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Obama Tried To Call Mitch McConnell And John Boehner On Election Night, But They Lied That They Were Sleeping

And I am the King of All I Survey!Why does that dastardly Nobumer keep refusing to work with Republicans, except for all those times he tried to pass Cap & Trade (a Republican idea) and Obamacare (a Republican idea) and all those other times too? Like, he doesn’t even call them up on ‘Lection Night to be like, yo, let us try to work together to solve America’s very serious problems, because he is such a dictator!

After his speech, Mr. Obama tried to call both Mr. Boehner and the Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell, but was told they were asleep.

Okay, that is obviously not a total lie. So let us unpack this complete unvarnished truth that was in no way House Speaker John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell cold blowing off the President of the United States who was calling them on their telephones.

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And that unpacked total truth is this:

Whoever answered the phone at the homes of John Boehner and Mitch McConnell was told the president of the United States was on the horn, and decided that wasn’t worth waking anyone up for.

Got it.

[NYT, via PoliticalWire]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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256 comments

    1. PugglesRule

      Ergo, not qualified to be president. Not such a good thing for Boner, since he's 2nd in the succession, after Old Handsome Joe Biden.

          1. Giveusabob

            Minor quibble: Jack Daniels is from Tennessee. Kentucky-fied sour mash juice would be Makers or Bulleit. And both better than Jack, for that matter.

            (hic)

          2. Lot_49

            Screw that–Kentucky is local option by county and you never know when you're going to be able to get a drink or not. So many long, dry nights at Fort Knox….

          3. Wile E. Quixote

            Yeah, that's fucked up. I remember going down there on a business trip with a British colleague. He asked me why I was taking a bottle of vodka, a bottle of rum and a bottle of tequila with me and I said "We're going to a dry county". He replied "I thought you'd repealed Prohibition." Fucking Kentucky, after I came back from basic at Knox (19E) I told everyone that if the US ever decided to resume above ground nuclear testing that Kentucky would be a good place to start.

          4. valgal2342

            Dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            -Jack is Tennessee whiskey! Horrors!

            We don't drink that shit. We drink Woodford Reserve, Maker's Mark, Wild Turkey, Jim Beam, Old Forester, Bulliet, Four Roses, Buffalo Trace, JW Dant, Basil Hayden, Heaven Hill, Early Times, 1792, Angel's Envy, Booker's, Elijah Craig, Fighting Cock, Knob Creek, Jefferson's, Pappy Van Winkle, Rebel Yell, Wathen's, W. L. Weller, Larceny…….

            You need a distillery tour.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Madam Lindsey circling the bed, wearing stilettos, a Luftwaffe cap and smacking the shit out of those two with a riding crop…

  1. SavageDrummer

    Man, have you ever gotten a phone call from Obama? It's IMPOSSIBLE to hang up, he just keeps talking forever until I get someone to pretend to yell that they need my help for something…

    1. SmutBoffin

      I know, right? I was talking to him the other night, and he was all like "This Syria thing is getting out of control, and I would deal with it but for the Sandy clean-up efforts blah blah BLAH." I said, "Look, Barry, why dontcha intercept a little of that green that Michelle and Axelrod are no doubt burning in the WH smoking nook, and anyway my cell phone battery is dying gotta run."

    2. UW8316154

      I have to have someone go outside and ring the doorbell, so I have an excuse to get off the phone.

  2. Come here a minute

    Boehner being asleep at that time is totally credible, if by "asleep" you mean "passed out".

  3. Mumbletypeg

    "It's raining, it's pouring
    The orange man is snoring
    Went to bed drunk
    Hit his head, with a *clunk*;
    But at least he's ne'er accused of being booo-o-ring" ♫

    1. C_R_Eature

      "It's raining, it's pouring
      The Turtle man is snoring
      Since he Drunk-Blogged this place
      He'll wake to face
      the BANHAMMMER in the morning!"

      1. zumpie

        I don't even know how McConnell can say "the American people don't want" with a straight face OR keep his leadership post. Old Grandma Turtle Man has now led his party to FOUR SUCCESSIVE LOSSES, including loss of senate control in 2006. He's only managed to pick up seats once, in a high water year.

        Yet Boner the one who has to worry about internal challenges—I can't stand either of them, but really, you'd think someone would be challenging McConnel

  4. elviouslyqueer

    To be fair, it was probably difficult to get McConnell's head out of his ass shell. And Boehner was likely passed out on the living room floor in a pool of vomit, bourbon, and Visine.

    1. PugglesRule

      I keep thinking all the GOP leaders got shit-faced Tuesday night. Much beer / scotch was cried into.

  5. OneYieldRegular

    Whoever answered the phone was probably declaring a new-found sarcastic honesty in their feelings about the men at home.

    1. BadKitty904

      Yup. Sad to say. Because "being in charge" is more important that "serving America's best interests."

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      As part of the upcoming Republican outreach to Latino voters, Karl now wants to be referred to as "Karlos" from here on out.

  6. Shypixel

    Oh c'mon… Now you are just being nasty.

    It is common knowledge that being wicked and evil is VERY tiring work. I am sure they were fast asleep in their coffins or whatever…

  7. Schmannnity

    Boehner was asleep in his tanning bed. Yertel couldn't come down from all (that was left) of what he surveyed.

  8. MissTaken

    List of people I will wake up for at any time to take their call:

    1. SoroBot – but only if he's calling for bail money
    2. Obama – either Michelle or Barack
    3. Bradley Cooper – hello!
    4. James Murphy – because Daft Punk plays at his house

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    They were resting up so they could get to work, together with Obama, to solve America’s very serious problems right away!

  10. ph7

    "Asleep" for Boehner: passed out drunk. obama call stirs him enough to extinguish cigarette butt smoldering on his mattress, blacks out again

    "Asleep" for McConnell: Withdrawn inside turtle shell, fetal position, ignoring everyone

    1. Ruhe

      They were both sleeping soundly because they knew the election outcome would not alter their long-term strategy in the least.

  11. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    After that, Obama's dick tried to call them. But it was so big it couldn't work the buttons on the phone.

  12. rickmaci

    I'm calling booshit on this one. Everybody knows old fart males don't sleep, they're out of bed every 30 minutes taking another piss. You will never convince me they were not up.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      We'll give Boner the benefit of the doubt, since we all know he wakes up in a pool of piss and vitamin C every morning, but Franklin has NO EXCUSES!!

  13. Spurning Beer

    Okay, in DC, you know that the odds are that someone answering the phone at these guys' residences is going to be African American.

    And you know that "He's asleep" wasn't what they really were told to say if the President called.

  14. proudgrampa

    These two fuckheads disgust me. It is time for the administration to pull out all the stops and call these assholes on their obstructionism. Every time, EVERY TIME they do shit like this, the President needs to get on his bully pulpit and shame these guys into getting off their asses.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Bless her heart, but there's not enough Oil of Delay in this hemisphere to fix that hot mess.

  15. Oblios_Cap

    They were too busy arrranging a surprise victory party for the Potus, but the ORCA didn't call him.

  16. memzilla

    This is our fault, Wonketteers. We should have ordered the giant bag of lightly salted caffeinated poison rat dicks for them.

    1. cousinitt

      I heard the tanning bulb got stuck when the attendant tried to pull it out.

      See, apparently taint tanning is the latest fad amongst the well-licked.

  17. Goonemeritus

    This is really hard on Senator McConnell let’s not forget his primary focus is “making Obama a one term President”. What ever will he fill his days with now?

    1. BumbleKid

      Being an effective and reasonable advocate of cooperation and mutual respect in the Senate?

      Hahahaha I kid, I kid.

  18. owhatever

    President: John? I just wanted to call and say that I look forward to working with you and Mitch and the Republicans in Congress to address our country's needs.

    Boehner: Bama? I mean, Mister Ohhhbam…er, bombabomba…boomboomerbarackle…i'm going to pass out now…

    President: Mitch? I just wanted to call and say fuck you, you chinless worm. I'm gonna roll you over a barrel and pop you in your white ass for that "one term president" remark. Be careful at night, because I still have Seal Team Six and one helluva lot of Democrats who want to tar and feather you. You got it?

    Mitch: My goal is to make Obama the most successful President in history.

  19. Hammiepants

    I like to think McTortoise was spray-tanning the Boner in his top-secret booth – with sexy results!

      1. VodkaGoGo

        He didn't go as far as to say "I have political capital" like someone I seem to remember saying after being re-elected but there definately was a "bring it" quality to his remarks.

        1. BadKitty904

          I'd've rather he cut through the persiflage and went with Ben Franklin's pithy line: "Join or die."

  20. Fairtackle

    Bohner looks like he just wants to get his face all up in those chins and make the speedboat sounds.

  21. kittensdontlie

    They figured it was a crank call since they had already ordered Inauguration tickets from Mitten's transition website.

  22. gunnergoz

    After a night of patriotic Man Love, Boehner probably passed out on top of McConnell and the latter could not get up in time to reach the phone.

  23. anniegetyerfun

    Obummer is giving a speech right now where he claims he won't back down on his economic plan. My uncle is standing on the stage behind him, which is why I am watching. I wish I could believe that this whole fiscal cliff thingie would be avoided, but I have very little faith in Congress.

    1. decentcitizen

      The fiscal cliff is a media creation in that there is nothing epic about Dec. 31. An agreement will be reached and even if it's in March be made retroactive. Sorry, no snark, just fact.

      1. jesus_vs_gojira

        On NPR this morning someone said the "fiscal cliff" would not be as bad as the U.S. defaulting on the debt, and another commentator (sorry, I can't bother to keep track of them) said "REALLY!?!?!"

  24. DocChaos

    In retrospect, "Yo Yertle, I got your one-term right here bitch" and "Hey Oompa, why don't you reach across the aisle and suck my dick." were probably not the best ways to open the conversations with whovever answered the phone.

  25. C_R_Eature

    Well, who among us hasn't had somebody tell callers you're asleep on election night when you're really sprawled on the bathroom floor, vomiting drunk?

  26. SayItWithWookies

    Boehner wasn't asleep, but once they put him in the smoker he can't come out for an hour or he'll lose that rich golden brown. As for Yertle, it was probably just paralysis — why should Tuesday be any different from the rest of his Senate career?

  27. 1stNewtontheMoon

    Let's be honest. One was transferring all his skin pigmentation to the other. Boehner is exactly what happens if you are white (times 2). And this also explains McConnell's translucence.

  28. notreelyhelping

    To be fair, by that time, the returns had come in, the message was clear, and Boehner was singing "Paranoid Android" into a Wild Turkey bottle while dancing his best Thom Yorke impression. When it gets to that point, the staff knows it's best to let it roll.

  29. SuspectedDemocrat

    Lucky for us national emergencies only happen during working hours, and Boehner and Mitch are totally useless anyway.

  30. sanantonerose

    I'm focused on Karl Rove. Laser focused. Super focused. And enjoying every. little. squeal. It was an "act of God!" No. It was luck! No. It was voter suppression! No. It was you, Karl. It was YOU all along.

    Don't y'all remember this gem spilling from his spittle-flecked and spiteful lips in 2004?

    Karl Rove to Ron Suskind after the 2004 re-election of Dubya: "Guys like you are in what we call the reality-based community," which he defined as people who "believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality." … "That's not the way the world really works anymore," he continued. "We're an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you're studying that reality—judiciously, as you will—we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors…and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do."

    Hey, Karl. The reality-based community just called. They took their country back.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Either my eyes deceive me…

      Where have you been sanantonerose? SO good to behold that sexy librarian-inspired peeper surveying the landscape over her eyeglass!

      1. sanantonerose

        *digging toe into ground* Awwwwwww shucks~! Oh, I've just been playing librarian and traveling Europe with my Portuguese lover. You know, the usual.

    2. fuflans

      wow so GLAD to see you back. please stay!

      and thanks for the reminder of that horror. makes me feel better about the schadenfreude addiction.

  31. Dumbedup

    Boner looks like he was locked in a smoke house for a week. As for that thing under McConnell's chin, he should get it removed, it's unsightly and distracts me from his infuriating smug twaddle.

  32. Incitefully_Joe

    But remember guys, the REAL reason that there's no bipartisanship in Washington is that Obama is a total mean girl to McConnell and Boehner, and totally not the other way around.

    1. Esteev

      Obama is such a drama queen. As if he really wanted to say "let's work together." He was probably just going to laugh at them for 10 minutes straight and hang up.

  33. Misty Malarky

    By the way, when is Romney gonna release his super for real plan to save the economy and balance the budget while sending every American their very own dancing pony?

    AFTER the election, right..?

    1. bikerlaureate

      Wow, that's right. If he's kind enough to share even half of his super-fantastic job creating strategy, I'll only be unemployed for half the remaining time it would've been otherwise! Yay Willard!

  34. Anne_Athema

    Having drained dry his daily bath tub full of gin, Speaker Oompah Loompah was indeed unconscious ( yet curiously still crying in his sleep).

    As far as Bitch the Turtle's level of consciousness goes, I'm not convinced he is ever fully cognizant nor coherent, so yeah, I guess that excuse would work for him, as well.

  35. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Hey, it was a slow night, nothing much happening, so they went to bed early. Makes perfect sense to me.

  36. Incitefully_Joe

    I'm pretty sure that when Obama called McConnell and Boehner, he, in the words of one "Jennifer Rubin":

    wasn't acting as a private citizen, and whatever he actions he took were done in the name of the United States.

    In other words, their country called for them, and they refused to accept the call.

  37. BadKitty904

    I was raised to admire professional-acting, sportsman-like losers. But then there's these guys…

    As ungracious in defeat as they are in victory.

  38. Jus_Wonderin

    I am sure someone said this but I don't want to actually read your comments. I bet Boehner and McConnell were both crying too loudly to hear the phone ring. Sure, it trails off the soft and sobbing whimpers eventually but that eventually hasn't happened…yet.

  39. BaldarTFlagass

    I really liked me some Jeff Lynne and the Electric Light Orchestra back in the day.

    Hello. How are you?
    Have you been alright, through all those lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely nights
    That's what I'd say. I'd tell you everything
    If you'd pick up that telephone yeah yeah yeah

    Hey. How you feelin?
    Are you still the same?
    Don't you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream?
    I just can't believe
    They've all faded out of view yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

    Ok. So no one's answering
    Well can't you just let it ring a little longer longer longer oh oh ooohhhhh
    I'll just sit tight through shadows of the night
    And let it ring for evermore oh oh ooohhhhh yeah yeah yeah

  40. C_R_Eature

    There were Tears all over the dance floor
    The TV's sayn' Romney will lose
    You pounded WhiskeyGator
    and half an hour later
    you were Barfin' all over
    McConnel's shoes!"

  41. mickeymusing

    Maybe if Republicans could learn to stop being such assholes they would win things, like elections.

  42. Eve8Apples

    Hey, I just beat you,
    And you sure are lazy,
    But here's my number,
    So call me, maybe?

    It's hard not to laugh,
    At you crazy.
    But you have my number,
    So call me, maybe?

  43. Troglodeity

    I wish there were a way those phone calls were recorded and could be FOIA requested by some enterprising news organization.

  44. jzgplj

    Isn't that what they've been doing the last few years, waking up every so often to yell "Abortion"?

  45. mustangsavvy

    To be fair, it's hard to hear thru the tanning machine. Boehner has to keep that healthy glow up somehow.

  46. Grokenstein

    Well, no, they weren't asleep, but no manly man wants the guy on the other end of the line to hear him crying, all ABLOO ABLOO A BLOO BLOO BLA BLOOOOOOOO.
    http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03162004

    (Google tells me angry little fanboys hate ABLOO ABLOO now. Consequently I am trying to get it into the dictionary as a real thing.)

  47. vtxmcrider

    Fortunately Obama was able to get through to Eric Cantor. As soon as Cantor answered the phone, Obama said, "Nah nah nah nah nah nah," and then hung up snickering.

  48. ttommyunger

    Oh Becca, thanks for the sweet memories……The last time I saw two dicks this close together I was in a threesome with Linda "The Skank" Monetti.

  49. Wile E. Quixote

    I think this picture should be used for GOTV efforts in 2014 with the caption "Do you want these men to win?"

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