COVERT JOINT OPERATIONS  6:26 pm November 9, 2012

Biographer Lady Revealed To Be Petraeus Mistress, Linchpin Of Benghazi Cover-Up Probably

by Rich Abdill

Close enough.Everybody’s all scandalized over the resignation of CIA director and retired Army General David Petraeus, who rather conveniently had to resign because of an affair one week before he had to testify about Benghazi, just sayin’, we should probably impeach the president.

But! Slate has uncovered the alleged Other Woman, which lends it a bit more credibility? She is not an Elizabeth Warren aide, as our friends keep yelling at us, but is, as Fred Kaplan writes pretty definitively, Paula Broadwell, who wrote this year’s (rather … friendly) biography of Petraeus. Turns out the thing should have had a picture of Fabio on the cover.

The timetable of the affair is still unclear — Broadwell was in Afghanistan with him a few years ago, doing “research” for her dirty book, which would be, like, whoa. But it is also possible that he found out yesterday that he was scheduled to testify about Libya and ran out his front door frantically looking to get himself into an affair, immediately, last night.

Either way, it is definitely Joe Biden’s fault, as he is shown in the White House photos chatting with Petraeus back in 2010, obviously about how to be a pickup artist.

Bear in mind, we have not heard anything at all from Broadwell, so do not going burning her books yet. Still,we are IMMEDIATELY suspicious of what went on between Jon Meacham and Andrew Jackson, and whether sex with dead presidents is cause to revoke a Pulitzer Prize.

Also, this will cause the demand for attractive lady biographers to either fall through the floor, or skyrocket, to points most creepy.

Oh, and here’s a video of Broadwell on The Daily Show, discussing her rigorous “morning runs” with the general:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Paula Broadwell
www.thedailyshow.com
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{ 336 comments }

Barbara_ November 9, 2012 at 6:29 pm

He's banging Lilith Sternin Frasier?

SorosBot November 9, 2012 at 6:36 pm

That was Lilith Sternin-Crane; Frasier was the other Dr. Crane's first name.

Barbara_ November 9, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Oh man, you are correct. Go ahead and help yourself to my p-points. LOL

SorosBot November 9, 2012 at 6:53 pm

That's OK, just a big Cheers fan from way back here; besides my P-ness is plenty big enough as it is.

Barbara_ November 9, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Out of respect for the lovely Miss Taken, I will remain silent on that. : )

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Speaking of which, do you remember Frasier's old love, played by Emma Thompson?

Mittens Howell, III November 9, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Don't let your comments be dictated by the fact checkers, Barb.

Barbara_ November 9, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Thanks Mittens!

Beetagger November 9, 2012 at 6:31 pm

That was one big, sloppy blowjob of a book.

Geminisunmars November 9, 2012 at 9:10 pm

And this is the blowback.

NYNYNYjr November 11, 2012 at 6:42 pm

It was called "All In." Runner-up title: "Push It"

OzoneTom November 9, 2012 at 6:31 pm

I guess the title of that book she wrote had a secret meaning to them.

Betrayus needs to spend more time with his family.

boskolives November 9, 2012 at 10:31 pm

A better mystery book would have asked why General David Petraeus got to tap Paula Broadwell, but John Edwards had to settle for Rielle Hunter?

Ancient established military methodology, R.H.I.P.

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:05 am

I'm not one to worship the macho military culture, but maybe because Edwards was a preening, narcissitic ambulance chaser who got lucky in politics and Petraeus was a bonafied badass?

Boojum November 9, 2012 at 6:31 pm

He needs a joke, about how his penis betrayed us, but I don't feel funny.

Boojum November 9, 2012 at 7:43 pm

OK, I watched the video. That man is a HERO!!!

Negropolis November 9, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Which one?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 7:52 pm

"One penis to betray us all"?

Carrabuda November 12, 2012 at 9:02 pm

"Genital Betray-us"? Kinda surprised that one hasn't popped up here yet.

edgydrifter November 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Now that's an embedded journalist!

badseeds November 9, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Ahahaha, did you see the look drift across her face when Jon said "embedded?"

Terry November 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm

So, he loses his job. What happens to her? Increased book sales?

Petraeus should give a few lessons to the GOP'ers, particularly David Vittor.

Beowoof November 9, 2012 at 7:17 pm

I bet she would sell more if she added an update chapter on the affair.

Terry November 9, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Maybe there will be a second edition soon. Lots of references to the hot gaze of his steely eyes, that sort of thing.

Not_So_Much November 9, 2012 at 7:31 pm

For starters, I bet her husband has a totally different suggestion about what she can do with how to promote the book than the one she mentioned on TDS.

Anne_Athema November 10, 2012 at 12:58 am

Oh, hell yes. She looked quite squirmy. I'm glad I scrolled before putting on my redundancy cap.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 7:52 pm

That's what he said!

Ryy November 9, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Benghazi –> Been gay see

David –> Gay vid

Obviously super gay Obama has been making gay videos with Gayvid Patraeus to insite Muslim rage at Christians to kill our gay ambassador.

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:08 am

You know, what you just said makes about as much sense as anything we've heard from the far right since Tuesday night.

BaldarTFlagass November 9, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Nothing is more conducive to the sexytime than being stuck in a festering third world shithole full of religious fanatics that hate your guts and will kill you the minute you blink.

MissTaken November 9, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Again, please, but slower this time…..

imissopus November 9, 2012 at 6:54 pm

In that case you'd think, living in America with all these wingnuts, that I'd be getting laid more often…

GeorgiaBurning November 9, 2012 at 8:06 pm

There's a lady in Turlock with spare time

Mittens Howell, III November 9, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I don't know, never been to Alabama myself.

Steverino247 November 9, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Wife and I made a baby there, but he arrived in Texas.

Fare la Volpe November 9, 2012 at 8:17 pm

He's got bad timing.

NDeeeZ November 10, 2012 at 10:27 am

An anchor kid? Now you can be a Texan?

Steverino247 November 10, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Tell me about it. He was born in January when his parents could have used the December deduction.

Chet Kincaid_ November 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Seems like fuckin' would pass the time, under those circumstances.

Fare la Volpe November 9, 2012 at 8:18 pm

You laugh now, but wait till you try Knights Templar roleplay… "No, Inquistor, I'll never tell you where the infidels are hiding! You'll have to force the information out of me!"

AlterNewt November 9, 2012 at 9:31 pm

"Would not rent."

Ground Zero Mostel November 9, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Shit. I called it when I saw the show!!!!

BaldarTFlagass November 9, 2012 at 6:34 pm

"All In," indeed. Maybe she should have called it "Is It In?"

Terry November 9, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Or "Is That It?"

Fare la Volpe November 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm

"Your Lieutenant Was Bigger"

Negropolis November 9, 2012 at 11:47 pm

WIN

Bodeburu November 10, 2012 at 2:50 am

Or "Is It All In?"

docterry6973 November 10, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Some of us don't find that joke at all funny.

SorosBot November 9, 2012 at 6:34 pm

She did a lot of hard work researching the book, really plowed into her subject and got on top of him.

Crank_Tango November 9, 2012 at 6:46 pm

This was no fluff piece, no soft-balling here.

MissTaken November 9, 2012 at 6:48 pm

She really got her hands dirty and squeezed every bit out of him.

SorosBot November 9, 2012 at 6:56 pm

She got into every crevice and stroked out each drip of information she could find, leading to a very exciting climax.

Steverino247 November 9, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Is this book out on tape so I can fap on the way to the store?

Anne_Athema November 10, 2012 at 1:07 am

And ended up with a mouthful.

BaldarTFlagass November 9, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Man, this is a target-rich environment for snark. Should I take the high or the low road?

Ryy November 9, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Low. Always low.

elviouslyqueer November 9, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Yes.

SuspectedDemocrat November 9, 2012 at 6:43 pm

First low, then high, then low again.

Fare la Volpe November 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Then cut across the middle and go balls deep.

Negropolis November 9, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Rock the boat, rock the boat, now work the middle, work the middle, change positions…

RIP Aaliyah

Lucidamente1 November 9, 2012 at 6:48 pm

All of 'em, Katie.

Mittens Howell, III November 9, 2012 at 7:00 pm

There's a high road?

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Need you even ask? Do you not know where you are?

GeorgiaBurning November 9, 2012 at 7:40 pm

He's West Point- work blue

NellCote71 November 9, 2012 at 8:01 pm

You have to ask?

Toomush_Infer November 9, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Oh, hell….I would hit that, if I could catch it….but I'm all in….ba da bing….

Anne_Athema November 10, 2012 at 1:08 am

Bi.

Toomush_Infer November 10, 2012 at 9:06 am

Take the high road, it's the bi road….?

horsedreamer_1 November 10, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Are you more Jack Black or Kyle Gass?

Blueb4sinrise November 9, 2012 at 6:36 pm

The book on Petraeus was co-written with Vern Loeb of Jessica Lynch [in]fame.
http://mediamythalert.wordpress.com/2011/01/06/wa

BaldarTFlagass November 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Well, I know that if I could have banged a chick that looked like that when I was in Kabul, I probably would have. But then, I'm not married.

Terry November 9, 2012 at 9:00 pm

CNN said that someone tipped off the FBI to the affair. Someone must have been p.o.ed at the old General to do that.

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Perhaps it was the someone who was married to the General?

Terry November 9, 2012 at 9:27 pm

That was my thought, as well.

glamourdammerung November 9, 2012 at 11:48 pm

It sounds like she was trying to read his emails. There was a story mentioning she tried to access classified emails, but no details.

Negropolis November 9, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Richard Engel was saying on Rachel, tonight, that the CIA hated his fucking guts…mostly because they don't appreciate outsiders, but I'm sure he rubbed them the wrong way in other ways.

NYNYNYjr November 11, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Kabul, Vermont?

rickmaci November 9, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Oh my, the name of her book about Pricktaeus really is "All In"? Bwhahahahahhahahahha!!

Mittens Howell, III November 9, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Original title: "Is it all in?"

boskolives November 9, 2012 at 10:01 pm

You forgot "Yet?".

FNMA November 10, 2012 at 9:51 am

Best book title since Jerry Sandusky's "Touched."

owhatever November 9, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Fair trade. He gave her information and she gave him blowjobs. Honor, glory, pussy.

HempDogbane November 9, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Great Patriots have needs, too !

SuspectedDemocrat November 9, 2012 at 6:44 pm

He is obviously guilty of loving America too much.

Beowoof November 9, 2012 at 7:20 pm

One writer at a time.

Negropolis November 9, 2012 at 11:51 pm

No writer left behind/no writer's behind left.

Barrelhse November 9, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Go Gronk!

rickmaci November 9, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Wait wait. Was she embedded with him in Afghanistan?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Wait wait. Was she embedded in bed with him in Afghanistan?

FTFY

Lucidamente1 November 9, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Uh, huh-huh, her name is Broadwell.

Schmannnity November 9, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Lotta Vagina

Negropolis November 9, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Pussy Galore

Fare la Volpe November 9, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Her previous biography was about Mike Hunt.

NoelCole November 9, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I guess only an "embedded" journalist could write the general's story and title it, "All In"

Both Sides Do It November 9, 2012 at 6:42 pm

"Still, we are IMMEDIATELY suspicious of what went on between Jon Meacham and Andrew Jackson, and whether sex with dead presidents is cause to revoke a Pulitzer Prize."

Not in Obama's America. But being a complete fucking centrist nonce whose idea of enriching the public discourse is by spraying corporatist nonsense wherever he goes like an incontinent dog should be.

Oh and Broadwell says Petraeus used "the method he likes to use to get to know young people" on her? . . . there's no telling how far this story is going to go. Ten mistresses? Twenty? A thousand? Was the Surge in Afghanistan just to make sure there would be enough meat for Petraeus' grinder? Important questions.

EnnuiThereYet? November 9, 2012 at 6:43 pm

I can only guess at the bedroom banter:
Ready bayonets!
Ten-hut!
Fire when ready!

elviouslyqueer November 9, 2012 at 6:43 pm

"I was sharing hardships with the troops."

Oh, I bet you were, sweetheart. HEY-O!

Fare la Volpe November 9, 2012 at 8:07 pm

A couple of hard ships were docking in her port.

Thank you! Try the veal!

AlterNewt November 9, 2012 at 9:33 pm

*Rimshot* as it were.

Blueb4sinrise November 9, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Lockheed Martin executive quits over relationship.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-2027771

Mahousu November 9, 2012 at 6:59 pm

From the Forbes article on it: "Kubasik was Lockheed’s vice chairman…" Indeed.

Woodshedding November 9, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Well, it's a lot like the shocking Petraeus scandal, isn't it. Both men responsible for the deaths of god knows how many innocents, but make love to someone and oh my god you are such a lowlife.

docterry6973 November 9, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Prominent general and prominent defense contractor on the same day? Do I have to draw you a picture? Wake up!!!!

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:18 am

You're saying Paula Broadwell gets around?

Well, I say I hope that broad Paula gets around to me, someday.

Negropolis November 9, 2012 at 11:55 pm

You hear about the Waffle House CEO being accused of harrassment?

glasspusher November 10, 2012 at 12:40 am

Waffle House? I thought they were banned by the Geneva Convention.

MissTaken November 9, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Still,we are IMMEDIATELY suspicious of what went on between Jon Meacham and Andrew Jackson, and whether sex with dead presidents is cause to revoke a Pulitzer Prize.

I eagerly anticipate the truth behind Doris Kearns Goodwin and Abe Lincoln. Lincoln Log indeed!

SorosBot November 9, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Just don't tell me there's something similar up with Jane Goodall.

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:23 am

I recently saw some video clips of her as a young woman. I wouldn't have minded monkeying around with her, back in the day.

SayItWithWookies November 9, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Or Bill O'Reilly and Abe. Or maybe John Wilkes Booth.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I'm just shocked at what a slut Douglas Brinkley must be.

Limeylizzie November 9, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Team of Rivals. Oh Doris.

Chet Kincaid_ November 9, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Team Of Ribald?

BoatOfVelociraptors November 9, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Tag team of rivals?

Lucidamente1 November 9, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Rielle Hunter / Paula Broadwell '16!

Crank_Tango November 9, 2012 at 6:47 pm

At least she went with the subtle title. The working title was "I am fucking that general guy from Iraq and stuff."

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 10, 2012 at 11:43 am

The one before that was "I so hit that."

Walkinwiddaking November 9, 2012 at 6:49 pm

So who leaked the the dirty on the General, his genitals and the Jezabel?

Mahousu November 9, 2012 at 7:07 pm

I can live without the "leakage" details here.

Walkinwiddaking November 9, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Sorry about that. Write it off to premature emasculation.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 9, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Genitals and the Jezebel. That's some quality alliteration. You could name a band after it.

Walkinwiddaking November 10, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Oh, goddam you're right . Dibs on that name..

LloydDrako November 9, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Classier anyhow than that other "biographer," Rielle Hunter.

NYNYNYjr November 11, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Classy cause she had condoms?

onemoretime79 November 9, 2012 at 6:49 pm

I can't even get past the 2 minute mark, and I'm wondering. Is Jon Stewart prescient?
Because, someone should investigate *that*.

mickeymusing November 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm

I'm not really understanding the 'Benghazi testimony conspiracy' here. Congress and its committees can compel any citizen to testify within the bounds of their jurisdiction (and this certainly would seem to fall within those bounds), so Petraeus will be testifying regardless of his current title. Where is the scandal here?

MissTaken November 9, 2012 at 6:51 pm

ACORN! BENGHAZI! NEW BLACK PANTHERS! PETRAEUS! IRAN SHOOTS DRONE!

YouFail4eva November 9, 2012 at 6:57 pm

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! It all makes sense now!

Would you like some mad tea?

Toomush_Infer November 10, 2012 at 8:59 am

No room! No room!

emmelemm November 9, 2012 at 6:58 pm

TELEPROMPTER MADRASSA SOLYNDRA!

How'd I do?

YouFail4eva November 9, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Eh, needs some work! Here's how you do it properly:

BENGHAZI, BENGHAZI, BENGHAZI, WATERGATE, WATERGATE, WATERGATE, IMPEACH, IMPEACH, IMPEACH!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!

Simple, right?

GunToting[Redacted] November 10, 2012 at 10:03 am

Considering Nixon was an R, the actual use of "WATERGATE" may hit too close to home. Consider instead BENGHAZIGATE, PETRAEUGATE, BIOGRAGATE, or the like.

James Michael Curley November 10, 2012 at 6:12 am

I read that as NEW BLACK PANTIES and wondered if Ms Curley were awake yet.

VodkaGoGo November 9, 2012 at 7:11 pm

You're over thinking this. What was the Benghazi scandal in the first place?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 7:39 pm

But now Petraeus can answer every question "Hey, I've been so busy banging my hot biographer I have no idea what was happening in Libya."

JustPixelz November 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm

"Want me to write your biography?" is the "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" of our times.

Katydid November 9, 2012 at 6:51 pm

What's even better is what MSNBC is reporting…that the FBI is investigating her for having access to naughty e-mails…or having naughty access to his e-mails….not sure, I just heard it now on the teevee.

Also too, this will give the wingnuts something to chew on for awhile….because of course this is Obummer's fault. Somehow.

Fare la Volpe November 9, 2012 at 8:09 pm

"Why wasn't NOBAMA monitoring our general penises?!!"

sati_demise November 9, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Obummer is so powerful he can cause even the strongest man to lose all his moral fiber. Petraeus was fine working for Bush, solid proof of the evil of Hussein, the anti-christ.

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:31 am

That might be good enough for FOX News' gaggle of pundits, but any Joe Sixpack is going to take one look at this Broadwell broad and say, "Hell YES."

As someone mentioned upthread, Petraeus is a hero to to us all.

docterry6973 November 9, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Fox is all over this already. Obama set up the Heroic Patriot to prevent him from testifying to Congress about Benghazi.

Of course, Congress can just call him to testify anyway, but why should facts matter?

BaldarTFlagass November 9, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Well, Fox thinks everyone in government gets the same privileges that the Bush Admin members took, i.e. fuck things up to a fare-thee-well and then just walk.

Mittens Howell, III November 9, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Petraeus: "And I woulda got away with it too, see, if it wasn't for the the surge on her blue dress."

decentcitizen November 9, 2012 at 6:51 pm

"He has a tenacious will. He's relentless…"You should know, sweetheart.

Goonemeritus November 9, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Hey I would do everthing in my power to be on good terms with my biographer too. Of course with my luck Bill O'Rielly would probably be contracted to write mine.

Fare la Volpe November 9, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Not even a hate fuck.

deanbooth November 9, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Maybe you'll have to settle for an autobiograpy.

UW8316154 November 10, 2012 at 9:50 am

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

rickmaci November 9, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Her name would almost fit a character from a James Bond movie, Paula Broadwell.

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Translated into Bond Screenplay-ese; Pussy Bonedwell

Negropolis November 10, 2012 at 12:01 am

**standing golf clap**

Well played, sir. Well played.

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:33 am

I'm sort of looking forward to Skyfall, so please, no spoilers!

Negropolis November 10, 2012 at 1:46 am

Before I scrolled all the way down to see the entire post, I read that as Skullfuck. lol

C_R_Eature November 10, 2012 at 5:17 am

The Wonkette Commentators Crowdsource-written James Bond Screenplay.

Working Title: Skullfuck

C_R_Eature November 10, 2012 at 5:19 am

Whoops, Sorry! (zips lip)

Guppy November 9, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Between this and Jon Edwards, do all documentarians bang their subjects? Is this one of the perks of fame?

Schmannnity November 9, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Ask Jack Welch or his ex-wife.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Just hope that Michael Moore doesn't show up to do a documentary on you.

Guppy November 9, 2012 at 7:42 pm

535 voting members of Congress… there's a kink for everything, right?

GeorgiaBurning November 9, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Instead of Rule 34, call it Rule 535

BoatOfVelociraptors November 9, 2012 at 9:51 pm

That would invalidate vegetable porn.

Fare la Volpe November 9, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Ask Callista.

Woodshedding November 9, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Yes.

horsedreamer_1 November 11, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Rob Reiner still dreams of Nigel Tufnel.

Lucidamente1 November 9, 2012 at 6:55 pm

You know what the title of the porno they're going to make out of this is?

onemoretime79 November 9, 2012 at 6:59 pm

All In?

JadedPreppy November 9, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Friendly Jizz Fire?

JadedPreppy November 9, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Report For Active booty?

SayItWithWookies November 9, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Invasion, Surge and Withdrawal?

not that Dewey November 9, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Hearts, Minds, and Asses?

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Full Metal Ejaculate?

JadedPreppy November 9, 2012 at 7:38 pm

White Cock Down?
Sorry. My Dad was a General. I think I have issues.

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 7:42 pm

"APlookalypse Now?

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 7:42 pm

'Sokay, you're at Wonket. Go with it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Bang the Gen. Slowly?

AlterNewt November 9, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Bang the Bum Slowly?

(U.K. title)

mrblifil November 9, 2012 at 7:48 pm

All The Way In
CIA: Cock In Anus
Black Cock: Goin Down
Journalingus
Betray Us: Firmly Embedded (Soft Porn title for Cinemax)

Beowoof November 9, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Peaches and Cream.

Schmannnity November 9, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Kandahardon?

imissopus November 9, 2012 at 8:20 pm

The Hindu Tush?

LesPaultard November 9, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Cock and Awe

BoatOfVelociraptors November 9, 2012 at 9:52 pm

The surge?

SayItWithWookies November 9, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Gone with the Wand?

Tequila Mockingbird November 9, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Coalition of the (Very) Willing?

bobbert November 9, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Anal In?

boskolives November 9, 2012 at 10:39 pm

"Advance to the rear". Oh crap, that film's already been made.
o.k., then, how about "The General Punishes His Privates"?

not that Dewey November 9, 2012 at 11:02 pm

The Red Vadge of Courage

trampndirtdown November 9, 2012 at 11:37 pm

My time with the One Percent, subtlitled Tip of the Spear.

Negropolis November 10, 2012 at 12:04 am

Bedtime for Bozo?

CindynEncinitas November 12, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Cornholioanus?

Mittens Howell, III November 9, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I love how she apologizes to her husband for not hyping up the book.

Is there anything else you want to tell him, Paula?

SorosBot November 9, 2012 at 7:01 pm

What does Dick Morris have to say about this scandal?

Blueb4sinrise November 9, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Clinton's fault.

Mittens Howell, III November 9, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Bob Dole in a landslide.

YouFail4eva November 9, 2012 at 7:11 pm

This is great news for John McCain!

MissTaken November 9, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Can't speak, his mouth is currently filled with hooker toes.

SayItWithWookies November 9, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Which means he's got two feet in his mouth at this point.

Negropolis November 10, 2012 at 12:05 am

"Mouthful of Hooker Toes" is the name of my next band.

onemoretime79 November 9, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Dick's been suspiciously silent for a couple of days.

Maybe somebody should check on him?

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 9:00 pm

No Toes. Not Interested.

bobbert November 9, 2012 at 10:15 pm

He's toeing the line.

imissopus November 9, 2012 at 7:01 pm

"All In: The Education of David Petraeus." I'll bet it was. HOOAH! Or something, also, too.

Schmannnity November 9, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I am glad it was not Natasha Fatale

Mittens Howell, III November 9, 2012 at 7:04 pm

I just offered Scarlett Johansen first dibs at writing my biography.

VodkaGoGo November 9, 2012 at 7:16 pm

I did the same but she wont return my many calls.

glasspusher November 10, 2012 at 12:46 am

On the floor, in crayon, wearing a bikini.

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:39 am

Think big. Some how I gotta somehow convince Scarlett Johansen, Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz to simultaneously co-author my biography.

I_P November 9, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Then I guess you could say she really did a broad…[puts on sunglasses]…well. YEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!1!

YouFail4eva November 9, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Everytime somebody uses the CSI Miami meme, a kitten dies.

onemoretime79 November 9, 2012 at 7:08 pm

"Imbed(ded)….with General Betray Us"
"Sharing Hardship with the Troops…and Their Commander"
"Awesome ? Or Incredibly Awesome"
"Yes, I Did Pinch Him"
"Good Distractions from War"
"I Want to Help You with Your Project"
"He Dropped His Guard With Me"
"No Dirty Secrets….Peaches"

"He goes All In"

Oh shit, she is married too.

OK. I quit. I resign.

"Awesome Sell Out" is my final answer.

OMG. This is writing itself!

Mittens Howell, III November 9, 2012 at 7:12 pm

I guess she really 'biographed' his brains out.

SayItWithWookies November 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm

I'm betting her contract for a biography of the Chicago Bulls is now in jeopardy.

sati_demise November 9, 2012 at 8:14 pm

oh no, they rushed a certified check to her today.

DLHawkins007 November 9, 2012 at 7:16 pm

From the review of her book at Amazon: "General Petraeus is one of the most important Americans of our time, in or out of uniform." Tom Brokaw. Hmmm

Sassomatic November 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Huh. That does explain all those references to his quivering loins.

Chet Kincaid_ November 9, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Nobody will believe me, but I remember seeing the broadcast of that segment and thinking, "hmm…"

onemoretime79 November 9, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I'm probably nobody, maybe I'm everybody. I have always appreciated your posts.

Chet Kincaid_ November 9, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Thank you, Person!

onemoretime79 November 10, 2012 at 12:01 am

Person who GOTV, Buddy.

I'm having a field day here. Sorry I've been away for so long. Frankly, can I be frank?

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:45 am

You can be frank here if you want. Frankly, 'onemoretime79' isn't much of a handle anyway. Change it to something.

And thanks for G-ing-OTV, esp if you are from OH, VA, or FL!

MegPasadena November 10, 2012 at 2:07 am

Same here. I thought the dynamics described there was a bit weird.
Peaches.
Is he awesome or incredibly awesome?
Did you ever pinch him?

ttommyunger November 10, 2012 at 11:16 am

I consider myself pretty intuitive, but I too saw the broadcast and it did not raise a single red flag. In retrospect, I just didn't ever imagine the ass-kissing little twerp had it in him. Kudos!

missemish November 10, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I believe you because I did too.

smokefilledroommate November 9, 2012 at 7:29 pm

"Wow, you know more about me than my wife has ever cared to know! Let's fuck!"

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:46 am

We men are actually pretty simple to figure out, aren't we?

It kinda scares me how many times I could have picked up that gauntlet in the past few years. And I'm not really anything special.

unu November 9, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Our future Putin sexing himself up.

cybermoe November 9, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Her book sales will surge.

BarackMyWorld November 9, 2012 at 9:56 pm

"The surge is working, my friends."
-John McCain

DustyBowlBlues November 10, 2012 at 3:46 pm

That's the really crappy part of this.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 7:46 pm

We all should have known something was up when the Patraeus biography started out "It was a dark, moonless night in Kabul. The only thing that attracted me was the General's smile in the flickering candle light. As he removed his shirt, I knew the invasion was on."

UW8316154 November 10, 2012 at 9:44 am

"I slowly traced the bullet wound on his chest with my finger, as he…."

RedneckMuslin November 9, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Wait now. You telling me the director of the CIA got caught sneaking around. Got caught. Wasn't very good at the CIA thing,was he?

Barrelhse November 9, 2012 at 11:51 pm

A blindfold and a cigarette would be too good for him.

GeorgiaBurning November 9, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Dear Penthouse- I am a military commander in a small, Mid-eastern country. I never believed this could happen to me…

smellyal8tr November 9, 2012 at 9:54 pm

The girl with the pizza is here sir…

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought this would happen to me, but I was in Afghanistan writing a biography, when….

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 7:47 pm

You know who else banged his/her biographer?

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 8:01 pm

The Marquis de Sade?

sati_demise November 9, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Lou Sarah?

BarackMyWorld November 9, 2012 at 9:56 pm

John Edwards?

trampndirtdown November 9, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Jeebus?

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:50 am

What!? ALL FOUR OF THEM?

Oh, maybe you're just talking about that closet case, Paul.

VodkaGoGo November 10, 2012 at 12:02 am

Frank Sinatra?

horsedreamer_1 November 11, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Jenna Jameson?

Beowoof November 9, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Well someone was eating "Peaches".

mrblifil November 9, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Thank you Sir! May I have another?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm

General Petraeus: Oh my god, you killed a hooker!
George W. Bush: Biographer! She was a biographer!
General Petraeus: No Bush, when they're dead, they're just hookers!

mrblifil November 9, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Research Associate at Harvard, or Reach Around Associate?

Limeylizzie November 9, 2012 at 8:02 pm

I had sex on Andy Rooney's desk once, not with Andy Rooney though.

Chet Kincaid_ November 9, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Was it that rascal Ed Bradley?

Limeylizzie November 9, 2012 at 8:14 pm

I wish! No it was a person at CBS News, with whom I had an affair for about 6 years.

coolhandnuke November 9, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Walter Cronkite?

Limeylizzie November 9, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Martha Teichner

Katydid November 9, 2012 at 8:31 pm

a former relative of mine worked at cbs news…..<peers suspiciously at Limey>

Limeylizzie November 9, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Gulp

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Here's the precise reason desk blotters were invented.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 9, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Sweet Jesus. What about the paper cuts?

YasserArraFeck November 10, 2012 at 12:30 am

ER Medic: "So, tell me again how you got the stapler stuck in your ass….."

Toomush_Infer November 9, 2012 at 10:54 pm

"How come these desks are always greasy?"

Negropolis November 10, 2012 at 12:10 am

Thank god.

VodkaGoGo November 10, 2012 at 2:35 am

I first read this as "I had sex on Andy Rooney once, not with Andy Rooney though."

James Michael Curley November 10, 2012 at 6:19 am

"Tonight I've collected a few things here on my desk. Look at them, some of them are quite unusual and I often wonder what we use them for. For example, some people call these two things But Ox. I don't know why, they don't look bovine, porcine maybe but not bovine."

UW8316154 November 10, 2012 at 9:46 am

I thought you said you'd never tell anyone about that!

Limeylizzie November 10, 2012 at 10:12 am

Jack?

ElPinche November 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm

All In & Out

coolhandnuke November 9, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Patraeus biographer/paramour Paula Broadwell anagram: A Dual Lap Blower

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Little known fact: Pentagon Media Relation School 101: Always sleep with your biographer.

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 8:08 pm

The U.S. Army Cunt-her-and Surge-'n-see Field Manual
- General David Petraeus

not that Dewey November 9, 2012 at 8:17 pm

The surge is working!

C_R_Eature November 10, 2012 at 6:02 am

"…in BED!"

If you know what I mean.

not that Dewey November 10, 2012 at 9:10 am

…and I think you do.

BarackMyWorld November 9, 2012 at 8:12 pm

*sigh* I remember that Daily Show interview. And in the extended interview, her husband joins them on stage. http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-january-25-

"All In" indeed.

Mrspanky November 9, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Sounds like an open relationship! I wonder if there was a bit of 3-way going down here. When is the sex tape?

fuflans November 10, 2012 at 12:46 am

yeah none of this is really making me laugh.

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:53 am

Sucks to be him.

BaldarTFlagass November 9, 2012 at 8:20 pm

So I was noodling around over on that blogroll at the right side of the page and accidentally found the place where Noted Optimist Ken Layne currently resides, interwebwise. His posts in his new place don't seem quite so Gotterdammerungy and depression-inducing as when he was here. Maybe it was just this place that got him down.

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 9:03 pm

You may be onto something, there.

not that Dewey November 9, 2012 at 8:22 pm

A coalition of the willing.

Chet Kincaid_ November 9, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Nice!

C_R_Eature November 9, 2012 at 8:25 pm

"Don't forget Polin' !"

BarackMyWorld November 9, 2012 at 8:29 pm

My favorite thing about this clip? How the first Jon brings up was McChrystal getting fired for his problem with embedded journalists, and how problematic embedded journalists can be for people in their positions. IRONY~!

Steverino247 November 9, 2012 at 8:34 pm

These journalists are all just asking for it…

BlueStateLibel November 9, 2012 at 8:40 pm

"He loved his country too much"…Newt Gringrich

LibrarianX November 9, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I thought that was called hiking the Appalachian trail.

owhatever November 9, 2012 at 9:07 pm

And I should care about this…why?

BarackMyWorld November 9, 2012 at 10:04 pm

CIA Director's mistress under investigation by the FBI for trying to get into his e-mails and he suddenly resigns. Certainly more newsworthy than anything Mitt Romney has done in the last 3 days.

Negropolis November 10, 2012 at 12:13 am

This. This was about as much a security risk as you can get.

BlueStateLibel November 9, 2012 at 10:24 pm

It's sort of a big thing with the CIA, because if you have extra-marital affairs, it's pretty easy to blackmail you and find out lots of interesting stuff. That the head guy put himself in this position is pretty ironic.

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 1:55 am

That's the thing, he wasn't using his head on this.

Well, he was, I guess, but … different head, you know.

iburl November 10, 2012 at 10:19 am

Washington D.C.'s sex scandals are to Wonkette pretty much what Calling Obama a Socialist is to Fox News. Bread and butter.

BZ1 November 9, 2012 at 9:28 pm

"morning runs" is a euphemism for …

glasspusher November 10, 2012 at 12:52 am

…keeping the real thing from being said?

James Michael Curley November 10, 2012 at 7:14 am

Too many bean burritos the night before?

horsedreamer_1 November 11, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Squirting?

LakeLucilleLoon November 9, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Dammit, it's Friday at 5:30pm in AK and generally I don't really know what to think about anything at Friday 5:30pm.

smellyal8tr November 9, 2012 at 9:50 pm

So, I guess the General's wife can officially call him "David Betrayus"?

BarackMyWorld November 9, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Her wikipedia page notes she's a Westpoint grad as well, and a Major in the Army Reserves.

No way this doesn't turn into a court martial.

glasspusher November 10, 2012 at 12:53 am

Courting marital

ttommyunger November 10, 2012 at 11:19 am

Jeez, my son is a Major in the National Guard; I hope he didn't have to fuck him, too.

DustyBowlBlues November 10, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Put the laugh in LOL, tttommmm. Well done, soldier.

ttommyunger November 10, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Hee, Hee. I try.

Negropolis November 10, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Lesser forces libel!

ttommyunger November 10, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Lesser my ass!My kid is hung like a quart beer bottle. ;)Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

BlueStateLibel November 9, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Slightly OT: The Benghazi coverup – damn, Willard and GOPeers, you really nailed the blah on that, didn't you? Just like he was Jimmy Carter II, LOL.

ManchuCandidate November 9, 2012 at 10:14 pm

I'm disappointed it wasn't Pussy Galore.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 9, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Her name is Paula Broadwell?

Was Holly Goodhead busy?

JadedPreppy November 9, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Now Paula can write her autobiography and call it "Predator Bone".

Negropolis November 9, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Oh, stupid Peaches. The nation's top spycheif can't have secrets of his own.

But, I'm sure he did it for love of country and Jesus and freedom, so, yeah.

trampndirtdown November 9, 2012 at 11:45 pm

This harlot was obviously trying to drain the mighty General of his precious bodily fluids.

Negropolis November 10, 2012 at 12:21 am

A suck-you-bus, of sorts, if you will.

glamourdammerung November 9, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Well, I think if the CIA chief could not keep his affair secret that it kind of does disqualify them from the job.

Negropolis November 9, 2012 at 11:50 pm

I know James Bond. James Bond was a friend of mine. Peaches, you are no James Bond.

Barrelhse November 9, 2012 at 11:52 pm

He has no cyanide capsule? Some 'professional'.

bearperney November 10, 2012 at 12:18 am

Stewart: "Did he ever drop his guard with you?"

Broadwell: "Guard hell! He dropped his pants with me!"

YasserArraFeck November 10, 2012 at 12:27 am

Great reading material while hiking the Appalachian Trail

Negropolis November 10, 2012 at 1:42 am

More like hiking the Khyber Pass.

fuflans November 10, 2012 at 1:06 am

you people have actually made me laugh out loud at least three times (like snort laugh).

still. story making me sad.

mosaickmind November 10, 2012 at 2:22 am

Fifty Shades of Khaki….

DerrickWildcat November 10, 2012 at 3:14 am

Will I have to do anything different tomorrow because of this?

not that Dewey November 10, 2012 at 9:11 am

You'll be responsible for covering up your own Embassy bombing conspiracies from now on. KEEP YOUR GOVT HANDS OFF MY COVERT INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES

dennis1943 November 10, 2012 at 8:41 am

So the comment about Obama being the only adult in the room is coming into clear focus…..

ttommyunger November 10, 2012 at 11:27 am

No question about which one was on top……ALWAYS! Two self-centered over-achievers trying to see who can come first and hardest. Had to be about as sensual as a wrestling match-collegiate wrestling, of course. Odd… Monica Crowley never got outed, but then it was Nixon, so prolly didn't qualify as actual fucking. I honestly would have never imagined this wiry little ass-kisser had it in him; my guess is he would always withhold his precious bodily fluids.

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 10, 2012 at 11:47 am

The only thing I hate more than knowing about the sex lives of public figures is…um. Wait. There is nothing I hate more.

christianmuslin November 10, 2012 at 12:49 pm

The question that the lamestream fails to answer, however, are they still an item?

horsedreamer_1 November 10, 2012 at 4:38 pm

According to Gawker, Broadwell's husband wrote to Chuck Klosterman to ask what he should do about this. Last summer.

CripesAmighty November 12, 2012 at 12:32 am

Gotta confess-Saw Stewart interview, and thought, 1) Very Hot, in that military jockette sort of way–kinda like the old girlfriend who'd kick your ass on the tennis court; And 2) All googly-eyed when recounting her interviews with the good General while running causing the tapes to be interrupted by 'heavy breathing' … And, Ruh-Roh…

DahBoner November 13, 2012 at 12:18 pm

"Unpaid social liason"

But she gets paid in 4star General buttsex. For Freedum.

imissopus November 9, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Nanny Gee!

"The first time…ever I lay with you…"

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 9, 2012 at 9:11 pm

All I'm saying is that I would love to have Emma Thompson and Bebe Neuwirth fight over me. That is all I'm saying.

bikerlaureate November 9, 2012 at 10:41 pm

?
That was the great Laurie Metcalf…

Barbara_ November 9, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Bebe is so sexy and so talented.

imissopus November 10, 2012 at 12:07 am

Nein, it was the great Emma Thompson:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0539823/

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2012 at 12:46 am

Very funny broad.

bikerlaureate November 10, 2012 at 12:59 am

Nein back at you – it turns out there were three Nanettes.

sarjo November 10, 2012 at 2:26 pm

But if from NC…TRY HARDER.

Chet Kincaid_ November 10, 2012 at 7:32 pm

What in the fuck are you guys hanging down there talking about?

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