mars curiosity rover 2016

A Children’s Treasury Of Ridiculous Write-In Votes Against Georgia Congressman and Witchfinder General Paul Broun

"Effective democracy"Rep. Paul Broun (R-Gethsemane) is in a pretty safe district, being that Georgia’s 10th is about as far-right and uber-religious as they come. Broun is the one, you recall, who is a medical doctor who does not believe in medicine, who runs around yelling things like — and we are not making this quote up — “All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell.”

This time around, the gentleman scholar from Athens ran unopposed for his seat in the House — but that does not mean people did not oppose him. This post was originally about how 4,000 voters wrote in “Charles Darwin” against Broun, because how sad is that, that the poor libruls have given up fielding candidates and are now just voting for dead scientists.

But! There is more! The charming folks at Flagpole magazine, because that’s what every business is called in District 10, have gotten a full list of write-in votes there, and they are fabulous, and your Wonket people have gone through all 371 pages of them, to bring you the big, grand, super-democratic list of candidates people would rather vote for than Paul Broun. (Okay, and a few other races that didn’t have a Dem on the ticket.)

There will be no more commentary, aside from that there were votes in several D-10 races for Leslie Knope, 2 Chainz, John Coltrane, and, a personal favorite, “My dog, Charles.” No word on whether that was related to another totally real vote cast for “Burning bag of dog shit,” which was specifically against Broun.

The electoral angst of District 10 and its Republican slate  is far, far funnier than any blogger could ever be, even though we suspect some of these candidates may not technically be eligible for office in Georgia. Here are some of the best votes against Broun, though they be a mite shuffled:

  • Oprah Winfrey
  • A bag of Rocks
  • Albus Dumbledore
  • A human being with a brain or at least not a religious fanatic
  • A wet rag
  • Alexander Hamilton
  • Anybody else on the planet
  • Bob Dylan
  • Bambi
  • Bart Simpson
  • Big Bird
  • Bill Nye The Science Guy
  • Bill Clinton
  • Ben Franklin
  • Beyonce
  • Bob Ross
  • Brian
  • Burning bag of dog shit
  • Captain Jack Sparrow
  • Captain Kirk
  • Charles ‘Fuck Paul Broun’ Darwin
  • Charles Barkley
  • Charlie Brown
  • Chavez
  • Chewbacca
  • Cgycj Birrus
  • CM Punk
  • Cthulu
  • Copernicus
  • David Foster Wallace
  • David Tennant
  • Dog Shit
  • Eleanor Roosevelt
  • Elmer Fudd
  • Freedom
  • Evolution Is Real
  • Greg Allman
  • Harry Truman
  • Honey Boo Boo
  • Homer Simpson
  • Homo erectus
  • Howdy Doody
  • Humpty Dumpty
  • James Carter
  • Jesus Christ
  • John Scopes
  • Julian Assange
  • Lady Gaga
  • Lebron James
  • Led Zepplin
  • Literally anyone else
  • Lurr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8
  • Madea
  • McCommunist
  • Ultramantis Black
  • Maya Angelou
  • Michael Stipe
  • Mohammed
  • Mr T
  • Mom
  • Chris Christie
  • Clint Eastwood
  • Cookie Monster
  • Neil DeGrass Tyson
  • Neil Gaimam
  • No way Jose
  • Noam Chomsky
  • Obamaaaa
  • Obi Wan
  • OMFG
  • Optimus Prime
  • Pedro
  • Publix sub
  • Ron Swanson
  • Science
  • Skagnor
  • Subcomandante
  • The Great Pumpkin
  • Taylor Swift
  • Toby Keith
  • Vermin Supreme
  • Voldemort
  • Yoda
  • Willie Nelson
  • Willy Wonka
  • Zelda

And here are some of D-10’s other glorious write-ins, for freedom:

  • 2 Chainz
  • Christopher Hitchens
  • Clarence Darrow
  • Dracula
  • Dr. Mhm
  • Guy Fawkes
  • Fidel Castro
  • Howard Zinn
  • Huey Lewis
  • Harry Potter
  • Jay Z
  • Liz Lemon
  • Mitch
  • Peppy Le Pew
  • Rufus Wainwright
  • Seagrams Ginger Ale
  • Teddy Roosevelt
  • Stan Lee
  • Tom Jones
  • Tony Stark
  • YOLO
  • The Rock
  • Tim Allen
  • Turd sandwich
  • Weird Al
  • Matt Ryan
  • Elenor Rigby
  • Hulk Hogan
  • Mtn Dew
  • Pluto
  • Popeye
  • Alan Turing
  • Cher
  • Freud
  • Furby
  • Hairy Dawg
  • Mike Vick
  • Waka Flocka Flame
  • Bubba Gump
  • Dale Earnhardt Jr
  • John Grisham
  • Judge Dredd
  • Poop
  • Qbert
  • Rambo
  • Ronald Reagan
  • Rush Limbaugh
  • Ted Nugent
  • Zoidberg
  • Al Gore
  • Buddy Rommer
  • David A. Titshaw [note: He is real, not just hilariously named]
  • Eagle
  • Eugene Victor Debs
  • Jarvis Muthafuckin Jones
  • George Clooney
  • George Patton
  • Hello Kitty
  • Hillary Clinton
  • Jesus
  • Joel Osteen
  • King of Kings
  • Mars Curiosity Rover
  • Satan
  • Truth
  • A Clown
  • F
  • Foxeye
  • Iggy Pop
  • Ron Swanson
  • Spongebob Squarepants
  • Stephen Davis
  • Abraham Lincoln
  • Anthony Bourdain
  • Anyone else
  • Bacon
  • Batman
  • Darth Vader
  • Any sentient being
  • Elmo
  • John Coltrane
  • Jon Stewart
  • Kobe Bryant
  • Leslie Knope
  • Luke Skywalker
  • Mickey Mouse
  • Mr Ed
  • My dog, Charles
  • Stephen Colbert
  • William Jefferson Clinton

Democracy, a beautiful thing. [Flagpole, via tipster Sara Kate W]

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  1. Barbara_

    Flagpole magazine? Is that sold behind the counter of the 7-11 because it shows pictures of men eating apple pie off Betsy Ross's tits?

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    There's some pretty clever entries there.
    Wait, this happened in Georgia?
    Maybe there's hope after all.

    1. rebelyankee

      I was thinking the same thing as I came across the name Rufus Wainright. That's a sad homo in that district.

    2. flowerjargon

      This district encompasses Athens, which is home to UGA and (like a lot of college towns) is a liberal enclave within Georgia. Broun has publicly denounced the town; It's not really like any other place in the state.

  3. Oblios_Cap

    Lurr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8

    I was really expecting a stronger showing from him/ her/ it…

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      And only one vote for Cthulu?

      Maybe that's just because it's really hard to remember how it's spelled.

    1. trampndirtdown

      Peter Davidson and Tom Baker for the nostalgia, but i have to say I think Matt Smith is absolutely killing it as The Doctor, no offense to northerners Tenant And Ecclestone.

  4. Giveusabob

    But why no "Pancake Wrapped Sausage Dipped in Baconnaise?" That would have won the election, single-votedly.

    1. BadKitty904

      As a Southerner, I was pleased to see "Publix sub" in the running, but was disappointed that neither "Wickles" nor "jar of Mama's chow-chow" made the ticket.

      1. PugglesRule

        Chow chow! As a recover(ing?)(ed) southerner, I remember chow chow fondly. Hella better than plain old pickle relish.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Was that where I read, "Publix sub"? I thought it must be a submarine sandwich available at the Florida supermarket chain's deli. And it struck me that yes, this could be as appropriate a viable contender as anything!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        With Seagrams Ginger Ale as its running mate. Not the most experienced candidates, but probably the most delicious!

  5. slithytoves

    Leslie Knope! Yay! My favorite city councilwoman. And she'll be happy to know that Eleanor Roosevelt was written in, too.

    1. actor212

      Well, at least Cthuhlu got one, even if it was misspelled. Won't save the dude from a lifetime of backbreaking dominance and terror, but hey, he can be proud he voted for the ultimate winner!

      1. actor212

        Not even an Incontinentia Buttocks!

        Altho to be fair, that's hard to write if you didn't get past the third grade. We are talking Georgia here.

    1. not that Dewey

      Anytime you can get Qbert, Bob Ross, and the Mars Curiosity Rover in the same room, at the same time, DO IT.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I am seriously, going to carry with me into sleep tonight the wishful prelude-to-a-dream's-realization of this fantasy. ALL of the above listees, assembled for dinner and hobknobbing… then when things get GOOD and ass-smashed enough in overall mood and initiative, go hire a driver and a dozen U-haul's* to cruise the town in, cause I believe that's how they do "limousine-lahk" tour duty in some parts of Georgia?
        *image borrowed from Goonemeritus, below~

          1. Mumbletypeg

            Adorable! And, yes. It occurred to me you can't really see the sights, within or without, given U-Hauls' lack of windows for opportunity. I was thinking of that episode of Jackass, maybe?or the movie? where the guys wore rollerskates in the back of a moving truck being driven around at a crazy pace. Aaaaand at this point my fantasy becomes way too complicated by extraneous circumstance, so we'll leave that last bit out~

          1. boskolives

            Ahem, Ahem, Ahem…. FYI, I'm stuck on the horns of my new 2013 John Deere “Dilemma” tractor. Antlers are on those beasts that once a year pull the sleigh for that fat commie bastard in the red suit.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        How do you know Bambi didn't have two daddies, like the little girl who wrote that letter to Obama?

      2. Rosie_Scenario

        Mea culpa. I am getting old and it was that image of all the buck with antlers that threw me off.

    1. boskolives

      Slightly OT, but I just found out the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts; Beer nuts are $2.50 a bag, deer nuts are under a buck but you don't get the bag. Or maybe this joke. Also.

  6. Botlrokit

    It would have been better for Broun, had this been a "spontaneous generation" (and thus proving his point about evolution being a lie), but alas, it was a mutation. Adaptability wins again.

  7. Selfish_T

    I am a little disappointed you haven't included my vote for Lizard People, which ended up with TWO votes. Also, someone just voted for "Doritos".

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I am pointing at you and saying, hey I know that dude, you and your friend the bicycle guy that we met at Manuel's…ANYway big ups for the LizardPeople, and Doritos, ALfuckingWays, and for being able to smoke inside a bar in Atlanta. Cheers.

      1. Selfish_T

        Nailed it. And I'd just like to point out to everyone that while we're out in the middle of Paul Broun country, Athens, Ga. went 63-34% for Obama.

    1. Q_R_DeNameland

      Broun hates Darwinism. Darwin drew heavily for his methodology on the writings of William Whewell, a naturalist, philosopher, and theologian (basically a polymath) who was Master of Trinity College. Whewell sought to revive and reform the inductive methodological approach of Francis Bacon, who propagandized on behalf of the emerging modern science and against what he perceived as an entrenched Aristotelian scholasticism that ignored empirical evidence and sought to protect established dogmas (kind of like Paul Broun — though actually smarter).

      There you have it: three degrees of Francis Bacon.

  8. Goonemeritus

    If the non-crazy residents of Georgia’s district 10 would put half as much effort into renting a U-Haul trailer and getting the fuck out of dodge maybe they would be happier

    1. HobbesEvilTwin

      I was thinking they could have all just put that effort into selecting a viable opponent…. but what do I know

      1. Goonemeritus

        There are districts where 80% of the electorate thinks George Bush was a liberal. Sometimes you just have to self deport.

      2. mbatch

        Exactly what I was thinking. If this many people hate that asshole, why didn't the local dems run somebody against him?

  9. SorosBot

    So he's from Athens, Georgia; the same town that gave us both the R.E.M. and the B-52s, with their very flamboyant lead singers, elected this moronic asshat? Huh.

    1. DCBloom

      I thought the same. I have spent a little time down there, and being a college town, it seems quite liberal. Unfortunately, it's surrounded by the rest of Georgia. I'm really surprised there was no mention of another band from there…. Widespread Panic

    2. prommie

      Flamboyant? You mean like Ace and Gary, the ambiguously flamboyant duo? Hah. I got your flamboyant; according to Fakakta, I out-flamboyant Fred Schneider.

  10. TNlibtard

    For me, it would be a huge toss up between Burning Bag of Dog Shit and OMFG. They both represent my Christian values and to my knowledge aren't liberal baby killers. But, Honey Boo Boo would probably better represent the electorate of District 10.

  11. Lascauxcaveman

    Be interesting to see a runoff between Seagrams Ginger Ale and Mtn Dew.

    I hope Wonkette stays on top of this one until the results are final.

  12. SorosBot

    Optimus Prime? "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings" sounds way too liberally socialistic, and accepting to the likes of gays, minorities and puny fleshlings.

  13. BadKitty904

    This is in Georgia and Button Gwinnett didn't make the ticket??? What kinda monkeyshines is this, anyways?

  14. Blueb4sinrise

    I have evidence that the Iranian Navy is just offshore of GA -10, all real Americans there are asked to swim, float, or walk out to sea and engage them in battle.

  15. fuflans

    capt jack or david tennant??!?!

    good god i could not make that decision!!!

    i am glad my democracy is not quite so hot.


  16. DixvilleCrotch

    I like how someone just voted for the letter F. What does that even mean if a letter is elected? Ponderous, man…

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I was pleased he was included as well, self obsession can be a fun thing, just leave that depression alone, it is a drag. Do you like all my commas? I did that just for you. I also liked Dead Ben Franklin and of course Homer Simpson. Oh shit now I am getting on my plane. See ya!

      1. prommie

        Sean I'd say the best one came from Tupelo, Mississippi
        I'll tell you now that grown men cry and Irish girls are pretty

  17. ttommyunger

    I call total bullshit on that pix. First, it is way too clever and second, all the words are spelled correctly, ergo, this cannot be a representation of Georgians. (Also a total lack of tank-tops or overalls.)

  18. C_R_Eature

    Well, that's the most juvenile and irresponsible voter behavior I've ever seen. With all the sacrifices people have made over the years just to secure the right to vote, you'd hope that we would take it a little bit more seriously.

    I would totally have gone with HUGH JORGAN.


    personal favorites:

    – YES
    – HELL NO
    – THAT GUY
    – YO MAMA

  20. Beowoof

    Isn't a vote for a flaming bag of dog shit the same as voting for Broun. I see no discernible difference.

  21. MrsConclusion

    A Pulitzer Prize in journalism to whatever Wonkette operative who typed (or even cut and pasted) those lists.

  22. arduinohacker

    What? Thousands of names, and only one write-in for Sarah Palin? Oh, she must be spinning a sad today. Not even elected to some jerkwater Georgia district.

  23. DahBoner

    Noan Chomsky

    I take it this is the summary of a long, rambling sentence about how consesus is manufactured by the Industrial-Media complex…

  24. HarryButtle

    Call me simple, but I'm a fan of a Bag of Rocks.

    And writing in Mike Vick makes a pretty strong statement.

  25. cousinitt

    Wait, what happened to Hooterville's own Arnold? All y'all didn't go and stick an apple in his mouth, did ya?

    Look inbreds, y'all don't just EAT your politicians, you coat them in molasses first then slowly spit-roast them until they turn a toasty brown, THEN you eat them. Jeebus Porkrinds, mix in some culinary skills.

  26. batcountry101

    I live in Idiot Broun's district, which includes Athens, GA (my home). Athens is a blue dot in a sea of red. We got redistricted, and lost our Dem. He was replaced with our current rep. Don't blame us. We are living behind enemy lines, completely surrounded, but fighting on.

    The Flagpole is our local free alternative paper.

  27. myykuul

    Honestly, great choices all, but I literally spewed at Publix sub. I mean, I'm sure someone walked into the precinct sporting their lunch and came to the logical conclusion at the optimal moment that yes, my six inch tuna provalone w/ lettuce, blk olives, BOTH peppers and a shot of mustard would run circles around this idiot.

    AND they got to eat the sub. THAT's Democracy. On whole wheat.

  28. VA_Dreaming

    In Virginia, Hank the Cat (a real cat) got 6,000 votes for senator. The other candidates where Tim Kaine and George Allen. Many people in Virginia are convinced that Hank would do a better job than George Allen, almost as good as Tim Kaine, and much better than Broun. Of course, one of Hank's hairballs might do a better job than Broun.

  29. Calapine

    Not ONE vote for Hitler?!

    Apperently making people laugh over Youtube every day doesn't count for anything anymore.

Comments are closed.