covert joint operations

Biographer Lady Revealed To Be Petraeus Mistress, Linchpin Of Benghazi Cover-Up Probably

Close enough.Everybody’s all scandalized over the resignation of CIA director and retired Army General David Petraeus, who rather conveniently had to resign because of an affair one week before he had to testify about Benghazi, just sayin’, we should probably impeach the president.

But! Slate has uncovered the alleged Other Woman, which lends it a bit more credibility? She is not an Elizabeth Warren aide, as our friends keep yelling at us, but is, as Fred Kaplan writes pretty definitively, Paula Broadwell, who wrote this year’s (rather … friendly) biography of Petraeus. Turns out the thing should have had a picture of Fabio on the cover.

The timetable of the affair is still unclear — Broadwell was in Afghanistan with him a few years ago, doing “research” for her dirty book, which would be, like, whoa. But it is also possible that he found out yesterday that he was scheduled to testify about Libya and ran out his front door frantically looking to get himself into an affair, immediately, last night.

Either way, it is definitely Joe Biden’s fault, as he is shown in the White House photos chatting with Petraeus back in 2010, obviously about how to be a pickup artist.

Bear in mind, we have not heard anything at all from Broadwell, so do not going burning her books yet. Still,we are IMMEDIATELY suspicious of what went on between Jon Meacham and Andrew Jackson, and whether sex with dead presidents is cause to revoke a Pulitzer Prize.

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Also, this will cause the demand for attractive lady biographers to either fall through the floor, or skyrocket, to points most creepy.

Oh, and here’s a video of Broadwell on The Daily Show, discussing her rigorous “morning runs” with the general:

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Paula Broadwell
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336 comments

        1. SorosBot

          That's OK, just a big Cheers fan from way back here; besides my P-ness is plenty big enough as it is.

  1. OzoneTom

    I guess the title of that book she wrote had a secret meaning to them.

    Betrayus needs to spend more time with his family.

    1. boskolives

      A better mystery book would have asked why General David Petraeus got to tap Paula Broadwell, but John Edwards had to settle for Rielle Hunter?

      Ancient established military methodology, R.H.I.P.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I'm not one to worship the macho military culture, but maybe because Edwards was a preening, narcissitic ambulance chaser who got lucky in politics and Petraeus was a bonafied badass?

      1. Terry

        So, he loses his job. What happens to her? Increased book sales?

        Petraeus should give a few lessons to the GOP'ers, particularly David Vittor.

          1. Terry

            Maybe there will be a second edition soon. Lots of references to the hot gaze of his steely eyes, that sort of thing.

        1. Not_So_Much

          For starters, I bet her husband has a totally different suggestion about what she can do with how to promote the book than the one she mentioned on TDS.

  2. Ryy

    Benghazi –> Been gay see

    David –> Gay vid

    Obviously super gay Obama has been making gay videos with Gayvid Patraeus to insite Muslim rage at Christians to kill our gay ambassador.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      You know, what you just said makes about as much sense as anything we've heard from the far right since Tuesday night.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Nothing is more conducive to the sexytime than being stuck in a festering third world shithole full of religious fanatics that hate your guts and will kill you the minute you blink.

          1. Steverino247

            Tell me about it. He was born in January when his parents could have used the December deduction.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      You laugh now, but wait till you try Knights Templar roleplay… "No, Inquistor, I'll never tell you where the infidels are hiding! You'll have to force the information out of me!"

  4. SorosBot

    She did a lot of hard work researching the book, really plowed into her subject and got on top of him.

      1. SorosBot

        She got into every crevice and stroked out each drip of information she could find, leading to a very exciting climax.

      1. Negropolis

        Rock the boat, rock the boat, now work the middle, work the middle, change positions…

        RIP Aaliyah

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, I know that if I could have banged a chick that looked like that when I was in Kabul, I probably would have. But then, I'm not married.

    1. Terry

      CNN said that someone tipped off the FBI to the affair. Someone must have been p.o.ed at the old General to do that.

      1. glamourdammerung

        It sounds like she was trying to read his emails. There was a story mentioning she tried to access classified emails, but no details.

      2. Negropolis

        Richard Engel was saying on Rachel, tonight, that the CIA hated his fucking guts…mostly because they don't appreciate outsiders, but I'm sure he rubbed them the wrong way in other ways.

  6. Both Sides Do It

    "Still, we are IMMEDIATELY suspicious of what went on between Jon Meacham and Andrew Jackson, and whether sex with dead presidents is cause to revoke a Pulitzer Prize."

    Not in Obama's America. But being a complete fucking centrist nonce whose idea of enriching the public discourse is by spraying corporatist nonsense wherever he goes like an incontinent dog should be.

    Oh and Broadwell says Petraeus used "the method he likes to use to get to know young people" on her? . . . there's no telling how far this story is going to go. Ten mistresses? Twenty? A thousand? Was the Surge in Afghanistan just to make sure there would be enough meat for Petraeus' grinder? Important questions.

    1. Woodshedding

      Well, it's a lot like the shocking Petraeus scandal, isn't it. Both men responsible for the deaths of god knows how many innocents, but make love to someone and oh my god you are such a lowlife.

    2. docterry6973

      Prominent general and prominent defense contractor on the same day? Do I have to draw you a picture? Wake up!!!!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        You're saying Paula Broadwell gets around?

        Well, I say I hope that broad Paula gets around to me, someday.

  7. MissTaken

    Still,we are IMMEDIATELY suspicious of what went on between Jon Meacham and Andrew Jackson, and whether sex with dead presidents is cause to revoke a Pulitzer Prize.

    I eagerly anticipate the truth behind Doris Kearns Goodwin and Abe Lincoln. Lincoln Log indeed!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I recently saw some video clips of her as a young woman. I wouldn't have minded monkeying around with her, back in the day.

  8. Crank_Tango

    At least she went with the subtle title. The working title was "I am fucking that general guy from Iraq and stuff."

        1. BoatOfVelociraptors

          Genitals and the Jezebel. That's some quality alliteration. You could name a band after it.

  9. onemoretime79

    I can't even get past the 2 minute mark, and I'm wondering. Is Jon Stewart prescient?
    Because, someone should investigate *that*.

  10. mickeymusing

    I'm not really understanding the 'Benghazi testimony conspiracy' here. Congress and its committees can compel any citizen to testify within the bounds of their jurisdiction (and this certainly would seem to fall within those bounds), so Petraeus will be testifying regardless of his current title. Where is the scandal here?

        1. YouFail4eva

          Eh, needs some work! Here's how you do it properly:

          BENGHAZI, BENGHAZI, BENGHAZI, WATERGATE, WATERGATE, WATERGATE, IMPEACH, IMPEACH, IMPEACH!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!

          Simple, right?

          1. GunToting[Redacted]

            Considering Nixon was an R, the actual use of "WATERGATE" may hit too close to home. Consider instead BENGHAZIGATE, PETRAEUGATE, BIOGRAGATE, or the like.

  11. Katydid

    What's even better is what MSNBC is reporting…that the FBI is investigating her for having access to naughty e-mails…or having naughty access to his e-mails….not sure, I just heard it now on the teevee.

    Also too, this will give the wingnuts something to chew on for awhile….because of course this is Obummer's fault. Somehow.

    1. sati_demise

      Obummer is so powerful he can cause even the strongest man to lose all his moral fiber. Petraeus was fine working for Bush, solid proof of the evil of Hussein, the anti-christ.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        That might be good enough for FOX News' gaggle of pundits, but any Joe Sixpack is going to take one look at this Broadwell broad and say, "Hell YES."

        As someone mentioned upthread, Petraeus is a hero to to us all.

    2. docterry6973

      Fox is all over this already. Obama set up the Heroic Patriot to prevent him from testifying to Congress about Benghazi.

      Of course, Congress can just call him to testify anyway, but why should facts matter?

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Well, Fox thinks everyone in government gets the same privileges that the Bush Admin members took, i.e. fuck things up to a fare-thee-well and then just walk.

  12. Mittens Howell, III

    Petraeus: "And I woulda got away with it too, see, if it wasn't for the the surge on her blue dress."

  13. Goonemeritus

    Hey I would do everthing in my power to be on good terms with my biographer too. Of course with my luck Bill O'Rielly would probably be contracted to write mine.

  14. Guppy

    Between this and Jon Edwards, do all documentarians bang their subjects? Is this one of the perks of fame?

  15. Mittens Howell, III

    I love how she apologizes to her husband for not hyping up the book.

    Is there anything else you want to tell him, Paula?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Think big. Some how I gotta somehow convince Scarlett Johansen, Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz to simultaneously co-author my biography.

  16. onemoretime79

    "Imbed(ded)….with General Betray Us"
    "Sharing Hardship with the Troops…and Their Commander"
    "Awesome ? Or Incredibly Awesome"
    "Yes, I Did Pinch Him"
    "Good Distractions from War"
    "I Want to Help You with Your Project"
    "He Dropped His Guard With Me"
    "No Dirty Secrets….Peaches"

    "He goes All In"

    Oh shit, she is married too.

    OK. I quit. I resign.

    "Awesome Sell Out" is my final answer.

    OMG. This is writing itself!

  17. DLHawkins007

    From the review of her book at Amazon: "General Petraeus is one of the most important Americans of our time, in or out of uniform." Tom Brokaw. Hmmm

        1. onemoretime79

          Person who GOTV, Buddy.

          I'm having a field day here. Sorry I've been away for so long. Frankly, can I be frank?

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            You can be frank here if you want. Frankly, 'onemoretime79' isn't much of a handle anyway. Change it to something.

            And thanks for G-ing-OTV, esp if you are from OH, VA, or FL!

    1. MegPasadena

      Same here. I thought the dynamics described there was a bit weird.
      Peaches.
      Is he awesome or incredibly awesome?
      Did you ever pinch him?

    2. ttommyunger

      I consider myself pretty intuitive, but I too saw the broadcast and it did not raise a single red flag. In retrospect, I just didn't ever imagine the ass-kissing little twerp had it in him. Kudos!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      We men are actually pretty simple to figure out, aren't we?

      It kinda scares me how many times I could have picked up that gauntlet in the past few years. And I'm not really anything special.

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    We all should have known something was up when the Patraeus biography started out "It was a dark, moonless night in Kabul. The only thing that attracted me was the General's smile in the flickering candle light. As he removed his shirt, I knew the invasion was on."

  19. RedneckMuslin

    Wait now. You telling me the director of the CIA got caught sneaking around. Got caught. Wasn't very good at the CIA thing,was he?

  20. GeorgiaBurning

    Dear Penthouse- I am a military commander in a small, Mid-eastern country. I never believed this could happen to me…

    1. James Michael Curley

      "Tonight I've collected a few things here on my desk. Look at them, some of them are quite unusual and I often wonder what we use them for. For example, some people call these two things But Ox. I don't know why, they don't look bovine, porcine maybe but not bovine."

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    So I was noodling around over on that blogroll at the right side of the page and accidentally found the place where Noted Optimist Ken Layne currently resides, interwebwise. His posts in his new place don't seem quite so Gotterdammerungy and depression-inducing as when he was here. Maybe it was just this place that got him down.

  22. BarackMyWorld

    My favorite thing about this clip? How the first Jon brings up was McChrystal getting fired for his problem with embedded journalists, and how problematic embedded journalists can be for people in their positions. IRONY~!

    1. BarackMyWorld

      CIA Director's mistress under investigation by the FBI for trying to get into his e-mails and he suddenly resigns. Certainly more newsworthy than anything Mitt Romney has done in the last 3 days.

    2. BlueStateLibel

      It's sort of a big thing with the CIA, because if you have extra-marital affairs, it's pretty easy to blackmail you and find out lots of interesting stuff. That the head guy put himself in this position is pretty ironic.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        That's the thing, he wasn't using his head on this.

        Well, he was, I guess, but … different head, you know.

  23. LakeLucilleLoon

    Dammit, it's Friday at 5:30pm in AK and generally I don't really know what to think about anything at Friday 5:30pm.

  24. BlueStateLibel

    Slightly OT: The Benghazi coverup – damn, Willard and GOPeers, you really nailed the blah on that, didn't you? Just like he was Jimmy Carter II, LOL.

  25. Negropolis

    Oh, stupid Peaches. The nation's top spycheif can't have secrets of his own.

    But, I'm sure he did it for love of country and Jesus and freedom, so, yeah.

  26. glamourdammerung

    Well, I think if the CIA chief could not keep his affair secret that it kind of does disqualify them from the job.

    1. not that Dewey

      You'll be responsible for covering up your own Embassy bombing conspiracies from now on. KEEP YOUR GOVT HANDS OFF MY COVERT INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES

  27. ttommyunger

    No question about which one was on top……ALWAYS! Two self-centered over-achievers trying to see who can come first and hardest. Had to be about as sensual as a wrestling match-collegiate wrestling, of course. Odd… Monica Crowley never got outed, but then it was Nixon, so prolly didn't qualify as actual fucking. I honestly would have never imagined this wiry little ass-kisser had it in him; my guess is he would always withhold his precious bodily fluids.

  28. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    The only thing I hate more than knowing about the sex lives of public figures is…um. Wait. There is nothing I hate more.

  29. horsedreamer_1

    According to Gawker, Broadwell's husband wrote to Chuck Klosterman to ask what he should do about this. Last summer.

  30. CripesAmighty

    Gotta confess-Saw Stewart interview, and thought, 1) Very Hot, in that military jockette sort of way–kinda like the old girlfriend who'd kick your ass on the tennis court; And 2) All googly-eyed when recounting her interviews with the good General while running causing the tapes to be interrupted by 'heavy breathing' … And, Ruh-Roh…

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