Why does that dastardly Nobumer keep refusing to work with Republicans, except for all those times he tried to pass Cap & Trade (a Republican idea) and Obamacare (a Republican idea) and all those other times too? Like, he doesn’t even call them up on ‘Lection Night to be like, yo, let us try to work together to solve America’s very serious problems, because he is such a dictator!
After his speech, Mr. Obama tried to call both Mr. Boehner and the Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell, but was told they were asleep.
Okay, that is obviously not a total lie. So let us unpack this complete unvarnished truth that was in no way House Speaker John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell cold blowing off the President of the United States who was calling them on their telephones.
And that unpacked total truth is this:
Whoever answered the phone at the homes of John Boehner and Mitch McConnell was told the president of the United States was on the horn, and decided that wasn’t worth waking anyone up for.
Got it.
[NYT, via PoliticalWire]
{ 256 comments }
I guess they don't want to take any 3 a.m. calls either.
Ergo, not qualified to be president. Not such a good thing for Boner, since he's 2nd in the succession, after Old Handsome Joe Biden.
Asleep = Drunk
we know that's the case for the orange one – and i guess it was too hard for turtle-boy to poke his head out of his shell
McConell's from Kentucky. It's anti-Kentucky not to drink Jack
(BTW Ashley Judd to challenge him, FTW!)
Minor quibble: Jack Daniels is from Tennessee. Kentucky-fied sour mash juice would be Makers or Bulleit. And both better than Jack, for that matter.
(hic)
Screw that–Kentucky is local option by county and you never know when you're going to be able to get a drink or not. So many long, dry nights at Fort Knox….
Dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Jack is Tennessee whiskey! Horrors!
We don't drink that shit. We drink Woodford Reserve, Maker's Mark, Wild Turkey, Jim Beam, Old Forester, Bulliet, Four Roses, Buffalo Trace, JW Dant, Basil Hayden, Heaven Hill, Early Times, 1792, Angel's Envy, Booker's, Elijah Craig, Fighting Cock, Knob Creek, Jefferson's, Pappy Van Winkle, Rebel Yell, Wathen's, W. L. Weller, Larceny…….
You need a distillery tour.
I presume together in the same bed.
..,ball gag?
Yes.
On which one???? They both seem like submissives to me
No, just "gag".
On balls.
Ew.
"Spooning," no doubt.
McConnell = little spoon
Always.
Madam Lindsey circling the bed, wearing stilettos, a Luftwaffe cap and smacking the shit out of those two with a riding crop…
HAWT!!!!
…a riding crop labeled "The Minority Whip".
Lizzie's Nazi sex fantasies are a lot more fun. And I'm gay.
Oompa loompa on turtle sex- how kinky
Are we talking about a Stefan nightclub experience now?
Rick Santorum warned us this would happen if we allowed teh Ghayez to marry.
We're sorry we doubted you Rick!
Look, it's an austerity budget, mmmmmmmmmmmK? Save energy, and the Prez only has to make one phone call.
They save water by showering together, too.
See? And reusing condoms!
Ick
You people are sick. I like that.
With a strap-on known as the Speaker's Gavel?
Man, have you ever gotten a phone call from Obama? It's IMPOSSIBLE to hang up, he just keeps talking forever until I get someone to pretend to yell that they need my help for something…
No, you hang up.
I know, right? I was talking to him the other night, and he was all like "This Syria thing is getting out of control, and I would deal with it but for the Sandy clean-up efforts blah blah BLAH." I said, "Look, Barry, why dontcha intercept a little of that green that Michelle and Axelrod are no doubt burning in the WH smoking nook, and anyway my cell phone battery is dying gotta run."
I have to have someone go outside and ring the doorbell, so I have an excuse to get off the phone.
Wow, Mr or Ms Fancy with one of those long cords on the phone!
Its even worse when he's jacked up on re-election adrenaline.
Boehner being asleep at that time is totally credible, if by "asleep" you mean "passed out".
Asleep in a vat of scotch and/or spray tan.
Dammit!
Crying into his pillow!
But they totally respect the office of the President of the United States, like totally.
The office, yes! The black guy holding it, no.
Passed out from liquor and sleeping pills.
"It's raining, it's pouring
The orange man is snoring
Went to bed drunk
Hit his head, with a *clunk*;
But at least he's ne'er accused of being booo-o-ring" ♫
Had some Johnnie Walker Red
Passed out in his shitty bed
And didn't wake up 'till morning
Perfection. Perfected.
"It's raining, it's pouring
The Turtle man is snoring
Since he Drunk-Blogged this place
He'll wake to face
the BANHAMMMER in the morning!"
I don't even know how McConnell can say "the American people don't want" with a straight face OR keep his leadership post. Old Grandma Turtle Man has now led his party to FOUR SUCCESSIVE LOSSES, including loss of senate control in 2006. He's only managed to pick up seats once, in a high water year.
Yet Boner the one who has to worry about internal challenges—I can't stand either of them, but really, you'd think someone would be challenging McConnel
You know the 3 am phone call we're constantly told our leaders need to be ready to accept?
They didn't have their congratulation comments unskewed yet.
Boner was passed out drunk and nobody could figure out how to get Yurtle to come out of his shell.
I saw Janine Garofalo do it in a movie once, but it involved sticking a finger up the turtle's butt.
Ew…never mind.
To be fair, it was probably difficult to get McConnell's head out of his
assshell. And Boehner was likely passed out on the living room floor in a pool of vomit, bourbon, and Visine.Under a noxious cloud of Pall Mall ash and Hai Karate.
They were probably busy working on a mandate.
Where "working on" equals "having", of course.
I think they were both awake but way too drunk to talk to anyone.
I keep thinking all the GOP leaders got shit-faced Tuesday night. Much beer / scotch was cried into.
To be fair, so did I. I blame the hard of hearing bartender. I was TRYING to yell "Four more YEARS…"
I don't know. Other than that is Boehner's normal state, I can't help but think that he was not looking forward to a teetotaling Mormon president any more than we were.
So, it was an ordinary day, then.
Whoever answered the phone was probably declaring a new-found sarcastic honesty in their feelings about the men at home.
A foreshadowing of how Congress will continue to operate.
Yup. Sad to say. Because "being in charge" is more important that "serving America's best interests."
Or, you know, "doing their fuckings jobs."
Would those be, perchance, the jobs WE are *paying* them to do?
We should send them a message: "We pay your salaries, fuckwits!"
Boehner and McConnell need lots of beauty sleep to keep up their looks.
and blood of children. don't forget the children.
Could it be that McConnell has Sleep Apnea? That would explain the absence of the beauty thing.
There seems to be a theme here.
Karl Rove told them not to answer, this ain't over yet.
Keep fucking that turtle Karl.
As part of the upcoming Republican outreach to Latino voters, Karl now wants to be referred to as "Karlos" from here on out.
Republicans are now encouraging siestas?
Actually, Jefferson Davis told McConnel the South will still rise again!
To be fair, they've been asleep for several years now. Maybe they'll start to wake up now.
…what a bag of dildos!
No, dildos have some utility.
…is this from personal experience?
Hey, you're the one who gets 'em by the bag!
…good point sir!
And wit by comparison.
Oh c'mon… Now you are just being nasty.
It is common knowledge that being wicked and evil is VERY tiring work. I am sure they were fast asleep in their coffins or whatever…
Odds that they were both in a pillow fort of their own making 2:1
Same place they've been for the past 4 years.
Were they double dating with Marcus B and Lindsey G?
Now that would give a new meaning to "doubling down".
That picture doesn't just have FAIL written all over it, it's actually in the shape of the word "FAIL," made up of thousands of tiny little FAILs.
Awesome!
A sort of meta-FAIL hologram, really
I see you've been on some of the same schroom trips as me.
Boehner was asleep in his tanning bed. Yertel couldn't come down from all (that was left) of what he surveyed.
List of people I will wake up for at any time to take their call:
1. SoroBot – but only if he's calling for bail money
2. Obama – either Michelle or Barack
3. Bradley Cooper – hello!
4. James Murphy – because Daft Punk plays at his house
Aw, thanks dear.
For me: Michelle Obama. Anytime. (Michelle: He's not good enough for you.)
That's OK. When I call, I call in person.
ROAD TRIP!
Time to hit the road.
Ahem.
I'd pick up. Not to worry.
You never call, you never write…you never bang on my door at 3AM demanding sex…
it's okay, hun. We would never fall asleep in the first place!
I waited for 7 years and 15 days.
There's every kid for miles at my house, my house…
Needs more cowbell! No, wait. It has just the perfect amount of cowbell.
They were resting up so they could get to work, together with Obama, to solve America’s very serious problems right away!
Bwaaaahaaahaaa!!!
"Asleep" for Boehner: passed out drunk. obama call stirs him enough to extinguish cigarette butt smoldering on his mattress, blacks out again
"Asleep" for McConnell: Withdrawn inside turtle shell, fetal position, ignoring everyone
They were both sleeping soundly because they knew the election outcome would not alter their long-term strategy in the least.
Another Opposite-of-Porn picture from Wonkette.
*nods* This photo should come with a disclaimer: "No fapping possible."
Who knew I'd be wishing for the Ponies to come back.
I hated those fucking ponies. But Boehner & McConnell in one photo is nastier.
After that, Obama's dick tried to call them. But it was so big it couldn't work the buttons on the phone.
Why won't the President work together with these ass hats on a bi-partisan basis?
Lemon Party.
Damn you.
Where's my mental floss?
Great. Now I have to figure out how to explain the vomit in my keyboard to IT.
Trust me. Everyone in IT will understand.
What's worse – you saying it or me knowing what you are saying? We're goin to Hell.
Hell is live action Lemon Party.
Not to Gary Glitter or Ted Haggard
They would have answered the phone, but they were both in shellymicAB mode.
McTurtle was out on his front lawn, tightening the knot on his chair swing.
Assume butthurt narcolepsy.
I'm calling booshit on this one. Everybody knows old fart males don't sleep, they're out of bed every 30 minutes taking another piss. You will never convince me they were not up.
We'll give Boner the benefit of the doubt, since we all know he wakes up in a pool of piss and vitamin C every morning, but Franklin has NO EXCUSES!!
I don't know about turtle face but I just know Boner was crying.
Needs more turtle soup with orange sauce.
They probably thought that Bamz was drunk-dialling them.
Okay, in DC, you know that the odds are that someone answering the phone at these guys' residences is going to be African American.
And you know that "He's asleep" wasn't what they really were told to say if the President called.
Obama is only supposed to use the secondary line, in the back of the house.
These two fuckheads disgust me. It is time for the administration to pull out all the stops and call these assholes on their obstructionism. Every time, EVERY TIME they do shit like this, the President needs to get on his bully pulpit and shame these guys into getting off their asses.
Amen!
Maybe Chris Christie can teach him a thing or two about bullying, because so far, he has really sucked at it.
That old lady from Kentucky needs her beauty rest.
Bless her heart, but there's not enough Oil of Delay in this hemisphere to fix that hot mess.
A proper Southern Lady never talks to a gentleman after dark – especially not a niggrah…!
They were too busy arrranging a surprise victory party for the Potus, but the ORCA didn't call him.
OBVIOUSLY, Boner was just too verklempt to talk, as is his wont.
Gah, is he ever NOT crying?
This is our fault, Wonketteers. We should have ordered the giant bag of lightly salted caffeinated poison rat dicks for them.
Who da fuck ordered the decaf ones??
Well, to be fair, I never answer the phone after 9 or 10 pm either.
Johnny Boner was probs in the tanning bed and couldn't hear the phone ring.
I heard the tanning bulb got stuck when the attendant tried to pull it out.
See, apparently taint tanning is the latest fad amongst the well-licked.
They've never "answered the call". Ever.
BOOM. This.
They've never taken a shit in their lives? That explains a lot.
This is really hard on Senator McConnell let’s not forget his primary focus is “making Obama a one term President”. What ever will he fill his days with now?
making him a 2 term president – i know , idiotic but they will make it seem like something
Being an effective and reasonable advocate of cooperation and mutual respect in the Senate?
Hahahaha I kid, I kid.
Beachcoming?
He gets a chance to start all over again. And this time he might have better luck.
Technically being black-out passed-out drunk is a form of being asleep.
Nobody ever woke up and ran to the bathroom to throw up from oversleeping
President: John? I just wanted to call and say that I look forward to working with you and Mitch and the Republicans in Congress to address our country's needs.
Boehner: Bama? I mean, Mister Ohhhbam…er, bombabomba…boomboomerbarackle…i'm going to pass out now…
President: Mitch? I just wanted to call and say fuck you, you chinless worm. I'm gonna roll you over a barrel and pop you in your white ass for that "one term president" remark. Be careful at night, because I still have Seal Team Six and one helluva lot of Democrats who want to tar and feather you. You got it?
Mitch: My goal is to make Obama the most successful President in history.
I like to think McTortoise was spray-tanning the Boner in his top-secret booth – with sexy results!
OT: Bammerz is about to give a presser on the "fiscal cliff".
Here's hoping he points the finger…
..at Boehner and says "Pull it!"
He didn't go as far as to say "I have political capital" like someone I seem to remember saying after being re-elected but there definately was a "bring it" quality to his remarks.
I'd've rather he cut through the persiflage and went with Ben Franklin's pithy line: "Join or die."
Bohner looks like he just wants to get his face all up in those chins and make the speedboat sounds.
FLARGHGFHFTH, there goes my tilapia right back up out of my gullet and onto my screen!!!
They don't have a lot of energy for being Young Gun GOPers.
John Boehner left his head and his heart on the dance floor.
Along with his stomach contents.
Boehner was making a YouTube video: Obama #winning rant
They figured it was a crank call since they had already ordered Inauguration tickets from Mitten's transition website.
If I were King of the Republicans, I don't think I would have been able to sleep.
Wonkers, you have to understand one simply does not take calls from the help.
Boehner's orange head, snoring in a bowl of whiskey tears … sexy beast
After a night of patriotic Man Love, Boehner probably passed out on top of McConnell and the latter could not get up in time to reach the phone.
Obummer is giving a speech right now where he claims he won't back down on his economic plan. My uncle is standing on the stage behind him, which is why I am watching. I wish I could believe that this whole fiscal cliff thingie would be avoided, but I have very little faith in Congress.
Please ask your uncle to tell Bamz, from us – "KICK THEIR ASSES, BARRY!"
Could it be because boner has pretty much said he's willing to work with Obama on Romneys plan?
The fiscal cliff is a media creation in that there is nothing epic about Dec. 31. An agreement will be reached and even if it's in March be made retroactive. Sorry, no snark, just fact.
On NPR this morning someone said the "fiscal cliff" would not be as bad as the U.S. defaulting on the debt, and another commentator (sorry, I can't bother to keep track of them) said "REALLY!?!?!"
In retrospect, "Yo Yertle, I got your one-term right here bitch" and "Hey Oompa, why don't you reach across the aisle and suck my dick." were probably not the best ways to open the conversations with whovever answered the phone.
Though, given the circumstances, perfectly understandable…
Have you seen Obama and Luther? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/07/obama-lu…
Well, who among us hasn't had somebody tell callers you're asleep on election night when you're really sprawled on the bathroom floor, vomiting drunk?
Should have sent Samuel L. Jackson over there.
Wake the Fuck Up!
Boehner wasn't asleep, but once they put him in the smoker he can't come out for an hour or he'll lose that rich golden brown. As for Yertle, it was probably just paralysis — why should Tuesday be any different from the rest of his Senate career?
Boner got a call from Romney, too. It was three minutes before he realized it wasn't a robocall.
By asleep:
For Boehner, they meant drunk, crying into his beer.
For McConnell, they meant warming up under his heat lamp.
Maybe somebody turned McConnell on his back and he got stuck.
Pet reptile libel!
Probably holed up in their rooms, listening to Smiths albums and cutting themselves.
Obama's just too damn nice sometimes. I would have sent them each a wake-up drone.
Let's be honest. One was transferring all his skin pigmentation to the other. Boehner is exactly what happens if you are white (times 2). And this also explains McConnell's translucence.
To be fair, by that time, the returns had come in, the message was clear, and Boehner was singing "Paranoid Android" into a Wild Turkey bottle while dancing his best Thom Yorke impression. When it gets to that point, the staff knows it's best to let it roll.
They were asleep, on
revengeelection night. Yes, a completely viable answer.Lucky for us national emergencies only happen during working hours, and Boehner and Mitch are totally useless anyway.
I have my ways.
I always answer when Michelle calls, if you get my drift.
Sound track for photo.
As long as I have you
They both had in earplugs in preparation for Romney's celebratory fireworks extravaganza.
Correction: they were having a nightmare.
This just in from Caucasia – updated photos of the Sore Losers:
http://whitepeoplemourningromney.tumblr.com/
Plus wine and cupcakes!
Hahaha "I feel like I just lost my best friend. The death of America…" Classic.
And a few from the most watched teevee channel EVAH.
"America you bitch." http://whitepeoplemourningromney.tumblr.com/image…
Man, what a pair of petty, obnoxious little dicks. That is all.
I'm focused on Karl Rove. Laser focused. Super focused. And enjoying every. little. squeal. It was an "act of God!" No. It was luck! No. It was voter suppression! No. It was you, Karl. It was YOU all along.
Don't y'all remember this gem spilling from his spittle-flecked and spiteful lips in 2004?
Karl Rove to Ron Suskind after the 2004 re-election of Dubya: "Guys like you are in what we call the reality-based community," which he defined as people who "believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality." … "That's not the way the world really works anymore," he continued. "We're an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you're studying that reality—judiciously, as you will—we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors…and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do."
Hey, Karl. The reality-based community just called. They took their country back.
Either my eyes deceive me…
Where have you been sanantonerose? SO good to behold that sexy librarian-inspired peeper surveying the landscape over her eyeglass!
*digging toe into ground* Awwwwwww shucks~! Oh, I've just been playing librarian and traveling Europe with my Portuguese lover. You know, the usual.
Rose!!!
Welcome back to Wonkette community!
wow so GLAD to see you back. please stay!
and thanks for the reminder of that horror. makes me feel better about the schadenfreude addiction.
Boner looks like he was locked in a smoke house for a week. As for that thing under McConnell's chin, he should get it removed, it's unsightly and distracts me from his infuriating smug twaddle.
Those round glasses have a certain 1700s feel to them. Historic!
That fucking negro always calls after 9:00 PM and I don't appreciate it.
McConnell clutched his purse and switched sidewalks.
But remember guys, the REAL reason that there's no bipartisanship in Washington is that Obama is a total mean girl to McConnell and Boehner, and totally not the other way around.
Obama is such a drama queen. As if he really wanted to say "let's work together." He was probably just going to laugh at them for 10 minutes straight and hang up.
Well, that's certainly what I would have done in his shoes. Relatable!
A Lindsay whipped Boehner is a troubling image.
At least they didn't hit the "Ignore Button" — that's messed up.
By the way, when is Romney gonna release his super for real plan to save the economy and balance the budget while sending every American their very own dancing pony?
AFTER the election, right..?
Wow, that's right. If he's kind enough to share even half of his super-fantastic job creating strategy, I'll only be unemployed for half the remaining time it would've been otherwise! Yay Willard!
Having drained dry his daily bath tub full of gin, Speaker Oompah Loompah was indeed unconscious ( yet curiously still crying in his sleep).
As far as Bitch the Turtle's level of consciousness goes, I'm not convinced he is ever fully cognizant nor coherent, so yeah, I guess that excuse would work for him, as well.
Crybabies. That is all…
Hey, it was a slow night, nothing much happening, so they went to bed early. Makes perfect sense to me.
I'm pretty sure that when Obama called McConnell and Boehner, he, in the words of one "Jennifer Rubin":
In other words, their country called for them, and they refused to accept the call.
I was raised to admire professional-acting, sportsman-like losers. But then there's these guys…
As ungracious in defeat as they are in victory.
I am sure someone said this but I don't want to actually read your comments. I bet Boehner and McConnell were both crying too loudly to hear the phone ring. Sure, it trails off the soft and sobbing whimpers eventually but that eventually hasn't happened…yet.
Boner: drunk. McConnell: dentures soaking, didn't want to put them in for an African.
I really liked me some Jeff Lynne and the Electric Light Orchestra back in the day.
Hello. How are you?
Have you been alright, through all those lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely nights
That's what I'd say. I'd tell you everything
If you'd pick up that telephone yeah yeah yeah
Hey. How you feelin?
Are you still the same?
Don't you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream?
I just can't believe
They've all faded out of view yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Ok. So no one's answering
Well can't you just let it ring a little longer longer longer oh oh ooohhhhh
I'll just sit tight through shadows of the night
And let it ring for evermore oh oh ooohhhhh yeah yeah yeah
I'm living in twilight.
(too, also)
Great, now thanks to that banner pic I'm craving orange chicken
Curry chicken sounds right, given that it will burn your ass up.
Weeping Orange Boners and Talking Turtles need their sleep, gentlemen. Good day.
There were Tears all over the dance floor
The TV's sayn' Romney will lose
You pounded WhiskeyGator
and half an hour later
you were Barfin' all over
McConnel's shoes!"
I wanna see the usage page on the phone bill.
It's ok, not like anyone's second in the line of succession or anything.
Somehow I read that as being second in line for secession.
Well, now that you mention it….
"Comas" is more like it..
Coma chameleons.
Maybe if Republicans could learn to stop being such assholes they would win things, like elections.
Hey, I just beat you,
And you sure are lazy,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?
It's hard not to laugh,
At you crazy.
But you have my number,
So call me, maybe?
I wish there were a way those phone calls were recorded and could be FOIA requested by some enterprising news organization.
Next time, say it's Bill Koch calling and then put the President on the line.
Isn't that what they've been doing the last few years, waking up every so often to yell "Abortion"?
" legitimate rape!"
To be fair, it's hard to hear thru the tanning machine. Boehner has to keep that healthy glow up somehow.
I'm assuming that they were both asleep in separate beds, but you never know.
Well, no, they weren't asleep, but no manly man wants the guy on the other end of the line to hear him crying, all ABLOO ABLOO A BLOO BLOO BLA BLOOOOOOOO.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03162004
(Google tells me angry little fanboys hate ABLOO ABLOO now. Consequently I am trying to get it into the dictionary as a real thing.)
Fortunately Obama was able to get through to Eric Cantor. As soon as Cantor answered the phone, Obama said, "Nah nah nah nah nah nah," and then hung up snickering.
Oh Becca, thanks for the sweet memories……The last time I saw two dicks this close together I was in a threesome with Linda "The Skank" Monetti.
I think this picture should be used for GOTV efforts in 2014 with the caption "Do you want these men to win?"
Looksh, don't make shmall pointsh after *burp* lunsh on Fridaysh, K?
AND QUIT JUDSHING ME!
Yeah, that's fucked up. I remember going down there on a business trip with a British colleague. He asked me why I was taking a bottle of vodka, a bottle of rum and a bottle of tequila with me and I said "We're going to a dry county". He replied "I thought you'd repealed Prohibition." Fucking Kentucky, after I came back from basic at Knox (19E) I told everyone that if the US ever decided to resume above ground nuclear testing that Kentucky would be a good place to start.
And yet compared to Leesville (the town outside Fort Polk), E-town is like Manhattan.
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