get your sharia marxism here!

Dispatches From The FEMA Camps: Obama’s Second Term Will Destroy American Values, Be Amazing

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

You’ve heard right-wing pundits warn you about Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s plan to fundamentally change America as we know it. The secret Muslim/radical Marxist/probably gay Obama dreams of the day when he could force all decent, God-fearing Christian Americans (i.e. the whites) into gay marriages to radical Marxist-Muslims, they said. He acts all hope and changey now, but wait until he gets that second term and then it will be FEMA camps and forced veganism.

Well, it’s all true. All of it. Gloriously true!

At this very moment, Obama’s loyal shock troops are secretly building FEMA camps across this country. They will not only house and reeducate malcontents and neo-colonialist enemies of the state, but they will serve as local command centers for all of Obama’s radical second-term programs — Sharia Law, gun confiscation, indoctrination of children, seizure of private enterprise, etc. Some camps will even have their own death panels to ensure job-creating olds are removed from Obama’s Perfect New Society of young and brown people who don’t understand American values.

So what can we expect from these FEMA camps? Pretty much what you’ve been told. Here is someone on the internet relaying a conversation with an unnamed Marine sergeant clearly involved in planning for the internment of American citizens disloyal to the Obama regime.

We discussed the BOXCARS AND SHACKLES and MILITARY DETENTION CAMPS under MARTIAL LAW issue. A knowing smile broke out on his face as I described to him my research on future MARTIAL LAW and the role of PRISONER BOXCARS WITH SHACKLES.

When I mentioned how my research on this subject brought me to the HIGHLINE (the railroad tracks that run parallel to HIGHWAY 2 in northern Montana) and northern Montana, he admitted…

Quote: “The boxcars are NOT just up there…we have them spread out ALL OVER MONTANA… Billings… Bozeman…” He went on to name city after city in Montana.

Exactly. FEMA will be herding meth-addled real ‘Mericans from all across the heartland into railcar and shipping them to camps. Why trains? Because it’s more socialist that way.

Of course, Wonketteers are probably reading this and saying to themselves: “Hey this sounds great and all but how will Barry create the kind of emergency necessary to justify FEMA camps?”

The answer is the same way he got re-elected: Sandy-like superstorms.

“Hurricane Sandy interrupted Mr. Romney’s momentum and allowed Mr. Obama to look presidential and bipartisan,” Karl Rove rightly explained. Why do you think Obama used the White House weather machine to create Sandy in the first place?

Sponsored Intermission

You didn’t think the whole climate change conspiracy was just a ruse to build solar panels and wind farms did you? You’re missing the overall. Wind farms are the little Donald Segretti of this plot.

Obama and his handlers — Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Che Guevara (he faked his own death to manage Obama’s rise to power) — convinced the planet’s foremost climate scientists to invent this global warming business as a cover for the man-made storms that will allow Obama to herd the masses into FEMA camps.

But don’t think this is just about warehousing the real ‘Mericans and denying them access to Fox News. Once the plan is underway, there will be socialized medicine, unlimited food stamps for all the blacks, green cards for anyone named Juan or Pedro, and birth control pills distributed like PEZ to all those Obama-voting sluts — not that they’ll need them once everyone is force to be gay — it’s just another way Obama will make the baby Jesus cry.

Also the entire CBS primetime line-up will be replaced with Tyler Perry shows. Suck it, old white people.

Because that’s how awesome our Dear Leader is. The wingnuts were right. Say good-bye to America and say hello to that Muslim-Marxist paradise they’ve fantasized about fearing for the last four years.

Because it’s all true. Between now and Obama’s second inauguration, Wonkette will be your source for exclusive details about our shining path to a new America that will be like Greece crossed with Cuba but only more Muslim-y. Also gay.

YES, WE CAN!

About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_

    If Puerto Rico makes it in and becomes a state will the Westboro Church jerks make signs that say "God hates flags?"

    • BaldarTFlagass

      God Hates The Sharks!
      Snap, snap.

      • Barbara_

        FEMA camps? I hate camping, dammit!

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          Last year, at FEMA camp,……

        • SorosBot

          And summer camp was no fun to a young pale nerd like me, making us play sports all the time out in the hot skin-frying sun.

    • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

      "God Hates Rum."

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        In Puerto Rico, that's spelled "Ron"

        As in "Reagan"

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        Abbreviation for Rumsfeld? Then yes, and we all do.

    • IonaTrailer

      I thought he hated figs.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Forced gay marriage?

    Well, OK…Where's Incitefully Joe? He looks like a man I could stand to live with.

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    Can Anne be the FEMA camp swim coach? I need a little fapping encouragement these days so if she will dig out her old one piece (not talking Mitt here), well then, she's the chosen one for me.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't understand why he didn't do this shit during his first term. Sure would have made the election a lot less fraught.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      This has been my canned response to anyone who advanced the "he's just waiting until his second term" bullshit: "So, the black democrat with the muslim-sounding name is banking on a second term in the WH to unleash these plans?" This usually is followed by something along the lines of "well, he has the votes already in place due to ACORN/Black Panthers/ect," I point out that this sorta negates the whole "election hanging over his head" factor, so why again does he need to wait until the second term.

      Wash, rinse, repeat.

  • CrunchyKnee

    BOXCARS IN MONTANA?????!!!!!!???? WAKE UP SHEOPLE!!!!!???

    Oh, wait, don' they grow stuff up there and need to ship it places?

    • Terry

      They also need box cars for hobo casual transportation, so FEMA will need to find another way.

      • Toomush_Infer

        and the cartons of hobo beans…

        • HogeyeGrex

          It's more efficient when you ship them together.

    • Not_So_Much

      Coal. If you drive along I-90, you see miles and miles of boxcars heaped with coal.

      Of course, I suppose they could also have fancy ones with shackles and ball-gags that you can't easily see from the road. But I'm thinking 'no'.

      • zumpie

        And timber. And cars. All things I thought Puggies liked!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Boxcars. For the tons of boxes we all will need to sleep in

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Obama’s loyal shock troops are secretly building FEMA camps across this country."

    Housing starts are up up UP!!!

    • shelwood46

      OMG, I just saw a report about a FEMA camp in Oceanport NJ. They are holding hostage utility workers and first responders and people with storm damaged homes, and torturing them with hot food and showers. It was horrifying.

  • Terry

    I'd laugh at this if I didn't know for sure that there are people out there who believe this kind of thing whole cloth.

    • Barbara_

      I'm going to Terry's tent to have FEMA smores and to tell ghost stories.

      • Terry

        I'm hoarding good quality champagne, along with Hershey bars, marshmallows, and graham crackers.

        • Barbara_

          My perfect friend!

    • PsycWench

      It's times like that I am reminded that half of the population has an IQ below normal.

  • forgracie

    Why trains? That's how Dagny Taggart got around.

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      Trains, which couldn't have existed in the first place without amazingly generous gifts of land and rights-of-way from the government.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        No way. It was Ayn Rand who personally laid all that track with her bare hands, and pounded the spikes with her face.

  • One_who_wanders

    These people have missed their calling they should be teaming up with Clive Cussler to write Dirt Pitt (t) novels.

  • FNMA

    Wait a minute…Montana has cities?

    • Terry

      Not so much cities as places where farm products are brought to be sold and shipped out.

      • BadKitty904

        Built by prairie-dogs.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Yes, and both of them are scenic, with a slight edge to Billings over Bozeman.

      • snowpointsecret

        Missoula wants to have a word with you.

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          Not Mroula? Wow, who wears the pants there?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Hmph. Kalispell farts in the general direction of Billings, Bozeman, and Butte.

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          Hah, you used "farts" and "Butte" in the same sentence.
          By the way, did you mean Kantispell?

      • Negropolis

        Helena libel!

    • Negropolis

      Well, city-ish or city-esque, anyway.

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      Hey! Don't forget Glendive. Actually named after a bar!

    • Nostrildamus

      Visit scenic Butte !!!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Y'all are making these posts too long to read. I'm still hungover from Election Night/ Morning goddammit!

  • docterry6973

    It's about damn time. I can't wait to get my fancy new colonel's cap and sunglasses.

    • ThundercatHo

      Hey, aviators look good on everybody.

      • HogeyeGrex

        There's a sailor joke in there somewhere.

  • Schmannnity

    If there is one place n the United States that is a hotbed of Muslim extremists and Sharia law, it's Montana.

    • BadKitty904

      Damned prairie-muslins…

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Dear white Christian males who WANT THEIR COUNTRY BACK:

    Sorry, you don't get it.

    All the best,

    Everyone else

    • BaldarTFlagass

      *touches picture of President Obama*

      "Black black no take back."

    • SorosBot

      This is one white male who says good riddance to the white men.

      • Botlrokit

        I proudly own a shirt that says "I don't like white people, either."

        • DCBloom

          OMG, my husband's birthday is coming and that would make an excellent gift!
          He has one with Geronimo on it that says "Homeland Security"

          • Botlrokit

            http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/i-dont-lik

            deit: I don't know where it was actually bought (t'was a gift from my daughter), but I loves it.

          • DCBloom

            Thanks for the linky.

          • SuspectedDemocrat

            I see those at the annual pow wow every year. "Fighting illegal immigration since 1492" I would wear one, but I'm too white to even wear it ironically, so I just make a donation, and eat some fried bread, and apologize for my ancestors being such genocidal fuckwads.

          • BaronOGreymatr

            Hey, this Scots/German pasty-white guy owns and wears such a shirt, and nobody has told me off yet.

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      You can have your country back, but first there's the matter of some unpaid bills for labor.

  • elviouslyqueer
  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm moving to Montana soon
    Gonna be a camp commandant.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Keep the wax.

    • Lot_49

      Something along these lines, nicht wahr?

    • zumpie

      Excellent! You can bully and subjugate during the work week and still go skiing or enjoy nature walks in your free time!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Stay away from my dental floss farm!

    • proudgrampa

      (As Sergeant Schultz): I hear nothing! I see nothing!

    • Nostrildamus

      Bet Limey Lizzie will dig your uniform.

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    There's a FEMA camp being built right across the street from my house. And, since it's nicer than my house, I think I'll be moving in.

  • elgin_pelican

    Can we please stop saying "'Mericans?" That's all over reddit like a rash, and we're better than that.

    • the_deliverator

      ya, and anyway, isn't the proper spelling Muricans?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Merkins?

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Murka Murka?

          • MosesInvests

            Mercians?

    • Botlrokit

      No. Not until they give up this ONE NATION UNDER GOD nonsense.

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    I'll never understand why these PEOPLE are SO FUCKING ANGRY.

    • Lot_49

      Son, it's not just because there's a colored man in the "White" House. They were that way even back in 2003, when they controlled both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court, and Chimpy was prez. It's just the way they are. They're still getting over learning about what happens when Daddy and Mommy go in the bedroom and lock the door.

      "NO, MOMMY! You said you love ME!"

      • PugglesRule

        THIS x eleventy billion.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Two words, darling. Two simple words.

    • BadKitty904

      Because they didn't get their way.

    • SorosBot

      They want the government to stay out of their Medicare!

    • Negropolis

      Because, if they stopped being angry, they'd actually have to start doing shit and solving problems ansd stop hating people, and we can't have that, now can we?

      I've known a few angry people in my life. For them, being angry is literally a hobby; it keeps them occupied.

    • kyeshinka

      No sex and no drugs makes these people dull, angry boys.

    • T3rbo

      BECAUSE NO ONE SHARES THEIR FACEBOOK POSTS (clink clink)

  • fartknocker

    And these same old farts are enjoying Social Security while they drive like shit on the nice roads that fuel taxes paid for. They still don't understand that the majority re-elected our President because of his leadership, not because of his ethnicity.

    I hope they enjoy watching the tee-vee show about preppers, keep purchashing thousands of rounds of ammo, and continue to rant on the interwebs. Me, I want to watch Boehner and McConnell shake like an alcoholic going through withdrawls when Claire McKaskill and Elizabeth Warren start shoving anal probes into the Board of Chase, J.P. Morgan, et.al with some nice legislation to regulate the bankers.

  • Schmannnity

    FEMA camps and unlimited foodstamps: Keine Arbeit Macht Frei.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Macaroni and cheese will set you free?

  • snowpointsecret

    If he really hated us, he'd send us to Circle, where the big attraction is a 1950's working gas station that they never bothered to upgrade and the "big city" is Glendive, an hour drive to a town of 4,930.

    Now I'm going to try to forget I ever was stuck in that area for a few days. It was as surreal as the premise of "FEMA camps" in the first place.

    • SexySmurf

      Dude, I've been to Circle many time (got kin there, y'all). You forgot to mention the rampant drug abuse and miles and miles of empty NOTHING.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Maybe they should call that town "Ninth Circle."

      • snowpointsecret

        So those signs all over Montana were a sign of something worse… Now I know why I was so glad to see signs of civilization… Well, even Idaho Falls counted by that point.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    we have them spread out ALL OVER MONTANA… Billings… Bozeman…” He went on to name city after city in Montana.

    A+ in Montana geography; F- in rational thought.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I bet this Marine karaokes to "Kokomo" every Friday night.

    • mbatch

      I'm guessing said Marine was having a very, very hard time keeping a straight face while coming up with extra helpings of crazy sauce to drive this guy into orbit.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, is that a picture of Harry Dean Stanton?

    "FEMA man is always intense."

    • CrunchyKnee

      Avenge me son, AVENGE MEEEEEEEEEEEE!

  • Lot_49

    Sure wish they'd start the socialization by seizing my cable company. No government agency was ever so incompetent, avaricious, smugly unresponsive or malignant as Cox Cable.

    And thanks for the Donald Segretti shout-out. Who knew anyone else remembered the guy they called "Ratfucker" in the Nixon White House?

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      One way or another, weren't they all called "Ratfucker" in the Nixon White House?

    • PugglesRule

      I could add Charter Cable to that list *smites*

  • Respitetini

    I, for one, welcome our new non-existent overlords.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    HAL HOLBROOK LIBEL!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Boxcars? Are we creating jobs by doing away with containerized shipping?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    So, Shangri-la.

    • Exhausted66

      No. Sharia – La.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if this conspiracy is Bigger Than Obama's Dick.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Obama's dick looks bigger, but it's black. So there. Also.

  • Schmannnity

    I don't mind Montana as long as I don't have to work on Frank Zappa's dental floss farm.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      But you get a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers!!!

    • DCBloom

      Damn, that's exactly where I would want to work

      • DahBoner

        Hell, yeah! Making underwear for strippers and Gen-X'ers…

  • SorosBot

    If I was an "unnamed marine sergeant", I too would love making up stories about FEMA martial law camps for unhinged wingnuts to fuck with them.

    • T3rbo

      my thoughts exactly. the confirmation for this story is a marine who smiled at a wingnut and said "Oh, fuck yeah, lots of boxcars." Like they are going to put the marines in charge of something like this-the Army's quartermaster corps actually has trains, but nevermind that. All 11 of the active duty marines stationed in Wyoming have got this covered.

  • mille derps

    Unnamed Marine has a great sense of humor…

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Wonkette will be your source for exclusive details

    from the previous post:
    refresh Wonkette dot com constantly for cruel Mitt Romney coverage

    The preponderance of media-advertising pamphlet parlance wrapping up these last few posts has begun to faze me just a little.

  • mille derps

    Completely OT (I think): interview with Shane McGowan: http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/m

  • Negropolis

    Why trains? Because it’s more socialist that way.

    Funniest line of the post.

    Also the entire CBS primetime line-up will be replaced with Tyler Perry shows.

    **shudders**

    Trust me, old, angry white conservatives won't be the only ones pissed with this decision. I'm just sayin'. If there is a hell, all of the televisions are set to a loop of Tyler Perry media.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I hope I get sent to band camp!

    • ThundercatHo

      That's where the shock troops will learn to march.

    • Schmannnity

      I am hoping for Col. Klink and Sgt. Schultz in mine.

    • Negropolis

      This one time at Fema camp, I…

    • MosesInvests

      If I can be there with Alyson Hannigan, me too!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    relaying a conversation with an unnamed Marine sergeant

    Marine NCOs would never think of taking the piss out of gullible idiots who babble about boxcars and shackles.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      The Giveaway:

      “we have them spread out ALL OVER MONTANA… Billings… Bozeman…”

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        He named city after city. That's right, two cities.

        • DahBoner

          "Billings..Bozeman…uh….uh…."

    • T3rbo

      OT as hell, but funny (and true!)

      I worked with a Marine who hated someone on a jobsite, some job supervisor, so he started barking at him like a dog every day. Finally, the supervisor lost his temper and yelled at the marine "WHAT THE FUCK-WHY ARE YOU BARKING AT ME?" The marine said "That's how we say 'fuck you' in dog language."
      Two days later, the marine, the supervisor, and the super's boss are in a job elevator, and the marine starts barking. The supervisor throws his hardhat off and yells out "God damn it!" The boss says, "what's the big deal?"
      Super: "He's saying 'fuck you' in dog language!"

    • PsycWench

      When I was working with rats in grad school, I occasionally told the rat-phobic security people about the rats that sometimes escaped and were exposed to the radiation experiments and roamed the bathrooms at night, oversized and slightly glowing. May God forgive me.

  • ckinsobe

    I'm an Obama slut.
    Where do I sign up for guard duty at a camp?
    Will whips and leather uniforms be provided for free?

    • GregComlish

      Wait, are you an Obaminatrix? A gorgeous Malia look-alike dressed in vegan black leather with a brutal selection of toys representing the raw sexual ferocity of the socialist state?

      • ckinsobe

        Well, I am WHITE so I am obviously consumed with self loathing, but otherwise yeah.

  • Misty Malarky

    One the bright side, the FEMA camps are probably much nicer than the shitty 80s era single-wides they now inhabit.

  • kyeshinka

    Will there be an English-only mandate in the camps?

    • mille derps

      No, you must only speak Swahili or Arabic.

      • UW8316154

        …to the *guards", that is. Spanish is reserved for the prisoners.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe it's just Boxcar Willie's latest national concert tour.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The Wheatbelt Archipelago.

    • mille derps

      There's a belt nobody wants to unbuckle…

  • synykyl

    I'm fine with most of Obama's diabolical plan, but I think there are already enough Tyler Perry shows on TV.

  • BartStarrland

    Needs more BARBED WIRE.

    • mille derps

      And more barbed wit…

    • PubOption

      Pam Anderson?

  • Exhausted66

    I was hoping they'd use trains so it could be carried out whistle-stop style. Stop in evey major city so we can cheer them on.
    FOWARD… to camp!

  • Mahousu

    If America is going to be turned into Greece, I call dibs on the Santorini part.

    • Mittaplasia

      Dibs on dolmades!

    • mille derps

      I can haz spanakopita?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'll take Lesbos, thanks.

    • Nostrildamus

      If America turns into Greece, all the white will be sent to FETA camps.

  • Stevola

    No access to "Fox News"? Can I go to FEMA camp?

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

    Awesome alt text today!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Boxcars? Really? I would have guessed Amtrak.

    • mille derps

      They must not have consulted Old Handsome Joe Biden…

    • T3rbo

      IT'S GOING TO BE HIGH SPEED RAIL! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!!111!!1111!!11

  • ph7

    Forced labor in Montana? Someone has to pick the dental floss raised by the tycoon.

  • Lot_49

    O'Reilly and Hannity & Co say people voted for Obama because they want "stuff." This is our stuff. Now get in this boxcar, Glenn.

  • Schmannnity

    FEMA boxcars are preferable to FEMA snake eyes.

    • Lot_49

      Acey-Deucy! Little Joe! Eight the hard way!

  • Mittaplasia

    I predicted this on Yahoo in '08:

    What SHOULD have happened: The prez comes out to say hello to the teahadists who promptly curse, spit upon, scream at and threaten him. Enter the brownshirts who haul them off to a FEMA camp in a secret location (under Wrigley Field, maybe?) heavily guarded by ACORN ops. The sadistic warden, Barney Frank, welcomes them with an evil laugh. Rahm Emanuel snaps rumps with a towel in the showers. Chef Michelle Obama keeps them trim by refusing to allow second helpings of gruel and "Drop down and gimme' twenty" Drill Sgt. Nancy Pelosi keeps them fit. As chaplain, Rev. Wright says his all-white gospel group can holler and shout with the best of 'em and a Kwanzaa CD should be out around Christmastime.

    You Betcha'!

  • snowpointsecret

    I thought FEMA death camps were those temporary lead-filled homes people have been stuck in since Katrina.

    • Mittaplasia

      These are the new and improved express lane death camps.

  • kissawookiee

    This guy apparently missed the memo that when fucking with a conspiracy theorist, step one is always flashing a knowing smile. Sorta like springing a True Nail handshake on a Mormon missionary.

  • UW8316154

    The wingnuts are on to us.

  • Botlrokit

    Jesus Fucking Shit. Are we back to these goddamned militia stories again? Is this another decade of overweight civilians who start burying weapons in hillsides and learning subsistence through hoarding and hollow-eyed distrust?

    FUCK YOU PEOPLE, you're not a specialist or survivalist. You're attention whores. All you want is to waddle in your diaper and listen to your god damn AM radios for your entertainment marching orders. You already know how bad those MREs taste, but you're stocking up on 'em anyway.

    The only fucking difference between you and your childhood is that you're already at home when you pick up your little army mens and leave. Oh, that and Type-2 Diabetes, assholes. Just no veterans' benefits, because you suck like that.

    AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGH

  • UW8316154

    "A knowing smile broke out on his face as I described to him my research on future MARTIAL LAW and the role of PRISONER BOXCARS WITH SHACKLES."

    I don't think that was a "knowing smile" in the sense that YOU think it was a knowing smile. My guess is that the Marine realized he had a live one on his hands, and proceeded to take full advantage.

  • BadKitty904

    Maybe it's just me, but I thought the socialist revolution would be louder. All I hear outside are mockingbirds and the construction guys doing repair work on the house next door.

  • Goonemeritus

    You laugh about forced veganism but I am a real victim. If I didn’t stop on the way home from work for the occasional plate of ribs I would be forced to go through life fueled only by crispy Brussels sprouts and brown rice. And to prove the connection my wife has been wearing her collection of tofu stained Obama tee-shirts for weeks.

  • BadKitty904

    What about uniforms? Do we get uniforms? Are they cute? And natural-fibers only, please.

  • Negropolis

    Montana? Really? I thought we'd store them where we store everything else. You know, Alaska, America's Freezer. It's like Siberia, but with a folksy, Midwestern accent.

    • Mittaplasia

      Um, it's not like we plan on thawing them out later, ala Walt Disney.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        We can thaw them out after science discovers a cure for stupidity.

  • widestanceromance

    Once we get moved to Montana, will we be forced to work the dental floss fields there, as well?

    • Mittaplasia

      I hope I get to pick the waxed ones which are much easier on your hands and the minty ones leave the nicest smell after a hard day's work.

  • DixvilleCrotch

    I for one welcome our upcoming all gay country.

    How do we get the next generation though? Human cloning in South Korea or something?

    • BadKitty904

      Outsource it to India/China.

    • Mittaplasia

      It's getting close to Thanksgiving so we'd better pick up some turkey basters before they run out.

  • Mittaplasia

    HA! OT but Hannity says his position on immigration has EVOLVED and Boehner has chimed in, as well. I double-checked and it wasn't Onion News, but Yahoo, so it will be a real hate-fest, comments-wise.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    OT: I GOT MY WONKETTE STICKERS LAST NIGHT!!! I wasn't expecting them when I got the mail.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      What's with these stickers everyone is talking about? all I see for sale in the Bazaar are T-shirts, a tote bag, gift wrap, and coming-soon panties. I'd buy some stickers.

  • JustPixelz

    A day at FEMA camp in Montana is better than a month at home under a Dubya/Romney* administration.
    _____________________________
    * My eyes aren't so good after gouging them out so many times after seeing pictures of Sarah Palin™ … so i can't tell Dubya and Romney (who?) apart.

  • calliecallie

    Agenda 21!

    Years ago I had to respond to a constituent letter complaining that the stickers on the back of the highway signs were a series of code directing the UN troops to the crematorium in Indiana where we would all be forced to go as part of the New World Order. (The stickers are actually date information, so you can tell how old the sign is and when it should be replaced.)

    Now they complain that all this city place-making-livability-sustainability-community- planning stuff is just a way to make people live closer to the city center so they will be easier to round up when it's time to load them on the box cars to Montana.

    Personally, I think Montana is too good for them.

    • VaWyo

      It will also be easier to round them up after the UN treaty about international gun sales goes into effect and US citizens are required to hand over their guns.

    • GeneralLerong

      Personally, I think Montana is too good for them.

      Then you've never had to drive through eastern Montana.

  • ttommyunger

    I totally concur with this cogent and incisive analysis: Unnamed Grand Poobah of Upper Butt-Crack and former Field Marshal in the Underground Balloon Corps.

  • AutomaticPilot

    Will it have those cakes we like?

  • T3rbo

    Every time I want to smile at a foolish theory, I google "FEMA box cars." Priceless laughs: did you know that the FEMA camps are going to have, and I quote, "GULLOTENES." I don't know what that is, really, but I am super scared. If it is what I think it is, it's very similar to a mullotene, which CHOPS OFF MULLETS, SHEEPLE!
    Really, though, why wouldn't the FEMA trains take people to Cheyenne Mountain, where the Stargate is? Just cold beam rednecks to a prison planet and force them to grow hemp and print books about gay marriage?

    • calliecallie

      Maybe they will cold beam those rednecks to Mitt's planet.

      • T3rbo

        that would actually be a win-win…

  • Serolf_Divad

    Hurry up, Barack, now's the time to enslave all freedom loving Real Americans… not back in 2009 when Congress was in Democratic hands had a, you know, 60 vote super-majority in the Senate.

    • T3rbo

      The super weather machine wasn't working yet, librul.
      Step 1: shoot clouds with weather machine
      Step 2: make floods
      Step 3: declare martial law
      Step 4: call all 18 active duty marines in Montana, have them send boxcars
      Step 5: determine, via Facebook, which weather refugees are righties
      Step 6: put righties into boxcars
      Step 7: take rightites to stargate
      Step 8: beam righties to prison planet
      Step 9: gay marry all remaining population
      Step 10: profit

    • Negropolis

      I love the myth about the 60 vote supermajority in the Senate. It was a technical supermajority, becaus everyone knows that Ben Nelson wasn't no Dem, among a handful of others. We're too big a tent for that kind of discipline.

  • RelicOven

    Do these new birth control pills taste like Pez?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Oh, and now I suppose you're going to do the Church Lady Superior Dance, right?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Thing is, I can't dance. I just fling my arms and bite my tongue. It is not pretty.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I went vegan in February of 2012. DAMN YOU OBAMAZ!!11!1

  • VaWyo

    People this stupid shouldn't be allowed Internet access. Also, I was just in Billings and there are no more boxcars there than there were when W was president.

    • T3rbo

      Yeah, but if you went up there now, they totally stick out. They all have the word "FORWARD" stenciled on the side

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Shouldn't they be boycotting everything invented by famous Obama supporter Sir Tim Berners Lee?

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Hahahaha. Paranoid dumbasses still paranoid and dumb as shit.

  • An_Outhouse

    "herd the masses into FEMA camps."

    I don't think the plan is for the masses, more for just Faux News viewers. Its like taking the bad kids out of class and putting them in in-school suspension.

  • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

    See Montana by rail!

  • synykyl

    Hello Grampa.
    Hello Gramma.
    Here I am at,
    Camp Obama.
    Fema camp is,
    entertaining.
    And they say we'll have some fun once we're detraining.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Bravo.

      • synykyl

        Glad you liked it. Here's another verse for you ;-)

        You remember,
        Jimmy Ackles?
        They've released him,
        from his shackles.
        Now I don't mean,
        to disparage,
        but I don't think he's enjoying forced gay marriage.

        • calliecallie

          Awesome!

          Take me home, oh Grandpa, Gramma
          Take me home, I hate Obama.
          Don't leave me out in Montana where
          I can eat only vegan fare.

          • synykyl

            This thread is getting old, but I would be remiss if I did not respond to this.
            Well done ;-)

    • ckinsobe

      Great.
      Now I'm going to be singing that ditty the rest of the day,.

  • cousinitt

    Here in Denver, it's common knowledge that our DIA airport is EEEEVIL http://io9.com/5807582/proof-that-denver-airport-

    No, really. I have a student whose father totally knows someone in the concrete business who actually worked on DIA. They said work schedules were staggered to prevent any one contractor from knowing the FEMA plan.

    • calliecallie

      Having spent a long layover at the old Denver airport, I can state with certainty that THAT place was evil. And crowded, dirty, small, noisy. Like Hell without the flames.

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

    What, no mention of the suede/denim secret police?

  • Redgyal

    I know some Greek Cubans who might take offense to this post.

  • DahBoner

    Last time I was in LA, I noticed that 90% of the BOXCARS have Chinese Names like 'HONG DONG' or something, so get used to working your slave labor jobs at FOXCONN DETROIT my loser Republican bitches…

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Trains? I thought the UN was going to force them all to ride bicycles!

  • mustangsavvy

    "….a new America that will be like Greece crossed with Cuba but only more Muslim-y. Also gay."

    So essentially…..burqas for all and the glitter is thrown in for free?!?!?! Yay! I love me some fabulous hand-outs from my new Gay Overlords!

  • anniegetyerfun

    A "knowing smile" is the kind that spreads across your face when you realize that you can really fuck with the asshole who is begging you to tell him about the troops in the back woods of Montana.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    MORE gay than Greece? Modern-day Greece or ancient "We'll fuck any hole on any person anytime anywhere" Greece?

  • rickmaci

    "…Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s plan to fundamentally change America as we know it." Ain't it about fuking time? Isn't that what the majority of Americans voted for, TWICE !! I've been waiting four years for him to get his act together and get started on this.

  • grace_nearing

    Do these FEMA camps have electricity and water? Because those of us currently stuck in SandyLand might want a round-trip ticket.

    • shelwood46

      Throw in wifi and I'm never leaving.

  • Dirkrockwood

    How do I sign up for a job. Looking to hook up with the cattle-prod division.

  • Troglodeity

    "A knowing smile broke out across his face …" Because of course a U.S. Marine would be in on such a traitorous plot in the first place, and yet at the same time be willing to blab all about it to some wingnut.

    I swear: makes me nostalgic for the rapier-like insights of Skoal Rebel.

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    I'm okay with the trains, but only if I end up in a romantic frozen dacha with Omar Sharif.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      i don't know, dude's got a temper. i remember some legendary fight with john noble?

      denethor vs dr zhivago…

  • Nostrildamus

    A knowing smile broke out on his face as I described to him my research

    I'll bet.

  • mosaickmind

    DIBS on Rachael Maddow….!