COMMIES UNDER THE BED  11:00 am November 11, 2012

Sundays With the Christianists: A Cold War “World History” Textbook For Your Fallout Shelter / Homeschool

by Doktor Zoom

Hide your kids, hide your wife!If you’re feeling nostalgic for the Cold War, you could do worse than to grab a copy of our 10th-grade text, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, which presents communism as an ongoing threat right now, today. As we mentioned last week, we’ve finally gotten a copy of the 2010 revision of the book, and you’ll be delighted to know that it is still every bit as Red Scared as the 1997 edition we’ve been using for this series up until now.* Like the 1997 edition, the lengthy chapter on the evils of communism presents it as a present threat that might set international dominoes toppling at any moment.

This week, we’ll wrap up our look at the Red Menace with a couple of sidebar sections which explain, just in case the main text hasn’t made the point, why communism is very, very bad indeed. The first is an essay titled “Communism: A Negative System,” which informs us that

Communism is a totally negative system — a denial of all that is true, righteous, and good. In its suppression of the higher aspects of man’s character, it unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man.

Golly! Say what you will about the tenets of national socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos!

No God. Communism is based upon the denial of God — atheism. Marx said, “Our goal is to destroy capitalism and dethrone God!” Engels simply declared, “God is man.” Lenin and Stalin did all in their power to stamp out Christianity in Russia.

Oddly, we could not find any source other than right-wing websites for that alleged Marx quote. It’s not entirely out of line with his dismissal of religion as the “opiate of the masses,” but we didn’t find a citation — though Marx did note that atheism has a certain revolutionary utilty: “If I dethrone God I also dethrone the king who reigns by the grace of God.” But that’s different, isn’t it? (Your commie is always obsessed with nuance, isn’t he?)

But Communism’s violent hatred for God, the Bible, and Christianity does not mean that Communists have no sense of the sacred. The Communist ”god” is the supposedly omniscient, omnipotent Communist state. Communism asserts its totalitarian power over the body and soul of every human being under its control and will not tolerate any interference from the God of the Bible and Christianity. This is why Communism and Biblical Christianity must always be locked in mortal combat for the hearts and minds of people everywhere.

Ah, but what about liberation theology, those Marxist-tinged priests and nuns that John Paul II worked so hard to root out, you may ask? You clearly aren’t paying attention: they said “Biblical Christianity,” which doesn’t allow dirty papists to sully the Gospels with communist thinking. That’s like double heresy. QED.

No Creation. Because it is an atheistic system, Communism cannot accept God’s creation of the universe. Instead, Communism chooses to accept evolution, insisting that the only reality is “matter in motion” and that everything in the universe (including thoughts, feelings, and the human will) can be explained only in terms of the material. This inaccurate perception of reality, materialism, contends that matter is eternal and is in a continual process of evolutionary change.

I can has conflation? At least they didn’t say “Darwinism” this time.

No morality. Communism drifts in a sea of relativistic thinking. A natural consequence of atheism is the loss of moral absolutes. No God means no law; no law means no absolute standards of good and evil… This false perception of morality explains why Communists can justify the murder of many millions of people in the countries they have conquered.

As we all know, atheists generally go around killing people because only the fear of hell keeps us from doing so. Wait, that isn’t right –we know we’d remember any murderous rampages. And of course, there’s the inconvenient evidence showing that the most secular countries tend to have the least crime.**

No family ties. Communists despise the family unit. Strong families are important to the freedom and well-being of any society because they promote economic, emotional, and social stability; they preserve traditional values and customs; and they provide moral guidelines and standards of right and wrong… Communism’s goal is to eliminate the family and separate children from their parents… by forcing both father and mother to work long hours just to survive and by placing their children in state-sponsored day cares and schools, where their young, impressionable minds are indoctrinated with Communist principles and propaganda.

[Citation needed] Seriously. They aren’t even trying now. Yeah, yeah, and liberals and feminists and teh gheys want to “destroy the family,” too, and the schools are part of the plot.

No individuality. Communism’s insistence on maintaining the “collective” good of the state destroys the worth of individuals… Indeed, Communism tries to control the very thoughts of individuals with its propaganda; anyone who thinks differently than the state is severely punished and subjected to further attacks on his individuality.

Coming from people who fight against science, censor library books, and try to “cure” people of homosexuality, this is pretty fucking rich.

No hope. Many people under Communism lead lives of quiet despair and frustration because of the utter hopelessness of human life under Communism…

It was at this point that we distinctly heard the ghost of Henry David Thoreau throwing up.

The other sidebar, which is actually longer but will get less discussion here, is an excerpt from a “Christian Anti-Communism Crusade” pamphlet titled “Why Communism Kills.” It begins creatively enough:

Communism kills! This is not debatable. The record is crystal clear. The U.S. Senate Internal Security Subcommittee conducted investigations into the number killed in the Soviet Union and China. Their report stated that 35 million to 45 million had been killed in the Soviet Union and 34 million to 62.5 million in Communist China.

and goes on to suggest that “apologists for Communism” dismiss the death toll as due to cultural factors in Russia and China, and

they do not believe that killing is an essential ingredient of Communism itself. They believe that the triumph of Communism in the United States, England, or Western Europe would not lead to mass slaughter. Are they right or are they suffering from a dangerous delusion?

More to the point, who actually fears a Communist “triumph” in the United States — today, or even in the late 1970s, when this pamphlet originated? (Besides the editors of this textbook and people who fear water flouridation, of course). In any case, we learn that Marx himself called for mass murder in The Communist Manifesto, which we’re pretty sure we’d have recalled.

[Marx wrote that] “the bourgeois, the middle-class owner of property…must indeed, be swept out of the way, and made impossible.” Apologists for Marxism contend that Marx did not intend that this statement should be taken literally. They affirm that he was referring to the gradual elimination of property owners by the transformation of the economic system which Communism would bring to pass. They cannot deny, however, that many followers of Karl Marx, including Stalin, Mao Tse-tung, and Pol Pot have taken this affirmation literally and have proceeded to kill the “middle-class owners of property” once they have acquired power.

This is pretty neat logic. Marx said a thing that didn’t mention killing millions, but since people calling themselves Marxists used it as an excuse to kill millions, he only could have meant “go kill millions.” We will keep this in mind the next time a tea partier says their “refresh the tree of liberty” webpage is not advocating political murder. (Needless to say, Marx could have avoided a lot of trouble by simply adding ” — with votes!”)

In any case, after spending three weeks with this chapter, we are convinced: We have decided that pursuing a communist revolution in the United States is probably not something we should do.

Besides, now that Barack Hussein Obama has been re-elected, it would be redundant, huh?

*Apart from chapters dealing with recent events, the most significant difference is that the 2010 version is a good 100 pages shorter, an economy mostly realized by snipping paragraphs here and there, especially illustrative quotations from other books.

**For nerds, the full study is available here.

Next Week: The Titanic! World War One! The Flu Epidemic of 1918! The Rise of Modern Liberalism! Guess which one the editors consider the worst disaster?

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 355 comments }

memzilla November 11, 2012 at 11:05 am

Say, you know who else wanted to stop Communism… ?

(couldn't resist the softball, Dok)

Dr_Zoidberg November 11, 2012 at 11:07 am

Me, Zoidberg!

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 12:24 pm

hooray!

boskolives November 11, 2012 at 11:18 am

Oral Roberts brother, Anal? They dressed alike and I usually mixed them up.

Mumbletypeg November 11, 2012 at 12:18 pm

900 foot Jesus' can't be wrong!

not that Dewey November 11, 2012 at 1:04 pm

They can't help it if they were born with monkey asses.

UW8316154 November 11, 2012 at 8:14 pm

omg LOVE LOVE LOVE 900 Foot Jesus!

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 1:06 pm

YEAH! 900 Foot Jesus!
One of my favorite Beavis and Butt-head videos EVER!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXhbjjizS4A

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"Oral Roberts brother, Anal? They dressed alike and I usually mixed them up."

Um, no — you REALLY don't want to confuse Oral and Anal.

OneDollarJuana November 11, 2012 at 8:17 pm

At least, you want to meet them in one order instead of the other.

Botlrokit November 12, 2012 at 11:24 am

Pillage before you burn, as it were.

FlownOver November 11, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Herr Doktor Merkwurdigliebe?

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Mein fuhrer, I can edit Christian textbooks!

VodkaGoGo November 11, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Was going to say Reagan but then I remembered Kennedy and settled on "every president from 1945-1992." I think FDR could make that list too but he had bigger fish to fry.

Misty Malarky November 11, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Popeye?

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm

J. Egger Hooper.

SexySmurf November 11, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen and Caroline in the City?

VodkaGoGo November 11, 2012 at 12:42 pm

All this time it went right over my head that Roadhouse was about communism. The more you know.

snowpointsecret November 11, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Karl Rove?

Wait, does perceived Communism count too?

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Joe McCarthy?

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Some dude named Godwin or something?

rickmaci November 11, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Tsar Nikolas II?

Negropolis November 11, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Dick Nixon?

Like Jesus, Dick Nixon seems to come in handy quite a bit around here.

CindynEncinitas November 12, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Jerry Mahoney and Knucklehead Smiff?

Hera Sent Me November 11, 2012 at 11:07 am

As they pathetically segue from "totalitarian communism is homicidal" to "any effort by any government to spread around the benefits of the nation's wealth is homicidal", let's offer an audio/visual accompaniment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K1q9Ntcr5g

Pithaughn November 11, 2012 at 11:16 am

Here's my official House Anthem, played before every sporting event, like say Pictionary. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8xPNwe3zio
( with sub titles )

Geminisunmars November 11, 2012 at 2:15 pm

"admit that the waters around you have grown…"

Pithaughn November 11, 2012 at 6:45 pm

don't clog up the doorway, get out of the hall!!

PubOption November 11, 2012 at 11:25 am

Sounds like a recommendation for second amendment solutions.

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Couldn't have timed this better, I just finished watching "Casablanca" for the first time ever.

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Round up the usual suspects!

Geminisunmars November 11, 2012 at 2:17 pm

This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Chow Yun Flat November 12, 2012 at 12:06 am

And then there is this .

AlterNewt November 11, 2012 at 11:07 am

“Our goal is to destroy capitalism and dethrone God!”

Well, the capitalists have done a pretty good job on the first part there.

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 11:10 am

Based on the example they seem to continually set, they're working mighty hard on the second.

AlterNewt November 11, 2012 at 11:11 am

God bless 'em.

OneDollarJuana November 11, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Based on the increasing number of non-believers, they are succeeding.

bikerlaureate November 11, 2012 at 11:49 am

Rock 'em sock 'em invisible hands.

Therefore, the free market is fighting God.

Negropolis November 11, 2012 at 9:53 pm

They seem to be doing a pretty good job on the second part, as well. They've moved god out of the way and replaced him with the worship of wealth (The Property Gospel), and try to fool themselves by calling Mammon God. Well, good look with that, Christianists.

How many more sick and destitute children will they sacrifice to Him for tax cuts?

All of them, Katie.

Loch_Nessosaur November 11, 2012 at 11:08 am

Do the home schooled kids have air raid drills and practice 'Duck and Cover' by getting under their kitchen tables?

Both Sides Do It November 11, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Nah they stick their heads in the ground

and never take them out

Steverino247 November 11, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Hey, don't knock the Duck and Cover drills. A classmate showed me her pussy during one of those.

Steverino247 November 11, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Apparently posts about sexual misbehavior during duck and cover drills violate the terms of service. Thus, my later comment about being seen out in public in those shoes.

GunToting[Redacted] November 11, 2012 at 11:09 am

So, if I'm reading this right (and I like to think that I am), the PTA is communist, and thus destroying the family?

weejee November 11, 2012 at 12:09 pm

What about the football booster club and their insidious orange jello carrot salad at the pot lucks???? Commies for sure!!!

FeloniousMonk November 11, 2012 at 6:01 pm

The Harper Valley PTA begs to disagree. You will be hearing from our lawyers shortly.

BZ1 November 11, 2012 at 11:10 am

Evolution: bad, creation:good; got it!! (A bit of concern, however, that some people will never evolve.)

sbj1964 November 11, 2012 at 11:10 am

There is no other form of repression,and out right dictator-ism than that of religion.

boskolives November 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

Can I get an Amen?

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 11:31 am

I've posted this before, but it's relevant here:

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

~ C. S. Lewis

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 12:53 pm

What in Tarnation? Oh, wait…OK from here on out I'm a Tarnationist.

memzilla November 11, 2012 at 11:11 am

You just know that all of us here would have made the list.

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 11:17 am

"Red Channels" sounds like the name of a sports commentator…

bikerlaureate November 11, 2012 at 11:50 am

Or a naughty web video site…

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 11, 2012 at 12:21 pm

It is one of the family facts that I am particularly proud of, that my father had an FBI file in the 60s.

Geminisunmars November 11, 2012 at 2:21 pm

So did my (now deceased) brother: For being a conscientious objector, and working with a lawyer to help others claim that status. We were very proud of him.

soeoho November 11, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Better Red than Rogue-Rouge!

AlterNewt November 11, 2012 at 2:18 pm

A quick Googlization would seem to indicate that 55 W. 42nd Street, in 1950, was the home of Time Magazine.

Toomush_Infer November 11, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Paaaaage One! – as the beloved of Christ Paul Harvey would have said….

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 11:12 am

Is that guy supposed to be Asian? Why is his hat named "Juan"? And why is his parang or machete or whatever it is named "Democracy"?

memzilla November 11, 2012 at 11:17 am

Why don't I recognize the landmass he's standing on as anyplace on Planet Earth?

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

ALIEN INVASION!!!

GunToting[Redacted] November 11, 2012 at 11:26 am

Maybe the Philippines? Still, very confusing.

GunToting[Redacted] November 11, 2012 at 11:38 am

I was taking a short break from honing “Democracy” and had to comment.

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 1:25 pm

A democracy scimitar in every pot!

BaldarTFlagass November 11, 2012 at 11:39 am

Geography Bee Winnah!!

VodkaGoGo November 11, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Definately the Philippines. I always associate the Philippines with a 1980s Jim Day cartoon that made the Philippines look like Reagan's head in profile.

Incitefully_Joe November 11, 2012 at 11:28 am

Political Cartoons are supposed to make sense?

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I couldn't find anything solid in a cursory search, but it's apparently a US-produced poster meant to inspire Filipinos to resist the Red Menace. One ad on Amazon dates it from the 1920s, which seems like not quite the right era for the lettering, but maybe for the drawing.

I wonder if "Juan" is part of some attempt at creating a Filipino national-symbol guy, like Uncle Sam or something…

EDIT: Good guess! (See also… and also, too)

not that Dewey November 11, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Were we going to inspire the Filipinos by depicting them as Mongolians?

GeorgiaBurning November 11, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Filipinos are Asian and Hispanic. Confuses the heck out of racists but makes for tasty food. But why is he wearing a Chinese hat?

Negropolis November 11, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Chinese immigrant merchants tend to be the upper and/or ruling class in much of Southeast Asia, though, I'm not sure if that's a Chinese hat or something local to the Filipinos.

Veritas78 November 11, 2012 at 1:03 pm

And pointy shoes! I would have thought those to be counter-revolutionary. He should be wearing Birkenstocks.

UnholyMoses November 12, 2012 at 11:09 am

It's easier to revolt whilst wearing sensible shoes.

Besides, those are his "Fuck me For Democracy Pumps."

rickmaci November 11, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Because while stopping communism is everybody's job, we all know that it's the Juan's of our country who always have to do the messy part involving the dirty work.

malsperanza November 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/decision20

Caption: The GOP reaches out to Hispanic voters.

Toomush_Infer November 11, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Like cutting the grass with their giant scimitars…

Jennyjen798 November 11, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I dunno. My grandmothers' name (yes, both of them) were named Juanita. They both had a thing for ugly hats, flared pants, heels, and large knives, so seems appropriate to me. I never noticed if any of the knives were named democracy though.

ManchuCandidate November 11, 2012 at 11:13 am

Duh, Xtians. I think many us here never liked the commies either.

I still laugh that Xtians are upset that commies are dogmatic and attack ideas that don't jibe with their dogma. Isn't it ironic, eh?

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 11, 2012 at 12:22 pm

It's only totalitarian if you disagree with the theology.

Toomush_Infer November 11, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Kind of the three fingers pointing back at them and one pointing straight up….

memzilla November 11, 2012 at 11:14 am

Communism Faux News is a totally negative system — a denial of all that is true, righteous, and good. In its suppression of the higher aspects of man’s character, it unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man.

Amazing how well that quote works, innit?

ManchuCandidate November 11, 2012 at 11:16 am

The corporation's goal is to eliminate the family and separate children from their parents… by forcing both father and mother to work long hours just to survive and by placing their children in corporate sponsored day cares and schools, where their young, impressionable minds are indoctrinated with corporate principles and propaganda.

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Righto. Home skuling = your own personal North Korea.

mosaickmind November 11, 2012 at 2:13 pm

You can add to that:
No God (except our version)
No Creation (except our made up intelligent design )
No Morality (Cause your not moral if you watch any news other than Fox)
No family ties (if you aren't Christian, straight, conservative)
No Individuality ('cause people not like us makes us nervous)
No Hope (cause Obama said it)

oenspiek November 11, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Projection was always these clowns' chief skill.

GunToting[Redacted] November 11, 2012 at 11:16 am

"Communism’s goal is to eliminate the family and separate children from their parents… by forcing both father and mother to work long hours just to survive and by placing their children in state-sponsored day cares and schools,"

Wait, is the author talking about communist countries, or the actual reality here in this Religio-capitalist Job-Creator paradise in which we live? I haz a MAJOR confused.

ttommyunger November 11, 2012 at 11:17 am

Communists-OK, Gheys-That'l work, Mooslums-Sure, Jews-Yup….No, wait, that was a different time.Same tactic, but a different time.

AlterNewt November 11, 2012 at 11:18 am

I think it is the height of rationality to be afraid of giants with scimitars.

VodkaGoGo November 11, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Goliath Libel!!!

weejee November 11, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Thing is, he's the good guy.

AlterNewt November 11, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I understand, Doktor. But fear still seems like a good way to go, good guys notwithstanding.

CindynEncinitas November 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I bet if it was a giant with a tankard of ale I'd take cover and look for a good angle.

Beowoof November 11, 2012 at 11:18 am

I am aware of at least one guy who claimed he was a Christian who thought wiping out a certain religion would be a good idea.

boskolives November 11, 2012 at 11:45 am

If it's the same goy (heh) I'm thinking of, I believe his following was of the Socialist Christian variety, emphasis on the Socialist part.

PubOption November 11, 2012 at 11:48 am

National Socialist possibly.

boskolives November 11, 2012 at 11:51 am

Another Amen is in order

Beowoof November 11, 2012 at 12:43 pm

But a good Catholic.

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 1:05 pm

…albeit a flatulent one.

Veritas78 November 11, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Lousy painter, though.

bikerlaureate November 11, 2012 at 11:57 am

FlorDuh's own Rev. Terry Jones?

VodkaGoGo November 11, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Only one?

billy_reuben November 12, 2012 at 12:47 am

Really? Only one? I've had quite a few confide exactly that little sentiment to me.

HarryButtle November 11, 2012 at 11:18 am

OT I woke up and realized this morning that the bone-throwing witch doctor in Kenya who predicted Obama would win was right while bazillionaire political genius Karl Rove was completely wrong. And I smiled.

Nothingisamiss November 11, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Oh my, well done. I can't get enough gloating in. Here's one more thing on my list.

Beowoof November 11, 2012 at 11:21 am

Hey Intense Debate is not letting me give anyone p-ness today. :(

PubOption November 11, 2012 at 11:32 am

It seems to be working at the moment.

boskolives November 11, 2012 at 11:54 am

I just gave you one and it worked, please give it back to the management to avoid a late fee.

deanbooth November 11, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Hmmm, the pee button on this comment isn't working either.

VodkaGoGo November 11, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Hmmm… Evolutionary factors like sexual selection are not letting me give anyone p-e-n-i-s today. Well, that and this rash.

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 12:23 pm

You may want to run some basic diagnostics

Beowoof November 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I keep turning it off and on and although I can't see p-ness, I can give it a gentle rub with the mouse and it gets bigger.

Toomush_Infer November 11, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Bigger is good….

Nothingisamiss November 11, 2012 at 10:56 pm

I want p-ness and I want it now!

LibrarianX November 11, 2012 at 11:24 am

"inaccurate perception of reality, materialism"? I had a friend as an undergrad who liked to "prove" materialism with headbutts.

FeloniousMonk November 11, 2012 at 6:16 pm

That's arguably kinder than Alan Sokal: "Anyone who believes that the laws of physics are mere social conventions is invited to try transgressing those conventions from the windows of my apartment. (I live on the twenty-first floor.)"

subsum November 11, 2012 at 11:27 am

Actually, the line goes "Fuck me! Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism …" Don't misquote Walter Sobchak. This aggression will not stand, man!

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 12:50 pm

So you're saying I shouldn't try to Mittenize the classics? I guess this is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.

BloviateMe November 11, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I see what you gosh darn diddly did right there.

subsum November 11, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Well, if we must continue the debate about Juan, over here, first, he's standing over the Philipines archipelago. Secondly, given what he's trying to defend against the sickle-and-hammer, he's most likely Asian, not Latin American. Regardless, though, "… The Chinaman is not the issue here, Dude!"

boskolives November 11, 2012 at 11:28 am

I'd like to dedicate my many sleepless nights as a kid while laying down in bed and facing away from the window so I wouldn't get hit in the face with broken glass from the bomb's shock wave to the paranoia generated by the anti-commies. So thanks a pantfull.

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm

"facing away from the window so I wouldn't get hit in the face with broken glass from the bomb's shock wave"

However, facing away from the window *will* make it easier for The Boogeyman to sneak up on you, so there's that.

CindynEncinitas November 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

My mom kept a few obligatory canned goods in the hall closet out of her mild *thank Jeebus* fear of the Reds. And prolly her knowledge that we could overpower the Mormons next door if we got really hungry.

PubOption November 11, 2012 at 11:28 am

Whoever drew that image was a terrible geographer. Did the Birchers advocate home-schooling?

TheGyrus November 11, 2012 at 11:31 am

Communism’s goal is to eliminate the family and separate children from their parents… by forcing both father and mother to work long hours just to survive and by placing their children in state-sponsored day cares and schools….

See, the problem with Communism is that day cares are state sponsored, wear-as in Capitalism, the money to pay for it comes directly out of the hard-working mother and father's pockets. As God intended.

deanbooth November 11, 2012 at 11:38 am

Communism is a totally negative system — a denial of all that is true, righteous, and good

Reminds me of a story: A few years ago on election day I had forgotten to bring my Dem voter guide with me to work. I sent out an email to everyone in the company asking if anyone had a voting guide, either party would do.

CrunchyKnee November 11, 2012 at 11:40 am

Is that dude in the cartoon wearing pointy toed pumps to the slaughter a sly nod toward "commies = the gheys?" Or maybe, the cartoonist just likes pointy toed pumps?

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 1:09 pm

In general, I do not like flat or flabby things. Pointy things are much preferred.

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Juan just likes to be fabulous.

american__mutt November 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

Thanks for the nerd PDF.

Mittens Howell, III November 11, 2012 at 11:42 am

Other Marx quotes: "Jesus was a cross dresser." and "Our goal is to destroy Fox news and stop it's evil dissemination of truth, while preserving the occasional broadcasting of upskirt shots."

PubOption November 11, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Are you using cross dresser in the sense of window dresser, where dress means decorate?

BaldarTFlagass November 11, 2012 at 11:42 am

There's a lot of things with which we need to concern ourselves these days, but creeping communism is certainly no longer among them.

CrunchyKnee November 11, 2012 at 11:45 am

Or as the kids say these days, "I got 99 problems, but a Bolshevik aint one."

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Dude, truly. Speaking as an under-30, anyone today preaching about the evils of Communism may as well denounce ragtime and horseless carriages, as well…

PugglesRule November 11, 2012 at 5:57 pm

And velocipedes. Don't forget to denounce velocipedes!

Butch_Wagstaff November 11, 2012 at 6:18 pm

That danged jazzy pianer music that cause the ladies to dance and show their knees! UGH!

FeloniousMonk November 11, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Speaking as an old, you young whippersnappers may want to notice that them there horseless carriages is contributing to this here global warmin'. We warned youse! Course, the horses farted nearly as much as the cows. And the smell of the horseshit in the streets would fair make you lose yer lunch. And … nurse! what was I talking about?

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Correct. Creeping communism is not a problem. It's the somnolent variety that scares the crap out of me.

Stevola November 11, 2012 at 2:17 pm

That's what "they" want you to think…

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 2:43 pm

They are trying to lull you into a false sense of security! /Dale Gribble

BloviateMe November 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Personally, the horse and bayonet disparity keeps me up at night.

Barrelhse November 11, 2012 at 9:51 pm

That's what they'd LIKE you to think!!!

RufusTFirefly November 12, 2012 at 8:28 am

That's part of the Communist plan–lull us into a false sense of security before they swoop in and set up day care centers for everyone.

Lizzietish81 November 12, 2012 at 9:16 am
BaldarTFlagass November 11, 2012 at 11:45 am

Why is Giant Guy Straddling Philippines Like Colussus of Rhodes wearing women's shoes?

boskolives November 11, 2012 at 11:57 am

He's one of three identical triplets, so if you've see Juan, you've seen them all.

Sorry, so very sorry

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Bosco lives in all his chocolatey goodness.

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Interesting that you read his screen name as "bosko lives"; I always thought it was "bosk olives". But then, I like olives.

boskolives November 11, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Bosko was the worlds best dog, ever. He was a 115 pound Husky Malamute mix who made it to the age of 14 in people years, outliving the vet who said Bosko "might" live to be 8 or 10 because of his size. So it goes. The name Boskolives is sort of a variant on the Greek use of "Z" for "He Lives" in the film by Costa-Gavras, which also had the name "Z", too.

CindynEncinitas November 12, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Bosco is by far the best chocolate syrup. They still sell it at Stater Bros and my 19-year-old son agrees that it rules. But I'm sure your dog was wonderful and he went to heaven.

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 12:10 pm

He stoled 'em from Imelda's closet.

And Boskolives is definitely going to hell for that pun.

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Definitely. I'm dialing the NKVD now. ;0)

Monsieur_Grumpe November 11, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I think it's porn.

Lucidamente1 November 11, 2012 at 11:52 am

I'm glad Juan dela Cruz's mother put his name on his tinfoil hat.

johnnyzhivago November 11, 2012 at 11:55 am

OT – Your faithful friend Johnny is back…. The compound suffered significant damage – although everyone is fine which is all that counts. Our power returned yesterday and our internet service this morning.

A large ash tree basically gay-married a black walnut and took it to it's deathly resting place on top of our house, breaking windows, putting holes through things and crushing our deck. No people or cats were injured. The whole area is just a wreck – and this is 60 miles inland almost into Pennsyltucky.

The last I heard was that Romney was going to win, so I guess my question is what do you all think about the new Republican administration? Bummer!

Hope everyone else made out ok!!!! :) :)

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 11:58 am

Congrats! And Happy Veteran's Day!

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Welcome back, glad you survived, and did you hear the terrific news? Kang won!

johnnyzhivago November 11, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Wow – I just heard the good news…. But what is this??? The GOP is vowing to make Hillary Clinton a one term president in 2016??????

CindynEncinitas November 12, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Yeah. And by the way, you're going to have to go help Peggy Nooninghampton rassle with a couple of pill bottles and an ice cube tray… That's what you get when you miss the meeting…

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Don't blame me; I voted for Kodos.

PugglesRule November 11, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Don't blame me, I voted for Klaatu.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 12, 2012 at 4:14 am

*cough*

SayItWithWookies November 11, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Glad you're back and the humans and critters are safe. And yes, our president's squeak-by re-election by a mere 130 or so electoral votes means he's going to have to give the House Republicans everything they want. A sad victory indeed, but if we have to repeal Obamacare and cut taxes for the wealthy to save the union, then so be it, right?

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I fear you are correct.

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Well the first thing they want to say is, Mandate, my ass.

shelwood46 November 11, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Congrats, Johnny. I'm in Princeton, and I, too, got my electric back yesterday and my wifi about an hour ago. If you hadn't said the thing about the tree into the roof, I would suspect you lived somewhere in my house. (We only had trees take out two poles and rip the service off our house). Good luck with your repairs.

As far as I can tell, Mitt also too has not had power or wifi, so he is preparing his transition. Boehner and McConnell are totally on board.

johnnyzhivago November 11, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Glad to hear you're back too! It was sort of like Trees Vs. People around here (Hunterdon County).

Both Sides Do It November 11, 2012 at 11:56 am

Oh man "- with votes!" needs to be a thing

"I want him *dead*, I want his family *dead*, I want his house *burned to the ground* – with votes!"

"Give us da money, Lebowski, or we'll cut off your johnson – with votes!"

"Carthage must be destroyed – with votes!"

We needed this snark technology back in 2009-2010, though, in the days of "second amendment remedy".

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 12:40 pm

You… must be new around here.

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Clearly. Let the ritual hazing begin!

(with votes)

Both Sides Do It November 11, 2012 at 2:46 pm

*assumes the "exercise the franchise" position*

VodkaGoGo November 11, 2012 at 11:57 am

In its suppression of the higher aspects of man’s character, it unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man.

I would find the lack of self awareness demonstrated here charming if it weren't a pretty good explaination for why I had left the church by the time I hit high school.

weejee November 11, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Communism…unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man

And the Xtains think teaching this to high schoolers won't pique their interest just a tad??

Vodka shooters around!! Break-out the Wesson Oil™, were gonna do something new and different on the Slip-and-Slide™.

An_Outhouse November 11, 2012 at 12:55 pm

All those anti drug pamphlets made me want to try LSD something fierce.

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 1:32 pm

D.A.R.E. = drugs are really exciting.

glasspusher November 11, 2012 at 6:07 pm

S.O.B.E.R.- Sex often brings exciting results.

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Miss Beastly was my third-grade teacher.

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

weejee November 11, 2012 at 1:41 pm

When you book, ask for the Bryan Fischer / Ralph Reed special. That includes the rubber tarp and your choice of lime jello or Wesson Oil for the slide lube.

glasspusher November 11, 2012 at 6:08 pm

What's our little skeptic doing today?

memzilla November 12, 2012 at 12:28 am

I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doktor.

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Is the guy in the illustration, who is wearing high heels [?] and brandishing the sword labeled "Democracy", supposed to be smiting the commies, and therefore on our side? He looks rather threatening to me, although quite fashion-forward.
Also, according to his hat made out of the top part of a pumpkin [?], his name is Juan, which is a brown name, so he's possibly a terraist, and at the very least, a moocher.

weejee November 11, 2012 at 1:29 pm

his name is Juan

Oily Juan Canoly, the rapeseed magnate?

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Oily Juan Cannolli is the legendary Spanish-Italian space wizard/pastry chef.
There is no such thing as rapeseed, remember?

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Help me Oily Juan Cannolli, you're my only hope!

Biel_ze_Bubba November 11, 2012 at 1:45 pm

In the '60s, Marcos was anxious to assist with the commie-bashing in Vietnam. I'm guessing that Juan is a PHILCAG operative.
The artist was obviously stumped by the concept of a Spanish-speaking southeast asian, which may explain why we have a coolie named Juan.

not that Dewey November 11, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Freedom Fighters from Outer Juangolia.

Wile E. Quixote November 11, 2012 at 6:09 pm

I was wondering if the illustration meant that democracy was endangered by communism and that its primary defender was a Filipino drag-queen named Juan who was wearing a hat shaped like a pumpkin, slacks and pumps.

Barrelhse November 11, 2012 at 9:54 pm

At first glance I thought it was "I Dream of Jeannie".

BarackMyWorld November 11, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Joe McCarthy's ghost could masturbating furiously to this, I reckon.

Dashboard Buddha November 11, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Under normal circumstances he would, but he's too busy sucking Satan's cock while floating naked in a pool of snapping turtles.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 11, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Pics or it isn't er, never happened.

eggsacklywright November 11, 2012 at 1:33 pm

With a few piranha thrown in for good measure.

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 2:54 pm

And those Amazon river fish that like to swim up people's urethras.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candiru

Dashboard Buddha November 11, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Man…I forgot how subtle his work was.

BloviateMe November 11, 2012 at 5:43 pm

It's like they don't even SEE the "EXIT ONLY" sign.

Butch_Wagstaff November 11, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Drunkenly masturbating, probably.

boskolives November 11, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Yeah, like there's another way.

Lucidamente1 November 11, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Left out the part where Howard Philips called Reagan "a useful idiot for Soviet propaganda" and "a weak man with a strong wife and a strong staff."

Blueb4sinrise November 11, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Inspired by AlterNewt………….
Sister Rosetta Tharpe .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHKZVJraSpc&fe

Or……maybe Vince Taylor……[will have to review my YT history to figure out how I ended up there]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPxmPdDQtQA&fe

FeloniousMonk November 11, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Or Blind Willie Johnson doing the song that supposedly got him arrested in New Orleans.

AlterNewt November 11, 2012 at 3:42 pm

It's a shame that Sister Rosetta Tharpe wasn't here to back up Sister Lemmie Battles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIa1d6F2LTE

GeneralLerong November 11, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I wonder how much it would cost to buy the entire warehouse of A Beka books and hire a fireworks and demolition crew to send it up in a blaze of glory?

For the children.

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I understand that Mitt has some never-been-used (or ever-will) fireworks you could prolly pick up at a bargain price!

Rotundo_ November 11, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I'm betting that most of those will be around for the family fourth of July picnic next year. Mittens like most of the wealthy wouldn't let anything go to waste, he's too cheap.

shelwood46 November 11, 2012 at 3:42 pm

And he will off-load that $25K fireworks display to the local town council for a bargain price of $24,999 plus a donation to his campaign (for debt, or 2016, or Tagg, Egg hasn't decided).

MWhite:LittleCunningPlan November 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

You mean 'with votes', right? Of course you do!

CindynEncinitas November 12, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Yer gonna wanna go to Oklahoma. They'll sell a 7-year-old a quarter stick of dynamite. It's awesome.

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 12:32 pm

So, basically, anything other than Jeebus is ungood, but Communism is double-plus ungood.

snowpointsecret November 11, 2012 at 12:33 pm

This is why Communism and Biblical Christianity must always be locked in mortal combat for the hearts and minds of people everywhere.

Forgive me for saying this but… FATALITY.

Negropolis November 11, 2012 at 10:10 pm

FINISH HIM!

Goonemeritus November 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Well I guess these strong feelings about Communism explain some of the shocked looks I got at my last senior management meeting when I mentioned that Karl Marx had some good ideas.

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 2:55 pm

You know who ELSE had some good ideas?

Goonemeritus November 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Me?

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm

"Communism asserts its totalitarian power over the body and soul of every human being under its control and will not tolerate any interference from the God of the Bible and Christianity. This is why Communism and Biblical Christianity must always be locked in mortal combat for the hearts and minds of people everywhere."

"How dare those evil commies try to rule over the bodies and souls of every human being with totalitarian power! That's OUR job! Damn commies, poaching our customer base! Lousy, rotten, stinkin' [mumble]…"

Biel_ze_Bubba November 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

"Fundamentalism asserts its totalitarian power over the body and soul of every human being under its control and will not tolerate any interference with the God of the Bible and Christianity."

Scary to think about how much they have in common. We should be grateful they're so bitchy, and are unlikely to become BFF's.

snowpointsecret November 11, 2012 at 12:36 pm

By the end of this I was so confused that I was wondering "isn't Marx a type of tailless cat?" Then I realized that was a minx.

Imagine a society run by tailless cats. It would get more done than our current Congress.

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 12:46 pm

It's all part of our Master Plan:
http://media.theonion.com/images/articles/article

You humans have made far too many faux-paws to be left in charge.

snowpointsecret November 11, 2012 at 12:47 pm

I, for one, welcome our new feline overlords.

PubOption November 11, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Manx, or Isle of Man, cats are missing tails.

snowpointsecret November 11, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Okay, apparently I was even more confused than expected. The point about congressional cats still stands, however.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 11, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Unless you were thinging "minks". That's a different furry mammal entirely. Cute, sure, but they'd be pretty shitty overlords.

Barrelhse November 11, 2012 at 10:12 pm

"Fucks like a mink."

PubOption November 11, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Absolutely.

Dashboard Buddha November 11, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I think that's a manx. A minx is a girl or young woman who is considered pert, flirtatious, or impudent. I think a government run by flirtatious young women would be awesome!

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Minxocracy Now!

AlterNewt November 11, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I, for one…well…you know…

CindynEncinitas November 12, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Better than the Ken dolls we have in there now!

Misty Malarky November 11, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Isn't that the same outfit Shirley Jones and Susan Dey wore on The Partridge Family?

bikerlaureate November 11, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Everything old is new again, while possibly retaining its schlock value.

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 12:39 pm

"Marx said a thing that didn’t mention killing millions, but since people calling themselves Marxists used it as an excuse to kill millions, he only could have meant “go kill millions.”"

*cough*Inquisition*cough*crusades*cough*witch burnings*cough*

fishwharf November 11, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Commie and God damn proud of it!

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 12:41 pm

"Communism is a totally negative system — a denial of all that is true, righteous, and good. In its suppression of the higher aspects of man’s character, it unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man."

Rape! Murder! Carnage! War! Pillaging! Pestilence! Leaving all the lights on like we're made out of electricity or something!

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Based on the scale of human misery, the only difference I can see between these two systems of oppression is the lapel pin worn by the persecutors…

glasspusher November 11, 2012 at 5:15 pm

If I take the square root of a totally negative system, do I get an imaginary system?

snowpointsecret November 11, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Seriously. They aren’t even trying now. Yeah, yeah, and liberals and feminists and teh gheys want to “destroy the family,” too, and the schools are part of the plot.

Yeah… Sorry about ruining your families over there, I was just having a little fun!

tessiee November 11, 2012 at 12:47 pm

"Communism’s goal is to eliminate the family and separate children from their parents… by forcing both father and mother to work long hours just to survive and by placing their children in state-sponsored day cares and schools"

As contrasted with capitalism, which allows the whole family to toil in the same sweatshop… although it's true that they don't always let them sit together.

CindynEncinitas November 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Where is this "communism?" They failed to separate me from my 19 year old who won't go to school or get a job because he's a "musician" now? What is the address?

An_Outhouse November 11, 2012 at 12:52 pm

"materialism, contends that matter is eternal and is in a continual process of evolutionary change"

like the carbon and nitrogen cycles? like the fact that every once in awhile I smell dinosaur farts?

SayItWithWookies November 11, 2012 at 12:54 pm

No morality. Communism drifts in a sea of relativistic thinking. A natural consequence of atheism is the loss of moral absolutes. No God means no law; no law means no absolute standards of good and evil… This false perception of morality explains why Communists can justify the murder of many millions of people in the countries they have conquered.

600,000 dead-but-free Iraqis agree.

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 1:24 pm

A favorite Onion headline: "Dead Iraqi Would Have Loved Democracy"

proudgrampa November 11, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Thanks, Dok! Time for me to get another new keyboard after spewing my martini!!!

An_Outhouse November 11, 2012 at 12:58 pm

This false perception of morality explains why Communists Christians, aware of the white man's burden, can justify the murder of many millions of people in the countries they have conquered

bikerlaureate November 11, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Are you insinuating that "Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out" is not straight outa one of the Gospels?

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Dashboard Buddha November 11, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Oh, I get the picture now. "Juan" is a native of the Philippines and he's wearing colorful native garb. He stands like the Colossus of Manila with his scimitar and tasteful red trousers, ready to thwart Creeping Communism.

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Ha! You're right! I thought he was AD-vocating Commonism. Now I see he's defending the 'Pines *against* it.

Still dunno what's up with the evening pumps, though…

Dashboard Buddha November 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Just because you're battling communism doesn't mean you can't look fabulous doing it.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 11, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Slow clap. Juan, the machete of democracy is so wrong. So wrong.

kittensdontlie November 11, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Communism’s insistence on maintaining the “collective” good…

Swapping Christianity for Communism, leaves the veracity of this statement unchanged.

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 1:08 pm

What are you, some kinda Commie? ;0)

kittensdontlie November 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Red is Santa's color…I'm just sayin'….

gullywompr November 11, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Ya know, I think the Christianists have put the maximum effort into getting their message out there, creating alternate environments in which to educate, and influencing media outlets to reflect their view. They've given it absolutely everything they've got. And Obama still won twice. Think they get it now?

Rotundo_ November 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

No. They believe that America is dead etc. They still do not get it. Secular America has won and they are pissing their pants at the prospect. They don't understand why the message failed. I'm thinking they believe it's a test of their faith, and that Juh-HEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZuSSSSSSSSSSSSS will come back and prove them right and send all the nonbelievers into lakes of fire and brimstone and all that stuff. I am hoping it gets them bored and frustrated with the political process so they quit meddling in it as much.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 11, 2012 at 1:17 pm

"[A]n economy mostly realized by snipping paragraphs here and there, especially illustrative quotations from other books."

You'd be amazed at how much you can economize, just by cutting back on copyright lawsuits.

RelicOven November 11, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Even deeply hungover this gave me a laugh, thanks Dok.

Steverino247 November 11, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Your comment must be approved by the site admins before it will appear in public in those shoes.

MosesInvests November 11, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I stepped up the platform, the man gave me the news,
He said, "You must be joking son, where did you get those sho-oo-oo-ose?
Where did you get those shoes?"

Monsieur_Grumpe November 11, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Kids reading this shit as a truth are really going to have a hard time in the real world. Thanks Mom!

not that Dewey November 11, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Some book publishers see things as they never were and say "why not?"

ahnc November 11, 2012 at 2:06 pm

That illustration looks right out of the 1940s. I bet the Christianists stole it off the Internets.

Misty Malarky November 11, 2012 at 2:32 pm

It reminds me of those religious mini comic books (tracts) you can still find at restaurants and shops in The South.

Feast your eyes! http://www.chick.com/catalog/tractlistCustomWCove

glasspusher November 11, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Holy shit! I once found a similar little pamphlet when I was in grad school in Cleveland- it was an anti evolution rant, with the question "Monkey's Uncle?" on the cover. Good times.

DerrickWildcat November 11, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Make sure you check out what Chick thinks of Mormons.
HAW HAW HAW!

Wile E. Quixote November 11, 2012 at 6:12 pm

I'm surprised that Chick's anti-mormon tracts weren't mailed to every voter on the eve of the South Carolina and Florida Republican primaries by operatives for the Gingrich or Santorum campaigns.

BloviateMe November 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Those fucking Chick tracts.
They make me feel all stabby.
Refrigerator.

Haiku is hard.

Butch_Wagstaff November 11, 2012 at 6:38 pm

On the farm where I grew up there were two rental houses. One of them was rented for a time to a Holiness couple (don't ask me to explain "Holiness"–just Google it if you simply must know more about it). When they were finally evicted for nonpayment of rent (and they hadn't paid rent since the 1st month), they left some stuff in the house that I, and my dad, had to clean out because they abandoned it. Anyhoo, there was a box of religious comics they left behind (not Chick tracts–we're talkin' full-sized format). I was just getting into comics at the time, so I grabbed up the box & read them. Holy crap! There was some messed up stuff in them.
Now that I think about it, I don't think it was a coincidence that it was around the time when I started to question religion.

BlueStateLibel November 11, 2012 at 2:15 pm

"Communism is a totally negative system — a denial of all that is true, righteous, and good. In its suppression of the higher aspects of man’s character, it unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man."

One could say the exact same thing about unregulated free-market capitalism, which has brought us such things as child labor, Bain Capital, tainted food, slavery, poisoned water and air, etc.

TribecaMike November 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm

You know who else said "God is man"? Mark Twain, that's who. Or should that be Marx Twain?

Jesus/Joseph & Mary 2016!

docterry6973 November 11, 2012 at 2:23 pm

"it unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man."

Great. Now my wife wants to me to be a Communist.

fuflans November 11, 2012 at 2:23 pm

i have read all the comment from the last four posts.

my name is fuflans and i am an addict.

AlterNewt November 11, 2012 at 2:34 pm

"Hiiiiiiii, fuflans"

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 2:45 pm

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

cheetojeebus November 11, 2012 at 4:22 pm

The operative word here is " Trucknuts ".

glasspusher November 11, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Sorry to hear. You don't have a good connection I can use?

Chow Yun Flat November 11, 2012 at 2:27 pm

This is very serious. A lack of moral absolutes mean there would be no divine right of kings, no Droit du seigneur, no automatic racial superiority.

Horrors!

LibrarianX November 11, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Juan looks like a Jonny Quest villain – except for the Prada footwear….

Misty Malarky November 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm
TribecaMike November 11, 2012 at 2:52 pm

LOL Is that Edward James Olmos in the first one?

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 3:45 pm

"If the revolution succeeds, Carlos will betray you. ALL revolutionary leaders kill those closest to them. Stalin did it, and so did Castro."

"What about George Washington and John Adams? Or Toussaint Louverture? Or Garibaldi? Or Attaturk? Or the leaders of the Warsaw Ghetto uprising? Or Gandhi? Or Rómulo Betancourt? Or Portugal's "Carnation Revolution"? Or the ousting of Ferdinand Marcos? Or the "Velvet Revolution" in Czechoslovakia?"

"Shut up, my son, read your Bible, and hope that God will do something"

EDIT: I forgot: Haw haw haw!

memzilla November 12, 2012 at 12:56 am

They may be Commies, Dok, but you have to respect the dance moves of both the Soviets and the North Koreans.

Wile E. Quixote November 11, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Awesome. A Chick tract that goes after communists and Catholics!

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 8:26 am

Which issue of Zap Comics was that? I thought I had all the series?…..

Dashboard Buddha November 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Let Juan do it.

proudgrampa November 11, 2012 at 3:01 pm

"Communism…unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man."

Cannot the same be said for religious fundamentalism of any stripe? Christians blowing up abortion clinics seems pretty beastly to me.

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 3:39 pm

"Do as I say, not as I do."

GregComlish November 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Not only did communists conspire against Family Ties, but also Family Matters, All in the Family, Friends, Perfect Strangers, and even Mr. Belvedere. "Our goal is to subvert Capitalism in all forms including shitty sentimental sitcoms and especially those in the ABC Friday night line-up" said Vladimir Lenin.

kakotechnia November 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm

The rallying cry: Eight is Enough!

Misty Malarky November 11, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I can't wait for the Kirk Cameron movie about all of this!

not that Dewey November 11, 2012 at 4:34 pm

The Fourth International: Mad About You

bikerlaureate November 11, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Imma just gonna leave this sitcom generator here…

kakotechnia November 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Marx: Maybe we shouldn't uncritically accept bullshit?
A Beka Book: TOTALLY NEGATIVE SYSTEM!

Joshua Norton November 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm

a denial of all that is true, righteous, and good. In its suppression of the higher aspects of man’s character, it unleashes the beastly aspects — the utterly sinful nature — of man.

Sounds more like the Fox News mission statement to me.

miss_grundy November 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Mittens must have used this book as a study text for the second debate, since he believes that Russia is still the U.S.A.'s number 1 enemy.

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Well, on his turf – i.e., 1955 – it is.

GeneralLerong November 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Actual cute little ponies

The deal with the rebel group, the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, which has fought a war of independence for more than three decades, is the first step in what is expected to be a long, complex process of working through disputes that have lasted for centuries between the Christian-dominated national government and the predominantly Muslim residents of the southern island of Mindanao.

OMG! They're commies and mooslims!

SexySmurf November 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm

And they're also MILFs.

bikerlaureate November 11, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Mooslinists.

glasspusher November 11, 2012 at 5:24 pm

You got Islam in my communism!

bikerlaureate November 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Hold on, you two – Shimmer is a religion and an economic theory…

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 6:51 pm

It's Pinoy Sparkle and Liberation Dash!

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 8:01 pm
kakotechnia November 11, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Communism asserts its totalitarian power over the body and soul of every human being under its control and will not tolerate any interference from the God of the Bible and Christianity.
Totalitarian power over the body and soul of every human being under its control? Hey, that's GOD'S job!

Sassomatic November 11, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Hey I have an idea, lets murder the shit out of the Tea Party, with votes of course. Oh, what? We already did that? Then let us frolic and play with the (vote) corpse, like so many dolphins that have just gang raped a porpoise to death (not with votes).

fuflans November 11, 2012 at 7:08 pm

i'm not sure how porpoises fit in, but we still have joe barton, eric cantor and michele bachman.

MosesInvests November 11, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Did Louie Gohmert (Pyle) get re-elected?

zappadoo76 November 11, 2012 at 4:29 pm

"The U.S. Senate Internal Security Subcommittee conducted investigations into the number killed in the Soviet Union and China. Their report stated that 35 million to 45 million had been killed in the Soviet Union and 34 million to 62.5 million in Communist China."

These numbers get bigger and bigger all the time. Or that's what I used to think. I remember when the anti-communists put the number at 10 million in the Soviet Union. I figured that was because the number had to be greater than the Jews killed in the holocaust. But the folks who made this low-ball estimate and the larger ones that followed must not have been paying attention. Apparently there were way bigger numbers many years ago when the Senate Internal Security Subcommittee was in operation. And guess who was the chairman of that committee.

Joe McCarthy.

He wouldn't lie, now would he?

oenspiek November 11, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Under Communism, man exploits man. Under Christian Capitalism, it's the other way around — as Jeebus intended.

glasspusher November 11, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Still one of the oldest and best jokes I know.

oenspiek November 11, 2012 at 6:30 pm

It's old — but if the joke belongs anywhere, it's this thread!

johnnyzhivago November 11, 2012 at 4:52 pm

If you want to see some crazy wingnut shit – check out Gov. Christie's Facebook page.

99% of the posts are "God is punishing NJ for YOU handing the election to Obama"

BlueStateLibel November 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm

And Mitt Romney is losing a Facebook friend every 4.3 seconds since he lost, and getting comments like these: "we are pretending that Obama isnt the president and that every state leave this socialist union"

bikerlaureate November 11, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Cause and effect (or at least sequential time) seem to be rather flexible in their universe.

glasspusher November 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Is there a longer Planck Time for Christians?

bikerlaureate November 11, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I think we get a head start on removing large pieces of wood from our own eye.

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Plancking is sooo 2011.

BloviateMe November 11, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Haha it turns out my atheist ass wishing it were so, was more powerful than your prayer. That's gotta sting.

Steverino247 November 11, 2012 at 5:00 pm

OT, but why is Chik-fil-A not on this list?
http://themilitarywallet.com/veterans-day-free-me

Why does Chik-fil-A hate veterans?

finallyhappy November 11, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Closed on Sunday? Screwing the Veterans because Obama won?

glasspusher November 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Karl Marx:"The workers control the means of production"

Announcer:"Very good Karl, you're well on your way to that lounge suite!"

finallyhappy November 11, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Wow, I have had quite a good day on FB- first unfriended some guy(don't really know him- our kids – now adults- went to school together) who wrote crap about veterans- how they were all used by the gov't- as if my dad who had to fight to get into WWII and my uncles and every other veteran- had no idea about what or why they went . Then one of his friends wrote "all war is bad – a fact we all have to admit"- not me, sorry . Then another guy( I think I met him once at a meeting) posted some political remark about how liberals read extremist views and believe they are made by mainstream conservatives. I wrote and said I think most of the crazy views are by teabaggers and other rightwingers. The page owner sent me a PM saying my idea was wrong but also how dare I use filthy language referring to a disgusting sex act(really!!). Told him that I was unfriending because obviously many people refer to the teaparty members that way (wearing those stupid teabags on their hats) and if he thinks I was being filthy and disgusting, we shouldn't be FB "friends". I also unfriended some woman who keeps posting sadz about Romney.

Doktor Zoom November 11, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Yeah, but it doesn't sound like you fired anyone.

Butch_Wagstaff November 11, 2012 at 7:22 pm

"I also unfriended some woman who keeps posting sadz about Romney."
How do you know Victoria Jackson?

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Well, it's a start…

Chet Kincaid_ November 11, 2012 at 5:36 pm

At this point, Dok, it would be funnier to just write your own damned chapters for this piece of claptrap:

"Mankind's arrogance and pride reached its pinnacle with the building of the RMS Titanic in 1912. As the largest watercraft ever afloat, it set the standard for the Godless enjoyment of luxurious accommodations, including excellent restaurants, richly appointed cabins and an on-board gymnasium. The Lord was displeased at this lust for storing up treasures on earth, and used His omnipotent power to reassert His primacy, as He had five thousand years earlier when Man sassed God by building the Tower Of Babel: He prepared a Great Iceberg to rend the vessel and send it to the bottom of the sea."

"Due to the Godly actions of the Methodists, Baptists and other non-Papist Christian activists in the Anti-Saloon League, the Volstead Act was passed in 1919 to exorcise the demon Rum from the body of the American Republic. But the reprobate-minded peoples who had immigrated from apostate Catholic countries accepted constant drunkenness as a way of life, and their shameful dissipation was indulged by the oft-besotted High Priests of Papism. Because they refused to give up their vile whiskeys, schnapps and beers, God gave them over to the torments of organized crime and the violence and degeneracy of the brutish, swarthy and foul-mouthed Italians."

not that Dewey November 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm

This is excellent work, Chet, but I'd like to make one small adjustment — "lust for storing up treasures on earth" is actually entirely consistent with the Christianist worldview, and their idea of what their god wants them to do. Tweak it to "lust for international travel bringing us one step closer to One World Government", or some such, and you've got it.

Butch_Wagstaff November 11, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Has someone been watching "Prohibition" recently?

Chet Kincaid_ November 11, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Boardwalk Empire and Wikipedia!

Wile E. Quixote November 11, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Chet, I would totally buy your history book.

Warpde November 11, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Dear God lovers,
The upside of being an Atheist is that I don't believe there is a Heaven or Hell.
The downside is that Hell is where all the Hookers apparently go.

Steverino247 November 11, 2012 at 6:57 pm

No, the worst thing about being an Atheist is there's no one to talk to while getting a blowjob.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 12, 2012 at 4:26 am

I have high fived a friend of mine while we were both getting blowjobs. The subject of conversation was memory architectures for gpu's. It was distracting, but possible.

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 8:10 pm

“Heaven for climate, hell for society.”

~ Mark Twain

Antispandex November 11, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Why is Juan dressed like an Asian guy and threatening everyone with his cane knife?

BlueStateLibel November 11, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Breaking: For the first time in his life, Mitt Rmoney is supposedly trying to FIND jobs for people (his staff), not destroy their jobs, Hell feezes over.

MosesInvests November 11, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Most of them probably would have settled for their credit cards being good through election night.

Toomush_Infer November 12, 2012 at 8:34 am

Shit – he could build a nice little corporation, say a think tank, out of the unspent monies left in his campaign and that of the superpacs – they could rival Faux News, something like Very Faux News……hire hundreds….or he could put car elevators in the rest of his houses….something to think about….

Barrelhse November 11, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Better dead than Red, I suppose. Right, God?

decentcitizen November 11, 2012 at 8:02 pm

It's a well known fact that communists hate their children and feed them to their cats at the first opportunity.

BadKitty904 November 11, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Hey, now…

imissopus November 11, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Kim Jong-Il libel!

mrblifil November 11, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Dude seems to have a serious diarrhea problem.

Negropolis November 11, 2012 at 10:24 pm

The commies are coming! The commies are coming! Don't shoot 'til you see the red of their thoughts.

Schmegeg November 11, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Stealing from Argo: Groucho said what?

GemlikeFlame November 12, 2012 at 12:05 am

Only in very limited circumstances do "liberation" and "theology" belong in the same phrase. In 2003 and 2004, Mrs. Flame and I managed to get a very hard to come by (thank you, Bush administration), religious/educational visa to Cuba to meet with the contemporary pillars of liberation theology in the Presbyterian churches on the island. While it's fair to say that most of the Cuban Protestant theologians were ecumenical to an extreme, they told us that the growing evangelical movement posed the biggest threat to the uneasy stalemate the government and the island's churches had managed to maintain over the last several decades. If things go south when Fidel dies, I know who to look at.

NYNYNYjr November 12, 2012 at 1:35 am

So, I was thinking. Broadwell's book is called 'All In' and the cover is the back of the general's head. It just made me think…was that how she was used to seeing him, when she went all in?

not that Dewey November 12, 2012 at 8:43 am

I think you've pegged it.

cousinitt November 12, 2012 at 2:34 am

For me, the captivating thing about this series of tracts, err, textbooks, is the utter despair and depression they engender. There's this unending series of desperate battles that must be won against an implacable foe. If you, the erstwhile hero of this epic battle despair the God-created dog-shock collar tightens around your soul and you fight on against what you are told is evil. Slog on, you do as you are commanded.

You slay the people of the Communist menace. But you really slay the undead, right? You slay people who happened to be born under the banner of the antichrist: The Marxist conspiracy against God. Without mercy, you must fight for God. You weaponize the atom and you will by God, vaporize the enemy of the dollar, the marketplace, the Elvis.

Sorry, I get enough nihilism as it is shopping at Walmart.

Misty Malarky November 12, 2012 at 7:23 am

OT HAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Today Show's special commentator simply poppin' full of fresh gravitas on the Petraeus scandal? Holier than thou Newt Gingrich, that's who!

Newt also thinks President Obama should compromise with Congress since he so lost that election and that you should buy his new book.

The guy with the wormy looking head is always tickled pink to have Newt on the show and tells him so.

Clarification: I'm watching The Today Show to see the premiere of that adorable Willie Geist.

gurukalehuru November 12, 2012 at 8:15 am

What do Christianity and Communism have in common, other than both starting with the letter C?
A glaring lack of a sense of humor.

Lizzietish81 November 12, 2012 at 8:51 am

Recently I saw a hilarious movie (with Peter Graves) about a guy getting messages from Mars who quote scripture, which leads to Russians embracing Christianity and overthrowing the Soviet government in a violent coup.

Kids today just don't get the "Red Menace", which makes the GOP's overuse of the word even more hilarious.

Negropolis November 12, 2012 at 8:58 am

"Red Menace" would be an appropriate pejorative for the Republican Party, these days.

TribecaMike November 12, 2012 at 2:53 pm

If memory serves, noted red-hater Cecil B. DeMille himself was the voice of God on the radio.

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