Rep. Paul Broun (R-Gethsemane) is in a pretty safe district, being that Georgia’s 10th is about as far-right and uber-religious as they come. Broun is the one, you recall, who is a medical doctor who does not believe in medicine, who runs around yelling things like — and we are not making this quote up — “All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell.”
This time around, the gentleman scholar from Athens ran unopposed for his seat in the House — but that does not mean people did not oppose him. This post was originally about how 4,000 voters wrote in “Charles Darwin” against Broun, because how sad is that, that the poor libruls have given up fielding candidates and are now just voting for dead scientists.
But! There is more! The charming folks at Flagpole magazine, because that’s what every business is called in District 10, have gotten a full list of write-in votes there, and they are fabulous, and your Wonket people have gone through all 371 pages of them, to bring you the big, grand, super-democratic list of candidates people would rather vote for than Paul Broun. (Okay, and a few other races that didn’t have a Dem on the ticket.)
There will be no more commentary, aside from that there were votes in several D-10 races for Leslie Knope, 2 Chainz, John Coltrane, and, a personal favorite, “My dog, Charles.” No word on whether that was related to another totally real vote cast for “Burning bag of dog shit,” which was specifically against Broun.
The electoral angst of District 10 and its Republican slate is far, far funnier than any blogger could ever be, even though we suspect some of these candidates may not technically be eligible for office in Georgia. Here are some of the best votes against Broun, though they be a mite shuffled:
- Oprah Winfrey
- A bag of Rocks
- Albus Dumbledore
- A human being with a brain or at least not a religious fanatic
- A wet rag
- Alexander Hamilton
- Anybody else on the planet
- Bob Dylan
- Ao;Pw0DDAAEYRKWW
- Bambi
- Bart Simpson
- Big Bird
- Bill Nye The Science Guy
- Bill Clinton
- Ben Franklin
- Beyonce
- Bob Ross
- Brian
- Burning bag of dog shit
- Captain Jack Sparrow
- Captain Kirk
- Charles ‘Fuck Paul Broun’ Darwin
- Charles Barkley
- Charlie Brown
- Chavez
- Chewbacca
- Cgycj Birrus
- CM Punk
- Cthulu
- Copernicus
- David Foster Wallace
- David Tennant
- Dog Shit
- Eleanor Roosevelt
- Elmer Fudd
- Freedom
- Evolution Is Real
- Greg Allman
- Harry Truman
- Honey Boo Boo
- Homer Simpson
- Homo erectus
- Howdy Doody
- Humpty Dumpty
- James Carter
- Jesus Christ
- John Scopes
- Julian Assange
- Lady Gaga
- Lebron James
- Led Zepplin
- Literally anyone else
- Lurr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8
- Madea
- McCommunist
- Ultramantis Black
- Maya Angelou
- Michael Stipe
- Mohammed
- Mr T
- Mom
- Chris Christie
- Clint Eastwood
- Cookie Monster
- Neil DeGrass Tyson
- Neil Gaimam
- No way Jose
- Noam Chomsky
- Obamaaaa
- Obi Wan
- OMFG
- Optimus Prime
- Pedro
- Publix sub
- Ron Swanson
- Science
- Skagnor
- Subcomandante
- The Great Pumpkin
- Taylor Swift
- Toby Keith
- Vermin Supreme
- Voldemort
- Yoda
- Willie Nelson
- Willy Wonka
- Zelda
And here are some of D-10′s other glorious write-ins, for freedom:
- 2 Chainz
- Christopher Hitchens
- Clarence Darrow
- Dracula
- Dr. Mhm
- Guy Fawkes
- Fidel Castro
- Howard Zinn
- Huey Lewis
- Harry Potter
- Jay Z
- Liz Lemon
- Mitch
- Peppy Le Pew
- Rufus Wainwright
- Seagrams Ginger Ale
- Teddy Roosevelt
- Stan Lee
- Tom Jones
- Tony Stark
- YOLO
- The Rock
- Tim Allen
- Turd sandwich
- Weird Al
- Matt Ryan
- Elenor Rigby
- Hulk Hogan
- Mtn Dew
- Pluto
- Popeye
- Alan Turing
- Cher
- Freud
- Furby
- Hairy Dawg
- Mike Vick
- Waka Flocka Flame
- Bubba Gump
- Dale Earnhardt Jr
- John Grisham
- Judge Dredd
- Poop
- Qbert
- Rambo
- Ronald Reagan
- Rush Limbaugh
- Ted Nugent
- Zoidberg
- Al Gore
- Buddy Rommer
- David A. Titshaw [note: He is real, not just hilariously named]
- Eagle
- Eugene Victor Debs
- Jarvis Muthafuckin Jones
- George Clooney
- George Patton
- Hello Kitty
- Hillary Clinton
- Jesus
- Joel Osteen
- King of Kings
- Mars Curiosity Rover
- Satan
- Truth
- A Clown
- F
- Foxeye
- Iggy Pop
- Ron Swanson
- Spongebob Squarepants
- Stephen Davis
- Abraham Lincoln
- Anthony Bourdain
- Anyone else
- Bacon
- Batman
- Darth Vader
- Any sentient being
- Elmo
- John Coltrane
- Jon Stewart
- Kobe Bryant
- Leslie Knope
- Luke Skywalker
- Mickey Mouse
- Mr Ed
- My dog, Charles
- Stephen Colbert
- William Jefferson Clinton
Democracy, a beautiful thing. [Flagpole, via tipster Sara Kate W]
{ 216 comments }
Flagpole magazine? Is that sold behind the counter of the 7-11 because it shows pictures of men eating apple pie off Betsy Ross's tits?
Barb, I think it's a gay men's magazine.
I mean, ol' Betsy *could* be one them "fag hags" but I doubt they'd lick pie off her boobies.
Well, as a politeness, maybe…
Oh, but of course. How silly of me.
Fapatriotic!
There's some pretty clever entries there.
Wait, this happened in Georgia?
Maybe there's hope after all.
I'm surprised how few votes Alfred E. Neuman got.
I was thinking the same thing as I came across the name Rufus Wainright. That's a sad homo in that district.
This district encompasses Athens, which is home to UGA and (like a lot of college towns) is a liberal enclave within Georgia. Broun has publicly denounced the town; It's not really like any other place in the state.
Here in red suburban hell, we wrote in Donkey Teeth (h/t to Key & Peele) for all the races where the only option was a republican.
My favorite from that list so far:
"Better Options, Please"
Misread it, I was thinking "Butter Options, Please" on a Betsy Ross pie slice.
I rather like Honey Boo Boo.
Lurr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8
I was really expecting a stronger showing from him/ her/ it…
Seems kinda butch to me, but then maybe she drives a Subaru
And only one vote for Cthulu?
Maybe that's just because it's really hard to remember how it's spelled.
And nobody voted for Kodos.
He’s from freaking Gethsemane and no one wrote in Judas???
David Tennant
The better Doctor, by far.
Christopher Eccleston libel!
(ITT: everyone posts their favorite Doctor)
Eric Idle.
(What? He would have been great.)
JON PERTWEE LIBEL, (for the olds)!
Peter Davidson and Tom Baker for the nostalgia, but i have to say I think Matt Smith is absolutely killing it as The Doctor, no offense to northerners Tenant And Ecclestone.
But why no "Pancake Wrapped Sausage Dipped in Baconnaise?" That would have won the election, single-votedly.
Which one of you GA Wonketteers wrote "Burning bag of dog shit"? I salute that fine person.
As a Southerner, I was pleased to see "Publix sub" in the running, but was disappointed that neither "Wickles" nor "jar of Mama's chow-chow" made the ticket.
What do you guys call those pickles you make in Kool-Aid?
Hmmm. That's a new one on me. Sounds more like something Alabama might do… ;0)
The End of Western Civilization.
Chow chow! As a recover(ing?)(ed) southerner, I remember chow chow fondly. Hella better than plain old pickle relish.
No worries. They'll be nominated for cabinet seats.
White bubbles spurted from my nose after reading this one, no more milk while Wonketting…
I thought "Burning Bag of Dogshit" got stomped in the primaries?
But made its point.
Got stomped! ISWYD :P
I think if it had been a Wonketteer it would have been "Burning bag of salted rat dicks."
Freedom Riders + Wonkette Snark = This List
ok, which one of us wrote in "Cthulu"?
Well… ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn, after all.
Had a last-minute challenge from Shub-Niggurath. That's 1,001 votes right there.
C_R_eature.
A vote for Cthulhu definitely doesn't raise any questions of moral relativism, it is without question a vote for the greater of all possible evils and this website explains it all.
http://cthulhu2008.blogspot.com
Nobody wrote me in :-((
Actor212 in 2014!
A pre-snarked post? Job destroyer!
ON STRIKE!
Huey Lewis? Is he still alive?
Don't you get the news????
You better let me know.
Hey, it's still hip to be square!
The heart of rock 'n roll is still beating.
I really like Publix sux, combining political and commercial commentary in just two words.
Was that where I read, "Publix sub"? I thought it must be a submarine sandwich available at the Florida supermarket chain's deli. And it struck me that yes, this could be as appropriate a viable contender as anything!
Yes, it was. And they're damn tasty, as well as being a real bargain.
Not if you get the Boar's Head meats, though. Ick.
With Seagrams Ginger Ale as its running mate. Not the most experienced candidates, but probably the most delicious!
I had "Publix sub" but then thought I had made a mistake and changed it to "Publix sux" which isn't nearly as funny.
Oops.
He's from Gethsemane and no one wrote in Judas Iscariot???
Leslie Knope! Yay! My favorite city councilwoman. And she'll be happy to know that Eleanor Roosevelt was written in, too.
I call bullshit.
Not ONE vote for Dick Hertz?
Seriously, Mike Stipe and Mike Vick, and not Mike Hunt? Maybe we are really old.
Or even the Cunning Runts of UGeorgia's track team!
Or Dick Gazinya of porn fame?
Didn't he marry Nettie Nockers?
What of Phill McCrack?
Amanda Hugginkiss? Mrs. Chokesondick?
Or Jablome, first name Heywood.
Well, at least Cthuhlu got one, even if it was misspelled. Won't save the dude from a lifetime of backbreaking dominance and terror, but hey, he can be proud he voted for the ultimate winner!
Mike Hunt.
I didn't notice a Sillius Soddus, or Biggus Dickus.
Not even an Incontinentia Buttocks!
Altho to be fair, that's hard to write if you didn't get past the third grade. We are talking Georgia here.
Past the third grade? Hey, this isn't Soviet Georgia we're talking about.
Or Inanimate Carbon Rod! Or Kang, or Kodos!
Or Hugh G. Rection?
Thankfully, a Hugh Johnson/Buster Hymen ticket was not thrust upon the electorate.
Don't try to ram your Johnson down my throat!
Thrust, eh? :P
Best. Dinner Party. Fantasy. Guest list. EVER.
Anytime you can get Qbert, Bob Ross, and the Mars Curiosity Rover in the same room, at the same time, DO IT.
I am seriously, going to carry with me into sleep tonight the wishful prelude-to-a-dream's-realization of this fantasy. ALL of the above listees, assembled for dinner and hobknobbing… then when things get GOOD and ass-smashed enough in overall mood and initiative, go hire a driver and a dozen U-haul's* to cruise the town in, cause I believe that's how they do "limousine-lahk" tour duty in some parts of Georgia?
*image borrowed from Goonemeritus, below~
Instead of a U-Haul, maybe a double-decker bus? I'd love to see their faces.
Adorable! And, yes. It occurred to me you can't really see the sights, within or without, given U-Hauls' lack of windows for opportunity. I was thinking of that episode of Jackass, maybe?or the movie? where the guys wore rollerskates in the back of a moving truck being driven around at a crazy pace. Aaaaand at this point my fantasy becomes way too complicated by extraneous circumstance, so we'll leave that last bit out~
I would have writted in Jules Winnfield, for teh bible versing. "The path of the righteous man…" etc.
Bambi, for the win. Avenging his Dad, obvs.
The deerly departed?
Had lots of campaign doe to buck the odds.
I gave a buck or two
Talk about being stuck on the horns of a dilemma
That was his mom who was killed, not his dad, silly.
Oh sure, make fun of a widower! Why do you hate Amercia so?
She was his mom, but that was before she had the Addadictome surgery.
How do you know Bambi didn't have two daddies, like the little girl who wrote that letter to Obama?
Mea culpa. I am getting old and it was that image of all the buck with antlers that threw me off.
Slightly OT, but I just found out the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts; Beer nuts are $2.50 a bag, deer nuts are under a buck but you don't get the bag. Or maybe this joke. Also.
Argh
Eugene V. Debs got a vote, yea!! But none for Gus Hall????
Cthulhu:
Because there is no lesser evil!
Yes. Why settle?
Who will be eaten first?
The Voice of the People.
I can't believe Weedlord Bonerhilter didn't get any votes.
Then he remains in good standing as stealth candidate of our dreams~
Who is this Mtn Dew and how do I subscribe to their newsletter?
I was going to vote for Mtn Dew, but he's just too EXTREME!
The "Big Bang Theory" is not straight from the pits of Hell, it's from Chuck Lorre and CBS. However, it's easy to see where they went off track.
It would have been better for Broun, had this been a "spontaneous generation" (and thus proving his point about evolution being a lie), but alas, it was a mutation. Adaptability wins again.
Turd Sandwich 2014!
I am a little disappointed you haven't included my vote for Lizard People, which ended up with TWO votes. Also, someone just voted for "Doritos".
Oh, a Romney supporter, eh?
I am pointing at you and saying, hey I know that dude, you and your friend the bicycle guy that we met at Manuel's…ANYway big ups for the LizardPeople, and Doritos, ALfuckingWays, and for being able to smoke inside a bar in Atlanta. Cheers.
Nailed it. And I'd just like to point out to everyone that while we're out in the middle of Paul Broun country, Athens, Ga. went 63-34% for Obama.
Everyone would vote for Bacon if they could.
Broun hates Darwinism. Darwin drew heavily for his methodology on the writings of William Whewell, a naturalist, philosopher, and theologian (basically a polymath) who was Master of Trinity College. Whewell sought to revive and reform the inductive methodological approach of Francis Bacon, who propagandized on behalf of the emerging modern science and against what he perceived as an entrenched Aristotelian scholasticism that ignored empirical evidence and sought to protect established dogmas (kind of like Paul Broun — though actually smarter).
There you have it: three degrees of Francis Bacon.
If the non-crazy residents of Georgia’s district 10 would put half as much effort into renting a U-Haul trailer and getting the fuck out of dodge maybe they would be happier
I was thinking they could have all just put that effort into selecting a viable opponent…. but what do I know
There are districts where 80% of the electorate thinks George Bush was a liberal. Sometimes you just have to self deport.
Exactly what I was thinking. If this many people hate that asshole, why didn't the local dems run somebody against him?
I dunno, they seem like a pretty happy lot to me.
Don't blame me; I voted for Turd Sandwich.
But Giant Douche won.
Say yes to Knope 2012!
Know Knope In Dnope!
Too Knopey-Changey.
Ain't nothing funny about voting for Bill Nye The Science Guy. BNTSG 2016!!!
Can you imagine the size of the security detail Bill would need in Georgia?
So he's from Athens, Georgia; the same town that gave us both the R.E.M. and the B-52s, with their very flamboyant lead singers, elected this moronic asshat? Huh.
There is this guy down there, Jerry Mander, he has ways.
I thought the same. I have spent a little time down there, and being a college town, it seems quite liberal. Unfortunately, it's surrounded by the rest of Georgia. I'm really surprised there was no mention of another band from there…. Widespread Panic
Flamboyant? You mean like Ace and Gary, the ambiguously flamboyant duo? Hah. I got your flamboyant; according to Fakakta, I out-flamboyant Fred Schneider.
For me, it would be a huge toss up between Burning Bag of Dog Shit and OMFG. They both represent my Christian values and to my knowledge aren't liberal baby killers. But, Honey Boo Boo would probably better represent the electorate of District 10.
Ron Swanson was listed twice, as he should be.
This is what democracy looks like!
Tom Baker libel!
I meant as opposed to the congresscritter.
I voted for, Ao;Pw0DDAAEYRKWW too.
I'm really throwing my weight and money behind Jarvis Muthafuckin Jones.
Tecumseh Sherman
Be interesting to see a runoff between Seagrams Ginger Ale and Mtn Dew.
I hope Wonkette stays on top of this one until the results are final.
I'm rather pleased someone wrote in Vermin Supreme. Publix sub is a close second though.
Optimus Prime? "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings" sounds way too liberally socialistic, and accepting to the likes of gays, minorities and puny fleshlings.
I'd vote for No Pleated Pants, too. I hate that asshole Pleated Pants.
He's a real smug bastard.
Downright unseamly if you ask me for an off-the-cuff response.
I was hoping for at least one vote for Harry Balczak.
Teabagger libel!
I believe that write-in candidate's full name is Ron FUCKING Swanson, thank you.
Jarvis Muthafuckin Jones, all the way.
This is in Georgia and Button Gwinnett didn't make the ticket??? What kinda monkeyshines is this, anyways?
I have evidence that the Iranian Navy is just offshore of GA -10, all real Americans there are asked to swim, float, or walk out to sea and engage them in battle.
capt jack or david tennant??!?!
good god i could not make that decision!!!
i am glad my democracy is not quite so hot.
ED: AND I DID NOT SEE TONY STARK!!!!
I like how someone just voted for the letter F. What does that even mean if a letter is elected? Ponderous, man…
Well the letter F is already a proud sponsor of that child-indoctrinating Sesame Street.
Did your shoes start to squeak?
Well, our fellow Wonketeer Dr Zoidberg should be pleased he made the list.
Why not Zoidberg?
“Burning bag of dog shit” is clearly a vote for Broun.
I'm behind the "Moon Pie and RC Cola" ticket!
Poop and Fart should run together! (eww)
And direct proof of the Big Bang Theory!
i would vote for that picture.
Rep. Paul Broun (R-GetSomeMoney)
I second the vote for Dead David Foster Wallace. Depressed self-obsessed novelists for the win!
Sylvia Plath libel!
I was pleased he was included as well, self obsession can be a fun thing, just leave that depression alone, it is a drag. Do you like all my commas? I did that just for you. I also liked Dead Ben Franklin and of course Homer Simpson. Oh shit now I am getting on my plane. See ya!
Sean I'd say the best one came from Tupelo, Mississippi
I'll tell you now that grown men cry and Irish girls are pretty
Overrated, also too.
What? No "Sister Boom Boom – Nun of the Above"?
I demand a recount.
If they can indict a ham sandwich we should be able to elect a turd sandwich.
Those people did their best to destroy Broun. With votes. Literally.
Po'Boy is a perennial candidate in Louisiana. This is Georgia. Sheesh!
Honey Boo Boo is not on the list? I thought this was in Georgia??
But she was! Democracy is saved!
Chet Morton
F
Is he related to $arah's buddy "T"?
Maybe that was a vote for Mr. F, a show of support for Palin herself.
That's "Mr. T", I pity the fool that forgets that
My dog, Charles 2016!
See my avatar? That's Mr. Charlie and he is a lot smarter than the "real" candidate.
Hey…at least 4,000 people in Georgia's 10th have a sense of humor. Maybe there is a god.
Ben Dover needs a new campaign manager.
Vermin Supreme
Oh, I've had that pizza from Pizza Hut.
Slimy, yet satisfying.
I call total bullshit on that pix. First, it is way too clever and second, all the words are spelled correctly, ergo, this cannot be a representation of Georgians. (Also a total lack of tank-tops or overalls.)
Well, that's the most juvenile and irresponsible voter behavior I've ever seen. With all the sacrifices people have made over the years just to secure the right to vote, you'd hope that we would take it a little bit more seriously.
I would totally have gone with HUGH JORGAN.
Can't we just count the vote for Bourdain as a vote for any and all regional foodstuffs?
personal favorites:
- WHOEVER WANTS IT APPARENTLY
- UNDECIDED
- AEON FLUX
- YES
- HELL NO
- THAT GUY
- YO MAMA
If you think Georgia's District 10 is a mess, you should see what's going on in District 9.
It's full of fuckin' Aliens.
Undocumented aliens, no doubt.
BUILD THE DANG MISSILE SHIELD!1!!
Isn't a vote for a flaming bag of dog shit the same as voting for Broun. I see no discernible difference.
Can't see it, and you can't smell it either.
A Pulitzer Prize in journalism to whatever Wonkette operative who typed (or even cut and pasted) those lists.
A golden Carpal Tunnel Brace also, too
What? Thousands of names, and only one write-in for Sarah Palin? Oh, she must be spinning a sad today. Not even elected to some jerkwater Georgia district.
Tits ya'll
Those names would make one bad-ass Congress.
Noan Chomsky
I take it this is the summary of a long, rambling sentence about how consesus is manufactured by the Industrial-Media complex…
Call me simple, but I'm a fan of a Bag of Rocks.
And writing in Mike Vick makes a pretty strong statement.
Don't forget about his macho cousin, I. P. Standing
I would have voted for Nucky Thompson. He actually has some political experience.
No TruckNutz or Lizard People?
TRUCK NUTZ
Wait, what happened to Hooterville's own Arnold? All y'all didn't go and stick an apple in his mouth, did ya?
Look inbreds, y'all don't just EAT your politicians, you coat them in molasses first then slowly spit-roast them until they turn a toasty brown, THEN you eat them. Jeebus Porkrinds, mix in some culinary skills.
Alas, poor Arnold. Then they wrapped him in a Romney shirt and dumped him on a doorstep.
STAND BACK! I'M GOING TO VOTE FOR SCIENCE!
I live in Idiot Broun's district, which includes Athens, GA (my home). Athens is a blue dot in a sea of red. We got redistricted, and lost our Dem. He was replaced with our current rep. Don't blame us. We are living behind enemy lines, completely surrounded, but fighting on.
The Flagpole is our local free alternative paper.
Honestly, great choices all, but I literally spewed at Publix sub. I mean, I'm sure someone walked into the precinct sporting their lunch and came to the logical conclusion at the optimal moment that yes, my six inch tuna provalone w/ lettuce, blk olives, BOTH peppers and a shot of mustard would run circles around this idiot.
AND they got to eat the sub. THAT's Democracy. On whole wheat.
In Virginia, Hank the Cat (a real cat) got 6,000 votes for senator. The other candidates where Tim Kaine and George Allen. Many people in Virginia are convinced that Hank would do a better job than George Allen, almost as good as Tim Kaine, and much better than Broun. Of course, one of Hank's hairballs might do a better job than Broun.
Is Witchfinder General a Good Omens reference?
Vote for Pedro!
But who will think of the Lizard People?
Alas, no "Cuntly Dogfucker".
Not ONE vote for Hitler?!
Apperently making people laugh over Youtube every day doesn't count for anything anymore.
No votes for Smothered and Covered???!!
Ahem, antlers not horns.
Ahem, Ahem, Ahem…. FYI, I'm stuck on the horns of my new 2013 John Deere “Dilemma” tractor. Antlers are on those beasts that once a year pull the sleigh for that fat commie bastard in the red suit.
Yeah, he had to (pre California Prop requiring love socks).
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