got his cover blown

Drudge Sirens: Gen. David Petraeus Resigns CIA Due To Spying … Between The Sheets

When news breaks, Wonkette fixes itCIA Director David Petraeus has submitted his resignation, admitting that he’d had an extramarital affair and had exercised “extremely poor judgement.” Petraeus is likely to be replaced on an interim basis by deputy CIA director Mike Morrell, according to Administration sources eager to reassure Americans that the CIA will continue to send killer robots to rain death upon the nation’s enemies.

A Twitter rumor that Petraeus had been having an affair with a member of Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren’s staff is untrue; the reality is that Petraeus’s wife, Holly, had worked with Warren, who while setting up the federal Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, appointed Holly Petraeus to head that agency’s unfortunately named “Office of Servicemember Affairs.”

Reaction from the wingnut press has been muted so far, although readers of the Stupidest Man On the Internet were quick to speculate that Barack Obama knew of the affair and blackmailed Petraeus to do nothing to save the lives of the Benghazi consulate staff. We await further thoughtful analysis from Pam Geller and Jerome Corsi.

[NBC News]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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224 comments

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      Ha, they fired the hapless Mike Brown? Are they going to try to coax the Zen Master out of retirement to fix the Lake Show again? That team is only going to listen to somebody who can brandish a bunch of rings and tell them to shut the fuck up.

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      Who'da thought Petraeus had Illicit Babe-Pulling Game? Then again, Ike had a long-standing arrangement to keep his bayonet polished, and he wasn't exactly a ladykiller.

    1. Callyson

      I'm still veering between shock and fear that someone is more stupid than the ghost of Breitbart…

      1. SmutBoffin

        As for the former, they are looking for a beltway insider with foreign policy expertise.

        The latter position includes 'doggy style', and 'standing up in the shower'.

  1. PuckStopsHere

    Not that this applies to me or anything, but It's just a good goddamn thing people don't have to resign for masturbating is all I can say.

    1. Grief_Lessons

      You might have to, depending on details of location, situation, whether you're on a public bus, etc.

          1. glasspusher

            So sorry to hear…I knew you had your heart set on being a bus driver. You are either on the bus or off the bus!

    1. weejee

      Anyone want to make an offer for a warehouse full of Petraeus 2016 campaign materials? Or maybe in a couple of years this 'scandal' will be Newtered.

  2. Hammiepants

    I can see it now – "Why is this ONLY NOW coming out, three days after the Halfrican STOLE what was rightfully Mittens??? Because BENGHAZI VAGINAS AND THE "WANT THINGS" DEMOGRAPHIC, DUH!

    (Hey, it makes as much sense as anything else they'll postulate.)

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Freepers weigh in:

      "Imagine if this story and the Drone being shot at were actually reported on last week before the election. Where would we be now???"

      "Remember the Secret Service agent who ‘committed suicide’ five days before the election, ‘over an extramarital affair’ too? What did he know about Obama’s whereabouts and actions during Benghazi, hmmmmm… Time for Team 0bama to find a new narrative for further rat ship jumpers."

      Also a couple of people praying for a military coup, and one that I think is what a Freeper might consider withering satire:

      "I think as long as he used condoms provided by the government It all ok in our new world under democrats. but if he didn’t and his girlfriend became pregnant, that would be ok as well because Obama would help them go to Planned Parenthood and schedule an abortion and then even if it didn’t work and the child survived the abortion, Obama believes that the Doctor would be able to murder the child.
      And if the doctor saw Patreus and they liked each other they could get married and smoke some together. So why would he resign? They could listen to some Jay-Z."

      1. Botlrokit

        The wingnuts on my local radio station were reporting the drone was shot down. Said that on the radio last night! And that it happened days before the election.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        They're all kind of used to having gray-brown teeth; at this point white teeth would probably be scary.

    2. Troglodeity

      Actually, that pretty much sums up exactly what Fox News' Laura Ingraham is tweet-spewing this very moment.

    3. Incitefully_Joe

      That being said, I do kinda suspect that Petraeus waited until after the election to do this, since it has nothing to do with the Obama admin's policies and would thus have unfairly influenced the election. But then, I give Petraeus a modicum of respect, unlike lunatic right-wingers who are pretty sure it's a Benghazi conspiracy fall guy blah blah blah.

  3. VodkaGoGo

    Well as long as the death robots are running on time I don't see the problem here. Could this mayhaps be another case of just loving America too much? Can we really fault the guy for that?

      1. VodkaGoGo

        I'd suggest star-spangled trucknutz on our Hellfire missles but sadly I'm sure someone else has already thought of it. Giant freedom dicks raining liberty from the sky seems too perfect to not already be taken.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Nah, those trucknut things would just throw off the targeting telemetry on the missiles, causing them to hit elementary school playgrounds during recess rather than wedding receptions.

  4. Grief_Lessons

    We're awfully touchy about these things here. During the Clinton/Lewinsky fiasco my good friend, who is Czech, assured me that if heads of state could be impeached for infidelity, there would not be a single one left in all of Europe.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      It's the Puritan ethic the pilgrims brought over with them. There's a reason them fuckers were persecuted and chased across the ocean. Now it's our legacy, instead of that of the Euros.

      1. Grief_Lessons

        Berlusconi himself tells an anecdote that there was a survey of 1000 randomly-selected Italian women that asked whether they would sleep with him, given the chance. Half of them said "Yes", while the other half said "What, again?"

    2. Incitefully_Joe

      Well, my personal view is that it shouldn't matter, but for some exceptions, like criminality (Ensign, Vitter, Foley), public hypocrisy (the gay homophobe parade, Newt Gingrich, Spitzer), and… when we're talking about people working in intelligence.

      I do realize that Petraeus's affair isn't the sort likely to compromise security, but the CIA does concern itself with its staff's dalliances for very real reasons, and it does kinda send the wrong message if the Boss can get away with it when nobody else can.

      Plenty of other stuff, though? Like Anthony Weiner, and (admittedly) Jack Ryan? Really not worth the fixation we devote to it.

      1. Grief_Lessons

        I acknowledge that intelligence is a different kettle of fish, but I also acknowledge that all I know about being a spy is what I learned from watching James Bond films, so I may have overestimated the tolerance for skirt chasing.

        1. finallyhappy

          friends who had non-critical positions with State- writer types- have to be vetted. I have had two of these interviews for friends-although the last time I was not asked about sexual preferences. Drinking, money, unusual activities(I had no idea what that meant but as the friends involved are the super boring type like me- I figured no)

  5. Goonemeritus

    CIA Director David Petraeus has submitted his resignation, admitting that he’d had an extramarital affair and had exercised “extremely poor judgment.”

    Yes ADMITTING to an extramarital affair does show extremely poor judgment.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Is it just me, or did he not judge the extra-marital poontang to be worth more than his marriage, therefore proving he had exercised all the judgement he had, and had arrived at the conclusion, "On the balance of evidence, I'd rather be fucking-now".

    2. Guppy

      Yes ADMITTING to an extramarital affair does show extremely poor judgment.

      Not so much. Remember, in his line of work an extramarital affair is called "leverage."

  6. MonkeyMotion

    Wonder if Darrell 'Dickhead' Issa is gonna be calling Kenneth Starr?

    Cuz, you know, jobs and stuff.

  7. An_Outhouse

    I saw on another site that 'he must be republican, family values, ya' know'. I think its obvious he is NOT a republican. No rent boys, instead consenting adults of the opposite sex, ya' knoiw.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        It doesn't matter — religious fanatics will tell you that permissiveness in one place sends out waves of lascivious encouragement and erototoxins that pollute the whole rest of the country. And if he's been having this affair for years, the waves are even strong enough to go backwards in time and retroactively affect it. Science, people!

    1. Pithaughn

      Yeah, about that. I'm asking for a friend who needs them for science, what he needs is some seeds from a strain of weed that has a mellow long term high, as I said , for science. There are quite a few folks here in western colorado ready to try some serious science.

  8. Not_So_Much

    This is good news for the country. Who wants a spy chief that can't even keep an affair a secret?

    1. delaney_blom

      I know. That three-way between Pierce Brosnan, Denise Richards, and Judi Dench from The World is not Enough director's cut is forever etched in my memory.

  9. Woodshedding

    I just can't believe an upstanding, moral person who could be appointed CIA chief would do something like that. I bet he swears, too.

  10. Beowoof

    Well that explains why McCain thought Petraus was his hero, someone who likes to bonk around on the side.

  11. MissTaken

    I didn't realize that being monogamous was a job requirement for bombing Af-Pak weddings with predator drones. The more you know!

    1. SmutBoffin

      I believe that adultery is still a criminal offense under Army Law or whatever. Someone here might be more helpful on this point?

      1. Steverino247

        He's not subject to the Uniform Code of Military Justice as he's retired from the Army. However, being the head spook means you're subject to things like blackmail if foreign governments find out about affairs. So, in order to prevent any conflicts or suspicions about his job performance, he resigned. Actually, it's the very honorable thing to do when you've done something like fool around on your wife (which is obviously NOT honorable). It cuts off all the bullshit right away and allows him and his wife to focus on their issues. Done.

        1. SmutBoffin

          Ah, in my mind I see him wearing a green shirt with a lot of those dangly things. I didn't realize he had to quit the Army to be CIA guy.

          1. Steverino247

            On June 30, 2011, Petraeus was unanimously confirmed as the next Director of the CIA by the US Senate 94-0. Petraeus relinquished command of U.S. and NATO forces in Afghanistan on July 18, and retired from the U.S. Army on August 31. He was sworn in as CIA Director on September 6.

          2. freddymcmurray

            DOD is a separate entity from the CIA. It's sort of like how you can't be a senator and the president at the same time.

        2. Incitefully_Joe

          Moreover, even if HIS affair isn't blackmail material, he does have subordinates bound by those standards, and thus an obligation to lead by example.

          I, for one, am not one to complain when a politician decides to fall on his sword (so to speak) to demonstrate that yes, the rules SHOULD apply to everyone, even the powerful.

    1. actor212

      Y'know, that ought to be the fallback question anytime any politician thinks about the chick he's flirting with at a party or a bar: take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and ask "Really, who would hit that besides a russian spy?"

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    Petraeus. Isn't that Greek? How come no one has asked whether he liked the buttsechs yet? Wonketeer FAIL!

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Oh. Well, it was a guess based upon the name of the port of Athens, Piraeus.
        His wife has probably just had enough of his pulling the Dutch oven on her.

        1. Chet Kincaid_

          Now that's interesting, because why would a man do that to a woman in bed? Yet I don't think any gay guys would be very entertained, either. So it's pretty much something two straight dudes would do in bed together, right?

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            I think the first time I read about that was in a joke in EasyRiders magazine, about 30 years ago. Real bikers (not CPAs and Lawyers with $30K hawgs) tend to treat their wimmen like they were their buddies, rather than some delicate flower.

    1. Katydid

      I thought we just always assumes EVERYONE likes the buttsechs, forever and always.

      Speaking of which, I keep seeing Anna Marie Cox on MSNBC….I believe she's the one who started all this talk of buttsechs…good times, good times.

    2. arihaya

      Dutch

      This is because either during Renaissance or Protestant Reformation, many Dutch and Northern Germans changed their surname to Greek or Roman sounding names.

      For example: Neanderthal got their name from Neander Valley, which was named after a certain preacher named Neander, who was previously known as Neumann.

      So I suspect Petraeus' ancestors original surname was something like Stein or Steiner (Petra means rock)

      1. bibliotequetress

        Thank you, arihaya, that was actually educational and interesting! Now that you've reminded how high the bar should be set, I'm going to flip on Fox for a few minutes.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    Dude got his commission in 1974. I'm sure he partook of some strange nookie at some point in his career—hell, his first assignment was in fucking Italy.

  14. voodooeconomics

    37 years…how big did she get? and if a man can keep it going after 37 years with same woman he is obviously an Alien Robot

  15. YasserArraFeck

    So all that time we were talking about Petraeus' Big Surge, he was giggling up his sleeve at us?!

  16. Toomush_Infer

    Here's why we can be assured he's not a true Republican:

    1) affair with a member of the opposite sex, assumedly of age;

    2) he resigned, probably never to resume a governmental position.

  17. YasserArraFeck

    Lord Above, his Missus looks like his Mom. While I don't condone his extramarital campaigning, I can understand it.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    Like my pappy always told me, two best things in life are free beer and strange poo-say. I think it's a military ethos.

  19. Katydid

    Connect the dots, people. Dianne Feinstein said "…Petraeus will not need to testify at hearings she is chairing next week into the attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya. Ambassador Christopher Stevens and three other Americans were killed in the attack."

    Obvs. Barry made Petraeus have an affair sos he could wreak havoc in Benghazi and get away with it. I'll bet Petraeus really hated having the affair, too.

      1. Katydid

        lol…I can see how you would think that, this is why I love you Chet. ;)

        I wish I had thought of it, it would have been funnier than my response.

        Also too, I was making that up about the rightwing interpreting it that way….guess what, that's exactly what they're doing.

  20. GregComlish

    Who gives a shit if the guy has an affair? Clearly there is more to the story. Unless this guy went on a Tiger Woods style binger fucking hot sluts left and right for over eight years, unless he was fucking an ISI agent, unless by affair he means "rape", then who fucking gives a shit? Nobody.

    1. bibliotequetress

      While I agree that this is, actually, no one else's bidness, in order to hold a security clearance you are not supposed to engage in behavior or be in situations that can be leveraged against you. This is why you cannot keep a clearance if you hold too much financial debt, and it used to be the argument against clearing gays & lesbians (fortunately mostly no longer an issue). If he were not the actual freaking Director of Central Intelligence, he might, just might, be able to hang on to his clearance, especially if he and Mrs. P. argued that their marriage was open or they were estranged or something else that mitigated the blackmailability.

      Interestingly, one of the developments as more women (yay!) and more openly homosexual (yay!) folks have been able to join the armed forces or get jobs in intelligence is that the clearance standards for most agencies have become more realistic– once upon a time even consenting premarital sex could cause problems. Even not being a member of a religion flagged you. Except for one or two (cough) agencies (that do not necessarily include the CIA) most do not consider cohabitation or smoking a joint in college a deal breaker anymore.

  21. DahBoner

    I always assume sirens involve a roadside sobriety check.

    And yes sir, I always walk like this…

    1. docterry6973

      Nah. A tearful confession, a public prayer with a prominent televangelist, and he is back in the game.

  22. barto

    Sure Dave, lead thousands to death and dismemberment in a senseless "war", no problem, but have an affair – you're outta here!

  23. docterry6973

    MSNBC reports that the FBI is investigating his biographer, Paula Broadwell, for possible illegal access to the general's emails. Is that what the kids call it these days?

    Oh, and google her. I would hit that like the fist of an angry god. Or like the tail of a sickly mouse.

  24. JadedPreppy

    The affair may have been with his biographer, hence the title "All In".
    Embedded in Afghanistan, indeed.

  25. GeorgiaBurning

    There are rules in the CIA, and this sends a message down to the troops. Still, quite a few generals were caught with their pants down over the last few weeks; did the US Anti-Dope Agency come up with a new test?

  26. rickmaci

    Blowvember is only started and we have two nominees for pol of the month; Mitz for blowing the election and Pricktraeus for well, whatever…

  27. Misty Malarky

    Can I apply for the job through Romney's transition page?

    I think I'm smaller, simpler, and smarter.

  28. Katydid

    Two things:

    Slate is reporting that Paula Broadwell is the journalist he had the affair with. She wrote a biography of him this year that is supposed to be "a valentine" to him.

    Possibly worse, MSNBC is reporting that the FBI is investigating Broadwell for having access to his CIA e-mails. Of course, that's not all she had access to….nyuk nyuk nyuk

  29. freddymcmurray

    The wikipedia page on Broadwell states that she's still a major in the Army reserves. If this is true, wouldn't she then fall under the UCMJ, where adultery is a court-martial offense?

  30. ttommyunger

    If this is all there is, and I'm not at all sure it is, the little ass-kisser is still a viable candidate for 2016 and don't think he won't carry out the Republican Line to the letter. Ass-kissers know two things well: kissing ass and following orders. Exhibit A: Clinton, B: Newt, I could go on, but I've got to leave the house now.

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