An FBI person also spoke to Eric Cantor. Makes you wonder if it was the same person speaking to Newsmax. A person who might think it was a good idea to get this out before the election so that it could be used against Obama somehow.

    Taking off my tin foil hat now.

    • under_score

      Hand it over here, because I need it. Because seriously, WTF?

    • Ruhe

      Least effective October surprise ever.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I smell a Pulitzer.

    • TheGyrus

      Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      Dick Morris will be disappointed. He just ordered the invitations to his Pulitzer acceptance party.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      Back where I'm from, we call 'em "cow pies".

    • Tundra Grifter

      Roxanne (June 1985)? WoW!

  • glasspusher

    Condoms of mass destruction.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Pilllllzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • BarackMyWorld

      Weapons of Ass Seduction.

      • glasspusher

        I think I like your's better.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Well thanks for sitting on this and ruining Cocktober, Mr. Newsmax!!

    • glasspusher

      Blovember?

    • littlebigdaddy

      You said "sittting on this" hehehe!

  • T3rbo

    They don't have any new plays, so they just dusted off the "x is an unamerican who hates national security" play. Yes, angry white men everywhere will be angry, via forwarded emails about this issue. Regular people, who have already heard this story about the creepy looking general, will realize that a general will be in trouble because penis. Yawn.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    Wait till you hear about the secret government herbal weight loss remedies that Newsmax's sekrit FBI source tipped them off about as well!

    • not that Dewey

      Power companies hate him!

      • One_who_wanders

        Dermatologists hate her!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      One Weird Trick to make everyone suspicious of your smoking hotness and gushing praise of your older, powerful biography subject!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “chief Washington correspondent” Ronald Kessler,

    Lemme guess—lives in his mom's basement in Silver Spring?

  • BadKitty904

    Loose lips sink dicks.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, I don't know about "sink"….but you're warm!

  • ttommyunger

    Move over, Monica Crowley, there's a new power-fucker in town and she's younger, hotter and in a lot better shape than you. Now that I think about it, Nixon and Petraeus have a lot in common, both are wiry little gnomes with the sex appeal of a turnip, both possessed a shit-load of power and both probably fucked like old people dance; but then Nixon is dead now and we can only say that about David's career, amirite?

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      just you wait…I will bet some serious whore-diamonds that Petraeus winds up just fine by 2014 for a run at whatever office he wants to try out for as early as the 2016 elections. Republicans have no problems with hypocrisy and faux-redemption stories. plus, Petraeus can provide himself a nice contrast to Clinton, who rightfully didn't resign.

      I see it already. "Petraeus hit rock bottom as part of the Obama administration, with all their lose morality and whatnot, but he recognized his mistakes, resigned, rededicated himself to his marriage (and the Lord ™), and is now stronger than ever and ready to continue his career in service to the US of A. Even Mrs. Petraeus supports his run for _____."

      • ttommyunger

        You are totally correct. Forgiveness is a virtue among Rightards so long as the forgiven is one of their own; otherwise-fuck off and die!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Didn't General Washington suffer this same dilemma?…

    • TribecaMike

      Not only that: "George Washington swore by the Perkins Metallic Tractor, a contraption said to draw out any disease when it was waved over the afflicted body part." *

      *Thanks, Dan Gardner's Future Babble (Dutton 2011)!

  • HistoriCat

    OT – hi guys, I'm back. Mrs. Historicat went into labor last Monday and I've been pretty much offline for a week. Mrs. H and the kittens (old and new) are doing fine.

    So did anything exciting happen while I was away?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Nope.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Nah. Same old same old. Congratulations, tho.

    • MissTaken

      Nuttin' honey

      Mazel Tov!

    • BadKitty904

      Heartiest congrats!!!! Best wishes to Mom and the new kitten!

      May we ask if said kitten is a tom or a queen?

      • HistoriCat

        This one is a queen, so now we are all tied up at two apiece. And that's how it ends – in a tie. No more kittens for us.

        • BadKitty904

          Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! I'm sure she's adorable! :0)

        • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

          Four kids! So you'll be spending more time on the Wonkette, then?

          • HistoriCat

            I look forward to going to work – it gives me a chance to rest up and spend some quality time with the Wonketteriat.

    • glasspusher

      I was going to say, your life is over, but apparently you didn't learn from the first one! Congratulations, best health and happiness to all.

    • calliecallie

      Congratulations! I hope Mrs. H voted absentee.

      • HistoriCat

        Early voting all the way! She waited in line for about an hour and ahalf on Thursday (11/1). I resisted the urge to point out to her thatI waited in line about ten minutes, since I didn't procrastinate untilthe end of early voting.

    • One_who_wanders

      GOP Pollsters suck.

      Congrats.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Other stories Newsmax is sitting on:

    Bigfoot skeleton discovered in Oregon

    New York City actually Mecca

    Donald Trump regularly donates his hair to chemo patients.

    Give it a whirl, fellow Wonkies!

    • Esteev

      Mars To Attack Earth Within Hours

    • BadKitty904

      Obama Responsible for Lindbergh Baby Kidnapping

    • TribecaMike

      "Meteor Will Destroy Earth Tomorrow; The Poor Will Suffer Most"

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "…and now, Sports."

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          "KIm Kardashian and Billions Die In Global Calamity"

    • MosesInvests

      Batboy Found Living in Governor's Mansion in Tallahassee

      • Beowoof

        His name is Rick and he is hoping to grow a human brain and heart.

    • calliecallie

      Jimmy Hoffa's body found in Detroit salt mine.

    • Steverino247

      Aliens demand more Chuck Berry.

    • One_who_wanders

      Elvis Lives!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Since the woman the former General was having the affair with is the only one actually being accused of doing something illegal…how is this hurting/helping Obama again?

  • Wadisay

    The anagrams of "David Petraeus" are many. Among them:

    A depraved suit
    A stupid evader
    Avast, duper, die!
    Add Private Sue
    Dead asp virtue
    Sadder vitae up
    Evader staid up
    Eased vapid rut
    Varied taps due

    and my favorite: David eater pus.

    (No, I am not sufficiently employed. Why?)

  • UnholyMoses

    I hope they bought those Russian communications some dinner — or at least a few drinks — before penetrating them.

  • yellojkt

    At what point did one starfucker getting jealous over another famewhore and hacking a Gmail account rise to a national security crisis?

    • BadKitty904

      Last Tuesday.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Specifically around 9:30 EST when Ohio was called for Obama.

  • SorosBot

    Maybe, just maybe, our media should try not hero-worshiping members of our military quite so much, and constantly sucking their dicks, just a bit? Maybe they could realize that a guy being a general doesn't automatically mean he's somehow better than the rest of us, and his opinions should be taken as fiat and Truth, even when he's proven himself to be a war-mongering, partisan right-wing dipshit?

    • bobbert

      Maybe, just maybe, our media should try not hero-worshiping members of our military quite so much, and constantly sucking their dicks, just a bit?

      Apparently, that is what biographers are for.

  • BlueStateLibel

    And we're supposed to believe this – that a veteran CIA agent went to Newsmax – because why?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Because the Weekly World News stopped publishing.

  • barto

    Kessler's piece obviously meant as snark:

    "Given his position, those secrets would have included penetrations of Russian communications, bugging [he meant buggering, obv] of foreign embassies, identities of assets[ASSets, get it?]…"

    and so on

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Wow, Newsmax is a month behind?

    And WND.com is packing a bag and taking a bus to Juarez.

  • TribecaMike

    The pen is mightier than the bored.

  • BadKitty904

    If this is the best post-election scandal Newshax can come up with, they're in for a looong four years…

  • Beowoof

    Hey I regularly get the Newsmax email updates cause I want to know what the freaks are doing. I could have seen that story if I paid any attention to those emails.

    • BadKitty904

      They're definitely up there at the top o' the pile in the dwarf-rapes-nun-flees-in-UFO "news" league…

  • TribecaMike

    And where, you may ask, was the president during all this? http://pzrservices.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451ccbc6

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Got some catching-up to do.
      Ya got some stories to tell?

      • TribecaMike

        My lei's are sealed.

        • Blueb4sinrise

          I meant the new Tribeca Beach, but s'okay.

          • TribecaMike

            Come on in, the water's fine. Thanks for asking. And you?

          • Blueb4sinrise

            Time to shut -down the swamp cooler.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      that would match my bobble head obama with lei and ukelele.

  • UnholyMoses

    OT and totally egocentric:

    Why hasn't my "p" level gone up in weeks? Don't get me wrong — I don't really care that much what it is. Just curious as to what is involved in that rating, other than Nate Silverian algorithms. Well, that and voodoo.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      FRAUD!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • UnholyMoses

      ACORN'S BEEN STEALING MY UPFISTIES!!!!!!1111!!!1

    • greenloner

      Maybe you have a secret enemy?

  • UnholyMoses

    Someone owes Move On a full-page apology in the New York Times.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    foreign intelligence service officers or criminals who may have learned of the affair could have blackmailed Petraeus

    Same stupid rationale behind automatically labeling gay people as security risks–if their sexual orientation is discovered they could be blackmailed.

    But if they were allowed the same freedom of choice as the hetero world gay people wouldn't fear being outed and couldn't be blackmailed for it.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      Weird how that rationale is actually a better rationale for allowing gays to serve openly -so that their orientation is no longer blackmail material– than it is to attempt (and as history has demonstrated, doubtlessly fail) to prohibit gays from serving at all.

      IIRC, that was actually the IDF's rationale when it made the decision (in 1993) to allow gays to serve openly, to the point where they actually discourage LGBT soldiers from remaining closeted.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    A top CIA official told me, of the record, of course, of the mountains and mountains of pictures they have of Jerome Corsi with farm animals. The CIA guy told me not to tell anyone, so I'm just posting that info here. Because National Security. and Jesus.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    What happens in FOB Anaconda is supposed to stay in FOB Anaconda.

  • notreelyhelping

    The president knew? Or he didn't know? Either way! Impeach! Impeach! Achtung! Mach schnell! Vee shall march on a road of a thousand bones!

  • Mittaplasia

    That's why a general should never take orders from his privates!

  • AlaskaGrrl

    Was that FBI source Bat Boy?

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

    Yes, but dialup only.

  • rickmaci

    "Given his position, those secrets would have included penetrations…"

    Good god with an editor's pen, given this particular story some moron editor at Newschmux actually let that go? Bwhahahahahhahahha.

  • mavenmaven

    Hooray, spies in the cold war with the Russians again!

  • 69WideStance

    I say hats off to the administration (via FBI) for taking out Petraeus. He talked with with high-level Republicans in 2010 about running for President; appeared in New Hampshire during the primaries; was heavily touted by Rep. Peter King (the guy now calling for Petraeus to appear and testify) and others as a VP candidate for Romney. It gets more sinister: according two Eric Massa, three top generals were concerned that Petraeus was involved in discussions with Cheney of a coup against Obama in 2010; indeed, in recent speeches, Petraeus seemed to be fixated on Julius Caesar’s assassination.