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santorumblowjobOh finally, Rick Santorum has written a column on the Hill, weighing in on the election and What It Means! And What It Means is that the GOP will FINALLY, after all this time, cooperate with President Obama on cutting Social Security and privatizing Medicare. So the fact that Americans went to the polls and elected a lesbian, a bisexual atheist, a female Asian Buddhist, and a socialist, in addition to decriminalizing weed, legalizing gay marriage, and voting for tax increases means nothing. Well that’s not true; it means that they want Marco Rubio to charlar con ustedes about why you should retire at age 70 and buy health insurance on the open market.

This election was long, hard-fought and often divisive. Millions of Americans were heavily invested in the outcome, and for every American who today celebrates Obama’s victory, another is left disappointed in Mitt Romney’s loss. No doubt many are deeply discouraged. But now is not the time to give up on the issues we hold dear. We will continue to challenge the president to represent all Americans and to provide solutions to the nation’s problems. We will continue to stand strong for America’s first freedoms: family, opportunity, limited government and our national security.

First, who is this “we” that he refers to? Did Santorum get elected to something somewhere? No, he did not. So “we” will not be doing anything; John Boehner and Paul Ryan will. Also, did you know that our first freedoms are “family, opportunity, limited government, and national security?” We didn’t, because this list appears nowhere in the Constitution or Bill of Rights, unless it somehow means the same thing as “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” which it doesn’t. And if someone could explain to us how “family” and “national security” is a type of “first freedom,” that would be great. But if you thought for a minute that this election has led Rick Santorum to re-think any of the GOP’s talking points, you would be wrong.

We believe strongly that now is not the time for significant tax increases on families, manufacturers, entrepreneurs and other job creators. Nor is it the time to severely cut back on our commitment to a strong defense. […] Instead, we encourage the president and Congress to work together in the coming days and weeks to reform entitlements. If we want our children’s future to be better than our own, we need principled leadership to address these pressing fiscal issues. Whatever recovery we might be experiencing would immediately stall, and job losses and economic misery for middle-income families would result. And this largely self-inflicted recession would have ramifications throughout the world.

In other words, “we” will work together (again, not sure who this “we” is, again, given that Rick Santorum does not hold any elected office, but whatever) to prevent the fiscal cliff. But given that “we” aren’t going to let Obama raise taxes on rich people, “we” will happily cooperate with him if he wants to raise the age of retirement. Sorry, waitress moms, guess you’ll have to keep carrying those dishes around until you’re 70 or something, and THEN you can retire. It’s only fair — you wouldn’t want the Job Creators to get angry, would you? Of course you wouldn’t!

[The Hill]

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