jesus never asked for a day off

Prominent Florida Bigots Unite Against Holidays For Perverted, Evil, Terrorist-Cult Children

Broward County's new social studies textbookToday’s lesson in religious tolerance comes to us from Florida, where we are talking about Islam, so, just a heads up, today’s lesson is going to be awful.

The request was to close Broward County schools for two Muslim holidays, the end of Ramadan and the end of Hajj, for the same reason that the schools close for Christian and Jewish holidays: Thousands of students aren’t in school on those days, to observe them. That does not sound so crazy, right? Especially considering there are 18,000 Muslim students — 7 percent of the student population— that it could affect?

No! You are wrong! Turns out, we need the 82d Airborne to drop into South Florida RIGHT NOW, because it has been overrun by the Taliban.

Tell us what the terrorists were asking for, HuffPo:

“We’re not asking them to close the whole district down, but at least give the kids off,” CAIR Executive Director Nezar Hamze told The Huffington Post, noting he has received hundreds of complaints from Muslim parents whose children miss a day of school to observe the holidays…

The school district cites high absenteeism, not religious observances, as the reason it closes on Christian and Jewish holidays.

Got it. So, even if it doesn’t end up being something the school district decides to do, it’s not a crazy thing to ask about, right?

“Muslim people are beautiful people, but their religion, which is Islam, is not good. It’s very violent and evil,” argued the Rev. O’Neal Dozier of the Worldwide Christian Center in Pompano Beach.

Ah. Well, that is slightly less accepting than would seem reasonable. At least everyone else was being cool, right?

Outside the meeting, protestors carried signs reading “Protect Our Children No Holiday For Perverted Cult” and “Teach Math Not Sharia.”

Florida! Color us shocked! The state that didn’t finish counting Tuesday’s presidential votes until Sunday is not really doing that well culturally?

Also, for those of you wondering about the charming pastor who said Muslims suck: He’s the same guy who said gay people were so disgusting they “make God want to vomit,” a repulsive statement for which Rick Santorum made him honorary chairman of his Florida campaign.

So we’ve got the bigoted minister, “sharia,” and “evil.” All that we seem to be missing here is “jihad” and “terrorism.” Anyone?

“The group promoting and asking for this is associated with terrorism,” charged Joe Kaufman, chairman of Coral Springs-based Americans Against Hate.

There it is!

Another opponent accused the Florida chapter of the Council on American Islamic Relations of “cultural jihad.”

Hooray! We’ve hit all the bases! For the children.

(Hamze has “caused problems” with his crazy “requests for tolerance” before — when he confronted Rep. Allen West (R-Gun) about his treatment of Muslims, West responded with “You attacked us.”)

And yes, in case you are wondering, Joe Kaufman and Hamze have met before too: When Hamze tried to join the Broward Republican Party, Kaufman blocked his membership with a weird campaign so hateful, The Daily Show didn’t really even have to try when they made him look like an insane person. Then, obviously, Kaufman ran for Congress.

You might be compelled to think it’s not the entire state that responds to “Let’s give children a day off from school” by saying “You are evil and also a terrorist.” Isn’t there a liberal chunk of Florida, you might ask?

Yes! There is! This is what happens in the liberal chunk of Florida. [HuffPo]

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  1. memzilla

    I've said it and said it: we need to build a 400 foot Sawzall and just amputate this festering pile of pus-filled hatred called Florida from the rest of the nation.

    Erm… amputate with votes, of course.

          1. glasspusher

            Well, hey, it did go blue in the last two elections. Certainly there must be some good folks there…

    1. BoroPrimorac

      Do Muslim children in California have the day off for their holidays? Give us a break, we're trying to overthrow the redneck/republican hold on our state.

      By the way, O'Neal Dozier is black and Joe Kaufman is Jewish. Just sayin'.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Who knew? A bunch of deluded Christians in Pompano Beach. They're just keeping it from the rest of the world until they're ready to launch their jihad, er, crusade, er evangelizing with zeal.

      1. miss_grundy

        We can arrange to do that to every Republican out there. Just tell them they tested positive for peen cancer and we have to cut it off.

  2. memzilla

    The school district cites high absenteeism, not religious observances, as the reason it closes on Christian and Jewish holidays.

    Translation: when too many students are absent, we don't get enuf Federal munniez to cover overhead.

  3. Mahousu

    "Americans Against Hate"

    I understand their meeting room is modeled on the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles.

  4. BoatOfVelociraptors

    Jesus fing turtles mcchrist, watching morning joe was exasperating. How do you make a connection betwixt budgetary concerns and justice while failing to note that investigations cost money?

  5. Giveusabob

    I believe I could cancel my Netflix and instead watch live streams of misc Florida webcams or local news. Far more entertaining, and zanier hi jinks.

    1. YouFail4eva

      Eh, I wouldn't. The amount of stress you'd get from yelling "He's behind the door, you idiot!" would probably hurt quite a bit.

    2. bikerlaureate

      Not as compelling as you might think. The "news" personnel at the Orlando stations, anyway, are pretty invested in patting themselves on the back – as if we should all find their offcamera antics as riveting as they do.

  6. BklynIlluminati

    Shouldn't the libertarian/conservative angle on this be no one gets a religious holiday and it is your right to choose not to send your child to school on that,but its your personal responsibility for you and your child to make up any work missed and your child must lift himself by his own boot straps? Oh wait that would mean practice what you preach sorry my bad

    1. biraweeyaz

      the REAL libertarian/conservative angle would be that you don't send your kids to commie public school because the government can't do anything right anyway, so you should shell out that $20k to send your kids to a nice Christian school where they'll never learn real science.

  7. Trannysurprise

    This in a state where the home schooled kids are forced to study on MLK Day and eat Chik-Fil-A to prove their hate.

  8. 216stitches

    Help us puhlease!!! We like our cray cray down here in Florida, but we don't want those crazies. Why can't Alabama take them?

  9. ChillBill

    It's hard, but I'll give Florida a break for another week since they turned (slightly) blue during this election (plus, they elected Alan Grayson and that guy that ran against Allen West).

    1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Wait, Alan Grayson is back? How have I not heard this until now! I await awesomeness from Congress.

  10. Loch_Nessosaur

    Hey, we're working on it. Florida went for Obama for the second time, re-elected a Dem Senator and sent 3 new Dems to Congress, while getting rid of Allen West at the same time. We also thwarted 7 out of 10 ALEC ballot amendments (all the major ones lost) and kept the Florida Supreme Court somewhat impartial. We shall overcome. Plus, it's 80 degrees outside.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          This comment was reading the story above to its kid when the kid said "Agh, I gotta leave for school! Great time management, Dad!" At which point, this comment noted that the kid had been playing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood for the last hour.

          1. actor212

            This comment has it, and yes, it's Punched The Bear. That's why it forgot its iomework. It'll trade an hour playing for a chance to peek at your mom in the shower.

          2. Dudleydidwrong

            Finally! A deleted comment that gets to the level of daily kinkiness that we have come to expect and love.

  11. Goonemeritus

    This is why I loved living in Montreal, you got all the English monarchy type holidays and you got the holidays meant to kick sand in the face of those English “fog breathing bastards”.

  12. ChillBill

    "When Hamze tried to join the Broward Republican Party…"

    Muslims trying to join the Republican Party has to be the biggest irony in the history of the world.

      1. PugglesRule

        How about gay transgender teenagers, like my kid?

        I'll stand off to the side while your head explodes.

  13. johnnyzhivago

    It's pretty obvious that the whole Obama election was due to secret Muslims infiltrating the Continental Congress and installing the outrageous "Electoral College". I think this is outlined in Sharia law.

    The Electoral College also surpressed the Romney popular vote by giving white voters the notion that "their vote doesn't really count". How about a fair system that allocates electors by square miles instead of people?

    Also: what does Christie do to solve gas lines? Odd-Even rationing. Odd-Even?? Arithmetic??? Invented by who??? Arabs!!!

    That's right folks, New Jersey now under Sharia Law.

    1. LesBontemps

      Only the enslaved Northern counties. Down here in the Free Republic of Pineyland and Casinos, we fll up whenever we damn well please!

    2. malsperanza

      How about a fair system that allocates electors by square miles instead of people?

      Excellent idea. This would clear up all the confusion among voters who look at the election map and wonder how Obama could have gotten elected when such huge areas of the country–really, the whole west and south and middle–are red states.

  14. EatsBabyDingos

    Does hair spontaneously grow out of the ground in Florida? Because I've never seen a hairless armpit.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      The REAL scandal is that we invite them in on all the rest of the days, just as if they were regular people!

      1. not that Dewey

        That's funny — when I was a 1st-grader in the Real America, former slave-holding region of Southern Illinois, the teacher told us one day, "Now, class. There's going to be a black family joining our school. We want you to treat them just like they were regular people". No lie.

  15. biraweeyaz

    jesus fucking christ. when are these wingnuts going to realize their views are EXACTLY THE SAME as the crazy muslims they despise so much? hatred of gheys? check. no sexytime before marriage? check. ambiguous lines between church and state? check.

    the only difference is that american muslims are so fucking terrified of upsetting anyone that they keep unusually quiet in their communities, considering their numbers. so everyone needs to CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

  16. sbj1964

    What about all the gays in Miami's south beach,should we not close the schools for Elton Johns birthday as well?

  17. ph7

    Let's end this all and set aside one "Superstition Monday" holiday every month, so parents may practice whatever voodoo they choose to involuntarily force upon their children. In turn, then provide one week of "Reason Reflection" at the end of the year and another the first week of spring, so kids can enjoy good weather without being dragged to some bullying session about God.

  18. docterry6973

    Later that day the Florida GOP committee announced it's new outreach for Muslim voters.

    "I think that when the terrorist followers of that perverted cult hear our positions on the issues they will realize that they have a home in today's Republican party." said Lenny Curry, chairman of the Florida GOP.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    "Joe Kaufman, chairman of Coral Springs-based Americans Against Hate."

    Americans Against Hate. That's a joke name, right? Or is it irony?

  20. Goonemeritus

    Thumbs up for everyone in honor of our Veteran and to celebrate another Monday without a Republican in the Whitehouse.

  21. Chet Kincaid_

    I declare the United States Of Blue Counties! Slow all interstate and intrastate commerce to a crawl! Red County passports from the Bush will not be allowed in or through without a good reason to do pressing business in the civilized areas. This is what antibodies do with parasites!

    Ryan Lizza was on Soledad this morning pointing out that Texas is now a majority-minority state. Even Miss Lindsay Graham is on the TV with a plan to force-feed Spanish lessons to his colleagues. Stow the knee-jerk response to excise whole states, it doesn't match the situation on the ground anymore.

    1. glasspusher

      Yes, I was enjoying looking at the long, virtually continuous line of blue snaking from Maryland to Texas on the presidential county voting map, and how south Texas was looking bluer than the sky in "Sweet Home Alabama". The color is on the map, Repubs! Adapt or perish (either is fine with me!)

        1. glasspusher

          Wonderful article in the new New Yorker, Repubs saying if Texas goes blue, they're fucked for presidential elections. I wonder how much sway the new right wing Hispanic Repubs can sway that vote. Hispanics who are jerks are still jerks…

          1. Jennyjen798

            I can see the older patriarchs voting for the hispanic repub jerks as well as the hard core brainwashed Catholics like my welfare queen sister. The younger hispanics both women and men will vote democrat (if they have a fucking choice, get your shit together Texas democrats!) as will the older more liberalized hispanic women (e.g. the divorced women of the asshole patriarchs who wouldn't vote for someone like their machismo ex-husband if their life depended on it. Ha! I know a ton of those.)

            The things with hispanics is that they actually work hard and do have conservative, traditional family values but they also value a functioning government. They don't see the government as bad unless it's deporting a family member, or some other social injustice; and that's where they have more in common with democrats than republicans. That and the racist factor that insists they're (mexicans) all welfare queens sucking up all the white folks free foods and cell phones. Regardless of the fact that most mexicans are busting their ass off working two or more minimum wage jobs to provide for not just their immediate family but their extended family too. Anywho. Texas would already be a swing state if the democratic party wasn't so fucking incompetent.

          2. glasspusher

            Wow, excellent analysis. It's funny- go with the evil, stupid, lockstep party or the thinking man's party where getting people together is like herding cats. I'm enjoying my newfound minority status, over 40 white guy who votes Democratic. Awesomesauce.Seriously, any time the Dems field a candidate for prez that is slightly more than a stiff (are you listening, Gore and Kerry?), the election ends up not even being close. Of course, Gore had it in 2000, but what's done is done.I'll be watching Lizzie Warren closely in the next couple of years, and not just for enjoyment's sake. The possibility of her doing a presidential run is more than a pipe dream, and then women will really come out in force (more so than their usual).I have a good liberal friend in Oklahoma. Now that's the reddest of the red. Holy guacamole.

          3. glasspusher

            Oh, and I agree- out here in Oakland CA I have yet to see a shiftless Hispanic. They're all busting their asses, just like my grandparents did when they came to this country, and passing that work ethic along to their kids. The indigenous lazy types always hate the hard working new immigrants. It's been that way in this country since forever. I see no change in sight.

    2. MosesInvests

      Amen from deep blue Austin, Texas!
      I also noted that the blue areas of Florida, besides Palm Beach/Broward/Dade counties, Orlando, and Tampa Bay were Gainesville and Tallahassee, home of University of Florida and Florida State University. IOW, *educated* Floridians vote Democratic. Like educated people everywhere in the US.

  22. ingloriousbytch

    This is all a recruitment technique. Nothing will make Florida's children convert to Islam faster than finding out it would give them another day off from school. Well played Moslins. Well played.

  23. SorosBot

    Christian people are beautiful people, but their religion, which is Christianity, is not good. It’s very violent and evil.

  24. glasspusher

    Rutgers, my alma mater, handled this a slightly different way: when faced with new holidays for everything this side of the FSM, they said fine: No holidays for anyone! Thanksgiving(secular), winter break, spring break and that's it!

      1. glasspusher

        No, not really. End of the semester. Trimesters would give them more trouble, then, to justify a winter break. One could also argue that spring break is associated with Easter, but I remember at least 2 years when they didn't coincide.Of course, my bday is Dec 15, smack dab in the middle of finals week. College really drove home that my bday was just another day, and usually a busy one…

    1. PugglesRule

      We (meaning state of Cheeeseheads employees) used to get the afternoon off on Good Friday, presumably so we could be all religious and attend long, dozy church services. Then somebody sued (in the late 80s? early 90s?) and now we get 4 hours of annual leave that we can use any damn time we want. As an agnostic, I was very happy about that.

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    Next thing you know, the gays will be wanting their kids to have a school holiday on Stonewall Day.

  26. christianmuslin

    Two Christian holidays, two Jewish holidays, two Islamic holidays, and throw in Thanksgiving for the Native Americans, what's the problem? Oh yea, counting, something Floridians are still trying to figure out how "x" always equals republicans win! Needs more blue!

  27. Lizzietish81

    "Prominent Florida Bigots Unite Against Holidays For Perverted, Evil, Terrorist-Cult Children"

    Damn, I mean I knew Catholicism wasn't as popular in the Bible belt but….

    Oh he means Islam…..hunh

  28. CommieDad

    Poor Republicans. If they want to win elections, they have to appeal to Melanin Americans and Ovarian Americans. To do that, they need to reduce their racism by 100%. But this will piss off the American Taliban (a.k.a. fundamentalist "Christians"). What to do?

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      One possible plan is to try and divide and conquer by levels of melanin, which is a time-honored American immigrant mindset. "Messicans, you ain't white yet, but at least you ain't home grown American Negroes!"

      1. bikerlaureate

        I know I feel so much better about being a materialistic failure when I can sit around with people of similar hue and reaffirm how much better we all are than those… darker moochers.

  29. Defeatably_Joe

    “The group promoting and asking for this is associated with terrorism,” charged Joe Kaufman, chairman of Coral Springs-based Americans Against Hate.

    Fun bit of history about that whole "CAIR is associated with terrists" nonsense: It's basically the story about how the Bush administration was a bunch of bigoted shitbags that smeared pretty much every muslim group in the country without evidence. Of course, since they were jailing innocent muslims without evidence or charges as "material witnesses", and would later start torturing people, one might think these accusations might've lost a bit of credibility by now.

    Just not amongst these guys who ache for a modern-day revival of the Inquisition.

  30. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    I propose that the for the next week, we focus on silly Democrats doing right by people, in a humorous, and even snarky way. These people are too depressing.

  31. Toomush_Infer

    This is what happens when you squeeze Florida with votes – it doesn't get a chubby, but it does bulge out in spots….

  32. T3rbo

    Where does this idea come from, that all (1.8 billion? 2.2 billion?) Muslims in the world are the same? It didn't come from this group of mouth breathers, they are consumers, not producers, of thought. I am guessing that the internal dialog of the protestors who are against the idea of giving children the day off school matches the external dialog. Poor people-they get screamed at thousands of times a day, inside their heads, about these kinds of insane nonsensical ideas, and it never stops. Picture a little tiny person, screaming, holding a sign when you try to make toast in the morning. Jihad, indeed.

    1. TribecaMike

      Bit o' trivia: the guy who was the first to display those John 3:16 signs at football games is currently serving a life sentence for kidnapping.

    2. bikerlaureate

      I'm so sick of all you fundies promoting your ancient, separatist,. government-overthrowing, violence-inducing beliefs on the Wonkets.

  33. DixvilleCrotch

    That googly-eyed mooselimb on the cover looks pretty harmless to me.

    BTW what happens when God vomits?

  34. mustangsavvy

    "Today’s lesson in religious tolerance comes to us from Florida where we are talking about Islam, so, just a heads up, today’s lesson is going to be awful."

    Of course it is. It's freaking Florida.

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