no homo

Unchastened Chris Christie Continues To Make Sweet Gay Love To Barack Obama

brokebackWhat did Chris Christie tell Barack Obama, while they canoodled on the phone for seemingly hours? “You hang up.” “No, you hang up.” “You hang up first,” they both repeated fucking endlessly, until they fell asleep with their Blackberries cradled under their drooling, open mouths. And what did he tell Mitt Romney?

Nothing. He sent him an email.

This has been your five-o’clock Schadenfreude.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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    1. Lascauxcaveman

      It takes a big man to admit he could use a little government help.

      But usually not THAT big.

          1. Cleopatriot

            How long will it take for Dondi to notice I'm following him on Twitter and block me? I keep retweeting stuff about what an asshole Romney is, but it's like he doesn't know I'm there.

    1. ButthurtWingers2012

      Was that his last act before he begins his one man 'revolution'? haha…what a fucking mustachioed loon…

    1. glasspusher

      Srsly, I'm wondering how long this will last. Is he fer rilz? Is this a calculated move to the center? If so, he can forget securing the Republican nomination for president…

    1. Crank_Tango

      But first, he posted a crazy, passive aggressive rant about how he thought governors were supposed to stick together and shit, but some fatasses like the boss too much. It was pretty embarrassing.

      1. ButthurtWingers2012

        true…they once had an episode of "Unsolved Mysteries" trying to locate Christy's junk…Robert Stack just couldn't fucking find it and gave up. Leonard Nimoy is convening a "History's Mysteries" search for it…but once that search turns up nothing, Geraldo is going to use drills and explosives ala Al Capone's vault. Eventually it'll be declared likely dead and missing like Jimmy Hoffa forcing Christy to appear on an episode of "American Justice" talking about the saga of how he ate his dick to death.

  1. ChillBill

    "This has been your five-o’clock Schadenfreude. "

    It's been "Schadenfreude" every hour, every minute and every second since last Tuesday around 10PM EST.

  2. cousinitt

    I love that pic. It's got a kind of laying on of the hands vibe going like St. O is about to cast the demon out of Christie and heal his soul.

    1. iburl

      Out demon of Gluttony! Out demon of pride! Out demon of Greed! Out demon of Wrath! Out demon of cutting teacher pay! Out demon of being a gigantic fat self-centered asshole that yells at people, but is still somehow able to seem appealing to folks because sometimes he also yells at stupid wingnuts as well!

  3. BadKitty904

    Cue soundtrack:

    Mad about the boy,
    I know it's stupid to be mad about the boy,
    I'm so ashamed of it, but must admit the sleepless nights I've had,
    About the boy…

    (I don't know how to do the little musical-notes thingies on here)

          1. Dudleydidwrong

            ♪ You have to use the number pad, not the number keys at the top of the keyboard. If you use a laptop like I do, you have to Function F11, then Alt 13 and Alt 14 will work: ♪ ♫

    1. Negropolis

      I'm sure the Republicans would love that, because it put women back to work. "Bitch, make me a sammich" would be an acceptable and formal request of that department.

  4. calliecallie

    Christie and Obama, sitting in a tree
    Kay Eye Ess Ess Eye, yi yi…
    Christie broke the branch.

  5. Callyson

    Shit, a Christie – Rubio ticket just might have a chance.

    Then again, that probably means the wingnuts won't have the brains to pick it, so I think we're still OK.

    Also–Governor, I have a voicemail from Michelle: something along the lines of "bitch, please"…

    1. Jerri

      That is exactly what I told my husband yesterday! "Mark my words, it'll be a Christie/Rubio 2016 GOP ticket. MARK THEM!" I said.

      Luckily, I was really tired and hungover so if I'm wrong I'll have a (lame) excuse to weasel out of that declaration.

      1. bobbert

        I'm not so sure. A lot will depend on how things go in Jersey during the next couple of years. And Rubio is gonna have to actually DO something to offset the whole "Well, my folks didn't exactly flee Castro" thing.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      I am thinking the race to replace LAMEDUCK Obama already began with Rmoney's concession. Too, I have Jon Cornyn, Sam Brownback, Terry Branstead, Jindal, Nathan Deal, Bob Corker, Mitch Daniels, Rick Snyder, & Jeff Flake as likely to appear at a Reagan Library forum sometime around Presidents Day 2013. (Of those, I think Brownback, Jindal, Corker, Daniels, & Snyder are the only ones likely to get traction.) &, let's not forget, a darkhorse: I see Ted Cruz doing the Iowa dinner party circuit even before he's sworn in as Senator. He's Cuban, like Rubio, but won in a state where most Latinos are other than Cuban. So, bonus.

      … &, sure, Cruz 2016 would bring with it as much federal experience as Obama 2008, but, y' know, Republican. So, OK.

      1. Redgyal

        Cruz is a good idea. Two things to look for however. First, how many Latinos are willing to vote against their own interests? Just like other ignoring groups they don't tolerate fakes. Second, how will the image of a Latino president play on a national scale right after an African American president? My guess is that there will be some Americans who will see that as "they're taking over" and vote against him. Because in some minds the whole minority wining the election thing was an accident. To that end, the Democratic party has a better chance running another minority candidate than the Republican Party. It fits their image.

    3. Negropolis

      I really thinkg Rubio is damaged goods, even before his name was brought up during the GOP primaries as a possible VP pick.

        1. Negropolis

          Yes, the man is a walking ethics violation from what I've heard. Can't seem to keep his hands out the cookie jar.

  6. widestanceromance

    Couple names:

    Yeah, this comment's going nowhere fast. Sorry, folks. [update: oh, wow, thanks folks]

  7. MissTaken

    Mayor Bloomberg was forced to sit in a chair sipping his tiny soda while Christie and Obama canoodled.

    1. widestanceromance

      In this case, prying Barry from the depths of CC's folds would be. . .difficult to do (I just can't use the word hard in this post)

  8. hagajim

    Gov. Sammiches better not let Michelle see his big ol' ass – she'll put him to work on the jumping jacks post-haste.

    1. Tangled sin tax

      I saw Hair staged in Australia when on R&R from Vietnam. They lost the audience when they had the Julie Andrews clone singing "The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Bullshit". Ya don't mess with Julie's image Down Under. There was a big explosion on the stage (deliberate) that turned me into a molten glob of adrenalin for a few seconds. Don't remember much else from the play.

    1. ElPinche

      Doesn't Bamz get the counts for the popular vote too( 52% vs 48% )? Just to make the whiners saying "he barely won!!" to STFU.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      No shit, I've been meaning to start that thread up again all day.

      (I guess I can't get the Obama big dick thing out of my mind.)

    2. mayor_quimby

      ODSB it can't bee observed directly, you can only infer it's presence by the things that wobble when passing nearby.
      Thanks for restarting this thread, I was on empty the other day and didn't have any ideas!

    3. Negropolis

      ODSB, that, GOP, please consult with your party physician if symptoms last for more than "four more years!"

  9. emmelemm

    As a junior high school girl, I actually did that. Was on the phone with my friend (real phone, with a cord, back in the dark ages) and we both somehow fell asleep with the phones beside our heads and then we woke up and we were like, "You awake?" "Yeah, you?" And we continued our conversation.

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          I always got wound up in that 50 foot cord that always tangled into a massive ball at the telephone alcove.

          ETA: Alvacado, btw.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      I stopped reading your post at "I actually did that" and tried to imagine which of the two, teen Barry or teen Pork Chop, would have met the approval of the Porcine Aviatrix.

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      Memo says they lost because they didn't back the rape nuts enough. When you live in opposite world…

    2. Crank_Tango

      And telling. Cuz what hurt the party more, actually looking like adults in a crisis, or insane, rapey misogynists. Pandering to the base I guess.

    3. MacRaith

      The definition of a heretic is "somebody who thinks almost exactly the same way you do, whom you must kill."

      Christie is a heretic to the GOP. The rape nuts, on the other hand, are perfectly in line with conservative orthodoxy.

    1. CindynEncinitas

      Hold it right there! Take that sausage, wrap it in a waffle, and deep fry it. Then put some syrup and powdered sugar on it and serve it with an 8-piece bucket, extra crispy, and a large Papa John's meat lover's. That will bring him running!

    1. moseyon

      I think that is a work in progress.That's what Romney told him why he didn't pick him for VP.
      So I reckon he has a lap band. He has dropped weight already.

    1. Negropolis

      Why, when we put all of the conservatives into FEMA camps, of course. That's still on, right? Just waiting for the formal orders.

  10. StillGoinGreen

    Obama: "What's up?"
    Christie: "These pinstripes up my ass!! Mind if I borrow Tow Truck One?"

        1. BadKitty904

          Hey, it's not *my* fault the POTUS also happens to be a studmuffin uber-daddy! ;0)~


    1. Negropolis

      Talk about taking one for the team. Just imagining him with Eric Cantor has scared my brain. He'd whine the entire tim.

  11. notreelyhelping

    And, in slow motion, they walked together along the shattered boardwalk as Guns'n'Roses' cover of "Knockin' on Heaven's Doors" wailed. Fade to black.

  12. rickmaci

    I think I read on that Bam sent him a case of the special White House IPA. Really. It was on the webz.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Dude got 15 grand for getting the RR logo painted on his head? I wish he had got 150K and had it tattooed.

    2. Dashboard Buddha

      The first picture: I just hope my tax dollars didn't go to pay for that moocher hag's wheelchair.

    3. Negropolis

      My favorite exchange:

      Facebook User: Our country has lost all its morals.

      Haleigh Hoffman: Honey, those went out the window a long time ago. Barack yo body, girl!!

      Facebook User: That's disgusting.

      Bwahahahahahaha!! Which one of you is Haleigh Hoffman? lol

      BTW, the trees weren't the right height.

    4. BerkeleyBear

      I couldn't find any minorities even in the background of those shots. And so much stupid in the various tweets/im/snippets.

  13. decentcitizen

    The wingnuts may be blaming Christie now but after a good pout they'll make up. Who else are they gonna run in 2016? He's the best of their weak field, and he's a major asshole.

  14. CindynEncinitas

    What a palate cleanser! I'm getting kind of tired of the cavalcade of butthurt. Have a bucket of sorbet on me, Christie! Hearts to you and your bff Prez Bammerz! Now if we could just get some news on Reindeer Guy, mentioned by Wonkette BFF Rachel last night. Looking forward to tracking that guy's demise, which I am sure is just around the corner!

  15. coolhandnuke

    The wingnutosphere is ripe with so much delicious butthurt today, I believe I grew a five-o’clock Schadenfreude.

  16. Pat_Pending

    y'know, I used to call myself Cassandra Schadenfreude. Not only do I predict the future and say "I TOLD YOU SO" afterward, I laugh in your stupid face for no extra charge.

  17. Detesticle

    I've been in a glorious stupor since about 10:15 p.m. Tuesday. Just coming out of the fog now. Did I miss anything?

  18. Callyson

    OT alert–we may still have Deadbeat Dad to kick around:

    ollowing his resounding defeat by Democrat Tammy Duckworth Tuesday, Tea Party-affiliated U.S. Rep. Joe Walsh (R-Ill.) is considering what his post-Congress life might entail.
    In an interview with the Daily Herald published Wednesday, the congressman did not rule out a 2014 gubernatorial run as he suggested that "Democrats have ruined" the state of Illinois while weak Republican leadership has "allowed them to." He also left the door open to the interviewer's suggestion that he consider becoming a television pundit.


    1. fuflans

      i heard him on bez yesterday (the joys of being unemployed!) and he also said he's considering chairman of the IL Reps.

      cause certainly they need to move more to the right.

      1. Negropolis

        It's not even really moving more to the right. Joe Walsh is just a plain and utter dick on a personal level regardless of whatever position he takes on an issue.

  19. Goonemeritus

    Hey Christie may have a few character flaws but you got to give him credit for being a true son of the Garden State. Two things that everyone from Jersey knows is what is their exit number and who has juice. Let’s face it Mitt was all talk and no Town Car.

  20. Dashboard Buddha

    OT: I just took a look at my drunken piteous posts of election night. Is it wrong to take pleasure from being so wrong?

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    Just a random thought, but between this election and the SCOTUS ruling on health care back in June, this has been a pretty shitty year for the Republicans. What other turds are there in the punchbowl? Perhaps a Children's Treasury post would be cool.


    In the great green room in his 12 million dollars beach house
    there was a teleprompt
    and a red balloon
    and a picture of…
    the naked cowboy jumping over the moon
    And there were five young Mormons talking to empty chairs

    And two little kittens And a pair of mittens
    And a little toy house And a young Cuban Senator
    And a commie and a chubby Governor and a bowl full of hash
    And a quiet old lady who was whispering "Rush"

    Goodnight kittens and Goodnight Ann Barbie and Mittens.

      1. bloggingbalkanistan

        You know, even if Obama had lost the election, he probably would have been just have classy & grateful to his staff.

    1. mille derps

      I guess David Axelrod must've been wearing an onion on his belt, as used to be the fashion.

      It even had me tearing up a bit…

  23. LibrarianX

    Kudos to Governor Christie for doing your job, but Mr. President? Seriously – you can do better.

  24. GeorgiaBurning

    This is a perfect time for Christie and what-passes-for-moderate Repubs to engineer a complete split in their party. The nut jobs want to drive off the cliff going more conservative; time to jump off the bus and let them. It wouldn't take much for a Pro-Rape-Life-War-Job Creation party to form up and leave the Republicans if Limbaugh and Karl Rove can make money off it. Christie is sneaky enough to have thought about it.

  25. Blueb4sinrise

    Okay. A heads- up for everybody.
    I just got word from U.N. HQ that starting next week your local trash pickup and recycling services will be dropping off 300 gallon sky blue containers

    at all residences [with logo of course] . Everyone is asked [sic] to put all their guns and ammunition in these containers for pick-up. If you think you might need a larger container, please call 202-863-8500 [former RNC ] and request one.

    Your co-operation is appreciated.

  26. Negropolis

    Their bitter, bitter tears…they sustain me. More, MORE.

    I love the smell of imploding right-wing political parties in the morning; it smells like freedom.

    I think we're going to need a bigger copter, though.

  27. Negropolis

    You know what gets me? I keep hearing that Republicans from the base up to the highest peaks of the party didn't see this coming. This absolutely blows my mind. Usually, any base is shocked at a loss, but we're hearing that Romney hadn't even written a concession speech and his staff was "shellshocked". They really are insane. I mean, for as much as we though Kerry had a great chance of winning, we also knew that it was possible that he could lose. Most challengers always realize they have a chance at not unseating an incumbent, which is why this complete denial of the polls by the GOP has taken be aback, a bit.

    1. viennawoods13

      Well, and the whole no concession speech thing just goes to show that these people didn't watch West Wing. They shoulda listened to Toby

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Well, Josh took it to another level in season 7 – I think they wound up with 8 different flavors of victory/concession before they were done.

    2. fuflans

      to be fair, the power of prayer isn't as strong as nate silver's witchery.

      (but yeah, me too. that's the most shocking part of this election. stunning. and not at all reassuring…)

      1. Negropolis

        What with all of his gah and blah magic, and all.

        I mean, I knew we we were dealing with folks whose straircases stopped halfway up the groundfloor, but it's still pretty shocking to witness it when it happens.

    3. bikerlaureate

      Well, the Hoarse White Prophet did have the most incompetent campaign staff EVAR (or the most traitorously subversive).

      1. NellCote71

        Perfectly capped off with the President-elect Romney transition team website. Delusion isn't just a river in Egypt.

    4. doloras

      Their entire business model is based on denial of reality / wishful thinking / what Orwell called "collective solipsism". It just crashed.

    5. BoroPrimorac

      Imagine Karl Rove is a stripper and his donors are a bunch of dudes at a strip joint. Does Karl the stripper tell his donors to get the fuck out of the champagne room while their wallets are wide open?

      Rove didn't get rich by being stupid. He played those donors like a piano because he knows more about politics than they do.

      1. Negropolis

        I still don't get it. He worked way harder than he had to. Karl whored himself before he even had to in your analogy. Not that I'm complaining, but a smart operative would have offered hope that Romney could pull it out, not an assurance so ridiculous that it's not to be believed. But, I guess he calculated that the people he was speaking too were dumber than him, so he sold them the moon and threw Pluto on for free.

      1. Negropolis

        They were talking about this on Morning Joe, today. David Frum made very clear that there are some cons and hucksters out there, and someone on the panel pressed him to name one – impying Rover – and he said that there were more than he could count.

        The few intelligent Republicans left know that the Music Man just came through town. Too bad that no one said shit for the GOP when it mattered. The GOP is a fucking mess with a strange mix of genuine as hell ideologues, corporatists funders, and snake-oils salespeople who will say anything for their personal bottomline. It is probably not even accurate to call it a party; it's a fascist cult with sycophants around the edges.

    6. BlueStateLibel

      Yeah, insane. Even Willard was reportedly "shell shocked." So no one on his staff could read polls? Nate Silver wasn't the only one forecasting an unlikely Mitt win, so were many other political scientists.

      1. Negropolis

        Even Republican-as-hell Rasmussen Reports had got it back down to a 1 or 2 point race in the last few days. In fact, in the last few weeks, only Ras and Gallup had Romney up by anything over two points, and even other Republicans were saying that those two were outliers. I could understand if Romney had consistently led in the last month or two, but he never did. It just goes to show the total disconnect from reality.

  28. fuflans

    i have had the most delightful evening catching up on the day's butthurt and the wonketteria's commentary.

    seriously, this post-election season is like christmas, my birthday and opening night all roled into one and i hope it never ends.

    1. mrblifil

      Hate to say it, since I agree with your critique, but it may have been a boon that work on that tunnel had not begun prior to 12 feet of storm surge…

  29. viennawoods13

    Ot, but I just watched Jon's Wednesday night show. It is hard to decide whom I love more, Jon or Obama. DAMN what a take-down of Fucks News.

    1. Negropolis

      And, lo! A swarthy Cuban came from the South, riding an abandoned Austrian Warmblood with much purpose to the amberfields of a mystical, white northland called Iowa…

    2. BadKitty904

      Speaking as a native Floridano, I'm told that Rubi-con has *plenty* of skeletons still neatly tucked waaaay in the back of his closet. If he runs, it should get real…interesting.

        1. James Michael Curley

          Skeletons that once had large handfuls of cash – including one story about him being the bag man for the "Brooks Brothers Riot".

  30. YerMa

    Ya know… any time I have a moment of feeling bad for taking such JOY in their misery, some asshole starts with the fucking "lazy people want free shit" meme they're running with.

    FUCK them.

    The invigorated frothing hate and contempt for the poor (especially minorities) has gotten worse since Tuesday and they've gone totally off the rails. I can't wrap my head around it, especially when people who claim to follow Christ are such narcissistic, hateful assholes who genuinely seem to want poor people to suffer and die. It's insane. And I agree with the Rude Pundit who said:

    "Let's kick these fuckers while they're down. Let's degrade them and mock them for not understanding that voters actually give a damn about the nation, unlike the Republican Party. Let's make them feel every ache, every lump, because if we don't, they are going to attempt, again and again, to get up and gut us, like every cliched serial killer in every cheap straight-to-video bullshit flick. You don't walk away when the murderer just looks dead. You cut off his head so that you know he is."

  31. Mahousu

    This is almost too much Schaden for Freude:

    Mitt Romney’s staffers reportedly got an unpleasant shock directly after learning their candidate did not, as expected, win the election on Tuesday night and snag the role of President — one disgruntled campaigner from the Romney’s team said campaign staff credit cards were canceled before they could even pay for their sad cab rides home.

  32. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, it be Friday now. This has been one of the most wonderful weeks in recent memory, going back at least to the Supreme's Obamacare decision; hell, maybe even back to November 2008.

    But if this "Walking on Sunshine" earworm doesn't leave my head soon, I may lose my mind.

  33. James Michael Curley

    Ran into one of those slightly clueless Republican operatives in town on election day who was proclaiming that the high turnout signaled a Romney win based on her sampling of one polling district in one ward in one town that had only 380 voters in it and at an hour before closing only 155 had turned out. As I explained that to her, since I try to be kind to the intellectually disadvantaged, her return response was that if Obama wins its because Christie blew it with meeting with Obama after Hurricane Sandy. I guess she took her over extended lunch hour to watch Fox News as I understand they started this mantra on election day.

  34. ttommyunger

    Fortunately, no one (including Chris) has been able to locate Chiritie's dick in years, so it's all platonic.

  35. larrykat

    I'm starting to wonder what kind of a fucking genius Christie really is… I mean think about all of this in relation to 2016. This guy might be our time's Lex Luthor or something.

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