NOT FAAAAIRRRR“I didn’t think it’d be that big of a deal,” said this spritely lass when confronted with a news crew. Like, why are people all pissing and moaning, and why did she get fired from her job at Cold Stone Creamery, just because she said that someone should assassinate that “nigger” president? Like, what is even their damage, you know? Is she not simply expressing herself? And is that not what a special snowflake like herself must do? It’s just Facebook and stuff, plus if he got assassinated it’s not like she would be sad, but most importantly, SHE IS NOT A RACIST. “I’m not racist,” Denise Helms told the news crew. She has a lot of friends of different nationalities! Like, probably some Irish, and some Italians, maybe some Poles, POSSIBLY an Asiatic (but probably not, and DEFINITELY not any Jews), and, well, probably like a dude named “Lopez” but who is from Spain instead of Mexico. See, not racist at all!

The “funnest” part of this terrific news report (no part of this terrific news report is fun) is the juxtaposition of the 22-year-old’s Facebook picture, all glamour-shotted and tanned with the sexxxy, and her in-person presentation, where (and we are not making fun of her appearance, just noting the difference between Facebook and reality) she looks like a 44-year-old in Idaho with four kids hanging on her while she’s trying to both put some Hot Pockets in a toaster oven and work her phone sex shift at the same time.

That trenchant bit of analysis concluded, let us all take a moment to remember who the real victim is here: Sarah Palin.


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